Kolonya Cumhuriyeti (2017) - full transcript

All characters and events in this film are fictitious.

Any resemblance to actual persons
and events is purely coincidental.

WELCOME TO THE
REPUBLIC OF COLOGNE

REPUBLIC OF COLOGNE
PRESIDENTIAL MANSION

1ST NOTARY OFFICE

HEALTHCARE CENTER

REPUBLIC OF COLOGNE
COURTHOUSE

Children, it’s time for history class.

Tell us, Muzaffer,
how was our country established?

Our country was established two
years ago by Peker Mengen.

Peker Mengen came to our country when it was
a town, as a mayoral candidate.



-He understood our people better than everyone.
-WOULD YOU BE WITH ME?

Walk on for 100 meters and then
just ask around, sir.

Don’t let everyone on stage!
I’m giving a speech here.

We’re not letting anyone
on stage, sir!

Dear people of Dikburun!

If I am elected...

...I promise to make our pretty peninsula
town of Dikburun...

...a province!

I will make Dikburun famous around the world!

For example...

...I will invite Rihanna to
sing at a local event!

Rihanna will come! Rihanna!

Rihanna! Rihanna! Rihanna!

If Rihanna is coming, you have my vote!



I’ll introduce you to her, hopefully!

If I win the mayoral post, I’ll get the
Prime Minister to come here!

The Prime Minister will come here
and play backgammon with Mr. Hıdır!

He’ll visit auntie Ayşe and...

...eat kısır, and ask for the recipe!

He’ll play football with our children
on our streets!

He’ll even be the goalkeeper!

He’ll be the goalkeeper!

That Prime Minister will come here!

The great mayor! The great mayor...

...Peker Mengen embraces his people...

Open your arms!

Do not fear!

Peker Mengen is next to a little boy.

An old gentleman.
He greets him warmly.

Bravo!

Peker Mengen is in close touch with
his people, alive or dead!

Peker Mengen has embraced his people,
and now he’ll join us.

We’d like to ask him.

Mr. Mengen...

You said you would bring the Prime Minister here.

What if you can’t?

After consulting with my advisors,
I claim that if I don’t bring him here...

...I’m the biggest jerk!

That’s what he said.

But even though three months have elapsed
since Peker Mengen won the election...

...the Prime Minister still hasn’t
visited our town.

Mayor Peker Mengen joins us live today.

I would like to ask him right away.

Are you a jerk?

I also promised to bring Rihanna.

I don’t understand why you focus on
the Prime Minister.

This is an utter distortion
of facts by the press!

Nobody actually cares about the
Prime Minister coming.

Ümit is now at the town square.

Ümit, let’s go right through to you.

Does nobody care about the Prime
Minister coming, as Mr. Mengen says?

-Where is the Prime Minister?

People are revolting because the Prime
Minister hasn’t visited the town.

People are burning a dummy of
Peker Mengen right now.

A dummy of Peker Mengen is being burned!

Sir, what’s going on?

My child hasn’t had any sleep
for six days!

He’s been waiting for the
Prime Minister to visit!

What a shame! Look what you’re
putting us through!

We got in a lot of debt...

...as we thought the Prime Minister
was coming. Shame on you!

Either the Prime Minister comes here...

...or we’ll beat up Mayor Mengen!

-We’ll beat him up, right?
-We’ll beat him up!

We’ll beat him up!

Back to you, Macide.

Right. You’ve heard the
anger of the crowd.

What will you say, Mr. Mengen?

Our people have no reason to panic.

Because they don’t yet know of my
latest plan to bring the Prime Minister.

What is that, sir?

I’ll set myself on fire!

If the Prime Minister doesn’t come here,
I’ll burn myself!

And the Prime Minister will
be responsible!

Here! I’ll burn myself all over!

I’ll burn here too!

The guilt of conscience will kill him!

Let everybody know!

I’ll burn myself all over!

My cuffs too!
I’ll burn myself whole!

-Give me some water.
-Here, have some.

The gasoline hurt my throat, Macide.

Give me a cigarette, man.

Take that off.

I’ve done so much for you.

I delivered promises.

You didn’t even call once!

Look what you’re putting me through!

It’s all because of my love.

Are you still living in the same house?
Have your children started school?

I’m losing my nerve...

I think we have an incoming phone call.

Hello?

Hello, Ms. Macide. This is the Prime Minister.

Mr. Prime Minister!

You’re coming, aren’t you?
Please say you’re coming.

Or I’ll set myself on fire!
I swear, I’ll burn myself!

Alright, man.
You made this such a big deal. I’m coming.

I thought so.

The ash fell on me!

Bring me a blanket or something! Macide!

-Don’t touch me!
-Give me something!

Damn!

I’m burning!

Yes, dear viewers.

The Prime Minister is officially
visiting Dikburun!

My friends, this is a blessed day for us!

As you know, the Prime Minister will come to
our peninsula on that road tomorrow.

Our duty is to prepare an unforgettable
welcoming ceremony for--

Salih, replace this thing! Get a new one.

Yes, Mr. Mayor, I’ll take care of that.

It should be an unforgettable ceremony.

So, give me your ideas.

Mr. Mayor, I’m thinking out loud...

In a lively atmosphere, the marching band
comes in, and we have folk dances and fireworks.

This idea really intrigues me.
I think it will be great.

-I think it won’t.
-I think it won’t be good at all.

-Bahtiyar!
-Mr. Mayor.

As your Public Relations Director,
here’s my idea.

You wear a tight white lycra t-shirt.

You’re wet with the breeze from the waves.

The Prime Minister comes in
breaking the waves on his jet ski!

He gets off, and you run along together.

And you embrace with desire!

What do you think?

We should first ask the Prime Minister’s
father for his hand!

That would be great PR!

Enough nonsense, Bahtiyar!

Don’t hit me with such silly ideas!

Bahtiyar!

I won’t open my mouth again!

And change those socks!

Wear something formal.

Yes, what else?

Sir, I think we should build a human tower.
And you should sit on top!

-I’m not taking that seriously.
-Or, the town square is decorated...

Lanterns everywhere.
Children sing anthems.

And you and the Prime Minister are side by side
on a great placard hanging on the utility pole!

And you’re sitting at the top of the pole!

Why must you make me sit on top of something?

I’m about to fire you, Salih!

Fire!

Right, fire!

I’ve got it, sir!

This time I’ve definitely got it!

We have these cannons
left over from the war, you know.

When the Prime Minister arrives, let’s
fire the cannons over to the sea.

I’ve got it!

Let’s fire cannons towards the sea!

I keep coming up with everything!
What are you guys good for, Hilmi?

We’re not on a good day, Mr. Mayor!

Get up! Let’s go prepare.

THE NEXT DAY

THANK YOU FOR COMING MR. PRIME MINISTER

VISIT OUR HOUSE, MR. PRIME MINISTER

WOULD YOU BE WITH ME?

Testing. Testing.

-I took three photos.
-Thank you.

Keep voting for us.

Salih, I’ve been at the mirror for three hours,
trying to decide which suit to wear!

I’m so excited! I want everything
to be perfect.

I’ve had no sleep at night,
thinking of the Prime Minister’s visit.

-Where is the gentleman who’ll fire the cannons?
-Right over there, sir.

Mr. Payidar will fire the cannons when
you instruct him to.

Here.

Hello, sir.

-He’s great. Who found him?
-I found him, sir.

If I left it to them, they would’ve
brought some stupid man!

Well done, Hilmi. Well done.

Sir, keep your eyes on me.

You’ll fire the cannons when
I give you the sign, okay?

Very well. If the preparations are done,
let’s start delivering our speech.

Go over there, boy.

Don’t walk around!

What did I ask you when I took office?

“Would you be with me?”

I promised to bring you the Prime Minister.

And here he comes!

The Prime Minister is coming!

We promised you Rihanna...

The Prime Minister is coming!

The Prime Minister is coming!

The Prime Minister is coming.

-He’s really here!
-He’s coming!

My God, thank you!

Move over! I’ll see him first!
Move over!

Sir!

The door.

I can open it.

Welcome, Mr. Prime Minister!

Mr. Payidar, fire!

Was that an American ship that sank?

Yes, sir.

It was an American battleship.

It suffered a hole in the middle due to the
cannonballs we have launched, and it is now sinking.

-What shall we do, sir?
-What shall we do, Mr. Director?

Mr. Mayor, what shall we do?

What shall we do, Mr. Prime Minister?

Mr. Prime Minister, let me explain. I can--

-What’s going on?
-Something went wrong and...

We cooked chicken for dinner!

The chicken is cooking!

We’re frying chicken!

We could eat we have, Mr. Prime Minister!

Please, Mr. Prime Minister!

Don’t push my mouth away!
We couldn’t even speak!

We were going to eat chicken!

I got you chicken for dinner!

We’re frying chicken!

Fried chicken!

Chicken...

No panic!

There’s one thing we have to do.

We don’t tell anybody!

If we don’t tell anybody,
nobody will know. Right?

Why are you running away!

You sank the ship like you were
playing Battleships!

The Prime Minister closed the window on me!

You screwed up the century-old Wilson Agreement!

But...

...no panic.

If we don’t tell anybody, nobody will know.

We’ll keep this a secret in our town.

They couldn’t.

Yes, dear viewers.

Cannons launched by Peker Mengen, who came up with
all sorts of ideas to pamper the Prime Minister...

...sank an American battleship
in international waters.

American President Tony Since hasn’t spoken yet, but
Peker Mengen spoke at the industrial zone.

The situation is under control.

I spoke to Mr. Suat, the welder.

He said he can repair the ship in three days.

-I didn’t.
-It will take five days at most.

No.

Speaking to the press after Peker Mengen sank
an American battleship, the Prime Minister said...

...”The actions of the ever problematic town of Dikburun
and Mayor Peker Mengen are unforgivable.”

And he expelled Dikburun from the country’s borders.

Yes, you heard me right!

Dikburun is set to become an independent country!

To learn what they’ll be doing about the border,
let’s go through to Ümit.

Ümit...

Macide, they’re not setting a border here.

They’re actually cutting us off!

The bulldozers are severing
our connection with the mainland.

We are becoming an island country!

I’ve got a construction foreman with me.
Sir, what’s going on?

We’re cutting off your town.

The land is soft. It’ll take two days.

The water will flood over here.

If you need a country cut off,
here’s my card.

The land is soft.

If a country needs to be cut off, we’ll
call him! Thank you, sir.

I have mayor Peker Mengen with me now.

Mr. Mengen, they’re cutting off the country.

Have you taken any precautions?

Our diplomatic efforts are underway.

And we’re applying our precautions
against this crisis.

-What kind of precautions?
-Bring buckets!

More buckets!

I’m here, Mr. Mayor!

Come on! Come on!

Faster!

-Push it back!
-I’ve got the rope, come on!

So come in.

So what will you do now! Come on!

Sir!

Yes, dear viewers.

As you can see on the map, Dikburun
has been severed from the mainland...

...and become a country.

A country with no economy, no national anthem,
not even a name.

We’re left out in the open.

That was an overreaction!

Why cut the town off?

Why would you cut the town off in anger?
Cut off the power or something!

Cut off the internet!

But why cut off the town like cutting pastry?

To think positively, sir...

...you promised to make the town a province,
and you made it a country!

Bahtiyar, I’ll positively beat you up!

Have you called the Prime Minister?

We keep calling him. He doesn’t answer.

Give me the phone.
Let’s try texting him.

“Don’t rush to a decision.”

-“Give us another chance.”
-Good.

-“We have never been truly united.”
-Wonderful.

Yes, I know.

“It was my mistake.”

“I messed up.” Smiling poop.

-“Blessed be the homeland!”
-That’s good enough.

-I’m sending it.
-Send it.

He’ll get back to me when he gets the message.

Read it! What did he say?

He says, “If you text this number again,
I’ll sue you.”

“Sorry, it was my cousin who wrote the message.”
Send it.

And get this thing repaired!

Sir!

Sir!

I’ve got good news and bad news.

Tell me the good news first, Hilmi.

There was a 6.5% increase in the
birth rate of pandas.

My God, thank you! That’s great.

What’s the bad news?

-America declared war on us!
-What!

As a town of 5000 people,
we’re at war with America?

-They’re making an announcement on TV.
-Turn it on, quick!

-Oh my God!
-Turn it on! Where’s the remote?

Bahtiyar sat on it.

I didn’t feel it, sir. Here.

You turn it on, Hilmi.

Madem o kara parçası artık bir ülke oldu...

...onlara savaş açacağız.

Bizim gemimizi patlatmak neymiş görecekler!

Onları haritadan sileceğiz!

Dikburun’u dümdüz edeceğiz!

What did he say they’d do to...

...President Peker Mengen?
I couldn’t understand that part.

He said they’ll f**k him!
How come you didn’t understand!

He said “seven f**k Peker”!

America loves us, but Peker is f***ed!
Even I understood that!

-He said “seven matirstik”.
-What’s “matirstik"?

I matirstik. You matirstik.

He, she, it matirstiks.

There’s an “s” there.

-No, I haven’t got it.
-Now, we got the “f**k”.

And then there’s “seven”.

Right, I got it.

They’ll screw you over seven times, sir!

And you seem so happy about that, Bahtiyar!

Sir, what shall we do?

I have a great idea.

Leave me alone for 15 minutes.

I’ll drown myself in the sea!

Mr. President.

Oh!

He’s going to drown!

He’s not going to drown!

Take your clothes off, quick!

Çakır, save him! Hurry!

Sir, I don’t wear underpants!

Just like I imagined!

Sir!

Let me go!

It’s Faruk, the banana boat guy!

Take me away from here! Let’s run away!

Sir, I’m thinking out loud.

Perhaps we should apologize.

Apologize.

I have a great idea.

We’ll apologize!

Get me live on TV right now.

ADDRESS TO AMERICA

Dear America.

I’m addressing you to do my best to alleviate
the minor problem between us.

Dear America. We may have accidentally
destroyed your ship, but we still love you.

You know what? In fact, we’re all
children of America, in a way.

I used to be blond when I was a little boy!

We’ve all grown up with Happy Meals!

I can’t even imagine the world without
Rambo and Rocky!

They say coke causes perforation in the stomach.

No way!

If it did, it would’ve perforated mine!

I drink two liters of coke a day.

I love it. Whoever says it’s harmful,
I’ll fight him!

Here’s my announcement.
My surprise for America.

Seattle, hear me! New York, New Jersey!

I hereby waive the visa requirement for America!

You can come to our country whenever you like.

Soccer is forbidden from now on!
Everyone will play baseball.

The Land of the Free, yo!

We couldn’t exist without you, ho!

Our address of apology will continue
after a short commercial break.

Cut!
I’ve got the feeling, sir!

Bahtiyar, where are those donuts?
I’ll kiss them and place them on my forehead!

Here, sir.

Sir!

Mr. President!

-I’ve got good news and bad news.
-What’s the bad news, Hilmi?

Mercury is in retrograde!
A hard week awaits the Virgo.

-Oh.
-Yes.

God help them. What’s the good news?

Russia and China are backing us!

America can no longer declare war on us!

On air!

Look at me, America...

...who do you think you are? Who are you?

What on earth was your ship doing there?

Fight us if you can!

Let me see you fight us!
We’ll see what Russia and China do to you!

You’ve tortured our black brothers for years!

You kept eating these things and became obese!

I’m addressing the whole world here!

If the same happens again, I’ll do the same!

Cut!

I’ve got the feeling again!

-Hilmi.
-Sir?

Are you sure?
Russia and China are behind us, right?

If they’re not, America will drill a hole in us!

Here, like I showed you, sir.

Well, well!

Articles from the sunken ship!

American cocktail!

Good day, Kamil!

Good day!

-Give it up.
-God damn you.

No way, man. I’ll talk to him.

We’re a country now, and we still get no raise!

Did I become his executive assistant to
carry him breakfast?

And he gets me to pay for it!
Has he any idea how much sujuk costs?

I’ll ask for a raise!

We’re a new country.

He has lots of expenses.

His financial situation is not good.

He should print money!

-Right.
-It’s his country!

Seek your rights!
Rights aren’t given, they’re taken!

We must talk to him about this.

I’m an angry man. I might beat him up.

I might smash his face.

I’ll beat him up if you like, Bahtiyar.

No sir.

No need for violence.

I’ll talk to him.

As Russia, as long as you’re behind us,
America can’t even pinch us, let alone bomb us!

Who is America anyway?

It’s all a show!

I rooted for Ivan Dragon in Rocky 4!

Yes, I was so sad when he lost.

When he lost, I... I kiss you too.

Davay davay.
My regards to the madam.

Was that the Russian President?
What did he say?

I don’t know, he spoke Russian!

Boys, we’ve gotten over the American
nightmare! Well done.

We could never have succeeded
without you, sir.

Sir, now that we’re a country, perhaps
we should talk about a raise.

Now that two countries back us,
you ask for a raise!

You traitor!

Raise, raise...

-What should he do, print money?
-Mr. President hasn’t even had his breakfast!

And you ask for a raise!

May my tongue fall off if I open my mouth again!

Sujuk, sir!

Thank you, Salih. With the news we
just got, I feel full already.

It’s all done and gone, sir.

No, Hilmi. We’re just getting started.

We are a country now.

We should think like a country.

Who is he talking to?

I said the whole world will talk about us.

And they are!

Because we are great.

Because we...

Who are we?

We don’t have a name!

Yes, it’s time to put a name on this country, sir!
Where is this country heading?

Sit down. It’s time to name our country.

Right.

Give me your ideas.

Here’s a name that symbolizes
friendship and brotherhood.

“Dostland!”

No way! There’s “Deutschland”.
People will think we copied them.

Of course they will. I’ve got it, sir!

“Brothers”. How is “Brothers”?

“Brothers”. That’s great, Hilmi.

That’s so good.

If the country catches on, we’ll open a new branch!

The Brothers Republic 2!

That would be great!

We’re not opening a kebab place!
We’re starting a country!

If it were a kebab place, “Brothers” would
be good, but not for a country.

At least that’s my opinion.

Let’s think big, boys. Salih?

“Britannia!”

No, Salih, it’s been done before.

A poetic one: “Buhranya”!

-More lasting, more emotional!
-Ne bu böyle ya?

I’ve got it!

“Aşk-ı Derya”!

Great! Perhaps Behlül should run the country!

And his uncle should catch him
as he smashes the opposition!

We can’t proceed with such silly ideas!

Oh, I’m getting this headache at the back
of my neck again!

Those ideas are just no good, boys!

Cologne, sir?

Good.

REPUBLIC OF COLOGNE
OFFICIALLY ESTABLISHED

That wasn’t what I said “Good” to!

He offered me cologne and I said “Good”!

Now we’re stuck with this name!

And you got a flag made too!

And you made it green! What is that!

I wanted cyclamen but they refused!

I’ve got good news, sir!
Mauritania has officially recognized us!

Who cares if Mauritania recognizes us, Hilmi?

Who is Mauritania?
I don’t recognize Mauritania!

PRESIDENT:
“I DON’T RECOGNIZE MAURITANIA”

Don’t spread every word I say!

Screw that!

PRESIDENT: “SCREW THAT”

I’ll smash your face in! Enough of this!
I have a country to run!

I have a country to run!
Don’t make me mad! I’ve had enough!

Enough! Hilmi!
I’ll smash your face!

I swear! Enough!

Are you a guys a curse upon me or what!

-Enough!
-Enough! That’s enough!

-Hilmi!
-How can Mr. President trust you!

Enough!

But you kept hitting the same place!

-Shut up!
-Alright!

Hilmi, I’ve taken care of him!

I haven’t been beaten so much by my father!

-Your father, right!
-Wait, stop! Hilmi!

Enough!

Enough.

Calm down.

Enough, boys!

I have a country to run! I can’t
deal with your nonsense!

Give me that!

Enough.

Enough.

I’m so tired.

Enough.

Alright, calm down.

Hilmi.

Give me...

...give me today’s schedule.

-What’s on today’s schedule?
-Sure, Mr. President.

Write the constitution...

Compose the national anthem...

Print money...

Establish the parliament...

All that is easy...

...I feel we’re missing something
more important, boys.

Mr. President, we should find you
a First Lady!

No president can be without a First Lady!

That’s it! Come on, let’s find me a wife.

I think the constitution is more important.

That’s nonsense, Hilmi!

She’s called the First Lady for a reason!
Women first!

That’s what I was saying!
We need to find you a woman first.

At least that’s my opinion.

Right, come on, let’s find me a woman.

Give me your ideas.

Let’s find her the way everyone
finds one, Mr. President!

How?

Welcome to First Lady Cologne!

Tonight, the Republic of Cologne selects
its First Lady!

Yes, Salih.

Now, we invite Mr. Peker Mengen to the stage!

Hello, I’m Peker.

At times I may be a rude hyena...

...and at other times a die-hard romantic.

I have a country. I’m its President.

I set my own wage.

My negative sides are...

...America is after me!

Let’s have some applause as Mr. President
takes his seat!

Ladies and gentlemen, here are the ten
prettiest women of the Republic of Cologne!

Mr. President, here are the candidates.

Maybe.

This one?

No way.

No.

Just pay this one’s pension and get her to retire!

Couldn’t get any worse.

Okay.

Who is this?

Greetings, my land of Cologne!

I’m Mualla Ateş.

I came to be a wife for our president...

...a sister to you...

...and the scourge of our cursed enemies!

I came to rise like the sun
over my land of Cologne!

And you, Mr. President...

...I came to flow in the love
arteries of your heart...

...to become one with you...

...and drink from your fountain of love.

Hilmi, arrest her!
She’s too dangerous.

Move over!

Anything you like among the rest, sir?

The rest is a funeral! A memorial service!

A forty-day mourning period!

It’s a queue of pensioners!

There are women among them
the age of my midwife, Hilmi!

Mr. President, a correction:
She is actually your midwife!

She kept saying “I found him first! He’s mine!”

-She insisted!
-So what am I supposed to do, Hilmi?

Should I screw my midwife? God forgive me...

That’s a new take on the old swear word!

Sorry, I was late.

I’m Buse.

So you’re Buse...

...I want Buse!

Get me Buse!

Please, let me have Buse, Hilmi!
I want her. Let’s get me Buse!

Let’s get her for me and I’ll
give her the country!

Bahtiyar!

Eliminate everyone over 30!

Right, the director is now giving me an update...

Contestants over the age of 30 have been eliminated!

Auntie, all over 30 eliminated. Come on.

I’m 30! My father registered my
birth certificate late!

Come on, auntie...

Your father might have registered you on
the Orkhon inscriptions!

I’m not leaving!

Please! This is a serious competition!

I didn’t want to reveal him,
but there’s actually a man among you!

That’s such a shame!

We could’ve been very happy.

My favorite is gone!

Are you kidding me!

Come on, leave now!

My dear people!

As you can see, we have two finalists.

If you want Buse to be my First Lady,
text “Buse” to 1890...

...and if you choose Mualla...

...text “Buse” to 1890!

You choose, I marry!

Mr. President, with your permission,
I have a brief greeting message.

-Thank you, Mr. President.
-Do what you want.

Greetings to...

...my alcoholic father who left me and
my mother alone when I was a little girl...

...and to my mother, who got on the streets...

...day and night...

...to pay for my and my sisters’ school...

...to the malicious milkman Ferhat...

...Vahit, the shopkeeper...

...and finally...

...Şükrü, the repairman who didn’t leave...

...our doorstep for a second...

...and tried to take advantage of us.

Greetings to all of them.

Voting is now over.

The results are arriving from the notary.

My God, I’m so excited!

Our First Lady is...

...Mualla!

The people have chosen their First Lady!
You’ve got to respect them!

Mr. President, the people have chosen Mualla.

What would you like to say?

God damn!

God damn you!

I shouldn’t have let you vote!

Don’t you have eyes?

Why vote for this one, when you have this one!

Where do I sign...

-Here, Mr. President.
-You’re so eager!

“Here, Mr. President.” There!

And I sign here, I guess.

And I pronounce you husband and wife.

-Thank you very much.
-Thak you.

Come on, my husband,
let’s go to our house of love.

Shall we?

Shame on you!

Shame on you!

Would you like it if the same happened to your
father, your brother?

Democracy is wasted on you!

Anyway, let’s have Miss Buse over here.

We won’t let her leave empty-handed!

As a consolation prize, we announce her
as the President’s secretary!

And there’s more! She also gets a year’s
worth of shampoo!

Fear not, beautiful boy.

I won’t force you into anything.

Are you crying?

I lost my nerve.

I never imagined this.

What were you imagining?

Maybe you’ll like this!

I’ve got this too!

How about this? I want you.
Only you.

What about this?

I’d be better off with my midwife!

I did nothing to deserve this! I’m leaving!

My husband!

Where are you going?

Won’t we consummate our marriage?

Won’t flesh touch flesh?

Won’t you pound the seal on the meat?

No şakşuka?

Wait a moment for god’s sake!

Shut up for a second.

I’ve never withdrawn into myself like
this since my circumcision!

You are sexual abuse itself! What the hell is this!

I’m leaving!

You can’t do it, and you blame me!

If it’s too small, tell me!

Mualla, I need my jacket!

Why did you lock the door, maniac!

I’m naked, that’s why!

Come in, I’ll unlock it.

No, don’t! Damn you, don’t!

No, damn you! Your mom!

He calls us in for work at night.
We’ve been working around the clock!

-And there’s no overtime pay!
-This is a violation of workers’ rights.

He even said “Buy some roasted chickpeas on the way”!

The most expensive ones. I paid again!

-I think we should talk to him.
-I won’t talk to him again.

Last time we talked, I was left standing alone!

You took on the wrong attitude.

If I hadn’t intervened, things could’ve
gone much worse, Bahtiyar!

It’s your choice, man.

Don’t talk, and you’ll come to work at night.

You’ll have no private life left.

I have my TV shows. I can’t come in every night!

So you have to make up your mind, Bahtiyar.

Mr. President, why have we assembled so late at night?

We’re missing out on our private lives!

The country is dying, and all you
care about is your private life!

There is one thing we have in our lives
right now: Our country!

You traitor!

What’s your problem?

What is your problem!

Mr. President hasn’t even eaten his chickpeas yet,
and you get into private life!

You giraffe!

May I go mute if I open my mouth again!

By the way, Mr. President...

Don’t you have a match to play
so late at night?

We thought you’d be attacking the
opposition team left and right by this hour!

Getting into position with long through passes...

...forcing the opposition
team with short passes...

...and cheering up the fans with long passes,
bringing them down into the field!

Who do you think you are!

You maniacs! You keep
imagining me in all sorts of manners!

The match is cancelled!

The President was caught offside!

The President has quit football!

We don’t even have a constitution,
and you came up with the First Lady thing!

I don’t understand.

We don’t even have a national anthem!

Get me someone to compose
the national anthem!

Everyone will be singing
that anthem by heart tomorrow!

There is only one man who can compose
that anthem in this land.

My country, surrounded by water on all sides

Hot and arid summers, warm tides

Oh, beautiful land of Cologne!

Oh Cologne, get all cologned up!

-Bravo!
-Bravo, Arif!

What do you think, sir?

It’s great.

We can play this in welcoming ceremonies.
And perhaps I’ll dance with the guest presidents!

Mr. President is right.

Arif, please, this is very important!

You can do better.

Something more modern, more striking...

You didn’t know me
You didn’t love Cologne

Bring out all your natural resources for me!

Oy oy hele yo!

With echo. Great.

Arif, that was a bit like a wedding song!

Would you like us to get the
children out of the dance floor?

We need something bolder, more ambitious.

Is she troubling you?

Get rid of her and you’ll forget her

Just go out looking and
You’ll find much better than her

Stop it, stop! Wait a moment, man.

What are you doing?

What are those moves!

What are you doing, Bahtiyar?

We’re doing serious work here!
Mr. Arif, please! Let’s get serious.

That’s the way! There’s my president!

Way to go, Mr. President!

If you take me away from me

I won’t leave you alone with you

Even if you’re right by me
I won’t take a single step

You don’t appreciate me
And my love for you

-And you never will
-Too...

What a song! It’s torn my heart out!

Mr. President, how about a song like this?

Of course!

Two, three, four...

If you take me away from me
I won’t leave you alone with you

Even if you’re right by me
I won’t take a single step

You don’t appreciate me

-And my love for you
-What’s going on!

-And you never will
-Kalk kalk.

Hey, get up!

My heart has put up with you for so long

What good is your love without me?

-You’ve broken it so many times
-What did we drink last night, man?

You smashed it up

How can my wounded heart forgive you?

Mr. President!

Free CD of our national anthem...

Giving away a national anthem CD
with the tabloid supplement?

What should I do to you?

What should I do to you?

What should he do to you?

-You couldn’t wait a second, could you!
-Get in! People will see us!

America is starting an embargo, İsmet.

They know they can’t handle us any other way.

Who cares about an embargo, anyway?

What do you mean, İsmet?

No American goods will come in.

Let’s say you have diarrhea
and you need coke with Aspirin.

-You’ve got the Aspirin, what about the coke?
-Right.

We won’t be able to listen to Justin!

What would Justin think!

I don’t believe that!

We won’t know that either,
since Twitter and everything will be shut off!

Right.

Without American-made
limescale remover...

...there’s nothing I can do to help you.

We’ve lost your washing machine!

We’ve lost the washing machine
because of the embargo!

-Don’t worry.
-It’s alright.

Oh, my dear washing machine!

-It’s all because of Peker Mengen!
-Shame on you Peker Mengen!

Write down, Miss Buse.

Our constitution.

Article one:

This is Cologne, no way out!

Article two: Let’s look forward to
tomorrow with hope.

Article three: No tolerance for silly behavior!

Article four: The economy matters.

Miss Buse...

...did you note anything about...

...the first letters of each article?

Yes, Mr. President.

They’re all capitals!

If you were both smart and beautiful,
you’d be playing for Barcelona!

By the way, I can’t help but say it.

You’re as beautiful as you are...

...beautiful.

If you’re a woman, what is Mualla?

You’re right.

I’m ugly. But she’s an angel.

You’re so funny!
That was great.

She’s a demonic kind of angel.

But don’t be unfair to yourself.

What part of you is ugly?

My pitcher-like mouth...

My clothespin-like ears...

My bowl-like hips...

And my kettle-like crooked body...

What happened to you at the utility store, Buse?

Mr. President.

May I?

-Will you not, if I say not?
-No.

So come in.

Mr. President, I have three good and one bad news.

The good first.

Your ear, nose and throat tests are all clean!

My gene pool is very clean, Miss Buse!

-What’s the bad news?
-America is imposing an embargo on us!

What!

An embargo when I’m with the girl!

This is entirely unacceptable!

Absolutely unacceptable!
Get me live on TV right away.

I’ll address America.

ADDRESS TO AMERICA

Dear America, you’re really doing wrong.

Your refusal to send us your goods has slightly
damaged our deeply rooted friendship.

Okay, we may have sunk your ship.

But a piece from your ship popped up
our own Faruk’s banana boat.

But we didn’t impose an embargo on you!

You popped up the young boy’s banana!

And I had just found the love of my life...

He found love!

Speak, Faruk!

You...

...Buse, the most beautiful girl of our town.

I love you like crazy!

Shut up, Faruk!

We’re digressing!

Will you marry me, Buse?

I’ll smash your face!

You’re going too far!

Yes! Yes! Yes!

Cut!

I’ve got that feeling there, Faruk!

Perhaps Mr. President can perform our marriage.

Right, Mr. President?

Right, turn the knife, Buse. Turn it!

Why are you crying?

Love is a dead end street that you go down anyway.

It’s a stone!

You won’t let me have an
emotional moment, right!

Mr. President! I’ve got one bad
and one bad news.

I’ve already hit the bottom.

How much worse could things get, Hilmi?

The people are revolting because of
the American embargo.

They want you dead!

Come on, let’s go.

This is way out of line!

Is that a rake?

Yes, sir.

When my child wakes up, he’ll say “Where’s my
corn flakes?” and cry!

What will I tell him, Mr. President?

What, corn flakes?

The kid in your arms looks like
bread with tomato paste!

You’re exaggerating!

Boo!

Social media is shut down for good!
We can’t hit on anyone with DMs!

You can’t do that in any case, auntie!

Justin! We can no longer listen to Justin!

Who’s Justin?

I was still paying for that washing machine!

Boo!

What’s going on down there?

The people are revolting. They want the president dead.

They want Peker dead?

You’re doing wrong, Republic of Cologne.

Didn’t this man bring the Prime Minister
here upon your demand?

Yes.

Didn’t this man make our
little town a country?

-Yes!
-Yes, bravo!

Didn’t this man sink an American battleship
and get you into war?

Yes.

Didn’t this man...

...give up power in his own home...

...even in his own bed...

...to ensure power in his country?

Yes.

Yes! Tell them, madam!

Didn’t this man...

...break us away from our beloved country...

...and deprive us from the American
goods we so love?

Boo!

Don’t hit me!

-Hey, don’t hit me!
-Madam!

You’re an old man, you should be ashamed!

-I’ll smash your face!
-Who am I talking to!

I’m coming down there!

What’s that! It hit my mouth!

Why are you throwing those!

Wow!

Mr. President, we’re dead! What shall we do?

No panic.

Don’t worry.

I know very well what to do.

Let me go! I’ve had enough!

Mr. President, listen!

I’m running away this time.
I’m determined.

To hell with you, destiny!

The wind it turning!

Man, you’ve won already.

You put this tile over here.

I put the joker here, now you can sit on it!

Get me a toast, chief!

Mr. President, good news!

China solved the embargo problem!

Of course, I know.

How exactly did they solve it?

The parachute came down.

Welcome, welcome!

Mr. President, the Chinese gentleman
who brought the goods.

Mr. Chinese. Mr. President.

Thanks for the goods, Mr. Chinese.

They even sent us a disassembled plane for defense!

What are you saying! They sent a plane!

Send that to Macit the carpenter to assemble!

Macit, that’s a great idea!

What is this?

It’s stuck! When did you hold my hand?
Who is this?

They sent a fake Justin Bieber for the girls!

Great idea. Lovely.

So. Mr. Chinese, let’s address the people.

You come too, ugly.

Oh, he calls me ugly now! Like he’s...

"Your mom!"

Mualla, what shall we have for dinner?

-Mualla!
-We’ll eat your mom!

What are you doing in there, Mualla?

Why did you lock the door?

What have you got to hide, for God’s sake?

I was waxing, that’s why.

I got lost in doing make-up later, so what?

What make-up could ever fix your
face, I wonder...

I’m hungry! What did you cook for dinner?

Here’s what I cooked!

It’s hot, you’ll like it. Eat it before it’s cold!

There you go! It tastes great!

You act like you’re some rude friend of mine!

But please, eat it before it’s cold!

-Please, have it!
-You’re such a dirty woman!

-And what are you preparing for, by the way?
-There’s a wedding tonight.

You can’t leave me alone for a second!

What wedding?

Dear guests, welcome to the
wedding ceremony of...

...Buse and Faruk!

Buse, are you sure, dear?

The man turned the wedding table into a tavern table!

If you’re marrying him just because he’s muscular,
we’ll all die and rot one day, you know!

He’s the only one who loves me!

Who would ever like me anyway?

If someone liked me, I’d go to him right away.

Dear friends, it’s time for the nikah...

You....

...Buse, daughter of Tahsin...

...do you accept to marry...

...without the influence of anyone...

...this filthy drunken jerk...

-...on your own will?
-Yes.

You, Faruk, son of Şeref...

...on your own will, without
the influence of anyone, do you...

-What?
-This man is confused.

-The wedding is cancelled! It’s over!
-Come on.

It’s not a good time for a joke.
Please ask the question properly.

Just a little joke...

Damn. Okay.

Faruk, so do you accept her as your wife?

-Yes.
-Do you bear witness?

-Yes.
-Yes.

So, based on the authority bestowed upon me by me...

...I pronounce you husband and wife.

You know what?

Buse is a beautiful girl.

And Faruk is a tall and handsome boy.

You’d better give them a week’s leave, Peker.

Because, you know, they’ll be busy
all night every day!

Shut up! I beg you, shut up!

For God’s sake!

Mr. President!

I’d like to introduce you to my wife.

-Mr. President. My love.
-Hi, Mr. President.

-Hello.
-Hello, dear.

Are you married?

I thought you were up to
something with Bahtiyar.

Mr. President.

Here’s my fiancee.

Hello.

Hello dear.

Am I the only fool in this country?

Lots of cute girls going to waste!

Please, go away!

I beg you, go away!

-The groom’s dance! My favorite.
-Come on, dear.

Look at that! You’d think the groom’s dance
is open to interpretation!

If it were a more complicated dance,
this dirty alcoholic would die right away!

Peker, come on, let’s dance.
Everyone is dancing. We’re left out.

Right!

Get up, woman.

Let’s dance.

We’ve had our share of the Breakdance
fashion of the 80s, after all.

Let’s shake the dance floor!

Hilmi!

The dance floor was burning!

It went up in flames, I swear!

You’re not bad at all, Mualla.

Thank you, Peker.

I used to do folk dances when I was a little girl.

Peker, listen.

This beautiful wedding we had tonight...

...all the dancing and fun...

...it was all thanks to our allies
China and Russia.

I think we should invite their presidents to
our country with their wives.

Just to return the favor.

-That’s the proper thing to do.
-That’s a great idea.

-It will deliver a message to America too.
-Right.

You’re a smart woman!

You know...

...I was thinking about...

-...becoming “us” tonight.
-Really?

Seeing you on stage...

...dancing like that, I thought, “Why not?”

And as I look at you right now...

...everything looks right.

Shit!

Why don’t you just shit on my face!

What on earth have you eaten?

Did you eat the fake Justin? Or a crocodile?

What was that? My world turned black!

God damn you!

Don’t exaggerate. I’m human,
I had some gas.

I was having a moment once
in a blue moon!

That was an outright terror attack!

What just happened was the
September 11 of Cologne!

You struck me in the face with the sujuk!

God damn you!

God damn you!

We’re stuck with that anthem!

Mr. Conductor! When they arrive!

Okay.

Bahtiyar, the red carpet hasn’t been cleaned!

They’re coming now!

-I’ll clean it, First Lady.
-You’re still answering me!

Go and clean the windows!

-I didn’t have the time!
-Make the time, Bahtiyar! I don’t care!

The saucepan is getting cold!
Take it inside.

-You’re really rushing me!
-I can!

It’s my husband’s country after all!

Salih, where’s the cologne?

And you, don’t walk around sexily like that.

They’re almost here! I’m getting nervous.

Mualla!

You’re ugly, you’re shitty...

...and I can still smell that sujuk, but...

...this idea of calling the presidents
was a great one.

You’re a smart woman. Well done.

Thank you, Peker.

And you, you’re a fool, you’re an idiot...

But?

There’s no but. You’re a fool and an idiot.

Look, I cooked mumbar.

Let’s take them home right away.
They must be hungry.

Why would the presidents eat mumbar?

I’ll take them around the country.

You host the First Ladies.

-Mr. President!
-No!

-Sir, I have news. They’re coming!
-They’re coming!

The marching band! Start!

They’re coming!

They’re here!

Welcome, welcome.

I love the way you say “Thank you”!

Ladies, you follow Mualla
and make yourselves at home.

While we tour the country.

You give me honor! I don’t have the words
to describe how excited I am!

Come on, let’s go home.

-Come with me.
-She makes great kısır.

-Who are you? Who is this?
-This way, please.

You eat kısır, and we’ll tour the country.

We’ll walk around the country.
Don’t worry.

I’ll put some aside for you.

Here, please.

This is the marketplace...

...of Cologne.

Here’s the coffeehouse.
Have a nice day.

And then, here’s the draper.

Something, well.

This is our hardware store. It’s got all sorts of things.

Hammers and so on.

Over there is the grocer’s.

And then...

Yes.

-Hilmi, the country is over!
-You’re right, Mr. President. This country is over!

Our people are ignorant!

I don’t mean that! We walked over the
whole country, it’s over!

-The presidents will be bored. What do we do?
-Don’t worry, I’ve got it!

I’ve organized an excellent event that will
reflect our culture.

Really?

God damn you!

What kind of a fool are you!

Look at the event you’ve organized
for world leaders!

Where did you find this white Şahin?

Sir, the white Şahin is a must-have for this!

For what?

Six men, three of them presidents...

...leaning on a white Şahin, listening to
songs on YouTube at the Lovers’ Hill!

If you didn’t like this one, I can play
a sadder song, sir.

Enough! Don’t play anything.

The great Chinese President is crying
like a shopkeeper cheated on by his wife!

Get up, man!

Let’s go somewhere proper.

Give me my phone!

See!

It’s been receiving the internet
from the other country!

I’ll get a huge bill!

My God!

Don’t throw it away, sir, that’s a
returnable bottle.

To hell with your returns!

Come on.

Don’t cry, sir. Come on.

We’ll go to a more entertaining place.

What a presidential car!

Sit on my lap, Mr. President.

Come over here.

Did he get in?

Mr. Petrov, sit on my lap if
you’re not comfortable.

Salih, make Russia comfortable!
Don’t get into a coalition back there!

This Chinese guy has a bony ass. My leg is aching!

Oh!

What are you doing!

That’s part of the event, sir!

So tell me. It’s gossip time!

Us ladies have come together here!

Aren’t we supposed to have some gossip?

I heard your man went to the G8 Summit or something.

What’s that? Tell me about it.

Get the other one too!

Yes, my husband takes the G8 Summit very seriously.

I fell in love with him for his
hard work and his devotion.

You’re making me laugh!
You’re such a naive girl, Russian!

Why would you let the man
go to the summit on his own?

Is he a goat or something?

You silly!

Look, Petrov.

Me, you and Jackie Chan, the three of
us are such badass friends.

Who the hell is America!

Boys!

The table is getting empty.
Get some caviar for brother Petrov.

Salih, find some caviar for Petrov.

What?

I hope the hardware store is open!

Now Petrov, I think the three of us...

...should start a new group.
Like the European Union, but much nicer.

And what should we call it?

The Pink Daisies!

Shut up, Bahtiyar!

Hilmi, translate for me.

I can’t. It’s future tense.

-We didn’t study the future tense at school!
-How hard can it be?

What did you say to me?

I’ll show you!

-Hilmi, he’s scaring me, do something!
-Mr. President!

Alev! Alev, come here.

Hello, let me introduce myself. I’m Alev.

Here’s a hot girl from Cologne!

He liked her, Hilmi. Great.

-Come on, to the dance floor!
-Come on!

I’m seeing horns here.

The whole cup is full of horns.

It looks like antlers!

Let me look at the details.

I see the number three.

So before three hours...

...you’re getting cheated on!

Yours is more interesting.

Yours is minus three hours.

So the man is actually scoring right now!

You’re so nice, girl. Nice and plump.

Your wife isn’t here anyway!

Very good Mr. President. Very good.

That’s how they do it, and you don’t even know.

It’s a tradition here in Cologne.

The men went to have fun with Russian girls!

Petrov!

Just you wait!

You b***ard. I will make you pay for this!

Nice.

Mr. President!

Mr. President!

-Wait, man, we’re dancing!
-Stop for God’s sake, sir!

Wait a moment! Stop the music!

-Sir!
-What’s going on?

-The First Ladies are here!
-The First Ladies?

What are you doing here with girls!
I’ll catch you!

Were you eating up this one?

-Madam!
-Wait!

-I didn’t expect this of you, Chinese!
-Let him go, madam!

Where is the President?

Why have you come here?

Don’t touch me! Get your dirty hands off me!

What an horrible man you’ve turned out to be!

I’ve given you everything!

My youth, my beauty... Shame on you!

What have you given me! When!

Shut up! Salih, spit on the
President’s face!

-What’s going on!
-The First Lady asked me to, sir!

That was nice technique!

Go back to where you came from!

Don’t leave! Let’s not part so early,
for God’s sake!

These things happen in families.
Hilmi, translate!

I can’t, it’s future tense!
I can’t translate it.

To hell with your future and your past!

He says “Russia and China are now on our side”, sir.

“I’ll show you Peker”, he says.

We’re finished, I swear!

What will they do to us?

I’m trying to imagine, and I’m
so afraid. What will they do?

What did he say?

He says he’ll do something to me.
What is that?

He says he’ll make you worse than Gaddafi!

Which one was Gaddafi?
Was he the one they put in prison?

Let me explain, sir.

With visuals.

Here.

Here.

And here, finally.

-Go one back.
-There.

Like there’s no tomorrow!

Oh no!

God damn you!

Mr. President, you can’t run away.

I wasn’t running. I was testing you!

If I met the guy face to face, I can persuade
him, but I can’t.

Sir, I have an idea!

I know a great technology that we can
use to get you through the the American president.

So shall we speak to the President of America
at an internet cafe?

This is not like writing DMs to girls!

You have no idea what our man Behçet can do.

He has stripped Kate Upton live on cam by
trying every possible address!

There, it’s ringing!

-It’s his picture!
-It’s him!

That’s really him! Well done, Behçet!

Now go away! Get off!

I’m sorry, this is a state secret.

Don’t just hang up!

How is your wife?
I hope your children are doing good.

Come on, write what I say to him
in the form of subtitles!

He said “Face”!

-Does he mean “face to face”?
-No. He’s still angry at you.

He says he’ll smash your insect face with his bomb.

Bomb? President, friend...

...I’d like to ask you...

...what war, what bomb, what ship matters
more than this innocent boy?

Look at him, so innocent...

Don’t laugh.

What about this innocent cat?

How can you love humans
if you don’t love animals?

She has eight siblings.

No mother, no father.

They need milk!

We’re alone.

That’s for you.

What about this?

You see?

We’re the Illuminati!

Me too!

Same community!

We’re in this together!

Classified.

Listen. Yes, I’m listening.

NO CREDIT LEFT

Hilmi!

Hilmi!

Come here! This thing shut down.

What happened?

Oh, the time is up!

I got two liras worth of credit.
I thought we’d get through right away.

Was I talking to the President of America
with two liras of credit?

Let him bomb us! They should really bomb us!

Alright, I’ll fix it.

Behçet! Two liras more for table 23!

Why two liras, man!
Five liras, Behçet!

Four.

He hung up! See, he hung up!

He wrote something. What’s that?

“You be a smartass in public, you get
no forgiveness when we catch you alone”, he says.

-The President of America?
-Right.

This guy is a real loudmouth!

-Do you have credit on that table?
-Yes.

Go and hang out there.

I’ll wait for him, maybe he’ll come back.

And I’ve got some work that I should tend to.

Don’t throw smoke grenades, b***ard!

They set up a bomb!

Don’t shoot the president, boy!

You terrorist! There, it’s a headshot again.

Alright, I’m out. Are you happy?

What are you doing over there?

Sir, I’m hanging out with a foreign
woman. She loves my talk.

Really? Are there sites like that?

Of course, sir. I mean, I heard there are.

You pay 20 liras and subscribe for
three months or something...

She’s Ukranian, I’m sure.

What’s her name?

Siquerkublakis32

She must be Czech.

“I’d like to get to know your world.”

Tell her to turn on the cam.
What if she’s a man?

Can you turn on the cam?

Turn it on.

She’s turning it on!

Hello, human.

It’s a man!

The whole world is watching Cologne!

Having lost the support of Russia and China, Peker
Mengen found the support he needed outside the world

The aliens are about to arrive in Cologne.

Our reporter Ümit is waiting
at the square where the aliens are awaited.

Ümit, what’s going on at the square?

Macide, the people can’t wait to meet the spaceman.

They’re waiting for him eagerly.
I’m with Peker Mengen here.

I’d like to turn to him now.

Sir, the aliens have contacted our country
for the first time in history...

...and they’re coming to Cologne today.

There are rumors that America
is backing off from its offensive plans.

Can we have your comments?

We have no problems with America.

It’s them who set out to attack us.

Of course, Cologne has its friends, and...

...they’re coming from galaxies beyond...

...to show that they are with us on this day.

So you spoke to the spaceman?

Of course. I’ve just spoken to him.

He’s past the planets, and he’s near the moon.

He must be about to arrive.

And we’ll fire off some confetti to welcome him.

So we’re waiting for him.

Did he have a message for the world?

Well...

...he doesn’t really like to boast...

...but he says he’s got a weapon on his spaceship.

He says he can destroy an entire
continent at once with it.

He said “Mr. President, tell them
not to make me have to use it.”

Well, after all, why should
Mr. Spaceman do that, Peker?

America are humans, after all.

It’s my country! I can say whatever I want.

And I’m the First Lady! If I can’t speak
my mind, I’m leaving!

-Leave right now!
-No way!

I’ll tell the spaceman everything and put you to
shame all over the universe!

You have already! Look at your attitude!

You mind your own attitude!
Talking nonsense to the cameras! Shame on you!

Blow up a continent? Who believes that!

Yes, there it is!

The first meeting between the
civilizations is about to take place!

Film it! This is a historical moment!

Look at him, so cute!

Welcome, Mr. Alien.

Hilmi, fire!

Have a cigarette, brother.
Light one up and calm down.

Don’t you worry about that at all!

At least you’re not hurt!

The spacecraft can be fixed, don’t worry.

It’s going to be alright.

Whose idea was it to call Payidar again?

He’s a maniac who keeps firing
cannons at people!

Don’t call him!

The weapon on the spacecraft is destroyed!

Just when America was getting afraid!

To hell with America and weapons!
How will I get back home now?

You messed up the spacecraft!

What am I supposed to do now?

It just needs some welding.

Mr. Suat at the industrial zone will fix it in no time.

To hell with your welding!
What industrial zone!

-Mind your words when you talk to me!
-What if I don’t?

-Look at him!
-Alright!

Come here! Come here!

-I’ll smash your face!
-Calm down!

Hey, what are you doing!

You’ve come from a time beyond our age,
and you’re beating around with a broom?

Come on, give me that.

-Give me that!
-No, Mr. President!

This is Earth!
You’ve got to act like a man here!

-So you’ll make me a man?
-I’ll make you a man!

-Come here and try!
-You come here!

Come here if you dare, b***ard!

Mind your words!
I’ll kick you in the face...

Stop, please stop!

Take him away!

Enroll him in a Quran course.
Make him into a man!

One would think you came from Hacıhüsrev, not space!

-Come here!
-Get out of here!

-Calm down!
-Okay, that’s enough!

-Please!
-Don’t act like that in public!

The spaceman who landed in our country
as the whole world watched...

...performed his Friday prayer at the Central Mosque,
the only mosque in Cologne.

It was observed that the spaceman
seemed rather emotional.

Let’s see our reporter Ümit’s special interview.

We’re in front of the Central Mosque.

We are with imam Abdullah and the spaceman.

Mr. Spaceman, you’re crying.
What would you like to say?

I’ve seen the entire universe.

And I’ve found the peace
I’ve been looking for here.

Believe me.

I’m sorry.

He has chosen our religion, despite
the insistence of the Pope.

So we gave him the name Yasin, which he deserves.

Yasin is our brother from now on, God willing.

God willing, sir.

Now, brothers, one day, Temel
falls into a pit.

It’s a deadly pit.

He shouts up.

“Come here, people! Nobody around?”

An angel appears from the sky and says “Temel...”

”...I’ll save you from this
pit, but I have three conditions.”

“You have to stop gambling, drinking and going after
women.”

Temel pauses for a moment and shouts again.

“Isn’t there anyone else?”

So, my brothers...

...please pitch in whatever you can
for the air conditioning of our mosque...

...so that our God will not test anyone
with deadly pits.

Pass it on.

Mr. Spaceman, we have a request.

What is it, boys?

In fact ours is a trivial one, but...

Tomorrow...

...America is declaring war on us, so perhaps...

...could you speak to your relatives and
help us in some way?

Believe me, I have nothing other than my sweater
and the belief in my heart.

That’s all you need, sir.

I see.

I’ll have some kiwi juice.

Oh man.

I thought he could help me with
a weapon or a technology, but...

...he’s telling jokes and drinking
kiwi juice!

Let’s get started.

With the aliens providing no support,
America is back on the offensive.

They have officially declared that
there are no changes in their plans...

...and that preparations are complete
for the lethal strike.

The greatest armed force in history is
coming to Cologne tomorrow morning.

Mualla, get up.

Get up!

Get up, let’s... I missed you.

What is it, Peker?

-Get up, we have to talk.
-What’s the time? You must be crazy.

I want to sleep.

I missed you. Get up, let’s talk.

Get up!

-Get up.
-Alright.

Here, I’m up. Tell me, what is it?

Mualla...

...we’re here today, and definitely gone tomorrow.

I thought we’d build some parks...

...and live happily.

But now it’s come down to...

...a war with America tomorrow.

-Have you set the alarm clock?
-Yes, I set it to 7:30 AM.

Good.

So what I want to say is...

-I...
-Peker, have you bought yogurt? I wrote you a note.

-I bought it.
-You bought condensed yogurt, didn’t you?

Shut up for a moment!

Please!

Is this the moment to ask such things?

But you want yogurt soup in the morning!

Alright! Who knows if we’ll be here tomorrow!

Listen to me. I said I missed you.

Alright!

I...

...couldn’t be a good husband,
or a good president.

I thought...

...I should be...

...a good husband to you before I die.

Take me.

No, don’t.

-Take me.
-Never mind, no.

-Take me.
-Peker!

Peker!

I’ll go to sleep. You take me.

REPUBLIC OF COLOGNE
PRESIDENTIAL MANSION

Soldiers, get in line!

March forward!

Fire!

Soldiers!

Mr. President!

I’ve got about 1500 bad and one good news.

What’s the good news, Hilmi?

Our people still have a little glimmer of hope.

-Who are we?
-Cologne!

-Who are we?
-Cologne!

Don’t cry, Hilmi.

Don’t forget that hope is like a butterfly.

It lives for a day...

...and was a caterpillar before.

Sorry?

There’s only one thing that can save us, Hilmi.

What is it, sir?

Science, Hilmi!

So you’re playing your last card, sir!

You started a weapons program!

Of course. We will produce our own
weapons, our own missiles.

Hasan, good day.

Welcome Mr. President.

He looks like he’s just invented something!

He’s just invented something!

Have you invented something, Hasan?
Have we invented our own weapon?

No, Mr. President.

But please, take a look at this.

What is this?

Our experiment in growing peas in cotton
has resulted in success, sir! Look.

Peas in cotton?

Yes, sir.

Hasan.

Have you just been growing peas in
cotton here for a month?

Of course not, sir!

No matter how much water you put in,
olive oil always floats to the top.

Come on!

Mr. President!

While the side untouched by vinegar is hard...

...this side is so soft!

Let me see.

Well done.

Well done, boys.

Thank you Mr. President.
That’s very kind of you.

To hell with you and your kind!

Have you been sniffing glue or something?

Where are the weapons?

Where are the bombs?

Where?

-I’ll smash your face!
-Sir!

-Let me go!
-Sir, calm down!

Calm down, Mr. President!

Don’t forget!

We have a fighter plane!

Right!

We...

...have a fighter plane!

Be glad we have a fighter plane.

For the last three weeks...

...I’ve been scared shitless.

I may have gotten a bit aggressive.

I’m sorry.

I forgot about the plane. The plane!

I’ll smash your face!

-I’ll make you eat those eggs!
-Okay, okay!

I’ll smash--
That olive oil...

Alright!

-I’ll make you drink it!
-Calm down, sir!

You’re hurting yourself, sir! Come on.

Macit!

Haven’t we given you an F-16 to assemble?

Yes, sir.

How did you manage to make the F-16
into a lounge suite? Are you out of your mind?

It’s not very usable either, sir.

It doesn’t convert into a bed.

So where shall we put the bedclothes, Macit?

Is that the only problem, Hilmi?

I wish that was the only problem, Macit.
This is supposed to be a plane, you fool!

It was the only plane of this country!

Alright, alright sir!

Mr. President...

...it’s somewhat of a habit for me.

I started out with the parts,
and this is what came out.

But look, I made this two-piece
nesting table, too!

To hell with your two-piece nesting table, Macit!

This two-piece table comprises the entire
air force of this country, Macit!

Are we supposed to strike America with
this two-piece nesting table, Macit?

Let them strike us! I’m tired of this!

Remember, the butterflies, caterpillars...

What the hell are you talking about?

Hilmi, grab that table and put
it next to the armchair in my bedroom.

He put the wing over there, idiot!

Sir, preparations are well underway.

The people are mobilizing, full with
the spirit of solidarity.

Our people are eagerly preparing for war.

Good. At last some good news.

I’ve had so many disappointments these days.

What’s going on here? What is this crowd?

Let me see.

Move over!

Today is the day to die for our island...

...for our flag, for our people, my brothers!

This is Cologne's war!

This is our country's war!

May god give us all strength!

Amen.

The guy has just turned Muslim, and
he’s preaching already?

He’s become a muezzin at the
Central Mosque, sir.

-He memorized the Quran in a single reading.
-Really?

The people respect him.

This atmosphere has taken over
the whole country now.

Here, these are our volunteer forces.

America is at our door, but he’s
still after the nesting table!

Nesting table!

To hell with your nesting table!

Here’s your table!

Here! Are you happy?

Should I be thinking of
your table, or my country?

It straightened out all my hair too!

I’m too good for this place!

I really am!

Mirror, mirror on the wall!

Tell me, is there anyone
more handsome than me?

In fact you’re right.
Mualla is more handsome than me. What?

What’s going on?

He’s talking about my mom!

You know what, I--

So, Mrs. Mualla!

This is what you were up to, then!

Are these our elite forces?

You haven’t seen the special operations teams yet!

Let’s see them.

Come on, team!

At ease!

Attention!

Stay with me!

Look right!

Look left!

Turn forward!

Feet!

Get up!

Bend your neck!

Three steps to the left!

Bend down!

Get up breathing!

Turn right!

Open your legs!

Shake your butt!

Shake it, shake it!

Up front!

Hands up!

Done!

What do you think, sir?

Congratulations.

Perhaps we’ll evade the missiles
with these dance moves!

Are you training soldiers, or making a Jennifer Lopez
video?

Bahtiyar, if you’re our only
commander, we’re dead!

You haven’t seen Commander Cemal yet, sir!

Who is Commander Cemal?

Welcome, Mr. President.

We have completed our preparations.

See, Mr. Cemal has prepared a
map of our country.

We’re planning to deploy the advance
guard units at the port, sir.

Good. Very well.

Put Faruk among the advance guard!

Actually, put him even further up front!

And sir, this is a comparison of the
military power of both sides.

Look at that.

Theirs is like the new year lottery...

...and ours is like weekly betting results!

And then there’s the threat of a nuclear bomb.
If we’re hit by it, none of this matters.

Nuclear? What happens if we’re hit by it?

Is there no way to protect from it?

They say garlic protects against it, sir.

-But...
-You don’t exist, Bahtiyar.

Yes, Commander. I’m listening.

Sir, we’re planning to conduct
our defense over here.

What do you think?

What defense are you talking about?

They strike us with a missile right
here and it’s all gone!

And another one here!

It doesn’t matter, Mr. President.

They won’t take our land without a fight.

We will fight to the last drop of our blood!

Where have you been all this time?

Who is this?

-Are you a soldier?
-No.

I sell VCDs.

But I know how to fight.

I’ve seen Saving Private Ryan many times!

I’m going to save you!

Will Private Ryan save us?

-Go away!
-Yes, sir!

Sir, maybe we should have you sit
on top of that hill.

Does it please you when I sit
on top of something?

Mr. President! You must follow me right now.

My dear, please.

Why are you drinking so much?

Buse, what did you put on the man’s head?

He keeps drinking and attacking people,
so I had to put that on.

Where did he find this?

The ship that sank, you know?
He found it near its wreck.

The house is full of these.

For God’s sake, I must tell
Peker about this right away!

What’s going on here?

What is the president after?

There!

What happened to him?

-Why are you holding the girl, sir?
-Let me go!

-My love!
-When you grabbed her, I got in the mood!

Now, Mrs. Mualla. It’s time
you told us everything.

Or perhaps, Agent Smith!

Yes, not Mualla!

The damn Agent Smith!

Do you have a tissue?

Tissue.

Yes. Take it. I only used it once.

Okay.

I don’t know.

Wow!

A traitor agent!

A traitor beauty!

You can do whatever you want to me, but
I’ll first show you something very important.

What will you show us, you traitor woman?

Hilmi, shut up. Watch how you speak to her!

She says she’ll tell us something.

Mrs. Mualla, you said you’d show us something.

Don’t sit back.

The armchair is broken.

I know. We did it.

They’ve infiltrated us!

I’ll now show you a file on the CIA’s
secret database.

I’m accessing it.

“CIA.”

“Files.”

"Classified."

“Top Secret.”

“Never open.”

“Open it and you’re dead.”

“Johnny Cash recitals mp3”. Not that.

“I told you not to open it.”

“Don’t look for trouble!”

I found the file!

“XXX”

-What’s going on?
-How...

How can they activate this?
This is so big...

This...

If the American battleship
hadn’t been blown up...

...they would’ve infected everyone
with rabies!

-Even you.
-Really?

So it’s that serious.

What does America actually want from us?

Boron, of course!

At 73 percent, we have the world’s
greatest boron fault line.

It’s not about boron, Mr. President.
It’s about oil.

What has oil got to do with it?

As everyone keeps fighting...

...they’ll drill the boron mines
and pump them up tunnels...

...and smuggle the boron to America.
That’s what it’s about.

-Do you really believe that?
-Why would I say it if I didn’t?

If you weren’t president, I’d say
something bad.

-What boron!
-Tell me, come on.

I’m not president, I’m a regular man.
Let me hear you say it.

-What was found in Kuwait the other day?
-What?

Qatar natural gas.

What have we got?

-What?
-Plutonium, Neptunium, Aluminum.

Put them all into a reaction,
and what comes out?

-What?
-Diesel! They’re after the diesel fuel.

And what are you after?
Stop this nonsense.

-You’re telling me?
-Come on, Hilmi!

No way!

Come on!

Damn, what’s your problem?

War is about to break up, and
all you think of is boron and so on!

What is boron anyway?

They don’t let us mine it!

73 percent!

In terms of reserves.

It’s a mineral.

The American people have the right to know
what their president is doing.

What if the whole world hears what he’s doing?

Right...

They’ll shake America up real good in
international courts.

Sir, I think we’re all dead this time.

I’m counting 1499 to 1500 ships!

1500 ships?

Why put on such a show?

Just throw a bomb and you can
level out the whole place!

How shall we get through to them, sir?

They’re everywhere, Hilmi.

They’re everywhere.

Listen to me, America.
I know you can hear me everywhere.

Which satellite should I talk to?

This one?

Or this?

Peker!

This one.

Dear America.

We have your bombs.

Faruk, come here.

Come here, yes.

Whoa!

Look what you made of a good
and strong boy! And millions...

-...billions of others like him.
-Peker, can I speak for a minute?

Come here!

-What did she say?
-Heavy stuff, sir!

You made a loudmouth out of this nice girl!

We know you’re trying to destroy us
to make sure the world doesn’t hear of this project.

We’re not stupid.

What you see in my hand...

...is the trigger of the bomb mechanism.

Get your ships out of here...

...or I’ll press the button!

We’re already dead.
We don’t have anything to lose.

I swear, I’ll press it!

I’m holding your destiny in my hand!

Sir...

...I gave you the wrong one.

That’s a piece of plastic pipe!

The remote is here!

You’re getting me to threaten America
with a piece of pipe, Bahtiyar?

Take that!

Here!

There’s been a small mishap,
but we still have the threat!

I’ll tweet photos of the bombs...

...and that b***ard Faruk...

...along with your secret XXX files!

I’ll put you to shame for the world to see!

There, I’m sending it.

Let me attach those photos.

I’m posting it.

How do we do this?

Press and hold down. Yes.

-It says “paste”.
-Paste, yes.

Press that. Send.

Send.

-There’s no internet connection!
-What, how?

Sir, we can’t access Instagram!
They’ve cut the connection.

It’s all in vain!

They’ve cut our communications
entirely. B***ard!

You cut off the internet!
A real man doesn’t cut off the internet...

...he comes in and fights in person!

Oh, run, run!

Run away!

Run!

Boys, activate the procedure for
protecting me!

Right now!

No, don’t. What’s that?

Hilmi, give me my weapon.

Weapon... Sir, we don’t have any weapons!

None at all?

How about a lighter?

A lighter?

Are you joking, Salih!

I’ve got the bomb.

Don’t the networks of other
countries cross anywhere?

Yes! There was signal
at the Lovers’ Hill, sir! Remember!

Right! But we need to get to the car.

How shall we get to the car?

Too late. They’re here.

Attack!

-Allah Allah Allah!
-What’s going on?

Run, run, run!

Run, run, run!

Run, run, run!

Salih! You get in!

Run, guys!

God has bestowed a life upon you. Run!

Allah Allah Allah!

Sir, watch out for the speed bumps!

The bomb will go off!

Salih, sit on the bombs and keep
them from hitting each other!

I can’t sit on them, sir!

What if the bomb explodes up my ass?

We’re losing the country, and you’re
still after your ass!

Peker, watch out for the bend!

The helicopter is chasing us, sir!

What shall we do?

You think of that.

How can the president think of everything?

Here, this lighter is my only weapon.

Am I supposed to blow up the helicopter with that?

There, I threw it. Are you happy?

Sir, you hit it!

You’re a true leader, sir!

Mrs. Mualla, as you can see...

...some use a lighter to...

...open beer cans...

...while others like me use it
to blow up helicopters!

We can kiss if you like.

Peker, it’s not you who hit it. It’s him!

What!

The old man hit the target this time!

The walking corpse killed the romantic
moment this time!

Sir, what’s happening?

Careful, sir!

-The tire, the tire!
-What’s going on!

No way!

-Oh no!
-No way!

-It’s a flat?
-It is.

-Let me see.
-The worst fortune always finds me!

We’ll have to cover the rest of the
way running!

Running?

-Hide!
-Oh my!

We’re outnumbered!

But you’ll protect us, right?

No, let’s run!
You know where we’ll run?

I do. I know a shortcut.
Follow me.

Run, run, run!

Oh, I’m dying!

This way!

The signal keeps coming and going!
Hold on, we’re almost there!

Run, run!

Come here, run!

Mr. President, bad news: there’s
been a landslide!

Good news: The Lovers’ Hill is
right over there!

I wish I had time to get to
know you more closely, Mualla.

My duty awaits me.

I will post this tweet.

I want one last thing from you.

Let me just kiss you once!

-What?
-In the mouth!

What’s going through your damn mind?

Or is it what I’m thinking of?

I’ll risk my life to post this tweet!

So, one for the road! One kiss!

Oh no! I’ll save your white ass!

I can’t let you do this, you know! I can’t!

Give it up.

It’s yours!

Hide, hide!

Run!

Hide! Salih, behind the tree!

Sir, we’re finished!

Give me your blessings!

The summit is not always at the very top!

To climb, you have to fall sometimes, Hilmi!

What’s that?

Pretty girl...

-...goodbye!
-Peker!

Peker, don’t!

Mr. President!

I posted it!

Oh no!

Whom shall we advise now?

The man jumped to his death!

But he was a good person.

Such a good person.

Don’t be sad!

Don’t be sad!

Don’t!

Don’t be sad! He didn’t die!

He didn’t die!

He can hear us, he’s here! He can hear us!

Help!

-Help me, man!
-Peker!

-Mr. President!
-Someone help me out here!

Mr. President!

Help me!

Come on, help me!

Mr. President!

Help me, man!

Mr. President!

He’s alive!

Mr. President!

You’re alive!

Yes, Salih. I’m sitting on a branch!
Are you happy?

Very much!

Friends, my tweet was retweeted three
million times!

I got an offer to be a DJ!

That would fit you so well!

Big headphones, a shiny lycra t-shirt,

Would you wear one?

I will!

And Mualla, I have a very serious question for you.

Would you go out with me?

It’s a bit early to talk about that,
but we can eat şakşuka at dinner!

We can do that!

Don’t do that! Don’t bend your lips like that!

He fell down! Mr. President fell down!

It’s alright!

I’m fine! I’m fine!

PEKER MENGEN WINS THE WAR

Cologne!

AMERICA APOLOGIZES

COLOGNE NAMED
HAPPIEST COUNTRY IN THE WORLD

Cologne!

So, we won against America and became
the most beautiful country in the world.

Well done, Muzaffer. Sit down.

So, children, that was today’s history class.

The block class will continue with
Religious Culture and Moral Knowledge.

No going out for a break.

Come in, sir.

Greetings, madam.
I hope I’m not interrupting?

Not at all, sir, I was just wrapping up.
I wish you a good class.

Yes, sit down, children.

Sit down.

Open your Religious Culture books.

Today’s subject is “Islam in the Universe”.

Let’s get started.