Letters from a Nut (2018) - full transcript
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♪ I went through
letters that you wrote me ♪
♪ And followed your words
to the bottom of the page ♪
♪ To find all the things
that you tried to show me ♪
♪ Months ago
at the bottom of the page ♪
♪ All the words
that I once knew ♪
♪ Oh, I gave to you
Yes, I gave to you ♪
♪ And all of the words
that I want to know ♪
♪ Have dried up in the back
of my throat ♪
♪ I set sail
across your words ♪
♪ Hoping never to find shore
Never to find shore ♪
♪ In the ocean of ink
I started to sink ♪
♪ Before your words filled
my lungs with breath again ♪
Please. No, please.
Please. They didn't tell me
an audience was coming,
so that changes quite a bit.
But anyway, thank you so much
for coming to this...
to this nonsense.
I am Ted L. Nancy.
And I appreciate it.
And I'd like to tell you
a little bit about
how all this started,
how I got into writing
these letters
and getting these responses,
kind of an interesting story.
So let me just make my way
out here now.
Walking, dead man walking.
And... now I am here.
Uh, true story. Like, I said,
kind of interesting,
it was about 20 years ago
and I'm sitting in my room,
it's about four o'clock
in the morning.
And I was sitting in my room
with my lady friend Phyllis.
And she was watching TV,
kind of half listening to me,
and I was sitting
in another chair,
mindlessly eating
a bag of Fritos,
you know how you kinda
just shovel snacks in
and stuff like that?
I shouldn't
be eating Fritos then
and I shouldn't
be eating Fritos now
because I've had a weight
problem my whole life
and it's-- I cannot
lose any weight.
And I think I've built myself
into the body
of a small pot roast is what...
There's...
Terrible dieter.
Constant yo-yo dieting.
I just went on one diet.
I had to go on two diets
at the same time 'cause one diet
wasn't giving me enough food.
Listen, I know I'm not
a Chippendale dancer.
Those days are over.
More like a Chip Ahoy dancer.
Easy, easy now.
Uh, terrible exerciser.
I spent two hours at the gym
this morning,
I finally found parking.
That gym is called
Dead Man Working Out.
My idea of a good workout
is I like to strap myself
onto another person
while they're exercising.
Anyway, so I'm eating
these Fritos
and I notice on the side
of the bag of the Fritos,
you know, they have like
a little message.
It said, "You got any problems?
Any issues?
Write Fritos with your issues
We wanna hear from you."
Who needs to write Fritos?
You know, you got issues?
Go to a therapist. You know?
You don't wanna unload
on a corn chip company with...
with your problems, you know.
And Phyllis is going, "Uh-huh.
Yeah." Kind of half listening.
And I go, "What would you say
to Fritos?"
I'm talking out loud. I go,
"Would you act like
you're a moron
and you don't understand
what a Frito is?"
You can't understand the concept
of what they're--
"I have no idea what you're
doing here. What is this?"
And you explain the product.
"I opened your product,
this Frito thing that you have,
and they were all stale
and they were crunchy
and they were hard and I got
orange dust all over me
and I had to throw the whole...
I had... I had to throw
the whole thing away.
It was stale."
And I said, "Who would
write Fritos?"
And Phyllis goes, "A nut, that's
who would write Fritos."
Then the next day
I'm in the 99 cent store
buying some Bon Ami cleanser.
Because I only like cleanser
from 1920.
And I see the same
kind of message.
It says, "You got any problems?
Any issues? Write Bon Ami.
We wanna hear from you."
And it's stamped
Gordon Brukar the V.
But I'm looking at the stamp
and it could be--
it was smudgy.
It could be Brukar the IV. I'm
studying the stamp, you know?
And maybe that's Gordon Brukar
the III.
And I'm building this whole
fantasy of Gordon Brukar
in my head, is there
five Gordon Brukars?
They're selling cleanser?
Is there one Gordon Brukar?
Have I stumbled
on a Gordon Brukar nest?
What is going on here?
What would I say to him?
I wanna write to this man.
I wanna get
into Gordon Brukar's life.
Would I tell him
my Fritos issues?
What would I say to him?
Then I started noticing it,
like, calling to me,
like, you know, all these
companies wanted you
to write to them
and they wanted you to reach out
and answer them.
I get my gas bill.
And the gas bill says,
"Hey, you got any problems?
You wanna write to us?
Tell us what you think
of our gas pamphlets."
And I go,"Well, you know,
I collect the gas pamphlets
and I'm missing
the complete set from 1988.
With all of your gas all-stars."
So I thought, you know what?
I'm gonna write to these people
'cause they wanna hear from me.
And why not?
I've got 23 hours a day to kill.
Why not write to these people?
They wanna hear from me.
That's the sick thing I had
going in my head,
that they wanted
to hear from me.
Nobody really wants
to hear from me.
So with your kind indulgence,
I would like to now
read to you Letters From a Nut.
Did he mention these were real?
So here's one I wrote
to a deodorant company.
I think you'll enjoy it.
Started it off with,
"Ted L. Nancy.
560 North Moorpark Road.
Apartment 236.
Thousand Oaks, California.
91360.
Dear Degree Deodorant.
I have been using your product
for some time.
My underarms
are finally back to normal.
All paperwork is complete.
I have used your deodorant
for everyday functions,
as well as special events,
like at a buffet.
On your deodorant
it says, "Keeps your underarms
cool and dry.' And then I bought
a package of Parmesan cheese,
and it says,
'Store in a cool, dry place.'
What gives? Should I store my
Parmesan cheese under my arms?
Would it be safe
to spray deodorant on my cheese?
What can I eat? Hungry.
Send me a picture
of your deodorant for my wall.
Sincerely, Ted L. Nancy."
"Dear Mr. Nancy. It was
thoughtful of you to let us
hear your comments about Degree.
Comments such as yours
are certainly gratifying,
and most welcome.
As a token of our appreciation,
I am enclosing
a coupon for your use.
Sincerely, Degree Deodorant
consumer representative."
"Dear Akron Summa
City Hospital,
I have a problem. I was
in a coma for five years...
and when I woke up,
I found out my wife had left me
for another man in a coma.
I need my records.
My doctor's name
is Dr. Jhabardi Del Fudgio.
I think he is Ghananese.
He has a freckle.
Sincerely, Ted L. Nancy."
"Dear Mr. Nancy,
we have no patient treated
with the name Ted L. Nancy.
Nor do we have a Dr. Del Fudgio.
Perhaps you have
the wrong facility.
Respectfully,
Akron Summa City Hospital."
"Dear Nordstrom's
department store,
I am a regular shopper
at your store in Glendale.
In the last few weeks,
I have noticed
that a new mannequin you
have out in the store
looks just
like my deceased neighbor.
I have passed this mannequin
from many directions
and the resemblance is uncanny:
nose, cheekbones, hair, even
down to the windbreaker jacket
my neighbor would wear.
Is it possible to buy...
is it possible to buy
this mannequin
so I may present it
to my neighbor's family...
to help with the grieving?
I think having him there
would be good therapeutic
behavior for all.
This family is in need
of some good loving.
Sincerely, Ted L. Nancy."
"Dear Mr. Nancy, yours is one of
the most interesting requests
I have ever received.
Candidly, I can't imagine any
family who has lost a loved one
wanting to see a mannequin
that resembles that person.
Of course, we want to respond
to our customers as positively
as possible,
so I see no reason why,
when it comes time
for a change of mannequins,
that we wouldn't sell it
to you at the same price
we would get
from our normal resources.
Simply talk to our store manager
there at Glendale
and she will let you know
when the time comes.
Sincerely, Bruce A. Nordstrom.
Reginald Perse,
corporate display manager."
Reginald Perse.
Nordstrom's immediately
followed with a second letter.
- They were on this.
- Dear Mr. Nancy,
your letter was forwarded to me
by Mr. Bruce Nordstrom
and I am aware of your request
for a particular mannequin
resembling a deceased friend.
After reading your letter,
I was somewhat perplexed
as to which mannequin
you were talking about,
as our store does not use male
mannequins in our display area.
I would be more than happy
to work with you
once we are able to isolate
which mannequin this could be.
Sincerely, Store Manager.
Reginald Perse,
corporate display manager."
- Reginald Perse.
- Oh, my God!
Dear Nordstrom's,
thank you for your help.
However, there's been
a new development.
We were hoping
to buy your mannequin
so my neighbor could take it
to the Olive Garden
and maybe Six Flags Magic
Mountain and go on some rides...
to help with the grieving.
This family needs this.
However, on another visit
to your store,
my neighbor had her eye
on a different mannequin
in the camping department.
This is a younger mannequin,
better built, taller,
no windbreaker, muscle shirt.
I named it Carlo for her."
Carlo.
"Personally, I think
it's too young for her.
But to help with the grieving,
I ask you..."
"How much is that
mannequin in the window?
For the widow woman?
Let's get her back
to a solid relationship.
Ted L. Nancy." No, I don't...
You know, I love traveling
this world.
I consider myself
an international nothing.
A nobody here, a nobody there.
But the only place
I'll ever eat at
is the International
House of Pancakes,
which is now officially a chain
of filthy restaurants.
Try the one in Burbank,
I was there about four or five
weeks ago in Burbank
at the Pancake House,
took a look at the menu,
there were pictures of flies
on the pictures of the food.
I don't mind a little grease
on the table,
but I think it's disgusting
while you're eating
a fly lands on your table,
slips and breaks his leg.
So I wrote to the Netherlands,
being the international
nothing that I am,
and I wrote,
"Dear Reservations,
I am staging my play
in Amsterdam
and need to know
what health permits I need
to stay at your hotel
for 12 nights.
My play is called Hamsterdam.
It involves a telling
of the history of your city
using 300 hamsters.
All hamsters have been
inoculated for hamster diseases.
I keep them contained
in special hamster bins
which have been cleared
by local U.S. health peoples.
I believe his name is Andy.
Do you have cricket vending
machines as I have heard?
Sincerely, Ted L. Nancy."
"Amstel Hotel,
The Netherlands.
Dear Ted,
unfortunately the hamsters
are not allowed in our hotel.
The Amstel Hotel
can not accommodate
300 little hamsters in a room.
Please be assured
that we hope that your show
will be a great event,
but we can not reserve
a room for the hamsters.
No hamster!
With kind regards...,
reservations trainee."
Dear Hotel Amstel,
thank you very kindly
for getting back to me.
In this day and age,
it is so nice to deal with
a hotel as professional
and dignified as yours. Larry!
Sorry, I bark out men's names
when agitated.
It is a disease I am controlling
with Canadian medications.
Hector!
Now, I understand your concern
about keeping 300 hamsters
in my room. It is wrong.
I now realize
it is a disease issue.
That is why I have decided
to re-stage my Hamsterdamplay.
It is now called Amsterclam.
I need to bring 500 clams
into your hotel
and have them live
in the room with me.
Clams are not like filthy
hamsters. They are wet.
Please alert housekeeping
so when they open the door
they can spray.
Sincerely, Ted L. Nancy."
No further reply.
Ribbit.
Here's a letter
I think you may enjoy.
It was to Ralphs supermarket,
which is my
favorite supermarket.
"Dear favorite supermarket
I shop at,
I recently bought a sponge
from you.
I was in my kitchen
and I put my sponge
on the kitchen sink.
The next morning,
when I woke up,
that sponge was in the bedroom
with me.
How did it get there?
I took that sponge
and locked it in a room.
All night I heard banging.
That sponge wanted to get out.
But I wouldn't let it.
I want to talk to somebody there
about the possibility
that my sponge is haunted.
Sincerely, Ted L. Nancy."
Dear Mr. Nancy,
we were sorry to hear
that you're less than satisfied
with the performance
of this product.
We've had no reports
of similar situations.
We forwarded your letter
to our supplier,
asking that they follow up
with you.
Respectfully yours,
your favorite supermarket."
Dear favorite supermarket,
you said I would be hearing
from the supplier
of this sponge.
I have not heard from them.
And this sponge is bad.
After I got your letter,
I went down to my basement
and locked this sponge
in a steel box,
and put a chain around that box.
Then I boarded up the door
with over a thousand nails.
Then I put a manacle
on that door.
Then I went upstairs to my room
to get a good night's sleep.
At about three o'clock
in the morning, I woke up.
That sponge was right
by my bed.
I am scared.
Also, do you sell Brillo
at your store?
Sincerely, Ted L. Nancy."
Thought I had a pretty good
idea for a business.
You know, sometimes you go,
you know what?
This one's a winner.
I've had quite a few losers,
but this one's gonna take off,
I feel it.
So I needed a sign made
so I wrote to,
"Dear Banners
and Signs For Less,
I am opening
a business next to
a Koo Koo Koo-Roo restaurant.
My business is called
I Am The Walrus.
I need a sign which
I will put next to them,
so I will have one big
sign that says,
"I am the walrus,
koo koo koo-roo."
I wrote to a seating company,
so I thought why not stand? Huh?
"Mr. Albert Meyer,
American Seating Company.
I had a seating question
and was referred to you
because you manufacture
stadium seating.
When entering or exiting a row,
which is the proper side to face
the person sitting down?
Rear to them or crotch to them?
Last week at a sporting event,
I had to leave my seat.
There was a row of people
all from the same family.
I moved down the row
realizing my buttocks
were not two inches
from this guy's entire family.
But then again,
if I turned around
and moved down the aisle
the other way,
I would have shown
his entire family my crotch.
Isn't that worse?
Stadium seating
is the only situation in life
where you can show whole rows
of people your butt or crotch
and it's acceptable.
Thank you for your answer.
Sincerely, Ted L. Nancy."
"Dear Mr. Nancy,
your letter on crotch or butt
was most interesting.
In fact, in all 38 years
of which I have been
in this business,
it is probably
the most interesting question
that I have ever been asked.
I have shared your letter
with numerous of my colleagues.
But alas,
we have no good answer.
The only suggestion
that we could come up with
is for you to come early
before anyone has arrived,
stay in your seat
for the entire time,
and wait until everyone else
has gone before leaving.
This, of course, could cause an
even more embarrassing problem.
Sincerely, Albert H. Meyer,
president,
American Seating Company."
I went to... I was in the city
of Huntington Beach.
Fine city. The parking is...
is insane in Huntington Beach.
I stopped at a meter, it said,
"18 minutes for a quarter."
What can you do in 18 minutes?
Go get another quarter,
that's what you can do.
"Dear City Of Huntington Beach,
I am moving to your city soon
with my electronic
nose blowing machine.
I will keep this machine
on my patio.
My nose blowing machine
makes a loud noise
as if someone
is blowing their nose.
This may be annoying to some.
The machine activates every
two hours for nine blows,
some short, too long,
some only one nostril
as the other is clogged.
Sometimes
it is four short noises,
sometimes one really long one
or a series of sharp honks.
At 3:00 in the morning,
the noise gets bad
as I put the volume up to nine.
Please send me information. My
alligator's name is Ricardo."
Ricardo.
Mr. Nancy filled out the
City of Huntington Beach's
application for
a nose blowing machine.
Under "describe use of product,"
Mr. Nancy put,
"blow my nose on people."
And if you wouldn't mind, sir,
just verifying this
is the actual form
from Huntington Beach,
verifying that you see
where it says "blow my nose
on people" right there.
You see it? Yeah?
He sees it.
I think I got a thumb's up.
Yeah? Thumb's up!
He sees it, Ted.
Thank you, thank you.
Appreciate you letting me
break the fourth wall
and talk to you.
What is your name?
You look like a...
I don't know.
I'm just gonna--
You look like a Carl to me.
Maybe? Sort of?
Do you mind if I call you Carl?
Okay, let... let's call him--
It's on my bucket list to call
a strange man Carl, so...
Not that you're strange. I mean
strange in the best of ways.
Right. Right.
- Uh, this is Ted.
- Thank you for coming, Carl.
- Thank you.
- Thanks for helping us out.
Carl, for your assistance today,
I'm going to present you
with a coupon for Degree
deodorant. Thank you, Carl.
Yes, Carl! Arms down, Carl.
Keep the... keep the arms down.
That's solid stuff, Carl.
"Dear Consulate General
of India,
I have just heard
that the Taj Mahal
will now be remodeled into
a Staples office supply store.
Why? This is insanity.
This is the Taj Mahal
we're talking about.
Will you stock
jumbo paper clips?
Who can assure me that this
sacred monument will continue
to stand as
the regal shrine it is?
Will you carry
three hole punches?
I look forward to hearing
from you on this matter.
Will you sell ink cartridges?
I need many.
Respect for the Taj Mahal.
Sincerely, Ted L. Nancy."
From the
Consulate General of India.
"Dear Mr. Nancy,
with reference to your letter
on the remodeling of Taj Mahal
into a Staples
office supply store,
we have no such information
regarding this issue.
Please let us have the source
of your information
to clarify the matter.
Sincerely, Jasprit Singh,
Assistant Consulate
General Of India."
Oh. That was easy.
"President Vaclav Havel,
Czech Republic.
Just a note to tell you how
much respect I have for you
and how our club respects the
way you have handled yourself
in the dignified manner
you have over the years.
I am happy to announce that we
have bestowed membership on you
in the Thousand Oaks
Vacuum Club.
We want you to be our treasurer.
Take our money and invest it.
If you think swimsuit netting
is the answer, then buy it up.
Buy ironing board covers
if you have to.
This is sponsored
by Markel Pest Control.
Your dignity stands
as an endorsement
to those less dignified.
And don't forget,
Markel is the best
at getting rid of pumpkin odor."
We'll rid
your pumpkin odor.
And they will.
"With all the respect I have,
Ted L. Nancy.
Please send me a signed picture
of you for my wall."
"Office of the president,
Czech Republic.
Dear Ted, President Vaclav Havel
appreciates your appointment him
treasurer of your
Thousand Oaks Vacuum Club.
Unfortunately,
it is not possible for him
to give time
to any other activity,
apart from those required of him
as head of state.
Enclosed please find
his autographed photo.
With best regards,
Vladimir Hanzel.
No vacuum!"
I feel the love
from the audience.
- Whoo!
- I'm feeling it.
It may not be love,
but something's on me.
Something's washing over me.
I thought it was your love,
but it...
Something's itching me
right now.
I got it on me.
Actually, it's very nice and I'm
so glad that we are here
because it's nice
to see some theater.
I watch too much television.
I just bought a 62-inch TV,
which is big, considering
I'm only 59 inches.
But it is nice to be here
at the Geffen Theater
Nightclub Hotel and Casino
out here,
right up here
on the Le Conte Strip.
This Geffen is one of our finest
Indian casinos.
Just be glad it's not
a coffee shop.
There's too many
coffee shops opening.
It's getting out of hand.
These Starbucks
are opening everywhere.
Saw this morning a Starbucks
opened in a Coffee Bean.
So I wrote
to the Harriet Carter Gifts.
Are you all familiar
with Harriet Carter?
Maybe some of you are out there?
They make these fine products,
a fine company, Harriet Carter.
And I wrote to them...
"Dear Harriet Carter
customer service,
I want to order
a product from you.
My electronic nose blowing
machine blew out.
My neighbor attacked it.
I think it over-blew.
It was supposed to blow its nose
12 times during the night
every 40 minutes.
It reversed and blew its nose
40 times in 12 minutes.
Is Shelly there?
Sincerely, Ted L. Nancy."
"Thank you for your inquiry.
I am sending information
about the neti pot.
It is not electronic, though.
Sincerely yours,
Harriet Carter Gifts
customer service department.
Mix saline solution
using warm water.
Tilt your head to one side
and gently insert the spout
into the upper nostril.
Relax. If you are calm,
water flows right through.
Keep breathing through your
mouth. Stay relaxed.
$7.98."
"Dear Harriet Carter Gifts,
thank you for answering me
regarding your
electronic nose blowing machine.
And thank you for the picture
of the woman
with the fireplace squeezer
in her nostril.
Many hours of enjoyment
looking at it.
Now I want to know
if you have the electric chair.
This is the chair that is
designed to shock those peoples
that need punishment.
A wet spongy leather cap
is placed on your head
after shaving your head and leg.
The Harriet Carter volt lever
is pulled
and 2,000 volts go
through the offender.
Some mess may occur.
Also, do you have toe socks
as others have told me?
Harriet Carter
is the finest company out there.
- Sincerely, Ted L. Nancy."
-"Dear Mr. Fred Nancy,
we do not carry
the electric chair.
But we do carry toe socks.
Thank you for your kind words
about our company.
It is a pleasure to serve you.
Toe-separating socks keep your
piggies apart, dry and healthy.
One size fits most. $6.98."
"Dear Harriet Carter Gifts,
thank you for answering me
regarding the electric chair.
I am sorry you do not carry it.
Now, I was wondering
if you carry the gas chamber.
This is designed to gas those
peoples that need punishment.
Harriet Carter cyanide pellets
are plopped
into the compartment.
A Harriet Carter lever is pulled
and the poison gas is
sucked in through the nostrils.
Can I use the neti pot for this?
Responses can include
convulsions
and excessive drooling.
Some mess may occur.
Also, do you have dog vests?
Harriet Carter is the best
company I have ever heard of
for customer service,
customer dedication
and general customer--
need another word here.
I will note it in my folder.
Sincerely, Ted L. Nancy.
Not Fred."
"We do not carry
the gas chamber.
Small reflective dog vest
is $9.98.
We have included an order form
and an envelope.
Sincerely yours,
Harriet Carter Gifts
customer service department."
I have 21 of these Harriet
Carter letters and replies.
"Dear Harriet Carter Gifts,
thank you for answering me
regarding my gas chamber item.
I am sorry you do not carry it.
Now I was wondering
if you carry
the Harriet Carter Firing Squad.
Some mess may occur.
Also, do you have the Smart Mop
for the "some mess
that may occur?"
Harriet Carter is the best
company I have ever heard of.
I will note it in my folder
and show others.
Respectfully, Fred Nancy."
"Dear Mr. Fred Nancy,
we do not carry
the firing squad.
But we do sell the Smart Mop.
Smart Mop soaks up ten times
its weight in water
than string or sponge mop.
It includes three shammies.
$14.98.
Smart Mop!
I'm smarter than this mop!
The customer is always right
at Harriet Carter."
- Harry Lecter!
- Harriet Carter!
- Are you okay?
- Yeah, I'm good.
Let's go, 20 more!
Let's do this!
Would you like...
Would you like a break?
Maybe a little break in...
- Really?
- Of course.
Is there time? Quick break.
So sorry.
- Time? We got nothing but time.
- Nothing but time. Thank you.
Ah!
Ah! The customer is always right
at Harriet Carter.
Hi, Carl. How you doing?
Do your thing now, go. Do it!
Do you want solar panels?
You can save up to 80 percent
on your electric bill.
Never pay
an electric bill again.
Are you the homeowner?
Is Mrs. Pagliacci there?
Larry!
Has anyone seen
the water cooler? Sam?
We got him off Angie's List.
$99 for eight hours.
You all look so... so nice,
and it's so nice to see people
dressed up and nice and...
the ladies in their nice
dresses, men in suit and ties.
You never see anybody in a suit
and tie anymore.
The only people you see now
in suit and ties
are in a coffin
in a funeral home.
That's it.
You gotta literally be dead
to put on a suit and tie now.
Ordering Jinjiang Jiaxing Group
Jiang, Fujian, China.
"Dear Jiaxing peoples,
I need to buy clothing
for my chain of stores.
I own Plus Size Batman Wear.
For the big man in your life
who dresses like Batman.
Yes we have XXXL capes.
We have 72-inch waist belts.
See us for tights that stretch
to a 500-pound man.
Can you make this costume?
China is a wonderful country.
They fixed my computer.
Respectfully, Ted L. Nancy."
"Dear Nancy,
okay, note your requirement
of obese Batman wear.
We can do as your any size
you want,
please kindly advice the below
style, is it okay for you?
Best regards, Peter."
"Dear Peter
at Jiaxing Batman Company,
thank you for your most
timely email.
It is quite appreciated in this
day and age of internet disgust,
revulsion and nastiness
and untimely emails.
I was quite impressed with your
email and emailing etiquette,
and lack of disgust
and repulsion.
All 14 of us here were
impressed with the quality,
including Morris
who hands out the medicines.
I am hoping we can do business.
Respectfully, Ted L. Nancy."
"Dear Nancy, okay, noted.
May I have your size?
Please kindly advise.
Best regards, Peter."
"Dear Peter, once again
your email is outstanding.
Precise, concise, compressed,
and concise again, and clear,
and one more concise.
I have notified the Email
Association Of America, EAA.
I sent them a letter by regular
mail and rated this a 5B@.
My shoppers are usually
600-pounders and above.
Most have been cut
out of the wall.
Which reminds me of a very funny
"cut out of the wall" story.
This 1,100-pound man was being
cut out of his home by firemens.
They sawed a hole in the side
of his house
so he could be taken out.
I turned to my companion
and said,
'All this to buy shoes.'
We both had a chuckle.
Respectfully, Ted L. Nancy."
"Dear Nancy, okay, noted.
Please kindly advice
the following question:
The material is cotton
with 'spendex,' is it okay?
Best regards, Peter."
"Dear Jiaxing Batman Fatties,
sorry for the three-week delay
in answering your email.
I am being treated
for outbursts. Rudy!
Let's get me some fatty batty
prices. Ted L. Nancy."
"No further reply."
Ribbit.
Look at us, trying to get
a laugh here with some...
Just a cruise ship horn, that's
what we're relying on here
to try to get a laugh.
How pathetic are we, huh?
Next you'll think we're
gonna try to get a laugh
with maybe some casino slot
machine noises or something.
So I wanted to take a cruise.
I was depressed, I was on that
antidepressant drug Zoloft.
Which the side effects were
nausea, dizziness and diarrhea,
which, hey, is a pretty good
Saturday night for me.
"Dear Cruise Deals,
I am interested in--
Dear Cruise Deals,
I am interested in taking your
14-day cruise to Bermuda for
myself and my companion Frito.
Frito has a disability.
He suffers from
Tourette's sign language.
This is a form
of Tourette's Syndrome,
where one shouts out
obscene words.
Frito is a mute
and cannot speak.
So he makes obscene gestures
at strangers.
Believe me,
it can be quite troublesome
to see an innocent couple
enjoying the warm sun
and Frito
gives them the finger."
I love the random laughter
going on here, I love it.
I love you guys,
I actually love you guys.
"I will be arriving
by raincage from Lodi.
Frito shaves every 30 minutes.
Sincerely, Ted Nancy.
Frito likes limes."
"Thank you for allowing us
to help you reserve
your cruise vacation.
I will work with the cruise
line in any way possible
to accommodate your needs
for travel.
Unfortunately, there are not
any 14-day cruises
offered to Bermuda.
Best regards, Ramona Lemon."
Oh, my-- enough with the horn!
Stop it! Stop it!
Carl, help me!
Please help me!
"Dear Chinook Winds
Indian Casino,
I want to sell ham sandwiches
in your men's room.
People eat 'em up. Why not?
Call me Ernesto when we
first meet. It's for me.
It's an impulse buy that
works 40 percent of the time.
This sign should be
in the men's room mirror:
Yes, we have the potty melt.
Forget about Ernesto.
Call me Miguel. I need this.
Try our sweetbread combo.
Ask for a number three.
Please do not request
pineapple on your ham sandwich.
I do not want to mess with this
in the bathroom.
I was told your casino
was open to new opportunities
in your men's room.
Sincerely, Ted L. Nancy."
"Dear Mr. Nancy, we thank
you for your interest,
but at this time we are not
interested in putting
any business in the restrooms.
We also have five food
outlets for our customers.
Again,
thank you for considering us,
but at this time we are fine.
Sincerely, Shirley Twinton,
purchasing manager.
No ham sandwich!"
"Dear Shirley Twinton,
Chinook Winds Casino,
forget ham sandwiches
in your bathroom stall.
I now realize it was a bad idea.
I want to do tax returns
in your men's room."
"People need their taxes done,
why not when they're
on the potty?
Call me Bernardo when we
first meet. I need it.
It's an impulse buy that
works 60 percent of the time.
Forget Bernardo. Call me Juan
Carlos. I have to have this.
Please do not request an
extension while on the toilet."
"I was told that your casino was
open to new tax opportunities
in your men's room?
Sincerely, Ted L. Nancy?"
Jackpot!
"Luxury Hotel, San Francisco,
I would like to check in
for a week.
I have a problem which
I like to address to hotels
I eat my mattress.
Can you give me a flat rate
so I will not be charged
an excessive amount for the
bedding I chew and nibble on?
I am sorry I eat
through my mattress.
This is something
I have to deal with.
Especially
when the mattress is chewy.
I would like a set fee
on what my charge would be
for the gnawed and partially
eaten bedding.
Thank you, Ted L. Nancy."
"Dear Mr. Nancy,
regarding your question
about the cost of damage
to a guest room,
we would have to have
the housekeeping department
give you an estimate
before your departure.
Yeah. You see,
without sending you the cost
of all of our bedding,
it would be impossible
to answer this question.
It might be better if I put you
in touch with someone else."
M... maybe Ron.
Yeah, Ron.
He would be good
with chewed up bedding.
Ron, at extension 103.
Ron, who eats my lunch every day
even though I put my name on it!
Ron, who still owes me $4
for Bridget's birthday lunch!
- Ron, who stole Bridget's--
- Wait, what...
What are you doing?
There's no hotel manager
that walks around like that.
You.. You look...
you look like...
You look like Jeff Goldblum
in The Fly.
I think I saw some...
some bristly hairs...
Oh, you still do...
some bristly hairs break out
on your back.
You look like a praying mantis.
"Mr. Nancy, I hope that
I've been of some help to you.
Best regards, hotel manager."
"Dear Huntington Hotel,
so nice of you to write back
- my eating my bed.
- I also chew on the drapes."
- Ron!
"This is only the bottom
of the drapes
as the top is too thick
and I can't digest them
- properly without massive gas."
- Yeah, yeah, Ron!
"Looking forward
to a comfortable stay.
- Sincerely, Ted L. Nancy."
- No further reply.
Ribbit.
Let me make my way
out here with you fine folks.
I hope the momentum of my weight
doesn't catapult me
into the audience here.
I feel like some kind
of a beach ball
being passed around a festival.
I wrote to the Best Western
Motel in Reno, Nevada,
which is a fantastic
luxury motel.
I don't know if anybody...
fantastic...
Anybody ever stay
at the Best Western in Reno?
It's fantastic and extensive
remodeling going on at this one.
There was new duct tape
on the carpeting.
I checked in, I said,
"What kind of a view
do you get for $60 a night?"
He goes,
"For $60 a night, you get a view
of someone paying $80 a night."
Checked in, got my tetanus shot,
I went right up to the room.
Slept like a baby over there,
I crayoned on the walls.
Terrible security
at the Best Western.
The security guard
called me from the parking lot
and said, "Is your car
still here?"
Maid knocked on my door,
asked if she could clean up,
I said, "Okay."
She came in, she took a shower,
she did her hair.
"Dear Best Western Hotel
Reno, Nevada,
I will be arriving
by tuna boat March 1,
wish to make reservations
at your grand motel.
How can I be sure that I will
be treated with utmost respect?
Can someone help me
with my respect when I check in?
How much respect will I get?
Seeking respect. Thank you.
Respectfully, Ted L. Nancy."
"Best Western Reno, Nevada.
Dear Mr. Nancy, thank you
for your interest in our hotel.
I can assure you
you will be treated
like all other patrons
that stay with us,
and that is with respect.
Respectfully, front desk clerk.
P.S. I hope you are aware
we don't have
any docking facilities
for your tuna boat.
No tuna boat. No disrespect."
- You still in there?
- Yeah, I'm still here.
Where am I gonna go, huh?
You... you're on the floor
in the dark.
I'm in the Witness
Protection Program!
- You're on the--
- I got a whole backstory!
You have no idea what I'm--
I got a lot of free time
over here to work stuff out.
I just want the audience
to know that no actors
were harmed during
this production.
Give it time, give it time.
I wrote to the Ziploc
plastic bag company.
I love these household things,
the plastic bags,
Saran Wrap, plastic wrap,
I love plastic wrap.
It's gotta be the greatest
invention in the world
because before plastic wrap,
you would just take the
leftovers and throw them out.
Now, with plastic wrap,
you take the leftovers,
you wrap them in plastic wrap,
you put them
in the refrigerator,
then two weeks later
you throw them both out.
"Dear Ziploc plastic bag
company,
I have been using your bags
for years to put sandwiches in.
It does keep in the freshness.
What is disturbing to me,
and I want to be sensitive here,
is I have noticed your bags
are now used by people
to put dog poop in.
Your 'keeps the freshness in'
does not work anymore.
It is now hard to use
my Ziploc sandwich bag
when all I see is people walking
around with bags of dog poop.
Maybe you could make
a dog poop bag
so people could use
that to put their sandwiches in.
- Ted L. Nancy."
- Hand in poop bag.
"Hello.
While I'm sorry to hear
of your recent experience
regarding Ziploc brand
sandwich bags,
please know we do not have
control as to what others choose
to store or pick up in our bags.
Kind regards, consumer
relationship center.
"Dear Ziploc, thank you
for your poop bag reply.
After a close examination
of the Ziploc bags,
I have now keenly noticed
they are also being used
for marijuana.
This is unacceptable to me
as one who actually uses
your bags for sandwiches.
Am I the only one left?
Who's really using your bags
for sandwiches? Not moms.
Not office workers.
It's junkies and poop people.
I'm having trouble
eating my sandwich.
Sorry, Ted."
Junkies and poop people,
oh my!
All gone.
Um, excuse me?
This is the announcer.
What time does Ralphs close?
"Dear Topps
Baseball Card company,
in 1960, I was an employee
of a hotel in Miami Beach
where Mickey Mantle
was staying.
I was summoned
to Mr. Mantle's room
to deliver room service to him.
He ordered
an egg salad sandwich.
As I was setting up
the room service tray,
I noticed Mr. Mantle
clipping his toenails.
I'll never forget it
as long as I live.
I watched out of the corner of
my eye as he clipped every toe.
He had trouble
with the last nail,
but eventually
his diligence paid off.
At that moment,
the telephone rang."
- Hello?
- Hi, Mickey.
- What are you doing?
- Hey, baby.
Leave the egg salad sandwich.
I'll eat it later.
"After Mr. Mantle
left the room,
I sat down
and secured all the toenails
that had been clipped off.
There are almost ten toenails.
Nine and some shavings,
but a full set.
I wanna donate this collection
to your card company.
Sincerely, Ted L. Nancy."
Topps baseball card company
was so impressed with the idea
of such a collection that
they sent my letter on
to the Hall of Fame.
And can you believe it?
The Hall of Fame wrote me back.
Dear Mr. Nancy, we're
very interested in your story
of the Mickey Mantle toenails,
and how you obtained them
in Miami Beach in 1960
while delivering room service.
This is a fascinating tale,
and we'd be interested
in examining them
before we reach any decision.
Thank you for thinking
of the historical importance
of these items. Sincerely,
Peter Clark, registrar."
I wonder what Mickey
Mantle's nails could be worth.
I'm gonna ask my nephew
Rudy to help me.
He likes baseball
and toe nails.
He wanted to get insurance
for the nails
in case something happened
to them on the way
to the Hall of Fame.
These are Mickey Mantle's
toenails.
And we need them insured.
Because they're gonna
end up in the Hall of Fame,
with your help. Paul, what do
you think each toe is worth?
I don't know,
I'm not an appraiser.
But...
See how many we have.
Four, five, six,
seven, eight...
Two, four, six, eight...
we have a full set.
It's a full set.
Plus, shavings.
What is your
uncle's name?
Ted L. Nancy.
Just like it sounds.
He has a lime
in his appendix.
$25,000 contents,
$100,000 liability...
Rudy's on his way
to Cooperstown.
He put up a few signs,
just in case the nails
get into the Hall of Fame.
I wonder if they'll get in.
I have something that I think,
I hope, that you may
find interesting.
Um, take a look
at this letter.
Remember that?
If you like,
you can read it out loud.
"We are very interested
in your story
of the Mickey Mantle toenails
and how you obtained them
in Miami Beach in 1960
while delivering room service.
Sincerely, Peter Clark."
- That's you.
- That's me.
- Look at this, Mr. Clark.
- My gosh.
- Isn't that wonderful?
- Look at that.
Each toenail's
at a position.
- Wow.
- This nail's the pitcher,
this is third base,
that's the big toe
- on second base.
- That looks great.
Ready to turn a double play.
I have some ideas.
What would... where would you
think they would go?
Well, we have,
as you might know,
Ty Cobb's dentures,
which are on view
- up in the museum right now.
- All right.
Cob Webb was one of my favorite
ball players.
- Cob Webb was?
- Yeah.
- He was a great guy.
- He's a great guy.
I... was wondering if...
if this could be enshrined here
in the Baseball Hall of Fame.
This would be... this would just
make our collection.
- Really?
- This could be...
the defining moment
for the Hall of Fame right here.
This is a dream
come true for myself
and I will speak for my uncle,
Mr. Ted Nancy.
- Great.
- And thank you so much.
- I wish I could meet him myself.
- Thank you so much.
This is Tim.
Have you ever thought about
a reverse mortgage?
Live in your own home
and get cash every month.
Is Mrs. Pagliacci there?
This is a government program
for depressed clowns.
Do you like mangos?
Do you have teeth?
Are your gums swollen?
Hector!
We got them both
off Angie's List.
Let me make my way out here
with you fine folks again
and I hope you're enjoying this
as much as I am.
Because I think you guys
are great,
and it's nice
to hear your laughter.
It's nice...
Uh, it's a beautiful thing
for someone to laugh
and, you know, there's so much
crime in the world,
so it's nice
to make people laugh.
Right, I thought, you know,
maybe I'll write
to a comedy club,
why not open a comedy club
because there's too much crime
going on.
I stopped at a 7-Eleven
on the way in tonight.
There was a little sticker
on the register at 7-Eleven.
"Clerk has no money."
Of course he has no money,
he's working at 7-Eleven.
They have to embarrass him too?
How about a sign,
"Clerk has no car,
no followers or friends,"
or "Clerk has no CVS points."
Nothing, he's got nothing.
Then I'm watching
a high-speed chase out here,
I guess it was on the 405
a week or so ago.
The guy must have been doing
about 100 miles an hour
and the police are chasing him.
And he's on the freeway,
this guy, and then he's off
the freeway,
he's on a side street,
now he's back on the freeway.
Now he's on a surface street.
I'm saying, "Hey, hey, hey.
I know this guy's a criminal.
Say what you want about him,
but he just showed me two
new ways to get home."
So I thought, why not open
a comedy club, you know?
Let's make, uh...
let's make that happen.
So I wrote to the,
"Dear city of Glendale
business licenses, can you
tell me what happened
to the application for my
license for my comedy club,
The Jokestrap?
The Jokestrap
is 17 tables in a mini mall.
All comedy club food including
fried cheese yums are on order.
We may have burnt
almond cheese straws.
I hire locally
and use local cheese.
Respectfully, Ted L. Nancy."
"City of Glendale,
- The Jokestrap Comedy Club.
Dear applicant, the Building
Department has not received
such an application
regarding your business.
Yours truly,
License Department."
"Dear City
of Downey Business Licenses,
it is been some time
since I sent in my application
for my comedy club Joke Itch.
Joke Itch is 22 tables
in an industrial area.
All comedy club food including
cheese yanks
and cheese squats are on order.
May be under earlier name
of Joke Ointment.
I admire your city.
I once yelled out the name
Ricardo there in a crowd.
We have already
hired our headlining act,
Tickles the Diseased Clown.
Respectfully, Ted L. Nancy."
"City of Downey.
Dear Mr. Nancy,
unfortunately the city of Downey
has no existing records
for an application
of a business license
for the comedy club Joke Itch
or Joke Ointment.
Sincerely, City Licenses."
"Business Licenses,
City of Norwalk.
Can you tell me what happened
to my application
for my business license?
I own a comedy club
called Jesticles.
Jesticles is 150-seat comedy
club on a freeway off-ramp.
Our opening headliner
is Fumbles,
the Fire-Juggling
Epileptic Clown.
You cashed my check.
We don't sell cheese.
Respectfully, Ted L. Nancy."
"City of Norwalk...
Jesticles.
Dear business owner,
I don't believe that you filed
a business license application
with the city of Norwalk.
I checked our files
and I found no record
of an application for a
comedy club named Jesticles.
Sincerely, License Department,
City of Norwalk."
Jesticles, ha!
"Dear Faårup Sommerland
theme park in Saltum, Denmark.
I am trying to locate my mother.
I understand you have
an employee working
in your theme park
professionally known
as Dyna the Mighty Mite,
real first name is Gloria.
She is part of the performing
Squeak Family of which
Peepo the Wonder Squirt
is her husband.
She once belched up a crouton
in your parking lot.
She eats herring, has a freckle
that looks like Michael Bublé.
She does manatee imitations.
Her catch phrase is,
"I got a, I got a,
I got a bad itch on my scalp."
We have her fungus cream.
Is my mother working
at your theme park?
Maybe at the Crumb Club.
Thank you, Faårup Sommerland,
for caring for others
and helping others with people
for others in matters.
Sincerely, Ted L. Nancy."
"Dear Mr. Nancy,
we have received your letter
regarding our mother.
Unfortunately,
we are not able to help you out
as we have never
heard about her.
We do not have that
kind of performance in our park
and all of our employees
are Danish.
I hope you will be successful
in finding your mother
somewhere else.
Best regards, Faårup Sommerland
Guest Relations."
Excuse me,
this is the announcer again.
Anyone know if there's
a Ralphs in Woodland Hills?
Took a plane recently.
I fly coach.
Getting a little cramped
there in coach.
The, uh, the rows
are just so pressed together.
I mean, it's ridiculous.
You're sitting--
There's no legroom anyway,
but you're sitting there,
the guy in the row in front
of you leans back,
his head becomes
your whole trip.
"Oh, I'm eating now
with your head.
Maybe I'll have a drink
and read a magazine
with your head."
They now have luggage stores
at the airport.
Who is home packing
forgetting this, huh?
"Let's see, I have my underwear
and my socks
and my toiletries.
I'll just scoop this stuff up
in my arms
and get on the plane.
I hope I don't drop my underwear
off in the aisle
while I'm looking
for my seat."
"Dear Armour Meats, I want
to take a 59-foot-by-22-foot
baloney on the plane with me.
Will it fit in the overhead bin?
I need this baloney to arrive
in one piece.
Southwest Fun Jet C Group
boarding.
I think a hot baloney
in a hot plane in the hot sun
is not such a good idea. Huh?
Hey, what time is it
there in Nampa?
It's 3:00 here.
Sincerely, Ted L. Nancy,
- Meat Chair Committee."
-"Dear Mr. Nancy,
I'm sorry to say, but we do not
make baloney at this plant.
I think that you may have
your measurements wrong.
A baloney 59-feet-by-22-feet
would weigh 60,000 pounds.
We wish you luck.
Human resource manager."
"Dear Colorado Belle Casino
Lost And Found.
I was visiting
your casino recently
as part of a semi-large
to full midsize group.
In my visit,
I was distracted, confused,
and lost from my group.
Did you find
a bag of otter hair?
This hair is used
as a second coat of hair
for my 40-year-old otter, Louis.
The hair is grayish,
brownish, yellowish,
with reddish striping.
It was in a pinkish,
blueish, greenish bag.
I hope that's not confusing.
I am concerned
my bag of otter hair
will end up in the wrong hands.
Ted L. Nancy."
"Mr. Nancy, I'm sorry
we haven't been able
to locate your bag
of otter hair.
Sincerely, Wilma,
Lost And Found."
It's probably in the dump.
"Office of the
Prime Minister of Greenland.
Dear Prime Minister
Kuupik Kleist,
just a note to say that you
are the best president
of a foreign country
I have ever seen. I admire you.
And so do all members
of our men's group
that is made up
of Greenlandians.
There are 72 of us,
71 over age 50
and one who is 18 in November.
We admire Greenland
and what it means
to be surrounded
by all that ice.
Without ice, what would we have?
We would have no snow cones,
no ice machines in hotels,
no names for rappers.
Nothing to chew on after
we drink a beverage.
Imagine a whole nation
without ice.
Freshen my drink.
Can you please send us
an autographed picture
that we could put up over
our refrigerator
so every time we open
the freezer door
and get a blast of cold air
we are reminded of you?
With utter respect,
Ted L. Nancy."
"Dear Mr. Nancy,
thank you for your letter
and your interest
in Greenlandic matters.
I am glad to send you here
a signed picture
of Premier Kuupik Kleist.
Mm...
Yours sincerely,
Assistant to Mr. Kleist."
Little kisses! Mm!
Mm! Mm!
Well, we're
at the one-third mark.
Get you out of here
about midnight tonight.
Cushion crunch?
More deodorant coupons.
Everyone's gonna get
a deodorant coupon.
"Dear Sbicca Shoes,
I am in the process
of opening Ba-Nannys.
This is nanny wear that is
bright yellow like a banana.
You will know that a nanny
is in the room
when she is dressed from head
to toe in bright yellow.
You go,
'Oh, it must be the nanny.
She looks like a banana.'
Could be some green on top
like the stem.
I need bright yellow shoes.
Respectfully, Ted L. Nancy."
"Hello. Could you
send us an example
of what you're thinking of?
Thank you, Sean."
"Dear Sean, thank you
for getting back to me
on my Ba-Nanny shoes.
I now own Waiter-Melons.
This is uniforms for the waiter
industry that are bright red
with black seeds on them
like a watermelon.
You will know that a waiter
is in the room
when he is dressed from head
to toe like a watermelon.
You go, 'Oh,
it must be the waiter,
he looks like a watermelon.'
Possibly some green on the top
like a rind, but I am open.
Ted."
Jackpot!
"Dear Health Guard, I love
your toilet seat covers.
They make great cowboy hats.
You pop out the top,
put 'em on your head,
you're ready for line dancing.
I'm thinking of moving
to Rangoon. What do you think?
Thanks for making the best
toilet seat cover out there.
I tell everyone who sits
on a toilet seat.
Some listen.
I was punched once on a bus.
Respectfully, Ted L. Nancy."
"Dear Mr. Nancy,
just a note to say thank you.
We appreciate any feedback
we get from the users.
Enclosed please find
a sample for your use.
Sincerely, vice president
of Health Guard."
"Dear Poetry Contest,
I want to enter your poetry
contest and win that prize.
Here is my poem.
'My Hate for Poetry Contests'...
by Ted L. Nancy.
Oh, how I hate poetry contests
They disgust me to no end
Those wretched poetry contests
I enter again and again
Oh, how I hate poetry contests
I know I'll never win
But I know I must
send my poem in again
And try once more to do this
Hello, darkness, my old friend"
"Dear Ted, congratulations!
Your poem,
'My Hate for Poetry Contests,'
has been chosen for publication!
The judges gave careful
consideration
when it came to choosing
the best poems.
And your work was selected."
I can't even stop 'em.
I can't stop 'em.
- Don't stop 'em.
- "Here is your chance
to own 'My Hate for Poetry
Contests' in print.
After all, what is the point
of writing poetry at all,
if it can't be read
and felt by those people
that are most important to you?
Sincerely, the International
Library of Poetry."
"Dear Poetry Contest peoples,
I am refining my poem
that I have entered before.
It is now to where I want it.
Here it is:
'Why I Really Hate Poetry
Contests' by Ted L. Nancy.
Oh, how I really hate
poetry contests
They keep sending you
crap through the mail
Oh, I can't stand
to receive junk
From poetry contests anymore
They turn my stomach no end
Oh, these stupid poetry contests
They just want you
to buy their book
I have to make a doody now
Hello, darkness, my old friend
I am the poetry man
I just want to go to the trash
And chuck it
There was an old lady
from Nantucket
I can rhyme orange
If I use car hinge"
"Dear Ted, congratulations!
Your poem, 'Why I Really
Hate Poetry Contests,'
has been selected as one
of our semifinalists,
based on its originality
and creativity.
Congratulations!"
"Dear Poetry Contest,
I have revised my poem again.
It is now really down
to where I want it to be.
'Why I'm Going to Jump
Off a 30-Story Building Because
of Your Poetry Contests,'
by Ted L. Nancy.
Oh, I'm going
to jump off a building
Because of your poetry contest
I can't take any more
of your mail to me
Oh, I shake every time
your junk comes to my door
I'm gonna throw myself
off a big building
Down, down, down
Down to the floor
Because of you I will jump
This is the end
I will splatter all over
like a cream pie
Then it will surely be
Hello, darkness, my old friend
Could you please leave
a mattress on the sidewalk?"
"After carefully reading
and discussing your poem,
our selection committee
has certified your poem
as a semifinalist.
Ted, imagine your poem featured
in a beautiful
coffee table edition,
and commemorated
with a walnut plaque.
We are pleased that 'Why I'm
Going to Jump Off a 30-Story
Building Because
of Your Poetry Contests'
will achieve
national recognition.
If you are dissatisfied, your
money will be promptly refunded.
Sincerely, the International
Library of Poetry."
Ted, congratulations!
Ted, here you go.
Look what we have for you.
- Congratulations, Ted!
- Oh, my God!
Thank you guys!
Thank you so much!
Thank you!
Give it up for Barry!
Thank you guys!
Thank you guys!
Whoo!
All right, let's have a little
bow here, shall we?
Thank you guys!
Give it up for the booth!
Carl!
Is anyone
going to Woodland Hills?
"Dear Fritos...
it has been some time
since I wrote to you.
All issues have been corrected.
Andy!
Except one. I still bark out
men's names when agitated.
Windex!
It has gotten worse. I now
yell out cleaning products.
I am sorry. Lime-A-Way!
Forgive me.
Overall, though, things have
been pretty good for me.
I got to do this play
and people seem to like it.
They laugh and enjoy themselves.
In the end,
that's what really matters.
Huh? I am still with my
lady friend Phyllis.
I am not her fiancé, though.
She now considers me
a person of interest.
I put this woman on a pedestal,
Fritos.
She is on a pedestal.
I think it was a pedestal.
It could have been a curb.
I just remember lifting her up
and driving away.
Thank you, Fritos, thank you
for starting it all.
Sincerely, Ted L. Nancy."
♪ Stack of letters
lying by the phone ♪
♪ Don't call me back
'cause I ain't alone ♪
♪ Stack of letters
that I never sent ♪
♪ Love, lies, and curses
that I never meant ♪
♪ Well, the "used to beens"
and "could have bes" ♪
♪ And I ain't got no more
♪ Wrestling with the memory
Down on the bathroom floor ♪
♪ Rubber balls and rubber rooms and rubbers left unwrapped ♪
♪ Rapping with the memory
that left my memory tapped ♪
♪ Stack of letters
lying by the phone ♪
♪ Don't call me back
because I ain't alone ♪
♪ Stack of letters
that I never sent ♪
♪ Love, lies, and curses
that I never meant ♪
♪ Tornados and hurricanes
and blizzards deep and white ♪
♪ I made my deliverance
deep in the dark of night ♪
♪ But someone sealed
the envelope ♪
♪ That I once thought
was mine ♪
♪ Postdated all our love
that I once thought sublime ♪
♪ Stack of letters
lying by the phone ♪
♪ Don't call me back
'cause I ain't alone ♪
♪ Stack of letters
that I never sent ♪
♪ Love, lies, and curses
that I never meant ♪
♪ Well, I bought a box
Number 133 ♪
♪ It brings all my bills
and chills ♪
♪ And thrills on home to me
♪ Parcel post to COD
I'm just a mystery ♪
♪ IOU and you owe me
my anonymity ♪
♪ Stack of letters
lying by the phone ♪
♪ Don't call me back
'cause I ain't alone ♪
♪ Stack of letters
that I never sent ♪
♪ Love, lies, and curses
that I never meant ♪
♪ And if I don't
get back to you ♪
♪ It ain't no accident
---
♪ I went through
letters that you wrote me ♪
♪ And followed your words
to the bottom of the page ♪
♪ To find all the things
that you tried to show me ♪
♪ Months ago
at the bottom of the page ♪
♪ All the words
that I once knew ♪
♪ Oh, I gave to you
Yes, I gave to you ♪
♪ And all of the words
that I want to know ♪
♪ Have dried up in the back
of my throat ♪
♪ I set sail
across your words ♪
♪ Hoping never to find shore
Never to find shore ♪
♪ In the ocean of ink
I started to sink ♪
♪ Before your words filled
my lungs with breath again ♪
Please. No, please.
Please. They didn't tell me
an audience was coming,
so that changes quite a bit.
But anyway, thank you so much
for coming to this...
to this nonsense.
I am Ted L. Nancy.
And I appreciate it.
And I'd like to tell you
a little bit about
how all this started,
how I got into writing
these letters
and getting these responses,
kind of an interesting story.
So let me just make my way
out here now.
Walking, dead man walking.
And... now I am here.
Uh, true story. Like, I said,
kind of interesting,
it was about 20 years ago
and I'm sitting in my room,
it's about four o'clock
in the morning.
And I was sitting in my room
with my lady friend Phyllis.
And she was watching TV,
kind of half listening to me,
and I was sitting
in another chair,
mindlessly eating
a bag of Fritos,
you know how you kinda
just shovel snacks in
and stuff like that?
I shouldn't
be eating Fritos then
and I shouldn't
be eating Fritos now
because I've had a weight
problem my whole life
and it's-- I cannot
lose any weight.
And I think I've built myself
into the body
of a small pot roast is what...
There's...
Terrible dieter.
Constant yo-yo dieting.
I just went on one diet.
I had to go on two diets
at the same time 'cause one diet
wasn't giving me enough food.
Listen, I know I'm not
a Chippendale dancer.
Those days are over.
More like a Chip Ahoy dancer.
Easy, easy now.
Uh, terrible exerciser.
I spent two hours at the gym
this morning,
I finally found parking.
That gym is called
Dead Man Working Out.
My idea of a good workout
is I like to strap myself
onto another person
while they're exercising.
Anyway, so I'm eating
these Fritos
and I notice on the side
of the bag of the Fritos,
you know, they have like
a little message.
It said, "You got any problems?
Any issues?
Write Fritos with your issues
We wanna hear from you."
Who needs to write Fritos?
You know, you got issues?
Go to a therapist. You know?
You don't wanna unload
on a corn chip company with...
with your problems, you know.
And Phyllis is going, "Uh-huh.
Yeah." Kind of half listening.
And I go, "What would you say
to Fritos?"
I'm talking out loud. I go,
"Would you act like
you're a moron
and you don't understand
what a Frito is?"
You can't understand the concept
of what they're--
"I have no idea what you're
doing here. What is this?"
And you explain the product.
"I opened your product,
this Frito thing that you have,
and they were all stale
and they were crunchy
and they were hard and I got
orange dust all over me
and I had to throw the whole...
I had... I had to throw
the whole thing away.
It was stale."
And I said, "Who would
write Fritos?"
And Phyllis goes, "A nut, that's
who would write Fritos."
Then the next day
I'm in the 99 cent store
buying some Bon Ami cleanser.
Because I only like cleanser
from 1920.
And I see the same
kind of message.
It says, "You got any problems?
Any issues? Write Bon Ami.
We wanna hear from you."
And it's stamped
Gordon Brukar the V.
But I'm looking at the stamp
and it could be--
it was smudgy.
It could be Brukar the IV. I'm
studying the stamp, you know?
And maybe that's Gordon Brukar
the III.
And I'm building this whole
fantasy of Gordon Brukar
in my head, is there
five Gordon Brukars?
They're selling cleanser?
Is there one Gordon Brukar?
Have I stumbled
on a Gordon Brukar nest?
What is going on here?
What would I say to him?
I wanna write to this man.
I wanna get
into Gordon Brukar's life.
Would I tell him
my Fritos issues?
What would I say to him?
Then I started noticing it,
like, calling to me,
like, you know, all these
companies wanted you
to write to them
and they wanted you to reach out
and answer them.
I get my gas bill.
And the gas bill says,
"Hey, you got any problems?
You wanna write to us?
Tell us what you think
of our gas pamphlets."
And I go,"Well, you know,
I collect the gas pamphlets
and I'm missing
the complete set from 1988.
With all of your gas all-stars."
So I thought, you know what?
I'm gonna write to these people
'cause they wanna hear from me.
And why not?
I've got 23 hours a day to kill.
Why not write to these people?
They wanna hear from me.
That's the sick thing I had
going in my head,
that they wanted
to hear from me.
Nobody really wants
to hear from me.
So with your kind indulgence,
I would like to now
read to you Letters From a Nut.
Did he mention these were real?
So here's one I wrote
to a deodorant company.
I think you'll enjoy it.
Started it off with,
"Ted L. Nancy.
560 North Moorpark Road.
Apartment 236.
Thousand Oaks, California.
91360.
Dear Degree Deodorant.
I have been using your product
for some time.
My underarms
are finally back to normal.
All paperwork is complete.
I have used your deodorant
for everyday functions,
as well as special events,
like at a buffet.
On your deodorant
it says, "Keeps your underarms
cool and dry.' And then I bought
a package of Parmesan cheese,
and it says,
'Store in a cool, dry place.'
What gives? Should I store my
Parmesan cheese under my arms?
Would it be safe
to spray deodorant on my cheese?
What can I eat? Hungry.
Send me a picture
of your deodorant for my wall.
Sincerely, Ted L. Nancy."
"Dear Mr. Nancy. It was
thoughtful of you to let us
hear your comments about Degree.
Comments such as yours
are certainly gratifying,
and most welcome.
As a token of our appreciation,
I am enclosing
a coupon for your use.
Sincerely, Degree Deodorant
consumer representative."
"Dear Akron Summa
City Hospital,
I have a problem. I was
in a coma for five years...
and when I woke up,
I found out my wife had left me
for another man in a coma.
I need my records.
My doctor's name
is Dr. Jhabardi Del Fudgio.
I think he is Ghananese.
He has a freckle.
Sincerely, Ted L. Nancy."
"Dear Mr. Nancy,
we have no patient treated
with the name Ted L. Nancy.
Nor do we have a Dr. Del Fudgio.
Perhaps you have
the wrong facility.
Respectfully,
Akron Summa City Hospital."
"Dear Nordstrom's
department store,
I am a regular shopper
at your store in Glendale.
In the last few weeks,
I have noticed
that a new mannequin you
have out in the store
looks just
like my deceased neighbor.
I have passed this mannequin
from many directions
and the resemblance is uncanny:
nose, cheekbones, hair, even
down to the windbreaker jacket
my neighbor would wear.
Is it possible to buy...
is it possible to buy
this mannequin
so I may present it
to my neighbor's family...
to help with the grieving?
I think having him there
would be good therapeutic
behavior for all.
This family is in need
of some good loving.
Sincerely, Ted L. Nancy."
"Dear Mr. Nancy, yours is one of
the most interesting requests
I have ever received.
Candidly, I can't imagine any
family who has lost a loved one
wanting to see a mannequin
that resembles that person.
Of course, we want to respond
to our customers as positively
as possible,
so I see no reason why,
when it comes time
for a change of mannequins,
that we wouldn't sell it
to you at the same price
we would get
from our normal resources.
Simply talk to our store manager
there at Glendale
and she will let you know
when the time comes.
Sincerely, Bruce A. Nordstrom.
Reginald Perse,
corporate display manager."
Reginald Perse.
Nordstrom's immediately
followed with a second letter.
- They were on this.
- Dear Mr. Nancy,
your letter was forwarded to me
by Mr. Bruce Nordstrom
and I am aware of your request
for a particular mannequin
resembling a deceased friend.
After reading your letter,
I was somewhat perplexed
as to which mannequin
you were talking about,
as our store does not use male
mannequins in our display area.
I would be more than happy
to work with you
once we are able to isolate
which mannequin this could be.
Sincerely, Store Manager.
Reginald Perse,
corporate display manager."
- Reginald Perse.
- Oh, my God!
Dear Nordstrom's,
thank you for your help.
However, there's been
a new development.
We were hoping
to buy your mannequin
so my neighbor could take it
to the Olive Garden
and maybe Six Flags Magic
Mountain and go on some rides...
to help with the grieving.
This family needs this.
However, on another visit
to your store,
my neighbor had her eye
on a different mannequin
in the camping department.
This is a younger mannequin,
better built, taller,
no windbreaker, muscle shirt.
I named it Carlo for her."
Carlo.
"Personally, I think
it's too young for her.
But to help with the grieving,
I ask you..."
"How much is that
mannequin in the window?
For the widow woman?
Let's get her back
to a solid relationship.
Ted L. Nancy." No, I don't...
You know, I love traveling
this world.
I consider myself
an international nothing.
A nobody here, a nobody there.
But the only place
I'll ever eat at
is the International
House of Pancakes,
which is now officially a chain
of filthy restaurants.
Try the one in Burbank,
I was there about four or five
weeks ago in Burbank
at the Pancake House,
took a look at the menu,
there were pictures of flies
on the pictures of the food.
I don't mind a little grease
on the table,
but I think it's disgusting
while you're eating
a fly lands on your table,
slips and breaks his leg.
So I wrote to the Netherlands,
being the international
nothing that I am,
and I wrote,
"Dear Reservations,
I am staging my play
in Amsterdam
and need to know
what health permits I need
to stay at your hotel
for 12 nights.
My play is called Hamsterdam.
It involves a telling
of the history of your city
using 300 hamsters.
All hamsters have been
inoculated for hamster diseases.
I keep them contained
in special hamster bins
which have been cleared
by local U.S. health peoples.
I believe his name is Andy.
Do you have cricket vending
machines as I have heard?
Sincerely, Ted L. Nancy."
"Amstel Hotel,
The Netherlands.
Dear Ted,
unfortunately the hamsters
are not allowed in our hotel.
The Amstel Hotel
can not accommodate
300 little hamsters in a room.
Please be assured
that we hope that your show
will be a great event,
but we can not reserve
a room for the hamsters.
No hamster!
With kind regards...,
reservations trainee."
Dear Hotel Amstel,
thank you very kindly
for getting back to me.
In this day and age,
it is so nice to deal with
a hotel as professional
and dignified as yours. Larry!
Sorry, I bark out men's names
when agitated.
It is a disease I am controlling
with Canadian medications.
Hector!
Now, I understand your concern
about keeping 300 hamsters
in my room. It is wrong.
I now realize
it is a disease issue.
That is why I have decided
to re-stage my Hamsterdamplay.
It is now called Amsterclam.
I need to bring 500 clams
into your hotel
and have them live
in the room with me.
Clams are not like filthy
hamsters. They are wet.
Please alert housekeeping
so when they open the door
they can spray.
Sincerely, Ted L. Nancy."
No further reply.
Ribbit.
Here's a letter
I think you may enjoy.
It was to Ralphs supermarket,
which is my
favorite supermarket.
"Dear favorite supermarket
I shop at,
I recently bought a sponge
from you.
I was in my kitchen
and I put my sponge
on the kitchen sink.
The next morning,
when I woke up,
that sponge was in the bedroom
with me.
How did it get there?
I took that sponge
and locked it in a room.
All night I heard banging.
That sponge wanted to get out.
But I wouldn't let it.
I want to talk to somebody there
about the possibility
that my sponge is haunted.
Sincerely, Ted L. Nancy."
Dear Mr. Nancy,
we were sorry to hear
that you're less than satisfied
with the performance
of this product.
We've had no reports
of similar situations.
We forwarded your letter
to our supplier,
asking that they follow up
with you.
Respectfully yours,
your favorite supermarket."
Dear favorite supermarket,
you said I would be hearing
from the supplier
of this sponge.
I have not heard from them.
And this sponge is bad.
After I got your letter,
I went down to my basement
and locked this sponge
in a steel box,
and put a chain around that box.
Then I boarded up the door
with over a thousand nails.
Then I put a manacle
on that door.
Then I went upstairs to my room
to get a good night's sleep.
At about three o'clock
in the morning, I woke up.
That sponge was right
by my bed.
I am scared.
Also, do you sell Brillo
at your store?
Sincerely, Ted L. Nancy."
Thought I had a pretty good
idea for a business.
You know, sometimes you go,
you know what?
This one's a winner.
I've had quite a few losers,
but this one's gonna take off,
I feel it.
So I needed a sign made
so I wrote to,
"Dear Banners
and Signs For Less,
I am opening
a business next to
a Koo Koo Koo-Roo restaurant.
My business is called
I Am The Walrus.
I need a sign which
I will put next to them,
so I will have one big
sign that says,
"I am the walrus,
koo koo koo-roo."
I wrote to a seating company,
so I thought why not stand? Huh?
"Mr. Albert Meyer,
American Seating Company.
I had a seating question
and was referred to you
because you manufacture
stadium seating.
When entering or exiting a row,
which is the proper side to face
the person sitting down?
Rear to them or crotch to them?
Last week at a sporting event,
I had to leave my seat.
There was a row of people
all from the same family.
I moved down the row
realizing my buttocks
were not two inches
from this guy's entire family.
But then again,
if I turned around
and moved down the aisle
the other way,
I would have shown
his entire family my crotch.
Isn't that worse?
Stadium seating
is the only situation in life
where you can show whole rows
of people your butt or crotch
and it's acceptable.
Thank you for your answer.
Sincerely, Ted L. Nancy."
"Dear Mr. Nancy,
your letter on crotch or butt
was most interesting.
In fact, in all 38 years
of which I have been
in this business,
it is probably
the most interesting question
that I have ever been asked.
I have shared your letter
with numerous of my colleagues.
But alas,
we have no good answer.
The only suggestion
that we could come up with
is for you to come early
before anyone has arrived,
stay in your seat
for the entire time,
and wait until everyone else
has gone before leaving.
This, of course, could cause an
even more embarrassing problem.
Sincerely, Albert H. Meyer,
president,
American Seating Company."
I went to... I was in the city
of Huntington Beach.
Fine city. The parking is...
is insane in Huntington Beach.
I stopped at a meter, it said,
"18 minutes for a quarter."
What can you do in 18 minutes?
Go get another quarter,
that's what you can do.
"Dear City Of Huntington Beach,
I am moving to your city soon
with my electronic
nose blowing machine.
I will keep this machine
on my patio.
My nose blowing machine
makes a loud noise
as if someone
is blowing their nose.
This may be annoying to some.
The machine activates every
two hours for nine blows,
some short, too long,
some only one nostril
as the other is clogged.
Sometimes
it is four short noises,
sometimes one really long one
or a series of sharp honks.
At 3:00 in the morning,
the noise gets bad
as I put the volume up to nine.
Please send me information. My
alligator's name is Ricardo."
Ricardo.
Mr. Nancy filled out the
City of Huntington Beach's
application for
a nose blowing machine.
Under "describe use of product,"
Mr. Nancy put,
"blow my nose on people."
And if you wouldn't mind, sir,
just verifying this
is the actual form
from Huntington Beach,
verifying that you see
where it says "blow my nose
on people" right there.
You see it? Yeah?
He sees it.
I think I got a thumb's up.
Yeah? Thumb's up!
He sees it, Ted.
Thank you, thank you.
Appreciate you letting me
break the fourth wall
and talk to you.
What is your name?
You look like a...
I don't know.
I'm just gonna--
You look like a Carl to me.
Maybe? Sort of?
Do you mind if I call you Carl?
Okay, let... let's call him--
It's on my bucket list to call
a strange man Carl, so...
Not that you're strange. I mean
strange in the best of ways.
Right. Right.
- Uh, this is Ted.
- Thank you for coming, Carl.
- Thank you.
- Thanks for helping us out.
Carl, for your assistance today,
I'm going to present you
with a coupon for Degree
deodorant. Thank you, Carl.
Yes, Carl! Arms down, Carl.
Keep the... keep the arms down.
That's solid stuff, Carl.
"Dear Consulate General
of India,
I have just heard
that the Taj Mahal
will now be remodeled into
a Staples office supply store.
Why? This is insanity.
This is the Taj Mahal
we're talking about.
Will you stock
jumbo paper clips?
Who can assure me that this
sacred monument will continue
to stand as
the regal shrine it is?
Will you carry
three hole punches?
I look forward to hearing
from you on this matter.
Will you sell ink cartridges?
I need many.
Respect for the Taj Mahal.
Sincerely, Ted L. Nancy."
From the
Consulate General of India.
"Dear Mr. Nancy,
with reference to your letter
on the remodeling of Taj Mahal
into a Staples
office supply store,
we have no such information
regarding this issue.
Please let us have the source
of your information
to clarify the matter.
Sincerely, Jasprit Singh,
Assistant Consulate
General Of India."
Oh. That was easy.
"President Vaclav Havel,
Czech Republic.
Just a note to tell you how
much respect I have for you
and how our club respects the
way you have handled yourself
in the dignified manner
you have over the years.
I am happy to announce that we
have bestowed membership on you
in the Thousand Oaks
Vacuum Club.
We want you to be our treasurer.
Take our money and invest it.
If you think swimsuit netting
is the answer, then buy it up.
Buy ironing board covers
if you have to.
This is sponsored
by Markel Pest Control.
Your dignity stands
as an endorsement
to those less dignified.
And don't forget,
Markel is the best
at getting rid of pumpkin odor."
We'll rid
your pumpkin odor.
And they will.
"With all the respect I have,
Ted L. Nancy.
Please send me a signed picture
of you for my wall."
"Office of the president,
Czech Republic.
Dear Ted, President Vaclav Havel
appreciates your appointment him
treasurer of your
Thousand Oaks Vacuum Club.
Unfortunately,
it is not possible for him
to give time
to any other activity,
apart from those required of him
as head of state.
Enclosed please find
his autographed photo.
With best regards,
Vladimir Hanzel.
No vacuum!"
I feel the love
from the audience.
- Whoo!
- I'm feeling it.
It may not be love,
but something's on me.
Something's washing over me.
I thought it was your love,
but it...
Something's itching me
right now.
I got it on me.
Actually, it's very nice and I'm
so glad that we are here
because it's nice
to see some theater.
I watch too much television.
I just bought a 62-inch TV,
which is big, considering
I'm only 59 inches.
But it is nice to be here
at the Geffen Theater
Nightclub Hotel and Casino
out here,
right up here
on the Le Conte Strip.
This Geffen is one of our finest
Indian casinos.
Just be glad it's not
a coffee shop.
There's too many
coffee shops opening.
It's getting out of hand.
These Starbucks
are opening everywhere.
Saw this morning a Starbucks
opened in a Coffee Bean.
So I wrote
to the Harriet Carter Gifts.
Are you all familiar
with Harriet Carter?
Maybe some of you are out there?
They make these fine products,
a fine company, Harriet Carter.
And I wrote to them...
"Dear Harriet Carter
customer service,
I want to order
a product from you.
My electronic nose blowing
machine blew out.
My neighbor attacked it.
I think it over-blew.
It was supposed to blow its nose
12 times during the night
every 40 minutes.
It reversed and blew its nose
40 times in 12 minutes.
Is Shelly there?
Sincerely, Ted L. Nancy."
"Thank you for your inquiry.
I am sending information
about the neti pot.
It is not electronic, though.
Sincerely yours,
Harriet Carter Gifts
customer service department.
Mix saline solution
using warm water.
Tilt your head to one side
and gently insert the spout
into the upper nostril.
Relax. If you are calm,
water flows right through.
Keep breathing through your
mouth. Stay relaxed.
$7.98."
"Dear Harriet Carter Gifts,
thank you for answering me
regarding your
electronic nose blowing machine.
And thank you for the picture
of the woman
with the fireplace squeezer
in her nostril.
Many hours of enjoyment
looking at it.
Now I want to know
if you have the electric chair.
This is the chair that is
designed to shock those peoples
that need punishment.
A wet spongy leather cap
is placed on your head
after shaving your head and leg.
The Harriet Carter volt lever
is pulled
and 2,000 volts go
through the offender.
Some mess may occur.
Also, do you have toe socks
as others have told me?
Harriet Carter
is the finest company out there.
- Sincerely, Ted L. Nancy."
-"Dear Mr. Fred Nancy,
we do not carry
the electric chair.
But we do carry toe socks.
Thank you for your kind words
about our company.
It is a pleasure to serve you.
Toe-separating socks keep your
piggies apart, dry and healthy.
One size fits most. $6.98."
"Dear Harriet Carter Gifts,
thank you for answering me
regarding the electric chair.
I am sorry you do not carry it.
Now, I was wondering
if you carry the gas chamber.
This is designed to gas those
peoples that need punishment.
Harriet Carter cyanide pellets
are plopped
into the compartment.
A Harriet Carter lever is pulled
and the poison gas is
sucked in through the nostrils.
Can I use the neti pot for this?
Responses can include
convulsions
and excessive drooling.
Some mess may occur.
Also, do you have dog vests?
Harriet Carter is the best
company I have ever heard of
for customer service,
customer dedication
and general customer--
need another word here.
I will note it in my folder.
Sincerely, Ted L. Nancy.
Not Fred."
"We do not carry
the gas chamber.
Small reflective dog vest
is $9.98.
We have included an order form
and an envelope.
Sincerely yours,
Harriet Carter Gifts
customer service department."
I have 21 of these Harriet
Carter letters and replies.
"Dear Harriet Carter Gifts,
thank you for answering me
regarding my gas chamber item.
I am sorry you do not carry it.
Now I was wondering
if you carry
the Harriet Carter Firing Squad.
Some mess may occur.
Also, do you have the Smart Mop
for the "some mess
that may occur?"
Harriet Carter is the best
company I have ever heard of.
I will note it in my folder
and show others.
Respectfully, Fred Nancy."
"Dear Mr. Fred Nancy,
we do not carry
the firing squad.
But we do sell the Smart Mop.
Smart Mop soaks up ten times
its weight in water
than string or sponge mop.
It includes three shammies.
$14.98.
Smart Mop!
I'm smarter than this mop!
The customer is always right
at Harriet Carter."
- Harry Lecter!
- Harriet Carter!
- Are you okay?
- Yeah, I'm good.
Let's go, 20 more!
Let's do this!
Would you like...
Would you like a break?
Maybe a little break in...
- Really?
- Of course.
Is there time? Quick break.
So sorry.
- Time? We got nothing but time.
- Nothing but time. Thank you.
Ah!
Ah! The customer is always right
at Harriet Carter.
Hi, Carl. How you doing?
Do your thing now, go. Do it!
Do you want solar panels?
You can save up to 80 percent
on your electric bill.
Never pay
an electric bill again.
Are you the homeowner?
Is Mrs. Pagliacci there?
Larry!
Has anyone seen
the water cooler? Sam?
We got him off Angie's List.
$99 for eight hours.
You all look so... so nice,
and it's so nice to see people
dressed up and nice and...
the ladies in their nice
dresses, men in suit and ties.
You never see anybody in a suit
and tie anymore.
The only people you see now
in suit and ties
are in a coffin
in a funeral home.
That's it.
You gotta literally be dead
to put on a suit and tie now.
Ordering Jinjiang Jiaxing Group
Jiang, Fujian, China.
"Dear Jiaxing peoples,
I need to buy clothing
for my chain of stores.
I own Plus Size Batman Wear.
For the big man in your life
who dresses like Batman.
Yes we have XXXL capes.
We have 72-inch waist belts.
See us for tights that stretch
to a 500-pound man.
Can you make this costume?
China is a wonderful country.
They fixed my computer.
Respectfully, Ted L. Nancy."
"Dear Nancy,
okay, note your requirement
of obese Batman wear.
We can do as your any size
you want,
please kindly advice the below
style, is it okay for you?
Best regards, Peter."
"Dear Peter
at Jiaxing Batman Company,
thank you for your most
timely email.
It is quite appreciated in this
day and age of internet disgust,
revulsion and nastiness
and untimely emails.
I was quite impressed with your
email and emailing etiquette,
and lack of disgust
and repulsion.
All 14 of us here were
impressed with the quality,
including Morris
who hands out the medicines.
I am hoping we can do business.
Respectfully, Ted L. Nancy."
"Dear Nancy, okay, noted.
May I have your size?
Please kindly advise.
Best regards, Peter."
"Dear Peter, once again
your email is outstanding.
Precise, concise, compressed,
and concise again, and clear,
and one more concise.
I have notified the Email
Association Of America, EAA.
I sent them a letter by regular
mail and rated this a 5B@.
My shoppers are usually
600-pounders and above.
Most have been cut
out of the wall.
Which reminds me of a very funny
"cut out of the wall" story.
This 1,100-pound man was being
cut out of his home by firemens.
They sawed a hole in the side
of his house
so he could be taken out.
I turned to my companion
and said,
'All this to buy shoes.'
We both had a chuckle.
Respectfully, Ted L. Nancy."
"Dear Nancy, okay, noted.
Please kindly advice
the following question:
The material is cotton
with 'spendex,' is it okay?
Best regards, Peter."
"Dear Jiaxing Batman Fatties,
sorry for the three-week delay
in answering your email.
I am being treated
for outbursts. Rudy!
Let's get me some fatty batty
prices. Ted L. Nancy."
"No further reply."
Ribbit.
Look at us, trying to get
a laugh here with some...
Just a cruise ship horn, that's
what we're relying on here
to try to get a laugh.
How pathetic are we, huh?
Next you'll think we're
gonna try to get a laugh
with maybe some casino slot
machine noises or something.
So I wanted to take a cruise.
I was depressed, I was on that
antidepressant drug Zoloft.
Which the side effects were
nausea, dizziness and diarrhea,
which, hey, is a pretty good
Saturday night for me.
"Dear Cruise Deals,
I am interested in--
Dear Cruise Deals,
I am interested in taking your
14-day cruise to Bermuda for
myself and my companion Frito.
Frito has a disability.
He suffers from
Tourette's sign language.
This is a form
of Tourette's Syndrome,
where one shouts out
obscene words.
Frito is a mute
and cannot speak.
So he makes obscene gestures
at strangers.
Believe me,
it can be quite troublesome
to see an innocent couple
enjoying the warm sun
and Frito
gives them the finger."
I love the random laughter
going on here, I love it.
I love you guys,
I actually love you guys.
"I will be arriving
by raincage from Lodi.
Frito shaves every 30 minutes.
Sincerely, Ted Nancy.
Frito likes limes."
"Thank you for allowing us
to help you reserve
your cruise vacation.
I will work with the cruise
line in any way possible
to accommodate your needs
for travel.
Unfortunately, there are not
any 14-day cruises
offered to Bermuda.
Best regards, Ramona Lemon."
Oh, my-- enough with the horn!
Stop it! Stop it!
Carl, help me!
Please help me!
"Dear Chinook Winds
Indian Casino,
I want to sell ham sandwiches
in your men's room.
People eat 'em up. Why not?
Call me Ernesto when we
first meet. It's for me.
It's an impulse buy that
works 40 percent of the time.
This sign should be
in the men's room mirror:
Yes, we have the potty melt.
Forget about Ernesto.
Call me Miguel. I need this.
Try our sweetbread combo.
Ask for a number three.
Please do not request
pineapple on your ham sandwich.
I do not want to mess with this
in the bathroom.
I was told your casino
was open to new opportunities
in your men's room.
Sincerely, Ted L. Nancy."
"Dear Mr. Nancy, we thank
you for your interest,
but at this time we are not
interested in putting
any business in the restrooms.
We also have five food
outlets for our customers.
Again,
thank you for considering us,
but at this time we are fine.
Sincerely, Shirley Twinton,
purchasing manager.
No ham sandwich!"
"Dear Shirley Twinton,
Chinook Winds Casino,
forget ham sandwiches
in your bathroom stall.
I now realize it was a bad idea.
I want to do tax returns
in your men's room."
"People need their taxes done,
why not when they're
on the potty?
Call me Bernardo when we
first meet. I need it.
It's an impulse buy that
works 60 percent of the time.
Forget Bernardo. Call me Juan
Carlos. I have to have this.
Please do not request an
extension while on the toilet."
"I was told that your casino was
open to new tax opportunities
in your men's room?
Sincerely, Ted L. Nancy?"
Jackpot!
"Luxury Hotel, San Francisco,
I would like to check in
for a week.
I have a problem which
I like to address to hotels
I eat my mattress.
Can you give me a flat rate
so I will not be charged
an excessive amount for the
bedding I chew and nibble on?
I am sorry I eat
through my mattress.
This is something
I have to deal with.
Especially
when the mattress is chewy.
I would like a set fee
on what my charge would be
for the gnawed and partially
eaten bedding.
Thank you, Ted L. Nancy."
"Dear Mr. Nancy,
regarding your question
about the cost of damage
to a guest room,
we would have to have
the housekeeping department
give you an estimate
before your departure.
Yeah. You see,
without sending you the cost
of all of our bedding,
it would be impossible
to answer this question.
It might be better if I put you
in touch with someone else."
M... maybe Ron.
Yeah, Ron.
He would be good
with chewed up bedding.
Ron, at extension 103.
Ron, who eats my lunch every day
even though I put my name on it!
Ron, who still owes me $4
for Bridget's birthday lunch!
- Ron, who stole Bridget's--
- Wait, what...
What are you doing?
There's no hotel manager
that walks around like that.
You.. You look...
you look like...
You look like Jeff Goldblum
in The Fly.
I think I saw some...
some bristly hairs...
Oh, you still do...
some bristly hairs break out
on your back.
You look like a praying mantis.
"Mr. Nancy, I hope that
I've been of some help to you.
Best regards, hotel manager."
"Dear Huntington Hotel,
so nice of you to write back
- my eating my bed.
- I also chew on the drapes."
- Ron!
"This is only the bottom
of the drapes
as the top is too thick
and I can't digest them
- properly without massive gas."
- Yeah, yeah, Ron!
"Looking forward
to a comfortable stay.
- Sincerely, Ted L. Nancy."
- No further reply.
Ribbit.
Let me make my way
out here with you fine folks.
I hope the momentum of my weight
doesn't catapult me
into the audience here.
I feel like some kind
of a beach ball
being passed around a festival.
I wrote to the Best Western
Motel in Reno, Nevada,
which is a fantastic
luxury motel.
I don't know if anybody...
fantastic...
Anybody ever stay
at the Best Western in Reno?
It's fantastic and extensive
remodeling going on at this one.
There was new duct tape
on the carpeting.
I checked in, I said,
"What kind of a view
do you get for $60 a night?"
He goes,
"For $60 a night, you get a view
of someone paying $80 a night."
Checked in, got my tetanus shot,
I went right up to the room.
Slept like a baby over there,
I crayoned on the walls.
Terrible security
at the Best Western.
The security guard
called me from the parking lot
and said, "Is your car
still here?"
Maid knocked on my door,
asked if she could clean up,
I said, "Okay."
She came in, she took a shower,
she did her hair.
"Dear Best Western Hotel
Reno, Nevada,
I will be arriving
by tuna boat March 1,
wish to make reservations
at your grand motel.
How can I be sure that I will
be treated with utmost respect?
Can someone help me
with my respect when I check in?
How much respect will I get?
Seeking respect. Thank you.
Respectfully, Ted L. Nancy."
"Best Western Reno, Nevada.
Dear Mr. Nancy, thank you
for your interest in our hotel.
I can assure you
you will be treated
like all other patrons
that stay with us,
and that is with respect.
Respectfully, front desk clerk.
P.S. I hope you are aware
we don't have
any docking facilities
for your tuna boat.
No tuna boat. No disrespect."
- You still in there?
- Yeah, I'm still here.
Where am I gonna go, huh?
You... you're on the floor
in the dark.
I'm in the Witness
Protection Program!
- You're on the--
- I got a whole backstory!
You have no idea what I'm--
I got a lot of free time
over here to work stuff out.
I just want the audience
to know that no actors
were harmed during
this production.
Give it time, give it time.
I wrote to the Ziploc
plastic bag company.
I love these household things,
the plastic bags,
Saran Wrap, plastic wrap,
I love plastic wrap.
It's gotta be the greatest
invention in the world
because before plastic wrap,
you would just take the
leftovers and throw them out.
Now, with plastic wrap,
you take the leftovers,
you wrap them in plastic wrap,
you put them
in the refrigerator,
then two weeks later
you throw them both out.
"Dear Ziploc plastic bag
company,
I have been using your bags
for years to put sandwiches in.
It does keep in the freshness.
What is disturbing to me,
and I want to be sensitive here,
is I have noticed your bags
are now used by people
to put dog poop in.
Your 'keeps the freshness in'
does not work anymore.
It is now hard to use
my Ziploc sandwich bag
when all I see is people walking
around with bags of dog poop.
Maybe you could make
a dog poop bag
so people could use
that to put their sandwiches in.
- Ted L. Nancy."
- Hand in poop bag.
"Hello.
While I'm sorry to hear
of your recent experience
regarding Ziploc brand
sandwich bags,
please know we do not have
control as to what others choose
to store or pick up in our bags.
Kind regards, consumer
relationship center.
"Dear Ziploc, thank you
for your poop bag reply.
After a close examination
of the Ziploc bags,
I have now keenly noticed
they are also being used
for marijuana.
This is unacceptable to me
as one who actually uses
your bags for sandwiches.
Am I the only one left?
Who's really using your bags
for sandwiches? Not moms.
Not office workers.
It's junkies and poop people.
I'm having trouble
eating my sandwich.
Sorry, Ted."
Junkies and poop people,
oh my!
All gone.
Um, excuse me?
This is the announcer.
What time does Ralphs close?
"Dear Topps
Baseball Card company,
in 1960, I was an employee
of a hotel in Miami Beach
where Mickey Mantle
was staying.
I was summoned
to Mr. Mantle's room
to deliver room service to him.
He ordered
an egg salad sandwich.
As I was setting up
the room service tray,
I noticed Mr. Mantle
clipping his toenails.
I'll never forget it
as long as I live.
I watched out of the corner of
my eye as he clipped every toe.
He had trouble
with the last nail,
but eventually
his diligence paid off.
At that moment,
the telephone rang."
- Hello?
- Hi, Mickey.
- What are you doing?
- Hey, baby.
Leave the egg salad sandwich.
I'll eat it later.
"After Mr. Mantle
left the room,
I sat down
and secured all the toenails
that had been clipped off.
There are almost ten toenails.
Nine and some shavings,
but a full set.
I wanna donate this collection
to your card company.
Sincerely, Ted L. Nancy."
Topps baseball card company
was so impressed with the idea
of such a collection that
they sent my letter on
to the Hall of Fame.
And can you believe it?
The Hall of Fame wrote me back.
Dear Mr. Nancy, we're
very interested in your story
of the Mickey Mantle toenails,
and how you obtained them
in Miami Beach in 1960
while delivering room service.
This is a fascinating tale,
and we'd be interested
in examining them
before we reach any decision.
Thank you for thinking
of the historical importance
of these items. Sincerely,
Peter Clark, registrar."
I wonder what Mickey
Mantle's nails could be worth.
I'm gonna ask my nephew
Rudy to help me.
He likes baseball
and toe nails.
He wanted to get insurance
for the nails
in case something happened
to them on the way
to the Hall of Fame.
These are Mickey Mantle's
toenails.
And we need them insured.
Because they're gonna
end up in the Hall of Fame,
with your help. Paul, what do
you think each toe is worth?
I don't know,
I'm not an appraiser.
But...
See how many we have.
Four, five, six,
seven, eight...
Two, four, six, eight...
we have a full set.
It's a full set.
Plus, shavings.
What is your
uncle's name?
Ted L. Nancy.
Just like it sounds.
He has a lime
in his appendix.
$25,000 contents,
$100,000 liability...
Rudy's on his way
to Cooperstown.
He put up a few signs,
just in case the nails
get into the Hall of Fame.
I wonder if they'll get in.
I have something that I think,
I hope, that you may
find interesting.
Um, take a look
at this letter.
Remember that?
If you like,
you can read it out loud.
"We are very interested
in your story
of the Mickey Mantle toenails
and how you obtained them
in Miami Beach in 1960
while delivering room service.
Sincerely, Peter Clark."
- That's you.
- That's me.
- Look at this, Mr. Clark.
- My gosh.
- Isn't that wonderful?
- Look at that.
Each toenail's
at a position.
- Wow.
- This nail's the pitcher,
this is third base,
that's the big toe
- on second base.
- That looks great.
Ready to turn a double play.
I have some ideas.
What would... where would you
think they would go?
Well, we have,
as you might know,
Ty Cobb's dentures,
which are on view
- up in the museum right now.
- All right.
Cob Webb was one of my favorite
ball players.
- Cob Webb was?
- Yeah.
- He was a great guy.
- He's a great guy.
I... was wondering if...
if this could be enshrined here
in the Baseball Hall of Fame.
This would be... this would just
make our collection.
- Really?
- This could be...
the defining moment
for the Hall of Fame right here.
This is a dream
come true for myself
and I will speak for my uncle,
Mr. Ted Nancy.
- Great.
- And thank you so much.
- I wish I could meet him myself.
- Thank you so much.
This is Tim.
Have you ever thought about
a reverse mortgage?
Live in your own home
and get cash every month.
Is Mrs. Pagliacci there?
This is a government program
for depressed clowns.
Do you like mangos?
Do you have teeth?
Are your gums swollen?
Hector!
We got them both
off Angie's List.
Let me make my way out here
with you fine folks again
and I hope you're enjoying this
as much as I am.
Because I think you guys
are great,
and it's nice
to hear your laughter.
It's nice...
Uh, it's a beautiful thing
for someone to laugh
and, you know, there's so much
crime in the world,
so it's nice
to make people laugh.
Right, I thought, you know,
maybe I'll write
to a comedy club,
why not open a comedy club
because there's too much crime
going on.
I stopped at a 7-Eleven
on the way in tonight.
There was a little sticker
on the register at 7-Eleven.
"Clerk has no money."
Of course he has no money,
he's working at 7-Eleven.
They have to embarrass him too?
How about a sign,
"Clerk has no car,
no followers or friends,"
or "Clerk has no CVS points."
Nothing, he's got nothing.
Then I'm watching
a high-speed chase out here,
I guess it was on the 405
a week or so ago.
The guy must have been doing
about 100 miles an hour
and the police are chasing him.
And he's on the freeway,
this guy, and then he's off
the freeway,
he's on a side street,
now he's back on the freeway.
Now he's on a surface street.
I'm saying, "Hey, hey, hey.
I know this guy's a criminal.
Say what you want about him,
but he just showed me two
new ways to get home."
So I thought, why not open
a comedy club, you know?
Let's make, uh...
let's make that happen.
So I wrote to the,
"Dear city of Glendale
business licenses, can you
tell me what happened
to the application for my
license for my comedy club,
The Jokestrap?
The Jokestrap
is 17 tables in a mini mall.
All comedy club food including
fried cheese yums are on order.
We may have burnt
almond cheese straws.
I hire locally
and use local cheese.
Respectfully, Ted L. Nancy."
"City of Glendale,
- The Jokestrap Comedy Club.
Dear applicant, the Building
Department has not received
such an application
regarding your business.
Yours truly,
License Department."
"Dear City
of Downey Business Licenses,
it is been some time
since I sent in my application
for my comedy club Joke Itch.
Joke Itch is 22 tables
in an industrial area.
All comedy club food including
cheese yanks
and cheese squats are on order.
May be under earlier name
of Joke Ointment.
I admire your city.
I once yelled out the name
Ricardo there in a crowd.
We have already
hired our headlining act,
Tickles the Diseased Clown.
Respectfully, Ted L. Nancy."
"City of Downey.
Dear Mr. Nancy,
unfortunately the city of Downey
has no existing records
for an application
of a business license
for the comedy club Joke Itch
or Joke Ointment.
Sincerely, City Licenses."
"Business Licenses,
City of Norwalk.
Can you tell me what happened
to my application
for my business license?
I own a comedy club
called Jesticles.
Jesticles is 150-seat comedy
club on a freeway off-ramp.
Our opening headliner
is Fumbles,
the Fire-Juggling
Epileptic Clown.
You cashed my check.
We don't sell cheese.
Respectfully, Ted L. Nancy."
"City of Norwalk...
Jesticles.
Dear business owner,
I don't believe that you filed
a business license application
with the city of Norwalk.
I checked our files
and I found no record
of an application for a
comedy club named Jesticles.
Sincerely, License Department,
City of Norwalk."
Jesticles, ha!
"Dear Faårup Sommerland
theme park in Saltum, Denmark.
I am trying to locate my mother.
I understand you have
an employee working
in your theme park
professionally known
as Dyna the Mighty Mite,
real first name is Gloria.
She is part of the performing
Squeak Family of which
Peepo the Wonder Squirt
is her husband.
She once belched up a crouton
in your parking lot.
She eats herring, has a freckle
that looks like Michael Bublé.
She does manatee imitations.
Her catch phrase is,
"I got a, I got a,
I got a bad itch on my scalp."
We have her fungus cream.
Is my mother working
at your theme park?
Maybe at the Crumb Club.
Thank you, Faårup Sommerland,
for caring for others
and helping others with people
for others in matters.
Sincerely, Ted L. Nancy."
"Dear Mr. Nancy,
we have received your letter
regarding our mother.
Unfortunately,
we are not able to help you out
as we have never
heard about her.
We do not have that
kind of performance in our park
and all of our employees
are Danish.
I hope you will be successful
in finding your mother
somewhere else.
Best regards, Faårup Sommerland
Guest Relations."
Excuse me,
this is the announcer again.
Anyone know if there's
a Ralphs in Woodland Hills?
Took a plane recently.
I fly coach.
Getting a little cramped
there in coach.
The, uh, the rows
are just so pressed together.
I mean, it's ridiculous.
You're sitting--
There's no legroom anyway,
but you're sitting there,
the guy in the row in front
of you leans back,
his head becomes
your whole trip.
"Oh, I'm eating now
with your head.
Maybe I'll have a drink
and read a magazine
with your head."
They now have luggage stores
at the airport.
Who is home packing
forgetting this, huh?
"Let's see, I have my underwear
and my socks
and my toiletries.
I'll just scoop this stuff up
in my arms
and get on the plane.
I hope I don't drop my underwear
off in the aisle
while I'm looking
for my seat."
"Dear Armour Meats, I want
to take a 59-foot-by-22-foot
baloney on the plane with me.
Will it fit in the overhead bin?
I need this baloney to arrive
in one piece.
Southwest Fun Jet C Group
boarding.
I think a hot baloney
in a hot plane in the hot sun
is not such a good idea. Huh?
Hey, what time is it
there in Nampa?
It's 3:00 here.
Sincerely, Ted L. Nancy,
- Meat Chair Committee."
-"Dear Mr. Nancy,
I'm sorry to say, but we do not
make baloney at this plant.
I think that you may have
your measurements wrong.
A baloney 59-feet-by-22-feet
would weigh 60,000 pounds.
We wish you luck.
Human resource manager."
"Dear Colorado Belle Casino
Lost And Found.
I was visiting
your casino recently
as part of a semi-large
to full midsize group.
In my visit,
I was distracted, confused,
and lost from my group.
Did you find
a bag of otter hair?
This hair is used
as a second coat of hair
for my 40-year-old otter, Louis.
The hair is grayish,
brownish, yellowish,
with reddish striping.
It was in a pinkish,
blueish, greenish bag.
I hope that's not confusing.
I am concerned
my bag of otter hair
will end up in the wrong hands.
Ted L. Nancy."
"Mr. Nancy, I'm sorry
we haven't been able
to locate your bag
of otter hair.
Sincerely, Wilma,
Lost And Found."
It's probably in the dump.
"Office of the
Prime Minister of Greenland.
Dear Prime Minister
Kuupik Kleist,
just a note to say that you
are the best president
of a foreign country
I have ever seen. I admire you.
And so do all members
of our men's group
that is made up
of Greenlandians.
There are 72 of us,
71 over age 50
and one who is 18 in November.
We admire Greenland
and what it means
to be surrounded
by all that ice.
Without ice, what would we have?
We would have no snow cones,
no ice machines in hotels,
no names for rappers.
Nothing to chew on after
we drink a beverage.
Imagine a whole nation
without ice.
Freshen my drink.
Can you please send us
an autographed picture
that we could put up over
our refrigerator
so every time we open
the freezer door
and get a blast of cold air
we are reminded of you?
With utter respect,
Ted L. Nancy."
"Dear Mr. Nancy,
thank you for your letter
and your interest
in Greenlandic matters.
I am glad to send you here
a signed picture
of Premier Kuupik Kleist.
Mm...
Yours sincerely,
Assistant to Mr. Kleist."
Little kisses! Mm!
Mm! Mm!
Well, we're
at the one-third mark.
Get you out of here
about midnight tonight.
Cushion crunch?
More deodorant coupons.
Everyone's gonna get
a deodorant coupon.
"Dear Sbicca Shoes,
I am in the process
of opening Ba-Nannys.
This is nanny wear that is
bright yellow like a banana.
You will know that a nanny
is in the room
when she is dressed from head
to toe in bright yellow.
You go,
'Oh, it must be the nanny.
She looks like a banana.'
Could be some green on top
like the stem.
I need bright yellow shoes.
Respectfully, Ted L. Nancy."
"Hello. Could you
send us an example
of what you're thinking of?
Thank you, Sean."
"Dear Sean, thank you
for getting back to me
on my Ba-Nanny shoes.
I now own Waiter-Melons.
This is uniforms for the waiter
industry that are bright red
with black seeds on them
like a watermelon.
You will know that a waiter
is in the room
when he is dressed from head
to toe like a watermelon.
You go, 'Oh,
it must be the waiter,
he looks like a watermelon.'
Possibly some green on the top
like a rind, but I am open.
Ted."
Jackpot!
"Dear Health Guard, I love
your toilet seat covers.
They make great cowboy hats.
You pop out the top,
put 'em on your head,
you're ready for line dancing.
I'm thinking of moving
to Rangoon. What do you think?
Thanks for making the best
toilet seat cover out there.
I tell everyone who sits
on a toilet seat.
Some listen.
I was punched once on a bus.
Respectfully, Ted L. Nancy."
"Dear Mr. Nancy,
just a note to say thank you.
We appreciate any feedback
we get from the users.
Enclosed please find
a sample for your use.
Sincerely, vice president
of Health Guard."
"Dear Poetry Contest,
I want to enter your poetry
contest and win that prize.
Here is my poem.
'My Hate for Poetry Contests'...
by Ted L. Nancy.
Oh, how I hate poetry contests
They disgust me to no end
Those wretched poetry contests
I enter again and again
Oh, how I hate poetry contests
I know I'll never win
But I know I must
send my poem in again
And try once more to do this
Hello, darkness, my old friend"
"Dear Ted, congratulations!
Your poem,
'My Hate for Poetry Contests,'
has been chosen for publication!
The judges gave careful
consideration
when it came to choosing
the best poems.
And your work was selected."
I can't even stop 'em.
I can't stop 'em.
- Don't stop 'em.
- "Here is your chance
to own 'My Hate for Poetry
Contests' in print.
After all, what is the point
of writing poetry at all,
if it can't be read
and felt by those people
that are most important to you?
Sincerely, the International
Library of Poetry."
"Dear Poetry Contest peoples,
I am refining my poem
that I have entered before.
It is now to where I want it.
Here it is:
'Why I Really Hate Poetry
Contests' by Ted L. Nancy.
Oh, how I really hate
poetry contests
They keep sending you
crap through the mail
Oh, I can't stand
to receive junk
From poetry contests anymore
They turn my stomach no end
Oh, these stupid poetry contests
They just want you
to buy their book
I have to make a doody now
Hello, darkness, my old friend
I am the poetry man
I just want to go to the trash
And chuck it
There was an old lady
from Nantucket
I can rhyme orange
If I use car hinge"
"Dear Ted, congratulations!
Your poem, 'Why I Really
Hate Poetry Contests,'
has been selected as one
of our semifinalists,
based on its originality
and creativity.
Congratulations!"
"Dear Poetry Contest,
I have revised my poem again.
It is now really down
to where I want it to be.
'Why I'm Going to Jump
Off a 30-Story Building Because
of Your Poetry Contests,'
by Ted L. Nancy.
Oh, I'm going
to jump off a building
Because of your poetry contest
I can't take any more
of your mail to me
Oh, I shake every time
your junk comes to my door
I'm gonna throw myself
off a big building
Down, down, down
Down to the floor
Because of you I will jump
This is the end
I will splatter all over
like a cream pie
Then it will surely be
Hello, darkness, my old friend
Could you please leave
a mattress on the sidewalk?"
"After carefully reading
and discussing your poem,
our selection committee
has certified your poem
as a semifinalist.
Ted, imagine your poem featured
in a beautiful
coffee table edition,
and commemorated
with a walnut plaque.
We are pleased that 'Why I'm
Going to Jump Off a 30-Story
Building Because
of Your Poetry Contests'
will achieve
national recognition.
If you are dissatisfied, your
money will be promptly refunded.
Sincerely, the International
Library of Poetry."
Ted, congratulations!
Ted, here you go.
Look what we have for you.
- Congratulations, Ted!
- Oh, my God!
Thank you guys!
Thank you so much!
Thank you!
Give it up for Barry!
Thank you guys!
Thank you guys!
Whoo!
All right, let's have a little
bow here, shall we?
Thank you guys!
Give it up for the booth!
Carl!
Is anyone
going to Woodland Hills?
"Dear Fritos...
it has been some time
since I wrote to you.
All issues have been corrected.
Andy!
Except one. I still bark out
men's names when agitated.
Windex!
It has gotten worse. I now
yell out cleaning products.
I am sorry. Lime-A-Way!
Forgive me.
Overall, though, things have
been pretty good for me.
I got to do this play
and people seem to like it.
They laugh and enjoy themselves.
In the end,
that's what really matters.
Huh? I am still with my
lady friend Phyllis.
I am not her fiancé, though.
She now considers me
a person of interest.
I put this woman on a pedestal,
Fritos.
She is on a pedestal.
I think it was a pedestal.
It could have been a curb.
I just remember lifting her up
and driving away.
Thank you, Fritos, thank you
for starting it all.
Sincerely, Ted L. Nancy."
♪ Stack of letters
lying by the phone ♪
♪ Don't call me back
'cause I ain't alone ♪
♪ Stack of letters
that I never sent ♪
♪ Love, lies, and curses
that I never meant ♪
♪ Well, the "used to beens"
and "could have bes" ♪
♪ And I ain't got no more
♪ Wrestling with the memory
Down on the bathroom floor ♪
♪ Rubber balls and rubber rooms and rubbers left unwrapped ♪
♪ Rapping with the memory
that left my memory tapped ♪
♪ Stack of letters
lying by the phone ♪
♪ Don't call me back
because I ain't alone ♪
♪ Stack of letters
that I never sent ♪
♪ Love, lies, and curses
that I never meant ♪
♪ Tornados and hurricanes
and blizzards deep and white ♪
♪ I made my deliverance
deep in the dark of night ♪
♪ But someone sealed
the envelope ♪
♪ That I once thought
was mine ♪
♪ Postdated all our love
that I once thought sublime ♪
♪ Stack of letters
lying by the phone ♪
♪ Don't call me back
'cause I ain't alone ♪
♪ Stack of letters
that I never sent ♪
♪ Love, lies, and curses
that I never meant ♪
♪ Well, I bought a box
Number 133 ♪
♪ It brings all my bills
and chills ♪
♪ And thrills on home to me
♪ Parcel post to COD
I'm just a mystery ♪
♪ IOU and you owe me
my anonymity ♪
♪ Stack of letters
lying by the phone ♪
♪ Don't call me back
'cause I ain't alone ♪
♪ Stack of letters
that I never sent ♪
♪ Love, lies, and curses
that I never meant ♪
♪ And if I don't
get back to you ♪
♪ It ain't no accident