Love at Stake (1987) - full transcript
The mayor and judge of Salem trump up the notorious witch trials in support of their land grab scam. The local clergy pursue justice, while the assistant minister also pursues the town baker, Sara Lee. The action is spiced up by pot-smoking Indians, female New England clam chowder wrestling, and the mischief of a real witch.
[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]
[PEOPLE CHATTERING]
NARRATOR: Long, long ago
in merry old England,
there lived a warm
and friendly,
happy-go-lucky people
who lived life
to its fullest.
Unfortunately, this movie
isn't about them.
This movie is about
another group of people.
A people so stern,
so self-righteous,
so sanctimoniously dour
that they even called
themselves "Puritans."
This is the day of their
departure from England.
A sad, sad day
for one and all.
Anyway, the Puritans
were setting out for
the New World,
where they could
make the rules.
They wanted to build
towns with curfews,
schools with dress codes,
restrooms with pay toilets,
and they decided
to do it in an obscure,
far-off backwoods
colony of England,
a place called
America.
Sara!
Miles!
[ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYING]
[MUSIC STOPS]
Sara!
Miles!
[ROMANTIC MUSIC CONTINUES]
[MUSIC STOPS]
Sara! Miles!
[ROMANTIC MUSIC CONTINUES]
[SARA EXCLAIMING]
Oh, Miles,
I've waited
four long years
for this moment.
Oh, Sara.
Sara, you're even
more beautiful
than I remember.
Oh, we mustn't.
Someone might see us.
So what if they do?
They passed
a city ordinance
while you were gone
that strictly forbids
public display of affection.
A law against kissing?
You're kidding.
No, Miles, I'm not.
No kissing,
no touching,
no looking directly
into the eyes of a member
of the opposite sex,
no bathing.
You can't take a bath?
Not if you're naked.
Well, that's ridiculous!
There's nothing wrong
with the human body.
Especially
the one God gave you.
Miles!
Is that the sort of
talk you learned
in Divinity School?
Well, no, not exactly
at the school.
But in the locker room,
all the guys talk like that.
Oh, oh, you'd
love them, Sara.
Real men of the world,
from Jamestown
and Williamsburg.
All the big cities.
Sara, there's a whole
new world just...
Just filled with
new ideas and new ways
of looking at things.
Do you realize
it's almost the year 1700?
It's time for Salem
to catch up with
the rest of the world.
And I'm here to
make sure it happens.
What do you mean?
You are looking at
the new Assistant Minister
at the Church of Salem.
I wanted
to surprise you.
Oh, Miles,
that's wonderful!
Oh, let's run tell
Aunt Deliverance.
Oh, how about we
celebrate a little first?
[URGING HORSES]
Ooh!
[WHIPPING][MAN SCREAMING]
WOMAN: How can
he do this? No!
[CONTINUES SCREAMING]
No! No!
You gotta have
more snap in your wrist.
[MAN SCREAMING LOUDLY]
How's that?
It's much better.
[SCREAMS]
UPTON: A fiver?
When did it go
up to five?
Well, we did a little
more today, didn't we?
Yeah. It hurt like hell,
but it was worth it.
Uh, well, I don't have
the money on me. I...
I'm good for it, though.
After all, I'm the mayor!
What say we put it
on my bill?
Let's say you pay up,
or I collect from your wife.
My wife... [CHUCKLES]
My wife!
Yes! I have the money!
It's in the
safety deposit box!
You wait here!
I'll get it!
Ow! What the... Oh!
One, two, three,
and four, and five.
[MAN CONTINUES SCREAMING]
Allow me to help you,
Your Honor.
I don't need any help.
Thank you.
But, Your Honor,
the recent weather...
My dear fellow,
I can assure you
that despite my scholarly
and aristocratic countenance,
I am indeed quite capable,
as you can see,
of extricating myself
from a simple
equestrian sedan.
Now piss off!
You fool...
Oh! Great God!
Pull me out!
There's something
biting me in here!
Get a grip on yourself!
[GASPS]
UPTON: Oh, no!
It's the judge!
Yes, and we can certainly
discuss that re-zoning
variance at the office.
JUDGE JOHN: Help me!
You're back.
Isn't that woman
an adulteress?
Yeah, and a damn
good one, too.
Get inside, you
spineless sensualist!
We're in deep trouble!
I've just come from
our bank in Boston.
We are on the verge
of losing everything.
Why are you always
so negative?
Now you listen to me,
you certified twit!
Thousands of settlers
are pouring into
these colonies.
Salem is becoming
a real estate goldmine.
We could've already
owned everything
if it wasn't for you.
Me? What did I do?
When the bank gave us
all that money,
it was to buy land,
not finance one of
your stupid schemes!
It was a good idea.
Animal chastity belts?
Well, you certainly
ate your half
of the profits.
You gimlet-eyed ferret!
How could I have
ever let you put
all this in jeopardy?
Puritan Village!
Our American Dream!
Luxurious condos.
Filled with lusty housewives.
Executive-class
office space.
Bustling with
large-breasted secretaries.
And our biggest
moneymaker,
Ye Olde Heritage Mall.
A hangout for
oversexed teenagers!
Shut up, would you?
Shut up, you
hedonistic degenerate!
Now you get your mind
out of the gutter,
and help me figure out
a way to get the people
in this town
to give up their land.
Oh, Daddy, Daddy!
[SPEAKING WITH IMPEDIMENT]
I just had a fight with
that horrible girl
across the street!
She pulled my hair
right out of my head!
What girl?
The witch girl
across the street.
Witch girl?
Is the girl
really a witch?
No, no, no, no.
She means "rich girl."
She has trouble
with her "R's."
Witch, witch,
dirty witch.
Oh, Belinda,
be careful what
you say, child.
After all, if the girl
really were a witch,
well, we'd have to
burn her at the stake
and confiscate
her family's land.
Now, we wouldn't want...
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute!
That's it!
I've got it!
What?
If we were to harness
the power of steam
into some kind
of piston engine,
why, we could then
power huge vessels
across the ocean
without the use of sails!
What?
Oh!
Sorry, I was thinking
of something else.
What I meant
to say was this,
if we were to accuse
the people in...
Belinda, sweetheart,
why don't you
run along?
No, I don't wanna!
Belinda!
Uh, please.
She's my daughter.
I'll deal with this.
Belinda, hold this.
[GAGGING]
Get out of here.
Get out!
Now go!
[WHINING]
Your wretched little
toad of a daughter,
no offense...None taken.
...has given me
an inspiration.
My friend,
we are going to stir up
a witch frenzy.
Accuse innocent
people of consorting
with the devil,
give them a quick
mock trial,
mercilessly burn
them at the stake,
and then... Then,
confiscate all their land.
Is that legal?
Yes.
[PLAYING CLASSICAL MUSIC]
♪ A pussy's
a man's best friend
♪ You can never
count on a man
♪ A pussy's
a man's best friend, love
♪ What a comfort
to have one in hand
♪ My sweet little pussy
♪ My sweet little pussy
♪ Just give me my pussy
to pat ♪
Oh, thank you.
It was just something
that came to me
in bed this morning.
Aunt Deliverance,
look who's here.
It's Miles, back
from Divinity School.
Oh, how do you do?
Are you new to Salem?
Aunt Deliverance,
you've known Miles
since he was a child.
Oh, of course.
Go along with her.
Act like we
know each other.
MILES: But we do.
Why don't I fix us
a nice pot of tea?
In the meantime,
you and Miles can
catch up on old times.
What old times?
So, Aunt Deliverance,
how've you been?
Oh, I'm glad you asked.
I had the most
wonderful enema
this morning.
At first I thought
nothing was happening,
and then a low
rumble started.
Anyway, I felt this
whooshing, and then...
Uh, excuse me,
Aunt Deliverance.
I'm gonna see if Sara
might need my help
in the kitchen.
Sara, what are you doing?
We were out of kindling.
I didn't want to
bother you.
Oh, Sara, step aside.
You could get hurt.
Oh, Miles.
[GRUNTING]
[GROANS]
[GROANING]
Ow!
[HORSE SCREECHES TO A HALT]
I beg your pardon.
Oh, yes.
I wonder if you
could help me.
My horse seems to
have thrown a shoe.
Oh, well, to tell you the
truth, I don't know much
about shoeing a horse.
Oh, neither do I.
I just love the feel
of riding a large
brute of an animal,
its power surging
between my legs,
its rippling flesh
straining to
my every command.
[HORSE NEIGHING]
Yeah.
By the way,
I'm Miles Campbell.
And I, sir,
am Faith Stewart.
Oh. Oops!
How clumsy.
Allow me.
Um, it seems to have
gotten stuck under
your, uh...
Oh, here, let me help.
Uh, yeah,
I have to get back to...
I've got to get
back to my wood.
I've still got a lot
of chopping to do.
Looks like you've made
quite a bit of progress
to me.
I...
[GROANING]
Sara, Sara,
are you all right?
Oh, I think so.
One minute I was awake,
and the next minute I...
Miles!
Did you do all that?
No.
[THUDS]
And I don't know
who did.
[CRYING]
Was that really
necessary, Mummy?
Child's play is
the devil's workshop.
[CHATTERING]
The game begins.
Just the man we need,
Parson Babcock.
Oh, his mother
is with him.
I'm getting out of here. Stay right here.
Parson!BABCOCK: Gentlemen.
Good afternoon,
Mother Babcock.
And how are we today?
Half dead.
That's nice.
Parson, I was praying
that you could give us
a few moments of your time.
We have a matter of
weighty importance
to discuss with you.
It concerns
your congregation.
Oh, yes.
Well, l know attendance
has been down of late.
Only three people
last Sunday.
But I do plan
to change all that.
As a matter of fact,
I've invented a new game.
Bingo.
Now, you have these
little cards with
numbers on them...
Cut the crap.
If you've figured out
a way to get more stiffs
into that church,
we want to
hear about it.
Yes. Yes!
We certainly have.
Now, would you like
to discuss it over tea?
Fine. Let's all go
to our house.
Well, but...Push!
Are we almost there?
Yup, just a
few more feet.
Whoa! Careful.
Go on, read it.
MILES: "Madame Dong's
House of Rubbers"?
No, silly,
that's upstairs.
Read the sign below it.
"Sara's Bakeshop!"
Oh, Sara!
Sara, you did it!
Your very own shop.
Oh, just think,
someday people
all over the land
may know Sara Lee
as the one who
makes those delicious
cakes and pies.
[GIGGLES]
Do you think
I should've used
my full name?
What, Sara Lee?
Nah, just Sara's fine.
Oh, you know, Sara,
this is what
America's all about.
Having a dream,
watching it grow.
Oh, Sara, we're so
lucky to be young
and in love,
and in Salem.
Witchcraft is a most
serious charge.
Ah, but sadly
there is much
more proof, Parson.
Isn't that right,
Mr. Mayor?
What?
Why don't you tell
the Parson the eerie tale
concerning your brother.
The brother that had
the strange and
supernatural experience.
I don't have a brother.
[SLAPPING]
My brother had a strange,
supernatural experience.
Uh,
ever since we were
little kids, my brother,
well, he always
hated lima beans.
And this one night,
it was a very scary night,
there was thunder
and lightning
and a full moon!
And my brother,
he ate
three helpings
of lima beans.
I was so scared,
I blacked out!
Yes, well, that is
a frightening story.
But I still think, somehow,
you'll have a difficult time
convincing the
good people of this town
that such evil
dwells among them.
JUDGE JOHN: Really, Parson?
Oh, my,
I didn't want to
have to submit you
to this horror,
but I'm afraid
you give me no choice.
This is
Mrs. Elizabeth Goodbody,
an innocent young woman
who was demonically
transformed into
a piece of granite!
Dear God.
I ask you, Parson,
is this to be
the fate of the people
of our community?
Do you want to
go down in history
as the man who let
Salem turn into a quarry?
Well, uh,
no.
Time is running out,
Parson.
What are we going to do?
So,
you've finally come
to your senses,
come to realize
what I've always known,
that the sons and
daughters of Lucifer
have been allowed
to run free in this town
for much too long!
Now is the time for
the decent, God-fearing
people of this town
to unite and spill
the blood of the wicked!
I say we cut out
their slimy guts
and burn 'em
to a crisp!
NATHANIEL: Faith.
Faith.
Faith!
Your cousin is
speaking to you!
Oh, I'm sorry, Abigail.
What did you say, darling?
I said, I guess you
must find our little
town pretty dull
after your life
in London.
Oh, not really.
Why, just today
I saw something that
got me so excited.
Really?
You know, the way
you've been shaking
that fancy tail of yours
all over town,
it's a wonder you
haven't ended up
in the stocks!
Nathaniel,
Faith is our guest!
NATHANIEL: That
reminds me, missy,
just how much longer
can we expect the pleasure
of your company?
[GASPS] Nathaniel,
may I remind you
Faith is in mourning.
Ha!
I should hope so!
Seven husbands
in two years?
She's jammed more
pork than a Salem
sausage stuffer!
[NATHANIEL LAUGHING]
Well, I do hope
your new room
pleases you, Miles.
Oh, yes, yes, Parson.
It's just perfect.
Good. Mummy
serves breakfast
at 5:00 a.m. sharp.
One egg, hardboiled,
and a glass of water.
You miss it, you don't
eat again till suppertime.
What about lunch? What's lunch?
It's the meal you
eat in the middle
of the day.
That's funny, Mummy's
never mentioned it.
Thank you, Sara.
Well, well, well,
what a happy day
this has turned
out to be.
Miles has returned
triumphant from university,
and our two lovebirds
are together again.
I think a toast
is in order.
Please, allow me.
To Sara,
only the sweetest flower
in all of Salem.
[SPITS] What happened?
I couldn't help myself!
It was like something
had me by the wrist.
MILES: Exactly!
Why, just this very day,
the Mayor and Judge John
were talking about...
Look!
By the window!
A face!
They're gone!
Well, at least you got
a good look at them,
Parson.
[THUNDER RUMBLING]
Dear God!
I've been struck blind!
NEWSBOY: Extra, extra!
Get your papers
here, sir!
Parson Babcock
bewitched, bothered,
and bewildered!
Extra, extra!
Parson Babcock bewitched,
bothered, and bewildered!
[PLAYING HARPSICHORD]
♪ Salem
♪ Salem
♪ I'm so down on my luck
♪ Well, I been blinded
by a witch
♪ And my mama
♪ She's a mean ol' nasty... ♪
[KNOCKING ON WINDOW]
MRS. BABCOCK: Hey! Yes?
Come on, you idiot!
Oh, just one moment,
please.
Get the lead out, lardass!
I'm coming! The church is packed!
We're gonna
make a killing!
[TOLLING]
JUDGE JOHN: This is
working out better
than I dreamed.
The parson going blind?
It's a godsend!
[LAUGHING] He actually
believes it was a witch!
Yes, but what if it was?
Please, don't be
a complete idiot.
We made this
whole thing up, remember?
I'm not stupid,
you know?
There are no such
things as witches.
Look at those fools,
almost praying for us
to take away their homes.
Hello. [BOTH EXCLAIM]
Oh! Hello.
I do beg your pardon
for my sudden brashness,
but I didn't hear
your gentle footsteps
coming upon us.
Yeah, you nearly scared
the shit out of me.
Please forgive my
ill-mannered friend.
He was reared
by savages.
How exciting.
Well, listen, if you're
not doing anything later,
would you like
to drop by my place?
We could have some
lovely, delicious, edible...
Mr. Mayor. [EXCLAIMS] Chocolates!
Would you care
to accompany
your family
to church today?
We've just been
talking about
chocolates.
What a lovely couple.
Exceeded only
by the loveliness
of all of you.
Please.
Mind the puddle.
Thank you.
I'm fine!
I enjoy this!
So good to be here.
Oh, I'm delighted
to see you again.
Parson.
Oh, is that you,
Mrs. Fargate?
[EXCLAIMING]
Pay now, pray later!
Mummy, shouldn't we wait
till after the services
to pass the plate?
This is our
best day ever!
We can't afford
to take any chances!
Good morning, Parson.
What on earth is this?
It's my pussy.
[EXCLAIMS] SARA: Come along,
Aunt Deliverance.
We're holding up the line.
[ORGAN MUSIC PLAYING]
Welcome.
Take it,
pass it down.
Hi, Miles.
Oh, I was just
looking for you.
What, is he next
on your hit list?
Nathaniel,
lower your voice, please!
Why?
Why shouldn't
the whole town know
what kind of
a woman she is?
Nathaniel, you're
embarrassing us.
Me?
I have nothing to be
embarrassed about!
[FARTING]
[ALL EXCLAIMING]
Nathaniel, please!
[STAMMERS]
l can't help myself.
[CONTINUES FARTING]
[RETCHING]
[CONTINUES FARTING]
[HORSES NEIGHING]
[ORGAN MUSIC PLAYING]
[PEOPLE EXCLAIMING]
Good morning.
CONGREGATION: Good Morning.
And what a
beautiful morning
it is, I might add.
First of all, I would
like to thank our
organist, Miss Porter,
for the lovely music.
Ah, thank you.
WOMAN: Drunk again.
Today, I have prepared
a most important sermon.
Oh.
Here, here.
Give it to me.
I'll prompt you.
[WHISPERS]
"Something evil has
come over this town."
Something evil has
come over this town.
"Something so unbelievable..."
Something so unbelievable...
"...that I hesitate
to speak its name."
...that I hesitate...
"To speak its name."
To speak...
"Its name."
Its. Name.
Name.
Get on with it,
you flaming asshole!
Get on with it,
you flaming asshole!
[ALL EXCLAIMING]
He means witchcraft!
[ALL GASPING]
Right now, as I speak,
there are sitting among us
demons from hell!
Posing as your loved ones.
Sisters,
brothers,
fathers,
and mothers.
Here to do
Satan's bidding!
We must root them out
and drive them back
to the fiery pit
from which they came!
You know what that means?
CONGREGATION: Yes!
Give me a B!
ALL: B!
Give me a U!
ALL: U!
Give me an R!
ALL: R!
Give me an N!
ALL: N!
What's that spell?
MAN: Could I
buy a vowel?
MRS. BABCOCK:
What's that spell?
Oh, come on,
give it a shot!
B-U-R-N!
Is it "witch"?
MAN: Yeah!WOMAN 1: Yeah.
No, it's not "witch,"
you idiot!
WOMAN 2: Nice try.
It's "burn!"
ALL: Oh!
And what are we gonna do?
ALL: Burn!
What are we gonna do?
ALL: Burn 'em!
Well, what are you
waiting for?
Get out there and
barbecue the bastards!
[ALL SHOUTING]
Right here!
This is the place!
Get her!
WOMAN: I'm innocent.
No, please! No, no!
Elvira Hutchinson,
you are hereby
ordered to stand
trial for witchcraft!
I'm innocent!
I'm innocent!
Did you say
Elvira Hutchinson?
Yes!
Oh, well, I'm
Constance Van Buren.
Ah.
Oh...
I know that
I speak for everyone
when I offer you
our humblest apologies.
Oh, that's all right.
These things happen.
And perhaps I can
be of service to you.
I know where
the Hutchinson place is!
Follow me!
[CROWD CLAMORING]
CONSTANCE:
I swear she's a witch!
What about the trial?
I'm scared.
What if they're
found innocent?
Oh, no, no, no, no.
Not with you
defending them.
Stand up.
Raise your right hand.
By the power
vested in me,
Judge Samuel John,
I hereby appoint you
public defender.
Public defender?
You can't do that!
I don't know anything
about the law!
[LAUGHING] I know.
You, a public defender.
[BOTH LAUGHING]
And you, a judge.
[JUDGE JOHN SLAPPING]
Ah, Mrs. Ogelthorpe.
Come along, girl,
it isn't every day
my granddaughter
has her 16th birthday.
I really think
you're gonna like what
I did with this cake.
I designed it especially
with you in mind.
Why, it's...
[SCREAMING]
[GASPS]
SARA: And then she screamed,
ran out of the shop,
and got the mayor.
MILES: What did he do?
He asked me if I could
make one for his daughter.
I'm telling you,
it happened, Miles.
And then the whole
shop changed back.
Are you sure you
didn't imagine it?
No, I didn't imagine it!
It really happened!
Oh! It was just awful!
[LAUGHING]
What's so funny?
I was just thinking,
I'd sure like to have seen
old Mrs. Ogelthorpe's face
when she opened up
that cake box
and found that
great, big...
Miles, don't you dare!
Okay, I'm sorry.
Miles, I'm scared.
They're gonna start
putting people
on trial tomorrow,
and I'm afraid something
terrible's gonna happen.
Sara, don't worry.
There are laws
in this colony
that protect people.
Besides, Judge John is
far too smart to be taken in
by all this hysteria.
You think so? Believe me, Sara,
a few years from now,
no one's gonna ever remember
the Salem witch trials.
I hope you're right.
Hey, look.
It's our tree!
Oh, they're still here.
I remember the day
we carved them.
I remember something
else that day.
It was the first time
you ever kissed me.
That's funny,
I don't seem to
remember that.
Was it something like this?
No.
Well, then how about
like this?
Uh-huh.
Sara.
Yes?
Will you have my baby? [GASPS]
[GROANS]
I told you I didn't
like it when you
talk like that.
[IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE]
No, Sara, wait!
I meant after
we were married.
[PANTING]
You will marry me,
won't you, Sara?
Oh, Miles, of course
I'll marry you!
[GROANS]
I'm sorry, Miles,
did I hurt you?
Oh, I don't know
if I'll make a very good
husband after today,
but I'll try.
Nonsense, Miles,
you'll make
a wonderful husband.
And we'll have
a wonderful life
here in America.
And our children will
know what it's like
to taste freedom,
to live in a land
where everyone has the
right to be who they are,
where there is liberty
and justice for all!
Guilty!
I second that.
But you're my lawyer!
What? Oh.
[EXCLAIMS IN DISGUST]
Your Honor, I'd like
to move for an appeal.
Appeal denied!
Well, we gave it
our best shot.
Will the defendant
please rise?
Joshua Tupper,
you have been found
guilty of witchcraft!
However,
since this
is your first offense,
I'm going to be lenient.
[CROWD EXCLAIMING
IN DISAPPOINTMENT]
I hereby order the
accused to be burned
at the stake!
No fine.
No! No!
[SCREAMING]
JUDGE JOHN: Everyone,
sit down!
Deputy! Where's my deputy?
Deputy Fife reporting
for duty, Your Honor.
I'd like some order
in this courtroom.
Well, consider it done!
Well, do it. Practically done.
Do it!
All right, calm down!
Calm down!
The show is over!
O-V-E-R, over!
Quiet!
All right,
you asked for it!
[CAWING]
Nip, nip, nip it
in the bud!
Good thing I had
my bullet.
[PEOPLE SHOUTING]
[SCREAMING]
[WAILING]
Step right up!
Test your strength!
Come on, sir.
Get out here and show
us what you can do.
[SCREAMING]
Hey, that witch-dunking
is great.
Did you try it?
You know, not only
are we making a fortune,
but the people are having
such a good time.
Hello, Mrs. Johnson!
Hello.
[MRS. JOHNSON SCREAMING]
[GAGGING]
How do they bend
her like that?
No idea.
ALL: ♪ Someone's burning,
my Lord
♪ Kumbaya
♪ Someone's burning, my Lord
♪ Kumbaya
♪ Oh, Lord, Kumbaya ♪
MRS. BABCOCK: Where
the hell is everybody?
BABCOCK: Oh, they're
all on holiday.
Tomorrow is Thanksgiving.
So what?
Well, I told you,
we're having it with
the Indians this year,
don't you remember? Indians!
What moron
thought that up?
Well, I did. I'm hoping
to convert a few.
Well, if you do,
maybe we can
throw 'em a few love
beads and get 'em to
fork over Rhode Island.
[LAUGHING]
Oh, pee-yew!
Oh, you rode me
through horse shit!
Sorry, Mummy.
Well, don't just
stand there!
Come on, get me
to the water pump!
Come on, mush! Mush!
[EXCLAIMS IN DISGUST]
The game, my friend,
has finally ended.
The last deed is ours,
and the sweet fragrance
of victory fills the air!
[BOTTLE POPS] [UPTON GROANS]
By this time next week,
our bank in Boston
will have sent us
the money
to begin construction.
God! I feel so good!
I think I'll go out and
have somebody whipped.
No. No,
on second thought,
I'll whip them myself.
I could use the exercise.
I trust I can
leave you alone.
What?
[THUDDING]
Nothing.
[GRUNTS]
Oh. Oh...
Ah...
Sorry, I didn't
hear you come in.
I wanted to surprise you.
Me? Yes, you are the
mayor, aren't you?
Well, yes, as a
matter of fact, I am. Hmm.
I was just down there
on official business.
Ah, yes, well,
I too am here
on official business.
Thank you.
There is someone
I would like to
accuse of witchcraft.
Her name is Sara Lee,
the bakeshop girl.
I believe she's a witch.
[LAUGHS] Well, she
doesn't have any land.
[STAMMERS] I mean,
she's just a poor,
little orphan girl.
You're not trying
to protect her,
are you?
Why, people might
get the wrong idea
and think that
you are a witch.
What?
And you're much
too cute to burn.
[LAUGHING]
Yes, I am. Mmm-hmm.
Burn? Wait a minute!
They can't burn me!
I'm the mayor!
They won't burn me!
I think you'd
better read that.
What?
It says,
"Salem Brick Company."
No, the other side.
[GASPS] "You're next." Me?
Oh, no, [HYPERVENTILATES]
that's not possible!
You've gotta help me!
Please! I'll do
anything you say!
Here, sign this.
Sure.
There.
Oh, you are such
a very brave man!
I am? Oh, yes, you are.
And now, I'd better
get these papers
over to the mob.
Oh, I mean,
the committee.
[LAUGHS]
Kiss, kiss.
Wait.
I'm not doing
anything later.
Mmm, that's right.
[GROWLING]
I think she likes me.
[ALL SHOUTING]
Sara! Sara, just get
a few things together.
We have got to
get out of here!
Miles, what are
you talking about?
I'm not going anywhere.
They are coming
to get you,
don't you understand?
You've been named a witch!
Miles, don't be ridiculous.
Everyone in
this town knows me.
[ALL CONTINUE SHOUTING]
Hold it! Hold it!
I've never hurt a soul.
These people are my friends.
MAN: Sara Lee, you
are hereby ordered to
stand trial for witchcraft!
[CROWD SHOUTING IN AGREEMENT]
Oh, look, look,
you stay here.
I'll try to
talk to them.
People of Salem!
People of Salem!
Listen to me! Listen to me!
I implore you!
Think about what
you're about to do!
Now, has there
ever been anything
about Sara Lee
that was the least
bit suspicious?
[CATS MEOWING]
[ALL GASPING]
Wait, wait, wait,
wait! I know what
you're all thinking.
[STAMMERS] You're
thinking you all saw
a bunch of black cats
just run out
of that house.
[CROWD AGREEING]
Yeah! Yeah, well,
that's Sara Lee.
She's such a kidder.
[CROWD SHOUTING]
Wait a minute!
Wait a minute!
I am a man of God,
a graduate of
Harvard Divinity School.
Don't you think I'd know
a witch if I saw one?
[SCREAMING]
If she's not a witch,
then what do
you call that?
[CROWD PROTESTING]
A miracle?
Miles?
[EXCLAIMS]
Miles, help me.
Let's get her!
[CROWD AGREEING]
[EXCLAIMING]
No!
MAN: There she is!
Get her!
Yeah, come on.
Enjoy it while
it lasts.
Come Thanksgiving...
[EXCLAIMS]
[LAUGHS]
[FARTING]
Just a minute.
I'd like to have
a word with you.
I'm sure Abigail
needs my help
with dinner.
Uh, she's not home.
It's just the two of us.
I'm really not in the
mood for this, Nathaniel.
Oh, who are
you kidding?
You've been after me
since the day you
walked in this front door.
Get out of my way.
Oh, come on!
I've seen the way
you look at me.
Now look, a real
man like me is
kind of hard to resist.
Come on. Come on,
I never met a bird yet
I couldn't have.
Oh, my God.
You're beautiful!
Are you alone
or with someone?
My name's Nathaniel.
I'm an Aries.
Oh, what a tail. Oh!
I demand to see her!
We're engaged!
Have you no heart?
No visitors.
Judge's orders!
That's the last time
I'm telling you!
[BELL RINGING]
8:00 and all's well!
[BOTH ARGUING]
8:00 and all's...
[WOMAN SCREAMING] [GUN FIRES]
...well!
8:00
and all's well!
WOMAN: It's 8:05,
you asshole!
TOWN CRIER: 8:05
and all's well!
[COUNTRY MUSIC PLAYING]
[PEOPLE CHATTERING]
Come on,
don't be gentle!
Use force!
Use the vegetables!
Bruises, I want
to see bruises!
A bottle of champagne,
and make it the
best you got.
[LAUGHS]
Hello, lovey.
Widow Chastity!
I was just thinking
about you.
I'm sure you were.
And I bet you
was thinkin',
"I wish Widow Chastity
were here,
"so I could pay back
all my gambling debts
"and have myself
a little peace of mind."
Uh, well, not
exactly, but, uh...
But you'll get
your money back,
I promise.
[LAUGHS] You said
that the last time.
I did? Oh, yeah, yeah.
Well, I was lying that time.
[BOTH LAUGHING]
It's not nice
to lie to people.
I know.
Someone's feelings
could get hurt.
[GROANING] Okay.
[STAMMERS] Listen,
you'll get the money.
The judge and I,
we got a big
scheme cooked up.
We're gonna make
a lot of money! Ah!
Well, you tell the widow
lady all about it, lovey.
[BOTH ARGUING]
[GROANS]
I swear it's the truth.
I got the deeds
back at my house.
If you like,
we could cut you in.
Oh, well, that's very
nice of you, dear.
[GROANS]
I shall give that
some thought.
[GRUNTING] There go
my piano lessons.
This one's on
the house, lovey.
Oh, thanks.But you make sure
they don't burn me.
Don't worry about it.
The burnings are over.
Sara Lee's the last one.
They're gonna
burn Sara Lee?
Yeah. What's your problem?
What is she, your
daughter or something?
[LAUGHING] JUDGE JOHN: Put me down!
Whoa, look out!
JUDGE JOHN: Did you see
that? Did you see that?
She did it again!
That little blonde
is tough.
Nathaniel, supper's ready!
[TURKEYS GOBBLING]
Nathaniel?
NATHANIEL: I just
want you to know this
isn't a one-night stand.
You know,
I just can't take
this sneaking around.
We've just... We've
just gotta tell her.
We've just
gotta tell her.
[GOBBLES]
We've gotta.
[ALL CHATTERING]
There.
Now everyone will
know who you are.
Ah, honored brothers,
we want you to eat,
drink, and be merry.
And please remember,
everyone here is
your friend.
[SPEAKING NATIVE LANGUAGE]
[CHANTING]
BABCOCK: Everyone,
please be seated.
Let's begin
our special meal.
Before we begin,
please...
Let's give thanks
to our Lord.
In the beginning,
God created the Earth.
[CHANTING IN NATIVE LANGUAGE]
What is he doing?
He's holding up a pipe,
and our damn dinner!
Ah, I think what
our red brother
wants us to do
is to smoke the pipe
of peace with him.
[COUGHS]
[INHALES]
[EXHALES SHARPLY]
Oh, I get it.
What he wants us to
do is to take a puff,
hold the smoke in.
Obviously, it's a symbol
of one's inner strength.
Oh, here, give me that!
I'll show you
inner strength.
[BOTH EXCLAIMING]
Happy Thanksgiving.
Pew! What is this?
Same thing we served
last Thanksgiving.
The very same
thing! [LAUGHING]
Ugh!
[CROWD WHOOPING]
[LOUIE LOUIEPLAYING]
I sure hope
the Parson doesn't
make it rain in here.
[SPEAKING NATIVE LANGUAGE]
I think you're right.
Oh, I gotta get
this food over to Sara.
She's probably starving.
Uh, bye.
So long, Chief.
[SPEAKS NATIVE LANGUAGE]
You just say
when, Chief.
I know how!
[EXCLAIMS]
MILES: Psst! Sara.
Sara, it's me.
Oh, Miles, I'm so
glad to see you.
Oh, Sara,
are you all right?
No. What's the matter?
I'm in jail.
Oh. Well, besides that,
are you all right?
I guess so. Miles,
what am I gonna do?
I don't know.
But there's gotta be
a way here to prove
that you're innocent.
You are innocent,
aren't you?
Of course I am!
I can't explain what
happened at the house,
but I didn't do it!
Please believe me. Oh, Sara,
I believe you.
Things are just not
what they seem to be.
Maybe all the others
were innocent, too.
Well, I'm not gonna rest
until I find out the truth.
No matter how
long it takes.
You've only got 36 hours.
Wow, I better
get going.
Oh, wait a minute.
Here. It's turkey.
Miles? Yes?
I love you.
Oh, I love you,
too, Sara.
Abigail.
There's something
[STAMMERING]
I gotta tell you,
and I can't keep it
from you any longer.
Now, Nathaniel, you
just sit right down here,
and you get
ready to eat,
and we can discuss
it over dinner. [LAUGHS]
Thank you, dear.
You know, there's
a good luck story
attached to this dinner.
You won't believe it,
but this bird was
wearing a diamond ring
when I chopped
its head off.
[SCREAMING]
Nathaniel?
Nathaniel, there's
plenty for everyone.
[CRASHING]
[ABIGAIL CRYING]
BABCOCK: This was
a good man.
He was kind
and generous.
He was loving
and hard-working.
[SOBBING]
Miles, can you come
by the house tonight?
I must see you.
It could save Sara's life.
All right. If it's
that important,
I'll be there.
Shh!
He was our strength.
He was our inspiration.
And we will all
sorely miss our
old dear friend,
Milton Crabtree.
What?
This is
the Baxter funeral!
You know, the degenerate
with the turkey!
[SOBBING]
Uh, may we please have
a moment of silence now
for Nathaniel?
[ABIGAIL BLOWING NOSE]
Thank you.
[ALL EXCLAIMING]
Oh!
[BARKING]
Oh, my God! Help me!
My pussy! My pussy! Oh!
Somebody grab my pussy!
Madam, please!
Don't just stand there!
Somebody grab
that woman's pussy!
Help!
[CAT SHRIEKING]
[EXCLAIMS]
[SCREAMING]
[EXCLAIMS] Get off me!
Stop! Stop! You damn dog,
I'm gonna break your legs!
Stop, I'll kill you!
Oh, no!
[SCREAMING]
Parson. Parson.
Parson, are you hurt?
Miles, I believe
I understand the true
meaning of Easter.
Where is Mummy?
Is she all right?
Well, it's hard to tell.
No one will get close
enough to examine her.
Miles Campbell? Yes.
I must speak
to you. Alone.
[GASPS]
Widow Chastity!
I have certain
inside information
concerning Sara Lee.
Oh, did you
say Sara Lee?
WIDOW CHASTITY: I'm sorry,
this is strictly confidential.
MILES: No, no,
you may speak freely
in front of the parson.
Why, he'd risk
his very life
to save Sara.
Yes. But did
I say that?
I mean, certainly
I'd pray for her,
and I wish her all the
luck in the world...
Parson, please,
we don't have time!
The information
I have could cost us
all our lives.
Now, let's start walking.
We don't want to draw
attention to ourselves.
[WIDOW CHASTITY WHISPERING]
Miles? Oh.
Mayor Upton.
Sara.
What are you
doing here?
As public defender,
it is my duty
to plead your case
at tomorrow's trial.
Now, I'll do everything
in my power
to get you off,
but first I must ask
you to sign this.
But this is
a confession.
What? It's impossible!
"I do hereby confess."
Yes, it is a confession.
These legal matters
are beyond both
of our understanding.
But sometimes
a signed confession
could be instrumental in
proving one's innocence.
Sign.
Mayor Upton, are
you sure you know
what you're doing?
My life depends
on your defense.
Well, of course
I know what I'm doing.
I've done dozens
of these cases.
But you've lost
every one of them.
That's true.
That's true, I have.
But then, odds are,
I have a win coming up!
[CROWD SHOUTING]
Mayor Upton,
I really am innocent.
Oh, yes, yes, I know.
And there isn't a
single person in town
who doubts that.
MAN: Burn the witch!
ALL: Burn her!
Burn her!
[LAUGHS NERVOUSLY]
You said you found
a way to save Sara.
FAITH: Oh, yes.
Please come in.
[DOOR LOCKING]
[HAMMERING NAILS]
I've been waiting for you.
MILES: It's awfully
hot in here.
You mind if I
open a window?
[THUNDER CLAPPING]
[GASPS]
Sara! Sara! Always Sara!
Do you think Sara could
ever look like this?
Well, maybe with a little
makeup and the right clothes?
Enough!
Tonight, I'm going to
make you forget Sara
was ever born.
Come.
Come to me, Miles.
Holy shit!
Come give your love to me.
[PANTING]
Give it to me.
Give it to me.
I demand it.
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
Faith? Is everything
all right?
Oh, yes, Abigail.
Everything is fine.
[LAUGHS NERVOUSLY]
I was just reading
the Bible.
Oh. Well...
Nightie-night. Nightie-night.
FAITH: Come to me, Miles.
Give it to me.
Give it to me.[SHOUTS]
[PANTING]
[WHISPERING]
Oh, Parson. Parson.
[WHISPERING] Miles,
is that you?
I'm so sorry I'm late,
but you don't know
what I've been through.
That's fine.
You'll tell me later.
Miles, what are
you wearing?
It's an apron.
I stole it off
a clothesline.
Good grief, man!
Remind me to
raise your salary.
Well, looks like
everyone's asleep.
Now listen to me.
Priscilla knows
everything.
Priscilla! Shh.
We have her allegiance.
She said she has left
the window open.
Wait a minute.
She knows we're
doing this?
[STAMMERS]
But Priscilla's
the mayor's wife!
Yes, she is.
But she's also the
parson's girlfriend.
Now, please,
help with the window.
Okay.
Miles, look out. [GRUNTS]
[CRASHING]
What was that?
Oh! Get up!
It's nothing!
Go back to sleep!
Okay, where do you
think the study is?
Oh, I think
it's this way.
Parson!
[POTS CLANGING]
Perhaps it's this way.
Quiet! Quiet!
That was definitely something!
What was something?
It's on your foot!
That!
[BOTH GROANING]
Didn't you hear that?
There's someone in this house!
I'm getting my guns!
[WHISPERING]
Now be quiet.
Follow me.
[CLATTERING]
Parson? Yes? [SCREAMS]
Shh.
This is it!
We're going to die!
No. This is it.
It's a scale model of
that Puritan Village,
the one Widow Chastity
told us about.
Oh, good, good. Now all we have to do
is find some proof
to take with us.
Here, hold this.
And stand over here.
I'm gonna
look around.
Maybe I should go for help.
Not yet. I'm sure
there's nobody in there!
Miles, hurry,
somebody's coming!
Oh, I've looked everywhere!
Parson! You found it!
What?
BELINDA: What's going on?
Nyah, nyah, you missed me.
Have some respect
for your elders.
[BELINDA SCREAMS]
That's what happens
when cousins marry.
It seems to be stuck.
What? That's impossible!
Here, let me try.
See, I told you
it was nothing.
Now can we go
back to bed?
[MOCKINGLY]
"Now can we go back to bed?
Now can we go back to bed?"
All rise for
the Honorable Judge John.
Good morning,
Your Honor.
Be seated.
There you go.
This court is
now in session.
I have before me
the charge of witchcraft
in the case of the Colony
of Massachusetts Bay
v. Sara Lee.
[CROWD CHATTERING]
JUDGE JOHN: Sara Lee,
under the laws of
this colony, my dear,
you will be judged
fairly by a jury
of your peers.
Thank you, Your Honor.
[JUDGE JOHN BANGS GAVEL]
[BREATHES DEEPLY]
Does the counsel for the
defense have anything to say?
Yes, Your Honor.
Uh, the defense intends
to prove that my client
is innocent of all charges.
[AUDIENCE PROTESTING]
Does the prosecution
have a statement?
Yes, Your Honor.
The prosecution
intends to prove,
beyond a shadow
of a doubt,
that Sara Lee is
guilty of witchcraft!
[AUDIENCE CHEERS RAUCOUSLY]
[BANGING GAVEL]
Order. Order in the court.
Ladies and gentlemen, please.
Now then, let's begin
with the prosecution.
Call your first witness.
Mother, you today are
just too much for me.
[GRUNTING] God help us.
[GRUNTS] So heavy.
Dear God, do you have the
dog in there with you?
Oh, I can't
let Miles down.
Oh, Mummy,
how could you
let me oversleep?
[NECK CRACKING]Oh, oh, oh.
Wait right here.
Wait right here. [GROANING]
[PANTING] Oh, oh.
I'm coming, Miles.
Don't you worry.
I am coming.
Parson! Parson,
over here!
Order in this court.
Settle down.
Where is she?
Shh!
All right, Mrs. Johnson,
will you continue, please?
Thank you, Your Honor.
[WHISPERS] She's
a witch, all right.[PEOPLE GASPING]
I saw her,
clear as day,
call upon Satan!
[CROWD EXCLAIMING]
And is that woman
in the courtroom now?
She most certainly is!
And would you
point her out for
the court, please?
That's the one!
Burn her! Burn her!
Burn her before
it's too late!
[EXCLAIMS]
[BANGING GAVEL]
Parson, hand me the map.
This is our chance.
Please settle down.
This is a court of
justice, a court of law.
Parson, this is wrapping
paper! Where's the map?
Oh, dear. Oh, no!
I have no idea!
If that wasn't it,
then I don't know.
Ladies and gentlemen,
order, please! Settle down!
This is a court of justice!
Now, I think we've heard
just about enough from
the prosecution.
Ladies and gentlemen
of the jury, do you
have a verdict?
Yes, we have, Your Honor.
But, Your Honor,
you haven't heard
my defense yet.
Yes, and that's
the law!
[CROWD GROANING]
[SCOFFS] Oh, all right,
if you're gonna nit-pick.
All right. Does the
counsel for the defense
have any witnesses
he would like to
call to the stand?
Uh, none that I can
think of, Your Honor.
[WHISPERING]
Oh, uh...
Yes, uh, one.
[CLEARS THROAT] The
defense calls Dr. Joyce
Brothers to the stand.
[CROWD EXCLAIMING]
Raise your right hand.
Do you swear to tell the
truth, the whole truth,
and nothing but the truth,
so help you God?
I do.
I'm a big fan
of yours.
Really? Really.
Thank you so much.
UPTON: So, Dr. Brothers,
is it?
Yes.
And you are
a doctor of what?
A doctor of psychology,
and I know exactly
what the problem is here.
Well, then maybe
you'd like to share it
with the entire court?
All right. What you
have here in Salem
is a case of
mass hysteria,
brought on by repressive
religious doctrines,
which in turn stifle
individual sexual expression.
This repressed sexuality,
coupled with intense
moral guilt,
produces a violent
psychological backlash,
which often takes the
form of homicidal paranoia,
in which innocent victims
are imagined to be tormentors.
In this case, Sara Lee
is the innocent victim
and her accusers
are the real tormentors,
desperately in need
of a good orgasm.
[CHOKES] [CROWD GASPS]
That's a load of shit!
I say we burn
the bitch!
[CROWD CHEERING RAUCOUSLY]
[BANGING GAVEL]
Bailiff, take that
heretic out of here!
We'll burn her later! ALL: Yeah!
Any more witnesses
for the defense?
[CLEARS THROAT]
The defense calls Annabelle
Porter to the stand.
How can you eat
at a time like this?
Oh, well, ever since
you told me about lunch,
I haven't missed a one.
In what way do you
know the defendant?
Well, as most of you know,
I run the local orphanage,
and I met Sara
when she was left
as a foundling
on my doorstep
almost 20 years ago.
All this witch stuff
is pure nonsense.
Why, she spent
the last year
giving her free time
to teaching my girls
singing and dancing.
As a matter of fact,
I've brought three
of her pupils here
to show you what
wonderful progress
she has made.
Your Honor?
Oh, go ahead.
ANNABELLE: Girls.
[PLAYING NOTE]
[FUNKY MUSIC PLAYING]
[GASPS]
♪ Now you might
pray to God, y'all
♪ But I like Lucifer
best of all
♪ Don't keep Satan waiting
♪ Don't keep Satan waiting
♪ Sunday school is
a place for fools
♪ It's hot in hell,
but the Devil's cool
♪ Don't keep Satan waiting
♪ Don't keep Satan waiting
♪ So don't just sit
there, join the club
♪ Sell your soul
to Beelzebub!
♪ No, no, no, no,
don't keep him waiting
♪ Don't keep him waiting
♪ You know he's waiting
♪ Anticipating
the celebrating
♪ Don't be afraid to
come visit Hades
♪ This way to Hell ♪ Get down, get down
♪ This way to Hell ♪ Get way down
♪ This way to Hell ♪ He's underground ♪
Now does the jury
have a verdict?
We have, Your Honor.
WIDOW CHASTITY:
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute!
It's my fault that
she's the way she is.
Bum me in her place.
Why?
Because I'm...
Because I'm...
I'm her mother.
[CROWD GASPING]
Excuse me. Excuse me!
This isn't family court.
I don't give a damn
who you two are.
Do you have a verdict?
JURY FOREMAN:
We have, Your Honor.
Wait a minute!
Wait a minute!
Wait a minute!
No, no,
not another relative!
I have in my hands
the proof that Sara Lee
is innocent,
and that you, Judge John,
and you, Mayor Upton,
are the guilty ones.
[BANGING GAVEL]
You are incredibly
out of order!
Listen to me!
Listen to me!
They have been
burning innocent people
and taking their land.
It's all here in the
map of Puritan Village.
Here, look
for yourselves! [CROWD EXCLAIMING]]
[SCREAMING]
He's a witch!
He's a witch!
[EXCLAIMS]
Burn them!
Burn them!
Burn them!
Burn them both!
[MOUTHING]
Sara Lee.
Miles Campbell.
Prepare to meet
your maker.
Sara, I want
you to know.
I'll always love you, in
this world and in the next.
Oh, Miles, I'll love
you till the day I die.
Light it.
Light it!No!
You're fired! I quit!
Uh, all right.
You, light it!
Me? Why me?
Because I'm bigger
than you are!
Now light it!
[WHIMPERING]
I can't.Light it, you
fool! Light it!
Burn them!
BABCOCK: No!
Listen to me!
Do not do this!
These good people
are innocent!
Get away. No!
By God, I will not
let you do it!
Stop it! Get back.
[GRUNTS]
[CROWD EXCLAIMING]
[EXCLAIMS]
There's your witch!
No shit, Sherlock!
That's right,
I'm a witch!
Of course, if any
of you had any brains,
you'd know who's
behind all of this.
Uh, boys!
You're not going away
without a farewell speech,
are you?
It's time to
tell the truth.
We made the
whole thing about
the witches up
so we could steal
everybody's land!
Shut up! [ALL EXCLAIMING]
Shut up, you...
We were going
to sell you all
down the river
for a profit!
[CROWD EXCLAIMS]
That's right, it
was them all along!
You fools,
you do nothing but
burn innocent people.
What a bunch
of hypocrites!
[CHUCKLING] And as
for you, sweet lips,
it's too bad
we never did get it on.
[FAITH LAUGHING]
I'm sure we would've
had a real fun time.
And now, if you'll
all excuse me,
I've had enough of this
miserable little town.
Adios,pinheads!
I can see! It's a
miracle! I can see!
[CROWD CHEERING]
Samuel, Caleb, Jeremiah,
release them at once!
Parson?
Will you do
us a favor?
Anything, Miles.
Anything.
Marry us.
Now. Here.
Oh, yes, please.
I would be honored.
In the beginning,
God made Adam and Eve.
[CROWD PROTESTING]
Oh, all right,
all right!
By the power
vested in me
I do hereby pronounce
you man and wife.
Kiss the bride.
[CROWD CHEERING]
[RINGING]
Good townspeople,
never forget the lesson
you've learned here today.
Love, brotherly love,
unconditional love
for each other,
without any
judgment whatsoever,
that's what Salem
must stand for
from this moment on.
I agree!
Let's let bygones
be bygones!
It wasn't me, really,
it was the judge!
Kill them!
[CROWD AGREEING]
Well, Parson, it looks
like these people still
have a long way to go.
I'm afraid
so, Miles.
Although I was
hoping that somebody
would have learned a
lesson from all of this.
Ah, well, I've got to
go and find Mummy.
PRISCILLA: Oh, Parson.
Oh, yes.
On second thought,
maybe it's time the old
goat learns to help herself.
[LAUGHS]
Good-bye, children. Good-bye now.
Good-bye, Parson.
Well, now what are
we gonna do?
Miles! We just got married.
Oh, yeah! [LAUGHS]
Come along,
Mrs. Campbell.
[BURNIN' LOVEPLAYING]
[METALLIC CLANK]
[PEOPLE CHATTERING]
NARRATOR: Long, long ago
in merry old England,
there lived a warm
and friendly,
happy-go-lucky people
who lived life
to its fullest.
Unfortunately, this movie
isn't about them.
This movie is about
another group of people.
A people so stern,
so self-righteous,
so sanctimoniously dour
that they even called
themselves "Puritans."
This is the day of their
departure from England.
A sad, sad day
for one and all.
Anyway, the Puritans
were setting out for
the New World,
where they could
make the rules.
They wanted to build
towns with curfews,
schools with dress codes,
restrooms with pay toilets,
and they decided
to do it in an obscure,
far-off backwoods
colony of England,
a place called
America.
Sara!
Miles!
[ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYING]
[MUSIC STOPS]
Sara!
Miles!
[ROMANTIC MUSIC CONTINUES]
[MUSIC STOPS]
Sara! Miles!
[ROMANTIC MUSIC CONTINUES]
[SARA EXCLAIMING]
Oh, Miles,
I've waited
four long years
for this moment.
Oh, Sara.
Sara, you're even
more beautiful
than I remember.
Oh, we mustn't.
Someone might see us.
So what if they do?
They passed
a city ordinance
while you were gone
that strictly forbids
public display of affection.
A law against kissing?
You're kidding.
No, Miles, I'm not.
No kissing,
no touching,
no looking directly
into the eyes of a member
of the opposite sex,
no bathing.
You can't take a bath?
Not if you're naked.
Well, that's ridiculous!
There's nothing wrong
with the human body.
Especially
the one God gave you.
Miles!
Is that the sort of
talk you learned
in Divinity School?
Well, no, not exactly
at the school.
But in the locker room,
all the guys talk like that.
Oh, oh, you'd
love them, Sara.
Real men of the world,
from Jamestown
and Williamsburg.
All the big cities.
Sara, there's a whole
new world just...
Just filled with
new ideas and new ways
of looking at things.
Do you realize
it's almost the year 1700?
It's time for Salem
to catch up with
the rest of the world.
And I'm here to
make sure it happens.
What do you mean?
You are looking at
the new Assistant Minister
at the Church of Salem.
I wanted
to surprise you.
Oh, Miles,
that's wonderful!
Oh, let's run tell
Aunt Deliverance.
Oh, how about we
celebrate a little first?
[URGING HORSES]
Ooh!
[WHIPPING][MAN SCREAMING]
WOMAN: How can
he do this? No!
[CONTINUES SCREAMING]
No! No!
You gotta have
more snap in your wrist.
[MAN SCREAMING LOUDLY]
How's that?
It's much better.
[SCREAMS]
UPTON: A fiver?
When did it go
up to five?
Well, we did a little
more today, didn't we?
Yeah. It hurt like hell,
but it was worth it.
Uh, well, I don't have
the money on me. I...
I'm good for it, though.
After all, I'm the mayor!
What say we put it
on my bill?
Let's say you pay up,
or I collect from your wife.
My wife... [CHUCKLES]
My wife!
Yes! I have the money!
It's in the
safety deposit box!
You wait here!
I'll get it!
Ow! What the... Oh!
One, two, three,
and four, and five.
[MAN CONTINUES SCREAMING]
Allow me to help you,
Your Honor.
I don't need any help.
Thank you.
But, Your Honor,
the recent weather...
My dear fellow,
I can assure you
that despite my scholarly
and aristocratic countenance,
I am indeed quite capable,
as you can see,
of extricating myself
from a simple
equestrian sedan.
Now piss off!
You fool...
Oh! Great God!
Pull me out!
There's something
biting me in here!
Get a grip on yourself!
[GASPS]
UPTON: Oh, no!
It's the judge!
Yes, and we can certainly
discuss that re-zoning
variance at the office.
JUDGE JOHN: Help me!
You're back.
Isn't that woman
an adulteress?
Yeah, and a damn
good one, too.
Get inside, you
spineless sensualist!
We're in deep trouble!
I've just come from
our bank in Boston.
We are on the verge
of losing everything.
Why are you always
so negative?
Now you listen to me,
you certified twit!
Thousands of settlers
are pouring into
these colonies.
Salem is becoming
a real estate goldmine.
We could've already
owned everything
if it wasn't for you.
Me? What did I do?
When the bank gave us
all that money,
it was to buy land,
not finance one of
your stupid schemes!
It was a good idea.
Animal chastity belts?
Well, you certainly
ate your half
of the profits.
You gimlet-eyed ferret!
How could I have
ever let you put
all this in jeopardy?
Puritan Village!
Our American Dream!
Luxurious condos.
Filled with lusty housewives.
Executive-class
office space.
Bustling with
large-breasted secretaries.
And our biggest
moneymaker,
Ye Olde Heritage Mall.
A hangout for
oversexed teenagers!
Shut up, would you?
Shut up, you
hedonistic degenerate!
Now you get your mind
out of the gutter,
and help me figure out
a way to get the people
in this town
to give up their land.
Oh, Daddy, Daddy!
[SPEAKING WITH IMPEDIMENT]
I just had a fight with
that horrible girl
across the street!
She pulled my hair
right out of my head!
What girl?
The witch girl
across the street.
Witch girl?
Is the girl
really a witch?
No, no, no, no.
She means "rich girl."
She has trouble
with her "R's."
Witch, witch,
dirty witch.
Oh, Belinda,
be careful what
you say, child.
After all, if the girl
really were a witch,
well, we'd have to
burn her at the stake
and confiscate
her family's land.
Now, we wouldn't want...
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute!
That's it!
I've got it!
What?
If we were to harness
the power of steam
into some kind
of piston engine,
why, we could then
power huge vessels
across the ocean
without the use of sails!
What?
Oh!
Sorry, I was thinking
of something else.
What I meant
to say was this,
if we were to accuse
the people in...
Belinda, sweetheart,
why don't you
run along?
No, I don't wanna!
Belinda!
Uh, please.
She's my daughter.
I'll deal with this.
Belinda, hold this.
[GAGGING]
Get out of here.
Get out!
Now go!
[WHINING]
Your wretched little
toad of a daughter,
no offense...None taken.
...has given me
an inspiration.
My friend,
we are going to stir up
a witch frenzy.
Accuse innocent
people of consorting
with the devil,
give them a quick
mock trial,
mercilessly burn
them at the stake,
and then... Then,
confiscate all their land.
Is that legal?
Yes.
[PLAYING CLASSICAL MUSIC]
♪ A pussy's
a man's best friend
♪ You can never
count on a man
♪ A pussy's
a man's best friend, love
♪ What a comfort
to have one in hand
♪ My sweet little pussy
♪ My sweet little pussy
♪ Just give me my pussy
to pat ♪
Oh, thank you.
It was just something
that came to me
in bed this morning.
Aunt Deliverance,
look who's here.
It's Miles, back
from Divinity School.
Oh, how do you do?
Are you new to Salem?
Aunt Deliverance,
you've known Miles
since he was a child.
Oh, of course.
Go along with her.
Act like we
know each other.
MILES: But we do.
Why don't I fix us
a nice pot of tea?
In the meantime,
you and Miles can
catch up on old times.
What old times?
So, Aunt Deliverance,
how've you been?
Oh, I'm glad you asked.
I had the most
wonderful enema
this morning.
At first I thought
nothing was happening,
and then a low
rumble started.
Anyway, I felt this
whooshing, and then...
Uh, excuse me,
Aunt Deliverance.
I'm gonna see if Sara
might need my help
in the kitchen.
Sara, what are you doing?
We were out of kindling.
I didn't want to
bother you.
Oh, Sara, step aside.
You could get hurt.
Oh, Miles.
[GRUNTING]
[GROANS]
[GROANING]
Ow!
[HORSE SCREECHES TO A HALT]
I beg your pardon.
Oh, yes.
I wonder if you
could help me.
My horse seems to
have thrown a shoe.
Oh, well, to tell you the
truth, I don't know much
about shoeing a horse.
Oh, neither do I.
I just love the feel
of riding a large
brute of an animal,
its power surging
between my legs,
its rippling flesh
straining to
my every command.
[HORSE NEIGHING]
Yeah.
By the way,
I'm Miles Campbell.
And I, sir,
am Faith Stewart.
Oh. Oops!
How clumsy.
Allow me.
Um, it seems to have
gotten stuck under
your, uh...
Oh, here, let me help.
Uh, yeah,
I have to get back to...
I've got to get
back to my wood.
I've still got a lot
of chopping to do.
Looks like you've made
quite a bit of progress
to me.
I...
[GROANING]
Sara, Sara,
are you all right?
Oh, I think so.
One minute I was awake,
and the next minute I...
Miles!
Did you do all that?
No.
[THUDS]
And I don't know
who did.
[CRYING]
Was that really
necessary, Mummy?
Child's play is
the devil's workshop.
[CHATTERING]
The game begins.
Just the man we need,
Parson Babcock.
Oh, his mother
is with him.
I'm getting out of here. Stay right here.
Parson!BABCOCK: Gentlemen.
Good afternoon,
Mother Babcock.
And how are we today?
Half dead.
That's nice.
Parson, I was praying
that you could give us
a few moments of your time.
We have a matter of
weighty importance
to discuss with you.
It concerns
your congregation.
Oh, yes.
Well, l know attendance
has been down of late.
Only three people
last Sunday.
But I do plan
to change all that.
As a matter of fact,
I've invented a new game.
Bingo.
Now, you have these
little cards with
numbers on them...
Cut the crap.
If you've figured out
a way to get more stiffs
into that church,
we want to
hear about it.
Yes. Yes!
We certainly have.
Now, would you like
to discuss it over tea?
Fine. Let's all go
to our house.
Well, but...Push!
Are we almost there?
Yup, just a
few more feet.
Whoa! Careful.
Go on, read it.
MILES: "Madame Dong's
House of Rubbers"?
No, silly,
that's upstairs.
Read the sign below it.
"Sara's Bakeshop!"
Oh, Sara!
Sara, you did it!
Your very own shop.
Oh, just think,
someday people
all over the land
may know Sara Lee
as the one who
makes those delicious
cakes and pies.
[GIGGLES]
Do you think
I should've used
my full name?
What, Sara Lee?
Nah, just Sara's fine.
Oh, you know, Sara,
this is what
America's all about.
Having a dream,
watching it grow.
Oh, Sara, we're so
lucky to be young
and in love,
and in Salem.
Witchcraft is a most
serious charge.
Ah, but sadly
there is much
more proof, Parson.
Isn't that right,
Mr. Mayor?
What?
Why don't you tell
the Parson the eerie tale
concerning your brother.
The brother that had
the strange and
supernatural experience.
I don't have a brother.
[SLAPPING]
My brother had a strange,
supernatural experience.
Uh,
ever since we were
little kids, my brother,
well, he always
hated lima beans.
And this one night,
it was a very scary night,
there was thunder
and lightning
and a full moon!
And my brother,
he ate
three helpings
of lima beans.
I was so scared,
I blacked out!
Yes, well, that is
a frightening story.
But I still think, somehow,
you'll have a difficult time
convincing the
good people of this town
that such evil
dwells among them.
JUDGE JOHN: Really, Parson?
Oh, my,
I didn't want to
have to submit you
to this horror,
but I'm afraid
you give me no choice.
This is
Mrs. Elizabeth Goodbody,
an innocent young woman
who was demonically
transformed into
a piece of granite!
Dear God.
I ask you, Parson,
is this to be
the fate of the people
of our community?
Do you want to
go down in history
as the man who let
Salem turn into a quarry?
Well, uh,
no.
Time is running out,
Parson.
What are we going to do?
So,
you've finally come
to your senses,
come to realize
what I've always known,
that the sons and
daughters of Lucifer
have been allowed
to run free in this town
for much too long!
Now is the time for
the decent, God-fearing
people of this town
to unite and spill
the blood of the wicked!
I say we cut out
their slimy guts
and burn 'em
to a crisp!
NATHANIEL: Faith.
Faith.
Faith!
Your cousin is
speaking to you!
Oh, I'm sorry, Abigail.
What did you say, darling?
I said, I guess you
must find our little
town pretty dull
after your life
in London.
Oh, not really.
Why, just today
I saw something that
got me so excited.
Really?
You know, the way
you've been shaking
that fancy tail of yours
all over town,
it's a wonder you
haven't ended up
in the stocks!
Nathaniel,
Faith is our guest!
NATHANIEL: That
reminds me, missy,
just how much longer
can we expect the pleasure
of your company?
[GASPS] Nathaniel,
may I remind you
Faith is in mourning.
Ha!
I should hope so!
Seven husbands
in two years?
She's jammed more
pork than a Salem
sausage stuffer!
[NATHANIEL LAUGHING]
Well, I do hope
your new room
pleases you, Miles.
Oh, yes, yes, Parson.
It's just perfect.
Good. Mummy
serves breakfast
at 5:00 a.m. sharp.
One egg, hardboiled,
and a glass of water.
You miss it, you don't
eat again till suppertime.
What about lunch? What's lunch?
It's the meal you
eat in the middle
of the day.
That's funny, Mummy's
never mentioned it.
Thank you, Sara.
Well, well, well,
what a happy day
this has turned
out to be.
Miles has returned
triumphant from university,
and our two lovebirds
are together again.
I think a toast
is in order.
Please, allow me.
To Sara,
only the sweetest flower
in all of Salem.
[SPITS] What happened?
I couldn't help myself!
It was like something
had me by the wrist.
MILES: Exactly!
Why, just this very day,
the Mayor and Judge John
were talking about...
Look!
By the window!
A face!
They're gone!
Well, at least you got
a good look at them,
Parson.
[THUNDER RUMBLING]
Dear God!
I've been struck blind!
NEWSBOY: Extra, extra!
Get your papers
here, sir!
Parson Babcock
bewitched, bothered,
and bewildered!
Extra, extra!
Parson Babcock bewitched,
bothered, and bewildered!
[PLAYING HARPSICHORD]
♪ Salem
♪ Salem
♪ I'm so down on my luck
♪ Well, I been blinded
by a witch
♪ And my mama
♪ She's a mean ol' nasty... ♪
[KNOCKING ON WINDOW]
MRS. BABCOCK: Hey! Yes?
Come on, you idiot!
Oh, just one moment,
please.
Get the lead out, lardass!
I'm coming! The church is packed!
We're gonna
make a killing!
[TOLLING]
JUDGE JOHN: This is
working out better
than I dreamed.
The parson going blind?
It's a godsend!
[LAUGHING] He actually
believes it was a witch!
Yes, but what if it was?
Please, don't be
a complete idiot.
We made this
whole thing up, remember?
I'm not stupid,
you know?
There are no such
things as witches.
Look at those fools,
almost praying for us
to take away their homes.
Hello. [BOTH EXCLAIM]
Oh! Hello.
I do beg your pardon
for my sudden brashness,
but I didn't hear
your gentle footsteps
coming upon us.
Yeah, you nearly scared
the shit out of me.
Please forgive my
ill-mannered friend.
He was reared
by savages.
How exciting.
Well, listen, if you're
not doing anything later,
would you like
to drop by my place?
We could have some
lovely, delicious, edible...
Mr. Mayor. [EXCLAIMS] Chocolates!
Would you care
to accompany
your family
to church today?
We've just been
talking about
chocolates.
What a lovely couple.
Exceeded only
by the loveliness
of all of you.
Please.
Mind the puddle.
Thank you.
I'm fine!
I enjoy this!
So good to be here.
Oh, I'm delighted
to see you again.
Parson.
Oh, is that you,
Mrs. Fargate?
[EXCLAIMING]
Pay now, pray later!
Mummy, shouldn't we wait
till after the services
to pass the plate?
This is our
best day ever!
We can't afford
to take any chances!
Good morning, Parson.
What on earth is this?
It's my pussy.
[EXCLAIMS] SARA: Come along,
Aunt Deliverance.
We're holding up the line.
[ORGAN MUSIC PLAYING]
Welcome.
Take it,
pass it down.
Hi, Miles.
Oh, I was just
looking for you.
What, is he next
on your hit list?
Nathaniel,
lower your voice, please!
Why?
Why shouldn't
the whole town know
what kind of
a woman she is?
Nathaniel, you're
embarrassing us.
Me?
I have nothing to be
embarrassed about!
[FARTING]
[ALL EXCLAIMING]
Nathaniel, please!
[STAMMERS]
l can't help myself.
[CONTINUES FARTING]
[RETCHING]
[CONTINUES FARTING]
[HORSES NEIGHING]
[ORGAN MUSIC PLAYING]
[PEOPLE EXCLAIMING]
Good morning.
CONGREGATION: Good Morning.
And what a
beautiful morning
it is, I might add.
First of all, I would
like to thank our
organist, Miss Porter,
for the lovely music.
Ah, thank you.
WOMAN: Drunk again.
Today, I have prepared
a most important sermon.
Oh.
Here, here.
Give it to me.
I'll prompt you.
[WHISPERS]
"Something evil has
come over this town."
Something evil has
come over this town.
"Something so unbelievable..."
Something so unbelievable...
"...that I hesitate
to speak its name."
...that I hesitate...
"To speak its name."
To speak...
"Its name."
Its. Name.
Name.
Get on with it,
you flaming asshole!
Get on with it,
you flaming asshole!
[ALL EXCLAIMING]
He means witchcraft!
[ALL GASPING]
Right now, as I speak,
there are sitting among us
demons from hell!
Posing as your loved ones.
Sisters,
brothers,
fathers,
and mothers.
Here to do
Satan's bidding!
We must root them out
and drive them back
to the fiery pit
from which they came!
You know what that means?
CONGREGATION: Yes!
Give me a B!
ALL: B!
Give me a U!
ALL: U!
Give me an R!
ALL: R!
Give me an N!
ALL: N!
What's that spell?
MAN: Could I
buy a vowel?
MRS. BABCOCK:
What's that spell?
Oh, come on,
give it a shot!
B-U-R-N!
Is it "witch"?
MAN: Yeah!WOMAN 1: Yeah.
No, it's not "witch,"
you idiot!
WOMAN 2: Nice try.
It's "burn!"
ALL: Oh!
And what are we gonna do?
ALL: Burn!
What are we gonna do?
ALL: Burn 'em!
Well, what are you
waiting for?
Get out there and
barbecue the bastards!
[ALL SHOUTING]
Right here!
This is the place!
Get her!
WOMAN: I'm innocent.
No, please! No, no!
Elvira Hutchinson,
you are hereby
ordered to stand
trial for witchcraft!
I'm innocent!
I'm innocent!
Did you say
Elvira Hutchinson?
Yes!
Oh, well, I'm
Constance Van Buren.
Ah.
Oh...
I know that
I speak for everyone
when I offer you
our humblest apologies.
Oh, that's all right.
These things happen.
And perhaps I can
be of service to you.
I know where
the Hutchinson place is!
Follow me!
[CROWD CLAMORING]
CONSTANCE:
I swear she's a witch!
What about the trial?
I'm scared.
What if they're
found innocent?
Oh, no, no, no, no.
Not with you
defending them.
Stand up.
Raise your right hand.
By the power
vested in me,
Judge Samuel John,
I hereby appoint you
public defender.
Public defender?
You can't do that!
I don't know anything
about the law!
[LAUGHING] I know.
You, a public defender.
[BOTH LAUGHING]
And you, a judge.
[JUDGE JOHN SLAPPING]
Ah, Mrs. Ogelthorpe.
Come along, girl,
it isn't every day
my granddaughter
has her 16th birthday.
I really think
you're gonna like what
I did with this cake.
I designed it especially
with you in mind.
Why, it's...
[SCREAMING]
[GASPS]
SARA: And then she screamed,
ran out of the shop,
and got the mayor.
MILES: What did he do?
He asked me if I could
make one for his daughter.
I'm telling you,
it happened, Miles.
And then the whole
shop changed back.
Are you sure you
didn't imagine it?
No, I didn't imagine it!
It really happened!
Oh! It was just awful!
[LAUGHING]
What's so funny?
I was just thinking,
I'd sure like to have seen
old Mrs. Ogelthorpe's face
when she opened up
that cake box
and found that
great, big...
Miles, don't you dare!
Okay, I'm sorry.
Miles, I'm scared.
They're gonna start
putting people
on trial tomorrow,
and I'm afraid something
terrible's gonna happen.
Sara, don't worry.
There are laws
in this colony
that protect people.
Besides, Judge John is
far too smart to be taken in
by all this hysteria.
You think so? Believe me, Sara,
a few years from now,
no one's gonna ever remember
the Salem witch trials.
I hope you're right.
Hey, look.
It's our tree!
Oh, they're still here.
I remember the day
we carved them.
I remember something
else that day.
It was the first time
you ever kissed me.
That's funny,
I don't seem to
remember that.
Was it something like this?
No.
Well, then how about
like this?
Uh-huh.
Sara.
Yes?
Will you have my baby? [GASPS]
[GROANS]
I told you I didn't
like it when you
talk like that.
[IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE]
No, Sara, wait!
I meant after
we were married.
[PANTING]
You will marry me,
won't you, Sara?
Oh, Miles, of course
I'll marry you!
[GROANS]
I'm sorry, Miles,
did I hurt you?
Oh, I don't know
if I'll make a very good
husband after today,
but I'll try.
Nonsense, Miles,
you'll make
a wonderful husband.
And we'll have
a wonderful life
here in America.
And our children will
know what it's like
to taste freedom,
to live in a land
where everyone has the
right to be who they are,
where there is liberty
and justice for all!
Guilty!
I second that.
But you're my lawyer!
What? Oh.
[EXCLAIMS IN DISGUST]
Your Honor, I'd like
to move for an appeal.
Appeal denied!
Well, we gave it
our best shot.
Will the defendant
please rise?
Joshua Tupper,
you have been found
guilty of witchcraft!
However,
since this
is your first offense,
I'm going to be lenient.
[CROWD EXCLAIMING
IN DISAPPOINTMENT]
I hereby order the
accused to be burned
at the stake!
No fine.
No! No!
[SCREAMING]
JUDGE JOHN: Everyone,
sit down!
Deputy! Where's my deputy?
Deputy Fife reporting
for duty, Your Honor.
I'd like some order
in this courtroom.
Well, consider it done!
Well, do it. Practically done.
Do it!
All right, calm down!
Calm down!
The show is over!
O-V-E-R, over!
Quiet!
All right,
you asked for it!
[CAWING]
Nip, nip, nip it
in the bud!
Good thing I had
my bullet.
[PEOPLE SHOUTING]
[SCREAMING]
[WAILING]
Step right up!
Test your strength!
Come on, sir.
Get out here and show
us what you can do.
[SCREAMING]
Hey, that witch-dunking
is great.
Did you try it?
You know, not only
are we making a fortune,
but the people are having
such a good time.
Hello, Mrs. Johnson!
Hello.
[MRS. JOHNSON SCREAMING]
[GAGGING]
How do they bend
her like that?
No idea.
ALL: ♪ Someone's burning,
my Lord
♪ Kumbaya
♪ Someone's burning, my Lord
♪ Kumbaya
♪ Oh, Lord, Kumbaya ♪
MRS. BABCOCK: Where
the hell is everybody?
BABCOCK: Oh, they're
all on holiday.
Tomorrow is Thanksgiving.
So what?
Well, I told you,
we're having it with
the Indians this year,
don't you remember? Indians!
What moron
thought that up?
Well, I did. I'm hoping
to convert a few.
Well, if you do,
maybe we can
throw 'em a few love
beads and get 'em to
fork over Rhode Island.
[LAUGHING]
Oh, pee-yew!
Oh, you rode me
through horse shit!
Sorry, Mummy.
Well, don't just
stand there!
Come on, get me
to the water pump!
Come on, mush! Mush!
[EXCLAIMS IN DISGUST]
The game, my friend,
has finally ended.
The last deed is ours,
and the sweet fragrance
of victory fills the air!
[BOTTLE POPS] [UPTON GROANS]
By this time next week,
our bank in Boston
will have sent us
the money
to begin construction.
God! I feel so good!
I think I'll go out and
have somebody whipped.
No. No,
on second thought,
I'll whip them myself.
I could use the exercise.
I trust I can
leave you alone.
What?
[THUDDING]
Nothing.
[GRUNTS]
Oh. Oh...
Ah...
Sorry, I didn't
hear you come in.
I wanted to surprise you.
Me? Yes, you are the
mayor, aren't you?
Well, yes, as a
matter of fact, I am. Hmm.
I was just down there
on official business.
Ah, yes, well,
I too am here
on official business.
Thank you.
There is someone
I would like to
accuse of witchcraft.
Her name is Sara Lee,
the bakeshop girl.
I believe she's a witch.
[LAUGHS] Well, she
doesn't have any land.
[STAMMERS] I mean,
she's just a poor,
little orphan girl.
You're not trying
to protect her,
are you?
Why, people might
get the wrong idea
and think that
you are a witch.
What?
And you're much
too cute to burn.
[LAUGHING]
Yes, I am. Mmm-hmm.
Burn? Wait a minute!
They can't burn me!
I'm the mayor!
They won't burn me!
I think you'd
better read that.
What?
It says,
"Salem Brick Company."
No, the other side.
[GASPS] "You're next." Me?
Oh, no, [HYPERVENTILATES]
that's not possible!
You've gotta help me!
Please! I'll do
anything you say!
Here, sign this.
Sure.
There.
Oh, you are such
a very brave man!
I am? Oh, yes, you are.
And now, I'd better
get these papers
over to the mob.
Oh, I mean,
the committee.
[LAUGHS]
Kiss, kiss.
Wait.
I'm not doing
anything later.
Mmm, that's right.
[GROWLING]
I think she likes me.
[ALL SHOUTING]
Sara! Sara, just get
a few things together.
We have got to
get out of here!
Miles, what are
you talking about?
I'm not going anywhere.
They are coming
to get you,
don't you understand?
You've been named a witch!
Miles, don't be ridiculous.
Everyone in
this town knows me.
[ALL CONTINUE SHOUTING]
Hold it! Hold it!
I've never hurt a soul.
These people are my friends.
MAN: Sara Lee, you
are hereby ordered to
stand trial for witchcraft!
[CROWD SHOUTING IN AGREEMENT]
Oh, look, look,
you stay here.
I'll try to
talk to them.
People of Salem!
People of Salem!
Listen to me! Listen to me!
I implore you!
Think about what
you're about to do!
Now, has there
ever been anything
about Sara Lee
that was the least
bit suspicious?
[CATS MEOWING]
[ALL GASPING]
Wait, wait, wait,
wait! I know what
you're all thinking.
[STAMMERS] You're
thinking you all saw
a bunch of black cats
just run out
of that house.
[CROWD AGREEING]
Yeah! Yeah, well,
that's Sara Lee.
She's such a kidder.
[CROWD SHOUTING]
Wait a minute!
Wait a minute!
I am a man of God,
a graduate of
Harvard Divinity School.
Don't you think I'd know
a witch if I saw one?
[SCREAMING]
If she's not a witch,
then what do
you call that?
[CROWD PROTESTING]
A miracle?
Miles?
[EXCLAIMS]
Miles, help me.
Let's get her!
[CROWD AGREEING]
[EXCLAIMING]
No!
MAN: There she is!
Get her!
Yeah, come on.
Enjoy it while
it lasts.
Come Thanksgiving...
[EXCLAIMS]
[LAUGHS]
[FARTING]
Just a minute.
I'd like to have
a word with you.
I'm sure Abigail
needs my help
with dinner.
Uh, she's not home.
It's just the two of us.
I'm really not in the
mood for this, Nathaniel.
Oh, who are
you kidding?
You've been after me
since the day you
walked in this front door.
Get out of my way.
Oh, come on!
I've seen the way
you look at me.
Now look, a real
man like me is
kind of hard to resist.
Come on. Come on,
I never met a bird yet
I couldn't have.
Oh, my God.
You're beautiful!
Are you alone
or with someone?
My name's Nathaniel.
I'm an Aries.
Oh, what a tail. Oh!
I demand to see her!
We're engaged!
Have you no heart?
No visitors.
Judge's orders!
That's the last time
I'm telling you!
[BELL RINGING]
8:00 and all's well!
[BOTH ARGUING]
8:00 and all's...
[WOMAN SCREAMING] [GUN FIRES]
...well!
8:00
and all's well!
WOMAN: It's 8:05,
you asshole!
TOWN CRIER: 8:05
and all's well!
[COUNTRY MUSIC PLAYING]
[PEOPLE CHATTERING]
Come on,
don't be gentle!
Use force!
Use the vegetables!
Bruises, I want
to see bruises!
A bottle of champagne,
and make it the
best you got.
[LAUGHS]
Hello, lovey.
Widow Chastity!
I was just thinking
about you.
I'm sure you were.
And I bet you
was thinkin',
"I wish Widow Chastity
were here,
"so I could pay back
all my gambling debts
"and have myself
a little peace of mind."
Uh, well, not
exactly, but, uh...
But you'll get
your money back,
I promise.
[LAUGHS] You said
that the last time.
I did? Oh, yeah, yeah.
Well, I was lying that time.
[BOTH LAUGHING]
It's not nice
to lie to people.
I know.
Someone's feelings
could get hurt.
[GROANING] Okay.
[STAMMERS] Listen,
you'll get the money.
The judge and I,
we got a big
scheme cooked up.
We're gonna make
a lot of money! Ah!
Well, you tell the widow
lady all about it, lovey.
[BOTH ARGUING]
[GROANS]
I swear it's the truth.
I got the deeds
back at my house.
If you like,
we could cut you in.
Oh, well, that's very
nice of you, dear.
[GROANS]
I shall give that
some thought.
[GRUNTING] There go
my piano lessons.
This one's on
the house, lovey.
Oh, thanks.But you make sure
they don't burn me.
Don't worry about it.
The burnings are over.
Sara Lee's the last one.
They're gonna
burn Sara Lee?
Yeah. What's your problem?
What is she, your
daughter or something?
[LAUGHING] JUDGE JOHN: Put me down!
Whoa, look out!
JUDGE JOHN: Did you see
that? Did you see that?
She did it again!
That little blonde
is tough.
Nathaniel, supper's ready!
[TURKEYS GOBBLING]
Nathaniel?
NATHANIEL: I just
want you to know this
isn't a one-night stand.
You know,
I just can't take
this sneaking around.
We've just... We've
just gotta tell her.
We've just
gotta tell her.
[GOBBLES]
We've gotta.
[ALL CHATTERING]
There.
Now everyone will
know who you are.
Ah, honored brothers,
we want you to eat,
drink, and be merry.
And please remember,
everyone here is
your friend.
[SPEAKING NATIVE LANGUAGE]
[CHANTING]
BABCOCK: Everyone,
please be seated.
Let's begin
our special meal.
Before we begin,
please...
Let's give thanks
to our Lord.
In the beginning,
God created the Earth.
[CHANTING IN NATIVE LANGUAGE]
What is he doing?
He's holding up a pipe,
and our damn dinner!
Ah, I think what
our red brother
wants us to do
is to smoke the pipe
of peace with him.
[COUGHS]
[INHALES]
[EXHALES SHARPLY]
Oh, I get it.
What he wants us to
do is to take a puff,
hold the smoke in.
Obviously, it's a symbol
of one's inner strength.
Oh, here, give me that!
I'll show you
inner strength.
[BOTH EXCLAIMING]
Happy Thanksgiving.
Pew! What is this?
Same thing we served
last Thanksgiving.
The very same
thing! [LAUGHING]
Ugh!
[CROWD WHOOPING]
[LOUIE LOUIEPLAYING]
I sure hope
the Parson doesn't
make it rain in here.
[SPEAKING NATIVE LANGUAGE]
I think you're right.
Oh, I gotta get
this food over to Sara.
She's probably starving.
Uh, bye.
So long, Chief.
[SPEAKS NATIVE LANGUAGE]
You just say
when, Chief.
I know how!
[EXCLAIMS]
MILES: Psst! Sara.
Sara, it's me.
Oh, Miles, I'm so
glad to see you.
Oh, Sara,
are you all right?
No. What's the matter?
I'm in jail.
Oh. Well, besides that,
are you all right?
I guess so. Miles,
what am I gonna do?
I don't know.
But there's gotta be
a way here to prove
that you're innocent.
You are innocent,
aren't you?
Of course I am!
I can't explain what
happened at the house,
but I didn't do it!
Please believe me. Oh, Sara,
I believe you.
Things are just not
what they seem to be.
Maybe all the others
were innocent, too.
Well, I'm not gonna rest
until I find out the truth.
No matter how
long it takes.
You've only got 36 hours.
Wow, I better
get going.
Oh, wait a minute.
Here. It's turkey.
Miles? Yes?
I love you.
Oh, I love you,
too, Sara.
Abigail.
There's something
[STAMMERING]
I gotta tell you,
and I can't keep it
from you any longer.
Now, Nathaniel, you
just sit right down here,
and you get
ready to eat,
and we can discuss
it over dinner. [LAUGHS]
Thank you, dear.
You know, there's
a good luck story
attached to this dinner.
You won't believe it,
but this bird was
wearing a diamond ring
when I chopped
its head off.
[SCREAMING]
Nathaniel?
Nathaniel, there's
plenty for everyone.
[CRASHING]
[ABIGAIL CRYING]
BABCOCK: This was
a good man.
He was kind
and generous.
He was loving
and hard-working.
[SOBBING]
Miles, can you come
by the house tonight?
I must see you.
It could save Sara's life.
All right. If it's
that important,
I'll be there.
Shh!
He was our strength.
He was our inspiration.
And we will all
sorely miss our
old dear friend,
Milton Crabtree.
What?
This is
the Baxter funeral!
You know, the degenerate
with the turkey!
[SOBBING]
Uh, may we please have
a moment of silence now
for Nathaniel?
[ABIGAIL BLOWING NOSE]
Thank you.
[ALL EXCLAIMING]
Oh!
[BARKING]
Oh, my God! Help me!
My pussy! My pussy! Oh!
Somebody grab my pussy!
Madam, please!
Don't just stand there!
Somebody grab
that woman's pussy!
Help!
[CAT SHRIEKING]
[EXCLAIMS]
[SCREAMING]
[EXCLAIMS] Get off me!
Stop! Stop! You damn dog,
I'm gonna break your legs!
Stop, I'll kill you!
Oh, no!
[SCREAMING]
Parson. Parson.
Parson, are you hurt?
Miles, I believe
I understand the true
meaning of Easter.
Where is Mummy?
Is she all right?
Well, it's hard to tell.
No one will get close
enough to examine her.
Miles Campbell? Yes.
I must speak
to you. Alone.
[GASPS]
Widow Chastity!
I have certain
inside information
concerning Sara Lee.
Oh, did you
say Sara Lee?
WIDOW CHASTITY: I'm sorry,
this is strictly confidential.
MILES: No, no,
you may speak freely
in front of the parson.
Why, he'd risk
his very life
to save Sara.
Yes. But did
I say that?
I mean, certainly
I'd pray for her,
and I wish her all the
luck in the world...
Parson, please,
we don't have time!
The information
I have could cost us
all our lives.
Now, let's start walking.
We don't want to draw
attention to ourselves.
[WIDOW CHASTITY WHISPERING]
Miles? Oh.
Mayor Upton.
Sara.
What are you
doing here?
As public defender,
it is my duty
to plead your case
at tomorrow's trial.
Now, I'll do everything
in my power
to get you off,
but first I must ask
you to sign this.
But this is
a confession.
What? It's impossible!
"I do hereby confess."
Yes, it is a confession.
These legal matters
are beyond both
of our understanding.
But sometimes
a signed confession
could be instrumental in
proving one's innocence.
Sign.
Mayor Upton, are
you sure you know
what you're doing?
My life depends
on your defense.
Well, of course
I know what I'm doing.
I've done dozens
of these cases.
But you've lost
every one of them.
That's true.
That's true, I have.
But then, odds are,
I have a win coming up!
[CROWD SHOUTING]
Mayor Upton,
I really am innocent.
Oh, yes, yes, I know.
And there isn't a
single person in town
who doubts that.
MAN: Burn the witch!
ALL: Burn her!
Burn her!
[LAUGHS NERVOUSLY]
You said you found
a way to save Sara.
FAITH: Oh, yes.
Please come in.
[DOOR LOCKING]
[HAMMERING NAILS]
I've been waiting for you.
MILES: It's awfully
hot in here.
You mind if I
open a window?
[THUNDER CLAPPING]
[GASPS]
Sara! Sara! Always Sara!
Do you think Sara could
ever look like this?
Well, maybe with a little
makeup and the right clothes?
Enough!
Tonight, I'm going to
make you forget Sara
was ever born.
Come.
Come to me, Miles.
Holy shit!
Come give your love to me.
[PANTING]
Give it to me.
Give it to me.
I demand it.
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
Faith? Is everything
all right?
Oh, yes, Abigail.
Everything is fine.
[LAUGHS NERVOUSLY]
I was just reading
the Bible.
Oh. Well...
Nightie-night. Nightie-night.
FAITH: Come to me, Miles.
Give it to me.
Give it to me.[SHOUTS]
[PANTING]
[WHISPERING]
Oh, Parson. Parson.
[WHISPERING] Miles,
is that you?
I'm so sorry I'm late,
but you don't know
what I've been through.
That's fine.
You'll tell me later.
Miles, what are
you wearing?
It's an apron.
I stole it off
a clothesline.
Good grief, man!
Remind me to
raise your salary.
Well, looks like
everyone's asleep.
Now listen to me.
Priscilla knows
everything.
Priscilla! Shh.
We have her allegiance.
She said she has left
the window open.
Wait a minute.
She knows we're
doing this?
[STAMMERS]
But Priscilla's
the mayor's wife!
Yes, she is.
But she's also the
parson's girlfriend.
Now, please,
help with the window.
Okay.
Miles, look out. [GRUNTS]
[CRASHING]
What was that?
Oh! Get up!
It's nothing!
Go back to sleep!
Okay, where do you
think the study is?
Oh, I think
it's this way.
Parson!
[POTS CLANGING]
Perhaps it's this way.
Quiet! Quiet!
That was definitely something!
What was something?
It's on your foot!
That!
[BOTH GROANING]
Didn't you hear that?
There's someone in this house!
I'm getting my guns!
[WHISPERING]
Now be quiet.
Follow me.
[CLATTERING]
Parson? Yes? [SCREAMS]
Shh.
This is it!
We're going to die!
No. This is it.
It's a scale model of
that Puritan Village,
the one Widow Chastity
told us about.
Oh, good, good. Now all we have to do
is find some proof
to take with us.
Here, hold this.
And stand over here.
I'm gonna
look around.
Maybe I should go for help.
Not yet. I'm sure
there's nobody in there!
Miles, hurry,
somebody's coming!
Oh, I've looked everywhere!
Parson! You found it!
What?
BELINDA: What's going on?
Nyah, nyah, you missed me.
Have some respect
for your elders.
[BELINDA SCREAMS]
That's what happens
when cousins marry.
It seems to be stuck.
What? That's impossible!
Here, let me try.
See, I told you
it was nothing.
Now can we go
back to bed?
[MOCKINGLY]
"Now can we go back to bed?
Now can we go back to bed?"
All rise for
the Honorable Judge John.
Good morning,
Your Honor.
Be seated.
There you go.
This court is
now in session.
I have before me
the charge of witchcraft
in the case of the Colony
of Massachusetts Bay
v. Sara Lee.
[CROWD CHATTERING]
JUDGE JOHN: Sara Lee,
under the laws of
this colony, my dear,
you will be judged
fairly by a jury
of your peers.
Thank you, Your Honor.
[JUDGE JOHN BANGS GAVEL]
[BREATHES DEEPLY]
Does the counsel for the
defense have anything to say?
Yes, Your Honor.
Uh, the defense intends
to prove that my client
is innocent of all charges.
[AUDIENCE PROTESTING]
Does the prosecution
have a statement?
Yes, Your Honor.
The prosecution
intends to prove,
beyond a shadow
of a doubt,
that Sara Lee is
guilty of witchcraft!
[AUDIENCE CHEERS RAUCOUSLY]
[BANGING GAVEL]
Order. Order in the court.
Ladies and gentlemen, please.
Now then, let's begin
with the prosecution.
Call your first witness.
Mother, you today are
just too much for me.
[GRUNTING] God help us.
[GRUNTS] So heavy.
Dear God, do you have the
dog in there with you?
Oh, I can't
let Miles down.
Oh, Mummy,
how could you
let me oversleep?
[NECK CRACKING]Oh, oh, oh.
Wait right here.
Wait right here. [GROANING]
[PANTING] Oh, oh.
I'm coming, Miles.
Don't you worry.
I am coming.
Parson! Parson,
over here!
Order in this court.
Settle down.
Where is she?
Shh!
All right, Mrs. Johnson,
will you continue, please?
Thank you, Your Honor.
[WHISPERS] She's
a witch, all right.[PEOPLE GASPING]
I saw her,
clear as day,
call upon Satan!
[CROWD EXCLAIMING]
And is that woman
in the courtroom now?
She most certainly is!
And would you
point her out for
the court, please?
That's the one!
Burn her! Burn her!
Burn her before
it's too late!
[EXCLAIMS]
[BANGING GAVEL]
Parson, hand me the map.
This is our chance.
Please settle down.
This is a court of
justice, a court of law.
Parson, this is wrapping
paper! Where's the map?
Oh, dear. Oh, no!
I have no idea!
If that wasn't it,
then I don't know.
Ladies and gentlemen,
order, please! Settle down!
This is a court of justice!
Now, I think we've heard
just about enough from
the prosecution.
Ladies and gentlemen
of the jury, do you
have a verdict?
Yes, we have, Your Honor.
But, Your Honor,
you haven't heard
my defense yet.
Yes, and that's
the law!
[CROWD GROANING]
[SCOFFS] Oh, all right,
if you're gonna nit-pick.
All right. Does the
counsel for the defense
have any witnesses
he would like to
call to the stand?
Uh, none that I can
think of, Your Honor.
[WHISPERING]
Oh, uh...
Yes, uh, one.
[CLEARS THROAT] The
defense calls Dr. Joyce
Brothers to the stand.
[CROWD EXCLAIMING]
Raise your right hand.
Do you swear to tell the
truth, the whole truth,
and nothing but the truth,
so help you God?
I do.
I'm a big fan
of yours.
Really? Really.
Thank you so much.
UPTON: So, Dr. Brothers,
is it?
Yes.
And you are
a doctor of what?
A doctor of psychology,
and I know exactly
what the problem is here.
Well, then maybe
you'd like to share it
with the entire court?
All right. What you
have here in Salem
is a case of
mass hysteria,
brought on by repressive
religious doctrines,
which in turn stifle
individual sexual expression.
This repressed sexuality,
coupled with intense
moral guilt,
produces a violent
psychological backlash,
which often takes the
form of homicidal paranoia,
in which innocent victims
are imagined to be tormentors.
In this case, Sara Lee
is the innocent victim
and her accusers
are the real tormentors,
desperately in need
of a good orgasm.
[CHOKES] [CROWD GASPS]
That's a load of shit!
I say we burn
the bitch!
[CROWD CHEERING RAUCOUSLY]
[BANGING GAVEL]
Bailiff, take that
heretic out of here!
We'll burn her later! ALL: Yeah!
Any more witnesses
for the defense?
[CLEARS THROAT]
The defense calls Annabelle
Porter to the stand.
How can you eat
at a time like this?
Oh, well, ever since
you told me about lunch,
I haven't missed a one.
In what way do you
know the defendant?
Well, as most of you know,
I run the local orphanage,
and I met Sara
when she was left
as a foundling
on my doorstep
almost 20 years ago.
All this witch stuff
is pure nonsense.
Why, she spent
the last year
giving her free time
to teaching my girls
singing and dancing.
As a matter of fact,
I've brought three
of her pupils here
to show you what
wonderful progress
she has made.
Your Honor?
Oh, go ahead.
ANNABELLE: Girls.
[PLAYING NOTE]
[FUNKY MUSIC PLAYING]
[GASPS]
♪ Now you might
pray to God, y'all
♪ But I like Lucifer
best of all
♪ Don't keep Satan waiting
♪ Don't keep Satan waiting
♪ Sunday school is
a place for fools
♪ It's hot in hell,
but the Devil's cool
♪ Don't keep Satan waiting
♪ Don't keep Satan waiting
♪ So don't just sit
there, join the club
♪ Sell your soul
to Beelzebub!
♪ No, no, no, no,
don't keep him waiting
♪ Don't keep him waiting
♪ You know he's waiting
♪ Anticipating
the celebrating
♪ Don't be afraid to
come visit Hades
♪ This way to Hell ♪ Get down, get down
♪ This way to Hell ♪ Get way down
♪ This way to Hell ♪ He's underground ♪
Now does the jury
have a verdict?
We have, Your Honor.
WIDOW CHASTITY:
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute!
It's my fault that
she's the way she is.
Bum me in her place.
Why?
Because I'm...
Because I'm...
I'm her mother.
[CROWD GASPING]
Excuse me. Excuse me!
This isn't family court.
I don't give a damn
who you two are.
Do you have a verdict?
JURY FOREMAN:
We have, Your Honor.
Wait a minute!
Wait a minute!
Wait a minute!
No, no,
not another relative!
I have in my hands
the proof that Sara Lee
is innocent,
and that you, Judge John,
and you, Mayor Upton,
are the guilty ones.
[BANGING GAVEL]
You are incredibly
out of order!
Listen to me!
Listen to me!
They have been
burning innocent people
and taking their land.
It's all here in the
map of Puritan Village.
Here, look
for yourselves! [CROWD EXCLAIMING]]
[SCREAMING]
He's a witch!
He's a witch!
[EXCLAIMS]
Burn them!
Burn them!
Burn them!
Burn them both!
[MOUTHING]
Sara Lee.
Miles Campbell.
Prepare to meet
your maker.
Sara, I want
you to know.
I'll always love you, in
this world and in the next.
Oh, Miles, I'll love
you till the day I die.
Light it.
Light it!No!
You're fired! I quit!
Uh, all right.
You, light it!
Me? Why me?
Because I'm bigger
than you are!
Now light it!
[WHIMPERING]
I can't.Light it, you
fool! Light it!
Burn them!
BABCOCK: No!
Listen to me!
Do not do this!
These good people
are innocent!
Get away. No!
By God, I will not
let you do it!
Stop it! Get back.
[GRUNTS]
[CROWD EXCLAIMING]
[EXCLAIMS]
There's your witch!
No shit, Sherlock!
That's right,
I'm a witch!
Of course, if any
of you had any brains,
you'd know who's
behind all of this.
Uh, boys!
You're not going away
without a farewell speech,
are you?
It's time to
tell the truth.
We made the
whole thing about
the witches up
so we could steal
everybody's land!
Shut up! [ALL EXCLAIMING]
Shut up, you...
We were going
to sell you all
down the river
for a profit!
[CROWD EXCLAIMS]
That's right, it
was them all along!
You fools,
you do nothing but
burn innocent people.
What a bunch
of hypocrites!
[CHUCKLING] And as
for you, sweet lips,
it's too bad
we never did get it on.
[FAITH LAUGHING]
I'm sure we would've
had a real fun time.
And now, if you'll
all excuse me,
I've had enough of this
miserable little town.
Adios,pinheads!
I can see! It's a
miracle! I can see!
[CROWD CHEERING]
Samuel, Caleb, Jeremiah,
release them at once!
Parson?
Will you do
us a favor?
Anything, Miles.
Anything.
Marry us.
Now. Here.
Oh, yes, please.
I would be honored.
In the beginning,
God made Adam and Eve.
[CROWD PROTESTING]
Oh, all right,
all right!
By the power
vested in me
I do hereby pronounce
you man and wife.
Kiss the bride.
[CROWD CHEERING]
[RINGING]
Good townspeople,
never forget the lesson
you've learned here today.
Love, brotherly love,
unconditional love
for each other,
without any
judgment whatsoever,
that's what Salem
must stand for
from this moment on.
I agree!
Let's let bygones
be bygones!
It wasn't me, really,
it was the judge!
Kill them!
[CROWD AGREEING]
Well, Parson, it looks
like these people still
have a long way to go.
I'm afraid
so, Miles.
Although I was
hoping that somebody
would have learned a
lesson from all of this.
Ah, well, I've got to
go and find Mummy.
PRISCILLA: Oh, Parson.
Oh, yes.
On second thought,
maybe it's time the old
goat learns to help herself.
[LAUGHS]
Good-bye, children. Good-bye now.
Good-bye, Parson.
Well, now what are
we gonna do?
Miles! We just got married.
Oh, yeah! [LAUGHS]
Come along,
Mrs. Campbell.
[BURNIN' LOVEPLAYING]
[METALLIC CLANK]