Klassikokkutulek 3: Ristiisad (2019) - full transcript

You're looking damn good, son.

No wonder you're crazy
about this boy.

He's the world's best dad.

And the world's best son.

Our biggest client

will be very satisfied
with those designs.

Have you figured out the slogan?

Just like a movie.

The position of creative
director is yours.

You'll get sex at home. - Oh.

He looks exactly
like you, Toomas.



Damn it, boy. Go get a haircut!

You look like a slouch.

Class Reunion 3: Godfathers

I'm not to blame,

for all of this stuff
still being here.

Mother didn't feel
like taking anything,

when she moved out.

That Kristjan should
have loads of money.

He should buy himself
new things, damn it.

I think mother likes it,

because I've also
slept in that bed.

And tell your mother

that I want all of
these things back.

Maybe they won't believe it,



but I may need
baby-stuff too one day.

Damn it.

Isn't it a little weird
for this Kristjan,

that I've bought all
of these things?

I don't think he cares.

Fuck him them.

I'll go down to wait
for mom and Kristjan.

Hello there!

Yo! Loser, listen to the groove

and your friends will
come help you move.

What? - It's a rap, damn it.

Rap...
- What's that you're wearing?

What's that you're wearing?

I went cycling,

it's a special sweat
repelling outfit.

Sweat smelling?
- Sweat repelling.

It's a nice practical look.

It fits those shoes really well.

Andres, where is your bathroom?

What? Again?

We had to stop twice
on the way here.

Are you some kind
of serial-urinator?

I don't know, I'm lacking
pressure lately.

Hey guys, could it be

from my dick recently
just sort of resting

and not seeing any action?

Have you retired
your willy early?

I don't know, Juta
hasn't been in the mood.

I wonder why?

It's so sexy, when you
constantly complain.

Ow, damn it, guys!
My hand got caught.

Wow!

Is that for me?
- Mhm.

Oh, how cute.
- Yeah, she is super.

Do you have kids?
- Nope.

It's time for you to get on it then.
- Mhm.

So cute.
– Can you not have children?

My partner or wife could, but...

You can always get a donor.

Her genes will stay
in the family.

And mommy is coming.

Here, hold her. Hold her.

Should we ask now?
- Yes, yes, Andres.

Would you like to
be Ida's godfather?

What?
- No, I mean thinking about Viktor.

Yes.

If something happened
to Kristjan and me.

So the kids could stay together.

Yeah.

No, you can always decline.

He's not going to decline, right?

Very good, thank you!

I'm sure Viktor will be glad.

Yeah.

I found this in the bathroom.
- Ah.

That's Monkey-Later.

Ida will definitely like it.

That is my monkey!

My grandmother knitted
me that monkey.

And this monkey will
stay in my family.

Ah?
- Ah. - What?

It's easy for Kristjan
to be generous.

But what do I have left?

And in addition
to that I have to

go and celebrate their family.

But if they get
smothered by a volcano

or sharks eat them alive

or a hedgehog array
rolls them to death,

then I will have to

take care of their child?

Hey, their kid is
Viktor's little sister.

Why is everything
so shit for me?

Why can't something
in my life happen

that's actually good?

Yes, it's Andres.

Yes, it's me.

My father had a stroke.

I hate that man.

It's not like he got
sick on purpose.

He has never once

said anything nice about me,

He hasn't cheered me
on or supported me.

Damn it, Mart, that
clicking is annoying!

I can't do anything about it.

It's like a goat walking around.
- A goat?

These are soft cycling shoes.

Hello.
- Hello.

Andres Vassiljev.
- Ah, Vassiljev.

Greetings.
- Hello.

Your father had a stroke.

He's lost his ability
to move and talk.

He can't speak at all anymore?

That old bastard.

Still forces you to pity him.

Well, he is still your father.

Absurd.

Used to be a doctor and
now he's lying here.

Well, everyone can
have an accident.

In the same way, someone could

steal a wallet from
a police officer.

A plumber could get a blockage.

And a cyclist could end up with

his shoes up his rear end.
- Yeah.

What?
- Quiet now.

I want to be sure,

that he really can't
say anything.

Aksel.

Say "ladder".

He's silent.

But look at him stare.

The only reason I was
playing handball,

was to make him happy.

But did he ever come
to see my games?

The only reason he
ever showed up,

was to hit on the
mothers of other guys.

I think I need to
go to the bathroom.

Come on, you just
went 5 minutes ago.

What's going on in your pants?

Hey, lift up the bed,

I got my thing stuck here.

At the same time Anne
is enjoying her life

with her super husband
and super child.

And I must wipe the ass
of a mean old man.

Oh lord, dear lord, sorry.

Sorry, sorry, sorry.

What are you doing here?

I had to go to the
bathroom, sorry.

Are you insane? You're
killing people here.

But again, where is
the bathroom here?

Straight and to the left.

Mart is having trouble
with his bladder.

Maybe you could take
a look at him too?

Come on boy, show your willy!

What was that?

He's probably hungry
or needs the toilet.

Tom listen.

Maybe you can adopt
my father with Hanna?

Don't have to deal
with the donor thing.

He's just like a baby.

Just a little bigger.
- Stop it, man.

This is the end.

Take this lump and go home!

Then I have no chance
to meet anyone.

On top of that I'm
also going to be

some sort of joke
of a godfather?!

Stop it, please!

Even if I was on a
deserted island,

I would have no chance
with any woman.

This woman

would rather have sex
with a palm than me.

Leave that GigaDesign talk be.

Other women would
support their husband,

or at least console him.

Mart, what are you
talking about?

That's unfair...

Damn it!

Mart, guess what I just thought of?
- Huh?

What are you doing?
- Talking to Juta.

Aha, okay.

What are we doing?

Let's go to the
tantric-camp in Kauksi.

There's a lot of beauties
interested in sex.

Tarty-what?

Tantric-training, you moron.

That's some sort of
sex training then?

That's exactly
what Andres needs.

He goes there, gets
himself a girl

and goes to the
baptism with her.

And you think that in
that tantric-training

Andres would have a
chance to find someone?

Of course.

If you would also come along,

I would have some
kind of chance.

Toomas is famous and you...

Yeah?
- Well, next to you

I seem to be
optimistic and funny.

Thanks.

Hey, we're just the backup.

We'll go there and
heat up the girls

and pump Andres full
of testosterone.

Wait, wait, what
will I tell Juta?

That I'm going to that,
what's it called?

Tantric-camp.

I don't know, we'll
think of something.

Just don't start
complaining again.

And you have to do it now?

Repairs on Andres’ summer home?

Yes, well, Andres needs help.

Are you taking all of
these pretty shirts

to impress Andres there?

No, they're for the baptism.

All of them? - Yes.

You know how much I sweat.
It's...

Yeah...

You better take these,
handyman, and wait.

You can take these
with you as well then.

Maybe you'll need them. - Yes.

Shake yourself dry
quick, fireman.

I've been ready for a
long time already.

It's good that we're not
finding you a girl.

Ah, damn it.

What are those cans
you've got there?

We were going to your
place to do repairs.

Let me take them myself.

Nice suit you have there.

Oh, thank you.

You're not gonna get
any chicks like that.

Don't insult Monkey-Later.

Monkey-Waiter, what's that name?

His name is "Later".

I'm not going there
with a random chick.

I'm going to take my
chosen one there.

Did you forget something?

Toomas, I can't wait any longer.

You have to decide.

Let's talk about
that later, huh?

About the donor?

He's not sure he
wants kids at all.

We'll help him figure it out.

Do it, please.

Don't come back
until you're sure.

Got it?
- Hanna.

We're on your side.

Alright, let's go then.

He doesn't care about
anything else,

he wants to go to
the fuck-school.

He wants to get laid.

He wants to get laid.

I want to get laid.

He wants to get laid.

This trailer thing
was a great idea.

Makes the cottage
repair more believable.

We're not taking it
to the tantric-camp?

Forget about it.

We'll get rid of it
as soon as possible.

What do you have
in there anyway?

Bicycles?

I wish that was the case.

The care home has an
opening in a month.

This mummy has no one, but me.

You put your dad in a horse trailer?
- Yes.

The dog house was too small.

That's a cute father-son
relationship.

We have to get him
into the care home.

Do you hear me?
- Yes, yes.

Let's take him there now then.

You can just take him here

and then just leave him, eh?

One old fart more or less.

What difference does it make?

Sorry!

I think you forgot something.
- Yeah?

What could that be?

You forgot this gentleman.

What gentleman?

No, I don't know
anything about him.

How so? I don't know
anything about him.

Are you sure?

Everyone looks alike here.

I think it's you and him,

that look oddly similar
to each other.

Hello.

Hello.

Say "mhm", if you know me.

He has no idea, who I am.

Please take this man
with you and leave.

Listen, this...

He's well behaved.
- Get going.

Or I will call the police.

No, easy, easy.
- Damn it!

Is that much to ask?
- Relax.

You pay taxes all
your life and then

you can't even leave
your father somewhere.

What? Yeah.

Oh god, god, sorry.

Let's get out of here.

I'm sorry.

Thank you! Thank you Estonia!

How caring!
- Mart, come help!

Come help, god, god.

I'm sorry.

What are you doing here?

I'll just leave him
here in a gas station.

Stop it!
- Okay.

If he comes along, we'll
say that he's yours.

My father
- Yeah.

Let him stare at you
with his blank eyes.

Okay, but in that case

we have to make it safer
for him in there.

Tom.

Hot chick at nine o'clock, over.

She's pregnant and with
her husband, over.

Is the guy pretty? Over.

What kind of a question is that?

Maybe he's fit to be
your donor, over.

Tom, can you hear? Tom?

That's a great model by the way.

I had the same kind
when Saara was born.

It shows video as well.

Do you have a gift
for the baptism?

Now I do.

Wait, let's get something
for Aksel too.

He'll get bored in
the trailer alone.

What do you think, is this okay?

Do you have any preferences?

What do you mean,
whether I prefer

little tight peaches

or a juicier kind of melons?

Let's start with hair colour.

That doesn't matter.

But she has to be
better than Anne.

Wait, wait, wait.

Guys, stop messing around.
Andres, damn it!

What are you doing over there?

Sorry, had a little deviation.

Think about us a little too!

Hey, your father soiled himself.

I need to change his
diaper, stop the car.

Soiled himself, big
deal, change it then.

It's your father after all.

Guys, stop the car!

Hey, maybe I should

start growing out my hair?

Like a young Jaak Joala
with his nice hair.

Wait, wait, wait.

Damn, why are you messing
around like that?

Hey guys, stop messing around,

there are cans of paint in here.
- Shut up.

Well, well, well. That's better.

Damn it!
- What are you doing there?

Did you hit all the
potholes on purpose?

You're like a fly in a pig pen.

Why the fuck are you laughing?

Let me out of here!

Help me, I can't, damn it!

Beautiful, right?

She works here.
- So what?

It's her job here,

she's not into the
tantric sex thing.

You don't have time to
take random chances.

Right, I won't smile
to her anymore.

Hello.
- Hello.

Your key.
- Thank you.

If you need anything else,
let me know.

Likewise.

Modern art.

What was that supposed to mean?

You told me not
to mess with her.

I'm not trying to
find a woman here,

I can mess around all I want.

You need a sperm donor.

A woman can't help
you with that.

Hello.
- Hello.

The thing with
having a child is,

that I need to be
completely sure,

that my thing with
Hanna is even working.

What do you mean?

I need to test myself
with temptations.

What temptations?

I need to go as far as possible,

to see if I can say "no."

I intend to get as
close as possible,

so she'll have no
chance to say "no".

Look, he moved!

No he didn't, definitely not.

Finally, I feel refreshed.

Who is going to sleep with who?

Andres and I decided over here,

that we'll sleep in the same bed

and you'll be in the
other with your dad.

He snores like crazy by the way.

I have to rest for the ladies.

You damn pigs, not noblemen.

I wouldn't mind it,

if Toomas and Aksel slept together.
- No!

Definitely no, what?

Dear tantric-trainees,

I'm waiting for all of
you in five minutes

at the forest stage auditorium.

Let's go.

Hey, wear something more normal.

Unless you want to
ruin everything.

Yeah, you look like a scarecrow,

that gets mocked by
the other scarecrows.

Yeah! - My best outfit

flew into the trashcan
because of you.

Now there are two options.

Either homeless or a
psych-ward patient.

Which one do you
think will stay?

You know what, wait.

Have you been boiling
these pants?

They're so damn tight.

That's the right way, douchebag.

You'll mess up your
nuts like that.

Too late for that.

Unbelievable!

Everyone is here to
learn how to have sex.

You'll have plenty
of chances here

to turn down temptations.

Welcome to the tantric-camp.

To start off, can I just ask,

how many of you here are single?

Raise your hands!

Unbelievable,
everyone is single.

Understood.

I have to add then,
that our course here

is not meant for
finding partners.

Tantric isn't just about sex.

What tantric actually means

can be the polar
opposite of sex.

We're cleansing our senses

and pushing ejaculation
far into the future.

We're lengthening the pleasure.

While not losing our energy.

Lovers can lie
together for years

without an eruption.

In that way, sex for them

is just like meditation.

It's the intertwining
of their bodies.

At the deepest level.

And we've got different
courses here for that

with yoga and meditations.

A massage course.

Yes, please?

Where's your bathroom here?

Sorry.

Cool pants.

Do they also make
them in your size?

I don't know,
meditation or yoga?

Let's go where they are going.

Hello my dear and beloved.
- Hello.

Today we're going to take you

to the kitchen of
the tantric world,

if that's a way to say it.

For that, we're going
to try together

to open this chakra over here.

It's over here and
it's very important.

First off... Namaste.
- Namaste.

Follow me exactly.

We start with the
sun salutation.

Get down on your hands,

and feel your glutes.

And feel your core,
that you have here.

Yes, like that. Now
butts up to the sky.

Nicely towards the sky.

Let's feel the energy.

And let's press ourselves
through down here

with a nice big arch.

Let's say "Hello, Sun."
- Hello, Sun.

And the Sun says back,

"Hello dear, I love you.

You deserve this world
and I deserve you."

Yeah, the Sun is happy.

Again, let's get down.
Now we're cats.

The cat is angry.

Oh, this cat is so angry.
The cat is angry.

Now the cat rests.

Now I feel the lower chakras.

Let's feel the upper chakras.

Something is very wrong.

We're in the front row.
- They're opening.

Hold it, hold it.

Holding the energy,
the cat rests.

Now, let's do another
Sun Salutation.

Butts towards the sky. Hold it.

Hey, that one would do.

Let's hold it. Very nice.

And now...
- Sorry,

I found this old man outside.

Who is he with?

Yes, he is with us.

With me, I mean.

Just a little misunderstanding.

The old man can stay
with us, let him be.

Breathe, breathe.

Let's feel our glutes.

Feel the glutes,
feel the lower body.

And hold the energy.

Feel it, hold it, hold it.

Now the cat rests.

What is this supposed to mean?

Breathe, don't
forget to breathe.

I don't know, maybe
she likes it,

the way Mart handles his father.

Of course, damn it.

You're doing very well.

So, old man, let me
massage you as well.

And now let's all
find a partner.

Do you want to pair up?
- Yes, yes.

So, everyone has found
themselves a partner.

One of the pair lies
down on their stomach.

And the other moves
their hands slowly

across their partner's body.

Slowly.

Hold it.

Very good, hold
back the arousal.

Hold the energy.

Mmm, what a nice butt.

I don't think I've
seen it myself.

What are you doing, man?

I need a girlfriend.

Don't worry, I'm not
interested in her.

What's that about now?

No, no, it's not about you.

He's not interested at all.
He is...

How to say...

He doesn't find
women attractive.

Aha, okay, I get it.

Thank you.

Damn it, you basically told her,

that I am gay.
- So what?

Do you have something
against gay people?

What kind of Nazi talk is that?

What do you have
against gay people?

Nothing, quite the opposite.
- Well then.

Then it was right, you
like that gay thing.

Damn you. - Mart, I never knew.

Hey, it's nothing
to be ashamed of.

Hey, Tom,

you have to really hold
on to your soap now.

It's so fucking funny, so funny.

I'm just saying,
that I want a woman

to look at me like that as well.

You didn't come here
to find a woman.

You don't have to
be a godfather.

Tom doesn't either.
- Tom?

Tom is the decoy.

Maybe I want to be
a decoy as well.

I haven't tempted
anyone in a long time.

Not even my own wife.

At least you have a wife. - Yes.

Hey, deal with it,

you're a gay guy with
a tempting butt.

Fuck you.
- Exactly.

Jesus, you've
forgotten to shave.

Shaving is so outdated now.

Lumberjack balls are
in fashion now.

Short on top, long underneath.

Get it, like a beard downstairs.

A downstairs beard, get it?

Like the balls of
a Christmas elf?

Guys, is it just
me, or is that guy

smiling at me in a weird way.

Everything's working,
butt magnet.

Thanks.
- You're welcome.

It's like breakfast
at a strip club.

In today's art class,
we'll be focusing on

drawing nudes.

Please.

What the fuck?

I'm not going to
draw any sausages.

Screw the guy, focus
on the women.

It's impossible to
make eye contact

with that wiener out
there in front.

You still doubt the donor thing?

That it won't be
like your child?

What do you mean like, it won't be.
- Yes.

It's good that it's the
child of some stranger.

You can go to some random pub

and pick out a guy as a donor,

who has much better
genes than you do.

Andres.
- If you want to be sure.

You should pick me as the donor.

You?
- Why not me?

Hey, stop it.

I am a completely healthy man.

And I've always liked Hanna.

You wouldn't get into bed with her.
- Why?

Yeah, no, of course.

Yes, please?

Where is the closest
bathroom here?

Sorry.

You wouldn't want to
have a son like that,

who is leaking like he is.

What are you doing?
- Mart, what?

I was dreaming that
you were that woman.

I think I am going crazy.

I have to tie you to the bed.

That would be BDSM, not tantric.

Good night.

Pervert.

Why are you wearing
those pillowcases?

These are Aksel's trousers,

yours were so tight,

that my nuts are still aching.

Maybe you left them
in the leather pants,

when you took them off.

Wait, where are
my trousers then?

Papa is very pleased.

Open your mouth up now.

Here comes the airplane.

I fed Viktor the same way.

Now that GigaDesign guy

is playing a happy
family with my son.

Wait, that Kristjan

is connected to GigaDesign?

He's the CEO of GigaDesign.

What?
- The CEO.

GigaDesign is the place,

that I wanted to get a job at.

With Kristjan?
- Well, yes.

Congratulations for
avoiding that boss.

I'm thinking, that
at the baptism

maybe he'd talk to me a little,

and maybe he'd invite
me to an interview.

Stop whining.

Focus on your primary mission.

We have to find
me a woman today.

Otherwise I'm not
going to the baptism.

Hey, look.

That meditation chick
is pretty good.

She's free-spirited, eh?

Her?
- Yeah.

It doesn't have to be
a long relationship.

Just for the duration
of the baptism.

Maybe long enough for you to get

your job interview
done with Kristjan?

You know what?

I'll go check what
she's signed up for

and you make the
plan to chat her up.

What plan?
- A little guide for Andres

so he knows which
buttons to press.

Today we connect to the senses

of beauty and sensitivity,

through oriental paper crafts.

Through folding.

You can craft for
your yoga partners

a wonderful origami.

Later, we talk about
feeling the material.

In terms of the human body.

So, I'll give each of
you a piece of paper.

Spread them around,
you have scissors.

And think about the
bird or animal or thing

that you want to create.

You bring your father
with you everywhere?

You wouldn't want to
sit in a corner either

Yeah, yeah.

My dad's always been
my best friend.

Rita.
- Yes?

Andres. Oh, sorry. I'm sorry.

Don't worry, I'm
used to sharpnesses.

Yes? Me too.

That meditation earlier.

You were really good at it.

You're very flexible.

Really?
- Yes.

What are you making?
- No...

It just came out like
this when I saw you.

You know, I'll just say it,

I have no reason to play around.

I think we could
really have something.

No?
- Yes.

Yeah.

And I think moving forward,

we could pair up for
all the exercises.

Yes. Together. Paired up.

Sorry.

Sorry.

I thought I'd call
to double check,

Viktor here is very
concerned already.

You haven't changed
your mind about coming?

What? What did the
kid say again?

Listen...
- Talk to the kid yourself.

Yes, hello?
- Hey, dude.

What? Of course I'll be there.

Yeah, dad, great.

And tell your mom,
I won't be alone.

Mom already knows
you'll bring grandpa.

Grandpa? Tell her,

that I'm coming with
my new girlfriend.

Liar!
- Is that so unbelivable,

that I could have
a girlfriend too?

But mom says...

Mom says, mom says.

Tell her that I'll come
with my girlfriend

and that's it, bye.

You shut up.

Let's get out of here.

Follow me in one minute.

A woman and a top-notch one too.

Let's go, papi.

Stop braking.

She's got multi-coloured hair

and a dress with
a deep cleavage.

Please find her

and tell her that
I'll be there later.

Damn it, damn it.

Sorry. Damn it.

What are you typing?

A hot doctor chick
gave me her number.

What? Huh?

In case the bandage
needs securing.

Damn idiot.

Juta, shit.

Yes, dear?

Wait, wait a moment.

Juta found out we're
not at the cottage.

What do I tell her now?

Give me that.

Hey Juta, this is Andres.

Don't worry, but Mart
is in the hospital.

No, no, no. It's nothing bad.

You know, he has to have his

ding-dongs checked out.

His bottom half
is leaking a bit.

Give me that.
- You mean where?

We're here in the
Jıhvi hospital.

Don't come here.

We're here, we'll
take care of him.

He'll call you back,

as soon as everything is fine.

Wait, give me that.
- Bye.

You could have thought
of something better

than a hospital, really now.

Now let's go find my girlfriend.

Hey, guys.

Juta's parents are coming here.

Where?
- Well, here.

They live near here.

Oh, what do we do now?

Hello, we're here
to see Mart Saag.

I'll check right away.

To see Mart Saag?
- Yes.

His room is over there,

but don't stay for too long,

the patient needs his rest.

I told you that the
cake was a bad idea.

Oh please, stop grumbling.

It's so nice that you came.

We had to go to the market,

but nana thought
it's not fitting,

if you're stuck lying
here in the hospital.

Don't worry, I'll manage,

so go to the market.
- No, no, no.

How could we possibly

leave you lying here alone?

Papi, give me the knife.
- Yes, nana, yes.

How long are they
going to stay there?

Looks like they're here
to spend the weekend.

I'm getting tired, I'd
like to rest now.

So, we need to get rid
of this Chlamydia.

Chlamydia?

Mart boy!

But you're Teodor?

He's our son-in-law
and he's Mart Saag.

Oh, I'm very sorry,

I'll get a new analysis
for you right away.

I can't help being
such a magnet.

You're not a magnet,
you're sick.

So you have trouble urinating.

Well, yeah.

A little, occasionally,
sometimes.

I do a lot of sports

I eat cauliflower and broccoli,

pumpkin seeds.

Hello, we're from the
surgery department,

this is an intern

could we stay and look around?

Yes, please, please.

We're moving through the penis

and the prostate.

It's like an adventure movie.

Indiana Jones in the
lost coal mine.

That's what I thought.

Please turn to your side.

Can you check please,
yes, with a finger?

What? - Go on, young man.

Push it in.
- What, where?

Your finger into
his rear tunnel.

Up yours.
- Okay.

I'll do it myself then.

So.

Lube.

You don't say.

Did you notice the
swollen prostate?

Yes, it's quite large.

It's a benign growth,

but I recommend surgery anyway.

Do we have enough time for that?

We can do it right away,

it's an easy procedure.

Easy, yeah. How
long does it take?

Half an hour. He'll be
home by the evening.

Evening?
- Yes, you can remove your finger.

I'll go check the timetables,

while you remove the
camera from his penis.

Wait, easy, carefully.

What? Is it stuck?

I do not have time to wait.

Wait, dumbass, it hurts.

Ow, ow, you're hurting me!

I've got a jackpot
waiting for me.

A woman I couldn't even dream of

but now I'm here instead

touching some idiot's
ass and willy.

Wait.
- Wait, wait.

You're going to
tear it off, wait!

Dear lord!

I don't know, it's
bothering me a little,

that we left Mart
behind over there.

Hey, he'll be sedated,

he won't even know
we've gone away.

We'll be back before
they finish surgery.

Here you are.

You can't leave him everywhere.

Yes, Tom, take your
father to the room.

I have to get to Rita,
you understand.

I can take it from here.

This place is nice.
- Yes, it is.

Rita.

It's Andres.

Rita!
- Don't come in!

I know I let you wait
for a long time...

but I broke my finger.

See?

Hold it, hold it!

Don't finish yet!

We're practicing right now.

Get out of here!

Oh.

Ow.
- Give me your hand.

Well, 1, 2, 3.

We're back to square one.
- Ow, damn it.

What are you whining about?

I lost the love of my
life because of you.

I should be whining.

You are though, so
that's all right.

I won't be able to
go to the bathroom

without screaming
my entire life.

Serves you right!
You will scream.

You'll be holding your
willy in your hands

and think about what you
did to my sex life.

What are you doing there? - Huh?

I'll go out for a little jog.

A little?
- Yes, a little.

Since when did you
start jogging?

Is Tom ready? - Tom?

What? You're going
jogging with that woman,

while I've been
abandoned and mocked?

Hey, find yourself someone else,

who is in heat now, eh?

Go, go, go. Go, go, go!

Fuck!

We're starting from
a clean slate.

We'll find you a woman.

You're starting to
ruin all our lives.

This tantric-camp
is the worst place

for finding a woman.

There's always some
hornbag in the way.

We could get rid of
the competition then.

Dear women of this tantric-camp,

you're invited to
Toomas Karjend's

intimate tantric-concert,

where you can hear hits

like "A kiss on the grass",

and "I'm free tonight"
tantric-remixes.

Thanks, thank you everyone.

Tantra-thanks...

The next song is
from my first album.

Maybe most of you
won't remember it...

How much longer are
you going to sing?

Have you completely
forgotten about me?

Yes, yes, but before that,

I want to introduce my
good friend Andres.

Andres has been a big
inspiration to me.

Do you want more? - Ah, yes.

Andres will tell you
about his life,

how he's the godfather
of his ex-wife's kid

and how he cares for
his disabled father.

Andres, please.

I am Andres. Yes, tantric-hello.

He is my handicapped father.

He can't talk at all?
- No.

He doesn't even swear anymore.

You could say, that
he's quiet as a mouse.

Jesus, I thought
you were married.

I am, but sometimes you
have to be able to

look at your marriage
from a distance.

You're a man with a
big heart then, yeah?

Mhm.

Wait, just a moment.

Dad, what are you staring at?

Let's rewind to the point,

where you said I
have a big heart.

That's the way it is,

You spend your whole
life working hard

and someone else comes
to take the glory.

A total...
- Ok, this is not happening.

What?

Wait, you think

that I'm hitting on you? No.

No, but honestly,
you'd have no chance.

What do you mean?

Not that I want to, but wait,

you've only seen me
in borrowed clothes.

No, it's not about the
clothes, sweetie.

You're petty.
- Petty?

And fucking self-centered.

And you're sure it's
not the clothes?

Hey, I'm not interested...

Petty? Self-centered?

Hey, I don't want
to attract gays!

But well, still...

Damn it.

Damn it, Mart!

What are you doing here? - Tom?

The fuck are you doing here?

I'm just in a bush here.

Hanna loves you

and wants to have
children with you.

Wants to, but can't
have them with me.

It's not Hanna's fault,

that you can't have children.

You're a petty and
self-centered guy,

if you let your troubles,

ruin Hanna's chances
to have kids.

Okay, gentlemen, is this a pause

or are we finished here?

Your father!

There's nothing wrong with him.

His chair, his... look!

Relax, he's perfectly fine.

He's on fire, damn it!

Father, damn it!

A sickly need for attention!

Never any peace!

Lord, what happened now?

I can't do it anymore!

I'm not going to the baptism!

You would regret that.

You can all go to hell!

Maybe we should do something?

He'll come out.

Pointless.

Everything is
completely pointless.

Shit, she should have
been here by now.

She better have, for
that kind of money.

How will we recognize her?

I don't know, don't know.

Let's hope everything works out.

She’s Here.
- Here.

Now it's going to get hot.

Hey, that’s her.
- Wow.

Holy shit.

How did we not

spot something like that before?

Hello.

You remind me of someone.

Really?

Sorry, I didn't mean to.

I feel like you're the one,

that I've been looking for.

Are you from the tax-office?

Stop it, loser, she likes you.

You could invite her
with you somewhere.

Take the miss with you.
- To the baptism.

Yeah?
- Yes.

Yes?
- Yeah.

Tell me, what turns
you on about me?

Well, I don't know.

His dazzling personality maybe?

His open-minded attitude?

Don't tell her
what to say, okay?

You tell me.

That's it.

I didn't get those
qualities from you, eh?

Oh, hello son!

Wait for it!

Allow me to introduce,
this is Niina.

Unbelievable, yeah?

Where are mother and Kristjan?

In the tent, preparing
for the party.

Okay, relax.

I'll go and do the rounds,

go and greet people.

Hello, friends.

I'm happy to see you.

Mart, that's enough.
- Huh?

Anne, so...

This is Niina.

Pleasure to meet you.

Where will we put the gift?

By the way, I picked
out the gift.

I'm giga-good at it.
- Okay, okay.

Maybe you can go help Anne?

We'll go set up the
tables with Toomas.

I'm giga-good at
setting up tables.

This place is great,
it's giga-great.

Mart, come.

I just found out,

that I'm in the same
business as Kristjan.

Mart, no one talks
business at a baptism.

Well, yeah.

Wow, princesses.

Look, here's my princess.

Niina, watch and learn.

Wow, let's go. Hello!

And my future Niina. Yes, yes.

This is Andres, Ida's godfather

and my girlfriend, Niina.

Yeah.
- Congratulations.

Stop, my woman, Niina.

Sorry, can I borrow
Andres for a moment?

I already introduced her to you.

Yes, a few times.

I'm happy for you, Andres.

Thank you. Congratulations
on the baptism.

Viktor was so happy,

that you agreed to
be the godfather.

Of course, of course.

I actually wanted to ask you

to hold Ida for a little while,

so she gets used to you
before the baptism.

Or do you not have the time?

Yes, yes, I have
time, of course.

Hold her tight then, yeah?
- Yes, yes.

Yeah, yeah.

This is uncle Andres,
your godfather.

Look at how pretty
my girlfriend is.

Yeah, look, Niina.

So cute, so cute.

We met Anne in baby-school.

Such a cute little thing.
Hello, hi.

Will she be baptised too? - No.

We are buddhists.

Buddhists? Salam a leikum...

Damn, totally cold.

Hey, I'm not paying you

to play with your phone here.

I think you told me

to act naturally.

Naturally and in love.

I told you right away,

to take the one
with the big teeth.

Hey, do you need any help?

Thanks, I got it myself.

Yeah, no, I could
do it myself too.

I like both solo

and teamwork.

Tom, what did you tell
her to do?- What?

Definitely not that.

What are you doing?
- I want you.

Dear lord.

She's not going to

fuck over this entire
baptism, is she?

I want you too. Let's
find another place.

Come, come, come.

Let's put you here, shh, shh.

Dad! We need to talk.

Wait a bit!

Your mother asked
me to befriend Ida.

How's that going?
- Very well.

Very well, we're becoming
friends already.

With Niina too.

Go now, hurry, hurry.

Tell them, I'll be there in a minute.
- Okay.

Wait, take this with you too.

Go, go, go!

Hurry, hurry!

Yes...

Shh, shh, quiet, be quiet.

Give uncle Andres
a chance, okay?

Shh, shh, shh.

And... Damn it!

Can't get a moment of peace.

Wait, wait, wait.

Be a good kid now,

uncle Andres just
needs 5 minutes.

For a moment, to do
some adult business.

Okay, four minutes.

I don't know what
can't you understand?

Rejecting touches? That's wrong.

A blowjob at a baptism?
Even more wrong.

It's too complicated.

You need to do
something in between

completely ignoring
and raping him.

It's easy.

If it's so god damn easy,

and you're so fucking
smart, you do it.

Wait.
- Where are you going?

And here's our godfather.

Look, our pastor wants
to talk to you.

Hello, it's a pleasure.

As I understand,you're
the divorced husband

of the child's mother?

Yes.
- It's so great,

that you've found a
place in your heart

for the new family of your son.

Yes, very nice.
- Becoming a godfather

means taking on a lot
of responsibility.

Of course, I... - We now have to

go over the baptising process.

My woman.

Yes, I promise to
tell him about Jesus

and Christ and the Holy Spirit

and everything else and yes.

Good, I'll tell Anne,
that we're ready.

Yeah!

Andres. - Hello, where are you?

We thought we'd
make a quick trip.

Do you know where Niina is?

She's with us, yeah.

She wanted to get new shoes.

The ones she has right
now are exhausting.

Wait, don't tell me
you took the car?

The car, yeah.

Then Ida is with you.

What?
- Ida is in the trailer, damn it!

Dad, the baptism
is about to begin.

Andres, where is Ida?
- Ida?

Toomas and Mart

are taking her around,
in the carriage.

But they took the car?

The car?
- Yeah.

They took the car.
- Where is my child?

Andres, tell me you
didn't leave her,

when you were making
out with your girl.

Alright, I'll bring
her right over here.

What do you mean "half an hour"?

Are you kidding me?

Hey, don't be crazy,
stop messing around.

Drive carefully.

Maybe we should turn around

and take Ida back there?

If we go back
without this Niina,

Andres will blow up
the entire party.

Finally.

Wait, I left the diapers
in the restroom.

I'll be right there.

Go take them with
you, follow me.

Dad, what are you doing there?

I'll be right there,
I forgot to shave.

Come, uncle Andres
will make you pretty.

Sorry.

We have gathered here today,

to baptise little Ida.

Could we wait a
little bit longer,

for my girlfriend to get here?

She went to buy new shoes.

Okay, okay. Let's start.

Could you unwrap her a little,

so we could see the
baptismal dress?

Well, of course.

Can't do any more,
she'll get cold.

Your father is a
little overprotective.

Andres, do you swear,

to reject Satan and
his handiwork?

No.

What? Yes, of course, yeah.

And to serve only
the almighty God?

Sorry.

We have a little emergency.

Ida.

She did a number two.

Kristjan has probably

put her diapers on wrong.

I'll be right back.

Shh, shh, shh.

Is everything okay?

Yeah.

The sun was shining onto her.

I pushed her to the
shade, it's all okay.

Sleeping like a log.
- I'll take a look.

Don't look. You'll wake her up.

Let's go back. Ida is fine too.

Go, go, go.
- Okay.

Everyone is waiting.
- Yes, go, go.

Idiot!
- What?

Me, not you!

I forgot the pacifier, you go.

Tell them we'll be right there.
Go, go.

That didn't take long.

And we're back, Ida and me.

Do you believe in Jesus Christ,

the only son of our Lord,

who has suffered under
Pontius Pilatus,

been crucified, died

and arisen again
on the third day

and who sits on the
right hand of God,

his almighty father,

to judge over those

both living and dead?

Is that a trick question?

I'm sorry?

I'll just say "yes."

Yes.

Because we believe
in the Holy Spirit,

the Holy Christian Church,
the Holy Trinity,

the forgiving of sins,

the resurrection of flesh

and eternal life.

It's just warm enough.

What did you agree on?

I'll pay her another
200 an hour.

What is the name of the child?

Niina.

I'll ask again.

What is the name of this child?

The name of this
child should be...

Ida.

I baptize you in the name

of the Father, Son and Holy Spirit.
Amen.

Whoa?

Your dress is covered in hair.

Before you return the
child to the parents,

I'll mention the
obligations as godparents.

I have to give the
child back then?

Yes, I'm sure they'll
be happy about it.

Yes.

Sorry.

Take it, take it.

Give me, give me.
- Wait, what?

Wait, wait.

Wait.
- What are you doing?

What are you doing? Dear lord.

The hat.

Yes.

May the Lord bless you
and care for you.

May the Lord smile upon you

and be merciful to you. Amen.

Damn, you did it, dummy.

What's that supposed to mean?

Ah, no, that's okay.

It's for the new
shoes, the payment.

She's got the same old shoes on.

Does she?

What did you pay her for?

She's a prostitute?

No, not really, well...

In what way then? - Hey, Andres,

stop it, there are
people here...

My girlfriend is a prostitute.
- Relax.

A prostitute girlfriend!
- Easy, easy.

This is my card,
name, phone number.

And by the way, I
do couples too.

You bastards.
- Relax, relax.

Kristjan will think
that you've gone mad.

Afraid that I'll ruin
your career chances?

Screw the career,

I'm worried about
you, you moron.

Andres!

Ida was just baptised
and you're yelling.

Ida didn't get baptized.

Ida was in the car
with these idiots,

as they went shoe
shopping for the hooker.

I'm not to blame,

that these two let me down.

Of course it's your fault,

it's because you're
just so dumb.

Can't feel worthy
without a woman.

Want me to say why that is?
- Well?

It's because this man over here,

has never cared
about anyone else.

What do you want to do now?

It's a bit late for
him to change now.

He can't even turn
around anymore.

Why is everything so
fucked up for me?

You're no better than
your own father.

Now he hates you just as much,

as you hate your father.

Viktor, wait!

I regret everything!

I'm sorry! Viktor!

Wait, I'm sorry!

I regret everything!

Viktor!

I promise I'll always
be there for you.

Everything is alright.

Viktor...

Damn it!

Everything is fine.

I understand, if
you hate me now.

I don't hate you.

I just think,

that you are a terrible father.

Maybe we can get
the parson back,

to get Ida actually baptised?

No, that's a bad idea.

Maybe...

I'll leave everything as it is.

Let's do something together.

Let's go to the countryside!
No, hiking!

Just the two of us.

Or even better,
let's go fishing.

Father and son. Let's
put on the waders

and make porridge and
watch the sunrise.

Look, here they are.

Quiet, shh.

Wait.

You think so? Let's do that.

Grandpa thinks,

that I should give
my monkey to Ida.

Monkey-Later

has belonged to all the
kids in our family.

Give your little sister a kiss.

Let's take grandpa too.

The leakage has
moved up here now.

So Aksel won’t need
that thing anymore?

Maybe Hanna and I can have it?

Take it.

Tom, listen.

Can I be the godfather
of your child too?

You're all a bunch
of real shitheads.

I've got friends here.

Oh jeez.
- What is it?

Did you shave everything
off down there?

If you shave, you will score.

You won't get any
action with your bush.

A class reunion is
the kind of event,

where you'll get the girl,

who you didn't get back then.

Oh jeez.

I won't lay in that defiled bed.

You know what you need? Revenge.

Did you want to say something?
- No, no.

You're a free woman,
you do what you want.

I'm happily married.

I can sew my own
buttons, fix my socks.

I'll scrub pots and pans.

I could take up
knitting if I had to.

But are you a virtuoso in bed

or do you just do old
people stuff there?

Get started now!
- Fuck you, shorty.

No women that tall
will call me "shorty"!

You know, in your age, guys,

you could start thinking about

making sure your life
isn't too exciting.