Love, etc. (1996) - full transcript

A large fire occurring near Paris.
The warehouses…

… blocked from Rungis to Wissous.

Line 13 from Porte d'Auteuil…

You're a real pain, you know?

For 20 years, I find girls for you,

I do my best to raise the roof,

and you just sit around
giving angry looks.

Like Götterdämmerung's Hagen. If I may…

You may not. You piss me off, Pierre.

I'm fed up.

I'm fed up with hearing you tell people



about how uneasy I am with women.

Slipping the credit card
under the table… We're not 12 anymore.

Do you only invite me so I pay the bill?

If I were a big shot in finance like you,

my best friend were as poor as Herod,

and he brings
the lonely cousin of a hot chick,

I'd think it's an honor to pay the bill.

My poor boy…

You won't last another week
with Alice, you know?

Especially on holiday.

-And at her parents' house!
-You're right.

I think I was a bit too brave.

How's it going, then?

It's funny.



Hysterical.

And above all, very gratifying.

Isn't it a bit pathetic, though?

No, it's fine.

Honestly, honey, I think it's amazing.

It's brave of you to take
your fate into your own hands.

And the end justifies the means.

Yeah, that's exactly right.
You understood it perfectly.

-What's his name?
-He doesn't have one.

I'll keep you updated, I promise.

You know, Benito…

It'd be great if you started drinking.

When I turn 40, I'll be
a cirrhotic wreck drifting in the Seine,

while you'll be a happy little lizard,
full of life, in your medical shoes,

sipping yogurt through a straw,
sitting in a Jacuzzi.

No?

I know… But I'm still thinking.

Yeah, sure, think about it.

See you next time.

Give the cat a kiss,
if you're still able to.

Hi.

I know exactly what to expect.

I'm not particularly proud of myself for

having sex with my downstairs neighbor.

I've always been bad at breaking up.
I usually cling on for too long.

Hey, it's me!

ADAPTED FROM
"TALKING IT OVER", BY JULIAN BARNES

WOMAN, 25, AVERAGE-LOOKING, JOB IN ART

LOOKING FOR MAN
TO GROW OLD WITH, REF. 658/VL

GOT EVERYTHING I NEED TO BE HAPPY,
JUST MISSING THE ESSENTIAL.

LOOKING FOR YOUNG WOMAN, TO HAVE KIDS,
TO SEDUCE ME, WHO'S FUN AND LOVES LIFE

GOT MOM'S BLUE EYES, DAD'S HEIGHT,
ATHLETIC, WORK FOR MINISTRY OF SPORTS

GAINED LOTS OF EXPERIENCE OVER 15 YEARS
OF PARTNERSHIP, I KNOW HOW THINGS WORK

I'M A HUGE ROMANTIC. I WORK IN
MANAGEMENT FOR AN INTERNATIONAL COMPANY

I'M 41. THE AVERAGE LIFE EXPECTANCY
FOR MEN IN FRANCE IS 73 YEARS.

YOUR SEARCH FOR A STRONG, FAITHFUL PARTNER
MATCHES MY NEPHEW'S PERSONALITY

HELLO DEAR ADVERTISER, IGNORE ALL
OTHER RESPONSES AND LET'S MEET

AS FOR MY LEGS, I'M ALRIGHT.
I DO QUITE WELL FOR MY AGE.

I HAVE A YOUNG, PRETTY GIRLFRIEND.
I LIKE HER, BUT WE DON'T LIVE TOGETHER.

I'M CULTURED, EASY-GOING, AND PROUD,
I AM A BELIEVER: ASK AND YOU SHALL RECEIVE

GRAPHOLOGIST SUMMARIZED AS: QUICK-WITTED,
A SHARP MIND, BUT CAN EASILY ADAPT

COULD I BE THE ONE TO SET THE SPARK
FOR MUTUAL ATTRACTION YOU'RE LOOKING FOR?

I HAVE A FREELANCE JOB, WHICH GIVES ME
FREE TIME AND A GREAT SOCIAL LEVEL

SINGLE, 46, NORMALLY-BUILT, 1.81 M TALL,
HONEST, FREE, SMOKER, VERY ATHLETIC

Hello, dear 658/VL.

Your ad in the newspaper
made me want to reply to you.

So, here's my reply.

I might be the man you're looking for.

Faithful, single,
well balanced, a decent physique.

I don't work in the arts,
but I'm interested in art.

I've been working at
a bank exchange desk for six years.

One thing I should
definitely warn you about:

I'm not a great conversationalist.

When I meet people I really like,

I tend to withdraw into myself,
afraid they won't like me,

or they'll think I'm not very interesting.

And of course, it's natural:
they don't find me interesting.

What else should I write?

Should I describe myself
like for a mugshot or a CV?

State my identity?

Place myself on a value scale?
But for which values?

Make a list of my inheritance?

Give a quote from my best friend,
who's obviously biased?

I don't know…

To be more confident,
you must have some to start with.

It's a real shame, because
I do think I'm capable of love

and of accepting the consequences.

See you soon. Benoît.

-Can I get you anything?
-No, I'm waiting for someone.

Where's the toilet?

-Hello.
-Hello.

I'm Marie.

-Are you Benoît?
-Yes.

-Hello.
-Hello.

Sorry, I'll be right back.

-Would you--
-Would you prefer--

Would you prefer to--

Would you prefer to sit down here?

Sure, that's fine.

Why did you send the photo of your friend?

I'm not very photogenic.
I took 25 terrible photos at the booth.

The last photo I looked alright in…

was when I was 11.

-Sorry, I don't understand.
-What?

Why a woman like you would write an ad.

-Because of my age?
-No, it's just that…

It's true, though,
I think it's scandalous.

And really embarrassing, too.

It's a bit like trying
to buy someone in a store.

We're not really trained
for this sort of thing.

But I think, in life…

we should know
how to recognize our limits.

Yes.

We should decide what we really want,

get on with it,

and force ourselves
to avoid feeling regret later.

She smiled at me, then lowered her gaze.

She was shy, and I liked that.

We had another drink, and each went home.

And that was it.

That's it.

I wasn't shy. I was nervous, but not shy.

It's not the same thing.

Benoît was the shy one.
What's important despite everything,

is he did his best.

For himself and for me.
That's very touching.

That's honestly very touching.

I really liked your letter.

Really? I made an effort.

Thank you.

Hello. Sorry for bothering you,
I'm the upstairs neighbor.

I'm out of Mr. Clean.
Could I borrow some from you?

Of course, I'll go get some.
I totally understand.

It's not fun when
you live on the seventh floor!

And on a Sunday.

I remember.
We used to live on the third floor,

the baby couldn't walk yet,
and with heavy shopping bags…

-Thanks. I'll bring it down later.
-No need, it's almost empty.

Okay, then. Have a nice day.

You too!

-Oh, I almost forgot.
-Yes?

Could you tell your husband
I've found someone for my ad?

Sure, that's great.
He'll be happy to hear it.

Yes, I'll give you some food,
just give me two seconds.

Out of the way, Moulfrit.

Hi, Benito, it's Pierre.
Well, you were right.

I was too brave.
I high-tailed it out of there.

Give Moulfrit a kiss. See ya.

It's Alice, message for Pierre.
I hope you found your matches.

We shared your part of the dessert.

My parents have nothing to say to you.

And forget your swimsuit,
it fits my brother perfectly. Bye!

Hello, it's Marie.

I was thinking we could meet up.

Uh, Sunday, if you'd like.

Call me back on my home number. Bye.

Hi, Benoit, it's Blanchard.
Okay for squash on Monday.

Meet you there at 6:00.

I've always been a reasonable person.

I've always wanted to live
with a man I was in love with,

I could respect, and had a crush on.

That's always seemed as hard as getting

a triple match on a slot machine.

Although, I don't think
it concerns anyone else.

I'm an ordinary, simple person.
And I have great memory.

Did he pay you back?

In his own way.

I'd lend him money and
he'd write my philosophy papers.

He'd introduce me to girls.
I was so awkward at that.

Anyway, we've never been
apart since then. It's been 20 years.

I've never had a best friend.
You're lucky.

Yes. Would you like some cheese?

Sure.

Sorry.

Thank you.

You know what I'd have liked?

A big family with lots of cousins,

who always come over
to your house for a visit.

No one would come visit here.

Well, in big families…

the kids aren't that charming,

the adults aren't that interesting,

old, eccentric aunts
get drunk behind in hiding,

and smell like dirty dogs.

Yes.

But they give money
on special occasions, that's nice.

Or a puzzle… Which is not as nice.

That's true.

Benoît? Phone.

Leave it, the machine'll get it.

Hello, Benoît? It's Béné.

Sorry for calling late.
We went on a picnic with the kids.

I got your message. So…

Got a pen and paper? Now, then…

For lamb shoulder,
it's 20 minutes in a hot oven.

Don't forget to add garlic.
Well, not too much, okay?

Then, for mom's potatoes,

you have to push down on each potato slice

with a fork before cooking.
That makes them crunchy.

Oh, God!

I've got terrible hay fever.
Let me know how it goes.

Kisses, bye.

What took you so long?

Shut up! I'd rather not know.

Just to warn you,
Moulfrit threw up on the living room rug.

It's horrible.

Moulfrit, baby, come see daddy.

Moulfrit, you little bastard!

-This time, I'll drown him.
-Fine.

So, latest message from Alice:

"You're a wonderful son of a bitch."

She left your stuff with her concierge.

You can save
your cashmere polo shirt if you scrub it.

There's no point trying
to see her, call her, etc.

-Did you have a nice holiday?
-Not bad at all.

You know that stuffed animal seller?

I should be moving in with him next week.

That's great.

-When did you arrive?
-This afternoon.

Was it nice?

-Good weather, especially yesterday.
-Really?

Benito, do you ever
look up from your shoes?

Yeah.

You don't ask what I was up to?

What were you up to?

I met a woman.

Hold up. What about
her parents? Her First Communion?

Her dad's an English teacher,

ran off with a student when she was 13.

Her mother's British, never remarried.
She's a lexicographer.

Marvelous.

Her name's Marie.

She's 25 years old and restores paintings.

Really? May I know where
you found this Callipyge goddess?

The Irish Pub.

I was with Blanchard, my squash partner.

You know, the guy at the exchange desk.
Big guy with short arms.

I hear ya.

Well, Blanchard's girlfriend
had brought a friend of hers.

-There you have it.
-Have what?

Well, we fell in love.

You and Blanchard?

-At the Irish Pub?
-Yeah.

"If one person is missing,
the whole world seems depopulated."

I give you two months to see
a badly-structured heartache

has no literary value at all.

The art of rhetoric: "Lily is gone."

Thesis, antithesis, synthesis.
The basis for structuralism.

-What should we focus on studying?
-I don't know, figure it out!

-Did you have a nice holiday?
-Yes.

-Good. See you tomorrow.
-See you.

Excuse me, can I talk to you five minutes?

You look tanned, Éléonore.
Courchevel, Avoriaz, Bora-Bora?

Courchevel.

I wanted to talk to you,
I have some big gaps.

In French class, I mean.

Since I need help
to catch up for my exams,

I was hoping you might know someone.

-Do you have a pen?
-Yes.

Sorry. Hi.

40 44 02 42.

I'm moving tomorrow.
I'll think about your problem.

When can I call?
I don't want to bother you.

My life is a desert, Éléonore.

You'll see, we're nothing alike.

I say that because
people are surprised we're friends.

He's a bit unusual.
It's how he expresses himself.

He's traveled everywhere, you know?

He even spent a year in China.

He might even have a son there.

With him, you never know. Even I don't.

Hey, isn't this your car?

Shit, the cakes…

No, it's…

-Should I close it?
-Sure.

Pierre?

No, I'm not there, I'm with friends now.

Sure, I'm a coward, if you want.

What's that?

You want revenge on what?

-You sure this is it?
-Moulfrit's here.

Listen, Alice, I can't talk right now.

I gotta go.

-How are you?
-Hi, big guy.

-This place is incredible.
-You see?

-Hello.
-Hello.

Right, sorry…

Marie, Pierre.

Pierre, Marie.

Thank you.

-Benoît has told me a lot about you.
-Oh, dear God!

I hope he didn't tell you
the sad story of how we met at school.

That sad, loan-shark story.

Yes, he did.

When I think of the avalanche
of garbage we keep in our memories…

Our childhood memories,

results from sports games,
random TV shows…

tips on how to remove
a wine stain from a carpet…

Do sit down.

As for me, I only keep in memory

things I'd be proud to find again.

For example?

"Spiderman, Spiderman!
Does whatever a spider he can.

"Spins a web any size,
Catches thieves like flies.

"Look out! Here comes the Spiderman!

Here comes Spiderman!"

-Pierre, where's the kitchen?
-That way.

That way?

Over there.

So, I hear

you add pigment to colors
faded by the erosion of time?

I restore paintings, yes.

Whose apartment is this?

A stuffed animal seller.

Pierre?

Where are the cups?

Excuse me.

-Where are the cups?
-Calm down, boy.

You look as restless as a rabbit's nose.

-You alright?
-I'm fine.

-Can I help?
-No.

You forgot the milk.

Yes. It's in the fridge.
Can you get water too?

What a disaster.

-Sorry?
-Your socks with those sneakers.

Sorry, Pierre, there's a question
I really want to ask you.

Go ahead.

Do you pluck your eyebrows?

No, I decided to stop.

Actually, I want to let them grow out.
What do you think?

-Honestly, Pierre?
-Yes, please.

Honestly, I don't know.

-I searched for my style for long too.
-Really?

So, you'll stay as you are forever?
It's permanent?

I'm afraid so, yes.

Don't be afraid. Fear is very bad.

And you?
Is your Copernican revolution at hand?

No.

Oh, come now.

I actually thought of going blond.
But I'm hesitating.

Don't change. You're fine as you are.

Is that just to make me happy?

No.

You don't have to believe her.

If you feel
you'd be better as a blond, try it.

So, where's the cake?

He's not as weird as you said.

It's true that today
he was being unusually civil.

I like him.

I find him fun and quite good-looking.

-No?
-Sure.

Does it bother you
if I wear socks with my sneakers?

I think you can wear whatever you want.

Well, that's a reckless thing to say.

I'm feeling pretty reckless.

Or at least, I'm trying to be.

What's the dumbest thing
you've ever done for love?

The dumbest, you say?

Going on a cruise for three weeks,

knowing I get horribly seasick
and scared on boats.

Not bad.

And you?

Without a doubt,

it was running barefoot
in my underwear after an Autobianchi

down Sébastopol Boulevard
at three in the morning.

That's really stupid.

Do you want to wait
for me at the restaurant?

I have to go home to take some Polaramine.

It's because of spring.
Well, pollen, I mean.

I don't want to spend
the whole evening sneezing.

-Sure.
-I'll be right back.

-It'll take two minutes.
-Alright.

They're fully booked?

-Can I come in?
-Sure.

-I have to warn you, I'm not--
-Me neither.

"… cultivated later
with a violent avidity of lust,

then added to, bit by bit,
at the cost of the most sordid avarice."

"Such-and-such a plot
represented months of bread and cheese,

"tireless winters,
summers of scorching toil,

"with no other sustenance
than gulps of water.

"He loved the soil
as if it were a woman who kills,

for whose sake men are slain."

"No spouse, nor child,
nor any human being; but the soil."

A perfect depiction
of the start of naturalism.

The author is a commentator,
while also denouncing--

Pierre, I love you.

I don't think this can work out.

Why not?

Is there someone else in your life?

I'm not good enough for you. Is that it?

"Checking, adjusting, mud flaps, clutch.

"Brakes. Checking brake fluid levels.

"Visual check of brake pads.

"Avoiding water circuit leaks.
Replacing brake fluid.

"Checking interior…

"Avoiding leaks in water circuit."

It's crazy, no one's stopping.

That's not how to stop them.

He's gonna get…

Stop messing around, Pierre.

Where are Marie, Benoît, and Pierre?

Marie, Benoît, and Pierre
are in the sidewalk.

Where are they for the weekend?

They are at the popular beach
of Boulogne on the sea

for the bridge of the Pentecôte.

-Repeat.
-Repeat.

They are at the popular beach of Boulogne.

Repeat!

In front of my beautiful country,
my old England.

-Does the Mickey Club still exist?
-Don't think so.

Nobody cares.

May I remind you,
I was kicked out of it in 1972, so…

-I thought you were amnesiac.
-Generally speaking.

But some memories
are seared into my brain, sweetie.

I've never been to the same place twice.

I'm sure I won't recognize a thing.

So, there you have it.
It was the three of us.

All spring long.
We'd go to flea markets on Sundays,

we'd go to the movies,
hang around in cafe terraces.

We'd just have fun
whenever we felt like it.

And one day we decided,
no matter what happens,

we'd meet by the sea
to celebrate the start of a new century.

Maybe because we knew we'd never get

moments like this again.

It was like
that old song from the fifties.

You know, the one
where everyone's on a bike together.

No, no!

I swear, I don't want to go in.

-It's disgusting.
-The water's great!

Stop it, it's wet!

-Come on!
-It's freezing!

Look, there are mussels in there.

-No, seriously.
-Come on!

Look, the water's freezing.

Stop it! It's disgusting!

-You okay?
-Meh…

What's the matter?

I wanted one like you.

I made a mistake, I wanted chocolate.
I don't like my fruit one.

Oh, right. Well, too late.

Pierre is sulking.

He wanted a chocolate one.

You can take mine, then.
I like the fruit ones.

Cheese!

Gorgonzola!

Blue cheese!

Reblochon!

Here, you take the picture.

Come on!

Saint-Nectaire!

If we leave now,
we could reach Paris by ten p.m.

We could have a bite
at that Italian place.

Or we spend the night here.

We'll get wasted, we'll binge eat,

squander our money at the casino.
At sunrise, we go home

feeling miserable.

After those mussels and your fruit waffle,

I just want some tea and a bed.

Yeah, me too.

I've just experienced something very odd.

I feel I've been outnumbered.

Yet, there are just two of you.
I usually need many more than that.

When people lean over a well and
lose their balance, they usually fall in.

In those situations,
I need lots of sugar, and fast.

What's your name? Where do you live?

Where does that booming laugh come from?

I don't know!

I've always been like this.

But other than that, my name's Catherine.

I'm from Poitiers, but been living
in Suresnes ever since I remarried.

Did you know that since 1973,

the main reason for men
to get a divorce is their wife's adultery?

What does that tell us
about women, huh? Catherine?

I don't know.
I was always the one to ask for divorce.

Did your husbands drink?
Did they beat you?

Did they refrain
from their marital duties?

Were they overall
financially irresponsible?

-Did they play games of chance?
-No.

I didn't play any games.

-Wanna play?
-Definitely not.

Did your father
ever leave the marital home

for a student when you were 13 years old?

You're really something…

Young man, come closer.

Nicolas.

-From Poitiers?
-No, my name's "of Salignac."

My family bought the name.

Right, then… Theory, colon.

I've heard that the psychological scars

resulting from
an act of parental abandonment

will often encourage a young woman
to search for a parental substitute.

In other words, when she grows older,
she'll make love with older men.

That's pathological behavior.

You must have seen it,
old men that attract these girls.

Lecherous glances,
the lingering smell of dry cleaning,

the Riviera tan lines…

It's, it's disgusting, isn't it?

-Not if they're in love.
-Yeah! Maybe they are.

Why is that when
they're abandoned by their daddy,

they end up sleeping
with imitations of their daddy?

"Aha!", shouts the research.
But you're way off the mark!

What the girl wants is to find a dad
who won't abandon her this time!

That's when
my Steatopygian friend makes an entrance.

Sure, Benoît isn't old.
In appearance, at least.

Actually, the only thing that stops him
from joining a seniors club

is that he's only 32 years old.

Marie is clearly aware of this.
She's chosen nothing less than

the youngest of old men
that crossed her path.

MADELEINES FROM ARAGON

We're always visiting grandma.
I'm sick of it!

Me too!

-Hello.
-Hello.

-Hello.
-Hello.

Hello.

Does grandma have any toys?

I TOOK THE PHOTO

Mum, you don't have to do this.

I'm sorry dear,
I want to get my deposit back.

Well, if you get a kick out of it…

Next!

Is that okay? It's not too heavy?

Obviously, it is heavy! What's in here?

I don't know, just stuff.
I'm not good at throwing things away.

What about
the prestige of ceremonial antiquity?

And the golden embossing
on sacred texts? And the grand organs?

What about that, for God's sake?

Watch it!

You're losing your marbles.

We asked you to be our witness.
It's our wedding.

Not yours.

I'm going back up.

I've thought it over.

The children of God should be united.

Witness at city hall.

-It's my final offer.
-Got it?

You look like a precious gem.

So do you.

Everyone! Look at me!

Ready?

Smile.

And here we are now.

Today is the day of my… wedding.

I love Marie.

I'm happy.

Yes, I'm happy.

Things have finally…

turned in my favor.

We are here now, present day.

Get ready!

I got married.

A part of me thought
it would never happen.

One part of me was against this,

another was a bit scared.

But Benoît came into my life, and…

he's a good person. A wonderful person.

And he loves me.

I'm married now.

Shit!

I'm in love with Marie.

I've only just realized I love Marie.

I'm flabbergasted,
disconcerted, absolutely terrified.

I don't what's what anymore, dear God!

I'm afraid I'll blow a fuse.

What could possibly happen now?

Apparently,
I don't talk enough for a girl.

I don't have enough friends.

I'm a bit heartless.

People don't know what I'm thinking.

I'm bad-tempered.

I never take things easy.

I could make an effort
to get myself noticed.

That's true.

That's why I was
in such a hurry to marry you.

I thought, "A woman like that,
don't let her get away."

That many flaws
in such an average-looking body,

is not possible. Someone will steal her.

See? You don't believe me.

No one believes me
when I talk about myself.

I'm scared of disappointing you.
That's what I'm trying to say.

-You look cute here.
-I look terrible in that photo.

This trolley's so annoying!

-Want a hand?
-No, it's fine.

What are you doing here?

-It's nice of you to pick us up.
-Well, what are friends for?

PARKING

AMOUNT TO PAY: 161 FRANCS

Pierre, how long have you been waiting?

Since this morning, eight a.m.

Now, then, where did I park the car?

Well? Is Venice interesting?

Rome! We didn't go to Venice.
Yes, it's magnificent.

-Did you eat well?
-The food there is incredible.

-Lots of nice restaurants with terraces.
-There's nothing there!

Pierre, you can't even remember
what floor you were on?

Shit…

Did you have any fun conversations?
Cause I sure did!

We've tried this way, right?
Are you tanned? I can't really tell.

Pain in the ass…

Can you keep it down?

I have a headache.

The barrier must be stuck
or something's wrong. No one's moving.

What was the hotel like?

The window doesn't go down anymore?

Was it old-fashioned and charming
or full-on modern comfort?

There must be another exit.
It might be worth trying.

We're not moving either way.

We'll just have to wait.

Right, then. Let's wait.

Aren't we cozy here, the three of us?

Safe from the bad weather,
with lots of stuff to talk about.

Our whole lives ahead of us.

-Susanne?
-Yes?

-Do you like children?
-Is Marie pregnant?

No.

To be honest, I wouldn't mind.
On the contrary.

Well… Have you brought it up?

Actually, we've never talked about it.

I'm not really sure I understand children.

It doesn't mean I don't like them,

but I find their behavior contradictory.

-Contradictory?
-Yeah.

They hit their head against the TV,

you think they fractured their skull,
but they don't make a peep.

Two seconds later,
they sit calmly on the sofa,

and scream like they're dying.

They're missing
some perspective, aren't they?

Try it now, let's see.

Great, thank you.

-Well? What was wrong?
-Nothing.

-Want to go eat?
-Sure.

-Something wrong?
-Meh…

What's the matter?

Here's how I see things:

Marie needs to realize she loves me.
Benoît needs to realize it too.

We must live together
until the end of time.

Benoît must still be our best friend.
No one must suffer.

Don't look at me like that.
I'm getting myself into trouble

for the next few weeks,
months, or even years.

Aren't you tired of talking bullshit?

No, I'm fine.

I don't think it'll work.

I don't see why she'd say she loves you.

You won't stop talking about yourself.

You see no further
than the end of your nose.

You're so temperamental.

I did say something to upset you?

Did you add some baby's-breath?

-Did you forget the daisies?
-No, sir, I've added the daisies.

Yellow tulips, check.

Red tulips, black tulips…
It's ready. Can I wrap it now?

No, no wrapping. Just a simple bow.

Alright, then, it's done.

Is this how you spend
all the money I give you?

Who's it for?

Éléonore.

-Éléonore, sexual harassment.
-Hello.

Hello.

Excuse me? What bullshit is this?

You grab the girl,
make sure she's a minor,

pin her against a school hallway,
and rape her.

Then?

A summons, an explanation, a resignation.

How much?

So, that'll be…

-You were fired?
-Exactly.

-When did this happen?
-Before the holidays.

And the girl?

Her dad kicked her out.

Luckily, her aunt's
lending her an apartment.

-It's 654 francs.
-Because of me.

I took care of things,
and spent the night with her.

What?

It's a terrible fiasco.

Dear God, it's hideous
when your body betrays you.

A teeny tiny erection.

I wouldn't get away with
a few croissants, so… Flowers.

Got it?

I can't believe this!
Why didn't you tell me earlier?

I don't get it.

Do you think happiness
makes people indifferent?

Or insensitive? Or dumb?

That's 690.

What's the interest rate this time?

Could I borrow a pen, please?

Well…

Farewell, young folk.

PLEASE RING

Yes?

Pierre? What are you…

Come in, Benoît's just left.

I…

But what is…

Is something wrong, Pierre?
Want to come in? I made coffee.

I love you.

-Sorry?
-I love you.

No way. Is this a joke?

Pierre?

Hey, Salignac!

It's done!

I did it! I did it!

I'm giddy with happiness,
I'm in heaven right now.

I'm scared out of my wits.

Goodbye. See ya.

See ya.

Oh, that?

Pierre gave them to me
when he told me he loves me.

I won them at
the Galaxy two-week sale event.

I felt like decorating with flowers.

On a whim, that's all.

No, that's terrible.

Benoît, I have something…
Benoît, I have something to tell you.

Wait…

Hello, Pierre?

Hello, Pierre, are you out of your mind?

May I remind you, I'm married.
And with your best friend, no less.

No… Yes, that's it.

I'll call him, we'll talk it out.

It was a great joke,
we'll laugh all about it.

The number you have dialed
is no longer in service.

Shit!

My mom bought it in Briançon.

Always beware of local artisans.

I like it.

I'm sure you didn't notice
it has a barometer too.

Here, look.

One guy announces bad weather.

He has an umbrella and coat,
and he's not too happy.

And the other guy is wearing sunglasses.

The two are on a metal bar.
They can't be out together.

So?

Well, when one guy comes out,
the other stays in the dark.

Here.

It's nice, isn't it?

Before I met you, I was the umbrella guy.

Pierre was the guy in sunglasses.
Now, it's changed.

Now, it's my turn to enjoy some sunshine.

We each get our turn.
What can I do about it?

What should I have done?

If I'd wanted to play fair,
I'd have talked to Benoît…

I'd have told him about
Pierre appearing on the doorstep,

and what I did to those flowers.

But I'd also have

to tell him he called me
the next day to ask if I liked them.

And the day after,
to remind me he loves me.

I hid the truth.

I wasn't trying to cheat on Benoît,

but I hid the truth.

-Yes?
-I want to buy you dresses.

Take you shopping.

-When are you free?
-It's not funny!

I love you.

That was my mom.

To translate a word.
She'd call at night, if she could.

You hung up on your mom?

I told her I'd call her back.

It'd be nice to invite Pierre
to spend the holiday weekend with us.

What do you think?

Going somewhere with you, sure.
But as a group…

If you think it would do him
some good, go ahead. I understand.

I'll have a quiet weekend,
got lots of work to do anyway.

You don't get it. It's not
about changing or not changing.

It's not because I got married
that I'm now a handsome god,

and high as a kite.

And all witty and lively, etc.

-How long will you be gone?
-Three days, for a long weekend.

And it would do you some good too.

Pierre?

I just don't get it.

Can you tell me why
you're seeing little 18-year old girls?

It's about time you fell in love.

But I mean real love, with a woman!

But don't mention Éléonore,
that means nothing.

I'm not mentioning her.

The princess gave the frog a kiss.

But I didn't transform
into a prince charming.

That's fine because
the princess loves me the way I am,

as a frog.

Hey, Pierre!

Pierre!
Do you think what I'm saying is dumb?

-Want a souvenir from Jersey?
-No, it's fine.

I'll get you tax-free Gitanes cigarettes.

You mean "import." No, it's fine.

-It doesn't bother me.
-I said it's fine, got it?

Don't go.

I'm begging you.

You okay? Feeling bad?

What?

Feeling seasick?
The boat's swaying much more now.

Why would I feel seasick?

I don't know. You told me one day

you were scared of going on boats
and you get seasick.

Oh, yeah, I remember now.

It wasn't true. I lied, honey.

What?

Well, I had to say something!

That's incredible! You lied to me?

Wait a minute. Your crazy story
about chasing a car was true?

-Well, yeah.
-No way.

Yes.

That's incredible.

-Shit…
-What?

I forgot to get Pierre's cigarettes.
I promised him.

He quit smoking.

At least, I think he did.

Sure, he quit… You coming?

Sorry, I think I left my glasses.

-They're on your head.
-No, not my glasses…

-I'll catch up.
-I can come with you.

It's fine. I can go on my own, you know!

Don't you think you look ridiculous
with that dumb hat?

Are you crazy?!

You're insane!

I'm warning you, I'll tell Benoît.

Is that what you want?

You're nuts!

Want a drink?
Maybe that'll make the waiter come over.

I don't feel so good.

I don't know, it might be
because of the paint thinner.

I've been breathing it in all day.

I think I should head back.

Honestly.

No, come on…

Don't start that again.

I know you're antisocial sometimes,
but suck it up for now, please.

You're married, you have duties now.

Your husband's friends
are your friends too.

If this is not love

Living together like this

It seems to be so much like it
That it's maybe even better

I have a problem
I can feel that I love you

I have a problem
Because I love you too

The words will always be the same

Only we will be the ones who change
When we say them

I have a problem
I'm afraid that I love you

I have a problem
I'm afraid of the same thing

By losing, you also win

And after all
We didn't ask for this to happen

If you're not really love

You at least look like it

When I go away, you come a bit closer

Pierre says he'd like
to see me work at the workshop.

What do you think?

I don't know.
Why, you want to switch jobs?

"To switch", colon.

"to transfer something
over to someone else."

Transitive verb.

It's up to you, honey,
if you want him on your back all day…

I don't know.

Alright for one session. A test trial.

Thank you very much.

Thank you, Marcel.

See you soon.

That was great. As usual!

And now,
it's time for table 36, with Benoît.

"And if you didn't exist"

-Benoît?
-You're up.

-What for?
-They're calling you.

-Don't hide!
-What?

Benoît? Table 36!

-Are you crazy? No!
-Come on.

Come on, entertain me, Benoît.

With pleasure!

We're waiting for you.

I'll be right back, honey.

Come on up! Let's all applaud Benoît!

Come on up, Benoît.

Come here, Benoît.

Well? Do you exist, Benoît?

He does exist!

Isn't that cute?

Go on.

Break a leg…

… Didn't exist

Tell me why should I exist?

To drag along in a world without you

Without hope and without regret

And if you didn't exist

I would try to invent love

Like a painter who sees
From beneath his fingers

The day's colors being born

And wonders about them

And if you didn't exist

Tell me why should I exist?

Passing girls, asleep in my arms

That I would never love

And if you didn't exist

I would only be another dot

In this world, which comes and goes

I would feel so lost

I would need you

I'll never sleep with you.

I don't love you.

I don't want you.

I don't want to finish my life with you…

I'll never leave Benoît.

And if you didn't exist
Tell me why should I exist?

Three o'clock. How does that sound?

Perfect.

I could pretend to be me

But it wouldn't be true…

Who's there?

It's me, Pierre.

Did you have a nice evening?

Terrible. What about you?

So-so.

Could you light me a cigarette?

I don't know what I did with my matches.

Well? How did the evening go?

I have to be near her, get it?

I have to win her over, to deserve her.
But first, I need to be near her.

Change of course.

Simplicity and integrity
will be my offerings to her.

My clown mask can no longer
hide the breaking heart beneath it.

So, why keep it?

In other words,
I'll stop acting like a fool.

Good night, Mireille.

Good night.

Apparently, this word is originally…

I don't know, from Hungary,

meaning "behind."

-Hello.
-Hello.

Right. Rule number one:

you are strictly forbidden from
making any kind of declaration of love.

Rule number two:
no inappropriate gestures allowed.

Rule number three: taboo subjects
include my marriage, Benoît, the future.

Rule number four: no gifts.

-Alright.
-Come in.

Yes, but…

Some paintings must be easier to restore.

Sure. Some pigments are
more sensitive than others.

The red ones, for example.

I often start
with a boring part, like the sky,

then, I have fun
handling the characters' faces.

I feel more pleasure
cleaning up than making touch-ups.

Really? That's surprising.

But to reply to your question earlier,

the more recent the painting,
the harder it is to restore.

Usually, a 17th-century painting
is easier to restore

than a 19th-century one.

How do you know you're done?

That it's exactly
like the original painter's work.

Intuition.

We always go either
a bit too far or not far enough.

You set the limit, then.

You could put it that way.

You're leaving?

I have an appointment.

Some translations for a travel book.

See you tomorrow? Same time?

FEARING PRICE CHANGES

Did he talk about Éléonore?

No. He mostly talked about my job.

He should talk about it with you,
it would make him feel better.

With me, he just jokes around.

Was it okay? It went well?

Yeah.

When he wants to be annoying…

No, it was fine.

The CAC 40 has increased by 2.74%.

You know what, my dear angel?
It's his problem.

Even here?

-That's not possible.
-No, I swear.

Stop!

You didn't set the answering machine?

-I don't know…
-I'll go.

Hello?

Hello?

This is seriously getting annoying!

Hello?

The Éléonore story isn't true, is it?

What's not true?

That she lives around here
and you go visit her.

No, it's not true.

Obviously.

Rule number five:

if you call the house again,
you can never come back here.

-Hello.
-Here you go, angel.

Thanks.

I deeply regret that
this has happened to Benoît.

I've probably lost a friend.

My best friend.

But what choice do I have?

Blame the one who
created the universe, but not me.

Get out.

Get out, please!

I don't love you or adore you,

don't want to be with you, or marry you,

don't want to hear you speak
'til the end of time.

What's that photo of me
I found when moving your stuff?

Why did you keep a photo of me?

Benoît gave it to me.

Why?

That was before we met.

Why would Benoît give you
my photo before we'd met?

Because he doesn't think he's photogenic.

He pretended to be me.

Is that it?

Sorry, where were we?

How much can you loan me?
Five, six? I won't go any higher.

At the moment,
we grant loans at seven percent.

We can offer from three to five years.

If the guy hadn't declared bankruptcy,
in the middle of restocking…

I should be grateful.

Leave a message after the beep, thank you.

Yes?

I love you.

Marie?

What? What do you want?

You want to make love? Is that it?

See you tomorrow at three.

My wife is cheating on me.

She's cheating on me with my best friend.

It's not possible.

I can't take it anymore, Pierre.
We have to make love.

I love you, I want to be
with you, I want to marry you.

I'm begging you, come here.
I want you so badly.

No, I want all of you,
not just part of you.

I want the whole package,
not just an affair.

So, what do we do?

Affairs are like… How should I say this?

It's like buying
a timeshare apartment in Marbella.

Marbella is charming, really.

There's a square with orange trees.
People pick oranges there.

In February, I think.

But you have to go off-season.

His name is Copito de Nieve,
he's the world's only albino gorilla,

despite fathering 22 offspring.

Hello.

Hello.

Copito de Nieve has been
feeling depressed and grumpy.

It was revealed that
he wasn't sick, just a bit too old.

His age is now
the equivalent of 80 human years.

Time for the weather
with Florence Klein. More clouds?

That's right, the anticyclone's here.
I know what you're about to ask.

It's here, but
it's letting some disturbance through.

We've accumulated
quite a lot of humidity lately.

Have a look at tomorrow afternoon…

Hello, Mireille.

Nice hairstyle.

So I've heard.

We have some mist settling

over the north
of Île-de-France and Normandy.

In the south, however,
there's lots of sunshine!

Me too.

-Hello.
-You alright?

Yeah. And you?

I'm fine.

Shit!

Well?

Smells nice.

No, it doesn't, it's completely ruined.

The prunes got stuck, they're all burnt.

And I forgot to buy onions,
so it's got no flavor.

What am I to do with you?

We should invite Pierre
for dinner tomorrow night.

It's been a while.

-Are we going to the movies or not?
-Yeah, sure.

You okay?

No.

For tonight, do the rules still apply,

or can I bring a bottle?

I don't know. You decide.

-Pierre?
-Yes?

No, nothing.

Yes?

-This isn't funny.
-Hello? Hello, honey?

I tried to call Pierre
but the line's busy.

Just to ask if he's
picking me up on his bike or not.

You alright?

Should I bring something to drink,
or do we have what we need?

Up to you.

Okay. See you later.

Come on in, man.

You smoke now?

Well spotted.

Marie isn't here?

Yes, she is.

She's getting ready.

-Well, what do you think?
-Sorry?

What do you think of that?

I don't think rhyming
"ay" with "ay, ay, ay"

is really all that satisfying, but well…

I swear,
you could write a thesis about it.

Yesterday, for example,
the ex-wife of a client came to see me.

Her husband declared
bankruptcy a year ago.

He owns a small business.
So… She came in to see me.

She finally reveals to me
she wants her dumb husband back.

She's willing to pay!

That idiot, Blanchard,
waved at me behind her back.

Not so fast!

Leave it, honey. I'll do it.

No, it's fine.

I don't know if I should say this…

After all, it's just us here.

One of the greatest joys of my existence

is in the subway,
on the way home from work.

I watch other people, wondering…

where they're headed.

Suddenly, I realize
what's waiting for me at my stop.

A magnificent woman,

busy in the kitchen,
turning food into a meal.

A welcoming home.

In other words, heaven!

My cooking has scared off
many others before you.

I'd like to know something…

Have I really been
the pathetic moron from the very start?

What?

Have I been the pathetic moron
from the very start?

-The start of what?
-Of all this!

Pierre, can you stop being a smart-ass?
I'm not feeling great.

-I have nothing to say.
-Come on…

Like, at the wedding. How was I?

Not bad.

See? That's the problem.
You didn't look close enough.

"Not bad"? Is that it?

Damn it!

I was depending on you
as my witness, so tell my honestly.

I'm quite satisfied.
What more do you want from me?

What about
our little commemorative escapade?

Wasn't I sweet?

And the time I lent you money?
You believed it!

Believed what?

I invited a girl over for dinner tomorrow.

Then, I might make out with her.

I don't know, I haven't decided yet.

Oh, yeah…

The day you must have had
real fun was on the ferry.

"Entertain me, Benoît!"

The day you swallowed that rose petal.

You sure are stoic, Marie.

That karaoke night too.

"And if you didn't exist,
Tell me, why should I exist?"

Where does it happen?

In my bed or yours?

Stop.

Is your hotel nice?

I haven't had an affair with Marie.

At least, not yet.

"Lend me five bucks. Give me your wife…"

No, one thing I was pretty good at…

is in bed. Have you told him?

Stop, Benoît, that's enough!

And the day you picked us up
at Roissy airport… Well done!

You're so handsome
when you're desperate. Right?

Incredibly sexy!

We didn't meet at the pub. Did you know?

Yes.

Did she tell you?

Did you tell him, you bitch?

You two are a great match.

No doubt about it.
You're a great pair, picture-perfect.

Did I ask you to stop the music?

Did I say, "Pierre,
could you please cut the music"?

No! You're in my house!

I forbid you from touching my stuff!
Capito?

Did you ask me,
before giving her my photo?

No.

Honestly, why should I have bothered?

You catch more flies
with honey than vinegar.

Are you mad at me, honey?

In the end, yes,

you really have been
the pathetic moron from day one.

Stop! Stop!

I've felt more alive ever since I met you.

I guess I should go back to being dead.

A NORTHERN BEACH
AT THE EARLY HOURS OF THE NEW CENTURY

This is typical of him.

Half an hour to find some croissants.

Have you noticed what he does?

Maybe you've noticed.
As we walk down the street,

he'll suddenly stop. You don't know why.

He stops to read the notices.

You know, those little notes
stuck on street lamps or gutters.

Missing cat posters…
Or ads for music lessons,

or film screenings of ethnic movies.

I'd always
lose sight of him because of it.

Don't worry, he'll be here.

I'm not worrying,
I don't like waiting for people.

-It doesn't bother you?
-No.

Nothing bothers me, I'm a real cowboy.

You're lucky.

Did you lose some weight?

No, I don't think so.

In my cheeks, maybe?

That's just age.

What about me?

What?

What about me? What do you think?

I don't know.

If you know a person well,
they always have the same face.

No, I lost face long ago.

-Not to me.
-Yes, actually. It was for you.

I don't love you anymore.

I know.

No, you don't.
It only just happened right now.

Good.

You had your face
before you loved me, you know?

Can you pass me the caviar?

-Is this really cheap there?
-I don't know, I'm rich.

You're lucky.

-That's twice now.
-What?

Twice your wife tells me I'm lucky.

She's not my wife, she's yours.

I trust her.
If she says so, it must be true.

I'm going to have a baby.

What?

Why didn't you tell me?

-You could have warned me.
-Me too.

What about the mom?

She's aware of it.

Who is she?

Katia.

We met in Leningrad. She was
a call-girl to pay for her studies.

I met lots of whores back then.

Now…

She's five months pregnant
and I'm over the moon.

-And you?
-We're fine.

No kids, then?

We're hesitating.

To be honest, we're trying, but…

I don't know,
maybe we're not really into it--

Don't exaggerate.
We've been trying for six months.

How long were you trying for?

Almost right away. But you can't compare.

But do you want…

Do you need us to divorce for your baby?

No, no. It's fine for now.

How's the water?

How do you guys feel?

Well, I feel 37. What about you?

Same.

I'll tell you how I feel, then.

It overwhelms me

to be drinking champagne
on the first day of the new century

with the only two men I've ever loved.

There, that's it.

Sorry, I think I drank too much.

Sorry.

Sorry for being so sentimental.