Kyle Kinane: Loose in Chicago (2016) - full transcript

[indistinct chatter]

- Ladies and gentlemen,
Kyle Kinane!

[cheers and applause]

- Well...

[cheers and applause]

Thank you.

Thank you very much.

All right, all right.

Wow.

Thank you very, very much.

It's good to be taping a special
in Chicago...



at Metro.

Back in my hometown.

This feels great.

Thank you for being here.

I am on the road
most of my life,

so to come back home
to tape a special,

it means a lot to me.

So, yeah.

[cheering]

It's weird.

I spend most of my time
on the road,

and I have to leave
my girlfriend at home.

And sometimes
she'll make mention

that she might be getting
a little bit jealous,



that when I'm on the road,

I might meet women
after my shows.

And it's hard to explain to her

that I don't meet women
after my shows.

I meet guys
that look exactly like me

after my shows.

Yeah.

Not a line of babes
waiting around backstage.

Just a bunch
of hirsute fart factories,

smelling like expired mustard,

leaning in, saying stuff like,
"I get it, man."

I'm like, all right,
okay, all right.

I'm not sure what you get,
but thanks for being here.

Couldn't do it
without you, fellas.

Glad you're here.

It is.

Mostly, I'm glad about
everybody who comes out

and comes see me do comedy.

Once in a while,
an odd pickle will turn up.

Most of the time, it's great,
but once in a while...

Like, I was in Louisiana,

and there was a fella
in the front row.

He was like a real
unpainted Juggalo type dude.

You can pick them out sometimes.

Like, oh, man.

You see them in the raw,
you're like,

"Ah, somebody hosed you off

for a job interview,
didn't they?"

And his wardrobe
of choice for the evening

was a black t-shirt
with white letters

that just said,
"I heart squirters."

That's what he wore.

That's what he wore
out in the world.

Just wore that.

That's like you're just
dressing up for a mug shot

with a shirt like that.

And that's one thing.

Like, all right,
that's the sentiment

you wanted to put
into the world.

Like, what were you hoping for?

What's the intention
of wearing that?

Like you read "The Secret,"

and that's what you're gonna
will into the world.

And do you think
you're gonna connect

with that special young lady

who's gonna relate
to that shirt?

You think that your princess
is out there just going,

"Oh, no fella's gonna understand
me and my body,

and how I get all strange
when I get excited down there."

And then...

And there you are.

You're right there with your
"I heart squirters" shirt,

like her shining wet knight,
just waiting for her.

And it was in the South too.

If you're in Jersey
and that's your shirt,

I understand.

It's like,
"Uh, I like squirters, see?

I put it on my shirt."

But, like, the South,

the South, you can finesse
the language better down there.

It's a romantic region.

You can massage the words
to get your message out

without being so direct.

Like, in Louisiana,
I would expect

more of a gentlemanly
sort of effort,

like, "I do enjoy
the fountain-esque ladies."

And just, "Mm, mm."

Wish him the best of luck.

Hope you find love out there.

I've been out a lot.

I was in Edinburgh, Scotland,

for a month last year,
doing shows.

It was a fine time.

I said the whitest thing
I've ever said in my life

in Edinburgh.

Not anything terrible,
but just white.

Just white.

You know, sometimes
how you're hyper-aware

of, like,
"Whoa, that was white."

Like, where you
even have to step back

after something comes
out of your mouth,

like, "Ho-ho, mm."

"This tuna salad is pretty good,

but it could use a little bit
more mayonnaise, Barbara."

Ugh.

Thought you were more
well-rounded than that, dude.

Come on, man.

"A karaoke birthday party
on a Monday.

You're crazy
for this one, Timothy."

Egh.

But then, once in a while,
you just top yourself.

That's what happened to me
in Edinburgh.

I think the exact phrase
I used in Edinburgh, I was like,

"I can't believe this castle
doesn't have wi-fi."

That was it.

It's not getting whiter
than that, dude.

That's it.

You complained
about brand-new white shit

inside of real old white shit.

You just made a honky turducken,
is what you did.

All right.

And then, I went from there.

I went down to London.

And I went on the
Jack the Ripper tour in London,

because that's what I do, still.

Like, I should grow up,
but that's the stuff I'm into.

And it's a big deal there.

Like, there's still
big advertisements.

Like, "You got to go
on this Jack the Ripper tour."

And it's from the 1800s,

but that's still
their big tour thing.

"Go on the
Jack the Ripper tour."

And you sign up for a tour,
and there's so many tours.

There's like competing tours,

and they're cutting each other
off in the street.

It's so popular.

And you sign up, and you get
assigned a tour guide

who's just a decrepit
little English man,

and he's dressed in the period.

He's got a top hat and a cloak,

and he's using
the scariest British voice.

Or maybe just his British voice,

'cause it's hard to tell
with the old ones.

The old ones always sound

like they're just dooming you
no matter what, you know?

"What time is it?

7:30."

All right.

He's leading us around the city
on this tour.

And the tour is interesting,
but it's hard to focus on it,

because you're still
in a modern city.

So he's trying to put you

in the time period
that this all happened,

and he'll stop you
on some part of the street

where he's like, "And here,
one of the victims was found,

dissected with
medical precision."

But you're still
in front of a KFC.

It's kind of like, "Eh."

It's hard to focus.

I mean, I've dissected
a family bucket

with medical precision.

"This tour is boring as shit."

But then we get
to the end of it.

We get to the big finale,

and he's got everybody
gathered around,

and this is his big
climax moment of the tour,

and he's got everybody there,

and this is where
he just sends it home.

And he's got everybody,
he goes,

"And it's believed that,
in total,

"Jack the Ripper may have killed

up to five victims."

Now, I know
that this is a weird time

to get welled up
with national pride.

[laughter]

[applause]

But I had to turn to my friend.

I was like, "Did he say five?

"We've been rolling our ankles
on cobblestone for three hours

"for five?

"We paid £60.

"I don't even know how much
that is in real money.

For fucking five?"

And I got real USA.

I was like,
"I'm from America, baby.

We got somebody killing
five people right now."

And we don't give them
walking tours, neither.

You get a walking tour

for everybody that killed
five people in this country,

the whole 48 lower states
would just look

like half-price tickets
at Disneyland.

That's what it'd just look like.

Wisconsin alone would have
so many people in there,

they'd be tipping off
into the lake.

You kill five people,

you could defend yourself
in court

after killing five people

and get off with, like,
just, like, a warning.

That's where we're at.

You could be like,
"All right, yeah,

"I know what happened,
Your Honor, but listen.

"You know how
they say McDonald's

"has breakfast all day?

"Yeah, and then you get
your hopes up.

"But then they can still
run out of that shit.

"And that's what
they don't tell you

"when you're trying to have
an egg McMuffin for dinner

"and, like,
'We're out of Canadian bacon.'

"Sure, I got
a little out of hand.

I got a little--
I got a little out of hand."

The judge is like,
"Rough weekend, I understand.

"We all have them.

"We all have them,
we all have them.

It was a rough weekend."

You kill one person
on accident in America,

you don't even
get arrested anymore.

They make you a cop.

That's what happens.

[applause]

"But I don't want
to be a police officer."

"It doesn't matter.

"You passed the test,
you're qualified.

Welcome to the force."

- It's gonna be a very--

It's gonna be
a very interesting conversation

we're gonna have to have
in this country

when there's a mass shooting
that targets a group of people

we can all agree don't really

need to be around
anymore anyway.

It's gonna cross that line
at some point.

Let's--I mean, all right,
morose, yes.

True, yes.

"There was another
mass shooting."

"Oh, my god, who were
the victims this time?"

"Westboro Baptist Church."

"Huh, hmm."

[applause]

See, no, no, no,
it's a senseless loss of--

I can't.

[laughing]

Oh, God hates who?

God hates--
I don't hear them anymore.

I don't hear them.

[cheers and applause]

"Remember how you said
you wanted to ban all the guns?"

"I didn't say all the guns.

"Did I say all the guns?

"What kind of guns did they use?

"I didn't mean those,
not those.

The other ones
that kill the nice people."

I mean, Fred Phelps died.

He was the leader
of the Westboro Baptist Church.

He died; I'll miss him.

He was such a good villain.

You don't understand--
you don't understand, like,

how necessary a good villain is,

'cause a good villain unites
unlikely groups of people,

and that's what he did.

They're so terrible,

that you had just people

that you have no idea
would even know each other

are now on the same side
of picket lines against him.

That's a good villain.

You know, 'cause you had,
like, obviously,

the gay rights people
and that whole community,

'cause they hated them
for their

tastefully worded signs
they would hold up

at all the street fairs
and parades.

But you know
who else would protest

Westboro Baptist Church?

Hell's Angels would protest.

You were such a dick,

the Hell's Angels
didn't like you.

That's impressive.

You know, the Hell's Angels

were also
anti-Westboro Baptist Church,

because those Westboro folks,
what they would do was,

they would picket
soldiers' funerals

because they thought
that American troops

were dying overseas in wars

because America was allowing
gay people to get married.

And I don't care what kind of

spiritual mathematics
you're working with.

That doesn't add up at all.

"No, see, because of that,
and now this."

No, man, no.

Show your work.

Yeah, you can't.

You can't show your work.

You can't show your work
on that.

So, yeah, obviously you have
the gay rights,

the gay people against them,

but then, also,
you had Hell's Angels,

because bike gangs all formed

from veterans coming back
from World War II.

That's how these
bike gangs started.

You don't mess with the veterans

without the bike gangs
getting involved.

So now you had Hell's Angels
and gay people

on the same side of the line,

just in their shared hatred
of somebody.

And you got to respect
that level,

that you brought those
unlikely groups together,

just lining up side-by-side,
just like,

"Ha, huh, hey...

All right, yeah."

"Hate these guys too, huh?

"Yeah, fuck these guys, man.

"Yeah, all right, all right.

"Yeah, they suck,
yeah, all right, okay.

"What's that?

"Cute vest?

Oh, yeah, thanks, thanks."

"I like yours too.

"I wouldn't have done
all the fringe,

but I like what you're
doing with yours."

"Oh, the hell with it,
you know what?

"We're all going out
for beers after this,

"and I don't know what you guys
were doing afterwards.

"If you want to just, you know,

"hang out with us,
have some beers.

"Yeah, okay, cool, yeah,
why not, right?

"Ah, you need a ride.

"Uh, ooh...

"I got the bike here.

"We're coming together.

"You know, get on,
yeah, get on, buddy.

"We'll handle it,
you get on there.

"Oh, look at that,
you're getting on the front.

"Okay, all right.

"You know what,
it's a special day.

"It's a special day.

"Let's just let our hair blow
in the breeze together.

That's what I'll say to that."

Got to be appreciative of that.

I'm not even--
I don't know.

I know it's weird
with all the violence.

I'm not even, like,
an anti-gun guy or nothing.

I don't--whatever.

That's my political stance.

"Whatever."

I'm confused with, like,
the open carry law,

where you can legally
just have one, just...

Not even hidden,
just have it out.

First off, like, that's weird
that you need to have it.

Second off, I don't like
the term "open carry,"

because that's
what I always would use

for, like, open containers.

Like, you could just
walk around with a beer.

And so, then, the first
of the year rolls around,

and they're like,
"Well, these are all the states

where open carry is legal."

And I'm the idiot going,
"Well, it's about time.

"I should be able
to walk around with one.

"I'm not hurting anybody.

"Should be able to walk around
with six of them, all right?

"Friday doesn't even get started

"unless I get through
six of them, man.

That's what I'm saying."

"They're not talking
about beers, Kyle.

They're talking about guns."

"Ha-ha, oh, boy, I feel silly."

So the beer's still illegal?

It is?

Okay, cool laws.

Cool laws, everybody.

Cool laws that make total sense.

[cheers and applause]

- I don't know.

I just think that if you need
to have the gun...

there needs to be
a dress code also.

You can't just have the gun
and then wear--

You need--the rest of this
needs to match,

'cause not only
do you have a weapon.

You also have a very aggressive
accessory now, all right?

You have a centerpiece
to your outfit.

It's the focal point,

and the rest of it
needs to coordinate.

All right?
That's what I'm saying.

Do you ever see a woman out
with a tiara,

but no ball gown?

Just, like, sweatpants?

That's a crazy person.

That's what crazy looks like.

That's not someone
making sensible decisions.

No, that's a woman
just yelling out,

"The Kremlin stole my babies!"

And everybody is like,

"I don't even need to be
in this AutoZone right now.

"I don't even need--

"What did I need, seat covers?

"I'll get seat covers tomorrow.

"I'm gonna let this weird,
homeless princess

find her children."

That's the same thing
with a gun.

You can't just have that,
and then not--

This--if you have a gun here,

the outfit
needs to make you look

like a responsible
member of society,

like you know
what you're gonna do

if that gun comes
out of the holster.

If there's a gun here,

this shit needs to look
like John Wayne

or Indiana Jones
or Captain America.

I don't know.

Something that people
will be like,

oh, he knows what he's gonna do
with the gun

if it's got to come
out of the holster.

I was in Colorado.

I saw a guy who was open carry
right there,

and I saw the gun first,

and then I saw that it was
attached to some board shorts.

No!

Long pants!

Long pants!

You have a weapon.

Long pants!

This low-rent Johnny Utah shit,

when you got it clipped
onto some swim trunks?

With drawstrings?

He's using drawstrings
to hold up the weight of a gun.

You know how tight you got to
pull those drawstrings?

Now I know he's in a bad mood,

'cause his hips have been
chaffing all day.

And that's not the attitude
you should have with a firearm,

walking around like,
"I should have powdered,

"because I'm just getting
all red on my hip bone.

"What are you looking at?

Stop looking at my calves!"

And flip-flops.

Get out of my country.

Flip-flops.

Flip...flops.

I don't even own guns,

but I know that if you're gonna
draw down on somebody,

'cause you're one of those
good guys with a gun

that stops all that crime--

thank you so much for how often
that's been happening--

if you're one of those guys,

if you want to get--
if you want good aim,

close-toed shoes.

God damn it!

Close-toed shoes.

Oh, you're gonna be--you're
the one who's gonna stop a crime

when you just--you just--

you take it out of the holster,

and then you're just
swishing around in your Tevas.

Explain that to the cops
when they get to the scene.

Like, "What happened here?"

"Well, I saw the perpetrator
run out of the bank

"with a duffel bag
full of loose bills,

"so I deduced
that he had robbed the bank.

"And then, fortunately,
I'm licensed open carry,

"and so I went and pursued
the suspect,

"but what had happened
during that pursuit is,

"I Jimmy Buffetted myself
right on--

"I just straight-up
Margaritaville'd myself

"and blew out a flip-flop.

"You know the song,
Parrotheads, right?

"All right, yeah.

"Anyway, yeah, I shanked it.

"I shanked it.

"That one went off.

"That one went off
into the playground over there.

"Fingers crossed,
fingers crossed, right?

I was trying to do
the right thing."

That joke takes a wild turn.

I've been in the South.

I'll be in Tennessee and stuff,

and I don't know
where open carry is legal,

so I have to ask.

I'll be like, "Is open carry
legal in this state?"

And some people will be like,
"Yes, it is."

I'm like, "Oh, thank you
for just your monotonous answer

of just yes or no."

Sometimes I'll ask it
in a place

where people are way too
enthusiastic about it.

Like, "Is it open carry here?"

"You're god damn right it is!"

And I'm like, "Whoa."

I just got to change gears
real fast with that joke.

"You bet your ass.

This is America.
It should be legal everywhere."

And all of a sudden, I'm like,

"Man, have you guys
ever had burritos?

It's like a taco got cold,
you know what I'm saying?"

- I mean, come on,
we're in Chicago.

It's easy to get all rah-rah,
liberal, open-minded

and clap about that stuff.

We're liberal, open-minded.

If we're at this show,
I would think we're not

conservative,
closed-minded people.

I like getting around my
liberal, open-minded friends.

They're like, yeah,
of course, obviously.

Yeah, open-minded people,
open-minded.

If you're gay, straight,
whoever,

you get to marry
whoever you want to marry.

And if you're a woman,
that's your body,

and it's your right to do
want to do with that body.

And if you're transgender,

you're in a rough place
right now

with the way laws are going on.

But, hey, we're all just pilots

dropped into different
vehicles in this world,

and if you got to work
with after-market parts

to get it to where
you want it to be,

you work with after-market parts

to get it to where
you want to be.

Yeah.

[cheering]

Yeah.

I love being around all these

open-minded liberal friends
of mine.

And then I love just pouring
ketchup on a hot dog.

Fuck you.

Fuck you.

That's right.

Ooh, ooh!

Sounds like somebody's
taste buds are Republican.

Whoo, yeah.

Pat yourselves on the back
about being open-minded

a little bit later,

when you can stop thinking
about punching somebody

'cause they want to put
pineapple on a pizza,

you dick-heads.

I'm in my hometown.

I just pissed
all over the stage.

What are you gonna do about it?

I got paid.

[cheers and applause]

[laughs]

This won't go on the special.

I like that I think I'm being
real punk rock

by doing a ketchup
on a hot dog joke.

I almost saw the singer
of Samiam get a blow job

on this stage 15 years ago.

But look at me,

really blowing people's minds
up here.

Ridiculous.

[laughs]

Thanks for being
good sports, everybody.

Really appreciate it,
thanks for coming out.

[applause]

I don't have--

I don't know
where I'm at politically.

I really don't.

But I just like
poking holes in all of it.

That's the only thing
I feel like.

I think every side
can be tested,

no matter what
their convictions are.

Like, one of the things,
I'm not a gambler,

but I like playing craps,

not because
of the gambling aspect,

but just because,
if you're playing craps,

and you're the one
rolling the dice, you know,

and you got a real hot hand,

and everybody's winning money

'cause you're doing real good
with the dice,

that means you get to yell out
whatever you want,

in the name of luck,

to test the greed
of the people around you.

And that's
a fascinating position

to be in, in this world,

where you can really push
the morals of strangers

just for a few bucks, you know?

You got to make sure
you're on a lucky streak.

You know, you got two or three
good rolls in.

And you throw out,
like, a little tester.

You know,
throw out something like,

"Come on, daddy needs
some new shoes,"

and be like, "Look at those
shoes, those shoes suck.

Let's get him them shoes!"

And, like, "Yeah,"
they're all cheering you on.

But then,
you get a few more in there,

and everybody's chips
are getting

a little bit higher and higher,

and that's when
you drop stuff like,

"Man, these Laotian child brides
aren't getting any cheaper.

You know what I'm saying?"

"What--

What did you hear him say?"

"What--

"No, no.

"He just said he's getting
married in Laotia.

"We got to get him
on that honeymoon.

"That's what we got.

We got to get him
on that...honeymoon."

"Everybody down at the pet store
knows what I mean

"when I tell them I need a cage
for a 'big dog.'

[laughs]

Whoo!"

"No, I heard him that time.

"I heard him.

"He's gonna lock up
those Laotian women.

"He's just confessing to crimes

"he can't afford
to commit yet.

"Yeah, I'm staying in.

I'm about to pay off
that Sonata."

[laughs]

Oh.

- Let's see.

I've got gout.

Ha-ha.

Yeah!

I got gout!

[sparse applause]

[indistinct shouting]

What?

Yeah.

man: How old are you?

- How old am I?

39.

[cheering]

Do you want
to ask more questions,

or do you want to just let me
finish the joke,

and I'll probably answer them
in the joke?

[cheers and applause]

First, wait, are you worried
about yourself getting it?

'Cause if you're at this show,
you've got it, dude.

You all got it!

[laughs]

Yeah, it's real dumb.

I'm not being brave
or nothing up here.

It's a real dumb disease.

It's real stupid.

Yeah, got it?

All right, okay.

Well, we'll get a support group
after the show.

Yeah, it's real dumb.

You just get it from just
eating and drinking

whatever you want
to eat and drink.

I thought that's what I was
supposed to do.

I thought that's how
life worked, you know?

"You should live life
to the fullest, Kyle."

I did.
I got fucking gout.

They don't tell you
the side effects

of living your life

by all these bumper sticker
philosophies out there.

There's no asterisk on there
telling you, like,

"Oh, well, be forewarned
that this might happen."

But I listened
to all that stuff.

"Just dance like nobody's
watching, Kyle.

Dance like nobody's watching."

But they're watching,
they're watching.

They're called security guards
at Toys "R" Us,

and they are watching.

I'm usually alone on this one.

I don't know
if anybody else does this.

Whenever you drive
by a Toys "R" Us,

do you ever just mutter,
"We sure are"?

And then you curse
the Illuminati

for the rest of the day.

No?

They're waving it
right in our faces!

And we're not doing
a god damn thing about it.

So I went in,

and I was all panicked
about the gout.

I was freaking out.

I'm like, "Oh, my god,
I've got a disease."

And I'm just being
a victim about it,

like, "Oh, god, I have a thing."

And even my doctor was like,
"Stop being a baby.

"It's easily manageable.

"Lots of people have gout.

"You've got nothing
to worry about.

"You can totally manage it.

"All you have to do,
you just have to avoid,

like, beer and any food
you might find at a barbecue."

Yeah, all I heard was,
"You're gonna die."

That's what I heard.

I know she was saying
other words,

but all I heard was like,
"You've met the shepherd

"that is going to guide you
into the great beyond, Kyle.

And that shepherd's name
is gout."

And I was just--I was
freaking out hard about it.

And my doctor is my age.

That's another weird thing,
that a doctor is my age.

You know, it's like, you're 39.

How can you be
a doctor already?

We're so young.

We got so much more to go, baby.

How can you be--

What are you, like, one of them
smart kids or something?

I'm 39.

I still think I might be
a prodigy at something.

That's the level
I'm working at.

I'm like, I don't even want
to play chess.

I'll probably just beat
those robots right away.

I'll Bobby Fischer
this whole place,

is what I'll do.

I do, I think I'm a prodigy.

You know what kind of asshole
that makes me

at a Guitar Center?

Ugh.

Just walking in,
kicking the doors open.

"All right, I'm probably
gonna be awesome

"at one of these things.

"Let's figure it out.

"Is it keyboards?

"Ba-dup bup-bup-bup.

"Not feeling it,
maybe it's drums.

Bah bah bah--
nope, that's not it."

Every employee in there
is like,

"Normally, we would call this
kid's mom to come pick him up,

"but this guy has
male-pattern baldness

and came in here with a cane."

I didn't realize that's what
you could do with 39 years.

That's what she did.

Over 39 years, she gained enough

of this specific type
of knowledge,

that now what she can do
is fix the human machine.

That's what she can do
with four decades,

is, she can fix
the human machine.

And what I did
with four decades is,

I ate like a campground raccoon,

so much so that I show up
to her place of work

so I could take off
my skateboard shoe

so she could look
at my too-much-bacon toe.

Different paths, man,
different paths.

None more righteous
than the other.

And I hadn't been to a doctor
in a long time.

And so, since I was there,

I tried to alley-oop it
into a physical.

Which is--like, you could
schedule a physical,

but when you're just
trying to ask, like,

you're just putting
your shoe back on like,

"Also, can we, like,
look at other things?

Check other stuff?"

"Yeah, we'll do, like,
blood pressure."

"No, no, no, like...

"all--all of it.

"Like, at stuff,
can we look at--

"Can we look in stuff?

"Can we look in--up stuff?

"Can we spread some things
apart to squint at other things?

"What I'm saying is,

"get extra batteries
for that little flashlight,

"'cause I need a full
15-point diagnostic inspection,

is what I need."

- And to her credit, she--

We did the full physical
when I was there,

and to her credit,

she transitioned into
the testicular exam

portion of the physical

smoother than any physician
I have ever had.

It was so smooth, like, I didn't
even realize it happened.

'Cause, I mean, obviously,
that's an awkward thing.

It should be awkward.

Even though it's a professional,
it should be awkward.

You're exposing your genitals
to a stranger

in the daytime for money.

You shouldn't be at ease
with that scenario,

especially if one of you
isn't a doctor.

That's a crime.

You know, you shouldn't be--
you should be a little bit like,

"Ah, okay..."

You know?

And I can only imagine--

I felt bad for her,
being a female doctor,

how many guys
she had to deal with,

just these undercover creeps

that, like, function
out in the world,

but they're like, "I'll crack
a joke to lighten the mood."

And she's like, "I need
to check your testicles."

"I thought you'd never ask,
blaugh!"

Get out of here,
you sex criminals.

Fucking sickos.

And it goes the other way too.

Doctors can be creeps too.

I was in my 20s.

Probably the last physical
I had, I was in my 20s,

and I had an old man doctor,

the type of age
doctors are supposed to be,

just old, and just checking
their own pulse

to see if they're gonna live
through the appointment.

You know, just old.

And, like, I'm getting
a physical, and he goes,

"All right, I'm gonna
check your wiener now."

No, you're not, no,
no, you're not.

Did you say wiener?

Did you say wiener?

You thousand-year-old pervert.

You just said--you called
a part of my anatomy a wiener?

You don't get this.

You don't deserve this,

and you don't get this,
you pedophile.

And I know you're like,
if you're in your 20s,

that's not what pedophiles
are looking for.

Yeah, but I always
shave my head,

and when I have no beard,
I look like

Charlie Brown became a real boy
and got into pills.

So I'm still a sweet, sweet
treat for those creeps.

But she--

She transitioned into it

smoother than any doctor
I could even hope for,

because I was sitting there,

and I'm freaking out
about the gout thing.

And I was like, "Maybe I just
got gout last week,"

which is, I didn't know
how you got it.

It's from years of abuse.

I was like,
well, I was back home,

and I was eating
all the junk food

I would normally eat back home,

but I was eating
twice as much of it,

'cause maybe I knew there was
gonna be a sea change

happening to my body.

So maybe that's what I did,
'cause I was doubling down

on all the crap
that I like to eat.

I was back here, and I was
at my favorite hot dog place

twice in one shift.

Not even in a day,
in a shift.

That's a four-hour timeframe,

'cause hot dog employees
are part-time employees.

They're not there
for eight hours.

That's four hours,
I was back there.

I should have just
eaten the food

in the revolving door
in front of the place,

just eating it with my
chili dog hands on the glass,

just eating cheese fries like,

"Well, I'm pretty much
gonna break even

"burning calories
if I just stay in here.

"I think I might lose weight
doing this.

"Trish, hit me!

Nice!"

And then just stay,

like some sort of slob aquarium

twirling around
in front of the place.

But then, my doctor jumps in.

She's like, "Kyle,
you don't have to tell me

about eating junk food
when you go back home."

She's like,
"I'm from Philadelphia.

I go nuts on cheesesteaks
when I'm back there."

She's like, "I'm a doctor.
I should know better than that."

I interrupt her, I'm like,
"Have you been

to this cheesesteak place
down on Sunset here?"

'Cause my doctor's in L.A.
I'm like,

"Have you been to this place?
Is it authentic?

"I want to know if it's
authentic, because I like it,

but is it the real deal?"
She's like, "Kyle, it's great.

"I go in there,
they import the bread.

"That's important.
They get the imported bread.

"That's good.
And they do the provolone.

"I don't mess around
with that Whiz.

"I get the provolone on there.

Kyle, that's an authentic place,
if you want to know about it."

I'm telling her, I'm like,

'cause I've been
to Philadelphia,

and I went to those places
you're supposed to go to,

that are across the street
from one another,

and they're on all the TV shows,
and they were terrible.

I got to be honest,
those places were trash.

My doctor interrupts me,
she's like,

"I hate it when people
go to my hometown

"and they think
that those are cheesesteaks.

"Those are garbage
cheesesteaks, Kyle.

"You want a halfway
decent cheesesteak,

"you wanna at least go to Jim's
on South Street

for a halfway decent
cheesesteak."

But then she goes,

"But you want
to know the thing here?

"Kyle, the real sandwich
of Philadelphia

isn't a cheesesteak."

At this point,
I'm like, "Do tell."

Oh, we're gonna do
sandwich secrets?

Okay, all right.

You want to bump
some appointments?

'Cause if we're gonna
talk sandwiches,

I'll hang out.

I'll stay here
for another two hours,

knock out my deductible,

if we're gonna talk sandwiches.

And then she told me,

in just a very
just knowledgeable,

almost secretive way,
she's like,

"Kyle, the real sandwich
of Philadelphia,

"what you want to do,

"you want to find
the Reading Terminal Market.

"That's what you want
to find, Kyle.

"It's the Reading
Terminal Market.

"You're gonna go downstairs.

"It's gonna be
a very busy marketplace.

"Don't get distracted.

"You're gonna look for a place
called DiNic's.

"That's the place
you want to find.

"Now, when you get to DiNic's,
there's other menu items.

"Do not get distracted
by the other menu items.

"What you want to order,
it's a roasted pork sandwich

"with broccoli rabe on top
of it.

"It's a roasted pork sandwich.

"Take off your pants.

"I'm gonna check your testicles.

Broccoli rabe..."

I've never been
hypnotized before.

And, therefore,
didn't believe it was real.

It's real,

because that's what happened
right there.

Because I didn't hear her,

but I did exactly
what she said.

It's like, "You get
the broccoli rabe..."

I was like,
"I had that sandwich.

"I had that sandwich.
I went there.

"I went there, and no offense,
first off,

"I went there
and there was a line.

"I had to wait in line for food.

"This isn't Russia.

"My friend waited.

"I paid, he waited, if I'm being
completely honest with you.

"He had the patience,
I had the deep pockets.

"What--yeah, okay.

"And, yeah, so he would--

"But I got to tell you,

"we had it, and no offense,
it was okay.

"The pork was very good,
but the broccoli was bitter,

"and it distracted
from the flavor of the pork.

"That's my honest opin--

[coughing]

"It distracted
from the flavor of the pork.

"And I don't--yeah,
no offense to you.

"It was okay, it was okay,

"but it wasn't
the best thing I had.

"I did have one of those Jim's.

"That was a good sandwich
over at Jim's.

"I did like that Jim's.

"That was a good sandwich
at Jim's.

"What's okay?

"My testicles?

"Wait, what--what?

"Wait, whoa--that was the thing?

"You just did it?

"Ho-ho, shit, look at you.

"Oh, you're a professional.

"Let me see if my wallet's
still in my pants.

"That was smooth.

"You are a profe--

"I'm giving you five stars
on, like, an Angie's List,

"or wherever I can.

"I mean, I won't be specific,

"but I'll be like,
she's professional.

Oh, wow."

Just living with my disease now.

Just living with it.

It's tough.

There's not a lot of awareness
out there for it.

There's no ribbons.

There's certainly
not a walk for it.

[laughter]

[applause]

It'd be condescending,
you know?

I feel very fortunate
that I get to do this,

'cause it's not a real thing.

Like, real in, you know,
the three-dimensional sense

that we're here.

Mostly conscious.

Can't speak for some of you
in the back.

man: Yeah.

[laughter]

- Prove my point.

But it's not like--
this isn't a skill, you know?

It's a nice thing,
but it's not a skill.

It's not a skill in the sense

that it's necessary
for the world.

Like, if the shit goes down,
my job disappears, you know?

So it's nice,
but it's not a necessity.

You don't hear
the apocalypse purveyors

and the doomsday preppers
who are out in the forest

trying to disguise
an abandoned school bus

on the side of a hill,

you never hear them saying
something like,

"Trish, Trish!

"Before you finish
pickling those yams,

"we must go into the city center

and lure us back a clown."

"Because in addition to
preserved foods and fresh water,

"we must also be able to ensure
that we can tee-hee

while society crumbles
around us."

That's not what this is.

All this is,
is a personality trait

I'm trying to capitalize on.

That's it.

That's it.

You ever meet a comedian
with an ego,

kick him to the curb.

You don't get to have an ego.

All this is, is just
somebody was like,

"Hey, man, you were pretty funny
at that party last weekend."

I'm just like, "Yeah,
you want to give me 20 bucks?"

That's it.

That's what I'm trying to say,
is, thanks, chumps.

Kidding, joke, it's a joke.

Chicago, thank you so much
for coming to my show.

I really appreciate it.

Thank you very much.

Have a good night.

[cheers and applause]