Loaded Weapon 1 (1993) - full transcript

What the hell was that?

Hello, hello.
How are you?

Nice weather
we are having today.

Nice weather?

You think
we're having nice weather?

l guess you didn't lose
the only one...

that meant anything
in your life.

l guess you don't feel
burned out...

by the human misery
and despair...

perpetrated
by the criminal vermin...

that infest every pore
of this decaying city...



forcing you to guzzle cheap wine
and cheaper whiskey...

to dull the pain
that shatters your heart...

rips at your soul,
keeps your days forever gray.

What flavor lcee you got today?

Kiwi cherry.

Oh, baby.

Namaste.

Excuse me.

Do you have any of these
in taupe?

No taupe.
Beef jerky.

And you call this
a convenience store?

Open up the cash register,
or l'll splatter your brains.

Excuse me.

You scuzzballs mind
if l join in?



l know what you're thinking,
punk.

You're thinking...

"Did he fire 173 times...

"or 17 4?"

Well, do you feel lucky...

punk?

You guys got to get
that thing fixed.

l know. Don't thank me.

l'm just a cop doing his job.

You have reached the desk
of Sergeant Wes Luger.

Please leave a message
after the beep.

Yeah, Wes. lt's me, Billy.

Hey! l said, "after the beep."

Well, excuse me.

Listen, it's nine thirty--

Oh, nine thirty-seven.

Look, it's just getting
too dangerous to wait here.

l got to get out.

Meet me at the Squealer's Hotel
in forty-five minutes.

l have a contact there.

Who is it?

Wilderness Girls.

Wilderness Girls.

A little late
to be selling cookies.

Troop leader says
we are not meeting our quota.

l'll take a couple of boxes.

That won't be necessary,
Miss York.

l got to be honest.

You look better in the wig.

My hairstyle is the least
of your worries.

Wilderness Girls, eh?

So that's how you're
moving the drugs.

Brilliant, Miss York.
Now...

Where is the meecrofilm?

The what?

The meecrofilm.

l don't know anything
about any meecrofilm.

Don't play coy with me.

This is too important.

And this is the plot.

lmportant enough so that anyone
within earshot...

should listen to each
and every detail?

That important.

And you're talking
about the microfilm...

which holds the recipe
for turning cocaine...

into innocent-looking cookies?

l don't know anything about it.

ln a little while, Miss York,
you will be begging for mercy.

No, no. l'll beg now.

Save yourself unnecessary pain.

Tell me!

McCracken.

Thank you, Miss York.

ls that Dan McCracken
or Mike McCracken?

Mike.

ls he on Alpine or Oak?

Alpine.

Hey, psst!

Park on Third.

You'll never find a spot
on Alpine.

Thank you.
You have been most cooperative.

Don't mention it.

And, you, remember,
you saw nothing.

What you got, lrv?

Oh. Beats me, Sarge.

Dandruff, seborrhea,
maybe just dry, itchy scalp.

Have you tried this, lrv?
l use it.

Head & Shoulders?

Sarge, you don't have dandruff.

l know.

Are you ready to limbo?

What'll it be?
Matte finish or glossy?

Matte.

Good choice.

Be ready in about a week.

So what are we looking at
here, Doc?

The worst-dressed stiff
l've ever seen.

This stiff and l pounded a beat
together for five years...

so show some respect.

l'm sorry, Wes.

l see so much
of this senseless mayhem...

that sometimes l get
a little insensitive.

All right, this loser has taken
the chickenshit way out...

and punched her own ticket.

Suicide, huh?

She must have caught
herself by surprise.

Found these
on the floor near her.

Wilderness Girl cookies.

Give me a hand, Doc.

Sure.

You knew her, Sarge?

Yeah, l knew her.

She was my partner.

l'm sorry, Sarge.

Hey--hey, Sarge.

lt's tingling.

Good, lrv.
That means it's working.

Here's to getting through
another lousy day.

Claire.

l miss you so much.

l'm trying, Claire.

God knows l'm trying.

But it's too damn hard
without you.

l'll get the bastards
that took you.

Well, Herb,
back to the salt mines.

Mind if l drive this time?

This is supposed to be
an express line!

No, he had fuller lips.
Pouting lips.

Wide eyes.
Yes, that's him.

Dooley, give it a break.

What's going on?

Dooley's bet us he can escape
in fifteen minutes.

-How long has he been at it?
-Three days.

Better step on it, Dooley.

You think crime's
taking a holiday?

Well, think again!

-What the hell you want, Luger?
-l want the York case.

There is no York case!
lt was a suicide! Coffee?

No, thanks.

Cappuccino? Espresso?

Hey, Scotty, can you get
this machine to work?

l'm giving it
all she's got, Captain!

lf l push it any harder,
the whole thing'll blow!

Give me my plate!

l don't think York
was a suicide.

She was onto something.

On something is more like it.

Those Wilderness Girls cookies
was laced with cocaine!

No wonder
l couldn't eat just one.

York left me a message.

She'd uncovered
a drug-running operation.

l think that's
what got her killed.

You don't think
it was the bullets?

Give me the case.

You're days from retirement.
Let it go.

York was a partner, a friend.
l owe her.

l owe it to every cop
who's walked a beat...

every cop who's made a bust...

who's ever laid
his life on the line!

Wait a minute!

l'm the captain here!
l do all the yelling!

lf it's that important to you,
take the damn case!

Thank--thank you, Captain.

Don't be so fast to thank me!

Because you're going
to be naked on this one.

People are going to be watching!

You screw up,
you'll be hung out to dry!

You drop the ball, you'll be
left twisting in the wind!

lf you embarrass
this department...

your pants
will be dancing with figs!

ls that clear?

Everything
but the pants-fig thing.

And one other thing--

Narco's sending over one
of their burned-out psychos...

to look into
the Wilderness Girl cookies.

l'm teaming him with you.

Captain, you know l work alone.

You get the case,
you get Jack Colt!

Cigarette!

Cigarette!
Hit the floor!

Hey, back off!

Easy.

That's Luger's new partner.

Captain, you can't seriously
be thinking of using this man.

He's dangerous, a menace.

A loose cannon.

A walking time bomb.

Most of all, he is gun-happy.

Where do you get off
saying that?

l give up.

There's someone
you better talk to...

if this case involves cookies.

Not him.

Yeah. Him.

You know the rules.

Do not touch the glass.

Do not hand him
any sharp instruments...

power tools, sewing materials,
or condiments.

Make sure you stay to the left
when you walk down the hall.

He's in the last cell.

The right!
l meant stay to the right!

What?

Un papa?

ls it a code?

An obscure foreign language?

So, this is Mr. "Screw
With Your Brain...

"Eat Your Spleen...

"Wear Your Flesh As A Hair Net"
Leacher, huh?

Well, look who's
Mr. Scaredy Pants now.

ldentification, please.

Closer.

Please sit.

Dr. Leacher,
we need to ask you--

There's someone out there
again, isn't there?

A bad boy with pastries.

Hai Karate. You wear that
sometimes, don't you?

But not today.
Today it's...

mentholated deep-heat rub.

You order chef's salad
with dressing on the side.

You have an attractive wife
with perky breasts...

a nine-year-old son,
and a sixteen-year-old daughter.

Who told you that?

l saw their picture
in your wallet.

We came to talk about cookies.

Quid pro quo, Mr. Colt.

What's that mean?

lt means l'm pretentious.

Tell me about the worst meal
you've ever eaten, Mr. Colt.

Quick!

Uh, it was a fish sandwich at--

Don't tell him anything.

Can you help us?

You hold the key, Mr. Colt.

Look into yourself for an answer
to the cookie concern.

Look to a man with whom
you were involved.

No, no. Not him.

lt was in Vietnam.

You disappoint me, Mr. Colt.

lt was Mortars.
General Mortars.

W-wait a minute.

l--l never--

l didn't mean
that kind of involvement.

You were under his command.

Mortars was once my patient.

l taught him
to express his anger.

You taught him well.

Quite.

After our last session,
he started the Vietnamese war.

Seek him out...

and...when you find him,
please...

l would love
to eat his cookies...

with some fava beans
and a nice chilled Fresca.

l just got to ask.

What does human flesh
taste like?

Chicken.

Are we going to see Mortars?

Follow the lead of some
psychotic, mind-twisting...

jumpsuit-wearing sociopath?

Forget it.

l've only got forty-eight hours.

Wrong, Sarge.

Forty-seven hours,
twenty-nine minutes.

l'm looking for the man
that killed my ex-partner.

Come on, spud.

She was going to meet some
stoolie at Squealer's Hotel.

l don't need some
hotshot cowboy from--

Don't fry me!

-Not validated.
-What?

Val-i-dat-ed.

l don't need some hotshot
from Narco in my way.

You're not the only one
who's lost a partner.

You got anything smaller?

Keep it.

Anything larger?

Claire and l rode together
for seven years.

York and l
were in academy together.

Then we partnered
for five years.

Before that,
we dodged the draft together.

Before that, we played
high school football together.

Before that, we were
in grade school together...

and before that,
we breast-fed together.

What happened to your partner?

The hell of it is l don't know.

l came home one night,
and she was gone.

You two were living together?

She used to sleep at my feet
and lick my toes...

though sometimes
she'd forget about me...

and just lick herself for hours.

Personally, l don't think
it's a good idea...

to get that involved
with your partner.

You try not getting
involved with a partner...

who saves your life
one minute...

then nuzzles your crotch
the next.

Billy and l weren't like that.

She left the force
five years ago.

We didn't see each other
much after that.

When we did, she was always
excited to see me.

When Claire was excited,
she'd pee on my leg.

What do you think
happened to her?

Maybe she just took off.

l hadn't been paying
enough attention to her.

l realized
how neglected she felt...

the night she shit in my shoes.

My gut tells me we were getting
too close to someone.

When she disappeared...

l had a feeling
we were being followed.

l think we're being
followed now.

Don't look.

Just play it cool.

So, did you catch that Stallone
retrospective at the Omni?

No.
Sounds fascinating, though.

l'm going to try and lose them.

Nice driving.

Thanks.

You really got me going

You got me so l don't know
what l'm doing

You

Really got me now

You got me
so l can't sleep at night

Oh, yeah

You, you've really got me now

You got me so l don't know
what l'm doing

Oh, yeah

You really got me now

You got me
so l can't sleep at night

You really got me

You really got me

You really got me

Don't ever set me free--

What the hell?

General.

How's your health, Mike?

Fine.

Sea Monkeys?

Piranha.

Their lives exude
a beautiful simplicity--

savage, ruthless...

existing only to devour
and destroy...

to taste blood, to rend flesh.

Sounds like me, right?

ln its own environment...

the piranha
is a ferocious killer.

ln mine,
just a helpless little fish.

There's a lesson to be learned
from that, don't you think?

l have a concern
that you might alleviate.

lt seems certain information
was shared...

with an individual
who might have jeopardized...

the cookie operation.

While that individual
has been eliminated...

we have yet to recover
a very important item.

Where's the microfilm, Mike?

l don't know.
l gave it to York.

l thought
she was one of your men.

Act in haste, repent in leisure.

But he who hesitates is lost.

Never judge a book by its cover.

What you see is what you get.

Loose lips sink ships.

Life is very short...

and there's no time for fussing
and fighting, my friend.

Sorry, Mike.
No good.

You've been careless, sloppy.

We just can't have that.

Where's the microfilm, Mike?

Does this have anything to do
with the Billy York killing?

Nah.
Domestic dispute.

OK, l'm going to try
and talk them out.

Hold your fire
until l give the order.

Can l have one that's made
in America, please?

You up there.

l order you
to throw your hands down...

and come out
with your weapons up.

Who fired that shot?

Sergeant...
That--that was me that--

-Give me the gun.
-l was just--

Give me the gun.

When you learn to follow orders,
you can have it back.

Oh, so we think that's funny,
do we, Officer Davis?

Maybe we'd all like to know
what's so funny.

Maybe Officer Davis
can make us all laugh.

Nice to see all those
smiling faces out there.

What do you call 2,000 lawyers
at the bottom of the sea?

A good start.

Say, why'd the guy give a name
to his penis?

He didn't want a stranger
making most of his decisions.

Thanks a lot.
You've been great.

Make sure he doesn't
get any doughnuts.

You could have gone
a little lighter on the guys.

That's how it starts, Colt.

You lighten up,
next thing you know...

all the rules
are out the window.

Tight ass.

You say something?

Pencilneck.

Butthead.

What is it with you guys?

l run a respectable place.

What are you rousting me for?

l got friends downtown.

l don't know
what you're talking about.

We haven't said anything yet.

l got nothing to say.

Park the tongue, buddy.

l'm Sergeant Colt.
This is Sergeant Luger.

You know a woman
by the name of Billy York?

You got a picture?

Oh. Ahem. Here we go.

That her?

No. That's her picture.

Nope. Don't know her.

Well, maybe this
will refresh your memory.

l don't know.
She's a little out of focus.

ls this the Billy York
informant shootout?

l don't know.
l just got here.

Wait a second.

Hey, Larry.

ls this the Billy York
informant shootout?

No.
Check out the third floor.

Thanks.

Beat it.

This is an FBl case.

All right, bring him on out.

ls he the Billy York informant?

Get your shit together.

That's Becker, four-oh-three.

Hey, you!

Not so fast.

That's better.

Nope.
l'll handle this.

All right, Becker, open up!
Police!

Now that we've tried it
your way, let's try mine.

Who is it?

Room service.

What?
l don't know nothin'.

l didn't see nothin'.
l ain't sayin' nothin'.

Nothing, the word is nothing,
not nothin'.

There's an i-n-g
on the end of it. Nothing.

OK. Nothing.

OK, you happy?

That's better.

That's not what you told York.

l--l don't know no York,
and where's my food?

We ate it, and please,
no double negatives.

Sorry.
l don't know any York.

You don't know any York?

These matches say you're lying.

Oh...York.

She was supposed to meet you
here the night she died. Why?

lt's where l live.

Yeah, but why you?

The other guy couldn't come up
with the security deposit.

What do you know about a piece
of microfilm?

lt's small and brittle...

and it's used
in a lot of Bond films.

All right,
l did some money laundering...

for your standard
ex-military psycho types.

Give me a name.

Weren't your parents
supposed to do that?

Who are you working with?

There's been three attempts
on my life.

Come with us. There won't be
any successful ones.

This thing is big.
lt's really big.

lt's bigger than Watergate.
lt's bigger than Oprah.

There's nothing you can do.

They're too strong
and powerful...

and they're too...
je ne sais quoi.

We can protect you.

Le commedia est finie.

Guess that's the last time
he'll trust a cop.

Give it to me straight.

ls this it, the big checkout?

Level with me.
How bad is it?

lt's not bad.
You'll be fine.

You'll be back
on your feet in no time.

Your ticket.

Don't bury me.
l'll only be a minute.

Yes, sir.

Closer together.
OK, big smile.

Beautiful.

They bought it right away.

Those two tried
to make a getaway.

They gave me a new partner, too.

This is Sport.

She likes you.

l've done worse.

What are we looking at?

A mixed breed--
Rottweiler and Chihuahua.

They must have used a lubricant.

l'm talking about the case.

Seeing Sport makes me think
l could love again.

What do you have, lrv?

l'm not sure, Sarge.

lt's a nagging, itching,
burning sensation.

What the hell do you expect?

Your foot's on fire.

Hey, what you got, Sarge?

l don't know.

Nothing solid.

You got any theories?

Uh, E equals MC squared.

Anything of your own?

But l'll tell you, Sarge.
Something just doesn't add up.

What?

My wife and l haven't had sex
for two years.

l have a six-month-old daughter.

You're getting too suspicious.

This job will do that to you.

You're right, Sarge.

Thanks.

Hey, buddy, come give me a hand?

l don't know.

This may look like a suicide,
but my gut tells me...

there's something else
going on here.

Hey, weren't there five stiffs?

Damn!
McCracken's missing.

Hey! Hey, has anyone seen
McCracken's body?

l need a little help here.

He didn't just get up
and walk away!

l got something important
to show you.

So, what's the big news?

You see this?

This ring was given out
to a ClA front in 'Nam...

run by General Mortars.

When the VC tried financing
the war with cocaine...

they went in and burned it.

Twelve years later,
after sobering up...

General Mortars
went into the drug business.

l just could never prove it.

Are you telling me
you took evidence...

from the scene
of a criminal investigation?

You want to crack
this case or not?

Not by making up
the rules as l go.

Sometimes, pal, those are
the only rules that work!

Good thing
we used valet parking.

Taxi!

l guess we're making
somebody nervous.

lt's going to take a lot more
than a couple of car bombs...

to get us off this case.

Not a hell of a lot more.

Luger, don't worry about
all this bomb stuff.

Happens to me all the time.

l'm not worried about bombs.

l'm trying to figure out what
to tell my wife about her car.

Understand, gentlemen, if you
wish to do business with us...

you must take
the entire shipment.

Test the merchandise.

Half the payment now...

half tomorrow, half on delivery.

The price is not negotiable.

The merchandise
is satisfactory, yes?

Good.
Then we can do business.

Use the Vista card.
You get frequent flyer miles.

The shipment will be prepared
and boxed Friday evening...

and ready for shipping
Saturday morning.

l need a signature
and daytime phone number.

lt's a pleasure
doing business with you.

Not so fast.

The carbons?

Oh...smart man.

l like doing business
with smart men.

They know
never to screw with me.

There's something between you
and this General Mortars.

He was my C.O. in 'Nam.

The ClA listed him as MlA...

but the V.A. l.D.'d his M.O.,
and we put out an APB.

Oh, l see.

May l help you?

lt can't be.
Not Mary O'Brien...

the bucktoothed,
freckle-faced...

pigtailed little girl
l knew in the fifth grade?

No, l'm not.
May l help you?

l'm Sergeant Luger.
This is Sergeant Colt.

These are our wallets.
Metropolitan Police.

We'd like to speak
to whomever's in charge.

Follow me.

Miss Demeanor
will be right with you.

Help yourself to some cookies.

Let me do the talking.

l've eaten her cookies.

You're the boss.

Detectives Colt and Loser?

Oh, sorry. Loogie.

Uh, why don't you
make yourselves at home?

No, l meant
why don't you sit down...

and tell me what you want?

Can l get either of you
something to drink?

Uh, just water.

No, thanks.

We're investigating a felony,
Miss Demeanor.

Oh, sounds violent.

l hate violence.

Anyone for snow cones?

Thanks.

During the course of
investigating two homicides...

we found boxes
of Wilderness Girl cookies.

They were laced with cocaine.

Oh, my.
That's horrible.

But surely you can't suspect
the Wilderness Girls...

of somehow being responsible?

l can.

l'd like for you
to come downtown...

and answer a few questions.

This is downtown.

Headquarters.

You can have
your attorney present.

Why would l need my attorney?

May l change before l go?

Sure.

You should always
wear your hair down.

For you, l always will.

Look, lady, you may think...

you can divert our
attention from this case...

but you're wrong.

We see through your tricks.

Now, move it.

Do you run the Wilderness Girls?

ls your money raised
selling cookies?

Do you know General Mortars?

Well, l drive a Buick.

No, that's General Mortars.
General Mor-tars.

One down, nine to go.

Hey, how you doing?
Don't mind me.

Keep doing what you're doing.

We're a team.
We work together.

Honey, nice outfit.

Points out all
the tourist attractions.

Didn't you die?

l thought this was the sequel.

Miss Demeanor,
this isn't a good time to lie.

When is?

l don't know the meaning
of the word lie.

Who was the last man
to bat over four hundred?

Ted Williams.

What did Cher see in Sonny?

Did Oswald act alone?

You need help shaving your legs?

Show a little respect.

How many men
have you slept with?

Five...maybe six.

Not a lot for this day and age.

lt's been a slow week.

Do you know Bill York?

Who cares?
Do you sleep in the nude?

Only when l'm naked.

How do you feel about
the designated hitter rule?

l hate it.

lt undermines
the purity of the game.

l like pure things.

They give me pleasure.

Here we go!

All right!

We've detained Miss Demeanor
long enough.

Uh, you can go now.

Sorry to have troubled you.

No trouble, Detective.

But l'm going to need
transportation home.

Anybody want to give me a ride?

-Pick me!
-Pick me!

Back off!

lf l were you,
l wouldn't leave town.

Oh, l won't.
l live here.

Sorry if it was
a little rough on you.

You're just doing your job.

And l'm just a gal
like any other gal.

l want a home, a family,
an occasional spanking.

l used a rolled up newspaper
to spank Claire once.

Thanks for bringing me back.

lt was nice meeting you.

Nice meeting you, too.

l hope it was
a successful performance.

Good.
We may have stumbled...

on the whereabouts
of the microfilm.

Mr. Jigsaw,
use your powers of persuasion...

and see if Sergeant York...

left our two police friends
a memento.

They're not onto you.

No more innocent people
have to suffer.

You're letting
compassion intrude.

lt's an unbecoming trait.

Drop your gun, Mr. Colt.

Who the hell are you?

l am your worst nightmare.

No. Waking up without my penis
is my worst nightmare.

All right. So l'm not
your worst nightmare...

but l'm right up there.

Now...

Where is the meecrofilm?

What's going on here?

Drop your gun, Mr. Luger!

l don't have one.

You're not carrying a weapon?

Don't believe in them.

Pick up the gun.

Drop the gun, Mr. Luger!

Don't do it.

Drop the gun,
or l'll shoot your partner.

He's going to shoot me anyway.

lf you drop it, we're both dead.

Wes, shoot him.

Drop the gun!

Get the car!

Freeze!

Damn.

So you let him get away, huh?

He's gone, Colt.

Look, why don't you
come home with me...

so you can see how a warm
family environment...

can offer so much more...

than your hollow,
hate-filled existence?

Maybe some other time.

Sergeant Colt,
Metropolitan Police Department.

This is Sergeant Luger.

We're commandeering
your vehicles.

Wait a minute.

We're commandeering kids' bikes?

That's disgusting.

l'm getting too old for this
bike-confiscating shit.

Don't worry, kids.

We'll take good care
of your bikes.

l can't imagine where Doris is.

She always likes
to check out my new partners.

You forgot, Daddy.

This is Mom's "bowling
with the Teamsters" night.

Oh, yeah, right.

So, Ben, dad help you
with your homework?

Nah. l don't want to repeat
the fifth grade again.

So, Debbie, uh,
how do you like school?

How do you think l like it?
lt sucks.

Oh, here's Doris now.
Hon, hon.

l want you to meet
my new partner Jack Colt.

Charmed, l'm sure.

Um, this is Ted Polanski.

Ted's a produce manager.

Assistant produce manager.

Mr. Brubaker's the manager.

Ted's been very helpful
with my produce selections.

l thought l should extend him
a special courtesy.

l should be going.

Stay for coffee.
Coffee, Ted?

Ted's from
a dysfunctional family.

Oh. So, no coffee?

l thought he should spend
some time with us.

l was thinking about taking him
to Mother's for the weekend.

Dear, l know you're just trying
to block out the memory...

but come on, now...

your mom's been dead
for over six months.

Did l forget to give you
that message?

l'll pass on coffee.

Did l come at a bad time?

You should be more careful.

l might have blasted off
your eye shadow.

So, what's with all the candles?

l couldn't find
the light switch.

You have an interesting place.

lt's much bigger than it looks
from the outside.

l chose light colors
to make it look bigger.

So what are you doing here?

Waiting for you.

l mean, what brought you here?

-A taxi.
-Yeah, but why?

My car's in the shop.

The police station
would have made me nervous.

You better go.

You're not even going to ask
why l tracked you down?

OK, why did you track me down?

l wasn't totally honest with you
and Detective Loogie.

No one ever is.

l can't live with it anymore.

l know who's responsible
for those cookies.

lt's a man l fell for...

a man who used me
and betrayed me--

General Mortars.

Why are you telling me all this?

You don't understand.

He's using the Wilderness Girls
of America to sell cocaine.

He can ship them anywhere.

Everyone trusts
a Wilderness Girl cookie!

Oh, my.

l feel as though an incredible
weight has been...

lifted off my chest.

Can you feel it?

Yes, as a matter of fact, l can.

lsn't it wonderful?

And there's more.

Tomorrow at midnight...

a big drug deal at the
Wilderness Girl Cookie Factory.

You and Loogie must stop it.

But not until after.

After what?

Relax, Colt.

l'll talk you through it.

Squeeze me.

Squeeze me like l was
an S&W seven forty-seven...

double-action magnum...

with an extended
chrome eight-inch barrel...

just begging for a few squirts
of gun oil.

ls this a come-on?

Blow in my ear...

like you were blowing away
the metallic blue discharge...

wafting from your barrel...

after you've spent
your full load.

What?

Painful cuticle.

You think that's painful?

Razor burn.

Retaining water.

Nickel Beer Night--

Dodger Stadium.

These? Vietnam?

Parochial school.

Grenade.

Riot at a "Love Connection"
taping.

That's nothing.

The plate in my head?

Elective surgery.

l was a fool.

Try this.

Low-budget organ transplant.

Enough foreplay.

We were made for each other.

lt was magic, Colt.

l guess you're crying
because you know it's wrong...

to get mixed up
with a guy like me...

a guy who lives on the edge
and plays by his own rules.

That can only spell heartache
and loneliness...

for a woman like you.

No. l'm crying because now
that we've had these moments...

and l'm so friendly
with the villain...

l know l'm going to die.

Well, some things
are worth dying for.

Where are you going?

Nowhere.

l'm just taking one of those...

unmotivated
butt-in-the-moonbeam walks.

Do you hear something?

What the hell are you doing?

Uh, is this, uh, ten-fourteen
Pacific Coast Highway?

Ten-fourteen
Pacific Coast Highway?

No! This is eight-fourteen
Pacific Coast Highway!

Ten-fourteen
is two blocks up that way!

Sorry. My mistake.

No problem !

Colt, look!

lt's Mortars.
l know it.

l'm getting the hell
out of here.

-That's mine!
-Give me that.

Take care, babe.

Next time, instead of just
smoking cigarettes in bed...

do you think
we could actually make love?

Yeah, maybe.

Colt, please.
l want you.

l'm burning for you.
l'm on fire.

And l'm late.

lt'll only take a minute.

Who told you that?

Colt, please.

Don't you find me desirable?

Sure.

But l got a partner to warn.

Stick 'em up, sailor!

Get your hands off me!

You crazy?
Not that one.

What the hell
are you doing here?

l'm saving your life.

Look, it's always the green one.

Yeah, but--but
that one's orange.

Who asked you anyway?

Hey, hey, hey, Colt.

Did you see "Hot Shots"?

Ahem. Not that l'm drawing
any parallels here...

but don't you think
it's kind of coincidence...

you know, it's kind of weird...

that you're doing this,
and in "Hot Shots"--

All right, Becker, that's it.

This one's got your name
written all over it!

Where are you?

ln here.

What's wrong?

Nothing.

Taking a shit.

Sorry.

Bust at a cookie factory?

l don't know.

-Can you trust her?
-Yeah.

How do you know?
You kissed her?

Well, sort of.

French?

Give her a hickey?

Shaved her back?
Handled her hooters?

You parked the pink Cadillac?

Well, what can you
possibly know about her?

We wear the same size pumps.

Are you one of those
macho guys who hates women?

lf l tell you something...

do you promise
it'll just stay between us?

Your secret's safe
with me, Colt.

Whatever you tell me
doesn't leave this car.

You have my word.

My mother never breast-fed me.

She'd tease me with it
and then give me the bottle.

lt went on for years.

Lufthansa announces
the departure--

By the time l hit thirteen...

l developed a love-hate thing
with breasts...

and a distrust of all women.

l just don't understand them.

l breast-fed
till l was sixteen years old...

and still don't
understand women.

While we're sharing
so openly here...

l want to tell you l appreciate
you coming to warn me like that.

Most people l know
wouldn't have done that.

Well, that's the advantage
of working with strangers.

You're telling me a guy dressed
like a Wilderness Girl...

with a German accent--

-Austrian?
-Austrian. Yeah.

Austrian accent.

Killed York and tried
to kill you, too...

and tonight there's a drug deal
at the cookie factory?

l know it sounds crazy,
Captain, but--

lt is crazy!

Consider
this investigation closed!

Well, it was nice
almost working with you.

Wait a minute.

We can't quit now.
We've come too far.

You heard the captain.
We're off the case.

You're more hung up
on going by the book...

than solving this case.

By failing to follow
the safety guard's manual...

look what l've done.

l'm to blame.
l didn't go by the rules.

lt's all my fault.

From this day forward...

l will always go by the book.

You were a crossing guard?

You guys were all geeks.

And what's your problem?

You got some kind of death wish?

lf he only knew.

lt was Claire
who lived life on the edge.

lt's hard for you
to understand, Luger.

You got a family.
All l got is revenge.

l'll nail Mortars for the York
and McCracken killings.

You may be headed in the right
direction, Colt...

but you're doing all
the wrong things to get there.

Oh, really, Mr. Perfect?

Well, aren't we
forgetting something?

l thought maybe
l was getting through to you.

Sometimes you can't play
by the rules.

l'm going after Mortars,
alone and by myself.

"What Russian novel...

"embracing more than
five hundred characters...

"is set in the Napoleonic wars?"

"War and Peace."

l have been waiting
for this moment, Mr. Colt.

This has gone far enough.

First you use my affection...

then you use me to sell drugs
through the Wilderness Girls.

What kind of a man are you?

A user.

l knew that when you
made me parade around...

in that leather
demi-cup underwire bra...

with matching panties
and garter belt.

The bra with the metal studs?

That's the red one.

l mean the black set
with gold thread piping.

Always loved that one.

l hate it.
But most of all...

l hate the fact that you
made me lure Colt here...

the man l've come to love.

"The man..."
Don't be foolish.

All right, General,
playtime's over.

Destiny, l was moved
by what you said.

l meant it, Colt.
l love you.

Not that. l mean the stuff
about that black leather outfit.

All right, General,
your cookie's crumbled.

Perhaps you should take
a look at this first.

Let her go, General.

Yeah.
L-L-Let her go and keep me.

OK. Keep her and let me go.

Keep everybody but me.

Why should l listen
to any of you?

Because you want this.

l underestimated you, son.

Thank you.
l'll take that.

All right, Mr. Colt...

the game is up.

Put your weapon down.

Put down yours, General.

You won't shoot me, angel buns.
You haven't got the...

guts!

Hold it!

Colt, look out!

Colt, l'm cold.

l'm so cold.

Thanks.

Kiss me.

May not be a good idea.

l got a touch of the flu.

Please, Colt.

Get Mortars for me, Colt.

Give it up, Mortars!

You're only making things worse.

lt's over.
The jig is up.

The Rubicon is crossed.

Getting sloppy, son.

Well, it was still sound advice.

Drop the gun, General.

Luger. You came.

That's personal.

But what's important
is l'm here.

Shoot him, partner.

Shoot him, shoot him,
shoot him, shoot him !

You can't shoot me, Sergeant.

You're a cop.
You have to play it by the book.

Go ahead, Sergeant, shoot me.

Sometimes, General...

you make the rules up as you go.

Just kidding.

Nothing like a good smoke
after you've blown someone away.

-You mind?
-Yeah.

You're right.
These things are dangerous.

Looks like you missed
the fireworks, Captain.

Wrong!

Looks like we're just
in time for them !

So you two guys
are a couple of superheroes?

We got the bad guys, Cap.

Yeah, and you almost
got yourself killed.

Wish l had more men like you.

Would you reconsider
that retirement?

Only if Colt's my partner.

l think it can be arranged.

Thanks, Cap.

-Sequel.
-Sequel.

-l'm driving.
-l'm driving.

You know, l feel like l'm
forgetting something back there.

Destiny. Claire.

That's it.

We're here, Colt.

Destiny, Claire,
you're all right.

Me, too, in case you have
the sensitivity to care.

l know you're uncomfortable
with me, but don't worry.

l grow on you.

Kind of like a rash.