Love Is a Ball (1963) - full transcript

(MUSIC PLAYING)

-(SPEAKING FRENCH)
-Yes.

All right, all right!

Will you tell me,
where am I gonna get

$3,500?

-That is not my problem!
-I haven't got $3,500.

I've no credit,
nobody gets credit!

-Strictly cash business.
-All right, all right.

-Like the sign says...
-You, all right...

-...tell them no credit.
-Yes... I've read the sign.

Listen, you trusted me with
the propeller casing.



-Oh, that was...
-Why can't you trust me
with this?

-Well, that was for $20.
-Why not?

-I don't trust my mother...
-You're my friend?

-...for 3,500.
-Yeah.

His name is
John Davis, American.

His financial statement.

Listen,
I have to have this boat

or I can't make a living.

-You know that, don't you?
-Aye!

You know... Talk to him,
honey, you tell him.

(BOTH SPEAKING FRENCH)

Hold it, whoa, hey,

forget it, I don't know,
forget it!

-I try to help.
-I know.



But you see,
I'm sorry, Johnny.

Yes, I'm...
I'm sorry, too, but...

(SIGHS)

Never mind.

Thanks a lot, honey.

I'll figure something out.

I don't know what.

He's owned the boat
for two years, a charter boat.

Rents out by week or month
to the tourists.

Priory.

I beg your pardon, sir.

You are Mr. John Davis?

Yeah.

Sir, a gentleman I represent

would like to engage
your services.

Look, I'm sorry, pal,
my boat is out of commission.

-No boat.
-The use of your boat

is not required,
just you, sir.

What do you mean?

My employer's card, sir.

If you will be there
at noon tomorrow,

it will all be
explained to you.

-Good day, sir.
-Good day.

Can't you give me some inkling
of what the fellow wants?

It will all be
explained to you, sir.

12:00, sharp.

Morning.

Hi.

Gentlemen, please.

Mr. Pimm gets very angry
when people aren't punctual.

Oh, after you.

Make yourselves comfortable.
Can I get you a drink?

Oh, yes, Cinzano, please.

-For you?
-How about a beer?

Well, hello, this is jolly,
isn't it?

Hey, does anybody
know why we're here?

I haven't the vaguest.

-Whiskey's good, though.
-(CHUCKLES)

-My name's Soames.
-Davis.

-Zoltan is mine.
-How do you do?

PIMM: Ah.

Gentlemen, good afternoon,
how nice of you all to come.

I am Mr. Pimm, how do you do?

-How do you do?
-Hi.

This is Janine, my secretary,

and this is my friend,

Monsieur Gaspard du Clouseau.

Good evening.

Good evening.

I have a very tall.

Ah, you have a very tall what?

GASPARD: Yes.

I'm afraid Gaspard's English

is even more fragmentary
than mine.

Yes, I like your Coca-Cola.

PIMM: (LAUGHING)
Dear boy, that's beautiful.

Can we offer you gentlemen
a drink?

Oh, Carlo has
your order, good.

-Thank you.
-Janine.

Thank you.

To your very good health,
gentlemen.

Well, um, excuse me,

but why are we here?
Do you mind telling us?

You'll find out in time.

Well, shall we sit down?

Ah. Carlo, you can
serve the lunch.

And bring the Champagne.

I hope you gentlemen
like Champagne.

-Oh, yes.
-I love Champagne.

-CARLO: Sir.
-Yes?

Oh! Would you
excuse us, please?

We'll be with you in
just a moment.

Yeah, say, uh,
this fellow Pimm,

what's his racket?

Oh, and I drink Coca-Cola

to your President Coolidge.

Man, you're no help at all,
are you?

Thank you.

She's right on schedule,

just as our man
in New York predicted.

Ah, there is the girl.

And her grandmother, sir.

But I don't see her uncle.

Oh, check your report.

(PAPARAZZI SHOUTING)

(ALL SPEAKING FRENCH)

MAN: Whoo.

The report says definitely
Doctor Gump accompanied them.

Here he comes.

Absolutely no pictures.

All pictures have to be
cleared through
the news services.

Tracey, get
these photographers away.

Get away!

Back up the car
and get up to the villa.

What a pompous ass he is. Huh.

Met him in Boston once.

It was like shaking hands
with a pickle.

Well, we're ready.

Our quarry has arrived.

Come.

Again, my apologies,
gentlemen.

It was unavoidable.

Shall we get on with
our lunch?

I want to engage
your services, gentlemen.

For various reasons,

I want you to help me
with Gaspard,

my protege here.

I want to groom him,
to polish him,

and teach him

the refinements
of good living.

Why?

Uh, that, uh, Mr. Davis,

is my own business.

You want to make a proper
gentleman of him, is that it?

Well, with all the tutors
there are about,
why pick on me?

I'm just a humble musician.

Oh, but you haven't
always been a flautist

with a dreadful quartet,
Mr. Soames.

Priory.

Julian Soames, fellow of
All Souls, Oxford, 1950.

Author of
The Definitive Linguist.

Speaks eight languages,
including Swahili.

Left Oxford to follow
a woman named...

(LAUGHING NERVOUSLY) Yes,
well, that's enough, isn't it?

PIMM:
Eh, that will do, Priory.

I will want you to stuff
Gaspard like a sausage

with your
Oxford manner and charm.

I will want you to teach him

flawless English, eh?

Hmm, mmm. Mediocre.

(CHUCKLING) You won't have
an easy job, I think.

As for you, Mr. Davis...

Wait a minute, listen,
you got the wrong man.

I'm no school teacher.

Oh, you have some, ah,

qualifications
for my purposes.

No, no.

Priory.

John Lathrop Davis,
from Wyoming.

Cowhand on various ranches
until he was 22.

In 1954, began racing cars.

Winner at
Indianapolis Speedway.

Winner at Sebring.
Winner at Le Mans, 1958.

Winner at International
Grand Prix...

-Thank you, Priory.
-The list goes on and on.

I'm sure it does.

I will want you to
teach Gaspard

the finer points
of driving and horsemanship.

Look, I'm in the charter boat
business, remember?

With no boat?

Oh.

Do this little job for me,
Mr. Davis,

and I shall see to it that
your boat is put right again.

I'll pay all the repair bills
and throw in a bonus.

What do you say?

Well, that's it, gentlemen,
will you join us?

My pleasure, monsieur.

Soames?

Sounds like a lovely
vacation, I'm in.

Mr. Davis?

(SIGHS) Well, I need my boat.

Welcome to the Pimm family.

Gentlemen,
to a successful venture.

Well, really, Monsieur Pimm,
I've wasted my whole day!

17 villas I've shown you,
and none of them suit you!

Patience, madame, patience.

The gentleman
I represent is very fussy

about where he lives.

Well, if this doesn't suit

your fussy friend, I give up!

I warn you,
the rent is outrageous.

But wait till you see
the gardens in the rear.

...a wonderful view.

And the prettiest gardens
on the Riviera.

And there are
two swimming pools.

Magnificent! I think we're
getting warm now.

Yes, you're also
getting into high rent.

Seven million, five hundred
thousand francs, a month.

It's only money.
Now, if the kitchens

and the interior
are satisfactory,

-I think we might
be interested, madame.
-Very well.

A great connoisseur
of the old world of cooking,

Monsieur Maurice Zoltan
from Paris.

Ah, but of course,
I've heard of him.

Good.

Well, Zoltan,
what do you think?

Good ovens.

Well-planned storage.
Yes, I'm satisfied.

Good. Well, then,

there is only the question
of gardeners

and, uh, maintenance.

And now, this room here,
this is the dining room.

It just has been redecorated
and repainted, you see?

Well, Madame Fernier,
it will do.

-Yes.
-We'll take it immediately.

What do you mean,
"immediately"?

Well, you see,
the Grand Duke is

arriving on the 14th,
and it means a tremendous...

Did you say "Grand Duke"?

But Mr. Pimm, really!

Oh! Oh, Janine,
what have I done?

You know how the Grand Duke
hates notoriety.

But you can trust me,
I am like the Sphinx,

my lips are sealed.

Tell me,
which Grand Duke is it?

Oh, no, no, no,
I'm sorry, uh...

Well, as long as you have let
the cat out of the bag...

I suppose you're right.

Well, he's the Grand Duke

Gaspard Isidro du Clouseau
from Barcelona.

(GASPING) Oh.

Shh.

I know we can trust you.

But of course, don't worry
about our little secret.

My lips are sealed.

-Goodbye, my dear.
-Goodbye.

(SPEAKING FRENCH)

Um, I'll send you
the lease for you to sign.

(SPEAKING FRENCH)

By 3:00, she'll have the word
all over the Riviera, eh?

Eh? (CHUCKLING)

Gentlemen?

Well, then,
we have our new home!

What do you think of it?

Magnificent.

Well, we have lots to do

and precious
little time to do it.

Uh, Johnny, uh,

how does your American
expression go?

Uh, let's, um, let's, uh...

-Let's get with it?
-That's it!

Let's get with it!

(MOVERS SPEAKING FRENCH)

"'Oh, very well,'

"say the mother cat.

"'But

."'you have lose your mittens

"'and you are

"'bad little kittens.'"

Not lose, lost.

-Losed.
-Lost.

-Losed.
-Lost.

-Losed.
-Lost.

-Losed.
-Lost.

-Losed.
-Lost.

-Losed.
-Lost.

Losed.

Excusez-moi...

-GASPARD: Oh!
-What is it, Gaspard?

Oh! That mean mother.

She sent all
the little kittens

to bed with no milk,

just because they losed
their mittens.

Oh, Gaspard,
for heaven's sake.

(MUSIC PLAYING)

Gaspard, please,
follow the rhythm.

Follow me! Now, listen to me.

You step one, one, one...

Oh, that's marvelous!

-Oh, how beautiful!
-All right, get in!

Really?

Johnny will teach you
how to drive it.

Ah, drive it away!

(ENGINE REVVING LOUDLY)

(TIRES SCREECHING)

Gaspard!

-This... This is a horse.
-Oh, yes?

Oh, he won't
hurt you, come here.

-Go ahead, pet him, c'mon.
-Really?

Yeah, go ahead.

-All right, all right, Johnny.
-Yeah, that's it.

-Yeah.
-See? He likes you.

-He likes me? Oh, uh...
-Sure, he does.

...I like... I like you...
I like you, too.

Fine, well, you're gonna
get along just fine with him.

-Now look, you hold on here.
-Oh, yes.

Oh, no, you better
take this one.

You ride this one,
and I'm gonna show you how...

-He likes me?
-Yeah, I think he likes you.

We'll find out in a minute.

-Now, you get on
from the left side...
-Yes?

-See? Right? Okay?
-Yes.

That's very simple.

"We ride

"the brown horse."

Huh? (CHUCKLING)

Marvelous.

PIMM: There's no hurry.

One, one, two...

(INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS)

What's the matter?

Uh, nothing, I...

"Do may also be used to call
special attention

"to the action of the verb."

-Sample!
-Uh...

"Do, uh,

"help me," instead of just

"help me."

(SIGHING)

No, no, Gaspard, please,

you're not nibbling
at a chicken leg.

You don't seem to get
the idea at all that we are

trying to teach you
how to make love,

gently, see?

And uh, whatever you do,
don't... Don't rush.

Enjoy it, hmm?

This... This is
a very nice place.

From there on, it's all good.

Now, let's see you do it.

May I talk to you,
Mr. Pimm, please?

-PIMM: All right.
-Excuse me.

Well, what is it?

Perhaps I could practice
on someone else, Mr. Pimm.

It's embarrassing with Janine.

-I don't see why!
-Shh.

She's here to help.
She's one of the family.

Why should it be
embarrassing?

I don't know, it...
It just is.

Nonsense, go back to work.

And stop worrying.

Go on, go on, be with her.

All right.

Oh, Johnny, that's beautiful!

And you make it look so easy!

(GASPARD SIGHING)

Do you think I'll be able
to do it, Johnny?

Of course you can. Whoa.

-Ready?
-Yes.

-Get on.
-All right.

That's it, see?
That's the way.

-All right.
-Here you go.

All right now,
keep your arm high now.

-Remember what I taught you.
-All right, Johnny.

-All right, let's go.
-Here I go, Johnny.

-Here I go, Johnny!
-Yes!

Keep your arm high there,
Gaspard, high!

Johnny!

I think you better take it
first, 'cause I...

I'm afraid to ruin that
beautiful piece of machinery.

Okay.

(TIRES SCREECHING)

Go this way!

Getting better, Mr. Pimm.

Yesterday, I was worse!

-Terrible.
-(CHUCKLING)

"Then the hackney rattled off,

"and she was left alone
in the wind at the corner."

The end. (SIGHING)

Only the beginning.

It's never the end,
keep reading.

(LAUGHING)

Wonderful, Gaspard!

(TIRES SCREECHING)

I'm sorry, Johnny.

Congratulations.

(SNEEZING)

I have hay...
Hay fever, Johnny.

(SNEEZING)

3500 RPM, Johnny, I should...

(SNEEZING)

-Bless you.
-Thank you, Johnny.

-Oh, I hope I didn't...
-Oh, good morning.

Have you had a nice lesson?

-Very nice.
-Yes?

-(SNEEZING)
-Hey, what are you people

always looking at
through this thing?

-Huh?
-Lunch is ready.

Shall we go in?

PIMM: Well, Priory, good luck.

And you'll keep me
posted, now?

Indeed I will, sir.

-Goodbye.
-Goodbye.

GASPARD:
Much better, I think...

Ah, let's have our lunch.

I am famished.

What's Priory doing dressed up
as a chauffeur?

Uh... Oh, he is uh,
leaving us for a while.

He has taken up another job.

He's leaving us,
just like that, how come?

Heh.

Well, I wonder what

Zoltan has
prepared for us today?

-Janine, listen.
-Mm-hmm?

"Fame is a food
that dead men eat.

"I have no stomach
for such meat.

"But friendship is
a noble thing."

-Isn't that beautiful?
-It's lovely.

I learned that today.
Henry Austin Dobson.

Isn't that right, Julian?

Yeah, that's right.

Yes, and here's another one by
Elizabeth Barrett Browning.

"How do I love thee?

"Let me count the ways."

Dear boy,
not during lunch, hm?

Let's enjoy our food,
there's a good lad.

You've turned him on,
now you can't shut him off,
can you?

Uh, listen, my dear friend,
let me tell you something.

The art of conversation
is just to sort of
exchange ideas,

it isn't to give a lecture.

(CHUCKLING) I know, Johnny,

but now that I've learned all
these wonderful things!

-JOHNNY: Yeah,
but you don't...
-For instance, do you know

that our knowledge
of the Etruscan civilization,

-due to the lack
of literary...
-No, I don't.

...remains does not hamper
our knowledge of them so much

due to the paintings that
are left behind.

Now, from this, we can deduct

that they enjoyed life,
and actually...

This tastes dreadfully,
dreadfully, take it away.

-I'm sorry, sir.
-Take it away!

Oh, why can't we locate
a decent cook in this house?

Look... What I found down by
the Oberian this morning.

A genuine Callophrys avis.
Isn't he gorgeous?

Now, must you
mount butterflies

while I'm having breakfast,
uh, Mathilda?

The food in
this house is bad enough

without you sticking pins
into those animals.

-Yes, what is it, Stacy?
-STACY: The applicants
are here

in answer to your
advertisement, sir.

-What advertisement?
-The chauffeur's, sir.

Ah, yes, all right,
show them in.

Come this way,
will you, please?

Monsieur will see you now.

Let's have a look at you.

Mm-hmm.

You all speak English?

(ALL SPEAKING FRENCH)

What's wrong
with the French people?

They don't have
the common courtesy

to speak English.

I do, sir, I am English.

Oh? I suppose you have
some sort of recommendation.

I have his references
here, sir.

Yes, according
to the letterhead,

Sir James Smith Bingham,

fellow of the Royal Society.

The Royal Society of what?

Sir James was
a naturalist, sir.

Naturalist?

The Royal Society
of Naturalists.

Well, I'm a naturalist, too!

I must show you my collection.

Yes, well, we haven't hired
the man, yet, Mathilda.

MATHILDA: Oh, nonsense,
of course he's hired!

Stacy, show this nice man
his quarters

and work out
some sort of wages with him.

-Ah, what's your name?
-Priory, madam.

Thank you, madam,
thank you, sir.

GUMP: Yes.

Mathilda, I wish you would
stick to sticking pins

into those colored beasts

and let the household
chores to me!

-Good morning!
Good morning, dear.
-Morning, darling.

-Good morning, Uncle Chris.
-Good morning.

Millie! That chauffeur
we just hired,

he worked for a naturalist,
Sir James...

Uh, something or other,
isn't that wonderful?

Well, that's lovely!
Where's my peanut butter?

MATHILDA:
Oh, it's just my lucky day.

I wish it were mine.

I can't seem to get
that darn fuel system

put back together again.

Oh. Now, Millie,

I don't wish to sound like
an old maid aunt...

-But you're going to.
-Now you stop and listen.

But I've just paid
the bill for that racing car
you bought,

and I think that $24,000

is absolutely shocking to pay

for that...
(STAMMERING) That plaything!

It's not a plaything.

It's a Cooper Climax,
and it's the finest

piece of machinery
made in the world!

I mean, you have four
perfectly good cars already.

Well, not like
this one, I don't.

Well, what are you going
to use it for?

Oh, didn't I tell you?

I'm going to race it in
the International Grand Prix

-next week.
-You are?

-You are not!
-Oh!

Did you hear what
she said, Mathilda?

I think she's lost her mind!
You'll get yourself killed!

Well, let her do
what she wants to, dear,

if it makes her happy.

Yes, it'll make me very happy.

There's a great deal
more to life

than just
making yourself happy.

Self-gratification
is a disease

-that preys on
rich young girls like you...
-Ooh, ooh!

Now you stop that and listen!

Are you going to start that
whole marriage lecture

-all over again?
-I most certainly am.

Have you ever once considered
that you're depriving

your dear grandmother,
who loves you dearly,

(STAMMERING) the pleasure
of a grandchild?

Oh, Granny, not you, too?

Well, I never said
anything about it,

but of course
every woman dreams

of cuddling and caring
for a dear little baby again.

Well.

Gee, if I...
If I really thought

it meant that much
to you, I...

You'd make me
the happiest woman
in the world!

You see?

It's time you started
thinking of doing something

for your grandmother.

Well, I never really thought
about being a mother before.

I'd probably be
very good at it.

-Yes, you would.
-Excuse me, miss.

The man from the garage has
just brought this.

Oh, good, my carburetor!

Oh, for goodness sakes, Stacy,
it's not gonna bite you.

You know, uh,
marriage and babies

might be fun for a change.

She'll need careful guidance
in choosing the right husband.

-Hmm.
-Millicent with a baby.

Won't that be heaven?

JOHNNY: All right, all right,
now try the backhand.

All right, Johnny, why...
Why the backhand?

-That's it.
-All right.

-No, no.
-Why, Johnny?

Keep your eye on
the ball, hmm?

-Choose this mallet, Johnny.
Look.
-Yeah.

Well, you keep trying,
that's it. Oh, that's great.

All right, you're on
your own now, Gaspy.

All right, Johnny.
All right, Johnny.

Here I go. Here I go.

(GRUNTING)

If you could only cook
like you play gin rummy.

(CHUCKLING)

ZOLTAN: How's Gaspard doing
with the horse?

Well, one thing
I'll say for this guy,

he's really trying.

-If you want my advice...
-Will you stop talking
and deal?

All right, all right,
take it easy.

You playing gin rummy?

What's this?

Hey, come here.

Come on.

PRIORY: And the letterhead
did the trick.

"Sir James Smith Bingham."

She took the bait beautifully,
and I've got the job.

Shows the value
of planning, eh, Janine?

Now, a rare bit of luck, sir.

The girl's taken it
into her head to get married.

-No!
-I heard them
on the terrace.

This Doctor Gump's going to
look for eligible young men.

He wants someone
of breeding and nobility.

PIMM: Oh, isn't that obliging
of the old goat?

Well, we have Gaspard for him.

We trained him, uh,

we taught him how to ride,
how to speak...

Well, now, so that's what
you're up to, huh?

All these weeks.
That's why we're here.

Now, gentlemen,
gentlemen, please.

I don't know what
you heard, but, uh...

There must be some
misunderstanding.

Oh, no, oh, no,
I don't think there's

any misunderstanding,
actually, do you?

-No.
-No, I don't think so.

No.

Who were you gonna
stick him with?

How dare you use
that tone with Mr. Pimm?

Of all the horrid, slimy...

(ALL PROTESTING)

Please, I just said,
"Who is he going

"to stick him with,"
what's wrong with that?

Please, calm down, I...
I can't blame him, really.

Well, then,

you have stumbled onto
our little hobby.

(CHUCKLING) I suppose
it's no good denying.

Hobby, he calls it, blimey.

I've heard of girls called
some disgraceful names before,

but hobby?

Not at all what
you think, Julian.

Have you ever stopped
to consider

how many wealthy women
there are in this world?

I can't say I have.

Well, I can tell you,
there are literally

hundreds and hundreds
of the little darlings.

And every year brings
a new crop of the dear
young things

whose fathers have
left sensible wills.

Mr. Pimm doesn't go about
sticking people,

as you so badly put it.

On the contrary,
Mr. Pimm has put together

74 perfect marriages
all over the world.

Ah, gentlemen,
would you follow me, please?

Let me show you.

Where the pins indicate, see?

Buenos Aires,
New York, Paris, Madrid.

The entire world is
our nuptial office.

And look.

Look at these happy couples...

And their offspring.

How many was it
at last count, Janine?

-112?
-JANINE: 114.

Ooh, yes, yes, I forgot.

Uh, the Hiphoff twins
in Portugal.

So, don't stand there
looking smug and condemning.

We are proud of our
contribution to happiness.

Well, how about that?

So, that's the big secret
you have stumbled upon.

My delight in life,
my hobby, if you will.

Arranging suitable marriages

between people
of taste and breeding.

-And money.
-My dear Johnny,

man does not live
by wedding cake alone.

I admit, uh, I accept
a sizeable consideration

from the groom once
the marriage is consummated.

What do you think of that?

He's running
a matrimonial bureau!

A tip of the old skimmer
to you, Pimm.

It's absolutely brilliant!

Thank you, but, but...

I am not an opportunist.

Oh, no, no, no, if I...

If I find that the couples are

not compatible
during courtship,

I desist at once
and sent the chap packing.

Uh, you know,
there's one thing
I don't understand, though.

How come you picked
this fellow Gaspard
of all people?

Well, Gaspard happens to be
the Grand Duke

Gaspard Isidro du Clouseau,

the last descendant of
the great Sultan of Granada.

Gaspard a Grand Duke,
are you kidding?

That poor clod?

JANINE: He is not a clod!

I think you are all being
dreadful to him.

He is trying his best.

Let us say
he has come a long way

under your tutelage,
gentlemen.

As a matter of fact,
I think we are about ready now

to arrange a meeting
between boy and girl.

ZOLTAN: But, uh,
who is the girl, monsieur?

Eh, her name is
Millicent Mehaffey,

an American whose father
left her 40 million.

(WHISTLING)

Exactly. So we are
trying to arrange a...

A marriage between Gaspard
and Miss $40 Million.

Anyone want to pull out?

SOAMES: I think
it's delightful.

Gaspy'll be my own
little Galatea.

PIMM: Johnny?

Well, why not him?
She's gotta marry somebody.

Eh, Monsieur Pimm,

exactly what is my role,
if you please?

Oh, my dear fellow, you,

you are the bait

to catch her uncle,
Doctor Gump.

Dreadful man.

But we have found his,
uh, weakness.

He fancies himself a gourmet.

ZOLTAN: Oh, really?

So you will be tickling
his palate.

And to be sure that
we know his whereabouts,

Priory here has been engaged
as their chauffeur.

JOHNNY: I bet I know why.

Yes, Johnny.
Thank you, Janine.

In my hobby, I have found
one inflexible rule.

If you want to know
what goes on in a house,

you have to have somebody
downstairs to keep you posted.

Well, we're all set.

Now we start Phase Number Two.
The meeting.

Well, I got to hand it
to you, man,

you got things
all figured out.

Why not?

After all,
we are superior people.

What could possibly go wrong?

(LAUGHING)

(CUP SHATTERS)

Good Lord!

Johnny! I hit it!

Oh, what a tragedy!

When everything was
going so well.

I am awfully sorry,
really I am,

-I don't know what to say.
-It's all right, it's all
right, it's all right.

Don't worry,
it wasn't your fault.

Unforeseen events.

(SIGHS)

We'll make some adjustments.

We'll have to find a new
chauffeur to replace Priory

in the Mehaffeys' house.

Eh? Oh, not me, sir.

I can cook, but I can't drive.

Oh. Soames?

I can't do either.

Uh-uh, no.

No, no, mmm-mmm.

-Hi.
-Hi.

Do you know what
you're doing here now?

-Yes, I do.
-I see.

Well, you leave that
fuel line there,

you're gonna be in
all kinds of trouble.

You know that, don't you?

I happen
to know what I'm doing.

Who are you?

Well, I just might be
the new chauffeur.

Well, they don't need any.

Oh? Well, do you know
what they might need?

They might need somebody to
keep chambermaids like you

away from high powered
Cooper engines like this.

Look, don't tell me
how to work on this car!

-I know it very well.
-You got this thing

all fouled up here, honey.

You don't leave
a fuel line laying there...

Don't call me "honey"!

All right.

What a nut.

GUMP: Broke his arm,
now how could that be?

We just hired the man
yesterday.

JOHNNY: Yes, well, it was
a very peculiar accident.

He was... He was hit
by a polo ball.

-Now who the devil's
playing polo around here?
-What, I, I...

That's the wildest story
I ever heard,
and who are you?

Just walk off the streets
and expect us to hire you?

Yes, well, I'm Priory's
American cousin, sir.

As you can see,
if you look at that letter,

that I have worked for some
pretty good families,

and I think I've pleased them.

I, I'm, uh, very dependable.

I'm, uh, very careful.

I don't drink or, uh...

Or what?

Why, um, I... I just, uh...

I don't really do very much
of anything.

What does that mean,
"I don't do much of anything"?

Uh, it means that...

I'm sure that I don't...

I wouldn't do anything that
would be objectionable to you.

(WHISPERING)
What does she do here?

(WHISPERING)
She owns the place.

-No.
-Owns the place.

That answer your question?

Yes, it does.

What are you whispering about?

You're not thinking of
hiring him, are you?

I'll take care of the affairs
of the help, young lady.

(SIGHS) I'd like to have
a French chauffeur.

Your grandmother doesn't speak
French, and you know that.

Okay.

But all the American
chauffeurs we've had, um,

always tried to seduce me.

Millicent! (CHUCKLING)

Well, it's true!

Sir, listen.

I give you my word, I'm just
a clean-cut American boy

who likes apple pie
and root beer.

You see?

(SIGHING)

All right,
I'll give you a try.

You can take me
to the Hotel Metropole.

If I like the way you drive,
I'll get you a uniform,

and we'll keep you on.

Now you can get the Bentley
and bring it out front.

Yes, sir.

That's a nice lad.

I think he'll work out fine.

I don't like him.

We're leaving now.
I'm taking Gump

to the Metropole Hotel
in Beaulieu.

Very good, Johnny,
I'm on my way.

Yes, yes, I'll bring Maurice.

Ah, Carlo, get Zoltan.

Tell him the curtain is
going up.

(LAUGHING)

Oh, it's so easy to make money
when you're clever.

It's embarrassing.

I know that
you know everyone here...

-Oh, we certainly do.
-And I want a man

of breeding and good family.

That's a difficult order,
Christian.

-Oh?
-The Cote d'Azur has
been ravaged.

-Am I right, CiCi?
-Ah! Ravaged.

There aren't any
choice men around anymore.

Well, listen,

I rented the Villa Florentine

to a Grand Duke the other day.

All Grand Dukes
are decrepit old men.

Tell you what you should do,
Christian, give a party.

-A party?
-Yes. A real, huge party.

The kind we used to have
on the Riviera.

-Yes!
-That will attract

all the available
young men around.

How about tomorrow afternoon?

-Good!
-Now you girls

-spread the word, mmm-hmm?
-Oh, we will.

And I'll order
a truckload of Champagne,

and we'll have it on
the terrace where...

-Now, what's the matter?
-I think that's

the most beautiful smell
I've ever smelled.

(LAUGHING)

Excuse me, eh, monsieur!

Uh, what is that?

It's a creation of mine, sir.

Gigot d'agneau
a la Roquebrune,

with very small and tasty
champignons.

Gigot d'agneau, oh,
it sounds beautiful.

Bring me some,
would you please, chef?

-I beg your pardon?
-Excuse me, sir,

but this gentlemen
doesn't work here.

-He's a friend of mine.
-Why, but it's Monsieur Pimm!

Pimmsy! What in the world
are you doing here?

My dear. Darling,
I didn't see you there.

You are as beautiful as ever.

Breathtaking!

You're such a liar,
but don't stop, I adore it.

-Now, you know CiCi,
don't you?
-Yes, yes, of course I do.

And this is
an old friend of mine

from America,
Doctor Christian Gump.

-Monsieur Etienne Pimm.
-How do you do?

How do you do?
May I present my friend,

Monsieur Maurice Zoltan.

Zoltan?

The Maurice Zoltan who wrote
the famous cookbook?

-Right.
-Well, this is

absolutely fantastic.

-Would you join us, please?
-Oh, thank you.

I'm sorry I was
so abrupt with you,

but, uh, Monsieur Zoltan
doesn't work here, you know.

-Oh?
-He just came
to prepare my lunch.

He's a friend of
the chef's here.

Monsieur Zoltan is
cooking for the Grand Duke

-I was telling you about.
-Right.

Here, sir,
do try some of these.

Oh, thank you, Zoltan.

Oh, please, now,
won't you sit down?

Oh, thank you very much.

Well, this is really
a pleasant surprise.

Do you know, I've read
your cookbook for years?

It's the very best
of its kind.

-Absolutely brilliant!
-Oh, thank you, sir.

Are you interested
in good food?

Well, I'm sort of an amateur.

Nothing quite
as grand as you, sir.

You know, you're a very famous
person in cooking circles.

Mmm... Ah.

The aroma is surpassed
only by the taste.

Absolutely brilliant.

You're very kind, sir.

As you're interested in food,

I must tell you,
this morning in the market

I found the most perfect
white doves.

-GUMP: Ah.
-Very rare, now,

-you know, these days...
-Yes.

And for the dinner tonight,

I will prepare
salmis de palombe,

white doves
with red wine sauce.

It's a country dish from
the Basque Pyrenees.

...and also,
just a drop of cognac.

-Very old cognac.
-Delicious!

Scientific as well as
artistic, my dear Zoltan.

Ah, Davis, I won't
be needing you.

I'm dining with
Mr. Pimm at his villa.

ZOLTAN: You know,
in Perigord, they...

(SPEAKING FRENCH)

Oh, Michelline, go empty

all the water
out of my carafe.

(SPEAKING FRENCH)

Now, I don't know why you're
being so finicky, Davis.

-I just don't like to...
-It's only a chauffeur's
uniform.

-I don't like to wear...
-Well, well, well,
take this one, try that on.

-I... I...
-Is there something
I can do for you, Miss?

My carafe was empty,
and I was just
dying of thirst.

(SPEAKING FRENCH)

Did you ever
just scream for a plain,

ordinary old glass of water?

Must be horrible
to be lost in the desert

where there is no water,
don't you imagine?

Ah, merci.

-Ah.
-Is that better, Miss?

Yes, thank you.

Anything you require, Miss.

-Ugh.
-That's the best one.

-No, I don't like it.
-Why not?

Well, I... Why not?

I just don't wear hats,
that's all.

Well, you have to wear a hat.

Why?

Because all my chauffeurs
wear hats.

Oh, I see, well, then,

you will have
the distinction of having

the only chauffeur
on the Riviera

that does not wear a hat.

You'll find
the chauffeur's quarters
at the back of the house.

Go through the door at the end
of the corridor...

Never mind, Stacy,
I'm going that way.

I'll show him.

Follow me.

-What do they call you?
-Davis.

Davis what?

No, it's not Davis what,
it's John Davis.

It's... My first name is John.

Well, this is pretty ghastly,
isn't it?

Oh, this'll do just fine.

Well, it's so
small and depressing.

I don't see how anybody
could live in it.

I know what I'll do!

-What?
-I'll knock out
this wall for you

and have it made into
a sitting room.

And then we'll have it
painted and decorated...

Hey, wait a sec,
come on, please.

I'm just the chauffeur,
remember?

Just stop worrying
about me, will ya, huh?

I'm fine, this is just...
Just great.

(SINGING)

Why are you
a chauffeur, Davis?

Why not? It's a good job.

Three square meals a day,
drive real nice cars,

work for a very pretty girl
like you.

I'm happy.

Well, there's a great deal
more to life

than just being happy,
you know.

Oh, well, I'll settle
for just being happy.

What, are you gonna
go through life a happy,

grinning boob of a chauffeur?

Why don't you make
something of yourself?

Will you excuse me, please?

Look, if you wanna stick
around, that's all right
with me,

but I've got to kind of unpack

and straighten up around here,
do you mind?

-Are you dismissing me?
-No, I'm not dismissing you.

In case nobody told you,

I'm the high mucky-muck
around here.

I'm Millicent the nut,

I'm the heiress,
and I give the orders.

All right, come on now,
please, let's not start out

by fighting and raising
our voices to each other.

You just let me enjoy my life,

and I'll let you enjoy
your life,

and we'll get along just fine.

I mean, not that
your life is anything

to speak about, you know,
of course.

Uh, what is it, $40 million,

a very nice home, good looks?

But cheer up, honey,
I'm sure things

will get a lot better.

Davis. Do me a favor?

Yeah, what?

Wash all the cars.

Ah, wash all the cars?

All of them.

Inspection at 5:30,

and they'd better be ready
or else!

Or else what?

Ever wax a Bentley
by moonlight, honey?

Not only the casserole,

but the fish de Boux was
absolutely brilliant.

Thanks to my new opening, see?

Look, look what's coming.

Good heavens.

Look at this.
What is it, Zoltan?

Custard Fantastique.

Shaped in the image of
your Boston Insurance Company.

Ah, Zoltan.

I'm deeply touched.
I don't know
quite what to say.

-Bon appetit, monsieur.
-Bon appetit.

PIMM: Merci, Maurice.

Etienne,
what a magnificent meal.

Tell me, do you eat this way
every night?

Every meal is
an adventure with Zoltan.

Etienne, dear friend,

let me thank you for a most
memorable evening.

And I want you to thank
your friend, the Grand Duke.

Oh, my dear Christian,
it's been great fun for me.

Finding a fellow like you,

who loves good table

and good talk,
ah, believe me...

Come on, here we go.

-The other arm.
-He'll never
believe me, Janine,

he'll never believe me.
I want to... Yes...

Oh, come on.

-No, no, no, just carry it.
-Oh, just carry it.
-Come on.

Now, don't forget the line
about the banker and about
the government people.

The govern... Yeah,
the government people, yes.

You can't imagine
how difficult it is

to get a good chess game
around here.

You're absolutely right,
Etienne.

You know, it's not
as common as checkers.

Oh, I'm terribly sorry,
I had no idea...

No, no, Gaspard,
please, please, come in.

I want you to meet a dear
new friend of mine,

-Doctor Gump.
-How do you do, sir?

Christian, this is
the Grand Duke

Gaspard Isidro du Clouseau.

The Grand Duke?

Your majesty.

-Absolutely a pleasure.
-Thank you.

Madame Girardin
told me that all Grand Dukes

are doddering old men.

(LAUGHING) Not this one.

Well, I give the Grand Duke
whatever guidance I can.

Between us, what I mostly do

is keep the girls
away from him.

-Oh, no.
-Oh, yes, you don't know.

So many of the young girls
today are just out

to marry a title!

Disgraceful.
Well, we'll hold them off

until the right one
comes along,

won't we, dear boy?

I'll see you in the morning
for my bank appointment.

Oh, and at 10:00,
we have the government people.

Don't let me forget,
now, Etienne.

Good night, sir,
it's been a great pleasure.

Your majesty.

My goodness, what a cake!

What delicious calories.

Let's not forget
the waistline.

-(MEN LAUGHING)
-Good night, gentlemen.

Ah, charming fellow.

Etienne,

this is a fantastic
coincidence.

Yes?

I have a young niece
who I, uh, watch after.

She's sort of, uh, rudderless.

-Really?
-Really.

And I'm giving a party for her
tomorrow, in her honor.

And I want you
and your young friend

the Grand Duke to come.

Well, personally,
I'd be delighted,

but, uh, you know,

the Grand Duke has so many
calls on his time.

Uh... I doubt really that,

on such short notice, he...

But you must bring him!

You must beg him,
please, implore him.

All right, uh, I'll do
whatever I can.

Excellent!

(CHUCKLING)

I have something in mind.
(CHUCKLING)

Wouldn't it be something
if my niece and your friend,

the Grand Duke, should, uh,

la-da-de-da-dah?

(LAUGHING) Oh, Christian.

You are a romanticist.
A daydreamer.

We shall see. We shall see.

If that's not enough,
let them drink soda pop.

-Morning, everybody.
-Oh, good morning, dear.

Morning.

Where were you last night?

GUMP: Oh, I had dinner
with a friend.

Oh? Was she attractive?

Now, Millicent, I don't want
you speaking this way

in front of your grandmother!

-What's he talking about?
-I don't know.

-What are you making?
-Oh! Little wool booties.

Oh, aren't they cute!
Who are they for?

For you!

You told me you were going
to have a baby!

Millicent, you're not
going to disappoint me again.

(CHUCKLING) Darling,

of course I wouldn't
disappoint you,

but, uh, I meant when
the right man comes along.

A good man is hard to come by
these days.

GUMP: Well, I don't know
about that, young lady.

Just last night, I had dinner
with a Grand Duke.

Young, handsome,
and available.

As a matter of fact,
he's coming to the party
this afternoon.

Party? What party?

Oh, did I forget to tell you?

Yes, you certainly did.

Well, your grandmother and I
are giving a party for you.

(SIGHS)

Well, thanks a lot
for telling me.

Well, you said yourself

that marriage and babies
might be fun for a change.

So I've arranged for you to
meet some nice young men.

It's the best way, dear,

if you want to become
a mother, you know.

Absolutely right!

Every available young man
on the Riviera

will be here to meet you,
including this Grand Duke

I was talking about,
his name is...

Would you please
stop pushing men at me?

When I decide to get married,
I'll choose the man.

You're being selfish again.

It's time you started thinking
of other people's happiness

and show some consideration!

Would you please just
leave me alone?

That girl!

MATHILDA: Oh, well.

I suppose it was foolish of me

to hope for another
grandchild, anyway.

No, it's not, Mathilda!

The girl has no consideration.

She's selfish
and self-centered.

MATHILDA: That's not
true, Chris!

Millie is just trying
to find herself.

She's a good girl.

I won't have you talking
that way about her.

I love her.

But wait a minute.

She says, "Next time
you come back, mon petit,

"you bring Champagne."

(CLEARS THROAT)

Sorry to interrupt
your social life

for business, Davis.

Oh, I was just telling
a little story I heard
about, uh...

Yes, I bet you were.

Would you get out my Maserati?
I'd like to go to town.

Fine. Where are we going?

-School.
-What?

School!

Fine.

All right.

-Oh, Davis.
-Hmm?

You forgot something.

I thought we decided
I wasn't gonna wear a hat.

I never decided
any such thing.

Move over. I'm driving.

(ENGINE REVVING)

(TIRES SCREECHING)

What do you think
you're doing?

All right. You want to
kill yourself in this hot rod,

you go right ahead,
but you're not taking me
along with you.

-Now, move over!
-I'm not moving!

I said, move over.

What? I would like to know
who you think you are...

Stop... Would you just,
just calm down, will you?

Now I'm going to drive you
nice and safe and sane,

like a good chauffeur.

All right. You're fired!

Yes, fine, all right.

There now, wasn't that better?

Don't you talk to me.

Put this on.

What's with you and this hat?

I'm not gonna discuss it
with you.

Put it on, that's an order!

No hat!

If you don't put it on,
you're fired!

All right, I'm going
to save you the trouble.

I quit!

Well, good riddance!

(BELL RINGING)

(SPEAKING FRENCH)

Merci.

(MEN SPEAKING FRENCH)

-Au revoir, au revoir.
-Bonsoir.

(DISTANT SIREN BLARING)

I thought you quit.

Well, I needed the job.

Where to?

Ballet school.

Ballet school?

(ENGINE STARTING)

You're right, that hat does
look kind of silly on you.

Ah, well.

Thank you.

(CHILDREN SINGING IN FRENCH)

Say, what are
we stopping here for?

Oh, there's something
I want to look at.

-Come on!
-All right.

-You know what these are?
-Hmm? No, what?

And you call
yourself a driver?

These are the winners of
the International Grand Prix.

-Oh?
-Look. Brabham,

Fangio, Chiron, Sommer,

all the great racing drivers
of the world.

And you know something else?

What?

Someday, I'm gonna be
the first woman

to win this race.

My name's going
to go on a plaque

just like one of these.

Oh, yes, your name is going
to go on a plaque, all right.

And do you know what
it's going to say?

It's going to say...

"Here lies Millicent the nut,

"who

"skidded on a turn
and broke her butt."

Oh, you're so smart,
aren't you?

What would you know
about racing?

Too bad you're
only a chauffeur, Johnny.

Bonjour, bonjour.

How are you? Hello there!

Ooh! Excuse me!

Look at the way she's dressed!

Oh, bonjour!

-Is she kidding?
-With $40 million,

what difference does it make?

Darling! I wanted to ask you,

did you find somebody
for me yet?

Well, but I thought you didn't
want to rush into it.

Oh, no, I changed my mind.

I think we should
find somebody.

-Of course!
-Tell you what.

When you find
the right person,

I want you to give me
a nod, all right?

Yes, I will.

Bye-bye.

(MOUTHING)

My name is Freddie,
and I am a Count,

which is very nice.

Also, this meeting is fate.

Watch the toes.

Never have I married,

knowing someday
I would meet the right girl.

-My name is Freddie.
-Yes, so you said.

Oh... Toes.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

There is so little time
for love and happiness.

Let us seize the moment, no?

-Yes, yes.
-Millicent?

Will you marry me?

Will you spend
your life with me,

my adorable creature?

I am terribly sorry,
gentlemen.

She is somewhat, uh,
unpredictable at times.

This seems to be
one of those times.

-She's absolutely
lovely, doctor.
-Yes.

Okay, everybody, get lost!

We choose this one.

(MILLIE SHRIEKING)

Millicent, there's someone

very important I want
you to meet,

so try to conduct
yourself properly.

Ugh.

Millicent, I want you to meet
my very dear and close friend.

Monsieur Pimm, this is my
niece, Millicent Mehaffey.

How do you do?
You are absolutely adorable.

Well, thank you, so are you,
monsieur.

You have a lovely
and gentle face,

-and I like you!
-Thank you, Miss Millicent.

And now I want you to meet,
uh, His Grace,

the Grand Duke
Gaspard du Clouseau.

I am so very happy
to meet you.

Is that Guy Beausoleil, too?

Miss Mehaffey.

Just call me Millie.

Ah, he's the best one so far.

-Millicent...
-He's a complete dream!

Don't overdo it.

You're absolutely
adorable-ish.

And I choose you!

Oh, do you like racing cars?

Isn't it odd that

she should mention
that, Etienne?

Coincidence, dear boy.

Racing cars is my hobby.

That's mine, too!

Oh. I'm driving a Mercedes

in the International
Grand Prix next week.

I'm driving in that race!

Oh, that's marvelous.

Would you like to
come with me,

and I'll show you my Cooper?

If that doesn't
sound like a proposition,

I don't know what does.

They make a handsome couple,
don't they?

Well, I only hope
the Grand Duke likes her.

Oh! She's lovely.

Of course, he meets
lots of girls.

Well, I only dare
hope that he sees beneath

the Champagne girl and sees
her for what she really is.

Of course he will.

In fact, I'm sure of it.

(LAUGHING)
Ah, what a perfect meeting.

It couldn't have gone better.

Rich Millie met poor Gaspard
and liked him instantly!

(SIGHING)

Now... The courtship begins.

We must all work harder
than ever.

Now, Gaspard, remember,

you must seize
every opportunity

to show her your love.

Everywhere!

Skillfully, tenderly...

An embrace here, a kiss there,

while driving your car,

at the dinner, at the theater,

while riding your horses,
while swimming...

Excuse me, uh...

On a horse?

Why, naturally, why not?

What's so extraordinary
about that?

Would you get up,
Janine, please?

Now, turn your chair around

and pretend you're riding.

Sit down, now,
the two of you, alone,

on a bridle trail,

in the midst of nature.

Start your horses.

What could be more romantic?

The sun shining.

Beautiful trees blooming.

The birds are singing.

And when you think
the moment is right,

lean across, take her hand,

and very tenderly

press it to your lips

in a sweet summer kiss.

Ah, what could be
more romantic?

Gaspard! Come down.

(SNEEZING)

Oh, you're a marvelous dancer!

Thank you.

(CYMBALS CRASHING)

Oh! Gaspard! Gaspard!

(ALL TALKING AT ONCE)

-Hold still.
-Why couldn't my father

have been a beer salesman?

A beer salesman?

Yes, or a farmer
or a cement mixer.

-Why?
-Well, then I wouldn't
be a Grand Duke,

and I wouldn't be in
this ridiculous situation.

I'm not good at this type
of thing, Janine.

Ooh. Poor you.

Well, once you're
married to her,

things will be better.

I never knew my mother.

She died when
I was just a little baby.

But in the castle where
I grew up,

that was before my father
lost all his money...

There was a painting
of my mother.

She was such
a beautiful woman.

-Really?
-Yes.

But you're the first woman
I can say is

even prettier than my mother.

That's a beautiful compliment.

All my life I've had a vision

of the woman I would
someday meet

and fall in love with.

Oh, Janine.

Gaspard...

What's going on here?

JANINE: Oh, I was just, uh...

Come, come, Gaspard,
we'll be late

for the Mehaffey luncheon.

Yes, sir.

What do you think
you're doing?

Oh, don't fool around with
our investment.

I'm surprised at you, Janine.

(GASPARD LAUGHING)

I ran down Gaspard's family
as you asked me, Chris.

-Yes?
-He's absolutely genuine.

A bona fide Grand Duke.

And I was sure he would be!

(HUMMING)

Hi.

Hi.

Aren't you gonna ask me in?

Well, sure, come on in.

Well, what happened? I thought
the party was downstairs.

Well, I got bored with it,

so I thought
I'd bring it up here.

You like Champagne?

Sure, why not?

You know, I, uh, wasn't
expecting company.

-Davis?
-Mmm-hmm?

May I ask you a question?

Yeah, what?

How come you never pay
any attention to me?

Well...

Do you think I'm attractive?

Yeah, I guess so.

What?

Yes.

Think I have a nice body?

Well, I haven't looked.

Well, look now.

That's very nice.

Uh, look, do you mind?
I, uh...

Well, then, why don't
you close the door

and seduce me like
any other normal chauffeur?

Oh, I never seduce my
employers on Thursday.

What's wrong with Thursday?

Why, it's my day off.

Thanks for the drink, boss.

Are you going to meet a woman?

Well, now, you know,
there's one good thing

about a man's day off.

He doesn't have
to answer any questions.

Is she prettier than me?

Well, uh...

She's a heck of a lot
more stable,

that's for sure.

Do you know her intimately?

Well, let's just say we've
spent a lot of nights at
sea together.

Any more questions?

Oh, and have a good time
at the party.

I'll see you later.

Hi, Johnny! How are ya?

Hi.

Hi.

This is a nice boat.

-Yeah.
-Is it yours?

Yeah, it's mine, it's, uh...

Yeah, that's my boat.

I, uh, see what you mean by
her being more stable than me.

(CHUCKLING) Right.

-Oh!
-Hmm?

What happened there?

Yeah, well, I had
a little accident, uh...

You mind if I keep working?

Oh, no, no, don't mind me.

Look, excuse me, again.

Well, it certainly is
a nice boat.

Yeah, you...

It's a real nice boat.
Hmm. Right?

-Yeah.
-Right.

Um, would it be all right

if I kinda
hung around for a while?

Well, if, uh...

If you do, you know,
I'm gonna put you to work.

You mean that?

Yeah, why not?

Oh, I'd like that!

I... I'd like that very much.

I'm very good at
working on boats, you know.

-You're kidding.
-No, I'm serious!

I have a boat, and I...
I do a lot of things on it.

I'm very good with my hands.

Carpentry, anything you want.

Oh, come on.

Well, you can't,
dressed like...

-Oh...
-Well, all right.

There's, uh, there's some
old clothes up in the cabin.

-Suppose you change.
-Up... Upstairs?

Hmm. Yeah, upstairs.

Oh, good! I... I'll be
very good, too, you'll see.

-Yeah, well...
-Thank you.

That's all right,
don't mention it.

Well, I'm ready.

What do you want me to do?

Well, you know
how to use a paintbrush?

As good as anybody.

All right.

Suppose you start on the hull.

That's downstairs.

-Oops!
-Beg your pardon.

(HORN BLARING)

(HORN CONTINUES BLARING)

(INDISTINCT TALK)

(ALL LAUGHING AND SHOUTING)

-(HORN STOPS)
-ALL: Oh...

Whoa, hold it, hold it.

Come on, let me
give you a hand here.

-You all right?
-Yeah.

A little tired.

And you must be hungry by now.

Mmm-hmm.

Suppose you wash up,
I'll take you to dinner.

Okay, thanks.

I only hope
I didn't ruin your boat

by working on it
this afternoon.

No, as a matter of fact,
if ever you need it, I'll...

I tell you what I'll do,
I'll write you

a letter of recommendation
to the Maritime Union.

-How's that?
-Thank you.

Why not?

My, that's nice music.

Yeah.

(SIGHS)

It certainly would
be nice to dance to it.

-Hey, Johnny!
-Hi, Pierre.

-How's the boat coming?
-Oh, fine, thanks.

Bye, now.

So, you're very lucky.

DAVIS: How's that?

You've got a lot of friends,
and they...

They all seem
to take you on face value,

that's very nice. I envy you.

Oh, I don't think
you've got anything to envy.

Well, you know,
it's not that easy

being an heiress.

Every time I like somebody,
then my money gets in the way.

Get rid of it.

Well, now,
that's a silly solution.

I'm already spoiled, and...

I like luxury, I'm used to it.

Besides, I don't think
I could adjust

to being poor
overnight like you.

-You still want to dance?
-Yeah.

-Johnny?
-Yeah, what?

Would you ask
the woman you marry to live on

that funny, old boat of yours?

Yes. And you know something?

The woman I marry will like
that boat of mine, see?

Well, what about the kids?

What about 'em?

Well, I'd hate to
have my kids grow up with...

Without a backyard to play in.

Look, my kids will make out
just fine, thank you.

I want my children
to grow up with

all the advantages
money can buy.

Fine, that's fine.

But you know something,
I want my children to grow up

with a lot of advantages
that money can't buy.

Now, what's wrong with money?

I buy a lot of nice things
in life

-with money.
-Yes, I... I know you do.

I just say they have to...
They should earn their money.

They shouldn't have things
just handed to them

on a silver platter, you know.

You understand that,
surely, huh?

Well, I think that's selfish.
I think you're...

-It's not...
-...depriving the children.

I'm not depriving them
of anything!

They got to know
the value of money.

There's nothing wrong with
that, now is there, tell me...

MAN: Come on, Johnny,
let the kids have money.

-Pierre, you keep
out of this... What?
-There, you see, you see?

You're selfish,
and you're depriving them,

-and even your friends...
-I am not selfish!

You know what the trouble is?

You're just a little mixed-up,
that's all.

-That's all. Yes!
-A little!

I'm a lot mixed-up.

Well, I guess it's that kind
of a world, isn't it?

I guess so.

Good night.

Good night.

It's been a lovely day.

One of the happiest times
of my life.

Hello, dear!

Have a nice evening?

Beautiful.

Just beautiful.

Any day now.

-Hi.
-JANINE: Oh, hello, Johnny.

How is everything?

Well...

Have you had dinner?

-JOHNNY: Yeah, I had dinner.
-(CAR DOORS CLOSING)

(CAR DRIVING AWAY)

All this time,
I thought she was fooling!

Merely childish prattle
about driving

in the International
Grand Prix tomorrow.

No, she wasn't fooling.

Right, and that's why
I've called this meeting.

This is our first
major crisis.

Do you realize the investment

we all have
in Gaspard and her?

I won't let her jeopardize
all our plans by going out

on a racetrack
and getting herself killed.

We have to stop her.

It's a little late for that,
isn't it?

Well, that's
why we're all here,

to come up with an idea.

Come, come, start thinking!

All right, the floor is
open for suggestions.

(CHUCKLING)

What is it?

I got it, listen. Now look,

the day of the race,
you know, just before the...

Oh, man, she's not gonna
like me at all.

All right.

Oh, good morning.
Did you sleep well?

Ow! What... What'd you
do that for?

Don't even speak to me!

What, what, Millie?
What's going on here?

Don't let last night fool you.

I kiss all my chauffeurs once.

-It's a hobby!
-I thought

that you and me were
gonna start to...

You thought? You're not being
paid to think.

You're being paid to get that
car down to Monte Carlo.

-Now move it!
-All right!

-All right what?
-All right, you nut.

Ooh!

(ENGINE REVVING)

(RACE ANNOUNCER
SPEAKING FRENCH)

(ENGINES REVVING)

GASPARD: Hello, Millie!
MILLIE: Hello, Gaspard.

Johnny! It's the big day, uh?

Good luck, Millie. Good luck.

(ENGINES REVVING)

Hi.

All right now,
listen to me very carefully.

You hang back at the start.

-Yes.
-You trail into the tunnel.

-Yes.
-Now, when you get
to the big curve,

you're gonna have
engine trouble,

and you're gonna
fall out of the race.

-Now, you got that?
-Oh, Johnny.

-I think I could...
-Wait a minute, you do...

You do what I tell you,
you hear?

You're a nice guy.

I don't want to see you
get yourself killed.

Starter!

(ENGINES REVVING)

Start her!

Switch on!

Come on, would you?
They're in position!

(ENGINE SPUTTERING)

Oh!

Bloody! There's no engine!

Davis!

I'll kill him! I'll kill him!

-Oh, you!
-Look, I did it
for your own good.

-Don't you understand that?
-That race meant

everything to me,
and you ruined it!

Oh, do you want excitement?
Is that what you want in life?

-Get in the car.
-I will not!

-I said get in the car.
-I won't, you make me, you...

Oh, you won't? All right.

Oh! You!

You stay there!
You stay right there!

I'm not getting into
any car...

(ENGINE REVVING)

(TIRES SCREECHING)

(TIRES SCREECHING)

Now, Millicent, you must
turn around and listen.

I am older than you are,
and you'll find

that all lovers
have a falling-out period.

Not like this, they don't.

Ordinary girls don't
go around making

complete fools of themselves!

Oh, I've been
a complete gloop!

(LAUGHING) You're a very
attractive girl, Millicent.

-No, I'm not.
-Yes, you are!

-No, I'm not!
-Yes, you are, and listen!

And you'll find that...

That the course of love...

The course of true love
never runs smoothly.

You don't understand.

He has another girl.

I don't believe it.

He does!

I saw him drive off
with her last night

after he brought me home.

Another girl?

But I swear to you,
I haven't seen another girl!

Then why would she say that?

She said that
she'd made a fool of herself

because you have been seeing
another girl.

No, no, I've been
seeing Millie every day.

I take her sailing and dancing

and riding and water skiing.

We're so busy,
I don't even have

a moment to make love to her.

Let alone seeing another girl.

No, no.

I'm beginning to see
what Millie's talking about.

-Hmm.
-They need a more
romantic setting.

Yes, away from the crowds,

where there are
no distractions.

Where love can blossom

and reach
its natural conclusion.

Exactly what I had
in mind, Etienne.

Let me have
a talk with Millie.

I'm sure I can arrange it.

Well, you see, Millie,

I suppose we French

consider the art of love

somewhat differently
than other people.

I am going
to speak quite openly

about you and Gaspard.

What are you getting at?

You know, as I approach

the autumn years of my life,

I look back on the most
satisfying of relationships

in the vineyard of love.

True, I've never married,

but, uh, I have enjoyed
quite a few,

uh, affiliations

with many memorable women.

Yes, I bet you have.

(CHUCKLING) Yes, yes, indeed.

Well, the point I'm
making is that,

contrary to what
most people think,

the social whirl
on the Riviera

is not conducive to love.

No, young people in love
need the peace and quiet

of a secluded, uh,

shall we say, "haven."

Well, Millie, some years back,

I acquired a little island
in Switzerland.

Just a few hours
from here on Lake Maggiore.

I want you to use
my little villa

on Isole de Brissago.

-What for?
-As...

What for?

Well, perhaps,

in the quiet and seclusion
of this, uh,

idyllic spot, you know, the...

The young man might feel

otherwise inclined.

(SIGHING)

The young man that I mean

is not likely to feel
so inclined.

Do you mean to take him
there with me?

Oh, I... I couldn't do that.

But, my dear, why not?

Well, maybe I'm old-fashioned,

but, I mean, if a man loves
a woman for what she is,

that's one thing, but to...
To deliberately

set out to trick him
and to snare...

Oh, no, no, no.

Oh, how can you? No!

I don't mean trick him, no.

I merely suggest that
men are only mortals.

They respond to the stimuli
of beauty and flowers

in a gorgeous setting

with normal,
romantic responses.

Now, if under those
circumstances,

the young lady is, uh...

Well, that's just
the way it is, isn't it?

-Good morning, Johnny.
-Good morning.

-Where to, Miss?
-Switzerland.

-Switzerland?
-Switzerland.

Right.

(YODELING SOFTLY)

Willkommen!

(BOTH WELCOMING IN GERMAN)

(SPEAKING GERMAN)

-So long.
-Davis.

My, isn't this unusual.

Looks like something
out of a Turkish harem.

(BOTH SPEAKING GERMAN)

Your room is at here.

Now there's a lucky girl.

Hey, whose place is this?

A friend of mine
loaned it to me.

-Do you like it?
-It's crazy.

I'll see you at dinner.

Yeah.

Your bedroom is this way, sir.

Yeah, oh.

Well, here we are, sir.

I hope you'll be
very comfortable, sir.

Hey, just a minute.

-Sir?
-I... I mean,

where am I supposed to sleep?

Dinner will be
served in one hour, sir.

Yes, but...

(FLUTE MUSIC PLAYING)

(CLOCK CHIMING)

Oh, Christian,

what an evening is
about to unfold

for our two young lovers.

-Dinner is served, sir.
-Oh, yes, of course.

Well, my dear Etienne,
we sure pulled this one off!

And what do you think
they're doing now?

Well, I would say they're
about to open the Champagne.

-Yes.
-The table is glowing

with soft, romantic
candlelight...

-Good evening, gentlemen.
-Good evening, Gaspard.

-Oh, by the way...
-Yes.

-I want to talk to you
about the wedding.

You know, Christian, I insist
on giving the reception

-for our happy couple.
-Oh, my dear Etienne,

absolutely
out of the question!

-I insist on all expenses.
-Very well.

If you insist on
paying everything.

Hey!

What are you doing here?

Waiting for Millie.

You mean she went off
without you?

But that couldn't be!

Isn't she upstairs, dressing?

Stacy, did Miss Millicent
leave this morning?

Oh, yes, sir.
At 8:00 a.m., sir.

And who'd she go with?

She went alone, sir,
Davis drove her.

We must go quickly.

We have to drive all night

and hope it's not too late!

What's wrong,
it's just the chauffeur?

But you don't understand,
he's a man!

And that place is
booby-trapped.

Booby-trapped?

Dinner is served, sir.

(SOFT JAZZ PLAYING)

Good evening, Johnny.

Good evening, Miss.

Oh, please call me Millie.

Won't you sit down?

Yes, thank you very much.

With your permission, sir.

Yes, thank you.

"What mad pursuit.

"What struggle to escape.

"What wild ecstasy!"

John Keats.

I hope you don't mind, Miss.

It's a custom of the house,
with each bottle of wine.

Oh, that's lovely,
Mueller, thank you.

And now, I'll see
to your dinner.

Thank you.

(CHUCKLING)

Millie.

Yeah, well...

Hey, what's this thing here?

Oh, I'll show you.

Hey...

How about that?

Well, now.

Hope you don't mind.

It's a custom of the house.

Some house.

Slow down, Etienne!
You'll get us all killed!

Now, it's not that important
that we get there on time.

But you don't know that place!

Good night, sir.
Good night, miss.

JOHNNY: Good night.

Hmm.

Johnny, why don't
you put down your glass

and come back and tell me
about everything.

All right, I will
tell you something.

It's about my room.

And you know, it's something
very, very pecu...

Pec... Very peculiar.

-What's wrong?
-Oh, there's nothing wrong.

Uh... Oh, I don't know,

it's, but you, there...

Well, do you know that
there's no bed in my room?

-Really?
-Mmm.

How about that?

Now, where...
Where do you suppose

I'm supposed to sleep?

Hmm?

Why don't you...

Why don't you turn
the music down,

and we'll discuss it?

Yeah.

(SOFT JAZZ STOPS)

Good morning, Mueller.
Good morning, Gretl.

Good morning, Miss,
I hope you slept well.

Lovely, thank you.

Oh, isn't this
a beautiful morning?

(SPEAKING GERMAN)

I'll be right down.

MILLIE: Good morning!

-Gretl?
-Ja?

Uh, would you mind...
Could I borrow your apron?

-For what?
-Well, I'd like to, uh...

I'd like to serve Mr. Davis's
breakfast this morning.

Ah, I understand.

You know, my whole life
is going to change now.

I'm going to make a good wife,

and I'm going
to take care of my man,

and we're going to live
on a boat.

I'm going to give him
his breakfast every morning.

(HORN BLARING)

-What is that?
-It's the fresh milk, Miss.

Gabriel brings it across in
his boat every morning.

Oh, I'll get it!
You finish here, and I'll go
and get it, all right?

(BOAT ENGINE IDLING)

Good morning.

(SPEAKING ITALIAN)

You the new maid here, eh?

Yeah, that's right.

-Is that our milk?
-Yeah.

That's your milk.

Nice to have a new face
around here.

(CHUCKLING) Hands off, Romeo.

I'm bespoke already, capisce?

Too bad, say!

I hear they have another
couple here last night.

How did it go, uh?

None of your damn business.

But what a business, eh?

(SPEAKING ITALIAN)

Mr. Pimm has got
a good thing going, eh?

What a way to make a living.

Who is the rich lady stuck
with one of his boys
this time?

I hear in town
it's the chauffeur, uh?

What do you mean by that?

You a new maid.

You don't... You don't know
what Pimm uses this villa for?

-No.
-Hah!

I'll tell you
how Pimm makes his money.

Yes, please do.

(HORN BLARING)

(SPEAKING ITALIAN)

Good morning.

Oh, my.

Say, where's Miss Mehaffey?

GRETL:
Getting the morning milk.

She say she come right back.

Fine.

-DAVIS: Good morning.
-Good morning

-I'll take that.
-Well, okay...

Bon appetit.

Now what was that for?

Hey, hey! Millie!

-Where's...
-You meddling old
billy goat.

How dare you!
And you, my own uncle!

(SHOUTING OVER EACH OTHER)

Can you swim?

Millicent! No, wait, please!

Traitors! All of you!

I hate you, I hate you,
I hate you!

Millicent, you naughty girl!

You come back this moment!

It was supposed
to be Gaspard there.

On the island with you.
Davis was merely the...

Gaspard! What has
he got to do with this?

He was the intended groom.

All of us, Davis,
Zoltan, and myself,

we were all set to marry
you off to Gaspard.

However, it seems that

you fell in love with
the wrong man.

Oh! All of you!

All of you plotting
against me!

What do you think I am?

A... A box lunch or
a... A door prize

that goes to
the highest bidder?

That, that...

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

Yes, Stacy, what is it?

Excuse me, Miss Millicent.

Count Freddie is down
on the terrace,
waiting for you.

Well, go tell him
to jump in the ocean.

Yes, Miss.

You did have an appointment
to go swimming with him.

I don't care! I never want to
see another man as long...

Wait a minute.

It would teach you
all a lesson

if nobody got my money!

What are you talking about?

I'll give them a marriage
to gossip about!

Millie, Millie, Millie!

Don't do anything
silly, please!

Now, Millicent, please.

-Don't do anything foolish.
-Leave me alone!

Oh, my precious
American sweet thing.

-Here we are,
together finally.
-Here we are...

You are so adorable,
I kiss you.

Freddie, I want
to talk to you.

Yes.

Ah, you forgot I was
to take you swimming today?

I'm not in the mood
for swimming.

Yes, anything
your heart desires,

my darling sweet thing.

What would you like to do?

I want to get married.

Will you marry me?

Certainly, marry you.

Good.

What? Marry you?

Yes, of course, marry you!

Yes, marry you!

That's wonderful.
You don't have

any crazy notions about,
uh, money, do you?

I don't know,
what do you mean?

Well, I mean,
you don't have anything

against it, because...

Because I'm loaded with it!

But I love money, my darling!

I love it, I love to count it,

to touch it, to spend it.

-I... I adore...
-That's... That's wonderful.

That's wonderful, because...
Because I've got

$40 million,

and we're gonna spend it
together.

-See?
-Ooh...

And we're going to have the...

The biggest, splashiest
wedding you've ever seen!

And our kids are gonna
have all the money they want.

And they're gonna drive
fast cars!

And...

And we're gonna have
the biggest

and the fanciest

and the hugest villa on
this darn Riviera!

-Ohh-hoo-hoo.
-You like it, Freddie?

Oh, it's wonderful, oh!

I can't stand it.

-You like it?
-Oh, it's so beautiful!

-You mean
you bought this for us?
-Yes, of course.

-A little summer place.
-Oh-ho, it is the way

I've always
seen myself living.

A fantasy, wonderful.

My adorable girl.

I think it's disgusting.

It's a vulgar display
of wealth,

and I think it's revolting.

Well, as they say,
you can't win them all.

It was a good try,
and we lost.

Oh, no, no, no, my dear sir.

I'm too good a businessman
to fold up shop.

We've got
an investment in Gaspard,

and we're going to
make it pay off.

I've got word of a nice,
rich heiress from Brazil

who is coming to the continent
with her family next week.

Now, we're going
to move our operation

to my place in Paris.

Gaspard, you're go... Janine.

Where are you going?

I'll see you at the airport.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

Oh, Gaspard,
what are you doing here?

I am sorry to intrude,

but I came to say goodbye.

It isn't necessary, we'll
all be on the plane together.

No, I am not going to Paris
with Mr. Pimm and all of you.

What will you do?

I don't know, but I've
had enough of that,
uh, other life.

I will get a job.
An honest job.

One which will give me back
my self-respect.

May I have an address where
I could write to you, please?

Why?

Because when
my life is reconstructed,

I would like to write you
a letter.

Things I cannot say now.

It may be too late
to say it then.

In my letter,
I would have said

that I adore you with
all my heart.

With a love which would last
to the end of our days.

I would also say that
I want you for my wife.

Eh!

(CHANTING IN FRENCH)

Another two,
maybe three hours,

and we will have her finished

and put her in the water,
Johnny.

Fine, can't be
soon enough for me.

I'm heading for deep water
just as quick as

-I can get out of here.
-I'll do my best, Johnny.

Fine. Thanks, Gallou.

(GREETING IN FRENCH)

Hello, Johnny.

Whatever it is,
the answer is no.

Well, do me the courtesy
of listening, at least.

-Hmm.
-I admit I was wrong

about Millie and Gaspard.

But now she's making
a complete fool of herself!

Fine, she's over 21, she can
make her own mistakes.

Well! Let me at least

arrange a meeting between you.

Won't you do that?

Johnny, please.

All right, fine.

I'll let you arrange
a meeting.

Right here.

Latitude about
36 degrees north,

longitude four degrees east.

How's about Tuesday at 9:30?

Is that all right?

You mean you're leaving her
to that man?

That is right,
I'm leaving her.

Just as quick as this hull
hits the water.

Psst! That's it.

Well, you can get
into your precious boat

and sail halfway around
the world if you like.

But it won't ease
your conscience any!

You're running out on her,

and she's in love with you.

-Hmm.
-Well, I'll tell you

something else, Johnny.

People with
money can get hurt,

just as well as you or I.

Oh-ho, look at that!

Oh, dear Mr. Pimm.

-Congratulations.
-My dear Janine.

I wish you every happiness.

Thank you.

-Good luck, Gaspard.
-We thank you so much, sir.

GASPARD: Goodbye!

-Goodbye.
-GUMP: Goodbye.

PIMM: Goodbye.

(HORN HONKING)

There goes the best secretary
a man ever had.

Well, don't look
at it that way, Etienne.

You haven't really
lost a secretary,

you've gained a friend.

-Who's that?
-Me.

Oh! (LAUGHING)

-My dear fellow.
-Come, I'll buy you

-a nice cool
vermouth cassis...
-Good.

...and we'll chat.

(ALL SINGING IN FRENCH)

Well, I'm not gonna go through
this feeling sorry for myself,

I'm just not!

Granny, the first marriage is
always the bad one, isn't it?

Millie, if you don't
think this is right,

don't do it.

Don't waste one precious
minute of yourself

on the wrong man.

Well, it's a little late
for that, isn't it?

(SNIFFLING)

Oh, Granny,
why do I get myself

into these terrible messes?

You break my heart, dear.

I beg your pardon, Miss.
A package for you.

They say it should
be opened immediately.

Who would send a thing
like that?

Dirty.

Where did you get this?

A gentleman brought it to
the back door, Miss.

Well, where is he?

I don't know, Miss.
He just went away.

I chased your grandfather

for six blocks through
the snow and slush

of Boston to get him.

(LAUGHING)

Well, don't stand here
hugging me!

Do you want him or don't you?

(SNIFFLING)

Yes, yes.

(SIGHS)