Lammbock (2001) - full transcript
German louts Stefan and Kai run a pizzeria, but it's mainly a front for their more lucrative self-grown cannabis trade, allowing them to deliver at home. When the plants get sick, the dealers bring in pest control expert Achim, but that changes everything.
Translated by Ren? Minarski
Additional corrections by Tall Midget
Erika Eleniak was somewhat of a pioneer regarding breast implants, you know?
She got them during the mid-80's
already at that time implants were still bullshit
But Pamela Anderson was smarter, she waited until the mid-90's
Sort of after the "Silicon Revolution"
And she got some real first-rate gourmet hooters. The best there were from the best doctor
The guy was sort of the Mohammed Ali of plastic surgery.
That guy was married to that one actress,
the blonde one... what was her name?
Kim Basinger!
They are divorced now, but never mind
Anyway,
you get my point?
Erika had no problem until the third season
when the directors decided to send the crew travelling
They had Baywatch in Mexico and in Japan and so on
And there the doctors became suspicious
They just knew that the bullshit silicon in Erikas tits
was not designed to sustain pressure fluctuations
Domestic flights were ok
but long distance flights, above 10,000 meters.
The risk was just too high.
So they preferred Pamela Andersons superior implants
That means the only reason why Erika Eleniak got fired was
cause her tits exploded too easily.
- Got it
- Seriously
And that's that
So don't tell me about good acting or style or something
or not?
Right?
mhmm
what "mhmm"?
You gotta have an opinion about that
- Nope, I really don't
- Come on, don't be so boring now
Sorry, I just decided not to talk about such things any more
about what?
About things like which Baywatch babe has more style
It simply has no substance
"No substance?!?"
Yeah!
Aha!
You're just trying to talk about something cool,
and don't care for the meaning.
I know you made the story up.
Thought it's pretty clever, so you want to tell it.
And you tell me just like that!
And that's alright...
...but we don't need to talk about that for hours.
Ok, sorry, ok.
So what do you want to talk about?
- Don't know!
- Oh you don't know?!?
You know what you don't want to talk about
...but you don't know what you want to talk about...
...What do you want to talk about? Tell me
...well...about something important...
...problems of real life.
..."problems of real life"?
- Yes
- Dude
What?
Nothing
Yes
Well, it's alright.
When did you think about that?
Just before
Aha! Just before, while I was rolling a joint...
...you thought: OK from now on I talk about real life problems...
Yep
...completely spontaneous...
Dude, you're a freak sometimes.
Cool!!!
Hey
Hello
Gina, we have to talk.
What is it?
I think we have to break up
I think I can't remain faithful while you're away.
I could tell you some fake reasons..
...but you deserve honesty...
...It's your hygiene.
Excuse me?
You don't take care of yourself anymore.
You sweat like a pig.
Do you still shower at all?
Certain body parts are simply disgusting!
Call me hypersensitive
But I just can't stand it anymore.
It's nice what stories you can come up with.
As a matter of fact I am sitting here doing something...
...clean up...,
all you do is get stoned.
For a while it was funny, but...
...I don't want that circus anymore.
And actually I never planned to ever come back from America
I met somebody there...
...Josef...
...he's a broker...
...hard working, pays attention, charming...
...black too!
and for the Future:
Women can have vaginal orgasms!
Josef? Black?
That was a top-notch story.
The beginning was really good
It was much better than your cheap story
But then "vaginal orgasms"? Come on
You just can't stand losing
- Take your shirt off
- oh no
oh yes
But not a big one, ok?
A normal one, that's the deal.
Come on!
Give it to me!
Give it to me!!!
Hey, this is no campsite!
Shut up! Fucking cunt!
Can this guy say one normal sentence?
Frank! Countenance
Hey, Kai
What the hell?
Why do you let these potheads hang out here?
No!!
When we come back you're gone, alright?
Oh shit!!!
Fuck!!!
We don't leave for too long, ok?
- OK
- I have to study
"I have to study"
Hey, I got an exam in 2 months.
Oh and I keep you from learning?
- I could use a little support....
- I told you...
- ...a little support.
...I told you I can do this alone.
And besides I support you as much as I can.
Oh is that so?
And how?
I....I....
when you're done studying...
I'll pick you up
And serve you a gourmet pizza, as a sign of my respect.
- How thoughtful.
- That's how much you mean to me.
You care so much.
I do indeed.
THE INFILTRATION
Dealing is dangerous.
My father just sentenced one guy for 3 years
for possession of 100 grams.
100 grams?
3 years?
Yes
You dad is a nice guy, but sometimes he's a fucking Nazi.
- Don't you think the high stand looks in use?
- I won't answer that anymore.
Look in the top corner there is some moss scratched off.
Yea there is some moss scratched off your brain.
We investigated the place, it's out of order!
I don't know.
Be happy! Everything is fine, everything grows.
Everything is well hidden
Plenty of sunlight
Good soil...
- Stefan
- What?
Greenflies
Greenflies?!?!
Yes greenflies!!! Check this out!!!
They are everywhere.
Shit
Vinegar should help
What?
Vinegar helps
- Vinegar?!?
- Yes.
You mean vinegar?!?
We can't just experiment with vinegar on our crops.
We need serious help.
Useful plant or ornamental plant?
Flower, bush, herbaceous plant...?
Useful plant.
Definitely useful.
- You think it's herbaceous?
- How the hell should I know.
Listen, is this a pharmacy or what?
We need something against greenflies.
Can't be so hard, can it?
You need to plan carefully.
Without knowing the name of the plant I can't help you.
Thank you, we will try somewhere else.
Now you listen to me!
I won't bend down in front of some "florist codex"...
...You can't treat people like that!
Of course we go in there.
Stefan! Listen, ok?
People in those shops have no style, Ok?
They study new age spirituality,
and fuck chicks with hairy arm pits.
I never hung out with those clich? potheads and I won't start now, ok?
Stefan, wait.
Stefan.
Let's take off, did you see that guy?
No way!
Let's just ask, ok?
Don't be so intolerant.
- No way!
- Think about the greenflies
OK let's go.
Excuse me, I might be able to help you.
I also grow crops.
Grow what?
Yea alright, well I can tell you there is a cure for greenflies.
Especially for big plants.
The stereotype of political left wingers as fucked up potheads is old fashioned.
THC abuse exists in all professions
...all social classes,
and all ages...
The aim is:
"Know your enemy"
Aphidoteles aphidimyza, r?uberische Gallm?cken-
a secret weapon.
One larvae kills up to 50 greenflies and then takes off.
No problem for the plant.
Where do you know that from?
Well when you do this business professionally
you have to teach yourself some things.
I'm a fan of zero-zero.
That's dank stuff.
You know zero-zero?
- Yea of course
- Back then
You have to be able to roll a joint.
But even more important is the presentation.
"Awesome shit man"
Nonsense, nobody talks like that anymore.
Only social pedagogues and teachers
This shit kicks better than Mehmet Scholl.
Trying too hard.
No this dope....my dear friends.
This dope is the deluxe version.
This dope is...
"Die Jacobs-Kr?nung des THC"
"Die Jacobs-Kr?nung des THC"?
If I smoke another one now I can't study anymore.
"If I smoke another one now I can't study anymore"
Alright one more.
And that is the only reason why she was fired.
I say that theory is bollocks.
- Air planes have pressure cabins...
- So what?
Sorry guys but Kai has got a point.
Have you ever heard of the porn star Karla Kowalcyk?
Called "Karla Super Fist", breast perimeter 142 cm.
- "Four Fists for One Hallelujah"...
- ...was her last movie.
Karla was a customer of my cousin Dominik,
He was sort of her pimp.
Domino is a little weird but honest.
He always took care of her...
...especially since he made sure she traveled only in
small planes that fly low.
But on the way to her shooting for
"The Super Fist Hits Again" it happened...
Karla misses her flight...
...but she never wanted to miss an appointment
and so she takes a Boeing 737.
And then?
When the plane reached its final height it happened.
The entire business class was messed up...
And the super fist never hit again.
Makes sense.
Man that is a sad story, don't you think?
What's wrong?
- Haaalooo?
- I'm black and white.
You're what?
Look I'm black and white man.
That's not funny man, I'm black and white!
He's black and white.
Zero-zero, sometimes it even kicks in late.
One of my buddies didn't feel anything for 3 days.
Then the devil appeared to him...
...sat in front of his bed, and watched him.
Seriously!
Did you hear that, Stefan?
Wanna smoke another one?
STEFANS' LITTLE SISTER
Don't panic, go do the AIDS test now
and you show some optimism.
Kai, I'm showing realism.
That guys girlfriend is HIV positive.
Don't think I'm just trying to make myself important, ok?
But I slept with him without a condom and his girlfriend is HIV positive.
That is pretty frightening.
Well I know one thing for sure.
If that test is negative I will never cheat on Tim again.
All this cheating sucks anyway.
30 of minutes fun and a months long bad conscience.
3 months of hell.
3 months?
It takes that long to detect HIV.
During that time I didn't sleep with Tim.
What?
3 months?
Well sure, what else should I do?
And what did he say?
I told him I had an infection and that was ok for him.
Ok for him?
3 months?
Get over it, ok?
I know you think he's a jerk
but I was ok with it too.
You got a code name for the test?
Hmm?
A code name for the test.
Nope, i'll think of one later.
What is that?
That's important, you have to think of that before.
What if you can't think of any?
Then you say your name is "funny bee".
You can't do that.
I guess you have one already?
Yes. Yes...
...I thought about it for a long time.
...it's like that...
...it's gotta be a cool name.
Not aggressively cool...
...but the coolness has to be underneath the surface?
Got it?
Mr Pink.
Mr Pink?
Mr Pink, you know?
From "Reservoir Dogs", the movie, you know?
Yea, Mr Pink...
A cool name for a cool character, right?
And it's got some sort of understatement...
...cause the movie is not that famous.
I need some information for statistics.
First you need one code name.
Mr Pink!
One word only please.
What do you mean?
Am I not speaking German?
One word only!
Well "Pink" then.
"Pink", alright.
I suppose I don't need to ask about your sexual habits.
The test takes 30 minutes.
You can get the results here then.
"Sexual habits", that stupid bi...
I should have said "?ugeln".
30 more minutes.
Shit.
I know what to do in the meantime.
If that shit breaks out I will go away immediately.
Somewhere in the south.
I'll get an inflatable mattress and 2 bottles of rum...
...and paddle out into the pacific.
Then I drink until I pass out,
and slip into the sea.
That way the fish get food,
my family has no bad conscience...
...and I can get drunk,...
...I'm definitely not gonna die of AIDS.
More like from asthma, eh?
A pity...
Don't exhale.
That's what I call a shottie, wasn't it?
Laura...
Hey I'm "negative" you're "negative".
We are both "negative"!
Show some enthusiasm!
Be happy!
I can't I'm too stoned.
Sorry.
Man I... I'm so horny.
Uuu!
So Tim has something to look forward to...
...for his surprise party tonight.
Ahm!
"Ahm"!
Thanks for coming with me.
I'll never do that again.
- You were a big help.
- But still, I'll never do that again.
By the way...
...what the hell is "?ugeln"?
I can't believe you told her that.
Come on Kai!
What can I say, Dopex...you know I am an aesthete.
You?ve known Laura since she was a kid.
You have a responsibility for her.
Man sometimes you're a real motherfucker.
This fucking "dissing around" all the time.
What did you just say?
Did you listen to me?
How can you tell my little sister about "?ugeln"?
Did you hear what he just called me?
He called me a "Motherfucker"...
Really? Seriously?
Yes
Sorry Dopex, but saying "motherfucker" is just...
embarrassing.
I mean it would be ok,
but when the rest is this "homeboy style" stereotype shit...
And pack in your shit.
I told you a thousand times that you should not bring your stuff here.
Talking about style.
What style is that to tell my little sister about "?ugeln"?
You can't do that, she is still a child!
He's coming
THE SUPRISE PARTY
He puts his bag down...
Gets a drink...
What is he doing?
A vacuum cleaner?
He is vacuuming?
On his bloody birthday?
Screw it, we go up, but be quiet.
Who are these hairy bitches?
Come on let's go somewhere else.
He is actually quite alright,
just a little messed up.
Tourette's syndrome or something like that.
He can't say one sentence without swearing.
If he smokes pot it's better, but without pot...
Now that I think about it. Maybe he just fakes it
so that people give him pot.
What's going on?
Tim said you're here. The party is cancelled...
- I'm getting a drink
- Me too
Tim masturbated with his vacuum cleaner.
His vacuum cleaner?
Yea. He somehow got surprised...
...and then he stood there with the thing.
And sort of...
slipped his dick into it and got stuck in the underpressure.
And that's when things became humiliating.
Until somebody had a good idea.
What's with my sister now?
Well I immediately brought her here...
...before things could get any worse.
Hey little sis.
You alright?
Don't drink too much, ok?
I'm better already.
- One more?
- Definitely
See Dopex? So crappy that it is cool again.
That is true style.
You know, Laura?
I think I love you a little bit.
Yea, that's ok.
Are you alright in there?
Where is Stefan?
He went home. Gina is leaving tomorrow.
I wanna go home too.
Pretty embarrassing thing with Tim, eh?
Weird, I decide not to cheat on him anymore.
And then I catch him cheating on me.
...with his vacuum cleaner...
- Want a shottie?
- We have nothing to smoke.
What?
Shit, I shouldn't have done that.
No it's ok.
Sorry...
...it's not your fault.
You don't have to apologize now.
It was a long day today.
Gotta go.
3 months without a girlfriend.
It's gonna be awesome for you.
Why's that?
Who was the one who said...
...I enjoy being together with my girl the most when she is not there?
That was before.
Oh I see
With Gina everything changed.
- Really
- Yea of course
- What?
- Yea sure
This woman has everything that I need.
It's all about different things.
Totally different.
We are about solidarity...
...and honesty.
Yes
- What?
- Nothing.
LIMBO - PARTY
What are you doing here?
Hi Stefan!
Hi
Sorry, I hope I didn't disturb...
No, no problem. What are you doing here?
I thought you were in Berlin?
I'm visiting my parents, just for a few days.
Hello
Have a seat. You want a drink?
Water please.
- So what's up?
- I'm fine
- And you?
- Good, can't complain.
- Where is Kai?
- Still sleeping.
But you're still doing this together, right?
Sure, you know Kai. He needs attention.
- Still so bad?
- Yea.
He smokes pot even when he?s on the toilet.
He said it's better for the digestion.
Thanks
You study law?
What's with your plans to open a beach caf??
Ah forget that.
It was nonsense.
But you got it all checked out,
just had to get on the plane...
I'll finish my education first.
Then I will see what will be next.
But it was always your thing. Going somewhere nice.
Sea, beach, palms, building up your own existence.
Well, tell me a little about you. How are you?
Excellent, the studies are going great.
And I will go to London for my masters.
London?
Congratulations.
Thanks
And that's why I'm here.
I wanna throw a little party...
...with the people from way back...
...you're invited of course...
...and I wanted to order some drugs from you.
What do you want to order?
Drugs. You heard me.
Drugs? You?
What for?
Excellent question.
Sure,
what do you want?
Schoof, bio-skunk, Superwahnsinn.
Mann, Mann, Mann, Mann!
Fitting for a good farewell party.
Aren't you afraid that you'll never leave this place?
Why? It's nice here.
Three Superwahnsinn...
...bioskunk, schoof.
She knew a lot about drugs suddenly.
I just want you to question this strange metamorphosis.
Shit, it's still full of greenflies.
Cause then you'd see that it was nothing but show.
- Fucking greenflies
- Just show
She only came to show me how great she turned out.
It's a scandal
And why? Because she still loves me.
That's a fact.
But she is without a chance.
Cheat on Gina because of her. That's totally crazy.
Oh come on, you've been nagging about that all day.
What? Sorry that I am talking about something personal for once.
That's not the point. I believe that you wouldn't cheat.
So what are we talking about?
The thing is that I could cheat.
I mean I am not, but I could be.
But I don't think that I am asking for too much...
...when I want you to show some interest in my situation.
So, why is there the possibility that you might cheat on her?
Well...
...Gina is pretty cool
But Jenny also has advantages.
- Sex!
- Sex.
- For example.
- Aha.
Jenny, she was terrific in bed.
...but with Gina...
...I didn't even get a boner in the beginning.
Why?s that?
That is exactly what I am trying to tell you.
Jenny I met at the night club, right?
And she's always more of a fashionable girl.
But Gina...I knew her before already...
and she was a friend.
That is the problem.
The transition between friend and sex object.
Imagine you go out and have fun
and afterwards you're in bed and she is giving you a blow job.
Would you let a friend suck your dick?
If he is pretty.
You're killing me. Stop it.
But are you getting the problem?
You see why there is at least one reason to cheat?
- Yea alright but you're not going to.
- Yes of course not.
Well then everything is alright, christ!
Asshole!
Come on.
Pussy!
Asshole, give it to me!
Boner!
Achim my friend. I have to say
your strange flies...
...are just sunbathing and nothing else.
Sun? I thought you're growing indoors with a sunray lamp?!?
Sunray lamp?
These aren't just two plants in the bathroom...
...for our crops you don't need a sunray lamp,
you need an entire galaxy.
- I see
- Yes
Well outdoors these flies won't help.
In that case we need a new strategy.
He's harmless.
Limboooooooooo!!!
Hey!
How low can you go?!?!?!
Hey!
How low can you go?!?!?!
So what now?
- For me?
- You want one?
Thanks. Cheers.
Back in the days we never partied together like that
Back then you were different.
Friends?
Friends?!?!
Thanks
Are you alright?
No, nothing is alright.
I don't get it.
Kai, do I have...
...cellulitis...?
No, you're a top class woman.
That's not the reason.
You can't get a boner, and my
ex-boyfriend gets a blowjob from his vacuum cleaner.
Great "top class woman"
Did you never get it, who was the reason
why all my relationships didn't work out?.
I never wanted to tell you that.
Sorry.
What are you afraid of, Kai?
I'm not afraid.
I just want things to stay the way they are.
Hey pussys!!! Limbo!!!
Shit!!!
You can go.
Really?
Seriously?!?!
Is there anything left to smoke?
Mann, Mann, Mann, Achim
Sleeping bags are in the hallway. I'm going to sleep.
Good night.
Did you see that look she gave me?
Honesty...true loyalty...
Jenny! Can I come in?
That thing between us never really stopped, right?
I got a headache.
Good morning
Good morning. Get out of my bed now.
Breakfast
THE ZERO-ZERO DISASTER
"Hit him with full strength. That hurt."
"Gets the ball just like that."
You really want to take Achim to the plantation?
Well we hardly know the guy.
Are you afraid he's gonna turn us in, or what?.
That huge plantation can get us into jail.
Don't be silly. Achim smokes more than the both of us together,
plus he knows about growing.
Shit! Always the same, you distracted me with your damn paranoia.
Some people just can't lose.
"Some people just can't lose."
- Want another zero-zero?
- Come on one more.
- One more and I kick your ass.
Did you manipulate something about the level?
Who is that now?
Damn, it's my father! Quick!
Hello Kai
Hey daddy
It smells sweet in here.
It's just this stuff, the air was bad.
So how is your stomach?
Much better already, thanks.
I see
Optimistic for your exam?
Yea, yea the stomach thing was a little problematic.
But I'll be alright.
You have to work hard now.
Life is not one big party.
By the way, Dr. Kollmann is coming over for dinner the night after tomorrow.
He runs the biggest office in town.
Kollmann, yea I know, of course.
Maybe you can drop by?
He might be able to do something for you.
A little "vitamin B", can't be bad to get some contacts...
Stefan! What the hell?
What's that?
Just stomach medicine. It's really...
I started feeling sick again.
I think I drank 10 liters of water already.
- Did it work?
- Apparently
Good hint with the water.
I don't feel anything so far.
The cops busted Dopex with 2 grams of cocaine in his car.
What? I knew it. I knew it!
Shit!
Dopex, remember?
The guy I showed you at the party.
Yea I remember.
Stefan, what are you doing?
Are you nuts?
Our entire supply.
You flushed 1 kg gourmet dope down the toilet.
Dopex got busted.
If he tells them names they are going to search our place.
What then?
Just shut up.
You messed everything up.
Of course you don't care. You get all your money from mommy.
But I'm gonna be somebody. I'll be a lawyer.
And I don't want to end up
like the two retards out there in the bus!
- Nice start Bullmann!
- It's nothing compared to that home delivery service.
Possible, but you have to get us evidence.
A few grams from the pocket are not enough.
Bring real bulletproof evidence.
The more the better.
- So you want to follow in your fathers footsteps?
- I think so.
Well that is a challenge.
Your fathers career is quite impressing.
May I introduce you to my daughter Laura?
- Hello
- Good evening
Are you insane?
I'm sorry, just a nervous reflex...
I think I will specialize in criminal law.
I know it's pretty crowded,
but it's a chance to get ahead quickly.
Very determined, I like that.
- Is your girlfriend doing law too?
- Hmm?
If you have a girlfriend.
Gina does economics,
she is abroad right now.
She is..uhm...she is in the USA.
Doing an internship, for 3 months.
Gina is very hard working.
She gets things done.
- Mama!
- What is it?
- I wanna go play.
- Ok.
Your father told me you finance your studies by yourself?
Yea he works in a pizzeria.
Seems to be a well paying business.
You should see the car he is driving.
So where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Well, uhm...
...we'll see...
Don't be so shy!
He always wanted to be a lawyer.
- Not easy.
- But if you really want it you can do it.
The most important thing is to have clear goals in life.
And for you the only goal can be an excellent degree.
And then you can come to my office.
When will you be ready?
Takes a little longer.
- What semester are you in now?
- 10th
He is doing his exam now.
- Then it's about time for you now, eh?
- Hmm
Stefan! You wanna go get some fresh air?
I'll open the window.
- What is it with you?
- Stefan! Talk to us!
Stefan!
Take that brat away.
That's not a child it's the devil.
What are you talking about?
THE BRAIN CELL MASSACRE
Didn't they look different in the mushroom book?
You were supposed to look them up.
small...white lamella,...
...that should do it.
- That is just the right approach for picking mushrooms.
- Come on, we had the best dope in town, and now all we got are...
...these instant mushrooms.
Mushrooms on a pizza, nobody will bust us for that...
...the best future investment.
I hope they kick in.
We can test them.
That is being used in Kazachian plantations.
So don't get your noses too deep into it.
Why?
You know what the Polish call that stuff?
Brain cell massacre
"Brain cell massacre"?
Oh by the way...
Kai and I had some of these earlier.
A little more life enhancement for the garden work.
I can solve your greenfly problem.
Apart from that, great plants.
- Let's harvest
- What?
Look at the high stand. It's too obvious,
It?s a miracle nobody has discovered the crops yet.
- what are you talking about?
If we wait 2 weeks longer...
...we will have 30% more
- I don't care
- Are you nuts? What's your problem?
- We harvest
And why did Achim bring the brain cell massacre?
I made a choice, spontaneous. The crops have to go.
Spontaneous. Spontaneous you also destroyed all our supplies.
That's nonsense
Right Achim? Right?
Say something, man.
That's your choice.
You can harvest now if you want.
"Well we can harvest if we want" great.
Well alright, let's harvest.
Was there something?
There was something. Be quiet.
I can't hear anything. Stop your damn paranoia!
Hello?
Stefan! Stefan!
I don't know what's going on with him.
- There is a hunter
- Shut up
What's going on with you?
- Small white lamella should do it, eh?
- Sorry, little mistake.
- "A little mistake?
- Yes, sorry.
- Keep his mouth closed.
- No he's spitting.
Stefan, Stefan! I can't hold him back.
The brain cell massacre
Stefan, no. You can't do that!
It's dangerous! Who knows what it'll do to him!
You can't do that man!
Hello?
Oh Shit.
Hide him.
Hello?
Everything alright?
- He puked up the mushrooms?
- Yes, but who knows what the brain cell massacre is still doing to him.
- Let's get him to a hospital.
- Yes
- I'll get the rest.
Freeze
Calm down. It's not what you think.
One move and I shoot.
- Are you crazy?
- Put him in the car.
We can't, we need the car for Achim.
He saw the dope. Put him in the trunk.
Look what you've done.
Always the same shit.
Shouldn't we bring them to the hospital?
To the hospital?
When he wakes up he will remember everything.
- We gotta get rid of the hunter somehow.
- Get rid of? You wanna kill him or what?
Are you completely crazy now?
This ain't no damn gangster movie.
Hey you said we should get rid of him,
I said we bring him to the hospital.
- You know what I mean.
- No I don't
I don't know how to get rid of somebody
without getting rid of him.
Kai. Shut up now, I have to think.
"And here are the results of the Bundesliga games:
SC Freiburg - Werder Bremen 2:1...
...Borussia Dortmund - 1860 M?nchen 1:3...
...Bayer Leverkusen loses against FC Bayern M?nchen 0:3,
all three goals were scored by Mehmet Scholl..."
Mehmet is pretty hot at the moment, eh?
...Mehmet......hot.
No no, Mehmet is not hot, Mehmet is glowing.
They are thinking about coating the stadium
with teflon so that he won't stick.
I think Mehmet is the only guy in the world...
...that I'd give a blow job.
Seriously
Mehmet has style, and he looks handsome.
...good legs, good body, good face...
I'm not saying that you won't do it, but...
...maybe Mehmet Scholl wouldn't be the only guy that you'd give a blowjob.
What? No, don't get me wrong...
...I'd never suck anybodies dick.
I'm only saying if....
...if then only Mehmet.
Ok, alright.
Imagine you'd really give him a blowjob.
And imagine his dick is really good.
You'd do it one, twice, three, four, five,...
probably ten times.
...but at the 11th time you'd hear this slight knocking...
...in your head...
....from the inside....
...and you know why?
- You'll tell me.
- Yea I'll tell you.
Because in your head lives a little man,...
...who knocks against your skull from the inside...
...harder and harder and harder.
Until it sounds as if he's hammering "BAM BAM"...
...against your synapses.
And when you raise your head between Mehmets legs for the 20th time...
...then you'll start listening to the little man...
...You'd listen, and you know what he says?
- What?
He'd say: "Stefan, listen Mehmets dick is pretty good,...
...but are you sure that it's really the best?"
Yea, you laugh. Aren't there much better...
...nicer and bigger dicks in the world?"
And you'd think, and at some point you'd do it...
...you'd suck them all. ...
...you'd suck the big, the small, the yellow, the black, the green, the red...
- Yea I got it!
Ok, alright. Then you'd suck them all,
always searching for the ultimate dick.
Going from one dick to another.
But the reason is not that you like sucking dick,
the reason is a different one, you know it?
The reason is the little man living in your head...
...the little "I'm never satisfied" man lives in your head...
cause you're never happy with what you have
or what you're doing.
- Awesome theory.
- Yea it's a fact.
With Jenny you can't smoke pot,
with Gina you can't fuck...
...when we're sitting in the pizzeria you should be studying.
When we're together getting stoned you always think about your studies.
The little "I'm never satisfied" man is sitting in your head...
...and therefore Mehmet Scholls' dick
would never be the only one you'd suck.
- Awesome thanks.
- You're welcome
You know sometimes I think...
...if I really would have done my beach cafe...
...and everything would have gone excellent...
...sun, beach, my own existence...
But then if you realize that you're still not happy.
That would be horrible.
So it's nice having an excuse for not being happy.
Yea it's also good to have an excuse for sucking dick.
Basically the only problem is that we don't have any problem.
Oh shit
Shit
Ok, stay cool.
Shit, it's over man.
Stay calm.
Step out of the car.
Alright guys.
If I search your glove compartment, what will I find?
Condoms or weed?
- Excuse me?
- What are two guys doing in the middle of the night
out on the fields?
Either they fuck or they smoke a joint.
- I have no idea what you're talking about.
- It's alright guys.
I am ok with that.
Better to smoke a joint every now and then,...
...than getting drunk all the time.
- With dealers I have no mercy.
- That's right.
- But personal use is ok.
- Yes
- There you go
- Thanks
- Just open the trunk please.
- Why?
Just routine procedure.
Well I can tell you what's in there, 2 corpses and 3 kg drugs.
Oh that joke is old.
You fucking pigs!
Fucker
-I'm sorry, he can't help it.
-Pig pussys!
- He's got one of these mental disorders.
- Tourette?s, right?
- Exactly
- Doesn't he have his pills?
He forgot them at home.
((Gay dogs!))
I told him to take them but he forgot.
((Asshole, you monkey dicks!))
He should take them quickly.
I hope it's no problem with insulting an officer?
((Fat pussys!))
No problem, he doesn't know what he's doing.
Just like when you're completely drunk.
((Motherfuckers! Dirty damn Nazi-communists!))
Interesting, what is the blood alcohol limit for that?
((Pigs!))
Around 2 parts per thousand.
But now it's about time you take him home.
?ugler!
"Nazi-communists. Motherfuckers."
"Nazi-communists. Motherfuckers."
"Gay dogs?"
Dude!
By the way, they gave me an idea.
And if he still remembers?
The cop didn't say anything about amnesia?
They won't believe him.
Plus they will think it's an excuse anyway,
cause he got drunk and screwed things up.
The cops will find him in his car.
Off the road, and hammered drunk.
- They will find him??
- Sure, we will call anonymously.
Yea alright.
- Ok, put the head on your shoulder.
- Ok.
Fill him up.
- Open up.
- There you go.
- Did he swallow it?
- Don't know.
Ach, shit.
Once again. Further back with the head.
Further.
Open wide.
Yea now he's got it.
Shit, that's not working.
It's all going down the windpipe.
We have to put it in his gullet.
How's that gonna work?
Pick him up.
Which one is the gullet? Right or left?
How should I know?
You can't stick a hose down his throat.
- Got any better idea?
- No but...no.
- Right or left?
- Don't know, right?
- Or maybe left?
- Come on pick a choice.
We divide the responsibility.
You tell me where and I stick it in.
- OK: right.
- Right it is.
- Or maybe left?
- Oh come on, just tell me where!
- Left
- Left?
- Yes left.
Left it is then.
- I didn't know unconscious people can puke.
- Yea they can. Bon Scott died choking on his own vomit.
The stomach should be empty now, right?
- Alright, right or left?
- Right.
- Who was Bon Scott anyway?
- The former singer of AC/DC.
- So, since when do you like AC/DC?
- I don't.
- 38% alcohol, is that 2 parts per thousand already?
- We better be sure.
So that was it?
Yes
Wanna smoke a joint?
- The crops are in the trunk?
- Yea we can take that.
Alright guys. Narcotics Division.
THE UNMASKING
I can remember a game where Mehmet got disqualified...
...he really provoked it. Saw a yellow card but he just didn't stop...
And when Bayern receives a goal.
He just kicked down his opponent from behind and gets the red card.
And what does Mehmet do?
Mehmet calms down immediately.
He leaves the field without protest and accepts his punishment.
Cause he just knows that he went too far this time.
Ok, now we got a serious problem.
- Open the trunk.
- No.
- That's a police officer.
Exactly, and if you let him out we go to jail. Stop it.
It's through, it's over.
I can't stand this anymore!
Stefan! Don't panic, first...
Stop it!
First we see what options we have, ok?
Options? What options do we have left?
You're nuts, we're not going to do this.
We agree that we can't hurt him right?
So we got only one option.
We have to talk to a professional lawyer.
A judge. A judge like your father,
who would do everything to get his son out of this shit.
- Completely normal, eh?
- I won't do it. I'm not going in there. We won't do that!
OK, listen.
It's the 90th minute. We're one goal down.
The damn game is pretty much lost.
We have only one last chance.
If we take that we might make it to overtime, ok?
Maybe we get a fucking golden goal.
Then we still have only lost...
...but you just want to wait here for the whistle?
I tell you one thing: Mehmet would have tried.
Are you not getting this?
We're sitting here. Back in the trunk is....
...and you have the nerves to come up
with a fucking golden goal theory?
Don't you get it that this is exactly the bullshit that got us here?
What do you mean by that?
I mean all this hanging around. Talking "stylish" nonsense, smoking pot all the time...
All that "cool" bullshit.
Listen, we're not cool.
You and me are not cool.
We're two losers hanging out in a crappy pizzeria...
...dilettantes dealing dope...
...and having our lives completely messed up now.
Man, we could have killed him.
You..you're not getting it.
You little ignorant loudmouth, you just don't get it.
You don't get it.
I just can't believe that I joined you in your bullshit for all that time.
Did I force you into anything?
You could have left at any time. No problem.
So don't blame me alone for all that shit, ok?
You're a coward.
You want to change your life? Go ahead change it.
You're always whining. Always complaining about things,...
...about Franka, about Sch?ngeist,
and how fucked up they are.
You're right, but you know what?
They are fucked up, but with conviction.
And therefore they have a thousand times more class than you,
because they believe in what they're doing.
and you?
You still sit here whining around instead of getting up off your ass.
Seems like you're not getting that. They'll put you away.
Going to jail. Picture that.
You think daddy will finally be proud of you then?
Alright boys. Tell me what happened.
Well...
The pizzeria, where we work...
Is not really about pizza...
...that is just a cover.
In fact we sell drugs from there.
...hash, marihuana...
-...bioskunk...
...anything...
The customers order on the phone, and we deliver to their home.
No hard drugs, only cannabis products.
We sold so far...
...20 kilo altogether.
I guess.
A few weeks ago an undercover detective infiltrated our business.
- He didn't reveal his cover cause he wanted to get our sources.
- You know what that means?
Wait, that's not the whole truth yet.
Yesterday we took him to the plantation.
After we harvested about 3 kilo weed...
...he tried to bust us, in flagranti.
- Wait, there is still more.
- Of course, excuse me.
So when he wanted to bust us we grabbed him...
...and put him in the trunk of my BMW.
And he is still in there now.
And the car is parked outside in the driveway.
That's it.
I have an old friend back from my days as public prosecutor.
And how are you planning to keep your man quiet?
I threatened him with disciplinary proceedings.
Suppression of evidence, unlawful methods...
And if he still talks nobody will believe him.
You know how many black sheep we have in our own ranks.
- Again, thank you for everything.
- No problem
I have kids myself.
The 3 kilo? In the car? Good.
Dad really hauled him over the coals that night.
He said if he fails his exam all hell is gonna break loose.
Since then he completely seals himself off and studies.
I wonder how he is doing.
I called Gina a few days ago and told her that it's over.
She got an American guy now.
That slut.
He didn't keep in touch with you?
You may now start the exam.
Why don't you call him?
Want a shottie?
I got to deliver these, ok?
It's weird that I didn't have to think about my father.
Or about the fact that I now pick a so-called "choice for life".
No. When I slowly began to like the idea
to just not finish the exam...
...I had to think about Kai...
...and the theories he would have made up
about all these weirdos here.
They will say that I should have planned my departure
a little more spectacularly...
...rip up my paper or something.
But that would have been too theatrical.
You should always keep a certain style.
- Hi
- Hi
You know, I just happened to be in the area, so I thought...
That's nice
- Unfortunately I'm in a bit of a hurry.
- Why?
Gotta go home to pack my things.
I want to go to the airport.
Seriously?
Well I can give you a ride, if you want.
Don't you want to cut it?
- Why?
- Well why do you think? I surely wasn't going to eat it.
By the way, you know what I read the other day?
Eleniak, you know?
She got fired in Baywatch only because,...
...cause she was nagging about Hasselhoff all the time...
Yea
- You were wrong man.
- Alright, ok.
- But I did it with style, right?
- That's right
Additional corrections by Tall Midget
Erika Eleniak was somewhat of a pioneer regarding breast implants, you know?
She got them during the mid-80's
already at that time implants were still bullshit
But Pamela Anderson was smarter, she waited until the mid-90's
Sort of after the "Silicon Revolution"
And she got some real first-rate gourmet hooters. The best there were from the best doctor
The guy was sort of the Mohammed Ali of plastic surgery.
That guy was married to that one actress,
the blonde one... what was her name?
Kim Basinger!
They are divorced now, but never mind
Anyway,
you get my point?
Erika had no problem until the third season
when the directors decided to send the crew travelling
They had Baywatch in Mexico and in Japan and so on
And there the doctors became suspicious
They just knew that the bullshit silicon in Erikas tits
was not designed to sustain pressure fluctuations
Domestic flights were ok
but long distance flights, above 10,000 meters.
The risk was just too high.
So they preferred Pamela Andersons superior implants
That means the only reason why Erika Eleniak got fired was
cause her tits exploded too easily.
- Got it
- Seriously
And that's that
So don't tell me about good acting or style or something
or not?
Right?
mhmm
what "mhmm"?
You gotta have an opinion about that
- Nope, I really don't
- Come on, don't be so boring now
Sorry, I just decided not to talk about such things any more
about what?
About things like which Baywatch babe has more style
It simply has no substance
"No substance?!?"
Yeah!
Aha!
You're just trying to talk about something cool,
and don't care for the meaning.
I know you made the story up.
Thought it's pretty clever, so you want to tell it.
And you tell me just like that!
And that's alright...
...but we don't need to talk about that for hours.
Ok, sorry, ok.
So what do you want to talk about?
- Don't know!
- Oh you don't know?!?
You know what you don't want to talk about
...but you don't know what you want to talk about...
...What do you want to talk about? Tell me
...well...about something important...
...problems of real life.
..."problems of real life"?
- Yes
- Dude
What?
Nothing
Yes
Well, it's alright.
When did you think about that?
Just before
Aha! Just before, while I was rolling a joint...
...you thought: OK from now on I talk about real life problems...
Yep
...completely spontaneous...
Dude, you're a freak sometimes.
Cool!!!
Hey
Hello
Gina, we have to talk.
What is it?
I think we have to break up
I think I can't remain faithful while you're away.
I could tell you some fake reasons..
...but you deserve honesty...
...It's your hygiene.
Excuse me?
You don't take care of yourself anymore.
You sweat like a pig.
Do you still shower at all?
Certain body parts are simply disgusting!
Call me hypersensitive
But I just can't stand it anymore.
It's nice what stories you can come up with.
As a matter of fact I am sitting here doing something...
...clean up...,
all you do is get stoned.
For a while it was funny, but...
...I don't want that circus anymore.
And actually I never planned to ever come back from America
I met somebody there...
...Josef...
...he's a broker...
...hard working, pays attention, charming...
...black too!
and for the Future:
Women can have vaginal orgasms!
Josef? Black?
That was a top-notch story.
The beginning was really good
It was much better than your cheap story
But then "vaginal orgasms"? Come on
You just can't stand losing
- Take your shirt off
- oh no
oh yes
But not a big one, ok?
A normal one, that's the deal.
Come on!
Give it to me!
Give it to me!!!
Hey, this is no campsite!
Shut up! Fucking cunt!
Can this guy say one normal sentence?
Frank! Countenance
Hey, Kai
What the hell?
Why do you let these potheads hang out here?
No!!
When we come back you're gone, alright?
Oh shit!!!
Fuck!!!
We don't leave for too long, ok?
- OK
- I have to study
"I have to study"
Hey, I got an exam in 2 months.
Oh and I keep you from learning?
- I could use a little support....
- I told you...
- ...a little support.
...I told you I can do this alone.
And besides I support you as much as I can.
Oh is that so?
And how?
I....I....
when you're done studying...
I'll pick you up
And serve you a gourmet pizza, as a sign of my respect.
- How thoughtful.
- That's how much you mean to me.
You care so much.
I do indeed.
THE INFILTRATION
Dealing is dangerous.
My father just sentenced one guy for 3 years
for possession of 100 grams.
100 grams?
3 years?
Yes
You dad is a nice guy, but sometimes he's a fucking Nazi.
- Don't you think the high stand looks in use?
- I won't answer that anymore.
Look in the top corner there is some moss scratched off.
Yea there is some moss scratched off your brain.
We investigated the place, it's out of order!
I don't know.
Be happy! Everything is fine, everything grows.
Everything is well hidden
Plenty of sunlight
Good soil...
- Stefan
- What?
Greenflies
Greenflies?!?!
Yes greenflies!!! Check this out!!!
They are everywhere.
Shit
Vinegar should help
What?
Vinegar helps
- Vinegar?!?
- Yes.
You mean vinegar?!?
We can't just experiment with vinegar on our crops.
We need serious help.
Useful plant or ornamental plant?
Flower, bush, herbaceous plant...?
Useful plant.
Definitely useful.
- You think it's herbaceous?
- How the hell should I know.
Listen, is this a pharmacy or what?
We need something against greenflies.
Can't be so hard, can it?
You need to plan carefully.
Without knowing the name of the plant I can't help you.
Thank you, we will try somewhere else.
Now you listen to me!
I won't bend down in front of some "florist codex"...
...You can't treat people like that!
Of course we go in there.
Stefan! Listen, ok?
People in those shops have no style, Ok?
They study new age spirituality,
and fuck chicks with hairy arm pits.
I never hung out with those clich? potheads and I won't start now, ok?
Stefan, wait.
Stefan.
Let's take off, did you see that guy?
No way!
Let's just ask, ok?
Don't be so intolerant.
- No way!
- Think about the greenflies
OK let's go.
Excuse me, I might be able to help you.
I also grow crops.
Grow what?
Yea alright, well I can tell you there is a cure for greenflies.
Especially for big plants.
The stereotype of political left wingers as fucked up potheads is old fashioned.
THC abuse exists in all professions
...all social classes,
and all ages...
The aim is:
"Know your enemy"
Aphidoteles aphidimyza, r?uberische Gallm?cken-
a secret weapon.
One larvae kills up to 50 greenflies and then takes off.
No problem for the plant.
Where do you know that from?
Well when you do this business professionally
you have to teach yourself some things.
I'm a fan of zero-zero.
That's dank stuff.
You know zero-zero?
- Yea of course
- Back then
You have to be able to roll a joint.
But even more important is the presentation.
"Awesome shit man"
Nonsense, nobody talks like that anymore.
Only social pedagogues and teachers
This shit kicks better than Mehmet Scholl.
Trying too hard.
No this dope....my dear friends.
This dope is the deluxe version.
This dope is...
"Die Jacobs-Kr?nung des THC"
"Die Jacobs-Kr?nung des THC"?
If I smoke another one now I can't study anymore.
"If I smoke another one now I can't study anymore"
Alright one more.
And that is the only reason why she was fired.
I say that theory is bollocks.
- Air planes have pressure cabins...
- So what?
Sorry guys but Kai has got a point.
Have you ever heard of the porn star Karla Kowalcyk?
Called "Karla Super Fist", breast perimeter 142 cm.
- "Four Fists for One Hallelujah"...
- ...was her last movie.
Karla was a customer of my cousin Dominik,
He was sort of her pimp.
Domino is a little weird but honest.
He always took care of her...
...especially since he made sure she traveled only in
small planes that fly low.
But on the way to her shooting for
"The Super Fist Hits Again" it happened...
Karla misses her flight...
...but she never wanted to miss an appointment
and so she takes a Boeing 737.
And then?
When the plane reached its final height it happened.
The entire business class was messed up...
And the super fist never hit again.
Makes sense.
Man that is a sad story, don't you think?
What's wrong?
- Haaalooo?
- I'm black and white.
You're what?
Look I'm black and white man.
That's not funny man, I'm black and white!
He's black and white.
Zero-zero, sometimes it even kicks in late.
One of my buddies didn't feel anything for 3 days.
Then the devil appeared to him...
...sat in front of his bed, and watched him.
Seriously!
Did you hear that, Stefan?
Wanna smoke another one?
STEFANS' LITTLE SISTER
Don't panic, go do the AIDS test now
and you show some optimism.
Kai, I'm showing realism.
That guys girlfriend is HIV positive.
Don't think I'm just trying to make myself important, ok?
But I slept with him without a condom and his girlfriend is HIV positive.
That is pretty frightening.
Well I know one thing for sure.
If that test is negative I will never cheat on Tim again.
All this cheating sucks anyway.
30 of minutes fun and a months long bad conscience.
3 months of hell.
3 months?
It takes that long to detect HIV.
During that time I didn't sleep with Tim.
What?
3 months?
Well sure, what else should I do?
And what did he say?
I told him I had an infection and that was ok for him.
Ok for him?
3 months?
Get over it, ok?
I know you think he's a jerk
but I was ok with it too.
You got a code name for the test?
Hmm?
A code name for the test.
Nope, i'll think of one later.
What is that?
That's important, you have to think of that before.
What if you can't think of any?
Then you say your name is "funny bee".
You can't do that.
I guess you have one already?
Yes. Yes...
...I thought about it for a long time.
...it's like that...
...it's gotta be a cool name.
Not aggressively cool...
...but the coolness has to be underneath the surface?
Got it?
Mr Pink.
Mr Pink?
Mr Pink, you know?
From "Reservoir Dogs", the movie, you know?
Yea, Mr Pink...
A cool name for a cool character, right?
And it's got some sort of understatement...
...cause the movie is not that famous.
I need some information for statistics.
First you need one code name.
Mr Pink!
One word only please.
What do you mean?
Am I not speaking German?
One word only!
Well "Pink" then.
"Pink", alright.
I suppose I don't need to ask about your sexual habits.
The test takes 30 minutes.
You can get the results here then.
"Sexual habits", that stupid bi...
I should have said "?ugeln".
30 more minutes.
Shit.
I know what to do in the meantime.
If that shit breaks out I will go away immediately.
Somewhere in the south.
I'll get an inflatable mattress and 2 bottles of rum...
...and paddle out into the pacific.
Then I drink until I pass out,
and slip into the sea.
That way the fish get food,
my family has no bad conscience...
...and I can get drunk,...
...I'm definitely not gonna die of AIDS.
More like from asthma, eh?
A pity...
Don't exhale.
That's what I call a shottie, wasn't it?
Laura...
Hey I'm "negative" you're "negative".
We are both "negative"!
Show some enthusiasm!
Be happy!
I can't I'm too stoned.
Sorry.
Man I... I'm so horny.
Uuu!
So Tim has something to look forward to...
...for his surprise party tonight.
Ahm!
"Ahm"!
Thanks for coming with me.
I'll never do that again.
- You were a big help.
- But still, I'll never do that again.
By the way...
...what the hell is "?ugeln"?
I can't believe you told her that.
Come on Kai!
What can I say, Dopex...you know I am an aesthete.
You?ve known Laura since she was a kid.
You have a responsibility for her.
Man sometimes you're a real motherfucker.
This fucking "dissing around" all the time.
What did you just say?
Did you listen to me?
How can you tell my little sister about "?ugeln"?
Did you hear what he just called me?
He called me a "Motherfucker"...
Really? Seriously?
Yes
Sorry Dopex, but saying "motherfucker" is just...
embarrassing.
I mean it would be ok,
but when the rest is this "homeboy style" stereotype shit...
And pack in your shit.
I told you a thousand times that you should not bring your stuff here.
Talking about style.
What style is that to tell my little sister about "?ugeln"?
You can't do that, she is still a child!
He's coming
THE SUPRISE PARTY
He puts his bag down...
Gets a drink...
What is he doing?
A vacuum cleaner?
He is vacuuming?
On his bloody birthday?
Screw it, we go up, but be quiet.
Who are these hairy bitches?
Come on let's go somewhere else.
He is actually quite alright,
just a little messed up.
Tourette's syndrome or something like that.
He can't say one sentence without swearing.
If he smokes pot it's better, but without pot...
Now that I think about it. Maybe he just fakes it
so that people give him pot.
What's going on?
Tim said you're here. The party is cancelled...
- I'm getting a drink
- Me too
Tim masturbated with his vacuum cleaner.
His vacuum cleaner?
Yea. He somehow got surprised...
...and then he stood there with the thing.
And sort of...
slipped his dick into it and got stuck in the underpressure.
And that's when things became humiliating.
Until somebody had a good idea.
What's with my sister now?
Well I immediately brought her here...
...before things could get any worse.
Hey little sis.
You alright?
Don't drink too much, ok?
I'm better already.
- One more?
- Definitely
See Dopex? So crappy that it is cool again.
That is true style.
You know, Laura?
I think I love you a little bit.
Yea, that's ok.
Are you alright in there?
Where is Stefan?
He went home. Gina is leaving tomorrow.
I wanna go home too.
Pretty embarrassing thing with Tim, eh?
Weird, I decide not to cheat on him anymore.
And then I catch him cheating on me.
...with his vacuum cleaner...
- Want a shottie?
- We have nothing to smoke.
What?
Shit, I shouldn't have done that.
No it's ok.
Sorry...
...it's not your fault.
You don't have to apologize now.
It was a long day today.
Gotta go.
3 months without a girlfriend.
It's gonna be awesome for you.
Why's that?
Who was the one who said...
...I enjoy being together with my girl the most when she is not there?
That was before.
Oh I see
With Gina everything changed.
- Really
- Yea of course
- What?
- Yea sure
This woman has everything that I need.
It's all about different things.
Totally different.
We are about solidarity...
...and honesty.
Yes
- What?
- Nothing.
LIMBO - PARTY
What are you doing here?
Hi Stefan!
Hi
Sorry, I hope I didn't disturb...
No, no problem. What are you doing here?
I thought you were in Berlin?
I'm visiting my parents, just for a few days.
Hello
Have a seat. You want a drink?
Water please.
- So what's up?
- I'm fine
- And you?
- Good, can't complain.
- Where is Kai?
- Still sleeping.
But you're still doing this together, right?
Sure, you know Kai. He needs attention.
- Still so bad?
- Yea.
He smokes pot even when he?s on the toilet.
He said it's better for the digestion.
Thanks
You study law?
What's with your plans to open a beach caf??
Ah forget that.
It was nonsense.
But you got it all checked out,
just had to get on the plane...
I'll finish my education first.
Then I will see what will be next.
But it was always your thing. Going somewhere nice.
Sea, beach, palms, building up your own existence.
Well, tell me a little about you. How are you?
Excellent, the studies are going great.
And I will go to London for my masters.
London?
Congratulations.
Thanks
And that's why I'm here.
I wanna throw a little party...
...with the people from way back...
...you're invited of course...
...and I wanted to order some drugs from you.
What do you want to order?
Drugs. You heard me.
Drugs? You?
What for?
Excellent question.
Sure,
what do you want?
Schoof, bio-skunk, Superwahnsinn.
Mann, Mann, Mann, Mann!
Fitting for a good farewell party.
Aren't you afraid that you'll never leave this place?
Why? It's nice here.
Three Superwahnsinn...
...bioskunk, schoof.
She knew a lot about drugs suddenly.
I just want you to question this strange metamorphosis.
Shit, it's still full of greenflies.
Cause then you'd see that it was nothing but show.
- Fucking greenflies
- Just show
She only came to show me how great she turned out.
It's a scandal
And why? Because she still loves me.
That's a fact.
But she is without a chance.
Cheat on Gina because of her. That's totally crazy.
Oh come on, you've been nagging about that all day.
What? Sorry that I am talking about something personal for once.
That's not the point. I believe that you wouldn't cheat.
So what are we talking about?
The thing is that I could cheat.
I mean I am not, but I could be.
But I don't think that I am asking for too much...
...when I want you to show some interest in my situation.
So, why is there the possibility that you might cheat on her?
Well...
...Gina is pretty cool
But Jenny also has advantages.
- Sex!
- Sex.
- For example.
- Aha.
Jenny, she was terrific in bed.
...but with Gina...
...I didn't even get a boner in the beginning.
Why?s that?
That is exactly what I am trying to tell you.
Jenny I met at the night club, right?
And she's always more of a fashionable girl.
But Gina...I knew her before already...
and she was a friend.
That is the problem.
The transition between friend and sex object.
Imagine you go out and have fun
and afterwards you're in bed and she is giving you a blow job.
Would you let a friend suck your dick?
If he is pretty.
You're killing me. Stop it.
But are you getting the problem?
You see why there is at least one reason to cheat?
- Yea alright but you're not going to.
- Yes of course not.
Well then everything is alright, christ!
Asshole!
Come on.
Pussy!
Asshole, give it to me!
Boner!
Achim my friend. I have to say
your strange flies...
...are just sunbathing and nothing else.
Sun? I thought you're growing indoors with a sunray lamp?!?
Sunray lamp?
These aren't just two plants in the bathroom...
...for our crops you don't need a sunray lamp,
you need an entire galaxy.
- I see
- Yes
Well outdoors these flies won't help.
In that case we need a new strategy.
He's harmless.
Limboooooooooo!!!
Hey!
How low can you go?!?!?!
Hey!
How low can you go?!?!?!
So what now?
- For me?
- You want one?
Thanks. Cheers.
Back in the days we never partied together like that
Back then you were different.
Friends?
Friends?!?!
Thanks
Are you alright?
No, nothing is alright.
I don't get it.
Kai, do I have...
...cellulitis...?
No, you're a top class woman.
That's not the reason.
You can't get a boner, and my
ex-boyfriend gets a blowjob from his vacuum cleaner.
Great "top class woman"
Did you never get it, who was the reason
why all my relationships didn't work out?.
I never wanted to tell you that.
Sorry.
What are you afraid of, Kai?
I'm not afraid.
I just want things to stay the way they are.
Hey pussys!!! Limbo!!!
Shit!!!
You can go.
Really?
Seriously?!?!
Is there anything left to smoke?
Mann, Mann, Mann, Achim
Sleeping bags are in the hallway. I'm going to sleep.
Good night.
Did you see that look she gave me?
Honesty...true loyalty...
Jenny! Can I come in?
That thing between us never really stopped, right?
I got a headache.
Good morning
Good morning. Get out of my bed now.
Breakfast
THE ZERO-ZERO DISASTER
"Hit him with full strength. That hurt."
"Gets the ball just like that."
You really want to take Achim to the plantation?
Well we hardly know the guy.
Are you afraid he's gonna turn us in, or what?.
That huge plantation can get us into jail.
Don't be silly. Achim smokes more than the both of us together,
plus he knows about growing.
Shit! Always the same, you distracted me with your damn paranoia.
Some people just can't lose.
"Some people just can't lose."
- Want another zero-zero?
- Come on one more.
- One more and I kick your ass.
Did you manipulate something about the level?
Who is that now?
Damn, it's my father! Quick!
Hello Kai
Hey daddy
It smells sweet in here.
It's just this stuff, the air was bad.
So how is your stomach?
Much better already, thanks.
I see
Optimistic for your exam?
Yea, yea the stomach thing was a little problematic.
But I'll be alright.
You have to work hard now.
Life is not one big party.
By the way, Dr. Kollmann is coming over for dinner the night after tomorrow.
He runs the biggest office in town.
Kollmann, yea I know, of course.
Maybe you can drop by?
He might be able to do something for you.
A little "vitamin B", can't be bad to get some contacts...
Stefan! What the hell?
What's that?
Just stomach medicine. It's really...
I started feeling sick again.
I think I drank 10 liters of water already.
- Did it work?
- Apparently
Good hint with the water.
I don't feel anything so far.
The cops busted Dopex with 2 grams of cocaine in his car.
What? I knew it. I knew it!
Shit!
Dopex, remember?
The guy I showed you at the party.
Yea I remember.
Stefan, what are you doing?
Are you nuts?
Our entire supply.
You flushed 1 kg gourmet dope down the toilet.
Dopex got busted.
If he tells them names they are going to search our place.
What then?
Just shut up.
You messed everything up.
Of course you don't care. You get all your money from mommy.
But I'm gonna be somebody. I'll be a lawyer.
And I don't want to end up
like the two retards out there in the bus!
- Nice start Bullmann!
- It's nothing compared to that home delivery service.
Possible, but you have to get us evidence.
A few grams from the pocket are not enough.
Bring real bulletproof evidence.
The more the better.
- So you want to follow in your fathers footsteps?
- I think so.
Well that is a challenge.
Your fathers career is quite impressing.
May I introduce you to my daughter Laura?
- Hello
- Good evening
Are you insane?
I'm sorry, just a nervous reflex...
I think I will specialize in criminal law.
I know it's pretty crowded,
but it's a chance to get ahead quickly.
Very determined, I like that.
- Is your girlfriend doing law too?
- Hmm?
If you have a girlfriend.
Gina does economics,
she is abroad right now.
She is..uhm...she is in the USA.
Doing an internship, for 3 months.
Gina is very hard working.
She gets things done.
- Mama!
- What is it?
- I wanna go play.
- Ok.
Your father told me you finance your studies by yourself?
Yea he works in a pizzeria.
Seems to be a well paying business.
You should see the car he is driving.
So where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Well, uhm...
...we'll see...
Don't be so shy!
He always wanted to be a lawyer.
- Not easy.
- But if you really want it you can do it.
The most important thing is to have clear goals in life.
And for you the only goal can be an excellent degree.
And then you can come to my office.
When will you be ready?
Takes a little longer.
- What semester are you in now?
- 10th
He is doing his exam now.
- Then it's about time for you now, eh?
- Hmm
Stefan! You wanna go get some fresh air?
I'll open the window.
- What is it with you?
- Stefan! Talk to us!
Stefan!
Take that brat away.
That's not a child it's the devil.
What are you talking about?
THE BRAIN CELL MASSACRE
Didn't they look different in the mushroom book?
You were supposed to look them up.
small...white lamella,...
...that should do it.
- That is just the right approach for picking mushrooms.
- Come on, we had the best dope in town, and now all we got are...
...these instant mushrooms.
Mushrooms on a pizza, nobody will bust us for that...
...the best future investment.
I hope they kick in.
We can test them.
That is being used in Kazachian plantations.
So don't get your noses too deep into it.
Why?
You know what the Polish call that stuff?
Brain cell massacre
"Brain cell massacre"?
Oh by the way...
Kai and I had some of these earlier.
A little more life enhancement for the garden work.
I can solve your greenfly problem.
Apart from that, great plants.
- Let's harvest
- What?
Look at the high stand. It's too obvious,
It?s a miracle nobody has discovered the crops yet.
- what are you talking about?
If we wait 2 weeks longer...
...we will have 30% more
- I don't care
- Are you nuts? What's your problem?
- We harvest
And why did Achim bring the brain cell massacre?
I made a choice, spontaneous. The crops have to go.
Spontaneous. Spontaneous you also destroyed all our supplies.
That's nonsense
Right Achim? Right?
Say something, man.
That's your choice.
You can harvest now if you want.
"Well we can harvest if we want" great.
Well alright, let's harvest.
Was there something?
There was something. Be quiet.
I can't hear anything. Stop your damn paranoia!
Hello?
Stefan! Stefan!
I don't know what's going on with him.
- There is a hunter
- Shut up
What's going on with you?
- Small white lamella should do it, eh?
- Sorry, little mistake.
- "A little mistake?
- Yes, sorry.
- Keep his mouth closed.
- No he's spitting.
Stefan, Stefan! I can't hold him back.
The brain cell massacre
Stefan, no. You can't do that!
It's dangerous! Who knows what it'll do to him!
You can't do that man!
Hello?
Oh Shit.
Hide him.
Hello?
Everything alright?
- He puked up the mushrooms?
- Yes, but who knows what the brain cell massacre is still doing to him.
- Let's get him to a hospital.
- Yes
- I'll get the rest.
Freeze
Calm down. It's not what you think.
One move and I shoot.
- Are you crazy?
- Put him in the car.
We can't, we need the car for Achim.
He saw the dope. Put him in the trunk.
Look what you've done.
Always the same shit.
Shouldn't we bring them to the hospital?
To the hospital?
When he wakes up he will remember everything.
- We gotta get rid of the hunter somehow.
- Get rid of? You wanna kill him or what?
Are you completely crazy now?
This ain't no damn gangster movie.
Hey you said we should get rid of him,
I said we bring him to the hospital.
- You know what I mean.
- No I don't
I don't know how to get rid of somebody
without getting rid of him.
Kai. Shut up now, I have to think.
"And here are the results of the Bundesliga games:
SC Freiburg - Werder Bremen 2:1...
...Borussia Dortmund - 1860 M?nchen 1:3...
...Bayer Leverkusen loses against FC Bayern M?nchen 0:3,
all three goals were scored by Mehmet Scholl..."
Mehmet is pretty hot at the moment, eh?
...Mehmet......hot.
No no, Mehmet is not hot, Mehmet is glowing.
They are thinking about coating the stadium
with teflon so that he won't stick.
I think Mehmet is the only guy in the world...
...that I'd give a blow job.
Seriously
Mehmet has style, and he looks handsome.
...good legs, good body, good face...
I'm not saying that you won't do it, but...
...maybe Mehmet Scholl wouldn't be the only guy that you'd give a blowjob.
What? No, don't get me wrong...
...I'd never suck anybodies dick.
I'm only saying if....
...if then only Mehmet.
Ok, alright.
Imagine you'd really give him a blowjob.
And imagine his dick is really good.
You'd do it one, twice, three, four, five,...
probably ten times.
...but at the 11th time you'd hear this slight knocking...
...in your head...
....from the inside....
...and you know why?
- You'll tell me.
- Yea I'll tell you.
Because in your head lives a little man,...
...who knocks against your skull from the inside...
...harder and harder and harder.
Until it sounds as if he's hammering "BAM BAM"...
...against your synapses.
And when you raise your head between Mehmets legs for the 20th time...
...then you'll start listening to the little man...
...You'd listen, and you know what he says?
- What?
He'd say: "Stefan, listen Mehmets dick is pretty good,...
...but are you sure that it's really the best?"
Yea, you laugh. Aren't there much better...
...nicer and bigger dicks in the world?"
And you'd think, and at some point you'd do it...
...you'd suck them all. ...
...you'd suck the big, the small, the yellow, the black, the green, the red...
- Yea I got it!
Ok, alright. Then you'd suck them all,
always searching for the ultimate dick.
Going from one dick to another.
But the reason is not that you like sucking dick,
the reason is a different one, you know it?
The reason is the little man living in your head...
...the little "I'm never satisfied" man lives in your head...
cause you're never happy with what you have
or what you're doing.
- Awesome theory.
- Yea it's a fact.
With Jenny you can't smoke pot,
with Gina you can't fuck...
...when we're sitting in the pizzeria you should be studying.
When we're together getting stoned you always think about your studies.
The little "I'm never satisfied" man is sitting in your head...
...and therefore Mehmet Scholls' dick
would never be the only one you'd suck.
- Awesome thanks.
- You're welcome
You know sometimes I think...
...if I really would have done my beach cafe...
...and everything would have gone excellent...
...sun, beach, my own existence...
But then if you realize that you're still not happy.
That would be horrible.
So it's nice having an excuse for not being happy.
Yea it's also good to have an excuse for sucking dick.
Basically the only problem is that we don't have any problem.
Oh shit
Shit
Ok, stay cool.
Shit, it's over man.
Stay calm.
Step out of the car.
Alright guys.
If I search your glove compartment, what will I find?
Condoms or weed?
- Excuse me?
- What are two guys doing in the middle of the night
out on the fields?
Either they fuck or they smoke a joint.
- I have no idea what you're talking about.
- It's alright guys.
I am ok with that.
Better to smoke a joint every now and then,...
...than getting drunk all the time.
- With dealers I have no mercy.
- That's right.
- But personal use is ok.
- Yes
- There you go
- Thanks
- Just open the trunk please.
- Why?
Just routine procedure.
Well I can tell you what's in there, 2 corpses and 3 kg drugs.
Oh that joke is old.
You fucking pigs!
Fucker
-I'm sorry, he can't help it.
-Pig pussys!
- He's got one of these mental disorders.
- Tourette?s, right?
- Exactly
- Doesn't he have his pills?
He forgot them at home.
((Gay dogs!))
I told him to take them but he forgot.
((Asshole, you monkey dicks!))
He should take them quickly.
I hope it's no problem with insulting an officer?
((Fat pussys!))
No problem, he doesn't know what he's doing.
Just like when you're completely drunk.
((Motherfuckers! Dirty damn Nazi-communists!))
Interesting, what is the blood alcohol limit for that?
((Pigs!))
Around 2 parts per thousand.
But now it's about time you take him home.
?ugler!
"Nazi-communists. Motherfuckers."
"Nazi-communists. Motherfuckers."
"Gay dogs?"
Dude!
By the way, they gave me an idea.
And if he still remembers?
The cop didn't say anything about amnesia?
They won't believe him.
Plus they will think it's an excuse anyway,
cause he got drunk and screwed things up.
The cops will find him in his car.
Off the road, and hammered drunk.
- They will find him??
- Sure, we will call anonymously.
Yea alright.
- Ok, put the head on your shoulder.
- Ok.
Fill him up.
- Open up.
- There you go.
- Did he swallow it?
- Don't know.
Ach, shit.
Once again. Further back with the head.
Further.
Open wide.
Yea now he's got it.
Shit, that's not working.
It's all going down the windpipe.
We have to put it in his gullet.
How's that gonna work?
Pick him up.
Which one is the gullet? Right or left?
How should I know?
You can't stick a hose down his throat.
- Got any better idea?
- No but...no.
- Right or left?
- Don't know, right?
- Or maybe left?
- Come on pick a choice.
We divide the responsibility.
You tell me where and I stick it in.
- OK: right.
- Right it is.
- Or maybe left?
- Oh come on, just tell me where!
- Left
- Left?
- Yes left.
Left it is then.
- I didn't know unconscious people can puke.
- Yea they can. Bon Scott died choking on his own vomit.
The stomach should be empty now, right?
- Alright, right or left?
- Right.
- Who was Bon Scott anyway?
- The former singer of AC/DC.
- So, since when do you like AC/DC?
- I don't.
- 38% alcohol, is that 2 parts per thousand already?
- We better be sure.
So that was it?
Yes
Wanna smoke a joint?
- The crops are in the trunk?
- Yea we can take that.
Alright guys. Narcotics Division.
THE UNMASKING
I can remember a game where Mehmet got disqualified...
...he really provoked it. Saw a yellow card but he just didn't stop...
And when Bayern receives a goal.
He just kicked down his opponent from behind and gets the red card.
And what does Mehmet do?
Mehmet calms down immediately.
He leaves the field without protest and accepts his punishment.
Cause he just knows that he went too far this time.
Ok, now we got a serious problem.
- Open the trunk.
- No.
- That's a police officer.
Exactly, and if you let him out we go to jail. Stop it.
It's through, it's over.
I can't stand this anymore!
Stefan! Don't panic, first...
Stop it!
First we see what options we have, ok?
Options? What options do we have left?
You're nuts, we're not going to do this.
We agree that we can't hurt him right?
So we got only one option.
We have to talk to a professional lawyer.
A judge. A judge like your father,
who would do everything to get his son out of this shit.
- Completely normal, eh?
- I won't do it. I'm not going in there. We won't do that!
OK, listen.
It's the 90th minute. We're one goal down.
The damn game is pretty much lost.
We have only one last chance.
If we take that we might make it to overtime, ok?
Maybe we get a fucking golden goal.
Then we still have only lost...
...but you just want to wait here for the whistle?
I tell you one thing: Mehmet would have tried.
Are you not getting this?
We're sitting here. Back in the trunk is....
...and you have the nerves to come up
with a fucking golden goal theory?
Don't you get it that this is exactly the bullshit that got us here?
What do you mean by that?
I mean all this hanging around. Talking "stylish" nonsense, smoking pot all the time...
All that "cool" bullshit.
Listen, we're not cool.
You and me are not cool.
We're two losers hanging out in a crappy pizzeria...
...dilettantes dealing dope...
...and having our lives completely messed up now.
Man, we could have killed him.
You..you're not getting it.
You little ignorant loudmouth, you just don't get it.
You don't get it.
I just can't believe that I joined you in your bullshit for all that time.
Did I force you into anything?
You could have left at any time. No problem.
So don't blame me alone for all that shit, ok?
You're a coward.
You want to change your life? Go ahead change it.
You're always whining. Always complaining about things,...
...about Franka, about Sch?ngeist,
and how fucked up they are.
You're right, but you know what?
They are fucked up, but with conviction.
And therefore they have a thousand times more class than you,
because they believe in what they're doing.
and you?
You still sit here whining around instead of getting up off your ass.
Seems like you're not getting that. They'll put you away.
Going to jail. Picture that.
You think daddy will finally be proud of you then?
Alright boys. Tell me what happened.
Well...
The pizzeria, where we work...
Is not really about pizza...
...that is just a cover.
In fact we sell drugs from there.
...hash, marihuana...
-...bioskunk...
...anything...
The customers order on the phone, and we deliver to their home.
No hard drugs, only cannabis products.
We sold so far...
...20 kilo altogether.
I guess.
A few weeks ago an undercover detective infiltrated our business.
- He didn't reveal his cover cause he wanted to get our sources.
- You know what that means?
Wait, that's not the whole truth yet.
Yesterday we took him to the plantation.
After we harvested about 3 kilo weed...
...he tried to bust us, in flagranti.
- Wait, there is still more.
- Of course, excuse me.
So when he wanted to bust us we grabbed him...
...and put him in the trunk of my BMW.
And he is still in there now.
And the car is parked outside in the driveway.
That's it.
I have an old friend back from my days as public prosecutor.
And how are you planning to keep your man quiet?
I threatened him with disciplinary proceedings.
Suppression of evidence, unlawful methods...
And if he still talks nobody will believe him.
You know how many black sheep we have in our own ranks.
- Again, thank you for everything.
- No problem
I have kids myself.
The 3 kilo? In the car? Good.
Dad really hauled him over the coals that night.
He said if he fails his exam all hell is gonna break loose.
Since then he completely seals himself off and studies.
I wonder how he is doing.
I called Gina a few days ago and told her that it's over.
She got an American guy now.
That slut.
He didn't keep in touch with you?
You may now start the exam.
Why don't you call him?
Want a shottie?
I got to deliver these, ok?
It's weird that I didn't have to think about my father.
Or about the fact that I now pick a so-called "choice for life".
No. When I slowly began to like the idea
to just not finish the exam...
...I had to think about Kai...
...and the theories he would have made up
about all these weirdos here.
They will say that I should have planned my departure
a little more spectacularly...
...rip up my paper or something.
But that would have been too theatrical.
You should always keep a certain style.
- Hi
- Hi
You know, I just happened to be in the area, so I thought...
That's nice
- Unfortunately I'm in a bit of a hurry.
- Why?
Gotta go home to pack my things.
I want to go to the airport.
Seriously?
Well I can give you a ride, if you want.
Don't you want to cut it?
- Why?
- Well why do you think? I surely wasn't going to eat it.
By the way, you know what I read the other day?
Eleniak, you know?
She got fired in Baywatch only because,...
...cause she was nagging about Hasselhoff all the time...
Yea
- You were wrong man.
- Alright, ok.
- But I did it with style, right?
- That's right