Kyle Kinane: Whiskey Icarus (2012) - full transcript

- Whoo!
- I'm Kyle Kinane.

Kyle Christian Kinane.

Yeah, these are my jokes.

They're not real funny
on a paper.

Get me pretty.

I just feel like
a little princess.

Send them back.

This is Kyle.
He's gonna tell jokes.

**

How's it going, San Francisco?

Yeah.



Man.

Thank you for coming.

San Francisco... one city
where you can ask,

"Are we in a dog-friendly
lesbian bar

or a lesbian-friendly
dog bar?"

Doesn't matter,
it's San Francisco.

Have a good time.

I know you got a lot of choices

of what to do
with your free time.

Thanks for coming to see
Uncle Barbecue

tell us dum-dum stories
for a little while.

He's gonna spin a couple yarns

and we'll all get on to
our fun, carefree lifestyles.

I think a lot of comedy
comes from shared experiences,



things that we can relate to.

Keeping that in mind,

anybody else in here
get so drunk last month

you had to call a cab
just to take you to Wendy's?

- Yes!
- Just a couple? All right.

Maybe a couple?
Right there.

Yeah.

Get to that special point
in your mid-30s

where you realize
that drinking responsibly

and crying for help

just kind of turned
into the same thing.

A real successful Saturday night
home alone,

"I want those spicy nuggets!

"You're too drunk to drive.

"Well call a cab,
'cause you deserve 'em.

I'm doing the right thing.
How come it still feels sad?"

That's what I did.

I called a cab,
and another grown man

drove to my house, for money,

because that was his job.

And he got to my house
and I jumped in his cab,

and I said this.

Don't do what I did
when you get a cab.

I just jumped in
and I just said,

"We're going
on an adventure!"

That's just $80
on the meter right away.

They don't want
to be a tour guide.

That's 80 bucks.

That's the Peter Pan tax,
is what that is.

That's the same amount of money
if I were to just jump in

and be like,
"Take me to Neverland!"

"80 bucks. You smell like you're
probably gonna barf in here,

"so we're starting at 80.

Doesn't matter
where you're going."

And so we drove to the Wendy's

and I made him take me
through the drive-thru

because I did not trust him
not to leave me there.

It was fair.
He was suspicious of me.

I was suspicious of him.

It was fair play.

But this is where
I got in trouble, see,

is 'cause he was driving
a van cab,

which means I had to open
the whole side door

to place my order.

I was like,
"Well there's no way in hell

I'm not gonna fall
on my ass doing this."

So I had one hand
wrapped up in the seatbelt.

I was just kind of
hanging out the side

like a helicopter
machine gunner.

I was just kind of hanging out.

I realized like,
"This is how they do

"the high-speed ransom exchanges

"in the action movies
I love so much.

I'm gonna Bruce Willis
the shit out of this."

So I wasn't even at the window,
I was just hanging out.

I was like,
"You throw me the nuggets,

I'll throw you the cash!"

And the lady working there,

she threw me the little bag.

She's gotta cut loose.

She's working late at a Wendy's,

Have some fun with your life.

Have some fun with it.

So I got the stuff,

I'm yelling
at the getaway driver...

At this point,
it's the "getaway driver."

It's like,
"I got the package, step on it!

Go!"

But he's not in it.

He's like, "I cannot go
if the door is open.

"I cannot drive
if the door is open.

"It is ille...
It's an illegal thing

for me to do
with the door open."

I'm like, "But we're doing
a whole thing right now.

Where's your imagination?"

But somebody clearly
had not taken improv classes

in college
like some other of us have.

"You are not 'Yes And'-ing
right now."

"This other Frosty
was gonna be for you, yeah.

But you blew it, yeah."

Spent $114.00.

Two Frostys
and a dozen nuggets...

'cause I'm an American hero.

Right now,
they're losing their shit

'cause I spilled on my shirt,
and there's somebody like,

"It's not gonna match!
It's not gonna match!

"What do we do?
It's not gonna match.

Why didn't you buy two shirts,
Kyle?"

I barely need this one.

"You got something
that will make me

look like a sassy janitor?"

That's my... my fashion sense

is just the wise,
high school janitor.

"I think I know a thing
or two about love, young man.

"Come sit in the closet with me.
I'll tell you all about it.

Fuck it, we're going for it.

I shouldn't even be alive.

I know, you look at my life
on paper,

you're like,
"This is an obituary.

This guy's..."

Like, "You should cherish life.
Every day as a gift!"

Yeah, keep the receipt
on some of those.

I'm gonna return some of those
for store credit.

I don't... like, at least
three times a week,

I will microwave food,
grab it with my hands,

think,"
This is burning my flesh!"

And then immediately think,

"Well, then quick,
put it in your mouth!"

That's not a blueprint
for survival.

That's not how you stick around.

I just eat... I eat garbage.

I eat the same way Doc Brown
fuels the DeLorean

at the end
of Back to the Future.

"Did somebody hit a trash can
with a time machine?"

"What? I'm making lunch.
What are you talking about?

"What?

"Vitamins?

Where we're going,
we don't need vitamins."

I'll eat, like,
a big bowl of pho

and follow it up
with sugar-free Red Bull

'cause I don't care
about myself.

For those of you...

If you don't know what pho is,

it's a Vietnamese soup
that answers the question,

"What happens
when a former child soldier

pours hot rainwater
over fish nightmares?"

It's delicious
and I can't stop eating it.

That's what happens.
That's what happens.

And for those of you
that know what it is,

you think I'm saying it wrong.

It's spelled P-H-O
and people are like,

"It's pronounced 'fuh,'"
and they get all upset.

"It's pronounced 'fuh.'"

I don't care.

I'm already eating it.
What more do you want from me?

I'm guaranteeing there's nobody

in Saigon right now going,

"It's pronounced
"meatball sandwich,'

don't be culturally
insensitive."

So I'm going to continue to
support the Vietnamese community

by eating pho all the time

instead of just correcting
people's pronunciation of it.

You think about that
when you crash

your fixed-gear bicycle
on the way home.

"It's a fixed-gear.
You can't stop pedaling."

Sounds broken to me, dumb-ass.

I rally against hipsters.
I shouldn't.

If... If you're a hip...
That's fine.

Be a hipster.
It's okay.

You're 22. You're supposed
to be an asshole.

Just don't get so embedded in it

that you become, like,
hipster Serpico.

That you don't know...

Then all of a sudden, you're 26,

you got, like,
a Golden Girls neck tattoo

and you're on a unicycle.

And somebody's like,
"What do you really like?"

You're like,
"I don't even know anymore!"

You know, don't...

Don't become so entrenched

that you forgot that
you're a human being in 2012.

None of that's gonna go
on the special.

I just got pissed

because people were making fun
of how I said "pho."

I've learned that optimism
and stupidity

are two sides of the same coin.

I learned that one
trying to change my pants

without taking my shoes off.

Too many mornings go like that.

"Just make
the ballerina toes, Kyle.

"Make the ballerina toes.

"You got... you're gonna shave
a good 30 seconds off

"your getting-ready time.

Make the ballerina toes."

Didn't work.
Cramped up.

Cramped up.

Spent 20 minutes jammed up
in a pair of jeans.

"You're wearing slip-ons,
stupid.

You could have
figured this one out."

I'll double-check
scratch-off tickets

I find on the sidewalk,

'cause I think anybody
that plays scratch-off tickets

is stupid.

Stupid enough to discard
a winning ticket.

"You fools are throwing
your money away.

"Ooh, hold on, what's here?
Free ticket?

That's like a dollar
gift certificate for hope."

I thought I had it all
figured out for a while there,

then I was delivered
an unsliced pizza.

- Boo!

- Everything you believe in
just unravels.

Everything you hold true.

To some people, it sounds
like a simple mistake.

Not me.
I took it personally.

I was like,
that's somebody down at Dominos

making a judgment call
on my life.

That's somebody seeing my name
come up on one too many tickets

and finally just being like,

"Listen, man...

"we know that you're probably
gonna eat this by yourself.

"More than likely,
all in one sitting too, so...

"You know what to do, man.
Just fold it in half and...

bon appetit."

Just 'cause they were right,

I didn't appreciate
the assumption.

"You don't know me,
Dominos!"

Plumph!

"This giant taco
tastes like Italy!"

I'm trying to be
more tolerant, you know?

I'm trying...

There's too many...
Everybody's got

their own thing going on.

It's a waste of time

to not be open-minded
at a lot of these things.

I'm trying to be tolerant,
but it's difficult.

The tolerance,
it's tested, routinely.

I was on a flight
going from Denver to Chicago,

and halfway through my flight...
Midair, 35,000 feet...

The guy sitting next to me

starts eating pancakes
out of a bag.

Not, like, a Ziploc bag
with, like, a little seal

and, like, a, "Hey,
I meant to do this" vibe.

Like a bag from the store.

Not a store that sold pancakes.

See, I'm saying like
a Foot Locker bag.

You get me?

They're just loose.

They're just loose in there.

They're like bingo balls...
Just loose.

And there's nothing wrong
with what he was doing,

morally speaking.

But you gotta realize that
if you do some wackadoo shit

like eat pancakes out of
a shoe store bag on an airplane,

you're forcing strangers
around you

into a world of questions
they never anticipated

they would ever have to ask.

First off,

"Wha... how...

What?... "

First off, all the questions.
All of them.

First off, every question.

"Why are you... why?

"How did you get
to this point in your life?

Where are you going?"

Because... like, there...
That's not...

How do you wind up...
If you're on an airplane

you're on there with purpose.

You are fighting gravity
to travel through the sky

to land on another part
of the Earth's crust.

Nobody's, like,
waking up casually

like Amelia Earhart, like,

"I think I'll take
to the skies today."

You have purpose.

You have reason to fight nature
to go somewhere else.

How do you have that purpose
in your life

but still do it
with hastily-packed hobo snacks

in your midst?

That's not how
you catch a plane.

You're not like,

"Is this one going southbound?

"Haven't seen Grapefruit Joe
in a while.

Drop in, we'll share
some beans."

That's not how
you catch a plane.

Usually, getting to an airport,

that's your number one priority
in the day.

"I don't care what happens,
I'm gonna get to that airport.

"You can cut... I'll lose a hand.

"I'll fix it when I get there.

Just get me to the airport."

This guy, it was number
four or five on his list.

This guy was like, "I know I
got a flight, but it is Tuesday,

"and you know
what happens on Tuesday.

"Silver-dollar flappies,
that's what happens.

"Tuesday is silver-dollar
flapjack day.

"A lot of people say, 'Hey,

"how come you make
the silver dollar ones?'

"I make 'em that way...
I don't make 'em full size.

"I make them smaller
'cause I can eat more of them

"and I can get more of a sense
of accomplishment.

"And so I like to do that.

"And that's a lot of batter
over there,

"but I'll freeze it up.
I don't have to eat them all.

"But I'll make them all
and I'll freeze them

"in Ziploc bags,
and when I need them,

"I'll just have them ready.
What time is it?

"Shit, I gotta go!

"What's around?

"Well, I did buy some new shoes
the other day.

"Foot Locker bag.

Shovel, shovel.

"Knot, bindle, boxcar, airport.

Made it."

And he got on the plane.

He's on the plane, meaning
we went through security.

He went through
an X-ray machine.

His stuff went through.
Pancakes got X-rayed that day.

A TSA agent,

somebody with a badge
and responsibility.

And if they were fulfilling

even a fiber
of their requirements

of keeping the skies safe,
somebody had to at least

just, like,
mumble something like,

"Um, sir, I'm s... um...

"is this a bag of pancakes?

"It... It is.

"O-Ok... yeah.

"Yeah.

"It's pan... pancakes, yeah.

"Well, I've never dealt with it
before either.

"I'm gonna say go ahead.

"I don't know.
I don't know.

"We might get an earful
for this,

but right now, bon voyage,
that's what I'm gonna say."

And when you eat pancakes
out of a bag

in a semi-public place,

there are rules.

First off, let people know
what you're getting into.

Make a little announcement.

"Hey, everybody, I got
a bag of pancakes over here.

Don't get freaked out."

Offer 'em around.

Don't... you don't have to go
front and back, just same row.

Don't worry,
nobody's taking any.

It's just a gesture.

"See, they are,
in fact, pancakes.

"Would you care for some?

No? I understand."

Then, when you go to eat them...
With your hands,

'cause my man did not have
fork and knife on his person...

You eat them one at a time.

Driver's ed style,
10:00 and 2:00.

You take a little nibble
out of 12:00,

and you hold it in your lap

until you're ready
for another bite.

You follow those rules,
go crazy.

Hell, I like your style.

Way to usurp
inflated airport pricing.

"No, I got my own."

Good move.

This fucking guy...

he starts off...

He's just rustling around
under there.

He's just rustling.

You can't rustle
on an airplane in this day.

It's suspicious.

He's rustling,
he's kicking up odors.

Now we got people...

"Is that breakfast?
I smell breakfast."

You're not supposed
to smell food

on a domestic flight.

All it takes is one
paranoid weirdo to be like,

"I think hydraulic fluid
smells like breakfast!

We're going down!"

Now we're all in a panic,

'cause you don't know what
hydraulic fluid smells like.

He gets the bag out,
rips it open

with a confidence like, "Yeah,
I'm eating all these bitches."

Rips it open,

starts rooting around in there,

doing this cotton candy thing.

Rooting around,
but he's not looking in the bag.

He's looking up and off
into the distance

with this look of glazed
determination on his face.

The kind of look you only see
on the faces of people

that are neck-deep
in swamp water

'cause they're gonna catch
a catfish with their bare hands.

You know, just like...

"We gonna get 'em!"

Pulls his hand out,

he's got two or three
just in a grip, in a fist.

He's not going discreet,
under the chin.

He's not going like,
"Hey, I'm sorry for this,"

under the chin.

He's going over the top,

just, like,
'93 Jordan layup style,

just, "Haa!"

Dropping 'em in,

then looking around
with an attitude

after each bite, like,

"Snack time, motherfuckers!

Boom! Jealous much?"

Are you shitting me?

I'm a Delta Gold member.
I gotta sit next to this?

No syrup?
You go straight to hell!

'Cause I don't know
where you'd get syrup

in a situation like this.

Probably another bag, seeing
as how this dude operates.

But even then, unwritten rules
of decent society state

you open up that bag of syrup,

you pour it into
your original bag of pancakes,

and you tie it off
nice and tight

and shake it around
for even coverage.

'Cause you might be making
a bit of mess,

but at least people
are like, "Well,

he's not gonna eat them dry
like a psychopath."

Why is this
what I'm upset about?

Why are these the things
that anger me?

There's bigger problems
in the world.

I got a blank fortune cookie.

That'll fuck up your whole day.

You don't know what it means.

Somebody with common sense
would just be like,

"Maybe the paper wasn't
aligned right, it didn't... "

Not me, I'm like, "That's
Confucius himself weighing in."

That's Confucius.

His advice is
"I got nothing for you man.

You are on your own."

Or maybe this is some
Jason Bourne-type stuff.

Maybe this is how they
let the super spies know

they're activated.

I don't know,
I watch too many movies.

I crack that open, I'm like,
"I must be activated.

"I'm a super spy.

"That means I know
all kinds of martial arts

and foreign languages."

So I start yelling in
what I assume to be Mandarin.

It seems appropriate,
given my surroundings.

Becomes very apparent right away

all I know is remedial Spanish,

which at least
they understand it

because I'm having this outburst

at a Panda Express
in east L.A.

Some guy
behind the counter like,

"What's wrong with white boy?

Why does he keep yelling
about where the library is?"

Meanwhile, I'm just making
a mess like,

"Donde esta la biblioteca?
Krav Maga!"

Bang!
Kicking over lunches.

Then I just go to apologize,

buy combo B platters
for everybody.

Lo siento, lo siento.

No soy Jason Bourne.

Lo siento.

The worst are, like,
the thoughts that you don't...

Like, the stuff
that just pops in your head.

You're like, "Why?

Why is that who I am?"

Just the scary stuff.

The scary stuff that you just
keep pushed down all the time

and then just one day,
just... bink!

"God,
I'm a horrible person."

You know? You drive by
a forest preserve

or a nice park
on your way to work.

Nine times out of ten,

you're like,
"Man that's a nice...

"One of these days,
I'm gonna have a picnic

"in that forest.

"It was nice that they set
that land aside.

"I'm gonna have a picnic.

"Maybe I'm gonna fly
one of those fancy kites

"that people learn how to...

"Maybe that'll be my hobby,
nice kites.

The fancy, ornate ones."

And then there's
that one time like,

"Man, if I have to hide a body,

"that's the park
I would do it in.

"That's the best place.

"Yeah, man, chop it up,
spread it out,

"make sure to get rid
of those fingers and the teeth,

"'cause how they find them.
I watch CSI a whole bunch."

You're like, "Why are you
thinking about hiding a body?"

"Well, I don't know, maybe
I would have to kill somebody."

"Why would you
have to kill somebody?"

"Well, what if somebody
hurt my family?"

"Now you're just making a list
of justifiable murders."

And then that's
on your way to your work,

and you don't like
your job so much.

And nine times out of ten now,
you're like,

"That's where I hide bodies.

Maybe one of these days,

when I'm done
hiding these bodies,

I'll learn how to fly
that fancy kite

I've been talking about."

I don't like those thoughts.
I don't like 'em.

It's just... bink!
"You thought this."

"You son of a bitch."

I was in Louisville, Kentucky.
I hadn't been there before.

Just walking around,
trying to get some lunch.

Looking for lunch
in all the wrong places.

Walking around I saw...

It was, it was two black guys,

and one of them
was holding a white baby.

I was like,
"They stole that baby."

I didn't want...
It's not like I put it together.

It was like... bink!
"That's what you thought."

"You son of a bitch."

And the irony was,
I was on my phone

trying to find out
if a particular sandwich chain

had donated
to anti-gay charities,

'cause I'm like,
"I cannot support that.

"That is hatred,
and I will not eat there.

"I'll make my own sandwich.

"I'll go buy bread and meat
if I have to,

"but I will not support
that kind of hatred...

"Those guys stole that baby.

But I will not go eat
at this place."

I didn't even think that they...
Maybe they were gay,

'cause one of them was smoking.

I was like,
"Gay dads don't smoke."

That's not even a thing.

That's what I made up
after the other thing

that popped in there.

"How are you gonna justify

"thinking that
the two black guys

stole the white baby?
Why aren't they just gay guys?"

"Well, one of them's smoking.
Gay dads don't smoke"

"Stop making up stereotypes."

I'm disgusted with myself.

I went to Seoul, South Korea,
last year.

I'd never been to Asia.

I was just taking in
this amazing, amazing city.

And I'm just walking around...

Bright, sunny day,
walking around the market,

and just out in the sunshine,

and I'm the only one
wearing sunglasses.

I'm like, "How come I'm the only
one wearing sunglasses?"

I'm like, "They don't need them

"'cause their eyes are already...

"don't even finish it.

"Don't even finish it.

Why is that
what's in here?"

And it's not even, like, a bad...

It's like,
you don't need sunglasses,

that's kind of a nice thing.

That's convenient,
but it's still bad.

I'm not any happier about this
than you guys are, all right?

I'm upset with myself.

But that's what... like,
you see people like,

"Stereotypes exist
for a reason."

"Yeah, 'cause you're a dickhead.
That's why they exist."

That's great.
"Asians are bad drivers."

Go to Asia.
Asians are amazing drivers.

They're just punk rock about it.

They just don't give a shit
about the rules

when they come over here.

There's a traffic circle
with 9,000 people

in Seoul, South Korea.

No lines, no lights,
just whirring.

I saw a guy on a scooter

with 19 chickens on the back
cut off a bus.

He didn't lose the ash
off his cigarette.

That guy comes over here,

you're like,
"You're not using your signal."

He's like, "Screw you.

"I've driven over
bombed-out bridges,

I can handle a merge."

But redefine that.

If you're Asian,
put NASCAR bumper stickers

all over the back of your car

and just blow
some hillbilly's mind

that wants to believe like,

"Course he's a crummy driver,
he's an Asian...

"Hold on a second here.
What?

"Wait, no, this guy's
clearly a fan of the sport.

"No, I think this guy
knows exactly what's he's...

"this is some kind of
new drafting technique.

"We gotta watch this guy.

"Call up Dale.
Call up Dale.

Tell him the Asians
are on him now."

You know, there's a stereotype
that black people

like to talk in movie theaters.

There's a stereotype
that white people are uptight.

Kind of proved that one
when I said that thing

about black people and nobody
knew if they could laugh or not.

If you're black and you're here,
please do this.

Sit next to the most uptight,
white person

you can find
in the movie theater.

Not tough to do.

Like, single guys at the movies.
The worst.

See those guys who are like,

"No, you sit two down,
you sit three down.

No. Gay buffer.
Gay buffer."

"Yeah.

"Good... good thing you did that,

"'cause I was totally
waiting for Transformers 3

"to, fuck you.

"Now I can't
'cause of the seats.

"Now I can't blow you
during Transformers 3

because of
your elaborate scheme."

Sit right next to that dude,

and watch him already, like,

"Well, there's plenty...

I put those seats here
for a reason."

And then say something
during the movie,

but say something that's gonna
blow the white dude's mind.

That's how you twist it.
You like, you wait until,

like, the action gets right
at the... at the pinnacle,

then you just
blurt something out like,

"This reminds me
of Woody Allen's earlier work!"

And he's just like...

"That's exactly what
I was thinking," you know?

Really let him have it.

"This lighting is reminiscent
of Kurosawa's."

"Can we go to the movies
all the time?"

I think between that

and a quality
spicy mayonnaise...

we're not gonna solve racism,

but we're gonna shave some of
the sharp edges off of it.

- Spicy mayonnaise?

Spicy mayonnaise.

You're the same idiot
upset about pho.

Of course you'd understand
why spicy mayonnaise

will unite the races,
you're whiter than I am.

- All right.

Pull it together.

Thanks for being here.

- It was free.

- What'd you say?

Your friends
even shut you up there.

All right.

I had one flight...

I was going cross-country,
L.A. to New York,

And I bought a ticket on Orbitz

and I got a direct flight
on Orbitz,

and that's not supposed
to happen.

No.

No. Orbitz...
It's a good website,

but we'd would be like,
"Hey Orbitz,

I wanna go from here
to that stool,"

and Orbitz would be like,
"No problem, man.

You just gotta go to Denver
five times first."

And I like saving $37,
so I'm like, "All right.

"Go Broncos or whatever.

"Let's see what... let's see
what's going on in Denver.

I don't know,
'cause I'm gonna save $37."

So I get it and...
I get it and I'm excited,

but I'm suspicious
at the same time

'cause that's not how
it's supposed to work.

And I can't just
have nice things

'cause I was raised Catholic,

so everything has
some kind of guilt price tag

attached to it.

Like," something's working out.

Something bad has to happen.
What's it gonna be?"

Like, you just can't have that,
you're Catholic.

"Two sunny days in a row?"

"Yeah, but your friend's
gonna die."

"Why? Why can't things
just be nice?

Why can't I just like something
and... because it's nice?"

So I get to the airport.

I got a lot of trepidation
at the airport.

I'm thinking maybe
the airplane's

gonna be messed up.
Like, it's gonna have, like,

one jet engine,
one propeller engine.

Some kind of Johnny Cash,
one-piece-at-a-time

assembled aircraft.

So I'm inspecting it
with all aeronautical knowledge

I've accrued being a comedian.

So I'm, like, in the gate,
looking at it.

I'm looking under it
from the gate.

Like, "Yeah, it looks like
it's all right.

Looks... looks safe."

I'm telling people like,

"It looks safe."
They don't care.

I get to board first.

It's like, "All right.
Well, how about this?"

I get, you know,
I get an aisle seat...

"Are you kidding me?

I get to stretch the ponies out
the whole time?

Maybe things
are just looking up."

The plane's boarding.
I'm sitting there.

Everybody else is coming on.

Along come the people
that'll be sitting

next to me in my row.

They're two chubby Spaniards...
A couple.

Spaniards. They were white,
but speaking Spanish.

They weren't, like,
conquistadors.

They weren't looking for gold,
wearing armor.

They were just white
and speaking Spanish.

You don't know
how to comprehend that,

"Spaniard" is a fun word to say,
the hell with it.

We're calling them Spaniards.

And they take their seats.

All right.
And away we go.

Plane taxiing, takes off.

In the ascent of the airplane,

the Spaniards, wasting no time,

that armrest goes up
and they start trying to fuck.

Just right there.

Seats A and B.

Seat C, Kyle Kinane.

A and B, fucking.

Two-thirds, fucking.

One-third, Kyle Kinane,
not invited to the party,

and I'm upset about that.

And in their defense,
they weren't, like...

There wasn't just naked butts
in the air.

They had pulled a big coat
up over them,

but you know what's happening
under there.

There's movements.

They're not playing cards
under there, all right?

It's not like
I'm just gonna hear "Uno!"

You know,
that's not how it works.

I guess I would probably
hear "One."

I don't know how it works
with the translation.

A little wordplay for you.

But... so I'm upset.

Right away, I'm like,
"No, this is unacceptable,

and I do not like this,
and I'm upset."

I can see my flight attendant.

She's still strapping.
We're taking off.

We're not even in a place
where the flight attendant

can even walk around.

And I'm like, "I've got
my speech prepared for her."

I'm like, "You...
When we get up there

and you get over here and you...

'cause this is not appropriate
behavior for air travel."

But exact...
What's she gonna say?

I know exactly... she's gonna
come over and be like,

"Did you get your ticket
on Orbitz?"

I'm gonna be like,
"Son of a bitch."

$37 of savings right there.

$37.

And so I gotta sit there
and deal with my emotions.

I'm forced to deal
with this situation.

Why am I upset about this?

I started to get
a little bit easier with it

because I got flattered
for a second,

because that's
premeditated behavior.

That's... you know
that you're gonna do that.

You don't just, like,
start on a plane,

like, taking off, like,

"You feel like having a screw?

"Yeah?
All right. Good.

Good, good.
Here we go."

You know,
you're at least at the gate

making the eyes,
like, "You know.

"You know.
You know.

We go up and then
we get down."

So that means they walked on

the plane
with that knowledge already,

meaning they had to go by me

and put a judgment on me.

They had to walk by
and silently be like,

"I bet he's cool with it."

So that got me.
That flattered me.

I'm like, "I'm a cool guy.
I am a cool guy.

I don't want you to think
I'm not a cool guy."

I don't know,
maybe they got a bucket list.

Number 97, you know?

"Screw on
a cross-country flight."

I don't know.

But I just realized
that I'm not on this Earth

to be a goalie.

I'm not here to stop somebody

from accomplishing their goals.

If you're not hurting anybody,

I'm here to either assist
or get out of the way.

That's really all it is.

That's really how it should be.

They're not hurting anybody.
They're doing the opposite.

Very aggressively,
but they're doing the opposite.

So I've realized, like,
listen... like, listen,

I'm gonna put my own theories
to the test.

I'm gonna let them do
what they need to do.

I'm gonna be a cool guy
about this.

But because I'm gonna let them
do what they have to do,

I'm gonna do what I have to do,

which, in this situation,
is get wildly drunk

and watch the shit out of this.

Not like an old-time spy,
you know,

like, newspaper and fedora.

No. Tray table down,
elbow posted up,

like I'm watching a chess match.

So I was like, "Ooh,
you're gonna move the rook?

What... ooh, Bobby Fischer's
back in town!"

Finally, the flight attendant
comes by and she looks over...

Like, looks at me,

'cause it's clear
what's going on...

And I was just like,
"C'est la vie,"

or whatever dumb thing
I said to her.

And so I was getting my drinks,

and so I ordered 'em
two at a time.

And just... bang, bang.
"Look at that over there.

That's a good move.
I like that one."

Bang, bang.
"How did you...

"Now that's just...
I don't even...

Well, good for you."

And eventually, they're not
coming fast enough... the drinks.

The Spaniards are doing fine.
They're doing...

They're European.
They're a passionate people.

They're okay.

So eventually,

I decide I'm going to procure
my own beverages.

This process starts
with a blanket statement

I make to the entire cabin
of "I'm gonna go to the bar."

Now...

if you wanna know
how you can tell

if you've been over-served
on an airplane,

start with a blanket statement
to everyone.

And in that statement,

include a part of the aircraft
that doesn't exist.

"The bar." I may as well
have been like,

"I'm gonna take a dip
in the hot tub."

Like, it made
just as much sense.

I get up, I address the people

sitting across the aisle
from me,

who I've never spoken to before.

But now it's like we're
old bar buddies,

"How we doing?
Jimmy, we need a topper?

Todd, you good on that?"

They're asleep.
They don't even know.

I bumper bowl myself

back to the bar,

which is just the emergency exit
and a cupboard.

And I find my flight attendant

and I ask for two more drinks.

And she... she obliges initially.

And she goes in there,
and she's tinkering around.

But for some reason, she came
back out with the drink,

but she had this change of heart
from that moment to here,

Because she came like...
Like just then she realized

I pulled an A-ha video
down the whole aisle,

just slamming into stuff.

'Cause she brings the drinks out

but she's not
presenting them to me,

she's got them locked back here.

And she looks at me
with this look of concern

and she leans in and,
like, does that whisper,

like she doesn't want
to embarrass me

by what she's about to say.

And she just says,
"Are you driving?"

And I know she meant
eventually...

but when the world gives you
a little gift like that,

you don't let it go to waste.

So I put my hands
around her hands on the drinks

and then I leaned in
even closer and I was like,

"I hope not.

I think we might be
on an airplane."

And it was a little one
of these, like,

who's joking around with who?

And then I got 'em

and it was like, "Yeah."
Wink. Point.

"Keep it cool, hot stuff."
Whatever I said.

And I get back to my seat
with my little trophies there,

and the Spaniards,
they're just...

They're sitting there.

Like, I don't know
if they got busted

or they finished or what,

but they think they were,
like, smooth about it.

They had no idea
that the "trois"

in the menage a trois
we were having's coming back.

Third spoke's rolling by.

So they just see this coming up

with two drinks sloshing around
going, "What?

You don't dismount
when the coach isn't around."

And then sitting...
Slam the drinks down

like, "Goddamn Orbitz!"

And they don't know
what I mean by that.

They think I'm just cursing
the movement

of celestial bodies.

I want this to be an art form.

I want comedy to be taken
as an art form.

I feel I put just as much heart

and blood, sweat,
and tears into this

as any musician

or any sculptor.

And I want it
to be appreciated as such.

But then I was in a van with
my friends not too long ago.

And I unsolicitedly just
announced...

I said, "Hey, guys, these farts
are like contractions

for the turd baby
I'm gonna have later."

And that's why
I'm not an artist.

That's why this is not
getting federal funding.

There's not gonna be a grant
to perform this

in the City Center
for the citizens.

I can't believe I made it
anywhere creatively though,

because I was raised

by two loving
and supportive parents,

and nothing squashes creativity
more than unconditional love

and support
from a functional household.

If you have kids, shit on
their dreams a little bit.

Not all the way, but enough.

Give 'em some friction.

You need to give 'em
something to fight against.

I was supposed to be a musician,
but I didn't get that friction.

I wanted to be a musician.

16 years old, just,

"I'm starting a punk rock band!
Screw you guys!"

My mom's like, "You
can practice in the basement

I'll make chili dip
for your friends."

"No!"

So we practiced in the basement.

I remember,

"This song's gonna take down
the whole Bush regime."

Bass player was like,
"Is your mom making

that really good chili dip?"

"God damn it, Greg!

"Would you focus
on the anarchy at hand?

We only got till 11:00
till we got to shut it down."

Anarchy closes at 11:00
in the suburbs.

I'm from the suburbs.

I think there's
some credit due to anybody

that made it out of the suburbs

because that's
a creeping oppression

that you don't realize.

It's not a glaring,
clear oppression.

I mean, you grow up
in the inner city

and that's bullets
whizzing over your head.

You're like, "I'm just gonna
join a gang and deal drugs,

"and I'm gonna get shot right
in front of my momma's house.

And that's how life
is in the streets."

But there's the one guy like,
"No, I'm gonna be a playwright,

"and I'm gonna take this story
to Broadway.

And I'm gonna make it.
I'm gonna get out of here."

And you grow up
in the countryside

and you just till the fields,
sun up till sun down.

And then when you die,
they just take your body

and they put it
right in the field

'cause it's fertilizer,
it makes the corn grow higher.

So you're just like, "Fuck it!
I'm gonna be a dancer!"

And you move to the big city
and you make it as a dancer.

But you grow up in the suburbs,
and it's just like,

"Well, we can drive around
smoking pot,

"talking about
that philosophy class

"that we took
at community college.

And, you know, if you keep
ordering stuff at Denny's,

"they can't kick you out.

"So as long as we... as long
as we get, like, coffee...

"If we get, like,
coffees or French fries,

we can just hang out there"
until, like...

"Holy shit, I'm 35!"
You know, you don't...

You don't realize
that it's right there.

I have friends that get
surprised when you tell them

how many kids they have.

"I have three?

"I forgot about the little one.

I'm 35 now.

I'm 35, I just got my own place.

Took a while.

Some people my age
are astronauts.

I'm just excited

that I get to pee
with the door open.

Which is what I did
at my old place,

it just made my roommate sad.

Be like, "You're 35, you think
you can close the door?"

I'm like, "You're 40
and living with a guy

"that pees with the door open.

Maybe you need
to get your life together."

"Judge not, lest..."
how the rest of that goes.

I just like how you get reminded

of, like, your own immaturity.

Like, I was using one of those
accelerator hand dryers...

Like, the super
high-powered ones...

And I realized,
if I put my hands just right,

I can make
a totally wicked fart sound.

And right as I perfected
the fart sound,

I remember like, "Yeah,

one of my best friends
from high school is a surgeon."

But then I was just like,
"That's too bad.

"He's got no time
to make wicked fart sounds

"with the hand dryer.

"He's got to scrub up

"and get right to
the operating room.

"Rough life for him.
Rough life.

He's missing out."

I don't know if I got
my own place because it's like,

I'm thir... like, that's what...
Like, it was the pressures

of, like, societal pressures.

Like, "That's what you do.

"You're 35.
You're a grown man.

"You live by yourself
and you're an independent man.

"You live by yourself
and you start drinking scotch

"instead of crappy beer,
and you switch back to briefs.

"That's what you do,
'cause you're a grown man

and that's
what grown men do."

Or if I got my own place
'cause I realize

I'm about to get
the type of weird

that I can't even have people
witness on accident anymore.

Things are about to get strange

and I'm gonna need
some solitude for that.

And I think it's much more that.

It's not so much like,
"I'm gonna pay my bills on time

and read more books."

It's much more like,
"Twizzlers look like

they fit in buttholes,

and I cannot have somebody
walking into the laboratory

when Dr. Kyle's conducting
his experiments."

It's this corkscrew shape.

Lick 'em and stick 'em, fellas.

Find out about your bodies.

It's 2012.

It's not gay.
It's about loving yourself.

It's okay.

A lot of people think
Henry David Thoreau

went into the woods...

Civil disobedience,
self-reliance.

No.
Twizzlers in buttholes.

"T" in the "B."
That's what he needed.

Read Walden real close.
"T" in the "B."

That is stupid.

Man.

Hey, you guys ever get so lonely

you sleep on your own couch
instead of in your own bed

'cause at least that way
it feels

like you're laying
next to somebody?

"Looks like I'm the little spoon
again tonight."

Maybe throw an ex-girlfriend's
old t-shirt on a pillow.

Not for humping,
just for cuddling.

Nobody's weird here.

"Loneliness"
is a subjective term.

You know, it's...
It's different for everybody.

I mean, you're a castaway
on an island.

There's nobody around.

That's lonely, you know?

But it could also mean
you lack the simple courage

to be able to say,
"Hello" to somebody

sitting next to you on a bus.

That's lonely too, you know?

For me, I can define loneliness.

I can just hone it in
as the very moment

that I realized
that I had forgotten

I was masturbating

at a motel
in Green Bay, Wisconsin.

That's it.
That's the point.

That what I remember.

'Cause that's what happens.

I'm a comedian.
My dream came true.

A lot of my dream
is just me in a hotel room

treating myself like an animal.

Just...
It's not even sexual anymore.

It's just, like,
an aggressive shooing away

of a nuisance at this point.

So like I...
"Come on, get out of here."

It's like I'm taking a broom
to get raccoons off the porch.

Like, "Come on.
Just... yah!

Yah!"

I understand now
why a dog can hump something

but still look right at you.

Like, I understand that.

You see a dog, it's like, "What?

"This feels good
and you're my buddy.

"What's... why?

"You're the one making it weird.

What? What?"

It was. I was just,
like, in the shower

and there's a boner.

I was like, "Well, roll up
your sleeves, you know?"

"It's like shoveling snow
at this point.

You know what we do.
Something you gotta do."

Just dead-eyed,
staring at a wall.

And I realized
that on the shelf there,

I'd bought
the little size of shampoo...

I bought dandruff shampoo
on accident.

And I saw that and I was like,
"I don't have dandruff."

And I remembered that's, like,

the old Head and Shoulders
jingle.

'Cause I was like,
"I don't have dandruff,"

and then, out loud,
I just went, "Exactly."

Then I got...

And I had a little chuckle.

I had a little chuckle
to myself.

I'm like, "That's funny.

"If you're making jokes like
this and you're in the shower,

"you're right to go out there
and pursue your dreams, Kyle.

"You're on the right path.

"You're doing this stuff
in the shower.

"You're cutting yourself up.

"You're doing the right thing
with your life.

"Anyway, what else...
What were we doing?

Yeah, well..."

Man.

It's good I got my own place,

because, like,
instead of going to the gym

like, I could just stay home
and cry now,

so that's pretty awesome.

You macho guys crying yet?
You doing any of that stuff?

Tough guys?
Having a good cry?

Waylon Jennings,
you getting one?

I love a good old cry.

It's good for you.

Do what you gotta do.
Allow that.

It's not good to keep
that stuff... do what you do.

Pull the drapes,

put on a DVD of
How To Train Your Dragon,

let it out.

Let it out.

It's not good to keep
all those emotions

bottled up inside of you.

Now, it's not great
to uncork 'em all

at the grocery store
at 11:30 at night.

But once you've allowed yourself
these triggers,

you don't know when
that magical Linda Ronstadt song

is gonna play, and you're just
in the frozen food section

like, "We're doing this here?

"We're doing this here.
Okay.

"Whoo-hoo-hoo.
All right.

"Wow.

"Stouffer's frozen dinner
for two?

"Looks like I'm gonna
have leftovers on that one,

Yeah, she is gone.
All right."

You ever see a TV dinner just
abandoned in the beer aisle?

Yeah, that's me.

I did that.

That's my street art.

Take that, Banksy.

I don't even have
to mess up anybody's wall

or nothin'.

Just left some Salisbury steaks
up top some Coors Lights.

I think you get the message.

I am... I'm very fortunate.

I'm lucky I'm a comedian,

'cause otherwise my life
would just be a series

of undocumented low points.

I don't know how you guys do it.

Hats off to you, really.
I mean...

Fighting the good fight
out there.

No, I just try to, like,
make sure I learn a lesson

from whatever I get into.

Get the lesson
out of it, you know?

Like, I had a very... I had
a very particular low point.

It was a few months back,

and I was at a 7-Eleven
buying dinner.

And that's not
where you get a staple

if you're in the vicinity
of somebody that loves you.

I was not.
I was in Los Angeles.

Nobody loves anybody down there.

Nevertheless, I was there,

I think even sadder yet

is I knew exactly
what I wanted too,

'cause I made a beeline

right for
that little hot dog aquarium

that's on the counter in there.

Which is its own metaphor
for sadness,

'cause all those meats,
they're all rolling towards you

but they're not
gaining any ground.

It's just steamy frustration
in there.

Like, you could almost hear

the hot dog like,
"I can see the horizon!

We're gonna make it!
No, no, no, no, no!"

And... and amongst all
the tumbling, sweaty meats,

there was one lone
Cheeseburger Bite left in there.

Which if you don't know
what a Cheeseburger Bite is,

I'ma tell you.

It's a cheeseburger, sure,

but it's shaped like a hot dog.

Because 7-Eleven's whole
ad campaign right now, I think,

is just "Fuck it.

"You're gonna eat it.

"You're gonna eat it.

"You're not gonna eat it?

"Free cheese.

Told you you'd eat it."

And I don't know how
it came into being, you know?

I don't know if there's some
weird Dr. Moreau-type character

in R&D at 7-Eleven

that's just trying to mash
shitty foods into one another.

Like, "Hot dogs will
become cheeseburgers!

Cheeseburgers
will become hot dogs!"

Or if somebody dropped
an actual cheeseburger

onto that
perpetual motion machine,

and then just the sheer force
of time and movement,

it acquired the shape
of a hot dog,

a lot like how broken glass
gets smoothed out and jewel-like

if the waves crash on it
in the sand.

Clearly, I've thought about this
far too much.

But I'm in there
and I'm just pointing it out.

I'm excited about it.

And the midnight clerk
at 7-Eleven comes over,

a man who should not
have hope left for society.

He shouldn't care
what anybody does.

This guy's off...
He's off the grid at this point.

Even this guy
tried to give me an out.

Even he tried to, like, stop
what he was about to see.

See, like, the same... like,
when a blackjack dealer

sees somebody
that's just wasted,

they're hitting on 20,

and even they
can't take it anymore.

They're just like... just like...

He gave me one of those.

He came over,

but he put the question on me,
let it be my choice.

He just came over and he's like,
"What are you doing?

"Look at what you're doing.

What are you doing?"

And I just... I didn't even
look up from the plastic.

I was just like,
"I'm a gambler!"

And he didn't even realize
what that meant.

But that's where his face
just dropped.

He didn't even use tongs,

just grabbed it with his hands.

Bun, here you go.

I didn't eat it as much
as I made it disappear

like a David Blaine illusion.

Thing came at me, it was just
like, "Crumbs. Magic hands!"

Like, one fell swoop.

Myarf!

Debit card, 1.89.

Shoomp, shoomp!

Chase rewards points!

And I had to get out
to the sidewalk

before I realized what, like,
everything that just happened.

Like, I just ate the same dinner
as a homeless person,

but I didn't even savor it.

I didn't even appreciate it.

And, that was a low point.

That was a... that was a Tuesday.

And then Wednesday I got a DUI
and I went to jail.

For the more poetic
of you out there,

Whiskey Icarus finally flew
a little too close to the sun.

And, I don't know

if you've ever
been to jail before,

but when you go there, it's...

You get to sit on a little
bunk bed without your shoelaces

and you get to contemplate
your life.

You get to ask... say things
to yourself like, "Hey, Kyle,

"remember when you thought
eating that Cheeseburger Bite

"was a real low point?

"It's time to recalibrate
your definition of fucking up.

They took your belt
so you don't hurt yourself."

And I'm not trying to make light
of drinking and driving.

I made a mistake, I screwed up,

but understand
that there are grades

to that crime.

There are degrees
to drinking and driving.

I got my DUI in Los Angeles.

I'm from Chicago,
where to get a DUI in Chicago...

We got some people.

You, clearly,
will understand this.

You would have to drive through
a playground at recess

and still fail
a field sobriety test.

I pulled over
on the highway once

'cause even I knew I was
too drunk to drive in Chicago.

Pulled over, shirt open.
Gonna take a nap.

Keys in the ignition,
'cause I like to listen to tunes

while I slumber.

Woke up with police flashlights
shining in my face

and them just saying,
"Let me see your hands!"

And my first thing
I just blurt out is like,

"How'd you guys
get in my room?"

They let me drive home.

Said, "You take this room back

to the house
that it is a part of."

I got my DUI in Los Angeles,
where to get a DUI there,

you just have to look like this
and be singing classic rock

a little too enthusiastically
at 1:30 in the morning

while going five miles an hour
over the speed limit.

But I learned my lesson,
don't drink and drive.

Also learned my lesson,
don't get your lawyer

based off of Yelp reviews.

"Well, Darrell from Burbank
gave him four stars.

"How bad could he be?

"Darrell also reviewed
the coffee at a Jiffy Lube.

"Also four stars.

"He doesn't want
to praise too much,

"but he wants to be encouraging.

I like his style."

I think I'm just gonna start
believing in God again.

Why not?

Not out of any kind of,
like, repent or anything.

I'm not so... I'm just bored.

It's just a more fun place
if you're agnostic.

Like, just leave the "maybe"
there, you know?

It just more fun.

Like, "Why do trees
grow so tall?"

"Maybe it's God."

"Is that a guy following us
with a knife?"

"Maybe it's a chupacabra."

You know?
It just...

The world's
a more whimsical place

if you get into that.

I want to believe in ghosts.

Like, that's why
I get maid service.

I like to pretend it's
a real courteous poltergeist.

"Spirits are real
and they made the bed.

That was real nice of them."

I believe in Bigfoot.

I think Bigfoot's real,

but I think his whole thing
is that he...

He fucks you
while you're camping.

And that's why the true story
never came out.

You're just camping, your tent
opens up and you're like,

"Man, it's Bigfoot."
And he's just like,

"Shh.

"Nobody's gonna
believe you, bro.

Take off your pants."

That's why Bigfoot
walks like that.

All laid back.
Just got done fucking.

"Shit, there goes Bigfoot!

"Looks like he just
got his dick wet, yeah!

Bigfoot!"

That's the dumbest joke
I've ever written.

I don't know, I'm just...
I'm gonna be agnostic.

I was an atheist, but, man,
those people are just the worst.

They're just as bad
as everybody else.

Atheism.
Atheism's just, like...

It's dangerous
when you're a teenager.

It's interesting in college.

And after that you're just
a drip that ruins parties

by starting everything with,

"You seem like
an intelligent person."

It's cool that you have...

I just don't trust anybody
that is so positive that...

Like, so certain about something

you can't prove, you know,
either way.

Either... either side
you fall on, God or no God.

I don't trust them
and I don't trust people

that have confidence
without alcohol.

I do not trust those people.

Somebody that can dance
when they're sober

is the scariest person
you'll ever meet.

Those should be the first people
in line for murder suspects.

If you're...
You're just at a wedding,

you see somebody
getting really loose.

Like, "Man, how many
have you had?"

"Not a drop since '97.

Don't like losing control
of myself."

"You get outta here,
baby eater."

But, yeah, I don't know.

Like, I had this... I had...
I guess it's an epiphany.

I don't know what it was.

I was making some IKEA furniture

and I wasn't even
using the instructions.

So I was just, like,
freestyling on it.

So that pretty much
makes me a carpenter.

And so I started like,
"Here I am,

"just this little bearded guy
being a carpenter,

"and Jesus is just
a little bearded carpenter.

"And he just traveled the land

"trying to make people
happy and better.

"Like, I just travel the land
trying to make people happy.

"And maybe I've been
a Christian this whole time,

"I just didn't even know it,
because you try and live

"in a more Christlike way.

And that's what I've been doing
this whole time."

But then I realized that Jesus

probably never called a TV stand
a bitch five times

and then took a nap to Cheers
reruns out of frustration.

He would have persevered
where I faltered.

So that, and some other things,

are why I'm not like Jesus.

But I have been getting
the stigmata a whole lot lately,

so that's been throwing me off.

Not traditional, like, holes
in the hands and speaking...

I've just been getting fat
and going bald.

It's some Buddhist stigmata...
Something.

I...

I watched this documentary...

You guys probably
know it up here...

Called The Bridge.

Yeah, nobody ever cheers
if they saw it.

They just...

For those of you
that don't know,

it's a documentary
about all people

that jump off
the Golden Gate Bridge

trying to kill themselves.

And it was just... I thought
it was a fascinating film

'cause they set up cameras

and they caught these people.

Well, they didn't catch 'em,
but on film.

And they...

Yeah, yeah.
I did that in San Francisco.

Like I understand the why.

I understand if you want
to take an early exit.

Like, if you get to that point
in your life where you're like,

"I'm just gonna go to work
for the next 40 years.

I don't like this today.
40 years of this?"

And right when you kind of
get your mind around like,

"Maybe it'll be okay,"

a coworker pops by like,
"Don't forget,

there's karaoke
every Tuesday!"

You're like, "I'm taking off.

No way."

So I understand...
I just never understood the how.

'Cause they show these people.

It's always the same kind of
person, just kind of

disheveled, dirty sweatpants,
shuffling up the edge.

A little bit
of hemming and hawing,

and then just... pfft...
Over the side.

Just, like, not even one of them
wore a cape or anything.

It's the last thing
you're gonna do.

Go out with a question mark
instead of a period.

Let your loved ones...

It's a selfish thing
you're doing.

Give your loved ones
just, like, a moment of like,

"Wha...
Really?"

I don't know, you know?

Go nice suit,
umbrella at the last minute.

Mary Poppins theme.
Confuse people.

Have one last trick
up your sleeve,

you know?

If I get to that point
where I'm gonna get outta here,

I'm not gonna lose my commitment

to the art of performance
or personal flair.

I will do it.
I'm gonna jump off a building.

But I'm gonna do it

wearing a snorkel mask
and flippers.

And then right next
to where I'm gonna land,

I wanna have
a little glass of water set up.

Because that way,
people can wonder,

"Did he wanna kill himself
or is this

just the worst daredevil
we've ever seen?"

There wouldn't even
be a suicide,

there'd just be a Post-it
on the ledge like,

"I think I can make it."

People are like, "Make what?

"What was he gonna make?

"There's...

"Logistically, this is impo...

Maybe he didn't calculate
for wind, I don't know."

Just allow that much.

And then when I do die...

I don't have a lot of goals
for my earthly time,

but when I do pass,
I want either...

I want to be cremated,
and I want the remains

sprinkled on my mother's
living room carpeting

with a little plaque that says,

"Look who's
not vacuuming now?"

It was one of my chores.
It'd be like an inside joke.

It'd be a cute thing for her.

"You want to keep
your baby boy close?

"I'm right here.

"Living room's only for guests?

Well, now I'm the guest.

"You take the plastic
off the couch.

I'm sticking around."

That...

or...

Your gravestone
doesn't have to be factual.

You know that, right?

Your grave... that's yours.

Make sure
you take advantage of that.

That's yours.

Don't let
some uncreative relative

just put some schm...
"loving father."

You... that guy
could have been a dick.

You don't even know.

I do want... that's...

If I get that,
I wanna have just the little...

The tasteful little rectangular,

flush with the ground
headstones.

Nothing fancy.
Tasteful font.

It'll just say,

"Kyle Christian Kinane.

"Born December 23rd, 1976.

Died in your arms tonight."

Quotes, "Must have been
something you said."

Because listen, that's not
a great joke, all right?

But it's the best one
you're gonna read in a cemetery.

And where more do you need
a laugh in this world?

Kyle Kinane's got you,
even after death.

Kyle Kinane, A.D.'s
here for you.

You're walking in there,
it's a sad day,

maybe you just see that,

like, right there,
peripheral vision,

walking in and you just...

"Look at this.

"You see this?

"It's '80s lyrics.

"This guy.

"It's that song...

"* Died in your arms tonight

"This guy.

"Come here and look.
She's not going anywhere.

"Come here and look at this.

"My God.
That's funny.

"That is all right.
I like that.

"No flowers, that's a sh...

"I'm sorry, I'm st...

"You don't get these today.

"You earned those today, buddy.

That is a funny joke."

Guys, thank you so much.

Thank you very much.

**

Thanks for watching my show.

Unless you chose to watch
DVD extras first,

in which case,
you have strange priorities.

I kind of like your style.