Love, Weddings & Other Disasters (2020) - full transcript

Aah! No! No!

- Thirty seconds.
- No! No! I'm not doing this!

Perry! Just breathe with me.
Just relax and breathe in...

- Ah!
- Out.

- Aah!
- Good. Good.

You're doing great.

Slow in...

And out. So good.

- Okay. Safe and sound.
- Ah!

Fifteen seconds.

- No! I can't do this! I won't!
- Relax and breathe!



I'm not relaxing.
And I'm not jumping!

- You promised me.
- On the ground!

I promised you on the ground!

- You promised me in the bed.
- Which is on the ground!

- Trust me!
- Ah!

You're gonna love it!

It's now or never!

It's never!

It's now!

I'm coming!

I'm getting closer!

Perry! Perry, I'm coming!

I've got you!

Relax!



Relax?! Ten miles
up in the air. Are you crazy?

- But I know...
- But nothing!

You're insane and
I'm insane for being with you!

- Okay. What are you saying?
- I'm saying,

that if by some miracle
I'm not a pancake

in the next thirty seconds,
we're done!

Wait, are you
breaking up with me?

Yes, you freakin' maniac!

Fine! Pull your ripcord, then.

With pleasure!

Goodbye!

Help me, Jessie! Help me!

I got you, let me flip it.

All right, hold on!

I love you, forever.

This is my perfect moment.

My man, my love.

- My ass!
- I just saved you

and you're still
breaking up with me,

it is not a good time.

Who cares, you psycho!

This was supposed to be
an adventure!

Just get me to the ground
as fast as possible

so I can be done with you!

- Really?
- Really!

Okay.

Ah! You crazy bitch!

Ah!

Ugh!

Look out!

I'm so sorry! Watch out!

Oh, crap!

Oh!

Everybody good?

I'm so sorry!
I know how you must feel.

I work on weddings sometimes.

Get out of here!

It's a beautiful wedding.

I would love to
get that dress cleaned for you!

Get outta here!

You've ruined my wedding!

For God's sake, who are you?

Take this and go! Go!

Get outta here!

♪ There goes the bride ♪

♪ Dressed in muddy white ♪

Wedding trasher!

Get out of here!

Wedding trasher!

You ruined this for me!

♪ You think that we could be ♪

♪ Perfect in love ♪

♪ If you do you're utterly,
Totally, perfectly wrong ♪

♪ Love is perfect
Love is pure ♪

♪ We screw it up
That's for sure ♪

♪ Don't blame love ♪

♪ The blame is on us... ♪

Okay, folks. The moment
you've all been waiting for!

The historical, hysterical,
completely inaccurate

Captain Ritchie Duck Tour!

Listen, it's gonna be a blast.

And if you don't have fun,

tough beans,
because you already paid,

and it's impossible
to get a refund.

High five! Boom! Pound it out.

- Boom! There you go.
- Look out.

Wait a minute!

I did not know the Miss America
pageant was in town.

- You're fresh.
- Thank you for noticing.

The secret to that
is showering monthly,

exercising never,
and drinking a bunch.

Wow, it's working.

Though, you may wanna
revisit that shower schedule.

Like what,
once every two months?

That's what I was thinking.

Like the water
conservation thing.

- Yeah.
- You're nasty. I like it.

Glass slipper.

Cinderella's
my favorite character.

- Where's the other one?
- Prince Charming has it.

And where is he?

Hmm, that's the question,
isn't it?

Uh! Make room for Cinderella

and her not ugly stepsisters!

Come on in.

Dressed for the cause,
I like the suit.

Oh, and the purple
brings out your eyes.

♪ Don't blame love ♪

♪ Don't blame love ♪

♪ Blame us. ♪

- Gah!
- Oh! Ooh!

Oh, God, sorry. Are you okay?

What do you think you're doing?

I'm so sorry, that
was totally my fault.

Bloody scooters!

Are you Lawrence Phillips?

Yes, I am.

I've had your food
at a wedding.

- Oh, good.
- It was incredible.

Yeah, I'm glad you survived.

I want you to
cater my wedding. I...

No, I'm booked
years in advance.

Oh, no, I mean, I'm
not even engaged. It's okay.

My last boyfriend dropped me.

I dropped him, actually,
into a lake.

Into a lake?

So, I got off, relatively
lightly, this morning.

I am sorry. It was
really nice to meet you.

I could say,
it was fun bumping into you,

but I'd be
stretching the truth.

Have a great day.

Oh, God.

Hi. Sorry, I'm a fraction late.

I literally ran into
Lawrence Phillips,

who's just so...

- Uptight?
- Precise.

- Crabby and anal.
- A perfectionist.

An OCD pain in the ass.

The best in the city.

I guess, I was thinking
more like famous.

I'm the groom. Hi, I'm Robert.

And our next mayor.
Jessie English.

It's an honor. I mailed
my ballot in yesterday,

so, you're winning,
one to nothing.

Well, if you've voted for me,
then I'm voting for me.

I'm Liz. I'm the bride.
And this is Lucifer.

Bev. Robert's campaign manager.
And we are on a schedule.

I'm Jimmy,
the not famous Barton.

The black sheep Barton.

- Nice to meet you, too.
- You, too.

I'm late for an important date,
so, I'm gone.

Thank you, again, for the
best man thing.

- It means a lot.
- Absolu...

- Leave.
- I won't let you down.

Oh!

- Sorry about that.
- Go-go-go-go.

- I got it.
- Thank you. Thank you.

- My brother.
- At least we know

- you're gonna win.
- How?

Every successful politician
has that train-wreck brother.

Do you have anything nice
to say about anyone?

- Yes.
- Who?

- Me. I think I'm terrific.
- Right.

I got a call about a wedding...

Robert, this is the girl
who planned the wedding

- that Diane raved about.
- Oh!

Oh, you mean,
my cousin, Tina's wedding.

I didn't plan, plan that.
I just did it as a favor.

Okay, well, I saw the photos
and it was beautiful.

Thanks. So, I'm here
about the florist job?

Ah, no, you're not.

So, we have a florist.
We need a planner.

And the wedding
is in eight days.

Sorry, eight days?

Amazing.
Are you pregnant?

No, no, we've
had this scheduled for a year.

- We've just had some...
- Firings.

- Yeah, and some...
- Quittings.

- Disagreements.
- Fifth time's a charm.

I would be the fifth?

We have a few different points
of view about the wedding.

Hey, this should be simple.
You two love each other, right?

Yes.

So,
what's the problem?

What's your
favorite kind of music?

I love classical.

Lovely, so Mozart's
"Wedding March."

I'm rock and roll.

Queen. "Crazy Little Thing
Called Love."

- I want it traditional.
- Classic, elegant.

And I want it short.
Just, like, bullshit, bullshit.

I do. I do.
Let's just get to the party.

Rad. So, young, fresh, modern...

So, completely un-newsworthy.

You have to think of
press and TV.

No offense, but
zero percent of my friends

read the society pages
or watch the local news.

But if your candidate
could throw a knockout party,

it will be Instagrammed,
texted, tweeted,

YouTube'ed, TikTok'ed.

Robert Barton is...
He's cool. He's relatable.

- Robert, what do you think?
- I think you should

- go with Lawrence.
- And you're not Robert.

Wait, Lawrence Phillips
wants to do it?

Hey, as much as I would love
to have this job, get him.

- I'll bus the tables.
- I just... I don't feel like...

- What was your name again?
- Jessie English.

Oh, I'll be right back.
Excuse me.

Don't I recognize you
from somewhere?

Uh, maybe.

You're the Wedding Trasher,
aren't you?

- Yep.
- You were with that anchorman.

Yeah. I ruined that,
and somebody's wedding.

Thank you for coming,
you're out.

Well, thank you.
Thanks for the time.

Now we're off to a meeting
with the lobster guild.

Okay. So,
can you start right now?

You really want her?

We're in trouble. Okay?

I mean, Diane said she's great.

She's here. She has a pulse.

Yeah, I want her.

Fine. You're hired.

Don't worry, I won't
hold it against you.

- Thank you.
- Hold what?

- Nothing.
- Not nothing.

- Welcome aboard.
- You won't regret this.

Let's hope not.

- Amazing.
- I know, it's gonna be great.

So, come on, we have, like,
a thousand things to do.

Yes, tell me everything.

As there will be
extensive press coverage,

TV, print, and the Internet,

everyone will arrive in limos.

I'm an environmentalist.
I hate this limo crap.

Is that
other one yours?

- Yep.
- Tell him to take the day off.

Hey!

- Zero emissions.
- Very nice.

- Gainsborough Street, please.
- Whoa. A celebrity.

- Ha, ha, very funny.
- Wedding trasher.

- Okay. We gotta go.
- Do me a favor?

Just sit still and
try not to trash my cab.

What is he saying?

He thinks I'm some
kind of famous person.

It's so much easier
if I just say yes.

All right. So,

this how we're gonna do it
on the duck tour.

We're gonna do a little thing
called the quack quack.

Now, my command is,
"What'd it do?"

And after I say,
"What'd it do?" You say...

Quack, quack!

There we go. High five.

All right. What'd it do?

Quack, quack.

Just Cinderella... What'd it do?

- Quack, quack.
- Ooh, nice.

The very first lighthouse
was built in 1717,

in the Boston Harbor,

making it the oldest erection
in the nation.

That is, if you
don't count Larry King.

Boom! Nailed it!

Hmm.

- Randall?
- Yes, sir?

Measure.

Eleven and a half.

- Who?
- Juan.

Juan?

Yes, sir?

Eleven and a half.

- No. I...
- Yes.

And it's not as if
you've slightly missed

by a 32nd or even a 16th,

but a full half inch.

I could see it
the moment I came in.

The entire room
was out of balance.

You're off crystal.

Re-measure all his tables
and put him on salads.

Half an inch, God!

Lawrence!

What are you two doing here?

- Saying hi.
- This is gorgeous.

Yes, well,
gorgeous is what we do,

but I'm right in the middle...

Of an unhappy life?

We were in the neighborhood

and wanted to
say hi to the genius.

Well, yes, hi and goodbye.

You don't have a moment
for your best friends?

Not right now.

Looks pretty good.

"Pretty good"
could get you fired.

Oh, well, I meant...

I frankly don't care
what you meant.

The centerpiece table
is the signature creation

of every
Lawrence Phillips event.

And "pretty good"
is not in our lexicon.

We start at perfect
and we ascend from there.

Gonna run one thing by you,
and we're gone.

You haven't had a date
since Beth died.

- Five years ago.
- You're miserable.

- And lonely.
- Yes. Thank you,

Dr. and Mrs. Phil,
but in six hours' time,

I have 500 people
descending on...

- We fixed a lunch for you.
- What?

A blind date.

Steve, this is not
the right moment.

It's never the right
moment with you.

So, we thought we'd surprise
you with a dating intervention.

- Ugh!
- She's age appropriate,

- charming and beautiful.
- Oh, stop it.

This is not funny.

I would never dream
of going on a blind date.

I hate surprises of any kind.

- That's too bad.
- Why?

Because your blind date
is right now.

- Sara!
- No. No, no.

Okay.

Adios.

- No, look... I can't!
- Good luck!

Ah! Ah!

Oh! Oh, dear. I...

- Are you completely...
- Blind? Yes.

Yes, oh, dear. Completely.

I just, I don't know.
I mean, I came here

to meet a Lawrence,
but instead I...

- Yes, I'm Lawrence.
- Oh.

Oh, my dear own God. So...

You're my date. I'm Sara.

Lawrence Phillips.

Did they not tell you about me?

They mentioned a blind date.

Well, I think
the politically correct term

is "visually impaired" date.

- Sorry.
- So, is lunch still on?

I do apologize, but I'm under
savage pressure here today.

- But I promise, we will...
- Oh, yeah.

...lunch in the future
under slightly less...

hectic circumstances.

Now, if I may escort you out?

- Oh, yeah, okay.
- Ah!

Be careful now.
Easy, Teddy, easy.

That-a boy.

He can't be any worse
at aiming me than you are.

Hah!

Your laugh has
something about it.

It sounds rusty.

How do you mean?

It sounds like
you don't do it enough.

- Ah, well...
- Is that it?

Oh, we're fine.

Oh, thank you, so much.
Thank you.

There's a taxi for you.

No, really, I'm fine.

- No. I insist.
- Seriously.

It's no problem at all.

Well, I apologize. It's just,
you catch me at a busy time.

Are you handsome?

No, I'm ancient.

What time are you done tonight?

Oh, very late. About eleven.

Oh, that's not late.
That's early, here.

We could have a drink,
or something.

It's in Braille.

It's on the other side here.
No, that side. Yes.

I will call you.

I will answer.

Did you just wave?

- I did not.
- Yes, you did.

I did.

Oh, that's good.

Oh, my goodness, Teddy.

Calm down! Calm down!

All right, take it easy!

Let's just try to
get through this.

I'm Eddie Stone, and
you've accidentally tuned in

to Crash Couples,
a so called game show

based on love,
relationships, dating,

and a whole bunch of other crap
that nobody cares about.

We have whittled down
a thousand contestants

to these nervous twits
who are standing here

wetting themselves.

Tonight, we'll find out who
will make up the four couples

who will compete
for one million dollars!

The other twelve losers will...

Beat it! Beat it! Beat it!

Can I have Nick Matthews?

Yeah! Oh, yeah!

Nick, nobody wants to see
an old guy on TV.

Me, yes. You, no.

I don't even know how
you got this far. You're out.

Beat it! Beat it! Beat it!

Let's speed this up.

Taylor, Molly,
Howard, Kenny, Elana...

You are out!

Beat it! Beat it! Beat it!

You know the old saying,
opposites attract?

BS. I think opposites
actually hate each other.

Let's find out.
Where is Sharon?

- Ah!
- Oh! Whoa!

Does
that say Sharon or Shaq?

- Sharon.
- All right, fine.

Sharon, your opposite is Verne.

Yeah, Verne! Where's Verne?

Where... Ha!

Oh-ho, Jack and the Beanstalk.

And we have Gianna and Donald.

Where are you? Oh.

Gianna and...

Hoh, he's got
the right to bare arms.

Very nice.
Good luck to the two of you.

All right, next,
Habib and David.

How the heck did we
end up with two guys?

Who's in charge of this show?

- You are.
- I... What?

I... All right.

Screw it.
You guys are together.

See how this works out.

And our last couple

Svetlana, 28 years old,
Russian and an attorney

and a hottie.

- Am I allowed to say, hottie?
- No.

You're a hottie.

Whoever gets her is the
luckiest guy on the planet.

Dream on, loser.
I got this one.

- Your mate is named...
- Jimmy Barton!

- Here he is!
- Ha-ha!

Jimmy Barton.

People often say that
they're attached to each other.

So, we at Crash Couples
thought,

what would happen if
they were actually attached?

Come on!

Lock 'em up! Then,
you'll stay together until

you can't take it anymore,
for whatever crazy reason.

And when you finally decide
to break the link...

Beat it! Beat it! Beat it!

So, Shaq, what do you think?

I'm game.

And you, shorty,
how can I help you out?

Take it easy, Eddie,
I got this Amazon.

Oh, he's got this Amazon.

Bring me a stepladder
and some bungee cords.

There you have it,

the four couples who
will compete for $1 million.

Actually, you know what?

Why don't we stop here
and get a coffee real quick?

- Sure.
- Yeah.

Oh look,
she didn't trash my cab.

Shut it! Uh, so,

I'll need a contact
for the florist and the band.

Yes. Florist, yes.
We don't have a band yet,

- but we have to talk about it.
- Jessie. Oh, my God!

Wow! Hi. This is
my cousin, Tina, who we...

- Oh!
- And, and this is Liz.

Wait, hi. I just saw the photos
from your wedding

and it was, like, amazing.

Yeah. Well,
that's thanks to Jessie.

Oh, I just helped out, really.

Bull. She did the whole thing.

Yeah. That's what I heard.

- And now she's planning mine.
- That's great!

- Congratulations.
- Thank you.

- Come sit with us.
- No, we kind of

- have a scheduled fitting...
- No, we're cool.

Yeah, we're good.

- What was your name?
- It's Meg.

Meg, okay. Liz.
Nice to meet you, too.

Hey, guys, you
want some drinks?

A Margarita Patrón,
salt, rocks.

Okay. I'm sorry, are you...?

Yes. It's me.
The wedding trasher.

We can sit in the back
if that's easier for you.

Ah, no, I was just gonna see
if you guys wanted some menus.

- Uh, yeah. Menus would be good.
- Okay.

Okay. I've heard
"wedding trasher" twice, now.

You're gonna have to
forgive my cousin. She's...

- Aggressive?
- Mm, more like competitive.

- She's super competitive.
- Can't lose.

- To anyone.
- Ever.

Which is why she's
working on weddings

instead of getting
married herself.

- Mm-hmm. And...
- Makes sense.

- You have to see this.
- No-no-no!

Hold on.

This has over seven and
a half million views.

Wait for it. Yeah.

No...

- Oh!
- Oh, my!

Wait, is that Perry Blake?

- Mm-hmm.
- Yep, right there.

You dropped a Channel Seven
news anchorman into a lake?

Is he gonna sue you?

I'm pretty sure my
legal responsibility ended

once I granted his request
to return him to the ground

- as soon as possible.
- Oh, Jessie!

But I am, now and forever,
the wedding trasher.

- So, I'm just gonna...
- Wait, where are you going?

- I'm just gonna go.
- What?

I know you don't need me
or my bad press.

- What are you...
- So, I'm gonna make it simple.

No, no, I think that's funny.

Okay, you're an ass-kicker.
Just kick ass for me. Just...

I don't know, pretend my
wedding is a guy, or something.

I'm serious. Sit down.

- Seriously, it's gonna be fine.
- Welcome back.

In the meantime,
let's maybe replay that?

- Oh, God!
- I will pay extra

for you to do that
at my wedding.

Do it in slo-mo.

All right. So, that ends

this edition of
the why book the duck tour,

and drag me along.
So now, I get to drag her

to Fenway Park tonight.

- What'd it do?
- Quack, quack.

You were doing it great
all morning

and now you're messing it up.
What'd it do?

- Quack, quack!
- Yes!

Okay. Everyone get off.
Leave, it's over.

Uh, Cinderella. Not you.

I need one more dance
before midnight.

Oh, Captain, you're so funny!

- Yeah. Thank you.
- I just wanna...

Excuse me.
Sorry, comin' through.

Whoa, one second.

Let me just see.

Excuse me. Captain Ritchie?

- Just Ritchie.
- Hi, I'm Gail Lovejoy.

I'm a reporter
from WHG Channel Seven.

I just took my parents
on your tour,

and we really enjoyed it.

Thank you, guys.
Thank you for coming.

I would love to do
a local color piece on you.

It sounds great,
but I'm not sure

how funny I'd be right now.

Oh, it wouldn't be today.

Here, I'll give you my card.

So, just give me a call
and we'll set up a time.

- All right. Thank you.
- Thanks.

Okay, folks.

Who's ready for
the historical, hysterical,

completely inaccurate, but
who cares about facts anyway,

Captain Ritchie Duck Tour?
Come on, step right up.

Ah.

That's gonna take
some getting used to.

Yes. Come.

That way? Okay.

Wait, hold on.

Okay. Ow!

Wait... Ah! Thank you.

What?

We're not here.
We're with the show.

Just be natural.
We're not here.

- How does this...
- No, just... not here.

I got it.

Thank you.

After you.

Oh! Ah.

Oh, boy.

Sorry. I got it.

You're wondering about this.

It's a love chain.

Newest thing.
We can't be apart.

And the video crew...

- We're not here.
- They're not here.

I'll have a beer
and Svetlana...

Vodka.

So, Svetlana,
tell me about you.

Where did you go to law school?

- Harvard.
- I went to Harvard.

I meant the University of Yale.

Excuse me. Natasha! It's Bert!

I'm no Natasha.

It's Bert, from Saturday night.

- Wrong person.
- You're not Natasha?

Well, you must
have a twin, then.

No twin. Goodbye.

All right, well,
have a good night.

So, what kind of law
do you practice?

♪ Doctor give me the medicine ♪

♪ And you'll see
I've got this addiction ♪

♪ It keeps me
Crawling back again ♪

♪ It keeps me
Crawling back again ♪

Thank you! Thank you!

We're gonna take a short
beer break, then a piss break.

And another beer break.

- Hey!
- Come here, baby.

You killed it! Oh!

- Hey, Mack.
- Yo!

Somebody I want
you to meet, Yoni.

- Hi.
- Oh, hey.

- Yoni.
- Mack.

- Nice to meet you.
- Nice to meet you.

How do you guys
know each other?

We met in New York.

When you went
three months ago?

Like four and a half.

Wait, you guys want some beer?

- Yeah, that'd be great.
- Yes, thank you.

She's cute.
Is her name really Yoni?

- Yes.
- Like the...

She's a performance artist.

How long have you guys
been seeing each other?

Kinda since New York, yeah.

I don't wanna sound like
a chick or anything,

but if I was banging a girl...

Uh-huh. We're not just banging.

Is it serious?

- Maybe.
- Ah-ha-hoh!

Congrats, dude, that's awesome.

Thank you.

Yeah. Is it odd
you didn't tell me?

No.

- Here.
- Thank you.

- You're welcome.
- Thank you. Cheers.

- Cheers, guys.
- Cheers.

Could you
do the walk one more time?

- What?
- We didn't get it.

I thought this
was a reality show?

It is, completely real.

So, why do we need to...

Could you do the walk up again?

- Okay. Again.
- Thank you.

There's my baby boy.

What a nice dog.

Don't mind him.

His bite is worse
than his bark.

You mean his bark
is worse than his bite?

No, his bite is worse.

So, how are we going to
organize the sleeping?

We lie down, we shutting
our eyes and be sleeping.

Svetlana,
you are amazingly beautiful.

- Thank you.
- Can I pee somewhere?

Okay.

Thanks. Oh...

Oh. Oh, uh...

Can I just get
a little bit of privacy?

Why? Do you think
I never before seen peeing?

No, it's not that. Of course...

I've seen bigger ones
and littler ones.

- Ah, thank you.
- You brush your teeth?

Ah, I didn't get a brush.
I'll get one in the morning.

Here.

- No, that's okay.
- I no sick.

It's not that. I just...

- Don't be pussy.
- Okay.

Good.

- Hello.
- It's me. It's eleven o'clock.

- Wow!
- What?

Well, Jody never told me
you were so punctual.

Ha-ha-ha.

- Teasing me again.
- Yes, I am.

Well, it's a bit late.

- And?
- I've had a long day

and I'm not my best
at this time of night.

I think if we're
gonna get together,

I should be at my best.

Oh, so you're
saving the worst for the last?

Well, yeah, you could say that.

- So, you're bailing on me?
- No! Not... I'm not...

- You're jilting me?
- No, I'm not jilting...

You're stiffing me.
You're ghosting me.

You're wimping out, whatever.

It's late. I'm tired.

Best I call you tomorrow
and make a date then.

Well, don't call too early

because you know,
I do have archery class.

Ha!

Was that a "ha"?

Um, yeah, it was.

Oh, no, listen.
Listen, very carefully.

Find another "ha,"
put the two together,

and you got yourself a laugh.

Very funny. Yeah.
I'll practice that.

Okay.

So, what time
should I call you?

Oh, 10:36.

Oh! I think I'm busy
at 10:36, but...

I might have a gap at 10:37.

Yeah. Ha!

Olga!

- Shit!
- What?

- Quick!
- Olga!

- Coming!
- Open the fucking door!

What?
Why are you doing that?

- Open the door!
- Coming! I'm coming!

- Ow!
- Open the door!

Coming!

Olga, why do you
not open the freaking door?

I was asleep, what you think?!

Take a pee!

Ugh! Ah!

What's the problem?
Who is that?!

Get under the bed! Very sorry!

Come here, my little pirogue.

You're drunk. Go home.

Ah, gimme kiss.

I have no kisses
for drunk people.

Kisses. Come on.

We've been over this...

Oh!

Not open for business!

Please,
gimme me big hug.

You open.

It's not even
open for discussion!

It wasn't history that
called them the Minutemen,

it was their wives.

Are you a Yankees fan?

What's the difference
between a Yankee and a baby?

A baby stops crying
after a while.

Boom! Got him!

Oh, Victor.
Victor, left, left, left, left.

Um, sorry about that,
I thought I saw someone I knew.

Well, actually,
I have a question.

Have any of you seen, um...

a girl with a glass slipper
tattoo on her neck?

Asking because she actually
did one of my tours, and...

She was real magical.
She had a wonderful smile.

She's about this tall.

She left this.

All right, so, yes, if you
see the tavern over there,

Betty Ross actually
drew the first image

of the American flag

on a cocktail napkin. What!

Yoo-hoo.

Ah! What?

Is safe.

- He's gone?
- Yes.

Come out.

Who the hell was that?

- Nobody.
- Nobody?

- Nobody.
- Is that a wig?

- No, it's my hair.
- But you're a brunette.

No, that is wig. That's
classier for the TV show.

Ooh.

- You have a roommate?
- No.

You have to be at work today?

No, maybe tonight, later.

You have night court?

No, I haven't been to that one
since last year.

What kind of law
do you practice again?

No practice. I was arrested.

- For what?
- Dancing.

- You're a dancer?
- Yes.

- Ballet?
- No.

- Broadway?
- Exotic.

- Stripper?
- Exotic.

- So, you're not Svetlana?
- Just for the TV show.

- And you're not Natasha?
- Just for the dancing.

Of course, for the dancing.

You're blonde, not a brunette.

Not a lawyer, but a stripper,
and Zhopa is your pimp.

Do not say that.

I am a dancer, not a hooker.

I'm sorry. I'm just
trying to figure it out.

Zhopa is managing club
where I'm working.

He's dangerous person.

Zhopa mafia?

No.

Yes.

Perfect.

We can no let him
knowing about this.

- Or he'll kill you?
- Us.

Olga.

Olga, did you ever consider
the very slight possibility

that he might find out about us

when the show goes on
television all over America?!

- No.
- I'm getting out of here.

I am so screwed.
What were you thinking?

I was thinking that
I winning the money

and escaping away.
A million dollars.

Maybe you no needing it,
but I am! I am!

I need it too, badly.

I'm a gambler.

I owe some bad guys some
very large amounts of money.

And if I don't get it,
I'm dead.

So, if I quit, they kill me.

And if I stay,
your guy kills me.

Yes?

Hi.

- Can I help you?
- I'm Jessie.

I ran into you, yesterday,
out front of the church.

Oh.

Yes, how could I forget?

Must be the concussion.

Yeah, I am really sorry
about that. Are you okay?

Still alive.

Hanging on by my fingernails.

So, I'm the new planner
for Liz and Robert's wedding.

What?

You?!

I did tell them
you should do it.

Yeah, well, I should.
But I'm not.

So, how can I help you?

Well, I'm very glad to hear
there's no hard feelings.

I didn't say that.

So, I ran into
a couple of slight hiccups

with your floor plan
for the reception.

No worries. I redrew it.

Why? It's perfect.

Perfect, except,

there wasn't room for the band.

Well, there is no band.

There's a band.

No, my dear.

There is not a band,
there's a string quartet.

- Oh.
- There, in the corner.

Not anymore, it moved to
the church for the ceremony.

Because?

Because there's a band,

per the bride,
for the reception.

It's on a big stage,

and there was
no room for the stage.

So, the answer
was really simple.

I just shifted the tables,
slid the bar

and finally,
got rid of that big thingy.

That big thingy
is the centerpiece table.

Right. It was blocking
everybody's view. So...

No, no, no,
that is my signature.

What if we move it
to the entrance

so that everyone sees it
as they come in?

My dear, listen.
Since this is your first,

and surely,
your last opportunity

to be a wedding planner,

why don't you keep your
amateur ideas to yourself

and let the professionals
do it?

The layout is perfect.
We're not gonna change anything.

We'll have no stage

and the centerpiece will stay
exactly where it should be,

in... the... center.

Well, I just came from them,
and this is what they want.

Yeah.

You just run along,
I'll talk to Robert.

Okay. I know you are
a big famous deal,

and I am new at this.

However,
this wedding is not about me.

It's certainly not about you.

Our job here, is to
give the bride and groom

what they truly want.
And if what they truly want

is a Buddhist monk on a trapeze
singing "Stairway to Heaven,"

then that is what they
should get. It's their day.

- Now, don't get hysterical.
- Really?!

Hysterical?

That's what this looks like
to you, is hysterical?

Why? Because I'm a girl?

I don't get hysterical

and I don't lose, ever.

So...

I'm gonna make this work.

If you would like
to work with me on it,

that would be great, otherwise,
it's gonna be so much easier

now that I have figured
out precisely where

you can shove your centerpiece.

It opens in.

That was my second option.

Wait! Wait.

Let me have another look
at your plan.

Give it up. Give it up.

♪ The sign said danger
Beware of thin ice ♪

♪ So, I walked out
And closed my eyes ♪

♪ Safe and warm
On the shoreline ♪

♪ So, why did I
Walk out on thin ice? ♪

♪ Is that cracking I hear? ♪

♪ Is it drowning I fear?... ♪

Make a right turn now.

Good. Good.

I've got the door for you.

Oh, sorry.
Thank you so much. Oh!

♪ I could really get killed ♪

♪ I'm almost certain
That I'll fall through ♪

Oh! Oh, my! I... Oh.

Oh, my...

Ah. So.

Lawrence! Oh, God.
Thank goodness.

Thank God, at least
I wrecked the right office.

It's only a couple of lamps.

-Yeah, I... Oh!

Oh! Ah.

- And a painting.
- You'd think that Teddy and I

would be better at this,
but oh, no, we just...

we just keep
banging into things.

But honestly,
I will pay for this.

No, no, no. Nothing's broken.

Too many lamps anyway.

So, I wasn't expecting you.
What are you...

Well, 10:37, it came and went.

And then 10:38. So,
you know what I did?

I brought us lunch.

Oh, God! I was
supposed to call you.

- That's right. You forgot.
- I'm...

I never forget anything.

Well, I don't think you can
ever say that again, can you?

I'm so angry at myself.

Isn't that my role
as the victim, here?

Yes, well, yeah. Yes,
you should be angry, too.

I was. But then,
I did destroy your office,

so, we're even.

Yes.
Suppose we are.

So, we could either,
I don't know, eat here

or we could eat
outside in the park?

Well, I think it might
be safer in the park.

You're funny.

What is this?

Hang on. You guys wait outside.

Can't do that.

I got a shrink
appointment here.

- Could you just wait outside?
- Ah, no.

Look, this is private,
personal.

And my doctor is very strict.

If I miss my appointment,
I'll lose my slot.

- Just give me an hour.
- No.

- Are you kidding me?
- No.

This contract that you signed,

gives us complete and total
24-hour access to your life

for the duration of the show.

If, at any point,
you deny us that access,

I have the right,
and the obligation,

to set off the alarm,

thereby terminating
your participation

in any and all future episodes
of Crash Couples.

Okay. Good.
Great, fine. Let's go.

I can explain.

- Hello... What's this?
- I can explain.

Have you forgotten about
our boundary rules?

- And you, who are you, sir?
- We're not here.

- Hiya.
- This is highly irregular.

Dr. Offerman, they're fine.

I'm involved in this project,

so, normal session.

No secrets. Please.
Let's just get going.

No secrets. Fine.

So, last week
was clearly revealing.

- How much you pay him?
- Seven hundred. Can we...

- A month?
- An hour.

- Fifty minutes, actually.
- What? That's crazy!

My girlfriend hooker
gets only three-fifty,

and she will screw you
for the whole hour!

This is a bad idea.
Doctor, I'll see you next week.

Ah, textbook avoidance.

Clearly, you're
resisting examining

why you chose to bring a woman
of this type here, today.

- What you mean by that?
- We've been exploring Jimmy's

- sexuality issues.
- This is not...

Sit, Jimmy. He doesn't
having any issues.

Oh, I beg to differ.

There are numerous signs
pointing to

Jimmy's desire
to explore his feminine side.

What?! Now, I'm thinking that
you're the mental case here.

You are hardly qualified.

I'm no qualified,
I am stripper.

I can tell if guy
is straight or homo,

when he pull into
the parking lot.

- Please, let's just...
- I know these things.

Now, let's get out of here.

You might examining why you
sucking so hard on that pipe?

And don't try to
charging Jimmy for this hour.

Wow. You stood up for me.

Of course. You're a good man.
He's Doctor Bullshit.

No one ever stands up for me.

- Can I ask you a question?
- Yeah.

Last night, when
you and that guy were

- bouncing a lot, were you...
- Oh. Were we doing it?

No, never. He can no do it.

He just hugging and breathing
a lot and falling a-sleeping.

- Oh, okay. Good.
- Why?

Nothing. I just... Nothing.

- Hey, boss.
- Yeah?

Olga.

Stop!

Oh! Oh, dammit.

- What?
- Zhopa.

- What's going on?
- Ah. Oh!

- Oh!
- What the fuck is this?

- I can explain!
- Get in the car!

What is this?

- I-I-I-I...
- Shut up! Get in the car!

- Stop that filming!
- We're not actually here.

Let's go!

You didn't cut the camera,
did you?

- No way!
- Great. Let's follow 'em.

You're quiet. You all right?

Oh, yes. I'm just enjoying...

The view.

Whoa. You're sure forgetful.

And you're funny.

You're changing.

Oh, no-no-no, don't say that.
I hate change.

Change is horrible.

I don't know why
everybody loves change.

How so? I don't understand?

I mean, everything.
Take the telephone.

A hundred years ago,
Alexander Graham Bell

invented it and it worked fine
for all those years.

- You pick it up,
- Yeah.

and you talk to whoever.
You make a date.

- You go to the movies, right?
- Uh-huh.

- Now...
- Uh-huh, okay.

Some bright spark has
invented the cell phone.

So, everybody,
instead of watching the movie,

they're calling and texting
and...

- Well...
- How can that...

How can that be better,
that change, huh?

Well, that's fine, but too
much order and routine

and, I don't know, it's like,

you lose the joy of
chaos and randomness.

I would have thought
you hated surprises.

Quite the opposite.
You know what?

They make me feel... alive.

I love it.

Are you taking my photograph?

I am.

Oh, God.

Why?

Because I'm a photographer.

How can
you see what you're taking?

Well, of course, I don't.

I shoot what I hear.

- What you hear?
- Yeah.

You see, I wasn't always blind.

I was diagnosed
when I was twenty,

with Neuromyelitis Optica.

And then, over
the next seven years, my,

well, my vision deteriorated
to the point where now,

I can only,
very vaguely, make out

traces of color and light.

So, how do you
see the photographs?

My friend describes
each one to me.

And then I choose one.

And then I record what I heard

and how I felt
the moment I took it.

- Hm.
- Mm-hmm.

You're extraordinary.

Then the viewer walks up,

presses play, and gets to
experience the moment

in the different ways
we both do.

Like you and I, here?

Yeah. Yeah.

Like you and I, here.

♪ Maybe this
time Love is true ♪

♪ I can skate across with you ♪

♪ Maybe this thin ice
Is thick enough for two ♪

♪ Maybe this thin ice
Is thick enough for two ♪

This is the craziest thing
that I am hearing.

And you were there the night
that I was visiting her?

No. I mean, yeah. I had to.

I didn't hear anything.

You thinking I am stupid?

I was under the bed,
it was muffled.

Take off the chains, kill him.

No! You can no do this!

Get off, or I kill you, too.

No! This is a good man.

- Are you loving him?
- No.

- Are you loving me?
- Nyet! Never!

Kill them both.

Zhopa! We will losing
one million dollars.

What? Say this again.

The prize is one million
for the winning.

You heard of this show?

Da. On TBS,
Monday nights at ten.

Funny show. Is Conan's lead-in.

Do I kill him?

No.

We are partners now.

I am getting sixty percent
of yours monies,

and eighty percent of yours.

Eighty? What?
That's a terrible deal!

You not dying, and making
a hundred thousand dollars

is great deal.

Well, you've got
a gun to my head. Literally.

So, I agree.

Smart man. Now,

I am figuring out how
we are winning this contest.

- Go to work.
- What? Stripping?

With this?

Is kinky. You make more monies.

Leave me alone.

These modified World War II

amphibious vehicles

are a delightful must
for all tourists.

The past and present
of American history

are brought to life by
conductors like Captain Richie.

Interesting fact, because
part of the Boston Harbor

has been filled in,
the actual site

of the Boston Tea Party
is right over there.

And now it's a Starbucks.

Captain Richie
has been giving

hysterical historical tours
for over ten years.

My jokes are older than
most of these buildings.

So, after all these years
of making people happy,

Richie fell in love
with one of his passengers.

Instant lightning bolt love.

But there's a problem.

I don't know
who or where she is.

Since they met, he's been
searching for his Cinderella.

The only clue is
that she has a tattoo

of a glass slipper
on her neck.

More than likely,
she's a tourist

who's gone back home.

Never knowing that her
true love could be right here.

Hmm. Ah. That's so sad.

Maybe not, because we're
romantics, here at Seven.

We love lovers.

So, this Saturday,
we're riding with Ritchie

to the Nashua Park steps
on the Charles River.

So, if you're Cinderella,
or if you know her,

please come join us
at five o'clock

to meet your Prince Charming.

Thanks, Gail.

And in baseball,
the Sox had a big day.

Billy Gersh is
here with highlights

♪ I punch in this morning
And checkin' my check ♪

♪ Short again ♪

♪ Man, what the heck? ♪

♪ They got me
Working overtime ♪

♪ Every Saturday ♪

♪ That's wrong
That's screwed up ♪

♪ Someone's gotta pay ♪

♪ Let me tell you, Boss
How it's gonna be ♪

♪ Workin' for you
Ain't workin' for me ♪

- What do you think?
- They're great!

Right? Best bar band in town.

Love 'em!

♪ Let me tell you, Boss
How it's gonna be ♪

♪ Workin' for you
Ain't workin' for me! ♪

Thank you, thank you, guys.
Be back in ten.

More like 15.

- Hey, Hi. I'm Jessie.
- Mack.

I've been watching
you guys for years.

- I love the band.
- Thank you. Thank you.

My friend, Liz,
at the bar over there,

is getting married soon,

and we were hoping to hire
you guys to play the wedding.

Oh, we don't play weddings.

Well, it's really not
a wedding, per se.

It's crazy party
after a wedding.

We don't do
wedding parties, either.

He's just saying that
because he knows

he looks like a dork
in a powder blue tuxedo.

We just don't play wedding
songs like "Celebration."

Cool, I get why weddings
could seem beneath you

- or cheesy or Tom Jones-y.
- Mm-hmm.

But this one is very different.

Uh-huh. Why?

Well, firstly,
it's gonna be like,

"Oh, my God!
Last night was crazy!

How did I wake up in Canada?"

"Where did I
get this alligator?"

"The only thing I remember

is that band was amaze-balls."

And secondly,
while I personally love

the song "Celebration",
you don't have to play it.

Listen, it's...

it is my first gig
as a wedding planner.

So, it has to be perfect.

And your band
is beyond perfect.

So, you guys, pretty much,
have to do it

under the universal laws
of love and romance.

Universal law.

- Yeah.
- Okay, uh...

Hold on.

I will arm wrestle you
for a yes.

You'll what?

You're bigger than me, come on.

Look at those biceps.
Seriously.

I win, I get a yes.
You pin me, I walk.

Let you enjoy your evening.

I can't say yes
without my partner

Talk to your partner...
What about your mommy?

Come on, you big baby.

All right. All right.

Okay.

One, two, three, go!

Damn, you're strong.

I really need a yes.

I really wanna
give you that yes, but...

You don't have a choice.

Ah! Whoo!

All right. No,
I made a bet and I lost it.

Listen, this is my guitar arm.

It had superpowers.
It's not fair.

Thank you for your
consideration

- Did you get 'em?
- Not happening.

It's okay, we'll get
somebody better.

- I thought they were the best.
- They are.

I told you not to hire me.

Well, here, these were
to celebrate our new band,

but now we'll just have to
celebrate your firing. Hmm.

Oh, great.
Cheers to that.

Come on. Let's
go find a new band.

Ah, I guess.
I just...

I don't know a single musician
that would take that gig, so...

Look, if it's
that big of a deal,

it could be good for the band.

- We don't do weddings.
- Yeah, but this is different.

Oh, my God. Mack,

at a wedding, no one
cares who the band is.

Everyone's drunk
and they wanna dance.

And they're gonna
ask for "Celebration"

until you play it.

And at that moment,
you're officially over.

If you could just
give us one second?

We've played together
since high school.

That's right.

Make all our decisions,

you and me, just the two of us.

She makes a good point,
all right?

Don't get all
bent out of shape.

I'm not, I'm not.
I just don't wanna

miss out on an opportunity,
you know?

We're kind of stuck here.
we could use the money.

- That's...
- Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

You're not doing this for that
chick in there though, right?

No.

Maybe.

All right. Cool.

And look, we're
not gonna play anything

from the "Kool and the Gang"
catalog. Relax, okay?

Jessie.

This is Jessie.

Hey-hey, it's Mack.

Sorry, uh, Mack?

Mack, from the band?

Oh! Hi. Hi. Sorry.

- Is this a bad time?
- Yeah, kinda, I...

Well, we're in.

In?

The wedding.

Wait, really?

I mean, that... I... Wow!

I thought, you know,
you won, I lost, and...

You know, only six-year-olds
make career choices

based on arm-wrestling matches.

Are you
calling me a six-year-old?

Yeah. But you gotta pay
in dollars, not Play-Doh.

Okay.
You drive a hard bargain,

but I can arrange that.

This is fantastic.
Mack, thank you so much!

You are saving my life.
Seriously.

I love you for this.

I have that effect on people.

Good to know. Well, great.
I'll text you the details then.

- All right. Bye.
- Bye.

Yes! Yes!

Lots of drama this week.

Two couples have
already crashed and burned.

The first one seems to be
kosher versus the kebab.

And they're done.

This you?

- That was not us.
- Beat it!

Not you?

Okay. That is us.

Next, a truly bizarre
wake-up call.

- What?
- Oh, my God!

What are you wearing?!

Oh, my God, what is that?
What is...

I have no idea
what the hell is that.

I don't know how she got in
here. I don't even know her.

- I'm a church-going lady!
- I would never wear this!

Do not push the button,
I need this million!

No! You can't pull it!

And they're done.

Beat it! Beat it!

- That was us.
- Beat it! Beat it! Beat it!

One of our couples actually
seems to be getting along.

Whoa, the shortstop
just got to second base.

But there's more. We've got

a Crash Couples exclusive
for you tonight.

The other final couple
has a secret.

It turns out Svetlana
is not a lawyer.

This is where she
passed her bar exam.

Or should I say pole exam?

Woo-hoo, looks like Jimmy

isn't her best man.

- Okay.
- He's my brother.

There's that, and there's this.

Whoop, doesn't look like

he's working on his toast
for his brother,

Robert Barton's wedding

Oh, there's a push!
And another push.

Oh!
Look out! Look at...

Oh, there's gotta be some
hair pulling in this one.

There's the hair pull!

So, we've got
the wedding trasher

and now this.

He's in the finals.
That's not bad.

It's not bad, it's terrible!

Your lead has gone from
seven points to four,

that falls within
the statistical error range.

You could lose this.

Oh, boy, here they come.

We haven't met.
Hi. I'm Robert Barton.

- Olga.
- Not Svetlana?

Is made-up name
for the privacy.

Let's cut to it. Jimmy,
you're gonna pull out of this.

- What? No way.
- What's goin' on?

Nothing, I...

He's in debt and
he's in troubles.

- Is this true?
- Kinda, yeah.

Touching, but you're
gonna cost him the election.

Why didn't you come to me?
What were you thinking?

I'm an idiot. I don't know.

Look, if you
want me to quit the show...

- We do.
- I can't!

- Why not?
- Olga. I committed to her.

- What about Robert?
- I'll keep it really low key.

No controversy, no strip bars.

I promise. I'll even
skip your wedding.

- Not good enough.
- But in the end,

it's just a game show, right?
Where's the negative in that?

I'm not gonna bail on my
brother because of a game show.

- Bev, spin this.
- What?

Look, I'm a stiff.
I have no sense of humor.

Maybe that's why
my numbers are down.

Make this fun. Make me fun.

- That's crazy.
- It is!

But won't it be fun?

Thank you!
Thank you! Goodnight.

Yoni, she's killer, right?

Yeah, she takes over, you know?

Yeah, she does.

Like it.

- What's that?
- It's got your name on it.

It's our demo.

- Oh, a demo?
- Mm-hmm.

Ah, Yoni wrote a song. So, we...

So, we recorded it
with my band.

Ah, you guys have a band?

- Yeah.
- No way.

Ah, well, uh... Not really.

We just put together
a couple guys.

You-you put together
a couple guys

and you didn't
tell me about it?

We wanted to go
in a different direction.

Wait, are you...
Are you kidding me?

Mack, chill. It's just a demo.

I am chill. But
if it's just a demo,

then why didn't you
tell me about it, Lenny?

We didn't want you to be upset.

We? We, you two we, now?

What happened to our we?

You know what? Fine.

Fine.

We can go on jury duty now.
They accept anyone.

Well surely, that's good.

It's terrible.
I mean, "Hey, I'm blind".

That was always my best excuse.

Ah! Ooh, God!

Oh, my goodness.
Are you alright?

Yeah, I think I've
cracked my knee cap.

Oh, dear, oh, God.
Welcome to my world.

Ah. Do you think
we could afford

to have the lights on a bit?

Oh, I'm sorry. Of course. Yes.

I don't use them very often,

- but there we go.
- Oh, yes.

Wow! You really look great.

Ah, here's the problem.

Coffee table.
It should be more over here.

Thank you. No, no. Huh-uh.

No, out of the traffic flow,
because...

No, actually,
it's quite good here.

Yeah. Well, I know
it's quite good here.

But I mean, it'd be
much better a bit over here.

- You know what might be fun?
- What?

Well, there's this OCD seminar

at the Convention Center
this weekend.

I know.

See, I'm laughing.

- Am I cured?
- Far from it.

Are these your pictures?

Oh. Yes, yes.

It was early evening,

I heard thunder, so,
I started to shoot the clouds,

but just then I heard
a frantic, shrill whistle.

I turned to shoot it,

it was a bicycle messenger
about to hit me.

Yeah.

And the one next to it
is actually after he hit me.

Oh, and he
doesn't look too happy.

- No.
- And this one?

Oh, yes,
the bus just missed me,

but it took out a fire hydrant.

I never realized
that photography

was an extreme sport.

They're fantastic pictures.

You're very talented.

Thank you. Hmm.

Come here.

Oh, you wanna kiss me?

I do, in the worst way.

Well, I hope not.

But let's see how it goes.

- Oh.
- Mm.

What? Are you nervous?

It's been a long time.

You're gay?

No, I'm not gay.

Then, what?

It's just, I'm... I'm insecure.

I haven't done this for...

But how insecure?

- Very insecure.
- Oh.

- Mm.
- Oh.

Oh. Ah.

Oh, Larry.

Nobody ever calls me Larry.

I do.

- Mmm.
- Yes.

Mmm.

What you doing?

I'm learning your body.

Oh, God.

I promise you, I'll start
working out tomorrow.

Yeah. Start now.

Start now.

Yeah. Your ex
sounds incredibly flaky,

how terrible for you. But
listen to me very carefully,

I don't give a shit.

You were supposed to
be here at four yesterday.

I waited until seven,
you didn't show.

You're harshing my vibe.

No dude, you're
harshing my vibe.

I'm about to hang up and call
my caterer, Lawrence Phillips.

Yeah, that...

Ah, dammit!

Hello? Just...

get here before 8:00 AM, okay?

You win. Get here at 8:00 AM
and one second, you lose.

- Okay? Thank you.
- You need some help?

Hi-ya!

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God, Mack,
I am so sorry! I...

- Are you okay? I...
- I'm sorry I scared you.

I'm sorry I maimed you.
Are you okay?

You're tough. I feel bad
for the guy on the phone.

No, don't.
It's a seated dinner.

It's a little difficult to do
without chairs.

Had to elevate
the threat level.

I just didn't think
somebody would be

eavesdropping at 6:00 AM.

No, I got here at four.
Slept in the car.

Why?

Rough night.
Got into some weirdness

and... Ah, nothin'.

I wanted to see you.

But not in a stalking way.

Lying in wait and
creeping up behind me

is really the classic
definition of stalker.

I had the crazy thought
I could come in,

and sweep you off your feet,
but you swept me off mine

So, you owe me breakfast.

I mean, oh, okay. I...

My day is insane
and just got more insane,

But yeah. Look,
give me a second,

and I could definitely
use a refill.

Ah.

Larry?

Larry?

Ah.

What...

A note?

Oh, God.

I have fallen in love with
the dumbest man in history.

Ah!

Oh! Shit!

Oh.

Okay, that barista
was so judgy.

She was like, "Is this your
second red-eye in 15 minutes?"

It's like, "Oh,
are you keeping score

- on my caffeine intake?"
- Mm. Who cares?

- Oh!
- Mm! So close.

- Here, gimme.
- Hold this. Okay.

- Oh, wow.
- Oh, yeah.

Going for the big...

You're taking this
very seriously.

- Oh!
- Yes!

- Wow. Nice shot.
- Here, it's easy.

- Try again.
- No, thanks.

- No?
- I suck at basketball

and plastic bottle
into the trash-ket ball.

I'm just a musician and
I'm fine with it, you know?

I don't have to
make the winning shot

at the buzzer every time.

I do. Every time.

With everything.

Everything's a lot.

Yeah, it's a lot.

Mm. How many of those ones
do you remember?

Hmm, definitely
the ones from middle school.

Lately, just enough.

Why don't you just
float on some of them

and just save your beautiful
energy for the big ones?

Who are you?

What?

How do you... know me?

I don't know you,
but I'd like to.

So,

I'm just coming off of

what I thought was me
getting dumped, again.

But, actually, I was more
the dumper than the dumpee.

But I think I should
take a little time

to chill and figure out
the difference between

losing to someone

and losing them.

Well, good luck with that.

I'll be watching you
from my car.

- If you need anything.
- Oh, great!

I have to go grab my guy,
the table and chair rental guy.

- Oh, yeah. You go.
- So.

- You go do that.
- Okay.

I'll... see you soon.

It was fun.

See you later.

Are these
the ones they delivered?

- Yes.
- Well, I'm not sure

they're gonna do a lot of...

Sara.

Give me a moment, will you?

This is a surprise!

Oh. Oh, I just came by

so you could read this to me.

Oh, my God! I left you a note.
I'm so silly.

Make sure you
give it back to me, though,

because I do
wanna get it framed.

So, read it. Read it, please.

"Good morning, sweetheart.

I had to go to work, but I
can't wait to see you later.

Kisses,

Larry."

Nothing about,
"I changed all the furniture

in your apartment.
So, do be careful.

You could get killed"?

- I'm so sorry.
- Oh, yeah?

Why didn't you just
move the bed next to the window

so I could plunge to my death
without getting up?

I just want to make
everything perfect for you.

Your perfect is just fine.

But it isn't gonna save me.

And obviously, you are
too blind to see that.

Here, Teddy. Let's go, Teddy.
Up, good boy.

We don't wanna
bang into anything else.

I've only got one neck,
after all.

Good, Teddy.

Uh... Uh...

♪ I leapt ♪

♪ Before I looked ♪

♪ I never learned ♪

♪ And now I'm cooked ♪

♪ Shoulda had a plan ♪

♪ Shoulda up and ran ♪

♪ I got the break-up ♪

♪ The break-up blues ♪

♪ What the hell? ♪

♪ And what the heck? ♪

♪ Seems I can't find love ♪

♪ Without risking your neck ♪

♪ Probably should have known ♪

♪ Now I'm all alone ♪

♪ I got the break-up ♪

♪ The break-up blues ♪

♪ 'Cause I got the break-up ♪

♪ I got the break-up, oh ♪

♪ I got the break-up ♪

♪ I got the break-up ♪

♪ I got the break-up ♪

♪ The break-up blues ♪

Yes? Yes?

It's me.

Who?

Larry.

I really...
I don't know a Larry.

Lawrence.

Uh-huh. Oh.

Can I come up?

Well...

Certainly.

Um...

I'm sorry.

I've messed up before and
I'll probably mess up again,

but look, don't give up on me.

Okay.

- I got you this.
- Ah?

Here.

Okay.

Hmm?

Oh.

Is this a scarf?

It's a blindfold.

- Ah?
- For me.

Open my eyes.

Let me see what you see.

Now, we go out...

Good.

Wait, wait, wait.

No, I don't... Oh, yes, I do.
One, two, three, four.

- Right. Yes!
- Now, follow it over.

Ah! What's that?

- No, smell it.
- Oh.

Oh! Okay.

- Okay, can I go home now?
- Yes.

Of course. Yes, here.

No, no. Here.

All right, all right.

Feel to your right
for the railing.

- The rail... Oh, wait...
- Ah. Don't you go!

- Ah! No, wait! Oh, God!
- Don't let go!

- Lawrence... Oh!
- Wait, wait, wait!

What... Are you okay?

- What?
- I can't, I can't, I can't!

Larry, oh, my God!
Larry! Are you okay?

Larry, Larry, don't sit.

- Oh!
- Are you all right?

- I'm fine, I'm fine.
- Okay.

I'm here. I'm waiting.

- I'm at... I don't know.
- Oh! Oh!

Okay, I'm here to help.

Are you all right?
Ah! Oh, my God!

No, no. No, don't...

Well, that was a piece of cake.

Okay, well, home at last.
How do you feel?

Exhausted.

But thrilling.

- I mean, I had no inkling
- Yeah.

- of what you went through.
- Oh, well...

But I think I'm
pretty good at this now.

- Oh!
- Oh! Oh, my God! Oh!

- Ooh.
- Uh, oh. Oh, dear.

♪ Turns out we can't be ♪

♪ Perfect in love ♪

♪ 'Cause love ain't perfect ♪

♪ No, not at all ♪

♪ Ain't no secret
Love ain't pure ♪

♪ Don't wanna miss it
That's for sure ♪

♪ The other version
Of this song ♪

♪ Turned out all wrong ♪

♪ If you don't claim love ♪

♪ The blame is on us ♪

Come on!

♪ We fell in love ♪

♪ We love the fuss ♪

♪ Jump together under the bus ♪

♪ If we don't claim love ♪

♪ Blame us ♪

♪ If love is crazy
Sign me up ♪

Oop!

♪ Check me in and lock me up ♪

- Oh! Ooh!
- ♪ If love is blind ♪

- Oh-ho. Mmm!
- ♪ Then take my sight ♪

Mm! Mm!

- Is that good?
- ♪ If love is tough ♪

♪ Let's dance all night! ♪

♪ If we don't claim love ♪

♪ If we don't claim love ♪

♪ If we don't claim love ♪

♪ The blame is on us ♪

Oh. Just keep going.

No, stop.

I was kidding. Joke

- Hey.
- Hey!

This is Zhopa.

Very nice meeting you,
Mr. Mayor.

Oh, well, I'm not mayor yet.

An election?
We could fixing that.

Thanks, I think we're good.

- This Menny.
- Manny!

- Menny.
- Menny.

- This Ivan.
- Ivan!

Ivan!

Great. Nice to meet you all.

We are late
and we are leaving.

After you.

What the heck is this?

Ah, come on!

This is bad.

This is not good.

Okay. One of the perks
about duck boating is this.

Victor, show 'em.

Hey, Prius, move it!

Drive it all the way forward.
Thank you so much!

Trying to meet
the love of my life,

no big deal. Very big deal.
Go! Go! Go!

Come on! There you go!

That wasn't so hard.

We're dead.

No, we're not.

Hey!

Hey! Hey! Hey!

Hey! Hey!

Hey, I'm Robert Barton.

I'm running for mayor.

Oh, that's weird,

'cause you
actually are running.

You have my vote, thank you.

But now I'm running late,
so, I got to go. All right?

No-no-no-no-no-no.
Wait, wait, wait!

Stop, stop, stop!

You can't go! I'm late!

- For what?
- I'm getting married!

I'm meeting my true love.

- We'll go with you.
- What?

This is
the Cinderella guy.

That's TV press up there.

With this boat,
we've got just enough time

to go pick up his woman,
then over to your wedding,

and you become the
romance king of Boston.

You wanna stop being a stiff?
Here's your chance.

We're gonna go with you!

Great! Welcome aboard!
Let's go!

Let down the ladder.
Victor, punch it!

Yes, let's go!

I love helping strangers!

All aboard, life vests on.

Who knows
if this thing still floats?

I mean, it should.
It's FDA approved.

Whatever that means.

We're heading out to sea,
hang on.

I hope you can swim.

I am not lifeguard certified.

Yeah.

- Put this over here?
- Yep.

Hey.

- Hey!
- How's it goin'?

You look amazingly calm.

Amazingly everything's
going like clockwork, so.

- No glitches?
- Nope. I'm a pro.

Been at this
a whole eight days.

I'm not surprised at all.

So, you maybe
doin' some thinking?

Yeah, I've been doing that.
Yep.

And how am I doin'?

Um...

Pretty good.

Aw, just pretty good?
Come on.

Bev?

Wait... What?

A duck boat?

Are you crazy?
You would never make it.

Bev?

Dammit!

- Glitch?
- Huge glitch.

Planning a wedding that
might not have a groom.

- Son of a bitch!
- What?

Lenny quit. I can't believe it!

- You're kidding, right?
- No.

But I'll just call
some people, okay?

- And I'll fix...
- Not kidding.

Son of a...

♪ If love is tough ♪

♪ Let's dance all night ♪

♪ Don't blame love... ♪

Sorry, could I talk to you
for one second?

Hi, I'm kind of in
the middle of somethin' here.

I understand. I'm so sorry,
just one second.

I come by here every day.
I love you, you're great.

Can you be in a band?

- Oh, I don't...
- Like, right now.

Sorry, what I meant to say
was, right now, please,

because two minutes ago,
across the street,

at my wedding...
Not my wedding...

But anyway,
half of our band just quit.

So, you could be
the new other half, and...

Just please, help me out.

I really can't
let this couple down.

It just has to be their
perfect day.

And I will carry your stuff...

I don't play in bands,
I work alone.

I get that.

I know I sound crazy.
I'm just desperate.

He comes, too.

I thought you only work alone?

I was wrong.

What's his name?

I don't know.

Mister Guitar Man,

would you care to join...

- Jordan.
- Jordan, in our new band?

- Happy to. Yeah.
- Amazing! Okay!

Where're you off to?
A gig? Need brass?

Oh, definitely.

Can I join the parade?

Why not?

It's exactly five o'clock,
and I'm here live

with our own Prince Charming

who's hoping to find
Cinderella waiting for him

right here in the park.

Romance is alive and well,
and even though

his own wedding is
scheduled at six pm tonight,

Robert Barton came here
to be part of this.

This is what makes Boston
the greatest city in the world

- and I just couldn't keep...
- Let's do this.

- We're doing this.
- Stay tuned.

There he is!

Oh!

Hey.

Is she here?

Who's to know? It's so crazy.

Everybody shutting up!

Thank you.
Now, lining up

so that Mr. Ritchie
can finding his girlfriend.

Huh? Lining up, lining up.
Go, go, go!

What would we do
without the mafia? Thank you!

- Thank you very much.
- Okay.

- Um, hi.
- Hi.

How are you? Thank you.
Thank you for coming.

- I love that. It's amazing.
- Hi!

All right.
Sorry, pal.

Actually, no,
let me get a selfie.

My mom's never
going to believe this.

Mark Wahlberg
tried to win my heart.

Bam!

Thank you so much for comin'.

Thank you. All right.

You're married, you shouldn't
be here. Go home.

Hey. On the six-pack,
I love it.

Ah! You're about to
faint for me. Okay, girl.

On the leg, no-no, it's
supposed to be on the neck.

Yeah, it's okay.

Hey, how are you guys?

Oh. That looks real.

Oh, on your wrist.
Okay.

Cool.

Hey.

She's not here.

Ladies, you are all wonderful.

If it were legal,
I'd set up a cult,

and I'd marry every one of you.

- I'll join!
- Me, too! Yeah!

Unfortunately,
we are late for a wedding.

And there's only one person

that can get us
to the church on time.

Me, Captain Ritchie.
So, I have to go.

Let's go, let's go!

Bye!

Bye!

Okay. Well,
tell him to floor it.

- Oh, my God!
- Ta-da!

Look at you!
You look like a dream!

- Jessie! This is amazing!
- Watch the stairs.

Oh, surprise.
Yeah, zero emissions.

Well, kinda.

- Close enough.
- More or less.

Okay. Here we go. Hop on.

Whoo-hoo!

Jessie, this is awesome!

You have truly
created the perfect day.

Good. Okay, ready?

- Let's get you married.
- Let's do it.

All right, we're ready.

Come on. Get up.

- How're you feeling?
- Feeling good. Yeah.

Ah!

Oh, my God!

- Are you okay?
- Yeah, I guess.

I mean, what happened?

- Uh, wow.
- Is... What?

Your train is wrapped around
the wheel spoke.

- You got it?
- No. It's stuck.

You know what? Sir,
can you back up a little bit

and just see if
we can get it to unwind?

Stuck. She won't move.
Can't go forward or back.

- This is a disaster.
- One second.

- Hey, you guys. Need some help?
- Hi.

I don't know. Jessie, do you...

The wedding trasher
strikes again.

Hey! That girl is my friend.

Okay, you don't talk to
my friend like that.

If you do, I will show you
the dictionary definition

of the word "trasher.".
You get it?

- Yes, ma'am.
- Apologize to her!

I'm sorry.

Now beat it before
I wrap your tricycle

around your fat head!

You! Stop!

Young lady, can I count on
your vote in November?

Was this on the registry?

Bev, you did it! I love you!

Ooh! And I,
much to my amazement,

am quite fond of you.

I've gotta go.

You are a hero.
I can't thank you enough.

My pleasure, man.

Sorry about your girl.

She wasn't my girl.

Was just...

Crazy love.

It's all crazy.

Look, my bride,

three mafia goons,

and my brother
chained to a stripper.

But in the end,
you got the girl.

Come with me.
It's gonna be a great party.

I'm good, thank you.

Okay. Thanks again.

Hey.

Don't give up on the crazy.

That's what makes love...

Love.

I've never seen
an avocado do that.

So, remember, Robert,

when you hook up to
the old ball and chain,

don't do it like I did.

She's got the balls
and I've got the chain.

Hey, everybody!

How we doing?

All right. Thank you all
so much for coming.

This is my first wedding,
and hopefully my last.

Um...

And this great event
was created by Jessie English.

Who, thankfully,
decided not to parachute

through the top of a tent.

But seriously, Jessie,
thank you so much.

Hey, what about me?

Oh, I'm sorry, and you are?

Have a good time, everybody!

Well, speaking
of new marriages,

"Celebration"!

We don't know how to play it.

"Celebration."

♪ Yahoo! ♪

♪ It's a celebration ♪

♪ Yahoo! ♪

- What's wrong?
- ♪ It's a celebration ♪

♪ Celebrate good times
Come on! ♪

Look at that.

♪ It's a celebration ♪

It's perfect.

♪ Celebrate good times
Come on! ♪

It's really not perfect.

Oh, look at the two of them.

If that's not perfect,
then it doesn't need to be.

You did good, kid.

Thank you, Larry.

Oh, no. Only...

There's only one person
who calls me Larry.

- Oh, really?
- Oh, yeah.

If you keep up
this nice guy crap,

everybody's
gonna call you Larry.

♪ Celebrate good times
Come on! ♪

♪ It's a celebration! ♪

♪ Celebrate good times
Come on! ♪

♪ Ooh, it's a celebration! ♪

♪ There's a party going on
Round here ♪

♪ A celebration to last
Throughout the year ♪

♪ So, bring your good times
And your laughter too ♪

♪ We're gonna celebrate
Your party with you ♪

♪ Celebration ♪

♪ Let's all celebrate
And have a good time ♪

♪ Celebration ♪

♪ Oh, we're gonna celebrate
And have a good time ♪

♪ It's time to come together ♪

♪ It's up to you
What's your pleasure ♪

♪ Everyone around the world
Come on! ♪

♪ Mm, it's a celebration! ♪

♪ Yahoo! ♪

- ♪ It's a celebration! ♪
- ♪ Whoo! ♪

♪ We're gonna have
A good time tonight ♪

♪ Let's celebrate,
It's all right ♪

♪ We're gonna have
A good time tonight ♪

♪ Let's celebrate,
It's all right ♪

♪ Yeah, we're gonna have
A good time tonight ♪

♪ Let's celebrate ♪

♪ Celebration ♪

♪ Oh, we're gonna celebrate
And have a good time ♪

♪ Celebration ♪

♪ Let's all celebrate
And have a good time ♪

♪ We're gonna have
A good time tonight ♪

♪ Let's celebrate
It's all right ♪

♪ Yeah, we're gonna have
A good time tonight ♪

♪ Let's celebrate
'Cause it's all right ♪

♪ It's time to come together ♪

♪ It's up to you
What's your pleasure? ♪

♪ Everyone around the world
come on! ♪

♪ Mm, it's a celebration! ♪

All right! Hold it down!

Hold it down! Let's
just get this over with.

Final show. Crash Couples.

Someone walks away with a mill.

Someone walks away with bupkis.

The results are in.

Tiny and Shaq have been
leading the voting

for the last five days.

Which means you two

have been getting
your asses kicked.

But...

A giant tidal wave
of last minute votes

produced
an impossible comeback.

The winners are

Jimmy and Svetlana!

That was us.