Love Struck Sick (2019) - full transcript

(dramatic music)

(upbeat music)

- [Angie] The winters in Iowa are hard,

but still quite beautiful.

I guess the cold is a cover charge

for living in an area
that has four seasons.

The falls are wonderful.

Summers are great,

and the springtime is the
absolute best time in Iowa.

I love Iowa in the springtime.

♪ This town ♪



♪ Walk back down and I'm
coming around again ♪

♪ If I could talk, I'd tell you ♪

♪ If I could smile, I'd let you know ♪

- [Clint] I am a 23-year-old
college graduate.

I work in an office.

I like it enough, I guess.

I hope they keep me here,
then I can work my way up.

I wanna be a successful
businessman one day.

Like a family.

Like, uh, in the old sitcoms.

I have trouble closing a sale, though.

I am trying, and it'll get better.

(upbeat music)

I grew up here in Cedar Falls, Iowa.



I was raised mostly by this woman.

She went to the same church as my parents.

I was also watched out for by my uncle.

People call him The Boss.

My parents were tragically killed,

but arrangements were
made for the saintly woman

to take care of me in the
event that anything happened.

And it did.

I was too young to remember,
but from what I have heard,

they were the best.

My uncle tells me all the time

how great my mother and father were

and how much everyone misses them.

They thought my uncle
wouldn't have been the best

influence on me growing up.

He owns an adult book store
and strip club in town.

Not the best environment
to be brought up in.

He helps watch over me

and make sure that the
sweet old church lady

has everything needed to raise
a good Christian gentleman,

as he puts it.

(upbeat music)

- [Angie] I am 23 years old.

I never knew my parents,

I was in foster care most of my life,

until I ended up here in Waterloo, Iowa,

living with a distant cousin that I found

I know very little about my family.

This is it.

A cousin.

She is very Christian, and
goes to church twice a week,

and Bible study every Friday morning.

She took me in and is a wonderful woman,

a selfless woman, who is
always thinking of others.

I graduated college, but I work here.

(upbeat music)

This is my boss.

His name is Jorge.
- Ah, Dude, what the fuck?

- [Angie] People call him Jorge,
the Pissed Off Pizza Cook.

(bell dings)
- You know what?

I noticed you don't have
any White Zin on the menu.

Come on, honey.

Let's get with the program.

- We don't have any fucking White Zin.

Why are you asking?

You sideways wannabe fuck.

And chewing gum while asking about the pH.

pH my sorted nuts, puto.

Stupid fuck.

- [Angie] But deep down,
he is a big teddy bear.

Just very passionate about
the art of Neapolitan pizza.

- Hey, Angie, what can
I get for you, sweetie?

- [Angie] My passion is music.

I have written a few songs,

but still haven't been
able to perform one yet.

I have stage fright.

Maybe someday I'll be able to do it.

(upbeat music)

I love this bridge.

I always come here when I'm a little down,

and it always makes me feel better.

I flip pennies off of it
into the Cedar River below,

make little prayers and wishes.

I told someone once that I did this,

and they said it was stupid.

No wish has ever come true

on the Fourth Street Bridge in Waterloo.

Well, that just means it's due for some.

♪ The most imaginary friend ♪

- [Clint] I come to this bridge sometimes.

I, I don't know why.

It makes me happy.

Every time I come here, I
feel better about things.

I know no one should ever go to a bridge

when they're depressed,

but I like this place for some reason.

♪ Imaginary friend ♪

- [Angie] I've been dating,

but it's hard.

Still a virgin.

I wanna fall in love before I
would ever decide to do that.

(mellow music)

- [Clint] I'm still a virgin,

and it sucks.

I would like to fall in love
before I lose it, you know,

like the way it really should be.

But a 23 year old male
virgin while my uncle

owns a strip club?

That's just pathetic.

- [Angie] I get plenty of
advice from church people.

- I just been through my second
round of conversion therapy.

I knew it work this time.

I didn't even come close to a
truck stop bathroom in months.

- I had just been through
my third stint of rehab,

and I never wanted a
drop of bourbon again.

I was through with that.

- We were at the ice cream
social at the Fellowship Hall,

and I was part of the variety show,

and that's where we fell in love.

- Yes, he did the Mary Magdalene song

from Jesus Christ Superstar.

What was that song called again, honey?

- "I Don't know How To Love Him."

- [Angie] Church people.

- I fell in love youth pastor.

I married right away.

Six months later,

I had a baby.

All at the age of 17.

- What about that Stewart boy?

He's a nice man.

- Well,

he's 45.

Been divorced twice, but
he's had some bad luck.

- Well, that's what you get
for marrying a Methodist.

- Better find yourself a
fella before it's too late.

- She's right.

Once that first cat gets in your house,

it can go downhill fast.

- Right.

You don't wanna end up like Blanche.

- That was the worst potato
salad I ever had at a funeral.

- [Both] Sad.

- [Angie] And more church people.

- I met my wife at a church function

and I asked her God-fearing
wonderful Lutheran parents

for permission to begin a courtship.

Now we fell in love and
promptly were married,

and seven months later she
gave birth to our daughter,

and just like that, we
are a Christian family.

Later that year, she
graduated high school,

and began the life that
God had planned for her

as a loving wife and mother.

And it all happened when
we made the decision

to go to that same church
social on a Wednesday night

all those years ago.

For all the singles in our congregation,

we're having an ice cream
social this coming Wednesday

in the Fellowship Hall.

- [Clint] I have had all
types of advice on this

from all types of people.

Teachers.

- Basically, I don't believe in love.

It's trivial.

I've had several men fall in love with me,

and it usually ends as
quickly as it began.

Their wives find out.

- [Clint] College professors.

- Love

is

divine.

Quite literally,

a divination of the God above

parlayed upon his specimen here on Earth.

- Remus?

I do respect you as a man,
as a man of intelligence,

but I must

respectfully disagree.

(groans)

For I must caution the
viewers against love,

as it is nothing but lust in disguise.

(groans)

For our Neanderthal brain all
the way up to the singularity,

it is nothing but a trick to get us

to co-mingle and procreate.

- Pemus, if love were simply
to propagate the species

by way of procreation,

why then does it feel so good

when my wife pegs my butthole?

- Remus, the same reason
why it feels so good

for a grown woman to squeeze my face

between her thick thighs.

Because we're fetish freaks.

- [Director] All right, cut!

Take five, everybody, take five.

- Man, I thought we'd
be out of here by now.

- I know.

Well, it takes forever.

These guys don't know what the
hell they're talking about.

- Right?
- Yeah.

- It's like they're two professors
talking about how you can

learn about love from some book.

Like that's the answer
to, if that was real--

- Yeah.
- I think we would all be

perfectly happy right now.
- Exactly.

- It doesn't make any sense.
- You can't define love.

- Right, that's what I
try to tell everyone.

- It's an experience.

Like, you can't just
quantify love with a manual.

- Exactly.

- It's not, it's poetry.

It's not linear, it's, it's experiences.

It's people, it's connecting
on some intimate level

you just can't write about,
you can't read about it.

You have to feel it.

- We should be doing what they're doing.

- I know. (laughing)
- I mean--

- Well, you should.
- What?

- Nothing.

(mellow music)

- Do you maybe, are you,
are you free this weekend?

It just sounds like we
have a lot of the same

thoughts on stuff.

It would be nice to

talk to someone.
- You know what, yeah, I am.

I am free.

Yeah, that sounds good.

- Cool.

(mellow music)

- [Director] Look alive, people.

Five, four, three.

Ready and action.

- Shall we name them off?

Jimmies, rubbers, raincoats, sheepskin,

you can use almost anything.

- So long as you don't stick your willy

in the laminator at your
middle school on lunch break,

you can have safe sex
without ruining your cock.

- Like we did.

- [Clint] And drunks.

- All you have to do is
meet a girl at the bar.

I don't discriminate: white, fat, Asian.

- Asian, yeah, (chuckles) Asian.

- I'll fuck a Pokémon if she look good.

- Damn right.

Look, you meet someone at
the bar, take them home,

all you have to do is have sex.

- Tear it up.

No man.

- You right man.
- That's all.

- Have some sex, have some kids.

Get pinned on child support.
- Hey.

Extended-stay hotels the
rest of your life, dude.

- What Joe Rogan said.

(mellow music)

- [Angie] I have never been in love.

So I really don't know
what it would be like.

People just always say you'll know.

It's like that song by Skott Green.

He's a musician from here.

He's in a band, Dead Writer.

He has a song that is
called Love Struck Sick.

Love that song, but there's
just something missing.

- [Clint] I don't know what
it means to be in love.

I've never been in love.

From what I've been told,
I'll know when it happens.

I wanna fall in love at first sight.

It just seems like the easiest way.

Right away.

The least amount of work
like winning the lottery.

- [Angie] Tonight, I am
at the Catacombs Lounge

below Galleria de Paco in Waterloo, Iowa

waiting for my date.

- [Clint] Tonight, I'm
at the Galleria de Paco

in Waterloo, Iowa waiting for my date.

- [Both] Who knows, this could be the one.

(mellow music)

- [Angie] Did he say a different night?

He is an older guy.

He's probably got a lot going on.

Is this the right place?

- [Clint] She is an older woman.

Maybe she's running late.

She did say Galleria de Paco, right?

- [Angie] He seemed nice
when he asked me out.

He's not coming.

I've been stood up.

This hurts.

- [Clint] (groans) Christian Mingle sucks.

Brock said something about Grindr?

I don't know about that.

That's it.

I'm officially stood up.

I'm gonna go drink,

and then get the Uber
Jew to drive me home.

(mellow music)

♪ Now I'm walking again ♪

♪ To the beat of a drum ♪

♪ And I'm counting the steps
to the door of your heart ♪

♪ Only shadows ahead ♪

♪ Barely clearing the roof ♪

♪ Get to know the feeling
of liberation and release ♪

- [Vincent] I'd recommend a Scotch.

In fact, get this gentleman a 15-year-old

Glenfiddich on the rocks, and
I'll have another as well.

- [Bartender] All right,
you got it, Vincent.

- Thank you, Vincent, is it?

- Vincent, yes indeed.
- Very nice to meet you.

Are you by chance The Don?

- Yes, some people do call me The Don.

You know, I don't mind
that nickname that much.

When I was a youngster about your age,

there was a banker in my hometown

that bought me my first glass of Scotch.

Thank you.

- Where are you from?

- Oelwein.

Oelwein, Iowa.

The banker's name was Don Bennachie.

He owned and operated
the Maynard Savings Bank.

It was in Hazleton, a little
ways away from Oelwein.

He was a

consummate gentleman.

He was the only one that
would extend a mortgage

to my mom and dad on our home.

But (sighs) the summer between
my junior and senior year,

my father

suffered from a sudden heart attack.

And I was real

mixed up.

I had been crying for about

three weeks, you know.

And

I was so confused, I
didn't know what to do.

And I finally decided

the only thing I'm gonna be
able to do is to quit college.

I'm gonna have to quit college,
I'm gonna have to get a job,

and I'm gonna have to help my mom out

any way that I possibly can.

And then the door to the
Paddock Lounge opens,

and all that mid-afternoon Iowa sunshine

pours through and in walks

Don Bennachie.

Oh, and he was a sharp looking guy.

Had a blue suit, you know,
cuff links, wingtip shoes,

monogrammed shirt collars,
and twin cloth handkerchiefs,

monogrammed DWB, Donald William Bennachie.

- Wow.

- See, he'd heard from my mom

that I was planning on quitting school.

So, he comes up to the bar,
and he scoots a stool up,

and the bartender gives him
a Cutty Sark on the rocks.

So, he orders a second glass of Cutty,

and he puts it in front of me,

and he says, "Here you go, this is Scotch.

"This is a gentleman's drink."

He says, "I wanna talk
to you about school."

He says, "Your father is
a very intelligent man,

"and he made sure that he
had certain things in place.

"He understood the
importance of life insurance.

"So, he made sure that if
anything happened to him,

"that you and your mother
would be taken care of."

And he told me what a
great guy my father was,

how much that he would miss him,

and he told me that
everything would be okay.

So, I...

I finished college.

And that's where I got my nickname.

You know, I was this Italian
kid from Oelwein, Iowa,

and all of my dorm mates, they'd seen

way too many of those mafia movies,

so they called me The Don as a joke.

But you know, I didn't...

I didn't mind it that much.

'Cause every time I heard it,

it reminded me of our
family friend, you know.

Then when I graduated, Don handed me a

plain card, you know,

cash inside, but he'd
written only one line:

"Your father would be so proud.

"DWB."

(mellow music)

So, keep your head up, Clint.

You might wanna see about a hair cut.

(mellow music)

♪ It's time I said these words ♪

♪ I had to write them down ♪

♪ Tonight we'll talk like birds ♪

♪ I found you ♪

♪ And my heart starts to pound ♪

♪ The river's long ♪

♪ We'll meet in the middle and swim ♪

♪ I almost drown ♪

♪ Now I'm breathing again ♪

♪ When my world starts spinning round ♪

♪ When my bonfire lights the wind ♪

♪ When my feet fly off the ground ♪

♪ You met me ♪

♪ I found you ♪

♪ You've got a lot of nerve ♪

♪ To make my rain cloud burst ♪

♪ It's not an easy task, I've heard ♪

♪ Dropped in a play ♪

♪ And it's unrehearsed ♪

♪ The river's strong ♪

♪ We'll meet in the middle and swim ♪

♪ I almost drown ♪

♪ Now I'm breathing again ♪

♪ When my world starts spinning round ♪

♪ When the bonfire lights the wind ♪

♪ When my feet fly off the ground ♪

♪ You met me ♪

♪ I found you ♪

♪ I love you ♪

♪ I've fallen love struck sick ♪

- [Producer] Hey Skott, what do you think?

- I like it.

I don't know, there feels like there's

still something missing on this song.

♪ Soon as I get my head round you ♪

- [Angie] This is the Lava Lounge

on the corner of Falls Avenue
and Ansborough in Waterloo,

Iowa, right next to the
famous Rudy's Tacos.

♪ Living just won't do ♪

- Pretty in Pink?

Gotta say, I'm more of
a Mannequin guy myself.

- [Angie] This is Harry the Hipster.

(bell dings)
He prefers Harold.

He is here every Friday.

He just moved back from
Des Moines recently.

He lived in a loft above Gong Food He,

but they went out of business recently,

and a Starbucks took over that location.

Also, an Applebee's
opened across the street.

Harold promptly moved back to Waterloo.

He now lives in a
post-World War II bungalow,

original kitchen in pristine condition.

Harold is content.

- Come on, man, McCarthy?

- Always.
- He was crossing

boundaries on this, social economics, man.

John Hughes, he was, you know,

getting the punks and
the elitists together

to go ahead and realize
they didn't have too much

apart from each other.

What did Mannequin ever do?

- Inspire me.

Love knows no bounds.

Not even a mannequin.

- Bros?

- What's up?
- Hey that guy,

That guy looks a lot like you.

- [Man] Shut up, that
fucking pickle kisser?

- Yeah.

- [Crowd] Brock!

- Just less, you know,

beard attempt.

- [Man] Coolness.

- Surely.

- A regular fucking James Dean.

- You're no McCarthy

in Weekend at Bernie's 2.

♪ Me to blame ♪

♪ Makes you wanna feel ♪

♪ Makes you wanna try ♪

♪ Makes you wanna blow
the stars from the sky ♪

- I just had to defend
a public masturbator.

A public masturbator!

- [Angie] This is Abigail.

She works as a public defender now.

She went to Drake University Law School.

She moved back here after her divorce.

She watches over her grandmother.

She is the best council
anyone could ask for.

People at the courthouse call her

The Honey Badger.

- Like really?

- Yeah.
- Son of a bitch.

- [Angie] This is Lily.

She is a political analyst.

- I went on a date with an agnostic

from Missouri last night.

Literal perfection.

I mean, a guy from the Show
Me State that believes,

that believes, there is
a God if you show him.

- [Clint] This is the Beer Hall,

on the corner of Falls
Avenue and Ansborough,

in Waterloo, Iowa, within
the Falls Avenue Mall,

right next to the famous Rudy's Tacos.

- Oh, what a day, what a day.

Throw two coaches out,

couple fans come at me at half-time,

two technicals on the players.

We got somebody keeping score

that's never been to a
basketball game before.

Junior high girl's basketball
has become a bloodsport.

(laughing)

- What do you got today?

- I got, I gotta get off to
my next, my next set of games.

- What do you got?

- I got volleyball tonight.

- Is that hard?

- Oh, it's really hard.

You can't get caught
looking at the girls' asses

in them tight shorts.

You occasionally gotta
get a line call right,

and then they expect
me to stay sober enough

to climb up on that damn pole.

(laughing)

I'm outta here.

- Good luck, Glenn.
- Good luck, Glenn.

- So, I started Fighter Body this week.

Shit's fucking intense, man.

I've done like 150
squats, like 75 burpees.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa, burpees?

What the hell is a burpee?

- A burpee is a full on pushup

all the way down to the ground,

stand up, jump, and then back down.

- Sounds like too much work for me.

- So, you trying to fit into
a bridesmaid dress, or what?

- Hope it's not that ugly,
strapless, form shit.

Man, that shit is ugly.
- (laughs) Yeah, no kidding.

- No, I'm just turning
30, and I wanna look good.

- I'll be honest, you already look good.

I'll fuck you right now.
- Yeah, yeah, you're right.

- Evening gentlemen.
- Hey, look at the hair.

Oh God, that looks great.

- [Clint] This is my uncle, The Boss.

Most uncles sell cars,

work in a bank, or manage
a restaurant somewhere.

Mine though?

Smut merchant.

- Hair looking good, finally.

- [Cling] This is Brock.

Or as he likes to refer to himself as

- Brock the Cock.

- I refuse to address him as this.

He's an alpha male.

The type of guy who slaps
his date on the butt,

and tells bartenders
they need to smile more.

But

he's gay.

So, he gets away with it all.

Toxic masculinity complex is
acceptable for a homosexual.

He's like a UN ambassador
with diplomatic immunity.

American gay men are a
protected species now,

like bald eagles.

It goes bald eagle, snow owl,
North American homosexual.

Thank you, thank you.

Hey, can I get a Scotch?

- Whoa!

Scotch?
- Drinking like a man

and a new haircut?

Did you go to the barber
and tell him, "Hey,

"I wanna quit looking like an asshole?"

- Well, you know what,

both of these changes came
from one very influential man.

- [Brock] I'd like to think it was me.

- You know, actually,

he was joking on your
hair earlier about the,

what was that, the--
- Well, you know, seriously.

- The 80s movie with the--
- Okay, seriously,

I wanted to say that you
look like Rocky Dennis

with the hair, where you're like,

"Things that I like."
- Oh, come on.

- Yeah.
- "The sun on my face."

- You gotta be kidding me.

- "Things that I don't
like, the snap of a camera,

"the horrified sounds of a crowd."

- What was that, was it Mask?
- It was the Mask, yeah.

- Cher was in that.

Who was the, who was the guy?

He just was up for the Oscar.

Was it Sam Elliot?
- Sam Elliot.

- Yeah.
- Yeah, it was Sam Elliot.

- Yeah.

We're gonna go to Europe, man.

(laughing)

Yeah, he was, he was doing the--

- You can go anywhere you want, baby.

- God that was sad at the end.

But yeah, he was joking on your hair.

- Nah, fuck that man.

It was the end of fucking Frankenstein

that they should have had, the freak died.

- Mom says I look like a lion.
- Well, she was lying.

You look like a fucking monster.

- What, you're drinking Scotch now?

This is awesome.
- Yeah.

- This is great.

You got a haircut, you're drinking Scotch.

I'm proud of you.

This is good.

- You know what,

I was at Galleria de Paco--
- Oh God it's great, isn't it?

- Yeah, yeah, for the most
part, but I got stood up there.

- Oh, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
- Yeah, yeah.

I know that sucks, it sucks.

There's nothing worse

because I sit there, and I waste my time.

- I've never had a bad date there.

- That's a good place to eat.

- I went downstairs, and I
ran into The Don, actually.

- Ooh.

Really?
- Good man.

- Yeah.

- You made friends with The Don.

- Yeah.

He's the one who advised the haircut and

introduced me to this fine--
- So being stood up

was the best thing that
could have happened to you

if you made friends with The Don.

Those are the people you
need to know in this time.

I'm proud of you.

That's great.

That's a great man.
- Yeah.

- Good work.

So, what happened with the date?

- She just, I don't know.
- No call, no show?

- Yeah. (sighs)

I didn't hear anything from her.

She was an older lady.

I don't know what was going on.

- Cougar?

- Yeah, I, I don't know if I
should ask about that, but--

- Yeah, never really ask that.

- Yeah.
- Seriously.

- Brock, do you really, I mean, well--

- And if she's too old,
dude, let's be honest.

That's a fucking saber tooth tiger.

That's prehistoric
pussy, don't go for that.

- Do the gays have that?

Do have, like, cougars, or
what do they do with the gays.

- Yeah, there's some people that are like,

one of the old gays, you know, and then,

I usually say to them, uh,
they're like, "I'm 61 years old."

I'm like, Jesus Christ, I didn't even know

they made gay people back then.

(laughing)

- You go on a lot of dates.

What is, yeah, I mean,
what is going on with that?

I mean, what--
- I'm 23 years old, right.

I, I feel like it's about time
I find my special someone.

Let me ask you guys.

Have either of you ever been in love?

- I think I was once, I don't really know.

- Yeah.

Yeah, I was once.

- You were in love?
- Yeah.

- Wanna tell us about it?

- The best five minutes of my life.

(groaning) Oh God!

- Eww.

I don't know, don't be
so hard on yourself, man.

Like I guess,

you know when you know, like when

that musician in town, that, that,

that brilliant musician,
the guy that's in that band

Dead Writer?

- Skott Green.

- Yeah, yeah, he has got
that song, what is it?

"Lovesick Struck"? Or--

- "Love Struck Sick."

- "Love Struck Sick."

- Yeah, he pretty much lays it out.

- Captures the imagination
of the whole town.

Mine is the glory hole
experience for me personally but,

he does nail it.

- Okay the glory hole is referring to,

I can't confirm nor deny that it exists

in one of my establishments--

- Yeah but that's sort of
sense of being mysterious

adds enough sexual
ambience to it, you know?

- He spends so much
money down at that place,

I can't confirm or deny that those exist--

- Look man, I can't be banging
people at my house anymore,

then they know where I live.

- I can't confirm or
deny that this happens

at one of my establishments.

- Well, what's the legality
of having one of those

in an establishment?
- I can't confirm or deny

that this happens at one
of my establishments.

- The legality?

Let's just talk about how hot it is.

- Hey, will you do it?

- Do what?

- Come on.

Do the R Kelly.
- Yes, yes, do it.

R Kelly man.

- Sometimes you guys be racist, man.

(all laughing)

- Come on.
- Come on.

- Do it.

- They just want me to be a monster, man!

I didn't do it man!

All you have to do is go to Instagram

and post a picture of R
Kelly stealing a puppy

and everybody gonna say,
R Kelly is a monster.

I don't have the money
to pay the child support.

- I love it, man, I love it!

- I'm 14, will you pee on me?
(laughing)

- Well boys, I'm off to another
dick daggle, so they say.

- I would shake your hand but--

- [Brock] I wouldn't.

- Have a good night Brock.
- See ya Brock.

I like that guy.

- What a character, my God.

So you met The Don, huh?

- Yeah, speaking of characters,
he's something else, man.

He's something else.

- Did he tell you any stories?

- Yeah, actually.

- Which one did he tell ya,
which one did he tell ya?

- He hit me with the Don Bennachie one.

- Yeah, that's a good one.

He's told me that one before.

You know I knew Don Bennachie.

Met him a few times.

God damn.

It's exactly what he needed to hear.

He tell you the part about where he got

the card from Don Bennachie
at his graduation?

And said his father would be proud.

- Yeah.

- Probably changed his life,
you know, hearing that.

Now we have him here.

God, you know, everyone
good son deserves to hear

that their father is proud, at least once.

He never got to hear from
his dad actually, you know?

My father told me he was proud of me once,

that was the greatest day of my life.

I can remember everything about it.

Obviously it was way before
I owned these businesses.

I can remember what the
wallpaper looked like

in that restaurant, I can remember what

the coffee tasted like,
and my father, he told me,

he was proud of me, that was
the greatest moment of my life.

That, that...

God dammit buddy, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

- It's all right, it's all right.

- Every good son deserves
to hear at least once

that their father is proud.

- [Clint] When dating,
you will go out with--

- [Angie] All sorts of characters.

- [Both] Like:

- [Angie] Swipe Right Guy.

The type that throw out a big net for any

and all women on Tinder.

- You have really nice
hands, do you moisturize?

I've got a really nice
basement, you should come over.

I think you'd really like it.

- [Clint] Non-binary girls or people or,

I don't know, I know I'm
wrong but either way I lose.

- That's my dog Winston.

- Aw, looks like such a good boy.

- Wait, did you just
assume my dog's gender?

You're a typical agent
of the patriarch society.

Brainwashed and programmed
to carry out misogyny.

How dare you not allow my
child Winston to choose

their gender, what kind
of monster are you?

- [Angie] Cul-De-Sac Hip-Hop Guy.

The guy who is white and
lives in a good neighborhood

but talks like a gangster rapper.

- Yo, shorty.

45 is gonna be a prime year for your boy.

My album's gonna drop,

I'm gonna move out of my mom's basement.

I'll be buying you Red
Lobster every Sunday.

Cheddar Bay biscuits baby girl.

You know I like my girls
a little bit thicker

but ya ight.

- [Clint] Cell Phone Girls.

Just girls, who go on
their cellphones, a lot.

So, what do you do?

- I'm a Instagram influencer.

- [Clint] Cool, cool, how
many followers do you have?

- A couple, few thousand, I don't know.

- That's cool.

Do you, what are you uh, take pictures of?

- [Cell Phone Girl] Myself.

- Nice.
- Like this.

Do you like it?

- That's really good, yeah I like.

So, what do you think
about the moon landing?

That shit didn't happen, right?

Yeah?

- Oh my God, my friend
went to Disney World.

- Yeah, (sighs) you're right,
Stanley Kubrick did direct it.

How 'bout 9/11?

9/11, right?

Jews did it.

Bush was behind it all, right, yeah?

How did building 7 fall down?

Wasn't hit by a plane.

You think a plane could
melt steel beams, you know?

Jet fuel doesn't melt steel beams--

- Look at what you would
look like if you had a beard

and a hat.

- (sighs) How about
the pyramids, you know?

There's no way that the
Egyptians could have

built the pyramids with the
technology they had at the time.

- [Angie] Guy Who Don't
Know They Are Gay Yet.

- Everybody says that
I remind them of Edward

from Twilight and I can
see that you also think

that I'm like Edward from Twilight.

I understand.

I'm not Robert Pattinson.

I wish that I was, with
his big strong arms,

just like wrapping you up,
making you feel all warm

and safe and cozy inside.

So, like, my name's Tyler
but my friend Tyler,

you may have met him,
he's like kinda handsome,

you know, strapping, like,
broad shoulders, you know.

Really, really handsome.

I don't think you understand
it, he is very handsome.

No?

Okay, that's fine, anyway,
so he turned me on to

this idea called pegging?

Do you know what that is?

It's where, like a guy,
so get this, this is wild

and you know, I'm not like
super into this sort of thing

but I'll try anything
once, I always say that,

I think that's the
motto of the Boy Scouts.

And that's where I learned it.

- [Clint] Narcissistic Mean Women.

Brock has another word
for them, it's shorter

and to the point.

- Cunts.

- I never come to Waterloo, I always go to

the Ceder Falls Brown Bottle
and if you're lucky enough

to get a second date with
me, we can only come here

when it's light outside.

I haven't been around
this many minorities since

my last DUI.

I think I went to high
school with that loser.

Quit staring at me you soy boy beta cuck.

(mellow music)

- [Clint] There are only a few
places to go on a first date

in the Ceder Valley.

The Brown Bottle.

The Waterloo one,

the Ceder Falls one is
flooded this time of year.

- I'm just gonna get a little comfier,

are you okay with that?

Are you into feet?

I think you should smell this.

I sprayed it with some Febreze.

Mm, you like that?

Warms me up.

How's your breath?

When I like to get eaten
out, I like a mint.

Thank you.

You know, I'm into some pretty fun things.

Like, now then,

bus driver,

Mississippi diver.

You not heard of those?

One of my favorites is
the Milwaukee blizzard.

Oh, sweetie, you don't need to freak out,

momma will take good care of you.

- Hi there.

- Hi.

- Thanks for joining me.

So, tell me a little bit about yourself.

(elevator music)

- Well, I'm just working right now.

- Okay, where at?

- [Angie] I'm a waitress.

- Oh, cool, awesome.

Low self-esteem and stuff
then, that's awesome.

Where do you work, where
do you waitress at?

- [Angie] Um--

- That's cool, that's awesome.

What's the hardest part about it?

- [Angie] Well, I mean, you're
walking, running around--

- Oh, yeah, definitely, I can see that.

I can see that.

Do you want something to drink?

Can you drink?

- Um--
- Fruit smoothie?

Shirley Temp?

I like a Shirley Temp from time to time,

I do a Dirty Shirley.

I can get you a drink here
probably, if you want.

Be gnarly.

- Um, I'm fine, I'll just--

- If you like, it can be
a B&J wine cooler, maybe?

Something?

Have you ever had vatorade?

Vodka Gatorade?

Sipping that, you know,

in geometry class or something (chuckles).

Maybe?

No?

- I'm not sure.

- What do they drink on Laguna Beach?

Or what are you kids watching these days?

Real World.

- Okay so I have a
question, serious question.

I've never had sex with
an uncircumcised male.

Are you circumcised or not?

I'd really like to feel it.

I have a friend, she says her husband

is not circumcised, she said
because of that extra skin,

it gives it that extra
mmph of a sexy feeling.

So, what do you have?

Oh, also,

size-wise?

I can't go too big because, you know,

I like the thickness of a dick.

How's your ball smacking ability?

Do you like to turn it around?

Or, I can be on top the whole time.

That is absolutely not a problem,
I do a lot of ab workouts.

Lots of workouts.

I'll take care of you.

- So, I'm thinking about maybe going back

to my place tonight and
painting or something?

From the looks of things,

I don't know what your hobbies are,

it just looks like maybe, painting?

Singing?

Dancing?

Artsy something.
- Art, yeah.

- Yeah, totally, yeah, I
feel that, I feel that.

- Okay.

- So, maybe we just grab
some wine after this?

What do you think?

- I don't care, I'm probably just gonna...

Go.

- Yeah, go?

Let's go then.

We'll just get out of here.
- Not right now.

- You can come back to my place.

No, not right now?

We'll wait, we'll get food first.

Good food here, you know, you
can order whatever you want.

Just try to keep it under, like, 45.

If you can.

(chuckles) or if you can't, either way.

Yeah, I made an app, have you
been on, have you seen it?

It's a Bible study app.

You can meet up, get
on your knees and pray,

you know what I mean?

Just the good Lord's name,

coming right out of your
mouth, just oh God, oh God,

oh Lord, yes Lord, hard
Lord, you know what I mean?

- You're not allergic to cats are you?

I kinda have a cat thing.

That is a fetish.

Have you not heard of the meowing fetish?

Meow.

I like having people pet me, mm.

- Hi there, yes, ill have the cesar salad

and I think the lady will
have the meatball sub,

don't cut it, big, two,
full double-hander,

big hefty balls please with that.

And finish it off, banana split,

don't actually split the banana

and again, I want a
hearty, healthy banana.

I'll be back and I'll check
the kitchen if you're not.

If there's any way to,
you guys make a corn dog?

No, no corn dogs available.

Let's see.

I need a drink, definitely
a drink, long drink, straw.

Big straw (slurps).

You know what I'm talking about?

Anything else, are you?

Not the shrimp cocktail,
no, don't bring that up.

- I'm also into a lot of bondage.

I can be submissive, or dominant.

Whatever works for you,
I mean if you like to go

both ways, I can just smack you real quick

and you're fine.

You can do it back to me!

I like it.

Oh, thank you.

(exhales)

- Have you been with a man before?

- What do you mean?

- Like been with a man,
in the Biblical sense,

you know what I mean.

- [Angie] No.

- Have you, um, taken his offering?

Has anyone broken the sound barrier?

If you know what I mean.

That hymen.

No?

That's cool.

- So, I'm just gonna pay for these drinks.

I'll give you some time
to get your shit together

'cause you seem a little emotional

and you can come and
meet me in the restroom

in about 10 minutes and then you can come

and give me some good dick.

Sound good?

Perfect, thank you.

- Before dinner and everything gets here,

I'll make a little space
and I might you know,

clear the pipes a little
bit, for later tonight,

you know what I mean.

And probably gonna see if
they have any condoms for sale

in the bathroom.

I'm a gentleman, I'll buy one.

Probably won't wear it
but I will purchase it,

just so that you know that
the respect level is there.

Order a drink, order some
food, maybe, whatever you want.

Heard they've got good
muscles so order that up,

if you like a (slurping).

Slurp something down.

So, I will be right back, madam.

♪ Gettin' my dick sucked ♪

- [Clint] Okay, I am now
officially freaked out.

- [Angie] Okay, I am now
officially freaked out.

(Spanish guitar music)

- And so yeah, that was like
the fifth yeast infection

in like, as many months.

- Well, I don't know what
kind of water you're drinking,

you've got a Brita filter in your house,

or what's going on, maybe
change the laundry detergent.

I don't know enough about yeast.

Stop eating fucking bread!

Maybe, that might be the move.

- I've just been drinking out of

the back section of the toilet.

- Oh, you were getting
the yeast infections.

- Yes, I was getting them.
- Sorry, I was half listening.

- And then I was then
giving them to other people.

It was, I mean it was
probably my second best summer

that I've ever had.
- That's cool man.

Yeah, you're like the Gingerbread Man

but with giving out yeast kind of a thing.

- Yeah, I mean that's--
- That's dope.

- That's actually what I
use as my internet handle.

- Can I catch that?

We've shared, like, drinks and stuff.

Can I catch that, that way?

- I think alcohol is the great
purifier so we're all good.

- Oh, it kills it.

Good, good, good, good, man.

- Hey man, so, how'd that go?

By the way.

- I mean, she's a virgin, or
is, not for long, hopefully

but we'll see, she'll pick up on it later.

She'll probably get some
bad dick from someone else

and then she'll call me up

and she can get some bad dick from me.

- And then afterwards, then
I will hit her up on LinkedIn

and I will say, hey girl,
I heard you had one Tyler,

would you like another one?

- You almost might wanna try our app.

- Well see, that's the thing,

I am so happy with how things
have been going with this app.

- Who knew.
- Yeah.

Who knew Christians were super horny, man.

- You start a Bible
app, hey, let's meet up,

let's study Bible, all they
wanna do, finger each other.

Big time.
- Yeah man.

("Just Like Heaven")

- So, guess who I saw yesterday?

- Joe Biden.

- You're close, Tyler the Tool.

- (chuckles) I am close.

- Where'd you see Tyler the Tool?

- He was at the grocery store

and he tried hitting on
me by the produce section.

- He hangs out by the produce?

- Yeah, man, think of all the
phallic shaped vegetables.

(laughing)

- You know he took a hooker to prom.

- Took a hooker to prom.

- Yeah, he took a hooker to prom.

- He took a hooker to prom.

("Just Like Heaven")

- You went on a date with Tyler the Tool?

- Yeah.

- You know he took a
hooker to prom, right?

- What, how does that work?

- Oh, well, you find one, you pay them

and then you go to prom.

- Did people know it?

- Imagine going to prom
and your science teacher

slips your date a hundred.

- Okay, where do we even find a hooker?

- Well, it's not like the
movies, not Pretty Woman,

no Richard Gere.

- Gerbil.

- Okay, how do you start
a career in prostitution?

- Well, it starts when you
answer an online advertisement

for a potential modeling gig.

- If things don't pick
up for you waitressing,

maybe you should think about
a career in prostitution.

- You know, I'd manage
you, I'd be your pimp.

I'd sell you to those rich oil Sheikhs.

- Mmhmm.

- I would totally trust you as my pimp.

- End of the day, it's
the same for any woman.

Your feet hurt and you
are unraveling dirty cash

that has been given to
you by guilty Lutherans.

- Now go make that scratch, bitch.

(all laughing)

- You went on a date with Kinky Karla?

- I've never been through
something so traumatic.

And my parents are dead.

(Brock laughs)

- You know, she used to work for me.

- Oh, yeah.

Oh my God.

- She was good, she was very good.

We sold a lot of anal beads
when she was employed.

- My God, I remember that summer, man.

Seriously, I used to
always refer to the vagina

as the wage gap,

until I saw what receipt
she was pulling on,

look at all the commission she made,

it was more money than I could fathom.

- It's a huge markup on anal beads.

And it's an item you don't really re-use.

You usually buy them new again.

- Well, yeah, especially
the way I'm using them.

Most people try to pull them
out all slow and seductive.

Not me, man, get it over with.

Just one quick pull, like a band-aid.

Or starting a lawnmower on
the first day of spring.

Just a final crank back.

- You know, you void your
warrantee when you do that.

- Oh, fuck the warranty,
they're made in China.

- Yeah, why are they made in China?

Why can't we make those here?

I mean it's a simple plastic product.

- After NAFTA, everything
went over there and Mexico.

- I know, it's horrible
because it's kind of

a cheap product, why
aren't we making that here?

I mean there's gotta be

manufacturing space over in Cedar Falls

at the Cedar Falls Park, Technology Park.

You can get a place over
there making anal beads.

Why can't we manufacture those here?

- The problem is, is that they hold

the quality standards too high over here.

Over there, you can have air
bubbles in those things, man.

They can come out like a pair
of pliers from Harbor Freight.

You push on them, they'll crank down

and break on the first try.

- I would be happy to
pay a higher wholesale

on anal beads if they
were made in America.

I'd be happy to.

- That's the problem,

nobody wants to make like an
old Chevy, back in the '50s.

- I know, we just lost our
quality standards and you know,

we're so willing to pay for a
cheap product that's inferior,

made in China when it could be made here.

- I thought I was gonna
fall in love tonight.

Now I'm sitting here
drinking with a smut peddler

and a homo.

- Hey, that's a deviant homo.

- He's right about that.

♪ Show me, show me, show
me how you do that trick ♪

♪ The one that makes me scream, she said ♪

♪ The one that makes me laugh, she said ♪

♪ She threw her arms around my neck ♪

♪ Show me how you do it
and I'll promise you ♪

♪ I promise that I'll run away with you ♪

♪ I'll run away with you ♪

("Just Like Heaven")

(cheering)

- Hello, my name is The Colonel

and welcome to The Colonel's
Open Talent Showcase.

- [Crowd] Woo!

- Thank you, thank you for that.

We have a mighty fine
show for you tonight.

We have several musical acts, a comedian,

I do believe we have a poet.

I would like to get a magician

or maybe a juggler of some sort.

No mimes, mind you, can not stand mimes.

I do declare, we shall have
a fantastic show tonight.

So, welcome to The
Colonel's Open Talent Show.

- [Crowd] Woo!

- You don't seem like the type
to come to a open mic night.

- Oh no, no, no, no.

I'm here actually waiting on a date.

- Oh, a date.

- (chuckles) Yeah, independent
filmmaker, you know,

maybe have to put the
old dick duster to work,

you know what I mean?

- Oh, I know what you mean.

- Yeah, those art types,
they're all, you know (gurgles).

♪ We'll start a fire or shed a tear ♪

♪ The jukebox is on ♪

♪ It made me smile ♪

♪ A song about you ♪

♪ And me, I ain't heard in a while ♪

♪ It's been a long day
but I am strong today ♪

♪ The lesson is learned ♪

♪ Yeah, I got burned and
I put out the flame ♪

(mellow music)

- My name's Rebecca.

Don't call me Becky.

(elevator music)

Makes me sound like
some kind of WASP bitch

that was late for a tennis tournament.

So, you went to UNI?

- Yeah, yeah, I did.

- And what was your grade point average?

- Mostly B's.

- See, if you went to Wartburg,

you'd probably get mostly C's and D's

if you were getting B's at

the University of Northern Iowa.

So, do you go to church?

- Yeah, I go to First United
Methodist in Cedar Falls.

- Oh, that's cute and quaint.

I'm a Lutheran, so.

It's, it's okay.

(chill music)

(elevator music)

(burps)

- Oh, hey.

Yeah.

Books.

Power.

Got a hawk on it.

That's pretty dope.

My favorite.

Put that down for later.

- So, where do you work?

- I work at sales.

- Oh, well, I see you're not
wearing a tie with your blazer

so I'm gonna say you're more
of a renter rather than owner.

Usually, personally, I go for
owners but we're here so um.

So, what do your parents do?

- My parents, they died
when I was really young.

- Oh, so you're like
lower middle class then.

And no trust fund, I'm assuming.

That's okay, mine have
got me pretty well set-up.

So, my dad's in accounting so
that's Wartburg, obviously.

But you look nice.

- Oh, right, food!

Oh okay, I gotta have one of
your famous meatball subs,

I'm talking like, the 12
inch with the meatballs

and the sauce, I gotta have me
some shredded chee' in there.

And then you gotta have me some jalapeños

and uh, what's on your meatball sub?

Cheesecake.

Cheesecake.

Guy.

Cheesecake.

- Well, this has been an
interesting experience,

to say the least but I'm a
little more New York Times,

where you're Oelwein Daily Register.

- The Don's from Oelwein, so I'll take it.

Well, they're not mething
around with Oelwein, are they?

- Oh my God, you went on a
date with Becky Harrington?

- She prefers Rebecca now.

- Why wouldn't she?

- Rebecca?

What is she a Jewish girl
from Schaumburg, Illinois

trying to get into North Western?

- Well, what happened on that date?

- She was just so mean.

Like, had no

soul,

just ruthless.

I told her about my parents
and she followed it up with,

"Oh, so no trust fund?"

- Oh my God.

- I know her parents pretty well.

The mother is mean as hell too.

- That fucking bitch.

Deserves to get Ted Bundy'd
but without the fucking charm.

- I see her father down at
the cabaret once in a while.

Typical Cedar Falls WASP

that tries to come in all incognito.

- Yeah but that's the
kind of cuck she deserves.

- I know.

A man that old should never
be wearing Curve cologne

that he bought at Sam's Club half off.

(Brock chuckles)

- You know Skott,

I have something I've
been meaning to ask you.

Do you think, some of the
best rock and roll artists

of our time, if you wanna
talk about Mick Jagger

or Robert Plant or
maybe Tom Waits perhaps.

Do you think any of
them ever chose to vape?

- I would guess that they
do in their free time.

Behind the cameras.

- You think so?

- Oh sure.

♪ Hoping for the best
but expecting the worst ♪

♪ Are you gonna drop the bomb or not ♪

- So, our coven usually meets
on Wednesdays, hump day.

We usually let out before happy hour

and we usually have wine.

- You ready for the night?

- To be ready for more rituals

and whatever else might pop up.

- So, what does that
involve, more rituals?

- Well, we like to do our
rituals out amongst nature

and in the woods

and we usually like to
perform them skyclad.

- I love going skyclad.

- You got any more room for members?

- Well, our brood currently
has about 10 witches

but we would have room for two warlocks.

- You know, I'm keen to whip out the wand

and blow out some magic.

Expel some fairy dust.

- So, what's up witches?

You ready to party?

- You went out with Burnout Brad?

- Yeah.

Someone at church set us up.

Said he was a little gentleman.

- Oh, come on, that guy is a total waste.

He's stoned all the time.

- Yeah.

Does he work?

- Yeah but he's an orderly.

- What?

- What's an orderly?

- It's a hospital attendant.

Responsible for the
non-medical care of patients.

- [Angie] Okay, how did he get that job?

- How does anyone get a job?

Good point though.

Who are the other applicants
passed over for Burnout Brad?

- Wouldn't they drug test?

- Oh, they do but stoners
are geniuses at working

their way around a drug test.

- Tell me you did not go
for a ride in his car.

- No, no, I took an Uber.
- Okay.

- Who'd ya get?

- Uber Jew.

- Uber Jew, he is the best Uber driver.

- God, isn't it great?

He is very Jewish, you know,

Uber Jewish

and drives an Uber,

he is the Uber Jew.

- Yup.
- Classic.

You wouldn't believe how many
people don't get that joke.

- Michelle Pfeiffer, "Grease 2", yeah.

That's the one with the guy from England

who plays Sandy's cousin, yeah.

- The very same.

Michelle Pfeiffer in her greatest role,

she needed hell on wheels

and Michael, man, he burned
hot, he was a cool, cool rider.

- Yeah, he came to
America his senior year,

lived with his uncle,
did term papers for cash

in his uncle's nuclear
fallout shelter to buy parts

to build a motorcycle to win
the heart of Michelle Pfeiffer.

- The American dream.

- Truly is an American musical.

Rugged individualism.

Like "Rocky" or "High Noon."

- It is exactly like "Rocky", Henry.

The greatest musical of all time.

I'm so glad you've come around.

Harold is pleased.

- Yeah.

That's why God created a
hipster like you, Harold.

To enlighten us on all those
things we have set aside

to donate to Goodwill.

- I can't take the credit,
I don't mean to insult

or impugn one's taste, I
just mean to enlighten.

- [Henry] I truly
appreciate that, my friend.

- Hey Boss.

- [Boss] What's up, Mikey?

- Get me a milk.

I'm about to bang me some witches.

- [Bartender] You got it Mikey.

Hey babe, carpet match the drapes?

- Wow.

No.

- You know they've got that soundtrack

at Bronshay Records.

- What soundtrack?

- [Henry] The "Grease 2" one.

- Surely, you mean CD or cassette?

- Vinyl.

- Wax.

The "Grease 2" LP.

On vinyl.

At Bronshay Records.

- Yeah, with Michelle
Pfeiffer in the pink coat

and that guy from England,
right on the cover.

- The very same, "Grease 2" vinyl, LP.

You've impressed me today, Henry.

I have no choice but to take your word.

- I remember the motorcycle
with the number two on the flag.

- That is the one.

There's no way it would be another one.

Pardon me, Henry, you must excuse me.

(rock music)

Excuse me, liquor gentleman.

Do you have a payphone?

- [Bartender] Oh, yeah, you
just go round the building,

go through the time
portal that will take you

to 30 years ago and it's
on the other side of that

on this other side of this building,

past that time portal, 30 years ago.

- Okay, I recognize your sarcasm
and I compliment you, sir.

- [Bartender] Just go
use the regular phone

in Rudy's, Harold.

- Okay, well, thanks
for calling me Harold.

Good day sir.

Cousin Oliver, I am at Rudy's.

You must prepare the tandem bike at once

and meet me here posthaste.

("Head On")

♪ Makes you wanna feel ♪

♪ Makes you wanna try ♪

♪ Makes you wanna blow
the stars from the sky ♪

♪ I can't stand up ♪

♪ I can't cool down ♪

♪ I can't get my head up off the ground ♪

♪ Makes you wanna feel ♪

♪ Makes you wanna try ♪

- Cousin Harold, you're
wearing jean shorts.

- There are dozens of us, Oliver.

Dozens.

Shall we limber up?

- That's my secret, cousin.

I'm always limber.

("Head On")

- Let's say we hells on wheels, baby.

- "Cool Rider."

- To the tandem!

♪ Yeah, oh yeah ♪

♪ Oh yeah ♪

♪ Oh yeah ♪

♪ Oh yeah ♪

♪ Oh yeah ♪

♪ Make sure to tell the tale ♪

♪ And you'll find that nothing's there ♪

♪ You'll find that nothing's there ♪

♪ You'll find that nothing's there ♪

♪ You'll find that nothing's there ♪

(crowd cheering)

- All right, everyone,
we have a nice young lady

here with us today to sing us a song.

Give this lovely lady
a warm, warm welcome.

Give it up for Angie.

(crowd cheering)

That's okay, that's fine.

You'll get it next time.

Uh, okay.

- Hey.
- Hi.

- Don't worry about it.

- Thanks.

- It's a big, beautiful world out there,

try not to ever fear a stage.

- Thank you.

♪ You went the wrong way ♪

♪ Got on the wrong train ♪

♪ Nothing to say ♪

♪ You're playing your game ♪

♪ The winds have changed, yeah ♪

- So, you still work at
Sharky's over the hill?

- Yup.

- That is where I learned to fight.

- That's where everyone
learns how to fight.

(laughs)

- Oh my God, football
players fighting over some

fat blonde from Kossuth County.

- Yeah but then she ends up going home

with a Delta Sigma frat boy.

- And then when he doesn't
call, she stalks him at his job.

♪ When they're gone, we find our bliss ♪

♪ They try to come back, I say this ♪

- Still go down to the
Fourth Street Bridge?

- Yeah.

Every once in a while when
I'm feeling a little down.

- You should never go to a bridge

when you're depressed, Clint.

(both laughing)

- Yeah.

- Why do you like it down there so much?

- Every time I go down there,
it just sort of makes me,

it picks me up, makes me
feel better, you know?

- You like it there, huh?

- Yeah.

Can't explain it.

- I can.

You realize that's the last place

you saw your parents, right?

You know your mom used to take you there,

wait for your father.

Father worked at the bank down the street.

Just right off Fourth Street.

It's a beautiful bank.

Your father used to have lunch with me,

you know I owned the store down the way.

God, your father was never
ashamed to be seen with me.

To have lunch with him
is like he was proud.

Of course we always had a
flush account at that bank.

Yeah, that's the last
place you saw your parents.

God dammit, I'll never forget that day.

They dropped you off
to me, I picked you up,

they left on that trip, I
took you to Adeleine's place.

They never came back from that trip

and you were at Adeleine's from then on.

- You know I still see
her about every week.

She says she prays for you.

- Really?
- Yeah.

I'll take every prayer
that saint can spare.

God dammit.

How'd you end up so good?

- You know...

I was raised right.

(laughs)

- Thank God for Scotch.

Thank God for Scotch, Clint.

(mellow guitar music)

♪ Don't be sad, I know you will ♪

- No one ever wanted me.

My parents didn't.

No one ever picked me
up from the orphanage.

But you know what?

Somebody will.

A sweet, kind gentle man
will love me someday.

Everyone deserves that.

Wishes do come true.

Prayers are heard.

(mellow guitar music)

- There are more records, Cousin Harold.

You'll find one.

- Perhaps there's more
but this one was mine.

And now it is gone and I don't know why

and I don't know who.

- Well, obviously
somebody else appreciated

the greatest musical ever put on a film.

- Who, aside from you
and I sitting here today?

I mean I guess, I don't
know, maybe somebody else,

somewhere in this town has
a nice Victrola console.

They drop the needle
down, side A, track 1.

Can you hear it, Oliver?

Can you hear it?

You know where they're going?

They're going back,

back to school again.

And we're not.

We're here.

- Cousin Harold.
- Yes?

- I smell a Nectar Wookie.

- As do I.

- Aw, hey!
- It's this guy again.

- So I was on this walkabout the other day

and tripping on some wild peyote.

Ended up at this Bronshay Records store

and I seen this and I was like

that bearded Napster dude would like this.

So, I took it

and I'm like,

giving it to you.

- You purchased this or
whatever you did for it, for me?

- I took it, yeah.

- For me?

- Yeah.

- Harold is overjoyed, you
sweet, smelly bear mite.

- I just--
- Do I smell?

- I'm not even mad about
no sleeve, I'm just,

I'm touched you would give this to me.

I feel as though maybe, you and I have,

not been on the same foot.

- No, I'm on two feet.

- Well, I mean I think we can be friends,

I think I could teach you about Scotch.

- Aw, butterscotch!

- Maybe I'll walk about
somewhere with you, I don't know.

I think I, we're good.

I, I decry, sir, I decry!

That from this day forth, a
Nectar Wookie and a hipster,

we shall co-exist together,
together in the Cedar Valley.

We will be one.

- Together, I like that.

- You wanna take the
weekend to think about it?

Nah, how about you just come with us

and then you can enjoy your weekend.

Yeah,

yeah.

You're making the right decision here.

Yeah.

Okay, well I'll take care of everything

and you enjoy your weekend.

This was a good choice.

All right, bye.

("Just Like Heaven")

- [Boss] What year was
that tornado in Oelwein?

- [The Don] 1968.

F5.

- Is that the same one
that hit Charleston?

- Yep.

Took out a whole major
swathe right through Oelwein.

Took out the high school, took
out a bunch of businesses,

took out our family's house.

- Oh my God.
- I was just a little kid.

But yeah, that was something.

But the town rebuilt, you know?

It's that Italian resilience.

A town full of Italians did a good job.

- Shows a lot of character

for a town like that to come back.

- Yep, all the restaurants, all the--

- Speaking of restaurants,
that's the best Italian food

I've ever had in my life.

- Yeah?

- Oelwein Italian food?

Outstanding.

Clayton County has that
pizza with that cheese still.

Leo's, Leo's is outstanding.

Leo's still has that Italian beef special

that you used to be able to
get at Sportsman's on that--

- That's right, back when
Al Capone came through town.

(laughs)

Stopping at Sportsman's.

- That road, that's the road that leads to

Hazleton, right?

- Mmhmm.
- Yeah.

Sportsman's was out there,
that place was awesome.

- But Waterloo has pretty
good Italian food too.

- Yeah, Waterloo is a close second.

Waterloo has, what's that new place on--

- Basil's Pizza?

- Yeah, right across
the bridge, yeah, yeah.

- Is that the one?

- Yeah, the Neapolitan place.

- Yeah, the wood fired, yeah.

- That cook's a genius.

God, don't piss him off though, man.

That's certifiable.

Brown Bottle's pizza's
outstanding, they got that--

- They've been around a long time.

- Yeah and they have, what do they have,

they have that chicken
Parmesan, that's real good.

- Yeah, there's Lighthouse.

- What's that on, Fifth?
- Fifth Street, yeah.

- And then, oh God, Mama Nick's.

- Mama Nick's Circle Pizzeria.

- Oh God, it's so good
there, he's got that buffet.

- Buffet at lunch time, yeah.

- That guy's Greek and he's
nailed the Italian food.

- Yep.

- Outstanding.

- Do you know there's something
that I was gonna ask you

but I didn't wanna show any disrespect.

(chuckles)

- The Don talking about
respect, I love it.

Oh hell, Vincent, you
could ask me anything, man.

I won't take any disrespect.

- Well, why a strip club
and adult bookstore owner?

- Well, I don't know, when I was younger,

they came available for sale.

I've never seen one
closed down in the area.

Figured it was a wise investment

'cause obviously there's
a market share in the area

and I thought, well they
make money, so I bought them

and I've made money with them

but I've never seen one close in the area

so I thought it was a wise investment.

Do I feel guilt at times?

Yeah.

I feel shame.

Oh yeah.

But I guess, I guess I'm weak.

It comes down to decisions
I guess you make in life,

do you wanna be affluent and
flawed or pious and poor?

- "And he said to me, 'my
grace is sufficient for you

"for my power is made
perfect in weakness'"

- Corinthians 12:9?

- Very good.

Not Bon Jovi, like some people think.

(laughs)

- We tend to pick up
theology in my line of work

sooner or later.

- "Livin' on a Prayer",
is that in the Bible?

(laughs)

I'm not sure.

- It is in the New Jersey version.

- That's right, the New
New Jersey Testament.

- The King James Gandolfini version.

- That's the one.

("Just Like Heaven")

- Hey man, how's it going?

- Great, how 'bout you?

- Good, good.

Good job on that account,
knew you had it in ya.

- Appreciate it, appreciate it.

Took some work but I got there.

Hey, so what's the story,
I got told to call you

the Adult Shop Mob?

- Aw man, not anymore, new job now.

- All right, all right.

Doesn't look like you with those shades.

- The pink shirt there, mix
a little red in the laundry?

- All right, all right,
fair enough, fair enough.

Hey, my uncle says he still
owes you one by the way.

- No, no, tell your uncle we're even.

♪ Spinning across that dizzy edge ♪

♪ I kissed her face, I kissed her head ♪

♪ Dreamed of all the different
ways, I had to make her glow ♪

♪ Why are you so far away she said ♪

♪ Don't you ever know that
I'm in love with you ♪

♪ Yeah, I'm in love with you ♪

- Hey.

- Oh, there he is, how you doin' kid?

- I am great.

- What's goin' on?

- I closed the Lock account.

- The Lock account?

- Yeah.
- You got that?

- I was really persistent and
I worked really, really hard

and it worked, it worked, you know?

- Oh God, good job buddy, good job.

- I mean who would have
thought that my first one

would be that big?

- You're employed for the next

five to seven years on that one.

One account, that's a great start.

I knew you had it in there,

I'd like to say you learned
salesman ship from your uncle

but it's pretty easy to
sell though, right buddy?

God, that is awesome, how did you do it?

How did you do that?

- Well you know, all I had
to do was lock it down.

- Oh my God.

Jesus.

(laughs)

- Well, anyway, I'm gonna
go out and celebrate,

would you like to join me?

- You know what, buddy?

I'm good here, I'm good
here for the night.

- Okay.

- Good job, buddy, good job.

- See ya.

- Hey Clint.

Your father would be very proud.

("Just Like Heaven")

♪ Lost and lonely ♪

♪ You, strange as angels ♪

♪ Dancing in the deepest oceans ♪

♪ Twisting in the water ♪

♪ You're just like a dream ♪

♪ You're just like a dream ♪

♪ Daylight licked me into shape ♪

♪ I must have been asleep for days ♪

♪ And moving lips to breathe her name ♪

♪ I opened up my eyes ♪

♪ And found myself alone, alone,
alone above a raging sea ♪

♪ Stole the only girl I loved ♪

♪ And drowned her deep inside of me ♪

♪ You soft and only ♪

♪ You lost and lonely ♪

♪ You just like heaven ♪

- [Colonel] Welcome to the
Colonels Open Talent Showcase.

(cheering)

- This girl came up to me
in the club the other day

and asked me if I wanted
to have hot monkey sex.

Didn't know what that was

but I knew I wanted to fuck someone.

So, we go back to her
place, start getting it on.

She gets naked on the
bed, I get behind her,

start fucking her, you know and
I started to shit in my hand

and throwing it at her.

(crowd laughing)

- You know this kid's act is,

familiar.

- Yeah but he's making it his own.

Frankly, I think it's better.

- God dammit.

- You know Jesus is coming back soon.

(cheering)

But when he comes back,
he's gonna be black,

he was a Jew the first time
but I want him to be black

this time so that way with
all the southern baptists,

I can be like, get over here ni--

(laughs)

- Aw.

- What's the punchline?

(laughs)

That's funny kid, right on.

- All right everybody,

we have a nice young lady
here to sing us a song.

Everybody welcome Angie.

(audience cheering)

♪ Sometimes flowers grow too fast ♪

♪ Sometimes they never last ♪

♪ Sometimes we dwell on the past ♪

♪ Never knowing what comes next ♪

♪ And although we try,
try, try, try, try ♪

♪ We never seem to get it right ♪

♪ So we ask why, why, why, why, why ♪

♪ How do we get by ♪

- Huh,

she looks familiar.

Oh yeah.

Cheesecake.

♪ Always acting tough
even though we're small ♪

♪ And although we try,
try, try, try, try ♪

♪ We never seem to get it right ♪

♪ So we ask why, why, why, why, why ♪

♪ How do we get by ♪

(audience clapping)

- [Colonel] Thank you Angie!

- Hey!

Great job.

That was insane, everyone loved it.

Everyone loved it.

- I can't believe I just did that.

- I don't know how it took you this long.

You were so good, you were so good.

- I love you

- I love you too.

(mellow music)

♪ It's time I said these words ♪

♪ I had to write them down ♪

♪ Tonight, we'll talk like birds ♪

♪ I found you and my
heart starts to pound ♪

♪ A river's long, we'll meet
in the middle and swim ♪

♪ I almost drown, now
I'm breathing again ♪

♪ When my world starts spinning round ♪

♪ When the bonfire lights the wind ♪

♪ When my feet fly off the ground ♪

♪ You met me ♪

♪ I found you ♪

♪ You've got a lot of nerve ♪

♪ To make my raincloud burst ♪

♪ Got an easy I task I heard ♪

♪ Dropped in the play
and it's unrehearsed ♪

♪ A river's strong ♪

♪ We'll meet in the middle and swim ♪

♪ I almost drown ♪

♪ Now I'm breathing again ♪

♪ When my world stars spinning round ♪

♪ When the bonfire lights the wind ♪

♪ When my feet fly off the ground ♪

♪ You met me ♪

♪ I found you ♪

♪ I love you ♪

♪ I've fallen love struck sick ♪

- [Angie] Who knew?

That all those pennies and
prayers off that bridge

and everything I wished for,

came true.

A boy named Clint from Cedar Falls, Iowa.

I will never fear a stage or anything else

in this beautiful world, ever again.

God, I love the springtime in Iowa.

("Pretty in Pink")

♪ Caroline laughs, and
it's raining all day ♪

♪ She wants to be one of the girls ♪

♪ She lives in the place
in the side of our lives ♪

♪ Where nothing is ever put straight ♪

♪ She turns herself round ♪

♪ And she smiles and she says ♪

♪ This is it, that's the end of the joke ♪

♪ And loses herself in
the dreaming and sleep ♪

♪ And her lovers walk
through in their coats, yes ♪

♪ Pretty in pink ♪

♪ Isn't she ♪

♪ Pretty in pink ♪

♪ Isn't she ♪

♪ All of her lovers
all talk of her notes ♪

♪ And the flowers that they never sent ♪

♪ And wasn't she easy ♪

♪ Isn't she pretty in pink ♪

♪ The one who insists he
was first in the line ♪

♪ Is the last to remember her name ♪

♪ He's walking around in
this dress that she wore ♪

♪ She is gone, but the joke's the same ♪

♪ Pretty in pink ♪

♪ Isn't she ♪

♪ Pretty in pink ♪

♪ Isn't she ♪

♪ Caroline talks to you softly sometimes ♪

♪ She says I love you and too much ♪

♪ She doesn't have anything
you want to steal ♪

♪ Well, nothing you can touch ♪

♪ She waves ♪

♪ She buttons your shirt ♪

♪ The traffic is waiting outside,
she hands you this coat ♪

♪ She gives you her clothes,
these cars collide ♪

♪ Pretty in pink ♪

♪ Isn't she ♪

♪ Pretty in pink ♪

♪ Isn't she ♪

♪ All their rags are worn ♪

♪ And other kinds of uniform ♪

♪ Kid you're really free ♪

♪ Like individuality ♪

♪ You know what you want
to be until tomorrow ♪

("Forever Young"

♪ Let's dance in style,
let's dance for a while ♪

♪ Heaven can wait we're
only watching the skies ♪

♪ Hoping for the best,
but expecting the worst ♪

♪ Are you gonna drop the bomb or not ♪

♪ Let us die young or
let us live forever ♪

♪ We don't have the power,
but we never say never ♪

♪ Sitting in a sandpit,
life is a short trip ♪

♪ The music's for the sad man ♪

♪ Can you imagine when this race is won ♪

♪ Turn our golden faces into the sun ♪

♪ Praising our leaders,
we're getting in tune ♪

♪ The music's played by the madman ♪

♪ Forever young ♪

♪ I want to be forever young ♪

♪ Do you really want to live forever ♪

♪ Forever, and ever ♪

♪ Forever young ♪

♪ I want to be forever young ♪

♪ Do you really want to live forever ♪

♪ Forever, forever young ♪

♪ Some are like water,
some are like the heat ♪

♪ Some are a melody
and some are the beat ♪

♪ Sooner or later they'll all be gone ♪

♪ Why don't they stay young ♪

♪ It's hard to get old without a cause ♪

♪ I don't want to perish
like a fading horse ♪

♪ Youth's like diamonds
swinging out of the blue ♪

♪ We let them all come true ♪

♪ Forever young ♪

♪ I want to be forever young ♪

♪ Do you really want to live forever ♪

♪ Forever, and ever ♪

♪ Forever young ♪

♪ I want to be forever young ♪

♪ Do you really want to live forever ♪

♪ Forever, and ever ♪

♪ Forever young ♪

♪ I want to be forever young ♪

♪ Do you really want to live forever ♪

♪ Forever, forever ♪

♪ Forever young ♪

♪ I want to be forever young ♪

♪ Do you really want to live forever ♪