Lost Holiday (2019) - full transcript
A New York social worker finds herself embroiled in the kidnapping of a Washington DC socialite.
¶ ¶
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We hadn't seen
Margaret or Henry
since Fourth of July
when Mark got the keys
to the Athletic Building
and we flew like kids
for a night.
I think that's where
it all ended, but...
they had no idea.
This is to cheating death
by a near-miss.
Those heart thumps...
leading to a kiss.
Wish it could stay like this.
Guess it's good-bye
to sex in parks,
running from cops,
cigs on rooftops,
skipping school,
and stolen swimming pools.
Stoned, sweaty nights,
bar fights,
drunken bliss.
Wish it could stay like this.
Yeah, she's always
around the noise, totally chill.
Who are we talking about here?
I think the two of 'em
really clicked during pregnancy.
I can see that, man.
Good job.
I'm pissing
my fucking pants, dude!
Thanks, brother.
What's her class this year?
- Third grade.
- Nice.
Oh, yeah, great age!
Oh, fuck.
I-I'm sorry, man.
You're so lucky.
Oh, my gosh.
Like, Waters is talking about
the--the, like,
the fascists
inside of all of us.
Huh, are Margo
and Henry on acid, too?
It's a two-year program
that most of the second year
is spent at the women's clinic.
Wow, that is so amazing.
What made you get
into this field of work?
If you don't mind my asking?
I don't know.
Uber went to the house
behind this one on accident.
Fucking idiot.
He said he'd be here
in, like, another 30 seconds.
Well, it was so nice
to finally meet you in person.
Oh, my God, you, too.
When's the big day?
- Um, August.
- Oh...
That's really exciting.
Congratulations.
It was good to see you.
I'm sticking around
for a bit.
Oh, cool.
- Merry Christmas.
- You, too.
Can I just talk to you
by the...
...trouble drinking
a glass of wine in my left hand.
It just always spills...
- and with my right hand...
- Dude, what the fuck?
There was a chip on it.
So, you just smashed it?
- Yeah, I almost cut my lip.
- How we doing?
I think Sam is wearing out
his welcome real fast.
- You have a thick paper bag?
- What?!
Hey, Samer!
Pew pew pew pew pew
pew pew pew pew pew pew.
We're gonna go on an adventure
- if you wanna join.
- Love to.
You are such an asshole.
You know that, right?
You're
listening to Capital Crimes.
The time is currently
11:37 p.m.
with just over two full days
left in the year.
It goes from beautiful
to disgusting almost instantly,
- doesn't it?
- Hm.
If you're just joining us,
we've learned today that
the now-infamous Metro Rail Duo
had been self-proclaimed
best friends
since the sixth grade
until circumstance,
jealousy, and betrayal
led to murder.
It remains to be seen whether
posterity will find them
to be victims or instigators
of the tragic series of events,
but the District Attorney's
office has stated
with confidence that there
were no innocent bystanders.
- That's better.
- This news segment is brought
to you by...
What'd you get?
- Good things.
- Ah.
Oh... that's better.
- It wasn't that bad.
- No, it was great.
You know, just because
he's engaged doesn't mean
- you can't--
- Gross.
Huh. I was gonna say
"doesn't mean you can't
- be friends."
- Mark's not like that.
He's not like that
or you're not like that?
With him?
- Where are we going?
- A coke dealer's house?
It's a surprise.
No good.
"Turn left on to River Road...
and continue for
six-and-one-quarter mile."
Bo Jones! Bo Jones!
I think they're building
a big condo development here.
Yeah.
Only an hour on the metro.
"Turn left
on to unnamed road now."
Have you been here
before, dude?
Yeah.
- How do you know this guy?
- Class.
Hey, holla out back.
- Class?
- Yeah.
What up?
What up, son?
It's okay, baby,
I got you.
What's up, kid?
¶ ¶
I'm not gonna even try.
Hey, I'm Henry.
- All right.
- Margaret.
Sup? Sit down.
Make yourself at home.
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
What do you got there?
So, what are you kids
getting into tonight?
We went to some old,
high school party.
- Fucking sucked!
- Nah, on a break.
I thought school was out?
She's in grad school,
I teach kids.
You teach kids?
What do you teach kids?
- So I hear you're selling acid?
- You know it!
Yeah, how much you need?
Oh, I don't know, um...
four... tabs?
- What's that gonna run us?
- For you?
- Fifty.
- Wicked.
I see Jesus...
coming for you tonight.
You fall down.
Down to Chinatown.
You think it'd be weird
if Mark met us here?
Boom!
¶ ¶
I'm tired.
So, what else can I do for you?
- You got any coke?
- Yeah... I got coke.
¶ ¶
- Like a big girl.
- I am a big girl.
- Yes, you are.
- I'd love to buy a G.
Don't want to take advantage
of your hospitality.
- You kids in New York?
- New York City!
How'd you tell?
- I just did a movie up in BK.
- No way.
Yeah.
I dabble.
- Oh, yeah?
- Mm-hmm.
Hey, Samer,
how you feeling?
Fascist.
Shh. Shh. Shh. Shh.
Yo, Geezy,
where's my movie, bro?
- I accidentally swallowed it.
- You motherfucker.
What's this music?
Russian Brazilian.
It's my cousin.
Where's Russia Brazil?
- Amber Jones?
- Nah.
Got it!
Watch this shit.
Aw, yeah,
just say, "New York City!"
Hey. Hey, what you doing
over there?
Yeah, you.
Get your sexy ass over here.
Oh, you're fucking
kidding me.
- You want this?
- Wow, look at that.
What you gonna do
with that towel there?
Just wait and see.
Showbiz is ruining you, bro.
Good, right?
- Oh, fuck.
- Who's the broad?
That's all me right there.
Nice, right?
The fuck are you laughing at?
- I'm sorry.
- Sorry.
Yeah, because Paris Hilton
was already a Hilton.
I'm saying.
I never heard of her
or the Kardashian girl
before the tapes.
Then they got their own show.
Then they got
their own clothing lines.
Then they get
the fucking yachts.
- He's got a point, Henry.
- You have to be like
a debutante first or something,
man.
- She is a debutante.
- What?
She is a debutante.
Well, this has been
a lot of fun,
but it looks like
it's somebody's bedtime.
- You good?
- Yeah.
Okay,
here are the keys to my car.
- We are calling an Uber.
- Thank you, Jesus.
Love you, too,
baby boy.
I'm sorry.
Oh, no problem,
little guy.
- You'll be all right.
- Yeah.
Okay.
Fascists couldn't
have always been us, Henry.
What's that?
- Let's put on some music.
- Okay.
¶ ¶
¶ ¶
- Good morning.
- Morning.
¶ ¶
No, Mom, the wall's
not meant to stop them,
it's meant to separate them.
You're not hearing me.
It's the symbolism.
¶ ¶
¶ ¶
Fuck.
¶ ¶
¶ ¶
Huh, I guess she didn't like
being upstaged.
Well, I'm just sorry
you bore the brunt of it.
Hmm.
- You know, of my transgressions.
- Ah, your transgressions.
- My sins, if you will.
- I will. I will.
Well, it is just a window,
Maggie.
¶ ¶
- So, what else?
- What?
- What's up?
- Hm? I don't know.
What?
What?
What? What? What? What?
What? What? What?
Nothing.
It's just a weird morning.
Well, vandalism can be
very jarring in my experience.
Oh, shut up, dude.
Shut the fuck up.
- It's not your shitty window.
- Okay, thanks.
No, I just got home
and, uh...
it felt weird for a sec.
"Weird" like dizzy?
Yeah, dude,
weird like dizzy.
¶ ¶
Remember that day Mark
swam in and hugged a dead deer?
Ugh.
It came right apart
in his arms.
It just seemed like
a kid's dream where I was
touching everything
with my big, stupid hands,
but I'm actually
a totally different person.
It's not...
me anymore.
My hands were buzzing
and I kept thinking,
"What is it
that I need right now?
Do I need a coffee?
And I had that thing
where your heart's pounding
in your ears.
- Sure.
- Do I need food or...
to masturbate or take a shit?
Fucking TV...
but everything
just felt so stupid
and arbitrary and I-I didn't
actually want anything,
but I couldn't just stand there.
That would be the worst--
the worst!
Everything felt
hella foreign for a bit.
- Foreign?
- Yeah.
Like taking a shower
or reading a book.
I just felt like doing
human things.
What?
Like a cigarette monkey?
- Yeah, kinda.
- Well, we are, you know?
- Shut up.
- Sorry.
No, it was like...
with the soap.
It was like,
first I wash my right arm,
then my left,
then I brush my hair.
- Yeah?
- Yeah, just like doing shit.
- Oh, you mean like lunchtime?
- Yes!
Money's in my wallet
right here.
- ...on my belt.
- One, two, three, four, five--
Oh, you like me funny?
It was like...
you know, in a night terror,
how there's nothing
holding your soul in your body?
And, like, gravity isn't...
keeping your heart
and your limbs
and your neck together?
I don't know.
In that moment I would've given
anything for it to just be...
over.
So, what'd you do?
I put on my mom's
workout videos.
Keep it up!
Two, three, four, five, six.
And now?
I feel fine.
The accused
claimed to have run
for fear of his life
when the police cruiser
allegedly drove onto the--
- Infinity!
- No!
- Infinity and oblivion!
- I'm not an asshole.
This wasn't just a hangover.
I have had those.
Well, your body's
all you got, baby.
You... are an asshole.
Yeah, I know.
It's like I feel the words
bubbling up and they just
have to go somewhere.
...of a much greater sickness
inside the capitol building.
Or maybe you should try harder
to keep 'em in.
- I mean...
- Novel idea.
...we'll be
speaking with Peter Blaze
long-time daytime idol
and new voice
for the alternative right.
You might know him
as the malevolent neurosurgeon
Stephen Synchat
and later his twin brother...
..."Empty Hospital."
This news segment
is brought to you by Bo Jones
luxury condominiums.
We just went to a friend
of Samer's after the party.
Uh, you know.
We're at Dieter's.
Yeah, dude, it's packed.
I don't know
if you can get a table.
What are you up to?
You registered at Bed Bath--
I kinda thought she'd be
more of a Williams-Sonoma type.
Why don't you register
at, uh...
Union Hardware?
That's where dad goes.
Well, it's your shit, too.
Do you want another beer
or are we cross-spinning later?
Yes, please.
Hey! Hey, hey, hey!
Do you want?
All right, dude,
I gotta go.
You're cramping my game.
'Kay. Bye-bye.
Bar.
Bar.
- Mag!
- What?!
God!
You just made me lose.
- What's up?
- It's Amber Jones.
- Huh?
- Amber Jones!
Sir, can you turn it up
a little, please?
It's pretty loud already.
It's only 2:00.
No, the TV. Could you
turn up the TV, please?
- Sure.
- Thank you.
...the two were
last seen on Friday night
in the parking structure
of one of her father's
many chain restaurants
in Silver Spring, Maryland.
Miss Jones was reportedly
having a heated conversation
on her cell phone.
She was accompanied by
a heavily tattooed white male
between the ages
of about 30 and 50 years old.
Montgomery County Sheriff's
department is asking
anyone with any information
about her whereabouts
to call them
on a special hotline.
That number is 301-725-4927.
Again, 301-725-4927.
And we'll be right back
after this break.
We've got some more frigid
weather ahead.
No.
Call the fucking cops.
- Henry...
- You just saw her last night.
She wasn't even kidnapped.
She's just a nut job.
Now it's gonna
kill our Christmas.
Fucking pigs'll
talk at us forever.
- Henry. Henry!
- Mar, I don't wanna help
a bunch of bullies
find their dicks!
Who said anything
about the cops?
We don't need to call the cops.
We can find her ourselves.
Huh?
I guess it could be
kinda fun.
It's really
a waiting man's game, huh?
Shut up. We've only
been here for an hour.
What if he's not home right now
and we miss our chance
- to get the tape?
- Yes, Henry,
we may be here for a while.
Suck it up.
This isn't a game.
I bet he's just getting up.
Jesus. The disparity between
29 and 31 is fucking staggering.
What sad, sad smiles.
- It's 'cause people lie.
- What's that?
You're 36, you say you're 29.
It's absurd.
You're 36, you say you're 31.
It's a tiny fib.
Yeah, that's the saddest thing
I've heard all day.
- Bingo.
- Oh, nice.
¶ ¶
Person of int...
Shit!
Okay, he saw us.
Let's go.
Why would he know
what car we have?
- That wasn't--
- Don't be stupid.
That was a suspicious
fucking look around.
He's suspicious
or we're suspicious?
We're both suspicious.
¶ ¶
Turn right on to Falls Road.
Oh, God. Get down.
He might see you.
It's okay.
I'm wearing a hat.
Shut up.
¶ ¶
¶ ¶
Someday this will all be his.
- Don't be shitty.
- Sorry.
So,
what do we do now?
Goddamnit!
¶ ¶
- Who's house do you think it is?
- Some dick.
- Jesus!
- Pop the trunk!
Oh, my God.
Fucking kidding me?
Don't open the door!
Oh, I'm sorry!
You want me to climb in
- through the fucking glass?
- Pop the trunk!
Where is it?
There it is!
He turned her into a rug!
- Hey, rich boy!
- Huh?
Let me talk at you a sec.
Scatter!
Go! Go!
Must go faster.
Must go faster!
Oh!
Ooph!
Oh, shit!
For me?
- It was good to see you.
- I'm sticking around for a bit.
Oh, cool.
Just remember
the tasting tomorrow.
- Tasting the cake.
- Right.
9:00 a.m., so just try not
to get too drunk.
- Okay. Bye.
- Bye.
- Call me when you get home.
- Okay.
- I'm in trouble.
- You're in trouble.
You are in big trouble.
Oh, hey.
- Yeah.
- Yeah, well, that's huge.
I guess.
So, was this
percolating last summer?
How are your parents?
Um, they're better.
Or just different.
I don't know.
Have you seen them yet
or did you just have...
Henry pick you up
from the bus?
Oh, you.
So, I guess after that
I gained a little weight.
- Ha!
- You asshole.
Dude, do you have a gun?
So, uh, how long
are you in town for?
- A whole week.
- Shit.
- Yeah.
- What are you gonna do?
I don't know.
Maybe babysit?
Or just, you know...
party.
- Pew! Pew! Pew! Pew! Pew! Pew!
- Oh! Pew! Pew! Pew!
Oh!
Nope!
Bitch already broke that one.
Fucking invincible.
How could our luck
possibly run out?
Oh!
- Outstanding.
- So...
- you gonna call the cops now?
- Fuck the cops.
And say what?
She's just a runaway?
Runaway?
She's like 20 years old.
She's just
a fucking white person.
Ow! Goddamnit!
I don't really know
what you can do other than
pay for my drug dealer's window.
- Ah, nay nay.
- Nay nay nay.
You may think the trail
has run cold and yet...
Oh!
- What have we here?
- What's that?
This is what we in business
call a lead.
A whole box of these
in his car.
- So?
- So maybe they were in business
together trying to turn her
into a star.
So this might be, um--
this is the girl we saw on TV.
Oh.
Have you seen her anywhere else?
Take a good look.
No, I don't think so.
But I'm just gonna call him
and tell him what's going on.
Oh, my God, can we listen
to the CD first?
I don't have a CD player.
All right, party animal.
Get your shoes on.
We're going for a drive.
Let's go. Come on.
- Up and at 'em.
- First right shoe then left.
Let's do it.
Shoes on.
Laces laced. Let's go.
Going for a drive.
Pew! Pew! Pew! Pew! Pew! Pew!
Pew! Pew!
Up you go. Up you go.
Right now. Let's do it.
Cruisin' down the road, bud.
Let's do it. Come on.
Let's start with track
numero uno.
¶ Just walk ¶
- ¶ Away ¶
- Hm.
¶ ¶
¶ Just walk away ¶
¶ ¶
¶ Give me your heart ¶
¶ Your body ¶
Shut up. Shut up. Shut up.
There might be a clue.
¶ Your mind
and your whole soul ¶
¶ And I'll spare your life ¶
¶ Give you safe passage ¶
¶ Just walk away ¶
¶ ¶
¶ Just walk away ¶
I don't think
she has a classical background.
Oh, that's the saddest.
It's not that bad.
Do they get younger here?
"Just walk away.
Just walk away.
Give me your heart,
your body, your mind,
and your whole soul
and I'll spare your life.
Give you safe passage.
Just walk away."
- Maybe it's abstract.
- It's road warrior.
It's got an address.
Puts her address on the CD?
You are so stupid.
"Little Diva Records.
5900 Addison Road
Capitol Heights, Maryland."
Capitol Heights?
Where's that?
It's the other side of D.C.
- Who's winning?
- Stripes.
Well, what do you say
we pay the folks
at Little Diva Records
a visit
and rustle some feathers?
Capitol idea.
Goddammit, Iko!
- Fuck it!
- Get the fuck out!
- Go!
- All right!
What did I do?
- What did I do?
- What'd he do?
- Fuck you.
- What?
I said "fuck you," bitch.
- Jesus.
- Yeah, I'm shutting down early.
I swear to God it's the last
time I serve Iko.
He's done!
- Phillip.
- Huh?
- Phillip Killian.
- Who the fuck are you?
I used to babysit you, dude.
I helped you poo.
Who the fuck wears a visor?
Dude, what happened
to you, Phillip?
"The Giving Tree"?
We used to cry together
reading "The Giving Tree."
- I'm kicking everyone out.
- Let it go.
- Whatever.
- Oh, my God.
Are you fucking kidding me?
What the fuck happened to you?
You were so sweet.
Come on.
- What happened?
- What did I do?
You did something.
Your parents were
the fucking best, little dude.
How could you talk
to a stranger like that?
She really babysit you,
bro?
The name
sounded eerily familiar,
but he was only four years old
back then.
You still got her number?
That exchange
would stick with him,
but he'd never tell a soul.
She was hot.
Why'd you let her leave?
Next up we
speak with the poet activist
Alex Glock about his new series
Bully to Us.
Mr. Glock said in an interview
last week, and I quote...
Did you think that was
Disneyland when you were a kid?
Yeah.
¶ ¶
Yeah, I mean, I'm not gonna
literally die from boredom.
I mean, it could be worse.
I get to work with my dad.
Yeah, I'll bet he likes
that a lot, too.
- Don't make it gay.
- Ah...
- The safety's off, man.
- What?!
- Ooh, good catch.
- Uh-huh.
So,
when do you guys open again?
Uh, we were open today.
- Oh, no.
- Yup, school's over.
Fuck you.
So, I would love to hang out
while I'm down.
Yeah, maybe we can do it
in the parking lot again.
Pew.
Dude, what the fuck?
¶ ¶
Capitol Heights.
12:00 p.m.
The habitation
of the record executive
was offset
by a self-storage site.
Never a good sign.
My partner was, once again,
having difficulty
with the latch on her door.
She'd clearly had
one too many the night before.
Are you really
gonna bring that in with you?
Disarming.
Oh! How's that so hot?
Let me take the lead
on this one, okay?
- The place was a real dump.
- Stop it.
Uh, hello?
Yeah, who's this?
- Oh, my God.
- We're here about Amber Jones.
- Please.
- Get your game face on.
Down here!
Down here!
Hi.
Hey.
Hey.
Have a seat.
How can I help you?
How's it going, man?
I'm good.
Thanks.
What can I do for you guys?
Shit. Sorry.
Sorry. Sorry. Sorry.
Um, we were planning
a concert at UDC
and we were wondering
if Amber Jones
might be available
to perform?
Uh, February 17th.
Who?
Amber Jones.
Yeah, you mentioned that name
on the intercom.
We don't--I don't record
anyone by that name.
This is Diva Records, right?
- Little Diva.
- We must have the wrong studio.
Where did you get that?
- The store.
- From our friends.
Where'd that bitch go?
You guys fucked up.
Shit.
Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!
Whoa!
- Safety!
- What?
Safety on the inside...
Your face!
I will shoot your fucking face!
Get down!
Down now!
- Hey, dick hole!
- Okay.
Okay.
Come on. Come on.
Come on.
Jesus!
- Screw this!
- Sorry! Come on!
- Holy shit. Holy shit.
- Fuck.
Holy shit. Holy shit.
Holy shit.
Holy shit!
Oh! Okay! Okay.
Oh, my God!
Okay! We're okay.
You're okay?
You're okay.
Okay.
Okay. Okay.
Okay. We're okay.
Okay.
I'm okay. I'm okay.
We're okay.
¶ ¶
Hey.
Hey, Margaret.
Margaret!
What?
May I see some identification,
please?
Oh, you.
Well, that was new.
¶ ¶
You okay?
Never been better.
Let's go.
¶ ¶
That same rash
around their eyes.
Pink eye?
Didn't strike me as the types
- to wash their hands every time.
- What would you do
if you were 100 pounds
up against those two Blutos.
What? Mace?
Let's go back to Russian's.
I think I got it.
Yes, ma'am.
What if he sees the car
this time?
Apologize for the window.
Try to make a purchase
to smooth things over.
He's involved?
He wouldn't have shown us
a video of her
sucking his dick.
Probably just fucking her.
Poor bastard.
Okay, so who's dumb enough
to record an album
with somebody
then kidnap them afterward?
When Mark got maced at
Homecoming it only looked
that bad for a couple of hours.
- Right.
- She went missing on Friday,
but I saw her running around
three days ago.
So where's she been?
She's not... kidnapped.
She's not tied up.
I think we just missed her
at Little Diva.
Something tells me
she ain't got a lot of friends.
Okay, so she's held up
at a record studio
wasting police time and money
in the middle of nowhere.
What's the fight over?
Last seen yelling on the phone
at her daddy's business.
- It's money.
- You're kidding me.
- A ransom?
- Look at that.
Fucking awesome.
I'm sorry to say
I think it's time to make
that anonymous call.
Russian's probably got
enough coke in there
to put him away.
We're not doing that.
Let's see where she goes.
Fucking douche face.
Faced--Fucking shithole!
You still see her?
Just up here.
Sorry.
Should I get a condom?
I don't fucking know.
I haven't exactly
been giving them away.
I'm saying
that you produced four boxes
of worthless pieces of plastic
that nobody wants for free.
That's not my problem.
No.
No, you're the one that promised
that you could deliver
on Wale.
Oh, yeah. Okay.
Oh, yeah, I bet you just wanted
half of my dad's money.
Why are you even
getting a cut anyway?
I mean,
all you did was fucking...
let me hide
in your bullshit studio.
What are you doing?
Yeah, well, you can bill me
for the Visine, douche face.
- Run if it gets messy.
- Messy?!
Russian's, but you won't
find it there, so don't try--
I don't know
who the fuck they were!
Maybe they were just
trying to book me!
- Ever think of that?!
- Hey.
- Phone call's over.
- What?
You heard me.
Hang it up.
Don't--
Don't point a gun at me, bitch.
It's over.
Let's go.
Now.
You don't know
who you're fucking with.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Have we met?
Get in the potty, bitch.
Lock it.
Come on!
What the fuck are you doing?
You did it!
Are you fucking kidding me?
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God!
Go! Go! Go!
9-1-1.
9-1-1.
Please state your emergency.
Amber Jones appears to be locked
in a Porta Potty
on Connecticut and--
All right.
Oh, my God!
- Money!
- No, it's not ours!
I wanna drive!
- Oh, shit!
- Hey, guys.
- Hey.
- Hi!
- What's shaking?
- God!
- It's not funny.
- We love you, but we gotta run.
Love you, too.
I'd stay in tonight.
Okay, bye!
Cracked it wide fucking open.
- Keeping it.
- So, I wouldn't use the word
"heroes," but I just did,
so...
- Huh.
- Your turn.
That sounds really dangerous.
Oh,
I'm sure it does.
So, let's hear it.
You're a hero, Margaret.
There it is.
So, what's your plan tonight?
Oh, we're celebrating.
I don't know if I mentioned,
but that case,
it's fucking closed.
So we found some fancy champagne
in the basement.
Did you hear that?
That was fucking perfect.
What is going on?
- What?
- What?
- Hmm?
- Um, so, are you...
- going out or...?
- Yeah, we took that acid
we bought from Sam's friend
like 20 minutes ago
so...
Sorry, how long have we
been on the phone for just now?
I don't know.
40 seconds?
Oh, thank God.
That's what I thought.
Well, it'd be great
to see you before you leave.
I would love to!
You wanna talk tomorrow?
I might be a little slow.
Um...
what are you up to tonight?
Oh, everything.
We're hitting all the clubs.
We're going to Aspen Hill
in our parents' finest attire.
- Aspen Hill?
- It's up and coming!
Oh did I not mention
that we're invincible now?
- I didn't hear that part.
- Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
So, we are now
and that's kinda our new thing.
Yeah, I'm thinking about
pulling the plug
on this whole thing.
¶ As you are my guy ¶
¶ ¶
¶ You are... ¶
I'm sorry.
Yes?
Hey, Henry.
Hey, Marky Mark.
What are you doing?
Ah, nothing.
I'm--I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm being--I'm being rude.
No!
Okay, Marky Mark.
Marky Mark. Marky Mark.
Bye bye!
Bye bye, Marky Mark.
Bye bye.
Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God.
Why? Why? Why? Why? Why?
Why? Why? Why? Why?
Why do you have this?
Why? Why? Why?
- No!
- Why do you have this? Why? Why?
¶ ¶
Do I savor Christmas cards?
Dummy.
Do you save
your Christmas cards?
Ah, well, yeah, but they do
eventually find their way
into the trash.
So, well... no?
Oh, fuck.
- No. No. No. No.
- Fuck!
Fuck!
You'll have to get
that tail light fixed.
You're gonna
keep getting these.
Oh, nuts.
You are aware that
it's cold outside, yeah?
- Yes, sir.
- Okay.
Well, I don't want you
driving on the street anymore
in this neighborhood.
I want you to go home...
and get an Uber.
Yes, Officer.
Merry Christmas.
Yeah, shut up.
Shut up. Shut up.
Look at you.
Fucking awesome.
- We love you.
- Model citizen, everyone.
You love you
and I love you.
You and are I
are so proud of you.
¶ Go ¶
¶ To sleep ¶
¶ ¶
¶ Make ¶
¶ Time for a dream ¶
¶ ¶
¶ Go ¶
¶ On my own ¶
I said,
"We're having a celebration."
Do you hear a--
a celebration
and we'd be much obliged--
much obliged indeed,
if you would give us
two dirty, gin martinis.
One that's on the rocks
and the other one...
that isn't on the rocks.
That's off the rocks.
That has no rocks.
Thank you so much.
Thank you.
¶ Go to sleep ¶
¶ ¶
Ohhhh, I'm sorry.
I didn't know we could
only drink your whiskey.
You didn't strike me
as the jealous type.
You're outta here.
Go. Go.
- Oh, we will.
- Oh, we will!
We're taking our business
to Maryland because...
- Gotta go.
- You, sir, are far from--
I left my card inside.
Do you mind if I
go in real fast?
One second?
- Two minutes.
- Thank you. Hold this.
¶ ¶
¶ In my arms ¶
¶ We will go ¶
The Air and Space Museum
is fantastic.
Whoa! Hey, buddy!
Jesus.
He came early.
The Easter Bunny
came early.
¶ They will find ¶
¶ The light ¶
¶ ¶
- We're here!
- Don't worry. We're here.
Everyone can rest easy.
We've got it all under control.
Swell digs to ring in
the New Year.
Ooh, darts.
I'm gonna eat 'em.
¶ Take time for a dream ¶
¶ ¶
We would like another
round of martinis, please.
- We're celebrating.
- Yes, we're heroes.
Speaking of which,
do you mind if we watch
the local news?
We're fans.
Ooh,
just in the nick of time.
Thank you.
We'll be back in a moment
with more on that
and also the weather forecast,
but first we have
some breaking news.
- Oh! Shh! It's on!
- In an unusual turn of events,
Amber Jones has been rescued
by Montgomery County Sheriffs.
¶ ¶
She was trapped
in the bathroom
of a gas station near I-495--
What?!
That's not what happened!
We served her up on a
silver platter and they blew it.
Oh, my God.
What'd I say?
Five foot
of Johnny Law don't know
- a prized ham from a turkey.
- That's--Shut up.
...more as this
story develops.
- Oh, my God.
- After this.
Well, we did our jobs.
We can't speak for them.
What'd we do?
Seriously.
What'd we actually do?
...exhausting
all resources to find
the whereabouts of
her three-month-old child.
She has a daughter?
Yeah, they said it
today. It's terrible.
Ugh, gross.
Wait, what?
¶ ¶
She would've said--
¶ ¶
9-1-1.
Please state your emergency.
Uh, Amber Jones' baby Joy,
she's in a drainage pipe
- in Kensington.
- No, she would've told--
Shut up. She's crazy.
- What is your current location?
- There's no time.
It's freezing outside.
Please, just go now.
- Oh, no.
- All right.
- Where is this drainage pipe?
- It's uh...
It's behind Russian's.
It's off Connecticut
in the woods behind...
- How many miles? How many miles?
- Henry!
- It's only a mile away.
- Goddamnit. Goddamnit.
- We have to go. Now.
- Shit.
¶ ¶
Oh, no.
Shhh...
Oh, shhh...
Joy!
- Joy!
- Where is she?
- Where is she?
- Joy!
- Joy!
- Joy!
- Joy!
- Joy! Joy!
Joy!
We lost the baby.
¶ ¶
Where is she? Where is she?
Joy!
Mar!
What?
The baby.
Where'd you find Joy?
How you know my baby's name?
Oh!
Oh, come on!
We were just having a talk
about our money.
Ugh,
your money's all over there.
What did you say?
Your money,
it's all back there.
There's a whole
fucking bag of it,
you fucking peasant.
- When did you find Joy?
- What?
Is she cold?
Can I hold her?
Hey!
- Hey--
- Hey! Hey!
Hey...
Okay...
Okay.
Show me where it is.
- The kid can stay. Come on.
- Thank you.
- Let's go.
- No.
Let's go!
No.
Fuck!
Get in the house.
Get back inside!
- Get back in--Get--
- Help!
- Get back in--
- Help!
Fuck!
Everyone, put your hands
above your head.
Put your hands above your head!
Drop your weapon
or we will open fire.
Requesting back up.
We got a full house here.
Okay,
we have 482 coming out there.
Uh,
I'm gonna go to the bathroom.
You guys be cool.
Is the baby inside?
Remain silent.
Trust me.
Hey...
I'm surprised you still
have those on.
Probably didn't know
we could do that, did you?
Well...
there's clearly been
some kind of misunderstanding
that put you at the same house
with a kidnapped child.
I'd love to clear this up
and send you home.
So, let's have it.
What are you doing?
Hm.
Well, listen, I'd hate to have
to lock you up for the night.
You know, this isn't a nice
place for a girl like you
to stay on New Year's.
Now, maybe if you gave me
a little something
to work with,
I could give you a ride home.
We could start
fresh again in the morning.
Well, Margaret...
seeing that you're remaining
silent only leads me to believe
you're behind
this whole thing...
like your boyfriend Henry said.
And I wish I could help you.
You seem like a good kid...
but it's getting late.
Guess we'll just have to wait
till tomorrow
when the court opens
to charge you with
suspicion of kidnapping.
Which I don't have to tell you
is a very serious crime.
You can use your phone
for a sec.
You should probably
call home.
Who is that?
It's one of my idiot friends.
Sorry, he didn't pick up.
I want my phone call!
I need to call my mother!
Hey!
I gotta get back to the party.
Fuck!
It's almost four.
I gotta get back to the party!
I left my dick at the party!
I have to go back
to get my dick!
My dick is at a party!
What do you call
a cow masturbating?
- What?
- Beef stroganoff.
¶ ¶
Oh, gracias.
Margaret Rockland,
your buddy's lawyer
wants to see you.
¶ ¶
Yeah, we really lucked out.
We have to come back
in a while and testify
which actually
could be kinda fun.
We just have to tap dance
around self-incrimination
and say citizen's arrest
like three times.
Yeah, assault
and obstruction of justice
would be a real shame.
As would possession
of an illegal firearm
and criminal abduction.
- Allegedly speaking.
- Ah, so, uh...
remaining silent is actually
pretty good advice then, huh?
That's what I hear.
So, uh...
what about the Russian?
His name's Russian.
I'm not sure
he's actually Russian.
Uh, he's fine.
He got home,
saw his missing kid,
and thought, "I should probably
move all my shit."
You should probably
move your shit.
Okay, so he packs up
all his stuff
and leaves it at a friend's,
no intent to sell,
then what?
He got back
a couple hours later
to call the police
about the kid only to find
Amber's recording partners
there waiting for him.
- Hey.
- And, so, if you had remembered
to hang up the police call...
They couldn't have tracked it.
And so...
Dirt nap.
- Holy shit.
- Yup.
Are you fucking with me
right now?
Nope.
Shit.
Okay, so...
so this girl self-kidnaps,
she has her business partners
order a ransom
her dad drops a bag of money
off a bridge or something--
like in a fricken movie.
Once they got it,
she maces them both--
I'm assuming while the kid's
in the room...
um... leaves the kid
at her baby daddy house...
who's a drug dealer--
Well, I think she was
only planning on
leaving her there
for a second.
So, then...
she... calls him up
to, uh...
apologize or--
or renegotiate
or whatever and she tells them
where she is
thinking they won't
come after her.
Hey...
phone call's over.
Well, in her defense,
I don't think she had
much of a master plan.
Well, I would say...
destructively irresponsible,
but, um...
I guess, uh, short-sighted
is a more opportune word.
Yeah.
It's kinda going around
this season, huh?
Yeah, I guess so.
Kinda disappointing,
you know?
Yeah, yeah,
I'm sorry, Maggie.
I just...
miss...
I just keep waiting for an
adult to show up and take over,
but it's still just...
me.
You know, we could talk about
actual shit.
I guess I miss that
more than anything.
Yeah, well,
I'm not dead, dude.
Yeah, I-I know.
So, how's the office?
Dad's, uh...
getting real old, man.
Yeah, that might be
the worst part.
You know, it's just
we can't fuck anymore.
It's not a death sentence.
Yeah, I know.
¶ ¶
Um...
I gotta go back inside.
I didn't, uh...
bring a coat out with me.
Love you, Maggie.
I love you, too, Marky.
Then why don't you
marry him?
That was in poor taste.
I'm sorry.
Dude,
why are you still Tindering?
- We're leaving town.
- I know, right?
What are you gonna do,
jump off the bus?
- You never know.
- You never know what?
You never can be quite sure.
¶ ¶
Some argue that by this point
in the administration, his
lucidity was so far impaired
that he could only comprehend
what was directly
in front of him
like a goldfish or a bumblebee.
It wasn't to say that
his intentions were malicious
so much as ungrasping
of the scenario in its whole.
Next up, we'll be
listening to an interview
from earlier today with the DJ
that we all love to hate,
Jonathan Sears.
¶ ¶
Hey.
We live...
in New York.
¶ ¶
¶ ¶
¶ ¶
¶ Just walk away ¶
¶ ¶
¶ Just walk away ¶
¶ ¶
¶ Give me your heart,
your body ¶
¶ Your mind
and your whole soul ¶
¶ And I'll spare your life ¶
¶ Give you safe passage ¶
¶ Just walk ¶
¶ Away ¶
¶ ¶
¶ Just walk ¶
¶ Away ¶
¶ ¶
¶ Just walk ¶
¶ Just walk ¶
¶ Just walk away ¶
¶ Just walk away,
¶ Yeah ¶
¶ ¶
¶ Waited for the cold ¶
¶ ¶
¶ And I can't ¶
¶ Forget when we were ¶
¶ Small ¶
¶ ¶
¶ Waited for ¶
¶ The cold to come ¶
¶ ¶
¶ Breathing through the weak ¶
¶ And it came out strong ¶
¶ ¶
¶ Waited for the cold ¶
¶ To come ¶
¶ ¶
¶ Can't believe I'm waiting ¶
¶ Wanting for more ¶
¶ ¶
¶ And I can't ¶
¶ Leave you now ¶
¶ And I can't ¶
¶ Breathe out ¶
¶ And I won't ¶
¶ Ask for more ¶
¶ ¶
¶ When you go now ¶
¶ Don't make boy mad ¶
¶ And we won't talk about ¶
¶ What went wrong ¶
¶ ¶
We hadn't seen
Margaret or Henry
since Fourth of July
when Mark got the keys
to the Athletic Building
and we flew like kids
for a night.
I think that's where
it all ended, but...
they had no idea.
This is to cheating death
by a near-miss.
Those heart thumps...
leading to a kiss.
Wish it could stay like this.
Guess it's good-bye
to sex in parks,
running from cops,
cigs on rooftops,
skipping school,
and stolen swimming pools.
Stoned, sweaty nights,
bar fights,
drunken bliss.
Wish it could stay like this.
Yeah, she's always
around the noise, totally chill.
Who are we talking about here?
I think the two of 'em
really clicked during pregnancy.
I can see that, man.
Good job.
I'm pissing
my fucking pants, dude!
Thanks, brother.
What's her class this year?
- Third grade.
- Nice.
Oh, yeah, great age!
Oh, fuck.
I-I'm sorry, man.
You're so lucky.
Oh, my gosh.
Like, Waters is talking about
the--the, like,
the fascists
inside of all of us.
Huh, are Margo
and Henry on acid, too?
It's a two-year program
that most of the second year
is spent at the women's clinic.
Wow, that is so amazing.
What made you get
into this field of work?
If you don't mind my asking?
I don't know.
Uber went to the house
behind this one on accident.
Fucking idiot.
He said he'd be here
in, like, another 30 seconds.
Well, it was so nice
to finally meet you in person.
Oh, my God, you, too.
When's the big day?
- Um, August.
- Oh...
That's really exciting.
Congratulations.
It was good to see you.
I'm sticking around
for a bit.
Oh, cool.
- Merry Christmas.
- You, too.
Can I just talk to you
by the...
...trouble drinking
a glass of wine in my left hand.
It just always spills...
- and with my right hand...
- Dude, what the fuck?
There was a chip on it.
So, you just smashed it?
- Yeah, I almost cut my lip.
- How we doing?
I think Sam is wearing out
his welcome real fast.
- You have a thick paper bag?
- What?!
Hey, Samer!
Pew pew pew pew pew
pew pew pew pew pew pew.
We're gonna go on an adventure
- if you wanna join.
- Love to.
You are such an asshole.
You know that, right?
You're
listening to Capital Crimes.
The time is currently
11:37 p.m.
with just over two full days
left in the year.
It goes from beautiful
to disgusting almost instantly,
- doesn't it?
- Hm.
If you're just joining us,
we've learned today that
the now-infamous Metro Rail Duo
had been self-proclaimed
best friends
since the sixth grade
until circumstance,
jealousy, and betrayal
led to murder.
It remains to be seen whether
posterity will find them
to be victims or instigators
of the tragic series of events,
but the District Attorney's
office has stated
with confidence that there
were no innocent bystanders.
- That's better.
- This news segment is brought
to you by...
What'd you get?
- Good things.
- Ah.
Oh... that's better.
- It wasn't that bad.
- No, it was great.
You know, just because
he's engaged doesn't mean
- you can't--
- Gross.
Huh. I was gonna say
"doesn't mean you can't
- be friends."
- Mark's not like that.
He's not like that
or you're not like that?
With him?
- Where are we going?
- A coke dealer's house?
It's a surprise.
No good.
"Turn left on to River Road...
and continue for
six-and-one-quarter mile."
Bo Jones! Bo Jones!
I think they're building
a big condo development here.
Yeah.
Only an hour on the metro.
"Turn left
on to unnamed road now."
Have you been here
before, dude?
Yeah.
- How do you know this guy?
- Class.
Hey, holla out back.
- Class?
- Yeah.
What up?
What up, son?
It's okay, baby,
I got you.
What's up, kid?
¶ ¶
I'm not gonna even try.
Hey, I'm Henry.
- All right.
- Margaret.
Sup? Sit down.
Make yourself at home.
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
What do you got there?
So, what are you kids
getting into tonight?
We went to some old,
high school party.
- Fucking sucked!
- Nah, on a break.
I thought school was out?
She's in grad school,
I teach kids.
You teach kids?
What do you teach kids?
- So I hear you're selling acid?
- You know it!
Yeah, how much you need?
Oh, I don't know, um...
four... tabs?
- What's that gonna run us?
- For you?
- Fifty.
- Wicked.
I see Jesus...
coming for you tonight.
You fall down.
Down to Chinatown.
You think it'd be weird
if Mark met us here?
Boom!
¶ ¶
I'm tired.
So, what else can I do for you?
- You got any coke?
- Yeah... I got coke.
¶ ¶
- Like a big girl.
- I am a big girl.
- Yes, you are.
- I'd love to buy a G.
Don't want to take advantage
of your hospitality.
- You kids in New York?
- New York City!
How'd you tell?
- I just did a movie up in BK.
- No way.
Yeah.
I dabble.
- Oh, yeah?
- Mm-hmm.
Hey, Samer,
how you feeling?
Fascist.
Shh. Shh. Shh. Shh.
Yo, Geezy,
where's my movie, bro?
- I accidentally swallowed it.
- You motherfucker.
What's this music?
Russian Brazilian.
It's my cousin.
Where's Russia Brazil?
- Amber Jones?
- Nah.
Got it!
Watch this shit.
Aw, yeah,
just say, "New York City!"
Hey. Hey, what you doing
over there?
Yeah, you.
Get your sexy ass over here.
Oh, you're fucking
kidding me.
- You want this?
- Wow, look at that.
What you gonna do
with that towel there?
Just wait and see.
Showbiz is ruining you, bro.
Good, right?
- Oh, fuck.
- Who's the broad?
That's all me right there.
Nice, right?
The fuck are you laughing at?
- I'm sorry.
- Sorry.
Yeah, because Paris Hilton
was already a Hilton.
I'm saying.
I never heard of her
or the Kardashian girl
before the tapes.
Then they got their own show.
Then they got
their own clothing lines.
Then they get
the fucking yachts.
- He's got a point, Henry.
- You have to be like
a debutante first or something,
man.
- She is a debutante.
- What?
She is a debutante.
Well, this has been
a lot of fun,
but it looks like
it's somebody's bedtime.
- You good?
- Yeah.
Okay,
here are the keys to my car.
- We are calling an Uber.
- Thank you, Jesus.
Love you, too,
baby boy.
I'm sorry.
Oh, no problem,
little guy.
- You'll be all right.
- Yeah.
Okay.
Fascists couldn't
have always been us, Henry.
What's that?
- Let's put on some music.
- Okay.
¶ ¶
¶ ¶
- Good morning.
- Morning.
¶ ¶
No, Mom, the wall's
not meant to stop them,
it's meant to separate them.
You're not hearing me.
It's the symbolism.
¶ ¶
¶ ¶
Fuck.
¶ ¶
¶ ¶
Huh, I guess she didn't like
being upstaged.
Well, I'm just sorry
you bore the brunt of it.
Hmm.
- You know, of my transgressions.
- Ah, your transgressions.
- My sins, if you will.
- I will. I will.
Well, it is just a window,
Maggie.
¶ ¶
- So, what else?
- What?
- What's up?
- Hm? I don't know.
What?
What?
What? What? What? What?
What? What? What?
Nothing.
It's just a weird morning.
Well, vandalism can be
very jarring in my experience.
Oh, shut up, dude.
Shut the fuck up.
- It's not your shitty window.
- Okay, thanks.
No, I just got home
and, uh...
it felt weird for a sec.
"Weird" like dizzy?
Yeah, dude,
weird like dizzy.
¶ ¶
Remember that day Mark
swam in and hugged a dead deer?
Ugh.
It came right apart
in his arms.
It just seemed like
a kid's dream where I was
touching everything
with my big, stupid hands,
but I'm actually
a totally different person.
It's not...
me anymore.
My hands were buzzing
and I kept thinking,
"What is it
that I need right now?
Do I need a coffee?
And I had that thing
where your heart's pounding
in your ears.
- Sure.
- Do I need food or...
to masturbate or take a shit?
Fucking TV...
but everything
just felt so stupid
and arbitrary and I-I didn't
actually want anything,
but I couldn't just stand there.
That would be the worst--
the worst!
Everything felt
hella foreign for a bit.
- Foreign?
- Yeah.
Like taking a shower
or reading a book.
I just felt like doing
human things.
What?
Like a cigarette monkey?
- Yeah, kinda.
- Well, we are, you know?
- Shut up.
- Sorry.
No, it was like...
with the soap.
It was like,
first I wash my right arm,
then my left,
then I brush my hair.
- Yeah?
- Yeah, just like doing shit.
- Oh, you mean like lunchtime?
- Yes!
Money's in my wallet
right here.
- ...on my belt.
- One, two, three, four, five--
Oh, you like me funny?
It was like...
you know, in a night terror,
how there's nothing
holding your soul in your body?
And, like, gravity isn't...
keeping your heart
and your limbs
and your neck together?
I don't know.
In that moment I would've given
anything for it to just be...
over.
So, what'd you do?
I put on my mom's
workout videos.
Keep it up!
Two, three, four, five, six.
And now?
I feel fine.
The accused
claimed to have run
for fear of his life
when the police cruiser
allegedly drove onto the--
- Infinity!
- No!
- Infinity and oblivion!
- I'm not an asshole.
This wasn't just a hangover.
I have had those.
Well, your body's
all you got, baby.
You... are an asshole.
Yeah, I know.
It's like I feel the words
bubbling up and they just
have to go somewhere.
...of a much greater sickness
inside the capitol building.
Or maybe you should try harder
to keep 'em in.
- I mean...
- Novel idea.
...we'll be
speaking with Peter Blaze
long-time daytime idol
and new voice
for the alternative right.
You might know him
as the malevolent neurosurgeon
Stephen Synchat
and later his twin brother...
..."Empty Hospital."
This news segment
is brought to you by Bo Jones
luxury condominiums.
We just went to a friend
of Samer's after the party.
Uh, you know.
We're at Dieter's.
Yeah, dude, it's packed.
I don't know
if you can get a table.
What are you up to?
You registered at Bed Bath--
I kinda thought she'd be
more of a Williams-Sonoma type.
Why don't you register
at, uh...
Union Hardware?
That's where dad goes.
Well, it's your shit, too.
Do you want another beer
or are we cross-spinning later?
Yes, please.
Hey! Hey, hey, hey!
Do you want?
All right, dude,
I gotta go.
You're cramping my game.
'Kay. Bye-bye.
Bar.
Bar.
- Mag!
- What?!
God!
You just made me lose.
- What's up?
- It's Amber Jones.
- Huh?
- Amber Jones!
Sir, can you turn it up
a little, please?
It's pretty loud already.
It's only 2:00.
No, the TV. Could you
turn up the TV, please?
- Sure.
- Thank you.
...the two were
last seen on Friday night
in the parking structure
of one of her father's
many chain restaurants
in Silver Spring, Maryland.
Miss Jones was reportedly
having a heated conversation
on her cell phone.
She was accompanied by
a heavily tattooed white male
between the ages
of about 30 and 50 years old.
Montgomery County Sheriff's
department is asking
anyone with any information
about her whereabouts
to call them
on a special hotline.
That number is 301-725-4927.
Again, 301-725-4927.
And we'll be right back
after this break.
We've got some more frigid
weather ahead.
No.
Call the fucking cops.
- Henry...
- You just saw her last night.
She wasn't even kidnapped.
She's just a nut job.
Now it's gonna
kill our Christmas.
Fucking pigs'll
talk at us forever.
- Henry. Henry!
- Mar, I don't wanna help
a bunch of bullies
find their dicks!
Who said anything
about the cops?
We don't need to call the cops.
We can find her ourselves.
Huh?
I guess it could be
kinda fun.
It's really
a waiting man's game, huh?
Shut up. We've only
been here for an hour.
What if he's not home right now
and we miss our chance
- to get the tape?
- Yes, Henry,
we may be here for a while.
Suck it up.
This isn't a game.
I bet he's just getting up.
Jesus. The disparity between
29 and 31 is fucking staggering.
What sad, sad smiles.
- It's 'cause people lie.
- What's that?
You're 36, you say you're 29.
It's absurd.
You're 36, you say you're 31.
It's a tiny fib.
Yeah, that's the saddest thing
I've heard all day.
- Bingo.
- Oh, nice.
¶ ¶
Person of int...
Shit!
Okay, he saw us.
Let's go.
Why would he know
what car we have?
- That wasn't--
- Don't be stupid.
That was a suspicious
fucking look around.
He's suspicious
or we're suspicious?
We're both suspicious.
¶ ¶
Turn right on to Falls Road.
Oh, God. Get down.
He might see you.
It's okay.
I'm wearing a hat.
Shut up.
¶ ¶
¶ ¶
Someday this will all be his.
- Don't be shitty.
- Sorry.
So,
what do we do now?
Goddamnit!
¶ ¶
- Who's house do you think it is?
- Some dick.
- Jesus!
- Pop the trunk!
Oh, my God.
Fucking kidding me?
Don't open the door!
Oh, I'm sorry!
You want me to climb in
- through the fucking glass?
- Pop the trunk!
Where is it?
There it is!
He turned her into a rug!
- Hey, rich boy!
- Huh?
Let me talk at you a sec.
Scatter!
Go! Go!
Must go faster.
Must go faster!
Oh!
Ooph!
Oh, shit!
For me?
- It was good to see you.
- I'm sticking around for a bit.
Oh, cool.
Just remember
the tasting tomorrow.
- Tasting the cake.
- Right.
9:00 a.m., so just try not
to get too drunk.
- Okay. Bye.
- Bye.
- Call me when you get home.
- Okay.
- I'm in trouble.
- You're in trouble.
You are in big trouble.
Oh, hey.
- Yeah.
- Yeah, well, that's huge.
I guess.
So, was this
percolating last summer?
How are your parents?
Um, they're better.
Or just different.
I don't know.
Have you seen them yet
or did you just have...
Henry pick you up
from the bus?
Oh, you.
So, I guess after that
I gained a little weight.
- Ha!
- You asshole.
Dude, do you have a gun?
So, uh, how long
are you in town for?
- A whole week.
- Shit.
- Yeah.
- What are you gonna do?
I don't know.
Maybe babysit?
Or just, you know...
party.
- Pew! Pew! Pew! Pew! Pew! Pew!
- Oh! Pew! Pew! Pew!
Oh!
Nope!
Bitch already broke that one.
Fucking invincible.
How could our luck
possibly run out?
Oh!
- Outstanding.
- So...
- you gonna call the cops now?
- Fuck the cops.
And say what?
She's just a runaway?
Runaway?
She's like 20 years old.
She's just
a fucking white person.
Ow! Goddamnit!
I don't really know
what you can do other than
pay for my drug dealer's window.
- Ah, nay nay.
- Nay nay nay.
You may think the trail
has run cold and yet...
Oh!
- What have we here?
- What's that?
This is what we in business
call a lead.
A whole box of these
in his car.
- So?
- So maybe they were in business
together trying to turn her
into a star.
So this might be, um--
this is the girl we saw on TV.
Oh.
Have you seen her anywhere else?
Take a good look.
No, I don't think so.
But I'm just gonna call him
and tell him what's going on.
Oh, my God, can we listen
to the CD first?
I don't have a CD player.
All right, party animal.
Get your shoes on.
We're going for a drive.
Let's go. Come on.
- Up and at 'em.
- First right shoe then left.
Let's do it.
Shoes on.
Laces laced. Let's go.
Going for a drive.
Pew! Pew! Pew! Pew! Pew! Pew!
Pew! Pew!
Up you go. Up you go.
Right now. Let's do it.
Cruisin' down the road, bud.
Let's do it. Come on.
Let's start with track
numero uno.
¶ Just walk ¶
- ¶ Away ¶
- Hm.
¶ ¶
¶ Just walk away ¶
¶ ¶
¶ Give me your heart ¶
¶ Your body ¶
Shut up. Shut up. Shut up.
There might be a clue.
¶ Your mind
and your whole soul ¶
¶ And I'll spare your life ¶
¶ Give you safe passage ¶
¶ Just walk away ¶
¶ ¶
¶ Just walk away ¶
I don't think
she has a classical background.
Oh, that's the saddest.
It's not that bad.
Do they get younger here?
"Just walk away.
Just walk away.
Give me your heart,
your body, your mind,
and your whole soul
and I'll spare your life.
Give you safe passage.
Just walk away."
- Maybe it's abstract.
- It's road warrior.
It's got an address.
Puts her address on the CD?
You are so stupid.
"Little Diva Records.
5900 Addison Road
Capitol Heights, Maryland."
Capitol Heights?
Where's that?
It's the other side of D.C.
- Who's winning?
- Stripes.
Well, what do you say
we pay the folks
at Little Diva Records
a visit
and rustle some feathers?
Capitol idea.
Goddammit, Iko!
- Fuck it!
- Get the fuck out!
- Go!
- All right!
What did I do?
- What did I do?
- What'd he do?
- Fuck you.
- What?
I said "fuck you," bitch.
- Jesus.
- Yeah, I'm shutting down early.
I swear to God it's the last
time I serve Iko.
He's done!
- Phillip.
- Huh?
- Phillip Killian.
- Who the fuck are you?
I used to babysit you, dude.
I helped you poo.
Who the fuck wears a visor?
Dude, what happened
to you, Phillip?
"The Giving Tree"?
We used to cry together
reading "The Giving Tree."
- I'm kicking everyone out.
- Let it go.
- Whatever.
- Oh, my God.
Are you fucking kidding me?
What the fuck happened to you?
You were so sweet.
Come on.
- What happened?
- What did I do?
You did something.
Your parents were
the fucking best, little dude.
How could you talk
to a stranger like that?
She really babysit you,
bro?
The name
sounded eerily familiar,
but he was only four years old
back then.
You still got her number?
That exchange
would stick with him,
but he'd never tell a soul.
She was hot.
Why'd you let her leave?
Next up we
speak with the poet activist
Alex Glock about his new series
Bully to Us.
Mr. Glock said in an interview
last week, and I quote...
Did you think that was
Disneyland when you were a kid?
Yeah.
¶ ¶
Yeah, I mean, I'm not gonna
literally die from boredom.
I mean, it could be worse.
I get to work with my dad.
Yeah, I'll bet he likes
that a lot, too.
- Don't make it gay.
- Ah...
- The safety's off, man.
- What?!
- Ooh, good catch.
- Uh-huh.
So,
when do you guys open again?
Uh, we were open today.
- Oh, no.
- Yup, school's over.
Fuck you.
So, I would love to hang out
while I'm down.
Yeah, maybe we can do it
in the parking lot again.
Pew.
Dude, what the fuck?
¶ ¶
Capitol Heights.
12:00 p.m.
The habitation
of the record executive
was offset
by a self-storage site.
Never a good sign.
My partner was, once again,
having difficulty
with the latch on her door.
She'd clearly had
one too many the night before.
Are you really
gonna bring that in with you?
Disarming.
Oh! How's that so hot?
Let me take the lead
on this one, okay?
- The place was a real dump.
- Stop it.
Uh, hello?
Yeah, who's this?
- Oh, my God.
- We're here about Amber Jones.
- Please.
- Get your game face on.
Down here!
Down here!
Hi.
Hey.
Hey.
Have a seat.
How can I help you?
How's it going, man?
I'm good.
Thanks.
What can I do for you guys?
Shit. Sorry.
Sorry. Sorry. Sorry.
Um, we were planning
a concert at UDC
and we were wondering
if Amber Jones
might be available
to perform?
Uh, February 17th.
Who?
Amber Jones.
Yeah, you mentioned that name
on the intercom.
We don't--I don't record
anyone by that name.
This is Diva Records, right?
- Little Diva.
- We must have the wrong studio.
Where did you get that?
- The store.
- From our friends.
Where'd that bitch go?
You guys fucked up.
Shit.
Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!
Whoa!
- Safety!
- What?
Safety on the inside...
Your face!
I will shoot your fucking face!
Get down!
Down now!
- Hey, dick hole!
- Okay.
Okay.
Come on. Come on.
Come on.
Jesus!
- Screw this!
- Sorry! Come on!
- Holy shit. Holy shit.
- Fuck.
Holy shit. Holy shit.
Holy shit.
Holy shit!
Oh! Okay! Okay.
Oh, my God!
Okay! We're okay.
You're okay?
You're okay.
Okay.
Okay. Okay.
Okay. We're okay.
Okay.
I'm okay. I'm okay.
We're okay.
¶ ¶
Hey.
Hey, Margaret.
Margaret!
What?
May I see some identification,
please?
Oh, you.
Well, that was new.
¶ ¶
You okay?
Never been better.
Let's go.
¶ ¶
That same rash
around their eyes.
Pink eye?
Didn't strike me as the types
- to wash their hands every time.
- What would you do
if you were 100 pounds
up against those two Blutos.
What? Mace?
Let's go back to Russian's.
I think I got it.
Yes, ma'am.
What if he sees the car
this time?
Apologize for the window.
Try to make a purchase
to smooth things over.
He's involved?
He wouldn't have shown us
a video of her
sucking his dick.
Probably just fucking her.
Poor bastard.
Okay, so who's dumb enough
to record an album
with somebody
then kidnap them afterward?
When Mark got maced at
Homecoming it only looked
that bad for a couple of hours.
- Right.
- She went missing on Friday,
but I saw her running around
three days ago.
So where's she been?
She's not... kidnapped.
She's not tied up.
I think we just missed her
at Little Diva.
Something tells me
she ain't got a lot of friends.
Okay, so she's held up
at a record studio
wasting police time and money
in the middle of nowhere.
What's the fight over?
Last seen yelling on the phone
at her daddy's business.
- It's money.
- You're kidding me.
- A ransom?
- Look at that.
Fucking awesome.
I'm sorry to say
I think it's time to make
that anonymous call.
Russian's probably got
enough coke in there
to put him away.
We're not doing that.
Let's see where she goes.
Fucking douche face.
Faced--Fucking shithole!
You still see her?
Just up here.
Sorry.
Should I get a condom?
I don't fucking know.
I haven't exactly
been giving them away.
I'm saying
that you produced four boxes
of worthless pieces of plastic
that nobody wants for free.
That's not my problem.
No.
No, you're the one that promised
that you could deliver
on Wale.
Oh, yeah. Okay.
Oh, yeah, I bet you just wanted
half of my dad's money.
Why are you even
getting a cut anyway?
I mean,
all you did was fucking...
let me hide
in your bullshit studio.
What are you doing?
Yeah, well, you can bill me
for the Visine, douche face.
- Run if it gets messy.
- Messy?!
Russian's, but you won't
find it there, so don't try--
I don't know
who the fuck they were!
Maybe they were just
trying to book me!
- Ever think of that?!
- Hey.
- Phone call's over.
- What?
You heard me.
Hang it up.
Don't--
Don't point a gun at me, bitch.
It's over.
Let's go.
Now.
You don't know
who you're fucking with.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Have we met?
Get in the potty, bitch.
Lock it.
Come on!
What the fuck are you doing?
You did it!
Are you fucking kidding me?
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God!
Go! Go! Go!
9-1-1.
9-1-1.
Please state your emergency.
Amber Jones appears to be locked
in a Porta Potty
on Connecticut and--
All right.
Oh, my God!
- Money!
- No, it's not ours!
I wanna drive!
- Oh, shit!
- Hey, guys.
- Hey.
- Hi!
- What's shaking?
- God!
- It's not funny.
- We love you, but we gotta run.
Love you, too.
I'd stay in tonight.
Okay, bye!
Cracked it wide fucking open.
- Keeping it.
- So, I wouldn't use the word
"heroes," but I just did,
so...
- Huh.
- Your turn.
That sounds really dangerous.
Oh,
I'm sure it does.
So, let's hear it.
You're a hero, Margaret.
There it is.
So, what's your plan tonight?
Oh, we're celebrating.
I don't know if I mentioned,
but that case,
it's fucking closed.
So we found some fancy champagne
in the basement.
Did you hear that?
That was fucking perfect.
What is going on?
- What?
- What?
- Hmm?
- Um, so, are you...
- going out or...?
- Yeah, we took that acid
we bought from Sam's friend
like 20 minutes ago
so...
Sorry, how long have we
been on the phone for just now?
I don't know.
40 seconds?
Oh, thank God.
That's what I thought.
Well, it'd be great
to see you before you leave.
I would love to!
You wanna talk tomorrow?
I might be a little slow.
Um...
what are you up to tonight?
Oh, everything.
We're hitting all the clubs.
We're going to Aspen Hill
in our parents' finest attire.
- Aspen Hill?
- It's up and coming!
Oh did I not mention
that we're invincible now?
- I didn't hear that part.
- Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
So, we are now
and that's kinda our new thing.
Yeah, I'm thinking about
pulling the plug
on this whole thing.
¶ As you are my guy ¶
¶ ¶
¶ You are... ¶
I'm sorry.
Yes?
Hey, Henry.
Hey, Marky Mark.
What are you doing?
Ah, nothing.
I'm--I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm being--I'm being rude.
No!
Okay, Marky Mark.
Marky Mark. Marky Mark.
Bye bye!
Bye bye, Marky Mark.
Bye bye.
Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God.
Why? Why? Why? Why? Why?
Why? Why? Why? Why?
Why do you have this?
Why? Why? Why?
- No!
- Why do you have this? Why? Why?
¶ ¶
Do I savor Christmas cards?
Dummy.
Do you save
your Christmas cards?
Ah, well, yeah, but they do
eventually find their way
into the trash.
So, well... no?
Oh, fuck.
- No. No. No. No.
- Fuck!
Fuck!
You'll have to get
that tail light fixed.
You're gonna
keep getting these.
Oh, nuts.
You are aware that
it's cold outside, yeah?
- Yes, sir.
- Okay.
Well, I don't want you
driving on the street anymore
in this neighborhood.
I want you to go home...
and get an Uber.
Yes, Officer.
Merry Christmas.
Yeah, shut up.
Shut up. Shut up.
Look at you.
Fucking awesome.
- We love you.
- Model citizen, everyone.
You love you
and I love you.
You and are I
are so proud of you.
¶ Go ¶
¶ To sleep ¶
¶ ¶
¶ Make ¶
¶ Time for a dream ¶
¶ ¶
¶ Go ¶
¶ On my own ¶
I said,
"We're having a celebration."
Do you hear a--
a celebration
and we'd be much obliged--
much obliged indeed,
if you would give us
two dirty, gin martinis.
One that's on the rocks
and the other one...
that isn't on the rocks.
That's off the rocks.
That has no rocks.
Thank you so much.
Thank you.
¶ Go to sleep ¶
¶ ¶
Ohhhh, I'm sorry.
I didn't know we could
only drink your whiskey.
You didn't strike me
as the jealous type.
You're outta here.
Go. Go.
- Oh, we will.
- Oh, we will!
We're taking our business
to Maryland because...
- Gotta go.
- You, sir, are far from--
I left my card inside.
Do you mind if I
go in real fast?
One second?
- Two minutes.
- Thank you. Hold this.
¶ ¶
¶ In my arms ¶
¶ We will go ¶
The Air and Space Museum
is fantastic.
Whoa! Hey, buddy!
Jesus.
He came early.
The Easter Bunny
came early.
¶ They will find ¶
¶ The light ¶
¶ ¶
- We're here!
- Don't worry. We're here.
Everyone can rest easy.
We've got it all under control.
Swell digs to ring in
the New Year.
Ooh, darts.
I'm gonna eat 'em.
¶ Take time for a dream ¶
¶ ¶
We would like another
round of martinis, please.
- We're celebrating.
- Yes, we're heroes.
Speaking of which,
do you mind if we watch
the local news?
We're fans.
Ooh,
just in the nick of time.
Thank you.
We'll be back in a moment
with more on that
and also the weather forecast,
but first we have
some breaking news.
- Oh! Shh! It's on!
- In an unusual turn of events,
Amber Jones has been rescued
by Montgomery County Sheriffs.
¶ ¶
She was trapped
in the bathroom
of a gas station near I-495--
What?!
That's not what happened!
We served her up on a
silver platter and they blew it.
Oh, my God.
What'd I say?
Five foot
of Johnny Law don't know
- a prized ham from a turkey.
- That's--Shut up.
...more as this
story develops.
- Oh, my God.
- After this.
Well, we did our jobs.
We can't speak for them.
What'd we do?
Seriously.
What'd we actually do?
...exhausting
all resources to find
the whereabouts of
her three-month-old child.
She has a daughter?
Yeah, they said it
today. It's terrible.
Ugh, gross.
Wait, what?
¶ ¶
She would've said--
¶ ¶
9-1-1.
Please state your emergency.
Uh, Amber Jones' baby Joy,
she's in a drainage pipe
- in Kensington.
- No, she would've told--
Shut up. She's crazy.
- What is your current location?
- There's no time.
It's freezing outside.
Please, just go now.
- Oh, no.
- All right.
- Where is this drainage pipe?
- It's uh...
It's behind Russian's.
It's off Connecticut
in the woods behind...
- How many miles? How many miles?
- Henry!
- It's only a mile away.
- Goddamnit. Goddamnit.
- We have to go. Now.
- Shit.
¶ ¶
Oh, no.
Shhh...
Oh, shhh...
Joy!
- Joy!
- Where is she?
- Where is she?
- Joy!
- Joy!
- Joy!
- Joy!
- Joy! Joy!
Joy!
We lost the baby.
¶ ¶
Where is she? Where is she?
Joy!
Mar!
What?
The baby.
Where'd you find Joy?
How you know my baby's name?
Oh!
Oh, come on!
We were just having a talk
about our money.
Ugh,
your money's all over there.
What did you say?
Your money,
it's all back there.
There's a whole
fucking bag of it,
you fucking peasant.
- When did you find Joy?
- What?
Is she cold?
Can I hold her?
Hey!
- Hey--
- Hey! Hey!
Hey...
Okay...
Okay.
Show me where it is.
- The kid can stay. Come on.
- Thank you.
- Let's go.
- No.
Let's go!
No.
Fuck!
Get in the house.
Get back inside!
- Get back in--Get--
- Help!
- Get back in--
- Help!
Fuck!
Everyone, put your hands
above your head.
Put your hands above your head!
Drop your weapon
or we will open fire.
Requesting back up.
We got a full house here.
Okay,
we have 482 coming out there.
Uh,
I'm gonna go to the bathroom.
You guys be cool.
Is the baby inside?
Remain silent.
Trust me.
Hey...
I'm surprised you still
have those on.
Probably didn't know
we could do that, did you?
Well...
there's clearly been
some kind of misunderstanding
that put you at the same house
with a kidnapped child.
I'd love to clear this up
and send you home.
So, let's have it.
What are you doing?
Hm.
Well, listen, I'd hate to have
to lock you up for the night.
You know, this isn't a nice
place for a girl like you
to stay on New Year's.
Now, maybe if you gave me
a little something
to work with,
I could give you a ride home.
We could start
fresh again in the morning.
Well, Margaret...
seeing that you're remaining
silent only leads me to believe
you're behind
this whole thing...
like your boyfriend Henry said.
And I wish I could help you.
You seem like a good kid...
but it's getting late.
Guess we'll just have to wait
till tomorrow
when the court opens
to charge you with
suspicion of kidnapping.
Which I don't have to tell you
is a very serious crime.
You can use your phone
for a sec.
You should probably
call home.
Who is that?
It's one of my idiot friends.
Sorry, he didn't pick up.
I want my phone call!
I need to call my mother!
Hey!
I gotta get back to the party.
Fuck!
It's almost four.
I gotta get back to the party!
I left my dick at the party!
I have to go back
to get my dick!
My dick is at a party!
What do you call
a cow masturbating?
- What?
- Beef stroganoff.
¶ ¶
Oh, gracias.
Margaret Rockland,
your buddy's lawyer
wants to see you.
¶ ¶
Yeah, we really lucked out.
We have to come back
in a while and testify
which actually
could be kinda fun.
We just have to tap dance
around self-incrimination
and say citizen's arrest
like three times.
Yeah, assault
and obstruction of justice
would be a real shame.
As would possession
of an illegal firearm
and criminal abduction.
- Allegedly speaking.
- Ah, so, uh...
remaining silent is actually
pretty good advice then, huh?
That's what I hear.
So, uh...
what about the Russian?
His name's Russian.
I'm not sure
he's actually Russian.
Uh, he's fine.
He got home,
saw his missing kid,
and thought, "I should probably
move all my shit."
You should probably
move your shit.
Okay, so he packs up
all his stuff
and leaves it at a friend's,
no intent to sell,
then what?
He got back
a couple hours later
to call the police
about the kid only to find
Amber's recording partners
there waiting for him.
- Hey.
- And, so, if you had remembered
to hang up the police call...
They couldn't have tracked it.
And so...
Dirt nap.
- Holy shit.
- Yup.
Are you fucking with me
right now?
Nope.
Shit.
Okay, so...
so this girl self-kidnaps,
she has her business partners
order a ransom
her dad drops a bag of money
off a bridge or something--
like in a fricken movie.
Once they got it,
she maces them both--
I'm assuming while the kid's
in the room...
um... leaves the kid
at her baby daddy house...
who's a drug dealer--
Well, I think she was
only planning on
leaving her there
for a second.
So, then...
she... calls him up
to, uh...
apologize or--
or renegotiate
or whatever and she tells them
where she is
thinking they won't
come after her.
Hey...
phone call's over.
Well, in her defense,
I don't think she had
much of a master plan.
Well, I would say...
destructively irresponsible,
but, um...
I guess, uh, short-sighted
is a more opportune word.
Yeah.
It's kinda going around
this season, huh?
Yeah, I guess so.
Kinda disappointing,
you know?
Yeah, yeah,
I'm sorry, Maggie.
I just...
miss...
I just keep waiting for an
adult to show up and take over,
but it's still just...
me.
You know, we could talk about
actual shit.
I guess I miss that
more than anything.
Yeah, well,
I'm not dead, dude.
Yeah, I-I know.
So, how's the office?
Dad's, uh...
getting real old, man.
Yeah, that might be
the worst part.
You know, it's just
we can't fuck anymore.
It's not a death sentence.
Yeah, I know.
¶ ¶
Um...
I gotta go back inside.
I didn't, uh...
bring a coat out with me.
Love you, Maggie.
I love you, too, Marky.
Then why don't you
marry him?
That was in poor taste.
I'm sorry.
Dude,
why are you still Tindering?
- We're leaving town.
- I know, right?
What are you gonna do,
jump off the bus?
- You never know.
- You never know what?
You never can be quite sure.
¶ ¶
Some argue that by this point
in the administration, his
lucidity was so far impaired
that he could only comprehend
what was directly
in front of him
like a goldfish or a bumblebee.
It wasn't to say that
his intentions were malicious
so much as ungrasping
of the scenario in its whole.
Next up, we'll be
listening to an interview
from earlier today with the DJ
that we all love to hate,
Jonathan Sears.
¶ ¶
Hey.
We live...
in New York.
¶ ¶
¶ ¶
¶ ¶
¶ Just walk away ¶
¶ ¶
¶ Just walk away ¶
¶ ¶
¶ Give me your heart,
your body ¶
¶ Your mind
and your whole soul ¶
¶ And I'll spare your life ¶
¶ Give you safe passage ¶
¶ Just walk ¶
¶ Away ¶
¶ ¶
¶ Just walk ¶
¶ Away ¶
¶ ¶
¶ Just walk ¶
¶ Just walk ¶
¶ Just walk away ¶
¶ Just walk away,
¶ Yeah ¶
¶ ¶
¶ Waited for the cold ¶
¶ ¶
¶ And I can't ¶
¶ Forget when we were ¶
¶ Small ¶
¶ ¶
¶ Waited for ¶
¶ The cold to come ¶
¶ ¶
¶ Breathing through the weak ¶
¶ And it came out strong ¶
¶ ¶
¶ Waited for the cold ¶
¶ To come ¶
¶ ¶
¶ Can't believe I'm waiting ¶
¶ Wanting for more ¶
¶ ¶
¶ And I can't ¶
¶ Leave you now ¶
¶ And I can't ¶
¶ Breathe out ¶
¶ And I won't ¶
¶ Ask for more ¶
¶ ¶
¶ When you go now ¶
¶ Don't make boy mad ¶
¶ And we won't talk about ¶
¶ What went wrong ¶