Klown (2010) - full transcript

Would you like
a little yummy-yummy?

Wonderful.

- What are you doing?
- Yummy-yummy?

Is it because I haven't showered?

No...
I meant cream puffs.

Cream puffs...

- Ah, that kind of yummy-yummy.
- You thought it was the other yummy?

- I don't know what I thought.
- It's just cream puffs.

You sure have taken a shine to these.
Cream puffs 24-7.

- Well, I'm in.
- I know you are.

What's that letter?
It hasn't even been opened.



- I use it as a book mark.
- It's from our sponsor child.

It's probably about him having fresh
water and walking 50 miles to school.

No, no, no! They say we haven't paid
anything in the last 18 months!

They've transferred the child
to another sponsor.

- Why haven't you paid?
- I thought I had!

Well, apparently not! It says here
that we haven't paid for 18 months.

The bank was going to handle it,
because I always forget these things!

- Well, you neglected to tell the bank.
- It was an honest mistake.

Yes. And now we don't have
that child anymore.

I lost interest in the cream puff
altogether now.

- Aha. We're the last to arrive.
- Look, how pretty.

- Isn't it pretty?
- Yes, it looks great.

Hi, Bo!

- Frank, say hi to Bo, would you?
- Hi.



I need a drink.

- You're going camping?
- Yes! We take off on Monday.

- Out in the wild.
- Just the two of us.

Canoeing?

Every fucking time I travel,
Iben comes along, and I can't get laid.

So I asked, if she'd go canoeing.
She said no, so canoeing it is!

So from now on all my vacations
start out in a canoe.

- Into a canoe, next stop Pattaya.
- I'm bringing my fishing rod, though.

- So, I'll see you at the music festival?
- Hell yeah!

- I might just host a little reefer.
- What's a reefer?

A joint.
The annual one, Frank.

Ah, I see!

It hits you harder than a hammer.

It's magic powder from a quick dip in
Tinker Bell's pussy. Sprinkle, sprinkle.

Hip, hip, hooray.
Hip, hip, hooray.

Stand up straight, Bo.

Frank! Everybody's waiting!

We apologize.

Is cousin Andreas here?

Look up, Bo.

You're going to the festival?
What about Bo?

Susan said you'd be looking
after him during their honeymoon.

Not me! If I wanted kids around,
I'd have worked in a kindergarten.

- Hi, sweetie.
- Your hands are cold.

It's chilly.

A draft, please.

Hey, Frank.

- God, she's cute.
- I'm so happy for you.

About what?

Mia's pregnancy.

- She's not pregnant!
- Yes, she is. I examined her myself.

Your boys are swimming, Frank.
Well done.

- Are you trying to be funny?
- You're the one joking around.

- Andrea says, that Mia is pregnant.
- I?m not saying that.

- She is!
- You know more than me, then.

Andreas! Hello!

- Frank wasn't supposed to know yet!
- I'm quite surprised he doesn't know.

- Mia was very explicit about this!
- Not to me.

- She wanted to wait!
- I'm so cold...

Honey, Andreas says you're pregnant.

Yeah... I congratulated him.

Are you?

Yes. I am.

Why didn't you tell me?

Frank, can we talk about this at home?

I think we should talk about it now.

Can we please wait
until we get home?

Frank, it's just... I'm having doubts.

I worry you don't have
enough potential as a father.

I don't have father potential?

- You don't really like kids, do you?
- Sure, I do.

I do.

It would be a shame,
if we didn't give it a shot. Try it out.

It's not like you can try it out.
You can't return it, you know...

- No, no, no...! Of course, you can't.
- No.

May I tell you something?

Any man has the right to become
the father he's capable of being.

- What are you doing here?
- You're babysitting me.

- Was that today?
- Yes, starting today.

Okay.

I wasn't informed of that.

- Uhm... okay, welcome.
- Thank you.

I'm all over the place.
Mia's having doubts about the baby.

- And what do you say?
- I tell her...

...that the baby
should have a fair shot at it.

- A shot...?
- It's something you must believe in.

She must believe that you love her
more than anything on the planet.

Women need expressions of love.

- Like a box of chocolate...?
- Jesus, Frank, that won't do it.

You need to deliver a pearl necklace.
That's where we're at here.

- We're up to a pearl necklace.
- You mean expensive Tiffany style?

Uhm, no!
That's not exactly it.

- You're not getting it, Frank.
- A pearl necklace is very basic.

You simply come
on your girlfriend's neck.

She's sleeping. You come on her neck
and say: "I love you so much I had to."

- Masturbate on her?
- Yes.

- And that's a grand gesture?
- Yes, very much so.

She's sleeping. You come all over her.
Spray her breasts and neck with cum.

That's a pearl necklace.

She will see it as a compliment
and as an expression of love.

So, I wake her up and say:
"I just masturbated on you."

You might want to be more eloquent.
That just won't cut it.

I'll start out with a regular necklace,
but thanks for the input.

- Don't underestimate it, Frank.
- Hello. Hello.

I think we're all here now.
It's through there.

- Thank you.
- Casper, do you have a minute?

- I haven't read it.
- And?

- What should I do?
- Why ask me? I never read anything.

I didn't join the book club to read!
I joined to see the guys.

I always just say:
"Cool and very telling front cover."

- So, I'll talk about the back cover?
- That's not my problem, Frank.

Today we will talk about
Joseph Conrad's 'Heart of Darkness'.

May I?

I just want to thank Niels for
suggesting the book. It's a great read.

I'd read it before,
but it was fantastic to revisit it.

So as not to waste anybody's time,
I need to tell you that I didn't read it.

- And that's not wasting our time?
- That's why I'm saying it now.

So as not to waste your time.

- Then I'll have to ask you to leave.
- But I'm being honest.

What if we all said we hadn't read it.
It's rude to the rest of us.

It is!
So, leave.

I recall a previous incident when
Lars hadn't read 'We, The Drowned'.

Ole was very upset, and we agreed
that Lars would get a schnozzle.

Fair enough. Let's put it to the vote.
Frank stays, if he accepts a schnozzle.

Okay, Frank you can stay.
But you get a schnozzle.

I'm not the only one
who didn't read it.

Anyone else who hasn't read it?

- J?rgen?
- I didn't read it, I have to admit.

- I told you so.
- I'm prepared to accept a schnozzle.

I won't accept the schnozzle!
It's humiliating.

- Take the schnozzle...
- I don't want the schnozzle!

- I've had some personal problems.
- Well, J?rgen's been pretty busy, too.

- With the Tour de France reporting.
- No! The Haiti quake and all.

- Sure. That's too bad.
- And he accepts his schnozzle.

I've said no! It's a matter of principle.
I will not be mutilated.

It's humiliating.
I'm not in favour of it.

Then you must leave.
Why do I have to keep telling you?

Just because he wrote a hit song,
he's suddenly the king of the world.

- Bent is much more than that.
- Well, what is he then?

Bent wrote 'Alley Cat'.
He has the song and the bordello.

- What bordello?
- Castello Alley Cat in Silkeborg.

- Bent has a bordello in Silkeborg?
- The best bordello in Europe!

- In the world even.
- On our canoe route?

Why do you think
we're passing by there?!

It's open once a year.
Once a year!

He flies in the world's best prostitutes
for one night.

And only friends of Bent are invited.

But, Frank, get things sorted out
with Mia before we leave.

It?s tomorrow.

I love you, honey.
You know that, right?

- Yes.
- I wasn't sure you knew.

I know.
Did you say good night to Bo?

- No. Isn't he asleep yet?
- No, not quite.

Oh...
I'll say good morning to him instead.

- I'm off.
- Have a great night.

- You'll look after Bo?
- Yes.

- Bye.
- Bye, honey.

Did you check upstairs?

Grab the last bits and pieces.

Let's get out of here.

Did you ever hear of anyone leaving
a 12-year-old boy behind like that?

I've seen a lot as a policeman,
but you always protect your children.

- Not always.
- Of course you do! Do you hear me?

- Well?!
- Yes, yes...

Are you okay, Bo?

I just asked him!
So, now you can't hear?

You're such a coward!

You can't even look after
a child for one night!

Let's go get some sleep, Bo.

- Where do I sleep, sweetie?
- I don't know. In there.

It's a junior mattress, honey.

- Do you know where Mia is?
- What?

- Do you know where Mia is?
- She's taking a nap until we leave.

- Where are you going?
- To Grandma and Granddad's.

Did she say why?

- No, she didn't say why.
- What did she say? Is she upset?

I don't know. She just said she'd go
rest a bit because she was tired.

She needed to rest before leaving,
that's all I know.

Honey?

- What are you doing?
- What?

What are you doing?
What's going on?

- What's that? Help...
- Mom!

I thought that was you!
Bo said you were sleeping.

- Is it you, Frank?
- No!

- Mia, a tissue!
- I'll get some now. Go away!

- What's wrong with him?!
- Pykker?! I thought it was Mia!

That doesn't make it better!

- Yes, right there...
- It's in your eye.

Honey...

Right. I'm off to the ER with Mom.
Take Bo to my dad's.

- I'm ready.
- Frank will take you to granddad's.

- Grandma and me will be along later.
- Yes.

- See you, Grandma.
- Yes, sweetie.

- Would you like to try canoeing?
- No.

We're now going to Casper's.
You're coming along on the canoe trip.

When we get there,
I'll do the talking.

- What are you doing?
- Calling Granddad.

- Why?
- To tell them I'm going canoeing...

No!
I'll handle that, thank you very much.

Hello.

Stay here.
Casper and I'll be back in a minute.

Hi!

Here we go...

- A little wine for the road?
- Yes, thank you.

Damn, I can't wait!
Cheers on Tour de Pussy!

Yes, cheers on... our trip.

Canoe and pussy is
an exquisite combination.

Fuck the weather. Don't look so down.
It'll pass!

You'll be poking away in a tent,
who cares if it's raining on it. Cheers.

- Yes... cheers.
- Let's get the hell out of here!

Uhm... there's just one thing...

Hi, Bo.
What the hell is Bo doing here?

I was about to tell you.
Bo is coming with us. Mia's idea.

- Bo's coming canoeing with us?
- Yes.

- Okay. And this was Mia's idea?
- Yes. I've been under great pressure.

- It's not happening, Frank.
- It was my only option.

No, Frank. The only fucking option
is not taking him canoeing.

We can't bring a boy!
What the fuck, Frank?

I'm not happy about it,
but she's got us by the balls.

- He's not coming, for fuck's sake!
- I'm angry, too.

He's not coming! I'm not taking
a fucking boy on this trip!

- We're under pressure...
- You are! You're fucking whipped!

- Spineless wimp!
- What's up? Why are you angry?

We were going canoeing,
and now we have to take Bo!

- You're taking Bo?
- No, no, no. We're not...

- Why not?
- We're not changing our plans.

- Why not? Bo will fit right in!
- No, he can't!

- You'll fit in the canoe just fine.
- Yes, well... but, we...

What is the problem? Why are you
so upset that Bo's coming?

- This is Frank's and my plan!
- So what? Why can't he come?

- I hate when my plans are...
- What the fuck is wrong with you?

What's the problem with taking a 12...
How old are you?

...a 13-year-old canoeing?

- 'Cause...
- This is where it gets weird!

This is about you doing stuff
you don't want anyone to know about!

You, too! Wipe that holy smirk
off your face!

- I need my bag, where is it?
- I'll get it for you, Mr. Christensen.

My jacket, please.
Thank you.

Do you have your cell phone?
And your charger?

And the charger.
A little kiss? Bye-bye.

- Your boots.
- Thanks.

- Have a nice trip.
- It's already nice.

This is a load of shit for me
to drag around, Frank.

A load of shit.

So, I thought... I'll bring the boy
along, so I can look after him!

I'm allowed to look after him!
They asked me, too!

He's coming on the trip,
and that's that! I have to go, honey.

No, please carry on, Frank.
This is very informative.

Now I?m saying something very fast.
I?m the one, who brough him along.

Why did you do that?
What the hell?

I have to prove to Mia
that I can look after a kid.

So, it's kidnapping?
Well done, Frank! Congratulations!

I had to do something. I've been
declared an unfit father at home!

You're the biggest moron I know.

'Look at me, I'm a great dad',
and then you kidnap a kid. Idiot!

This is no trip for a boy!
It's Tour de Pussy, damn it!

Stop harassing me.

Unless the boy has the time
of his life, you're totally fucked!

Either he has the greatest fucking
trip ever, or Mia is done with you.

Congratulations,
and thanks for ruining my trip, too.

One second, Frank.
A word.

I'll help you
show the boy a good time.

But don't let it get in the way of pussy,
or I go crazy!

I need pussy! It's my drug!
It's my fucking drug, Frank.

Pussy's up here. Fatherhood, here.
Pussy beats fatherhood! Okay?

- Pussy beats fatherhood. So, he's in?
- Yes! I'll help you out, damn it!

- Cheers.
- Cheers, old boy.

Hey!
Look at that.

Can I have your Underberg caps

- Why?
- If you collect 288, you get a car.

- I'll give it to my dad.
- 288? You don't have time for that!

- You have to go to school.
- And masturbate! You'll be busy!

To Tour de P.

Yes.
Cheers.

Here you go.
Thank you.

- Okay, we're off!
- I have to pee.

- Okay.
- Hello! You need to wear this.

- You have to wear a life vest.
- No, I don't.

According to the rules, everyone who
rents a canoe must wear the vest.

Whoa! You can't just wave a bracelet
like that around. Man, that's nice!

- This was custom-made for you!
- Nah, it's off the rack.

Really? It's like it was made for you!
It's perfect!

A tiny London fair, you know?

Let's say that if something happens,
I'll put it on. Then you're home free.

- Deal?
- Take it.

Compromise: You'll hang on
to it for me. Okay? Cool.

- Awesome bracelet.
- Thanks.

- What was that?
- I flirted with him.

I man flirt, Frank. All men
are a little gay, you know that.

- No, I didn't know that.
- Jesus.

I grab his wrist to show him I've got
a grip on his life-sustaining... Aorta.

And then up here...
Can you feel that I'm in control?

If I was gay for real,
I'd do it from behind. A little trick.

Fuck, man.
My favourites.

I'll just do the old... Hello!
Hi-hi. And they wave back. Nice.

Don't forget about the boy.
I have to be a father figure here.

Gather round!
Listen up.

- Would you mind?
- What?

Would you mind, if I addressed
my high school class?

- Pardon?
- I'm trying to get their attention.

Thank you.
So...

...no standing in the canoes!

- Close the door when you poop.
- I'm not pooping, I'm peeing.

You pee sitting down?
What are you? A girl?

- There are no toilets in the wild.
- I sit down when I pee, okay?

In the wild we pee standing up.
Standing, standing, standing.

All men accounted for!

We'll be spending the night
at Papa Bear's Camping.

- Isn't that just 2 miles from here?
- Yes, it's perfect.

I talked to these two blond girls,
and they said it was the latest thing.

Good damn, this water is clear!
How cool is that?!

I wouldn't mind a mermaid blow-job.

Did ya ever see me nude-like
when I'm poking with my great pike

Little pitchers have big ears!
Isn't this great, Bo?

Indians, Bo!
Indians starboard! In the forest!

We're settlers, and we're trespassing!
They're furious!

They're on the warpath.
They're shooting arrows! Duck!

Argh! I'm hit!
Don't worry about me. Row!

Duck! Duck!

Duck!

Papa Bear's Camping

Hello. Welcome to
Papa Bear's Camping. I'm Papa Bear.

- There's 3 of us, and we need a spot.
- I've got the perfect place.

There's a nice quiet spot right here,
very family oriented...

- No, thanks. We want some action.
- I wouldn't mind a quiet...

Shh, Frank.

In this section
we have a lot of young people.

- A high school class.
- That'll do fine.

I don't think so,
it'll be noisy and...

But, Frank, we want
to be close to the action.

- But he needs his sleep.
- Yes, well... you know...

P beats F, remember?

So, Papa Bear, we're on 43.
Will you do the registration?

- Do you have an internet caf??
- No, I'm sorry.

There are tons of stuff here.
The Tarzan trail, tennis...

- You can play mini golf with Dad.
- He's not my dad.

He kidnapped me 'cause
he fell out with his girlfriend.

- He's kidding. I'm his uncle.
- Right, well, it's no business of mine.

Merlot. Cabernet Sauvignon.
But ros?! How about that?

Total high school style.
Two bottles, three compliments -

- and then this...

...a little blues to set the mood.
The good old harmonica.

- What's wrong, Frank?
- Everything!

- All you think about is pussy.
- This is Tour de Pussy, Frank!

- Snap out of it, for fuck's sake.
- Yes, but I also have an obligation...

- What happened, Bo?
- You stink of piss, Bo.

Did you pee your pants?

I was peeing standing up,
just like you said.

Didn't you pull down your pants?

There were these boys...
They teased me and pushed me.

I repeat: You reek of pee,
and this jacket absorbs smells easily.

- He can't make you smell of pee.
- That depends on the wind.

- What did they say?
- That I have a small willie.

How big is it?

- And the length?
- This is it.

- Hard?
- He can't have a boner in public!

Get a grip, Frank.

- I'm off, Frank.
- Well, I'm not letting it slide.

- Fine, whatever!
- Would you recognize the boys?

- It's the three boys up there.
- Those three?

- Hi.
- Hi.

- Did you tease a boy in the toilet?
- Him?

Yes. Did you just push him around?

- Uhm, yes...
- What if you were teased like that?

That would never happen.
We don't have small willies.

Go apologize.
I'll count to 3.

Say it out loud, so Bo can hear.
Bo! He's about to apologize.

1, 2... 3.

How's it working for you?

Don't ever do that again.

He doesn't dare do anything.
He's all talk!

- That was a bit uphill.
- Yes.

Shall we go back?

Come.

- There! No apology needed now.
- Fat fucker! You faggot!

Come.

- He'll never do that again!
- What the hell are you doing?

- What are you doing?
- Bo! Help!

- Disgusting bastard!
- Hey, what's going on here?

- He pulled down my boy's pants!
- Take it easy!

He teased Bo about his willie.

That got me so mad that I went
and pulled down his pants.

Pig!

I think your argumentation is quite
aggressive. I'm just trying to explain.

Sure, that's fine.
But tell me...

is it normal that you talk about
the boys willie?

- No, not every day...
- But sometimes?

No! Bo just mentioned that his willie is
small. I know it's a problem for him.

So, you pull down some other
boy's pants to see his willie, too?

No, Papa Bear,
I see where you're going.

- You seem to have a willie fixation?
- No, I don't!

But I'm fixated on fairness.

- Is it fair to pull down a boy's pants?
- Pack up your tent.

Get your faggot friend and your boy
and go look for another camping site.

- At this hour?
- You should leave now.

It's Roxette! Frank, we're having
a music quiz, sit down.

Not now! We're having a quiz.
This is your last chance.

What the hell is that?

- It's a Luger...
- Put that crap away!

- Give me that.
- It's really dangerous.

Take it easy.
It's not dangerous.

- How well do you know weapons?
- Well enough. It's not cocked.

I'm taking charge here. You hold this,
and you hold on to this.

Thank God
someone here's on top of it.

It's fine now!
No problem.

- We've been kicked out.
- From where?

- From the camping site.
- Because of the harmonica?

- No. I fell out with Papa Bear.
- What are you saying?!

I pulled down a boy's pants.
I'm sorry.

I am here now.
We're having a music quiz.

And I've promised to play
some Hannah Montana.

- So I'm staying!
- We were kicked out.

No, you got that wrong.
You were kicked out, not me.

- But we share a tent...
- Can I sleep with one of you guys?

- Can't I sleep in your tent?
- No.

- Can't he sleep with one of you?
- No.

We don't even know each other.
Ask the boys.

I don't know them.
Listen! Shut up!

What the hell's wrong with you? It's
fine to play the blues and hang out -

- and you drink my wine, but won't
let me crash in one of your tents?

Do you think wine
is a free pass to sex?

Free pass?
I need a place to sleep -

- and I was expecting volunteers.
Especially girls!

For the last time, can I
or can I not sleep with one of you?

Now... can I sleep with one of you?
This is Tour de Pussy, for God's sake!

I thought we'd agreed on
lights out at 11.

And what are you two doing here?

Shouldn't you find someone your own
age? Or are they harder to impress?

- Don't!
- That blows...

This is uncool, Frank.

- I'm not thrilled myself.
- What?

I'm also not thrilled myself.

You never stood a chance
with those girls, anyway.

There's always one. You know that.
This is Tour de Pussy, damn it!

Yeah, yeah.
I know.

Frank!

- Casper?
- We have to get moving!

- It's an emergency!
- An emergency?

Help me, Frank.
Watch out.

- What the hell?
- We have to go, hurry up!

- What happened?
- I'm in trouble!

Bo, wake up!
Bo! We have to go!

- What's going on? Bo! Wake up!
- I'll get him.

They're shouting rape
and all sorts of crap!

- Tell me you didn't rape someone!
- No! But they say I did. Let's go!

- Bo, God damn it! Get out of the tent!
- How could you go back and do her?

I didn't do her, Frank, but I tried to,
and I'm allowed to on Tour de Pussy!

- Wake up!
- I want my caps.

-Now the tent is ready
-Bo, come on

- Push!
- I am!

- There they are!
- Fuck! That way!

- I'm paddling, I'm paddling!
- There's always one, Frank!

- Apparently not, Casper!
- To the right!

We'll hide down here!

Under the branches, Frank!

Quiet.

Keep your dick
in your pants next time.

Don't take that tone with me, Frank.

I'm quietly asking, if we could upgrade
the dad-aspect of the trip a little.

And I'm quietly telling you that
we can't. This is Tour de Pussy!

- It's not Tour de other things.
- Yes, I agree that it's Tour de Pussy.

But it's turning into
Tour de Pussy kills Dad.

That boy is just here so you can get
Mia back and have your shitty kid.

Bo, you're here
because Frank wants Mia back -

- and basically he doesn't like you
and thinks you're a pain in the ass.

- It's out in the open, Frank.
- But... what about...

Bo, listen to this! Casper only came
to meet international prostitutes.

- He'll fuck them and cheat on Iben!
- What are you talking about?

Casper is only here for the hookers.

Forget nature.
He wants to fuck a Thai girl.

- That's a schnozzle right there!
- I get a schnozzle?

- You need a schnozzle!
- No, you! You asshole...

I can't...

Can't you swim?
He can't swim!

I can't swim either!

Are you okay, Bo?

- Thank you.
- Thanks, Frank.

Nice teamwork, buddy!
Right?

Damn, that was close.

I'll go out and look for a house, a car
or something, so we can get help.

- Okay.
- Where are my caps?

- Find my caps.
- No...

- Would you go get them?
- No! Forget them. We're alive!

- And I don't know how to swim.
- A boy your age should know.

We should've talked about that
before going canoeing.

There's a house up here.
Let's go see, if they'll help us.

Come.

This is it.

Hello?

Yes!

Hi. I'm sorry to intrude,
but our canoe capsized.

We were wondering,
if we could come in and dry off.

Yes, come in.
You're so wet, please come in.

I'll get you a hot drink.

Yay!

- Who wants the last pancake?
- Me.

Yes, well...

Here.

- For me?
- Yes, you can have it.

Thank you so much.

And stretch out your arms.

Kick.
Push your arms back.

Kick faster!
Yes! We have momentum!

See how fast I'm going?
Great! You're holding your head, Bo!

You are swimming. You are swimming!

He?s swimming, Casper!

Let me see that willie.

You know what?
It's normal for a boy your age.

When you get older,
it suddenly starts to grow.

And with guys like us
who have a little excess weight -

- the willie can appear smaller.
And there are fat reserves around it.

So if you have a lot of fat, the willie
can sort of get... lost in it a little.

- Is there room for me?
- Yes, of course.

Move over here
so there's room for Frank.

I'm totally exhausted.

- Is he asleep?
- Yes.

I'm tired.

- Sleep well, Frank.
- You, too. Sleep well.

- Goodnight, Frank.
- Goodnight.

Fuck, yeah.

Get on top.
Fuck me.

Yeah, that's right.

Yeah.
Fuck me.

What?
No!

- Join in, Frank.
- No, I'm sleeping.

- Frank?
- Yes?

Would you like a blowjob?

That's very sweet of you,
but I have a girlfriend.

So, no thanks.

- Frank. Come on. Do something.
- What?

- She's fucking horny, come on.
- I want to sleep...

She's done so much for us.

We're in her house, she made
pancakes, do something, damn it.

- Finger her ass.
- Does she like that?

Everybody does.
Come on, stick a finger in her ass.

- Would you like a finger in your ass?
- Do it, for fuck's sake!

Shit...

Gorgeous.

- Are we alone?
- Yeah.

Tour de Pussy! Tour de Pussy!
It's on.

- No more Tour de Butt.
- It was double penetration, man.

A cock in her pussy,
and a finger in her ass.

It's on!

- Hey! Hi, Ronja.
- Good morning.

- Thank you for a great night.
- Uhm...

I think you should pack your bags
and get out.

- Sure, uhm... of course.
- We're going to the festival anyway.

I feel taken advantage of
and... abused.

What?

I felt violated last night,
and I think you misunderstand...

...my hospitality.

- Oh...
- I'd like you to pack up and leave.

Was she grumpy?

I'd say so.

Well, hello!

Shut up! You're nuts. You're nuts!

Really? Cool!
Okay, talk to you later. Bye.

- Someone we know?
- Lars.

We're all set for
the final sprint of Tour de P...

Reefer!
Castello Alley Cat, here we come!

I have a finger that needs washing.

I made you a drawing.

- That's great. Us in the canoe...
- Yeah.

And all the high school students.

High five!

We all have father potential, it's just
a question of how deep it's buried.

- I always said I had it.
- Yes, but it's been buried deep!

But now it's out there. You
cracked open the treasure chest.

- I sure did.
- That's great.

There's just this one thing...

We need to get a handle on Bo.
You said things, he saw things...

- I didn't say things.
- You said things I didn't want said.

- You said stuff, too.
- Sure! We both did!

We just need to make sure
Bo keeps his trap shut.

- I'll talk to him.
- No! That won't cut it.

We need something on him.
I have something on you -

- you have something on me: We both
shut up. We need something on Bo.

- And I know just what to do.
- Where are you going with this?

- Uhm...
- Come on.

- What if he screams?
- Stop it! We're doing this.

- What if it fails?
- We're doing this! Okay?

One second, Frank.

Okay, go.

Damn, it's small.

Take the picture, already.

Let's have a look...

Let me hear you say Alley Cat.
A little louder, please?

- Alley Cat.
- There you go! It's on!

- Okay!
- A few tuxedos, and we're on.

I thought we had a deal that you kept
your sleazy hands of my students.

- Who the hell is that?
- A prick we met.

- Should I step in?
- Ah, I know what he's doing.

- He's man flirting.
- He gropes him?

He mentally outsmarts him. Casper
throws out a compliment and they hug.

Look!
He's brilliant, just brilliant at it.

- Hey, champ.
- I almost got a beating there.

- But I turned it around!
- Man flirting, right?

Grab his wrist, break through
his personal space, a compliment...

Lars, grab the canoe.

Okay!

Oh, my God.
Boys, I give you...

...Castello Alley Cat.

I didn?t know it was that big
Yes god damn it. We want to fuck.

- Welcome.
- Thank you.

- Well...
- Your names, please.

- Hjortsh?j, Lars.
- Follow Barbara, please.

- What would you like?
- Four races starting with Asia.

That takes us to the basement.
Follow me, please.

- Casper Christensen.
- Yes.

- You must wait till she returns.
- Casper? Ole...

- Hi!
- Frank Hvam.

Hvam... hm...

- H-v-a-m.
- H-v-a-m...

Uhm... no!
That's a no.

What's going on?
Is there a problem?

- No, there's no problem.
- Yes, there is. I'm not on the list.

- Frank Hvam?
- No.

Hi, Bent!
Hi.

- Hi, old sport.
- Good to see you.

- Thanks.
- How's it going?

Great!
Uhm, but Frank isn't on the list.

- I'm not on the list, Bent.
- Why not?

He's too ugly!
We only have cool people here.

- Sure, but he's a square guy...
- It's not enough. He doesn't fit in.

- Hey, Rem?e.
- Hi.

- We have a certain standard.
- Is there a problem, Bent?

We have a situation.

You're too ugly.

- What?
- You're too ugly.

- Ugly?
- Yes, you're too ugly for this place.

- Who says that?
- Bent.

- What's that, Bent?
- You're too ugly.

- We have a certain standard.
- You just let in Lars Hjortsh?j!

- He's uglier than me.
- No, he isn't.

I'm sorry.
It's non-negotiable.

- Bent says it's non-negotiable.
- Is this about the book club?

Well... You didn't read the book,
and you refused the schnozzle.

That's right. Not at the time.
But...

...as things have progressed I'm not
adverse to getting the schnozzle now.

Well done, Frank.
Yes!

Ouch!
Oh, no...

Do you have a nose bleed?
Well, now you definitely can't stay.

Seriously, Bent?

- Damn!
- Fuck, Frank! Did you see that?

- Frank, that was...
- Frank! I can't feel my left knee!

Let's go.

I love being a sex tourist
in my own country!

And having the whole world
as your playground! Classy!

I'm so fucked out, I'm dehydrated.

Jesus, man.

- Hi!
- What the hell!

- Hi.
- Good to see you.

- Well, if it isn't the man himself...
- What happened to your nose?

- You're scaring us.
- Hi.

- This is a very special moment.
- This is it.

We're raising the curtain
on this year's reefer.

- Perfect.
- A drum roll, please.

- I'm on it.
- And a fanfare. Medina?

- That's it.
- That's not a damn fanfare! Ol??

It?s not stupid, Medina.

It?s a little bullfighting.
For this one here, it butts.

Nature's own lighter.
The shit's going up in smoke.

Aw, that smells awesome.

- Are you okay?
- Yeah. Just go easy on it.

- It can't be that bad.
- Oh, hell yeah.

- You'll get burnt?
- And throw up.

Damn, Christian...

- What the fuck...
- No, no, no...

- How can he sleep like that?
- Put a pixie hat on him.

- Would you like a little...
- More, more.

- So, your son is around somewhere?
- He's not my son.

He's just a boy I'm looking after.
We're friends.

Sure, he's a close friend.
He's been teased a lot.

Why?

He has a very small willie.
He does!

- I swear. It's like 5 inches.
- No, Frank...

- Like this?
- Yes. Like this.

- It's in your head, Frank.
- A quarter of a Smurf. Teeny-weeny.

What you would see
in a 5-week pregnancy scan.

- Dumbo with a miniscule trunk.
- What are you talking about?

- Bo's willie. We took a picture.
- You took a picture of it?

- Let me see.
- No, no, no!

I don't want to see it.
No! I don't want to see it!

- Medina, check it out!
- How do you send an MMS?

- Fuck! You suck, Frank!
- Bo!

- Easy, Frank.
- Bo!

- That sucks, Frank.
- Bo!

Bo!
I'm so stupid!

- Casper!
- Hey!

- How are you doing?
- Great. This is a great party.

Bo!

Hello? Bo!
Bo!

Bo!
Bo!

Hello?

What are you doing here?

- Huh? Go away.
- Stop that.

No, you stop. This is my shop.
Are you a drunk? A junkie?

- I just fell asleep, that's all.
- Go away... go, go.

Stop that!
Do you have something I can put on?

- Hi.
- Hi.

I need a shower.
And I expect you do, too?

Hi, boys.

Hi! Great!

- When did you get here?
- Hi, Mia.

- It's good to see you.
- You, too.

- Sweetie, hi.
- How's everything?

- Great!
- We had quite a night.

Where's Bo?

- He's playing with some kids.
- You know where he is then?

- He's right here...
- Bo?

I'm just a little confused, 'cause we
just came from visiting Bo in hospital.

He had a drowning accident.

- What?
- What the hell is this?

- We had no idea...
- That is painfully obvious!

- You have no clue at all!
- He disappeared a few hours ago.

I've been chasing around,
but I couldn't find him.

We were all confused after smoking
one of Lars' joints...

You got high when babysitting a little
boy? How mature and responsible!

We never lost him, Iben, never!
We smoked a super strong reefer -

- and then he just ran off. I looked
for him like crazy, but he was gone!

Don't play dumb. I ask you
where he is, and you say he's playing!

- I was hoping!
- You never looked for him. Don't lie!

- Look at me!
- I don't know what you look like.

I look like an idiot who's been
searching for a boy all night!

I was hoping he was playing
with some boys or something.

- Why did he run away?
- I don't know!

I have father potential, honey!
It went great until last night!

- Well, it's not great now!
- I've been searching and searching!

I can't take this!
I have loads of father potential!

- I'm as shocked as you are, but...
- Casper, please don't...

Mia, it's not about blaming...

Shut up!

I want to go to the hospital.
I'll go change.

- Hi, Dad. Hi, Ole.
- Hi.

- How is he?
- He's just fine.

He's tired and a little sad,
but better.

- What happened?
- He sailed out in a canoe.

And then he jumped in the water,
diving for bottle caps.

- Bottle caps?
- Yes, I don't know what that's about.

You're welcome to see him.

Hi, Bo.
Hello, sweetie.

How are you feeling?
Are you feeling better now?

- What did you say?
- I'm a little better.

Why did you run off like that? I was
so worried. Don't ever do that again.

- I hate you.
- Right... well...

We have Bo's rescuer here,
if you'd like to say hello.

- Yes.
- We'd love to.

See you, Bo.
Bye-bye.

- Hello, I'm Mia.
- Ronja.

- You rescued Bo?
- Yes, how is he?

He's much better.
Thank you so much. How did you...

Bo screamed for help,
so I ran down and pulled him up.

Imagine if you hadn't been there.
Frank, shouldn't you say thank you?

- Thank you.
- Thank you.

- How about doing it properly!
- Yes, of course.

Thank you so much.
I'm very grateful.

Thank you. We appreciate it
more than we can say.

- Right, should we go back and...
- Yes, let's...

Funny that we should meet again.

- Well...
- Do you know each other?

- Frank, Casper and Bo capsized...
- Yes, that's right.

- Oh, it's you?!
- Oh, that Ronja!

- I don't understand anything!
- Ronja has a pancake house.

We capsized... got wet
and needed a place to dry our clothes.

- And then we had a pancake.
- Tons of pancakes.

Then Casper fucked me
while Frank stuck a finger in my ass.

Come again?

Casper fucked me
while Frank stuck a finger in my ass.

But... have a great trip
back to Copenhagen.

What happened?

- Did you hurt your nose?
- My head...

- At least I know what to do now.
- About what?

I now know that...

...that I must have an abortion.

I searched and searched,
but he's a fast runner.

- He just shot off, I couldn't...
- Give it a rest, please.

- Please, give it a rest.
- But... 'a rest'?

Don't you understand what I'm saying?

Of course, I do.
It's all shit, shit, shit.

- And you'll probably dump me.
- I won't probably dump you.

I already did.

So...

Yes...

- What the hell are you talking about?
- I'll get him the car.

We just need 288 caps.
There's 50 here. We'll buy the rest.

Frank, if I help you with that, please
tell Iben I didn't fuck that woman.

That it was you. And that all I did
was put my finger in her ass.

Can we swap roles?
Please, do that for me, Frank.

It'll take forever to get back together,
if you don't do me that fucking favour.

- Okay.
- I'll help you with the car.

- Let's go.
- Where?

I just told you! We have to get 288
Underberg caps, so Bo can get the car.

Slow down. Easy, Frank.

I fucked Ronja good and hard, and
Casper just stuck a finger in her ass.

- And I didn't want to.
- No! Absolutely not.

Aw, poor baby.
It was because of disgusting Frank.

- It was Frank. It's the worst...
- Disgusting Frank made you do it.

I can't tell you how gross it was.
I was so afraid. I didn't understand it.

He's clean, Iben.
Casper?

Awesome.

We're getting that car.
You've earned it.

Let's go.

I'm so sorry about
the picture and Medina and...

When grown-ups are horny, they do
horrible things to those they love.

What now?

Shoes!

Casper, come on!

- Now?
- Yes!

- Bye-bye.
- We'll take a cab.

Are we in hicksville or what?

Okay, then we'll have to hitchhike.

- We can hitchhike...
- God damn it, I'll handle this.

- Hey, need a ride?
- Sure!

- We'll take the next one.
- We won't get a second chance.

- Get in.
- Good to see you.

- Where are you heading?
- To a factory just outside town.

Here's the address.

- Great.
- Casper. May I see you up here?

Casper, I'd like
to talk about last night.

Okay, pit stop!

- Do you sell Underberg?
- Yes, how many?

The whole lot.
Here you go.

Grab some, Casper.
Underberg time. Bottoms up!

Hey, you sit with me.

There!
Underberg! Underberg!

- We don't have any cars.
- The demand was so big we ran out.

- And I can tell that you really want it.
- What about that one?

Uhm, yes... and I'd love to give it
to you, but it's our exhibition model.

Listen, ladies. We've been
on a bone-breaking trip -

- and your folder says that 288 caps
get us an Underberg car.

So, you can see why we find it odd,
that we bring 288 caps but get no car.

- Even though there's one right there.
- I hear you, but I can't help you.

Listen, cunt. Give him the car,
or I'll jam an umbrella up your ass!

Is that clear?

Call Poulsen.
Poulsen will be right down.

Fine. Thank you.
Handle him, please.

- What?
- Handle him, please.

- Handle him?
- You know, man flirt with him.

- I can't.
- But, you did it on the whole trip.

Yes, and it has given setback

- What do you mean?
- I was raped, for fuck's sake.

Don't play dumb. You saw it.
I was raped at the festival, Frank.

- You made love to a man...
- No fucking way, Frank.

- Hello.
- Poulsen is here.

What can I do for you?

- You're a... handsome man.
- Thank you, but...

You have pretty eyes.

- I'd like the Underberg car.
- Yes, I'm sorry, Mr...?

- Frank.
- I'm sorry, but we can't help you.

- I want that car.
- You have a gorgeous, grey suit.

Thank you, but that won't...

Let's work out something
with the car.

Hey.
I must ask you to... leave.

- I want the car!
- Let go, or I'll have to...

Call security ASAP.
Let go!

Leave,
or I'll call security.

Here they come!

This just isn't right!
You know?

We didn't come all this way
to return without the car.

- Give me the gun you had before.
- Frank, no!

Yes, that's the one!
Let go of me!

- Frank, damn it!
- Stop, Frank.

Give me the car!
Give it to me!

Yes!

- You should've done that before!
- I'm sorry, I'm sorry!

- I've got it!
- Go!

Bo!

- Jesus, kid, come on!
- He's peeing standing up!

He's peeing standing up!
Good job, Bo! Take your time.

- Behind you, Frank!
- Hey, stay there!

- Easy now, easy.
- Bo! Finish peeing, take your time.

Don't stress him! We're leaving with
the car, and that'll be the end of it.

- We're leaving, Frank!
- Bo, the car!

- Put down the gun.
- Get on the bus.

Come on, Frank.
Casper, go!

The bus leaves,
and then I'll put down the gun...

We have a man here
who threatened us with a gun.

Yeah, we've got him.

- Hi, Frank, your lawyer's here.
- Hi.

In here.

- Hi.
- Hi, Frank. Have a seat.

Right. So, Frank.
They gave you 6 months.

And I think you should count your
blessings. There's no need to appeal.

I've bent over backwards to help you
get as lenient a sentence as possible.

I brought someone to see you.
I'm sure you can guess who.

Pykker?

Don't touch anything.

Hi!

How are you doing?

I'm alright.

One day at a time.

Will you be okay?

Yes, I've started on a coat rack.

- A what?
- I'm making a rack in the wood shop.

Frank, I talked to Bo.

I think I understand
what you were trying to do.

But... guns and a bus
with drunken teenagers -

- are not the optimal conditions
for a child.

Right?

You should probably
pull yourself together a little.

For when the baby arrives.

Are you still pregnant?

What does that mean?

It means that
you're going to be a father.

Can you manage?

- Hi, Frank!
- Hey!

- What the he... congratulation.
- Thanks

Big man!

- Whoa! Damn!
- Hello, hello.

- Hug time! It's been forever!
- It's great to see you.

- I've missed you guys.
- And we've missed you.

- I didn't get many visitors.
- You were in jail, Frank!

- What did you expect?
- It was an open jail...

- Iben and I are doing great.
- So, you're back on track?

Love, honesty, the whole shebang.
What was your name again?

- Ah, still Andrea!
- I have a little present for you.

- A welcome home pressie.
- No! No!

You can't flaunt it like that.
You're back, man!

I want to propose a toast
for our big boy, Bo.

Cheers!
Congratulations on your confirmation.

You look so handsome, Bo.

Mia, I had a quick look
at Pykker's eye today.

- It's much better.
- That's wonderful.

I need to restock
on the meatballs.

- Frank, may I leave this here?
- Yes.

Just ignore it.

Iben has the friend finder application.
She's tracking me.

- Hi.
- Hi.

- Great party.
- Yes.

- Shall we go camping next year?
- Yes, it was a great trip.

It sure was.

- Actually, the best trip ever.
- For me, too.

- And I saw so many things!
- Yes, a little too many things, maybe.

Damn! What on Earth?
What happened to your willie?

- It got bigger.
- It sure did!

- Well-well. Congratulations.
- Thank you.

Thank you all for coming -

- and thank you
for all the great presents.

And for all the money.

I'd like to show some photos from my
camping trip with Frank and Casper.

That's from the festival.

Wow.

The guy from...

Did you go swimming?

That was it, I think.

We took more pictures,
like one of me and Medina -

- but Casper took them
with his camera.

- Bo! I have his phone.
- Cool, let's plug it in. Right there.

There!

- Wow.
- Yes!

Champagne for everyone!

What the hell?

THE END
Subtitles by: Tina Goldberg
Dansk Video Tekst