Les genoux cagneux (1992) - full transcript

It's your castle.
- I'm giving it to you.

- We can both live in it.
- In the same room?

I don't want to go back!

- We can stay here if you like.

- I mean Paris.


It's true—I was thinking about it and at the same time
I wasn't thinking about it any more.

Kiss me.

Open your mouth.
- I daren't.

- Why not?

- Because of my braces.

- A year's a long time, will we write?

- Writing isn't enough.

- We might be able to make phone calls.

- Yeah, but we won't see each other.

- We'd need TV to see each other.



- I'm here!

- It's beating fast.

- Girls' hearts beat faster.

We're lovers.
- Yeah.

- I keep thinking that Marie's
leaving in three days.

And the others too, they'll be gone.

Dad says c'est la vie, everything changes.

Life's never the same.

There's always new stuff happening.

I don't see anything new at school.

It's always the same.

I don't like winter with the rain and—

darkness coming early.

Are you going to look for another girl at school?

- No way, they're all ugly.

Same for you, there are plenty boys in Paris.

You just have to choose.

- But it's you that I love.
- Me too.

Hey, Undertaker!

- What did he call you?

- Never mind him, he's an idiot.

- You know him?
- Yeah, a kid from school.

A dick, I'm telling you.

- Hey, Undertaker.

Good timing, I was looking for you.

- Well, you found me.
- I'm warning you.

If your father keeps on bothering my mother,

I'll punch you in the face!

- My father couldn't care less about your mother!

- Stay here, Mathieu, I'll get the gang!

Hey, gang, quick!

Quick, Julien, David, Luis!

Quick, hurry up!

- Your father stinks of death.
- Say that again!

- He stinks of death.
- Go to hell.

My father has all the girls he wants.

- He has nothing!

He only has that fat slag at the pool.

He's flirting with my mother, I'm telling you.
- Your mother's running after him!

And I'll tell him you said he stinks of death.

Not that your whore of a mother told you that.

- Bastard!

- That's a warning!

- Robert doesn't like that your dad buried his dad.
That's why he's bugging you.

- He's taking the piss, the dickhead.

- They could get married.
They're both widowed.

- Married, my arse!

I'll never let anyone take my mother's place.

My dad's got Martha La Louisiane,
and she's much nicer.

- Is it true your father stinks of death?

- You're stupid.

It's the employees who stink.

My father's management.

- Yeah you're right, I'm stupid.

Didn't think about that.

Your Parisians are coming. Bye.
- Bye.

- We're here! We're here!

You all right? They didn't hurt you too much?

- Where are they?

- Are you upset?

- Did it hurt?

- You should be asking them that.


Why is your father an undertaker?

My Dad's a Funeral Director.

Anyway, that's his job.

It's hard work getting to the water!

- Into the water! Into the water!

- Mathieu!


I love you for real!

Grandma's been going out of her mind
since Mum died, swept away by a big wave.

She doesn't like Robert's mother either.

This afternoon, Robert dragged me
to the cemetery, to his father's grave.

- Come here.

You wanted proof?

Here it is.

All of this is from you.

And besides, your Dad—
Do you know what he does?

He gives my mother all this for free.

- Oh no! No chocolate!
We're having dinner in five minutes!

His Majesty doesn't like us any more.

He's been avoiding us for several days now.

Do you know the reason?
- What do you think, Grandma?

- Shouldn't he be at the Countess's
playing his game of bezique?

- No, you're wrong.

His Majesty had a very big funeral this morning.

And this afternoon
he was going to deliver a coffin.

- Yeah. He should have stayed at home
to unclog the kitchen sink.

The castle is poorly maintained.

- Mathieu, go and wash your hands!
- Dinner in five minutes!

- They're clean.

Forgive me, I'm sorry,
but I'm overwhelmed.

Sorry. Of course, there's still no bread.

- It looks exquisite to me.

- Just meat, no carrots.

- Mmm, they're delicious.

- You can have my share, Grandma.

- No Mathieu, you'll eat your
carrots like everyone else.

- I don't like them.

- Don't complain. There are thousands
of starving children in the world.

And they can only dream of having
a plateful of carrots like yours.

- So just send it to them!

- Listen Mathieu, that's enough.
Either you eat your carrots—

or you don't eat for a week.

And then, you'll see,
you'll be dreaming of carrots.

Carrots have virtues.

They make you lovable.

And they make your thighs pink.

- Rose.

- What?

- I was saying: do you sleep with that on at night?

It's a shame you always
keep these things on your ears

because that deprives us
of your presence among us.

I beg your pardon, sir. But you know very
well that I can't be alone with my thoughts.


Robert's mother—

do you know her?

- So-so.

- So-so?

- Exactly. So-so.

I think she's dumb.

- She's been saying things about you.
- Oh really?

I don't see what kind of thing
she can say about me.

- She says you stink of death.
- That I what?

- You stink of death.
- Oh, right!

- Robert says it too.

- Fine, and who else?
- Nobody.

He also says you're sleeping with his mother.

- Right. Would you stop talking nonsense, Mathieu?

How about finishing your carrots?

- You want some?
- No thanks.

Maybe Grandma.
- What?

- Oh yes. No thanks, maybe Grandma!

- Oh no, thank you very much.


- I know you won't want to replace Mum.

- Listen to me carefully, Mathieu.

Can I tell you once and for all?

No one will ever replace Mum.

Do you want to please me now?
- Yes.

- Eat your carrots.

- Floating islands.

Madame's favorite dessert.

- Well Rose?

- I'm sick of working in a madhouse!

Next time I'll end up getting stabbed!

I want a hazard bonus, like nurses!

- Rose, I promise you that you will.

As early as next month.

Now that's enough Mathieu.
You're being unbearable tonight!

- So are you!

- What got into you, Grandma?

She's dumb, but she's not spiteful.

Isn't that so?

My Mum is somewhere.
I know that.

At night, I talk to her.
I tell her about my day.

Not everything, but the good things.

- I'm here.

- Grandma.

You have to stop pulling these stunts
or they'll send you to an old folks' home.

I'll do whatever it takes to prevent that.

- Maybe you can tell me why—

with Marie, there are days
when I want to see her,

and when I do see her, I no longer want to.

I don't dare ask her if she feels the same.

Anyway, when we get married, it'll be different.

Or it'll end in divorce.

I'm cold.


Hey, look!
Look, damn it!

It's a shark!

A shark!

Won't you kiss me now?

- Well—I don't know.

- Catch me!

You're idiots! It hurts!

- Stop bothering him.
He didn't do anything to you!

- That's not a reason.

Come on!

Why did you leave?

- Leave me alone!

- Have I done something wrong?

- She whistles and you come running.
Is that what you call doing nothing wrong?

You really have no pride, Mathieu.

- Marie, you're my girlfriend.


I don't know what I'd do if
I was given a choice like this.

Like—between two cakes.

- You coming?
I'm going to put on another swimsuit.

Maybe I'll take both.

That would be nice but—

Neither of them wouild like that.

Would you pass me my bikini in the green bag?

Thanks, but there's another part.


Some idiot plugged the hole.

Could you turn your back, I want to dry myself?

How does it feel to kiss with your braces?

- I don't know.

- Does it pinch?

What are they doing?
- What do you think?

- Are they kissing?

- I don't know, I can't see them any more.
- They must be on the floor.

- Maybe they're making out!


What were you doing in the changing room?
- Nothing.

- So why's he running away?

- He's gone to buy me an ice cream.
- An ice cream?

You were tired of being in there.
Let's go!

What are you doing out here in the rain?
You'll catch pneumonia.

Don't you want to go to bed?

- I'm listening for the dogs howling.

- For the dogs howling?
- Yeah.

They always howl when there's a full moon.

- Really?
I didn't know that.

Aren't you afraid?
- No, not when you're here.

- That's nice.

Don't go to bed too late.
- Yeah.

- Promise?

- Corinne, my daughter—

When she's alone in her room,
I can hear my grandmother.

She's talking to Mum, since Mum was her daughter.

I like my grandmother because
she's not a normal grandmother.

... your little man ...

Rose says she's got a lot of fuzz
in her head, but she's happy like this.

That little Marie—

She's lovely.

You'll like her.


Hold on, I'm coming.

Ah Marie.

- Why are you laughing?
- No reason—

Anyway, I can tell you,
I like you better without all that stuff.

I don't like it when you look like Dorothée.

- I thought you did, actually.

You like Dorothée, don't you?
- So-so.

And in the hut?
- What hut?

- Where you shut yourself in with her.
- Who told you that?

- I saw you.

- Yeah so what do you care?
You shouldn't have left.

- If we get married,
I won't be able to trust you.

- If we get married, Marie?

Don't bite!

Don't bite!

- I'm not biting, you idiot, I'm kissing you.

Hey Undertaker!

Second warning!

What are you laughing at?
- Have you seen your face?

You look like a tomato.

Did you get your licence?
- What licence?

- Oh Mathieu, I don't want to leave you.
- Oh Marie, oh yes—

My love—
- Oh Mathieu—

- Darling, I left some lipstick on your mouth.

Ignore them, they're jealous.

I'm going to tell you the future.
Mum taught me.

It's called the Tarot.
- I don't believe in that.

- Me neither.
- I do.

- Hey, that's bad luck.

Look at those boobs!

- Hey, look!
- Oh my God, she's hot!

- Not bad, right?

- They're bigger than yours.

- Don't worry, they'll grow.

- It's not Marie, it's me.

- She wants us to believe she's got boobs!

- Well I have!

Ask Mathieu, he's seen them.
- What?

That's not true. I haven't seen anything.

- Liar.

Over the towel.

- I had my eyes shut.

- Yeah right—he wouldn't dare
because Marie's here.

He had his eyes open.
Wide open.

- You'll never love anything but whores!

- It's true she's crazy about you.

No domestic scenes!
We're off!

Can you tell me my future, just to me?

- You're going to be a musician.

- No, a footballer.
- Musician. It's written in the cards.

You'll never get married.
- Then neither will you?

- That remains to be seen.

- Let's not start again, Marie.

- All right.

Your Mum may have been reincarnated.

- You're kidding—

My mother told me.

She learned about it
in her astrological studies.

It's like we're all attached to a turning wheel,

and after death it keeps
turning into the next life.

- Like a wheel of fortune?
- Yes.

There are good and bad numbers.
It depends on what we did before.

Your mum may be in another country.

With parents.
She's a child, like us.

- These ideas are stupid!

I don't want her to shrink like that.

To become a child again.

And for her to be with others
she loves more than me.

- Apparently we don't remember

- These ideas are stupid.

I'm sure Mum remembers me.

- You don't know anything!
- Shit!

- What's shit?
Why are you saying shit?

What the hell does that mean?

Stop using swear words all the time, it's boring!

- What?
- Boring! You know what?

- No I don't know.
- We're going to fall out.

- Good morning, ladies and gentlemen.

- A family of lunatics, honestly!
I tell you!

For the cat that eats everything.

- What's up with her?

- I heard her arguing on the phone with her lover.

- Her lover?
- Yeah, the bus driver.

They argue all the time.

Except the nights you're not here.

Jean-Louis, that's his name.

She takes him up to her room
to get English lessons!

You bet—they keep repeating the same thing
when they hear a noise on the stairs.

"My tailor is rich"

- Who does she think she is?
She's not the only one with problems.

- You're not happy.
- Not really.


holidays are over.

And all my friends are leaving with their parents.

And I'll be left all alone
to stand up to that prick Robert!

It's not fair.

He took Marc with him.

So there's two of them.

- Oh, that'll sort itself out.
- No, it won't sort itself out.

You know perfectly well it won't sort itself out.

- Excuse me.
Come with me.

Listen, Mathieu—

Don't you think the two of us are a bit lonely?

- We're not just the two of us.

There's Grandma, there's Rose.

- There's Grandma, there's Rose.
But it's not the same.

Listen Mathieu, now that you're grown up—

how would you feel if I remarried?

- Fine by me—

I like that one, with the raincoat.

- Me too.

You look like her.

To—going back to our conversation,
it's not about replacing your Mum.

- We don't need anyone.

I think of her every day.
Don't you?

- Yes, I do.

- I don't want Robert's mother.

I can't stand Robert.
I can't. I can't!

I don't just have to see him
at school all year round,

but you want me to see him
at home, mornings, evenings—

Wednesdays, Sundays, during the holidays?

All the time, in fact?

I can't stand his mother either.

- Well I can.

- You have Martha la Louisiane.
Isn't that enough for you?

For me!

Hey, hey, the money!

Hello Duchess, how's life?
- Here's the nicest of them all.

So is what they're saying true?

- Yeah, news travels fast.

- Are you getting engaged?
- Looks like it.

- As the postman st Saint-Thonant used to say:
"When love comes, you have to find a way".

Grandma, Grandma!
Come here, Grandma!

Dad's there, I can see him.
He's back.

This is great!

First time I've been here at night.

Can you see, Grandma?
There are lots of stars in the sky.

Rose told me once that—

Maybe Mum is living on a star.

And she's watching me.

Alert! Alert! Alert!

Alert! Alert!
- You'll see, she'll have lost her walkman.

- She's stupid!

- Grandma's disappeared!

She's not in her room. Not in the garden.
She's nowhere!

- What next!
You haven't seen her since this morning?

- Yes, she came in the kitchen this morning
with her hat and her purse.

She told me she was going to visit her land.

- Hey, your grandma's gone missing
and all you can do is eat?

- She always comes back.
- But this is worse, she might get hit by a car.

- Please don't make it worse.

Right, you look around in the streets.

And you stay here in case she comes back.
Let me know, no matter what.

- Okay.

- I have a funeral to prepare.
A big funeral.

- Quick everyone, my grandmother's disappeared!
You have to help me find her.

- We'll find her!
- How will we know her?

- She has her straw hat and her purse.

- I don't like this at all.
- We're not asking you to like it, come on!

Sarah, you lost.
You lost.

I'm still in Saint-Lunaire.
I'm calling you from a phone box.

Oh my God, wait. There's something
going on here. I don't know—

You shut up!



Bye Madame!

- You go to the bakery and ask if they've
seen the undertaker's mother-in-law.

That's where we found her
last time she wandered off.

She was buying cakes.

The mad old woman? No, I haven't
seen her and I don't want to.

If the undertaker sent you—

A hundred.

tell him that when we have
mad people at home, we watch them.

- Bye Madame.

- And tell him he owes me for a chocolate pastry!

I wonder he doesn't put her in the asylum.

His wife is dead. He doesn't have
to keep his mother-in-law any longer.

Two hundred. Anything else, Madame Gentillet?
- That's all, thanks.

Raoul! The old woman's on the loose again!

I'm waiting for the Paris-Brests.

We're abandoning the search for now.

Punitive expedition to the bakery.

She pisses my family off.
Immediate revenge!

- Let's go and steal some cakes from her.

- No, I've already stolen some.
Worse than that!

A bit of sabotage.

We're going to put a turd on her shelf.

- But—who's going to do it?

Well—you are!
- Oh no, I don't want to poop.

No, I won't do it.

I don't want to poop on the shelf.

- You idiot, you poop on a piece of paper.

then put it on the shelf.

- Why always me?
Why not you or David?

- That's the way it is.

- You're getting it wrong.
It's not worth bothering to poop.

You can buy turds at the joke shop,
much better, really big ones,

Hands off! hands off!

- Hey, we can touch!
- No, you can't touch!

- Right, you put it next to the cakes.

Not the chocolate pastries,
people could get confused.

Nobody will see anything, ever.

My parents did some research about that.

They say people see what they
want to see, and nothing else.

- So of course they don't want
to see shit in among the cakes.

Don't stand in the middle of the road, Madame.

You'll get hit by a car. It's dangerous.

What's the matter?


- Good morning.
- Good morning.

- Good morning.

- Good morning gentlemen.

What would you like?

What would you like?

- Speciality?

- Oh that?
- No, that!

- That?
- No, that! That!

- What's that? It's not possible.
Who did this? Who dared to do this?


It's nothing, it didn't touch the cakes.

Fortunately, look! There's space.

It's not touching the cakes.


Bunch of little thugs, I bet it's them!


It's an evil prank!

Bunch of little bastards!

You must get the same thing in Asia.

You can check it.
Yes, yes, I assure you, you can touch it.

It's plastic.

- Plastic?
- Made in Taiwan.

Hey, you're taking a picture!
- Oh yeah!

Bunch of hooligans!

Raoul, call the police!

- Stop, guys, stop, there she is.

Over here, over here, come on.

Where have you been, Grandma?
- Oh, in a lot of places.

Where did you find the cat?

In a rubbish bin?
- No!

He was lost.
- Are you going to take it home?

- Of course!

- hey, Undertaker!

- What?
- Third warning!

Dad, Aunt Rose!

We found Grandma!




We've found Grandma!

Where were you?
You scared us!

You know you shouldn't go out alone.

You should stay on your own land.

- Cat—in the washing machine.

It's in the washing machine.

For the soup.

- Mathieu, go and tell your father!
He must be worried.

Picture the scandal,
she's so unpredictable sometimes.

Imagine her trying to slap someone for no reason.

- Does she do that?
- Ask Rose, she'll tell you.

- Why do you keep her then?

- Why do I keep her?
Because first of all, she's not so bad at home—

and then Mathieu is very attached to her.

- So are you.

Me too, yes.

Well? Did you tell him?

- No.

- What are you waiting for?

- Okay I'll do it.

We found Grandma!

- That's good, Mathieu!
Thank you. Is she all right, at least?

- Yeah.
- Thank you Mathieu.

- Is there anyone here?
- What do you mean, anyone?

There's someone there!

- Ah yes, it's Mme Poussier
helping me with the accounts.

Listen, Mathieu!

Gertrude's gone on holiday
and I need someone I can trust.

And Mme Poussier is unemployed.

Plus, as you know, she's bringing up her son,
your friend Robert, on her own.

So I'm asking you to come and say hello.


How are you getting on, Mme. Poussier?
Everything all right?

- Yes Bernard, with difficulty.

- Don't bother.

I don't want—

people making fun of my grandmother.

- But we're not making fun of her.
It's pretty, and she's happy.

See? She looks like a real little girl.

- Don't be angry.

- Mathieu! Come here, please!

Mathieu, I'm warning you,
if you go on like this—

I'll send you to boarding school next year.

- Great!

Maybe there'll be someone there to love me!

I don't give a fuck about his college!

If I have to go, at least I'm out of here!

I can hide out at rue des Veaux-Girards,
with Marie, in Paris!

I like your cat, Grandma.
What's his name?

- Meow!

- Bastard!

I have no luck, not even with animals.

Nobody around here gives a shit about me!

Bye Madame.
- Bye.

Goodbye Grandma.


Sorry, excuse me.

Your grandmother's awfully elegant.
- It's natural, she was a model.

- In Paris?
- Yes.

Here too, and in America.

I'd like to go around the world alone.
With you, Marie.

- My parents wouldn't agree.

- What's wrong?

- A pebble.

They don't take us seriously.
- What did you say?

- They don't take us seriously.
- I don't care!

- They say it's kids' stories.

It just lasts the holidays tnen it passes.

- I don't care!
- Me neither!

Yeah! Six!

- It's five!
- Six!

Half-time, want a drink?

- There's nothing to drink.
- What a mess!

- Is it time?

- No, still five minutes.

He won't be late.


What did your mother die of?

- An accident.
- With a car?

- No, we found her on the other side of the estuary.

The current had swept her away.

Did she drown while swimming?

- No, it was winter.
I was still very young.

She was on the sea wall and got swept away.

Because when there's a storm here,

the waves are as high as the houses. Even higher.

I did tell you it's dangerous.

- Coward. Coward. Chicken.

Here he comes!

- Good evening, Rose.
- Yes!

What did I tell you?

- Your father's a real Don Juan.
- Yeah, kind of a Don Juan.

- Allo, you're here?

- Can we go?
- No, not yet.

Rose is calling her driver.

- Does she have a driver?
- No! He's her lover, for real.

Driver's his job.

- See you soon!

Oh you're here!

Come on, come quickly!
I'll give you what you deserve!

He's fast, for a driver.
- Yeah.

Makes sense, he's got the telephone in his heart.

- What was your mother doing on the sea wall?

- It was a shortcut home.

She wasn't careful enough.

- Stop pestering him, these are sad memories.

Can't you see he doesn't want to talk about it?

Hey, that's good!

It stinks of death in here.
- That's not true. D'you think you're in the morgue?

Hey, that one is full!

- No, they're all empty!

So, what are we going to play?

- We could play ghosts.
- Yeah!

Hey, there's some sheets.

- Are you ready, guys?
- Yes!

-All right, come on!

Stop! Stop! Shut up, dammit!

I need to pee!
- When you're dead, you don't pee any more!

Hey! Listen to me!
This really is a rotten game!

We're dead and then what?
- We just have to play Hell—

- Why not Paradise?

- Because it doesn't exist!

- Hey! Know what we're gonna do?

We're going to question the dead.
- Yeah! Yeah!

Spirit, are you here?

Well, we're getting a little bored with this.
What'll we do?

What if we organize a burial?
- Yeah! Yeah!

- Who are we burying?

- My brother.

Eternal regrets.

For my poor little one who shouldn't have died.

- I'm going to pee myself, I swear.
I'm going to piss myself!

- Farewell.

- I'm going to pee, I'm not joking!

That's it, I've done it.

Guys, I peed myself.

I peed!

- Damn! He peed.

- Bastard! He pissed himself!

Well, you smell weird this morning.

What were you doing last night again?

- Don't yell so loud!

- How's your English going?

- Good morning everybody.

Sorry I'm late, I forgot it was our Tuesday.

My respects, Madame Grandma.

How's it going Mathieu?

You smell like an old shrimp.

Rose, run him a bath.

I told you always to have a shower after swimming.

But it doesn't matter.


We have two guests tomorrow.

We'll prepare the menu together.
- Oh, of course.

As you wish, sir.

- I should point out to you that
I've rarely been wrong about the menus,

when I've known in advance who the guests are.

If they're local, I consult my colleagues—

when they have them in their service.
Or the merchants.

If Monsieur remembers,
I've often been congratulated.

- Calm down, Rose.

But we'll still choose the menu together
if it's all the same to you.

- Very well sir.

- Who are they? Surely you can tell me?

- A suprise.

- Dad?

Can I go out tonight?

- Listen Mathieu, I don't really want you to
get into the habit of going out every night.

- Marie can.
And she's younger than me.

Two months. Two.

- Oh yes, that's a lot.

- And it's the last day as well.

They're all leaving.

- I don't understand why you don't
go out with your school friends,

instead of playing all the time with these
children who are only here on holiday.

- I see my school friends all year round.

- Oh yes.
And Marie isn't here.

What about you, Grandma?
Nothing to say?

- She doesn't think any less about it.

121, 122, 123, 124, 125,

132, 172, 2232,

3627, 8972, 14875—yeah, new record!

- Stop, you're getting soap in my eyes.

- Yeah, keep your head up.

- You know what Julien says?
- No?

- Too many baths take away
the strength in men's dicks.

Because of cultures in the water.

Mushrooms and all that crap.

- I like your friend Julien.

He read it in a book.

Damn! Damn!

The coffin, I forgot.

- What?
- The coffin—

Cover for me, okay Rose?
Cover me!

What the hell were you doing?

Your father didn't want to let you out?

- My father—

It doesn't matter to him now.

- Why?

- He doesn't care about me any more.

- Too much work?

- No way.

People aren't dying any faster than usual.

No, it's more serious than that.

- Is he ill?

- Even more serious.

- I can't guess.

- He's planning to remarry.

- To Robert's mother?
- Yeah, an ugly woman.

- If she's an ugly woman, she's dangerous.

Because ugly women know
how to twist men's minds.

My aunt is an ugly woman.

She twisted the mind of a great guy.

- Yeah.

But with my father, it won't work.
- Then why are you worried?

- You wouldn't understand.

Come and see.

She takes him to the back
of the bus to french kiss him.

It's more comfortable than the driver's seat.

What did I tell you?

How about we try?

- What?
- A French kiss.

I want to kiss you, but not
a french kiss, that's disgusting.

- What do you know about it?
If everyone does it, there must be a reason.

Don't you want us to try?

- All right, but we should hide.

- We're hidden here.

No, that's stupid.

- Now that you've mentioned it, I want to try.

- All right.
But I'm the one doing it to you.

All right.

Our Father in heaven,

make me marry Marie.

And don't let Dad marry Robert's mother.

Hi Cadaver, off to join your Parisians?

- No, he's looking for his stupid girlfriend.

- Gang, help!

- Fourth.

We'll get you, Cadaver,
when your polluters have gone.

- What did they do to you?
- Come on, they're coming.

They're afraid of us.
- Let's go. They're coming.

All right then, what do we do now?
- Go for a swim?

- Too cold!
- So what do we do?

- We've done everything,
there's nothing left.

- It's always like that in the last days.

- We'll just have to go home.
- You don't care about anything.

- We could make a fire.

- And after that?
- We could watch it.

- Maybe we could do
a human sacrifice on the last day.

Oh no! Oh no!
No no no no!

- No, stop, that's not funny.
- I have an idea.

- Before you leave—

you have to do me a favour.

You come with us?
- Certainly not!

Come on, don't be silly.
At this hour, there's nothing to be afraid of.

- Shut up!
- You shut up!

Well! Come on in, the hardest part's over.

Good afternoon Madame.
- Good afternoon Madame.

- Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen.

Make yourselves comfortable.

Here are some cute little customers.

Do you see what I see?

It's not every day we welcome young people.


Why have you come to see me?

- I'm the son of Bernard, the undertaker.

- Mathieu?
- Yes.

- And you?
- Marie.

- Marie and Mathieu are in love.

Mathieu and Marie promised each other
to live together and be happy.

Marie and Mathieu are engaged.

- Yes they're engaged

- And?

- That's it—

It's not easy to say, but—

I know my dad loves you.
But I think he loves someone else too.

So that's it—

We just wanted to let you know.

- Really?

And—you don't like this woman?
- No.

- What can I do?
- Well—

- We thought you might be able to keep him a bit
longer when he comes to your house at night.

That way, he'll arrive late at her house.
She wouldn't be happy and they'd argue.

- You're too cute.

I promise you.

I'll do what I can.

- Thank you Madame.
- Thank you Madame.

- Afterwards, do I get a hug? Do I deserve it?
- Yes!

- In that case, fruit juice for everyone!

And for me, a pick-me-up. A double.

I don't believe her.

Do you remember what the old woman said?

I think you'd be better off with Robert's mother.

- How would you know that?
You don't even know her.

- I do know her.

I saw her when we left your house yesterday.

She was coming out of the shop with your dad.

Even your father seems in love.

- That's not true.
He's not in love.

- There's a way to make him stop loving her.
- What way?

- Magic.
- No no no.

It doesn't work, it's like the cards.

- Black magic—

- So what?
- The spells we cast.

I'll show you tonight.
- Yeah!

- I don't like you knowing black magic.

Later on, you might use it against me.

To make me become what you want.

- No, silly, not against you.

- The proof is that you're laughing.

- What makes me laugh is
that you thought about it.

- Rose! Rose, please.
- Yes sir.

- Don't call me sir, it pisses me off.
Are you saying it on purpose?

- Yes sir.
- You're giving Grandma dinner in her room.

You won't forget?
Oh Rose!

Please put on a white apron for serving.

- Like a servant then?

- If you say so.
Come on, little man.

Come on, don't make that face.
Look, they're coming.

That's the first time he's made me dress up
like this, because of some stuck-up cow.

And it's because of her that His Majesty
doesn't want you to have dinner downstairs.

She can't stand you.

And her little prick of a son can't stand Mathieu.

Anyway, if she moves in here, I'm out.

- I like to be served every day by my maid.

In my apartments.

- Make the best of it,
it won't be as good at the old folks' home.

- Rose!

- Yes sir.

- Serve the apéritif, please.
- Yes sir.

- Couldn't you take your headset off for once?

- Sir, you know very well I cannot
be alone with my thoughts.

Especially today!

Madame should know, you must take me as I am.

- Serve Madame.

Now the children.


Good health, to all of us.

- You two aren't very talkative?

- I'm sure they're thirsty and they—yeah?

- No, I'm not thirsty.
- Me neither.

- There's a very good dessert.
I brought chocolate charlotte.

Do you like it, Mathieu?

- No I don't like it.
- Me neither.

- Mathieu is stubborn.
I'm sure you intimidate him.

- There's sports coming up on TV at four.
Would you like to watch it at our place with Robert?

- No, I don't feel like it.
- Me neither.

- Well, you can't say they don't get along.

- They get along just fine.

Ah, I hope you like lobster, Nadine.

- I've never even tried it. Never.
- Seriously?

You have to make a wish.

It's true!

- All right.

- Here Rose, serve Mathieu, please.

- I don't like lobster.
It's disgusting.

- That's it! Listen Mathieu, that's enough!

You don't want to talk, you don't want
to drink, you don't want to eat.

You don't want chocolate,
Nadine's chocolate cake.

So please—do us all a favour,
and get the hell out of here.

Go into the garden and do whatever you want.
Now. Be nice.

Excuse me.


I want to get out this house.

Your father—is going to marry my mother!

It was your mother who came.
Nobody went looking for her.

I think it's stupid for us to fight.
Since we agree they shouldn't be together.

- You're right.

It bothers me.

And you too.

- Yeah.
- Let's tell them.

- I already have.
- And?

- She said it's none of my business.

- Let's swear an oath together.

- If you want, but what?

- We'll think of something.

- I swear I will never be your brother.

- Me too, I swear.

What did you write?

- Dear Madame, the man who's now flirting with you,

and making you promises of marriage,

is a dangerous psycho.

He goes to La Louisiane every night
and sometimes even at noon.

They also say he breaks the arms and legs of bodies
so they fit the coffins when they're too big.

Don't accept anything from this man,
you'll regret it all your life.

How did you sign it?
- A stranger who wishes you well.

What did you write?

- I want to put that she beats her son.

- Thats's not true, she doesn't beat you.

- No—but it sounds good.


A lemon?
- Anything'll do.

It's what you put in it that counts.

And also, a lemon is acid.
It eats into the heart.

Now you're no longer a lemon.
You're Nadine, Robert's mother.

This is for you. It'll make you ugly.

Nadine, your eyes will no longer see anything.

Your nose will no longer smell anything,
and it'll run non-stop with snot.

Your teeth will turn black.

Then fall out.

Your mouth will say nothing but nonsense.

Massive cold sores will appear on your lips.

- Stop it, that's enough.

- Now you have to spit on it.
- I don't want to.

- If you don't, she'll move in with you.

She'll have you and your grandmother locked up.

- All right, I'll spit.

- Come on, now we throw the lemon into the sea.

The sea has to finish the job now.

Allo? Allo, Mathieu?
- Yeah.

- Is that you?
- Yeah, it's me.

- Hi. My mother's coming to your house tonight.

You absolutely have to stop her.

- All right. I don't know how but—

I'll do my best.

And how—how's her face?

- What about her face?

- Does she look different?
Any sores or anything?

- Are you taking the piss?
- No, you wouldn't understand.

All right, bye.
- Okay, bye.

- I'll figure it out.

- Sores?

Mathieu? Mathieu?

Did you have a nightmare?
Answer me.

That's it. Come on. Come on.

Can't you breathe properly?

What's the matter?
Are you hurt?

- I ache all over.

- There's no fever.

Get comfortable here.

I'll be back.

I'm sorry.

- It's not going to be as easy as we thought.


We're going to invent stuff for next year.

- Hi!

- Philippe!

What are you doing?
We're expected!

We're going to be late, hurry up!
- Yes I'm coming!

Maybe next year.

- You seem to be in a hurry to leave.

- I'm off to get my braces taken out.
Aren't you?

- What's that going to do for you?

See you!

- Right, this is goodbye.

I don't want you to come to the station.
I don't like farewells.

- Bye.

- Bye.

Damn! We didn't take any pictures of the gang.

I'm not going to have memories of you.

I've got an idea.

Since you're good at drawing, you can
draw yourself here, on the wall.

Next to Mum's photos.

- I have to draw myself?
- Yes, here!

- I think I'm ugly.
- Are you kidding?

Are you having a skiing holiday at Christmas?

- I don't know. Why?

- Nothing.

Getting married is a long way off.

My parents say you don't have
the same friends when you grow up.

- Then I don't want to be an adult.

- Don't be silly.
You have to be adult to get married.

- I want us to stay as we are now.
- Me too.

But at the same time, I'd like to be grown up.

With you.

- Great!

I'll keep you on the wall.
You won't move from it this winter.

I can feel your heart beating in my hand.

I can feel you breathing.
It's nice.

Was your magic all crap?

- Yes, just for fun.

Did you believe it was for real?

Can we go naked?
- Oh no. I don't want to.

Anyway, it's not midnight.

- Almost.

Monsieur Casanova, your fiancée is here.

Guess what!
- What?

- Just—guess!

- Guess what?

- It's awesome! You're coming to my house
for a fortnight at Christmas.

- In Paris?
- Well, yeah.

- Rue des Veaux-Girards?

Yes, I'd be surprised if we've moved by then.

- Yeah! Brilliant!

How long 'til Christmas?

- Days or hours?

Dear Marie, 103 days to go.

Nadine and Dad have decided not
to live together until Robert and I are older.

In the meantime, Dad has rented
a small apartment so they can see each other.

Robert is happy, and so am I.

English subtitles by
jeremys and Marseille

TNT 2023