Klown Kamp Massacre (2010) - full transcript

[static]

How do I know if
it's recording?

MAN: Uh, the light is on.

Oh, yeah.

Happy graduation.

Oh, we are going to
remember this moment

for the rest of our lives.

[scream]

I don't know how
to get the time

and date off of this thing.

MAN: Oh, [inaudible].



Do something funny
for the camera.

[choking]

EDWIN: Is this the on button?

How do you get the
time and date off it?

Huh.

That's obnoxious.

Mom, this is--
this is Klown Kamp.

It's been an
interesting trip here.

As you can see, the bodies
that surround this room

and lay on the floor are
people I've murdered.

I'm sure you'll hear about it.

Other than this videotape,
it'll be on the news and stuff.

I hope you're not mad at me.

I-- I did it out
of spite, I guess.



I'm not sure exactly
why I did it.

And then we'll go
down this hall.

And, uh-- it's a nice hall.

I do a lot of
pacing in this hall.

I call it my friendly hall.

Here is the bathroom.

I-- I clean up in here.

I never wash my makeup
off totally though cause

I wanna be a clown forever.

Sometimes, I gaze in my face in
the mirror for hours and hours.

And here's my room.

And this is my bed.

And you can see I have made
it neatly, like you instructed

me on a daily basis to do.

It's the best way to
start out the day.

As you can see here, this
is my roommate's bed.

He leaves it a mess.

He's a slobberoo.

He's a pig of all kinds.

He farts and snores
and-- oh, there you are.

There you are, you
son of a bitch.

[screaming]

THEME SONG: I'm
going to Klown Kamp.

Klown Kamp.

TV ANNOUNCER: May 15th, 1991.

The massacre at the Bonzo Ranch.

Many believe Edwin's
crimes are merely legend.

But these exclusive
crime scene photos

tell a grisly tale of yet
another unsolved clown murder.

[music playing]

TV ANNOUNCER: And
we're here at-- oh,

[inaudible] looks likes
Snickles is [inaudible].

TV ANNOUNCER: --get that kind
of detail from a machine.

No.

These are hand-painted.

Hand-painted.

They are painted by hand
which means-- that's right.

You can't get that--
-That's right.

TV ANNOUNCER: --kind of
detail from a machine.

Unless, of course, you
had a mechanical hand.

Whoo!

You can cast your vote for the--

EDWIN: Oh, hey.

[speaking spanish]

Authorities believe the
murder suspect escaped on foot

and is still at large.

If you have any
information that could lead

to the capture of
Edwin the Clown,

please call our
information hotline.

EDWIN: Come and get me.

TV ANNOUNCER: And
we're back here.

[speaking spanish]

Not the bumbling fool.

Fuck you.

[inaudible].

[interposing voices]

[RAPPING] MC Murder 'N'
Da Maniac Circus Orchestra,

coming at you from Detroit.

Yeah, we're the cannibalistic,
crazy, killer clowns.

We warned you.

EDWIN: Oh, hm.

Paid advertisement.

What the hell is he doing on TV?

Do you want to be a clown?

Bring laughter and joy to
children across the country?

Hello, everyone.

I'm Bonzo the Clown, and
I'm proud to announce

the grand pre-opening of
Klown Kamp at Bonzo Ranch.

EDWIN: What?

I'm gonna fucking kill
that son of a bitch!

Our beautiful 400-acre
facility has a start-of-the-art

pie-throwing range.

The brand new,
renovated [inaudible]

memorial theater, and
affordable student housing.

[crashing]

LENNY: Jelly beans.

Jelly beans, jelly
beans, jelly beans.

Will that be all?

Uh, give me a family-size
pack of rubbers just in case.

Oh, Vinnie.

Can I have a pickle?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Just calm down.

So where are you clowns headed?

Oh, we're going to Klown
Kamp at Bonzo Ranch.

We have an intensive program.

They have an intensive program.

That teaches comedy technique.

Teaching comedy technique.

Character development.

Character development.

And dramatic improvisation.

And improvi-- improv--
improv-- imporviblization.

And how to throw a pie.

And how to throw a pie.

Oh, yeah.

I heard they were opening
that place back up.

Never mind what you've heard.

You guys.

Yeah.

Yeah, I like you guys.

There's a death curse.

You're all gonna die, except
for maybe the big fella.

Don't give him any money.

I'm tellin' ya--
there's a death curse.

Don't go up to Camp
Sparkling Lake.

There's a maniac up there
wearing a football helmet,

hacking people to pieces.

Uh, we're not going
to Camp Sparkling Lake.

We're going to Bonzo Ranch.

Oh, oh, oh.

Well, uh-- sorry to
bother you and never mind.

Or was there a death
curse up there too?

TV NARRATOR: Bonzo the Clown
has entertained audiences

of all ages for over 30 years.

In Hollywood's golden
age, 1974 to 1991,

many successful
comedy entertainers

began their careers at Bonzo's
world famous Klown Kamp.

Now by popular
demand, it's back.

[music "pomp and circumstance"]

Come on, Lenny, let's go.

Hurry up.

I'm trying.

-Come on, Lenny.
-It's heavy.

Come on.

Hurry up, Lenny.

Pick it up.
Come on!

I'm trying.

So heavy.
-God damn.

I should've left you
in that trash can

at the abortion clinic.

You want me to
help you with that?

Let me help you with that.

Pick it up!

Pick it up!

Pick it all up again!

You disgust me.

God, you're so pathetic.

Hurry up.

Seltzer.

Hold this.

That was a good trick.

Thank you.

A very--

You want to see my wiener?

No.

Oh, Philbert.

Squirts.

What are you doing here?

And I thought for sure
you'd be in jail by now.

No.

I'm here to learn to
be a birthday clown.

Hi, I'm Philbert.

Balloons are my specialty.

Pleased to meet you.

They call me Puff,
Puff the Magic Clown.

Philbert, do you
want to see my wiener?

Mm, no.

I've already seen it.

So who's the old guy?

That's Bonzo from
that old show.

Another washed up TV clown.

Really?

The Bonzo?

I didn't even recognize him.

I grew up watching his show.

I knew he owned the
ranch, but I didn't

think he'd actually be here.

Why, he's the whole
reason I became a clown.

Are you sure you don't
want to see my wiener?

Yes.

No.

Yes.

No.

I mean, yes.

Whoa!

So nice to see other
clowns out here.

I'm headed to Bonzo Ranch.

Thanks so much
for picking me up.

You wanna smoke some hash?

Hey, you have a sunroof?

I am the wind.

You don't have to
go so fast, mister.

Slow down.

You're totally killing my buzz.

Hey, man.

Wasn't that the
turn right there?

Hey, where are you going?

[screaming]

LENNY: Playing with shit is fun.

This is great.

I-- I'm so excited.

Look, they have all the
pie cans, and there's the--

It's too fucking early, and
there ain't no goddamn coffee.

[fart]

Attention!

Move it, move it, you maggots.

Move, move, move.

GERALD: Oh, my glasses.

I am Sgt. Thadius
Funnybone III.

From here on out, you
will address me as Sir.

I'm here to teach you the
skills and the techniques

to make people laugh.

[laugh track]

You will be put through
the most grueling clown,

comprehensive, concentrated
training on this planet.

And if you want to
cry to your mommy,

you best go home
now, party clown.

Wipe that smile off your face.

You will learn
mime, table slides,

spit takes, juggling,
everything you're

gonna need to make little
boys and little girls

squeal with delight when
you walk in the room.

Got that, Nancy Boy?

This is the worst group
of clown I ever seen.

FUNNYBONE: You dumb, boy?

Don't be so hard on them, Tex.

I think they're going
to make a swell team.

Look like a bunch of
losers, you ask me.

Isn't there some hay
that needs baling?

You will be assigned a pie
tin and a seltzer bottle

with your name
clearly marked on it.

If you lose these items,
they will be replaced.

But it will be deducted
from your deposit!

Oh.

This little, pretty,
pink, pony clown, huh?

You think you're special?

You think because
your grandpappy

owns this ranch, that you can
just come and go as you please,

huh?

You're gonna get
special treatment?

Who's that?

FUNNYBONE: Well, you're wrong!

Her name is Valerie.

She's Bonzo's granddaughter.

Wow.

She's beautiful.

You think you're too
good to be a clown?

VALERIE'S FATHER:
You're a clown.

FUNNYBONE: Too
good to be a clown?

Eat your cream pie.

You think you're too
good to be a clown.

You're gonna get it.

[slapping]

[crying]

Did you hear me?

Yes, sir.

You need a serious
attitude adjustment.

What the hell?

Who's there?

[screaming]

EDWIN: So funny.

ANNOUNCER: So you
want to be a clown?

Lasting education, field
trip, presentation.

The history of clowning dates
back to the beginning of time.

Clowns have been
around forever.

ANNOUNCER: Some say clowning is
the second oldest profession.

The second oldest profe-- I
wonder what number one was.

Hey, I made you something.

Hey, I want a balloon.

A penis?

Oh, what?

It's a pirate sword.

You know?

For pirates?

No thank you.

I can make you a wiener dog.

ANNOUNCER: This is
no laughing matter.

I want a wiener dog.

[guitar playing]

[owl hooting]

PUFF: Wow, he's really good.

Uh, thank you.

Do you hear that?

Beautiful.

Now that's talent, huh?

We're gonna be frickin' rich.

And as his agent, I get 90%.

You all know this place
gots a death curse, right?

What did you say?

Ah, he's fuckin' lying.

Nah, nah, nah.

I ain't playing.

I know why this place
been closed for 15 years.

I ain't trying to scare
nobody, but yo, this place

gots a legend, a dark
secret, if you will.

It was was years
ago to this day.

Edwin came to Klown Kamp to
make his dreams come true.

EDWIN'S MOTHER
[VOICEOVER]: Dear Edwin.

I'm so very proud of you.

Don't tell your father.

He still thinks you should
be an inventory clerk.

But I saved up to buy
something for you.

EDWIN: Oh, Mom.

EDWIN'S MOTHER [VOICEOVER]:
Live your dream, son.

Love, Mom.

BUZTER [VOICEOVER]: But yo,
destiny had other plans.

Edwin the Clown didn't
make no one laugh

the whole time he was at camp.

EDWIN: Stupid, stupid, stupid.

BUZTER [VOICEOVER]: It was the
very last day of Klown Kamp.

This was his last chance.

Yo, he knew if he didn't
get some laughs that night,

his ass would
flunk the fuck out,

effectively ending
his circus career.

Check it.

He was nervous as hell.

C-- can I please have a
volunteer from the audience?

Oh, thank you.

Come on up, sir.

BUZTER [VOICEOVER]:
Then the moment

of truth flew down
like a bird bringing

worms to his little baby birds.

Boy, you look like you're tired
and you've had a rough day.

But this time, he was prepared.

He had a funny ass joke.

Boy, I-- I bet you'd probably
like to have a seat, huh?

BUZTER [VOICEOVER]:
It was his night.

Nobody wanted to see him fail.

[cell ringing]

Hello?

No, I'm at Klown Kamp right now.

I'm on a cellular phone.

No, I'm not at home.

BUZTER [VOICEOVER]: They
didn't have a no cell phones

policy back in the day.

No, I need another chance.

Thank you very much.

That was Edwin.

No!

No, no, no.

I need just one more
chance, that's all I need.

Please move away
from the stage.

[babbling]

HOST: Does anybody hear me?

If I don't graduate,
I'm not gonna

have all my dreams come true.

Get off the stage.

Other people are waiting.

HOST: No pie throwing.

No pie throwing.

If I see another pie--

BUZTER [VOICEOVER]:
That's when the phantom

entered into his soul.

It's not fair!

BUZTER [VOICEOVER]: Edwin
didn't think it was fair

that his routine got jacked.

So the next day at graduation,
Edwin came back for his revenge

against the whole camp.

He sliced them, diced
them, cut them up.

Shoved a gad up their ass,
splattered their guts.

Shunned by a would
that he didn't create.

They tried to escape,
but it was just too late.

[RAPPING] He's an original
clown killer, murderer.

Cap peeler, soul stealer.

The maven of mayhem.

With evil eyes, and
knives, and ice pick,

and bloodlust
precision, he murdered

the whole fucking camp.

And he even ate some
of them while they

were still breathing.

I think.

He became a bona fide killer.

Then he put all the
bodies into a clown car

and dumped them in
that Sparkling Lake.

Ain't no one heard
from him since.

Some people say if
you listen real good,

you can still hear him
practicing his routine.

[screaming]

No, guys, guys.

No, it's just me.

It's Gerald.

Look, I got the glasses and
the nose my mom bought me.

You're a bunch of
fucking pussies.

Guys, I just, uh-- guys?

[scream]

Somebody help him!

This guy's gone crazy.

He's gotten mad cow disease.

What the [thud]
fuck are you doing?

Jesus, fuck.

Get him off of me.

Get him off.

[crying]

Get him off.

I'm holding you liable.

I am filing a class
action suit for the damage

you did to Lenny.

-I saw birdies.
-Shut up.

Birdies.

I'll beat that rap just like
I beat your grandmama's pussy.

And frankly, you're
lucky that big ass

ape didn't pounce on me,
because I'll fuck him up.

I'm a psychopathic
lunatic killer.

And that's what I'm
gonna prove in court, huh?

You're fucking with
some dark forces, bitch.

Hi, Valerie.

Look.

Sausage is my breakfast
fever. [ECHO] Breakfast fever.

VALERIE'S FATHER: Valerie.

Valerie.

Valerie.

I just wanted to give you
a little kiss good night.

Oh.

You wanna see Daddy's wiener?

[unzipping]

Get the hell away from me.

[crying]

Sorry.

Jesus.

I didn't mean to scare you.

Can I sit down?

I don't care.

You know, I've known
Squirts for a long time.

He's just a misunderstood guy.

Really.

I mean, one time, at
the Children's Hospital,

he actually--

I don't even want to be here.

My grandpa wanted me to come.

He doesn't understand though.

I'm not a clown.

Many of you have
thrown a pie to a face.

But how many of you have
thrown a pie 500 yards?

Holy shit.

Now let's see what
you amateurs can do.

Well.

Look who decided to
join us for class today.

Are you two finished
jelly dicking around?

You think you can come
and go as you please?

Actually, sir, it's
entirely my fault.

Is that true, Pink Princess?

Well then, I have an
errand for you, boy.

Fuck you, Grandma Bonzo.

Hey.

These shoes are not for hiking.

Oh, god.

Buzter, you're a dick.

Dick.

Dick.

What are you doing here?

Man, Funnybone's a bitch.

We could use a
little help here.

Hey.

What are you listening to?

Tsk.

MC Murder 'N' the
Maniac Circus Orchestra.

What the fuck you think, dog?

Right.

The three-cord rage-rock
with their drum machines and

their sophomoric rap lyrics.

Those guys are a fucking
disgrace to clown

rap genre if you ask me.

[scream]

Ah!

Buzter!

Buzter!

It's my whole way of life.

And I ain't gonna die for shit.

Buzter!

Buzter, no!

Chill out, homie.

What's that?

Is that part of the camp?

Oh shit!

Holy shit.

Oh.

What are you talking about?

I don't think this
is part of the camp.

Stop.

This will definitely--
definitely result in us

not getting our deposit back.

What is this place?

This must be part
of the old Klown Kamp

where the Edwin
murders went down.

OK, I'm outta here.

Hey.

I thought you made that up.

Nah, dog.

All my homies know
who Edwin was.

He's the original clown killer.

There's food in here.

Who's is this?

Whoa, Frugo.

Wait, Buzter.

I wouldn't do that
if I were you.

Pfft.

Frugo Lite.

Hey, guys.

Told you.

There's a sleeping bag in here.

Someone was living here.

Yep, I'm outta here.

OK.

Here we go.

Fuckin' pussies.

What the-- oh shit.

Where the hell are those
boys with that seltzer?

Got to warn them
about the death curse.

Who's there?

You shouldn't be out here.

There's a death curse.

[screaming]

Damn, this is far.

Stupid ass-- I tell
them to get the seltzer.

I don't know what they're doing.

I'll find them and use some--
that's what's gonna happen.

What the hell?

[laughter]

Who's there?

Wouldn't you like to know?

Who's there?

You come back here.

I'll find you.

No, you won't, you idiot.

Get back over here.

I'll find you.

You've run from me.

Over here.

Over here.

Remember me?

Keep following me.

Over here.

Over here.

Over here.

You!

I see you now.

Oh, I'm gonna get you.

I got you now.

I-- what kind of
shenanigans is this?

What?

I'm right here.

TV ANNOUNCER: --at Bonzo
Ranch and boost your chances

at a high-salary career in the
fast-growing field of clowning.

Learn hands-on with
industry professionals.

We're located in Big
Shoe Valley, just a mile

off the Sparkling Lake exit.

Hey, I was watching that.

Hey.

TV ANNOUNCER: 12
college students

will compete against each other
to survive an entire weekend--

Get a room.

Hey, Vinnie.

Cotton candy.

I got cotton candy.

I love cotton candy.

You love cotton candy, huh?

Makes me feel warm inside.

You like it, huh?

It's nice?

I like-- there's so many
different colors, Vinnie.

Like what?
Whadda you got there?

I got blue.

-Yeah, you got blue?
-I got green.

What else is there?

My-- my favorite color.

Tell me what your
favorite one is.

Let me show you
my favorite color.

-Yeah, what is it?
-It's the yellow.

Shut the fuck up.

Funnybone find you guys?

No, we just got back.

Fuckin' beat.

I'm glad some of us
are getting some action.

Yo, Count Jerkula.

You're gonna give your
dick a death curse, dog.

I bet you, once we
graduate, we're gonna get

clown groupies just like that.

Yo, dog, there ain't no
such thing as clown groupies.

Sure.

All entertainers get groupies.

What?

You think this is
a fuckin' costume?

It's a way of life, dog.

GERALD: Sorry.

Can you put it back
on the other channel?

Shut the fuck up.

Turn it to--

Shut the fuck up.

Hello?

Hey.

Hey.

How's it going?

OK.

Um, actually, kind of
wanting to talk to you.

You know, today, the
pie range earlier,

you didn't have to do that.

I-- I just wanted
to say thank you.

You're welcome.

Hey, we're gonna be
hanging out in the room

drinking some beers later
if you want to join us.

Um, actually, I think I'm
probably gonna go to bed.

But thanks and, uh, have fun.

Well, if you change your
mind, you know where we are.

GERALD: All entertainers
get groupies.

VINNIE: Shut the fuck up!

Show me those puppies.

[barking]

Show her your wiener.

Ah, I almost forgot
about the kitty.

What's that?

It's nothing.

It's nothing.

No.

Stop it.

Seriously, go check it out.

Fine.

Do you have a 3?

Go fish, bitch.

[glass breaking]

What was that?

Probably Edwin.

He's coming to kill us.

No, he's not.

[knock on door]

Save me, Buzter.

Dude.

Come on, dog.

Oh, god.

I don't like this at all.

Was it a squirrel?

Oh shit!

Shh!
-Pervert.

Dumb holes.

What?

What is it, Dung?

Grab the beer.

What's going on?

Grab the beer!

GERALD: Don't you ever
use the front door?

[hip hop playing]

Whoa!

Good move.

There's more.

More beer?

Girls!

Girlies!

Be cool, Gerald.

Sorry I slapped you.

That was a little harsh.

Yeah.

Move it.

[awkward laughter]

Now where were we?

[honking]

That's it.

That's it.

Yeah.

Oh jeez-- oh god.

Oh-- oh god.

[moan]

Oh, here comes-- oh, here comes
the big tips and cream pie.

[moans]

[panting]

Huh?

Are you-- are you on
your period already?

[squeaking]

[CHUCKLING] Look what I got.

Your girlfriend gives good head.

[crunch and honk]

EDWIN: Get it?

Watch your head.

Gentlemen, I'd like to introduce
you to some new friends.

This is Mandy, Candy,
Dandy, and Aloise.

Hi.

GERALD: Hi, Aloise.

And they love balloon animals.

Wow, you guys
really are clowns.

That's so cool.

[laughter]

[muffled laughter]

Philbert?

Guys?

WHISPER: Oh, shit.

[moans]

MALE VOICE: You're
a-- I'm so bad.

[moans]

[balloon squeaks]

MALE VOICE: Sweet.

Stop it-- no, don't stop it!

Hey, Vinnie!

Hey Vinnie, I found a quickie.

Well, we didn't get
woke up this morning.

No one did.

Half the clowns ain't here
and no one's seen Funnybone.

Guess everyone was
having a party last night.

What's that supposed to mean?

So is there no class today?

No.

We got a substitute.

[monkey noises]

[whistles]

This is weird.

I can't believe Funnybone
would leave that guy in charge.

I can't believe I sold
Lenny's kidney for this.

Why do you keep ignoring me?

I saw you with those
girls last night.

You did?

OK-- OK, OK.

Look at your eyes.

Yeah.

OK-- is that a bat?

It's a bat.

Birdie, birdie, birdie, birdie.

No!

Vinnie!

I wasn't ready!

It's not like we're
dating or anything.

Yo.

Pay attention.

LENNY: Lenny?

Bird, bird.

Let me start over--
let me start over.

OK.

Um, uh.

Just fucking spray
me, you moron!

Don't be so mean, Vinnie.

[mocking noises]

Fine!

I'll show you-- take that!

[screaming]

[lenny whimpering in horror]

[monkey noises]

Somebody get some aloe!

[hysterical whimpering]

Vinnie!

[crying]

Vinnie!

Pie?

I like pie-- a lot.

Hello?

[inaudible]

Best pie in the world.

This is the best
pie in the whole--

Hello?

There's a death curse!

And bears, too!

Where Are them damn clowns?

I forgot to take a left at
the old oak tree, didn't I?

Oh, you shouldn't be here.

There's a death curse
and a maniac running

around with a football helmet.

Uh-oh.

[grunt]

[yelling]

[honking]

[screech]

[crash]

[disappointed groans]

[ticking clock]

[inaudible].

You all right?

Thanks, Buster.

Sure, dog.

We made it, buddy.

I called 911.

They won't send anyone because
they say there's a death curse.

A death curse?

Why didn't anybody warn us?

You know I told you,
it's [inaudible].

Shut up, Buster.

Fuck-- what the fuck you
say, you faggot mother bitch?

Get the fuck back here.

PHILBERT: Buster, I can
make your dick disappear.

God-- jeez.

[gurgle]

God, I wish I had a first
aid kit or something.

Hold on.

You're just the life-saver,
aren't you, Puff?

I have the outfit, too.

I am so not wearing that.

What?

It came with the thermometer.

[gurgle]

[scream]

[more screams]

No!

Yo-- I'm getting seriously
freaked out and shit.

Listen, Edwin's here, and he's
going to kill us-- for reals!

Buster, chill out.

No!

No!

No, I don't want to chill out!

I want to get the
fuck out of here!

But we can't leave Vinnie!

Vinnie's as good as dead, girl!

With proper medical
attention, he

could live a fulfilling life!

That's a really good point.
That's true.

He could live a fulfilling life.

Well, I'm not so
sure, actually.

His brain's--

Listen!

Y'all want to stand
here and motherfucking

[inaudible] that's fine.

But I'm getting the fuck
back home to Detroit--

right fucking now!

Gerald!

Where you at?

Let's get the fuck out of here!

You going to be OK?

[sobbing]

I'm sure you should
really rinse off your face.

[RAGGEDLY SCREAMING] No!

I'm sorry, I'm sorry!

What were you thinking?

I-- I don't know!

I hate you, Puff!

I'm sorry!

I'm sure-- he obviously
died in his sleep.

Didn't suffer at all.

I sleep like that all the time.

Me too!

Yeah.

I mean, at least he went
out-- you know, peacefully.

Peacefully.

I got to go.

OK.

I think he did too, and
his pants fell down.

Let me know when you're done.

PHILBERT: You have to pee, too?

[whistling]

[thunder]

[footsteps]

BUSTER: Oh, shit!

GERALD: Oh Buster, save
me-- save me, Buster!

Run!
Run!

BUSTER: Oh no!

[panicked whining]

[laughter]

GERALD: You-- you
don't have to kill me.

I'm not even a clown--
look at the fake nose!

I-- I just wanted to try it out.

I-- I-- I think they should
have given you a second chance.

Your joke-- it was hilarious!

A whoopie cushion--
who would've thought?

A whoopie cushion!

[screaming laughter]

I can't do it.

Oh jeez.

[hiphop playing faintly]

I'm a killer.

I'm a killer.

I'm a killer.

I'm a killer.

I'm a killer!

I'm a killer!

I'm a killer!

EDWIN: You look thirsty.

Would you like a
refreshing beverage?

[laughter]

Ugh, Frugo Lite!

EDWIN: It's got less calories.

Let's check that thermometer.

[gurgle]

Whoa!

Now he wants chicken soup.

Why would somebody do
that to Grandpa Bonzo?

He'd never hurt anybody.

But wasn't he a member
of the Klown Klux

Klan back in the old days?

And didn't they lynch hundreds
of mimes and trapeze artists?

Hey, they did a lot
of charity work, too.

I'm saying, kicking
puppies is just--

[loud sobbing]

Valerie--

[fart noise]

Puff, this is time for jokes.

That's not my gag!

[glass breaking]

Oh, good.

Vinnie's OK.

He's just sleeping.

[relieved laughter]

[scream]

Run!

PHILBERT: All right,
he went the other way.

Hey, everything's
going to be all right.

You don't understand.

This is all my fault. I've
never told anybody this.

[ECHOING] Valerie.

Dad missed you.

[slide whistle and a click]

[ECHOING] Hey, what's that?

Clowns don't use guns.

Guns aren't funny!

VALERIE [CRYING]: I
don't want to be a clown!

Heavens to Betsy, Valerie,
what have you done?

Don't worry, pumpkin.

Grandpa's just a leopard.

We'll bribe the judge.

No!

[shouting in spanish]

He looks guilty to me.

Oh, don't worry, pumpkin.

Bonzo!

Did you frame the gardener?

Is he just a pansy-- a fall guy?

[interposing voices]

How do you answer reports?

No!

No!

--[inaudible] 9-year-old midget
hermaphrodites in Zanzibar!

No, no, no!

They're 12!

I swear, they're 12!

What about rumors that you've
got work done on your nose?

No, it's a new nose--
it's real, it's real!

Is it true you were
arrested in a Tokyo airport

with a half ton of helium?

Wait.

What's that got to
do with anything?

If Grandpa Bonzo
hadn't lost his TV show,

he never would have opened this
camp and none of the murders

would have happened.

Grandpa Bonzo was the
only person I could trust.

You can trust me, Valerie.

[motor starting]

PHILBERT: Come on!

[HONKING HORN TO THE TUNE OF
"DIXIE"]

Run all the way to
town and don't stop.

No!

Yes!

Don't worry about me.

I'll be fine.

I-- really like your pink hair.

Go, now!

Hey!

I'm over here!

Come after me!

[relieved sigh]

[motor revving]

[tire squeal]

Help me!

Hello?

Hello?

Somebody!

Anybody?

Hello?

Hello?

[faint children's laughter]

Anybody?

Bill.

Bill.

I could use a new credit card.

Oh my god!

EDWIN: Who's in there?

[laughter]

[sobbing]

[screaming]

[laughter]

Ow!

Ow.

[monkey noises]

VALERIE: No!

No!

[sobbing]

VALERIE: Why are you doing this?

A second chance.

Alls I wanted to do
was to make people

smile-- to make them happy!

But nobody laughed-- nobody!

Oh, how life could so cruel!

[off-key carnival music playing]

Test!

Is this thing on?

Oh.

I-- I see we have a
lively bunch tonight.

Anybody for [inaudible]?

[phone ringing]

What?

What is that?

[hysterical screaming]

Grandpa!

No!

No!

[ringing and screaming]

Please turn off
your cell phones!

Who likes magic?

I do.

I like it a lot.

Puff!

For my first trick, I will
saw my assistant in half!

Hey, what are you doing?

Huh?

[screaming and sawing]

Ta-dah!

Are you enjoying the show?

[sobbing]

I saved my funniest
trick for you!

Oh my god!

Turn-- turn and
face the audience.

Hello-- wave!

Wave!

Wave!

You look-- you look worn out.

Maybe you should have a seat.

Have a seat!

Please.

[fart sound]

[laughter]

[clapping]

Don't you have something to
say to this unsuspecting lady?

You've been clowned!

ANNOUNCER: That's
right, Valerie.

Every season, a
new class of clowns

will sign up for
what they think is

an educational experience
before being savagely picked

off by a celebrity killer!

Each week, audiences call in
to vote for who dies next.

Valerie, dear, I'm pleased
to announced on national

television that you
are the final winner

of "You've Been Clown'd!"

Foxy McCool here--
yes, America!

Each week, millions of
you called our 900 number

to cast your vote!

It has been an amazing
competition, woo!

And at the end of it all,
Valerie wins by a landslide!

Now, you are so lucky,
because tonight on the show

we have none other than Tex!

Tex, now I believe you were
one of the first people

to get voted off the show.

How does that make you feel,
being such a big loser?

FAKE TEX: Valerie, remember
when I told you they were going

to foreclose on the ranch?

Well, in the end, it was bought
by RJO Studios of Hollywood.

They've offered
me an opportunity

to be back on national TV!

TEX: Where the fuck's my check?

Your check?

Oh Tex, I'm sorry, but you
didn't read the fine print!

Back to you, Bonzo!

Woo!

We'd like to thank our
special guest celebrity actor!

ANNOUNCER: You'll notice
that Edwin the killer clown

is none other than Vick Vickers,
from the "Vick Vickers Show."

Check your local listings.

[VICK VICKERS SHOW THEME SONG
PLAYING]

ANNOUNCER: Special thanks to
Joe Benton's Effects Factory

for providing all of
the state of the art

special effects.
"You've Been Clown'd"

has been brought to you by
Frugo, vendors of Frugo Lite!

I just found out about this
like a couple of minutes ago,

too!

ANNOUNCER: And every
contestant will

also receive the home version
of "You've Been Clown'd."

Clown your friends!

Clown your family!

Clown-- clown your enemies!

With "You've Been Clown'd."

Greetings!

I'm Vick Vickers,
and I'm an alcoholic.

I've been sober for 20 minutes,
and it's all thanks to Frugo.

[frugo theme playing]

Frugo!

And it's great for you
kids, because it'll take you

exactly where you want to be.

[frugo theme playing]

People ask me my
favorite flavor.

Sometimes it's red cream pie.

Extreme cotton
candy-- that's for me!

And whenever I'm in the
mood for a good root

vegetable-- Frugo onion!

[frugo theme playing]

Frugo is the magic drink
that has make me the celebrity

victim that I am today.

What a wild ride this has been.

Don't forget to tune in next
season when we'll have 12 new,

all unsuspecting
contestants who we'll

put through the hell, the
horrors, and the laughter

of "You've Been?

Clown'd."

You'll be clowned
like never before.

Thanks, ladies and
gentleman, and good night.

[frugo theme playing]

VICK: Frugo is the magic drink
that has made me the celebrity

victim that I am today.

EDWIN: I can't believe they got
that son of a bitch to play me!

I didn't give them
permission to do that.

My entertainment
lawyer screwed me!

Yeah, I was-- I was really
freaked out for awhile.

I mean, come on.

There was blood and
guts everywhere.

I was surprised to-- yeah.

I was surprised at who came out.

I was promised a bigger role.

I'm glad it had a happy ending.

[squeaking]

I just want to say I'm proud
of every one of those guys.

In my opinion,
they're all winners.

In the way that isn't
actually winning--

in that kind of more loser way.

Yo, out of the ashes
rises the phoenix

of the greatest rock and
roll story ever told,

and that's a Bust a Pie.

Check this shit.

This album coming out Tuesday.

I know there's no parental
advisory sticker on here,

but I can assure you
this shit is dirty.

Yeah, bitch

Just look at
him-- he's useless.

Can't sing "Happy Birthday,"
can't blow out a candle,

can't honk his horn.

[HIGH-PITCHED] Oh, fuck yeah.

I would like to cure cancer.

EDWIN: Oh, that's beautiful.

I'd like to buy a
really big pickle.

EDWIN: What?

[HIGH-PITCHED] I
never loved you.

It's just not
true that steroids

enhance your funniness.

Although some of
the side effects,

like the shrinking
of the testicles,

can make one funnier.

Ah-- ah!

Hey Philbert, have you
talked to Valerie recently?

Woo?

Um-- all the crying
and all that bullshit--

you know, I could
kind of tell she

had some emotional problems.

So I don't even know
what she's doing now.

[faint voices]

[door slam]

NURSE: Dr. [inaudible] please.

EDWIN: Oh, that poor girl!

Look what those sons
of bitches did to her!

This show sucks!

Cheer up!

You've just won a lot of money!

EDWIN: Fuck you, Foxy McCool!

I'm going to kill you!

I'm gong to kill my lawyer!

I'm going to kill every one
of those fucking fuckers!

Hey, I'm having fun!

Look at me, I'm dancing!

I'm doing the, um-- you
know, before I had Frugo,

I couldn't get a date.

Now I go out with
John Travolta, Lance

Bass-- we have the best time!

Frugo Onion!

It's also good if
I'm not in the mood

to fuck my wife, because
then my breath stinks

and she'll leave
me alone and I can

go out with the gay hookers!

ANNOUNCER: Coming
up next, it's "Death

Curse," the reality show.

Can you survive the death curse?

We've resurrected
Camp Sparkling Lake's

infamous axe-wielding killer.

Now, 12 college students will
compete against each other

to survive an entire weekend
at Camp Sparkling Lake.

This week, Barbara
finds out that Cindy

has been sleeping with her
boyfriend-- and the killer,

too!

I thought he loved me.

And then he tried to kill me!

ANNOUNCER: And find out who
wins the sack race to earn

a pair of night vision goggles.

That and more, next.