Love or Whatever (2012) - full transcript
Corey had it all - a successful career, a sister who's his best friend and most of all, a bright future with his boyfriend. But, when the boyfriend dumps him for a woman, Corey sets off on a wild journey of self-discovery that leads him to new love and a life-changing choices.
So what happened after that?
I was attacked.
I am so sorry.
By a mountain lion.
Oh my God.
Big, muscular guy.
The park ranger said he was
attracted to my perfume.
You know, I smelled that
when you came in.
It was very unusual.
What is it?
Mountain lion urine.
Oh.
Have you ever been taken from
behind by a mountain lion?
I cannot say that I have.
It wasn't half bad.
We're going to need a lot
more sessions.
This changed me, Corey!
He dragged me to his cave!
I've had worse dates.
So, two times a week?
I never knew it could
be like that.
His tongue was like sandpaper.
He polished me down there.
Like a bowling ball.
Let's make it three.
* * *
[Locks door]
Oh yes, yes!
[Moaning]
Almost, almost... yes! Yes!
Was it worth the wait?
Here - buy yourself
something pretty.
Oh - but hurry home, sweetie.
I don't want to miss
"Housewives."
Yes, dear.
Excuse me - may I help you?
I'd like to make an
appointment.
* * *
Change!
Hey, buddy, you got a
little change?
Actually, I gave at
the office.
Really, coffee
business is that bad?
Are you finally gonna do it?
I have the rings right here.
You've been carrying them
around for three months!
What are you waiting for,
man-opause?
I'll do it before I'm 30!
Three more months? Whatever!
It's got to be perfect!
I actually have it
all mapped out.
As usual!
Kelse, this is a
once-in-a-lifetime thing.
Not for our parents.
Well, thank God I'm
not our parents!
You're right, our parents
would never wear...
ZEBRA-STRIPED THONGS!
Shut up!
Poor little baby zebra,
Oh, I bet his mommy misses it!
I actually freed the zebra,
about an hour ago.
At the office?
Dirty little whore!
I know, it's unprofessional,
But my heart was in
the right place.
Yeah, that's not your heart.
I believe it's
connected to my heart.
This "perfect moment" thing
has gone on long enough!
If you don't ask him tonight,
I'm going to ask him for you.
Don't, please, you're
going to mess it up.
I will if you make me!
Ow, seriously?
I'm going to call
him at 6:00 AM.
Either I'll say
congratulations,
Or I'm popping the question.
Okay! I'll ask... him.
I'll ask him!
Tonight? Pinky swear!
Don't wait for the
perfect moment.
Sometimes love happens when
you're making other plans.
I don't, uh...
believe in zebras.
Thongs, I don't wear...
I hooked dad up with some
stuff to take care of it...
Babe, I'm home!
Yeah mom, I'll tell him...
Yeah, I'll tell him.
Mom says to tell you that
she loves you.
And that the housewives are
shameless hussies.
Well, you tell that hussy
I love her too.
And dad!
He loves you, too. And dad.
Yeah, dad, just as a friend.
[Hangs up]
Hey, where's dinner, I thought
you were going to make
That French cuisine thing.
Pigeon... foie gras!
The market was fresh out of
pigeon.
And I made brownies.
What are you, like, 15?
From scratch, I'm
not a savage!
There's an order to the
food universe.
Brownies are reserved for
special occasions.
Parties, birthdays...
Well, we'll party on your
birthday, then.
I've got soccer practice,
7:30.
Dinner!
Relax - mama
ordered us a pizza.
Well, I'm starving.
It better get here soon.
I've got something you
can snack on.
Oh, baby!
[Sheep ringtone]
I have to take this.
I've got something you
have to take...
Give it a rest, this
is a client!
It's always a client.
Five minutes.
Hello? Okay, calm down...
No, it's fine that you called.
Baby!
Woah, slow down!
Deep breaths...
Tell me what happened...
deep breaths...
Okay, go to your happy place,
somewhere tropical...
Pizza!
My wallet is in my
coat pocket!
Alright, where are you?
Keep breathing...
[Knocking]
- No it isn't!
- Yes it is!
Keep breathing... Positively
fantasize, good.
And call me back in
five minutes.
Alright, okay, bye.
[Knocking]
You gonna get that?
Oh, shoot, I'm sorry, I know
you hate it when I do that.
My wallet's actually
right here, in my...
Pants.
Hey! Jumbo extra sausage?
Yes, please!
You're not the regular guy.
Yeah, Jimbo hurt his back.
I can see why.
Do I smell brownies?
Yeah - just, how much is this
gonna cost me?
It's all good, bro, I just
need to see the card.
Alright, thank you guys so
much.
Have a good night.
[Door slams]
"It's all good, bro?"
What an asshole!
What's gotten into you?
I'm more worried about who's
getting into you.
Why are you always flirting
with these straight guys?
I wasn't flirting, he just
wasn't what I expected.
I put the tip on the card.
What were the ones for,
a lap dance?
Woah, are you jealous?
Of the pizza guy?
I'd better get to practice, I
want to get an early start.
There's some new plays I
need to learn, and...
But we had plans - it
was date night.
You had plans.
* * *
Keep that coming, my man!
I hate these places.
A friend told me I should
get out more often.
You know, be more social.
With a rack like that, you
don't exactly look
Like you have a hard time
making friends.
Wow.
If you were hitting on me,
that's not a good open.
Sorry.
It's been a long time
since I've, uh...
- Fifteen years.
- Fifteen years?!
Jeez!
Fifteen years ago, I
was like still...
Okay, I'm going to stop you
Before you tell me how old you
were when Kurt Cobain died.
Who's Kurt Cobain?
Look at you!
I asked for that.
Let's start over.
Let me buy you a drink.
- They're real.
- What?!
Jesus, where have you been,
in prison?
In a relationship that
didn't involve boobs!
Yeah, me too!
Awesome!
- Boom!
- Boom!
- Boobs!
- Boobs!
And then, I got...
I got married.
When I was 23. Biggest
mistake of my life.
I mean, he seemed perfect.
He was a musician.
He had lots of money.
And I was so hot!
And now, I'm alone, and...
And you're still hot!
I'll bet you say that to
all the girls.
You'd be surprised.
Okay... sailor!
Surprise me!
* * *
[Moaning]
Oh my... what?!
[Car horn]
Hey, slow... Jesus Christ!
I'm not a grudge fuck!
Where'd you go?
Where were you just now?
Usually you look into my eyes,
it's my favorite thing.
It's when I feel most
connected to you.
I'm sorry, it...
Are you still made about
the pizza guy?
God no, I'm sorry for
being such a prick.
No - it was all me.
All the pheremones, and the
brownies, and...
The sausage fumes, I
just lost my head.
Look, this was a
trainwreck night.
- Let's forget it happened.
- Definitely.
[Text message tone]
I think I know something that
might make it better.
There's something I
need to tell you.
- Corey...
- Jon...
- Will you marry me?
- I think I'm bisexual.
What? You're... wait.
You think you're - oh honey,
why would you think that?
What did you do?
It's more of a "who."
You cheated?!
Calm down, it's not like I
planned it, it just...
Happened, and she was there...
SHE?! You put your... in a...
There is no way, there is
no fucking way.
Come on, you know I dated
girls in high school.
Bullshit!
I date girls in high school.
We watched Buffy,
And french-kissed posters of
James Van Der Beek.
Yeah, well on my dates, we
didn't watch Buffy!
How are you bi?
You're like the least curious
person I've ever known.
Would you just listen?
No, I have literally no idea
who you are right now!
And who is this woman, that
you allegedly fucked?
And does she know you're gay?
Or maybe, like...
flexi-sexual.
I'm not sure yet!
I don't want to define it!
Oh Jesus, no, that would mean
you'd have to make
A commitment!
And there it is - you have
been pressuring me,
And nagging me, and
suffocating me...
So this is my fault?
I turned you bi?
I was upset!
I was drunk, and upset, and I
had... these feelings!
Oh God no, feelings!
And these rings, and the pizza
guy, and you're always busy...
Woah... rings?
You knew?
- Baby, I love you...
- Don't touch me.
You knew I was going to
propose to you.
And you did this.
I've got to hand it to you,
mister.
That is the most
creative fucking way
I've ever heard of
avoiding a proposal.
They are going to love this at
the gay bridal shop!
I was scared, okay?
I found them and freaked out.
Everything just started
closing in on me!
Oh God, save me
from happiness!
Christ, I'm only 27!
I'm not ready to become my
goddamn parents,
That's not what I want.
Then what do you want?
I don't know!
I don't have to fucking
know every moment!
Every second of the rest of my
doesn't need
To be planned out already!
Well maybe you should
try it some time!
If you planned harder, maybe
you wouldn't be some...
Part-time, low-rent
gym trainer,
Who tripped and fell
into some pussy
On the most important
night of his life!
- Yeah, maybe it is.
- What?
The most important night of my
life, the night I woke up.
To your love of seafood?
- To you.
- Just go!
You want out, you
get your wish!
I'm going.
Good - and take that AC/DC
bullshit with you.
And don't come back until
you're gay again!
Don't hold your breath.
[Door slams, rings clattering]
[Alarm clock]
* * *
Asshole!
Come in...
[Doorbell]
Come innnnn...
Come innnnnn!
Veggie Delight?
More like veggie despair!
Oh. No brownies this time,
huh?
I gave them up.
They're bad for me.
I'm on a cleanse.
Pizza cleanse?
I want in on that.
[Sniffling]
I'm sorry, I'm a
bit of a mess.
No, don't worry -
this one's on me.
Oh, you don't have to do that.
No, I know. But I want to.
I mean, hey - we're
practically buds,
It's the least I can do.
I do deserve a break today.
Bon appetit!
Feel better, okay?
I always hated that douche.
For two years, you've
been telling me,
"Jon is so great!
You should totally marry him!"
And now he's a douche?
Whatever! Fuckin' "Jon."
J-O-N. Where's his
fucking "H?"
Never date a guy who doesn't
know how to spell
His own name.
You loved him, and
you know it.
Don't remind me!
What?
Are you eating a peanut butter
and jelly sandwich?
Here we go.
I am allergic!
You're not allergic, you just
hate it, there's a difference.
If I get around peanut butter,
I'm going to swell up
Bigger than Precious!
Crisis averted.
I just wanted it to
be perfect.
The white picket fence... the
onyx dishwasher...
The brushed aluminum gourmet
vintage melon baller.
You know what?
Love is a delusional state.
Oh God, dial it back,
Black Swan.
Life is a delusional state.
It's been a week, he should
be home by now.
I didn't actually think he
was going to leave.
- When you kicked him out?
- Shut up.
If he doesn't come back,
I'm moving in!
Fine, okay, whatever.
* * *
I'm so glad you made it in,
finally.
It's been two months!
I thought you moved.
I don't even know
where to begin!
I mean, it's been...
such a whirlwind!
A good whirlwind, I hope?
- I met this guy...
- Excellent, tell me.
Yeah - I took your advice!
I went out with the girls, and
we ended up at a bar.
He was so awkward, you know?
And like... cute!
Muscly! And, um...
He was really into me.
Melissa, how did that
make you feel?
Amazing.
You don't know what it's like
to be alone, and then...
Suddenly be wanted.
Well, tell me about him.
He's younger.
Okay.
He's a personal trainer.
He's an athlete.
An amazing cook!
God, he makes the most
unbelievable brownies!
Corey?
Corey?
- Corey!
- Hi. Corey.
- Yes!
- Melissa. Hi.
I was, I was... just lost in a
thought, for a moment.
Boy, this guy sounds like
quite a catch!
You sure there's not someone
else in his life?
Oh, no - God, believe me!
We talked, about everything.
He's very open.
Actually, the other night
he told me he'd
Been with both boys and girls.
So he's bisexual?
Um, he didn't want to
call it that, no.
He said something like...
"sexy flexible?"
"Flexi-sexual?"
- Yeah!
- Oh! That didn't bother you?
- No!
- Just a little?
- No!
- Just a little bit annoying?
Why would it bother me?
I mean, we all have a history.
I experimented with
girls in college.
Now you're not - we'll
get back to that.
Now, you're not worried
that he's, in the future,
Just going to up and leave
you for another guy?
I'm not worried
about anything.
For the first time in my life.
He's really into me.
And I'm really into him.
That's all I need for now.
You even said: stop obsessing!
And live in the moment!
That's really good advice.
- I like my boobs now!
- That's great.
Yeah, because, um, well...
- He's a boob man!
- No he's not... is he?
He loves boobs!
He's probably an ass man, too.
I told her I was glad
I could help.
She needs me, she's
so vulnerable.
She needs me for support.
You just want to pump her
for information.
Okay, okay, I'll refer her to
another therapist.
I'll be out of town until
they break up.
What if they don't?
So, who is this guy?
Online Love Match.
I have three matches!
Three? I'm surprised!
You're surprised I could
get three matches?
I'm surprised there are three
guys using onine dating.
The guys at the cafe all use
that smartphone gaydar.
Oh, Grindr?
I don't need Grindr.
I have three smokin'-hot guys
on the hook already.
When are you seeing all these
smokin'-hot guys?
Today.
What, all at once?
You're not that limber!
Not all at once.
I've scheduled them in 30
minute increments,
10 minutes apart.
The site recommended it,
They said it's very...
- Crazy!
- Efficient.
I just want to kiss someone
on my birthday!
One of these guys has
to work out.
Which reminds me - what do you
want for your birthday?
I mean, besides cock.
What?
It sounds so wrong coming
out of your mouth.
So, who's the first guy?
25. Gorgeous. Male model.
Oh, you should see his
picture.
Very glamorous.
Liberace took that photo
of me by his pool
At his villa in Palm Springs.
Your profile said you were 25?
Yes, I was 25! When Liberace
took that photo.
Of course, now I deal
in antiques.
You do like antiques,
don't you, Corey?
I... am not sure.
Oh, well you should, dear boy!
I mean, just today, I took in
a fine Chippendale
That's centuries old!
Of course, the drawers
are sagging a bit,
And the poor, dried-out knobs!
Practically falling off.
But there's nothing
quite as satisfying
As spending hour after hour
Lovingly polishing old wood.
Working the moisture into
those musty cracks.
So, when your profile said
"twice the man..."
Identical twins. Yeah.
We'll have you
coming and going.
Well, fellas...
Plural.
This is a lot to take in.
Oh, don't worry.
We'll make it fit.
Ouch.
Wow, you're really great.
This is a relief - to go out
with a normal guy
Who actually looks like his
profile picture.
Oh my God! Tell me about it.
So, Kyle - tell me
about yourself.
I saw on your profile
you have a son?
I do.
Would you like to meet him?
Sure - I mean, definitely,
yeah, at some point.
Well, I mean I ordinarily like
to take it slow,
But I don't know, this
just feels...
Right.
Why wait?
Corey, meet Gary.
Gary?
Are you gonna be my new daddy?
I'm a growing boy, and I need
a strong male role model.
Wow, okay, so you're
a puppeteer!
That is so great.
Puppeteer?
It's happening again.
He's just like all the others.
He doesn't think I'm real.
You know how ANGRY I get when
people don't think I'm real...
I get all STABBY!
[Gary screaming]
No, Corey's not like
all the others!
Are you, Corey?
No no, I'm not like
all the others!
[Screaming]
This has been really nice -
you're so good with Gary.
I'll call you!
Dammit.
He was so cute.
Do you suppose I could get
conjugal visits?
With him, or the puppet?
I am officially destined to
be alone forever.
For the love of - would you
give me your phone?
Gimme!
Is your password still
"Dongmaster82?"
Wow, just tell the whole
world, why don't you?
Here you go.
Welcome to the 21st Century.
Have fun!
Have fun with what?
Oh! Oh...
Maybe... yes!
Ooh, a fireman!
I'm 200 feet away
from a fireman!
I bet I got some matches
around here somewhere.
Do not set fire to my cafe!
Okay, buzzkill.
No, no... ooh, maybe.
No, no!
Oh, yeah... oh my God, yes!
What?
It's him, it's him! He's gay!
- And single.
- Who?
I have to go, he's 100 feet
away, on the move!
* * *
I zigged, when I
should've zagged.
Did you catch the fireman?
Better!
What's better than a fireman?
A pizza guy.
Did you hit your head
or something?
It says he's looking for
"Friendship, love,
or whatever."
That's very specific.
Hey - I know this guy! Pete!
Triple Venti soy
caramel macchiato!
He comes to Thursday
night Poetry Night.
He's a great read.
- Well I love poetry!
- You? Since when?
Since... what time is it now?
People look at me like being a
lesbian is a fashion craze,
When being a lesbian
is my TRUTH!
I lick vagina, and I LOVE IT!
[Bongos]
My aching sadness
echoes endlessly,
Like the DRIP, DRIP, DRIP of
the raindrops flow.
My bitter tears bleed, down in
the puddles
Of the cruel, cracked streets!
[Grindr message tone]
My heart... MENSTRUATES
Looooong and loney
Under the hangdog
moon BELOOOOW!
[Grindr message tones]
My lithe loins birth
a pale horse.
[Grindr message tones]
Born of bitter PAIN
and WOOOOOEEEE!
[Grindr message tones]
[Corey and Pete laughing]
MOTHER GAIA, LET MY PEOPLE GO!
[Snapping]
That's my sister!
- Kelsey?
- Yeah
Oh man, she's really cool.
She taught me how to read.
My first book was "Our Bodies,
Ourselves."
Where are you going?
And now, everybody,
here's Pete!
Here's Pete, everybody!
Thank you.
[Snapping]
There is a place
beyond desire,
Beyond wanting and need.
We join, man to man,
hand to hand,
Strength to strength.
Forever in you, forever in me.
Thank you.
[Snapping]
YES!
[Corey claps, then snaps]
I've never seen you at
this thing before!
Are you a poetry lover?
Well, I... not exactly.
I'm a little behind
on my reading.
Why, what's the last
thing you read?
"Poor Little Bitch Girl,"
by Jackie Collins.
- So you're into the classics.
- Definitely.
I'm just a lit nerd, I've
always got my face in a book.
- I even write a little bit.
- Nice!
Not what you expected?
Well, when it comes to you,
I'm learning to expect
the unexpected.
My uncle actually owns
the pizzeria.
Once his heart started going
bad, I had to help out.
Besides, grad school's a
little pricey.
I had no idea.
Hey, do you think you'd
want to go to...
[Phone ringing]
Oh, duty calls!
I've actually gotta run.
But, I'd love to talk
some more sometime.
Yeah - you know
where to find me.
Sure do!
Alright, I'll see you soon.
I'm... Corey.
- She's pretty.
- Yeah, she was.
What's her name?
Ask me a question I
can answer.
Um, your name?
So, you bag that
poetic Paisano yet?
Who, Pete? No. I...
He wouldn't be interested
in me, not really.
Are you kidding me?
I saw the way he
looked at you.
Yeah, and you also saw what
happened with Jon!
How do I know this
guy's even gay?
He's on Grindr!
He's gay enough.
Get on that thing and grind!
So, the divorce is
finally taken care of.
So how are you doing with the,
um... boyfriend?
I'm surpised I can even walk.
What?
I pulled a hamstring.
We went hiking.
How, um... how is he?
What do you mean?
What do I mean? I mean...
I mean, how is he
with... all of this.
Oh, well - he's the best
I've ever had.
He is like... one of
those army knives.
Of sexual positions.
I meant more feelings, but...
I literally had no idea some
of these sexual positions
Even existed.
The Tokyo Swirl.
The Slap Chop!
God, that was a scary one!
The Bird of Paradise.
One-Legged King Pigeon.
From the side!
I... I don't need to...
Downward-Facing Dong.
One time, we even did
it on my desk.
Desk?
I know, right?
I'm starting to get a little
bit of a migraine.
[Text message tone]
Ooh, I think that's him!
Speak of the devil.
Oh, he wants tacos.
[Text message tone]
No, wait - hot dogs!
He can never decide!
Yeah, listen -
I am going to be really
booked-up
For the next few weeks.
There's a... conference.
So my colleague is going to
fill in for me.
All you have to do
is call her.
Her number's right here.
And she's going to take
great care of you.
Well, I'll try.
But after being with you,
Anybody else is a pretty
poor substitute.
Looks like your
ball's hurting.
You don't know the half of it.
Ahh!
Woah, collision!
Oh, the humanity!
Man, I did not expect
to see you here.
Yeah, obviously.
I sent your goodies
flying everywhere.
So sorry - wow, this is a
lot of pretzels!
204 - not that I've counted.
Two hundred and...?
Four.
Each time, every time.
If there's less than that,
I take them back.
What if there's more?
Just hold tight - I'll
grab another bag.
I'll be right back.
I just lost count - what
number am I on?
78.
112.
Down the hatch, 78!
[Grindr message tones]
Popular!
Yeah, you know me, Mr. Love.
It's probably just my sister
punking me again.
I've actually met a lot of
cool people on that.
Mainly I just use it to
connect with friends,
And people I care about.
What about you?
Do you hook up often?
Me? Uh, me?
You know, like once
or twice a...
- day?
- decade. Day-cade.
- Yeah right!
- What about you?
I guess I'm just a little
bit of a romantic.
I just want to allow
things to happen.
Besides, love can't be
planned, right?
Right? Right! Me too.
Planning, pshh!
I don't even believe in that.
Like for example, my
birthday's coming up
In a few weeks,
I'm super casual about it.
I'm not even going to
celebrate it.
Oh, come on!
You have to celebrate!
Nope.
Well, if it's not too forward,
do you want to do
Something together?
Please tell me you don't
have a puppet.
- What?
- Or a twin.
I'm an only child, and puppets
kind of give me the creeps.
Me too... now.
You're sure you're really gay?
I checked... really
thoroughly.
See, you're funny, too!
Why aren't you married,
or taken,
Or being ravaged by 100
guys a night?
I doubt I could keep up with
100, but I don't know.
The first day or two
would be fun!
- But after that...
- Shut up.
- You want the truth?
- Yeah.
I just really
haven't had time.
My uncle requires a
lot of care.
Relationships can
just be so...
- complicated.
- Oh yeah.
I'll give you a dollar if you
can catch this in your mouth.
Bring it on!
Ahh, no!
So, Bill was pouring the rum,
And I said to him,
"Well yes, I would like a
little Captain in me."
So he rolled me over, bent me
over that big space chair,
And we went at it -
warp speed ahead!
Completely out of the blue?
Completely out of the blue.
Some of the best times
I've ever had
Are completely out
of the blue.
You've got to roll
with the changes.
Leap before you
look sometimes!
Bone a spaceman or two!
So, what's my penance?
Millie, we've been over this.
You know I'm not a priest.
Besides, there's no crime in
giving yourself over
To the love of... a starship
captain... commander.
All of them!
That's a relief.
You should hear what I did to
Dr. Spork!
Wow!
All this for lunch?
My cleaning lady's a klepto.
Sure you're not just
addicted to work?
Hey, I'll do the analyzing
around here, mister!
- Where are we going?
- That's a surprise.
I'm not super-big on surpises.
You're going to like this one.
Wow... so this is lunch?
It's no fancy restaurant,
I know.
But I wanted to share
this with you.
Oh God, It's beautiful!
Epic!
And I cannot stand that word,
but this is truly...
Epic.
It's my refuge.
It makes me feel centered.
No matter what's going on,
Everything's going
to be alright.
I need to feel that.
Look, I know you've been hurt,
and I don't want to...
That was all in the past.
I was with my ex for
a long time.
I knew it was over
before he did.
When a man loves you, it's
right there in his eyes.
When he looks at you,
You can tell you're like
breathing to him.
Hey, let's chow down!
I've got some great
food for us.
* * *
So...
Yeah.
I should probably get going.
Yeah.
I might want to be too...
* * *
A three-layer birthday
ice cream cake
That says, "Happy
Birthday Corey."
Big old letters!
No, no, that's "Corey,"
with an E-Y.
Okay, Friday? That's perfect,
Yes, I'm sure Corey's going to
be very surprised.
Look at you, the hot
mess express!
Yep!
I'm so proud of you!
You've come so far from the
tight-ass lunatic
I grew up with.
I'm pretty much
Mr. Adventure now.
Don't get hung up on labels.
Friendship, love, or...
whatever.
Excellent!
Which reminds me...
I want to talk to you about
the birthday schedule.
I need you to be out of the
house midnight
The night before,
So I can get my birthday
kiss from Pete.
The following day...
Yeah, I'll read it over.
Please initial
where the Xs are.
- Freak!
- I was kidding!
I doubt it.
I emailed you a copy.
See you next week!
Corey!
Hi, do you have a minute?
Hi Melissa - no, I'm
on my way out.
It'll just take five minutes.
I didn't have anyone
else to turn to,
And you're the only one that
would understand.
Come on in.
I'm sorry to corner you
like this, it's just
I called that
referral you gave me!
And she wouldn't understand!
It's my boyfriend.
I think...
He's cheating.
This is the, uh...
bisexual guy?
- "Flexi."
- Really? Still?
That's okay.
Why do you think he's
being unfaithful?
Um, I don't know if
unfaithful is the word.
Um, I don't know exactly
HOW TO PUT IT INTO WORDS!
- I just...
- Okay, slow down.
Take it easy.
Tell me what he did.
We've been arguing, and he
keeps making these excuses
To not be with me.
He just looks at me
differently.
Jon!
What?
How did you know I was here?
I... I saw your minivan.
I'm sorry about earlier.
Can we talk?
Well... yeah!
Corey, thank you, so much.
I didn't mean to take
advantage of you,
I appreciate you listening.
I really appreciate
our friendship.
- Who died?
- I'll take a shot of whiskey.
Why will no one just
order coffee?
I've tried your coffee.
Speaking of which, I need
to talk to you.
I'm like, having some
cash flow issues.
Hey! You ready?
It's really important!
Kelse, whatever it is, it can
wait til tonight.
We don't need to rush off.
We can hang loose.
No, we can't, we're
on a schedule.
The movie starts in
a half hour.
So we get there a little late.
What's the big deal?
The tickets are
non-refundable.
You know what?
Fine. Enjoy your movie.
You didn't need to leave
her like that.
She sounds like she
needs to talk to you.
Honeslty, I don't want
to hear about
Anyone else's feelings today.
Isn't that kind of your job?
Yeah, well - I'm
off the clock.
It was nothing like
the preview.
I thought it was pretty good.
You like that highbrow stuff,
I just wanted a chick flick.
Something simple.
No more surprises.
What are you so wound
up today for?
I don't know, okay?
What can I do to
make it better?
Just quit being so
fucking perfect!
I'm not perfect.
I'm far from it.
Oh my God, seriously,
what's wrong with you?
Why do you even like me?
What kind of question is that?
A fair one!
You're a great guy,
with a good heart.
Yeah and I'm really sweet,
and nice,
But you know what, I'm not
some Pepperoni Adonis who...
Wait, is that how you see me?
Trust me, that's how everyone
sees you!
Guys like you...
There's not "guys like me."
There's just me.
I'm real. What am I to you?
Just some empty-headed
underwear model
Who coasts through life on
his pecs and glutes?
I didn't say you coast.
Come on, you're like the
hottest guy I've ever met!
What could even see in me?!
Don't box me into that.
That's not me.
My entire life I've had to
deal with people treating me
Like a piece of meat.
I didn't expect you to do it,
too.
Wow, that sounds really hard.
I'm just going to
call it a night.
Good.
Call me whenever you get
your head together.
Yeah, don't hold your breath.
Lately I find myself walking
through the woods
With a bunch of raw steaks.
Uh-huh.
The mountain lion at the
zoo got a new mate.
I don't know what he
sees in her.
She's just some plain
Jane cougar.
That fleabag doesn't know
what he needs.
Uh-huh.
Once you go lion, you
never stop tryin'.
Sounds good.
Hell yeah it does.
Wait, what?
Huh?
On the house.
Thanks.
So I guess you heard?/
He called to cry about it.
I hung up on him.
I haven't heard him cry that
much since
They stopped making Zima.
You and I still cool?
Slam poet code, dude.
That's what I'm talking about.
How long have you
had this place?
Three years.
I always wanted a place
where freaks, weirdos,
Artists, and queers could come
get amped up on caffeine
And inspiration, and go
take on the world.
There's a lot of you in here.
It's home!
Hell, I slept in the
kitchen the first year.
Health Department finally
kicked me out.
Why?
I did this one babe
on the counter.
Health inspector walked in
Right before I
ground her mocha.
I just hope I can hold on
to this place.
I'm a people person - but
spreadsheets, ugh!
Me too.
Money just gives me headaches!
I like my dollars
like my women:
Too many to count!
So, are you gonna go over to
our place later?
You think he'd want me to?
God yes!
I'm sure he's hanging
by the phone,
Counting the minutes
and the pretzels.
204.
God, he's got you
doing it now, too?
Unfortunately.
He's been planning his
midnight kiss since 1985.
You're right.
I have to get the
birthday kiss right.
Yeah!
No pressure, dude.
Game face!
I gotta get out of here,
gotta get to the pizzeria.
Here - take our house key.
He loves surprises!
Thanks, Kelsey.
I said to Bobby, "Let's try it
missionary style this time."
You know... "heart to heart."
Millie, have you ever heard of
M?nchausen Syndrome?
Heard of it?
Hell, I invented it.
I just wish I had someone
to share it with.
I mean, I wish I had someone
special to share it with,
For free.
You're kind of like a
talk gigolo.
Listen - I've got to go,
it's my big 3-0 tomorrow.
Woo-hoo, the big 3-0!
What is that in gay years, 85?
Hey!
Hey, yeah - those old hard
candies, mentholated ointment,
Adult diapers!
They're all ahead of you!
You know, I remember
when I was 30.
I was so set in my ways, so
sure of everything.
I didn't know about change.
I didn't know how much
fun I could have.
It's about the journey.
The big adventure is
just ahead of you!
Just find someone to share it
with, and you've got it made.
Yeah.
Of course... I do
make things up.
[Doorbell]
Kelsey: I don't need much!
Just a couple thousand to
get me through.
[Knocking]
Kelse, I gotta go.
Kelsey: Call me back!
What are you doing?
I came home.
This place is not your home.
We had plans, remember?
The kiss.
I remember a lot of things.
Like, your girlfriend.
Where is she?
It's - it's not like that.
We have an understanding.
Really?
That's not what she says.
Wait - you're not still
talking to her?
I have to, Jon! You won't.
Jesus, Corey, that's
really unethical.
Yeah?
Tell me a little
something about ethics.
Don't!
I can't help it.
I feel like I can't
breathe without you.
Use your inhaler.
You always forget.
Sometimes you don't
appreciate what you have
Until you lose it.
You! I didn't appreciate
what I had with you!
I didn't realize.
- You do now?
- Yeah.
No matter how scared I was,
No matter how much I
wanted or needed,
I should've never done
anything to hurt you.
I told you not to come back,
unless...
[Moaning]
I have missed this!
That was a mistake.
A mistake?
Are you kidding me?!
This was fucking perfect!
You felt it too, I
know you did.
It wasn't you.
I just need time.
[Car horn]
You should probably get
your clothes and go.
Hey!
I had Jimbo watch the shop, I
didn't want you to miss out
On your birthday...
What the fuck, we didn't
order a pizza!
Wait a minute... the
pizza guy's gay?!
Pete! Don't go!
There is some old lady
outside in a minivan
About to lose her shit!
Oh fuck, my ride's here!
Your ride?!
What did you expect me to do,
walk?
You've got to be
fucking kidding me!
Kelse...
Hello, Jon? Are you here?
I've been waiting for half an
hour, I've been worried...
- Corey?!
- Hi.
What are you doing here?
He lives here.
Alone, from now on.
Jon, Corey - oh my God!
Liss, it's not what
it looks like!
It's exactly what
it looks like!
Corey, have you been
fucking my boyfriend?
Technically, you were
fucking my boyfriend.
- Boyfriend? Really?
- No.
I can't believe this, I can't
believe I trusted you!
- Liss, sweetie...
- I'm talking about him!
- Me? What about him?!
- Oh, thanks.
Wait a minute - he was
upfront with me!
He never tried to be a
saint... Hi.
He just told me that, um...
No! It was you!
I... was trying to
protect you.
Well you should've
tried harder!
No, Kelse, please don't go!
I needed you tonight, but no!
I've been trying to talk to
you for like, a week,
But you're too busy,
just like always.
Wait, Kelse!
Are you happy?
You've totally destroyed
My whole fucking life.
Looks like you did that
fine on your own!
Lissa, wait...
I bought you these!
I might still have
the receipt,
And maybe I can get that back.
- Baby, wait...
- Oh, I am not your baby!
And you are not mine!
No, you...
Can find a ride home.
Where am I supposed to go?
I don't care!
You two are perfect
for each other.
Give me that!
Hey, mom...
* * *
Did you throw up on
the stairs?
It looks like a Banksy.
I go in front of the
licensing board in a week.
It's supposed to be
confidential, but...
What?
Melissa may have mentioned
it to a few people...
Online.
Hello, internet!
Have you seen this man?!
Don't let him fuck
your boyfriend.
Cause you know what?
He might want to FUCK
YOUR BOYFRIEND!
CAUSE HE'S A BOYFRIEND-FUCKER!
That's what he is, he's a
boyfriend-fucker!
So find him before he fucks
your boyfriend!
Wow, that's a happy lady.
52,000 views. Good for you.
Yeah, hating me has
gone viral.
That's what happens when they
catch you ridin' dirty, hoss!
Aw, don't be gross.
Gross? Gross is walking in,
Watching you work your scuzzy
ex like a Shake Weight,
That's gross!
Oh, whatever.
Oh, fuck my life!
What did you end up doing
on yor birthday?
Oh, y'know, shotgunned three
boxes of Chablis
And a case of
Mexican-style Aerosol cheez.
Officially, I still hate you.
Okay.
- But unofficially...
- I'm so sorry.
I know you are. Dumb slut.
Sex with an ex, the dirty
dance of death!
His cock should come with
a warning label:
"Not to be taken internally."
Right up there.
I'm going home to Tehachapi.
Gonna live in a
trailer with mom.
Probably sit out on the porch
and play a banjo.
Contemplate messing
with tourists.
- What about the...
- It's gone, Corey.
The coffee bar's gone.
There's nothing left to do.
I'm going home.
Oh no.
[Phone ringing]
Voicemail: Hey, you've
reached Pete, leave a message.
I know, I know you
probably hate me,
But I want you to know
how sorry I am.
About your uncle, and about...
what I did.
God, if you were here with me,
I would just do...
Hey.
Backflips.
Hi.
I'm...
I'm sorry if I interrupted
your phone call.
Pete, I am so sorry.
Please listen, please listen,
please...
Look, whatever you have to
say, just say it.
I'm sorry I cheated.
I'm sorry for being
so selfish.
I'm sorry about the movie.
I'm sorry about being so
insane about my birthday.
I'm sorry about hogging all
the even-numbered pretzels,
It's not fair when I do that.
I'm sorry about...
For the Kennedy assassination?
"I'm sorry about
global warming."
And skinny jeans?
Yeah. My fault.
"And most of all..."
I'm really sorry
about your uncle.
Yeah, he was a good man.
Look, just forget it.
I understand what happened.
Well, that makes one of us.
We had a good start.
We had a great start.
I just don't think either one
of us were ready.
In these crazy,
stressed-out times, it's...
Hard to really know
what matters.
- I'm leaving town tomorrow.
- What?
I just came her to say
goodbye.
To this place.
To my uncle Sal.
- No, you can't leave!
- I can't?
Give me one good reason why.
- School.
- School's out.
- Poetry reading?
- Kelsey's is closed.
- Pizzeria!
- Corey...
Hey, pizza is the
lifeblood of our community!
The gayborhood will
starve without you!
You don't want that on
your conscience, mister.
- What about the bears?
- The bears?
And the otters...
And the twinks... the
twinks will be fine.
They don't eat.
Think about...
Look, I'm going to go
to Colorado,
And then down to New Mexico,
maybe Texas.
Just, away.
- What does it matter?
- You matter.
You matter to me.
I might be back at the
end of summer.
That is so far away.
- Pete...
- What?
Have a great summer.
[Phone ringing]
Jon, seriously, I do not -
I'm not in the mood!
[Phone ringing]
Jon, dammit, for the
love of God,
I am not going to do the dirty
dance of death with...
Oh. Sorry. Yes?
No, this is Corey, her
brother, may I...
No, she's out of town.
May I ask what this is
in regards to?
Foreclosure auction?
Tomorrow at noon?
Tomorrow at noon!
Bye-bye!
Tomorrow at noon!
Tomorrow at noon!
Well, here's all this crap!
Got a match?
I want to burn it.
Well, there's that positive,
sunshine-y attitude!
You want to save your place,
or not?
Yes, but...
Well then sit back and watch
me work my
Organizational magic.
Or, as I like to call it...
crazy.
This time, "crazy" is going
to save your bacon.
Bacon! I'm hungry,
let's order pizza!
Better make it Chinese.
I don't understand
your system.
The yellow ones are
accounts payable,
And the white ones are
accounts receivable.
These are all yellow!
I ran out of white paper,
okay?!
God, this is crazy, they'll
never go for it.
According to this, you're
not even broke.
When do you send out bills?
I don't like to be a buzzkill,
people pay when they can,
It's totally cool.
Bankruptcy is not cool!
Are you updating your Twitter?
I am making you a
business plan.
I don't have a fucking
business plan!
Well, you do now, missy.
- Bam!
- Blam!
- Hey, what is this?
- Just leave it!
This is today!
This is in an hour!
Your hearing is in an hour!
So is your auction!
Call them to reschedule!
No, it's too late.
I'll go down there and
deal with it after.
AFTERWARDS WILL BE TOO LATE!
Wow! Then I'll learn how
to pour coffee.
Oh God, I'd kill myself if I
had to work with
You every day.
I mean that with love,
sweetie.
Come on!
So, who drove you this time?
My mom?
Funny. Today's the day, huh?
Yeah, this is it, time to
pay the piper.
I'm sorry.
I feel really horrible.
Hey, I'm an adult.
Today's my fault, not yours.
Okay, I absolve you - go forth
and sin some more, my son.
You know if I could do
anything to fix it...
That would be a miracle.
I gotta go, I'm going to be
late for my own hanging.
Kelse, c'mon!
Why am I the damn pack mule?!
So, as you can see
in Schedule C,
The projected revenue stream
in the first six months
Is consistent with growth in
small businesses
In the area, as foot traffic
increases the...
During the late...
seasonally, it's...
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Mm-hm. Yep.
I read all of it's... words.
Words!
There's a lot of words.
Did I do something wrong?
No, no!
It's perfect.
It's anal.
It's loan paperwork, and
banking, and it's just... ugh.
It just makes me want to barf.
But you're a loan officer.
That is what I do!
That is not who I am!
You know who I am?
I'M A DANCER!
[Grindr message tone]
Oh, stop the... you gotta turn
it down, turn it down...
Please, please, how
do you do it?
Oh, that guy.
I know that guy -
that guy came in!
That guy paid off your loan!
WHAT?!
Pete paid off our loan?
Yeah!
He sold his business.
He closed his account.
He paid off your balance.
With so much money.
So much sexy, sexual,
erotic... money.
So what are we...
- I love money.
- Yeah...
Sorry to interrupt - what
are we doing here?
I don't know what
you're doing here.
But I know what
we're doing here.
Dancing. Right? Dancing!
What kind of bank is this?
Oh, shit! I gotta go!
Good luck at the hearing!
I thought he'd never leave!
It's over. They all left.
I need to tell you
how sorry I am.
- I never meant to...
- I withdrew the complaint.
Why?
A friend of ours
told me a story.
What kind of story?
Well, it was a story about
this great guy,
Whose heart was
broken into pieces
By this hot, horny, dumb kid,
Who was just trying to figure
out what he wanted.
How does the story end?
You know, before this whole
situation happened,
I didn't understand how
far you can go
When you lose
someone you love.
Or sometimes... sometimes
not far enough.
Yeah - I see now that you were
Trying to get me to see
other people.
But I didn't!
I didn't do enough.
When my husband left me,
I did not have a friend
in the world.
I don't know what I would have
done without you.
You would've been fine.
No. You helped me
get through it.
You helped me get out,
and try to rebuild my life.
And it cost you.
You know, I just hope that
some day, you find somebody
That helps you go
through things too.
Whether it be a friend,
or a love.
Or whatever.
I gotta go catch him.
Thank you.
Um, okay, so I'll
see you around.
Professionally?
Oh, not a chance in hell.
Good call.
* * *
[Crowd cheering]
Dammit, where is he?!
I think you found him.
My whole life, I have waited,
So long, for the
perfect moment.
The perfect,
cookie-cutter life.
Corey...
If you need to go, go.
Corey...
But all I want to say, is that
when we're together,
Every moment is the
perfect moment.
So...
Where do you want to go first?
Anywhere.
Everywhere.
Right now? Right this second?
KELSEY, I'M RUNNING
AWAY WITH PETE!
And I don't know when I'm
going to be back!
A few weeks, or a
few months...
Or whatever!
Free drinks for all you
faggots!
[Cheering]
Ugh, smells like junior high!
- I love you, sis!
- Love you more!
Where do you want to go first?
Surprise me.
Let's go!
* * *
- Thanks for the ride.
- No, thank you.
For what?
The ride.
- Hey, Kyle!
- Jon! Great to meet you.
I'm gonna have a new daddy!
Did you say something?
I was attacked.
I am so sorry.
By a mountain lion.
Oh my God.
Big, muscular guy.
The park ranger said he was
attracted to my perfume.
You know, I smelled that
when you came in.
It was very unusual.
What is it?
Mountain lion urine.
Oh.
Have you ever been taken from
behind by a mountain lion?
I cannot say that I have.
It wasn't half bad.
We're going to need a lot
more sessions.
This changed me, Corey!
He dragged me to his cave!
I've had worse dates.
So, two times a week?
I never knew it could
be like that.
His tongue was like sandpaper.
He polished me down there.
Like a bowling ball.
Let's make it three.
* * *
[Locks door]
Oh yes, yes!
[Moaning]
Almost, almost... yes! Yes!
Was it worth the wait?
Here - buy yourself
something pretty.
Oh - but hurry home, sweetie.
I don't want to miss
"Housewives."
Yes, dear.
Excuse me - may I help you?
I'd like to make an
appointment.
* * *
Change!
Hey, buddy, you got a
little change?
Actually, I gave at
the office.
Really, coffee
business is that bad?
Are you finally gonna do it?
I have the rings right here.
You've been carrying them
around for three months!
What are you waiting for,
man-opause?
I'll do it before I'm 30!
Three more months? Whatever!
It's got to be perfect!
I actually have it
all mapped out.
As usual!
Kelse, this is a
once-in-a-lifetime thing.
Not for our parents.
Well, thank God I'm
not our parents!
You're right, our parents
would never wear...
ZEBRA-STRIPED THONGS!
Shut up!
Poor little baby zebra,
Oh, I bet his mommy misses it!
I actually freed the zebra,
about an hour ago.
At the office?
Dirty little whore!
I know, it's unprofessional,
But my heart was in
the right place.
Yeah, that's not your heart.
I believe it's
connected to my heart.
This "perfect moment" thing
has gone on long enough!
If you don't ask him tonight,
I'm going to ask him for you.
Don't, please, you're
going to mess it up.
I will if you make me!
Ow, seriously?
I'm going to call
him at 6:00 AM.
Either I'll say
congratulations,
Or I'm popping the question.
Okay! I'll ask... him.
I'll ask him!
Tonight? Pinky swear!
Don't wait for the
perfect moment.
Sometimes love happens when
you're making other plans.
I don't, uh...
believe in zebras.
Thongs, I don't wear...
I hooked dad up with some
stuff to take care of it...
Babe, I'm home!
Yeah mom, I'll tell him...
Yeah, I'll tell him.
Mom says to tell you that
she loves you.
And that the housewives are
shameless hussies.
Well, you tell that hussy
I love her too.
And dad!
He loves you, too. And dad.
Yeah, dad, just as a friend.
[Hangs up]
Hey, where's dinner, I thought
you were going to make
That French cuisine thing.
Pigeon... foie gras!
The market was fresh out of
pigeon.
And I made brownies.
What are you, like, 15?
From scratch, I'm
not a savage!
There's an order to the
food universe.
Brownies are reserved for
special occasions.
Parties, birthdays...
Well, we'll party on your
birthday, then.
I've got soccer practice,
7:30.
Dinner!
Relax - mama
ordered us a pizza.
Well, I'm starving.
It better get here soon.
I've got something you
can snack on.
Oh, baby!
[Sheep ringtone]
I have to take this.
I've got something you
have to take...
Give it a rest, this
is a client!
It's always a client.
Five minutes.
Hello? Okay, calm down...
No, it's fine that you called.
Baby!
Woah, slow down!
Deep breaths...
Tell me what happened...
deep breaths...
Okay, go to your happy place,
somewhere tropical...
Pizza!
My wallet is in my
coat pocket!
Alright, where are you?
Keep breathing...
[Knocking]
- No it isn't!
- Yes it is!
Keep breathing... Positively
fantasize, good.
And call me back in
five minutes.
Alright, okay, bye.
[Knocking]
You gonna get that?
Oh, shoot, I'm sorry, I know
you hate it when I do that.
My wallet's actually
right here, in my...
Pants.
Hey! Jumbo extra sausage?
Yes, please!
You're not the regular guy.
Yeah, Jimbo hurt his back.
I can see why.
Do I smell brownies?
Yeah - just, how much is this
gonna cost me?
It's all good, bro, I just
need to see the card.
Alright, thank you guys so
much.
Have a good night.
[Door slams]
"It's all good, bro?"
What an asshole!
What's gotten into you?
I'm more worried about who's
getting into you.
Why are you always flirting
with these straight guys?
I wasn't flirting, he just
wasn't what I expected.
I put the tip on the card.
What were the ones for,
a lap dance?
Woah, are you jealous?
Of the pizza guy?
I'd better get to practice, I
want to get an early start.
There's some new plays I
need to learn, and...
But we had plans - it
was date night.
You had plans.
* * *
Keep that coming, my man!
I hate these places.
A friend told me I should
get out more often.
You know, be more social.
With a rack like that, you
don't exactly look
Like you have a hard time
making friends.
Wow.
If you were hitting on me,
that's not a good open.
Sorry.
It's been a long time
since I've, uh...
- Fifteen years.
- Fifteen years?!
Jeez!
Fifteen years ago, I
was like still...
Okay, I'm going to stop you
Before you tell me how old you
were when Kurt Cobain died.
Who's Kurt Cobain?
Look at you!
I asked for that.
Let's start over.
Let me buy you a drink.
- They're real.
- What?!
Jesus, where have you been,
in prison?
In a relationship that
didn't involve boobs!
Yeah, me too!
Awesome!
- Boom!
- Boom!
- Boobs!
- Boobs!
And then, I got...
I got married.
When I was 23. Biggest
mistake of my life.
I mean, he seemed perfect.
He was a musician.
He had lots of money.
And I was so hot!
And now, I'm alone, and...
And you're still hot!
I'll bet you say that to
all the girls.
You'd be surprised.
Okay... sailor!
Surprise me!
* * *
[Moaning]
Oh my... what?!
[Car horn]
Hey, slow... Jesus Christ!
I'm not a grudge fuck!
Where'd you go?
Where were you just now?
Usually you look into my eyes,
it's my favorite thing.
It's when I feel most
connected to you.
I'm sorry, it...
Are you still made about
the pizza guy?
God no, I'm sorry for
being such a prick.
No - it was all me.
All the pheremones, and the
brownies, and...
The sausage fumes, I
just lost my head.
Look, this was a
trainwreck night.
- Let's forget it happened.
- Definitely.
[Text message tone]
I think I know something that
might make it better.
There's something I
need to tell you.
- Corey...
- Jon...
- Will you marry me?
- I think I'm bisexual.
What? You're... wait.
You think you're - oh honey,
why would you think that?
What did you do?
It's more of a "who."
You cheated?!
Calm down, it's not like I
planned it, it just...
Happened, and she was there...
SHE?! You put your... in a...
There is no way, there is
no fucking way.
Come on, you know I dated
girls in high school.
Bullshit!
I date girls in high school.
We watched Buffy,
And french-kissed posters of
James Van Der Beek.
Yeah, well on my dates, we
didn't watch Buffy!
How are you bi?
You're like the least curious
person I've ever known.
Would you just listen?
No, I have literally no idea
who you are right now!
And who is this woman, that
you allegedly fucked?
And does she know you're gay?
Or maybe, like...
flexi-sexual.
I'm not sure yet!
I don't want to define it!
Oh Jesus, no, that would mean
you'd have to make
A commitment!
And there it is - you have
been pressuring me,
And nagging me, and
suffocating me...
So this is my fault?
I turned you bi?
I was upset!
I was drunk, and upset, and I
had... these feelings!
Oh God no, feelings!
And these rings, and the pizza
guy, and you're always busy...
Woah... rings?
You knew?
- Baby, I love you...
- Don't touch me.
You knew I was going to
propose to you.
And you did this.
I've got to hand it to you,
mister.
That is the most
creative fucking way
I've ever heard of
avoiding a proposal.
They are going to love this at
the gay bridal shop!
I was scared, okay?
I found them and freaked out.
Everything just started
closing in on me!
Oh God, save me
from happiness!
Christ, I'm only 27!
I'm not ready to become my
goddamn parents,
That's not what I want.
Then what do you want?
I don't know!
I don't have to fucking
know every moment!
Every second of the rest of my
doesn't need
To be planned out already!
Well maybe you should
try it some time!
If you planned harder, maybe
you wouldn't be some...
Part-time, low-rent
gym trainer,
Who tripped and fell
into some pussy
On the most important
night of his life!
- Yeah, maybe it is.
- What?
The most important night of my
life, the night I woke up.
To your love of seafood?
- To you.
- Just go!
You want out, you
get your wish!
I'm going.
Good - and take that AC/DC
bullshit with you.
And don't come back until
you're gay again!
Don't hold your breath.
[Door slams, rings clattering]
[Alarm clock]
* * *
Asshole!
Come in...
[Doorbell]
Come innnnn...
Come innnnnn!
Veggie Delight?
More like veggie despair!
Oh. No brownies this time,
huh?
I gave them up.
They're bad for me.
I'm on a cleanse.
Pizza cleanse?
I want in on that.
[Sniffling]
I'm sorry, I'm a
bit of a mess.
No, don't worry -
this one's on me.
Oh, you don't have to do that.
No, I know. But I want to.
I mean, hey - we're
practically buds,
It's the least I can do.
I do deserve a break today.
Bon appetit!
Feel better, okay?
I always hated that douche.
For two years, you've
been telling me,
"Jon is so great!
You should totally marry him!"
And now he's a douche?
Whatever! Fuckin' "Jon."
J-O-N. Where's his
fucking "H?"
Never date a guy who doesn't
know how to spell
His own name.
You loved him, and
you know it.
Don't remind me!
What?
Are you eating a peanut butter
and jelly sandwich?
Here we go.
I am allergic!
You're not allergic, you just
hate it, there's a difference.
If I get around peanut butter,
I'm going to swell up
Bigger than Precious!
Crisis averted.
I just wanted it to
be perfect.
The white picket fence... the
onyx dishwasher...
The brushed aluminum gourmet
vintage melon baller.
You know what?
Love is a delusional state.
Oh God, dial it back,
Black Swan.
Life is a delusional state.
It's been a week, he should
be home by now.
I didn't actually think he
was going to leave.
- When you kicked him out?
- Shut up.
If he doesn't come back,
I'm moving in!
Fine, okay, whatever.
* * *
I'm so glad you made it in,
finally.
It's been two months!
I thought you moved.
I don't even know
where to begin!
I mean, it's been...
such a whirlwind!
A good whirlwind, I hope?
- I met this guy...
- Excellent, tell me.
Yeah - I took your advice!
I went out with the girls, and
we ended up at a bar.
He was so awkward, you know?
And like... cute!
Muscly! And, um...
He was really into me.
Melissa, how did that
make you feel?
Amazing.
You don't know what it's like
to be alone, and then...
Suddenly be wanted.
Well, tell me about him.
He's younger.
Okay.
He's a personal trainer.
He's an athlete.
An amazing cook!
God, he makes the most
unbelievable brownies!
Corey?
Corey?
- Corey!
- Hi. Corey.
- Yes!
- Melissa. Hi.
I was, I was... just lost in a
thought, for a moment.
Boy, this guy sounds like
quite a catch!
You sure there's not someone
else in his life?
Oh, no - God, believe me!
We talked, about everything.
He's very open.
Actually, the other night
he told me he'd
Been with both boys and girls.
So he's bisexual?
Um, he didn't want to
call it that, no.
He said something like...
"sexy flexible?"
"Flexi-sexual?"
- Yeah!
- Oh! That didn't bother you?
- No!
- Just a little?
- No!
- Just a little bit annoying?
Why would it bother me?
I mean, we all have a history.
I experimented with
girls in college.
Now you're not - we'll
get back to that.
Now, you're not worried
that he's, in the future,
Just going to up and leave
you for another guy?
I'm not worried
about anything.
For the first time in my life.
He's really into me.
And I'm really into him.
That's all I need for now.
You even said: stop obsessing!
And live in the moment!
That's really good advice.
- I like my boobs now!
- That's great.
Yeah, because, um, well...
- He's a boob man!
- No he's not... is he?
He loves boobs!
He's probably an ass man, too.
I told her I was glad
I could help.
She needs me, she's
so vulnerable.
She needs me for support.
You just want to pump her
for information.
Okay, okay, I'll refer her to
another therapist.
I'll be out of town until
they break up.
What if they don't?
So, who is this guy?
Online Love Match.
I have three matches!
Three? I'm surprised!
You're surprised I could
get three matches?
I'm surprised there are three
guys using onine dating.
The guys at the cafe all use
that smartphone gaydar.
Oh, Grindr?
I don't need Grindr.
I have three smokin'-hot guys
on the hook already.
When are you seeing all these
smokin'-hot guys?
Today.
What, all at once?
You're not that limber!
Not all at once.
I've scheduled them in 30
minute increments,
10 minutes apart.
The site recommended it,
They said it's very...
- Crazy!
- Efficient.
I just want to kiss someone
on my birthday!
One of these guys has
to work out.
Which reminds me - what do you
want for your birthday?
I mean, besides cock.
What?
It sounds so wrong coming
out of your mouth.
So, who's the first guy?
25. Gorgeous. Male model.
Oh, you should see his
picture.
Very glamorous.
Liberace took that photo
of me by his pool
At his villa in Palm Springs.
Your profile said you were 25?
Yes, I was 25! When Liberace
took that photo.
Of course, now I deal
in antiques.
You do like antiques,
don't you, Corey?
I... am not sure.
Oh, well you should, dear boy!
I mean, just today, I took in
a fine Chippendale
That's centuries old!
Of course, the drawers
are sagging a bit,
And the poor, dried-out knobs!
Practically falling off.
But there's nothing
quite as satisfying
As spending hour after hour
Lovingly polishing old wood.
Working the moisture into
those musty cracks.
So, when your profile said
"twice the man..."
Identical twins. Yeah.
We'll have you
coming and going.
Well, fellas...
Plural.
This is a lot to take in.
Oh, don't worry.
We'll make it fit.
Ouch.
Wow, you're really great.
This is a relief - to go out
with a normal guy
Who actually looks like his
profile picture.
Oh my God! Tell me about it.
So, Kyle - tell me
about yourself.
I saw on your profile
you have a son?
I do.
Would you like to meet him?
Sure - I mean, definitely,
yeah, at some point.
Well, I mean I ordinarily like
to take it slow,
But I don't know, this
just feels...
Right.
Why wait?
Corey, meet Gary.
Gary?
Are you gonna be my new daddy?
I'm a growing boy, and I need
a strong male role model.
Wow, okay, so you're
a puppeteer!
That is so great.
Puppeteer?
It's happening again.
He's just like all the others.
He doesn't think I'm real.
You know how ANGRY I get when
people don't think I'm real...
I get all STABBY!
[Gary screaming]
No, Corey's not like
all the others!
Are you, Corey?
No no, I'm not like
all the others!
[Screaming]
This has been really nice -
you're so good with Gary.
I'll call you!
Dammit.
He was so cute.
Do you suppose I could get
conjugal visits?
With him, or the puppet?
I am officially destined to
be alone forever.
For the love of - would you
give me your phone?
Gimme!
Is your password still
"Dongmaster82?"
Wow, just tell the whole
world, why don't you?
Here you go.
Welcome to the 21st Century.
Have fun!
Have fun with what?
Oh! Oh...
Maybe... yes!
Ooh, a fireman!
I'm 200 feet away
from a fireman!
I bet I got some matches
around here somewhere.
Do not set fire to my cafe!
Okay, buzzkill.
No, no... ooh, maybe.
No, no!
Oh, yeah... oh my God, yes!
What?
It's him, it's him! He's gay!
- And single.
- Who?
I have to go, he's 100 feet
away, on the move!
* * *
I zigged, when I
should've zagged.
Did you catch the fireman?
Better!
What's better than a fireman?
A pizza guy.
Did you hit your head
or something?
It says he's looking for
"Friendship, love,
or whatever."
That's very specific.
Hey - I know this guy! Pete!
Triple Venti soy
caramel macchiato!
He comes to Thursday
night Poetry Night.
He's a great read.
- Well I love poetry!
- You? Since when?
Since... what time is it now?
People look at me like being a
lesbian is a fashion craze,
When being a lesbian
is my TRUTH!
I lick vagina, and I LOVE IT!
[Bongos]
My aching sadness
echoes endlessly,
Like the DRIP, DRIP, DRIP of
the raindrops flow.
My bitter tears bleed, down in
the puddles
Of the cruel, cracked streets!
[Grindr message tone]
My heart... MENSTRUATES
Looooong and loney
Under the hangdog
moon BELOOOOW!
[Grindr message tones]
My lithe loins birth
a pale horse.
[Grindr message tones]
Born of bitter PAIN
and WOOOOOEEEE!
[Grindr message tones]
[Corey and Pete laughing]
MOTHER GAIA, LET MY PEOPLE GO!
[Snapping]
That's my sister!
- Kelsey?
- Yeah
Oh man, she's really cool.
She taught me how to read.
My first book was "Our Bodies,
Ourselves."
Where are you going?
And now, everybody,
here's Pete!
Here's Pete, everybody!
Thank you.
[Snapping]
There is a place
beyond desire,
Beyond wanting and need.
We join, man to man,
hand to hand,
Strength to strength.
Forever in you, forever in me.
Thank you.
[Snapping]
YES!
[Corey claps, then snaps]
I've never seen you at
this thing before!
Are you a poetry lover?
Well, I... not exactly.
I'm a little behind
on my reading.
Why, what's the last
thing you read?
"Poor Little Bitch Girl,"
by Jackie Collins.
- So you're into the classics.
- Definitely.
I'm just a lit nerd, I've
always got my face in a book.
- I even write a little bit.
- Nice!
Not what you expected?
Well, when it comes to you,
I'm learning to expect
the unexpected.
My uncle actually owns
the pizzeria.
Once his heart started going
bad, I had to help out.
Besides, grad school's a
little pricey.
I had no idea.
Hey, do you think you'd
want to go to...
[Phone ringing]
Oh, duty calls!
I've actually gotta run.
But, I'd love to talk
some more sometime.
Yeah - you know
where to find me.
Sure do!
Alright, I'll see you soon.
I'm... Corey.
- She's pretty.
- Yeah, she was.
What's her name?
Ask me a question I
can answer.
Um, your name?
So, you bag that
poetic Paisano yet?
Who, Pete? No. I...
He wouldn't be interested
in me, not really.
Are you kidding me?
I saw the way he
looked at you.
Yeah, and you also saw what
happened with Jon!
How do I know this
guy's even gay?
He's on Grindr!
He's gay enough.
Get on that thing and grind!
So, the divorce is
finally taken care of.
So how are you doing with the,
um... boyfriend?
I'm surpised I can even walk.
What?
I pulled a hamstring.
We went hiking.
How, um... how is he?
What do you mean?
What do I mean? I mean...
I mean, how is he
with... all of this.
Oh, well - he's the best
I've ever had.
He is like... one of
those army knives.
Of sexual positions.
I meant more feelings, but...
I literally had no idea some
of these sexual positions
Even existed.
The Tokyo Swirl.
The Slap Chop!
God, that was a scary one!
The Bird of Paradise.
One-Legged King Pigeon.
From the side!
I... I don't need to...
Downward-Facing Dong.
One time, we even did
it on my desk.
Desk?
I know, right?
I'm starting to get a little
bit of a migraine.
[Text message tone]
Ooh, I think that's him!
Speak of the devil.
Oh, he wants tacos.
[Text message tone]
No, wait - hot dogs!
He can never decide!
Yeah, listen -
I am going to be really
booked-up
For the next few weeks.
There's a... conference.
So my colleague is going to
fill in for me.
All you have to do
is call her.
Her number's right here.
And she's going to take
great care of you.
Well, I'll try.
But after being with you,
Anybody else is a pretty
poor substitute.
Looks like your
ball's hurting.
You don't know the half of it.
Ahh!
Woah, collision!
Oh, the humanity!
Man, I did not expect
to see you here.
Yeah, obviously.
I sent your goodies
flying everywhere.
So sorry - wow, this is a
lot of pretzels!
204 - not that I've counted.
Two hundred and...?
Four.
Each time, every time.
If there's less than that,
I take them back.
What if there's more?
Just hold tight - I'll
grab another bag.
I'll be right back.
I just lost count - what
number am I on?
78.
112.
Down the hatch, 78!
[Grindr message tones]
Popular!
Yeah, you know me, Mr. Love.
It's probably just my sister
punking me again.
I've actually met a lot of
cool people on that.
Mainly I just use it to
connect with friends,
And people I care about.
What about you?
Do you hook up often?
Me? Uh, me?
You know, like once
or twice a...
- day?
- decade. Day-cade.
- Yeah right!
- What about you?
I guess I'm just a little
bit of a romantic.
I just want to allow
things to happen.
Besides, love can't be
planned, right?
Right? Right! Me too.
Planning, pshh!
I don't even believe in that.
Like for example, my
birthday's coming up
In a few weeks,
I'm super casual about it.
I'm not even going to
celebrate it.
Oh, come on!
You have to celebrate!
Nope.
Well, if it's not too forward,
do you want to do
Something together?
Please tell me you don't
have a puppet.
- What?
- Or a twin.
I'm an only child, and puppets
kind of give me the creeps.
Me too... now.
You're sure you're really gay?
I checked... really
thoroughly.
See, you're funny, too!
Why aren't you married,
or taken,
Or being ravaged by 100
guys a night?
I doubt I could keep up with
100, but I don't know.
The first day or two
would be fun!
- But after that...
- Shut up.
- You want the truth?
- Yeah.
I just really
haven't had time.
My uncle requires a
lot of care.
Relationships can
just be so...
- complicated.
- Oh yeah.
I'll give you a dollar if you
can catch this in your mouth.
Bring it on!
Ahh, no!
So, Bill was pouring the rum,
And I said to him,
"Well yes, I would like a
little Captain in me."
So he rolled me over, bent me
over that big space chair,
And we went at it -
warp speed ahead!
Completely out of the blue?
Completely out of the blue.
Some of the best times
I've ever had
Are completely out
of the blue.
You've got to roll
with the changes.
Leap before you
look sometimes!
Bone a spaceman or two!
So, what's my penance?
Millie, we've been over this.
You know I'm not a priest.
Besides, there's no crime in
giving yourself over
To the love of... a starship
captain... commander.
All of them!
That's a relief.
You should hear what I did to
Dr. Spork!
Wow!
All this for lunch?
My cleaning lady's a klepto.
Sure you're not just
addicted to work?
Hey, I'll do the analyzing
around here, mister!
- Where are we going?
- That's a surprise.
I'm not super-big on surpises.
You're going to like this one.
Wow... so this is lunch?
It's no fancy restaurant,
I know.
But I wanted to share
this with you.
Oh God, It's beautiful!
Epic!
And I cannot stand that word,
but this is truly...
Epic.
It's my refuge.
It makes me feel centered.
No matter what's going on,
Everything's going
to be alright.
I need to feel that.
Look, I know you've been hurt,
and I don't want to...
That was all in the past.
I was with my ex for
a long time.
I knew it was over
before he did.
When a man loves you, it's
right there in his eyes.
When he looks at you,
You can tell you're like
breathing to him.
Hey, let's chow down!
I've got some great
food for us.
* * *
So...
Yeah.
I should probably get going.
Yeah.
I might want to be too...
* * *
A three-layer birthday
ice cream cake
That says, "Happy
Birthday Corey."
Big old letters!
No, no, that's "Corey,"
with an E-Y.
Okay, Friday? That's perfect,
Yes, I'm sure Corey's going to
be very surprised.
Look at you, the hot
mess express!
Yep!
I'm so proud of you!
You've come so far from the
tight-ass lunatic
I grew up with.
I'm pretty much
Mr. Adventure now.
Don't get hung up on labels.
Friendship, love, or...
whatever.
Excellent!
Which reminds me...
I want to talk to you about
the birthday schedule.
I need you to be out of the
house midnight
The night before,
So I can get my birthday
kiss from Pete.
The following day...
Yeah, I'll read it over.
Please initial
where the Xs are.
- Freak!
- I was kidding!
I doubt it.
I emailed you a copy.
See you next week!
Corey!
Hi, do you have a minute?
Hi Melissa - no, I'm
on my way out.
It'll just take five minutes.
I didn't have anyone
else to turn to,
And you're the only one that
would understand.
Come on in.
I'm sorry to corner you
like this, it's just
I called that
referral you gave me!
And she wouldn't understand!
It's my boyfriend.
I think...
He's cheating.
This is the, uh...
bisexual guy?
- "Flexi."
- Really? Still?
That's okay.
Why do you think he's
being unfaithful?
Um, I don't know if
unfaithful is the word.
Um, I don't know exactly
HOW TO PUT IT INTO WORDS!
- I just...
- Okay, slow down.
Take it easy.
Tell me what he did.
We've been arguing, and he
keeps making these excuses
To not be with me.
He just looks at me
differently.
Jon!
What?
How did you know I was here?
I... I saw your minivan.
I'm sorry about earlier.
Can we talk?
Well... yeah!
Corey, thank you, so much.
I didn't mean to take
advantage of you,
I appreciate you listening.
I really appreciate
our friendship.
- Who died?
- I'll take a shot of whiskey.
Why will no one just
order coffee?
I've tried your coffee.
Speaking of which, I need
to talk to you.
I'm like, having some
cash flow issues.
Hey! You ready?
It's really important!
Kelse, whatever it is, it can
wait til tonight.
We don't need to rush off.
We can hang loose.
No, we can't, we're
on a schedule.
The movie starts in
a half hour.
So we get there a little late.
What's the big deal?
The tickets are
non-refundable.
You know what?
Fine. Enjoy your movie.
You didn't need to leave
her like that.
She sounds like she
needs to talk to you.
Honeslty, I don't want
to hear about
Anyone else's feelings today.
Isn't that kind of your job?
Yeah, well - I'm
off the clock.
It was nothing like
the preview.
I thought it was pretty good.
You like that highbrow stuff,
I just wanted a chick flick.
Something simple.
No more surprises.
What are you so wound
up today for?
I don't know, okay?
What can I do to
make it better?
Just quit being so
fucking perfect!
I'm not perfect.
I'm far from it.
Oh my God, seriously,
what's wrong with you?
Why do you even like me?
What kind of question is that?
A fair one!
You're a great guy,
with a good heart.
Yeah and I'm really sweet,
and nice,
But you know what, I'm not
some Pepperoni Adonis who...
Wait, is that how you see me?
Trust me, that's how everyone
sees you!
Guys like you...
There's not "guys like me."
There's just me.
I'm real. What am I to you?
Just some empty-headed
underwear model
Who coasts through life on
his pecs and glutes?
I didn't say you coast.
Come on, you're like the
hottest guy I've ever met!
What could even see in me?!
Don't box me into that.
That's not me.
My entire life I've had to
deal with people treating me
Like a piece of meat.
I didn't expect you to do it,
too.
Wow, that sounds really hard.
I'm just going to
call it a night.
Good.
Call me whenever you get
your head together.
Yeah, don't hold your breath.
Lately I find myself walking
through the woods
With a bunch of raw steaks.
Uh-huh.
The mountain lion at the
zoo got a new mate.
I don't know what he
sees in her.
She's just some plain
Jane cougar.
That fleabag doesn't know
what he needs.
Uh-huh.
Once you go lion, you
never stop tryin'.
Sounds good.
Hell yeah it does.
Wait, what?
Huh?
On the house.
Thanks.
So I guess you heard?/
He called to cry about it.
I hung up on him.
I haven't heard him cry that
much since
They stopped making Zima.
You and I still cool?
Slam poet code, dude.
That's what I'm talking about.
How long have you
had this place?
Three years.
I always wanted a place
where freaks, weirdos,
Artists, and queers could come
get amped up on caffeine
And inspiration, and go
take on the world.
There's a lot of you in here.
It's home!
Hell, I slept in the
kitchen the first year.
Health Department finally
kicked me out.
Why?
I did this one babe
on the counter.
Health inspector walked in
Right before I
ground her mocha.
I just hope I can hold on
to this place.
I'm a people person - but
spreadsheets, ugh!
Me too.
Money just gives me headaches!
I like my dollars
like my women:
Too many to count!
So, are you gonna go over to
our place later?
You think he'd want me to?
God yes!
I'm sure he's hanging
by the phone,
Counting the minutes
and the pretzels.
204.
God, he's got you
doing it now, too?
Unfortunately.
He's been planning his
midnight kiss since 1985.
You're right.
I have to get the
birthday kiss right.
Yeah!
No pressure, dude.
Game face!
I gotta get out of here,
gotta get to the pizzeria.
Here - take our house key.
He loves surprises!
Thanks, Kelsey.
I said to Bobby, "Let's try it
missionary style this time."
You know... "heart to heart."
Millie, have you ever heard of
M?nchausen Syndrome?
Heard of it?
Hell, I invented it.
I just wish I had someone
to share it with.
I mean, I wish I had someone
special to share it with,
For free.
You're kind of like a
talk gigolo.
Listen - I've got to go,
it's my big 3-0 tomorrow.
Woo-hoo, the big 3-0!
What is that in gay years, 85?
Hey!
Hey, yeah - those old hard
candies, mentholated ointment,
Adult diapers!
They're all ahead of you!
You know, I remember
when I was 30.
I was so set in my ways, so
sure of everything.
I didn't know about change.
I didn't know how much
fun I could have.
It's about the journey.
The big adventure is
just ahead of you!
Just find someone to share it
with, and you've got it made.
Yeah.
Of course... I do
make things up.
[Doorbell]
Kelsey: I don't need much!
Just a couple thousand to
get me through.
[Knocking]
Kelse, I gotta go.
Kelsey: Call me back!
What are you doing?
I came home.
This place is not your home.
We had plans, remember?
The kiss.
I remember a lot of things.
Like, your girlfriend.
Where is she?
It's - it's not like that.
We have an understanding.
Really?
That's not what she says.
Wait - you're not still
talking to her?
I have to, Jon! You won't.
Jesus, Corey, that's
really unethical.
Yeah?
Tell me a little
something about ethics.
Don't!
I can't help it.
I feel like I can't
breathe without you.
Use your inhaler.
You always forget.
Sometimes you don't
appreciate what you have
Until you lose it.
You! I didn't appreciate
what I had with you!
I didn't realize.
- You do now?
- Yeah.
No matter how scared I was,
No matter how much I
wanted or needed,
I should've never done
anything to hurt you.
I told you not to come back,
unless...
[Moaning]
I have missed this!
That was a mistake.
A mistake?
Are you kidding me?!
This was fucking perfect!
You felt it too, I
know you did.
It wasn't you.
I just need time.
[Car horn]
You should probably get
your clothes and go.
Hey!
I had Jimbo watch the shop, I
didn't want you to miss out
On your birthday...
What the fuck, we didn't
order a pizza!
Wait a minute... the
pizza guy's gay?!
Pete! Don't go!
There is some old lady
outside in a minivan
About to lose her shit!
Oh fuck, my ride's here!
Your ride?!
What did you expect me to do,
walk?
You've got to be
fucking kidding me!
Kelse...
Hello, Jon? Are you here?
I've been waiting for half an
hour, I've been worried...
- Corey?!
- Hi.
What are you doing here?
He lives here.
Alone, from now on.
Jon, Corey - oh my God!
Liss, it's not what
it looks like!
It's exactly what
it looks like!
Corey, have you been
fucking my boyfriend?
Technically, you were
fucking my boyfriend.
- Boyfriend? Really?
- No.
I can't believe this, I can't
believe I trusted you!
- Liss, sweetie...
- I'm talking about him!
- Me? What about him?!
- Oh, thanks.
Wait a minute - he was
upfront with me!
He never tried to be a
saint... Hi.
He just told me that, um...
No! It was you!
I... was trying to
protect you.
Well you should've
tried harder!
No, Kelse, please don't go!
I needed you tonight, but no!
I've been trying to talk to
you for like, a week,
But you're too busy,
just like always.
Wait, Kelse!
Are you happy?
You've totally destroyed
My whole fucking life.
Looks like you did that
fine on your own!
Lissa, wait...
I bought you these!
I might still have
the receipt,
And maybe I can get that back.
- Baby, wait...
- Oh, I am not your baby!
And you are not mine!
No, you...
Can find a ride home.
Where am I supposed to go?
I don't care!
You two are perfect
for each other.
Give me that!
Hey, mom...
* * *
Did you throw up on
the stairs?
It looks like a Banksy.
I go in front of the
licensing board in a week.
It's supposed to be
confidential, but...
What?
Melissa may have mentioned
it to a few people...
Online.
Hello, internet!
Have you seen this man?!
Don't let him fuck
your boyfriend.
Cause you know what?
He might want to FUCK
YOUR BOYFRIEND!
CAUSE HE'S A BOYFRIEND-FUCKER!
That's what he is, he's a
boyfriend-fucker!
So find him before he fucks
your boyfriend!
Wow, that's a happy lady.
52,000 views. Good for you.
Yeah, hating me has
gone viral.
That's what happens when they
catch you ridin' dirty, hoss!
Aw, don't be gross.
Gross? Gross is walking in,
Watching you work your scuzzy
ex like a Shake Weight,
That's gross!
Oh, whatever.
Oh, fuck my life!
What did you end up doing
on yor birthday?
Oh, y'know, shotgunned three
boxes of Chablis
And a case of
Mexican-style Aerosol cheez.
Officially, I still hate you.
Okay.
- But unofficially...
- I'm so sorry.
I know you are. Dumb slut.
Sex with an ex, the dirty
dance of death!
His cock should come with
a warning label:
"Not to be taken internally."
Right up there.
I'm going home to Tehachapi.
Gonna live in a
trailer with mom.
Probably sit out on the porch
and play a banjo.
Contemplate messing
with tourists.
- What about the...
- It's gone, Corey.
The coffee bar's gone.
There's nothing left to do.
I'm going home.
Oh no.
[Phone ringing]
Voicemail: Hey, you've
reached Pete, leave a message.
I know, I know you
probably hate me,
But I want you to know
how sorry I am.
About your uncle, and about...
what I did.
God, if you were here with me,
I would just do...
Hey.
Backflips.
Hi.
I'm...
I'm sorry if I interrupted
your phone call.
Pete, I am so sorry.
Please listen, please listen,
please...
Look, whatever you have to
say, just say it.
I'm sorry I cheated.
I'm sorry for being
so selfish.
I'm sorry about the movie.
I'm sorry about being so
insane about my birthday.
I'm sorry about hogging all
the even-numbered pretzels,
It's not fair when I do that.
I'm sorry about...
For the Kennedy assassination?
"I'm sorry about
global warming."
And skinny jeans?
Yeah. My fault.
"And most of all..."
I'm really sorry
about your uncle.
Yeah, he was a good man.
Look, just forget it.
I understand what happened.
Well, that makes one of us.
We had a good start.
We had a great start.
I just don't think either one
of us were ready.
In these crazy,
stressed-out times, it's...
Hard to really know
what matters.
- I'm leaving town tomorrow.
- What?
I just came her to say
goodbye.
To this place.
To my uncle Sal.
- No, you can't leave!
- I can't?
Give me one good reason why.
- School.
- School's out.
- Poetry reading?
- Kelsey's is closed.
- Pizzeria!
- Corey...
Hey, pizza is the
lifeblood of our community!
The gayborhood will
starve without you!
You don't want that on
your conscience, mister.
- What about the bears?
- The bears?
And the otters...
And the twinks... the
twinks will be fine.
They don't eat.
Think about...
Look, I'm going to go
to Colorado,
And then down to New Mexico,
maybe Texas.
Just, away.
- What does it matter?
- You matter.
You matter to me.
I might be back at the
end of summer.
That is so far away.
- Pete...
- What?
Have a great summer.
[Phone ringing]
Jon, seriously, I do not -
I'm not in the mood!
[Phone ringing]
Jon, dammit, for the
love of God,
I am not going to do the dirty
dance of death with...
Oh. Sorry. Yes?
No, this is Corey, her
brother, may I...
No, she's out of town.
May I ask what this is
in regards to?
Foreclosure auction?
Tomorrow at noon?
Tomorrow at noon!
Bye-bye!
Tomorrow at noon!
Tomorrow at noon!
Well, here's all this crap!
Got a match?
I want to burn it.
Well, there's that positive,
sunshine-y attitude!
You want to save your place,
or not?
Yes, but...
Well then sit back and watch
me work my
Organizational magic.
Or, as I like to call it...
crazy.
This time, "crazy" is going
to save your bacon.
Bacon! I'm hungry,
let's order pizza!
Better make it Chinese.
I don't understand
your system.
The yellow ones are
accounts payable,
And the white ones are
accounts receivable.
These are all yellow!
I ran out of white paper,
okay?!
God, this is crazy, they'll
never go for it.
According to this, you're
not even broke.
When do you send out bills?
I don't like to be a buzzkill,
people pay when they can,
It's totally cool.
Bankruptcy is not cool!
Are you updating your Twitter?
I am making you a
business plan.
I don't have a fucking
business plan!
Well, you do now, missy.
- Bam!
- Blam!
- Hey, what is this?
- Just leave it!
This is today!
This is in an hour!
Your hearing is in an hour!
So is your auction!
Call them to reschedule!
No, it's too late.
I'll go down there and
deal with it after.
AFTERWARDS WILL BE TOO LATE!
Wow! Then I'll learn how
to pour coffee.
Oh God, I'd kill myself if I
had to work with
You every day.
I mean that with love,
sweetie.
Come on!
So, who drove you this time?
My mom?
Funny. Today's the day, huh?
Yeah, this is it, time to
pay the piper.
I'm sorry.
I feel really horrible.
Hey, I'm an adult.
Today's my fault, not yours.
Okay, I absolve you - go forth
and sin some more, my son.
You know if I could do
anything to fix it...
That would be a miracle.
I gotta go, I'm going to be
late for my own hanging.
Kelse, c'mon!
Why am I the damn pack mule?!
So, as you can see
in Schedule C,
The projected revenue stream
in the first six months
Is consistent with growth in
small businesses
In the area, as foot traffic
increases the...
During the late...
seasonally, it's...
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Mm-hm. Yep.
I read all of it's... words.
Words!
There's a lot of words.
Did I do something wrong?
No, no!
It's perfect.
It's anal.
It's loan paperwork, and
banking, and it's just... ugh.
It just makes me want to barf.
But you're a loan officer.
That is what I do!
That is not who I am!
You know who I am?
I'M A DANCER!
[Grindr message tone]
Oh, stop the... you gotta turn
it down, turn it down...
Please, please, how
do you do it?
Oh, that guy.
I know that guy -
that guy came in!
That guy paid off your loan!
WHAT?!
Pete paid off our loan?
Yeah!
He sold his business.
He closed his account.
He paid off your balance.
With so much money.
So much sexy, sexual,
erotic... money.
So what are we...
- I love money.
- Yeah...
Sorry to interrupt - what
are we doing here?
I don't know what
you're doing here.
But I know what
we're doing here.
Dancing. Right? Dancing!
What kind of bank is this?
Oh, shit! I gotta go!
Good luck at the hearing!
I thought he'd never leave!
It's over. They all left.
I need to tell you
how sorry I am.
- I never meant to...
- I withdrew the complaint.
Why?
A friend of ours
told me a story.
What kind of story?
Well, it was a story about
this great guy,
Whose heart was
broken into pieces
By this hot, horny, dumb kid,
Who was just trying to figure
out what he wanted.
How does the story end?
You know, before this whole
situation happened,
I didn't understand how
far you can go
When you lose
someone you love.
Or sometimes... sometimes
not far enough.
Yeah - I see now that you were
Trying to get me to see
other people.
But I didn't!
I didn't do enough.
When my husband left me,
I did not have a friend
in the world.
I don't know what I would have
done without you.
You would've been fine.
No. You helped me
get through it.
You helped me get out,
and try to rebuild my life.
And it cost you.
You know, I just hope that
some day, you find somebody
That helps you go
through things too.
Whether it be a friend,
or a love.
Or whatever.
I gotta go catch him.
Thank you.
Um, okay, so I'll
see you around.
Professionally?
Oh, not a chance in hell.
Good call.
* * *
[Crowd cheering]
Dammit, where is he?!
I think you found him.
My whole life, I have waited,
So long, for the
perfect moment.
The perfect,
cookie-cutter life.
Corey...
If you need to go, go.
Corey...
But all I want to say, is that
when we're together,
Every moment is the
perfect moment.
So...
Where do you want to go first?
Anywhere.
Everywhere.
Right now? Right this second?
KELSEY, I'M RUNNING
AWAY WITH PETE!
And I don't know when I'm
going to be back!
A few weeks, or a
few months...
Or whatever!
Free drinks for all you
faggots!
[Cheering]
Ugh, smells like junior high!
- I love you, sis!
- Love you more!
Where do you want to go first?
Surprise me.
Let's go!
* * *
- Thanks for the ride.
- No, thank you.
For what?
The ride.
- Hey, Kyle!
- Jon! Great to meet you.
I'm gonna have a new daddy!
Did you say something?