Kleines Arschloch (1997) - full transcript
1st month
3rd month
5th month
7th month
9th month
Enjoy your meal.
Now push!
Push!
Good. Like that.
Yes. Just keep on pushing nicely!
We'll be done in no time.
Oh, and we're done!
Congratulations!
But what is it, doctor, sir?
What is it?
It's an asshole.
Barely twelve years later...
I am the devil, baby,
I want to burn you, baby,
It's boiling hot here, baby,
so do not dress too warmly, baby.
The thing that would suit you the
best right now is a tiny sin.
Little Asshole
Sin! We want to sin,
denounce the heavens and
then sin some more,
and for our wrongdoings
to burn here forever.
Sin! We want to sin,
denounce the heavens and
then sin some more,
I'm one little asshole, baby,
one tiny devil, baby,
you're my latest roast chick, baby,
so do not dress too warmly, baby.
The thing that would suit you the
best right now is a tiny sin.
Sin! We want to sin,
denounce the heavens and
then sin some more,
Sin! We want to sin,
denounce the heavens and
then sin some more,
Sin! We want to sin,
denounce the heavens and
then sin some more,
So? What is it?
No fireworks?
Tell me... A-a-a-r-re you normal?
To do, on the World Day of C-c-catholic
Youth, a modern verion of F-f-faust?
Told ya' we'd perform front o'
bunch o'hardcore satanists!
Christians... Satanists...
one gets them mixed up.
- "Mixed up" my ass!
Ah... and there's a difference?
Y-y-you got us into trouble
with your e-e-eyes wide open!
I admit it, boys.
I took this risk...
because I wanted to break boundaries!
Exhort understanding for atheism.
Unite. Reconcile.
And in turn, they molest us!
But I'm used to being trampled.
Us too!
- Us too!
Dear diary.
My band's display at the Catholic
Youth Gathering did not go as I hoped.
These are hard times.
Misery and poverty rule in
many countries of the world.
Wars are being waged. Contagious
diseases threaten our humanity.
And if I mess up my biology class
assignment, I'll get a G and flunk out.
But I won't give up!
I'll continue my war for a better world
until all of humanity starts to
sing and hug each other.
But, listen... what's going on here?
I must do a routine check,
my dear diary.
Enjoy your meal!
- Yeah, yeah, yeah!
No!
- Oh, shit!
W-what are you doing here?
I was worried, mother.
I heard some strange noises.
Sounded like sick animals are vomiting.
We aren't animals!
- Dad and I were just about to...
make the bed... and...
A-ha. But, mother I know
what the deal is here.
Don't be shy.
I'm built like that.
I'm the fruit of your womb.
Ah...
Yeah, yeah. Father thrusted his penis
into your vulva, I mean, pussy.
You can do it from the back too; a tergo
as you just impressively demonstrated.
Although the Catholic Church doesn't
take kindly to it. Oh, man!
At the peak of his sexual efforts,
he put his seed, a slimey fluid
from the mucuous system,
tasting like a low-calory
salad, into you.
His sperm, those agile and jolly lads,
then found their way to the uterus,
where one of them,
the most keen one,
merged with a female egg.
And in there, swimming in the amniotic
fluid and feeding on the placenta,
the embrio grows; faceless and small at
first, it unrelentlessly grows in scale,
and barely nine months after what
may have been a spontaneous act of lust,
a new human is born.
That's how I came to be.
Your son. The miracle of life.
Do go on. The female salivary flora
supposedly peaks in these hours.
Huh?
- What?
Eh.. should we continue?
I don't know.
Tell me... are you on pills
at the moment? - No.
Well... let's rather not then.
Where, the hell are my red...?
- Enjoy your meal!
You old pig!
Can't you knock?
Why are you covering up your nudity?
You're my sister. I don't yearn for you.
That would be the last thing I need!
Now what is it you want?!
I'm bringing you your share.
Here.
Share? What share?
Five tomes of "Tex, the brave horseman"
comics, in mint condition.
"Tex, the brave horseman"?
- Exactly.
Keeper of the law in the lawless ages!
A guy with a big hat... I mean...
A guy with a small hat, but a big heart.
Horizontally oriented.
What am I to do with this crap?
Oh, now now.
No need to thank me.
I traded them for your red panties.
With my friend Kalle Klammroth.
- You... what?!
You traded my panties for five tomes
of "The Brave Horseman"?
Ten in total!
Five for you, five for me.
Are you nuts? Those were 'Malizia'
panties, they cost me fourty bucks!
Don't gloom over the trade value now.
They'll be worth a fortune
in 20 or 30 years!
Oh, is that right? And what's that
little bastard doing with my panties?
Well, he'll jack off into them.
He loves you. - What?!
You're saying the pimpled idiot sits in
his room, onanating in my best panties?
In the laundry room. Kalle always
onanates in the laundry room.
I don't get it. I just don't get it.
I know. I know how you feel right now.
You feel humiliated, your female honor
being hurt, right?
I understand your pain.
But, I have avenged you!
Well isn't that comforting.
And how is that?
I first peed into them.
And Kalle believed that it was you,
so he gave me two extra comics.
"The intellectual level of
my family compared to my own
is the same as that of a sea sponge
compared to Albert Einsten, dear diary.
They're like animals.
Shameless and full of lust.
You wouldn't believe what I
just caught my parents doing.
My sister isn't any better either.
She shamelessly stretched, in all her
flawless nudity, in front of me.
The light softly refracted on her
perky nipples,
as the pubes on the mound of Venus
tucked between her firm thighs glittered
like a river of liquid silk.
I sometimes feel like a modern R. Crusoe
on an island full of nude savages.
Like a space farer stuck
on the planet of the apes.
There are three things that grant
me the strength to survive this:
the love for music,
the effort for a better world
and Inge Koschmidder.
Yes, dear diary.
I am in love.
In love with an older woman.
It may sound shocking, but...
I must finish, dear diary.
Grandpa needs shaking up.
Excluding me, no one takes
care of the old sack.
I'm not being pushed into taking a walk!
Did you hear the news today?
They found a cure for your cancer type.
What? What?
Heals you in a jiffy, tastes like oral,
kicks in like coke and costs one buck!
And the side-effects?
- It makes you rich and famous.
You've got a mouth on ya, don't you?
Just trying to be nice.
You won't last long anyway.
I'm not in the cemetery yet!
That can change.
Hey? What's all this fuss now?
Where are you taking me?!
Through a shortcut.
I'm not going to the cemetery!
I can't believe it.
Sooner or later we all have to go here.
You sooner, me later.
Cemeteries make me nervous.
Everything comes and passes.
Does it? Does it mean that I don't
pass fast enough for you?
I should try and lie down here, right?
Wait! Stop!
Ow, ow, ow!
Oh, man! Would you look...
at all those maggots and larva!
Scavengers of the earth!
What would happen, I wonder...
- Nice.
if I were to throw this apple inside?
Hey! What's going on there?
Some sort of a burial.
Let's get the hell out of here!
Wait a second. Aren't those
the M?llerdongs... from next door?
Why of course. They're burying
Hubert today, that old fart!
Grandpa! Hubert used to be
your best friend.
Don't speak ill of the dead.
How so? Do you have to earn your
right to croak these days?
Everyone can. Even Hubert!
- The entire M?llerdong family is here.
Nothing surprising.
There's heritage to be had!
My dear, grief-stricken community.
We have gathered here...
- To make sure he's six feet under!
to escort a man, to whom Christian love
for the next of kin was not only known
but practiced by.
- Damn right! Fucked my wife!
My best friend!
- Grandpa...
Well, it's true!
Back when I did the night shifts.
Dirty old pig!
It may be that the deceased
is not without sin,
but who will be the first to cast
the stone, in his final moments?
Me! Me! Get me a stone! I'll do it!
Please now. We're all Christians!
I'm not! I'm out of the Church!
It's been an eternity now!
Come on... let's go!
I'm not paying to spend
an eternity with guys like that!
I wanna go to hell!
Long live Satan! Abraxas!
I must ask you to leave The Lord's
ground now! And never to see you again!
Are you happy now?
Of course. That's exactly how an
atheist imagines immortality.
Barred from entering the cemetery!
"Truth be told, grandpa
packs a strong foul breath...
but otherwise he's, actually,
completely alright.
It's almost a shame that
he has to die soon.
I'll miss him in a way.
But then again, I'll be
getting his big room.
But, where was I?
Ah, yes. Love.
Yes, dear diary. I'm in love.
I had no idea that such a soul state
shuts down logical actions so much.
So much that right now I'm wearing
my dad's C. Klein boxers as a headdress.
I just felt like doing it.
Shit! God damn shit!
"In a way..."
- God damn shit crappy pigs!
Cursed ass!
Shit crappy pigs!
Shit! Where are my pants, you asshole?
- you become immune to bad influences.
A rain forest is dying out in Brasil.
I probably won't finish this grade,
and father is raging across our
house like a battlefield."
Hey! Hey! Hey! Open up!
Where are my pants? Open up!
"But my mind is set on one thing alone."
- I'm gonna...
I'm gonna go insane!
- "On love."
"Love." -Open the doors!
- "Love.
The object of my desire is
...Inge Koschmidder.
Inge is 76 years old,
and a little worn out already.
But, screw the sexual taboos!
Now and then you have to
break the boundaries.
The day before yesterday I
went to Inga to tell her of my love.
It was probably the nerves.
Women tend to hesitate more
than men at those things.
Their heart says "yes"...
but the feminist side of
their brain says "no".
Half an hour later
I rang by at Inga's again.
She had enough time to come
clean with her own emotions.
What a broad!
She was sending me a signal
that way: "Take me! Conquer me!"
And it shall be so.
The offensive starts today.
The attack on Inga's heart.
And the way to a woman's heart leads,
of course, through the... ears."
Do not cry if it's raining,
dam-dam, dam-dam.
There is someone standing there,
dam-dam, dam-dam.
Marble, steel and stone break
but our love, never, nay.
All, all comes to pass,
but we are faithful to ourselves.
If I can't be with you some day,
dam-dam, dam-dam,
remember that you're not alone,
dam-dam, dam-dam.
Marble, steel and stone break
but our love, never, nay.
All, all comes to pass,
but we are faithful to ourselves.
Take this golden ring from me,
dam-dam, dam-dam.
cost a fucking fortune, I'm telling you,
dam-dam, dam-dam.
"And then, sadly, the bloody cops
came up and stopped the show.
They'd love to pin something on me,
but had to let me go for being under 18.
What a day!
But, the social revolutionary
knows not of rest.
I added to my effort's program, among
other things, animal preservation.
Now I just have to take
Peppi out for a walk.
He must be impatiently waiting
for my arrival, flapping his tail.
Atta boy."
Howdy!
Yeah, yeah.
Enjoy the meal, miss M?venpick!
May I take Peppi for a walk?
- Oh, go ahead.
The old lazy geezer could
do a little bit of running.
Isn't someone getting happy here!
Peppi!
Peppito, where are you?
A-ha! There's the little goof.
But, doin't spoil him too much.
Don't you worry about it,
miss M?venpick.
Do you know what I dreamt
of last night, Peppi?
I dreamt about having a dog.
A real dog, you know. Not some
borrowed dog without papers, like you.
It was a real dog with a pedigre.
You were in it as well.
My dog devoured you.
A strange dream, isn't it?
See this stick?
A nice stick, huh?
It's actually just an ordinary,
stupid, dry shitty little stick.
But, if I throw it, your animal
instincts will force you to chase it,
gasping at it like you would at
a horny dalmatian bitch!
Fetch the stick!
The oldest dog joke in the world!
Works every time.
That's your flaw. You're too stupid.
That's the reason you fetch us
newspapers too.
A cat would never do that.
Not even a hamster.
Ooh! Look, Peppi.
Your rival's pile.
And, what is it? Call of the wild!
Won't you at least sniff it?
...I guess I gotta wake up
the wolf inside you!
First you have to smell the lead.
It is very important. Like this!
Now you have to place your pile
next to it.
It's called marking the territory.
Peppi, Peppi...
I am honestly concerned
for your natural instincts.
Just look at it, Peppi.
Your sworn enemies!
And they come in threes.
Just look at those sadistical things
torturing that tiny, helpless mouse.
This is your chance for greatness!
Those bastards! But they set up shop
without Superpeppi!
Peppi, Peppi, Peppi...
Do you know what your problem is, Peppi?
You leave your guard too open.
My god, Peppi!
What happened to you?
That's due to his poor reflexes,
miss M?venpick.
Do you know what I think?
- No. What?
I think your dog watches
too much television.
Ah, there it is lying down!
So, listen up people...
- No! Y-y-you listen up!
One more r-r-ruined performance
and you'll t-t-tour alone!
Exactly! Reciting Salman Rushdie at an
Islamist Fundamentalist meet is crazy!
Damn right it is! I've been given
50 strokes to my bare feet!
I get it, boys. You're displeased.
You yearn for the applause
from the thrilled masses.
I know what you want.
You want fireworks!
F-f-fireworks?!
To d-d-die for!
I want t-t-to not get k-k-kicked
after a performance f-f-for once!
D-d-d-do I ask too m-m-much?
Fear not, boys.
I got it under control this time around.
I swear.
If I c-c-could only see t-t-that!
Are you at least sure that you
picked the right music this time?
Trust in me, boys!
They'll weave chaplets for us!
Beg us for a reprise on their knees!
Sss-s-s-s....
- Swear!
Swear!
- Yeah! Swear!
I swear!
Howdy!
Aren't we all somewhere
like trucks in the night?
On the reoad to nowhere
packing suspicious cargo.
Isn't the highway under us
as a beautiful woman?
So curvy and giving,
as a bare body.
Is life and existence not
just like a country song?
Once out, once inside,
and hard as hardened concrete.
For trucks roar there,
where the country plays,
fools sit in here,
for stupidity loves beer.
I shit on Hank Williams,
I shit on Johnny Cash,
I shit on Dolly Parton,
country makes me sick!
This is an anti-country poem,
an anti-country song.
Everyone who loves some country
has a tiny dong.
"COUNTRY BUNKER"
"I must have a guardian angel,
dear diary.
Otherwise I wouldn't be
the only one unharmed,
while the boys had to
endure this or that fist.
But, maybe that will grant strength
for their later journeys through life.
'He who brushes well in his youth, needs
not comb in his old age', goes a saying.
Half past one.
About time to have a couple of
final sexual experiments.
I might get my first
semen spillage this time.
It would kind of be the time for that.
Kalle Klammroth
already had 24!
At least he says so."
Can you hear that?
The silence? Yees!
It can be heard.
Felt, smelled, tasted!
Aaah! That cosmic silence.
Silence in the forest.
No good-for-nothing objections!
No bad jokes!
Nothing can be heard.
See, before breakfast, I struck
a deal with my favourite son.
Is that right, son?! If he opens
his trap at this table even once,
he'll get slapped so hard
his glasses will fly off!
Good old beating.
Proven authoritary method of raising.
Aaaah, the silence.
Makes a man mistake the simplest
banana m?sli for a luncheon!
Enjoy the meal!
- You too!
What?!
W-w-what's that?
I am the voice of the opressed!
I am the scream of the gulag.
The tenor in a quire of captives.
I see you more as good reason
for a big round of whooping!
Wait a minute! There is no mention
of ventriloquism in our contract.
Do you really want to place your
pedagogical authenticity on stake?
There are witnesses! Mhm!
I'll get it.
Tyah, dad.
You got out clean.
Yeah? Hello?
No, this is not a helpline.
You were wrongly rerouted.
But, tell me...
does something ail you?
Oh, shit.
That, of course, sucks.
Yeah. Really.
Your situation seems
quite hopeless.
Sure, sure! I understand completely. You
must see yourself as shit right now.
And rightfully so.
No, no. I wouldn't place any
hope for this matter.
Suicide?!
That would, naturally,
be one way of handling it!
But, please, don't thank me.
I was glad to be of help. Til next time!
Or better so - adieu.
Who was that?
It's all good! It was taken care of.
"Dear diary.
Something terrible happened.
During my morning routine check, when
I passed by Inge Koschmidder's place,
I saw her... talking to
some unknown man.
They lowered their voices
as I walked past them.
That whore!
Cheating on me
in front of my own eyes.
Never have I been that
humiliated in my life before.
The pain is indescribable.
I don't think I'll ever experience
something like love in my life.
All emotion has left me.
I almost wanted to march into
some small, helpless country
and establish a reign of terror there!
But... one doesn't do that.
Still, I will retaliate.
Not by their primitive means...
No. Subtler, with more style.
But, enough of that.
New assignments await.
Instead of Kalle Klammroth,
who is unfortunately disease stricken,
I bring warm meals to invalids."
Enjoy your meal! The young samaritarians
sent me. I brought food.
Lovely.
You're standing in for Kalle?
Place it then, please,
at the table. Alright?
Will you read me newspapers...
while I'm eating?
That's what Kalle always did.
Tell me. Are you really blind, or do you
just want to be catered all the time?
Now listen to me...
of course I'm blind!
That's easy to check.
You're either really blind,
or you don't have any sense of humour.
I. Am. Blind!
- Really? Oh, shit. I'm sorry.
You poor, poor blind man.
I don't need your sympathy!
- Oh, I understand your bitterness.
Let me at least be your eyes
to the world for today.
I'll read a bit.
Whooah! Is she hot!
- What?!
Cute gal, right here
on page two. Check it out!
Oh, excuse me.
I'm so insensitive.
But, here are her measures for you.
98-64-92.
And? Is something moving?
- Mhm?
Blind (false) alarm, so to speak.
You're not easy to please at all.
There... and now I must leave.
You know, you're not the only
invalid that I must make rounds to.
I'm out. Byee!
And I'm already gone.
Boo-!
See, I didn't leave yet.
But now I really must.
Don't let your meal get cold.
It's a fresh mole!
You shitty little bastard!
- Missed me.
"I always took the blind as
optimistical and modern in spirit.
Like Stevie Wonder.
But I was wrong.
But, that's no reason for a person
to get bitter all of a sudden.
Doesn't everyone have
a cross to bear?
Take me, for example.
My biologoy assingment's
deadline draws near.
But still, I don't grieve.
Quite the contrary.
I'll have you know that my
paper is progressing great!
Fuck -> lick -> suck
Not only will my teachers be amazed
and I'll pass the grade
but it will rattle the entire
field of biological of experts!
The theme is human sexuality.
I owe many experiments
to my grandpa,
for piquing my interest, early on,
for this young field of exploration.
For example, I will always
remember fondly the episode
when we tried putting gramps
into a nursing home.
I'n not going to a nursery home!
It's not a nursing home, grandpa,
but an elrderly trust fund.
The only elrderly thrust fun I know
is down between my legs. - Psst!
Get it together, father.
We must leave a good impression.
These guys are picky.
Ah! Our new guest.
Welcome to the "Saint Ann" trust fund.
Good day!
- Enjoy your meal!
Just a few small formalities left.
Which drugs have you been prescribed?
- Morphine!
But, all you have to do
is get ti for me.
I can shoot it myself.
- Uh-huh?
And I don't shit in the bed and all.
Easy to nurse.
I just ocassionally drop out of my
wheelchair and vomit on the carpet.
But, I don't even notice it,
because of the morphine! - Mmm.
Just leave me laying there. Once
the vomit dries up, it can be vacuumed.
Do you have a... hobby?
- Why, of course!
Compulsive masturbation.
What, now?
I mean my old thrust fun.
I grab it with my hands and...
Gramps!
- What's your religion then?
The Church of the Holy Vagina.
- Holy what?!
Vagina!
- Psst! - V-a-g...
Fine, fine!
I know how to spell it.
What kind of a religion is that?
We believe in the imperfect conception.
We think that God is a female,
and with big, fat...
- Gramps!
We even have our burial ceremony!
We trust that the genitals live on.
We bury just the rest of the body.
I'm sorry, but I just saw here that
we're currently fully booked.
Sister Ursula! Would you please
escort the gentlemen to the exit.
Of course.
Please, follow me. This way.
Hell and thunder! A sex goddess!
You're no nurse at all!
You're the goddess of lust!
Hey, hey!
You're the Holy Vagina!
Halt!
- Please...
I don't wanna leave! I want to go
to a nursery home! Please, please!
Oh, shut up already!
"After that, we decided to nurture him
ourselves until he dies. It's cheaper.
And father and mother can steal some
of the drugs that his doctor prescribes.
But, now I must finish.
The radio station is having
an open doors day.
A media event that
I just can't miss."
RADIO-STATION
TODAY: Open doors day
INFO STAND
Enjoy your meal!
ON AIR
Hello, hello!
Hello, hello.
Hello, hello, hello, hello!
Listen now to a few
rather odd noises.
And now, for the news.
The entire area of the
Federal Republic of Germany:
Please, pay attention to the fat white
particles afloat in the air.
They have escaped a genetics lab
in Porto and are highly dangerous.
On skin contact it gets women pregnant,
and turns men gay.
Bonn: Housewives without an emplyoment
are to, with unemployed unshaven men
with foul breaths, for the
fullfilment of bodily needs,
offer theirselves for free of charge.
The government is convinced that it'll
induce a natality and economical boom.
Please stand in line out of the nearest
supermarket or leave your doors open.
Important announcement
from the traffic service!
Mister *** from *** on the way
in his WV Golf with license plates ***
go home immediately!
Your house is on fire.
And now for completely special
news for Inge Koschmidder!
Yes, Inge, I mean you!
You slut!
You fucked the mailman!
Yes, let the whole world know!
Inge Koschmidder fucks mailmen!
You skank!
And I used to love you.
There's the brat!
I don't wanna see you
back here ever again!
"Oh, well... I think this will be
a good lesson for Inge.
Who plays with my heart,
also plays with fire.
She must learn that
I too have feelings.
Older people, sadly,
lean into a lack of sensibility.
Chores, chores, chorse!
Grandpa needs some time out again.
Some oxygen, a few polite words...
That'll keep him from dying.
Actually old age has a vast number of
advantages... once you think about it.
You don't say! And who's that?
- Well, now, erm...
You can, for example, show around
your disabled card.
Exactly! I can't swim anymore and
that's why I get pool time for free.
I can't see or hear anymore,
so I get free theater tickets.
The hell I can!
What would you say a disabled card
should get you?
It should get me free entry
into a bordel!
Can you even talk about
anything else besides sex?
How so?
Does something else exist?
Oh well. I understand.
Is there anything in your rich vault
of sexual experience,
to share with a young man like me?
- Yeees!
Never onanate more than
twelve times a day!
At least not over a long
period of time.
Why is that? - Well what do you think
got me into these wheelchair?!
You're a dirty old man!
You know that? - I do!
No matter how much I get washed,
I still feel dirty after it.
I think it's unnatural.
- How so?
If God wanted you to have a boner
at your age, he'd give it wings!
You know... you're somehow alright.
You remind me of what I was
back when I was your age.
A short-sighted little boy?
No. A short-sighted little asshole!
Now what kind of urbanist
ugly frontage is this?
It's the new hospital.
- It's very well made!
I'm just having a... stroke!
"Maybe now I'll get to have
grandpa's room soon.
He survived the stroke, but doctors say
chances are high to have another one.
In all that excitement,
I almost forgot about poor Inge.
Love heals all wounds,
my dear diary.
I'll send word that the path
to my heart is open once again."
Halo?
Halo?
I am young, you are old,
I'm still warm
you'll soon be cold.
You feel faint,
and I feel strong,
I'm the nail, and you're the tomb.
While I firmly tread through life,
an urn awaits you now.
As you fry on the other side,
I feel like given a new life.
But, I do not care for that,
to me you're like a magic rat.
You're so beautiful, so classy,
like a closed down garage.
I'm the crome and you're the rust,
I'm the manure and you're compost.
While I firmly tread through life,
an urn awaits you now.
And just as we come together
you're getting buried for forever.
But, I do not care for that,
to me you're like a magic rat.
I take a piss on your cholesterol,
I need you like... heroin.
You lack the strength,
I have the balls,
I am the wind,
you are dead fall.
You are about to rot,
and I'm a gentle bud,
I'll have your money,
much to my delight.
Nothing will sway this love alliance
not the gout, or Alzeheimer's!
Hello, hello? Inge?
Women...
And that's what I did.
Eyes blindfolded, on one foot,
piggybacking a shark, laughing
straight into the face of danger!
I've come for Peppi, miss M?venpick!
Peppi! I know you're there.
Aaah... there's the little goof.
Oh come now, Peppi.
Let the children in.
Peppi...
Peppi, you're slowly making me anry.
My patience is nearing
it's limit, Peppito.
But, Peppi...
You missed!
Now I'm really angry, Peppi.
I'm afraid I have to punish you now.
But, Peppi... You don't even
know how to handle that.
Stop it! Peppi, stop it!
There's a brand new anti-germ product
that I must try on you,
my four-legged friend.
But, Peppi, you're not
supposed to do that.
Smoking is unhealthy.
Peppi, Peppi, Peppi...
Did you know that dogs are
a delicatesse in China Peppi?
I already came up with a recipe:
"Peppi bolognese".
You simply get a dog.
One such as yourself, Peppi.
Add to it garlick,
tomatoes, fresh origano.
First roast it well on strong flame,
and add the red onions afterwards.
Some reverse it, but I prefer
the onion glassy rather than crunchy.
Then I add a little...
Enjoy the meal, miss M?venpick!
I was just coming to see
how Peppi is doing.
Would he mind a walk again?
Oh, he wouldn't. I'm sure
he could use the fresh air.
You know... I'm a bit concerned
for Peppi. - How so?
Well... ever since you walked him
the other day, he became really weird.
Speaking of, where is he?
Ah! There he is.
You know, Peppi...
I've been thinking about us.
There's some uncalled for tension.
So I brought you something
Yum, yum, yum.
A tastey sausage.
What you don't know, my dear Peppi, is
that it contains a heavy shot of LSD-25.
A very potent hallucinogen.
It allegedly helps seeing things clearer
and amplifies hearing fascinatingly.
They say that body movement helps
it get through blood to the brain faster
where it develops its full effect.
This is just the right moment to test
your reflexes under extreme conditions.
Remain completely relaxed, Peppi.
Simply be what you are.
- Five...
Four...
Three...
Two...
One...
Zero.
Peppi...
Peppi, did you come to?
Peppi, Peppi, Peppi...
Note:
"No noteworthy breakthroughs
in the field of reflexes
by digesting
lysergic acid diethylamide ."
What is there to learn from this, Peppi?
Keep your hands off the heavy stuff!
No good can come of it.
My god! Peppi!
Reflexes, miss M?venpick.
An old problem of his.
And not only that, miss M?venpick.
Not only that.
I'm under a terrible doubt...
- Oh, good gracious! What is it?
I'm afraid your dog's on drugs!
"Dear diary,
surely you wonder why I'm wearing
my father's blank underwar on my head.
Why, I am grieving.
Yes, grieving for Inge Koschmidder...
for she is no longer with us.
When I returned from walking Peppi,
a coroner's car was parked in front.
The fearsome Reaper took away our Inge.
I was mad to give my heart away
to such an unreliable person!
First the mailman, and now she
backs out in this cowardly fashion!
I'm very disappointed with Inge.
But life goes on. Doesn't it?
Dogs bark, but the carousel moves on!
I will work myself into forgetting."
Boys, have some trust!
Surely, the past is ridden with
tears and pain.
But is that not the destiny of
all the unfaultering rock bands?
Think of Jim Morrison!
Sid Vicious!
Jim M-m-morrison is
dead, you a-a-asshole!
And Sid Vicious too!
Sid Vicious is dead?!
But I bought his record the other day!
This performace will be a blast. Our
triumphant crusade to a better world!
A world full of sex, drugs
and willing groupies.
I can feel it.
What am I saying... I know it!
Should I swear?
- Rather not! Don't!
Mmm, tasty vegetable!
Thank you very much for that!
Mmm, tasty vegetable!
Thank you very much for that!
It's already a tick past eleven!
It's already a tick past eleven!
Thank you very much for that!
Thank you very much for that!
It's already a tick past eleven!
It's already a tick past eleven!
Cheers! Cheers! Cheers
And? How is it?
Do you have something against
multicultural influences? Huh?
"It's borderline miracle... that we
even got out of it alive, dear diary.
I escaped through a hole in the stage,
while the boys got
quite a roughing.
Kalle Klammroth had it especially bad.
But, we all have to
make sacrifices, no?
And am I not affected the most?
After all, I have to go to bed
without having dinner
for using father's "Kenzo" pants
to make a protective phone mask...
to surprise Inge with.
I'm ending this night with the latest in
scientific experiments on my lower body.
Dear diary! You wouldn't
believe what just happened!"
What a day!
I'm totally excited.
First the biology test,
then the school party tonight...
Feeling nervous, my son?
Don't worry, mother!
I'm as calm as a buddhist bear
during hiberantion.
I don't doubt that.
I only fear that your biology paper
isn't very well made.
You are unjust to me, father!
As you often are. But, I forgive you.
What I'm holding in my hands
is not just some homework.
After they publish this, biology
will need a complete redefining!
This is likely the first biology paper
ever to win a Nobel prize.
That's really reassuring.
Can I start?
- Yeah, go ahead.
Lights off, please!
We'll start with the
reproductive organs.
The human fascination with genitals
is continuous and inexplicable.
No other body part gets
nearly as much attention.
An elbow, for example,
can be perfectly beautiful,
but it will never create an 'O-ho!'
that a penis or a vagina can.
Although they, objectively, look like
radioactive veggies from outer space.
Obviously the secret of their looks
will remain for eternity:
how come genitals aren't shaped like
something that is appealing to the eye,
for example, the shape of cyclamen
or a mouth-blown resin vase.
The male organ is like a
Mercedes among the genitals.
In the state of excitement,
a fully evolved male organ
reaches the length of sixty centimeters
and weights around three kilos.
It can ejaculate exactly 950 times.
Matching about half of this bucket.
The male semen consists
of brain cells,
which travel to the crotch via the
hippotalamus and the spinal cord.
With each ejaculation the man loses
around five billion brain cells,
double the amount of full narcosis.
Very important for the production
of semen is potency.
As a rule: a man can squirt as many
times per day as he is old.
If your values are below that treshold,
you should be worried.
You probably have ball cancer.
The female organ,
called clitoris or the lovebud,
is barely worth mentioning
compared to the male organ.
It's tiny and backwards by nature,
loves to hide under the two skin pieces
the labia,
which often come surrounded
by a magnificent beard.
Men prefer mighty, large labia.
Also, most of women's labia can be
determined without seeing them naked.
Simply multiply the length of her
ear lobe with the width of her upper lip
and you'll get the labia's surface
in square centimeters.
"My effort of bringing some humour
into the dry school texts
was sadly not rewared with
high marks, dear diary.
But, I share this destiny
with other great historical figures:
Giordan Bruno, Galileo Galilei,
Erich Honecker...
my spiritual brethren.
Time will set us right.
Grandpa is still i hospital.
I'l pay him a visit and give him
comfort and trust.
I'll also use the chance to see Kalle.
He's not doing as bad as we thought.
Doctors say that he'll be able to pee
without a catheter in mere months."
Enjoy the meal!
Shit.
You have nice flower paintings in here.
Were they made with mouth?
Uh-huh.
Hello!
Hey, Kalle!
So... So how's it going...
my old pal?
Ah, yes.
Very interesting.
Bloody nazis!
You two seem to be having fun.
I won't bother you any longer.
And don't babble that much.
Next, please!
Come in!
Are you a doctor?
- Why wouldn't I be?
Weeell... you're so small and...
Of course. I'm the smallest
doctor in all of Europe.
Do you mind?
- No, no. I really don't.
How come you're nude?
How come you're not?
Now off with the clothes, quickly!
So, let's give your X-rays a look.
Oh, shit!
- What? What?
A tumor. Right here.
What? Where? Where?
- Well, here. Here!
Oh, God.
That's a tumor?
No. No, no. No.
That's a greasy stain.
Error of judgement. My bad.
I apologise.
Oh, I apologise. Sorry!
Sorry! I'm sorry. Really. I'm sorry.
Makes you feel instantly reborn, yes?
That'll be a hundred bucks.
Why? What for?
There's nothing wrong with me!
Would you rather have cancer?
Let's see what can be done.
- Right, right. Here.
So long.
Keep an eye on your well being.
The records just showed me that
all of your cases are hopeless!
You are all gonna croak miserably!
So this office is closed!
All those old farts should be given
the lethal injection! Shit!
Mister Brenner refuses
to eat his greasy soup.
Black man, it surprises you or what?
They're starving back at your home
and they can't swallow anything here,
because eating too much got them sick.
Solution: let the old ones croak,
make delicious soup out of them
and ship it to Africa!
You're into such things.
Crunchy colonialist butt
dipped in cocoa milk...
Oh, man, and I thought black people
have a sense for black comedy.
Well, well! The entire family?
Are we celebrating something?
Grandpa is dying.
Really? Can I have his room?
Before I go, I've a confession to make.
Each time I trimmed my toes
I mixed them with your cereals.
is he dead now?
I think so... yes.
- Boo!
Grandpa! You're not dead?!
- Noo.
I have changed my mind.
I don't want to die.
Juuust greaat. Really.
"Dear diary.
It's time to summarize
this eventufl day.
The school party's over and I fear that
my artistic actions had little effect.
It was one of those nights
when everything can happen.
The air was hot and moist
like a beautiful young woman...
The sky filled with stars. The moon
shone like a beacon to a better future.
The Aula was sold out to the last seat.
Tension cut the air.
It was ready to begin.
Enjoy the meal!
That's our boy.
Psst. They don't need
to know right away.
Good evening,
my ladies and gentlemen!
I welcome you to this year's
party of the "Adolf Hitler" high school.
Err... sorry.
The "Albert Schweitzer" high school.
Sadly the musical contribution
that was me and my band's performance,
is cancelled due to health issues.
Therefore I am mostly improvising
the rest of the program.
But, before we begin,
I would like to give thanks.
First to my mother, without whom
I wouldn't be here today,
without whom I'd be nothing more than
one among millions of spermatosoids
in my father's balls.
Thank you... mother.
Further, I thank this insitution's
board of teachers,
for the flare of wisdom they passed
down to me, and their patience. Thanks!
That's our boy.
- Yes. That's our son!
"Ha-ha! These fools!
The well-fed educated middle class
was shaken into a feeling of security
and lazily awaited the next
harmless party funs to come.
Now was the time to press down on them.
I changed my costume behind the curtains
and then stepped out into the bright
spotlight and said:
You.. have all... fucked.
"I calmly allowed this precise
provocation to shake the entire hall."
That's your son?
- "They didn't count on it.
My moose costume successfully
annoyed the audience even more."
There are his parents!
"Then the drugs slowly
started kicking in.
The joy-addicted adults have enjoyed
free drinks the entire evening,
unaware of the interesting chemicals
that were added to it.
I knew that that night would
be something really special,
when our cathecist, miss Blachi,
solicited the entire male part of the
board of teachers into a cock parade.
The crowning jewel for presenting
the innovative sexual technique...
Get over here, you butthead!
- undoubtedly went to my grandfather."
Yees!
You fucking butthead!
There. I came.
"He could even temporarily walk again.
That was the moment I was waiting for.
Bare, just as God made me,
I stepped towards the microphone...
and proclaimed a new statement:"
Peace to the huts!
War to the palaces!
Peace to the huts! War to the palaces!
Peace to the huts! War to the palaces!
"In the end we took
the cathedral in the main square.
Seeing how it's the tallest building
in town, it felt most fitting
to hang on its roof
our political agenda banner.
FUCKING!
But then, sadly, the law
officers showed up.
Gramps was the only one
resisting until the bitter end.
While the drugs worked,
parents and teachers kept singing
the songs of freedom.
That liberal attitude will however
change dramatically by tomorrow.
All of a sudden, my parents had very
little tolerance for my radical views.
When taken to the felony judge,
they showed their true bourgeois face."
Is that your son?
Not since today he isn't!
"And so it ends here,
another eventful day
of my rebelous existence.
I learned some things...
but a lot remains undone.
But... isn't life like a mosaic?
Only with the final piece...
does the whole... become complete."
SMALL ASSHOLE
(the end)
3rd month
5th month
7th month
9th month
Enjoy your meal.
Now push!
Push!
Good. Like that.
Yes. Just keep on pushing nicely!
We'll be done in no time.
Oh, and we're done!
Congratulations!
But what is it, doctor, sir?
What is it?
It's an asshole.
Barely twelve years later...
I am the devil, baby,
I want to burn you, baby,
It's boiling hot here, baby,
so do not dress too warmly, baby.
The thing that would suit you the
best right now is a tiny sin.
Little Asshole
Sin! We want to sin,
denounce the heavens and
then sin some more,
and for our wrongdoings
to burn here forever.
Sin! We want to sin,
denounce the heavens and
then sin some more,
I'm one little asshole, baby,
one tiny devil, baby,
you're my latest roast chick, baby,
so do not dress too warmly, baby.
The thing that would suit you the
best right now is a tiny sin.
Sin! We want to sin,
denounce the heavens and
then sin some more,
Sin! We want to sin,
denounce the heavens and
then sin some more,
Sin! We want to sin,
denounce the heavens and
then sin some more,
So? What is it?
No fireworks?
Tell me... A-a-a-r-re you normal?
To do, on the World Day of C-c-catholic
Youth, a modern verion of F-f-faust?
Told ya' we'd perform front o'
bunch o'hardcore satanists!
Christians... Satanists...
one gets them mixed up.
- "Mixed up" my ass!
Ah... and there's a difference?
Y-y-you got us into trouble
with your e-e-eyes wide open!
I admit it, boys.
I took this risk...
because I wanted to break boundaries!
Exhort understanding for atheism.
Unite. Reconcile.
And in turn, they molest us!
But I'm used to being trampled.
Us too!
- Us too!
Dear diary.
My band's display at the Catholic
Youth Gathering did not go as I hoped.
These are hard times.
Misery and poverty rule in
many countries of the world.
Wars are being waged. Contagious
diseases threaten our humanity.
And if I mess up my biology class
assignment, I'll get a G and flunk out.
But I won't give up!
I'll continue my war for a better world
until all of humanity starts to
sing and hug each other.
But, listen... what's going on here?
I must do a routine check,
my dear diary.
Enjoy your meal!
- Yeah, yeah, yeah!
No!
- Oh, shit!
W-what are you doing here?
I was worried, mother.
I heard some strange noises.
Sounded like sick animals are vomiting.
We aren't animals!
- Dad and I were just about to...
make the bed... and...
A-ha. But, mother I know
what the deal is here.
Don't be shy.
I'm built like that.
I'm the fruit of your womb.
Ah...
Yeah, yeah. Father thrusted his penis
into your vulva, I mean, pussy.
You can do it from the back too; a tergo
as you just impressively demonstrated.
Although the Catholic Church doesn't
take kindly to it. Oh, man!
At the peak of his sexual efforts,
he put his seed, a slimey fluid
from the mucuous system,
tasting like a low-calory
salad, into you.
His sperm, those agile and jolly lads,
then found their way to the uterus,
where one of them,
the most keen one,
merged with a female egg.
And in there, swimming in the amniotic
fluid and feeding on the placenta,
the embrio grows; faceless and small at
first, it unrelentlessly grows in scale,
and barely nine months after what
may have been a spontaneous act of lust,
a new human is born.
That's how I came to be.
Your son. The miracle of life.
Do go on. The female salivary flora
supposedly peaks in these hours.
Huh?
- What?
Eh.. should we continue?
I don't know.
Tell me... are you on pills
at the moment? - No.
Well... let's rather not then.
Where, the hell are my red...?
- Enjoy your meal!
You old pig!
Can't you knock?
Why are you covering up your nudity?
You're my sister. I don't yearn for you.
That would be the last thing I need!
Now what is it you want?!
I'm bringing you your share.
Here.
Share? What share?
Five tomes of "Tex, the brave horseman"
comics, in mint condition.
"Tex, the brave horseman"?
- Exactly.
Keeper of the law in the lawless ages!
A guy with a big hat... I mean...
A guy with a small hat, but a big heart.
Horizontally oriented.
What am I to do with this crap?
Oh, now now.
No need to thank me.
I traded them for your red panties.
With my friend Kalle Klammroth.
- You... what?!
You traded my panties for five tomes
of "The Brave Horseman"?
Ten in total!
Five for you, five for me.
Are you nuts? Those were 'Malizia'
panties, they cost me fourty bucks!
Don't gloom over the trade value now.
They'll be worth a fortune
in 20 or 30 years!
Oh, is that right? And what's that
little bastard doing with my panties?
Well, he'll jack off into them.
He loves you. - What?!
You're saying the pimpled idiot sits in
his room, onanating in my best panties?
In the laundry room. Kalle always
onanates in the laundry room.
I don't get it. I just don't get it.
I know. I know how you feel right now.
You feel humiliated, your female honor
being hurt, right?
I understand your pain.
But, I have avenged you!
Well isn't that comforting.
And how is that?
I first peed into them.
And Kalle believed that it was you,
so he gave me two extra comics.
"The intellectual level of
my family compared to my own
is the same as that of a sea sponge
compared to Albert Einsten, dear diary.
They're like animals.
Shameless and full of lust.
You wouldn't believe what I
just caught my parents doing.
My sister isn't any better either.
She shamelessly stretched, in all her
flawless nudity, in front of me.
The light softly refracted on her
perky nipples,
as the pubes on the mound of Venus
tucked between her firm thighs glittered
like a river of liquid silk.
I sometimes feel like a modern R. Crusoe
on an island full of nude savages.
Like a space farer stuck
on the planet of the apes.
There are three things that grant
me the strength to survive this:
the love for music,
the effort for a better world
and Inge Koschmidder.
Yes, dear diary.
I am in love.
In love with an older woman.
It may sound shocking, but...
I must finish, dear diary.
Grandpa needs shaking up.
Excluding me, no one takes
care of the old sack.
I'm not being pushed into taking a walk!
Did you hear the news today?
They found a cure for your cancer type.
What? What?
Heals you in a jiffy, tastes like oral,
kicks in like coke and costs one buck!
And the side-effects?
- It makes you rich and famous.
You've got a mouth on ya, don't you?
Just trying to be nice.
You won't last long anyway.
I'm not in the cemetery yet!
That can change.
Hey? What's all this fuss now?
Where are you taking me?!
Through a shortcut.
I'm not going to the cemetery!
I can't believe it.
Sooner or later we all have to go here.
You sooner, me later.
Cemeteries make me nervous.
Everything comes and passes.
Does it? Does it mean that I don't
pass fast enough for you?
I should try and lie down here, right?
Wait! Stop!
Ow, ow, ow!
Oh, man! Would you look...
at all those maggots and larva!
Scavengers of the earth!
What would happen, I wonder...
- Nice.
if I were to throw this apple inside?
Hey! What's going on there?
Some sort of a burial.
Let's get the hell out of here!
Wait a second. Aren't those
the M?llerdongs... from next door?
Why of course. They're burying
Hubert today, that old fart!
Grandpa! Hubert used to be
your best friend.
Don't speak ill of the dead.
How so? Do you have to earn your
right to croak these days?
Everyone can. Even Hubert!
- The entire M?llerdong family is here.
Nothing surprising.
There's heritage to be had!
My dear, grief-stricken community.
We have gathered here...
- To make sure he's six feet under!
to escort a man, to whom Christian love
for the next of kin was not only known
but practiced by.
- Damn right! Fucked my wife!
My best friend!
- Grandpa...
Well, it's true!
Back when I did the night shifts.
Dirty old pig!
It may be that the deceased
is not without sin,
but who will be the first to cast
the stone, in his final moments?
Me! Me! Get me a stone! I'll do it!
Please now. We're all Christians!
I'm not! I'm out of the Church!
It's been an eternity now!
Come on... let's go!
I'm not paying to spend
an eternity with guys like that!
I wanna go to hell!
Long live Satan! Abraxas!
I must ask you to leave The Lord's
ground now! And never to see you again!
Are you happy now?
Of course. That's exactly how an
atheist imagines immortality.
Barred from entering the cemetery!
"Truth be told, grandpa
packs a strong foul breath...
but otherwise he's, actually,
completely alright.
It's almost a shame that
he has to die soon.
I'll miss him in a way.
But then again, I'll be
getting his big room.
But, where was I?
Ah, yes. Love.
Yes, dear diary. I'm in love.
I had no idea that such a soul state
shuts down logical actions so much.
So much that right now I'm wearing
my dad's C. Klein boxers as a headdress.
I just felt like doing it.
Shit! God damn shit!
"In a way..."
- God damn shit crappy pigs!
Cursed ass!
Shit crappy pigs!
Shit! Where are my pants, you asshole?
- you become immune to bad influences.
A rain forest is dying out in Brasil.
I probably won't finish this grade,
and father is raging across our
house like a battlefield."
Hey! Hey! Hey! Open up!
Where are my pants? Open up!
"But my mind is set on one thing alone."
- I'm gonna...
I'm gonna go insane!
- "On love."
"Love." -Open the doors!
- "Love.
The object of my desire is
...Inge Koschmidder.
Inge is 76 years old,
and a little worn out already.
But, screw the sexual taboos!
Now and then you have to
break the boundaries.
The day before yesterday I
went to Inga to tell her of my love.
It was probably the nerves.
Women tend to hesitate more
than men at those things.
Their heart says "yes"...
but the feminist side of
their brain says "no".
Half an hour later
I rang by at Inga's again.
She had enough time to come
clean with her own emotions.
What a broad!
She was sending me a signal
that way: "Take me! Conquer me!"
And it shall be so.
The offensive starts today.
The attack on Inga's heart.
And the way to a woman's heart leads,
of course, through the... ears."
Do not cry if it's raining,
dam-dam, dam-dam.
There is someone standing there,
dam-dam, dam-dam.
Marble, steel and stone break
but our love, never, nay.
All, all comes to pass,
but we are faithful to ourselves.
If I can't be with you some day,
dam-dam, dam-dam,
remember that you're not alone,
dam-dam, dam-dam.
Marble, steel and stone break
but our love, never, nay.
All, all comes to pass,
but we are faithful to ourselves.
Take this golden ring from me,
dam-dam, dam-dam.
cost a fucking fortune, I'm telling you,
dam-dam, dam-dam.
"And then, sadly, the bloody cops
came up and stopped the show.
They'd love to pin something on me,
but had to let me go for being under 18.
What a day!
But, the social revolutionary
knows not of rest.
I added to my effort's program, among
other things, animal preservation.
Now I just have to take
Peppi out for a walk.
He must be impatiently waiting
for my arrival, flapping his tail.
Atta boy."
Howdy!
Yeah, yeah.
Enjoy the meal, miss M?venpick!
May I take Peppi for a walk?
- Oh, go ahead.
The old lazy geezer could
do a little bit of running.
Isn't someone getting happy here!
Peppi!
Peppito, where are you?
A-ha! There's the little goof.
But, doin't spoil him too much.
Don't you worry about it,
miss M?venpick.
Do you know what I dreamt
of last night, Peppi?
I dreamt about having a dog.
A real dog, you know. Not some
borrowed dog without papers, like you.
It was a real dog with a pedigre.
You were in it as well.
My dog devoured you.
A strange dream, isn't it?
See this stick?
A nice stick, huh?
It's actually just an ordinary,
stupid, dry shitty little stick.
But, if I throw it, your animal
instincts will force you to chase it,
gasping at it like you would at
a horny dalmatian bitch!
Fetch the stick!
The oldest dog joke in the world!
Works every time.
That's your flaw. You're too stupid.
That's the reason you fetch us
newspapers too.
A cat would never do that.
Not even a hamster.
Ooh! Look, Peppi.
Your rival's pile.
And, what is it? Call of the wild!
Won't you at least sniff it?
...I guess I gotta wake up
the wolf inside you!
First you have to smell the lead.
It is very important. Like this!
Now you have to place your pile
next to it.
It's called marking the territory.
Peppi, Peppi...
I am honestly concerned
for your natural instincts.
Just look at it, Peppi.
Your sworn enemies!
And they come in threes.
Just look at those sadistical things
torturing that tiny, helpless mouse.
This is your chance for greatness!
Those bastards! But they set up shop
without Superpeppi!
Peppi, Peppi, Peppi...
Do you know what your problem is, Peppi?
You leave your guard too open.
My god, Peppi!
What happened to you?
That's due to his poor reflexes,
miss M?venpick.
Do you know what I think?
- No. What?
I think your dog watches
too much television.
Ah, there it is lying down!
So, listen up people...
- No! Y-y-you listen up!
One more r-r-ruined performance
and you'll t-t-tour alone!
Exactly! Reciting Salman Rushdie at an
Islamist Fundamentalist meet is crazy!
Damn right it is! I've been given
50 strokes to my bare feet!
I get it, boys. You're displeased.
You yearn for the applause
from the thrilled masses.
I know what you want.
You want fireworks!
F-f-fireworks?!
To d-d-die for!
I want t-t-to not get k-k-kicked
after a performance f-f-for once!
D-d-d-do I ask too m-m-much?
Fear not, boys.
I got it under control this time around.
I swear.
If I c-c-could only see t-t-that!
Are you at least sure that you
picked the right music this time?
Trust in me, boys!
They'll weave chaplets for us!
Beg us for a reprise on their knees!
Sss-s-s-s....
- Swear!
Swear!
- Yeah! Swear!
I swear!
Howdy!
Aren't we all somewhere
like trucks in the night?
On the reoad to nowhere
packing suspicious cargo.
Isn't the highway under us
as a beautiful woman?
So curvy and giving,
as a bare body.
Is life and existence not
just like a country song?
Once out, once inside,
and hard as hardened concrete.
For trucks roar there,
where the country plays,
fools sit in here,
for stupidity loves beer.
I shit on Hank Williams,
I shit on Johnny Cash,
I shit on Dolly Parton,
country makes me sick!
This is an anti-country poem,
an anti-country song.
Everyone who loves some country
has a tiny dong.
"COUNTRY BUNKER"
"I must have a guardian angel,
dear diary.
Otherwise I wouldn't be
the only one unharmed,
while the boys had to
endure this or that fist.
But, maybe that will grant strength
for their later journeys through life.
'He who brushes well in his youth, needs
not comb in his old age', goes a saying.
Half past one.
About time to have a couple of
final sexual experiments.
I might get my first
semen spillage this time.
It would kind of be the time for that.
Kalle Klammroth
already had 24!
At least he says so."
Can you hear that?
The silence? Yees!
It can be heard.
Felt, smelled, tasted!
Aaah! That cosmic silence.
Silence in the forest.
No good-for-nothing objections!
No bad jokes!
Nothing can be heard.
See, before breakfast, I struck
a deal with my favourite son.
Is that right, son?! If he opens
his trap at this table even once,
he'll get slapped so hard
his glasses will fly off!
Good old beating.
Proven authoritary method of raising.
Aaaah, the silence.
Makes a man mistake the simplest
banana m?sli for a luncheon!
Enjoy the meal!
- You too!
What?!
W-w-what's that?
I am the voice of the opressed!
I am the scream of the gulag.
The tenor in a quire of captives.
I see you more as good reason
for a big round of whooping!
Wait a minute! There is no mention
of ventriloquism in our contract.
Do you really want to place your
pedagogical authenticity on stake?
There are witnesses! Mhm!
I'll get it.
Tyah, dad.
You got out clean.
Yeah? Hello?
No, this is not a helpline.
You were wrongly rerouted.
But, tell me...
does something ail you?
Oh, shit.
That, of course, sucks.
Yeah. Really.
Your situation seems
quite hopeless.
Sure, sure! I understand completely. You
must see yourself as shit right now.
And rightfully so.
No, no. I wouldn't place any
hope for this matter.
Suicide?!
That would, naturally,
be one way of handling it!
But, please, don't thank me.
I was glad to be of help. Til next time!
Or better so - adieu.
Who was that?
It's all good! It was taken care of.
"Dear diary.
Something terrible happened.
During my morning routine check, when
I passed by Inge Koschmidder's place,
I saw her... talking to
some unknown man.
They lowered their voices
as I walked past them.
That whore!
Cheating on me
in front of my own eyes.
Never have I been that
humiliated in my life before.
The pain is indescribable.
I don't think I'll ever experience
something like love in my life.
All emotion has left me.
I almost wanted to march into
some small, helpless country
and establish a reign of terror there!
But... one doesn't do that.
Still, I will retaliate.
Not by their primitive means...
No. Subtler, with more style.
But, enough of that.
New assignments await.
Instead of Kalle Klammroth,
who is unfortunately disease stricken,
I bring warm meals to invalids."
Enjoy your meal! The young samaritarians
sent me. I brought food.
Lovely.
You're standing in for Kalle?
Place it then, please,
at the table. Alright?
Will you read me newspapers...
while I'm eating?
That's what Kalle always did.
Tell me. Are you really blind, or do you
just want to be catered all the time?
Now listen to me...
of course I'm blind!
That's easy to check.
You're either really blind,
or you don't have any sense of humour.
I. Am. Blind!
- Really? Oh, shit. I'm sorry.
You poor, poor blind man.
I don't need your sympathy!
- Oh, I understand your bitterness.
Let me at least be your eyes
to the world for today.
I'll read a bit.
Whooah! Is she hot!
- What?!
Cute gal, right here
on page two. Check it out!
Oh, excuse me.
I'm so insensitive.
But, here are her measures for you.
98-64-92.
And? Is something moving?
- Mhm?
Blind (false) alarm, so to speak.
You're not easy to please at all.
There... and now I must leave.
You know, you're not the only
invalid that I must make rounds to.
I'm out. Byee!
And I'm already gone.
Boo-!
See, I didn't leave yet.
But now I really must.
Don't let your meal get cold.
It's a fresh mole!
You shitty little bastard!
- Missed me.
"I always took the blind as
optimistical and modern in spirit.
Like Stevie Wonder.
But I was wrong.
But, that's no reason for a person
to get bitter all of a sudden.
Doesn't everyone have
a cross to bear?
Take me, for example.
My biologoy assingment's
deadline draws near.
But still, I don't grieve.
Quite the contrary.
I'll have you know that my
paper is progressing great!
Fuck -> lick -> suck
Not only will my teachers be amazed
and I'll pass the grade
but it will rattle the entire
field of biological of experts!
The theme is human sexuality.
I owe many experiments
to my grandpa,
for piquing my interest, early on,
for this young field of exploration.
For example, I will always
remember fondly the episode
when we tried putting gramps
into a nursing home.
I'n not going to a nursery home!
It's not a nursing home, grandpa,
but an elrderly trust fund.
The only elrderly thrust fun I know
is down between my legs. - Psst!
Get it together, father.
We must leave a good impression.
These guys are picky.
Ah! Our new guest.
Welcome to the "Saint Ann" trust fund.
Good day!
- Enjoy your meal!
Just a few small formalities left.
Which drugs have you been prescribed?
- Morphine!
But, all you have to do
is get ti for me.
I can shoot it myself.
- Uh-huh?
And I don't shit in the bed and all.
Easy to nurse.
I just ocassionally drop out of my
wheelchair and vomit on the carpet.
But, I don't even notice it,
because of the morphine! - Mmm.
Just leave me laying there. Once
the vomit dries up, it can be vacuumed.
Do you have a... hobby?
- Why, of course!
Compulsive masturbation.
What, now?
I mean my old thrust fun.
I grab it with my hands and...
Gramps!
- What's your religion then?
The Church of the Holy Vagina.
- Holy what?!
Vagina!
- Psst! - V-a-g...
Fine, fine!
I know how to spell it.
What kind of a religion is that?
We believe in the imperfect conception.
We think that God is a female,
and with big, fat...
- Gramps!
We even have our burial ceremony!
We trust that the genitals live on.
We bury just the rest of the body.
I'm sorry, but I just saw here that
we're currently fully booked.
Sister Ursula! Would you please
escort the gentlemen to the exit.
Of course.
Please, follow me. This way.
Hell and thunder! A sex goddess!
You're no nurse at all!
You're the goddess of lust!
Hey, hey!
You're the Holy Vagina!
Halt!
- Please...
I don't wanna leave! I want to go
to a nursery home! Please, please!
Oh, shut up already!
"After that, we decided to nurture him
ourselves until he dies. It's cheaper.
And father and mother can steal some
of the drugs that his doctor prescribes.
But, now I must finish.
The radio station is having
an open doors day.
A media event that
I just can't miss."
RADIO-STATION
TODAY: Open doors day
INFO STAND
Enjoy your meal!
ON AIR
Hello, hello!
Hello, hello.
Hello, hello, hello, hello!
Listen now to a few
rather odd noises.
And now, for the news.
The entire area of the
Federal Republic of Germany:
Please, pay attention to the fat white
particles afloat in the air.
They have escaped a genetics lab
in Porto and are highly dangerous.
On skin contact it gets women pregnant,
and turns men gay.
Bonn: Housewives without an emplyoment
are to, with unemployed unshaven men
with foul breaths, for the
fullfilment of bodily needs,
offer theirselves for free of charge.
The government is convinced that it'll
induce a natality and economical boom.
Please stand in line out of the nearest
supermarket or leave your doors open.
Important announcement
from the traffic service!
Mister *** from *** on the way
in his WV Golf with license plates ***
go home immediately!
Your house is on fire.
And now for completely special
news for Inge Koschmidder!
Yes, Inge, I mean you!
You slut!
You fucked the mailman!
Yes, let the whole world know!
Inge Koschmidder fucks mailmen!
You skank!
And I used to love you.
There's the brat!
I don't wanna see you
back here ever again!
"Oh, well... I think this will be
a good lesson for Inge.
Who plays with my heart,
also plays with fire.
She must learn that
I too have feelings.
Older people, sadly,
lean into a lack of sensibility.
Chores, chores, chorse!
Grandpa needs some time out again.
Some oxygen, a few polite words...
That'll keep him from dying.
Actually old age has a vast number of
advantages... once you think about it.
You don't say! And who's that?
- Well, now, erm...
You can, for example, show around
your disabled card.
Exactly! I can't swim anymore and
that's why I get pool time for free.
I can't see or hear anymore,
so I get free theater tickets.
The hell I can!
What would you say a disabled card
should get you?
It should get me free entry
into a bordel!
Can you even talk about
anything else besides sex?
How so?
Does something else exist?
Oh well. I understand.
Is there anything in your rich vault
of sexual experience,
to share with a young man like me?
- Yeees!
Never onanate more than
twelve times a day!
At least not over a long
period of time.
Why is that? - Well what do you think
got me into these wheelchair?!
You're a dirty old man!
You know that? - I do!
No matter how much I get washed,
I still feel dirty after it.
I think it's unnatural.
- How so?
If God wanted you to have a boner
at your age, he'd give it wings!
You know... you're somehow alright.
You remind me of what I was
back when I was your age.
A short-sighted little boy?
No. A short-sighted little asshole!
Now what kind of urbanist
ugly frontage is this?
It's the new hospital.
- It's very well made!
I'm just having a... stroke!
"Maybe now I'll get to have
grandpa's room soon.
He survived the stroke, but doctors say
chances are high to have another one.
In all that excitement,
I almost forgot about poor Inge.
Love heals all wounds,
my dear diary.
I'll send word that the path
to my heart is open once again."
Halo?
Halo?
I am young, you are old,
I'm still warm
you'll soon be cold.
You feel faint,
and I feel strong,
I'm the nail, and you're the tomb.
While I firmly tread through life,
an urn awaits you now.
As you fry on the other side,
I feel like given a new life.
But, I do not care for that,
to me you're like a magic rat.
You're so beautiful, so classy,
like a closed down garage.
I'm the crome and you're the rust,
I'm the manure and you're compost.
While I firmly tread through life,
an urn awaits you now.
And just as we come together
you're getting buried for forever.
But, I do not care for that,
to me you're like a magic rat.
I take a piss on your cholesterol,
I need you like... heroin.
You lack the strength,
I have the balls,
I am the wind,
you are dead fall.
You are about to rot,
and I'm a gentle bud,
I'll have your money,
much to my delight.
Nothing will sway this love alliance
not the gout, or Alzeheimer's!
Hello, hello? Inge?
Women...
And that's what I did.
Eyes blindfolded, on one foot,
piggybacking a shark, laughing
straight into the face of danger!
I've come for Peppi, miss M?venpick!
Peppi! I know you're there.
Aaah... there's the little goof.
Oh come now, Peppi.
Let the children in.
Peppi...
Peppi, you're slowly making me anry.
My patience is nearing
it's limit, Peppito.
But, Peppi...
You missed!
Now I'm really angry, Peppi.
I'm afraid I have to punish you now.
But, Peppi... You don't even
know how to handle that.
Stop it! Peppi, stop it!
There's a brand new anti-germ product
that I must try on you,
my four-legged friend.
But, Peppi, you're not
supposed to do that.
Smoking is unhealthy.
Peppi, Peppi, Peppi...
Did you know that dogs are
a delicatesse in China Peppi?
I already came up with a recipe:
"Peppi bolognese".
You simply get a dog.
One such as yourself, Peppi.
Add to it garlick,
tomatoes, fresh origano.
First roast it well on strong flame,
and add the red onions afterwards.
Some reverse it, but I prefer
the onion glassy rather than crunchy.
Then I add a little...
Enjoy the meal, miss M?venpick!
I was just coming to see
how Peppi is doing.
Would he mind a walk again?
Oh, he wouldn't. I'm sure
he could use the fresh air.
You know... I'm a bit concerned
for Peppi. - How so?
Well... ever since you walked him
the other day, he became really weird.
Speaking of, where is he?
Ah! There he is.
You know, Peppi...
I've been thinking about us.
There's some uncalled for tension.
So I brought you something
Yum, yum, yum.
A tastey sausage.
What you don't know, my dear Peppi, is
that it contains a heavy shot of LSD-25.
A very potent hallucinogen.
It allegedly helps seeing things clearer
and amplifies hearing fascinatingly.
They say that body movement helps
it get through blood to the brain faster
where it develops its full effect.
This is just the right moment to test
your reflexes under extreme conditions.
Remain completely relaxed, Peppi.
Simply be what you are.
- Five...
Four...
Three...
Two...
One...
Zero.
Peppi...
Peppi, did you come to?
Peppi, Peppi, Peppi...
Note:
"No noteworthy breakthroughs
in the field of reflexes
by digesting
lysergic acid diethylamide ."
What is there to learn from this, Peppi?
Keep your hands off the heavy stuff!
No good can come of it.
My god! Peppi!
Reflexes, miss M?venpick.
An old problem of his.
And not only that, miss M?venpick.
Not only that.
I'm under a terrible doubt...
- Oh, good gracious! What is it?
I'm afraid your dog's on drugs!
"Dear diary,
surely you wonder why I'm wearing
my father's blank underwar on my head.
Why, I am grieving.
Yes, grieving for Inge Koschmidder...
for she is no longer with us.
When I returned from walking Peppi,
a coroner's car was parked in front.
The fearsome Reaper took away our Inge.
I was mad to give my heart away
to such an unreliable person!
First the mailman, and now she
backs out in this cowardly fashion!
I'm very disappointed with Inge.
But life goes on. Doesn't it?
Dogs bark, but the carousel moves on!
I will work myself into forgetting."
Boys, have some trust!
Surely, the past is ridden with
tears and pain.
But is that not the destiny of
all the unfaultering rock bands?
Think of Jim Morrison!
Sid Vicious!
Jim M-m-morrison is
dead, you a-a-asshole!
And Sid Vicious too!
Sid Vicious is dead?!
But I bought his record the other day!
This performace will be a blast. Our
triumphant crusade to a better world!
A world full of sex, drugs
and willing groupies.
I can feel it.
What am I saying... I know it!
Should I swear?
- Rather not! Don't!
Mmm, tasty vegetable!
Thank you very much for that!
Mmm, tasty vegetable!
Thank you very much for that!
It's already a tick past eleven!
It's already a tick past eleven!
Thank you very much for that!
Thank you very much for that!
It's already a tick past eleven!
It's already a tick past eleven!
Cheers! Cheers! Cheers
And? How is it?
Do you have something against
multicultural influences? Huh?
"It's borderline miracle... that we
even got out of it alive, dear diary.
I escaped through a hole in the stage,
while the boys got
quite a roughing.
Kalle Klammroth had it especially bad.
But, we all have to
make sacrifices, no?
And am I not affected the most?
After all, I have to go to bed
without having dinner
for using father's "Kenzo" pants
to make a protective phone mask...
to surprise Inge with.
I'm ending this night with the latest in
scientific experiments on my lower body.
Dear diary! You wouldn't
believe what just happened!"
What a day!
I'm totally excited.
First the biology test,
then the school party tonight...
Feeling nervous, my son?
Don't worry, mother!
I'm as calm as a buddhist bear
during hiberantion.
I don't doubt that.
I only fear that your biology paper
isn't very well made.
You are unjust to me, father!
As you often are. But, I forgive you.
What I'm holding in my hands
is not just some homework.
After they publish this, biology
will need a complete redefining!
This is likely the first biology paper
ever to win a Nobel prize.
That's really reassuring.
Can I start?
- Yeah, go ahead.
Lights off, please!
We'll start with the
reproductive organs.
The human fascination with genitals
is continuous and inexplicable.
No other body part gets
nearly as much attention.
An elbow, for example,
can be perfectly beautiful,
but it will never create an 'O-ho!'
that a penis or a vagina can.
Although they, objectively, look like
radioactive veggies from outer space.
Obviously the secret of their looks
will remain for eternity:
how come genitals aren't shaped like
something that is appealing to the eye,
for example, the shape of cyclamen
or a mouth-blown resin vase.
The male organ is like a
Mercedes among the genitals.
In the state of excitement,
a fully evolved male organ
reaches the length of sixty centimeters
and weights around three kilos.
It can ejaculate exactly 950 times.
Matching about half of this bucket.
The male semen consists
of brain cells,
which travel to the crotch via the
hippotalamus and the spinal cord.
With each ejaculation the man loses
around five billion brain cells,
double the amount of full narcosis.
Very important for the production
of semen is potency.
As a rule: a man can squirt as many
times per day as he is old.
If your values are below that treshold,
you should be worried.
You probably have ball cancer.
The female organ,
called clitoris or the lovebud,
is barely worth mentioning
compared to the male organ.
It's tiny and backwards by nature,
loves to hide under the two skin pieces
the labia,
which often come surrounded
by a magnificent beard.
Men prefer mighty, large labia.
Also, most of women's labia can be
determined without seeing them naked.
Simply multiply the length of her
ear lobe with the width of her upper lip
and you'll get the labia's surface
in square centimeters.
"My effort of bringing some humour
into the dry school texts
was sadly not rewared with
high marks, dear diary.
But, I share this destiny
with other great historical figures:
Giordan Bruno, Galileo Galilei,
Erich Honecker...
my spiritual brethren.
Time will set us right.
Grandpa is still i hospital.
I'l pay him a visit and give him
comfort and trust.
I'll also use the chance to see Kalle.
He's not doing as bad as we thought.
Doctors say that he'll be able to pee
without a catheter in mere months."
Enjoy the meal!
Shit.
You have nice flower paintings in here.
Were they made with mouth?
Uh-huh.
Hello!
Hey, Kalle!
So... So how's it going...
my old pal?
Ah, yes.
Very interesting.
Bloody nazis!
You two seem to be having fun.
I won't bother you any longer.
And don't babble that much.
Next, please!
Come in!
Are you a doctor?
- Why wouldn't I be?
Weeell... you're so small and...
Of course. I'm the smallest
doctor in all of Europe.
Do you mind?
- No, no. I really don't.
How come you're nude?
How come you're not?
Now off with the clothes, quickly!
So, let's give your X-rays a look.
Oh, shit!
- What? What?
A tumor. Right here.
What? Where? Where?
- Well, here. Here!
Oh, God.
That's a tumor?
No. No, no. No.
That's a greasy stain.
Error of judgement. My bad.
I apologise.
Oh, I apologise. Sorry!
Sorry! I'm sorry. Really. I'm sorry.
Makes you feel instantly reborn, yes?
That'll be a hundred bucks.
Why? What for?
There's nothing wrong with me!
Would you rather have cancer?
Let's see what can be done.
- Right, right. Here.
So long.
Keep an eye on your well being.
The records just showed me that
all of your cases are hopeless!
You are all gonna croak miserably!
So this office is closed!
All those old farts should be given
the lethal injection! Shit!
Mister Brenner refuses
to eat his greasy soup.
Black man, it surprises you or what?
They're starving back at your home
and they can't swallow anything here,
because eating too much got them sick.
Solution: let the old ones croak,
make delicious soup out of them
and ship it to Africa!
You're into such things.
Crunchy colonialist butt
dipped in cocoa milk...
Oh, man, and I thought black people
have a sense for black comedy.
Well, well! The entire family?
Are we celebrating something?
Grandpa is dying.
Really? Can I have his room?
Before I go, I've a confession to make.
Each time I trimmed my toes
I mixed them with your cereals.
is he dead now?
I think so... yes.
- Boo!
Grandpa! You're not dead?!
- Noo.
I have changed my mind.
I don't want to die.
Juuust greaat. Really.
"Dear diary.
It's time to summarize
this eventufl day.
The school party's over and I fear that
my artistic actions had little effect.
It was one of those nights
when everything can happen.
The air was hot and moist
like a beautiful young woman...
The sky filled with stars. The moon
shone like a beacon to a better future.
The Aula was sold out to the last seat.
Tension cut the air.
It was ready to begin.
Enjoy the meal!
That's our boy.
Psst. They don't need
to know right away.
Good evening,
my ladies and gentlemen!
I welcome you to this year's
party of the "Adolf Hitler" high school.
Err... sorry.
The "Albert Schweitzer" high school.
Sadly the musical contribution
that was me and my band's performance,
is cancelled due to health issues.
Therefore I am mostly improvising
the rest of the program.
But, before we begin,
I would like to give thanks.
First to my mother, without whom
I wouldn't be here today,
without whom I'd be nothing more than
one among millions of spermatosoids
in my father's balls.
Thank you... mother.
Further, I thank this insitution's
board of teachers,
for the flare of wisdom they passed
down to me, and their patience. Thanks!
That's our boy.
- Yes. That's our son!
"Ha-ha! These fools!
The well-fed educated middle class
was shaken into a feeling of security
and lazily awaited the next
harmless party funs to come.
Now was the time to press down on them.
I changed my costume behind the curtains
and then stepped out into the bright
spotlight and said:
You.. have all... fucked.
"I calmly allowed this precise
provocation to shake the entire hall."
That's your son?
- "They didn't count on it.
My moose costume successfully
annoyed the audience even more."
There are his parents!
"Then the drugs slowly
started kicking in.
The joy-addicted adults have enjoyed
free drinks the entire evening,
unaware of the interesting chemicals
that were added to it.
I knew that that night would
be something really special,
when our cathecist, miss Blachi,
solicited the entire male part of the
board of teachers into a cock parade.
The crowning jewel for presenting
the innovative sexual technique...
Get over here, you butthead!
- undoubtedly went to my grandfather."
Yees!
You fucking butthead!
There. I came.
"He could even temporarily walk again.
That was the moment I was waiting for.
Bare, just as God made me,
I stepped towards the microphone...
and proclaimed a new statement:"
Peace to the huts!
War to the palaces!
Peace to the huts! War to the palaces!
Peace to the huts! War to the palaces!
"In the end we took
the cathedral in the main square.
Seeing how it's the tallest building
in town, it felt most fitting
to hang on its roof
our political agenda banner.
FUCKING!
But then, sadly, the law
officers showed up.
Gramps was the only one
resisting until the bitter end.
While the drugs worked,
parents and teachers kept singing
the songs of freedom.
That liberal attitude will however
change dramatically by tomorrow.
All of a sudden, my parents had very
little tolerance for my radical views.
When taken to the felony judge,
they showed their true bourgeois face."
Is that your son?
Not since today he isn't!
"And so it ends here,
another eventful day
of my rebelous existence.
I learned some things...
but a lot remains undone.
But... isn't life like a mosaic?
Only with the final piece...
does the whole... become complete."
SMALL ASSHOLE
(the end)