Les hommes ne pensent qu'à ça (1954) - full transcript

MEN THINK OF NOTHING ELSE

Come on gentlemen,
decide which cheese...

reblochon, pont-|'eveque,
or carre de |'est?

Eating... we men
think of noting else!

Oh no... it's the girl behind the counter
that holds your interest!

Ah, love...
we men think of nothing else.

- Sorry, Mr. Alfred.
- That's OK...

Forgive me!

- Good evening, Mr. Alfred.
- Good evening, Miss Nicole.

Nothing more, Mr. Alfred?

Why don't you talk to her?



Oh yes... You don't dare to.

In love, there are those
who don't dare...

and those who do dare.

But it's not hard...
just find the right word...

A nice word.

You see?

This couple has found it...
that nice word.

Excuse me, Sir...

I just need the doorbell.
Excuse me.

Thank you.

And if the men are only
thinking about that...

the women don't look as though
they're thinking of something else.

But, like every other morning,
he woke up to dairy products.

Each litre of milk,
each Iivarot cheese...



each little cream-puff...

like so many rebuffed declarations.

Ah, those cream-puffs...

He's been buying them
for 3 months!

As a result...

everyone around there
called him "Cream-puff".

Oh yes, I'm well aware of it.

"I attack" - Marshal
Foch [c1915].

"Assault" - Marshal de Saxe [c1741].
"Charge!" - Marshal Ney [c1810]

Poor old Alfred!

You're never going to make it.

We'll see about that!
[I WILL SPEAK TO NICOLE TOMORROW]

Yes, that's the way...
Keep writing, old chap!

Bravo!

[TODAY]

I'm off!

Here I come!

Well, it's Mr. Alfred...

accelerating towards the shop.

Nice gUY-

3 months now.

What does he want with you?

He doesn't know himself, so...

I gotta do it!

- Hello, Mr. Alfred.
- Hello.

- Nicole, I'm going to empty my bucket.
- Alright.

- Miss Nicole...
- Mr. Alfred?

I'd like...

I'd like to...

- You have a beautiful face.
- Thank you, Mr. Alfred.

There it is.

- This evening...
- Yes?!

Good morning everybody!

Good morning, Mr. Jacques.

Miss Nicole...

I don't want to buy anything...

not even a cream-puff.

What are you doing this evening?

I don't know.
What about you, Mr. Alfred?

- Is it possible that...
- Actually, it's unlikely.

Well I know...
I'm taking you to the wrestling.

- The what?
- The wrestling.

So?

Thank you, Mr. Jacques.
See you this evening.

See you then.

And don't get cream-puffs!

Not me!

See you later...

Babe!

What would you like, Mr. Alfred?

One small cream-puff.

Everybody loves...
everybody necks...

And there he is, all alone.

Because he doesn't dare.

He's an adult,
in sound health...

Of average intelligence...

Sensitive, good, friendly...

But...

he doesn't dare.

My dear chap, just a little daring...
what the hell?!

Where are you, Sir?

Over here.

Here.

Here.

But, who are you, Sir?

Don Juan!

The famous Don Juan?

"Cream-puff", eh?

Is that what they call you?

What?

I've been watching you all week.

I've never noticed you.

I can make myself invisible.

There are certain compensations,
when you sell your to the devil.

You're ridiculous with Nicole.

I love her.

- So seduce her!
- can't.

|'|| teach you how.

To seduce women...

I only want one... her!

- You still need to know.
- How do I learn?

You've put your finger on what's wrong
with this era of yours.

You can learn anything,
except about love.

Idiots say that it can't be learned.

Love is to be studied, worked at...
learned like biology.

- I'm with you!
- Bravo!

I'll take you under my wing.
Listen carefully.

You're sure I'll be able
to make love to Nicole?

Quite sure.

I'm all ears!

First, a bit of history.

But throughout history, Mon boy,

women haven't always
wanted to listen to us.

It's a question of fashion, of the age...
For example...

Among the Hebrews...

the women had a weakness
for travel.

I'm going to take you on a cruise.

Oh, Mr. Noah!

With the Greeks, it was the arts.

It seems that he has
a fine collection of discs.

The ancient Franks
got straight to the point.

So, with King Dagobert...

Oh, Sire...!
Your Majesty is very cheeky!

In the Middle Ages, success went
to men who were gifted locksmiths.

What about your husband?
Still at the Crusades?

Under Henry III...

the conquest of a woman
sometimes came to a standstill.

Under Henry IV,
they made up for lost time.

Do those two rascals have names?

This one's "Plowing"...

and this one's, "Grazing".

Take note!
This one will do nicely!

During the 17th century,
the fashion was in fine language.

Most beautiful lady...

How difficult it is to warm
the marble of thine heart...

and impregnable to my desires,
is the fortress of your virtues.

My superb Alistair...

this fortress may not be
so impregnable...

and could be asked to lay down its arms,
before a skilful captain.

Ah, madam...

Would this discourse signify
that you burn with desire?

Are you so ignorant
of fine language?

Have I not led you to understand
that this is the time?

Oh, indeed, my sweet.

During the Revolution...

women were particularly
turned on by heroism.

Oh, my God!

I was at the barricades...
Hide me!

My God, you're so pale...
What can I do?

I'll explain it to you, citizen.

Ah... long live the Republic!

Napoleon III,
while focused on detail...

saw things in a big way.

So, my dear Haussmann,
what about the grand boulevards?

They're coming, they're coming!

Don't forget the very wide footpaths!

At the dawn of the 20th century...

the women were seduced by...

What is your name, my child?

- Leontine. And yours?
- Henri.

If you like the country,
I have a property...

at Gambais.

Just ask for Mr. Landru.

You make me all hot
and bothered!

That's a good start!

There you are!

None of that will help
with Nicole.

Everything works with every woman.
Every method is good.

We'll move from history
to theory.

First, the basic tools...
voice, gestures, eyes.

We'll start with voice.

Spoken the right way...

the most banal words
can have particular effect.

- Nice, weather eh?
- Oh yes, it is!

- I thought...
- Shh! Look.

[American]
Excuse me, Miss,

I'm looking for the Champs-Elysees.

Les Champs-Elysees?

You go to the right.

And at two street,
you drive starboard to the right.

And you arrive
at place de la Conconrde.

- You know, the big obelisk?
- Yeah.

You return, and you are
in the most beautiful avenue.

- You understand?
- No.

But yes, you to the right,
two street drive.

At the end, it's Champs-Elysees.

Understand, you?

[French accent]
Why don't we go together?

Very well.

The nerve of him!

Shall we continue?

Madam, I am a war hero...
I have a medal, and 3 wounds...

- But, Sir...
- I see. You don't believe me?

My veteran's ID.
I'll show you my wounds another time.

75 percent off train fares
must arouse your interest.

In that case, Sir...
France must come first.

Ah, hero-worship!

- It works.
- It needs the two wars.

- I barely made the last one.
-It'll come. Be patient.

If using the word scares you...
just use the gesture.

Or there's this one.

Or there's the more precise gesture...

How about that!

We can't predict everything. Sometimes
it's better to keep your distance.

They eyes. Your eyes play a huge role
in seduction.

- Your eyes?
- Oh yes!

The way of looking, of winking...
It's most important.

The rolling eyes...

the piercing look...

the languid eyes,
the doe eyes, the velvet eyes...

The eyes that dart
from left to right...

Cross-eyed.

So where am I now?

You don't yet know the recipe
for "The Glance"...

of our forebears,
one that I practice myself.

So watch carefully...

Follow a woman on tip-toe.

Throw a piercing glance...

which should send
a shiver up her spine.

Moisten your eyes
ever so slightly...

Throw a suggestive glance...

Spice it with a look
that strips her naked...

Or covering, depending on
the time and season...

Follow through with a suction look...

And finish with a killing glance.

That's it!

The ultimate...

is to use voice, gesture and eyes
to make you the complete seducer.

- Do any exist?
- They're rare, very rare.

Apart from me, of course,
but I did have a talented student.

He's not impressive to look at...

but he could adapt
to any situation.

Here he is as cycling champion...

then while exploring
among the Zambayoyo tribe...

during a charity ball...

and during his last holidays
in the country.

Difficulties just don't exist
for that boy.

He seduces them all.

That would require
an extensive wardrobe.

Not at all!

The perfect seducer in every category
has always worn an outfit...

similar in certain details.

He owns a range of ties:

A striped tie, a bow tie...

and a painted tie
in terrible taste.

For his head-wear... a fedora,
a cap and a beret.

Together with his bare head, he has
a choice of four personalities.

These small accessories allow him
to seduce the housemaid...

the intellectual type,
or the woman of the world.

This carousel would be perfect
for garden-parties at my place.

Please!

- How about a spin?
- Yes please!

"3 pigs who love,
2 children who are green"

"1 whole horse, 7 dead leaves,
1 barrel organ"

"1 sad and lonely girl
who thinks"

"who thinks while watching
the merry-go-round...

"of Sartre, of Cosma, of Prevet."

"And I am the whale-hunter
who hauls you in."

Groovy carousel, eh babe?

- Come for a spin?
- Well I never!

- We haven't been introduced...
George. Without the 's', in English.

- With whom do I have the hon our?
- Please!

I'm not a policeman.
I've won no medals.

My name is Georges.
What's yours?

You like introductions?
I'm Georges. You can call me Jojo.

- What's your name?
- Well I never!

Since I can read faces,
it's up to me to guess.

It's as exciting
as a game of canasta.

Alice?

Catherine?

Veronique.

You're not going to tell me
that it's Cunegonde?!

Please!

Barbara'?

Annabelle?

You're not going to tell me
your name's Brunehaut?

Valentine?

- Your name's not Artemise?!
- Well I never!

- Maya?
- With a 'Y', thank you.

Your name is just the same
as my sister's.

And I can feel you burning with desire
for a spin on the carousel.

- May I have the pleasure, Madam?
Please do!

I've got it! Juliette!

Just like my little sister.

Juliette, let us mount these wild beasts...

who spin round and round.

- Marinettel?
- Well I never!

The same moniker as my sis!

- Shall we go for a spin?
- Well I never!

After 3 spins on the carousel...

Well I never!

You've seen the attacking move...

And here is the victory.

Nice idea of your bosses
to to go away for in the weekend.

Give me some more coffee.

Sex makes you hungry!

Well I never!

So? Satisfied?

You were the over-the-top
genuine article!

Oh, please!

Work to be done!

Even in the country, our friend
indulges in holiday homework!

Would this one produce 12 litres?

I'd hope so.

- What's her name?
- Blanchette.

Blanchette.
I like that.

That's my sister's name.

It must be a good cow...

That's right!

And what's the bull's name?

Jojo.

Jojo? Oh, that's funny.

Isn't it!

He could be my foster brother.

My name's Georges.
My pals call me Jojo.

How about that!

- Put your pails down...
- Yes, that'd be nice.

Why don't we go and take a rest
behind the haystack.

That'd be nice!

That wouldn't work
at the creamery.

Still on about that Nicole?
We have to finish with her.

Where is she?

Show her to me, and I'll tell you
how to do it.

Thank you, Sir!

The little fair one.

Delightful! Firm bosom,
plump behind. Congratulations!

So?

We're going to see if you've gained
from any of my advice.

Go into the shop...
First up... your eyes.

The killer... the moistener...
the look that strips naked.

Second, the gesture...
You squeeze her waist.

- I'd never dare.
- You must!

Creamery girls go for squeezing...

- And lastly, the words.
- I've never dared talk to her.

You present yourself to her
just as you are now.

- How do you want...
- Remember my student.

A cap for a creamery girl.
And the local slang.

Slang most of all.
Off you go!

Eyes moistened.

The killer look.

The look that strips her naked!

Oh, I'm sorry.

Do you have any jam, Miss?

Yes, Madam.

Not that one... this one!

I'm sorry, Madam... truly sorry!

Forgive me!

So, you old broads,
is it all hunky-dory?

It's all aces for me!

Sad case of a man who drinks!

- I'll never make it!
- Yes you will!

Just wait for next time.

Tonight, you'll do wonders!

I'll take you under my wing.

You're wasting your time.

How can that be old chap?
I've got eternity to play with!

Let's get to work.

Let's move on to the use of objects
offered by modern technology.

For example... the telephone.

We'll start with this bookshop.

Can I help you?

Can you show me what
you have on Don Juan?

Certainly.

- Might I use your phone?
- Yes, it's right behind you.

Thank you.

Is that you dear?

How are you, dear?

Oh, did Bettina upset you?

No... she's simply jealous.

Yes, you have fantastic legs.

No, I'm not joking.

I feel as if I can see them now.

The curves are delightful.

Of course dear.

Of course my dear,
change your hairstyle.

MY Opinion?

Have it done with the duck-tail
in the back.

And little bangs in the front.

I find that very delectable.

Yes.

/There is no subscriber to the number
you requested. /

/Verify the number of your correspondent. /

No, not tonight my angel.
Tonight is impossible.

I'm taken.

I'll call you tomorrow.
'Bye for now.

/Verify the number of your correspondent. /

/There is no subscriber to the number
you requested. /

/Verify the number of your correspondent. /

- Here you are, Sir.
- That's perfect, Miss.

Miss who?

My name is Poupette, Sir.

Tell me, Poupette, would you be able
to deliver these books up to my place?

- Yes, Sir.
- There we are, Poupette.

I very much hope you could
bring the books yourself.

- Certainly, Sir.
- Poupette!

I'll bring them at 8 o'clock...

this evening.

- You saw that?
- Oh, thank you!

You're been very kind.
I've enjoyed it.

It's not over.
How come you're so lazy?

I promised you
a complete education.

I know enough already.

You'll ruin everything
Tonight may be the night.

Come on, off to the station.
You'll ruin everything

Come on, off to the station.

Another modern invention favorable
to meeting women... the railway.

Watch him...
He'll do the suitcase-trick.

Excuse me, Miss... may I?

Did you have a good trip?

I've a moment to spare
to carry your bag.

It's simple and tasteful.
Over to you.

- Me?
- Yes.

- Go on.
- I'm going!

May I, Miss?

- Keep going, old chap!
- I'm going.

What are you waiting for?
Go on!

Well go on!

Did you have a nice trip?

This gentleman kindly carried my bags.

Very good of you sir.

Let me relieve you of those.

There you are.

Goodbye!

I shan't forget your modern methods!

No pleasure without pain.

That's the wonderful uncertainty
of seduction.

What's that man doing
over there?

He's preparing for something,
but don't know what.

I'm sorry, I feel faint.

It's never happened before.

- It's crazy!
- I'll call for help.

Don't bother...
I live nearby.

Well, that's a new one on me.

There was now way
he was going to let go.

- Any better?
-Yes...

Oh no... not yet.
I live in é,,— 25.

The key's in my pocket.

I'm very mixed up...
I'm sorry.

Quite remarkable!

I salute him.
Not even I...

Really?

I feel faint...
but I'll be alright...

Not bad, that guy...
He's got a class act!

I can see that!

Wait for the game,
instead of running after it.

An efficient, economical
and elegant process.

When I think of the exhausting work
of the stalkers...

- What's this?
- I don't know.

- I wouldn't mind seeing it.
- Yes.

DON JUAN versus CASANOVA

I Who are you, rascal... /

/to dare set foot on my estate?/

I I wanted to meet the seducer
of whom all Europe is speaking. /

I I thought he would
be a Spaniard... /

Sit down!

I If you are a caballero,
defend yourself. /

Your life is in my hands,
Don Juan.

I don't look anything like him!

Oh yes, there is some resemblance.

You love Miss Dolores Del Fallo?

A pretty girl, by Jove!

But who has resisted your wiles
for 6 months.

I bet you that I will seduce her
before you do.

But who are you, wretch, to dare
launch such a ridiculous challenge?

You're to find out.

Cheers, Don Juan...

from Casanova!

I'll have my revenge!

Outside, courtesans!

You're right, Don Juan...

Outside we'll have more chance
of meeting Casanova!

Hey, someone!

Saddle my horse. And do it quickly,
otherwise you'll regret it, rascal!

And now...
it's you and me, Casanova!

Just wait till you see this!

Greetings, beautiful Dolores.

Oh, Don Juan!

Compliments of Casanova!

Hey, brown eyes...
want a helicopter?

I don't understand, my beauty...
I'm going backwards.

Well, I understand.
Bye bye, cowboy!

Ludicrous!

You won't escape me this time.

Compliments of Casanova!

I shall have my revenge!

Thus did Casanova
long triumph over Don Juan.

They both used every ruse...

Nothing stood in the way
of achieving their aims.

Compliments of Casanova!

No, it's exaggerated!

I shall have my revenge.

Don Juan had an uphill battle
against the thugs hired by his rival.

You like to put a sock in it, Daddyo?!

At last, one day, Don Juan
seemed to be succeeding...

in getting away with
the beautiful Dolores.

Don Juan, are we going
to get there soon?

Yes, Dolores my beauty...
You'll soon be all mine.

Far from my rival,
I shall be alone in your heart.

My God,
what is that horrible creature?

A faithful servant.

Rely upon his discretion.
He is deaf and dumb.

God, he's ugly.

Come in Miss Dolores.

A repast awaits us, to refresh us
after that long journey.

Be seated, Miss Dolores.
Hey, someone!

Yum yum!

Oh, my beautiful Dolores.

I shall have my revenge.

Darling, I take you in my arms...
Do not resist me!

Oh, Don Juan...
you big crazy man, you!

Someone's coming!

To you, Dolores!

And "don't break the glass",
as they say in old Castile.

Skoal!

To the defeat of Casanova!

What's the matter with me?

Why am I feeling so sleepy?

A lead weight is pressing down
on my eyes.

But Sire, what's wrong?
Don Juan my friend, wake up!

He sleeps, Madame.

He'll sleep till dawn.

You think so?

Good Lord, you can speak!
You're not dumb!

Yes, Dolores, I can speak.

You're the most beautiful doll
from Castile to Andalusia.

Casanova'.!

Yes, Casanova!
Here to love you and serve you!

Let that idiot sleep...

and we'll take advantage
of this setting...

which cost Paramount 3 million.

Compliments of Casanova!

I'll have my...

You coming, darling?

I'll be right there my love!

Scandalous!

Let's get out of here,
before I do some damage!

Next week at this cinema...

I The triumph of Don Juan /

/The second episode in the life
of the incomparable seducer. /

I In this gigantic production
he gets revenge on his rivals /

I with Le Triomphe de Don Juan /

/you are given a new page of history. /

/Charming and magical, radiant and brutal! /

With the compliments of Don Juan!

I In the sensual and voluptuous setting
of torrid Spain... /

/the most provocative love story!

I and the bloodiest... /

With the compliments of Don Juan.

THAT'S what a film should be like!

/Again you'll meet
the heroic Don Juan... /

I Mystical... /

I Magnificent! /

I Exotic! /

I Elastic! /

I Enigmatic! /

I Discreet! /

/And always sympatico! /

I'll be back next week.

Look across the street!

I told you that the stalker
never stops.

- Incredible?
-It's exhausting.

It's the difference between lying in wait,
and hunting with hounds.

The trick is to find the place
where you will ambush the game.

The ideal is to set your ambush
near an obstacle.

A small step, perhaps.

You see... it would be child's play.

I'd never dare.

Try it.
See how it works.

- You're a stumble-bum!
-I know.

That young lady was charming.

What's going on?

I must have been too convincing.

- I tell you it's a saucer.
- I don't believe it.

- What is it?
- A saucer.

I don't think I'll ever
be a success.

You lack audacity.
You're as shy as a little girl.

Some men will do anything
to achieve their aims.

I'll bet that one doesn't
have any hang-ups.

Oh, Leon!

Well, well!

- This is a case for us.
- A rather special one.

"From the stars" is the name of a scheme
involving saying to a woman...

"Excuse me..."
are you Martine Carol?

"Oh, no Sir."

That's what I thought...
You're far more attractive.

That's silly!

Maybe, but it works.
You're going to try it right away.

Ask this lady if she's Edwige Feuillere.

Alright.

- Who was it?
- Edwige Feuillere.

- Excuse me...
- Heavens above, it's Prescalininel

Who, me?

Still the same joker.
Come to my arms!

Good Lord... I'm quite overcome
seeing you again.

6 years absence
without a sign of life.

I've been very busy.

He says he's been "very busy"
the naughty boy.

What are you doing here,
my prince?

Nothing. I'm meeting someone.

No doubt a woman, you rogue!
Bad luck for her, she can wait!

I'm not letting you go...
I'll carry you off!

- You'll carry me off?
- Yes, come home to my place!

We'll have a cup of tea!

You've so much to tell me
about all those years.

- There's not much to tell.
- Oh, I'm sure there is!

Do you give me your word
as a gentleman?

My husband's away.
I hope you'll behave yourself!

- I swear I shall...
- I know you!

- So... coming?
- But...

- I live close by. Let's go!
- Let's go!

You rogue!
Come on in, my prince!

What about hunting?
Have you had lots of kills?

- I don't really like taking about it.
- Oh, don't be so modest!

Tell me about it!

Well, there was this day,
down on the Amazon...

when I was cornered
by a jaguar...

The swine leaps...

I shoulder, I aim, I shoot.

- And...?
- The rifle jams.

I draw my knife...

I seize it, I thrust...

- And after?
- Well, after that...

The beast was still alive.

- He gets ready to leap.
- Heavens!

Grasping my rifle by the barrel...

I step back, lunge forward...

A leap to the right,
a leap to the left...

The beast was dead.

- What courage!
- Depends what you're used to.

Come in, my prince.

What about Nicole?
The shop will be closing.

You're thinking of her
at a time like this?!

I'll go and see her for you.

What are you doing?
Come in, my prince!

A dairy shop girl.

Well, I promised that idiot
that he'd seduce the girl...

I'll have to keep my word.

I'll change into Alfred!

No, that won't do.

We do it by the book.

Firstly, the clothing.

How stupid of me!
The head.

Obviously, he's not much
to look at.

Just have to make do
with what's available.

But what the heck...
I'll add some charm!

Perfect!

Hello there, young ladies!

Hello, Mr. Alfred.

You're as pretty as a picture!

And as fresh as a mountain stream!

Oh, Mr. Alfred!

Your eyes are like dew drops
on rose petals.

Your legs are porphyry columns...

and your bosoms, dunes
warmed by the sun.

Mr. Alfred, I've never heard you
talking like this...

- I'll leave you.
- Wait, he's scaring me.

I'd like to be an oriental prince
who could love you both!

Alas we live in the boring west.

I need to choose.

Miss Nicole,
what are you doing this evening?

Finally!

You know I'm going out
with the butcher-boy.

You're coming out with me!

We'll soon see about that!

So, Cream-puff,
trying to pinch flowers from my garden?!

This is your butcher-boy?

Himself.

If you don't scram now,
you'll be steak tartare.

You know, my boy...
that young face of yours...

reminds me irresistibly
of a hunk of sirloin.

What is with him?

You really think you could go out
with Miss Nicole?

This bouquet of lilies,
of rubies?

Never!

You get lost, or I carve you up!

This would be too one-sided!

But I'll teach you a lesson.

Do you know how to prepare
a leg of lamb for baking?

First we prick it...

Then we baste it.

You're the Devil!

Sometimes.

Mr. Jacques!

I'm sure you'd enjoy
some whisky!

I don't want to be any trouble.

Let me spoil you a little!

My Prince!

Nice.

Another drop!

A mere drop,
for a great whisky drinker.

Do me a favour, my prince...

Unzip my dress,
so I'm more comfortable.

I feel constricted.

- I'm to open it?
- Yes, if you please!

You tickled me!

It's done.

I'll just put on a bathrobe.

Behave yourself!

There! I feel much more comfortable now.

My great Don Juan!

Thank you.

This is good stuff!

You got visitors!

It must be Celossol

- Who's Celosso?
- My husband!

Heavens aboves,
what shall do with you?

If he finds you, we're done for!

God in heaven, hide yourself!

- Here?
- No, not there.

Open the door!

In there, quick!

Can you tell me, madam,
the reason for this outfit?

It's just the terrible heat.

And you've drunk all my whisky,
as a refreshment?

It's just because of the heat,
that's all.

And because the heat was so terrible,
you needed two glasses?

Oh isn't that funny!

I wonder why I took two glasses!

I wonder, too!

But I know the answer to that.
There is somebody here.

My dear,
you're out of your mind!

I'll just go and check
if I'm hallucinating.

"The terrible heat!"

"The terrible heat!"

Where is the swine?

You're wrong!
There's no one.

In the bedroom!

Celosso, Celosso...

"The terrible heat!" eh?

Listen, handsome...
Now you can beg my forgiveness.

But I'm warning you...
for 3 days...

you'll be deprived of
what you like most.

There's no more I can do
than say I'm sorry.

But you must agree that all
the indications were against you!

Come in to my arms,
you big jealous thing!

I forgive you.

An swine!

And here he is!

If that's damaged...!

Open up, if you're a man!

I can see you.

What?

I can see you.

I can see you.

- Celossol
- Hush!

Him first, and then us!

The swine!

Watch out!

YOU watch out!

Don't touch me!

Acrobat, eh?
Just you wait!

Give me a hand, you swine!

Here I am, you swine!

I've got you, you swine!

Swine!

Swine!

- Is that you, Honey?
- Yes.

Who'll pass the towel
to his little wifey?

It's the swine!

Thank you, Honey!

Oh, rub me.
Rub my back!

Oh, Honey, quickly, rub me.
Thank you.

Harder...
You know how I love it!

What are you doing here?

I'm not looking at you.
I'm just hiding.

Who are you?
Answer, or I'll call James.

Let me go!
James! James!

James, there's a man
in our house!

James.

Did Madam call me?

It took you a quarter of an hour.
Throw that man out!

Yes, Madam.

Madam, it's a mistake.
I'm looking for a man.

James, throw him out!

Yes, Madam.
Please, Sir.

Don't touch me, you flunky!

Watch out.
I also speak French.

You thug!

Hello, Sir.

Lovely weather we're having.

Give my regards
to your charming wife.

I'll be sure to, you old fool!

Such a nice man.

"Baa baa black sheep..."

There! There!

What a din!
They must be hungry.

Well, you can help me feed
these hungry bubs.

You were more talkative last night,
weren't you, Honey?

Here's a little antiseptic kiss.
Now to work.

Show that you know how to do
something else other than deliver them.

Who's going to have a nice drink
from the bottle?

You are adorable,
but you'll never be a wet nurse.

You deserve a kiss
that's not antiseptic.

My God!
He has a mustache!

Are you sure you didn't see
a man coming out?

Certainly.
I've been here all the time.

So he must be still in the building.
I'll find him!

There he is!

I was almost knocked over
by a man running up.

It's right to say there's no more
gallantry in France.

But why don't you
take the lift, Sir?

It's because you're so young!

If you had my old legs...

But at your age,
I would've been like that.

Silly old fool!

Come in! My son-in-law's friends
are my friends now.

You're too kind.
I greatly appreciate it.

Can I give you a kiss?

I love to kiss
my son-in-law's friends!

I have a touch of the flu.

Mr. Ce|osso...!
How nice of you to join us!

What would it be like
if you didn't have the flu?!

- My dear lady, I...
- I've got you. I shan't let you go!

Have you seen the newly-weds?

No, no. I'm leaving now.

You can't do that!
You must kiss my daughter first!

- Tomorrow!
- No... it'll just take a second.

Huguette! Huguette!

Could you go
and get me a cream-puff?

- I really should be going.
- Over my dead body!

Alright, |'|| fetch you a cream-puff.

The swine!

Kiss Mr. Celosso, my dear!

The swine!

Kiss Mr. Celosso, son-in-law!

A bit better than that, please!

That's it!

- Mr. Celosso, let me hug you!
- No. That's overdoing it.

- A cream-puff!
- There you are, Sir.

Now I'd like you to come
and kiss my wife.

Mr. Celosso, How I'd like to be
in your big manly arms!

Go and get me a cream puff!

There's your cream-puff!
The swine!

Are you getting fresh with me?!

- I thought you were someone else.
- One of your friends?

- That crook?!
- You said it!

Scoundrel!

There's the swine!

The swine!

Ah, Mr. Celosso.

Disgusting! Disgusting!

Beware! That man is a seducer.

He's just a friend
of our son-in-law.

Would you kindly
get off my wife's lap?!

- With pleasure!
- Wait, I want to talk to you.

Please Mr. Celosso,
you mustn't abandon me!

Excuse me for a second.
I'll be back.

But it's me!

IN
'WK.

Thank goodness!
I'm being chased by husbands.

Excellent!
You're making progress.

Go in there...
I've a surprise for you.

My pursuers?

Just leave it to me.
Go and hide.

Yoo-hoo, here I am!

Cream-puff!

Mr. Alfred!

- You're here?
- You were fast.

It was better not to hang about.

No, Mr. Jacques!

Come on!

I'll make mincemeat of him!

Where is he?
Wait there!

Good grief! The rival.
I'd better get going.

There's the swine!

That's him!
Come on!

Taxi? none here.

There!

Taxi!

Follow those bikes!

- The pack?
- Yes.

Great... I'm a big cycling fan!

We've reached the middle of the pack.
We're passing it.

Beautiful breakaway!

Get after them!

Go on old boy...
step on it!

Faster!
Give it all you've got!

- Miss...
- Watch where you're going!

Before I die |'|| find the courage
to say "I love you"!

- Look out, they're here!
- What?

- So, happy now?
- Thank you.

Cream-puff!

- They're charming.
- Delightful.

' My Prince!
"

Always making fun!
Come into my arms!

- It's lovely to see you again.
- After 10 years absence.

The swine!

THE END

Subtitles by FatP|ank for KG