Kurt Metzger: White Precious (2014) - full transcript

Kurt Metzger stand-up special.

- Ladies and gentlemen,

please welcome Kurt Metzger!

- Wow.

Thank you.

Thank you very much.

Whoo.

All right.

All right, all right.

Now you're just

putting pressure on me.

All right,

I hope this goes good.

Sometimes it goes very wrong,

you know?

Like six months ago...

I'll never forget this.

I get onstage.

I go, "What's up, dude?"

To, like, a guy, like,

where you're sitting,

and then he looked upset...

Like, upset at me.

And everybody got weird.

And then I looked at him better,

and it was a lesbian.

It was a woman, okay?

Honest mistake.

But it was... it looks like

I'm just mean to lesbians,

like that's the guy I am.

Come out,

calling you a dude face.

I don't act that way.

So I start trying to apologize.

I go, "Ma'am, I am so sorry.

"I have a light in my eyes,

all right?

"I'm not making a lesbian joke.

"I support you

"and your lifestyle.

I see you're a woman.

Please, forgive me."

And then

in, like, the saddest voice,

she goes,

"But I am a man."

Because it was a man.

Thought it was a lesbian.

No.

It was a very devastated man.

Never hurt someone that bad

in my entire life,

trying my hardest.

Guy had a vest on.

What are you gonna do, right?

Coming in wearing a vest.

I'm not gonna think

you're a lesbian?

That's how it works

in your world?

And one time I go on,

just 'cause I was in Brooklyn,

you know,

in, like, a hip room

with these young...

I don't... I don't gel with them.

And so there's a guy

sitting in front

with a sea captain hat on,

like, a little sea captain hat,

like a little...

And a little captain jacket.

And I make one joke

about his hat...

And by the way, not...

He wasn't wearing this

for honest gay reasons,

you know, like, really,

like, acceptable...

Perfectly acceptable.

You're gay.

"You're gay?

Fantastic hat, sir.

Let's... you know what?

I respect your hat."

No, he was on a date.

He was trying to get pussy

with that hat, dude.

That was a pussy-gettin'

captain hat.

So I make one joke

about his hat.

And then he goes like this,

"Really?"

Like... like I'm out of line.

If you saw...

This guy looked like

he flew on a hot air balloon

to, like, teach kids about

reading at the show.

I don't even know

what he was doing there.

But I'm crazy to say something.

And by the way... I don't know.

I'm not better than anybody,

okay?

I don't care how you dress.

Like, I understand

you have to dress

a certain kind of way

to get a certain kind of tail.

That is what

you have to do, right?

If you're trying to get...

This is hipster town...

Trying to land yourself a girl

that dresses like

the world's youngest grandma.

You can't just

not wear a sea captain hat

when you do that.

Got to have a captain hat.

Just doing that...

But just wink at me.

I'm not also a dippy girl

with purple hair...

Like, you understand?

I'm not enchanted

by your whimsy,

'cause I also have a penis.

So just, like, acknowledge...

Like, "I know, dude.

I'm just...

"I'm trying to trick this...

"I'm trying to trick this woman

into sitting on my penis,

so I had to"...

You know, just when you have

to wear a knit cap indoors

with a little hair

coming out of the top,

and you look like

you cobble dildos for a living,

just go, "Hey, I know.

"I'm trying to spend

too much time

banging a girl

with Bunsen Honeydew glasses."

Yeah, but that's like

when people have a type.

You know, I don't...

Do you have a type

that you go for?

No?

Me neither, man.

I don't have

those kind of privileges.

To have my type.

I just got to cast my net

and catch what I catch.

Sometimes it's fresh young tuna.

Sometimes it's an old boot.

I'm just grateful to the ocean

for providing me another day.

"And old, bald tire, Ocean?

"Thank you.

I'm gonna use

every part of this tire."

So anyway, the point is,

this is gonna be

a huge disappointment,

so, like, just so you understand

the level of how disappointing

this is gonna be...

This next hour.

It's gonna feel like

the first time you saw

the real Wendy

on that Wendy's commercial,

when, like...

Like,

Wendy revealed herself.

"It's me, Wendy!"

Wow.

Wow, Wendy.

With the pigtails, Wendy,

from the tablecloth at Wendy's?

"Yeah, that Wendy."

She was on for one week,

real Wendy, and then they...

Some PR person at Wendy's

was like,

"We got to fix

this situation. Now."

And they got a younger,

hotter Wendy

and three new salads,

like, right after that.

Is that so mean?

That's very mean.

You know, everybody

gets old and fat... everybody.

It's just... it was just, like,

such an abrupt...

Like, you weren't there

for the transition.

It was like, little Wendy...

And like, "I'm here."

And you're like, "What?"

You know?

But unlike that,

there's not gonna be,

like, a funnier, hotter

Kurt coming.

Like, it's just this.

It's just this the whole time.

Let's just figure out

some ground rules

with this crowd

so just I know what's okay.

What do you guys think

the worst curse word is to say?

- Cunt.

- Yeah.

You answered that very quickly,

and that was the right answer.

The C word!

It's a terrible word.

That's the one my mom

told me to never say.

I wasn't even saying it.

She just kicked open the door

to my room...

"Don't say 'cunt'!

Please!"

Very important to her.

But it is the worst word.

Right?

You guys look like a nice...

Are you a couple?

If I call her that, you're gonna

have to fight me right now...

You.

You're gonna have to climb

on this stage,

guy who kind of looks like

Bruno Mars,

and fistfight me.

That's gonna happen.

Call people "cunt"?

But if I call you a dick,

she don't have to do nothing.

She can just laugh at you

and also call you a dick,

you know?

On TV, they're gonna bleep

all the "cunts" I just said,

but "dick"... that's gonna come

right over the air,

me calling you a dick.

And what are you even gonna do

about it?

Nothing, 'cause you're a dick.

That's what.

Is that fair to you?

It's not.

That is not fair.

Right?

'Cause that's the same insult

as cunt.

That's not a different insult.

"You are genitals."

That's the same message

of insult.

But "cunt" is so much worse

for some reason.

Why is that?

I'll tell you why.

It's because "dick"

is also a nickname,

and that is why.

It just comes down to that.

It could be Richard,

so there you go.

Nobody's like, "I'm Catherine,

but call me Cunt!"

Nobody says that.

"Really?

Can I call you Cathy?"

"Cathy?

That's my mom's name!

I'm Cunt!"

That Cunt's a real character,

guys.

She really...

All right, that's too much

of that word.

Um...sorry.

Do you watch

"Toddlers and Tiaras"?

Does anybody watch that?

Yeah?

It's about the child pageants,

which is a very American thing,

child beauty pageants.

Is anybody not from America

at all in here?

One of you?

Are you all American?

'Cause I was just...

I had to explain it in Canada

to people,

'cause they don't...

Like, they don't know

what it is.

They don't do that.

So you have to explain

to foreigners.

"Hey, look.

Here's what it is.

"In America,

"we have beautiful children,

"so that's... there you go.

"We have to have a contest

'cause we have hot kids.

"I don't... what do you want me

to tell you?

"Sorry if you're not

going through the same thing.

"Hey, sorry to hear about

"your unfuckable children,

Canada.

We got to live our lives."

It is weird, though.

And so this one mom

got in trouble

because she put big fake tits

on her five-year-old daughter

for the talent...

Well, it was for

the talent part of the show.

And she had to have a talent.

"Quick, we need a talent."

Big fake tits

and a big fake ass,

and she comes out

and does a booty dance

for the... and she got

in legal trouble.

She might lose custody

of her daughter for that now,

which is so unfair,

because that woman is a genius.

That's really...

That's the most amazing thing

I've ever heard of.

Tits on a five-year-old

at a pageant?

You never thought of anything

that good

in your whole life, dude.

You've never once

had an idea that good, ever.

What's the big fear

about these pageants?

It's pedophiles.

Pedophiles, right?

So what better way

to hide your child

from a pedophile

than to disguise her

as a voluptuous lady?

That is...

They don't want to see that.

Big-ass titties?

Pedophiles hate that.

It's, like, ruining

the whole point

of being a pedophile.

I'll bet every pedophile

left that pageant in disgust.

"Shame on you, ma'am!

"That is a child!

A beautiful, beautiful child!"

That's gross.

But that's what

a pedophile says, you know?

That's not me saying that.

That's what a pedophile says.

I don't say things like that.

I'm like, "Hey, let's get

some tits on this kid

"and get her out there.

See what she can do."

I'm, like,

the opposite of a pedophile.

I like kids with fat tits.

I'm not gonna apologize

for not being a pedophile.

Do you ever watch

the adult pageants?

Adult beauty pageants?

But just when

they have to answer questions

and they sound dumb?

Yeah, that's mean.

That's mean.

You're mean to do that.

Remember that Miss Utah

who was on YouTube just recently

'cause she answered...

They asked her a question,

and she said,

"Women need to do more better,"

something like that.

And everybody was making fun

of her.

And women do need to do

more better.

She's not wrong.

You don't need to do

more better?

But why would you ask

those questions

at a beauty pageant?

Why are there

smarty-pants questions

at a pretty contest?

That's...

I think that's the question.

That's not fair.

"I have to... what's the point

of having fake tits

"if I have to know things

on top of that?

"You tell me what's...

What that money's for.

You can't just be a specialist?

That's not allowed?"

That's not fair.

That's like if you took

Supreme Court Justice

Ruth Bader Ginsburg;

that is the second woman

in history

ever nominated

to the Supreme Court.

That's a very high achievement,

and she's a role model

for girls, okay?

And if at the hearing, they go,

"Okay, Ruth Bader Ginsberg,

great legal answers.

"Great job.

"But now we're coming

to the swimsuit portion

"of the confirmation,

"so you're gonna have to put

this two-piece on,

"and let's see

how well-rounded you are.

Yeah, you know about the law.

Whoop-dee-doo."

She comes out all nervous,

covering...

And just point.

"Yeah, that's your beach body,

"Ruth Bader Ginsberg?

"Think you're gonna be a Justice

with those tits?

"Is that what you thought?

You're...

You're a role model."

Do you watch...

By the way,

most of this will be about

things I watched.

Do you watch

"Beyond Scared Straight"?

It's about

the Scared Straight Program.

You know what that is?

Scared Straight.

It's a program.

Let's say you have

a really bad kid...

Like, really bad.

You know, like, they smoke weed

and everything.

What are you gonna do

with this kid?

You take 'em to prison

for the night.

And then they have the prisoners

threaten them with rape

until they're good...

Till they're good children.

That's the whole program.

Yeah, that's perfectly fine

to do that.

"You like smoking weed?

You're gonna smoke this dick!"

They're screaming at the child.

Right?

And there's, like,

a guard going,

"You should listen to him,

De'Shawnthony.

"We don't do our job

at this prison.

"You are gonna get raped.

I make $12 an hour.

I'm not stopping rapes."

And the kid don't even care.

He's just laughing.

He don't care.

I'm at home;

I'm putting out a joint

and starting my homework

in terror.

I think I'm gonna

have to smoke dick.

Yeah.

'Cause you can't scare...

You can't scare anyone straight.

That's the whole... if you're...

That's what sociopaths...

They can't...

They don't feel fear

like normal people.

What do you worry...

If you go to prison,

what do you worry about,

of the things

you've heard about prison?

Yeah, that's right,

getting raped in prison.

Yeah?

Right?

You know, I mean,

you're not even saying

the thing.

You're like, "The showers...

Dropping the soap."

You don't even speak

the name of the crime;

it's so scary.

Right?

And because you're normal.

That's what a normal person

worries about

if they're going to prison.

Like, a good person

is worried about that.

But guess what?

There is a bunch of people

in prison

doing these rapes.

So that means there's, like,

a whole other segment

of the population that,

if you bring up prison to them,

they're, like, all happy.

They're like, "Man,

"you know the best part

about prison?

"You can just rape

any dude you want!

"They don't stop you.

By the way, I just got $500

taken out of my bank account.

I was in San Diego,

and I got a jaywalking ticket.

Well, it was $200, the ticket.

But when I got it, I was like,

"Fuck your city and your laws.

"And you... this cop...

You got a better shot

of seeing Jesus blow Buddha

than me pay you $200."

"What do you think of that?"

And, yeah,

so they just take that

out of your bank account.

You have to pay that.

You absolutely have to pay

that ticket.

Don't think

you're not paying it,

'cause in San Diego,

it's a whole new world.

But I got pulled over walking.

I was drunk walking,

which is what I thought

you were supposed to do,

by the way.

Minding my business.

Yeah.

Has that ever happened to you

in New York?

You got pulled over on foot

and issued a jaywalking ticket?

No, because cops

have shit to do here.

It's a little different

than San Diego.

They have to stop and frisk

every black man

who's ever lived here twice,

so they don't have time

for my white jaywalkings

in this town.

There's a lot

of black people here.

But this oinker looked me

right in my face, this pig,

and wrote me

a $200 jaywalking ticket.

Like that's okay?

I shouldn't... and also,

I know I shouldn't call him...

Shouldn't call him a pig.

Because the guy's

just doing his job, right?

That's how you're supposed

to take that.

He's doing his job,

like an Auschwitz guard,

basically.

Like a Nazi

concentration camp guard!

All right, that's too much.

Sorry.

That is... no, not like that.

That's really a bad...

That's way out of line, okay?

My ticket and the Holocaust

are not...

They're not in the same...

It's just a lot of money.

It's a lot of money, dude.

But I know it's not

a fair comparison,

because, let's face it,

not even Hitler would charge

a guy 200 fucking dollars

for fucking jaywalking, right?

Even a sack of shit

like Adolf Hitler

would have the Christianity...

The basic Christianity

to not charge $200

for jaywalking.

I saw every Hitler show

on the History Channel,

and he committed

every evil crime you can commit,

except overcharge

for jaywalking.

So congratulations

to the city of San Diego

on finishing the work of Hitler.

That's more than fair.

That is more than fair.

Yeah.

No one has suffered

more than me.

God.

I hope that lesbian guy's okay,

you know?

Honestly.

You think that guy's okay?

He probably killed himself,

right?

Like, I hope not, man.

What hurts worse than that?

If I just think you're a man,

then a woman,

then a man that... really quick.

I bullied someone to death.

That's what I think happened.

Got to be so careful

because people just...

You know, these kids

just kill themselves now.

That's what they do.

They just kill themselves

'cause their, you know,

computers are too mean.

It's just a different world

of much meaner computers

than they used to be.

I don't know.

I didn't have that

when I was a kid.

I had a computer,

but we didn't have, like...

Not like that, like...

I had to walk, like,

three miles to school every day

just to be called a fag.

Do you know that?

I had...

I didn't have

a magic box in my room

that answers all the questions

of the universe

and calls you a fag.

We didn't have that.

I had to get some fresh air

and exercise,

stretch my legs.

Didn't have all that stuff.

You ever get cyberbullied

as an adult?

It just happened to me

on Facebook.

I was cyberbullied.

A guy went on my wall

and called me a lazy writer.

That's... that's bullying.

That's what that was.

Tried to bully me.

Couldn't remember

that guy's name,

but fuck that guy.

That's the main part.

Could have killed myself, sir.

By the way, you do notice

it's, like,

all white nerd suicides.

You notice that?

They're all white.

Like, you don't really see...

I mean, maybe black nerds

kill themselves,

but I don't really see that.

You just don't see it.

Why do you suppose that is,

that they're all white?

'Cause black nerds

don't get those kind of

opportunities.

That's why.

Get depressed from their

home fag-bashing computer?

They don't have...

Black nerds get shot

by gangs and neighborhood watch.

It's the truth.

I agree.

It's terrible.

It's unfortunate.

You watch the news, right?

You watch the local news?

"Tragedy!

In the part

that you don't go to!"

And a kid with a graduation hat

who was shot.

That guy?

What...

Every time a gang

shoots at another gang,

they miss

and hit a promising black nerd.

Right?

It happens every time.

If you're black

and you have a scholarship,

my advice is, buy a vest

and lay low for a little bit.

Let the scholarship blow over,

because...

They got Urkel-seeking bullets

that are gonna find you

reading a...

Yeah.

Black nerds.

Gangsters.

It's how I consider them.

Right?

You ever see

Neil deGrasse Tyson?

The astronomer?

The black king of planets,

Neil deGrasse Tyson?

You know who that is.

The guy's great.

He's amazing.

That guy is a gangster, dude.

There is no telling

how many people he had to stab

just to live long enough

to tell you about his love

of planets and shit.

There is no telling

what that man had to do.

Just lost my iPad, by the way.

I'm going through some things

on my... myself.

I lost my iPad.

Actually, I lost it

when Steve Jobs died

two years ago, but I haven't

gotten over it.

I'll be honest with you.

The day he died, iPad was gone.

I didn't know... I had no idea

what was going on.

At first I thought it was, like,

an iPad rapture,

and, like,

he was just taking all the iPads

to turtleneck heaven.

He was gone;

my iPad's gone.

That's all I knew.

I started screaming

like a little girl.

It turned out, by the way,

I was just drunk,

and I left in a cab.

That was the actual...

It wasn't an iPad rapture.

I was just drunk.

But I screamed and screamed

like a baby

'cause I lost an iPad.

What do you even

compare that to,

that kind of emotion

over an object?

This is the best thing

I can liken it to.

It was like

I was from Afghanistan,

and I heard that a Koran,

a holy Koran,

got burned by mistake.

Like, that... like, that upset.

Like, I get it now.

And by the way,

don't burn a Koran.

Just don't burn anything.

You're just a moron

if you just burn things

in protest.

But you burn a Koran,

someone's gonna get killed.

So don't do that, okay?

It's a bit much

if someone has to die for that,

though, a little bit, right?

Like, I lost an iPad.

I lost...

There's a thing called

perspective, okay?

I lost a very expensive iPad.

How hard is it

to get a new Koran?

And I'm not saying

that it's good or bad

or anything like that.

Okay, I don't want to be killed

with a curvy sword after this.

I'm saying...

I'm just saying,

if you need a new Koran,

what are the difficulties

in making that happen?

It's not like every year,

a new Koran comes out,

and it's $600, right?

That's not your situation,

is it?

And you get one,

and you find out

there's a much better Koran

coming out tomorrow

with, like, double the virgins

and a better camera,

and the dude doesn't say nothing

at the Koran store,

conveniently.

My iPad had a Koran on it.

That's how amazing an iPad is.

I... it was also a Koran.

I lost a Koran and "Angry Birds"

in one shot.

You understand what I lost?

I had my whole day planned out.

People are unfair to Muslims

also, though,

aren't they a little bit?

This is a really good example.

The Ground Zero mosque.

Do you remember that?

Everybody was so mad

because they were gonna build

a mosque

just kind of near Ground Zero.

And then everybody acted

like they were building it

on the hole...

On the 9/11 hole.

Remember how angry...

"They're building a mosque

on the Twin Towers!

With the bones of firemen

as bricks!"

"The new Freedom Tower's

gonna be a mosque!"

All right, yeah,

that's what I heard,

and I went like,

"Wow. Seriously?"

"That project really

got away from us, didn't it?

"Holy smokes.

How did we mess that up

that bad?"

But I didn't get upset.

That's fine with me.

Build a mosque on the 9/11 hole.

I don't give a shit.

If it was up to me,

I would build a mosque

on every important building

that we have,

just for protection, basically.

It's not hard to think your way

out of a problem

and not be a bigot

for five seconds.

It's a great idea.

And we should call

all of our planes "mosques"

from now on.

That's part two of my plan.

A beautiful, safe sky mosque.

Now, that would be a real crime,

to blow up a sky mosque.

Yeah.

That'll... I'd fix

that whole situation, right?

'Cause you already

have to take your shoes off,

so you're right there.

You're almost to mosque

right now.

Just putting 'em back on

is the whole pain in the ass

of that...

Do you guys have jobs,

by the way?

What do you do?

I don't know.

I don't have a job.

This is all I do.

Not that it's so great,

but it's just too late now

to not do this, so...

I used to live

in Bushwick, Brooklyn,

with no job.

Had a mattress on the floor

and two towels...

One to jerk off in

and one to use as a towel.

Yeah, it's a simple life.

And sometimes I'd come out

of the shower,

realize too late I made

the wrong choice of towels.

Buy different colored towels,

everyone.

That's what we learn from that.

But I watch people with jobs

on TV sometimes.

Do you watch all those kind of

reality job shows?

Like "Slippery Driving" and...

And, "Scary Fishing"?

Yeah, well, that's why

those shows are there,

'cause there's not enough jobs,

so that's, like,

your fantasy now, is,

you have to watch other people

have a job

like it's pornography.

"Man, he's just working

the hell out of that job.

That's really...

He's hitting that job hard."

Do you know what Walmart's doing

for veterans

who don't have jobs?

If you're a veteran

coming back from

Iraq or Afghanistan right now

and you don't have job,

you can go to any Walmart

and automatically get a job

at Walmart,

which is nice of Walmart.

But, you know, like...

In those commercials

for the Army,

they kind of make it sound

like when you get out,

you don't have to work

at Walmart.

They do.

They do lead you to believe

a little bit.

"I'm going to college

and have the"...

You'll have the tech

and leadership skills

of today's market,

to not work at Walmart.

Not that it's so bad

to work at Walmart.

I don't have to down you

if you work at Walmart.

I'm just saying

that's an extremely long way

to go to get to a job

at Walmart.

You really took

the longest route possible

to that Walmart job, man.

Another way to automatically

get hired at Walmart...

Apply to any Walmart.

You also have that option.

You don't have to have

"Zero Dark Thirty"

and basic training

to get to a job

folding $7 sweatpants

in the husky teen section.

Navy SEAL, a trained killer,

killer hands folding...

Sitting there like...

"You tracked

and killed Bin Laden?

"Cool. Listen.

"Right now, I need you

to track down

"this missing case

of rainbow pens that...

"we... we've gone dark

on these pens.

Get those goggles on

and really"...

What do you think happened

to the economy?

Here's what I think happened.

I'm not smart, like I said,

but this is what I think.

Did you ever play "Monopoly"

with your family

and been in charge of the bank

and not stolen money

from the bank?

Did anybody not?

Not 'cause you're even

a bad person.

Just... you got a little behind

on Ventnor or whatever,

you know.

You're a good person.

Got a little behind,

and then you were gonna

put the money back.

The second you passed "Go,"

you were gonna put it back.

Things just got out of hand.

Did anybody not do that

in this whole room?

No, not one?

Yeah.

So that's how all of you

apparently would treat

your whole...

Your family for...

To get some toy money,

that's what you would do

to your own family.

So just now imagine

it's a real bank

with real money,

and you're playing

against strangers

that you don't even

give a shit about.

How well do you think

you would do in that position,

seeing as how you would

step on your own mother's throat

for an orange $500 bill?

How well do you think

you'd do with...

And that is how

the economy works.

By the way, can I tell you guys

about this book I read

that has changed my life?

It's called "Mountain,

Get Out of My Way"

by Montel Williams.

Have you...

In this room right now,

have you had a chance to read

"Mountain, Get Out of My Way"?

Do you know the book?

It's from 1996.

It's an older book.

Montel is on the cover,

like, looking right at you

like you're a mountain,

and he said

to get out of his way.

You know, he's waiting,

'cause mountains don't

get out of your way,

so you're just...

"Just gonna sit there,

mountain?"

"You win this round,

mountain."

Yeah.

Well, this is the best part.

"Mountain,

Get Out of My Way."

If you missed your chance,

go on Amazon.

One cent!

You're not just gonna see,

for one cent,

what Montel has to tell you?

For one penny?

He's more than

meeting you halfway here, guys.

He can't go lower than that.

You're gonna have to

put some effort in now.

Well, guess what.

You can't even get a copy

'cause I bought

every remaining copy for $50.

I got 5,000 copies

of "Mountain, Get Out of My Way"

right now.

It's a lot.

They're just, like,

in a mountain right now

in front of my roommate's door.

He can't get in his room,

and he's always...

Comes in yelling at me.

"How am I supposed

to get around this, Kurt?"

Like, "The answer's

in your hand, dude.

"Open it up.

I can't do your work for you.

Let Montel mon-tell you

the answer."

Yeah, that's what I say.

To my roommate, Steve,

I said that.

Doesn't that sound so gay?

"My roommate, Steve"?

Just like... that's, like,

the gayest sentence I ever said.

Sounds gay.

But we're not gay.

But it sounds pretty gay.

I wish I could

hold my head up high

and say that's what it is,

you know?

But I'm just 36,

and I have to have a roommate,

and I live in

Washington Heights,

and I have no insurance.

So it's the reality.

I might lie to my mom

and say we're gay

to dress it up a little bit.

She's worried about me.

Mom, I will get insurance

through Steve's work

when this country

changes its attitude

about our love.

Stop...

Yeah.

But it sounds very gay.

"My roommate, Steve."

That sounds like the title

of a children's book

to teach kids about gayness,

doesn't it?

This new kind of...

"My Roommate, Steve."

Sometimes Uncle Kurt comes over

with his roommate, Steve,

and they press lips

like mommies and daddies.

I go, "Why, Mommy?"

'Cause Uncle Kurt

needs insurance real bad.

That's why.

The end.

The end.

Are you guys... how do you feel

about gay marriage?

You guys for gay marriage?

Good.

Yeah.

Yeah, I'm not for that,

but, you know.

Whatever you guys are into.

Whatever you're into, man.

Yeah, I'm not for that.

I know... everybody's like,

"What's the big deal?

"Who are they hurting?

"Two people love each other.

How does it hurt us,

right?"

Well, I'll tell you

how it hurts us.

If you're not from here,

from America,

you might not understand this,

but it takes God's protection

off our nation.

Do you understand that?

I know... it's probably

a big joke to you, but...

Fancy city atheists.

Right?

"Who cares"...

We got a Constitution

that he gave us,

and part of it...

A big part of it...

Is that you got to use

your holes the right way.

I'm sorry to tell you.

So I'm not gonna tell you

what you want to hear.

God watches your holes all day,

like, literally, morning...

till night.

That's any... any religion.

That is 3/4 of your religion,

is,

you got to use your holes

the right way.

'Cause the Creator

of the infinite universe

who made star...

The universe is huge.

It's gigantic.

And God's, like, even bigger.

He made... he's bigger than that.

And then, like, the...

Like, the earth's not even...

It's, like, on the tip.

You know, like,

right on the edge of his finger

like that, and then...

Then he just watches

your asshole through a...

Like... he has, like,

a jeweler loupe.

Like, "What?

Let's see.

"Let's see what my creation

is up to

"with those buttholes

"that I was nice enough

to give them.

"Probably just pooping

out of them

"like they're supposed to.

Let me just take a..."

And it flies out of his eye.

His yarmulke falls off his head;

he's so upset.

"That's not how I said

to do that!

"You just voided

the warranty, pal.

"I hope you're happy.

"I'm not fixing that for you.

"That's not normal

wear and tear,

"what you just did.

"That's not normal.

"I didn't think

I had to write instructions

for your poop hole."

So then we lose protection.

Then we lose protection.

And then what happens is,

let's say we live next door

together,

and you're a good Christian guy,

doing what you're supposed to

with your wife,

just living, reading your Bible,

slaying pussy

like Christ commanded,

not thinking about wieners.

And then I live next door

to you.

I'm just getting my asshole

whaled on day after day.

You're sitting there

in your family home...

A parade of dudes coming in,

just stretching me out, dude,

and, like, you just hear it

all the time

'cause the walls are thin.

You just hear

a man's head just...

There's a man behind him

just ripping his crinkle

in half,

and you're just sitting there

trying to ignore

the sodomy.

You're trying to read

Paul's letter to the Corinthians

and ignore it,

just doing the right thing.

Right?

So then when the sky Jew

sends his fire down,

we both die.

You understand?

I don't want to be

collateral damage

in God's homo drone strikes.

And I don't think

I'm out of line to say that.

Think about other people.

Think about other people

instead of thinking with

your gaping winker.

You know, gay...

This is in all seriousness.

I don't know if you know

a lot of gay people,

but if you know any gay men,

ask them.

They don't really do

all this anal

that everyone thinks.

You know that?

Everybody thinks

it's like a big ass party

they're having all day.

That's what everybody thinks,

but they don't really do that.

Like, ask somebody.

Half or more,

what I've been told,

don't do any anal anything...

Just oral and hand jobs

and middle school girl

bullshit, basically.

Shocking and a little bit

disappointing,

to be honest with you.

Thought they were

a lot cooler than that.

No anal.

If I was gay, I wouldn't put up

with that shit

for two seconds, dude.

Be like, "Bro, where's the anal?

"We're gay.

"This is what you call gay?

"I can do this at football camp.

"I came here to break out

the skoosh,

"and let's do this.

Get that squatch out."

Yeah.

Here, let me family it up

a little bit.

That is... here's how

out of line that is.

That's like

if you had someone over

for Thanksgiving dinner

and then just served

mashed potatoes the whole dinner

and nothing else.

And then you're the guest...

You're just sitting there,

a guest at that...

Just having plate after plate

of mashed potatoes.

Like, "Okay, is the turkey

coming eventually,

"because it's Thanksgiving?

That's what you do

on Thanksgiving."

And you're like,

"I'm just comfortable

making mashed potatoes.

I'm not ready to make

a turkey."

Be like, "All right, well,

I want potatoes.

"That's a big part of it,

"but that ain't what

this holiday is about,

"ultimately.

It's about moist turkey...

Moist, gaping turkey."

Think I got to explain

Thanksgiving to you.

Yeah.

And also I think you should

consider this, you know.

How many just terrible things

happen in the world...

Just, like, genocides

and atrocities in the world,

all that stuff...

How much of that

do you think is caused

when... by somebody who was gay

and they couldn't just be gay?

And they, like,

pushed it down, right,

and it made them crazy,

and they took it out

on the world,

and then a terrible thing

happened that killed... right?

How many things, do you think?

My guess is all of them.

Like, all of everything

that's ever happened.

That's what I guess.

So just let people be...

Do what they want, right?

Just... "Isn't world peace worth

a few destroyed buttholes?"

is my only message.

And I know

that's a heavy thing to say,

because let's face it,

straight man ass virginity

is the most precious virginity.

The most sacred virginity

of all virginity

is a straight man's asshole.

Yeah.

You thought your vagina?

You think your...

You think your stupid pussy

is even close to my untouched...

You think that?

What's wrong with you?

My butthole's worth

1,000 teenage Mormon vaginas.

That's how valuable

this virginity right here is,

this little piece of property

right here.

'Cause you might be saving

your vagina for marriage

or something stupid.

Well, guess what.

I'm saving my asshole

for no one.

And I'm gonna be in heaven,

all glorious.

Just gonna be in heaven,

watching over you,

my beautiful...

That happens a lot.

So come out of the closet.

That's what I'm saying.

I came out of the closet.

You know that?

For being straight, though.

'Cause I was...

I used to be a minister.

I was a Jehovah's Witness,

right?

And I was a minister.

Did I mention that?

I was a minister.

And... yeah.

That's how I know so much

about God.

You did not just hear

that discourse

of a guy who's trained

in theology?

Like, a guy who gets it?

But when I was six,

I used to knock on doors

when I was six years old,

which... that sounds,

like, dangerous,

to go to a stranger's house now.

I mean, I was with an adult,

but it's still, like, a...

It just sounds dangerous.

But you don't hear about

Jehovah's Witnesses

getting, like, grabbed up

by a maniac.

You never hear about it,

because nobody wants to talk

to Jehovah's Witnesses.

Even a maniac

with a severed human head

will hide behind his couch

with the...

"You think they're gone?

"Why would they do this

to people

"at 9:00 in the morning?

I got stuff to do,

you know?"

Yeah.

So I had to come out

of the closet for pussy, dude.

'Cause in the Bible...

If anybody was raised Christian,

if you're not married

and you have heterosexual sex,

that's as bad as being gay.

It's the same level...

Like, if you're just

having normal,

like, missionary,

whatever you do... whatever...

Just regular, you know,

nothing crazy?

That, you might as well

have shit on her tits

in the eyes of God.

That is what it says.

I'm paraphrasing,

but that is what it says.

It's... it's disgusting.

So my whole family

was gonna stop talking to me,

and I had to admit to my mom...

I had to call on the phone,

and I got to tell you...

I don't understand

what the problem is.

If you're wrestling with it,

like, just man the fuck up.

It's not hard, okay?

It wasn't hard for me.

'Cause let's face it,

if you're into it,

pussy is so much better

than your family, isn't it?

Like...

Your annoying family,

pain-in-the-ass family.

Put them right there

and then think of pussy, right?

Like, it took me two minutes

to make that decision.

"Hey, Mom, I'm out!

Fist pump!

Jersey!"

Click.

You can't just do that?

I get along with my mom

great now, though.

But we got in an argument

not too long ago,

'cause she thinks...

She thought...

I don't know

if she thinks it now.

She thought vaccinations

cause autism

because she saw MTV scientist

Jenny McCarthy.

Can't ignore that.

When Jenny McCarthy...

Something falls out of her face?

You got to listen to that,

right?

And by the way, it turned out

Jenny McCarthy's son,

thank God, by the way,

was not autistic, okay?

He was just half Canadian,

and it looks...

It can fool people.

But... yeah.

My mom was like,

"Well, where did all this autism

come from, then?

"You know, there was no autism

when I was in school,

right?"

Because they didn't know

how to diagnose autism properly,

and that's why.

You used to just call

those kids nerds.

You remember that?

There was a lot more nerds

and much less autistic kids,

and then they figured out

that you have to treat

those children

instead of just whaling

dodgeballs at them

in gym class,

which is the original treatment

for childhood autism.

Do you know how lucky you are

if you are autistic now

and not 30 years ago?

Some gym teacher...

"This kid is not dodging."

"He's just counting the balls.

"Like... I mean, I'm not a doctor,

but I think this is...

I think we got a nerd

on our hands."

I'm trying to quit smoking.

It's really...

I almost was about to quit

because of Terry the smoker.

Do you remember her?

The lady with the hole

in her throat on TV?

Yeah, that was a good ad,

because it really...

She takes half her face off

on the thing, and it...

And they ran that all day long,

and I'd be by my window smoking,

and then she would come on.

I'll never forget what she said.

Do you remember her message?

She goes...

Touche, Terry.

Wow.

Great point, Terry.

Thank you for saving my life

right now.

God bless Terry.

Yeah.

That's effective.

That's a very effective message.

And then...

But now what happened is...

She passed away, sadly,

so now they replaced her

with this new guy, okay?

I was really feeling Terry.

This new guy, Nathan...

You ever seen Nathan?

Do you know Nathan?

Nathan... here's Nathan's story.

And they use the same music

and background.

Nathan is Native American,

and he used to love to do

his native dances,

and he had too much

secondhand smoke at his job,

and now he can't dance

as much as he would like to.

The end.

That's the... yeah.

Really?

Okay.

After the lady

with the hole in her throat,

you're gonna go with Nathan's

fake dancing problems.

Let's not pretend

like that's the hardest dance

in the world, Nathan.

You're just stomping

in a circle.

It's not the Harlem Shake,

buddy.

And also, Nathan's 400 pounds.

Really, Nathan?

It was the secondhand smoke

at work,

that's why you don't dance

as much?

Is that what you tell the tribe

when they want to dance

with you?

Like, "You guys go ahead.

"I'm gonna be by this buffet

"just firsthand face-fucking

a plate of biscuits.

"While you keep

our traditions alive,

"I'll be here,

mashing food in my face.

Smoke."

And whose job has

that much secondhand smoke

in modern times,

enough to make you not dance?

Wow, you don't think...

All right, do you think

it was this...

And I hope it's not this,

and if it is this,

I'm gonna apologize to Nathan

and everyone here right now.

God forbid.

You don't think his job was,

like,

he had to stand really still

in a cigar store?

We don't do that to them, do we?

No, if that's what happened,

I apologize.

I am sorry...

If they did that to him

and he had to stand...

"Just stand there, Nathan!

Hold still while I smoke,

Nathan!"

"Please, I want to dance

my native dances."

"Shut up, Nathan!"

It's not that.

It's not that.

Did any of you guys buy

a "Rolling Stone"...

Collector's item probably...

"Rolling Stone"

of that Boston bomber kid?

When you read their names

for the first time,

those two guys,

were you like me?

Were you like, "My God.

Dinosaurs did this to us?"

"Really?"

"Dokasaurus Triceratops

"and his brother,

Pterodactyl Triceratops,

"came to this nation

from millions of years ago...

"that's what you're telling me...

"and somehow made bombs.

I don't know.

I've seen it all now."

They caught those guys

pretty fast...

The Boston Marathon bombers.

But I was very impatient.

I was like, "How come

I don't know right now

who did this?"

Because they didn't leave

a note.

What's so hard about

just leaving a note

after you murder

a bunch of people?

Can you just leave a little

"This is why this happens,"

so I don't have to sit there

wondering what everybody's...

Right?

Is that hard?

Even a dick like Bin Laden

would drop you a mixtape

twice a year

and let you know.

You get a Christmas card

from your family.

You get a Bin Laden tape.

"What's up with you guys?"

"I'm gonna kill all of you,

"so keep an eye out for that.

"It's me.

When it happens,

this guy did it."

Little bit of courtesy

not to much to ask for.

I don't know...

Why do terrorists...

I don't understand why,

like, Al-Qaeda or any...

Why do they even plot against us

anymore?

Like, why do they bother?

Just, like, leave us

with our gun collection, man.

Like, we got this.

They don't have to... you know?

Don't you think, when

a terrible shooting happens,

like, every other week,

how it happens...

Do you ever think about

how that hurts Al-Qaeda,

like, how that hurts them

inside?

To just...

They had one hit in 2001

and nothing that good

ever again.

They can't even keep up

with, like,

American Asperger kids

in senseless murdering.

Isn't that... that's got

to hurt you a little bit.

Trying to make plans,

and you're like,

"All right, we're gonna go

"to a movie theater

and shoot everyone

"in that theater.

They...

They did that already?"

"What movie was it?

"The new 'Batman'?

"Like, they were coming out

of the movie,

"and then the guy...

"they didn't even

get to see the movie?

"By Allah, that's cold.

"You don't even let a guy...

"he stood in line all night.

"You're not gonna just let him

see if Bane's cool or not?

"I don't even know what to do,

man.

"I'm gonna just go back

to working at my dad's Wendy's

or something and...

My dad's airport Burger King."

I guess what

I'm trying to say is,

how many more white people

have to die

before we get serious

about gun control?

No, how many is enough

precious white people?

- Damn!

It's... it's enough!

- I mean, call me old-fashioned.

Hey.

Call me old-fashioned,

but when I was coming up

and something happened

to white people,

we did something about it.

We didn't argue.

Joke's a 50/50,

but I do it every time.

But I love guns.

I'm not gonna lie.

I do love guns,

because I wasn't allowed

to play with toy guns

when I was a kid.

My mom took, like... 'cause she...

A lot of people think like this.

If you play with guns,

violent video games and...

You're gonna be violent.

The stupidest... you're...

If you think that, in this room,

you're a moron.

You really are stupid.

There's...

No one has ever shot anyone

because they were having

a great time

doing something they loved.

That has never happened once

in human history.

That's never happened.

You don't attack and kill people

because of fun reasons.

You do it because of

not fun reasons,

like you got fired

or broken up with, right?

Or, like, One Direction

doesn't write you back,

let's say,

and you were with them

from the start.

From the start,

you were with them,

and they don't say nothing?

They give you a form letter?

Someone's getting shot for that.

Not fun reasons, right?

So my mom gave me...

She took all the guns...

She took all the guns

off of my "Star Wars" men

and then just gave me the men.

Here's some men to play with.

Those are action figures!

That's the action:

the gun.

That's the action part of...

Now it's a doll.

Now I have dolls.

Thanks for the dolls.

"Hey, Darth Vader,

I don't have a weapon.

Let's just make out

'cause Kurt's mom's a dick."

we can't be violent.

Remember how Luke had a sword...

His lightsaber

came out of his arm?

On the... and she just

took the lightsaber out,

and there's just...

Now he's got a flashlight.

That's... now he's got a little...

And gently...

And I went to Alaska, which...

I don't know

if you ever been there,

but if you ever get the chance

to go to Alaska,

go to Hawaii instead of Alaska.

I would say don't bother

with Alaska.

It's not... there's no reason

to be there.

It's... I don't know.

People think it's God's country

or something

'cause there's mountains.

I don't understand

how people think,

but it's more like

a letter from God

that he doesn't give a fuck

about you.

Those mountains kill you;

all that stuff kills you.

And then you meet the people,

and it's like a letter from God

that abortion is fine.

"Hey, take a mulligan.

It's no big loss."

No, it's... a guy asked...

I was in a suburban area,

and a dude asked me

to bum a needle.

Like a cigarette.

He asked me for a needle like...

I've lived in every borough

of New York.

That's never happened to me.

A passerby...

"Do you have a spare needle?"

It's... Yeah.

And it was, like,

an eight-to-one

male-to-female ratio

where I was.

Eight-to-one.

And that one ain't good.

You don't want that one.

But, very confident.

Very confident fat chick

with a sled dog name,

I must say.

Really, Blue?

You're too good for me?

All right.

Wait, wait.

I'm not anti fat chick,

and I hope that does not...

I'm not coming across that way,

because I'm pro fat chick, okay?

My numbers are pretty clear

that I'm pro fat chick.

If you go to the record books,

I'm pretty cool.

But don't act

like you're too good for me now,

fatso, 'cause it's Alaska.

That's really... price gouging me

like I'm in...

Coming at me like

an airport Whopper, basically?

Like an $11 airport Whopper.

I know how much a Whopper

is supposed to be.

It ain't a steak

'cause I'm at the airport.

Yeah.

This is how...

I know it sounds mean to you,

but you don't understand

what they're like.

Like, some guy

went on before me.

I was doing a show,

and the first guy made a joke

that you would let Brad Pitt

harass you at work

because he's hot,

and a 300-pound waitress

next to me

yells at the top of her lungs,

"If Brad Pitt touched my ass,

I'd call the police."

Like she was angry at

just the thought of that, of...

Really?

That makes you that mad?

If Brad Pitt, like, right now,

came down from heaven

to this frozen shithole

that you live in

and actually touched

the beanbag chair

you call an ass

with his beautiful,

golden hands,

with his beautiful little

kabbalah strings hand...

You would call a cop?

You wouldn't call

all the papers in Alaska

to announce the greatest moment

of any Alaskan's life?

That's what you're telling me?

'Cause I wouldn't call the cops

on Brad Pitt.

If Brad Pitt grabbed my ass,

that'd be the most

interesting thing about me,

basically.

I mean, most of this show

would have been about

that experience.

The whole beginning...

He could be real mean about it.

Just hook his hand up

and really, like...

"What are you gonna do

about it, Kurt?

"I'm grabbing your ass

like a fat waitress.

What do you think of that?"

"Nothing, sir.

Thank you very much.

Thank you for your work

in the Sudan and this."

'Cause I was raised right.

By the way,

here's a fun fact about Alaska

that I bet you didn't know.

They just made it illegal

to have sex with animals there

in 2011.

Yeah, finally got that

on the books...

The "don't have sex

with animals" law.

Because it was becoming

a problem.

And if you see the women

they have there,

I got to believe

a lot of these guys

are making an honest mistake,

because it gets very dark.

By the way, I apologize

for all these jokes.

Did I apologize enough?

I live here,

so it makes you kind of...

Kind of messes your head up

a little bit

to live here for long enough,

you know?

It makes you crazy.

It's a rough place, New York.

Even if it's not like

how it used to be,

it's still intense.

Guys, it's just so much money

to live here,

to be, like, so...

Like, this close to everyone

all the time.

You're just jammed up

with everybody.

And, you know,

I don't know if you're all...

If you're not from here,

like, sometimes you wake up

and there'll just be,

like, a black dick

just mushed right in your face.

Like, first...

Like, nine times out of ten,

that's how you wake up.

Yeah.

Can't believe it.

You just wake up,

and you're like, "My God.

"This is $2,600 a month

to have this guy's

giant dick in my eyelids

when I wake up."

I'm exaggerating that

a little bit, but, I mean...

You have to ask for that.

That's not just gonna come...

That's not coming

with your apartment.

For $2,600, you think

you're getting dick

in your face?

No.

That's $3,000 easy, now.

Extra special features

like that...

I had a friend in Tampa

complain to me

that he couldn't pay his rent...

In Tampa, Florida.

You can't make your rent

in Tampa, Florida?

You can't come up

with some possum soup

and gator teeth?

One time a month,

you can't go in

your swamp of a yard

and pay your shirtless landlord?

And... wow.

But it's rough,

and then the kids here...

You know, you ever see...

Meet kids

that grew up in New York,

in Manhattan itself?

They're, like... they're creepy.

It's... kind of like

how mature they are.

Like, they got over

a coke problem

in the sixth grade

and, like,

all that "Gossip Girl" thing.

You know, like,

they've just done it all.

They're like these

weird old vampire children.

Intimidate you,

yet they can't drive or swim.

Yeah.

I don't blame 'em,

growing up here.

I only lived here ten years,

and here's something I saw...

This is one of the worst things

I ever saw here.

I'm coming out of the subway

on 80th Street...

80th Street and Broadway, okay?

The 1 train.

And I'm... I'm coming out,

and there's a homeless guy

flat on his back

with, like, just his head

kind of propped up on the wall,

like, the most homeless

you could be, dude.

I mean, really.

Like, "I'm so homeless, dude."

Like, it was so...

You know, there's levels.

There's levels of it.

There's levels.

There's a bunch...

You know, there's guys out here

that are running around,

holding open the door...

There's go-getter homeless,

right,

and then there's this guy.

There's, like, a guy with a sign

who's just a white kid

with dreadlocks, right?

"I'm not coming to you."

Level two.

And then this poor bastard's

just like,

"I'm not even moving.

"Just my head will be up

and nothing...

I'm not moving

any other part of my body."

And you get numb to it.

You really get numb to it.

You get numb to homelessness

and glue traps for mice...

Those two things... here, I find.

Glue trap... that's the most

horrific trap.

A mouse will pull their face off

on that.

It's the most vicious...

I mean,

I remember leaving one out.

I lived at this place

in the Village

that had mice, okay?

And I left one out,

and then I'd put them in a bag

and take it downstairs

and stomp on it,

'cause you have to.

I'm not gonna leave him

to pull his own face off.

So I got to do the right thing

and stomp this thing, right?

I was sh... I was on my couch...

I'm like...

Dude, I was traumatized.

Living creature that...

So guess what.

Six traps in,

I don't give a fuck, bro.

I'm like... I'm leaving 'em out.

Just die slowly, mouse.

I don't give...

Tell everyone.

Tell all the mice

what happened to you.

I'm, like, apoc...

I'm like Colonel Kurtz now.

"Apocalypse Now" of mice

right now.

I made a friend of horror.

And you got to do that

with the homeless too.

But...

Not put them in glue traps.

That's... wow.

Let me back up.

Make...

Please, do not put the homeless

in glue traps.

But you get numb to it.

But this really got to me,

seeing this guy like this,

because there were two lines

of people

coming in and out of the subway,

and they, like,

didn't even see him.

Like, they just didn't

even notice the guy.

This guy, like...

I mean, it was striking

how fucked up he was,

and you don't even look at him?

That's not right.

That's, like...

That's a human being, right?

So I'm like, "You know what?

"When I walk by that guy,

I am gonna make eye contact

with him."

"Yeah, I'm not gonna give him

any money or nothing,

but I'm gonna make

meaningful eye contact."

'Cause that is probably

valuable to him,

a guy on the floor

of some stairs,

if I come over and... ""

I see that you're homeless.

Take that with you.

"I'm a beautiful man."

So I'm getting close

to do my good deed,

and then when I got close,

I saw his pants were down,

which I didn't notice

from a distance.

When I was judging

the other people,

I didn't see that his pants

were all the way down.

And his arm was...

His arm was going pretty hard.

Yeah.

That thing was going.

And... but now it's too late.

I'm here for some eye contact.

"Hey!

"Look who's here

for some eye contact.

This guy!"

What?

I almost trip... yeah.

So I just... like a horror movie,

I followed his arm, like...

Yeah.

And do you know what I saw?

Well, there's no good way

to say it.

He had his hand

up his own asshole.

That's what I saw.

Yeah, that's the surprise twist

of the story,

was that he was fisting

his own asshole.

Yeah.

Yeah, you heard what I said.

You thought I was gonna say

he was jerking off.

Is that what you thought?

Country mouse, no.

No, no.

My...

You're a sweet kid.

Aren't you nice?

No, this is New York City.

They fist themselves here.

They fist their own asses here.

Just tearing into it

like it's a croissant.

My goodness, sir.

Yeah, not even sexual,

by the way.

It was frantic.

Like, let's say

you couldn't find your keys

in your asshole.

How you would...

"Do I not have my keys?"

Yeah, going to town.

And then...

Right then, we made eye contact,

meaningful eye contact.

Like...

Who looked away first?

He did.

That's who.

He did.

You don't back out of that

and show weakness.

Also, you get in fights

with people here

that you don't expect.

Like, it's not like fights

where you just like...

You know, I think I'm gonna

fight some guy my size.

You get in fights with

just random people of all...

Old ladies.

You know, like, you fight with,

like, a weird variety of people,

a lot of times about cabs.

I get in a lot of cab fights.

'Cause there's just not enough

cabs here.

I don't know what's going on,

but I can't... sometimes...

This is no lie.

Using all of my whiteness,

I cannot...

Just stand at the corner.

They just drive by me with,

like, whiter people than me?

I don't know what's happening.

There's gingers and albinos

laughing at me.

Calling me mean words.

So I got in a fight

with this lady for a cab,

and so I called her, like...

Well, have you ever seen...

Did you ever see

the movie "Precious"?

Have you guys seen "Precious"?

Black people, have you seen,

not "Precious"...

Have you seen "Precious"?

- Yeah.

- Okay.

Have you seen...

But this is more...

This is a more important

question.

Have you seen

"The Human Centipede,"

which is like our "Precious"?

That's, like, our very...

Movie for white people to watch.

It's, like, the same kind of...

Like, it's like people

trapped in a bad situation.

They don't know

how to eat right.

You know?

Don't have a good diet,

so it's like, it doesn't

end up good for them.

But here's my problem

with "Precious."

That's not a true story.

That's made up.

Do you know that?

That's not a real girl.

They made her up.

Why are you making up this girl

and doing these things to her?

What... like, who's getting

helped by that,

from "Precious"?

'Cause I'll tell you

who's not getting helped.

Girls that look like Precious,

their lives are destroyed

right now.

Their lives were ruined

by that movie,

'cause I got news for you...

You piss me off

and look like Precious,

I'ma call you Precious.

Like, you don't even

have to look like her that much.

So I called this lady

White Precious,

and she looked very surprised,

like...

She thought she couldn't

get called Precious

'cause she was white.

Bam!

White Precious!

That's how clever I am.

Quick on my feet.

'Cause we were

fighting over a cab, you know?

And I was just running late.

I was an hour late

for something.

I couldn't find any cabs,

and I finally see

one cab coming.

And there's White Precious

getting my cab.

But I didn't call her

White Precious for that.

I went up to her,

and I go, "Excuse me, miss.

"Do you think we could

share this cab?

"Like, I'm really desperate,

and I'm late,

"and I'll pay you for your ride,

wherever you got to go.

I just got to get

to where I'm going."

And then this

is her exact reaction.

"My God,

get the fuck away from me!

Help! Help me! Help me!

Somebody help me!"

I'm doing exactly what she did.

Like, if you were being

sexually assaulted

in broad daylight

how you should yell,

'cause I asked to share a cab.

And I didn't call her

White Precious for that, okay?

The first thing I did

was check to see

if my dick was out

just to be... just to be extra...

Like, before we start yelling

"White Precious" at people,

maybe your penis

is on the outside

of your pants,

and that's why you can't...

You know?

If everybody's yelling

and there's no cabs for you.

"Miss, please, I'm desperate.

"Can you...

"I'll pay any amount of money

that you want

if you would just let me

cram in there."

Yeah.

So it was in my pants.

I go, "Shut up, White Precious!

"Nobody's coming at you

in a sexual way.

What am I, your dad?"

That is a direct...

I'm telling you

a real quote from me.

Yeah, I said that,

and then... and she goes,

"If you don't stop harassing me,

I'ma call the police."

I go, "Call a cop right now.

"I want to see a cop's face

when you tell him

"that I attempted to scale

and rape you.

"I want him to write that on...

"I want him to take out a pad

"and have to write that

with a straight face,

"that, in broad daylight,

"I thought I'd throw it all away

"and tackle a dump truck

and lift up its flannel shirt

"to find a fuckin' opening.

"Call a cop.

I'll wait.

"I'll wait.

Call a cop.

Go ahead, call a cop."

Yeah.

I take it too far sometimes.

Way overboard with that.

And then she did call the cops,

and it got kind of real

because I don't know

if you ever heard yourself

getting described to the police

by someone

who's calling the police,

but it's very upsetting...

Like, you know,

how you stick out.

Like, "He has very strange

eyebrows and nostrils.

"I don't know if he's Turkish

or something.

I don't know what the hell"...

And then she goes,

"He has a blue gym bag."

And when she said

"blue gym bag,"

I was like, "Shit,"

because I had just bought,

like, all my weed for the month

that, like, I had in this bag.

That's why I was late,

'cause I was buying

a month's supply of weed.

By the way, don't buy

a month's supply of weed.

You're not gonna make it

last a month, idiot.

So one second, I'm real cocky.

I'm like, "Yeah, fatso,

I'd like to see...

God, weed!"

And I had to run...

And I had to run in...

I ran into traffic

and hid at CVS

for 20 minutes

while the cops came.

So the moral of the story is,

you don't have to be nice

to people,

but just don't carry

illegal shit on you

while you're doing it.

That's all my time, guys.

Thank you so much.

Thank you very much

for coming to my show.

I appreciate it.

Thanks.