Love Is All There Is (1996) - full transcript

ONCE UPON A TIME,

ABOUT 3 MONTHS AGO
ON A TUESDAY,

THIS THING HAPPENED

IN A PEACEFUL, TUCKED-AWAY
PART OF THE BRONX

CALLED CITY ISLAND,

A PLACE THAT'S MANY THINGS.

TO THE SAILOR, IT'S SAILING.

TO THE FISHERMAN,
IT'S FISHING.

TO THE SOUL SEARCHER,
IT'S SOUL SEARCHING.

THAT'S ME! MONA BARCAVELLA,
PSYCHIC HERBALIST.

I'M DOING MY DANCE TO CONJURE UP
A GOOD SUMMER TOURIST TRADE,



BUT BECAUSE CITY ISLAND
IS HOME TO ITALIAN AMERICANS,

TO THEM, IT'S EATING.

HERE FOOD IS KING,
AND NO PLACE WAS MORE BELOVED

THAN THE PRINCE ROSARIO
HOUSE OF CAPPAMEZZA

GOURMET CATERING
AND ORIGINAL WEDDING DESIGNS,

RULED BY SADIE
AND MIKE CAPPAMEZZA...

MORE HOT PEPPER!

WHOSE SICILIAN COOKING
WAS KNOWN FOR HOT COLORS,

SPICY SAUCES,

AND JUMBO PORTIONS.

THEN ONE DAY,
THERE OPENED ACROSS THE BAY

THE ROYAL HOUSE OF MALACICI
OF FLORENCE,

CONTINENTAL CATERERS
AND WEDDING COUTURIERS,

OWNED BY REAL BLUE BLOODS
FROM ITALY,



COUNT AND CONTESSA MALACICI,

AND THEY BROUGHT
CITY ISLANDERS THEIR
NORTHERN ITALIAN CUISINE.

DAINTY, LOW-FAT PORTIONS,

PASTEL COLORS,

SUBTLE FLAVORS.

AH, QUESTO
PERFETTO!

IT WAS INEVITABLE

BETWEEN THE 2 FAMILIES
THERE WOULD BE BAD BLOOD.

SHAKESPEARE ONCE SAID,
"HEY! WHAT'S IN A NAME?"

BUT HE WAS WRONG

BECAUSE CAPPAMEZZA
MEANS "HALF A HEAD"

AND MALACICI MEANS
"BAD BEANS."

THE STORY BEGINS
FOURTH OF JULY

WHEN OUR LOCAL CHURCH

WAS ABOUT TO PUT ON

ITS ANNUAL
AMATEUR BENEFIT...

WHAT IF
HER EYES WERE THERE,

THEY IN HER HEAD?

THE BRIGHTNESS OF HER CHEEK
WOULD SHAME THOSE STARS.

O, THAT I WERE
A GLOVE UPON THAT HAND,

THAT I MIGHT TOUCH
THAT CHEEK.

WHICH BRINGS US TO OUR HEROINE,

MY BEST CUSTOMER,
SADIE CAPPAMEZZA...

AH, ME.

YOU GIVE ME SO MUCH
MORE THAN ISABEL FASULI.

I MEAN, SHE WEIGHS
50 POUNDS MORE THAN ME.

HOW CAN I BELIEVE
THAT'S JULIET?

WELL, YOU GOT TO MAKE BELIEVE
YOU LOVE HER, TOO.

AND THE JOY OF HER LIFE,
ROSARIO CAPPAMEZZA,

THE PRINCE OF THE PRINCE ROSARIO
HOUSE OF CAPPAMEZZA

GOURMET CATERING
AND ORIGINAL WEDDING DESIGNS.

RUDY, GIVE ME A BREAK!

I'M GIVING YOU
2/3 OFF, SADIE.

YEAH? WELL, IT'S
STILL NOT ENOUGH.

OH, GIVE IT
TO HER FOR COST.

MARY, THE FOOD
IS FOR THE CHURCH BENEFIT.

I WANT A BETTER PRICE
THAN COST.

BETTER THAN COST?
WE SHOULD TAKE A LOSS?

COME ON, RUDY.

WHEN YOU GIVE TO GOD,

YOU GET A HUGE
TAX DEDUCTION.

ALL RIGHT, HALF COST.

NOW YOU'RE ONLY
HALFWAY TO HEAVEN.

GO TO HELL.

ALL RIGHT,
YOU GET IT FOR NOTHING.

HERE'S $10
FOR THE CHURCH.

GOOD MORNING,
DR. RONDINO.

GOOD MORNING,
MRS. RONDINO.

GOOD MORNING.

I BREAK
BOTH ARMS.

MY SON, THE DOTTORE,
HE FIX THEM.

I NEVER SAW ANYONE
SO ACCIDENTAL-PRONE

LIKE MRS. RONDINO.

HER SON IS
THE MOST ELIGIBLE DOCTOR

IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD,

BUT HER BROKEN BONES
KEEPS HIM HOME.

EVEN MOTHER TERESA WOULD
CALL A MOTHER LIKE THAT

A BOSSY SCUCCAMEND.

YOU KNOW, MRS. RONDINO
IS NOT AS DUMB AS SHE LOOKS.

MARRIED SONS, THEY TURN
ON THEIR MOTHERS NOW BECAUSE

DAUGHTER-IN-LAWS, NOTHING
IS SACRED TO THEM ANYMORE.

JOHNNY,
MY SON JOHNNY,

HE MARRIED
THIS MAMAREL LOUISE.

SWEET GIRL.

SWEET? I SAID
TO HER ONE DAY,

"WOULD YOU MIND CARRYING
MY GROCERIES, PLEASE?"

YOU KNOW WHAT
SHE SAID TO ME?

"CARRY YOUR OWN
FRIGGIN' BAGS, BITCH."

OH, MY GOD.

AH, AND I LOOK OVER
AT MY SON JOHNNY,

AND HE'S LOOKING
AT HER LIKE THIS.

MY ROSARIO, HE WOULD NEVER
EVER TREAT ME LIKE THAT

WHEN HE'S OLD ENOUGH
TO GET MARRIED.

SO YOU TAKING ANYBODY

TO THE CHARITY BALL

AFTER THE SHOW?

I'M HELPING POP
WITH THE PASTA.

HOW ABOUT I CALL
ANGELA MERCANDANTE FOR YOU?

MA, DON'T START
WITH ME.

WHAT ABOUT I MENTION YOU
TO CATHY AUGUSTINO'S MOTHER,

AND SHE COULD--

WATCH OUT!
MA!

IDIOT! YOU CUT ME OFF!

WE'RE GOING TO PUT YOU
OUT OF BUSINESS,

YOU SICILIAN SWAMP
GUINEA!

HEY, I GOT
THE RIGHT OF WAY!

AND YOU'RE GOING TO
PUT YOUR SISTER'S ASS

OUT OF BUSINESS,
YOU FLORENTINE MOUNTAIN WOP!

ROSARIO!

I'M SORRY I CURSED, MA,

BUT IF THESE MALACICIS
THINK THEY'RE SO GOOD,

HOW COME THEY DIDN'T
STAY IN ITALY?

ROSARIO, FORGET ABOUT
THE MALACICIS.

YOU JUST THINK ABOUT
PLAYING ROMEO TONIGHT,

THAT YOU'RE GOING TO BE
EVEN BETTER THIS YEAR

THAN YOU WAS LAST YEAR
AS PINOCCHIO.

HMM?

MONA!

HI!

THIS MALACICI CRISIS
IS MAKING ME CRAZY.

WE'RE IN DEBT UP TO HERE
FROM EXPANDING,

AND WE MAY LOSE
THE FREDERICOS,

THE BIGGEST WEDDING
OF THE SEASON,

TO THESE INTRUDERS!

I BROUGHT
SFOGLIATELLE.

OOH! MY FAVORITE!

I DON'T KNOW
IF MY BUSINESS CAN HANDLE

THIS KIND OF COMPETITION,
YOU KNOW?

MM-HMM.

I HAVEN'T LOST ONE POUND
ON MY NEW DIET.

UH-HUH.

AND MY HUSBAND,

HE HASN'T MADE LOVE
TO ME IN WEEKS.

UH-HUH.

WELL, WHAT AM I
GOING TO DO, MONA?

IS THERE
ANOTHER WOMAN?

BLESSED ROSCOE SAYS...

HE SEES YOUR BUSINESS
PROSPERING.

THE BLESSED ROSCOE
SAYS...

KEEP LOOKING
AT THE SUNNY SIDE.

OH, GOOD. GOOD.

WHO'S
THE BLESSED ROSCOE?

MY NEW GUIDE.

WHAT HAPPENED
TO THE ANGEL VITO?

HIS WORK WAS DONE
ON CITY ISLAND.

HE MOVED ON TO ANOTHER PSYCHIC
NAMED SHIRLEY BALLUCAS

IN BAYONNE, NEW JERSEY.

BUT THE BLESSED ROSCOE
IS A POWERFUL PRESENCE!

IN THE 17th CENTURY,

WHEN HIS EYES WERE GOUGED
AND HIS FINGERS CHOPPED OFF

AND HE WAS BURNT
AT THE STAKE,

HE SMILED AND SAID,
"DON'T FEEL GUILTY."

THAT'S WHY HE'S KNOWN
AS THE MERRY MARTYR.

YOU TELL HIM I'M REALLY
PLEASED TO MEET HIM.

THE BLESSED ROSCOE
KNOWS YOUSE ARE.

HERE.

WEAR THIS ROSE OIL WHEN
YOU'RE MEETING CUSTOMERS.

THE MONEY WILL COME
FLOATING IN.

ABOUT YOUR DIET,

MAYBE YOU'RE HAVING TROUBLE
BECAUSE YOU'RE AFRAID,

LIKE I AM, THAT EVERY MAN
WANTS ME SEXUALLY.

ABOUT YOUR HUSBAND...

YEAH?

THE BLESSED ROSCOE SAYS

THERE'S NO OTHER WOMAN
IN HIS LIFE.

AND WHO'S FIDELLA?

OH, THAT'S OUR CAT.

HE PLAYS WITH HER
A LOT.

OH, THAT WILL
TAPER OFF.

HERE.

BURN THESE
IN YOUR BEDROOM,

AND HE'LL WANT
LUST FROM YOU.

THE BLESSED ROSCOE SAYS
IT WILL BE HEARTFELT BUT QUICK.

LOOK, IT'S A START.

ABOUT ROSARIO...

MMM...

I'M SMELLING
A LITTLE PROBLEM...

BUT A DEEP ONE.

OH, NO.

YES. I'M SMELLING HIM
FALLING IN LOVE WITH A GIRL

HE'S SAYING POETRY TO.
UH-HUH. THAT'S HER.

HE'S PLAYING ROMEO
TONIGHT,

BUT IT COULDN'T
BE WITH THIS JULIET.

HERE. SMELL
FOR YOURSELF.

I'M SMELLING HIM
LOVING SO PASSIONATELY,

NOTHING STANDS
IN HIS WAY.

THIS GIRL PLAYING
JULIET--ISABEL FASULI--

SHE'S...
SHE'S A SCUCCAMEND!

AND WE'RE CATERING
HER WEDDING.

SHE'S MARRYING
VINNY BALDILAMENTE.

BLESSED ROSCOE?

BLESSED ROSCOE AGREES.

I--I NEVER THOUGHT
I'D LOSE HIM THIS SOON.

OH, BOY.

OH, BOY.

THE MEATS DON'T GO
IN THE SAUCE YET!

THAT'S STUPID!

ANY DUMMY WILL TELL YOU
THEY'RE READY FOR THE SAUCE!

I CATCH YOU MESSING
WITH MY SAUCE AGAIN

BEHIND MY BACK,

I'M GOING TO KICK YOU
OUT OF THE KITCHEN!

YOU'RE GOING TO
KICK YOUR SAUCE

OUT OF THE KITCHEN!

HEY! WHAT'S
GOING ON HERE?

LOOK AT MY MEAT.

IS IT READY FOR
THE SAUCE YET?

NO. YOU GOT TO GET OUT
MORE FAT.

YOU'RE CRAZY!
AS CRAZY AS HIM.

MA, PUT YOUR TOOTH
BACK IN.

I CAN'T REMEMBER
WHERE I PUT IT.

AND DON'T CALL US
CRAZY NO MORE.

I ALWAYS CALL YOU CRAZY.
IT NEVER BOTHERED YOU BEFORE.

IT ALWAYS BOTHERED ME.

IT BOTHERS YOU, TOO?

OF COURSE!

WELL, YOU SHOULD HAVE
TOLD ME SOONER.

I'M TOO OLD
TO CHANGE NOW.

MIKEY...

I GOT TO TALK TO YOU
IN PRIVATE.

CAN WE GO UP
TO THE HOUSE?

SURE.

ROCCO, STAY
WITH THE SAUCE.

SHE TRIES
ANYTHING FUNNY,

YOU THROW YOURSELF
IN FRONT OF THE POT.

MIKE, WILL YOU PROMISE ME THAT
IF I TELL YOU THIS PROBLEM,

YOU AIN'T GONNA
MAKE FUN OF ME?

I PROMISE.

YOU KNOW
THAT I'M PSYCHIC.

YEAH?

AND SO IS
MY FRIEND MONA.

MONA THE NUT?

MONA IS NOT A NUT.

SHE'S A CLAIRVOYANT
FOR A LIVING,

AND THE BLESSED ROSCOE
TOLD MONA...

THAT ROSARIO IS
GOING TO FALL IN LOVE

AND GIVE UP EVERYTHING
FOR HIS JULIET.

EVERY WEEK, MONA'S
GOT A DIFFERENT

SAINT OR ANGEL THAT
NOBODY EVER HEARD OF

WHO SPEAKS
ONLY TO HER.

HOW CAN YOU BELIEVE
THIS STUFF?

BECAUSE MONA HELPS ME FIND
THE INVISIBLE FORCES HERE.

IT HELPS ME DISCOVER WHAT
I'M DOING HERE ON EARTH.

I DISCUSSED IT IN MY PRAYERS
WITH THE HOLY MOTHER,

AND SHE SAID
IT WAS OK WITH HER.

YOU WANT ME TO ASK HER
AGAIN?

I'M GOING TO
ASK HER AGAIN.

DEAR HOLY MOTHER--
NO, NO, NO.

LOOK, DON'T BOTHER
THE HOLY MOTHER

WITH SOMETHING
LIKE THIS.

LOOK, UH...
I'M A LITTLE TIRED.

I WANT TO TAKE A NAP.

YOU WANT TO TAKE
A NAP WITH ME?

NAP?

YEAH.

YEAH.

OK. I'LL BE
RIGHT BACK.

I GOT FIDELLA
IN THE MIDDLE

SO YOU CAN
HOLD HER, TOO.

AS IS A WINGED
MESSENGER OF HEAVEN

INTO THE WHITE-UPTURNED
WANDERING EYES,

THE LAZY-PACING CLOUDS
AND SAILS

UPON THE BOSOM
OF THE AIR...

OF MORTALS THAT FALL BACK
TO GAZE ON HIM

WHEN HE BESTRIDES
THE LAZY, PUFFING CLOUDS.

O ROMEO!

ROMEO!

WHEREFORTH
ART THOU ROMEO?

DENY THY FATHER!

AND REFUSE
THY NA-A-A...

OHH! OH!

I HOPE I DIDN'T DO THAT
WITH MY NEGATIVE THOUGHTS.

ARE YOU ALL RIGHT,
ISABEL?

I CAN'T MOVE MY LEG!

ROSARIO, GO GET
DR. RONDINO.

TELL HIM
TO COME RIGHT OVER.

HOW DID THIS HAPPEN,
MISS DeLUCA?

I SEEN THE WHOLE EPISODE,
MONSIGNOR.

SHE OVERACTED WITH THE FOOT

AND TUMBLED DOWN
LIKE A WOUNDED RHINO.

FORSOOTH.

DON'T CALL ME
NO RHINO, ZITS BREATH.

HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO
GET MARRIED TOMORROW?

I HATE
THIS STUPID PLAY!

I TOLD YOU THE BALCONY
WAS MADE OF PLYWOOD.

WHY DID YOU
STAMP YOUR FOOT?

I SHOULD HAVE
HARNESSED HER

TO THE WALL,
DR. RONDINO.

OH, NO, NO. IT WOULDN'T
HAVE HELPED, MISS DeLUCA.

IT'S NOT BROKEN.

NO. YOU JUST STAY OFF IT
FOR 24 HOURS,

AND YOU'LL BE MARCHING
DOWN THE AISLE.

ALL RIGHT, BOYS,
HELP HER OUT TO MY CAR.

WE'VE GOT TO GET YOU HOME
AND GET THAT LEG ICED.

WHAT A BUFFALO!

SHUT UP,
YOU SHITHEAD!

24 HOURS!

I GUESS WE'LL HAVE TO

HAVE THE UNDERSTUDY
PLAY JULIET.

UNDERSTUDY?

OH, NICCO--WHERE IS
NICCOLINA SOUSTO?

NICCOLINA,
WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

I DON'T KNOW
THE WHOLE PART.

I'LL WHISPER THE WORDS
TO YOU OFF THE STAGE.

PLEASE, FATHER,
DON'T MAKE ME DO THIS.

NICCOLINA,

YOU ONLY HAVE TO
DO YOUR BEST.

AAH!

OK, NICCOLINA,

WE'LL TRY TO FIND
SOMEBODY ELSE

TO PLAY THE PART.

I KNOW THE PART, MISS DeLUCA.
I ALWAYS WANTED TO PLAY IT.

NO, NO, NO, FRANCIS!

YOU'RE TOO GOOD
AS THE NURSE,

AND IT WOULD BE TOO HARD
TO REPLACE YOU.

ISN'T THAT RIGHT,
MONSIGNOR?

WHAT ELSE
CAN WE DO, SADIE?

WE'RE SOLD OUT.

WE'LL HAVE TO
GIVE REFUNDS.

WHY DON'T WE CALL
ALL THE DRAMATIC SCHOOLS,

AND WE'LL FIND
SOME REALLY NICE GIRL

WHO CAN READ THE PART
FROM THE SCRIPT?

THIS IS A VERY GOOD
IDEA, SADIE.

BUT LET'S MAKE SURE THAT
ALL THE GIRLS SEND OVER

THEIR MOST RECENT
PHOTOGRAPHS

WITH THEIR HOBBIES,
THEIR FUTURE AMBITIONS,

AND THEIR RELIGIOUS
ATTITUDES.

WHY DO I
HAVE TO BE HERE?

THIS MAY BE THE GIRL

WE HAVE TO SPEND
THE REST OF OUR LIVES WITH.

YOU CAN STOP
CALLING.

THIS COUPLE
JUST CAME IN

AND MADE A DONATION,

AND THEN
THEY TOLD ME

THEIR DAUGHTER
PLAYED THAT PART.

SHE'LL PLAY JULIET
TO YOUR SON'S ROMEO.

YOU LOOK FAMILIAR.

IS POSSIBLE.

MR. AND
MRS. CAPPAMEZZA,

MEET COUNT AND
CONTESSA MALACICI.

PLEASURE.

CIAO.

CIAO.

MONSIGNORE.

MONSIGNORE.

LOOK, SADIE, IT'S...
IT'S JUST FOR ONE NIGHT,

SO LET'S NOT MAKE
A BIG THING OUT OF IT, OK?

OK, SADIE? SADIE?

FEEL BETTER?

A LITTLE.

THERE MUST BE A WAY

I CAN TURN AROUND WHAT MONA
SAID IS GOING TO HAPPEN.

LOOK...

YOU THINK I WANT ROSARIO
TO EJACULATE HIMSELF

OUT OF THIS FAMILY
PREMATURELY?

BUT, SADIE, DID ANYTHING

MONA EVER TELL YOU
WOULD HAPPEN HAPPEN?

PRACTICALLY EVERYTHING.

HOW COME SHE
TOLD YOU THAT WE'RE

GOING TO BE RICH,
AND WE'RE IN DEBT...

THAT YOUR MOTHER WAS
GOING TO MOVE OUT,

AND SHE JUST ASKED US
FOR A NEW MATTRESS...

THAT YOUR FRIEND SALLY
WAS GOING TO HAVE

THE BEST YEAR
OF HER LIFE,

AND SHE DIED?
HOW COME?

OH, YE OF LITTLE FAITH.

ONCE WE RAISE ENOUGH MONEY
TO FRANCHISE OUR SAUCES

AND OUR WEDDING CREATIONS,
WE ARE GOING TO BE RICH.

AND MY MOTHER
STILL MAY MOVE OUT,

AND SHE'LL TAKE HER
NEW MATTRESS WITH HER.

MY GIRLFRIEND SALLY,
SHE COULD BE HAVING

HER BEST YEAR EVER
RIGHT NOW IN HEAVEN.

MA! POP! I JUST HEARD
ABOUT THE MALACICI GIRL.

POP, COULD YOU IMAGINE THEM
ASKING ME TO PLAY ROMEO

OPPOSITE THE DAUGHTER
OF THAT FLORENTINE?

EVERY BONE IN MY BODY
TELLS ME I SHOULD QUIT RIGHT NOW

AND FORGET ABOUT IT.

OH, HONEY, IF YOU
FEEL LIKE THAT--

BUT THE SHOW
MUST GO ON.

MISS DeLUCA
WANTS ME TO GO

INTRODUCE MYSELF
BEFORE REHEARSAL.

I'M GOING TO GO
WITH YOU!

WHAT FOR?

IT WILL GIVE ME

A CHANCE TO SEE
THEIR OPERATION.

BUT I GOT TO GO HOME FIRST
AND CHANGE INTO SOMETHING

A LITTLE MORE APROPOS.

MMM! MOZZARELLA.

DELIZIOSO.

GOD ALMIGHTY!
GET A LOAD OF THIS PLACE!

I MEAN, THESE PEOPLE
WOULDN'T KNOW A HOT SAUSAGE

IF THEY FELL OVER ONE.

MAKES ME SICK
TO GO IN THERE.

MAYBE--OW!

ARE YOU
ALL RIGHT, MA?

OH, DO I HAVE
A BUMP?

HERE. LET ME SEE.

NAH.
IT'S ALL RIGHT, MA.

HA! THIS ROMEO
IS A MAMA'S BOY.

WHAT MASCULINE BOY
KISSES A MOTHER

ON THE EYE
AFTER 3 YEARS OLD?

HI. I'M
ROSARIO CAPPAMEZZA.

SI.

THIS IS MY--

YES. WE HAVE MET
AT THE CHURCH.

UH...UM,
I THOUGHT I WOULD

CHAPERONE THE CHILDREN
TO REHEARSAL

BECAUSE I WANTED TO
BE SOCIALLY AU COURANT,

AND, UH, BECAUSE
I'M THE MOTHER.

UH, AHEM.

PLEASE COME IN.

Oh...beautiful.

UH, GINA JUST RETURNED
FROM HER BOARDING SCHOOL,

AND SHE'S TAKING
HER BEAUTY BATH.

PLEASE TO SIT DOWN, EH?

AHEM.

UH, MAY WE OFFER YOU
SOME REFRESHMENT?

WE HAVE PROFITEROLE,
TIRAMISU,

BANANA TORTE,
8 KINDS OF GELATI,

AND 6 KINDS
OF SORBETTO.

ALL FRESH...

HOMEMADE, HOME-GROWN,
AND HAND-DECORATED.

NO, THANK YOU.

WE MAKE ALL
THE SAME DESSERTS,

PLUS ZUPPA INGLESE,

ZABAIONE,
COPPA DI MARRONE.

DON'T TELL ME YOU MAKE
YOUR OWN CHOCOLATE.

MILK, BITTERSWEET,
NOUGAT,

AND WHITE WITH NUTS.

FROM A RECIPE
THAT IS 400 YEARS OLD?

FROM A RECIPE THAT
FRANK SINATRA HIMSELF

SAID WAS THE BEST
HE EVER TASTED

ON CITY ISLAND.

THE PRESIDENT OF ITALY

ONCE ATE 2 PORTIONS
OF OUR RISOTTO CON FUNGHI.

DURING THE POPE'S
VISIT IN 1982,

THE HOLY FATHER
HAD 3 PORTIONS

OF OUR CLAMS
POSILLIPO, TO GO.

IN 4 CENTURIES
OF OPERATION,

OUR RESTAURANT
IN FIRENZE WAS VISITED

BY 2 NUNS WHO LATER
WERE CANONIZED--

SANTA TERESA DeMONTANIA

AND SANTA
RUDOLPHA LEGATTI,

FOR WHOM OUR BRONZINO

IN BRODETTO DI RUDOLPHA
WAS NAMED. EH.

OUR DISHWASHER
SPEAKS CHINESE.

OH.

OH.

AH, CARINA.

THIS IS
OUR DAUGHTER REGINA.

UH, HI.

AHEM. UH, THIS--

THIS IS MY MOTHER
SADIE CAPPAMEZZA,

AND I'M R-R-R...

OH, ROSARIO
CAPPAMEZZA.

HOW DO YOU DO?

GINA HAS CONSENTED

TO PLAY THE PART
OF JULIET,

EVEN THOUGH SHE
MUST LEAVE TOMORROW.

OH, WHERE
ARE YOU GOING?

PARIS.

FOR THE SUMMER,

TO STUDY WITH
THE BALLET RUSSE.

PARIS, FRANCE?

OH, THERE'S SO MUCH
MORE TO DO THERE

THAN THERE IS HERE.

YOU CAN CLIMB
THE EIFFEL TOWER,

AND YOU CAN GO
TO THE CANCAN.

WELL, UH, WE SHOULD GO.
WE'RE GOING TO BE LATE.

IT WAS NICE
MEETING YOUSE.

STUPIDO!

I'M SORRY.
I'M SORRY.

DON'T YOU
YELL AT MY SON!

HE--HE BUMPS HIMSELF A LOT
WHEN HE'S HAPPY,

AND HE'S VERY HAPPY
THAT HE HAS A...

A THIN JULIET.

YOU HAVE A VERY NICE
BATHROOM.

SO, UH, CAN I DROP YOU
ANYWHERE, MA?

DROP ME?

WELL, YEAH.

WHEN MISS DeLUCA FIRST
WORKS WITH AN ACTOR,

SHE DOESN'T LIKE TO HAVE
ANY EYEWITNESSES--

I MEAN, UH,
AMATEUR NONACTORS.

SO, MA, CAN I
DROP YOU OR WHAT?

NO, NO, NO. IT'S
NOT FAR. I'LL WALK.

OK.

YOU DRESS FUNNY.

I LIKE IT.

AAH!

OH, I'M SMELLING HER.

I'M SMELLING HER.

IS THIS NEW JULIET

THE ONE THAT MY ROSARIO

IS GOING TO GIVE UP
HIS LIFE FOR?

BIG BOSOM...

STRONG THIGHS...

SMALL CULO?

YEAH.

THAT'S HER.

THE BLESSED ROSCOE
CORROBORATES.

WELL, AT LEAST
SHE'S LEAVING TOMORROW.

SO...MAYBE NO DAMAGE
CAN BE DONE

BETWEEN NOW AND THEN.
AM I RIGHT?

WHAT DOES
THE BLESSED ROSCOE SAY

I SHOULD DO?

NOTHING.

LOVE...

IS ALL THERE IS.

LOVE IS ALL
THERE IS?

HOW DID
THE CANDLES WORK?

MY HUSBAND TOLD ME TO
HOLD THE CAT, TOO.

OH! I MADE A MISTAKE.

THOSE CANDLES ARE FOR YOUNG
HONEYMOONERS IN TROUBLE.

YOU NEED SOMETHING FOR OLDER
EROTICISM THAT'S CAPSIZING.

HERE.

WHEN THESE BURN DOWN
TO THE GENITAL AREA,

HE'LL BE SURE TO GRAB YOU,
NOT THE CAT.

OH, THANKS.

OK. THAT'S, UM...
$9 FOR THE CANDLES,

$30 FOR THE READING--

LOOK, ABOUT ROSARIO,

I--I JUST CAN'T
DO NOTHING?

HE'S TOO YOUNG
TO RUIN HIS LIFE.

HOLD THE PHONE.

TAKE THESE 2 BIRDS.

THE ONE WITH THE YELLOW
RING IS THE MALE.

HE REPRESENTS YOUR SON.

KEEP SPRINKLING
OREGANO ON HIS TAIL--

THE DESIRE FOR
HIGHER EDUCATION.

THE OTHER ONE
IS THE FEMALE.

SQUINT YOUR EYES.

YOU SEE HER AURA?

RIGHT NOW IT'S WHITE

BECAUSE THE BLESSED
ROSCOE IS PRESENT.

THIS IS
AN AURA DUSTER.

KEEP DUSTING HER AURA

TO KEEP HER LOVE
FOR ROSARIO PURE.

DON'T LET IT
TURN ORANGE,

OR YOU'RE IN THE DANGER,
LOWER-CROTCH AREA.

AND HERE.
KEEP RECITING THIS CHANT

TO THE 2 BIRDS.

"HE IS LOVE DEEP.

"HE IS SACRIFICE ALL.

"HE IS
EDUCATION'S FIRST.

HE IS IN IT
FOR THE LONG HAUL."

OK.

THAT'S, UM, $3.00
FOR THE OREGANO,

$24.50 FOR
THE AURA DUSTER,

$42.50
FOR THE BIRDS,

A BUCK AND A HALF
FOR THE CHANT.

HE IS LOVE DEEP.

HE IS SACRIFICE ALL.

BUT HIS EDUCATION'S FIRST.

ALL RIGHT, AS SOON AS
SHE'S IN THE COSTUME,

WE'RE GOING TO START
THE REHEARSAL.

YES, MISS DeLUCA.
WE KNOW.

I HEAR...

THAT THE NEW
JULIET'S DRESS

HAD TO BE OPENED UP
THIS MUCH ON TOP.

THAT'S HOW BIG
HER TITTIES ARE.

I WISH I HAD
THAT PROBLEM.

EVERY NIGHT,

I PRAY THAT MINE
WILL GROW BIGGER.

MY MOTHER SAYS IT AIN'T
THE SIZE THAT COUNTS.

IT'S THE QUALITY.

THAT'S BECAUSE YOUR MOTHER
GOT SMALL TITTIES.

I HOPE SHE'S BUILT
BETTER THAN ISABEL.

I MEAN, WITH HER BELLY,

THE AUDIENCE WOULDN'T
EVEN HAVE SEEN ME.

YEAH, WELL, I HEAR
SHE'S FROM ITALY,

SO SHE DON'T
TALK ENGLISH

TOO GOOD LIKE US.

WHERE DO YOU THINK
ROMEO AND JULIET LIVED?

IN ENGLAND.

AIN'T THAT WHERE
SHAKESPEARE LIVES?

SHAKESPEARE'S DEAD,
YOU DOPE.

HOW DO I KNOW?
I DON'T WATCH PMS.

I GOT HAM
AND PROVOLONE.

I GOT ANCHOVIES.

I GOT EGGS.

HEY, RONNY,
YOUR PIZZA'S HERE!

HEY!
WHERE'S THE PEPPERONI?

MARRONE!

SNACK TIME IS OVER!

ALL RIGHT, COME ON.
LET'S GET TO WORK.

ALL RIGHT.

GINA, YOU HAVE
JUST MET ROSARIO,

SO I WANT TO ASSURE YOU

THAT THE KISSES WILL BE
DONE DISCREETLY, HUH?

ALL RIGHT.
WITH YOUR BODIES APART,

YOU'RE GOING TO JUST LET
YOUR LIPS JUST BRUSH LIGHTLY,

LIGHTLY, LIKE A BUTTERFLY'S
WINGS ON A ROSE PETAL,

'CAUSE YOU GOT
TO LEAVE THE PASSION

TO THE AUDIENCE'S
IMAGINATION.

ALL RIGHT?
GO AHEAD.

WAIT! KEEP THIS MUCH SPACE
BETWEEN YOUR TORSOS.

NOW. OK, LET YOUR LIPS
JUST TOUCH

FOR ONE BRIEF INSTANT.

PERFECT!

OK, EVERYBODY, COME ON!

PLACES FOR THE TOP
OF THE SHOW!

MY GRANDDAUGHTER RITA'S
PLAYING THE PART OF TYBAULT.

MIKEY, IF YOU COULD
HAVE SEEN THE WAY HE DROOLED

WHEN HE LOOKED AT HER.

BOYS HIS AGE ARE
SUPPOSED TO DROOL.

BUT, MIKE, MONA SAYS

HE'S GOING TO GIVE UP
EVERYTHING--

SHE REALLY
SEES YOU COMING.

NOW WE GOT
2 FRIGGIN' BIRDS

WHO CAN'T STOP
CRAPPING

STINKING UP
OUR HOUSE.

WHAT ARE YOU TWO
TALKING ABOUT?

NOTHING.

I SAW YOUR
LIPS MOVING.

DON'T TELL
ME NOTHING.

WHERE'S YOUR TOOTH?

OH! I FORGOT.

THERE THEY ARE.

LOOK AT THEM

WITH THEIR FLORENTINE NOSES
IN THE AIR.

IT LOOKS LIKE THEY'RE
SMELLING SOMETHING.

THEY'RE LOOKING
THIS WAY.

I AM SURE THAT
REGINA HAVING TO ACT

WITH THE SON
OF THESE SICILIANS

MAKE HER AS SICK
AS I AM.

WE HAVE NO CHOICE

BECAUSE WE HAVE TO WIN OVER
THEIR LOW-CLASS CLIENTELE.

GOOD MORROW.

IS THE DAY
SO YOUNG?

BUT NEW
STRUCK 9:00.

AY ME,
SAD HOURS LONG.

WAS THAT MY FATHER

THAT WENT HENCE
SO FAST?

IT WAS.

HE IS
SO HANDSOME...

JUST LIKE ERROL FLYNN
IN THE OLD MOVIES.

YEAH. HE FENCES GOOD.
YOU'D NEVER KNOW HE WAS CLUMSY.

OH, SHIT!

'TIS NOT TO ME
SHE SPEAKS.

WHY DO THEY
MAKE HIM WEAR

THE BLUE PANTYHOSE?

IT MAKES HIS DINGLE
LOOK TOO BIG.

SHH, MA.

GOD FORBID!
WHERE IS THIS GIRL?

JULIET!

JULIET!

HOW NOW, WHO CALLS?

YOUR MOTHER.

MADAM, I AM HERE.

WHAT IS YOUR WILL?

HOW ELOQUENT SHE IS.

YES, BUT IS A MISMATCH

BECAUSE SHE MAKE
THE SICILIAN MAMA'S BOY

LOOK LIKE A BUFFOON
FROM THE CIRCUS.

HA HA HA!

OOH.

OHH...

SAINTS DO NOT MOVE,

THOUGH GRANT
FOR MY PRAYERS' SAKE.

THEN MOVE NOT,

WHILE MY PRAYER'S
EFFECT I TAKE.

OH, BOY.

THY DRUGS ARE QUICK.

THUS WITH A KISS
I DIE.

MMM...

MMM...

OHH...

THEY'RE DOING IT
FOR REAL.

YES!

MISS DELUCA, WHISPERING:
Rosario!

Rosario!

No more.

Stop!

WOMAN, WHISPERING: MY GOD.
I NEVER SAW THIS BEFORE.

MMM...

HOW DARE HE DO THAT
TO MY LITTLE GIRL!

HE PRETEND
TO BE MAMA'S BOY.

OLDEST SICILIAN TRICK

IN THE BACK
OF THE BOOK.

WHY SHE DON'T STOP HIM?
TELL ME--WHY?

BECAUSE SHE HAS TO ACT
AS IF SHE'S DEAD,

AND HE'S TAKEN ADVANTAGE.

MONA KNEW.

THE BLESSED ROSCOE KNEW.

THAT'S WHAT
MASCULINE ACTING IS.

YOU KISS THE GIRL
LIKE YOU GO FOR HER.

HER AURA
IS CHANGING.

WHAT?

NOTHING.

Rosario!

SHE IS KISSING HIM
WITH HER MOUTH OPEN.

OHH...

Stop!

I DON'T CARE IF
I LOSE THE BUSINESS.

I DON'T RAISE MY
DAUGHTER FOR THIS.

I AM GOING TO
PULL THE CURTAIN.

LET ME GO!
YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND.

GET OUT
OF THE WAY!

...VIOLATE MY DAUGHTER.
LET ME OUT OF HERE!

MMM...

PIERO, COME BACK!
THEY'VE STOPPED KISSING!

COME BACK.

COME ON.

PLEASE, LET ME GO.

YOU GOT
SOME NERVE, FATSO.

I...DIE.

OH, I HATE
THOSE PANTYHOSE.

HIS DINGLE LOOKS
EVEN BIGGER NOW.

OH!

DEAR GOD!

IS HE STIFF?

I THINK HE'S
STIFF FROM HER.

THAT'S JUST
A TOWEL IN THERE

SO THEY DON'T HURT IT
WHEN THEY DUEL.

OH,
IT'S A TOWEL.

I'M SO RELIEVED.

LET ME SEE!

GET OUT
OF MY WAY!

STOP PUSHING!

STOP LOOKING.

UGH...

SICILIAN
SON OF A BITCH!

THIS IS
SO EMBARRASSING.

IT'S GROWING.

I WILL KISS THY LIPS.

HAPLY SOME POISON
YET DOTH HANG ON THEM

TO MAKE ME DIE
WITH A RESTORATIVE.

MY POOR BABY HAS TO KISS
THE SICILIAN ANIMAL NOW!

I HOPE SHE BITE OFF
HIS LIPS AND SPIT THEM

RIGHT INTO HIS FACE!

OH, MY GOD.

THIS MUST BE
METHOD ACTING.

GINA...

A BUTTERFLY'S
WINGS.

A BUTTERFLY'S
WINGS.

HER AURA,
IT'S TURNING ORANGE.

GO FOR IT, GINA!

HE IS LOVE DEEP.

HE IS SACRIFICE ALL.

IF SHE WERE MY DAUGHTER,
I'D BREAK HER HEAD.

THEY MUST HAVE
USED 2 TOWELS.

AH! AH!

HERE HE GOES AGAIN!

SIT DOWN, FATSO!

YOU WANT A RAP
IN THE MOUTH?

YEAH? STEP IN THE TOILET!

YOU BE QUIET, YOU!

PIERO, COME BACK!

THE KISS IS FINISHED.

YOU'RE GOING TO RUIN
HER DEATH SCENE.

O HAPPY DAGGER,

THIS IS MY SHEATH.

THERE REST...

OH!

AND LET ME DIE!

AHH...

MOVE!
YOU HAVE TO MOVE.

THAT'S SO RUDE!

THE SCENE IS OVER.

I WANT TO GO AS SOON
AS THE CURTAIN COMES DOWN.

GET OUT OF MY WAY!

BANANA.
A REAL BANANA.

I WILL
CHALLENGE YOU TO A DUEL!

MIKEY, LET'S GET HIM
TO THE BANQUET HALL

THE MINUTE
THIS SHOW IS OVER.

RIGHT.

MA, WAIT IN THE CAR.

WE WANT TO EXTRICATE HIM
UNBEKNOWNST.

I KNEW IT.

HE WAS STIFF
FROM HER!

SHH!
SHH!

COME ON.

SOME SHALL
BE PARDONED.

OTHERS SHALL
BE PUNISHED.

FOR NEVER WAS A STORY
OF MORE WOE...

THAN THIS
OF JULIET AND HER ROMEO.

BRAVO! BRAVO!

COME ON, ROSARIO.
YOU GOT TO COME WITH US.

GET OUT OF HERE!

JESUS, MA!

SADIE, SADIE!

MA, MA,
GET OFF THE STAGE!

I WAS SO DISGUSTED
OVER HOW YOU KISSED THAT BOY.

IT WAS PORNOGRAFIA!

ALL RIGHT.

TONIGHT WE GO HOME,
SLEEP THE NIGHT GOOD.

TOMORROW YOU ARE
IN PARIS,

WE FORGET
ABOUT EVERYTHING.

OH, NO. NO, PAPA.
THE BANQUET, EH?

THE WHOLE CAST
IS GOING!

OH, NO! I WILL NOT SET FOOT

IN THAT CAPPAMEZZA
CATERING HALL FOR ONE MOMENT!

AND NEITHER SHOULD YOU!

AND THAT IS FINAL!

MAGNIFICENT
PERFORMANCE, GINA.

SEE YOU AT THE BANQUET?

NO, MONSIGNORE,

SHE CANNOT COME
BECAUSE TOMORROW

SHE HAVE TO GET UP
EARLY, GO TO AIRPORT.

OH, I UNDERSTAND,

BUT I WANT TO THANK HER
AND YOU TWO PUBLICLY.

YOU JUST COME FOR THAT,
HMM?

WE--

OH--

BOY, I DIDN'T
FALL ASLEEP ONCE,

EXCEPT DURING THE PARTS

WHERE PEOPLE
WERE JUST TALKING.

BUT IN THE SWORDPLAY...

AND THE SMOOCHING--
TERRIFIC.

WHAT ABOUT MY FRANCIS?

OH, HE WAS GREAT.

I BELIEVED HE WAS
HER NURSE,

AND HE WAS VERY MANLY
IN THE GIRL'S CLOTHES.

YOU'RE READY
FOR BROADWAY!

AND, TONY,
YOU WAS GREAT

AS ROSARIO'S UNCLE.

I WASN'T HIS UNCLE.

I WAS HIS COUSIN.

WELL, WHOEVER YOU WERE,

YOU ALL MADE THE EVENING
VERY BEARABLE.

OH, PAPA, I'D LIKE TO SAY
HELLO TO THE CAST, EH?

YOU SAY
HELLO TO THE GIRLS.

ONLY TO THE GIRLS,
YOU UNDERSTAND, EH?

HELLO AND
GOOD-BYE, EH?

YOU KNOW, NEXT YEAR,
WE'RE DOING JULIUS AND CAESAR.

I'M PLAYING
MRS. CAESAR.

YOU EVER SEE
THE SMOKE IN THIS WAY?

SO RIDICULOUS, EH?

IT'S OBSCENE.

WHAT THEY ARE TRYING TO DO,
RE-CREATE FOREST FIRE?

STUPIDO.

LOOK AT THEM.

THEY ARE GREEN WITH ENVY
FROM OUR DECOR.

WHEN THEY
TASTE OUR FOOD,

THEY'RE GOING TO WISH

THEY WERE IN ANOTHER
BUSINESS ALTOGETHER.

I DON'T SEE
THE DAUGHTER.

SHE'S OVER THERE
WITH THE GIRLS.

YOU TWO WERE
SO SEXY UP THERE.

I THOUGHT
I WAS WATCHING

MEL GIBSON
AND MICHELLE PFEIFFER.

WHERE DID YOU LEARN
TO KISS LIKE THAT,

BOARDING SCHOOL?

I ASKED MY PARENTS
TO SEND ME.

THEY WERE AFRAID
I'D LOSE MY CHERRY.

THEY DON'T KNOW THIS,

BUT I LOST IT TO A GUIDO
WHEN I WAS 14.

I BEEN
TO THE CAPRI MOTEL.

WHAT IS
A CAPRI MOTEL?

THE HORNIEST PLACE
ON CITY ISLAND.

IT'S GOT WATERBEDS SHAPED
LIKE THE BACK SEAT OF A CAR

AND PORNO MOVIES
IN EVERY ROOM.

I LOST MINE
THERE, TOO.

I AIN'T BEEN A VIRGIN
ALMOST A MONTH.

AND WE KNOW
WHO MR. LUCKY IS.

WHAT?

WE'RE ALL VICTIMS
OF PEER PRESSURE.

WHAT ABOUT YOU?

OH, UM, MY PARENTS
ARE VERY STRICT.

WAIT HERE.

I'D LIKE TO CALL UP
MIKE AND SADIE CAPPAMEZZA

AND COUNT AND CONTESSA
MALACICI.

WHICH JUST SHOWS...

YOU WANT TO DANCE,
ROSARIO?

HEY!

...CAN TURN
BUSINESS RIVALS

INTO GOOD FRIENDS.

YEAH, YEAH.

1 AND 2 AND 3.

WHAT IS THAT?

WHAT IS THIS?
HEY. WHAT GOES HERE?

BRING REGINA.

HELLO, MR. FREDERICO,
MRS. F.

PIERO...WAIT.

LOOK.

THE FREDERICOS.

YES.

WE MUST NOT GO WITHOUT
TO TALK TO THEM.

WE MUST CATER
THEIR DAUGHTER'S WEDDING.

AHH...

HOW ARE YOU?

NICE TO SEE YOU.

YOUR DAUGHTER
CARMELLA RECITE

THE LINE OF LADY CAPULET
WITH SUCH ARTISTRY.

AND SHE REEKS
OF INTELLIGENCE.

YES.

AND THAT IS
WHY SHE DESERVE

THE GRAND WEDDING

WE HAVE PREPARED
FOR HER.

EVERY GUEST
WILL HAVE

ROAST GOOSE OR
BISTECCA CHATEAUBRIAND.

AND VANILLA TARTUFI.

AND AMARETTO CREME BRULEE
WITH THE WEDDING CAKE.

WHAT ABOUT THE SMOKE?

OH, YES.

EVERY MAN SMOKE
BIG CIGAR.

NO, NO, NO.

WE LIKE THE SMOKE EFFECT.

OH, SMOKE EFFECT.

AHH...WE LOVE
SMOKE EFFECT,

BUT OUR SMOKE
WILL BE FINER...

NOT ONLY
TO THE ANKLE,

BUT ALL THE WAY
TO THE CALF.

YES, AND SOFTER,
LIKE IN A FELLINI MOVIE.

THE SNEAKS ARE TRYING
TO STEAL THE FREDERICOS!

OOH...

WHAT DO YOU SAY,
RALPH?

HOW ARE YOU DOING,
ANGIE?

HI.
HOW ARE YOUSE?

HELLO.

THEY'RE NOT LOOKING.
NOW!

OH!

FOR CARMELLA'S WEDDING,
AS SOUVENIRS,

WE TAKE A PICTURE
OF YOU TWO

FROM YOUR WEDDING
AND WE PRINT IT

ON THE FRONT
OF EACH COFFEE CUP.

AND ENGRAVED
ON THE INSIDE,

A PINK ROSE ENTWINED
WITH A SILVER RIBBON

THAT SAYS,

"CARMELLA LOVES TONY
AND VICE VERSA,

"COMPLIMENTS,

ANGIE AND RALPH
FREDERICO."

I'VE NEVER SEEN THAT
BEFORE AT A WEDDING.

I AM SURE THEY DO IT
IN CONEY ISLAND.

HEY, THEY MAKE
A GOOD-LOOKING COUPLE

EVEN OFF THE STAGE.

WHO?

YOUR DAUGHTER
AND YOUR SON.

NOW I KNOW WHY THE MALACICIS

AND THE CAPPAMEZZAS
GET ALONG SO WELL.

THEY'RE MAKING A MATCH.

NO!
SHE'S ONLY 16!

NO, NO.

YOU SEE, HE'S JUST GOT
HIS DRIVER'S LICENSE.

THEY HAVE ONLY
THE SHAKESPEARE IN COMMON.

THAT'S ALL.

SHE'S RUSHING OFF
FOR CULTURE

TO PARIS
FOR THE BALLET,

AND HE'S TRYING TO
PURSUE HIS INTELLECT

TAKING GEOMETRY II
THIS SUMMER

IN SUMMER SCHOOL.

THE OTHER ROMEO DID NOT
COME CLOSE TO YOU.

DID YOU KISS HIM
LIKE YOU KISSED ME?

I NEVER KISS ANYONE
LIKE I KISS YOU.

I TAKE IT, UH,

THEY DON'T LIKE ME
FOR YOU.

THEY DON'T LIKE
ANYONE FOR ME,

BUT YOU
IN PARTICULAR.

WHY? BECAUSE
THE FOLKS ARE RIVALS?

NO.

BECAUSE YOU ARE
DANGEROUS AND SEXY.

AH, EASY, EASY.

SADIE WILL DESIGN

CANDY-COVERED ALMONDS
WRAPPED IN LACE...

WITH A BOW,

A PLASTIC BIRD, A FEATHER,
AND A SIMULATED ZIRCON RING.

WELL, THE MALACICIS SAY

THEY CAN DO
A SOFT FELLINI SMOKE

UP TO THE KNEES.

WELL, WE CAN DO BRIGHT

TERMINATOR 2 SMOKE
UP TO THE CHIN!

WATCH THIS!

WITH A DOUBLE TECHNICOLOR
WALT DISNEY RAINBOW.

OH, MY.

TURN IT DOWN!
IT'S WAY TOO HIGH, MIKEY!

I CAN'T.
IT'S STUCK!

DO SOMETHING!

I GOT TO GET
A WRENCH.

WHERE ARE THEY?

WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?
WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?

THE CHILDREN.

OH, BOY.

DID I DO THIS?

DID I MAKE THE RAINBOW
TOO ROMANTIC?

YOU BOTH DO!
YOU MAKE A CAMOUFLAGE!

IT'S YOUR FAULT!

STEALING THE FREDERICOS,
FORCING US TO SHOW OFF!

WAIT A MINUTE!
WAIT A MINUTE!

WHERE ARE THE FREDERICOS?

THIS IS EXACTLY
WHAT I WANT,

ONLY MORE PURPLE.

IS THIS WHERE
ALL THE BOYS TAKE THE GIRLS?

YEAH.

HAVE YOU EVER TAKEN
ANYONE ELSE HERE?

YEAH.

MY MOTHER, WHEN
WE NEEDED TO TALK,

AND ONCE MY GRANDMA.

YOU DON'T HAVE
A GIRLFRIEND?

NO.

HOW COME?

WELL, AFTER SAYING

ALL THOSE SHAKESPEAREAN
LINES TO YOU,

IT'S KIND OF HARD TO
COME UP WITH

THE RIGHT
WORDS, BUT, UH...

I'VE BEEN WAITING
FOR THE MOON...

TO SEND DOWN A GODDESS
FROM THE HEAVENS.

AND THEN
IT MUST HAVE DONE IT

BECAUSE, UH...
SHE'S COME.

OHH...

I'VE WAITED MY
WHOLE LIFE FOR YOU.

OH, NO!

WAIT, WAIT,
WAIT, WAIT!

DON'T BE SCARED.

WE'LL ONLY DO
WHAT YOU WANT TO DO.

OH!

GINA!

GINA!

WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

WHAT? WHAT?
WHAT DID I DO?

I'M CRAZY
IN LOVE WITH YOU!

I NEVER WANTED
TO BE A BALLERINA.

MOTHER AND FATHER
BOTH GAVE UP STUDYING

FOR THE OPERA
WHEN THEY GOT MARRIED,

AND I THOUGHT THAT THEIR DREAM
FOR ME WAS MINE, TOO.

AND MOTHER WANTS TO

KEEP ME AWAY FROM MEN
UNTIL I AM FAMOUS...

AND FATHER WANTS ME
TO MARRY ONLY ROYALTY

THAT HAS NOT GONE BROKE,
LIKE WE DID IN FIRENZE.

AND MY PARENTS--

THEY NAMED THE BUSINESS
"PRINCE ROSARIO" AFTER ME.

YOUR PARENTS
WERE RIGHT.

YOU ARE A PRINCE.

I'M NOT GOING AWAY.

YEAH. YOU GOT A RIGHT
TO THINK FOR YOURSELF.

YES.

LET'S GO
TELL THEM.

WHO?
YOU AND ME?

YES. YOU WON'T LET
THEM INTIMIDATE ME,

WILL YOU?

ABSOLUTELY NOT.

I'M USED TO DEALING
WITH CRAZY PEOPLE.

MY GRANDMOTHER IS
A COMPLETE FRUITCAKE.

SO, YOU LET ME DO THE TALKING
TO YOUR PARENTS, OK?

OK.

IF WE KNEW WHERE THEY WAS,
WOULDN'T WE TELL YOU?

IF YOUR SON DISHONOR
OUR DAUGHTER,

I WILL
HOLD YOU RESPONSIBLE!

OUR DAUGHTER IS AN ANGEL
OF REGAL BEARING,

A TREASURE, A PRINCESS
FROM A FAIRY TALE

WHO WALK IN PURITY!

AND WHAT'S OUR SON--
A BIG BAG OF SHIT?

MIKE! PLEASE DON'T
USE THE "S" WORD.

OUR SON,
HE'S A GENTLEMAN,

AND HE'S
AN ALTAR BOY.

HE'S A LOVER
OF ALL MOTHERS.

I WILL CALL THE POLICE.
I WILL CALL THE F.B.I.

THEY HAVE JUST
DRIVE UP IN THE CAR!

SEE? NOTHING
FROM NOTHING.

LET'S GO TO BED.

WHAT WILL
YOU SAY TO HIM?

I'LL TELL HIM, "HEY,
FORGET ABOUT PARIS.

SHE'S WITH ME. GET IT?"

HOW'S THAT?

LET'S GET OUT OF HERE!
MY FATHER WILL KILL YOU!

SHE'S JUST A BABY,

LITTLE PUSSY WUSSY
BUSHY THE PUSSYCAT!

SHE'S A LITTLE BABY
CALICO CAT.

SHE'S A LITTLE
KISSABLE CAT.

SHE'S A LITTLE--

HEY, MIKEY.

GET THE HELL
OUT OF HERE.

OH! OH, YES!
THANK YOU, BLESSED ROSCOE.

WHAT'S THAT?

NOTHING. JUST KEEP DOING
WHAT YOU'RE DOING.

YOU GOT IT.

HELLO.

YES. UH-HUH.

UH-HUH. OH!

THE KIDS, THEY LEFT.

WE GOT TO FIND OUT
WHERE THEY ARE.

YOU KNOW, MIKEY.
I'M NOT FEELING SO GOOD.

I'M A LITTLE NAUSEOUS.
GET ME A CUP OF MINT TEA.

HELLO.

OH, MONA, COULD
YOU PLEASE DO ME A FAVOR

AND ASK
THE BLESSED ROSCOE

IF HE KNOWS
WHERE THE KIDS ARE?

HOLD ON A SECOND.

UH-HUH.

THE BLESSED ROSCOE

SEES THEIR EXPECTATION
TO CONSUMMATE.

OH, BOY!

DOES HE KNOW WHERE?

HE SEES WATER,
A BED, THE LETTER "C."

UH-HUH.

THAT'S IT.
I GOT TO GO.

3 PEOPLE HAVE ASKED ME
TO TRY AND MAKE RAIN.

WATER, A BED,
THE LETTER "C."

THE LETTER "C."

MIKE, WE GOT TO GET
TO THE CAPRI MOTEL

BEFORE THEY CONSUMMATE
IN A WATERBED!

HOW DO YOU KNOW
THEY'RE THERE?

BECAUSE
IT ALL ADDS UP.

MY PARENTS
ARE GREAT IN A CRISIS.

WAIT RIGHT HERE.
I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

MA! POP!

I NEED YOUSE
FOR SOME ADVICE, HUH?

MA!

THE ONLY ONE HOME
IS MY GRANDMA,

AND SHE'S SLEEPING.

YOU WILL NOT EVER
LEAVE ME, WILL YOU?

NO.

NO, NO.
I LOVE YOU.

FROM THE TIP OF MY HEART
TO THE DEPTH OF MY SOUL,

I LOVE YOU.

I'D LIKE TO SEE
YOUR ROOM.

WELL,
IT'S REAL MESSY.

FARE L'AMORE
CON TE.

AMORE?

OH! BE TENDER WITH ME.
I'M A VIRGIN.

DITTO.

I DON'T SEE HIS CAR.

GOOD, GOOD.

WE'RE GOING
TO SAVE THEM

FROM RUINING
THEIR LIVES.

OH, ROMEO!

ROMEO, WHEREFORE
ART THOU, ROMEO?

THE MOON, JULIET.

I'M ON THE MOON!

OHH...

OH, MY GOD!
I DON'T BELIEVE IT.

IS IT THEM?

NO.

IT'S DR. RONDINO
AND MISS DeLUCA.

OOH!

WHAT DOES THIS MEAN?

IT MEANS
UP, DOWN, UP, DOWN.

THEY AIN'T COMIN'
HERE. LET'S GO HOME.

WATER...

BED,
AND THE LETTER "C."

OHH...

OH!

WATER, BED,
THE LETTER "C"!

"C" FOR CAPPAMEZZA
ON THE WATER!

MIKEY, THEY'RE IN OUR HOUSE
ON OUR WATER!

YOU GO LOOK.
I CAN'T LOOK. GO LOOK!

ALL RIGHT.

YOU WANT ME TO LOOK,
I'LL GO LOOK.

I'M GOING TO GO LOOK.

I LEFT
THE CANDLES BURNING.

ROSARIO!

ROSARIO!

WHO IS IT?

IT'S YOUR MOTHER AND DAD.

I'M SLEEPING.

I'LL TALK TO YOU
IN THE MORNING.

GET DRESSED AND
GET IN THE CLOSET.

WHERE'S
MY UNDERPANTS?

HERE, HERE.
WHERE'S MY BRA?

HERE'S YOUR BRA,

AND HERE'S
YOUR PANTIES.

I KNOW YOU'RE IN THERE
WITH THE GIRL.

WHAT MAKES
YOU THINK THAT?

I CAN SENSE IT
WITH MY MOTHER'S INTUITION.

THERE. HE TOOK HER HOME,
AND HE WAS SLEEPING.

GO BACK TO BED,
ROSARIO. COME ON.

YOU KNOW, I FEEL BAD
I DIDN'T TRUST HIM.

I'M GOING TO GO BACK
AND APOLOGIZE.

ROSARIO,
PLEASE FORGIVE--

OH!
OH!

UH-OH.

OH. OH.

OH.

WE LOVE EACH OTHER
VERY DEEPLY.

I MEAN, SHE'S THROUGH
LIVING A LIE

TO MAKE HER PARENTS HAPPY.

AND THAT IS WHY
WE SLEPT TOGETHER.

YOU SLEPT TOGETHER?

BUT YOU DIDN'T
HAVE SEX, DID YOU?

NO. THEY WERE
BOBBING FOR APPLES.

OH, NOT ROSARIO.

THIS GIRL,
SHE'S JULIET.

OH, I DID THIS.

I LEFT THE CANDLES
BURNING.

I MISREAD
THE BLESSED ROSCOE'S--

ALL RIGHT. ALL RIGHT.
ALL RIGHT.

LOOK, GIRLIE...

WE'RE ADULTS,
MY WIFE AND ME.

YOU HAD A BISENSUAL
RENDEZVOUS FOR 2

WITH MY SON,

AND YOU SHOULD
WALLOW IN IT

TOMORROW
ON THE PLANE.

YOU KNOW WHAT
I'M TALKING ABOUT?

WHAT MY HUSBAND
IS TRYING TO SAY IS

JUST CHERISH THE BLISS
YOU HAD WITH ROSARIO

IN BALLET SCHOOL,

AND THEN MAYBE
IN 6 OR 7 YEARS...

NO. I DO NOT
WANT TO GO TO PARIS.

YEAH! AND IF
SHE GOES, I GO, TOO.

WHAT?!

YOU GOT TO
GRADUATE HIGH SCHOOL

TO GO TO COLLEGE,

AND WHAT ABOUT
THIS SUMMER?

YOU AND ME
WERE GOING TO BE

FATHER AND SON

AND CURE PEPPERONI
TOGETHER.

ARE YOU TRYING
TO TELL US

THAT YOU WOULD GIVE UP
EVERYTHING FOR THIS GIRL?

MA, DO YOU WANT ME
TO BE HAPPY AND LIVE

OR MISERABLE AND DIE?

THESE ARE
MY ONLY CHOICES?

YEAH.

EXCUSE ME
A MINUTE, PLEASE.

SADIE,
I CAN'T TALK NOW.

I GOT
ANOTHER CLIENT HERE.

THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!

SO IS THIS.
TALK QUICK.

ME AND
THE BLESSED ROSCOE

HAVE GOT
OUR HANDS FULL.

FOR 7 YEARS...

SNEAKING AROUND
IN CHEAP MOTELS

IN FORBIDDEN BLISS
ON DAMP MATTRESSES.

ROSARIO SAYS

HE DOESN'T WANT TO
LIVE WITHOUT THIS GIRL.

WHY ME?

WHY ME?!

WHAT AM I
GOING TO DO?

OOH!

THE BLESSED ROSCOE
IS POKING ME.

HE SAYS WE'LL MARRY
WHEN HIS MOTHER DIES.

COULD YOU HOLD IT DOWN

FOR A SECOND,
SWEETHEART?

I'M TRYING
TO COMMUNE HERE.

THE WOMAN IS 94!

I MAY DIE BEFORE HER.

UH-HUH. UH-HUH.

THE BLESSED ROSCOE SAYS
LOVE IS NOT ENOUGH.

I THOUGHT YOU SAID
HE SAID LOVE IS ALL THERE IS.

LOVE IS
ALL THERE IS,

BUT IT'S ALSO
NOT ENOUGH.

WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?

I DON'T KNOW, SADIE.
FIGURE IT OUT.

HIS OLD MOTHER
SUFFERS SO.

DO YOU THINK YOU MIGHT
HAVE SOME...HUMANE HERBS

TO HELP HER TO HEAVEN?

HEY, THE BLESSED
ROSCOE AND ME

ARE HEALERS,
NOT HIT MEN.

LOVE IS ALL THERE IS.

LOVE IS NOT ENOUGH.

OPEN THIS DOOR.
I WANT TO SPEAK TO YOUR SON.

WE DEMAND TO KNOW
WHERE OUR DAUGHTER IS.

WAIT HERE.

OPEN THIS DOOR.

MY SON AIN'T HERE.

THE CAR IS IN FRONT.
WE KNOW HE IS IN THERE.

QUICK, HIDE HER.

NO. IT IS TIME

THEY FOUND OUT
WHO I REALLY AM

AND WHO MADE ME
TRUE TO MYSELF.

WE WILL TELL THEM,
RIGHT, ROSARIO?

ALACK, THERE LIES MORE PERIL
IN THINE EYES, JULIET,

THAN 20
OF THEIR SWORDS.

UH-OH.

DON'T BE A SUCKER,
ROSARIO. PLAY DUMB.

REGINA, WHAT
ARE YOU DOING HERE?

WE HAVE SOMETHING
WE WANT YOU TO KNOW,

SOMETHING
VERY IMPORTANT.

TELL THEM.

WHO, ME?

UM...PLEASE,
COME IN.

JOIN US
IN OUR PARLOR,

AND WE'LL HAVE A LITTLE
TETE-A-TETE TALK.

OH, MAY I OFFER YOU
A BANANA?

HOW ABOUT
A GUMMY BEAR?

WE DON'T WANT
BANANA, GUMMY BEAR.

WE WANT TO KNOW
THE A, B, C, AND THE D.

UM...

DID YOU EVER SEE THE EPISODE
OF AS THE WORLD TURNS

WHERE, UM, UH,
EMILY TELLS BARBARA

THAT SHE AND GAVIN
HAD A, UM,

A MYSTICAL ODYSSEY
ON THE BEACH?

OR MAYBE YOU READ
IN THE NATIONAL ENQUIRER

ABOUT CHER
AND HER LATEST GUITARIST

BEING CAUGHT
ON A MOTORCYCLE.

WELL...
ROSARIO AND GINA...

UNTHINKINGLY,
WHILE WE WERE OUT,

THEY WERE, UH...

THEY WERE SWEPT AWAY
IN OUR HOUSE.

WHAT?

WHAT IS SHE
TALKING ABOUT?

THEY, UM...

THEY HAD COITUS
THAT, UM...

WASN'T INTERRUPTUS.

AND NOW SHE DON'T WANT TO
GO TO PARIS NO MORE

OR BE A BALLET DANCER
ANYMORE.

SANTA RUDOLPHO,
MADRE DI DIO!

HAVE YOU LOST
YOUR MIND?!

YOU THROW AWAY
YOUR LIFE FOR THIS?!

YOU'RE GETTING
ON THAT PLANE

IF I HAVE TO
DRAG YOU BY THE HAIR!

YOU'RE MAKING
GINA CRY.

SHE WANTS TO BE
WITH ME.

IS THAT
SUCH A BAD THING?

I'M GOING TO
KILL YOU!

LET GO OF HIM!
HEY! HEY!

GET BACK
IN THAT CHAIR!

YOU WANT TO
SCREAM AND YELL

LIKE YOUR WIFE,

YOU GOT
EVERY RIGHT,

BUT YOU TRY TO CHOKE
MY SON AGAIN,

I'LL THROW YOU
IN THE BAY!

I CAN TAKE CARE
OF MYSELF, POP.

SHUT UP AND SIT DOWN

BEFORE I CHOKE
YOU MYSELF!

HE RUIN HER.
HE RUIN MY DAUGHTER.

HE RUIN EVERYBODY.

HE DID NOT
RUIN ANYBODY.

HE MADE ME HAPPY!

SHE'S MY DREAM
COME TRUE.

YOU SHUT UP.

I GET MY GUN.
I SHOOT YOU!

YOU AIN'T SHOOTIN' ANYBODY,
COUNT DRACULA!

I AM COUNT DRACULA?

THIS WHOLE FAMILY
IS FRANKENSTEIN!

PLEASE, LET'S NOT TURN
THIS INTO A TRAGEDY!

IT'S A COMEDY BECAUSE
THEY LOVE EACH OTHER.

AND...AND...LOOK,
I'M LAUGHING.

HA HA HA HA!

COME ON.
YOU LAUGH, TOO.

EVERYBODY LAUGH.

HA HA HA!

HA HA HA!
HA HA!

PUTANA!
PUTANA!

DON'T YOU EVER SET FOOT
IN MY HOUSE AGAIN!

SHH. SHE DON'T MEAN
YOU'RE A PUTANA.

I DO! I DO!

AND YOU'LL
GET NOTHING!

NOTHING!

YOU'LL GO FROM THIS WORLD
THE WAY YOU CAME--

WITH NOTHING!

PLEASE.
OH, DON'T REJECT HER.

I LEFT THE CANDLES
BURNING,

AND NOW THEY
LOVE EACH OTHER,

AND LOVE IS
ALL THERE IS.

YOU SHUT UP!

I KNEW THIS WAS
ALL YOUR FAULT!

CANDLES! VOODOO!

GOD IS GOING TO
PUNISH YOU!

IT IS NOT
VOODOO!

IT'S LOVE
CHARMS!

YOU'RE A WITCH!
A WITCH!

UNA STREGA!
UNA STREGA DEL DIAVOLO!

YOU CALL ME A WITCH?!

I HAVE LOST
MY PATIENCE WITH YOU!

JUST GET OUT
OF MY HOUSE!

I WILL NEVER
FORGIVE YOU FOR THIS!

YOU'LL HATE YOURSELF

FOR GIVING UP
THE BALLET!

I WAS ONLY
DOING IT FOR YOU.

I DON'T WANT YOU

TO GIVE UP YOUR TALENT
FOR LOVE, LIKE WE DID.

THAT WAS YOUR CHOICE.
THIS IS MINE.

OH!
OH!

WHAT ABOUT ROSARIO?

HE'S GOING TO GIVE UP
EVERYTHING FOR HER.

THAT'S RIGHT.

EVERYTHING?
ROSARIO HAVE NOTHING.

HE DON'T HAVE A JOB.

HE DON'T EVEN HAVE

A CERTIFICATE
OF HIGH SCHOOL!

HE'S GIVING UP
HIS FUTURE,

WHERE HE HAS
EVERYTHING--

HIS HIGH-SCHOOL
CERTIFICATE,

FAME, WEALTH!

OUR BUSINESS WILL
BE HIS SOMEDAY!

YOU ARE BROKE.

WE CHECK
IN THE BANK.

YOU OWE
$122,000,

AND NOW
EVERYBODY

IN THE WHOLE
NEIGHBORHOOD KNOW

THAT YOU ARE NOTHING

BUT A LOW-CLASS
JOE BLOW!

HOW DARE YOU CALL US
A LOW-CLASS JOE BLOW?!

WE ARE JUST AS PRETENTIOUS
AS YOU WILL EVER BE!

AND MAYBE THE WHOLE
NEIGHBORHOOD

SHOULD KNOW THAT
YOU TRIED TO SELL

YOUR TITLE
IN ITALY,

AND NOBODY
WOULD BUY IT!

WE LOOKED IT UP!

SON OF A BITCH!
SON OF A BITCH!

I WILL THROW YOU
AND YOUR WIFE IN THE BAY!

OH, YEAH?
COME ON! TRY IT!

DON'T STOOP
TO THEIR LEVEL.

I WANT TO GIVE HIM
BEATING.

THEY HAVE
NO BREEDING!

WE BREED PLENTY!

YEAH!

BUT HE DESERVES
A BEATING.

I WAS CHAMPION
OF BOXING

IN THE UNIVERSITY
OF BOLOGNA.

I GIVE HIM A BEATING
HE NEVER FORGET.

YOU WANT
A PIECE OF ME?!

COME UP HERE!

OH, NOW YOU'VE--

COME IN THE HOUSE!

NO! I WANT HIM!

PIERO!

I'M GONNA KILL HIM!
LET ME AT HIM!

I'M GONNA KILL HIM!

NO, NO. LEAVE THEM.
LEAVE THEM.

LET ME GET
MY HANDS ON YOU!

I AM EXHAUSTED.

I'M GONNA PUNCH HIM
RIGHT IN THE MOUTH!

YOU ARE
STUPID!

LET ME AT HIM!

YOU CHICKENSHIT
PECKERHEAD!

YOU MAKE ME CUP
OF COFFEE, NO?

I HATE THEM!

I WISH THEY WERE
NOT MY PARENTS!

LOOK, THAT'S LIKE WISHING
YOUR FOOT WASN'T YOUR FOOT

JUST BECAUSE
IT'S GOT A BAD FUNGUS.

I CAN NEVER
GO BACK TO THEM!

MAYBE THEY'RE JUST OBNOXIOUS
TEMPORARILY, HUH?

IN THE MEANTIME,

YOU'RE GOING TO BE
THE DAUGHTER

WE ALWAYS WANTED.

I TOLD YOU MY
PARENTS WERE GREAT.

LOOK, ROSARIO,

NOW THAT SHE'S UNDER
OUR SEXUAL AUSPICES,

YOUR BEHAVIOR
HAS GOT TO BE, UM...

ACCORDING TO THE RULES
OF QUEEN VICTORIA.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

KOSHER.

HERE. HERE'S ONE OF
GRANDMA'S BATHROBES.

AND YOU'RE GOING TO
SLEEP INSIDE THERE

WITH GRANDMA
IN HER BED.

YOU SEE, SEX IS
A GIFT FROM GOD,

AND YOU TWO HAVE CHOSEN
TO SHARE THAT GIFT,

BUT NOW WE'RE GOING
TO TAKE THAT GIFT,

WE'RE GOING TO PUT IT
BACK IN THE BOX

AND UNDER THE TREE, OK?

BECAUSE, YOU SEE,
MIKEY AND I,

WE'RE RESPONSIBLE NOW.

I WISH YOU WERE REALLY
MY MOTHER, MRS. CAPPAMEZZA.

GOOD NIGHT, GINA.

GOOD NIGHT.

GOOD NIGHT, HONEY.

GOOD NIGHT, MA.

GOOD NIGHT.

GOOD NIGHT, POP.

SHE'S SUCH
A SWEET GIRL.

YEAH.

I THINK
I HANDLED IT

AS IF LOVE
IS NOT ENOUGH.

LET'S GET BACK
TO WHAT WE WAS DOING.

WHAT?

YOU KNOW...WHOOPEE.

MIKE, WE GOT TO
STAND GUARD.

WHAT FOR?

WE CAN'T TAKE
A CHANCE.

THEY'RE TOO
OVERSTIMULATED.

AND WHAT AM I?

GINA.

GINA!

ROSARIO?

WHAT'S THE MATTER?
I HEARD YOU CRYING.

I NEVER TALKED BACK
TO MY PARENTS BEFORE.

WE BRING OUT THE BEST
IN EACH OTHER.

WILL YOU ALWAYS
LOVE ME

AND CHOOSE ME OVER
THE OTHER WOMAN?

WHAT OTHER WOMAN?

YOUR MOTHER.

I'LL NEVER HAVE TO CHOOSE.
I LOVE YOU BOTH.

AND SHE LOVES YOU, TOO.
YOU HEARD HER.

WHY DID SHE SAY

WE SHOULD NOT
SLEEP TOGETHER?

I AM NOT A PUTANA.

HEY, YOUR MOTHER
SAID THAT, NOT MINE!

YOU RAISE
YOUR VOICE TO ME?

YES.
I DID?

I'M SORRY.

I'M SORRY I INSULT
YOUR MOTHER.

OUR FIRST FIGHT.

YES.

IT MAKES ME HOT.

ME, TOO.

I STILL GOT
THE POTATO GNOCCHI

AND THE GARBAZEL
TO COOK.

THE FASULI-BALDILAMENTE
WEDDING IS A KILLER.

WHERE THE HELL'S
ROSARIO?

5:00.
HE AIN'T UP YET.

HE'S PROBABLY TIRED

FROM TALKING TO HER THROUGH
THE WINDOW ALL NIGHT.

HE'S TIRED?

I GOT PRACTICALLY
NO SLEEP,

AND WHEN
I DID SLEEP,

I DREAMED ABOUT YOU
AND YOU KNOW WHAT.

OH, MIKE, COME ON.

WE WERE ON TOP OF
THE SMALL BANQUET TABLE.

YEAH?

I HAD ONE FOOT
ON THE GROUND,

THE OTHER FOOT
UP IN THE AIR,

AND WITH
MY OTHER FOOT...

OH!

GOOD MORNING.

GOOD EVENING.

GO PUT THE CLAMS IN
THE FRA DIAVOLO SAUCE.

IT'S TOO HARD

STAYING AWAY
FROM GINA,

AND IT'S STUPID.

WE ALREADY HAD SEX
TOGETHER.

WHY SHOULD SHE SLEEP
IN GRANDMA'S BED

AND NOT MINE?

BECAUSE GRANDMA
CAN'T GET HER PREGNANT.

YOUSE CAN'T KEEP ME
FROM HER.

ROSARIO.

HEY!

ISABEL FASULI IS HERE
WITH HER MOTHER IN A PANIC.

OW! I'M CAUGHT
IN THE ZIPPER, SADIE!

HER GOWN SPLIT OPEN
AT THE CHURCH

DURING THE "I DOs."

SHE'S BEEN EATING CHOCOLATES
FOR 2 WEEKS AROUND THE CLOCK.

I'M NERVOUS, MA, OK?
I'M NERVOUS!

GIVE ME THAT CHOCOLATE BAR.
SPIT IT IN MY HAND.

ALL RIGHT. THIS IS WHAT

WE'RE GOING TO DO,
ADELE.

I'M GOING TO TAKE
THIS CABBAGE ROSE

THAT'S IN THE BACK,

AND I'M GOING TO
PUT IT IN THE FRONT,

AND THEN WE'RE
GOING TO TAKE

THIS BIG
CABBAGE ROSE,

AND I'M GOING TO
PUT IT IN THE BACK.

OH.

AND NOBODY WILL KNOW

THAT SHE GAINED
A FEW POUNDS.

HOW ABOUT 20
IN 2 WEEKS?

SOME OF US GAIN WEIGHT

BECAUSE WE FEEL THAT
IF WE HAVE EVERYTHING,

PEOPLE WILL ENVY US.

YEAH, MA.
PEOPLE ENVY ME.

THAT'S WHY I EAT!

NOW GO OUT
AND STUN YOUR GUESTS

AND SURPRISE
YOUR ENEMIES.

WAIT, MA. I GOT TO
GET MY SHOES.

FIDELLA, LOOK OUT!

WATCH WHAT YOU'RE DOING!

YOU ALMOST KILLED
ANOTHER CAT.

DON'T YOU DARE
EAT ANOTHER THING

UNTIL YOU LEAVE
FOR YOUR HONEYMOON.

THIS IS THE LAST FITTING

THAT I AM PUTTING
SADIE THROUGH.

MR. AND MRS. CAPPAMEZZA,
I WANT YOU TO KNOW

THAT ROSARIO JUST BURNED
HIS FINGER IN THE KITCHEN.

NOW, I DON'T KNOW WHAT
YOU SAID TO HIM ABOUT ME,

BUT YOU HURT HIM
VERY, VERY DEEPLY.

AND NOW, FOR THE FIRST TIME
AS MR. AND MRS. BALDILAMENTE,

PLEASE WELCOME
ISABEL AND VINNY!

HEY, VINNY,
THAT LOOKS BEAUTIFUL.

THAT CAKE LOOKS
ABSOLUTELY BEAUTIFUL.

YO, MA, POP!
EVERYBODY, LISTEN UP.

I JUST MADE
A BIG DECISION.

I WANT THE WHOLE
WORLD TO KNOW.

GINA, THERE'S SOMETHING
I SHOULD HAVE ASKED YOU

FROM THE MOMENT
I FIRST SAW YOU.

WHAT?

WILL YOU MARRY ME?

AH...

HA HA.

NOW WILL YOU BE
MY WIFE?

OH, ROSARIO,
YES, I WILL.

CONGRATULATIONS!

GET BACK TO WORK!
EVERYBODY, GET BACK TO WORK!

ARE YOU CRAZY?

ARE YOU CRAZY?

I THOUGHT
YOU'D BE HAPPY.

HAPPY?!

WE'D BE HAPPIER

IF YOU WERE BOTH
OUT OF HIGH SCHOOL.

YOU'RE STILL BABIES!

TELEPHONE,
GINA MALACICI.

MY BODY'S
ADDICTED TO HER.

I GOT TO
GET MARRIED.

YOU GET MARRIED
WHEN YOUR BRAIN IS MATURE,

NOT JUST
YOUR PUBIC PARTS!

MORE PIGS KNUCKLES.

COMING UP.
NO, YOU'RE TOO YOUNG.

MA, PLEASE.

IT'S NOT LEGAL.

IT IS LEGAL WITH
PARENTS' APPROVAL.

DIDN'T WE JUST
SAY NO?

MY PARENTS JUST GAVE
THEIR APPROVAL.

WHAT?!

LAST NIGHT THEY HATED
ROSARIO'S GUTS,

AND THEY THREW YOU
OUT INTO THE SNOW.

THEY MISS ME,

AND THEY WANT ME
TO BE HAPPY.

MORE FRIED OCTOPUS
AND ZUCCHINI STICKS!

ON THE FIRE!

IT'S VERY NICE
YOUR PARENTS MISS YOU,

BUT IF THEY GAVE
THEIR APPROVAL,

THEY GOT A COUPLE
SCREWS LOOSE.

MY PARENTS
HAPPEN TO BE

HIGHLY CULTURED
ARISTOCRATS!

THEY WOULD NEVER MAKE
A CAKE LIKE THAT!

THIS CAKE HAPPENS TO BE
OUR DELUXE GLAMORAMA,

AND NOBODY BUT US MATCHES
THE LITTLE PLASTIC DOLLS

TO THE LIVE
WEDDING PARTY.

IN ITALIA,

THESE STRAWBERRIES
WITH GOLD ROSES,

THEY WOULD BE
A LAUGHINGSTOCK!

WELL, IN THESE PARTS,
THEY'RE THE CAT'S ASS.

MORE SCUNGILLI MARINARA!

READY TO TRAVEL!

I THINK WHAT IT IS
IS THAT YOU MISS YOUR PARENTS,

AND THAT'S WHY YOU'RE
ACTING SO NUTSY.

I AM JUST TRYING
TO TEACH YOU

WHAT'S IN BAD TASTE,
MRS. CAPPAMEZZA.

MORE RICE AND PEPPERONI
FRITTERS!

COMING UP!

IF THERE'S
ANY ONE PERSON

WHO SHOULD BE TEACHING
SOMEBODY SOMETHING,

IT SHOULD BE ME!

I'LL HAVE YOU KNOW

THAT I STARRED
ON WEDDING DOs AND DON'Ts

ON THE LOCAL
CITY ISLAND CABLE CHANNEL,

WHERE I POINTED OUT
THAT BAD TASTE

WAS BETTER THAN
NO TASTE AT ALL.

AM I RIGHT, ROSARIO?

APOLOGIZE TO GINA
FOR CALLING HER NUTSY.

WHAT? SHE JUST INSULTED
ME AND YOUR FATHER.

IT'S TRUE. HER
PARENTS' DECORATIONS

ARE LESS GABON.

WHO'S A GABON?
I'M A GABON?

MORE PIGS KNUCKLES!

WHAT THE HELL
ARE THESE PEOPLE

EATING THE HORS D'OEUVRES
WITH, A SHOVEL?!

MIKE, WE GOT
A PROBLEM.

I KNOW. WE'RE OUT
OF PIGS KNUCKLES.

HOW COME I HEAR
THAT THE MALACICIS

OFFER MY WIFE'S
BROTHER JACKIE,

THAT FRIGGIN' UMPA LUMPA,

THE EXACT SAME DELUXE WEDDING
AS ISABEL FOR 50% LESS?!

THEY'RE UNDERCUTTING,
JOE.

THEY LOSE MONEY
AT THAT PRICE.

THE MALACICIS
MAY USE OUR MENU,

BUT THEIR PORTIONS,
THEY'RE SO REFINED

FOR PEOPLE LIKE YOU
AND YOUR FAMILIES

WITH LARGE,
GOURMET FRAMES...

I WANT A REFUND NOW,

OR I WILL NEVER DO
ANOTHER AFFAIR HERE!

AND THAT GOES FOR

MY WIFE'S SIDE,
THE LACIANNOS,

HER MOTHER'S SIDE,
THE BRUNOS,

THE BALDIMENTES,

AND THE
MACROGIOVANNIS!

WE CAN'T.
WE'RE PAYING OFF OUR LOAN.

COME HELP ME!

ISABEL THREW UP
DOING THE ALLEY CAT.

I TOLD HER NOT TO STUFF HERSELF

WITH THE PORK
AND THE PLUM SAUCE!

ALL RIGHT.
ACT CASUAL.

MAYBE NOBODY
WILL NOTICE.

NOBODY WILL NOTICE

THAT SHE HAS VOMIT
ON HER WEDDING GOWN?!

SADIE, DO SOMETHING!

RIGHT. HERE. WIPE HER OFF
WITH THIS RAG,

AND HANG THIS
CAR FRESHENER ON HER.

THEY SAY IT'S
THE LATEST THING.

ROSARIO, COULDN'T WE

TALK ABOUT THIS
LATER, PLEASE?

DON'T MAKE HIM CHOOSE
BETWEEN ME AND YOU!

THAT'S NOT A VERY
NICE THING TO SAY.

IF WE'RE OLD ENOUGH TO WANT
TO MAKE LOVE ALL DAY,

WE'RE OLD ENOUGH
TO GET MARRIED.

IT'S EASY TO MAKE
LOVE ALL DAY

WHEN YOU'RE NOT
MARRIED.

IT'S MUCH HARDER
WHEN YOU HAVE TO!

THAT'S RIGHT.
WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

HER PARENTS' HOUSE.

AT LEAST THEY WANT
US TO BE HAPPY!

YOU'D GO LIVE

WITH THOSE SNEAKY
SLEAZE BAGS?

HOW DARE YOU SAY THAT
ABOUT MY PARENTS!

KEEP QUIET!
I'M TALKING TO HIM!

WE SPEAK THE TRUTH

BECAUSE WE LOVE
EACH OTHER!

YEAH? HERE'S TRUTH.
YOU'RE JEALOUS OF US.

AND HERE'S

I DON'T EVEN KNOW
IF I WANT TO BE

IN THE CATERING
BUSINESS.

HOT STUFF
COMING THROUGH.

I CAN'T BELIEVE
HE LEFT.

I CAN'T BELIEVE

HE DOESN'T
WANT TO BE

IN THE CATERING
BUSINESS.

THEY'RE READY FOR
THE POLYNESIAN PUPU PLATTERS!

HEY, WHAT HAPPENED?

OUR HEIR APPARENT
JUST WALKED OUT ON US.

AND WHAT HAPPENED
TO THE BIRD?

ONE OF THEM
JUST KEELED OVER.

OH, MY GOD.
IT'S THE FEMALE.

MARY, MOTHER OF GOD,
PLEASE SAVE HER.

WHY ARE YOU
SO HYSTERICAL?

MIKE, DON'T YOU GET
THE SYMBOLISM?

I JINXED THE BIRD.

IF SHE DIES,

I WILL HAVE KILLED HER
WITH MY THOUGHTS!

SADIE, THOUGHTS
DON'T KILL.

PLEASE, MIKE,
RUSH HER TO THE VET,

AND DON'T LET HER
DIE, PLEASE!

OK, OK, OK, OK.

I'LL TAKE HER
TO THE VET.

I CAN'T COME
TO THE PHONE.

HAVING AN OUT-OF-BODY
EXPERIENCE.

LEAVE YOUR NAME
AND NUMBER AFTER THE BEEP,

AND I'LL CALL YOU BACK
BEFORE SATURN IS IN RETROGRADE.

[BEEP]

OH, BOY.

LET ME TELL YOU
A COUPLE THINGS

ABOUT YOUR MOTHER-IN-LAW
THAT YOU DON'T KNOW.

SHE AUDITIONED FOR
THE ORIGINAL MOVIE JAWS.

YOU KNOW WHY
SHE DIDN'T GET IT?

HER MOUTH
WAS TOO BIG.

SHE WALKED OVER
TO HER GIRLFRIEND,

AND SHE SAID,

"I WAS STUCK IN THE
ESCALATOR FOR 3 1/2 HOURS."

"WHY DIDN'T YOU
WALK DOWN?"

"I WAS GOING UP."

MONSIGNOR,
MONSIGNOR,

CAN I TALK TO YOU
FOR A MINUTE, PLEASE?

THANK YOU.

YOU SEE, AN ANONYMOUS
UNDERAGE COUPLE

PARTOOK OF GRATIFICATION
COITALLY,

AND I'D LIKE TO DROP
SOMETHING ON THEIR HEADS,

BUT I DON'T WANT TO
BE INTERFERING,

AND A BIRD, SYMBOLIZING
THE FEMALE IN THIS COUPLE,

IS AT DEATH'S DOOR.

ARE YOU FAMILIAR
WITH THE BLESSED ROSCOE,

THE MERRY MARTYR?

NO...

BUT I HAVE A FEELING
MONA BARCAVELLA IS.

YOU DON'T THINK
SHE'S A NUT, TOO,

DO YOU, FATHER?

SADIE, THERE ARE PEOPLE
WHO THINK I'M A NUT.

FIRST THE BLESSED ROSCOE
SAID, "LOVE IS ALL THERE IS,"

AND THEN HE SAID,
"LOVE IS NOT ENOUGH."

THAT'S THE RIDDLE
OF THE SPHINX.

LOVE IS
ALL THERE IS...

BUT WHEN IS LOVE
NOT ENOUGH?

I'VE BEEN WORKING
ON THAT ONE MYSELF.

OH, THAT'S SO COMFORTING
TO KNOW, FATHER.

I'LL DO THIS
FOR YOU.

I'LL GIVE YOU
ANOTHER RIDDLE.

WHO ARE YOU WHEN
YOU'RE NOT A MOTHER?

WHEN I'M NOT A MOTHER?

WHO AM I?

AW...

MONSIGNOR, I DON'T KNOW.

NOW LET ME TELL YOU
ABOUT MY MOTHER-IN-LAW.

THIS WOMAN IS SO FAT

THAT SHE WAS CROSSING
KING'S HIGHWAY,

A TRUCK WENT AROUND HER
AND RAN OUT OF GAS.

I'LL TELL YOU HOW STUPID
MY MOTHER-IN-LAW IS.

SHE THINKS MUTUAL ORGASM
IS AN INSURANCE COMPANY.

ENOUGH WITH THE
MOTHER-IN-LAW JOKES.

HOW ABOUT THE GAGA
THAT MOTHER-IN-LAWS

HAVE TO PUT UP WITH
FROM DAUGHTER-IN-LAWS?

NOBODY EVER TALKS
ABOUT THAT.

YOU STINK.
KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT.

WHO NEEDS
TO LISTEN TO THAT?

MY DAUGHTER-IN-LAW,
THAT STRUSH.

COMEDIANS--
THEY HAVE NO RESPECT.

YOU'RE NOT EVEN FUNNY!

WAIT. WAIT. I'M JUST--

GET OFF THE STAGE!

YOU STINK!

GET THE HELL OFF!

IT WAS JUST A JOKE.

YOU DON'T KNOW DICK!
YOU'RE NOT FUNNY.

I GOT
A SON-IN-LAW.

GET OFF!
YOU STINK!

MAMA, PAPA,

THEY DID NOT WANT US
TO GET MARRIED.

I REALLY APPRECIATE
YOUR ACCEPTING US, DAD.

YOU DON'T MIND ME
CALLING YOU DAD, DO YOU?

WHAT
ARE YOU DOING?

SOMEDAY YOU WILL
THANK US.

DON'T YOU COME
BACK HERE AGAIN!

WE'RE LOCKING HER
IN HER ROOM

AND SENDING HER
TO PARIS

TOMORROW MORNING
UNDER GUARD!

I'LL KICK YOU
IN THE ASS!

AND BURN THIS VULGAR
CAPPAMEZZA RAG.

OH, ROSARIO,
YOU'RE BACK.

OH, THANK GOD.

HER PARENTS
LOCKED HER UP.

THEY'RE GIVING HER
A POLICE ESCORT

TO THE PLANE
TOMORROW.

IT'S FOR THE BEST.

THOSE PEOPLE,
THEY'RE POISON.

IF SHE LEAVES,

I NEVER WANT TO
SEE YOU AGAIN.

ROSARIO...

ROSARIO...

YOU KNOW HOW MUCH
I ADORE YOU.

YOU DON'T GET IT,
DO YOU, MA?

IT'S OVER
BETWEEN US.

IT'S HER TURN
TO ADORE ME NOW.

SO, UH...
YOU CAME BACK.

THAT'S, UH...
THAT'S GOOD.

WHAT HAPPENED?

HER PARENTS,
THEY LIED TO THEM

ABOUT GETTING
MARRIED,

AND NOW THEY'RE
SENDING HER

OFF TO PARIS
TOMORROW BY FORCE.

OOH, ARE WE LUCKY.

MIKE, IS THE BIRD
GOING TO BE OK?

IT'S GOT A BROKEN WING.
IT'S IN SHOCK.

WITH THE X-RAYS,
WE'RE UP TO 200 BUCKS.

THE VET WANTS TO KNOW
HOW MUCH MORE

WE'RE WILLING
TO SPEND.

EVERYTHING WE GOT!

BROKEN WING...

AND...AND SHOCK.

WHAT DOES THIS
ALL MEAN?

WHY DOES EVERYTHING

ALWAYS HAVE TO MEAN
SOMETHING WITH YOU, SADIE?

EVERYTHING ISN'T ALWAYS
WHAT IT SEEMS TO BE.

I'M LOOKING FOR
WHAT REALLY IS.

I WANT TO BE
A GOOD PERSON.

I DON'T WANT TO
CHANGE PEOPLE

BY PUSHING THEM.

I WANT TO CHANGE
THEM WITH MY LOVE.

IF WE GET
ARRESTED FOR THIS,

I'LL NEVER TELL,

BECAUSE ANYTHING
IN THE NAME OF LOVE

IS GOD'S WORK.

WE'RE LIKE HOLY WARRIORS
AND SHIT.

HEAVEN IS HERE,
WHERE JULIET LIVES.

EVERY DOG
AND EVERY CAT

AND EVERY LITTLE MOUSE
MAY LOOK UPON HER,

BUT ROMEO MAY NOT.

WHEN CARMELLA
DISTRACTS THEM

WITH THE LOUD MUSIC,

I SPIKE THE SAUCE.

IN THE CONFUSION,
WE SNATCH GINA AWAY.

THIS IS A GREAT PLAN.
I LOVE THIS PLAN.

I'M CALLING MY POTION
ROSARIO'S REVENGE.

DUCK!

OH!
THIS IS SO EXCITING.

I HUMBLY ACCEPT
THIS AWARD

FROM THE CITY ISLAND
CULTURAL SOCIETY.

IT'S NOT
GOING TO WORK.

THIS STUFF WOULD
KILL THE HAIRS

ON A CALABRESA'S
ASS.

AS ITALIANS, BE PROUD
TO BE FROM THE COUNTRY

THAT GAVE US DANTE,

THAT GAVE US DA VINCI,
THAT GAVE US PUCCINI,

THAT GAVE US--

MICHELANGELO.

HOW CRUDE.

PIERO DELLA
FRANCESCA,

TINTORETTO.

CAPPAMEZZA SABOTAGE.

CHASE THAT CALAMARI
AWAY FROM HERE.

CHASE THEM!

I HOPE THIS WORKS.

THERE'S HOT PEPPERS
IN THERE

MY FAMILY'S BEEN
MARINATING

SINCE
BEFORE MUSSOLINI.

OH, BOY,
THEY'RE COMING THIS WAY.

AAH!

WE'RE ON OUR WAY.

AS SHAKESPEARE
WOULD SAY,

"MAY THE MERRY
FARTS BEGIN."

BABY! BABY! OH, BABY!

THIS IS THE LAST STRAW!
THE SICILIAN CAPPAMEZZA!

DESTROY THEM!

I WANT YOU TO BRING
THEM TO THEIR KNEES!

I WILL BRING THEM
TO THEIR FEET!

LET ME AT THEM!

WHAT DID
I TELL YOU?

IT'S WORKING
LIKE A DREAM.

HOIST YOURSELF UP.
I GOT YOU.

UH! UH!

YOU CAME FOR ME!
YOU CAME FOR ME!

QUICK. LEAVE THEM
THIS NOTE.

I WANT THEM
TO THINK

WE'RE
COMMITTING SUICIDE.

THAT WAY,
WHEN THEY FIND OUT

WE'RE JUST ELOPING,
THEY'LL BE GRATEFUL.

YOU ARE SO SMART.

CLIMB ON MY BACK.

OH...

ALL RIGHT.
MOVE IT OVER.

OW! MY EAR.

THAT'S MY EAR.

OH, GOD.

GO, VINNY!
GO, VINNY!

VINNY! VINNY!
GO, VINNY!

COME ON.
COME ON!

RUN! RUN!

HEY!

WE GOT TO HIDE.

IN HERE,
IN THE SMOKEHOUSE.

I WAS LOOKING
FOR MY PUSSYCAT.

YOU SEEN HIM?

BIG ORANGE GUY,
3 LEGS.

HERE, TRIPOD.
TRIPOD.

HERE, TRIPOD.
WHERE ARE YOU, TRIPOD?

THE COAST IS CLEAR.

I THINK WE CAN
GET AWAY NOW.

BY THIS TIME TOMORROW,

WE'LL BE IN TENNESSEE
AND MARRIED.

WE GOT TO GET BACK
TO MY CAR

BEFORE
THEY GET BACK.

LET'S GO.

I LOVE
WHAT YOU'VE DONE.

I LOVE THAT WE'RE
TRICKING OUR PARENTS.

THEY THINK THEY
KNOW EVERYTHING.

YEAH. WHO NEEDS THEM?
WE GOT EACH OTHER.

SHOULD WE NOT
BE GOING?

WE GOT TIME.

AH...

NOT MARILYN!
OH, MY CAKE!

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

I'M GONNA KILL YOU!
I SWEAR!

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

UH!

IT'S OK. HERE.
I'M GOING TO HELP YOU.

OOH...OH! OH!

AAH!

THE WEDDING
IS RUINED.

MY LIFE IS OVER.

THE MALACICIS
DID THIS!

LET'S GO TEACH
THOSE ASS WIPES A LESSON!

NOBODY MAKES A JERK OUT
OF MY BABY ISABEL!

I'LL KILL THEM!
I'LL KILL THEM!

OOH...CANNOLI CREME.

IF I GET
MY HANDS ON THEM,

I'LL MASH THEM,
I'LL BASH THEM,

I'LL PULVERIZE THEM!

DO YOU KNOW WHAT
THIS WEDDING COST ME?

22,500!
WITHOUT THE BAND!

GET THEM!

GET EVERY FRIGGIN'
ONE OF THEM!

GET THOSE BASTARDS!

I SAVED 15 YEARS FOR
THAT BEAUTIFUL WEDDING,

SINCE HER FIRST
HOLY COMMUNION!

GIVE ME A HAND.

LET'S KNOCK THEIR NEW SMOKEHOUSE
OVER ON ITS ASS!

READY, HEAVE!

WHAT'S HAPPENING?

I DON'T KNOW.

WE GOT TO GET
OUT OF HERE.

HEAVE!

WE GOT THEM!
WE GOT THEM!

I THINK I PULLED
SOMETHING.

WHERE'S THE DOOR?

I DON'T KNOW.

I THINK WE'RE
SITTING ON IT.

OW!

OK, LET'S NOT PANIC.

I'LL FIGURE
SOMETHING OUT.

WHAT IS THAT SMELL?

GAS. A LINE
MUST BE BROKEN.

HELP! HELP!

HELP!

SOMEBODY
HELP US, PLEASE!

PLEASE! MAMA! PAPA!

MOMMY! DADDY!
HELP, PLEASE!

MAMA!

AAH!

GINA IS GONE!
SHE LEFT THIS NOTE!

"DEAR PARENTS,

"WE DON'T WANT TO LIVE
WITHOUT EACH OTHER.

"FORGIVE US
FOR WHAT WE ARE DOING.

"ROSARIO AND GINA.

LOVE IS FOREVER
IN LIFE AND DEATH."

IT'S ROSARIO'S
HANDWRITING!

OH, HE CAN'T
MEAN SUICIDE!

YOU HAVE TO FIND
OUR CHILDREN!

YOU MUST
FIND THEM!

JIMMY, PUT OUT
AN APB ON THEM.

THEY CAN'T HAVE
GONE FAR.

COULD THE BIRD--

COULD THE BROKEN
WING MEAN--

LOOK, WE GOT
TO GO FIND THEM.

COME ON!

HELP! HELP!

HELP!

IF THEY DIE,

I WILL NEVER
FORGIVE MYSELF.

BLESSED MOTHER, MIKEY AND I
AND OUR NEW ACQUAINTANCES,

THE COUNT AND CONTESSA
MALACICI,

ASK YOU TO PLEASE BRING
OUR CHILDREN HOME SAFELY.

I'LL GO TO CHURCH
EVERY WEEK.

I GO
WITH YOU!

OH, GINA!

IT'S NO USE.

I CAN'T FIND
THE LEAK.

I REGRET ANY MOMENT
I'VE LIVED WITHOUT YOU.

WE'LL BE TOGETHER
FOREVER

IN THE AFTERLIFE.

ALWAYS.

I DON'T WANT TO DIE!

HELP!

I DON'T WANT TO DIE!

HELP! HELP!

MICHAEL.

WHAT?

I PROMISE,

IF THE CHILDREN
ARE ALL RIGHT,

WE WILL DIVIDE
THE NEIGHBORHOOD

IN EQUAL PART.

I WILL GO AFTER

ONLY THE UPPER
ECHELON,

AND YOU WILL
GO AFTER

THE PEOPLE
OF YOUR LEVEL.

YOU'RE A REAL FAIR GUY
FOR A BIG SNOB.

I THANK YOU
VERY MUCH.

PLEASE, DEAR GOD,

SEND SOMEBODY
TO GUIDE US.

LOOK! QUICK,
STOP THE CAR!

MONA?

I'VE BEEN
PRAYING FOR YOU.

IT'S A MIRACLE
THAT YOU HEARD ME.

BOTH OF YOUSE KIDS
IS IN DANGER.

BUT DOESN'T
THE BLESSED ROSCOE

KNOW WHERE THEY ARE?

THE BLESSED ROSCOE
CAN'T HELP YOU.

YOU ARE CREATING

THE MEANING
TO YOUR LIFE.

YOU GOT
THE POWER HERE.

YOU WILL FIND THEM,
WITH THIS.

THIS?

YES!

THIS AND THIS AND THIS
AIN'T ENOUGH ANYMORE.

NOW GO! YOUSE AIN'T
GOT A SECOND TO LOSE.

GO!

WHERE
ARE WE TO GO?

I DON'T KNOW,

BUT WE AIN'T GOT
A SECOND TO WASTE.

HELP...

HELP.

WE HAVE BEEN

AROUND THIS
NEIGHBORHOOD 3 TIMES.

NOW WE MUST GO BACK,
CHECK WITH THE POLICE!

A LITTLE LONGER, PLEASE.

I'M TRYING TO FIND THEM
WITH THIS.

OW!

YOU ALL RIGHT?

YEAH. I FELL DOWN.
I HURT MY ARM.

I THINK YOUR ARM
IS BROKEN.

MIKE.

WHAT?

MIKE, IT'S ME!

IT'S ME!

I'M THE BIRD
WITH THE BROKEN WING.

I'M THE ONE WHO
HAS TO BE HEALED.

WHAT IS SHE
TALKING ABOUT?

I DON'T KNOW

WHAT SHE IS
TALKING ABOUT.

THEY'RE NOT
COMMITTING SUICIDE.

IT'S ME THAT WANTED TO DIE
FROM LOSING HIM.

THEY...
THEY'RE ELOPING.

PIERO, TURN
THE CAR AROUND.

THEY'RE IN DANGER!

I THOUGHT YOU JUST SAID
THEY'RE JUST ELOPING.

MAYBE THEY WERE,
BUT NOW THEY'RE IN DANGER.

LOOK. LOOK
AT THE CLOUD.

DON'T YOU SEE
THE SNORTING DRAGONS?

I DON'T SEE
THE CLOUDS.

WHAT IS
A SNORTY DRAGON?

PIERO, TURN
THE CAR AROUND.

THUS WITH A KISS,
I DIE.

THEY'RE HERE.

THEY'RE HERE.
THEY'RE HERE. AAH!

WHERE?
WHERE ARE THEY?

THEY'RE HERE SOMEWHERE.
I'M BEGINNING TO FEEL IT,

NOT JUST HERE...
OR HERE...OR HERE,

BUT--BUT HERE!

OVER HERE! THIS WAY!
THIS WAY!

WHICH WAY?
THIS WAY?

THIS WAY!
THIS WAY!

WHICH WAY ARE
YOU TALKING ABOUT?

NO! OVER HERE!

SHH. SHH.

LISTEN.

I HEAR
SOMETHING.

I SMELL GAS.

THE SMOKEHOUSE!

THEY GOT TO
BE IN THERE.

WE GOT IT! WE GOT IT!
PUSH IT DOWN!

PULL IT OPEN!

OUCH.

Help.

LET ME OUT OF HERE.

PUSH AGAIN.

NO, NO, NO, NO. PULL.

PUSH.

OPEN THE DOOR.
WHERE'S THE DOOR?

PULL.

OH, GOD.

THANK YOU SO MUCH.

JESUS. I'M SO SORRY.

WHERE AM I?

YOU'RE IN
THE HOSPITAL.

THIS, I THINK, YOU'LL
GET A BIG KICK OUT OF.

YOU'RE ON SEDATIVES,
JUST LIKE THE BIRD.

HA HA HA.

I'M GLAD
YOU'RE OK, SADIE.

I WOULD HAVE BEEN INDISPOSABLE
WITHOUT YOU, YOU KNOW.

I KNOW, MIKEY.

I AM SO HAPPY

YOU'RE LOOKING
SO WELL, SADIE.

FROM THE BOTTOM
OF MY SOUL,

I WANT TO THANK YOU
THAT YOU FIND THE CHILDREN.

YOU ARE VERY SPIRITUAL.

THANK YOU, PIERO.

I'M SORRY FOR ACTING
SO...NUTSY WITH YOU.

YOU FORGIVE US?

THAT'S WHAT MOTHERS
ARE FOR, HUH?

WE WERE TOO YOUNG
TO GET MARRIED,

BUT WE BELIEVE
THE EXPERIENCE

HAS GROWN US UP.

WE WANT TO GET
MARRIED

BECAUSE WE BELIEVE

THE MEANING
FOR YOU SAVING US

IS SO THAT WE COULD
BE TOGETHER.

WHAT DO YOU THINK,
MONSIGNOR?

AT 16...SEXUALITY
OVERWHELMS OTHER FEELINGS.

CAN THEY LOVE
THEMSELVES ENOUGH

SO THEY CAN LOVE
EACH OTHER MORE?

ANOTHER MYSTERY,
MONSIGNOR, HUH?

MIKE?

I VOTE YES BECAUSE
THEY GOT US OVER A BARREL.

MARIA? PIERO?

ONE MOMENTS,
PLEASE, EH?

PIERO!

THEY ARE IN LOVE.
THAT IS A FACT.

WE AGREE
TO THE MARRIAGE.

EEE! HA HA HA!

UNDER
THIS CONDITION...

THE APPETIZER
AND THE PASTA

WILL BE AT YOUR
CATERING HALL.

THE ENTREE
AND THE DESSERT

WILL BE AT OUR
CATERING HALL,

AND THERE WILL BE
NO SMOKE EFFECT,

OR THE DEAL IS OFF!

BEFORE WE BEGIN
OUR CEREMONY,

ROSARIO AND GINA HAVE
WRITTEN THEIR OWN VOWS,

AND THEY'D LIKE TO
MAKE THEM AT THIS TIME.

I'M SURE THE MARRIAGE

IS GOING TO MATURE
THEM REAL FAST,

AND EVERYTHING'S
GOING TO BE ALL RIGHT.

I PROMISE THAT I WILL
NEVER WEAR CLOTHES

THAT YOU DON'T THINK
I LOOK GOOD IN.

AND I PROMISE TO
GIVE YOU THE SPACE

TO PLAY
YOUR KIND OF MUSIC.

AT LEAST
THEY'RE NOT ON DRUGS,

EXCEPT FOR EACH OTHER.

I'D LIKE TO THANK MY PARENTS
FOR MAKING IT POSSIBLE

FOR ME TO GO TO PARIS
WITH GINA FOR 4 YEARS

TO STUDY ACTING

AT THE COMEDIE-FRANCAISE
DURING THE DAY

AND CORDON BLEU
FOR COOKING AT NIGHT.

AND MY PARENTS,

FOR ALLOWING ME

TO STUDY BALLET
AND ARCHAEOLOGY

AND FOR SUPPORTING
ME AND ROSARIO

WHILE WE FIND
OURSELVES.

I HOPE THEY'RE GOING
TO BE HAPPY, MIKEY.

IF THEY'RE NOT...

IT'S REALLY NONE
OF OUR BUSINESS.

I FIGURED
IT OUT.

"LOVE IS ALL
THERE IS"

MEANS
THAT LOVE IS REAL,

LOVE IS
THE IMMORTAL SOUL.

SO IF YOU'RE
A PARENT,

YOU LET YOUR CHILDREN
FOLLOW THEIR HEARTS.

AND "LOVE IS NOT
ENOUGH" MEANS

THAT EVEN
IF YOUR KIDS

DON'T KNOW
WHAT THEY'RE DOING,

IF YOU'RE A GOOD
PARENT, YOU SAY,

"IT'S OK.
IT'S YOUR LIFE."

WE RELEASE
THESE DOVES,

AND OUR LOVE
SOARS WITH THEM.

I THINK

THE BIRDS BEING
SO HEALTHY AND HAPPY

MEANS THAT THE KIDS
ARE GOING TO BE, TOO.

I WONDER
WHAT THAT MEANS.

I NOW PRONOUNCE YOU
MAN AND WIFE.

YOU MAY KISS
THE BRIDE.

LOVELY.

AND THEY ALL LIVED
HAPPILY EVER AFTER

TILL LAST THURSDAY
AROUND 3:00,

BUT THAT'S ANOTHER STORY.

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MGM/UA HOME ENTERTAINMENT INC.

CAPTIONING PERFORMED BY
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