Leave 'em Laughing (1981) - full transcript
Mickey Rooney plays real-life clown Jack Thum. Thum and his wife cared for dozens of unwanted children. When Thum realizes he has terminal cancer, he falls apart and his wife must help him regain his innerstrength and deal with reality.
( whimsical music playing )
( children cheering )
( laughing )
( cheering )
Children:
BIGGER! BIGGER!
BIGGER!
( coughing, wheezing )
Doctor: KIDS,
SOME OF YOU MAY NOT KNOW
JACK THUM'S SONG.
IT'S A VERY SIMPLE SONG,
AND JUST PAY ATTENTION.
WHEN JACK THUM
POINTS TO YOU,
- YOU YELL, "SMILE!"
- ( song playing on stereo )
- ♪ Wear a smile... ♪
- Children: SMILE!
♪ When your face ♪
♪ Isn't feeling good ♪
- ♪ Wear a smile... ♪
- SMILE!
♪ And you'll feel ♪
♪ Like you think
you should ♪
- ♪ When you smile... ♪
- SMILE!
♪ All the world ♪
- ♪ Seems to smile
at you... ♪
- SMILE!
♪ And your life ♪
♪ Goes the way ♪
♪ That you want it to ♪
♪ It's part
of the clothes you wear ♪
♪ After you comb
your hair ♪
♪ Put on your shoes ♪
- ♪ And your smile... ♪
- SMILE!
♪ I'm so glad ♪
♪ That I'm here ♪
♪ And can stay awhile ♪
♪ There's no need ♪
♪ To applaud ♪
♪ Just sit up ♪
♪ And smile ♪
SMILE!
YOU KNOW, YOU'RE NOT TAKING
ADVANTAGE OF OUR DEAL:
FREE SHOWS,
FREE CHECKUPS.
WHAT DO YOU SAY?
ARE YOU GONNA CALL ME
FOR AN APPOINTMENT, JACK?
JACK, ARE YOU GONNA CA--?
OH, BOY.
( coughing )
( coughing )
DO YOU MIND IF I SIT DOWN
HERE BESIDE YOU FOR A WHILE?
HEY, DID YOU HEAR
THE ONE WITH THE GUY
ON A MOTORCYCLE
THAT MEETS THE FARMER
IN VERMONT?
HE COMES UP
TO THE FARMER,
HE'S GOING DOWN THIS ROAD
ON A MOTORCYCLE--
VROOM, VROOM, VROOM!
ALL OF A SUDDEN, HE CAN SEE
A BIG PUDDLE OF WATER
IN THE MIDDLE
OF THIS DIRT ROAD,
SO HE ASKS THE FARMER,
HE GETS OFF THE BIKE,
HE SAYS, "HEY, MR. FARMER,
HOW DEEP IS THIS PUDDLE?"
THE FARMER SAYS,
"OH, IT AIN'T DEEP
AT ALL, SON."
HE SAYS, "THANKS."
SO HE GETS ON
THE MOTORCYCLE--
VROOM-- STARTS IT--
POW! VROOM!
GETS IN AND BANG!
HE GOES RIGHT
DOWN TO THE BOTTOM
OF THIS MUD HOLE.
BANG-- UP TO THE TOP
OF HIS HEAD.
GETS OUT OF THE MUD HOLE.
HE'S GOT MUD ALL OVER
THE BIKE.
HIS CLOTHES
ARE DRIPPING WET,
AND HE HOLLERS OVER
TO THE FARMER,
"HEY, I THOUGHT YOU SAID
IT WASN'T DEEP!"
THE FARMER YELLS BACK,
"ONLY CAME UP TO HERE
ON THE DUCKS."
( grunts )
WELL, I'LL KEEP TRYING.
- ( funk music playing )
- ( gunfire on TV )
HEY!
HEY, LET'S CUT
THE RACKET HERE!
- ( turns off music )
- ( baby crying )
THANKS A LOT.
I JUST GOT HER TO SLEEP.
( funk music playing )
CAN YOU TELL ME
HOW A CHILD CAN SLEEP
WITH THAT RACKET GOING ON?
HER MOTHER WAS 15.
I GUESS IT REMINDS HER
OF THE WOMB.
CAN YOU GET OUT
OF MY WAY?
WELL, I'LL TELL YOU
ONE THING:
THAT CHILD'S GONNA
GROW UP DEAF.
- WHAT'S THE MATTER?
- NOTHING, NOTHING.
THE BALLOONS
DIDN'T WORK TODAY.
WHEN ARE YOU GONNA FIND--
DR. ABRAHMS SAID
YOU WERE WONDERFUL.
WHEN DID YOU TALK
TO THE DOC?
WELL, HE CALLED TO SAY
THAT YOU HAVE
AN 11:00 APPOINTMENT
TOMORROW MORNING.
WHAT'S THAT ALL ABOUT?
NOTHING. YOU KNOW
THOSE DOCTORS-- THEY TRY
TO DRUM UP NEW TRADE.
THERE'S NOTHING WRONG
WITH ME. LISTEN...
YOU KNOW
WHAT I'VE DISCOVERED?
THE FACT THAT IN THE END
OF THE ACT INSTEAD OF
USING YOUR BASIC--
- YEAH.
- BASIC RABBIT,
I'M GONNA USE A CHICKEN.
- WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THAT?
- I THINK YOU OUGHTA GO IN--
- WHAT HAVE YOU
GOT FOR DINNER?
- WANT SOME SEAFOOD, MAMA?
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN
THE ANDREWS SISTERS.
YEAH, IF I COULD SING
AND I WASN'T AN ONLY CHILD.
OH, THE LENGTHS
YOU WILL GO TO
NOT TO WATCH MY ACT.
YES.
( laughs )
( chuckles )
♪ FOODLEY-YAKI-SAKI,
WANT SOME SEAFOOD, MAMA? ♪
HEY, LOOK, SON,
I KNOW THAT YOUR DAD SAID
HE WAS COMING BACK
TO GET YOU-- AND HE IS.
HE IS, HE'S GONNA
COME BACK,
BUT IT'S BEEN
OVER A WEEK NOW--
OVER A WEEK, ZOOKY.
AND I HAVE A FEELING
HE'S NOT GONNA
COME BACK TODAY.
HUH?
WHY DON'T YOU COME IN
AND HAVE SOMETHING TO EAT?
IF YOU DON'T COME IN,
SHE'S GONNA BE AWFULLY
DISAPPOINTED.
HEY, IF YOU COME ON IN
AND EAT, I PROMISE
I WON'T TELL
ANY JOKES, HUH?
YOU'RE GONNA MISS
SOME GOOD FOOD.
NOTHING UP MY SLEEVE,
OKAY?
NOW I HAVE A LITTLE
COMPARTMENT IN THE HAT
FOR A CHICKEN.
- A LIVE CHICKEN?
- NO, FRIED CHICKEN.
- ( giggling )
- OF COURSE,
A LIVE CHICKEN.
PUT IT ON THE HEAD,
OFF WITH THE HAT,
THE CHICKEN'S THERE,
LAYS AN EGG ON MY HEAD.
WHAT DO YOU THINK?
- WHAT IS THAT?
- NEEDS WORK, JACK.
WELL, EVERYTHING NEEDS WORK.
IT'S JUST AN IDEA,
BUT OKAY, WHAT DO YOU
THINK OF IT, HUH?
HAS POTENTIAL.
YEAH, IT HAS POTENTIAL.
I THOUGHT IT WAS
VERY FUNNY, JACK.
DON'T STRAIN YOURSELF LAUGHING.
NEXT TIME I GET SOME CHILDREN,
I'M GONNA HOLD AN AUDITION--
FOR LAUGHERS ONLY.
- WHAT HAPPENS
IF THE CHICKEN FLIES AWAY?
- HE'S NOT GONNA FLY ANYWHERE.
I'M GONNA PUT A LEAD
IN HIS SOCKS RIGHT HERE,
SO HE'LL STAY.
WHAT IF THE CHICKEN
GETS NERVOUS AND DO-DOS
RIGHT IN YOUR HAIR?
YOU THINK THAT'S FUNNY?
ALL RIGHT,
I'LL TRAIN THE CHICKEN
TO DO-DO IN MY HAIR.
YOU KNOW, YOU CAN'T PLEASE
THE KIDS TODAY.
YOU JUST CAN'T DO IT.
THEY'VE SEEN IT ALL.
TELEVISION,
HONEY, TELEVISION--
THAT'S WHAT'S
RUINED IT ALL.
SURE, BIG BIRD--
HE STOLE ALL MY STUFF.
I WAS DOING A BIRTHDAY PARTY
THE OTHER DAY,
I WAS DOING MY, YOU KNOW,
THE THING WHERE I DISAPPEAR.
A LITTLE KID SAYS TO ME,
"OH, I KNOW
HOW YOU DO THAT--
SPECIAL EFFECTS."
WELL, ALL I CAN SAY IS...
THANK GOODNESS SOMEBODY HASN'T
LOST HER SENSE OF HUMOR.
OH, LISTEN, JACK,
I THINK YOU'RE LUCKY
TO HAVE SUCH SMART KIDS.
- I AM?
- YEAH.
IT MAKES YOU WORK
A LITTLE HARDER
AND KEEPS YOU
ON YOUR TOES.
YEAH.
I WAS THINKING,
MAYBE THE REASON
THAT THE CHILDREN
DON'T LAUGH ANYMORE--
MAYBE, JUST MAYBE,
I'M NOT FUNNY ANYMORE.
HMM?
EVER THINK OF THAT?
WELL...
YOU ARE.
YOU'RE THE FUNNIEST MAN
I EVER MET.
- I AM?
- YEAH.
THERE'S ONE THING
I DO KNOW, HONEY.
WHAT?
I HAVE NEVER MET A LAD
WHO DOESN'T ENJOY ONE OF MY
PEANUT BUTTER BONANZAS.
TELEGRAM FOR MR. ZOOKY.
HEY.
TELEGRAM.
TELEGRAM FOR MR. ZOOK--
( coughs )
GLAD YOU TRAVEL LIGHT.
( horn honks )
WELL, IF IT ISN'T
FLAPPO THE CLOWN.
WELL, IF IT ISN'T
FLAPPO THE MOUTH.
OH, FUNNY, VERY FUNNY.
NO WONDER YOU DON'T TALK
IN YOUR ACT.
NO COFFEE.
JUST ORANGE JUICE STRAIGHT.
YOUR STOMACH
HURTING YOU AGAIN?
NO, MY STOMACH
AIN'T HURTING ME.
WHY IS IT
ALL BARTENDERS THINK
THAT PEOPLE WANT
TO CONFIDE IN THEM?
BECAUSE EVERYONE DOES.
WHAT'S IN THE BOX?
I'LL SHOW YOU
WHAT'S IN THE BOX.
IT'S GABBY.
SAY HELLO TO JEETER.
JEETER, SAY HELLO TO GABBY.
YOU KNOW
THE HEALTH DEPARTMENT DON'T
ALLOW NO PETS IN HERE.
IT'S MY SEEING-EYE DOG.
JACK, IT AIN'T SANITARY.
RELAX, WILL YOU, GAB?
I GOTTA TEACH HIM
A COUPLE OF TRICKS
BEFORE I DO A BIRTHDAY PARTY
THIS AFTERNOON.
YOU'RE STILL DOING
THOSE BIRTHDAY PARTIES
FOR PEANUTS?
IF IT'S ANY NEWS TO YOU,
I MADE 50 BUCKS LAST WEEK
DOING ONE OF THOSE
BIRTHDAY PARTIES.
OH, YOU MADE 50 BUCKS?
WELL, THAT'S JUST GREAT.
HOW ABOUT
THE EXPENSES, HUH?
GASOLINE, BALLOONS,
PRIZES, YOUR MAKEUP,
FOOD FOR THE CHICKEN?
YOU'RE A GOOD CLOWN,
BUT YOU KNOW WHY YOU
NEVER MADE IT?
I DON'T WANNA KNOW
FOR THE MILLIONTH TIME
WHY I DIDN'T MAKE IT.
SMILEY HAD
SMARTS AND TALENT.
HE MADE IT BIG
WITH BARNUM & BAILEY.
I DIDN'T HAVE
THAT MUCH TALENT.
YOU--
I NEVER SAW ANYBODY
WITH TALENT
LIKE YOU HAD.
AND YOU KNOW
WHY YOU DIDN'T MAKE IT?
Both:
TOO SOFT.
RIGHT. JUST BECAUSE
YOU WERE AN ORPHAN,
THAT DOESN'T MEAN
YOU HAVE TO TAKE EVERY
STREET KID IN CHICAGO IN.
THAT HAD NOTHING
TO DO WITH IT.
AT LEAST YOU COULD TAKE
A LITTLE MONEY IN HELP
FROM THE STATE.
ALL THAT AGGRAVATION.
ALL YOU GOTTA DO IS
SIGN A FEW FORMS,
YOU GET A COUPLE HUNDRED
BUCKS MAYBE FROM
THE GOVERNMENT.
LOOK, I'VE TOLD YOU
A THOUSAND TIMES:
I DON'T RAISE KIDS
FOR PROFIT.
WHO'S TALKING ABOUT PROFIT?
I'M JUST TALKING ABOUT
A LITTLE BIT OF HELP,
MAYBE BREAKING EVEN.
JACK, YOU AND SHIRLEE
HAVE BEEN MARRIED,
LET ME SEE NOW,
33 YEARS.
34. 34 YEARS.
UH-HUH.
HOW MANY KIDS HAVE YOU
TAKEN IN IN THAT TIME?
37,
NOT COUNTING
OUR NATURAL DAUGHTER.
37 KIDS YOU TOOK IN.
- ( phone ringing )
- ( coughs )
YOU GET MY POINT?
HELLO.
OH, HELLO, BABY.
SURE, BABY.
LOVE YOU, BABY.
( wheezing cough )
ALL RIGHT.
THAT WAS YOUR WIFE.
SHE TOLD ME TO TELL YOU
NOT TO FORGET YOUR
APPOINTMENT AT 11:00.
GETTING SO A GUY CAN'T EVEN
DRINK HIS BREAKFAST.
JACK, IT AIN'T GOOD
TO BREAK AN APPOINTMENT.
JEETER, THIS IS
ONE APPOINTMENT
THAT I WISH I DIDN'T
HAVE TO KEEP FOR 20 YEARS.
SAVE ME SOME PASTRAMI.
- WHAT ABOUT THE CHICKEN?
- HE LIKES POPCORN.
( phones ringing )
JACK.
I THINK YOU DON'T
HAVE TO TELL ME.
I'M GONNA CUT OUT SMOKING.
( chuckles )
THAT'S GREAT, JACK.
YOU DON'T NEED
ANY MORE BLOOD
OR ANYTHING LIKE THAT
FOR ANY MORE TESTS, DO YOU?
NO, I THINK THIS
SHOULD DO IT FOR ONE DAY.
THAT'S GREAT,
'CAUSE I'M RUNNING SHORT.
HEY, THAT BEAUTIFUL
DAUGHTER OF YOURS, LAURIE--
SHE'S GOT A BIRTHDAY
THE 16th OF THIS MONTH,
A WEEK FROM SATURDAY, HUH?
- YOU'RE INCREDIBLE.
- I'M IN A BIRTHDAY BUSINESS.
HEY, WHAT ABOUT IF I DROP BY,
AND I DO A LITTLE SOMETHING
TO SURPRISE HER?
YOU KNOW, SHE'S PRETTY
GROWN-UP NOW, JACK.
- OH, SURE.
- YOU WOULDN'T RECOGNIZE HER.
WELL, SHE'S PROBABLY
GONNA HAVE A PARTY.
I COULD DROP BY
AND DO A LITTLE SOMETHING.
JACK, SHE'S HAVING
A ROLLER DISCO PARTY.
- OH.
- ( chuckling )
DISCO.
THAT'S GOOD.
UH...
I SHOULD HAVE
THE RESULTS OF THESE TESTS
LATER THIS AFTERNOON, JACK.
ARTHUR, I'VE BEEN
A PERFORMER FOR...
FOR 40 YEARS...
AND I'VE DEVELOPED A, UH...
AN EXTRA SENSE.
THE HAIR ON THE BACK OF MY
NECK, IT STICKS OUT
BEFORE THE CURTAIN GOES UP.
I CAN ALMOST TELL
WHETHER AN AUDIENCE IS GONNA
FALL IN LOVE WITH ME
OR I'M GONNA GO OUT THERE
AND DIE.
IT'S NEVER FAILED ME.
I WISH TO GOD I'D NEVER...
DEVELOPED THAT KNACK.
I'LL CALL YOU
ABOUT 6:00, JACK.
YEAH, THANKS, ARTHUR.
YOU GIVE ME--
GIVE ME A CALL.
HEY, THAT LAURIE--
LAURIE OF YOURS,
SHE WAS-- OOH!
SHE WAS A GREAT LAUGHER.
( chuckles )
HEY. HEY, ZOOKY.
( chuckles )
JUST THE MAN
I WANTED TO SEE.
I'M GONNA DO
A NEW ROUTINE,
AND I NEED
A PROFESSIONAL OPINION.
YOU KNOW, I'M--
MY GRANDDAUGHTER, SHERRY,
SHE USED TO
GO ALONG WITH ME
TO HELP ME
ON THINGS LIKE THIS,
BUT SINCE
SHE MOVED TO DENVER,
WHY, NOBODY GOES ALONG
WITH ME ANYMORE.
HEY, THERE'S GONNA BE
ICE CREAM
AND CAKE AND BALLOONS.
YOU DON'T WANT TO?
TO TELL THE TRUTH,
I DON'T WANT TO GO, EITHER.
IN FACT, I DON'T FEEL
VERY FUNNY TODAY AT ALL.
BUT A JOB IS A JOB,
AND I HATE
LETTING PEOPLE DOWN.
AND I JUST THOUGHT MAYBE...
I COULD USE THE COMPANY.
WHAT DO YOU SAY?
YOU KNOW, YOU'RE GONNA LIKE
BEING ON THE ROAD, SON.
WORKING A PICNIC
IS NOT LIKE
BEING ON A STAGE
WITH AN AUDIENCE.
NO, THE AUDIENCE
IS ALL AROUND YOU.
SO YOU HAVE TO BE
REALLY CAREFUL WITH MAGIC,
AND YOU GOTTA WORK FAST
BECAUSE THE SUN
IS BEATING DOWN
ON YOUR MAKEUP,
AND YOU'RE
IN A TREMENDOUS SWEAT,
AND YOU JUST HAVE TO--
YOU HAVE TO ACTUALLY
STRAIN YOURSELF.
( children clamoring )
YOU KNOW, I'VE BEEN
DOING MY FACE
EXACTLY THE SAME WAY
SINCE I WAS 16.
A CLOWN'S FACE
IS HIS TRADEMARK.
YOU COULD SUE SOMEBODY
FOR...
FOR COPYING A FACE.
YOU KNOW,
THE REAL AUTHENTIC CLOWNS,
THE REAL ONES,
THEY NEVER TALK
AFTER THEY'RE IN FULL MAKEUP.
THE TV CLOWNS
THAT DO THE KIDDIE SHOWS,
YOU KNOW, COMMERCIALS--
THEY'RE NOT THE REAL
SERIOUS CLOWNS.
THE REALLY GREAT ONES
LIKE LOU JACOBS,
EMMETT KELLY--
THEY ARE THE JEWELS,
CROWN JEWELS.
NOW THIS IS IT.
ONCE I PUT THIS ON,
I'M AS BRILLIANT
AS PIERROT,
AS EXPRESSIVE AS MARCEAU,
AND AS SILENT
AS THE GREAT ZOOKY.
( inaudible )
( whimsical music playing )
Children:
THERE'S A CHICKEN
ON YOUR HEAD!
THERE'S A CHICKEN ON
YOUR HEAD!
( clucking )
( applauding, cheering )
SO HOW DID YOU LIKE
THE SHOW, ZACHARIAH?
THAT GREAT, HUH?
YOU KNOW,
I DON'T WANNA TAKE
THIS NO-TALKING THING
PERSONALLY,
BECAUSE I KNOW
YOU CAN TALK.
I HEARD YOU TALK
TO YOUR FATHER
BEFORE HE LEFT.
YOU HAVEN'T SAID
A WORD SINCE.
YOU'RE LUCKY
YOU LIVE IN AMERICA.
YOU KNOW WHY?
BECAUSE THEY HAVE A LAW
THAT PROTECTS YOU.
IT'S TRUE.
I SAW IT ON TV.
"YOU HAVE THE RIGHT
TO REMAIN SILENT."
DID YOU HEAR THE ONE
ABOUT ROY ROGERS?
HE HAD THIS BIG PLACE
UP IN THE MOUNTAINS, SEE,
AND THIS BIG
MOUNTAIN LION...
...SO DAY 11,
STICKS HER HEAD
OUT THE WINDOW
AND SHE YELLS
AT ROY ROGERS...
♪ PARDON ME, ROY ♪
♪ IS THAT THE CAT
THAT CHEWED YOUR
NEW SHOES? ♪
YOU KNOW, ONE DAY
YOU'RE GONNA LAUGH,
AND IT'S GONNA SHOCK ME.
IT'S JUST GONNA SHOCK--
HEY, SHIRL!
SHIRLEE!
I GUESS
WE BEAT 'EM HOME.
I GOT ANOTHER ONE FOR YOU.
LOOK, SIT DOWN,
LISTEN TO THIS.
THE PRESIDENT
OF THE UNITED STATES--
HE HAS A HEART ATTACK
WHILE HE'S IN OFFICE.
YOU UNDERSTAND?
AND THEY ADVERTISE
ALL OVER THE COUNTRY
FOR A DONOR
SO HE CAN HAVE
A TRANSPLANT FOR HIS HEART.
( phone ringing )
STAY RIGHT THERE,
IF YOU PLEASE.
ALL RIGHT, I'M COMING.
HELLO.
OH, HI, DOC.
YES, I UNDERSTAND.
HOW LONG--
HOW LONG
WOULD I BE LAID UP?
HOLD IT. TWO MONTHS?
LOOK, I--
I COULDN'T-- UH...
I COULDN'T TAKE
TWO MONTHS,
BECAUSE, WELL,
I'VE GOT A LOT OF JOBS,
AND I'VE GOT
THINGS TO DO, DOC.
I REALIZE
WHAT YOU'RE SAYING...
BUT MY--
BUT MY FAMILY...
NO, LOOK, IT'S--
I UNDERSTAND
WHAT YOU'RE SAYING, DOCTOR,
BUT IT'S TWO MONTHS.
DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THAT?
AND I CAN'T.
I'VE GOT A LOT OF WORK.
BESIDES, YOUR--
YOUR ODDS...
YOUR ODDS ARE LOUSY.
DOC, YOUR ODDS
ARE REALLY LOUSY.
LET ME SEE...
WHERE WAS I?
OH, YEAH,
THE PRESIDENT.
THE PRESIDENT
HAD A HEART ATTACK,
AND THEY WERE--
THEY WERE LOOKING
FOR DONORS,
UH, FOR A TRANSPLANT.
AND THEY WANTED--
I FORGET
THE REST OF THE STORY.
HELLO, MR. CARNAHAN?
MR. CARNAHAN,
THIS IS JACK THUM.
YEAH, I'VE DONE
QUITE A BIT OF WORK
DOWN AROUND THAT SCHOOL
EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE.
I WAS CALLING TO SEE
THAT, YOU KNOW,
MAYBE SOME THINGS
THAT COULD BE COMING UP
THERE, YOU KNOW,
WITH PARTIES OR BIRTHDAYS
OR MAYBE A CELEBRATION
OF SOME KIND THAT I--
YES, I UNDERSTAND.
( hangs up )
( picks up phone,
dialing )
( shouting )
NO, I WON'T LEAVE
ANY NUMBER OF MINE
ON ANY MACHINE!
LISTEN, MACHINE,
YOU'RE TALKING TO
A REAL, LIVE PERSON
AND I'M NOT
GONNA LEAVE MY NUMBER
ON ANY DAMN MACHINE!
( slams receiver )
- JACK, WHAT'S THE MATTER?
- NOTHING!
IT'S NOTHING AT ALL.
STOP THAT--
LISTEN, WHAT'S
THE MATTER WITH YOU?
YOU KNOW THE--
LISTEN, YOU KNOW THE RULES.
IF YOU CAN'T LIVE BY THE RULES,
THEN GET OUT!
- JACK.
- I'M SICK AND TIRED OF IT.
YOU UNDERSTAND
THAT I'M SICK AND TIRED
OF TRYING TO CALL
AND GET WORK
SO I CAN PAY THE RENT
IN THIS ROTTEN APARTMENT?
I'M SORRY.
HONEY, I'M SORRY.
I'VE GOTTA GET OUT OF HERE.
- ( people laughing )
- ( upbeat music playing )
- HI, JACK.
- HI, GINA. GIVE ME
A SEVEN AND SEVEN.
ALL RIGHT.
SEVEN AND SEVEN
FOR JACK.
- JACK'S HERE?
- YEAH, OVER THERE.
THERE YOU ARE.
NO, NO,
THE OTHER WAY AROUND.
- OH, NO, NO, NO.
- THE OTHER WAY AROUND.
NO, NO, NO,
YOU GOTTA BE CAREFUL
WITH YOUR STOMACH.
THERE'S NOTHING WRONG
WITH MY STOMACH.
YOU'RE THE ONE
THAT'S ALWAYS
ON THE VERGE OF ULCERS.
- ARE YOU SURE?
- I'M SURE. I'M POSITIVE.
- OKAY, OKAY.
- LEAVE ME ALONE.
HEY, DID YOU
SEE THE NEW POSTER
WITH SMILEY'S PICTURE?
HOW COULD I MISS IT?
I THOUGHT YOU'D
HAVE IT OUTSIDE
IN NEON WITH SEARCHLIGHTS
GOING AROUND IN THE AIR.
WOW-WOW-WOW.
DO YOU REMEMBER THE TIME
WHEN WE PICKED HIM
OUT OF THE GUTTER
THE NIGHT
BEFORE HE GOT MARRIED?
HE NEVER WOULD HAVE REACHED 30
IF IT WASN'T FOR YOU AND ME.
TELL IT
TO BARNUM & BAILEY.
( sighs )
WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME
THAT YOU AND ME
WENT ON A BENDER?
YOU MEAN, REAL DRUNK?
I MEAN, WE GOT
NAILED DOWN, SMASHED.
- OH, YOU MEAN
REALLY DRUNK.
- WRECKED. WRECKED.
NEW YEAR'S EVE, EH?
1968.
I'D SAY WE'RE
A LITTLE OVERDUE, EH?
WHAT ARE WE DRINKING TO?
SMILEY?
NO, WE'RE GONNA
DRINK TO US--
TO FLAPPO
AND FLAPPO THE CLOWN.
YOU KNOW, I SHOULD
APOLOGIZE TO YOU.
- YOU WERE RIGHT
ABOUT ONE THING.
- ABOUT WHAT?
FLAPPO THE CLOWN.
I'M A FLOP AT MOST
EVERYTHING I'VE DONE.
( inaudible dialogue )
( inaudible singing )
- ( coughs )
- WE'RE CELEBRATING.
LOOKS LIKE YOU STARTED
WITHOUT ME.
- WELL...
- GINA, ANOTHER ONE.
OH, NO.
PLEASE, DON'T OPEN
ANOTHER BOTTLE
ON MY ACCOUNT.
NOT A BOTTLE, A GLASS.
I'M DRUNK, BUT I'M NOT CRAZY.
- ( slurring )
HAVE YOU BEEN DRINKING?
- OH, NO.
- HAVE YOU BEEN DRINKING?
- WHAT IS THE OCCASION?
UH, IT'S NEW YEAR'S EVE,
1968.
- HUH?
- YEAH.
- ( both laughing )
- OH, DID WE HAVE BALL.
YOU TWO-- YOU KIDS
HAVE A FIGHT, HUH?
- Shirlee: NOT YET.
- NO.
- BECAUSE I THINK I--
- WHERE ARE YOU GOING?
I THINK I GOTTA GO
TO THE JOHN.
UGH, NOW I KNOW
WHY I DON'T DRINK.
I HATE BOOZE.
ARE YOU GONNA TELL ME
WHAT IT IS?
NO.
NO, I--
I CAN'T TELL YOU
WHAT IT IS HERE.
WOULD YOU LIKE
TO TELL ME AT HOME?
NO.
I CAN'T TELL YOU
AT HOME, EITHER.
JACK, PLEASE TELL ME.
I CAN TAKE IT.
I JUST CAN'T STAND
NOT KNOWING.
IT'S NOT YOU.
HONEY, IT AIN'T YOU.
I LOVE YOU.
I CAN'T SAY IT
BECAUSE I'M AFRAID...
IF I SAY IT,
IT WILL BE REAL.
WHAT?
WELL, IT CAN'T--
CAN'T BE TOO BAD.
I'LL JUST HAVE TO
CUT OUT
MAYBE
THE BALLOON BIT.
IT'S OLD--
IT'S OLD ANYWAY.
IT'S OUTDATED.
JACK.
YOUR OLD MAN
HAS A BAD LUNG.
DOCTOR WANTS
TO TAKE IT OUT.
( distant siren wails )
( cat meowing )
YES...
( grunts )
IT'S GONNA--
IT'S GONNA BE ALL RIGHT.
( baby crying )
( baby stops crying )
MOM, I JUST GOT ANGIE
BACK DOWN.
WHAT'S THE OCCASION HERE?
YOU HAVEN'T MADE BISCUITS
IN A LONG TIME.
I KNOW.
I JUST FELT LIKE...
DOING SOMETHING SPECIAL
THIS MORNING.
YOU KNOW,
I'VE BEEN THINKING
SINCE LAST NIGHT,
IT'S NOT RIGHT
THAT JACK SUPPORTS
ALL OF US.
SO I FOUND OUT
ABOUT THIS JOB
AT A GARAGE,
AND I CAN MAKE, LIKE,
100 BUCKS A WEEK--
IF YOU WOULDN'T MIND
WATCHING ANGIE
WHILE I WAS GONE.
NO, I WOULDN'T MIND
WATCHING THE BABY.
- THANK YOU.
- HEY...
IF IT WEREN'T
FOR YOU AND JACK
LETTING US LIVE HERE,
I NEVER
WOULD HAVE BEEN ABLE
TO KEEP THE BABY.
- DID NOT.
- YOU DID, TOO.
- DID NOT.
- BE QUIET.
ANGIE'S SLEEPING.
WAIT, PUT THAT BACK.
I WANT TO TALK TO YOU.
YOU KNOW THAT JACK AND I
LOVE ALL OF YOU
AS IF YOU WERE
BORN TO US.
WE'RE A FAMILY,
AND PROBABLY A LOT CLOSER
THAN A LOT OF FAMILIES
BECAUSE WE REMEMBER
WHAT IT WAS LIKE
NOT TO HAVE EACH OTHER,
RIGHT?
WELL, YESTERDAY WE FOUND OUT
THAT JACK IS SICK.
NOW, IT'S NOTHING
TO GET WORRIED ABOUT,
BUT, UH, HE HAS TO GO
INTO THE HOSPITAL
SOON FOR AN OPERATION.
- IS HE GONNA DIE?
- OF COURSE NOT.
DON'T BE STUPID.
WELL, HONEY,
NOBODY KNOWS
ANYTHING FOR CERTAIN
IN THIS LIFE
UNTIL AFTER IT'S OVER,
BUT I CAN'T MAKE
ANY PROMISES.
I THINK HE'S
GONNA BE OKAY.
- SO DO I.
- ME, TOO.
- MOM.
- YEAH?
IF-- IF SOMETHING
SHOULD HAPPEN TO JACK,
WILL WE STILL LIVE HERE?
OH, OF COURSE, SWEETHEART.
THIS IS YOUR HOME
NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS.
- Alice: BYE, MOM.
- BYE, HONEY.
- SEE YOU LATER, MOM.
- OKAY, RALPHIE.
- Tommy: I'LL BE HOME AT
NOON TO FEED ANGIE.
- ALL RIGHT.
( front door closes )
I WAS JUST LOOKING
THROUGH A FEW THINGS.
YEAH.
WELL, I STARTED UP
SOME BISCUITS.
OH, BISCUITS.
YOU'RE SO TERRIFIC.
NOT REALLY.
I KNEW YOU'D LIKE THEM.
YEAH.
THEY'RE THE GREATEST
THING IN THE WORLD
FOR A HANGOVER.
A BAD ONE?
A BAD ONE?
NEXT TO WHAT?
I-- I-- I TALKED TO THE DOCTOR
THIS MORNING,
AND HE SAID
THAT YOU'LL BE GOING
INTO THE HOSPITAL ON MONDAY,
AND TUESDAY
YOU'LL HAVE THE OPERATION.
A GUY GETS A SPOT
ON HIS X-RAY,
AND HE GETS
HIS VOTE CANCELED.
IT CAN'T WAIT, JACK.
YOU CAN'T LET THIS THING
HANG OVER YOUR HEAD.
HONEY, LOOK,
I'VE GOT A LOT OF WORK
COMING UP THIS WEEK.
I GOT PARTY AFTER PARTY.
IT'S A $300 WEEK.
WELL, I'LL TELL THEM.
I'LL CALL EVERYBODY.
I'LL LET THEM KNOW.
HONEY, HAVE YOU
GIVEN ANY THOUGHT
AS TO WHO'S GONNA PAY
FOR THIS BIG OPERATION?
THE DOCTOR SAID
THAT THE HOSPITAL ROOM
AND THE MEDICAL BILLS
WILL BE WAIVED.
- WHAT, ARE WE SOME KIND OF
CHARITY CASE OR SOMETHING?
- OH, NO, NO, JACK.
- COME ON, I MEAN IT.
- AFTER 30 YEARS
OF FREE SHOWS,
HE FIGURED
YOU'RE ENTITLED.
OH, TOMMY'S GOT A JOB.
YOU DIDN'T TELL EVERYBODY
THAT I WAS GOING TO
THE HOSPITAL, DID YOU?
- WHAT DID YOU DO THAT FOR?
- OH, JACK, WE ALWAYS
LEVEL WITH THE KIDS.
WHAT DID YOU
WANT ME TO SAY,
THAT YOU WERE GONNA
TAKE A LITTLE VACATION
TO MIAMI?
(chuckles )
NO.
- WELL?
- NO.
ALL RIGHT, SO THEY KNOW.
JACK THUM IS OFF
FOR BACKLESS NIGHTGOWNS
AND RUBBERY JELL-O.
YES, WELL, IF I KNOW YOU,
YOU'LL WORK THAT
INTO AN ACT.
- YEAH.
- TELL ME
WHICH IS FUNNIER--
RED JELL-O
OR GREEN JELL-O?
- WHICH IS FUNNIER?
- YELLOW, YELLOW.
- YELLOW?
- YELLOW.
YELLOW RUBBERY JELL-O?
UGH.
- HAVE YOU GOT
A SHOW TODAY?
- NO.
HEY, THE CIRCUS
IS IN TOWN.
OH, I'D LOVE TO GO,
BUT I HAVE TO STAY
AND WATCH THE BABY.
- EH, YOU'RE A DRAG.
- YEAH, I KNOW,
BUT I THINK I CAN
SCRAPE SOMEBODY UP
FOR YOU.
- REALLY?
- YEAH.
Barker:
CIRCUS SOUVENIR PROGRAMS!
( carnival music playing )
Vendor: HOT DOGS!
( trumpeting )
I HAVE 1 AND 1-B HERE,
RIGHT HERE.
Announcer:
Your attention, please.
Two things I would like
you to be aware of...
ALL RIGHT, LOOKS LIKE
YOU'RE READY
FOR YOUR FIRST
ELEPHANT RIDE.
( children giggling )
- ( fanfare )
- ( applause )
Ladies and gentlemen,
boys and girls,
Circus On Parade!
Welcome to the world
of America's...
Presenting the only act
of its kind
in the world today--
16 beautiful
Siberian tigers.
And featuring the only
performing white tigers
in existence today.
( whistle blowing )
Rings one and three--
a menagerie of accomplished
animal actors.
- ( drumroll )
- ( applause )
( fanfare )
Buffoonery
with the circus clown!
( laughter )
Have you enjoyed our show
so far this afternoon?
YOU REALLY THINK
THAT'S FUNNY?
( fanfare, drumroll )
( growling )
HEY, FELLA,
COULD YOU TELL ME
WHERE I MIGHT FIND SMILEY?
YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED
TO BE BACK HERE.
- IT'S ALL RIGHT.
I KNOW HIM VERY WELL.
- YOU DO?
SURE. HIS NAME IS
ARNIE MOFFAT.
HE DRINKS NOTHING BUT
BOURBON AND DR. PEPPER
AND ALWAYS DRINKS A TOAST
TO TONTO'S REVENGE.
YOU KNOW HIM.
THE RED-AND-WHITE ONE
DOWN THERE.
OH, THANKS VERY MUCH.
- IS SMILEY IN?
- HE AIN'T HERE.
- COULD YOU TELL ME
WHERE I MIGHT FIND HIM?
- Smiley: JACK?
- I DON'T BELIEVE IT.
YOU SON OF A GUN!
- NOT IN, HUH?
IT'S OKAY, HONEY.
- YOU GO ON.
I'LL SEE YOU LATER.
- HAVE YOU GOT A MINUTE?
YOU BET I DO!
WE'VE GOT PLENTY OF TIME.
WE'VE GOT AN HOUR AND A HALF
TILL THE NEXT SHOW.
I THOUGHT
YOU'D NEVER COME.
WHY, WE PLAYED CHICAGO
SIX TIMES, AND YOU DIDN'T
SHOW UP ONCE.
I KNOW, BUT ZOOKY
TOOK ME BY THE HAND
AND DRAGGED ME HERE.
I COULDN'T STAY AWAY.
- HOW DO YOU DO?
- HE'S A LITTLE SHY.
- A LITTLE SHY, SMILEY.
- OKAY, MOM.
- I'LL TAKE OFF
THE HELMET HERE.
- OKAY.
TONTO'S REVENGE--
HOW ABOUT A DRINK?
NO, THANKS. NO.
I GOT INTO A DRINKING
BOUT LAST NIGHT,
- AND I'M GETTING OVER
THE, YOU KNOW...
- WHO WON?
UH, I-- I DON'T KNOW.
WELL, I'D PUT
MY MONEY ON YOU
IF I WAS A BETTING MAN.
YOU LOOK LOUSY.
OH, THANKS, THANKS.
I APPRECIATE IT.
( laughs )
IS THAT YOUR KID?
YEAH, THIS IS MY BOY.
HOW'D YOU LIKE
THE SHOW, KID?
HE'S PRACTICING
HIS MIME.
OH. GONNA TAKE AFTER
YOUR OLD MAN, HUH?
( high-pitched voice )
YEAH, IF I SEE SOMETHING
FUNNY, I'LL LAUGH.
MY DAD TRIES ALL HIS
FUNNY STUFF ON ME.
I'M HIS LAUGH-O-METER.
YOU KNOW, YOU CAN ALWAYS
TELL A GOOD VENTRILOQUIST--
THE DUMMY'S LIPS
NEVER MOVE.
HEY, GO AND SIT DOWN, SON.
SIT OVER THERE.
ATTABOY.
WELL, HOW'S JEETER?
OH, FINE.
HEY, HE'S RUNNING
THE GREATEST LITTLE BAR
YOU EVER SAW IN CHI,
AND AT NO PROFIT,
OF COURSE.
YEAH, THAT'S
JEETER ALL OVER.
HOW ABOUT SHIRLEE?
OH, SHE'S FINE.
HOME WITH THE KIDS.
( coughs )
HOW IS BEA?
I DON'T KNOW.
I HAVEN'T SEEN HER
IN 7 YEARS.
WHAT?
LAST I HEARD,
SHE WAS IN CALIFORNIA.
I'M SORRY.
I DIDN'T--
I DIDN'T MEAN
TO MENTION IT.
OH, IT'S NOT HER FAULT.
THIS IS NO KIND OF LIFE
FOR RAISING KIDS.
YOU KNOW,
SOMETIMES I WONDER
IF MAYBE I DIDN'T MAKE
THE WRONG TURN SOMEWHERE.
SEEMS LIKE ONLY YESTERDAY
YOU WERE SOBERING ME UP
FROM MY WEDDING.
( laughs )
AND TONIGHT--
WELL, TONIGHT...
I'M JUST AN OLD MAN
LIVING IN A TRAILER.
TOO LATE FOR REGRETS.
OH, YOU BET.
HEY, I WAS JUST THINKING,
YOU KNOW, WHAT YOU
OUGHTA DO SOMETIME
IS DROP BY JEETER'S BAR
AND SAY HI 'CAUSE
HE'D LOVE TO SEE YOU.
HE'S GOT A BIG POSTER OF YOU
ON THE SIDE OF THE WALL.
- LOOKS AT IT ALL THE TIME.
- NO KIDDING.
YEAH, HE KEEPS SAYING,
"THERE'S SMILEY."
MAYBE I'LL DO THAT.
MAYBE I WILL JUST DO THAT.
YEAH, HE'D LOVE IT.
HEY, ARE YOU SURE YOU WON'T
HAVE A DRINK, HUH?
NO, UH--
NO, NO, THANKS.
I'VE GOT TO GET
THE BOY HOME.
THANKS, JANK.
"JANK"?
NOBODY CALLS ME JANK
ANYMORE.
( chuckles )
THOSE WERE THE DAYS, HUH?
"JANK, JACK AND JEETER."
AH.
- GIVE SHIRL A KISS FOR ME.
- I WILL, SMILEY. BYE.
( trumpeting )
Man:
WHAT'S THE PROBLEM?
Jack:
UH, AN OPERATION.
GONNA HAVE AN OPERATION.
Man:
WELL, THE KIND
OF POLICY YOU HAVE
DOESN'T APPLY TO THIS
SITUATION.
I'M SORRY.
IT'S FOR MY FAMILY.
WHILE I'M NOT GONNA BE ABLE
TO WORK FOR THESE FEW MONTHS,
I WANT TO SEE TO IT
THAT THEY GET SOMETHING
TO TIE THEM OVER.
YOU SEE, YOU HAVE
MINIMUM COVERAGE FOR
A SELF-EMPLOYED BUSINESSMAN.
BUT IT SAYS
THAT IT'S WORTH $50,000.
OH, AND IT IS,
BUT ONLY IN THE CASE
OF ACCIDENTAL DEATH.
WAIT A MINUTE,
LET ME GET THIS STRAIGHT.
YOU MEAN, IF I LIE IN
A HOSPITAL FOR SIX MONTHS,
AND I'M SUFFERING,
I DON'T GET NOTHING.
BUT IF I WERE
TO WALK OUT OF YOUR OFFICE,
AND I GET HIT BY A TRUCK,
THEN I'M WORTH $50,000?
BASICALLY, YES. THAT'S THE KIND
OF POLICY YOU CHOSE.
Woman:
MR. THUM, MR. GREEN
WILL BE YOUR ROOMMATE.
WHAT'S HIS FIRST NAME?
WELL, I DON'T KNOW.
ROLAND.
HI, ROLAND.
I'M JACK THUM.
LOOKS LIKE WE'RE
GONNA BE BUNKMATES.
HMM.
PUT THIS ON
AND GET INTO BED.
IT TIES IN THE BACK.
I'M FEELING
PRETTY GOOD NOW,
BUT I DON'T FEEL LIKE
GETTING INTO THAT
JUST YET.
JACK, IT'S HOSPITAL RULES.
I KNOW,
BUT CAN I PUT IT ON
BEFORE I GO TO BED?
DO I HAVE TO CALL
DR. ABRAHMS?
- JACK, PLEASE PUT IT ON
AND GET INTO BED.
- ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.
MISS, PLEASE
DON'T TOUCH THAT.
JUST LEAVE THAT.
THANK YOU.
WILL YOU SEE
THAT HE GETS INTO BED?
YES, I WILL.
HEY, DOES SHE--
DOES SHE ALWAYS
YELL AT YOU LIKE THAT?
HMM.
NO WONDER YOU'RE
IN SUCH A GREAT MOOD.
HONEY, THESE DAMN
HOSPITALS--
THEY PUT YOU BETWEEN
THE STARCHED SHEETS
AND YOU START TO FEEL
SICK ALREADY.
Shirlee:
I KNOW.
IS THAT ALL RIGHT?
Okay, Peter,
just avoid that dragon
over there...
YOU KNOW, MY BEST AUDIENCE
IS DOWN ON THE FOURTH FLOOR,
AND I'D FEEL MUCH BETTER
GOING DOWN THERE,
MAYBE DOING A MATINEE.
YEAH, AND YOU THINK
YOU COULD GET BY
THAT WARDEN?
MAYBE IF WE BRIBED
A COUPLE OF GUARDS.
- ( both chuckle )
- ( coughs )
- YEAH.
- EXCUSE ME.
YOU THINK
YOU'RE UP TO IT?
WELL, I COULD...
SURE DO WITH HEARING
SOME LAUGHTER.
WELL,
I'LL SEE IF I CAN
PULL SOME STRINGS.
( both muttering )
( singing )
- Jack: SINGING MAKEUP LADY.
- ( laughing )
- ( elevator dings )
- ( phone ringing )
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
MAY I HAVE YOUR ATTENTION,
PLEASE?
THE MEMORIAL
ORTHOPEDIC WING
IS PROUD TO PRESENT
YOUR VERY OWN...
JACK THUM!
( whimsical music playing )
PFFT. PFFT. PFFT.
- YOU TIRED?
- JUST A LITTLE.
YOU GET SOME REST.
WHEN I'M FINISHED HERE,
I'M GONNA GO HOME
AND FEED THE KIDS.
YEAH, SAY--
SAY HELLO
TO MR. TALKATIVE.
YOU WORKED A MIRACLE
WITH ZOOKY, JACK.
SINCE HE'S BEEN
TO THE CIRCUS,
HE'S A DIFFERENT KID.
HE EVEN LET ME
PUT THE SUITCASE
UP IN THE CLOSET.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BURNED IT.
I NEVER THOUGHT
I'D ENJOY
THE SMELL OF
COLD CREAM ON A MAN.
YOU KNOW, I'M GONNA
TAKE THIS MODEL TO JACK
IN THE HOSPITAL.
- YOU CAN'T.
- WHY NOT? IT'S MY MODEL.
'CAUSE THEY
DON'T ALLOW KIDS
VISITING IN THE HOSPITAL.
OH, RIGHT.
UM, WELL,
I'LL HAVE SHIRLEE
TAKE TO TO HIM, THEN,
AND I'LL WRITE HIM
A NOTE.
RALPH, DO YOU
THINK JACK'S EVER
COMING OUT OF THE HOSPITAL?
OF COURSE.
YOU HEARD WHAT
SHIRLEE SAID.
I KNOW, BUT MY MAMA
WENT IN THE HOSPITAL
FOR AN OPERATION,
AND SHE NEVER CAME BACK.
( people screaming on TV )
WELL, JACK'S DIFFERENT.
HE'S A CLOWN.
IT'S DIFFERENT
WITH CLOWNS.
( gunfire on TV )
OH, NO.
ZOOKY,
JACK HASN'T LEFT YOU.
HE'S COMING BACK.
HE HAD TO GO
TO THE HOSPITAL
FOR A COUPLE OF WEEKS.
I THOUGHT
YOU UNDERSTOOD.
JACK HAS NOT LEFT YOU.
OKAY, COME ON.
YOU'RE GONNA SEE
FOR YOURSELF.
( whispering )
STAY CLOSE TO ME.
OKAY?
TV host:
Scrambled names
of very famous people, okay?
Shirlee: JACK.
HI, HONEY.
COME ON IN.
JUST IN TIME
TO SEE ME
LOSE A STARING MATCH
WITH THE LOVELY POTATOES.
UH, JACK, ZOOKY WAS AFRAID
YOU WEREN'T COMING BACK,
SO I BROUGHT HIM ALONG,
'CAUSE I THOUGHT
THE TWO OF YOU
OUGHT TO HAVE A TALK.
WELL, SHIRLEE, LOOK,
IF YOU--
IF YOU TAKE THIS AWAY,
PLEASE,
THEN WE'LL STRAIGHTEN
EVERYTHING OUT, HUH?
- ALL RIGHT.
- THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
ROLAND, WILL YOU EXCUSE US
FOR A FEW MINUTES?
HMM.
NOW, ZOOKY...
I'M VERY GLAD
THAT YOU CAME.
I KNOW THAT YOU'VE HAD
A TOUGH TIME.
I DIDN'T KNOW THAT IT WAS
GONNA UPSET YOU SO MUCH...
IF I CAME
TO THE HOSPITAL.
IF YOU THINK
I'D RATHER BE HERE
INSTEAD OF
BEING WITH YOU,
WHY, YOU'VE GOT
ANOTHER THINK COMING.
BUT I HAD TO DO IT.
AND I'LL BE HOME...
IN A COUPLE OF WEEKS.
AND THEN WE'LL--
EVERYTHING WILL BE
THE SAME, SEE,
AND YOU CAN HELP ME
WITH-- AHEM--
WITH THE BIRTHDAY PARTIES
AGAIN,
JUST LIKE YOU DID.
LOOK, I'M--
I'M GONNA
TELL YOU SOMETHING.
IT'LL BE
A SECRET, HUH?
I HAVEN'T EVEN
TOLD SHIRLEE THIS.
THIS OPERATION
I'M GONNA HAVE...
MAY NOT DO ANY GOOD.
AND I MAY NOT
BE WITH YOU
LIKE I WOULD
WANT TO BE.
I...
YOU KNOW...
WE'VE HAD
A LOT OF CHILDREN...
AT OUR HOUSE.
THEY'RE ALL
WONDERFUL CHILDREN,
BUT FUNNY THING IS,
I FEEL CLOSER TO YOU
THAN I DID
TO ANY OF THEM.
AND THEY WERE ALL
GOOD KIDS.
I FEEL LIKE
YOU ARE MY--
MY SON.
AT THE CIRCUS,
I WAS SO PROUD.
I WANTED TO YELL OUT,
TELL EVERYBODY, I'D SAY,
"HEY, HEY,
LOOK OVER HERE.
THIS IS ZOOKY."
"HE'S MY SON."
SO JUST REMEMBER,
NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS...
I LOVE YOU.
ZOOKY. ZOOKY!
ZOOKY, WHAT IS IT,
HONEY?
ROLAND?
HMM.
LISTEN, I GOT--
I GOT ANOTHER ONE
FOR YOU.
UH...
THERE'S THIS GUY
WHO LOSES EVERYTHING
HE'S GOT IN LIFE,
SO HE GOES UP
ON THE BRIDGE...
( coughs )
TO JUMP OFF
TO KILL HIMSELF.
AND HE'S JUST ABOUT
TO DO IT,
AND AN OLD HAG APPEARS.
I MEAN, A REAL OLD HAG.
AND SHE SAYS,
"SONNY, DON'T DO THAT.
I'LL GIVE YOU
THREE WISHES
IF YOU DON'T DO IT."
AND HE SAYS,
"THAT'S PRETTY GOOD."
SO HE SAYS,
"MY FIRST WISH IS
THAT I COULD GET
ALL THE MONEY
THAT I'VE LOST IN LIFE
BACK."
SHE SAYS,
"YOUR WISH IS GRANTED.
"YOU CALL THE BANK,
AND YOU'LL FIND
THAT IT'S BEEN
REDEPOSITED FOR YOU."
WELL...
HE STARTS TO FEEL BETTER,
SHE SAYS, "SECOND WISH?"
HE SAYS, "WELL,
I'D LIKE TO HAVE MY WIFE
AND MY FAMILY BACK."
SHE SAYS, "GO HOME.
"GO ON HOME.
YOUR WIFE WILL MEET YOU,
AND YOUR CHILDREN
WILL MEET YOU."
AND SO HE'S FEELING
BETTER ALL THE TIME--
BETTER AND BETTER.
SHE SAYS,
"THE THIRD WISH?"
HE SAYS, "THE THIRD WISH--
I'D LIKE TO GET
MY OLD JOB BACK."
SHE SAYS, "WELL,
THE MINUTE THAT YOU GET HOME,
THE PHONE'S GONNA RING,
AND THEY'RE GONNA BEG YOU
TO COME BACK."
HE SAYS TO HER,
"WELL, YOU'VE DONE
SUCH A WONDERFUL THING FOR ME.
IF THERE'S SOMETHING
I CAN DO FOR YOU--
IS THERE ANYTHING I CAN
DO FOR YOU?"
SHE SAYS, "SONNY,
"I'VE BEEN A WITCH
FOR 300 YEARS,
"AND IN ALL THAT TIME,
I AIN'T EVER
BEEN KISSED."
SO HE STARTS TO KISS HER
AND HE FINDS OUT,
UGH...
SHE'S THE UGLIEST WOMAN
HE'S EVER SEEN--
I MEAN, REALLY, REALLY
UGLY, ROLAND.
BUT FOR WHAT SHE'S DONE,
HE MUSTERS UP ALL
OF HIS STRENGTH,
TAKES HER IN HIS ARMS,
AND HE GIVES HER
A REAL SMACKO
RIGHT ON THE LIPS.
AND SHE'S
SMILING UP AT HIM
AND SHE SAYS,
"HOW OLD ARE YOU, SONNY?"
HE SAID, "38."
SHE SAID,
"AIN'T YOU KIND OF OLD
TO BE BELIEVING
IN WITCHES?"
( Roland coughing )
( Roland laughing )
( laughing continues)
THANKS.
I DON'T WANT
TO GO THROUGH WITH THIS.
Shirlee: I KNOW.
( coughing )
I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU
THIS NERVOUS
SINCE YOU AUDITIONED
FOR BARNUM & BAILEY.
- BARNUM & BAILEY.
- THAT WAS A LONG TIME AGO.
I WAS TERRIFIED AT THAT.
WE'D BEEN MARRIED
JUST A YEAR.
IF I'D HAVE KNOWN THAT...
I WAS GONNA BE A CLOWN
THAT WASN'T GONNA
AMOUNT TO VERY MUCH...
I MIGHT HAVE CHOSEN
ANOTHER BUSINESS.
- OH...
- NO, I MEAN IT.
NO, DON'T SAY THAT.
AND THERE I GO, BRINGING HOME
EVERY BOY OR GIRL,
EVERY KID OFF THE STREET.
YEAH.
YOU KNOW, JACK,
WHEN I WAS A LITTLE GIRL,
AND I LIVED IN MY
GRANDMOTHER'S HOUSE,
I WAS LONELY.
I HAD NO BROTHERS OR SISTERS.
I HAD A LOT OF DOLLS,
BUT I USED TO DREAM
ABOUT HAVING A LOT OF KIDS
WHEN I GREW UP.
WELL, AFTER WE HAD JOELLA
AND...
...WE FOUND OUT WE COULDN'T
HAVE ANY MORE KIDS,
I WAS TERRIFIED
THAT SHE WAS GONNA GROW UP
AS AN ONLY CHILD,
AND THEN YOU...
WHEN SHE WAS
JUST A LITTLE BABY--
YOU CAME HOME WITH THAT
LITTLE RAGAMUFFIN.
- LOUIE.
I BROUGHT HOME LOUIE.
- LOUIE.
OH, LOUIE,
PINCH-FACED LOUIE.
I LOVED YOU SO MUCH.
COME HERE A MINUTE.
MR. THUM,
ROLL OVER ON YOUR
RIGHT SIDE, PLEASE,
AND PULL UP YOUR GOWN.
FOR A MINUTE I FORGOT.
YOU KNOW, FOR A GUY WHO MADE
HIS LIVING ALL HIS LIFE
BY DROPPING HIS DRAWERS,
I DON'T KNOW WHY THIS
SHOULD BE EMBARRASSING.
( chuckles )
I'M GLAD I DIDN'T
MISS THE SHOW.
THEY'LL BE UP TO GET YOU
IN A FEW MINUTES.
YOU'LL BE PRETTY DROWSY
BY THEN.
ALL RIGHT.
- HIYA, SWEETHEART.
- HI, JEETER.
YOUR TIMING
IS INCREDIBLE.
PASTRAMI.
HEAVY MUSTARD,
LIKE YOU ASKED FOR.
OH, THERE'S NO SMELL
LIKE IT.
THANK YOU. I'LL PUT IT
BY MY PILLOW HERE.
THIS PLACE COULD USE
A LITTLE ATMOSPHERE.
- HOW ARE YOU DOING?
- FINE. FINE.
YOU'LL NEVER GUESS
WHO CAME IN LAST NIGHT.
- WHO?
- SMILEY.
SMILEY?
NO KIDDING?
HE WAS SORRY TO HEAR
YOU WERE SICK.
WHY'D YOU HAVE TO GO
AND OPEN YOUR MOUTH
AND TELL HIM
THAT I WAS SICK?
CAN'T YOU KEEP YOUR
MOUTH SHUT?
HE'S A FRIEND.
HE ONLY WANTED TO HELP.
- COME ON.
- HE WANTED TO KNOW
HOW YOU GUYS WERE FIXED.
WE DON'T NEED
ANY MONEY.
TAKE IT EASY.
OKAY, OKAY.
HE DIDN'T MEAN
ANYTHING BY IT.
HIYA, FELLOWS.
I'M SORRY, JACK.
OH...
IT'S ALL RIGHT,
JEETER.
YOU JUST...
TAKE LIFE TOO SERIOUSLY,
THAT'S ALL.
HONEY, HONEY,
I'LL BE HERE
WHEN YOU GET BACK.
YOU'D BETTER BE.
I'LL TRY NOT TO TAKE IT
SO SERIOUSLY.
IT'S A DOG-AND-PONY SHOW.
( grunts )
HI.
- ( moaning weakly )
- NO.
DON'T TRY TO TALK,
HONEY.
THEY HAD A TUBE
DOWN YOUR THROAT
FOR A LONG TIME.
THE THROAT IS SWOLLEN.
IF YOU TRY TO TALK,
IT'LL HURT.
THEY LEFT A PAD
AND A PENCIL,
SO IF THERE'S
ANYTHING YOU WANT TO SAY,
WRITE IT DOWN.
HERE, SWEETHEART.
DR. ABRAHMS WILL BE BY
TO EXPLAIN
THE OPERATION TO YOU.
I DON'T KNOW
ALL THE DETAILS.
YES, YES, JACK.
THEY TOOK A LOT OF
THE CANCEROUS TISSUE OUT.
- ( moaning )
- NO, HERE.
NO, HONEY, NOT ALL.
ARE YOU IN PAIN?
DO YOU WANT ME
TO GET THE NURSE?
WHAT?
JACK, I DON'T UNDERSTAND.
I DON'T UNDERSTAND.
WRITE IT.
- ( grunts )
- JACK.
NURSE! DOCTOR!
JACK, PLEASE.
DR. ABRAHMS IS HERE.
- WHOA. OKAY,
PUT THAT BACK IN.
- JACK.
- COME ON, JACK.
- COME ON NOW.
- HELP THE DOCTOR,
PLEASE, JACK.
- STOP IT.
YOU'LL TEAR OUT
YOUR STITCHES.
I'LL HELP.
GIVE ME 10mg
OF VALIUM, STAT.
ALL RIGHT, JACK.
PLEASE, JACK.
ALL RIGHT, STOP, STOP.
EASY, EASY.
JACK, CALM DOWN. YOU'RE ONLY
CAUSING YOURSELF PAIN.
- ALL RIGHT.
- JACK.
PLEASE, JACK.
PLEASE, JACK.
OKAY.
- ( grunting )
- EASY.
JACK, PLEASE.
OKAY.
ALL RIGHT, NOW BREATHE.
JUST BREATHE AND
RELAX.
BREATHE AND RELAX.
BREATHE, RELAX.
UM...
YOU CAN GO, NURSE.
ALL RIGHT,
I'M GONNA TELL YOU
STRAIGHT, JACK.
YOU KNEW GOING IN
THAT THE ODDS WEREN'T
THE BEST.
UH, WE--
WE COULDN'T GET IT ALL.
THE MALIGNANCY
HAD SPREAD TOO FAR.
I'M SORRY.
YOU SHOULD HAVE SIX MONTHS,
MAYBE A YEAR.
WHAT I NEED
FROM YOU NOW IS...
I NEED FOR YOU
TO SLEEP.
I'LL BE BY TO SEE YOU
LATER THIS AFTERNOON.
( quietly )
OKAY.
OKAY.
OKAY.
( exhales )
SHIRL...
( inaudible )
( applause on TV)
He's off to a good start.
Madeleine. Here you go...
( knocks on door )
- HI.
- HI.
THEY TELL ME YOU'RE ON
THE HARD STUFF,
SO I BROUGHT YOU
A PASTRAMI SANDWICH.
- JEETER SENT IT.
- THANK YOU.
I KNOW
YOU NEVER GOT A CHANCE
TO EAT THE OTHER ONE.
I BROUGHT YOU
CLEAN PAJAMAS, TOO.
THANK YOU.
AND HOW ARE YOU FEELING?
FINE.
GOOD.
THE DOCTOR SAYS
THAT YOU'LL BE COMING
HOME ON FRIDAY.
HE TOLD ME THAT, TOO.
HI, ROLAND.
HMM.
IT'LL BE HALLOWEEN.
THE KIDS ARE ALL EXCITED
'CAUSE YOU'LL
GET TO SEE THEM
IN THEIR COSTUMES.
JACK, YOU SEEM
SO FAR AWAY.
I DON'T KNOW
WHAT TO SAY TO YOU.
SHIRL, I'VE JUST...
BEEN LYING HERE
THINKING ABOUT MY LIFE.
IT'S ALL SO POINTLESS.
WHAT IS?
THE OPERATION.
GOING HOME.
I'VE BEEN SO BUSY
FOR THE PAST 50 YEARS
TRYING TO WORK...
I DIDN'T EVEN LOOK TO SEE
THAT IT WAS--
THE WHOLE THING
WAS POINTLESS.
- ( moans )
- OH, NOW LISTEN TO ME.
LISTEN TO ME.
EVERYTHING
THAT YOU HAVE DONE
HAS BEEN WORTHWHILE.
YOU KNOW, YOU ALWAYS SAID
THAT PEOPLE DIDN'T
LAUGH ENOUGH.
WELL, YOU'VE MADE
THOUSANDS OF PEOPLE LAUGH,
MILLIONS.
SHIRL, LYING HERE,
I'VE BEEN THINKING A LOT
ABOUT MY LIFE--
THE THINGS I SHOULD HAVE DONE
THAT I DIDN'T DO,
THE THINGS THAT I DID
THAT I DIDN'T MEAN TO DO.
MOST OF ALL...
THE THINGS-- THE CHOICES
THAT I MADE FOR YOU.
I NEVER THOUGHT ABOUT
THERE MIGHT BE A DAY
WHEN I WOULDN'T BE THERE
TO HELP YOU, YOU KNOW?
JACK, STOP IT.
NOW JUST STOP IT.
( sighs )
YOU'RE NOT GOING ANYWHERE.
YOU'RE GONNA BE AROUND
FOR A LONG TIME.
I DID ONE THING THAT...
THAT COULDN'T BE
ANY BETTER.
WHAT WAS THAT?
I MARRIED YOU.
WELL...
I DIDN'T DO TOO BADLY
IN THAT, EITHER, DID I?
I LOVE YOU, LADY.
I LOVE YOU, TOO.
ARE YOU AS TIRED
AS YOU LOOK?
IT'S NOT TIREDNESS,
IT'S HELPLESSNESS.
- MUST BE CATCHING.
- YEAH.
I'VE NEVER
SEEN HIM SO LOW.
IT'S AS IF HIS WHOLE LIFE
DIDN'T MAKE ANY DIFFERENCE.
THAT'S RIDICULOUS.
I KNOW.
I TRIED TO TELL HIM,
BUT HE DOESN'T HEAR ME.
AFTER ALL THE KIDS
YOU GUYS HAVE RAISED?
BUT WHERE ARE THEY?
THEY SHOULD AT LEAST
CALL HIM SO HE KNOWS
THAT THEY HAVEN'T
FORGOTTEN HIM.
I'LL TALK TO JACK.
NO.
HE NEEDS TO HEAR FROM THEM.
THAT'S IT!
I'M GONNA CALL THE KIDS.
WHAT AN IDEA!
WE'LL GIVE JACK ONE HELL
OF A PARTY WHEN HE GETS OUT.
DO YOU KNOW
WHERE ALL THE KIDS ARE?
MOST OF THEM.
JOELLA IS IN DENVER
WITH THE TWO GRANDKIDS.
THE OTHERS-- I'VE GOT
MOST OF THEIR NUMBERS.
THEY'RE ALL OVER
THE COUNTRY.
- WILL YOU HELP ME?
- NAME IT.
OKAY, YOU TAKE HALF.
THEY ALL KNOW YOU.
GIVE ME THAT
CUP OF CHANGE THERE.
THIS WILL COVER
SOME OF YOUR CALLS.
YOU TAKE THE PHONE
ON THE WALL.
Jack:
BEFORE I GO, I THINK
I OWE YOU ONE MORE STORY.
THERE WAS THIS GUY
WHO WENT FISHING
OUT ON THE LAKE,
AND HE TOOK A BIG
BOTTLE OF WHISKEY WITH HIM.
AND HE STARTED TO FISH,
AND HE DIDN'T GET A BITE
ALL DAY LONG.
BY 4:00-- AND HE KEPT
NIPPING AT THE BOTTLE
AND FISHING AND NIPPING.
BY 4:00, HE WAS
PRETTY SMASHED,
AND WITH NO BITES,
HE DECIDED TO ROW IN.
SO HE GOT IN JUST ABOUT
10 FEET FROM THE PIER,
AND A 30-LB BASS
JUMPED RIGHT INTO HIS BOAT,
RIGHT OUT OF THE WATER
INTO THE BOAT-- BANG!
AND HE LIFTED UP THE FISH
AND HE SAYS,
"NO, NO, BUDDY,
IF YOU DON'T BITE,
YOU DON'T RIDE."
AND HE THREW HIM BACK IN.
( chuckles )
HEY...
ARE YOU MAD
'CAUSE I'M LEAVING?
- HMM?
- HMM.
BECAUSE I'M GOING HOME.
LUCKY BASTARD.
- WHAT?
- I SAID YOU'RE
A LUCKY BASTARD.
YEAH, I'M LUCKY.
I'M DYING.
- WHO ISN'T?
- LOOK AT HIM--
NOW THAT I'M LEAVING,
HE'S STARTING TO TALK TO ME.
WELL, SOMEBODY HAS TO.
- WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
- YOU'RE WASTING IT.
FORGET IT.
YOU REALLY
DON'T GET IT, DO YOU?
EVERYBODY'S GONNA DIE,
ONLY YOU,
YOU'RE GOING HOME.
YEAH, I'M--
I'M GOING HOME.
BUT FOR HOW LONG?
- A COUPLE OF MONTHS?
- A LIFETIME!
ROLAND,
THIS CONVERSATION
ISN'T DOING ME ANY GOOD.
THAT'S BECAUSE YOU
DON'T LISTEN TO ANYTHING
BUT YOUR OWN WHINING.
WHAT HAPPENED
TO THE OLD ROLAND I KNEW,
THE ONE THAT LAUGHED
A COUPLE OF TIMES
AT MY STORIES,
BUT MOST OF ALL
HE JUST SAT THERE
AND GRUNTED?
WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?
HMM.
THAT'S MORE LIKE IT.
Shirlee:
JACK IS COMING HOME TODAY.
IT'S HALLOWEEN.
UM...
RALPH AND ALICE ARE GOING
TRICK-OR-TREATING,
AND I THOUGHT MAYBE THAT
YOU'D LIKE TO DRESS UP
AND GO WITH THEM, HUH?
ZOOKY,
WOULDN'T YOU LIKE THAT?
HUH?
OH, I HAVE A WONDERFUL
COSTUME FOR YOU.
YOU COULD PUT ON
SOME OF JACK'S MAKEUP!
OOH, YOU'D BE WONDERFUL!
WHAT DO YOU SAY?
ZOOKY. HMM?
ALL RIGHT, WELL...
HERE.
IF YOU CHANGE YOUR MIND,
WILL YOU LET ME KNOW, HUH?
OKAY.
HEY, LADY, YOU GOT
A SPARE ROOM FOR THE NIGHT?
JEFF?
( laughing )
- OH, MY GOD.
- HI, MOM.
OH, I DIDN'T
RECOGNIZE YOU
WITH THE BEARD.
OH, MY--
HOW DID YOU GET HERE?
- I HITCHED.
- FROM CALIFORNIA?
- YEAH.
- OH, YOU DEVIL.
OH, YOU'RE COLD.
COME ON.
ALL THE KIDS
ARE HERE, ALL OF THEM--
ALMOST ALL OF THEM, ANYWAY.
YOU KNOW THAT AMY CAME,
AND THE BABY?
YEAH, YEAH.
ROLAND,
BEFORE I GO, I WANT TO SAY
I DIDN'T MEAN IT--
YOU KNOW,
ABOUT ALL YOUR GRUNTING.
HMM.
LOOK, I'VE ONLY GOT
A FEW MINUTES.
TALK TO ME.
WHAT'S THERE TO TALK ABOUT?
THAT'S BETTER.
HOW MANY TIMES
YOU HAD VISITORS HERE?
OH...
FOUR, SOMETIMES
FIVE A DAY.
WHY?
ONE DAY YOU HAD 10.
SO?
I'VE BEEN HERE SIX WEEKS.
NOT ONE VISITOR.
ONLY ONE PHONE CALL,
FROM MY MEDICAL INSURANCE.
AND I GOTTA LISTEN TO YOU
TELLING ME
HOW YOUR LIFE IS OVER?
I'LL PROBABLY NEVER LIVE
TO SEE ANYTHING
BUT THIS ROOM
AND THE TOILET.
AND WHEN YOU GO,
THEY'LL GET
SOME OTHER OLD MAN IN HERE,
JUST LIKE ME.
YOU KNOW HOW LONG IT'S BEEN
SINCE ANYBODY
TOLD ME A JOKE?
ROLAND...
I'LL, UH...
I'LL BE BACK
AND VISIT YOU, HUH?
HMM.
YOU'LL BE HOME FIVE MINUTES
WITH YOUR FAMILY,
AND YOU'LL FORGET
I EVEN EXISTED.
OH, COME ON.
NO.
YOU JUST WAIT.
I'LL BE BACK.
DON'T WAIT TOO LONG.
YOU'LL COME IN
TO FIND MY CHART GONE
AND THE SHEETS STARCHED.
ROLAND...
I'M GLAD WE WERE
BUNKMATES.
( knocks on door )
HEY, ROLAND,
I'M BACK AGAIN, HUH?
- COME ON, COME ON.
- WHAT ARE YOU DOING
WITH THAT THING?
IT MAY NOT BE THE GREATEST
DATE IN THE WORLD,
BUT IT'S BETTER
THAN ANOTHER TRIP
TO THE TOILET. COME ON.
COME ON OUT OF THERE.
WHERE'S YOUR
SPIRIT OF ADVENTURE?
WE'RE GONNA ESCAPE
OVER THE WALL,
DOWN TO THE FARMHOUSE,
WATCHING THE FRENCH GIRLS,
UP TO THE PYRENEES,
OVER THE ALPS, COME ON.
- BUT--
- YOU GOT ME WANTING
TO FEEL ALIVE AGAIN.
I DON'T WANNA
WASTE A MINUTE OF IT.
COME ON, COME ON.
OUT, COME ON.
MY FRIEND...
- WAIT A MINUTE.
- ...THE TRAIN'S LEAVING.
- GET YOUR ARMS BACK THERE.
- I DON'T KNOW WHAT
YOU'RE SAYING.
MAYBE THE BEST OFFER
YOU'VE HAD ALL DAY.
( laughs )
- ARE YOU CRAZY, JACK?
- YES, I'M CRAZY.
ALL RIGHT, WHERE TO?
MEN'S CLOTHES?
TOY DEPARTMENT?
LADIES' LINGERIE?
ANYPLACE BUT THE MORGUE.
HERE NOW.
ISN'T THIS A BETTER VIEW
THAN THE ONE YOU GET
FROM YOUR BED?
HMM.
- YOU WARM ENOUGH?
- HMM.
OKAY, MR. T,
YOUR TAXI'S READY.
JACK?
JACK?
12 FLOORS STRAIGHT DOWN.
I WONDER WHAT IT'S LIKE
TO DIE.
I'M NOT DEAD YET.
YOU MUST HAVE THOUGHT
ABOUT IT SOMETIME.
I SUPPOSE IT ISN'T MUCH
LIKE ANYTHING THAT'S
HAPPENED SO FAR.
( chuckles )
HEY! HEY, THERE'S SHIRL
DOWN THERE.
HEY, SHIRL!
SHIRLEE!
SHE CAN'T HEAR ME.
SHE'S PROBABLY WONDERING
WHERE I DISAPPEARED TO.
12 STORIES.
IT'S FURTHER DOWN
THAN I THOUGHT.
WHERE'S JACK?
I DON'T KNOW.
I THOUGHT HE WAS HERE.
- WHAT HAPPENED?
- I WENT TO HIS ROOM,
AND HE WAS GONE.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
DID HE CHECK OUT?
NO, HE JUST WALKED OUT.
NOBODY SAW HIM.
DID YOU LOOK
IN THE CHILDREN'S WARD?
I LOOKED EVERYWHERE.
HE'S GONE.
MAMA, ISN'T JACK
COMING HOME?
I DON'T KNOW, SWEETHEART.
I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING.
COME ON, YOU GUYS.
Jeff:
YOU BE THE LOOKOUT
THIS TIME, OKAY?
ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?
I'M SCARED.
WHAT ARE YOU THINKING?
WHEN WE FOUND OUT
JACK WAS SICK,
I-- I FOUND HIM
LOOKING THROUGH HIS
INSURANCE PAPERS.
WELL, TO PAY
FOR THE HOSPITAL BILLS.
THE ONLY THING
THAT POLICY IS GOOD FOR
IS ACCIDENTAL DEATH.
SHIRL, JACK WOULDN'T DO
ANYTHING LIKE THAT.
SUPPOSE I CAN THINK
OF A WAY
OF SAVING MY FAMILY
THE AGONY
OF WATCHING ME GO
BIT BY BIT.
THEY'D END UP--
END UP WITH 50 GRAND.
YOU'VE GOT A FAST
AND PROFITABLE WAY TO DIE?
WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE?
A COUPLE OF MONTHS
THIS WAY OR THAT WAY,
IT REALLY DOESN'T MATTER.
IF I HAD A CHOICE
FOR DYING TONIGHT
OR NEXT VALENTINE'S DAY,
I'D GO FOR FEBRUARY 14th.
THAT'S THE FUNNY THING
ABOUT LIVING:
YOU NEVER KNOW
IF THE NEXT HOUR
MIGHT BE THE BEST ONE
OF YOUR LIFE.
IT'S ADDICTIVE,
LIKE EATING PEANUTS.
IT'S GETTING COLDER.
HOW ABOUT
A LITTLE ENTERTAINMENT?
( singing
"Thunder and Blazes" )
( gasping )
ROLAND!
ROLAND.
ROLAND, LISTEN,
WHAT'S THE MATTER?
I'LL GET YOU DOWNSTAIRS.
NURSE, PLEASE,
CAN YOU HELP ME?
ROLAND, YOU'RE GONNA BE
ALL RIGHT NOW.
WAIT A MINUTE.
BUDDY, LISTEN TO ME.
YOU'RE GONNA BE ALL RIGHT.
- WHERE HAVE YOU TWO BEEN?
- MISS, NEVER MIND ABOUT
WHERE WE'VE BEEN.
JUST HELP HIM.
HELP HIM.
- STAY WITH HIM.
I'LL GET THE DOCTOR.
- THANK YOU.
LOOK, DON'T DIE.
DON'T DIE, ROLAND.
DON'T DIE.
WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE--
A COUPLE OF MONTHS
MORE OR LESS?
I DIDN'T KNOW
WHAT I WAS DOING.
I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT
I WAS SAYING.
- DOCTOR.
- YES, JACK.
- DOCTOR, IS HE--?
- UH-HUH.
OKAY, ALL RIGHT.
HOLD IT, HOLD IT.
HE'S NOT--?
DOCTOR, HE ISN'T GONNA...
- DIE?
- YEAH.
EVENTUALLY, BUT NOT
IN THE NEAR FUTURE.
ROLAND, YOU'RE GONNA
BE ALL RIGHT.
DID YOU HEAR THAT?
YOU'RE GONNA BE
ALL RIGHT.
HMM.
DO ME A FAVOR.
SURE. ANYTHING,
BUDDY. WHAT?
GO HOME TO YOUR FAMILY.
I NEED TO REST.
YEAH, I'LL GO RIGHT NOW.
I'LL BE BACK TOMORROW.
TAKE GOOD CARE OF HIM,
WILL YOU, DOC? THANKS.
( exhales )
- ( grunting )
- HERE WE GO.
NURSE.
DID YOU HEAR THE ONE
ABOUT THE VERMONT FARMER
AND THE GUY
ON A MOTORCYCLE?
THIS'LL KILL YOU.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
WAITING FOR YOU.
SURPRISE!
( applauding,
cheering )
DONNA. DONNA.
HEY, STEVIE.
HEY, BUDDY.
HEY, BUDDY.
HEY, STU.
HEY.
HEY, JEETER.
HEY, IT'S GOOD TO SEE YOU.
DON'T TAKE LIFE SERIOUSLY,
BABY, RIGHT?
HEY, HEY, CALLIE.
HOW ARE YOU, CALLIE?
HEY, TONY, HEY.
HELLO, FREDDY.
HELLO, BOY.
HEY, JEFF.
HI, SON.
- HOW ARE YOU?
- GOOD.
( playing intro )
Children:
♪ WEAR A SMILE ♪
♪ WHEN YOUR FACE ♪
♪ ISN'T FEELING GOOD ♪
♪ WEAR A SMILE ♪
♪ AND YOU'LL FEEL ♪
♪ LIKE YOU THINK
YOU SHOULD ♪
♪ WHEN YOU SMILE ♪
♪ ALL THE WORLD ♪
♪ SEEMS TO SMILE AT YOU ♪
♪ AND YOUR LIFE ♪
♪ GOES THE WAY ♪
♪ THAT YOU WANT IT TO ♪
♪ IT'S PART
OF THE CLOTHES YOU WEAR ♪
♪ AFTER YOU COMB
YOUR HAIR ♪
♪ PUT ON YOUR SHOES ♪
♪ AND YOUR SMILE ♪
♪ I'M SO GLAD ♪
♪ THAT I'M HERE ♪
♪ AND CAN STAY AWHILE ♪
♪ THERE'S NO NEED ♪
♪ TO APPLAUD ♪
♪ JUST SIT UP
AND SMILE ♪
♪ WHEN TROUBLE LOOKS
DOWN ON YOU ♪
♪ PUSHES A FROWN ON YOU ♪
♪ LIGHT UP THE WORLD ♪
♪ WITH YOUR SMILE ♪
♪ I'M SO GLAD ♪
♪ THAT I'M HERE ♪
♪ AND CAN STAY A WHILE ♪
♪ THERE'S NO NEED ♪
♪ TO APPLAUD ♪
♪ JUST SIT UP AND SMILE ♪
♪ WEAR A SMILE ♪
♪ WHEN YOUR FACE ♪
♪ ISN'T FEELING GOOD ♪
♪ WEAR A SMILE ♪
♪ AND YOU'LL FEEL ♪
♪ LIKE YOU THINK YOU SHOULD ♪
♪ WHEN YOU SMILE ♪
♪ ALL THE WORLD ♪
♪ SEEMS TO SMILE AT YOU ♪
♪ AND YOUR LIFE ♪
♪ GOES THE WAY ♪
♪ THAT YOU WANT IT TO ♪
♪ IT'S PART
OF THE CLOTHES YOU WEAR ♪
♪ AFTER YOU COMB
YOUR HAIR... ♪
( children cheering )
( laughing )
( cheering )
Children:
BIGGER! BIGGER!
BIGGER!
( coughing, wheezing )
Doctor: KIDS,
SOME OF YOU MAY NOT KNOW
JACK THUM'S SONG.
IT'S A VERY SIMPLE SONG,
AND JUST PAY ATTENTION.
WHEN JACK THUM
POINTS TO YOU,
- YOU YELL, "SMILE!"
- ( song playing on stereo )
- ♪ Wear a smile... ♪
- Children: SMILE!
♪ When your face ♪
♪ Isn't feeling good ♪
- ♪ Wear a smile... ♪
- SMILE!
♪ And you'll feel ♪
♪ Like you think
you should ♪
- ♪ When you smile... ♪
- SMILE!
♪ All the world ♪
- ♪ Seems to smile
at you... ♪
- SMILE!
♪ And your life ♪
♪ Goes the way ♪
♪ That you want it to ♪
♪ It's part
of the clothes you wear ♪
♪ After you comb
your hair ♪
♪ Put on your shoes ♪
- ♪ And your smile... ♪
- SMILE!
♪ I'm so glad ♪
♪ That I'm here ♪
♪ And can stay awhile ♪
♪ There's no need ♪
♪ To applaud ♪
♪ Just sit up ♪
♪ And smile ♪
SMILE!
YOU KNOW, YOU'RE NOT TAKING
ADVANTAGE OF OUR DEAL:
FREE SHOWS,
FREE CHECKUPS.
WHAT DO YOU SAY?
ARE YOU GONNA CALL ME
FOR AN APPOINTMENT, JACK?
JACK, ARE YOU GONNA CA--?
OH, BOY.
( coughing )
( coughing )
DO YOU MIND IF I SIT DOWN
HERE BESIDE YOU FOR A WHILE?
HEY, DID YOU HEAR
THE ONE WITH THE GUY
ON A MOTORCYCLE
THAT MEETS THE FARMER
IN VERMONT?
HE COMES UP
TO THE FARMER,
HE'S GOING DOWN THIS ROAD
ON A MOTORCYCLE--
VROOM, VROOM, VROOM!
ALL OF A SUDDEN, HE CAN SEE
A BIG PUDDLE OF WATER
IN THE MIDDLE
OF THIS DIRT ROAD,
SO HE ASKS THE FARMER,
HE GETS OFF THE BIKE,
HE SAYS, "HEY, MR. FARMER,
HOW DEEP IS THIS PUDDLE?"
THE FARMER SAYS,
"OH, IT AIN'T DEEP
AT ALL, SON."
HE SAYS, "THANKS."
SO HE GETS ON
THE MOTORCYCLE--
VROOM-- STARTS IT--
POW! VROOM!
GETS IN AND BANG!
HE GOES RIGHT
DOWN TO THE BOTTOM
OF THIS MUD HOLE.
BANG-- UP TO THE TOP
OF HIS HEAD.
GETS OUT OF THE MUD HOLE.
HE'S GOT MUD ALL OVER
THE BIKE.
HIS CLOTHES
ARE DRIPPING WET,
AND HE HOLLERS OVER
TO THE FARMER,
"HEY, I THOUGHT YOU SAID
IT WASN'T DEEP!"
THE FARMER YELLS BACK,
"ONLY CAME UP TO HERE
ON THE DUCKS."
( grunts )
WELL, I'LL KEEP TRYING.
- ( funk music playing )
- ( gunfire on TV )
HEY!
HEY, LET'S CUT
THE RACKET HERE!
- ( turns off music )
- ( baby crying )
THANKS A LOT.
I JUST GOT HER TO SLEEP.
( funk music playing )
CAN YOU TELL ME
HOW A CHILD CAN SLEEP
WITH THAT RACKET GOING ON?
HER MOTHER WAS 15.
I GUESS IT REMINDS HER
OF THE WOMB.
CAN YOU GET OUT
OF MY WAY?
WELL, I'LL TELL YOU
ONE THING:
THAT CHILD'S GONNA
GROW UP DEAF.
- WHAT'S THE MATTER?
- NOTHING, NOTHING.
THE BALLOONS
DIDN'T WORK TODAY.
WHEN ARE YOU GONNA FIND--
DR. ABRAHMS SAID
YOU WERE WONDERFUL.
WHEN DID YOU TALK
TO THE DOC?
WELL, HE CALLED TO SAY
THAT YOU HAVE
AN 11:00 APPOINTMENT
TOMORROW MORNING.
WHAT'S THAT ALL ABOUT?
NOTHING. YOU KNOW
THOSE DOCTORS-- THEY TRY
TO DRUM UP NEW TRADE.
THERE'S NOTHING WRONG
WITH ME. LISTEN...
YOU KNOW
WHAT I'VE DISCOVERED?
THE FACT THAT IN THE END
OF THE ACT INSTEAD OF
USING YOUR BASIC--
- YEAH.
- BASIC RABBIT,
I'M GONNA USE A CHICKEN.
- WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THAT?
- I THINK YOU OUGHTA GO IN--
- WHAT HAVE YOU
GOT FOR DINNER?
- WANT SOME SEAFOOD, MAMA?
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN
THE ANDREWS SISTERS.
YEAH, IF I COULD SING
AND I WASN'T AN ONLY CHILD.
OH, THE LENGTHS
YOU WILL GO TO
NOT TO WATCH MY ACT.
YES.
( laughs )
( chuckles )
♪ FOODLEY-YAKI-SAKI,
WANT SOME SEAFOOD, MAMA? ♪
HEY, LOOK, SON,
I KNOW THAT YOUR DAD SAID
HE WAS COMING BACK
TO GET YOU-- AND HE IS.
HE IS, HE'S GONNA
COME BACK,
BUT IT'S BEEN
OVER A WEEK NOW--
OVER A WEEK, ZOOKY.
AND I HAVE A FEELING
HE'S NOT GONNA
COME BACK TODAY.
HUH?
WHY DON'T YOU COME IN
AND HAVE SOMETHING TO EAT?
IF YOU DON'T COME IN,
SHE'S GONNA BE AWFULLY
DISAPPOINTED.
HEY, IF YOU COME ON IN
AND EAT, I PROMISE
I WON'T TELL
ANY JOKES, HUH?
YOU'RE GONNA MISS
SOME GOOD FOOD.
NOTHING UP MY SLEEVE,
OKAY?
NOW I HAVE A LITTLE
COMPARTMENT IN THE HAT
FOR A CHICKEN.
- A LIVE CHICKEN?
- NO, FRIED CHICKEN.
- ( giggling )
- OF COURSE,
A LIVE CHICKEN.
PUT IT ON THE HEAD,
OFF WITH THE HAT,
THE CHICKEN'S THERE,
LAYS AN EGG ON MY HEAD.
WHAT DO YOU THINK?
- WHAT IS THAT?
- NEEDS WORK, JACK.
WELL, EVERYTHING NEEDS WORK.
IT'S JUST AN IDEA,
BUT OKAY, WHAT DO YOU
THINK OF IT, HUH?
HAS POTENTIAL.
YEAH, IT HAS POTENTIAL.
I THOUGHT IT WAS
VERY FUNNY, JACK.
DON'T STRAIN YOURSELF LAUGHING.
NEXT TIME I GET SOME CHILDREN,
I'M GONNA HOLD AN AUDITION--
FOR LAUGHERS ONLY.
- WHAT HAPPENS
IF THE CHICKEN FLIES AWAY?
- HE'S NOT GONNA FLY ANYWHERE.
I'M GONNA PUT A LEAD
IN HIS SOCKS RIGHT HERE,
SO HE'LL STAY.
WHAT IF THE CHICKEN
GETS NERVOUS AND DO-DOS
RIGHT IN YOUR HAIR?
YOU THINK THAT'S FUNNY?
ALL RIGHT,
I'LL TRAIN THE CHICKEN
TO DO-DO IN MY HAIR.
YOU KNOW, YOU CAN'T PLEASE
THE KIDS TODAY.
YOU JUST CAN'T DO IT.
THEY'VE SEEN IT ALL.
TELEVISION,
HONEY, TELEVISION--
THAT'S WHAT'S
RUINED IT ALL.
SURE, BIG BIRD--
HE STOLE ALL MY STUFF.
I WAS DOING A BIRTHDAY PARTY
THE OTHER DAY,
I WAS DOING MY, YOU KNOW,
THE THING WHERE I DISAPPEAR.
A LITTLE KID SAYS TO ME,
"OH, I KNOW
HOW YOU DO THAT--
SPECIAL EFFECTS."
WELL, ALL I CAN SAY IS...
THANK GOODNESS SOMEBODY HASN'T
LOST HER SENSE OF HUMOR.
OH, LISTEN, JACK,
I THINK YOU'RE LUCKY
TO HAVE SUCH SMART KIDS.
- I AM?
- YEAH.
IT MAKES YOU WORK
A LITTLE HARDER
AND KEEPS YOU
ON YOUR TOES.
YEAH.
I WAS THINKING,
MAYBE THE REASON
THAT THE CHILDREN
DON'T LAUGH ANYMORE--
MAYBE, JUST MAYBE,
I'M NOT FUNNY ANYMORE.
HMM?
EVER THINK OF THAT?
WELL...
YOU ARE.
YOU'RE THE FUNNIEST MAN
I EVER MET.
- I AM?
- YEAH.
THERE'S ONE THING
I DO KNOW, HONEY.
WHAT?
I HAVE NEVER MET A LAD
WHO DOESN'T ENJOY ONE OF MY
PEANUT BUTTER BONANZAS.
TELEGRAM FOR MR. ZOOKY.
HEY.
TELEGRAM.
TELEGRAM FOR MR. ZOOK--
( coughs )
GLAD YOU TRAVEL LIGHT.
( horn honks )
WELL, IF IT ISN'T
FLAPPO THE CLOWN.
WELL, IF IT ISN'T
FLAPPO THE MOUTH.
OH, FUNNY, VERY FUNNY.
NO WONDER YOU DON'T TALK
IN YOUR ACT.
NO COFFEE.
JUST ORANGE JUICE STRAIGHT.
YOUR STOMACH
HURTING YOU AGAIN?
NO, MY STOMACH
AIN'T HURTING ME.
WHY IS IT
ALL BARTENDERS THINK
THAT PEOPLE WANT
TO CONFIDE IN THEM?
BECAUSE EVERYONE DOES.
WHAT'S IN THE BOX?
I'LL SHOW YOU
WHAT'S IN THE BOX.
IT'S GABBY.
SAY HELLO TO JEETER.
JEETER, SAY HELLO TO GABBY.
YOU KNOW
THE HEALTH DEPARTMENT DON'T
ALLOW NO PETS IN HERE.
IT'S MY SEEING-EYE DOG.
JACK, IT AIN'T SANITARY.
RELAX, WILL YOU, GAB?
I GOTTA TEACH HIM
A COUPLE OF TRICKS
BEFORE I DO A BIRTHDAY PARTY
THIS AFTERNOON.
YOU'RE STILL DOING
THOSE BIRTHDAY PARTIES
FOR PEANUTS?
IF IT'S ANY NEWS TO YOU,
I MADE 50 BUCKS LAST WEEK
DOING ONE OF THOSE
BIRTHDAY PARTIES.
OH, YOU MADE 50 BUCKS?
WELL, THAT'S JUST GREAT.
HOW ABOUT
THE EXPENSES, HUH?
GASOLINE, BALLOONS,
PRIZES, YOUR MAKEUP,
FOOD FOR THE CHICKEN?
YOU'RE A GOOD CLOWN,
BUT YOU KNOW WHY YOU
NEVER MADE IT?
I DON'T WANNA KNOW
FOR THE MILLIONTH TIME
WHY I DIDN'T MAKE IT.
SMILEY HAD
SMARTS AND TALENT.
HE MADE IT BIG
WITH BARNUM & BAILEY.
I DIDN'T HAVE
THAT MUCH TALENT.
YOU--
I NEVER SAW ANYBODY
WITH TALENT
LIKE YOU HAD.
AND YOU KNOW
WHY YOU DIDN'T MAKE IT?
Both:
TOO SOFT.
RIGHT. JUST BECAUSE
YOU WERE AN ORPHAN,
THAT DOESN'T MEAN
YOU HAVE TO TAKE EVERY
STREET KID IN CHICAGO IN.
THAT HAD NOTHING
TO DO WITH IT.
AT LEAST YOU COULD TAKE
A LITTLE MONEY IN HELP
FROM THE STATE.
ALL THAT AGGRAVATION.
ALL YOU GOTTA DO IS
SIGN A FEW FORMS,
YOU GET A COUPLE HUNDRED
BUCKS MAYBE FROM
THE GOVERNMENT.
LOOK, I'VE TOLD YOU
A THOUSAND TIMES:
I DON'T RAISE KIDS
FOR PROFIT.
WHO'S TALKING ABOUT PROFIT?
I'M JUST TALKING ABOUT
A LITTLE BIT OF HELP,
MAYBE BREAKING EVEN.
JACK, YOU AND SHIRLEE
HAVE BEEN MARRIED,
LET ME SEE NOW,
33 YEARS.
34. 34 YEARS.
UH-HUH.
HOW MANY KIDS HAVE YOU
TAKEN IN IN THAT TIME?
37,
NOT COUNTING
OUR NATURAL DAUGHTER.
37 KIDS YOU TOOK IN.
- ( phone ringing )
- ( coughs )
YOU GET MY POINT?
HELLO.
OH, HELLO, BABY.
SURE, BABY.
LOVE YOU, BABY.
( wheezing cough )
ALL RIGHT.
THAT WAS YOUR WIFE.
SHE TOLD ME TO TELL YOU
NOT TO FORGET YOUR
APPOINTMENT AT 11:00.
GETTING SO A GUY CAN'T EVEN
DRINK HIS BREAKFAST.
JACK, IT AIN'T GOOD
TO BREAK AN APPOINTMENT.
JEETER, THIS IS
ONE APPOINTMENT
THAT I WISH I DIDN'T
HAVE TO KEEP FOR 20 YEARS.
SAVE ME SOME PASTRAMI.
- WHAT ABOUT THE CHICKEN?
- HE LIKES POPCORN.
( phones ringing )
JACK.
I THINK YOU DON'T
HAVE TO TELL ME.
I'M GONNA CUT OUT SMOKING.
( chuckles )
THAT'S GREAT, JACK.
YOU DON'T NEED
ANY MORE BLOOD
OR ANYTHING LIKE THAT
FOR ANY MORE TESTS, DO YOU?
NO, I THINK THIS
SHOULD DO IT FOR ONE DAY.
THAT'S GREAT,
'CAUSE I'M RUNNING SHORT.
HEY, THAT BEAUTIFUL
DAUGHTER OF YOURS, LAURIE--
SHE'S GOT A BIRTHDAY
THE 16th OF THIS MONTH,
A WEEK FROM SATURDAY, HUH?
- YOU'RE INCREDIBLE.
- I'M IN A BIRTHDAY BUSINESS.
HEY, WHAT ABOUT IF I DROP BY,
AND I DO A LITTLE SOMETHING
TO SURPRISE HER?
YOU KNOW, SHE'S PRETTY
GROWN-UP NOW, JACK.
- OH, SURE.
- YOU WOULDN'T RECOGNIZE HER.
WELL, SHE'S PROBABLY
GONNA HAVE A PARTY.
I COULD DROP BY
AND DO A LITTLE SOMETHING.
JACK, SHE'S HAVING
A ROLLER DISCO PARTY.
- OH.
- ( chuckling )
DISCO.
THAT'S GOOD.
UH...
I SHOULD HAVE
THE RESULTS OF THESE TESTS
LATER THIS AFTERNOON, JACK.
ARTHUR, I'VE BEEN
A PERFORMER FOR...
FOR 40 YEARS...
AND I'VE DEVELOPED A, UH...
AN EXTRA SENSE.
THE HAIR ON THE BACK OF MY
NECK, IT STICKS OUT
BEFORE THE CURTAIN GOES UP.
I CAN ALMOST TELL
WHETHER AN AUDIENCE IS GONNA
FALL IN LOVE WITH ME
OR I'M GONNA GO OUT THERE
AND DIE.
IT'S NEVER FAILED ME.
I WISH TO GOD I'D NEVER...
DEVELOPED THAT KNACK.
I'LL CALL YOU
ABOUT 6:00, JACK.
YEAH, THANKS, ARTHUR.
YOU GIVE ME--
GIVE ME A CALL.
HEY, THAT LAURIE--
LAURIE OF YOURS,
SHE WAS-- OOH!
SHE WAS A GREAT LAUGHER.
( chuckles )
HEY. HEY, ZOOKY.
( chuckles )
JUST THE MAN
I WANTED TO SEE.
I'M GONNA DO
A NEW ROUTINE,
AND I NEED
A PROFESSIONAL OPINION.
YOU KNOW, I'M--
MY GRANDDAUGHTER, SHERRY,
SHE USED TO
GO ALONG WITH ME
TO HELP ME
ON THINGS LIKE THIS,
BUT SINCE
SHE MOVED TO DENVER,
WHY, NOBODY GOES ALONG
WITH ME ANYMORE.
HEY, THERE'S GONNA BE
ICE CREAM
AND CAKE AND BALLOONS.
YOU DON'T WANT TO?
TO TELL THE TRUTH,
I DON'T WANT TO GO, EITHER.
IN FACT, I DON'T FEEL
VERY FUNNY TODAY AT ALL.
BUT A JOB IS A JOB,
AND I HATE
LETTING PEOPLE DOWN.
AND I JUST THOUGHT MAYBE...
I COULD USE THE COMPANY.
WHAT DO YOU SAY?
YOU KNOW, YOU'RE GONNA LIKE
BEING ON THE ROAD, SON.
WORKING A PICNIC
IS NOT LIKE
BEING ON A STAGE
WITH AN AUDIENCE.
NO, THE AUDIENCE
IS ALL AROUND YOU.
SO YOU HAVE TO BE
REALLY CAREFUL WITH MAGIC,
AND YOU GOTTA WORK FAST
BECAUSE THE SUN
IS BEATING DOWN
ON YOUR MAKEUP,
AND YOU'RE
IN A TREMENDOUS SWEAT,
AND YOU JUST HAVE TO--
YOU HAVE TO ACTUALLY
STRAIN YOURSELF.
( children clamoring )
YOU KNOW, I'VE BEEN
DOING MY FACE
EXACTLY THE SAME WAY
SINCE I WAS 16.
A CLOWN'S FACE
IS HIS TRADEMARK.
YOU COULD SUE SOMEBODY
FOR...
FOR COPYING A FACE.
YOU KNOW,
THE REAL AUTHENTIC CLOWNS,
THE REAL ONES,
THEY NEVER TALK
AFTER THEY'RE IN FULL MAKEUP.
THE TV CLOWNS
THAT DO THE KIDDIE SHOWS,
YOU KNOW, COMMERCIALS--
THEY'RE NOT THE REAL
SERIOUS CLOWNS.
THE REALLY GREAT ONES
LIKE LOU JACOBS,
EMMETT KELLY--
THEY ARE THE JEWELS,
CROWN JEWELS.
NOW THIS IS IT.
ONCE I PUT THIS ON,
I'M AS BRILLIANT
AS PIERROT,
AS EXPRESSIVE AS MARCEAU,
AND AS SILENT
AS THE GREAT ZOOKY.
( inaudible )
( whimsical music playing )
Children:
THERE'S A CHICKEN
ON YOUR HEAD!
THERE'S A CHICKEN ON
YOUR HEAD!
( clucking )
( applauding, cheering )
SO HOW DID YOU LIKE
THE SHOW, ZACHARIAH?
THAT GREAT, HUH?
YOU KNOW,
I DON'T WANNA TAKE
THIS NO-TALKING THING
PERSONALLY,
BECAUSE I KNOW
YOU CAN TALK.
I HEARD YOU TALK
TO YOUR FATHER
BEFORE HE LEFT.
YOU HAVEN'T SAID
A WORD SINCE.
YOU'RE LUCKY
YOU LIVE IN AMERICA.
YOU KNOW WHY?
BECAUSE THEY HAVE A LAW
THAT PROTECTS YOU.
IT'S TRUE.
I SAW IT ON TV.
"YOU HAVE THE RIGHT
TO REMAIN SILENT."
DID YOU HEAR THE ONE
ABOUT ROY ROGERS?
HE HAD THIS BIG PLACE
UP IN THE MOUNTAINS, SEE,
AND THIS BIG
MOUNTAIN LION...
...SO DAY 11,
STICKS HER HEAD
OUT THE WINDOW
AND SHE YELLS
AT ROY ROGERS...
♪ PARDON ME, ROY ♪
♪ IS THAT THE CAT
THAT CHEWED YOUR
NEW SHOES? ♪
YOU KNOW, ONE DAY
YOU'RE GONNA LAUGH,
AND IT'S GONNA SHOCK ME.
IT'S JUST GONNA SHOCK--
HEY, SHIRL!
SHIRLEE!
I GUESS
WE BEAT 'EM HOME.
I GOT ANOTHER ONE FOR YOU.
LOOK, SIT DOWN,
LISTEN TO THIS.
THE PRESIDENT
OF THE UNITED STATES--
HE HAS A HEART ATTACK
WHILE HE'S IN OFFICE.
YOU UNDERSTAND?
AND THEY ADVERTISE
ALL OVER THE COUNTRY
FOR A DONOR
SO HE CAN HAVE
A TRANSPLANT FOR HIS HEART.
( phone ringing )
STAY RIGHT THERE,
IF YOU PLEASE.
ALL RIGHT, I'M COMING.
HELLO.
OH, HI, DOC.
YES, I UNDERSTAND.
HOW LONG--
HOW LONG
WOULD I BE LAID UP?
HOLD IT. TWO MONTHS?
LOOK, I--
I COULDN'T-- UH...
I COULDN'T TAKE
TWO MONTHS,
BECAUSE, WELL,
I'VE GOT A LOT OF JOBS,
AND I'VE GOT
THINGS TO DO, DOC.
I REALIZE
WHAT YOU'RE SAYING...
BUT MY--
BUT MY FAMILY...
NO, LOOK, IT'S--
I UNDERSTAND
WHAT YOU'RE SAYING, DOCTOR,
BUT IT'S TWO MONTHS.
DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THAT?
AND I CAN'T.
I'VE GOT A LOT OF WORK.
BESIDES, YOUR--
YOUR ODDS...
YOUR ODDS ARE LOUSY.
DOC, YOUR ODDS
ARE REALLY LOUSY.
LET ME SEE...
WHERE WAS I?
OH, YEAH,
THE PRESIDENT.
THE PRESIDENT
HAD A HEART ATTACK,
AND THEY WERE--
THEY WERE LOOKING
FOR DONORS,
UH, FOR A TRANSPLANT.
AND THEY WANTED--
I FORGET
THE REST OF THE STORY.
HELLO, MR. CARNAHAN?
MR. CARNAHAN,
THIS IS JACK THUM.
YEAH, I'VE DONE
QUITE A BIT OF WORK
DOWN AROUND THAT SCHOOL
EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE.
I WAS CALLING TO SEE
THAT, YOU KNOW,
MAYBE SOME THINGS
THAT COULD BE COMING UP
THERE, YOU KNOW,
WITH PARTIES OR BIRTHDAYS
OR MAYBE A CELEBRATION
OF SOME KIND THAT I--
YES, I UNDERSTAND.
( hangs up )
( picks up phone,
dialing )
( shouting )
NO, I WON'T LEAVE
ANY NUMBER OF MINE
ON ANY MACHINE!
LISTEN, MACHINE,
YOU'RE TALKING TO
A REAL, LIVE PERSON
AND I'M NOT
GONNA LEAVE MY NUMBER
ON ANY DAMN MACHINE!
( slams receiver )
- JACK, WHAT'S THE MATTER?
- NOTHING!
IT'S NOTHING AT ALL.
STOP THAT--
LISTEN, WHAT'S
THE MATTER WITH YOU?
YOU KNOW THE--
LISTEN, YOU KNOW THE RULES.
IF YOU CAN'T LIVE BY THE RULES,
THEN GET OUT!
- JACK.
- I'M SICK AND TIRED OF IT.
YOU UNDERSTAND
THAT I'M SICK AND TIRED
OF TRYING TO CALL
AND GET WORK
SO I CAN PAY THE RENT
IN THIS ROTTEN APARTMENT?
I'M SORRY.
HONEY, I'M SORRY.
I'VE GOTTA GET OUT OF HERE.
- ( people laughing )
- ( upbeat music playing )
- HI, JACK.
- HI, GINA. GIVE ME
A SEVEN AND SEVEN.
ALL RIGHT.
SEVEN AND SEVEN
FOR JACK.
- JACK'S HERE?
- YEAH, OVER THERE.
THERE YOU ARE.
NO, NO,
THE OTHER WAY AROUND.
- OH, NO, NO, NO.
- THE OTHER WAY AROUND.
NO, NO, NO,
YOU GOTTA BE CAREFUL
WITH YOUR STOMACH.
THERE'S NOTHING WRONG
WITH MY STOMACH.
YOU'RE THE ONE
THAT'S ALWAYS
ON THE VERGE OF ULCERS.
- ARE YOU SURE?
- I'M SURE. I'M POSITIVE.
- OKAY, OKAY.
- LEAVE ME ALONE.
HEY, DID YOU
SEE THE NEW POSTER
WITH SMILEY'S PICTURE?
HOW COULD I MISS IT?
I THOUGHT YOU'D
HAVE IT OUTSIDE
IN NEON WITH SEARCHLIGHTS
GOING AROUND IN THE AIR.
WOW-WOW-WOW.
DO YOU REMEMBER THE TIME
WHEN WE PICKED HIM
OUT OF THE GUTTER
THE NIGHT
BEFORE HE GOT MARRIED?
HE NEVER WOULD HAVE REACHED 30
IF IT WASN'T FOR YOU AND ME.
TELL IT
TO BARNUM & BAILEY.
( sighs )
WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME
THAT YOU AND ME
WENT ON A BENDER?
YOU MEAN, REAL DRUNK?
I MEAN, WE GOT
NAILED DOWN, SMASHED.
- OH, YOU MEAN
REALLY DRUNK.
- WRECKED. WRECKED.
NEW YEAR'S EVE, EH?
1968.
I'D SAY WE'RE
A LITTLE OVERDUE, EH?
WHAT ARE WE DRINKING TO?
SMILEY?
NO, WE'RE GONNA
DRINK TO US--
TO FLAPPO
AND FLAPPO THE CLOWN.
YOU KNOW, I SHOULD
APOLOGIZE TO YOU.
- YOU WERE RIGHT
ABOUT ONE THING.
- ABOUT WHAT?
FLAPPO THE CLOWN.
I'M A FLOP AT MOST
EVERYTHING I'VE DONE.
( inaudible dialogue )
( inaudible singing )
- ( coughs )
- WE'RE CELEBRATING.
LOOKS LIKE YOU STARTED
WITHOUT ME.
- WELL...
- GINA, ANOTHER ONE.
OH, NO.
PLEASE, DON'T OPEN
ANOTHER BOTTLE
ON MY ACCOUNT.
NOT A BOTTLE, A GLASS.
I'M DRUNK, BUT I'M NOT CRAZY.
- ( slurring )
HAVE YOU BEEN DRINKING?
- OH, NO.
- HAVE YOU BEEN DRINKING?
- WHAT IS THE OCCASION?
UH, IT'S NEW YEAR'S EVE,
1968.
- HUH?
- YEAH.
- ( both laughing )
- OH, DID WE HAVE BALL.
YOU TWO-- YOU KIDS
HAVE A FIGHT, HUH?
- Shirlee: NOT YET.
- NO.
- BECAUSE I THINK I--
- WHERE ARE YOU GOING?
I THINK I GOTTA GO
TO THE JOHN.
UGH, NOW I KNOW
WHY I DON'T DRINK.
I HATE BOOZE.
ARE YOU GONNA TELL ME
WHAT IT IS?
NO.
NO, I--
I CAN'T TELL YOU
WHAT IT IS HERE.
WOULD YOU LIKE
TO TELL ME AT HOME?
NO.
I CAN'T TELL YOU
AT HOME, EITHER.
JACK, PLEASE TELL ME.
I CAN TAKE IT.
I JUST CAN'T STAND
NOT KNOWING.
IT'S NOT YOU.
HONEY, IT AIN'T YOU.
I LOVE YOU.
I CAN'T SAY IT
BECAUSE I'M AFRAID...
IF I SAY IT,
IT WILL BE REAL.
WHAT?
WELL, IT CAN'T--
CAN'T BE TOO BAD.
I'LL JUST HAVE TO
CUT OUT
MAYBE
THE BALLOON BIT.
IT'S OLD--
IT'S OLD ANYWAY.
IT'S OUTDATED.
JACK.
YOUR OLD MAN
HAS A BAD LUNG.
DOCTOR WANTS
TO TAKE IT OUT.
( distant siren wails )
( cat meowing )
YES...
( grunts )
IT'S GONNA--
IT'S GONNA BE ALL RIGHT.
( baby crying )
( baby stops crying )
MOM, I JUST GOT ANGIE
BACK DOWN.
WHAT'S THE OCCASION HERE?
YOU HAVEN'T MADE BISCUITS
IN A LONG TIME.
I KNOW.
I JUST FELT LIKE...
DOING SOMETHING SPECIAL
THIS MORNING.
YOU KNOW,
I'VE BEEN THINKING
SINCE LAST NIGHT,
IT'S NOT RIGHT
THAT JACK SUPPORTS
ALL OF US.
SO I FOUND OUT
ABOUT THIS JOB
AT A GARAGE,
AND I CAN MAKE, LIKE,
100 BUCKS A WEEK--
IF YOU WOULDN'T MIND
WATCHING ANGIE
WHILE I WAS GONE.
NO, I WOULDN'T MIND
WATCHING THE BABY.
- THANK YOU.
- HEY...
IF IT WEREN'T
FOR YOU AND JACK
LETTING US LIVE HERE,
I NEVER
WOULD HAVE BEEN ABLE
TO KEEP THE BABY.
- DID NOT.
- YOU DID, TOO.
- DID NOT.
- BE QUIET.
ANGIE'S SLEEPING.
WAIT, PUT THAT BACK.
I WANT TO TALK TO YOU.
YOU KNOW THAT JACK AND I
LOVE ALL OF YOU
AS IF YOU WERE
BORN TO US.
WE'RE A FAMILY,
AND PROBABLY A LOT CLOSER
THAN A LOT OF FAMILIES
BECAUSE WE REMEMBER
WHAT IT WAS LIKE
NOT TO HAVE EACH OTHER,
RIGHT?
WELL, YESTERDAY WE FOUND OUT
THAT JACK IS SICK.
NOW, IT'S NOTHING
TO GET WORRIED ABOUT,
BUT, UH, HE HAS TO GO
INTO THE HOSPITAL
SOON FOR AN OPERATION.
- IS HE GONNA DIE?
- OF COURSE NOT.
DON'T BE STUPID.
WELL, HONEY,
NOBODY KNOWS
ANYTHING FOR CERTAIN
IN THIS LIFE
UNTIL AFTER IT'S OVER,
BUT I CAN'T MAKE
ANY PROMISES.
I THINK HE'S
GONNA BE OKAY.
- SO DO I.
- ME, TOO.
- MOM.
- YEAH?
IF-- IF SOMETHING
SHOULD HAPPEN TO JACK,
WILL WE STILL LIVE HERE?
OH, OF COURSE, SWEETHEART.
THIS IS YOUR HOME
NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS.
- Alice: BYE, MOM.
- BYE, HONEY.
- SEE YOU LATER, MOM.
- OKAY, RALPHIE.
- Tommy: I'LL BE HOME AT
NOON TO FEED ANGIE.
- ALL RIGHT.
( front door closes )
I WAS JUST LOOKING
THROUGH A FEW THINGS.
YEAH.
WELL, I STARTED UP
SOME BISCUITS.
OH, BISCUITS.
YOU'RE SO TERRIFIC.
NOT REALLY.
I KNEW YOU'D LIKE THEM.
YEAH.
THEY'RE THE GREATEST
THING IN THE WORLD
FOR A HANGOVER.
A BAD ONE?
A BAD ONE?
NEXT TO WHAT?
I-- I-- I TALKED TO THE DOCTOR
THIS MORNING,
AND HE SAID
THAT YOU'LL BE GOING
INTO THE HOSPITAL ON MONDAY,
AND TUESDAY
YOU'LL HAVE THE OPERATION.
A GUY GETS A SPOT
ON HIS X-RAY,
AND HE GETS
HIS VOTE CANCELED.
IT CAN'T WAIT, JACK.
YOU CAN'T LET THIS THING
HANG OVER YOUR HEAD.
HONEY, LOOK,
I'VE GOT A LOT OF WORK
COMING UP THIS WEEK.
I GOT PARTY AFTER PARTY.
IT'S A $300 WEEK.
WELL, I'LL TELL THEM.
I'LL CALL EVERYBODY.
I'LL LET THEM KNOW.
HONEY, HAVE YOU
GIVEN ANY THOUGHT
AS TO WHO'S GONNA PAY
FOR THIS BIG OPERATION?
THE DOCTOR SAID
THAT THE HOSPITAL ROOM
AND THE MEDICAL BILLS
WILL BE WAIVED.
- WHAT, ARE WE SOME KIND OF
CHARITY CASE OR SOMETHING?
- OH, NO, NO, JACK.
- COME ON, I MEAN IT.
- AFTER 30 YEARS
OF FREE SHOWS,
HE FIGURED
YOU'RE ENTITLED.
OH, TOMMY'S GOT A JOB.
YOU DIDN'T TELL EVERYBODY
THAT I WAS GOING TO
THE HOSPITAL, DID YOU?
- WHAT DID YOU DO THAT FOR?
- OH, JACK, WE ALWAYS
LEVEL WITH THE KIDS.
WHAT DID YOU
WANT ME TO SAY,
THAT YOU WERE GONNA
TAKE A LITTLE VACATION
TO MIAMI?
(chuckles )
NO.
- WELL?
- NO.
ALL RIGHT, SO THEY KNOW.
JACK THUM IS OFF
FOR BACKLESS NIGHTGOWNS
AND RUBBERY JELL-O.
YES, WELL, IF I KNOW YOU,
YOU'LL WORK THAT
INTO AN ACT.
- YEAH.
- TELL ME
WHICH IS FUNNIER--
RED JELL-O
OR GREEN JELL-O?
- WHICH IS FUNNIER?
- YELLOW, YELLOW.
- YELLOW?
- YELLOW.
YELLOW RUBBERY JELL-O?
UGH.
- HAVE YOU GOT
A SHOW TODAY?
- NO.
HEY, THE CIRCUS
IS IN TOWN.
OH, I'D LOVE TO GO,
BUT I HAVE TO STAY
AND WATCH THE BABY.
- EH, YOU'RE A DRAG.
- YEAH, I KNOW,
BUT I THINK I CAN
SCRAPE SOMEBODY UP
FOR YOU.
- REALLY?
- YEAH.
Barker:
CIRCUS SOUVENIR PROGRAMS!
( carnival music playing )
Vendor: HOT DOGS!
( trumpeting )
I HAVE 1 AND 1-B HERE,
RIGHT HERE.
Announcer:
Your attention, please.
Two things I would like
you to be aware of...
ALL RIGHT, LOOKS LIKE
YOU'RE READY
FOR YOUR FIRST
ELEPHANT RIDE.
( children giggling )
- ( fanfare )
- ( applause )
Ladies and gentlemen,
boys and girls,
Circus On Parade!
Welcome to the world
of America's...
Presenting the only act
of its kind
in the world today--
16 beautiful
Siberian tigers.
And featuring the only
performing white tigers
in existence today.
( whistle blowing )
Rings one and three--
a menagerie of accomplished
animal actors.
- ( drumroll )
- ( applause )
( fanfare )
Buffoonery
with the circus clown!
( laughter )
Have you enjoyed our show
so far this afternoon?
YOU REALLY THINK
THAT'S FUNNY?
( fanfare, drumroll )
( growling )
HEY, FELLA,
COULD YOU TELL ME
WHERE I MIGHT FIND SMILEY?
YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED
TO BE BACK HERE.
- IT'S ALL RIGHT.
I KNOW HIM VERY WELL.
- YOU DO?
SURE. HIS NAME IS
ARNIE MOFFAT.
HE DRINKS NOTHING BUT
BOURBON AND DR. PEPPER
AND ALWAYS DRINKS A TOAST
TO TONTO'S REVENGE.
YOU KNOW HIM.
THE RED-AND-WHITE ONE
DOWN THERE.
OH, THANKS VERY MUCH.
- IS SMILEY IN?
- HE AIN'T HERE.
- COULD YOU TELL ME
WHERE I MIGHT FIND HIM?
- Smiley: JACK?
- I DON'T BELIEVE IT.
YOU SON OF A GUN!
- NOT IN, HUH?
IT'S OKAY, HONEY.
- YOU GO ON.
I'LL SEE YOU LATER.
- HAVE YOU GOT A MINUTE?
YOU BET I DO!
WE'VE GOT PLENTY OF TIME.
WE'VE GOT AN HOUR AND A HALF
TILL THE NEXT SHOW.
I THOUGHT
YOU'D NEVER COME.
WHY, WE PLAYED CHICAGO
SIX TIMES, AND YOU DIDN'T
SHOW UP ONCE.
I KNOW, BUT ZOOKY
TOOK ME BY THE HAND
AND DRAGGED ME HERE.
I COULDN'T STAY AWAY.
- HOW DO YOU DO?
- HE'S A LITTLE SHY.
- A LITTLE SHY, SMILEY.
- OKAY, MOM.
- I'LL TAKE OFF
THE HELMET HERE.
- OKAY.
TONTO'S REVENGE--
HOW ABOUT A DRINK?
NO, THANKS. NO.
I GOT INTO A DRINKING
BOUT LAST NIGHT,
- AND I'M GETTING OVER
THE, YOU KNOW...
- WHO WON?
UH, I-- I DON'T KNOW.
WELL, I'D PUT
MY MONEY ON YOU
IF I WAS A BETTING MAN.
YOU LOOK LOUSY.
OH, THANKS, THANKS.
I APPRECIATE IT.
( laughs )
IS THAT YOUR KID?
YEAH, THIS IS MY BOY.
HOW'D YOU LIKE
THE SHOW, KID?
HE'S PRACTICING
HIS MIME.
OH. GONNA TAKE AFTER
YOUR OLD MAN, HUH?
( high-pitched voice )
YEAH, IF I SEE SOMETHING
FUNNY, I'LL LAUGH.
MY DAD TRIES ALL HIS
FUNNY STUFF ON ME.
I'M HIS LAUGH-O-METER.
YOU KNOW, YOU CAN ALWAYS
TELL A GOOD VENTRILOQUIST--
THE DUMMY'S LIPS
NEVER MOVE.
HEY, GO AND SIT DOWN, SON.
SIT OVER THERE.
ATTABOY.
WELL, HOW'S JEETER?
OH, FINE.
HEY, HE'S RUNNING
THE GREATEST LITTLE BAR
YOU EVER SAW IN CHI,
AND AT NO PROFIT,
OF COURSE.
YEAH, THAT'S
JEETER ALL OVER.
HOW ABOUT SHIRLEE?
OH, SHE'S FINE.
HOME WITH THE KIDS.
( coughs )
HOW IS BEA?
I DON'T KNOW.
I HAVEN'T SEEN HER
IN 7 YEARS.
WHAT?
LAST I HEARD,
SHE WAS IN CALIFORNIA.
I'M SORRY.
I DIDN'T--
I DIDN'T MEAN
TO MENTION IT.
OH, IT'S NOT HER FAULT.
THIS IS NO KIND OF LIFE
FOR RAISING KIDS.
YOU KNOW,
SOMETIMES I WONDER
IF MAYBE I DIDN'T MAKE
THE WRONG TURN SOMEWHERE.
SEEMS LIKE ONLY YESTERDAY
YOU WERE SOBERING ME UP
FROM MY WEDDING.
( laughs )
AND TONIGHT--
WELL, TONIGHT...
I'M JUST AN OLD MAN
LIVING IN A TRAILER.
TOO LATE FOR REGRETS.
OH, YOU BET.
HEY, I WAS JUST THINKING,
YOU KNOW, WHAT YOU
OUGHTA DO SOMETIME
IS DROP BY JEETER'S BAR
AND SAY HI 'CAUSE
HE'D LOVE TO SEE YOU.
HE'S GOT A BIG POSTER OF YOU
ON THE SIDE OF THE WALL.
- LOOKS AT IT ALL THE TIME.
- NO KIDDING.
YEAH, HE KEEPS SAYING,
"THERE'S SMILEY."
MAYBE I'LL DO THAT.
MAYBE I WILL JUST DO THAT.
YEAH, HE'D LOVE IT.
HEY, ARE YOU SURE YOU WON'T
HAVE A DRINK, HUH?
NO, UH--
NO, NO, THANKS.
I'VE GOT TO GET
THE BOY HOME.
THANKS, JANK.
"JANK"?
NOBODY CALLS ME JANK
ANYMORE.
( chuckles )
THOSE WERE THE DAYS, HUH?
"JANK, JACK AND JEETER."
AH.
- GIVE SHIRL A KISS FOR ME.
- I WILL, SMILEY. BYE.
( trumpeting )
Man:
WHAT'S THE PROBLEM?
Jack:
UH, AN OPERATION.
GONNA HAVE AN OPERATION.
Man:
WELL, THE KIND
OF POLICY YOU HAVE
DOESN'T APPLY TO THIS
SITUATION.
I'M SORRY.
IT'S FOR MY FAMILY.
WHILE I'M NOT GONNA BE ABLE
TO WORK FOR THESE FEW MONTHS,
I WANT TO SEE TO IT
THAT THEY GET SOMETHING
TO TIE THEM OVER.
YOU SEE, YOU HAVE
MINIMUM COVERAGE FOR
A SELF-EMPLOYED BUSINESSMAN.
BUT IT SAYS
THAT IT'S WORTH $50,000.
OH, AND IT IS,
BUT ONLY IN THE CASE
OF ACCIDENTAL DEATH.
WAIT A MINUTE,
LET ME GET THIS STRAIGHT.
YOU MEAN, IF I LIE IN
A HOSPITAL FOR SIX MONTHS,
AND I'M SUFFERING,
I DON'T GET NOTHING.
BUT IF I WERE
TO WALK OUT OF YOUR OFFICE,
AND I GET HIT BY A TRUCK,
THEN I'M WORTH $50,000?
BASICALLY, YES. THAT'S THE KIND
OF POLICY YOU CHOSE.
Woman:
MR. THUM, MR. GREEN
WILL BE YOUR ROOMMATE.
WHAT'S HIS FIRST NAME?
WELL, I DON'T KNOW.
ROLAND.
HI, ROLAND.
I'M JACK THUM.
LOOKS LIKE WE'RE
GONNA BE BUNKMATES.
HMM.
PUT THIS ON
AND GET INTO BED.
IT TIES IN THE BACK.
I'M FEELING
PRETTY GOOD NOW,
BUT I DON'T FEEL LIKE
GETTING INTO THAT
JUST YET.
JACK, IT'S HOSPITAL RULES.
I KNOW,
BUT CAN I PUT IT ON
BEFORE I GO TO BED?
DO I HAVE TO CALL
DR. ABRAHMS?
- JACK, PLEASE PUT IT ON
AND GET INTO BED.
- ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.
MISS, PLEASE
DON'T TOUCH THAT.
JUST LEAVE THAT.
THANK YOU.
WILL YOU SEE
THAT HE GETS INTO BED?
YES, I WILL.
HEY, DOES SHE--
DOES SHE ALWAYS
YELL AT YOU LIKE THAT?
HMM.
NO WONDER YOU'RE
IN SUCH A GREAT MOOD.
HONEY, THESE DAMN
HOSPITALS--
THEY PUT YOU BETWEEN
THE STARCHED SHEETS
AND YOU START TO FEEL
SICK ALREADY.
Shirlee:
I KNOW.
IS THAT ALL RIGHT?
Okay, Peter,
just avoid that dragon
over there...
YOU KNOW, MY BEST AUDIENCE
IS DOWN ON THE FOURTH FLOOR,
AND I'D FEEL MUCH BETTER
GOING DOWN THERE,
MAYBE DOING A MATINEE.
YEAH, AND YOU THINK
YOU COULD GET BY
THAT WARDEN?
MAYBE IF WE BRIBED
A COUPLE OF GUARDS.
- ( both chuckle )
- ( coughs )
- YEAH.
- EXCUSE ME.
YOU THINK
YOU'RE UP TO IT?
WELL, I COULD...
SURE DO WITH HEARING
SOME LAUGHTER.
WELL,
I'LL SEE IF I CAN
PULL SOME STRINGS.
( both muttering )
( singing )
- Jack: SINGING MAKEUP LADY.
- ( laughing )
- ( elevator dings )
- ( phone ringing )
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
MAY I HAVE YOUR ATTENTION,
PLEASE?
THE MEMORIAL
ORTHOPEDIC WING
IS PROUD TO PRESENT
YOUR VERY OWN...
JACK THUM!
( whimsical music playing )
PFFT. PFFT. PFFT.
- YOU TIRED?
- JUST A LITTLE.
YOU GET SOME REST.
WHEN I'M FINISHED HERE,
I'M GONNA GO HOME
AND FEED THE KIDS.
YEAH, SAY--
SAY HELLO
TO MR. TALKATIVE.
YOU WORKED A MIRACLE
WITH ZOOKY, JACK.
SINCE HE'S BEEN
TO THE CIRCUS,
HE'S A DIFFERENT KID.
HE EVEN LET ME
PUT THE SUITCASE
UP IN THE CLOSET.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BURNED IT.
I NEVER THOUGHT
I'D ENJOY
THE SMELL OF
COLD CREAM ON A MAN.
YOU KNOW, I'M GONNA
TAKE THIS MODEL TO JACK
IN THE HOSPITAL.
- YOU CAN'T.
- WHY NOT? IT'S MY MODEL.
'CAUSE THEY
DON'T ALLOW KIDS
VISITING IN THE HOSPITAL.
OH, RIGHT.
UM, WELL,
I'LL HAVE SHIRLEE
TAKE TO TO HIM, THEN,
AND I'LL WRITE HIM
A NOTE.
RALPH, DO YOU
THINK JACK'S EVER
COMING OUT OF THE HOSPITAL?
OF COURSE.
YOU HEARD WHAT
SHIRLEE SAID.
I KNOW, BUT MY MAMA
WENT IN THE HOSPITAL
FOR AN OPERATION,
AND SHE NEVER CAME BACK.
( people screaming on TV )
WELL, JACK'S DIFFERENT.
HE'S A CLOWN.
IT'S DIFFERENT
WITH CLOWNS.
( gunfire on TV )
OH, NO.
ZOOKY,
JACK HASN'T LEFT YOU.
HE'S COMING BACK.
HE HAD TO GO
TO THE HOSPITAL
FOR A COUPLE OF WEEKS.
I THOUGHT
YOU UNDERSTOOD.
JACK HAS NOT LEFT YOU.
OKAY, COME ON.
YOU'RE GONNA SEE
FOR YOURSELF.
( whispering )
STAY CLOSE TO ME.
OKAY?
TV host:
Scrambled names
of very famous people, okay?
Shirlee: JACK.
HI, HONEY.
COME ON IN.
JUST IN TIME
TO SEE ME
LOSE A STARING MATCH
WITH THE LOVELY POTATOES.
UH, JACK, ZOOKY WAS AFRAID
YOU WEREN'T COMING BACK,
SO I BROUGHT HIM ALONG,
'CAUSE I THOUGHT
THE TWO OF YOU
OUGHT TO HAVE A TALK.
WELL, SHIRLEE, LOOK,
IF YOU--
IF YOU TAKE THIS AWAY,
PLEASE,
THEN WE'LL STRAIGHTEN
EVERYTHING OUT, HUH?
- ALL RIGHT.
- THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
ROLAND, WILL YOU EXCUSE US
FOR A FEW MINUTES?
HMM.
NOW, ZOOKY...
I'M VERY GLAD
THAT YOU CAME.
I KNOW THAT YOU'VE HAD
A TOUGH TIME.
I DIDN'T KNOW THAT IT WAS
GONNA UPSET YOU SO MUCH...
IF I CAME
TO THE HOSPITAL.
IF YOU THINK
I'D RATHER BE HERE
INSTEAD OF
BEING WITH YOU,
WHY, YOU'VE GOT
ANOTHER THINK COMING.
BUT I HAD TO DO IT.
AND I'LL BE HOME...
IN A COUPLE OF WEEKS.
AND THEN WE'LL--
EVERYTHING WILL BE
THE SAME, SEE,
AND YOU CAN HELP ME
WITH-- AHEM--
WITH THE BIRTHDAY PARTIES
AGAIN,
JUST LIKE YOU DID.
LOOK, I'M--
I'M GONNA
TELL YOU SOMETHING.
IT'LL BE
A SECRET, HUH?
I HAVEN'T EVEN
TOLD SHIRLEE THIS.
THIS OPERATION
I'M GONNA HAVE...
MAY NOT DO ANY GOOD.
AND I MAY NOT
BE WITH YOU
LIKE I WOULD
WANT TO BE.
I...
YOU KNOW...
WE'VE HAD
A LOT OF CHILDREN...
AT OUR HOUSE.
THEY'RE ALL
WONDERFUL CHILDREN,
BUT FUNNY THING IS,
I FEEL CLOSER TO YOU
THAN I DID
TO ANY OF THEM.
AND THEY WERE ALL
GOOD KIDS.
I FEEL LIKE
YOU ARE MY--
MY SON.
AT THE CIRCUS,
I WAS SO PROUD.
I WANTED TO YELL OUT,
TELL EVERYBODY, I'D SAY,
"HEY, HEY,
LOOK OVER HERE.
THIS IS ZOOKY."
"HE'S MY SON."
SO JUST REMEMBER,
NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS...
I LOVE YOU.
ZOOKY. ZOOKY!
ZOOKY, WHAT IS IT,
HONEY?
ROLAND?
HMM.
LISTEN, I GOT--
I GOT ANOTHER ONE
FOR YOU.
UH...
THERE'S THIS GUY
WHO LOSES EVERYTHING
HE'S GOT IN LIFE,
SO HE GOES UP
ON THE BRIDGE...
( coughs )
TO JUMP OFF
TO KILL HIMSELF.
AND HE'S JUST ABOUT
TO DO IT,
AND AN OLD HAG APPEARS.
I MEAN, A REAL OLD HAG.
AND SHE SAYS,
"SONNY, DON'T DO THAT.
I'LL GIVE YOU
THREE WISHES
IF YOU DON'T DO IT."
AND HE SAYS,
"THAT'S PRETTY GOOD."
SO HE SAYS,
"MY FIRST WISH IS
THAT I COULD GET
ALL THE MONEY
THAT I'VE LOST IN LIFE
BACK."
SHE SAYS,
"YOUR WISH IS GRANTED.
"YOU CALL THE BANK,
AND YOU'LL FIND
THAT IT'S BEEN
REDEPOSITED FOR YOU."
WELL...
HE STARTS TO FEEL BETTER,
SHE SAYS, "SECOND WISH?"
HE SAYS, "WELL,
I'D LIKE TO HAVE MY WIFE
AND MY FAMILY BACK."
SHE SAYS, "GO HOME.
"GO ON HOME.
YOUR WIFE WILL MEET YOU,
AND YOUR CHILDREN
WILL MEET YOU."
AND SO HE'S FEELING
BETTER ALL THE TIME--
BETTER AND BETTER.
SHE SAYS,
"THE THIRD WISH?"
HE SAYS, "THE THIRD WISH--
I'D LIKE TO GET
MY OLD JOB BACK."
SHE SAYS, "WELL,
THE MINUTE THAT YOU GET HOME,
THE PHONE'S GONNA RING,
AND THEY'RE GONNA BEG YOU
TO COME BACK."
HE SAYS TO HER,
"WELL, YOU'VE DONE
SUCH A WONDERFUL THING FOR ME.
IF THERE'S SOMETHING
I CAN DO FOR YOU--
IS THERE ANYTHING I CAN
DO FOR YOU?"
SHE SAYS, "SONNY,
"I'VE BEEN A WITCH
FOR 300 YEARS,
"AND IN ALL THAT TIME,
I AIN'T EVER
BEEN KISSED."
SO HE STARTS TO KISS HER
AND HE FINDS OUT,
UGH...
SHE'S THE UGLIEST WOMAN
HE'S EVER SEEN--
I MEAN, REALLY, REALLY
UGLY, ROLAND.
BUT FOR WHAT SHE'S DONE,
HE MUSTERS UP ALL
OF HIS STRENGTH,
TAKES HER IN HIS ARMS,
AND HE GIVES HER
A REAL SMACKO
RIGHT ON THE LIPS.
AND SHE'S
SMILING UP AT HIM
AND SHE SAYS,
"HOW OLD ARE YOU, SONNY?"
HE SAID, "38."
SHE SAID,
"AIN'T YOU KIND OF OLD
TO BE BELIEVING
IN WITCHES?"
( Roland coughing )
( Roland laughing )
( laughing continues)
THANKS.
I DON'T WANT
TO GO THROUGH WITH THIS.
Shirlee: I KNOW.
( coughing )
I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU
THIS NERVOUS
SINCE YOU AUDITIONED
FOR BARNUM & BAILEY.
- BARNUM & BAILEY.
- THAT WAS A LONG TIME AGO.
I WAS TERRIFIED AT THAT.
WE'D BEEN MARRIED
JUST A YEAR.
IF I'D HAVE KNOWN THAT...
I WAS GONNA BE A CLOWN
THAT WASN'T GONNA
AMOUNT TO VERY MUCH...
I MIGHT HAVE CHOSEN
ANOTHER BUSINESS.
- OH...
- NO, I MEAN IT.
NO, DON'T SAY THAT.
AND THERE I GO, BRINGING HOME
EVERY BOY OR GIRL,
EVERY KID OFF THE STREET.
YEAH.
YOU KNOW, JACK,
WHEN I WAS A LITTLE GIRL,
AND I LIVED IN MY
GRANDMOTHER'S HOUSE,
I WAS LONELY.
I HAD NO BROTHERS OR SISTERS.
I HAD A LOT OF DOLLS,
BUT I USED TO DREAM
ABOUT HAVING A LOT OF KIDS
WHEN I GREW UP.
WELL, AFTER WE HAD JOELLA
AND...
...WE FOUND OUT WE COULDN'T
HAVE ANY MORE KIDS,
I WAS TERRIFIED
THAT SHE WAS GONNA GROW UP
AS AN ONLY CHILD,
AND THEN YOU...
WHEN SHE WAS
JUST A LITTLE BABY--
YOU CAME HOME WITH THAT
LITTLE RAGAMUFFIN.
- LOUIE.
I BROUGHT HOME LOUIE.
- LOUIE.
OH, LOUIE,
PINCH-FACED LOUIE.
I LOVED YOU SO MUCH.
COME HERE A MINUTE.
MR. THUM,
ROLL OVER ON YOUR
RIGHT SIDE, PLEASE,
AND PULL UP YOUR GOWN.
FOR A MINUTE I FORGOT.
YOU KNOW, FOR A GUY WHO MADE
HIS LIVING ALL HIS LIFE
BY DROPPING HIS DRAWERS,
I DON'T KNOW WHY THIS
SHOULD BE EMBARRASSING.
( chuckles )
I'M GLAD I DIDN'T
MISS THE SHOW.
THEY'LL BE UP TO GET YOU
IN A FEW MINUTES.
YOU'LL BE PRETTY DROWSY
BY THEN.
ALL RIGHT.
- HIYA, SWEETHEART.
- HI, JEETER.
YOUR TIMING
IS INCREDIBLE.
PASTRAMI.
HEAVY MUSTARD,
LIKE YOU ASKED FOR.
OH, THERE'S NO SMELL
LIKE IT.
THANK YOU. I'LL PUT IT
BY MY PILLOW HERE.
THIS PLACE COULD USE
A LITTLE ATMOSPHERE.
- HOW ARE YOU DOING?
- FINE. FINE.
YOU'LL NEVER GUESS
WHO CAME IN LAST NIGHT.
- WHO?
- SMILEY.
SMILEY?
NO KIDDING?
HE WAS SORRY TO HEAR
YOU WERE SICK.
WHY'D YOU HAVE TO GO
AND OPEN YOUR MOUTH
AND TELL HIM
THAT I WAS SICK?
CAN'T YOU KEEP YOUR
MOUTH SHUT?
HE'S A FRIEND.
HE ONLY WANTED TO HELP.
- COME ON.
- HE WANTED TO KNOW
HOW YOU GUYS WERE FIXED.
WE DON'T NEED
ANY MONEY.
TAKE IT EASY.
OKAY, OKAY.
HE DIDN'T MEAN
ANYTHING BY IT.
HIYA, FELLOWS.
I'M SORRY, JACK.
OH...
IT'S ALL RIGHT,
JEETER.
YOU JUST...
TAKE LIFE TOO SERIOUSLY,
THAT'S ALL.
HONEY, HONEY,
I'LL BE HERE
WHEN YOU GET BACK.
YOU'D BETTER BE.
I'LL TRY NOT TO TAKE IT
SO SERIOUSLY.
IT'S A DOG-AND-PONY SHOW.
( grunts )
HI.
- ( moaning weakly )
- NO.
DON'T TRY TO TALK,
HONEY.
THEY HAD A TUBE
DOWN YOUR THROAT
FOR A LONG TIME.
THE THROAT IS SWOLLEN.
IF YOU TRY TO TALK,
IT'LL HURT.
THEY LEFT A PAD
AND A PENCIL,
SO IF THERE'S
ANYTHING YOU WANT TO SAY,
WRITE IT DOWN.
HERE, SWEETHEART.
DR. ABRAHMS WILL BE BY
TO EXPLAIN
THE OPERATION TO YOU.
I DON'T KNOW
ALL THE DETAILS.
YES, YES, JACK.
THEY TOOK A LOT OF
THE CANCEROUS TISSUE OUT.
- ( moaning )
- NO, HERE.
NO, HONEY, NOT ALL.
ARE YOU IN PAIN?
DO YOU WANT ME
TO GET THE NURSE?
WHAT?
JACK, I DON'T UNDERSTAND.
I DON'T UNDERSTAND.
WRITE IT.
- ( grunts )
- JACK.
NURSE! DOCTOR!
JACK, PLEASE.
DR. ABRAHMS IS HERE.
- WHOA. OKAY,
PUT THAT BACK IN.
- JACK.
- COME ON, JACK.
- COME ON NOW.
- HELP THE DOCTOR,
PLEASE, JACK.
- STOP IT.
YOU'LL TEAR OUT
YOUR STITCHES.
I'LL HELP.
GIVE ME 10mg
OF VALIUM, STAT.
ALL RIGHT, JACK.
PLEASE, JACK.
ALL RIGHT, STOP, STOP.
EASY, EASY.
JACK, CALM DOWN. YOU'RE ONLY
CAUSING YOURSELF PAIN.
- ALL RIGHT.
- JACK.
PLEASE, JACK.
PLEASE, JACK.
OKAY.
- ( grunting )
- EASY.
JACK, PLEASE.
OKAY.
ALL RIGHT, NOW BREATHE.
JUST BREATHE AND
RELAX.
BREATHE AND RELAX.
BREATHE, RELAX.
UM...
YOU CAN GO, NURSE.
ALL RIGHT,
I'M GONNA TELL YOU
STRAIGHT, JACK.
YOU KNEW GOING IN
THAT THE ODDS WEREN'T
THE BEST.
UH, WE--
WE COULDN'T GET IT ALL.
THE MALIGNANCY
HAD SPREAD TOO FAR.
I'M SORRY.
YOU SHOULD HAVE SIX MONTHS,
MAYBE A YEAR.
WHAT I NEED
FROM YOU NOW IS...
I NEED FOR YOU
TO SLEEP.
I'LL BE BY TO SEE YOU
LATER THIS AFTERNOON.
( quietly )
OKAY.
OKAY.
OKAY.
( exhales )
SHIRL...
( inaudible )
( applause on TV)
He's off to a good start.
Madeleine. Here you go...
( knocks on door )
- HI.
- HI.
THEY TELL ME YOU'RE ON
THE HARD STUFF,
SO I BROUGHT YOU
A PASTRAMI SANDWICH.
- JEETER SENT IT.
- THANK YOU.
I KNOW
YOU NEVER GOT A CHANCE
TO EAT THE OTHER ONE.
I BROUGHT YOU
CLEAN PAJAMAS, TOO.
THANK YOU.
AND HOW ARE YOU FEELING?
FINE.
GOOD.
THE DOCTOR SAYS
THAT YOU'LL BE COMING
HOME ON FRIDAY.
HE TOLD ME THAT, TOO.
HI, ROLAND.
HMM.
IT'LL BE HALLOWEEN.
THE KIDS ARE ALL EXCITED
'CAUSE YOU'LL
GET TO SEE THEM
IN THEIR COSTUMES.
JACK, YOU SEEM
SO FAR AWAY.
I DON'T KNOW
WHAT TO SAY TO YOU.
SHIRL, I'VE JUST...
BEEN LYING HERE
THINKING ABOUT MY LIFE.
IT'S ALL SO POINTLESS.
WHAT IS?
THE OPERATION.
GOING HOME.
I'VE BEEN SO BUSY
FOR THE PAST 50 YEARS
TRYING TO WORK...
I DIDN'T EVEN LOOK TO SEE
THAT IT WAS--
THE WHOLE THING
WAS POINTLESS.
- ( moans )
- OH, NOW LISTEN TO ME.
LISTEN TO ME.
EVERYTHING
THAT YOU HAVE DONE
HAS BEEN WORTHWHILE.
YOU KNOW, YOU ALWAYS SAID
THAT PEOPLE DIDN'T
LAUGH ENOUGH.
WELL, YOU'VE MADE
THOUSANDS OF PEOPLE LAUGH,
MILLIONS.
SHIRL, LYING HERE,
I'VE BEEN THINKING A LOT
ABOUT MY LIFE--
THE THINGS I SHOULD HAVE DONE
THAT I DIDN'T DO,
THE THINGS THAT I DID
THAT I DIDN'T MEAN TO DO.
MOST OF ALL...
THE THINGS-- THE CHOICES
THAT I MADE FOR YOU.
I NEVER THOUGHT ABOUT
THERE MIGHT BE A DAY
WHEN I WOULDN'T BE THERE
TO HELP YOU, YOU KNOW?
JACK, STOP IT.
NOW JUST STOP IT.
( sighs )
YOU'RE NOT GOING ANYWHERE.
YOU'RE GONNA BE AROUND
FOR A LONG TIME.
I DID ONE THING THAT...
THAT COULDN'T BE
ANY BETTER.
WHAT WAS THAT?
I MARRIED YOU.
WELL...
I DIDN'T DO TOO BADLY
IN THAT, EITHER, DID I?
I LOVE YOU, LADY.
I LOVE YOU, TOO.
ARE YOU AS TIRED
AS YOU LOOK?
IT'S NOT TIREDNESS,
IT'S HELPLESSNESS.
- MUST BE CATCHING.
- YEAH.
I'VE NEVER
SEEN HIM SO LOW.
IT'S AS IF HIS WHOLE LIFE
DIDN'T MAKE ANY DIFFERENCE.
THAT'S RIDICULOUS.
I KNOW.
I TRIED TO TELL HIM,
BUT HE DOESN'T HEAR ME.
AFTER ALL THE KIDS
YOU GUYS HAVE RAISED?
BUT WHERE ARE THEY?
THEY SHOULD AT LEAST
CALL HIM SO HE KNOWS
THAT THEY HAVEN'T
FORGOTTEN HIM.
I'LL TALK TO JACK.
NO.
HE NEEDS TO HEAR FROM THEM.
THAT'S IT!
I'M GONNA CALL THE KIDS.
WHAT AN IDEA!
WE'LL GIVE JACK ONE HELL
OF A PARTY WHEN HE GETS OUT.
DO YOU KNOW
WHERE ALL THE KIDS ARE?
MOST OF THEM.
JOELLA IS IN DENVER
WITH THE TWO GRANDKIDS.
THE OTHERS-- I'VE GOT
MOST OF THEIR NUMBERS.
THEY'RE ALL OVER
THE COUNTRY.
- WILL YOU HELP ME?
- NAME IT.
OKAY, YOU TAKE HALF.
THEY ALL KNOW YOU.
GIVE ME THAT
CUP OF CHANGE THERE.
THIS WILL COVER
SOME OF YOUR CALLS.
YOU TAKE THE PHONE
ON THE WALL.
Jack:
BEFORE I GO, I THINK
I OWE YOU ONE MORE STORY.
THERE WAS THIS GUY
WHO WENT FISHING
OUT ON THE LAKE,
AND HE TOOK A BIG
BOTTLE OF WHISKEY WITH HIM.
AND HE STARTED TO FISH,
AND HE DIDN'T GET A BITE
ALL DAY LONG.
BY 4:00-- AND HE KEPT
NIPPING AT THE BOTTLE
AND FISHING AND NIPPING.
BY 4:00, HE WAS
PRETTY SMASHED,
AND WITH NO BITES,
HE DECIDED TO ROW IN.
SO HE GOT IN JUST ABOUT
10 FEET FROM THE PIER,
AND A 30-LB BASS
JUMPED RIGHT INTO HIS BOAT,
RIGHT OUT OF THE WATER
INTO THE BOAT-- BANG!
AND HE LIFTED UP THE FISH
AND HE SAYS,
"NO, NO, BUDDY,
IF YOU DON'T BITE,
YOU DON'T RIDE."
AND HE THREW HIM BACK IN.
( chuckles )
HEY...
ARE YOU MAD
'CAUSE I'M LEAVING?
- HMM?
- HMM.
BECAUSE I'M GOING HOME.
LUCKY BASTARD.
- WHAT?
- I SAID YOU'RE
A LUCKY BASTARD.
YEAH, I'M LUCKY.
I'M DYING.
- WHO ISN'T?
- LOOK AT HIM--
NOW THAT I'M LEAVING,
HE'S STARTING TO TALK TO ME.
WELL, SOMEBODY HAS TO.
- WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
- YOU'RE WASTING IT.
FORGET IT.
YOU REALLY
DON'T GET IT, DO YOU?
EVERYBODY'S GONNA DIE,
ONLY YOU,
YOU'RE GOING HOME.
YEAH, I'M--
I'M GOING HOME.
BUT FOR HOW LONG?
- A COUPLE OF MONTHS?
- A LIFETIME!
ROLAND,
THIS CONVERSATION
ISN'T DOING ME ANY GOOD.
THAT'S BECAUSE YOU
DON'T LISTEN TO ANYTHING
BUT YOUR OWN WHINING.
WHAT HAPPENED
TO THE OLD ROLAND I KNEW,
THE ONE THAT LAUGHED
A COUPLE OF TIMES
AT MY STORIES,
BUT MOST OF ALL
HE JUST SAT THERE
AND GRUNTED?
WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?
HMM.
THAT'S MORE LIKE IT.
Shirlee:
JACK IS COMING HOME TODAY.
IT'S HALLOWEEN.
UM...
RALPH AND ALICE ARE GOING
TRICK-OR-TREATING,
AND I THOUGHT MAYBE THAT
YOU'D LIKE TO DRESS UP
AND GO WITH THEM, HUH?
ZOOKY,
WOULDN'T YOU LIKE THAT?
HUH?
OH, I HAVE A WONDERFUL
COSTUME FOR YOU.
YOU COULD PUT ON
SOME OF JACK'S MAKEUP!
OOH, YOU'D BE WONDERFUL!
WHAT DO YOU SAY?
ZOOKY. HMM?
ALL RIGHT, WELL...
HERE.
IF YOU CHANGE YOUR MIND,
WILL YOU LET ME KNOW, HUH?
OKAY.
HEY, LADY, YOU GOT
A SPARE ROOM FOR THE NIGHT?
JEFF?
( laughing )
- OH, MY GOD.
- HI, MOM.
OH, I DIDN'T
RECOGNIZE YOU
WITH THE BEARD.
OH, MY--
HOW DID YOU GET HERE?
- I HITCHED.
- FROM CALIFORNIA?
- YEAH.
- OH, YOU DEVIL.
OH, YOU'RE COLD.
COME ON.
ALL THE KIDS
ARE HERE, ALL OF THEM--
ALMOST ALL OF THEM, ANYWAY.
YOU KNOW THAT AMY CAME,
AND THE BABY?
YEAH, YEAH.
ROLAND,
BEFORE I GO, I WANT TO SAY
I DIDN'T MEAN IT--
YOU KNOW,
ABOUT ALL YOUR GRUNTING.
HMM.
LOOK, I'VE ONLY GOT
A FEW MINUTES.
TALK TO ME.
WHAT'S THERE TO TALK ABOUT?
THAT'S BETTER.
HOW MANY TIMES
YOU HAD VISITORS HERE?
OH...
FOUR, SOMETIMES
FIVE A DAY.
WHY?
ONE DAY YOU HAD 10.
SO?
I'VE BEEN HERE SIX WEEKS.
NOT ONE VISITOR.
ONLY ONE PHONE CALL,
FROM MY MEDICAL INSURANCE.
AND I GOTTA LISTEN TO YOU
TELLING ME
HOW YOUR LIFE IS OVER?
I'LL PROBABLY NEVER LIVE
TO SEE ANYTHING
BUT THIS ROOM
AND THE TOILET.
AND WHEN YOU GO,
THEY'LL GET
SOME OTHER OLD MAN IN HERE,
JUST LIKE ME.
YOU KNOW HOW LONG IT'S BEEN
SINCE ANYBODY
TOLD ME A JOKE?
ROLAND...
I'LL, UH...
I'LL BE BACK
AND VISIT YOU, HUH?
HMM.
YOU'LL BE HOME FIVE MINUTES
WITH YOUR FAMILY,
AND YOU'LL FORGET
I EVEN EXISTED.
OH, COME ON.
NO.
YOU JUST WAIT.
I'LL BE BACK.
DON'T WAIT TOO LONG.
YOU'LL COME IN
TO FIND MY CHART GONE
AND THE SHEETS STARCHED.
ROLAND...
I'M GLAD WE WERE
BUNKMATES.
( knocks on door )
HEY, ROLAND,
I'M BACK AGAIN, HUH?
- COME ON, COME ON.
- WHAT ARE YOU DOING
WITH THAT THING?
IT MAY NOT BE THE GREATEST
DATE IN THE WORLD,
BUT IT'S BETTER
THAN ANOTHER TRIP
TO THE TOILET. COME ON.
COME ON OUT OF THERE.
WHERE'S YOUR
SPIRIT OF ADVENTURE?
WE'RE GONNA ESCAPE
OVER THE WALL,
DOWN TO THE FARMHOUSE,
WATCHING THE FRENCH GIRLS,
UP TO THE PYRENEES,
OVER THE ALPS, COME ON.
- BUT--
- YOU GOT ME WANTING
TO FEEL ALIVE AGAIN.
I DON'T WANNA
WASTE A MINUTE OF IT.
COME ON, COME ON.
OUT, COME ON.
MY FRIEND...
- WAIT A MINUTE.
- ...THE TRAIN'S LEAVING.
- GET YOUR ARMS BACK THERE.
- I DON'T KNOW WHAT
YOU'RE SAYING.
MAYBE THE BEST OFFER
YOU'VE HAD ALL DAY.
( laughs )
- ARE YOU CRAZY, JACK?
- YES, I'M CRAZY.
ALL RIGHT, WHERE TO?
MEN'S CLOTHES?
TOY DEPARTMENT?
LADIES' LINGERIE?
ANYPLACE BUT THE MORGUE.
HERE NOW.
ISN'T THIS A BETTER VIEW
THAN THE ONE YOU GET
FROM YOUR BED?
HMM.
- YOU WARM ENOUGH?
- HMM.
OKAY, MR. T,
YOUR TAXI'S READY.
JACK?
JACK?
12 FLOORS STRAIGHT DOWN.
I WONDER WHAT IT'S LIKE
TO DIE.
I'M NOT DEAD YET.
YOU MUST HAVE THOUGHT
ABOUT IT SOMETIME.
I SUPPOSE IT ISN'T MUCH
LIKE ANYTHING THAT'S
HAPPENED SO FAR.
( chuckles )
HEY! HEY, THERE'S SHIRL
DOWN THERE.
HEY, SHIRL!
SHIRLEE!
SHE CAN'T HEAR ME.
SHE'S PROBABLY WONDERING
WHERE I DISAPPEARED TO.
12 STORIES.
IT'S FURTHER DOWN
THAN I THOUGHT.
WHERE'S JACK?
I DON'T KNOW.
I THOUGHT HE WAS HERE.
- WHAT HAPPENED?
- I WENT TO HIS ROOM,
AND HE WAS GONE.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
DID HE CHECK OUT?
NO, HE JUST WALKED OUT.
NOBODY SAW HIM.
DID YOU LOOK
IN THE CHILDREN'S WARD?
I LOOKED EVERYWHERE.
HE'S GONE.
MAMA, ISN'T JACK
COMING HOME?
I DON'T KNOW, SWEETHEART.
I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING.
COME ON, YOU GUYS.
Jeff:
YOU BE THE LOOKOUT
THIS TIME, OKAY?
ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?
I'M SCARED.
WHAT ARE YOU THINKING?
WHEN WE FOUND OUT
JACK WAS SICK,
I-- I FOUND HIM
LOOKING THROUGH HIS
INSURANCE PAPERS.
WELL, TO PAY
FOR THE HOSPITAL BILLS.
THE ONLY THING
THAT POLICY IS GOOD FOR
IS ACCIDENTAL DEATH.
SHIRL, JACK WOULDN'T DO
ANYTHING LIKE THAT.
SUPPOSE I CAN THINK
OF A WAY
OF SAVING MY FAMILY
THE AGONY
OF WATCHING ME GO
BIT BY BIT.
THEY'D END UP--
END UP WITH 50 GRAND.
YOU'VE GOT A FAST
AND PROFITABLE WAY TO DIE?
WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE?
A COUPLE OF MONTHS
THIS WAY OR THAT WAY,
IT REALLY DOESN'T MATTER.
IF I HAD A CHOICE
FOR DYING TONIGHT
OR NEXT VALENTINE'S DAY,
I'D GO FOR FEBRUARY 14th.
THAT'S THE FUNNY THING
ABOUT LIVING:
YOU NEVER KNOW
IF THE NEXT HOUR
MIGHT BE THE BEST ONE
OF YOUR LIFE.
IT'S ADDICTIVE,
LIKE EATING PEANUTS.
IT'S GETTING COLDER.
HOW ABOUT
A LITTLE ENTERTAINMENT?
( singing
"Thunder and Blazes" )
( gasping )
ROLAND!
ROLAND.
ROLAND, LISTEN,
WHAT'S THE MATTER?
I'LL GET YOU DOWNSTAIRS.
NURSE, PLEASE,
CAN YOU HELP ME?
ROLAND, YOU'RE GONNA BE
ALL RIGHT NOW.
WAIT A MINUTE.
BUDDY, LISTEN TO ME.
YOU'RE GONNA BE ALL RIGHT.
- WHERE HAVE YOU TWO BEEN?
- MISS, NEVER MIND ABOUT
WHERE WE'VE BEEN.
JUST HELP HIM.
HELP HIM.
- STAY WITH HIM.
I'LL GET THE DOCTOR.
- THANK YOU.
LOOK, DON'T DIE.
DON'T DIE, ROLAND.
DON'T DIE.
WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE--
A COUPLE OF MONTHS
MORE OR LESS?
I DIDN'T KNOW
WHAT I WAS DOING.
I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT
I WAS SAYING.
- DOCTOR.
- YES, JACK.
- DOCTOR, IS HE--?
- UH-HUH.
OKAY, ALL RIGHT.
HOLD IT, HOLD IT.
HE'S NOT--?
DOCTOR, HE ISN'T GONNA...
- DIE?
- YEAH.
EVENTUALLY, BUT NOT
IN THE NEAR FUTURE.
ROLAND, YOU'RE GONNA
BE ALL RIGHT.
DID YOU HEAR THAT?
YOU'RE GONNA BE
ALL RIGHT.
HMM.
DO ME A FAVOR.
SURE. ANYTHING,
BUDDY. WHAT?
GO HOME TO YOUR FAMILY.
I NEED TO REST.
YEAH, I'LL GO RIGHT NOW.
I'LL BE BACK TOMORROW.
TAKE GOOD CARE OF HIM,
WILL YOU, DOC? THANKS.
( exhales )
- ( grunting )
- HERE WE GO.
NURSE.
DID YOU HEAR THE ONE
ABOUT THE VERMONT FARMER
AND THE GUY
ON A MOTORCYCLE?
THIS'LL KILL YOU.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
WAITING FOR YOU.
SURPRISE!
( applauding,
cheering )
DONNA. DONNA.
HEY, STEVIE.
HEY, BUDDY.
HEY, BUDDY.
HEY, STU.
HEY.
HEY, JEETER.
HEY, IT'S GOOD TO SEE YOU.
DON'T TAKE LIFE SERIOUSLY,
BABY, RIGHT?
HEY, HEY, CALLIE.
HOW ARE YOU, CALLIE?
HEY, TONY, HEY.
HELLO, FREDDY.
HELLO, BOY.
HEY, JEFF.
HI, SON.
- HOW ARE YOU?
- GOOD.
( playing intro )
Children:
♪ WEAR A SMILE ♪
♪ WHEN YOUR FACE ♪
♪ ISN'T FEELING GOOD ♪
♪ WEAR A SMILE ♪
♪ AND YOU'LL FEEL ♪
♪ LIKE YOU THINK
YOU SHOULD ♪
♪ WHEN YOU SMILE ♪
♪ ALL THE WORLD ♪
♪ SEEMS TO SMILE AT YOU ♪
♪ AND YOUR LIFE ♪
♪ GOES THE WAY ♪
♪ THAT YOU WANT IT TO ♪
♪ IT'S PART
OF THE CLOTHES YOU WEAR ♪
♪ AFTER YOU COMB
YOUR HAIR ♪
♪ PUT ON YOUR SHOES ♪
♪ AND YOUR SMILE ♪
♪ I'M SO GLAD ♪
♪ THAT I'M HERE ♪
♪ AND CAN STAY AWHILE ♪
♪ THERE'S NO NEED ♪
♪ TO APPLAUD ♪
♪ JUST SIT UP
AND SMILE ♪
♪ WHEN TROUBLE LOOKS
DOWN ON YOU ♪
♪ PUSHES A FROWN ON YOU ♪
♪ LIGHT UP THE WORLD ♪
♪ WITH YOUR SMILE ♪
♪ I'M SO GLAD ♪
♪ THAT I'M HERE ♪
♪ AND CAN STAY A WHILE ♪
♪ THERE'S NO NEED ♪
♪ TO APPLAUD ♪
♪ JUST SIT UP AND SMILE ♪
♪ WEAR A SMILE ♪
♪ WHEN YOUR FACE ♪
♪ ISN'T FEELING GOOD ♪
♪ WEAR A SMILE ♪
♪ AND YOU'LL FEEL ♪
♪ LIKE YOU THINK YOU SHOULD ♪
♪ WHEN YOU SMILE ♪
♪ ALL THE WORLD ♪
♪ SEEMS TO SMILE AT YOU ♪
♪ AND YOUR LIFE ♪
♪ GOES THE WAY ♪
♪ THAT YOU WANT IT TO ♪
♪ IT'S PART
OF THE CLOTHES YOU WEAR ♪
♪ AFTER YOU COMB
YOUR HAIR... ♪