Limbo (2019) - full transcript
A murderer finds himself on trial in Hell, caught between a bitter prosecutor and an inexperienced defense attorney.
♪ Livin' in the world
of mass confusion ♪
♪ Where contentment's
hard to find ♪
♪ Livin' in the
days of revelation ♪
♪ With old Satan close behind ♪
♪ I've been talked
about and laughed at ♪
♪ I've been locked
out in the cold ♪
♪ But I don't aim
to give old Satan ♪
♪ Any claim upon my soul ♪
♪ You better look around ♪
♪ You better look around ♪
♪ You better be wonderin'
what salvation's all about ♪
♪ You better believe
and understand ♪
♪ Before old Satan
takes your hand ♪
♪ He's gonna take you,
but it ain't gonna be ♪
♪ To the promised land ♪
♪ You better look around ♪
♪ You better look around ♪
♪ You better be wonderin'
what salvation's all about ♪
♪ You better believe
and understand ♪
♪ Before old Satan
takes your hand ♪
♪ He's gonna take you,
but it ain't gonna be ♪
♪ To the promised land ♪
(CAR ENGINE RUMBLING)
(CAR REVVING)
(TENSE MUSIC)
(GUN FIRES)
(FLESH SQUELCHES)
Do you know why you're here?
How you got here?
Do you know who you are?
No.
It's post-traumatic
amnesia, it's normal.
Should start to get
your memory back soon.
I don't remember shit.
Your name is Jimmy Boyle.
You were transported
here from the hospital.
Hospital?
Who are you?
My name is Balthazar.
I know my rights.
Your rights?
I get a phone call.
You're not under arrest.
Then I'm outta here.
What the hell?
Where's the goddamn exit?
(TENSE PENSIVE MUSIC)
Can't keep me here if
I'm not under arrest.
(TENSE PENSIVE MUSIC)
(DOORKNOB RATTLING)
(POUNDING ON DOOR)
Open the goddamn door!
She's dead.
What?
The woman you shot.
What are you talkin' about?
You splattered her
brains over half the store.
That's bullshit.
You'll be happy to
know she had three kids.
Congratulations, you managed
to orphan an entire family
with a single bullet.
(TENSE PENSIVE MUSIC)
Think.
(PENSIVE MUSIC)
(DOOR BUZZING)
LOUISE: Mornin'.
What can I do for ya?
Just lookin'.
Anything in particular?
No, just lookin'.
I can make you a great deal
on a Tiger 20-inch
gas-powered chainsaw.
Chainsaw?
What am I gonna do with
a chainsaw in Hollywood,
cut down fuckin' palm trees?
LOUISE: I don't rightly know.
I don't need a
fuckin' chainsaw.
Look, mister, are
you buyin' or selling?
I'm takin'.
Give me your money.
- Uh...
- Give me your money!
It's in the safe.
Well, go get it.
(TENSE MUSIC)
Walter!
- What do you...
- Uh-uh.
- You Walter?
- Yeah.
You're gonna go back in
there and get all the money
out of that safe, or I'm
gonna spill her brains
all over your place here.
Okay, okay, calm down.
Get goin', go!
(TENSE MUSIC)
You know, mister, you don't
seem like the criminal type.
You don't know
shit from Shinola.
You're makin' a big mistake.
Uh-uh, right there, Walter.
- Right, here, here.
- Put it on the counter.
Here, just take
it, take it and go.
- Is that everything, Walter?
- This is everything.
'Cause if I find out
you're holdin' back on me,
I'm gonna come back, I'm
gonna pop both your asses.
It's everything, I swear.
(POLICE SIREN WAILING)
Fuck is that, Walter?
You called the cops?
I didn't call the cops.
Fuckin' liar, you
called the fuckin' cops!
I didn't call
the fucking cops!
Fuck!
What the fuck!
(GUN FIRES)
God!
(LOUISE SCREAMING)
(GUN FIRES)
(FLESH SQUELCHES)
(GUN FIRING)
(GLASS SHATTERING)
(TENSE MUSIC WITH
WOMAN VOCALIZING)
It wasn't my fault,
he shot first.
You tell that to her kids.
Quite the model citizen.
Armed robbery, grand theft,
assault, battery.
I love this one in '96.
You beat a guy half to
death with a metal pipe.
You got what, four years?
(WARM MUSIC WITH WOMEN
SINGING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE)
Who are you?
I told you already.
Yeah, you told me your name,
but who the fuck are you huh?
I'm a prosecutor for the
Department of Perspicacity.
Department of what?
Perspicacity, to
assess situations
or circumstances shrewdly and
to draw sound conclusions.
I don't expect a monkey
like you to get that.
Look, okay.
I just need you to sign this,
and you can be on your way.
What's this for?
It's a formality.
I ain't signin' it.
You already confessed, Jimmy,
so if you'll just sign this,
you can be on your merry way.
(TENSE PENSIVE MUSIC)
I sign this, I get to go?
BALTHAZAR: Mm-hmm.
(TENSE PENSIVE MUSIC)
Don't sign a thing.
Sorry I'm late.
May I?
I'm sorry, who are you?
Cassiel.
I'm representing the defendant.
Yeah, well, no one told me.
Last minute decision upstairs.
Yeah, well, I should
have been notified.
Sorry, above your pay grade.
(LAUGHS) Above my.
Who sent you?
Clemency and Exculpation.
Clemency and what?
Exculpation.
Never heard of it.
My client has been
read his rights?
No.
He has rights.
Your client pogged a
mother of three in the head,
so he's gonna burn,
that's a fact.
I don't know what you think
you're gonna accomplish here.
I want a complete pardon.
BALTHAZAR: Hmm?
A complete pardon.
You must be joking, right?
Am I being punked?
Did my boss put you up to this?
'Cause they love fucking
with me, those assholes.
I'm not joking.
I never joke.
Look, you must be new.
He's already confessed, so
why don't you waltz on back
to Clemency and...
Exculpation.
Right.
Honey, waltz on back there,
you take your fancy clothes
and your holier-than-thou
attitude with it.
First of all,
do not ever call me honey.
Ever.
Second, if there really
were nothing I could do,
I wouldn't be down here
wasting my time, would I?
Fine.
You wanna try and
save this monkey?
Go right ahead,
law's on my side.
I've been doing this
for a long time.
I know how it's gonna end.
We'll see.
I'm gonna go and
check this out.
Clemency and?
Exploitation.
Yeah.
Right.
Who thought that
shit up, the old man?
(TENSE MUSIC)
Sam.
Balthazar, how's
it hangin', brother?
Same old, same old, you?
Can't complain.
You know, you win
some, lose some.
I might get that record
of yours one day, though.
Yeah.
Hey, have you,
you ever dealt
with Clemency and...
Exculpation?
Yeah.
Yeah, they're here?
Yeah, why?
I had a run-in with
them a few years back.
You gotta watch yourself.
Man, this broad, she
couldn't find her way
out of a paper bag.
(CELL PHONE RINGING)
Yeah, I gotta take this.
Do your thing, man.
Like I said, watch yourself.
BALTHAZAR: Yeah.
(WARBLED SPEAKING)
(TENSE MUSIC)
So, James, let's
go over your defense.
What defense?
I did the crime,
I'll do the time.
I don't think you
fully understand.
What's to understand?
(SIGHS) You are dead.
(LAUGHS) What?
CASSIEL: You died hours ago.
You were shot in the back
and taken to the hospital,
and pronounced
dead upon arrival,
and now you're here.
(TENSE PENSIVE MUSIC)
JIMMY: Hmm.
(TENSE PENSIVE MUSIC)
Okay, you check out.
Know that my supervisor's
filing a formal complaint.
Great.
And I want a
stenographer present.
What?
I'm not approved for that.
We're not pickin' up the tab.
Hello.
(WARBLED SPEAKING)
Give me a stenographer.
(WARBLED SPEAKING)
(CASSIEL CLEARS THROAT)
Can someone tell me
what the hell is goin' on?
He's your client,
you tell him.
Okay, okay.
Jimmy, when people
die, people like you,
when there's some doubt as to
how they've lived their lives,
those people face judgment,
judgment for their sins.
And we're here to look at
your life and make a decision.
Do you want to spit it out?
Heaven or hell.
Heaven or hell?
It's a lot to take in, I know.
So where am I now then?
Limbo.
Limbo.
What is that?
It's a neutral place
between heaven and hell.
Closer to hell,
it's more like Jersey.
I don't get any of this.
He's not the sharpest
tool in the shed,
your client, is he?
Let's just keep
it professional.
You represent heaven
however you want,
and I'll represent
hell how I want.
Wait, are you tryin' to
tell me that you're God,
and you're the devil?
No.
They're too busy to deal
with assholes like you.
We're just hired help.
We're angels.
You two are batshit
fuckin' crazy, you know that?
Look, we're wasting time.
I have a full schedule,
so why are we bothering
to explain anything
to this loser?
He is human.
He is a talking monkey.
God made them in his grace.
What have they done
to deserve God's love?
Nothing.
Let me tell you
something, Cassiel,
there is no way
that this low-life
scum-sucking piece of shit
is getting into heaven
whilst I'm stuck here.
(DRAMATIC TENSE MUSIC)
Balthazar, I haven't
seen you since, uh,
was it Leopold?
(LAUGHS) That crazy Belgian.
He was fun.
It's been a while.
What have you been up to?
Oh, you know, the usual.
Torment and torture, mostly.
Last month, they had us
sweeping out the pit of fire.
Talk about a mess.
One big human barbecue.
Yeah, I still have people
stuck between my toes.
Oh.
I...
I haven't had the pleasure
of making your acquaintance.
I'm Philitonus,
but you can call me Phil.
Cassiel.
Who's he, another
fuckin' angel?
No, he's a demon.
Oh, gosh, no.
Not a full demon, a minor
demon, Second Order.
I serve the almighty
and powerful Moloch,
prince of the country of tears
and grand cross of the Order.
Thought demons were
supposed to be red, had tails,
ugly and shit.
Oh, he's ugly.
Well, he is the
vile spawn of Lucifer.
He may be a vile spawn, but
he's a damn good stenographer.
Thank you, Balthazar.
I'm actually pretty excited.
I haven't worked with
Clemency and Exculpation
in quite a while.
Last time was Hitler,
or was it Nixon?
I can't remember which.
So many souls.
Okay, I'm ready.
(WARBLED SPEAKING)
Louise Catherine
Parker, deceased 2016.
(WARBLED SPEAKING)
(TENSE MUSIC)
Louise Parker.
(TENSE MUSIC)
Thank you for coming.
Oh, I wouldn't miss
it for the world.
(TENSE MUSIC)
You're alive.
No, I'm dead, dumbass!
You shot me in the
face, remember?
I didn't deserve this.
I just wanted to
sell you a chainsaw.
No, this is some
sort of bad dream.
(SHARP SLAPPING)
Did that feel like a dream?
(MELANCHOLIC PENSIVE MUSIC)
You took my children
away from me.
My babies have no mother.
Their babies have
no grandmother.
I will never get to
see their birthdays,
or their prom,
or their graduation,
or see their weddings,
or their children.
(MELANCHOLIC PENSIVE MUSIC)
I won't get to see any of it.
(MELANCHOLIC PENSIVE MUSIC)
All because of you, you prick!
(MELANCHOLIC PENSIVE MUSIC)
(LOUISE CRYING SOFTLY)
For the record, is this
the man who shot you?
Oh, yes.
Let the record
show that the witness
has positively
identified the defendant,
James Allen Boyle,
as her attacker.
Well, we're done here.
Could you please
escort Mrs. Parker out?
I hope that they reserve a
special place in hell for you.
Prosecution rests.
I'm really dead, Cassiel?
Yes.
Goddamn.
Hey, watch your language!
It's your turn, Counselor.
I would
like to start with an
opening statement, mm-hmm.
And if I smoke?
Would it matter if I said no?
BALTHAZAR: Mm-mm.
How do you smoke those?
Hoping they'll take a
few years off my life.
You're immortal.
It's called sarcasm.
Okay.
On September 20th, James
Allen Boyle did knowingly
and willingly murder Louise
Catherine Parker in cold blood.
These are the facts, and the
facts are not in dispute.
However, there are
extenuating circumstances,
circumstances that
will mitigate the facts
and raise reasonable doubt,
circumstances that will
exonerate my client
and render a favorable
final judgment.
What extenuating circumstances
are we talking about?
Well.
Cut the bullshit,
is it a redemption?
Yes.
(BALTHAZAR LAUGHS SOFTLY)
What's so funny?
Phil, 2,000 years, have
you ever seen a redemption?
No, no, I never have.
What's a redemption?
Salvation for your sins.
It's an obscure loophole.
Okay, okay, so
how do you get it?
To completely redeem
from sin by self sacrifice
requires a single selfless act,
entirely unmotivated
by personal gain.
It doesn't work.
Why doesn't it work?
It's a bit of a gray area.
So it's subjective.
So there is a chance.
You're not exactly
representing Mother Teresa.
Look, Cassiel, level with
me, brother to sister.
Why all the fuss
over Jimmy Boyle?
Because I deal with tens
of thousands of humans,
and I never hear a peep
out of the head office.
So why this guy?
All I know is that
it is very important.
To who?
Boss?
Why don't you go
ask him yourself?
Me and him, we're not
exactly on speaking terms.
Haven't been in over
a thousand years.
(STENOTYPE KEYS CLACKING SOFTLY)
(ROOM RUMBLING)
(OMINOUS BREATHING)
Hello, hello!
(PHIL GASPS SOFTLY)
BALTHAZAR: Who are you?
I'm from headquarters.
So what do you want?
Checkin' on your progress.
I'm doin' just fine.
Not from where
I'm standing, buddy.
I know you angels, a
bunch of bleeding hearts.
Boss wants this one
wrapped up quick.
What's takin' so long?
Clemency.
Exculpation.
Really, never heard of 'em.
I'm here to...
I wasn't talkin' to you,
bitch, I'm talkin' to you.
A little professional
courtesy, please.
Do I look like I give a
shit what you think, angel?
What's going on here?
They're claiming a redemption.
You don't say, a redemption.
Do they have a case?
I don't know yet.
You don't know, why not?
I thought you were good.
Because I haven't
heard their argument yet.
Good, 'cause I don't
wanna hear any excuses.
Do your fuckin' job
and convict the monkey,
or I'll have you wiping my ass
for the next thousand years.
Do you wanna dial
back a little, buddy?
Remember who you're talking to.
I know exactly
who I'm talking to.
You aren't under his
protection anymore.
You blew your chance
in heaven, pal.
Now you work for us.
What's your name?
Fuck you, that's my name.
I am a crown prince of
hell, the lord of arrogance,
and the father of Lucifer.
I command 80 legions of demons
and reign over the
northern reaches!
That's my name!
And your name is
Lick My Hairy Balls,
'cause that's all
you're good for,
you lousy, worthless
piece of shit.
You know, you angels,
you're all the same.
I bet you're still
wringing your hands
over being cast out of heaven.
"Oh, woe is me!"
Well, I have one thing to say.
Close this now, or
your ass is mine.
(OMINOUS WHIRRING)
Oh, man.
No, thanks.
Gonna go speak
to my supervisor.
Yeah, you know, I have to
go make a phone call too.
Was that the devil?
No.
That's Belial,
the demon of lies and guilt.
He's very powerful.
He's also president
of the bowling league.
I hate bowling.
Then you'll probably
be seeing a lot of him.
JIMMY: You live here?
Yes.
How long?
Oh, gosh, since the
beginning of history.
You like it?
I love my job.
I meet so many
interesting people.
Look, Phil, be honest with me.
If I go to hell, what's
gonna happen to me?
Well, it's different
for everyone.
There's burning, of course,
a lot of burning options,
and sometimes, they come
up with clever ideas,
like making you crawl
naked through broken glass,
or jamming a red-hot poker up
your behind, things like that.
Jesus.
Oh, oh, oh, I almost
forgot this one.
They stick you in a room
full of horny demons
with cocks the size
of baseball bats.
That one's very popular.
Popular for who?
Well, the demons
seem to like it.
Shit.
If you don't mind my
asking, what's it like
where you're from?
- Los Angeles?
- Uh-huh.
It's a shit hole.
Oh.
So you didn't like it?
No.
Oh, dear.
Some day, maybe I'll get to
visit the material world.
There's so many
beautiful things to see.
Like what?
Oh, gosh!
The sun rising over
the temple in Angkor,
the Grand Bazaar in Istanbul,
the Great Wall of
China at sunset,
Times Square on a
cold New Year's Eve,
Disneyland, the happiest
place on Earth! (LAUGHS)
(JIMMY LAUGHING SOFTLY)
You really believe
all that, don't you?
Yes.
(WARM PENSIVE MUSIC)
JIMMY: What do you think,
Phil, do I have a chance?
Well, the angel,
I don't know what she
has up her sleeve.
But Balthazar,
he's good, real good.
What are the odds?
A snowball's chance
in you-know-where.
(EERIE WHISPERING)
(OMINOUS PENSIVE MUSIC)
Yes.
Yeah, I'll hold.
(OMINOUS PENSIVE MUSIC)
(EERIE WHISPERING)
What's the matter, Counselor?
No one's answering.
What?
No one is answering
at the moment.
Maybe you're being
hung out to dry.
Do you always
assume the worst?
Yeah.
I'm in hell, so doesn't exactly
inspire happy thoughts, huh?
(OMINOUS TENSE MUSIC)
(EERIE WHISPERING)
Oh, is it warm in here?
(LAUGHS SOFTLY)
Feels good to me.
So have you heard the
one about the four nuns?
Do we have to?
It's very funny.
Four nuns are standing in a line
outside the gates of heaven.
Peter asks the first nun
if she's ever sinned.
She says, "Well, once I
looked at a man's penis."
Peter tells her to put
some holy water on her eyes
and she may enter heaven.
Then Peter asks the second
nun the same question.
She says, "Well, once I
touched a man's penis."
Peter tells her to put her
hand in the holy water,
and she may enter heaven.
Suddenly, the fourth nun
pushes past the third nun,
and Peter asks her, "Why did
you push her out of the way?"
And the fourth nun says,
"Because I wanted
to drink the water
"before she sticks
her ass in it!"
(JIMMY LAUGHS)
(PHIL LAUGHS)
I don't get it.
Well, I have a
million nun jokes.
Do you wanna hear another?
No, thank you.
Something wrong?
Somebody's really itching
to see old Jimmy here fry.
Well, what do you wanna do?
Continue.
Okay, I will call
my first witness.
Oh, oh, that's hell?
(WARBLED SPEAKING)
Oh, yes, hello.
Henry Jefferson Lamb, please.
(WARBLED SPEAKING)
Henry Lamb.
Thank you.
(EERIE BREATHING)
Henry Jefferson Lamb.
Ooh!
Damn, it's nice
and cool in here.
What's all this about?
We require your testimony.
Shit!
Oh, you can have
whatever you want,
if it keeps me outta
hell for a while.
I'll tell you my whole
life story if you'd like.
I was born a poor black child.
CASSIEL: That's
not necessary.
(HENRY COUGHING)
Fuckin' sulfur.
Do I know you?
Mr. Lamb, is it true
that you were once living
with a Mary Florence Boyle?
Maybe.
Had a lotta women in my day.
Pretty girls, like
you, on each arm.
I could walk into any
bar, have my pick.
Hey, why don't you and me
go find us an empty room?
I'll put a smile on that
pretty little face of yours.
I can have you shipped
back right now if you want.
No, no, no, no, it's cool.
I'm just playin'.
20 years in hell leaves a
man with some serious wood.
Mary Florence Boyle.
What about her?
You two had a son together.
So?
So, tell me about him.
Yeah.
He's a fuckin'
loser, like his mama.
CASSIEL: Why do you say that?
She's a junkie whore.
Apple don't fall
far from the tree.
And what do you mean by that?
Shit, I always knew
that kid was gonna wind up
bein' a nothin'.
I tried to straighten him out.
You know what they say,
you spare that rod,
you spoil that child.
Why don't you try
tellin' the truth?
What?
Why don't you tell
these people who you were?
And who's that?
A fuckin' drunk that
used her for a punchin' bag
every single night.
When you got tired of
her, you came after me.
(TENSE MUSIC)
Jimmy?
Hello, Dad.
Damn, you look old.
And you look like the same
piece of shit you always were.
You still got that
mouth on ya, don't ya?
Yeah, I'd like to see
you have a go at me now.
You wanna measure dicks?
(TENSE MUSIC)
Looks like you're gonna be
joinin' me here real soon.
So why don't we give it a whirl,
and put on a good
show for old scratch?
(TENSE MUSIC)
You know, I think
I've seen enough.
You can take him back, please.
I want you to come
see me some time.
I'll show you a big
slice of heaven. (LAUGHS)
(TENSE MUSIC)
I'll see you in hell.
(TENSE MUSIC)
BALTHAZAR: So
what does that prove?
It's a fact that abused
and neglected children
are more likely to
become criminals.
Boo-fuckin'-hoo.
I got daddy issues.
Didn't keep me outta hell.
I'm just establishing
that Jimmy here
is the victim of a
cycle of violence.
My heart bleeds.
CASSIEL: Have you
forgotten what it's like
to have any sympathy at all?
For these monkeys?
No.
Are we done here?
'Cause I don't see
anything redeeming.
Well, there is the girl.
What girl?
Angela Burnett.
Angela?
(MELANCHOLIC PENSIVE MUSIC)
(POLICE SIREN
WAILING IN DISTANCE)
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
The fuck do you want?
Uh, um, I probably
have the wrong place.
Do you know Angela?
- She here?
- No.
- She's really cute.
- Get the fuck outta here.
Like about this high.
ANGELA: Mm, yeah.
(MAN MOANING)
Oh, yeah, that's bad.
- Harder.
- Oh, my God!
Oh, boy.
ANGELA: Yes, sweetie.
Harder.
(MAN MOANING)
- Angela.
- Mm, yeah.
Angela.
ANGELA: Mm, harder.
(BED CREAKING)
(MUFFLED SPEAKING)
(PENSIVE MUSIC WITH
WOMAN VOCALIZING)
You Angela?
ANGELA: Hmm?
Are you Angela?
ANGELA: Yeah, why?
Some asshole came
to my door last night,
woke me up in the middle of
the night lookin' for you.
(MUMBLES) Sorry.
Yeah.
Here's the thing, Angela.
Tell your customers to
keep it down at night.
Some of us are tryin' to sleep.
I'm really sorry.
Hey, didn't catch your name.
I didn't throw it.
Well, nice to meet you anyway.
It's Jimmy.
ANGELA: Hi, Jimmy.
Angela.
Okay, I can see
where this is going.
Really?
Let me guess,
criminal meets girl,
criminal befriends girl,
criminal saves girl
and goes to heaven.
That's not gonna happen.
You know the rules,
it has to be documented.
A jumbo jet went down in
the Baltic Sea last night,
so I actually have a
plane load to process.
So shall we get on with this?
Yes, Jimmy, think back.
It's a hell of a
shiner you got there.
I ran into a door.
Really?
Yeah.
Door shaped like a fist?
No, it was a door.
JIMMY: Right.
You callin' me a liar?
No, just don't piss on my
leg and tell me it's rain.
Okay, it wasn't a door.
JIMMY: No shit.
But he didn't mean it,
he just lost his temper
for a second, that's all.
Pimp or a John?
What?
The door that hit
you like a Mack truck,
was it a pimp or a John?
My boyfriend.
Pimp.
He's not a pimp,
he's my manager.
Manager, is that what
they're callin' it these days?
He takes care of me.
Clearly.
What?
Nothing.
CASSIEL: What happened next?
Can you remember anything,
anything positive?
(POLICE SIREN WAILING)
(TENSE MUSIC)
Sergei.
Spot me 10.
10 grand?
And why would I do that, huh?
Come on, man, I'm good for it.
I trust you about
as far as I can spit.
What do you want?
Whatever, whatever it
takes, come on, please.
(TENSE MUSIC)
Okay.
15 points,
and I want it back in a week.
Yeah.
One week, you hear me?
Or I send Anatoli over to
break your fuckin' kneecaps,
maybe take a few
fingers, it's up to you.
(TENSE MUSIC)
I raise 10.
(TENSE MUSIC)
(JIMMY SIGHS)
One week, Jimmy,
or I send Anatoli
over to collect.
(TENSE PENSIVE MUSIC)
(MELANCHOLIC PENSIVE MUSIC)
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
ANGELA: Jimmy.
JIMMY: Go away!
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
ANGELA: Jimmy, it's me.
Fuck.
Hey, pal.
What do you want?
I'm locked outta my place.
So?
So I'm bored.
You wanna get something to eat?
No, I'm not hungry.
Wanna get coffee?
I don't drink coffee,
I fuckin' hate coffee.
Well, then, can I come in?
No clients today?
No, I'm taking the day off.
Yeah, what's your
manager say about that?
He's not gonna be too
happy, that's for sure.
JIMMY: No, I bet he's not.
You wanna chat?
Chat?
You know, converse,
rap, prattle.
No.
Come on, you have no
one else to talk to.
I hate talking.
A single conversation
with a wise man
is better than 10 years
of studying books.
Clearly, you have me
confused with a wise man.
Who said that shit anyway?
Longfellow.
Is that a porn star?
A famous poet.
Oh, poet, course.
(WARM PENSIVE MUSIC)
I'm gonna be a poet some day.
What?
I'm gonna be a poet some day.
(LAUGHS) That is funny.
A hooker that's a poet.
I'm not gonna do
this forever, asshole!
Well, good luck with that,
payin' your bills with
your poems. (CHUCKLES)
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
FRANK: Angela!
Are you in there?
Don't answer it.
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
(TENSE MUSIC)
JIMMY: Yeah?
I'm lookin' for Angela.
She here?
Yeah, she's here.
What's goin' on?
Nothing, we're just talking.
Talking?
About what?
Poems.
(SIGHS DEEPLY) You're
supposed to be working.
We missed two
customers so far today.
It cost us 300 bucks.
I just want...
(PIMP MUMBLING)
Why don't you march that
sweet little ass of yours home,
and we're gonna chat
about this in private.
(TENSE MUSIC)
What's your name, mister?
(SOFT TENSE MUSIC)
Jimmy.
Well, listen up, Jimmy.
If you want to spend
time with Angela,
you gotta pay,
like everyone else.
Do you understand?
Angela, she knows better.
I'm gonna have to
remind her again,
if you catch my drift.
But being that you
didn't know the rules,
I'm gonna let you slide,
since we're neighbors and all.
You have a blessed day.
(TENSE MUSIC)
You did nothing.
What was I supposed to do?
Nero fiddled
while Rome burned.
Who is Nero?
I am finding it really hard
to see anything
redeemable in you.
You see, you sit here
and you defend this scum.
They don't deserve God's love.
They're all the same.
He gives them everything,
and they just spit it back
in his face, all the
same, all of them,
selfish, ungrateful monkeys.
And do you wanna
know the funny part?
The really funny part is that
he pushed us aside for them,
us, who serve him faithfully,
and do all that he
asks without question.
We fought his wars for him,
murdered first-born children
in his name, leveled
entire cities for him,
turned them into
pillars of salt.
We've been there since
the dawn of time,
just doin' all of
his dirty work.
What did we get in return?
Nothing, not a thing,
no thanks, no vacation,
not even a complimentary
set of steak knives.
(TENSE PENSIVE MUSIC)
It's not true, you know,
that Nero fiddled
while Rome burned.
Total myth.
Nero never even
played the fiddle.
He was just a big fat pervert.
The only thing he cared about
was buggering little boys.
I guess we could say that Nero
diddled while Rome burned.
(PHIL LAUGHING)
Sorry.
(CASSIEL SIGHS DEEPLY)
What's the matter, Counselor?
I mean, I was told
that this was someone
worthy of redemption.
How many cases
have you handled?
Including this one?
Yeah.
Well, there was, um...
Is this your first case?
Yeah.
What?
So where were you before?
Records and Archives.
Records and Archives.
I mean, he wouldn't
have transferred me
if he didn't believe that I
was qualified for the job.
So you actually
want to do this?
Well, of course.
It's an honor to
defend his children.
You don't even know who
his children really are.
I don't have to know.
It's all a part of his plan.
His big cosmic joke, you mean?
You're in for a rude
awakening, sister.
(TENSE MUSIC)
(EERIE WHISPERING)
I need a quick word with you.
Just spoke with the boss.
He's not happy with
how this is going,
and when he's not
happy, we all suffer.
We'll suffer when he's happy.
Look, you need
to close this now.
What's the big
deal with this case?
He wants this soul,
and what he wants,
he gets, understand?
Yeah, no problem, it's
an open-and-shut case.
Well, we're not feeling as
confident about it as you are.
Okay, so you
wanna play attorney.
What do you suggest?
Scrutiny and Inquisitions
did a little snooping,
went through this guy's
life with a fine-tooth comb,
- and they found something.
- What?
This'll put the nail
in Jimmy Boyle's coffin.
Well, I'm done
presenting evidence.
If you can't do this, I will
get someone in here who can!
You know the rules,
it's gotta be an angel.
You can't be showing up
with a fuckin' demon.
Who's talkin' about demons?
The big guy himself would
be up here in a heartbeat.
Lucifer.
You better pray that
doesn't happen, buddy.
You think I'm an
asshole? (LAUGHS)
You ain't seen nothin'.
Put this away, now.
Fuck.
(EERIE WHISPERING)
I have a new witness.
Oh, goody, I love surprises.
CASSIEL: I thought
the prosecution rested.
Yeah, I got new information.
This is highly unusual.
Look, I gave you latitude,
so could you return the favor?
All right.
(WARBLED SPEAKING)
Send up the witness.
(WARBLED SPEAKING)
Oh, oh, oh, I have a joke!
It's a good one!
A preacher, a rabbi, and
a priest walk into a bar.
Shut up.
Geez, I was just trying
to brighten everyone's day.
I like your jokes.
Thank you.
(EERIE WHISPERING)
Mary Florence Boyle.
(TENSE PENSIVE MUSIC)
Mary.
Where am I?
You're in a hearing.
We require your testimony.
They said I could have a hit,
just one little shot, please.
What is she talking about?
She's a fuckin' junkie.
Do I know you?
It's me, Ma, Jimmy!
No, no, no, no,
no, no, my Jimmy,
he's little, he's a little boy.
I'm all grown up now.
Well, then help me out, Jimmy.
Help out your ma.
Give me a shot, just one shot.
Give me my needle and fix me up.
That's my boy, steady
with that needle.
Be sure to hit the vein.
You were always
missin' the damn vein.
Shut up.
No, Jimmy, don't say that.
I'm your mama.
Some mother you were!
You're a fuckin' junkie!
Been a junkie ever
since I can remember.
You didn't give a shit about me.
You didn't give a
shit about anything,
except your next fix!
I was a good mother,
I took good care of you.
You didn't do nothin' but
shoot up and lay in bed all day,
starin' up at the ceiling
like you were dead!
Hell, you were dead!
With that shit pumpin'
through your veins,
you were as good as dead!
(TENSE PENSIVE MUSIC)
How many times did you send
me out to buy your shit?
How many times, huh?
And when we ran outta money,
where do you think
the money came from?
From Dad?
He was long gone!
I was a 12-year-old little boy,
stealin' money to buy your dope!
I remember.
I remember now.
What, what do you remember?
What he done.
What was that?
He killed me,
that's what he done.
He took a pillow and he
stuck it over my face.
He choked the life outta
me, his own mother.
(TENSE MUSIC)
Is that true?
Damn right.
I killed her.
You killed her.
She was already dead, I
just sped up the progress.
Why?
(TENSE MUSIC)
'Cause I was sick
of bein' her slave.
I was sick of
cleanin' up after her,
cleanin' her bed when she
couldn't make it to the bathroom
'cause she was so fucked up!
I was sick of the
misery and desperation,
and the smell of shit!
I was a 12-year-old boy,
just a little boy with his
whole life ahead of him,
and I didn't wanna be handcuffed
to some junkie mother,
with some fuckin' junkie life!
That's why.
(MARY WHIMPERS SOFTLY)
No.
So I killed her.
(MARY GRUNTS ANGRILY)
Guard, you can
take Mrs. Boyle out.
No.
No, they promised me, no.
I want a shot, that's
all I need, just one hit.
(EERIE WHISPERING)
(CASSIEL GRUNTS)
Easy there.
What is this?
Wormwood.
This is poison.
People call it
Devil in a Bottle.
Great taste, zero calories.
Yeah, you win.
I give up.
I quit.
You started this,
you don't wanna finish?
No.
What about me?
What about you?
There's no redemption for you.
You said you could
get me into heaven.
Well, then you shoulda
worked harder on that
while you were on Earth, Jimmy.
So you're really giving up?
Yes, I'm going back
to Records and Archives.
Why?
Because I'm very confused.
You know, I believed, I
believed what I was told.
I put my trust in God, and
now that I've actually seen
what humans can do
with my own eyes,
I don't know what
I believe anymore.
I have to go while I still
have a little faith left.
Why's that?
Because I don't
wanna lose it all,
become cynical and angry.
(PENSIVE MUSIC)
I don't wanna end up like you.
(PENSIVE MUSIC)
Wait.
CASSIEL: Why?
Look, if you really
were sent down here,
then there must be a reason.
It seems like it's
all one big cosmic joke,
like you said, right?
Look, Cassiel, I've judged
over three million souls,
and this is one endless
parade of monkeys
all on the way to hell.
And after a while, you find
it difficult to see the good
that may have existed in them.
You only see the evil,
corrupt, the wicked.
That's the thing.
Just once, I'd like
to be proven wrong.
I'd like to see what
God sees in them.
I'd like to know that
they deserve everything
that they've been given,
and if there's anyone that's
gonna do that, that's you.
Maybe Jimmy really
is beyond salvation.
Maybe he really does
deserve to go to hell,
but if you walk out right now,
if yoU leave, if you give up,
then we're never really
gonna know for sure, are we?
Not really.
(PENSIVE MUSIC)
Good.
I really like you guys.
I'm having fun.
I'm glad you're
having fun, Phil.
(EERIE WHIRRING)
Can you smell that?
Can you smell that?
That's the smell of victory.
Balthazar, quick word.
(GLASS SHATTERING)
(MUFFLED YELLING)
(WOMAN SCREAMING)
(WOMAN LAUGHING)
(MEN LAUGHING)
DEMON: Here's to
Lucifer! (LAUGHS)
Give me another one.
BARTENDER: Comin' right up.
I'm gettin' shit-faced.
BARTENDER: You're
always shit-faced.
(GRUNTS) Oh, gosh!
To hell. (LAUGHS)
So why we here?
Boss wants to
sweeten the deal.
What does that mean?
He likes you, you're a closer.
Heck, you're responsible
for a good percentage
of the souls in hell.
It's high time for a promotion
and all the benefits
that come with it.
BALTHAZAR: Promotion.
How does supervisor sound?
Supervisor.
Think about it,
upper management,
and that's just the beginning.
Corner office, full view
of the pit, nice, huh?
Wait, it gets better.
Paid vacations, stock
options, employee discounts.
Paid vacation?
Two weeks a year, all expenses
paid, anywhere you like,
within reason, of course.
Where are we talking?
Well, let's see.
North Korea is one of
our top destinations,
or how about a nice little
romantic getaway in Siberia?
If you prefer your
paradise a bit warmer,
the jungles of Colombia
might be right up your alley,
and I hear that New Jersey is
really nice this time of year.
Why the sudden goodwill?
Boss is turning
over a new leaf.
We need good people in
management, people like you.
What do you really want?
Boyle.
That's it?
Swing this case our
way, and it's all yours.
The promotion, the
vacations, the corner office.
Okay.
Let me think about it.
This is a one-time
limited offer.
I need an answer right now.
MAN: What's she doing here?
WOMAN: Is she an angel?
MAN: Throw her
ass outta here.
They told me you were here.
Yeah, sorry, we're done.
Okay, good, 'cause
I was just wondering
if we were going to finish.
Get a load of this broad!
"I was just wondering if
we were gonna finish."
Angels, so goddamn
polite, it kills me.
Please watch your language.
Oh, they teach you those
manners up there in heaven, hmm,
to be all prim and proper?
No.
You condescending
little bitch.
You think you're
better than us, do you?
Yes, you do, you
cock-sucking little slut.
Okay, you really need to stop.
Oh, really, and what are
you gonna do, call for help?
Suck the fart out of my ass,
you brain-dead puke stick!
You know the rules
here, you have no power.
This is a neutral place.
Don't you lecture
me on the rules!
Do you know who I am?
Do you know who I am?
I eat fuckers like
you for breakfast!
Okay, I've heard
just about enough,
you loudmouth
boot-licking little worm.
What?
(DEMON GROWLING)
(DEMONS MUMBLING)
What did you just say?
You heard me.
What did you just say?
Okay, okay!
I'll do it.
(TENSE MUSIC)
I said I'll do it.
(TENSE MUSIC)
I'll go get the paperwork.
You know, I still
remember the war.
When Lucifer was
cast out of heaven,
remember the creation of hell?
The sky was black and
it rained broken bodies.
I slew hundreds of your
brothers and sisters,
ripped their heads off and
pissed down their throats.
I sure do miss
the good old days.
(TENSE MUSIC)
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
Who is it?
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
(TENSE MUSIC)
What do you want?
Nothing, just hangin' out.
JIMMY: Look, I
don't want any trouble.
Frank's not here,
he'll be gone for hours.
JIMMY: Why are you here?
I like talkin'
to you, I guess.
Why?
You remind me of my dad.
Your dad, great.
He was strong,
bull-headed.
Down to earth, you know,
just someone you could
talk to about anything.
Well, why don't you go
talk to your dad then?
He's dead.
He died when I was young.
What about your mom?
She's in Encino,
we don't talk.
Do you believe in reincarnation?
What?
You know, like,
when someone dies,
and then they come
back to Earth,
but they're in a different body.
No, that's bullshit.
When you die, you die.
You're dead, end of
story, that's it, done.
So you don't
believe in heaven?
No, I don't believe in heaven.
If there's a God, he hasn't
done shit for me, not shit.
So no, I don't
believe in heaven.
So you're agnostic.
I'm what?
ANGELA: Agnostic.
What's that mean?
You're like a radical skeptic.
Where do you come up
with this bullshit, huh?
I mean, that is some crap!
I read a lot.
Well, thanks.
Are you busy?
'Cause I wanna
show you something.
No.
For me?
(PENSIVE MUSIC WITH
WOMAN VOCALIZING SOFTLY)
Well, she seems like
a really nice girl.
She likes to read.
I read a lot.
What happened next?
I went to the pawn shop.
And?
Fuckin' Walter shot me
in the back, that's what.
(CASSIEL SIGHS)
(MELANCHOLIC PENSIVE MUSIC)
I've been shot before,
but this was different.
I knew it was bad.
I knew I was gonna die,
right there in that
rat shit apartment.
(MELANCHOLIC PENSIVE MUSIC)
Jimmy?
(MELANCHOLIC PENSIVE MUSIC)
Jimmy.
Go away.
I'm gonna call an ambulance.
No!
Angela, no.
You call an ambulance,
I'm goin' to jail,
and that shit ain't happenin'.
I can't let you die.
What do you care?
Well, we're
friends, aren't we?
Not friends.
(GROANS SOFTLY) I ain't got
no friends, least of all, you.
(MELANCHOLIC PENSIVE MUSIC)
You need help and
I can help you, okay?
(SCOFFS) How can you help me?
You and I, we should
just run away together.
Drive to Mexico or something.
(JIMMY COUGHING AND WHEEZING)
(JIMMY LAUGHING)
I ain't got a car.
(JIMMY COUGHING)
So we'll find one, we'll
steal one, or something.
What about Frank?
(MELANCHOLIC PENSIVE MUSIC)
He'll never let me leave.
(MELANCHOLIC PENSIVE MUSIC
WITH WOMAN VOCALIZING)
We should go to
Mexico. (GRUNTS)
(MELANCHOLIC PENSIVE MUSIC
WITH WOMAN VOCALIZING)
What are you doing?
Jimmy.
(MELANCHOLIC PENSIVE MUSIC
WITH WOMAN VOCALIZING)
FRANK: Jimmy, what
the fuck do you want?
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
(GUN FIRES)
(BODY THUDDING)
(GUN FIRING)
(WOMAN SCREAMING)
(MELANCHOLIC PENSIVE MUSIC
WITH WOMAN VOCALIZING)
Wow.
I never saw that coming.
So what are you gonna do?
(PENSIVE MUSIC)
You have to pass judgment.
(PENSIVE MUSIC)
I rule in favor
of the defendant.
What's that mean?
It means you're not
going to hell, Jimmy.
I'm not?
Oh, goody!
I just love a happy ending.
(EERIE WHISPERING)
(SOFT TENSE MUSIC)
She done chipped
my fingernail.
Hey, Delores?
(WARBLED SPEAKING)
Hello, my dear.
Would you be so kind as
schedule me another appointment
this afternoon?
(WARBLED SPEAKING)
Who are you?
(LUCIFER SHUSHING)
(WARBLED SPEAKING)
You're just gonna
have to bump Mr. Meth.
(WARBLED SPEAKING)
Yes.
Thank you, my dear.
You know, 10 million
Koreans in hell.
I still can't find a decent
manicurist amongst 'em.
Go figure, huh?
I'm sorry, what were you saying?
Who are you?
I go by many names.
The Buddhists, they
call me (MUMBLES),
and the Hebrews refer to
me as the Morningstar.
The French, I'm told,
they be referrin' to me
as the Lord of the Flies.
But that's the French for you.
And you?
You can call me Brother.
Lucifer.
In the flesh, ma'am.
You are not my brother.
Oh, Sis!
Sis, you cut me to the quick.
Now, Phil.
Boss.
You behavin' yourself?
Yes, Boss.
Mm-hmm.
And
Balthazar.
Nice seein' you again, Son.
Been a while.
Why are you here?
What's so important that the
Prince of Darkness himself
has to make a
personal appearance?
I just wanted to drop in,
make sure that justice
has been served.
So,
is it?
BALTHAZAR: Of course.
And what is the verdict?
Jimmy Boyle is pardoned.
Pardoned, huh?
You sure about that?
Yes.
You know the rules, don't you?
One good deed does not undo
a lifetime of bad ones.
I think...
I'm not the slightest bit
interested in what you think.
I'm interested in what
young Balthazar here thinks.
So?
I've made my decision.
(TENSE PENSIVE MUSIC)
I want you to think real
careful about this, Balthazar.
I want you to remember
who you're talkin' to here,
'cause I know that you
won't wanna make a decision
that's gonna displease me.
After all, I can make your
life a livin' hell for,
well, eternity.
(TENSE PENSIVE MUSIC)
You understand that, Sonny?
I understand.
Good, so, what's
it to be then?
(TENSE PENSIVE MUSIC)
Heaven.
And is that your final answer?
Yes.
(TENSE PENSIVE MUSIC)
Okay, well then, that's it.
What that's it?
LUCIFER: Oh, yeah,
yeah, yeah, that's it.
But you're not angry.
C'est la vie.
This is a trick, right?
No, no, this is
not a trick, no.
No, you're free to go.
I release you from
all your obligations,
but Jimmy, Jimmy, however,
he's gotta stay with me.
JIMMY AND CASSIEL: What?
- No!
- Yeah, you can leave here
and return to heaven.
But Jimmy.
Jimmy was screwed
from day one.
Do I have to spell
it out for you, Son?
No, this was never about Jimmy.
It was always about you.
So none of this mattered.
Oh, pipe down.
You wanted a
redemption, you got one.
CASSIEL: Hmm.
Why?
You'd have to ask
Daddy about that.
It's his idea, after all.
What Daddy wants,
he tends to get.
Well, you're free to go,
but Jimmy Boyle's soul
is mine.
No, wait, he
ruled in my favor!
This isn't fair!
I don't deserve this.
Oh, it's the pit of
hell for you, young James.
No!
Unless.
What?
I'll do anything.
Can you do a manicure?
Damn, I thought as
much, take him away.
(PENSIVE MUSIC)
It's been real, but I
gotta go now, so toodles.
Oh, Balthazar.
Yes?
Don't be a stranger now.
Well, I haven't had
this much fun in years!
Not since Vlad the Impaler,
and that was a real circus,
let me tell you.
It was a pleasure
to work with you.
Likewise.
I'm going to miss
you, Balthazar.
Goodbye, Phil.
Don't take any wooden
nickels! (LAUGHS)
So, what now?
Well, I guess it's back
to Records and Archives.
I don't think I'm
cut out for this.
You were great.
I lost my only case.
Sorry.
Don't be.
Heaven lost a soul
but gained an angel.
See you upstairs.
What's the matter?
Thinking, maybe
I'll miss this room.
Well, I hear there's
a position opening up
in Clemency and Exculpation.
No, can't even pronounce it.
Goodbye, Balthazar.
Bye, Cassiel.
(WARM PENSIVE MUSIC
WITH WOMAN VOCALIZING)
Oh, oh, oh, here's a good one.
Three sex offenders go to hell,
and Lucifer tells 'em,
for their punishments,
he's gonna cut off each
one of their dicks.
So he goes to the
first guy and he asks
what his father
did for a living.
And the first guy says,
"Well, he was a lumberjack."
And Lucifer says, "Fine,"
and he pulls out a chainsaw
and cuts the guy's dick off.
Then he goes to the second guy
and asks what his father did
for a living.
And the guy says,
"Well, he was a doctor."
And Lucifer takes a scalpel
and cuts the guy's dick off.
Then he goes to the third guy,
but the third guy is rolling
around on the floor laughing.
And Lucifer says, "What
are you laughing at?
"You saw what I just
did to the other two."
And the third guy
says, "Yeah, I know,
"but my dad made popsicles!"
You get it, popsicles?
Oh, dear.
♪ Livin' in the world
of mass confusion ♪
♪ Where contentment's
hard to find ♪
♪ Livin' in the
days of revelation ♪
♪ With old Satan close behind ♪
♪ I've been talked
about and laughed at ♪
♪ I've been locked
out in the cold ♪
♪ But I don't aim
to give old Satan ♪
♪ Any claim upon my soul ♪
♪ You'd better look around ♪
♪ You'd better look around ♪
♪ You better be wonderin'
what salvation's all about ♪
♪ You better believe
and understand ♪
♪ Before old Satan
takes your hand ♪
♪ He's gonna take you,
but it ain't gonna be ♪
♪ To the promised land ♪
♪ You'd better look around ♪
♪ You'd better look around ♪
♪ You better be wonderin'
what salvation's all about ♪
♪ You better believe
and understand ♪
♪ Before old Satan
takes your hand ♪
♪ He's gonna take you,
but it ain't gonna be ♪
♪ To the promised land ♪
of mass confusion ♪
♪ Where contentment's
hard to find ♪
♪ Livin' in the
days of revelation ♪
♪ With old Satan close behind ♪
♪ I've been talked
about and laughed at ♪
♪ I've been locked
out in the cold ♪
♪ But I don't aim
to give old Satan ♪
♪ Any claim upon my soul ♪
♪ You better look around ♪
♪ You better look around ♪
♪ You better be wonderin'
what salvation's all about ♪
♪ You better believe
and understand ♪
♪ Before old Satan
takes your hand ♪
♪ He's gonna take you,
but it ain't gonna be ♪
♪ To the promised land ♪
♪ You better look around ♪
♪ You better look around ♪
♪ You better be wonderin'
what salvation's all about ♪
♪ You better believe
and understand ♪
♪ Before old Satan
takes your hand ♪
♪ He's gonna take you,
but it ain't gonna be ♪
♪ To the promised land ♪
(CAR ENGINE RUMBLING)
(CAR REVVING)
(TENSE MUSIC)
(GUN FIRES)
(FLESH SQUELCHES)
Do you know why you're here?
How you got here?
Do you know who you are?
No.
It's post-traumatic
amnesia, it's normal.
Should start to get
your memory back soon.
I don't remember shit.
Your name is Jimmy Boyle.
You were transported
here from the hospital.
Hospital?
Who are you?
My name is Balthazar.
I know my rights.
Your rights?
I get a phone call.
You're not under arrest.
Then I'm outta here.
What the hell?
Where's the goddamn exit?
(TENSE PENSIVE MUSIC)
Can't keep me here if
I'm not under arrest.
(TENSE PENSIVE MUSIC)
(DOORKNOB RATTLING)
(POUNDING ON DOOR)
Open the goddamn door!
She's dead.
What?
The woman you shot.
What are you talkin' about?
You splattered her
brains over half the store.
That's bullshit.
You'll be happy to
know she had three kids.
Congratulations, you managed
to orphan an entire family
with a single bullet.
(TENSE PENSIVE MUSIC)
Think.
(PENSIVE MUSIC)
(DOOR BUZZING)
LOUISE: Mornin'.
What can I do for ya?
Just lookin'.
Anything in particular?
No, just lookin'.
I can make you a great deal
on a Tiger 20-inch
gas-powered chainsaw.
Chainsaw?
What am I gonna do with
a chainsaw in Hollywood,
cut down fuckin' palm trees?
LOUISE: I don't rightly know.
I don't need a
fuckin' chainsaw.
Look, mister, are
you buyin' or selling?
I'm takin'.
Give me your money.
- Uh...
- Give me your money!
It's in the safe.
Well, go get it.
(TENSE MUSIC)
Walter!
- What do you...
- Uh-uh.
- You Walter?
- Yeah.
You're gonna go back in
there and get all the money
out of that safe, or I'm
gonna spill her brains
all over your place here.
Okay, okay, calm down.
Get goin', go!
(TENSE MUSIC)
You know, mister, you don't
seem like the criminal type.
You don't know
shit from Shinola.
You're makin' a big mistake.
Uh-uh, right there, Walter.
- Right, here, here.
- Put it on the counter.
Here, just take
it, take it and go.
- Is that everything, Walter?
- This is everything.
'Cause if I find out
you're holdin' back on me,
I'm gonna come back, I'm
gonna pop both your asses.
It's everything, I swear.
(POLICE SIREN WAILING)
Fuck is that, Walter?
You called the cops?
I didn't call the cops.
Fuckin' liar, you
called the fuckin' cops!
I didn't call
the fucking cops!
Fuck!
What the fuck!
(GUN FIRES)
God!
(LOUISE SCREAMING)
(GUN FIRES)
(FLESH SQUELCHES)
(GUN FIRING)
(GLASS SHATTERING)
(TENSE MUSIC WITH
WOMAN VOCALIZING)
It wasn't my fault,
he shot first.
You tell that to her kids.
Quite the model citizen.
Armed robbery, grand theft,
assault, battery.
I love this one in '96.
You beat a guy half to
death with a metal pipe.
You got what, four years?
(WARM MUSIC WITH WOMEN
SINGING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE)
Who are you?
I told you already.
Yeah, you told me your name,
but who the fuck are you huh?
I'm a prosecutor for the
Department of Perspicacity.
Department of what?
Perspicacity, to
assess situations
or circumstances shrewdly and
to draw sound conclusions.
I don't expect a monkey
like you to get that.
Look, okay.
I just need you to sign this,
and you can be on your way.
What's this for?
It's a formality.
I ain't signin' it.
You already confessed, Jimmy,
so if you'll just sign this,
you can be on your merry way.
(TENSE PENSIVE MUSIC)
I sign this, I get to go?
BALTHAZAR: Mm-hmm.
(TENSE PENSIVE MUSIC)
Don't sign a thing.
Sorry I'm late.
May I?
I'm sorry, who are you?
Cassiel.
I'm representing the defendant.
Yeah, well, no one told me.
Last minute decision upstairs.
Yeah, well, I should
have been notified.
Sorry, above your pay grade.
(LAUGHS) Above my.
Who sent you?
Clemency and Exculpation.
Clemency and what?
Exculpation.
Never heard of it.
My client has been
read his rights?
No.
He has rights.
Your client pogged a
mother of three in the head,
so he's gonna burn,
that's a fact.
I don't know what you think
you're gonna accomplish here.
I want a complete pardon.
BALTHAZAR: Hmm?
A complete pardon.
You must be joking, right?
Am I being punked?
Did my boss put you up to this?
'Cause they love fucking
with me, those assholes.
I'm not joking.
I never joke.
Look, you must be new.
He's already confessed, so
why don't you waltz on back
to Clemency and...
Exculpation.
Right.
Honey, waltz on back there,
you take your fancy clothes
and your holier-than-thou
attitude with it.
First of all,
do not ever call me honey.
Ever.
Second, if there really
were nothing I could do,
I wouldn't be down here
wasting my time, would I?
Fine.
You wanna try and
save this monkey?
Go right ahead,
law's on my side.
I've been doing this
for a long time.
I know how it's gonna end.
We'll see.
I'm gonna go and
check this out.
Clemency and?
Exploitation.
Yeah.
Right.
Who thought that
shit up, the old man?
(TENSE MUSIC)
Sam.
Balthazar, how's
it hangin', brother?
Same old, same old, you?
Can't complain.
You know, you win
some, lose some.
I might get that record
of yours one day, though.
Yeah.
Hey, have you,
you ever dealt
with Clemency and...
Exculpation?
Yeah.
Yeah, they're here?
Yeah, why?
I had a run-in with
them a few years back.
You gotta watch yourself.
Man, this broad, she
couldn't find her way
out of a paper bag.
(CELL PHONE RINGING)
Yeah, I gotta take this.
Do your thing, man.
Like I said, watch yourself.
BALTHAZAR: Yeah.
(WARBLED SPEAKING)
(TENSE MUSIC)
So, James, let's
go over your defense.
What defense?
I did the crime,
I'll do the time.
I don't think you
fully understand.
What's to understand?
(SIGHS) You are dead.
(LAUGHS) What?
CASSIEL: You died hours ago.
You were shot in the back
and taken to the hospital,
and pronounced
dead upon arrival,
and now you're here.
(TENSE PENSIVE MUSIC)
JIMMY: Hmm.
(TENSE PENSIVE MUSIC)
Okay, you check out.
Know that my supervisor's
filing a formal complaint.
Great.
And I want a
stenographer present.
What?
I'm not approved for that.
We're not pickin' up the tab.
Hello.
(WARBLED SPEAKING)
Give me a stenographer.
(WARBLED SPEAKING)
(CASSIEL CLEARS THROAT)
Can someone tell me
what the hell is goin' on?
He's your client,
you tell him.
Okay, okay.
Jimmy, when people
die, people like you,
when there's some doubt as to
how they've lived their lives,
those people face judgment,
judgment for their sins.
And we're here to look at
your life and make a decision.
Do you want to spit it out?
Heaven or hell.
Heaven or hell?
It's a lot to take in, I know.
So where am I now then?
Limbo.
Limbo.
What is that?
It's a neutral place
between heaven and hell.
Closer to hell,
it's more like Jersey.
I don't get any of this.
He's not the sharpest
tool in the shed,
your client, is he?
Let's just keep
it professional.
You represent heaven
however you want,
and I'll represent
hell how I want.
Wait, are you tryin' to
tell me that you're God,
and you're the devil?
No.
They're too busy to deal
with assholes like you.
We're just hired help.
We're angels.
You two are batshit
fuckin' crazy, you know that?
Look, we're wasting time.
I have a full schedule,
so why are we bothering
to explain anything
to this loser?
He is human.
He is a talking monkey.
God made them in his grace.
What have they done
to deserve God's love?
Nothing.
Let me tell you
something, Cassiel,
there is no way
that this low-life
scum-sucking piece of shit
is getting into heaven
whilst I'm stuck here.
(DRAMATIC TENSE MUSIC)
Balthazar, I haven't
seen you since, uh,
was it Leopold?
(LAUGHS) That crazy Belgian.
He was fun.
It's been a while.
What have you been up to?
Oh, you know, the usual.
Torment and torture, mostly.
Last month, they had us
sweeping out the pit of fire.
Talk about a mess.
One big human barbecue.
Yeah, I still have people
stuck between my toes.
Oh.
I...
I haven't had the pleasure
of making your acquaintance.
I'm Philitonus,
but you can call me Phil.
Cassiel.
Who's he, another
fuckin' angel?
No, he's a demon.
Oh, gosh, no.
Not a full demon, a minor
demon, Second Order.
I serve the almighty
and powerful Moloch,
prince of the country of tears
and grand cross of the Order.
Thought demons were
supposed to be red, had tails,
ugly and shit.
Oh, he's ugly.
Well, he is the
vile spawn of Lucifer.
He may be a vile spawn, but
he's a damn good stenographer.
Thank you, Balthazar.
I'm actually pretty excited.
I haven't worked with
Clemency and Exculpation
in quite a while.
Last time was Hitler,
or was it Nixon?
I can't remember which.
So many souls.
Okay, I'm ready.
(WARBLED SPEAKING)
Louise Catherine
Parker, deceased 2016.
(WARBLED SPEAKING)
(TENSE MUSIC)
Louise Parker.
(TENSE MUSIC)
Thank you for coming.
Oh, I wouldn't miss
it for the world.
(TENSE MUSIC)
You're alive.
No, I'm dead, dumbass!
You shot me in the
face, remember?
I didn't deserve this.
I just wanted to
sell you a chainsaw.
No, this is some
sort of bad dream.
(SHARP SLAPPING)
Did that feel like a dream?
(MELANCHOLIC PENSIVE MUSIC)
You took my children
away from me.
My babies have no mother.
Their babies have
no grandmother.
I will never get to
see their birthdays,
or their prom,
or their graduation,
or see their weddings,
or their children.
(MELANCHOLIC PENSIVE MUSIC)
I won't get to see any of it.
(MELANCHOLIC PENSIVE MUSIC)
All because of you, you prick!
(MELANCHOLIC PENSIVE MUSIC)
(LOUISE CRYING SOFTLY)
For the record, is this
the man who shot you?
Oh, yes.
Let the record
show that the witness
has positively
identified the defendant,
James Allen Boyle,
as her attacker.
Well, we're done here.
Could you please
escort Mrs. Parker out?
I hope that they reserve a
special place in hell for you.
Prosecution rests.
I'm really dead, Cassiel?
Yes.
Goddamn.
Hey, watch your language!
It's your turn, Counselor.
I would
like to start with an
opening statement, mm-hmm.
And if I smoke?
Would it matter if I said no?
BALTHAZAR: Mm-mm.
How do you smoke those?
Hoping they'll take a
few years off my life.
You're immortal.
It's called sarcasm.
Okay.
On September 20th, James
Allen Boyle did knowingly
and willingly murder Louise
Catherine Parker in cold blood.
These are the facts, and the
facts are not in dispute.
However, there are
extenuating circumstances,
circumstances that
will mitigate the facts
and raise reasonable doubt,
circumstances that will
exonerate my client
and render a favorable
final judgment.
What extenuating circumstances
are we talking about?
Well.
Cut the bullshit,
is it a redemption?
Yes.
(BALTHAZAR LAUGHS SOFTLY)
What's so funny?
Phil, 2,000 years, have
you ever seen a redemption?
No, no, I never have.
What's a redemption?
Salvation for your sins.
It's an obscure loophole.
Okay, okay, so
how do you get it?
To completely redeem
from sin by self sacrifice
requires a single selfless act,
entirely unmotivated
by personal gain.
It doesn't work.
Why doesn't it work?
It's a bit of a gray area.
So it's subjective.
So there is a chance.
You're not exactly
representing Mother Teresa.
Look, Cassiel, level with
me, brother to sister.
Why all the fuss
over Jimmy Boyle?
Because I deal with tens
of thousands of humans,
and I never hear a peep
out of the head office.
So why this guy?
All I know is that
it is very important.
To who?
Boss?
Why don't you go
ask him yourself?
Me and him, we're not
exactly on speaking terms.
Haven't been in over
a thousand years.
(STENOTYPE KEYS CLACKING SOFTLY)
(ROOM RUMBLING)
(OMINOUS BREATHING)
Hello, hello!
(PHIL GASPS SOFTLY)
BALTHAZAR: Who are you?
I'm from headquarters.
So what do you want?
Checkin' on your progress.
I'm doin' just fine.
Not from where
I'm standing, buddy.
I know you angels, a
bunch of bleeding hearts.
Boss wants this one
wrapped up quick.
What's takin' so long?
Clemency.
Exculpation.
Really, never heard of 'em.
I'm here to...
I wasn't talkin' to you,
bitch, I'm talkin' to you.
A little professional
courtesy, please.
Do I look like I give a
shit what you think, angel?
What's going on here?
They're claiming a redemption.
You don't say, a redemption.
Do they have a case?
I don't know yet.
You don't know, why not?
I thought you were good.
Because I haven't
heard their argument yet.
Good, 'cause I don't
wanna hear any excuses.
Do your fuckin' job
and convict the monkey,
or I'll have you wiping my ass
for the next thousand years.
Do you wanna dial
back a little, buddy?
Remember who you're talking to.
I know exactly
who I'm talking to.
You aren't under his
protection anymore.
You blew your chance
in heaven, pal.
Now you work for us.
What's your name?
Fuck you, that's my name.
I am a crown prince of
hell, the lord of arrogance,
and the father of Lucifer.
I command 80 legions of demons
and reign over the
northern reaches!
That's my name!
And your name is
Lick My Hairy Balls,
'cause that's all
you're good for,
you lousy, worthless
piece of shit.
You know, you angels,
you're all the same.
I bet you're still
wringing your hands
over being cast out of heaven.
"Oh, woe is me!"
Well, I have one thing to say.
Close this now, or
your ass is mine.
(OMINOUS WHIRRING)
Oh, man.
No, thanks.
Gonna go speak
to my supervisor.
Yeah, you know, I have to
go make a phone call too.
Was that the devil?
No.
That's Belial,
the demon of lies and guilt.
He's very powerful.
He's also president
of the bowling league.
I hate bowling.
Then you'll probably
be seeing a lot of him.
JIMMY: You live here?
Yes.
How long?
Oh, gosh, since the
beginning of history.
You like it?
I love my job.
I meet so many
interesting people.
Look, Phil, be honest with me.
If I go to hell, what's
gonna happen to me?
Well, it's different
for everyone.
There's burning, of course,
a lot of burning options,
and sometimes, they come
up with clever ideas,
like making you crawl
naked through broken glass,
or jamming a red-hot poker up
your behind, things like that.
Jesus.
Oh, oh, oh, I almost
forgot this one.
They stick you in a room
full of horny demons
with cocks the size
of baseball bats.
That one's very popular.
Popular for who?
Well, the demons
seem to like it.
Shit.
If you don't mind my
asking, what's it like
where you're from?
- Los Angeles?
- Uh-huh.
It's a shit hole.
Oh.
So you didn't like it?
No.
Oh, dear.
Some day, maybe I'll get to
visit the material world.
There's so many
beautiful things to see.
Like what?
Oh, gosh!
The sun rising over
the temple in Angkor,
the Grand Bazaar in Istanbul,
the Great Wall of
China at sunset,
Times Square on a
cold New Year's Eve,
Disneyland, the happiest
place on Earth! (LAUGHS)
(JIMMY LAUGHING SOFTLY)
You really believe
all that, don't you?
Yes.
(WARM PENSIVE MUSIC)
JIMMY: What do you think,
Phil, do I have a chance?
Well, the angel,
I don't know what she
has up her sleeve.
But Balthazar,
he's good, real good.
What are the odds?
A snowball's chance
in you-know-where.
(EERIE WHISPERING)
(OMINOUS PENSIVE MUSIC)
Yes.
Yeah, I'll hold.
(OMINOUS PENSIVE MUSIC)
(EERIE WHISPERING)
What's the matter, Counselor?
No one's answering.
What?
No one is answering
at the moment.
Maybe you're being
hung out to dry.
Do you always
assume the worst?
Yeah.
I'm in hell, so doesn't exactly
inspire happy thoughts, huh?
(OMINOUS TENSE MUSIC)
(EERIE WHISPERING)
Oh, is it warm in here?
(LAUGHS SOFTLY)
Feels good to me.
So have you heard the
one about the four nuns?
Do we have to?
It's very funny.
Four nuns are standing in a line
outside the gates of heaven.
Peter asks the first nun
if she's ever sinned.
She says, "Well, once I
looked at a man's penis."
Peter tells her to put
some holy water on her eyes
and she may enter heaven.
Then Peter asks the second
nun the same question.
She says, "Well, once I
touched a man's penis."
Peter tells her to put her
hand in the holy water,
and she may enter heaven.
Suddenly, the fourth nun
pushes past the third nun,
and Peter asks her, "Why did
you push her out of the way?"
And the fourth nun says,
"Because I wanted
to drink the water
"before she sticks
her ass in it!"
(JIMMY LAUGHS)
(PHIL LAUGHS)
I don't get it.
Well, I have a
million nun jokes.
Do you wanna hear another?
No, thank you.
Something wrong?
Somebody's really itching
to see old Jimmy here fry.
Well, what do you wanna do?
Continue.
Okay, I will call
my first witness.
Oh, oh, that's hell?
(WARBLED SPEAKING)
Oh, yes, hello.
Henry Jefferson Lamb, please.
(WARBLED SPEAKING)
Henry Lamb.
Thank you.
(EERIE BREATHING)
Henry Jefferson Lamb.
Ooh!
Damn, it's nice
and cool in here.
What's all this about?
We require your testimony.
Shit!
Oh, you can have
whatever you want,
if it keeps me outta
hell for a while.
I'll tell you my whole
life story if you'd like.
I was born a poor black child.
CASSIEL: That's
not necessary.
(HENRY COUGHING)
Fuckin' sulfur.
Do I know you?
Mr. Lamb, is it true
that you were once living
with a Mary Florence Boyle?
Maybe.
Had a lotta women in my day.
Pretty girls, like
you, on each arm.
I could walk into any
bar, have my pick.
Hey, why don't you and me
go find us an empty room?
I'll put a smile on that
pretty little face of yours.
I can have you shipped
back right now if you want.
No, no, no, no, it's cool.
I'm just playin'.
20 years in hell leaves a
man with some serious wood.
Mary Florence Boyle.
What about her?
You two had a son together.
So?
So, tell me about him.
Yeah.
He's a fuckin'
loser, like his mama.
CASSIEL: Why do you say that?
She's a junkie whore.
Apple don't fall
far from the tree.
And what do you mean by that?
Shit, I always knew
that kid was gonna wind up
bein' a nothin'.
I tried to straighten him out.
You know what they say,
you spare that rod,
you spoil that child.
Why don't you try
tellin' the truth?
What?
Why don't you tell
these people who you were?
And who's that?
A fuckin' drunk that
used her for a punchin' bag
every single night.
When you got tired of
her, you came after me.
(TENSE MUSIC)
Jimmy?
Hello, Dad.
Damn, you look old.
And you look like the same
piece of shit you always were.
You still got that
mouth on ya, don't ya?
Yeah, I'd like to see
you have a go at me now.
You wanna measure dicks?
(TENSE MUSIC)
Looks like you're gonna be
joinin' me here real soon.
So why don't we give it a whirl,
and put on a good
show for old scratch?
(TENSE MUSIC)
You know, I think
I've seen enough.
You can take him back, please.
I want you to come
see me some time.
I'll show you a big
slice of heaven. (LAUGHS)
(TENSE MUSIC)
I'll see you in hell.
(TENSE MUSIC)
BALTHAZAR: So
what does that prove?
It's a fact that abused
and neglected children
are more likely to
become criminals.
Boo-fuckin'-hoo.
I got daddy issues.
Didn't keep me outta hell.
I'm just establishing
that Jimmy here
is the victim of a
cycle of violence.
My heart bleeds.
CASSIEL: Have you
forgotten what it's like
to have any sympathy at all?
For these monkeys?
No.
Are we done here?
'Cause I don't see
anything redeeming.
Well, there is the girl.
What girl?
Angela Burnett.
Angela?
(MELANCHOLIC PENSIVE MUSIC)
(POLICE SIREN
WAILING IN DISTANCE)
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
The fuck do you want?
Uh, um, I probably
have the wrong place.
Do you know Angela?
- She here?
- No.
- She's really cute.
- Get the fuck outta here.
Like about this high.
ANGELA: Mm, yeah.
(MAN MOANING)
Oh, yeah, that's bad.
- Harder.
- Oh, my God!
Oh, boy.
ANGELA: Yes, sweetie.
Harder.
(MAN MOANING)
- Angela.
- Mm, yeah.
Angela.
ANGELA: Mm, harder.
(BED CREAKING)
(MUFFLED SPEAKING)
(PENSIVE MUSIC WITH
WOMAN VOCALIZING)
You Angela?
ANGELA: Hmm?
Are you Angela?
ANGELA: Yeah, why?
Some asshole came
to my door last night,
woke me up in the middle of
the night lookin' for you.
(MUMBLES) Sorry.
Yeah.
Here's the thing, Angela.
Tell your customers to
keep it down at night.
Some of us are tryin' to sleep.
I'm really sorry.
Hey, didn't catch your name.
I didn't throw it.
Well, nice to meet you anyway.
It's Jimmy.
ANGELA: Hi, Jimmy.
Angela.
Okay, I can see
where this is going.
Really?
Let me guess,
criminal meets girl,
criminal befriends girl,
criminal saves girl
and goes to heaven.
That's not gonna happen.
You know the rules,
it has to be documented.
A jumbo jet went down in
the Baltic Sea last night,
so I actually have a
plane load to process.
So shall we get on with this?
Yes, Jimmy, think back.
It's a hell of a
shiner you got there.
I ran into a door.
Really?
Yeah.
Door shaped like a fist?
No, it was a door.
JIMMY: Right.
You callin' me a liar?
No, just don't piss on my
leg and tell me it's rain.
Okay, it wasn't a door.
JIMMY: No shit.
But he didn't mean it,
he just lost his temper
for a second, that's all.
Pimp or a John?
What?
The door that hit
you like a Mack truck,
was it a pimp or a John?
My boyfriend.
Pimp.
He's not a pimp,
he's my manager.
Manager, is that what
they're callin' it these days?
He takes care of me.
Clearly.
What?
Nothing.
CASSIEL: What happened next?
Can you remember anything,
anything positive?
(POLICE SIREN WAILING)
(TENSE MUSIC)
Sergei.
Spot me 10.
10 grand?
And why would I do that, huh?
Come on, man, I'm good for it.
I trust you about
as far as I can spit.
What do you want?
Whatever, whatever it
takes, come on, please.
(TENSE MUSIC)
Okay.
15 points,
and I want it back in a week.
Yeah.
One week, you hear me?
Or I send Anatoli over to
break your fuckin' kneecaps,
maybe take a few
fingers, it's up to you.
(TENSE MUSIC)
I raise 10.
(TENSE MUSIC)
(JIMMY SIGHS)
One week, Jimmy,
or I send Anatoli
over to collect.
(TENSE PENSIVE MUSIC)
(MELANCHOLIC PENSIVE MUSIC)
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
ANGELA: Jimmy.
JIMMY: Go away!
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
ANGELA: Jimmy, it's me.
Fuck.
Hey, pal.
What do you want?
I'm locked outta my place.
So?
So I'm bored.
You wanna get something to eat?
No, I'm not hungry.
Wanna get coffee?
I don't drink coffee,
I fuckin' hate coffee.
Well, then, can I come in?
No clients today?
No, I'm taking the day off.
Yeah, what's your
manager say about that?
He's not gonna be too
happy, that's for sure.
JIMMY: No, I bet he's not.
You wanna chat?
Chat?
You know, converse,
rap, prattle.
No.
Come on, you have no
one else to talk to.
I hate talking.
A single conversation
with a wise man
is better than 10 years
of studying books.
Clearly, you have me
confused with a wise man.
Who said that shit anyway?
Longfellow.
Is that a porn star?
A famous poet.
Oh, poet, course.
(WARM PENSIVE MUSIC)
I'm gonna be a poet some day.
What?
I'm gonna be a poet some day.
(LAUGHS) That is funny.
A hooker that's a poet.
I'm not gonna do
this forever, asshole!
Well, good luck with that,
payin' your bills with
your poems. (CHUCKLES)
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
FRANK: Angela!
Are you in there?
Don't answer it.
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
(TENSE MUSIC)
JIMMY: Yeah?
I'm lookin' for Angela.
She here?
Yeah, she's here.
What's goin' on?
Nothing, we're just talking.
Talking?
About what?
Poems.
(SIGHS DEEPLY) You're
supposed to be working.
We missed two
customers so far today.
It cost us 300 bucks.
I just want...
(PIMP MUMBLING)
Why don't you march that
sweet little ass of yours home,
and we're gonna chat
about this in private.
(TENSE MUSIC)
What's your name, mister?
(SOFT TENSE MUSIC)
Jimmy.
Well, listen up, Jimmy.
If you want to spend
time with Angela,
you gotta pay,
like everyone else.
Do you understand?
Angela, she knows better.
I'm gonna have to
remind her again,
if you catch my drift.
But being that you
didn't know the rules,
I'm gonna let you slide,
since we're neighbors and all.
You have a blessed day.
(TENSE MUSIC)
You did nothing.
What was I supposed to do?
Nero fiddled
while Rome burned.
Who is Nero?
I am finding it really hard
to see anything
redeemable in you.
You see, you sit here
and you defend this scum.
They don't deserve God's love.
They're all the same.
He gives them everything,
and they just spit it back
in his face, all the
same, all of them,
selfish, ungrateful monkeys.
And do you wanna
know the funny part?
The really funny part is that
he pushed us aside for them,
us, who serve him faithfully,
and do all that he
asks without question.
We fought his wars for him,
murdered first-born children
in his name, leveled
entire cities for him,
turned them into
pillars of salt.
We've been there since
the dawn of time,
just doin' all of
his dirty work.
What did we get in return?
Nothing, not a thing,
no thanks, no vacation,
not even a complimentary
set of steak knives.
(TENSE PENSIVE MUSIC)
It's not true, you know,
that Nero fiddled
while Rome burned.
Total myth.
Nero never even
played the fiddle.
He was just a big fat pervert.
The only thing he cared about
was buggering little boys.
I guess we could say that Nero
diddled while Rome burned.
(PHIL LAUGHING)
Sorry.
(CASSIEL SIGHS DEEPLY)
What's the matter, Counselor?
I mean, I was told
that this was someone
worthy of redemption.
How many cases
have you handled?
Including this one?
Yeah.
Well, there was, um...
Is this your first case?
Yeah.
What?
So where were you before?
Records and Archives.
Records and Archives.
I mean, he wouldn't
have transferred me
if he didn't believe that I
was qualified for the job.
So you actually
want to do this?
Well, of course.
It's an honor to
defend his children.
You don't even know who
his children really are.
I don't have to know.
It's all a part of his plan.
His big cosmic joke, you mean?
You're in for a rude
awakening, sister.
(TENSE MUSIC)
(EERIE WHISPERING)
I need a quick word with you.
Just spoke with the boss.
He's not happy with
how this is going,
and when he's not
happy, we all suffer.
We'll suffer when he's happy.
Look, you need
to close this now.
What's the big
deal with this case?
He wants this soul,
and what he wants,
he gets, understand?
Yeah, no problem, it's
an open-and-shut case.
Well, we're not feeling as
confident about it as you are.
Okay, so you
wanna play attorney.
What do you suggest?
Scrutiny and Inquisitions
did a little snooping,
went through this guy's
life with a fine-tooth comb,
- and they found something.
- What?
This'll put the nail
in Jimmy Boyle's coffin.
Well, I'm done
presenting evidence.
If you can't do this, I will
get someone in here who can!
You know the rules,
it's gotta be an angel.
You can't be showing up
with a fuckin' demon.
Who's talkin' about demons?
The big guy himself would
be up here in a heartbeat.
Lucifer.
You better pray that
doesn't happen, buddy.
You think I'm an
asshole? (LAUGHS)
You ain't seen nothin'.
Put this away, now.
Fuck.
(EERIE WHISPERING)
I have a new witness.
Oh, goody, I love surprises.
CASSIEL: I thought
the prosecution rested.
Yeah, I got new information.
This is highly unusual.
Look, I gave you latitude,
so could you return the favor?
All right.
(WARBLED SPEAKING)
Send up the witness.
(WARBLED SPEAKING)
Oh, oh, oh, I have a joke!
It's a good one!
A preacher, a rabbi, and
a priest walk into a bar.
Shut up.
Geez, I was just trying
to brighten everyone's day.
I like your jokes.
Thank you.
(EERIE WHISPERING)
Mary Florence Boyle.
(TENSE PENSIVE MUSIC)
Mary.
Where am I?
You're in a hearing.
We require your testimony.
They said I could have a hit,
just one little shot, please.
What is she talking about?
She's a fuckin' junkie.
Do I know you?
It's me, Ma, Jimmy!
No, no, no, no,
no, no, my Jimmy,
he's little, he's a little boy.
I'm all grown up now.
Well, then help me out, Jimmy.
Help out your ma.
Give me a shot, just one shot.
Give me my needle and fix me up.
That's my boy, steady
with that needle.
Be sure to hit the vein.
You were always
missin' the damn vein.
Shut up.
No, Jimmy, don't say that.
I'm your mama.
Some mother you were!
You're a fuckin' junkie!
Been a junkie ever
since I can remember.
You didn't give a shit about me.
You didn't give a
shit about anything,
except your next fix!
I was a good mother,
I took good care of you.
You didn't do nothin' but
shoot up and lay in bed all day,
starin' up at the ceiling
like you were dead!
Hell, you were dead!
With that shit pumpin'
through your veins,
you were as good as dead!
(TENSE PENSIVE MUSIC)
How many times did you send
me out to buy your shit?
How many times, huh?
And when we ran outta money,
where do you think
the money came from?
From Dad?
He was long gone!
I was a 12-year-old little boy,
stealin' money to buy your dope!
I remember.
I remember now.
What, what do you remember?
What he done.
What was that?
He killed me,
that's what he done.
He took a pillow and he
stuck it over my face.
He choked the life outta
me, his own mother.
(TENSE MUSIC)
Is that true?
Damn right.
I killed her.
You killed her.
She was already dead, I
just sped up the progress.
Why?
(TENSE MUSIC)
'Cause I was sick
of bein' her slave.
I was sick of
cleanin' up after her,
cleanin' her bed when she
couldn't make it to the bathroom
'cause she was so fucked up!
I was sick of the
misery and desperation,
and the smell of shit!
I was a 12-year-old boy,
just a little boy with his
whole life ahead of him,
and I didn't wanna be handcuffed
to some junkie mother,
with some fuckin' junkie life!
That's why.
(MARY WHIMPERS SOFTLY)
No.
So I killed her.
(MARY GRUNTS ANGRILY)
Guard, you can
take Mrs. Boyle out.
No.
No, they promised me, no.
I want a shot, that's
all I need, just one hit.
(EERIE WHISPERING)
(CASSIEL GRUNTS)
Easy there.
What is this?
Wormwood.
This is poison.
People call it
Devil in a Bottle.
Great taste, zero calories.
Yeah, you win.
I give up.
I quit.
You started this,
you don't wanna finish?
No.
What about me?
What about you?
There's no redemption for you.
You said you could
get me into heaven.
Well, then you shoulda
worked harder on that
while you were on Earth, Jimmy.
So you're really giving up?
Yes, I'm going back
to Records and Archives.
Why?
Because I'm very confused.
You know, I believed, I
believed what I was told.
I put my trust in God, and
now that I've actually seen
what humans can do
with my own eyes,
I don't know what
I believe anymore.
I have to go while I still
have a little faith left.
Why's that?
Because I don't
wanna lose it all,
become cynical and angry.
(PENSIVE MUSIC)
I don't wanna end up like you.
(PENSIVE MUSIC)
Wait.
CASSIEL: Why?
Look, if you really
were sent down here,
then there must be a reason.
It seems like it's
all one big cosmic joke,
like you said, right?
Look, Cassiel, I've judged
over three million souls,
and this is one endless
parade of monkeys
all on the way to hell.
And after a while, you find
it difficult to see the good
that may have existed in them.
You only see the evil,
corrupt, the wicked.
That's the thing.
Just once, I'd like
to be proven wrong.
I'd like to see what
God sees in them.
I'd like to know that
they deserve everything
that they've been given,
and if there's anyone that's
gonna do that, that's you.
Maybe Jimmy really
is beyond salvation.
Maybe he really does
deserve to go to hell,
but if you walk out right now,
if yoU leave, if you give up,
then we're never really
gonna know for sure, are we?
Not really.
(PENSIVE MUSIC)
Good.
I really like you guys.
I'm having fun.
I'm glad you're
having fun, Phil.
(EERIE WHIRRING)
Can you smell that?
Can you smell that?
That's the smell of victory.
Balthazar, quick word.
(GLASS SHATTERING)
(MUFFLED YELLING)
(WOMAN SCREAMING)
(WOMAN LAUGHING)
(MEN LAUGHING)
DEMON: Here's to
Lucifer! (LAUGHS)
Give me another one.
BARTENDER: Comin' right up.
I'm gettin' shit-faced.
BARTENDER: You're
always shit-faced.
(GRUNTS) Oh, gosh!
To hell. (LAUGHS)
So why we here?
Boss wants to
sweeten the deal.
What does that mean?
He likes you, you're a closer.
Heck, you're responsible
for a good percentage
of the souls in hell.
It's high time for a promotion
and all the benefits
that come with it.
BALTHAZAR: Promotion.
How does supervisor sound?
Supervisor.
Think about it,
upper management,
and that's just the beginning.
Corner office, full view
of the pit, nice, huh?
Wait, it gets better.
Paid vacations, stock
options, employee discounts.
Paid vacation?
Two weeks a year, all expenses
paid, anywhere you like,
within reason, of course.
Where are we talking?
Well, let's see.
North Korea is one of
our top destinations,
or how about a nice little
romantic getaway in Siberia?
If you prefer your
paradise a bit warmer,
the jungles of Colombia
might be right up your alley,
and I hear that New Jersey is
really nice this time of year.
Why the sudden goodwill?
Boss is turning
over a new leaf.
We need good people in
management, people like you.
What do you really want?
Boyle.
That's it?
Swing this case our
way, and it's all yours.
The promotion, the
vacations, the corner office.
Okay.
Let me think about it.
This is a one-time
limited offer.
I need an answer right now.
MAN: What's she doing here?
WOMAN: Is she an angel?
MAN: Throw her
ass outta here.
They told me you were here.
Yeah, sorry, we're done.
Okay, good, 'cause
I was just wondering
if we were going to finish.
Get a load of this broad!
"I was just wondering if
we were gonna finish."
Angels, so goddamn
polite, it kills me.
Please watch your language.
Oh, they teach you those
manners up there in heaven, hmm,
to be all prim and proper?
No.
You condescending
little bitch.
You think you're
better than us, do you?
Yes, you do, you
cock-sucking little slut.
Okay, you really need to stop.
Oh, really, and what are
you gonna do, call for help?
Suck the fart out of my ass,
you brain-dead puke stick!
You know the rules
here, you have no power.
This is a neutral place.
Don't you lecture
me on the rules!
Do you know who I am?
Do you know who I am?
I eat fuckers like
you for breakfast!
Okay, I've heard
just about enough,
you loudmouth
boot-licking little worm.
What?
(DEMON GROWLING)
(DEMONS MUMBLING)
What did you just say?
You heard me.
What did you just say?
Okay, okay!
I'll do it.
(TENSE MUSIC)
I said I'll do it.
(TENSE MUSIC)
I'll go get the paperwork.
You know, I still
remember the war.
When Lucifer was
cast out of heaven,
remember the creation of hell?
The sky was black and
it rained broken bodies.
I slew hundreds of your
brothers and sisters,
ripped their heads off and
pissed down their throats.
I sure do miss
the good old days.
(TENSE MUSIC)
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
Who is it?
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
(TENSE MUSIC)
What do you want?
Nothing, just hangin' out.
JIMMY: Look, I
don't want any trouble.
Frank's not here,
he'll be gone for hours.
JIMMY: Why are you here?
I like talkin'
to you, I guess.
Why?
You remind me of my dad.
Your dad, great.
He was strong,
bull-headed.
Down to earth, you know,
just someone you could
talk to about anything.
Well, why don't you go
talk to your dad then?
He's dead.
He died when I was young.
What about your mom?
She's in Encino,
we don't talk.
Do you believe in reincarnation?
What?
You know, like,
when someone dies,
and then they come
back to Earth,
but they're in a different body.
No, that's bullshit.
When you die, you die.
You're dead, end of
story, that's it, done.
So you don't
believe in heaven?
No, I don't believe in heaven.
If there's a God, he hasn't
done shit for me, not shit.
So no, I don't
believe in heaven.
So you're agnostic.
I'm what?
ANGELA: Agnostic.
What's that mean?
You're like a radical skeptic.
Where do you come up
with this bullshit, huh?
I mean, that is some crap!
I read a lot.
Well, thanks.
Are you busy?
'Cause I wanna
show you something.
No.
For me?
(PENSIVE MUSIC WITH
WOMAN VOCALIZING SOFTLY)
Well, she seems like
a really nice girl.
She likes to read.
I read a lot.
What happened next?
I went to the pawn shop.
And?
Fuckin' Walter shot me
in the back, that's what.
(CASSIEL SIGHS)
(MELANCHOLIC PENSIVE MUSIC)
I've been shot before,
but this was different.
I knew it was bad.
I knew I was gonna die,
right there in that
rat shit apartment.
(MELANCHOLIC PENSIVE MUSIC)
Jimmy?
(MELANCHOLIC PENSIVE MUSIC)
Jimmy.
Go away.
I'm gonna call an ambulance.
No!
Angela, no.
You call an ambulance,
I'm goin' to jail,
and that shit ain't happenin'.
I can't let you die.
What do you care?
Well, we're
friends, aren't we?
Not friends.
(GROANS SOFTLY) I ain't got
no friends, least of all, you.
(MELANCHOLIC PENSIVE MUSIC)
You need help and
I can help you, okay?
(SCOFFS) How can you help me?
You and I, we should
just run away together.
Drive to Mexico or something.
(JIMMY COUGHING AND WHEEZING)
(JIMMY LAUGHING)
I ain't got a car.
(JIMMY COUGHING)
So we'll find one, we'll
steal one, or something.
What about Frank?
(MELANCHOLIC PENSIVE MUSIC)
He'll never let me leave.
(MELANCHOLIC PENSIVE MUSIC
WITH WOMAN VOCALIZING)
We should go to
Mexico. (GRUNTS)
(MELANCHOLIC PENSIVE MUSIC
WITH WOMAN VOCALIZING)
What are you doing?
Jimmy.
(MELANCHOLIC PENSIVE MUSIC
WITH WOMAN VOCALIZING)
FRANK: Jimmy, what
the fuck do you want?
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
(GUN FIRES)
(BODY THUDDING)
(GUN FIRING)
(WOMAN SCREAMING)
(MELANCHOLIC PENSIVE MUSIC
WITH WOMAN VOCALIZING)
Wow.
I never saw that coming.
So what are you gonna do?
(PENSIVE MUSIC)
You have to pass judgment.
(PENSIVE MUSIC)
I rule in favor
of the defendant.
What's that mean?
It means you're not
going to hell, Jimmy.
I'm not?
Oh, goody!
I just love a happy ending.
(EERIE WHISPERING)
(SOFT TENSE MUSIC)
She done chipped
my fingernail.
Hey, Delores?
(WARBLED SPEAKING)
Hello, my dear.
Would you be so kind as
schedule me another appointment
this afternoon?
(WARBLED SPEAKING)
Who are you?
(LUCIFER SHUSHING)
(WARBLED SPEAKING)
You're just gonna
have to bump Mr. Meth.
(WARBLED SPEAKING)
Yes.
Thank you, my dear.
You know, 10 million
Koreans in hell.
I still can't find a decent
manicurist amongst 'em.
Go figure, huh?
I'm sorry, what were you saying?
Who are you?
I go by many names.
The Buddhists, they
call me (MUMBLES),
and the Hebrews refer to
me as the Morningstar.
The French, I'm told,
they be referrin' to me
as the Lord of the Flies.
But that's the French for you.
And you?
You can call me Brother.
Lucifer.
In the flesh, ma'am.
You are not my brother.
Oh, Sis!
Sis, you cut me to the quick.
Now, Phil.
Boss.
You behavin' yourself?
Yes, Boss.
Mm-hmm.
And
Balthazar.
Nice seein' you again, Son.
Been a while.
Why are you here?
What's so important that the
Prince of Darkness himself
has to make a
personal appearance?
I just wanted to drop in,
make sure that justice
has been served.
So,
is it?
BALTHAZAR: Of course.
And what is the verdict?
Jimmy Boyle is pardoned.
Pardoned, huh?
You sure about that?
Yes.
You know the rules, don't you?
One good deed does not undo
a lifetime of bad ones.
I think...
I'm not the slightest bit
interested in what you think.
I'm interested in what
young Balthazar here thinks.
So?
I've made my decision.
(TENSE PENSIVE MUSIC)
I want you to think real
careful about this, Balthazar.
I want you to remember
who you're talkin' to here,
'cause I know that you
won't wanna make a decision
that's gonna displease me.
After all, I can make your
life a livin' hell for,
well, eternity.
(TENSE PENSIVE MUSIC)
You understand that, Sonny?
I understand.
Good, so, what's
it to be then?
(TENSE PENSIVE MUSIC)
Heaven.
And is that your final answer?
Yes.
(TENSE PENSIVE MUSIC)
Okay, well then, that's it.
What that's it?
LUCIFER: Oh, yeah,
yeah, yeah, that's it.
But you're not angry.
C'est la vie.
This is a trick, right?
No, no, this is
not a trick, no.
No, you're free to go.
I release you from
all your obligations,
but Jimmy, Jimmy, however,
he's gotta stay with me.
JIMMY AND CASSIEL: What?
- No!
- Yeah, you can leave here
and return to heaven.
But Jimmy.
Jimmy was screwed
from day one.
Do I have to spell
it out for you, Son?
No, this was never about Jimmy.
It was always about you.
So none of this mattered.
Oh, pipe down.
You wanted a
redemption, you got one.
CASSIEL: Hmm.
Why?
You'd have to ask
Daddy about that.
It's his idea, after all.
What Daddy wants,
he tends to get.
Well, you're free to go,
but Jimmy Boyle's soul
is mine.
No, wait, he
ruled in my favor!
This isn't fair!
I don't deserve this.
Oh, it's the pit of
hell for you, young James.
No!
Unless.
What?
I'll do anything.
Can you do a manicure?
Damn, I thought as
much, take him away.
(PENSIVE MUSIC)
It's been real, but I
gotta go now, so toodles.
Oh, Balthazar.
Yes?
Don't be a stranger now.
Well, I haven't had
this much fun in years!
Not since Vlad the Impaler,
and that was a real circus,
let me tell you.
It was a pleasure
to work with you.
Likewise.
I'm going to miss
you, Balthazar.
Goodbye, Phil.
Don't take any wooden
nickels! (LAUGHS)
So, what now?
Well, I guess it's back
to Records and Archives.
I don't think I'm
cut out for this.
You were great.
I lost my only case.
Sorry.
Don't be.
Heaven lost a soul
but gained an angel.
See you upstairs.
What's the matter?
Thinking, maybe
I'll miss this room.
Well, I hear there's
a position opening up
in Clemency and Exculpation.
No, can't even pronounce it.
Goodbye, Balthazar.
Bye, Cassiel.
(WARM PENSIVE MUSIC
WITH WOMAN VOCALIZING)
Oh, oh, oh, here's a good one.
Three sex offenders go to hell,
and Lucifer tells 'em,
for their punishments,
he's gonna cut off each
one of their dicks.
So he goes to the
first guy and he asks
what his father
did for a living.
And the first guy says,
"Well, he was a lumberjack."
And Lucifer says, "Fine,"
and he pulls out a chainsaw
and cuts the guy's dick off.
Then he goes to the second guy
and asks what his father did
for a living.
And the guy says,
"Well, he was a doctor."
And Lucifer takes a scalpel
and cuts the guy's dick off.
Then he goes to the third guy,
but the third guy is rolling
around on the floor laughing.
And Lucifer says, "What
are you laughing at?
"You saw what I just
did to the other two."
And the third guy
says, "Yeah, I know,
"but my dad made popsicles!"
You get it, popsicles?
Oh, dear.
♪ Livin' in the world
of mass confusion ♪
♪ Where contentment's
hard to find ♪
♪ Livin' in the
days of revelation ♪
♪ With old Satan close behind ♪
♪ I've been talked
about and laughed at ♪
♪ I've been locked
out in the cold ♪
♪ But I don't aim
to give old Satan ♪
♪ Any claim upon my soul ♪
♪ You'd better look around ♪
♪ You'd better look around ♪
♪ You better be wonderin'
what salvation's all about ♪
♪ You better believe
and understand ♪
♪ Before old Satan
takes your hand ♪
♪ He's gonna take you,
but it ain't gonna be ♪
♪ To the promised land ♪
♪ You'd better look around ♪
♪ You'd better look around ♪
♪ You better be wonderin'
what salvation's all about ♪
♪ You better believe
and understand ♪
♪ Before old Satan
takes your hand ♪
♪ He's gonna take you,
but it ain't gonna be ♪
♪ To the promised land ♪