Love at First Bite (1950) - full transcript

[♪]

ALL:
♪ Oh, the wedding bells
Will start to ring ♪

♪ Ding, dong, ding ♪

♪ The birds and bees
Will start to sing ♪

♪ Ding, dong, ding ♪

♪ Dinga, dinga, ding, ding ♪
♪ Ding, ding, ring, ring ♪

Hey, fellas. Hey, fellas,
ain't it wonderful

that boat will dock
in a few hours

and our sweethearts
will be in our arms.

[CHUCKLES]
And before nightfall,
we'll be married.

Yeah, and every time my little
bride walks through this door



I'll give her a kiss
for good luck.

Oh.

[CRIES OUT]

Oh...

[LAUGHS]

Gum.

Oh.

You got gum stuck
all over the place.

Stop chewing gum.

I don't have to.

Oh.

Oh. Oh.

Now, throw it away.

Why...



LARRY:
Hey!

Stupid.

Hmm.

Why, you imbecile.

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

Answer the phone.

Fooled him.
Heh-heh-heh-heh!

Get out of here.

Ow.

Hello, oh, Joe.

He's a favorite?

Fine.

Five to win, five to place
and 25 to show.

That's 35 cents altogether.

Okay, call me back if he wins.

Thanks, goodbye. Wh--?

[WHIMPERS]

[GROANS]

[CRIES OUT]

Oh.

MOE:
Hey, Larry, get me a towel.

Coming right up.

Oh.

[CHUCKLES]

Ow.

[GROANS]

Hurry up.

All right, let me help you here.
Wait.

Get busy before he murders you.

Okay, thanks.

Oh, oh.

Oh!

MOE:
Ow!

[GRUNTS]

Ugh.

Umm.

[WHINES, SOBS]

Oh, I better get busy.

Hey.

Oh.

[GASPS]

You mosquito brain.

I didn't mean--
Oh, oh, oh.

Oh.

Why you...

Oh.
What's your-- Stay away.

Wait a minute.
This is our wedding day,

we should be happy,
friendly.

Not doing this.
Oh.

And none of that.
Oh.

Hey, maybe you're right. I--

[GROWLS]
Ah, ah, ah.

Remember, palsy-walsies,

no slapsies.

Okay. Hey, porcupine--

You know,
I was just thinking.

Isn't it great
our sweethearts

are all coming over
on the same boat?

I wonder if they've met.

Speaking of met,
how did you meet Maria?

It was
in a little restaurant.

It was love at first bite.

I was stationed in Italy,
eating bread and hotdogs

and waiting to be mustered out.
Well, one day...

[SNORING]

[SPEAKING ITALIAN]

Mmm.

Delicious.
Have a bite?

[SPEAKING ITALIAN]

[KISSING]

I can still feel
the burning of her kisses.

And that was the beginning
of our romance.

How about yours?

Mine, oh, boy--

Oh.
Oh.

Sorry, fellas.

It was while I was
on leave in Vienna.

I decided to find
a nice quiet private room.

They told of a home
with a room for rent

so I dashed down there.

WOMAN:
♪ La, la, la, la ♪

♪ La, la, la, la ♪

♪ La, la, la, la ♪

Agh.

[SPEAKING GERMAN]

Oh, I'm sorry.
You got a room for rent?

Room? For rent?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[SPEAKS GERMAN]

I will get the mail
and then I be right back.

Okay, baby.

Nice.

[MOE CRIES OUT]

Ahh.

[CRASHING]

[GASPS]

Oh.

[CRIES OUT]

[CHOKES]
Take it easy, kid.

Oh.

[EXHALES]

Oh, Mr. Sergeant.

Oh, yeah.

Oh.

[PANTING]

Why didn't you tell me
you were scrubbing the floor?

That's more dangerous
than a foxhole.

Ah, I'm so glad
to say, "I'm sorry."

Well, I'm not sorry, baby.

You know,
I really fell for you.

[GIGGLES]

Ah, what a beautiful ring
this is.

You like it?

Yeah, yeah.
That's the real McCoy.

Sixteen carrots. I'll take
it off so I can show it to you.

I'll get it, sister.

[RATTLES]

Give us a hand, will you.

Yeah.

[GRUNTS]

[GRUNTS]

Oh.

What happened?

See, the ring,
it is here.

Oh, it's beautiful.
Yeah.

Yeah.

[GASPS]
Ahh.

[GIGGLES]

Ah, ah, ah.

♪ Ah, yeah, dum, dum, dum ♪

[MOE LAUGHS]

WOMAN:
♪ La, da, da ♪

MOE:
♪ Boom, boom, boo, boo ♪

WOMAN:
♪ La, la-- ♪

Ooh. Ah.

WOMAN:
Hold me, hold me, oh.

MOE:
Hold you? Hold me!

[WOMAN CRIES OUT]

MOE:
Easy now.

[MOE GASPS, GROANS]

[BOTH LAUGH]

Oh.

[GIGGLES]

And that's how it started.

She literally
swept me off my feet.

Boy, am I in love.

Oh.
Oh.

You ain't heard
nothing yet.

My romance started
on the Rue De Slamel in Paris.

I was anxious
to see the Paris sights.

Well, one afternoon I was
strolling along the boulevard

looking for postcards...

[HORNS HONKING]

[WHISTLES]

Pardon me, mademoiselle,
you dropped your handkerchief.

Oh, merci.

Uh-uh, permit me.

Go ahead.

[SPEAKING FRENCH]

I don't know,
a fly went in mine too.

But don't mind it,
just drink up, kid.

[DOG SLURPING]

[SPEAKS FRENCH]

[THUNDER CRASHES]

I don't know,
there's a couple days--

Oh, we better get out of here.

Come on.
[SPEAKS FRENCH]

Hold that hat.

Okay, just stay right here.

Uh-oh.

Stay there.

[SPEAKING FRENCH]

I left my heart with her
on the Rue De La Peu.

She doesn't couldn't resist
the Casanova in me.

Ha-ha-ha! Oh.

Get out, you...

Fellas, let's drink a toast
to our future brides.

Right.
Right.

Go.
Right.

Take it over there.

All right, hurry up now,

will you give it a quick
jerk, now.

Yes.
Ooh.

Oh.

Out of my way.

[LAUGHS]

That's the way
they do it in Vienna.

♪ Ye, ha, ha, ha ♪

MOE:
Load it.

Bottoms up.

[ALL GULPING]

[BELLS RINGING,
TRAIN WHISTLING]

[ALL GROANING]

Cut it out.

[SLURRING]
You shouldn't marry
a girl like that.

[HICCUPS]

You're no good.

Them's fighting words.

Let's fight a "drool."

Okay by me.

[HICCUPS]

Choose your weapon.

Here.

[SLURRING]
I'm a referee.

When I count
to three, you shoot.

One...

two...

three.

Oh, hey,

hold still,
I can't see you.

Can you see me now?

Yeah.

Touché.

It's all right.
It's all right.

Okay.

Mmm, that's eye bullets.

Ahh.

Ah, now, let me tell
you something that was my--

MOE:
You ain't telling
nobody nothing.

SHEMP: That was my sweetheart.
MOE: I'm shooting.

SHEMP: That right?
MOE: And I got a new cartridge,

and I'm gonna give it to you
right in the eye.

Wait a minute,
I'm out of bullets.

You wouldn't shoot a guy
that's unarmed, would you?

I wouldn't, hey, I'd blow your--
Oh, that's what I'll do.

Wait a minute.
Cut it out, now.

I got you.
I'll cover you full of holes.

Ma!

Hey, wait a minute.
You got me, pal.

You got me.

I'm bleeding to death.

Oh.

I'm dying.

I'm getting weak.

Tell Fifi she was my last
sort before I died.

I killed him.

I killed my best pal.

They'll hang you for this.

We've gotta get rid
of the body.

Let's cremate him.

[HICCUPS]
We can't do that.

We ain't got no cream.

I never thought of that.

I see.

We'll put his feet in cement
and dump him in the river.

Okay, that's a deal.

Okay.
Shake.

All right, stir it up.

It is stirred up.

Okay, let's put
the corpse's feet in it.

Okay.

There. There you are.

Well, let's take a nap
until that stuff dries.

Okay.

[BOTH SNORING]

What happened?

What's the idea of pushing me?

Wait a minute,
I didn't push you.

Oh, my head.

What did we drink?

I don't know, varnish--

Hey, look at that.

Shemp taking a foot bath.

Suffering catfish,
we're late.

We've missed the boat.
Come on.

Hey, sleeping beauty, it's late.
Get out of that bath.

Come on.
The girls are waiting.

Come on, hurry up.
Come on.

Hey, I can't get up.

My feet feel like lead.

So does your head.

Every time--
Ah, get up out of there.

You make us late
every time.

Come on, fellas.
Come on.

Hey, I can't move.

How did I get into this?

Oh, stalling, hey?

Whoa.

LARRY:
How do you like--?

Whoa.

I'm sorry,
but I didn't mean nothing--

Oh, getting tough, hey?

Whoa.

Ooh.

You and what? Oh, you...

Oh.

MOE:
Let me at him.

Why you, I'll fix you.

Oh.

Oh.

Why, you...

Whoa.

How do you like this guy?

LARRY: Uh-oh
MOE: oh.

Whoa.

SHEMP:
Don't, fellas. Don't.

Cement.

Honest, Moe,
everything's a blank.

I don't know what happened.
You pudding head.

You put cement in your foot bath
instead of salt.

Go get that booby-trap,
we'll blast--

Moe, will it hurt?

You won't feel a thing.

Gee, thanks.

Phew.

Here we are.

Okay, got any matches?

Yeah.

Light away.

Won't be long now.

[AIR WHISTLING]

I wonder what is keeping
our sweethearts yet.

They are so late.

[AIR WHISTLING]

[ALL CRY OUT]

Oh.

[GROANS]

Maria.
Katrina.

Fifi.

[ALL SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGES]

[WOMEN SHOUT]

[SHEMP CRIES OUT]

[FIFI CRIES OUT]

[WATER SPLASHES]

LARRY:
A tidal wave.

[♪]