Kitty Mammas (2020) - full transcript

Oh, sorry,
I'm looking in the wrong spot.

I keep getting confused
whether I...

I'd look there or that your...
I'll look at your eyes. Okay.

Sorry, uh, the...
The trial, yes... Um...

I'll admit that the feasibility
of gestating kittens

in a human womb
wasn't my first choice, but...

It makes
people happy and...

that's the most important thing.

And well...

- needs must.
- When the devil drives.

What?



Needs must
when the devil drives.

That's the rest of the saying.

Who is your devil,
Dr. Han?

Well, I wouldn't say
there's a devil per se.

What would you be
studying if you had the choice?

Oh, human infertility solutions.

That's what I specialized
in before.

Before the trial.

What prompted you
to change your...

I'm sorry, am I interrupting?

She told me
I could just come in.

Will?

Uh, no. Yes, come in.

Uh, it's fine. It's...



- You look well.
- I, uh...

Thank you.

I'm glad after everything...

I mean, I'm just glad you
landed on your feet.

Thanks. Um...

So, uh, what brings you here?

A colleague showed me the ad
you published about the trial.

I'm here to apply.

Oh, I'm sorry, Theresa.

I know you like animals,

but I'm afraid we already have
our participants lined up.

Well, I don't
wanna be in the trial,

I wanna help you run it.

You're gestating animals,
right?

You're gonna need someone
with veterinary experience.

Uh, Dr. Theresa MacKenzie...

- not Blackburn?
- No,

- I went back to my maiden name.
- Oh.

Ugh, I'm sorry, Theresa.

I really appreciate you
coming out, but...

I'm afraid that
it wouldn't be appropriate.

I know we have a history,

and some of it is not optimal,

but well,
I just wanted to see you,

you know,
and I tried calling you,

but you wouldn't pick up.

And this is the only path
you left open.

I really missed you too.

Well, it's just...

We already have
a vet tech on staff.

Oh!

I really am very sorry.

It's okay.
I can see myself out.

My apologies, ladies.

I'm Dr. William Han.

I will be
facilitating this trial.

Has everyone had a chance to...
find the coffee?

Oh, yeah. Got two cups.

Is it normal to have
shaking hands at this point?

Oh, okay.
Someone just cut me off.

- Please take that away.
- Thank you.

Thank you.

Okay. Well,
let's get down to business.

Has everyone had a chance
to read over the contract?

- Yes.
- Yeah.

Basically, the agreement is
you four will be participating

in a three month medical
trial, during which time

you will be impregnated
with a cat fetus

and carry it to term.

Once you've given birth,

you'll be paid $20,000.

And if everything
checks out,

be able to keep the kitten.

Does anyone have any concerns
they'd like to bring up?

Yes. Mrs. LaPointe.

Since we're only
carrying one fetus,

are we gonna show much?

No. The average weight of a
newborn kitten is about 100 grams.

- That's about the size of a bar of soap.
- Awesome.

Why did I want to
take part in the trial?

Well, my husband and I
talked about having another kid

but a cat just seemed easier.

Don't get me wrong.
I love my kids. I do.

But they are a lot.

Amen, sister.
Roll up your sleeve.

Like Tom and I
work from home, and that's great

in terms of not having to
pay for childcare,

but it's just not so great
in terms of,

they just seem to get in
every space that they're in.

Just wait until they're 28, and
they don't leave the basement.

Little poke.

Anyway, um,

I just thought it would be nice
for the boys to have a pet

to play with, you know.
Teach them some responsibility,

and keep them entertained and,

keep them out of our hair.

Oh, and also, we get to go to
Disneyland with the money.

Just like we always wanted.

20,000, you might be able to
stay there for the whole day.

However, your uterus is
a little bit bigger than a cat.

So, there's a possibility
the kitten might grow bigger.

But to the untrained eye,
you will not be visibly pregnant.

That's great, because in
subsection A,

in paragraph four, it does say
we're to keep our condition

a secret, except for the adult
members of our households

who are willing to sign a
non-disclosure agreement

on pain of forfeiting the entire
stipend for the trial.

That's correct,
Ms. Castellano.

And did you know that one in
18 Canadian hospital patients,

experience harm from
preventable errors

due to the medical staff?

Amateurs.

You really try, you can get it
up to one in five.

Okay. I'm gonna need you
to put down the syringe

because I consented to blood
draws today. Not an injection.

Fine. Spoilsport.

All right kid. Give me your arm.

Anyway. Sorry. Where was I?

Oh, why am I doing the trial?

- Money.
- Yes!

Finally A woman
after my own heart.

Oh, I'm trying to retire
on a nurse's salary

and I've got a failure to launch
whose butt is permanently

glued onto my basement couch.

- What about you?
- Law school.

Why don't you just
leech off your parents?

All the cool kids are doing it.

Oh, Dad's dead and mom,
let's just say she...

Is not keen on having
a lawyer in the family.

What, is she from Bizarro World?

Just wait. You'll see.

Oh wait!
We can't tell anybody?

I tell everybody everything.
That's like my job.

Can you explain to
the old guy how a vlog works?

- Miss Prescott?
- Rose. Thank you.

I'm not like some
spinster aunt or anything.

Well, okay, maybe I'm
heading in that direction.

Rose, I can assure you
that 46 is

plenty young enough to be
familiar with YouTube.

And I'm aware that you make
your career online.

Now I'm not asking you to
keep it a secret forever.

Just until the trial is over.

You should feel free to record
your impressions for later posts

but I'm gonna have to ask all of
you for complete confidentiality

so that we don't skew
the results of the trial.

Um, if this is supposed to be
such a big secret,

why is there a TV crew?

Why did I want to do the trial?
It's a good question.

My fiancee loves cats, but

if I'm being honest, it's partly a
way to appease my mom a little bit.

She wants me to have human kids,

not cats. But...

This is a much as Jennifer and I
are willing to compromise.

I'm sure she'll be thrilled.

Or the reason is that it be nice
to have $20,000.

Our wedding's
in six months,

and damn,
that stuff is not cheap.

Even with Jennifer's company
doing the catering at cost,

yikes!

And my mom is really religious.

So she wants the full spread,
the church, the dinner reception

in the works and
our family is huge.

Look on the bright side.

If you're super religious mother
finds out you let a doctor

turkey baste a kitten
into your womb,

you'll probably have a few less
mouths to feed at your shindig.

FTV,
the Feline Television Network.

Oh, my God. FTV.

One moment, please.

Rose Prescott.
Professional cat lady.

The reason
I'm doing the trial is,

Mr. Poof and I,
he's my cat.

We've been thinking about adding
another full time

member to our family
for a while now.

And this is just a great
opportunity to have

one who's like, really ours,
you know?

I mean, Mr. Poof,
he donated his genetic material,

so it's just gonna be so special
to have our own little kitten.

Wait, so, you are literally
having your own cat's baby?

Yeah. I mean,
he's like my life.

Anyways, we're also
hoping to expand

our fostering operation in...

into a full-blown
adoption center.

And with the
$20,000 and...

whatever donations we get from
the publicity of the trial,

uh, we should be
able to do that.

Then you could become a crazy
cat lady for real.

Damn straight.

And only then can you call me
Ms. Prescott.

FTV,
the feline television network,

has graciously agreed
to partially fund

this trial in exchange for
exclusive documentary rights.

But due to editing and
processing time,

the documentary won't be
released until several months

after the trial,

at which point you should have
settled back into your regular lives.

I trust this shouldn't be
a problem for any of you.

Okay, well,
if there's no other concerns,

please sign
and date at the bottom.

And Pauline Kennedy, our nurse

will take you into the
examination room

one of the time and run
your initial bloodwork.

- What's up, guinea pigs.
- Uh, Pauline...

I thought,
we agree that patients

was the preferred nomenclature
for the participants

- of our trial.
- Whoops.

So which one of you
wants to get stabbed first?

Why did I want to do this
trial? One word: money.

I don't give a shit
about cat gestation.

Tyler, Your turn.

Uh, me?

My name is...

Tyler Ferguson.

I work for Dr Han. Like...

Doing the cat stuff.

What was the question again?

Why do you wanna
work on this trial?

Oh, Uh...

I don't know, man.

Are you high
right now, Tyler?

No.

- Jett, honey, you're home.
- Hey, Mom.

Hey. I see you brought
the camera crew. Hi, guys.

Sorry about the mess. Just put
anything anywhere you find some room.

By the way, Mom, you know,
I prefer it when you call me Joan.

Yes, I do know that.

But your father and I
called you Joan Jett,

so that we could call you Jett.

Joan was just
to please his mother.

And, you know, I prefer
when you call me Sunshine.

I know, now that I'm an adult,

you don't wanna be defined
by just one life role.

I will get used to it.

Yes, you will. And by the way,

I've got your new easel set up.

So come on into the art studio.

Mom, I don't feel like
painting. Sorry.

I have to study.

Study?

Honey,
law school is just not for you.

We talked about this.
Those graduate schools just

stifle your creativity.

I'm not creative.

I don't have
a creative bone in my body.

I'm not gonna make
a living in the arts.

First of all,
you don't know that.

And secondly,
it's what your father wanted.

He wanted me to have choices.

Can you just help me
out a little bit?

I know that dad left money
for my education.

Yeah, sure. Of course.

- Yeah?
- Yeah. Okay.

Okay. Amazing.

I mean, as long
as you're going to art school.

Honey, your father fought
long and hard against

his conservative family so that
he could make a career in art,

and I just don't want to see
you throw all of that away

so you can
have some high paying job.

You know what? Just forget about it.
It's all good.

Hi.
I'm Sunshine Castellano.

I'm Jett... Joan's Mother.
Sorry.

So, yeah, our family is...

Just the two of us now, Um...

My partner, her father Desmond,

passed away from bone cancer
four years ago, and...

It's just the two of us.

Okay. Do you support
where Joan's headed right now?

Oh, yeah.
I totally support Joan.

I think I'm very supportive.

I mean, you know,

she's very young.

She doesn't really know
what she wants yet.

I mean,
she'll figure it out, though.

Of course she'll...
You know, she'll...

Figure out her
artistic creativity

and where she fits in, and,

eventually we'll be doing
art shows together,

and it'll be amazing. Yeah.

Great. Hi, everyone.
Welcome. Come in.

Can you leave your shoes
in the hall there?

Because Tom will complain if
you wear them in the house.

Excuse me. Jaden.

You give
your brother his ball back.

No, don't hit. Go upstairs
you're grounded till supper.

Sorry about that. Um...

- Tom! This is Tom.
- Hi.

Sorry. I was just vacuuming
the neighbor's driveway,

I mean, it's ridiculous.

You must be Sylvia's
documentary friends.

Yes. Tom, this is Lyndie. She's
part of the documentary crew

I was telling you about.

The documentary on
life work balance?

Yes. Lyndie.
It's nice to meet you.

I'll stay out your way.
If you need... shoes.

Okay. So I will get out
of you hair.

- Dinner at six.
- Thank you.

- Okay.
- Love you.

Love you.

My name is Tom LaPointe.

I have an accounting business,

which I run out of my...

Home office.

I share parenting and
housekeeping

responsibilities with my wife.

And I know, a lot of guy
guys would, um...

You know, complain about
that kind of thing.

But for me,
it's something that I...

Can we put a pin in
this for one second?

Just a couple more questions.

Uhh. Okay.

I really need to check in.

Just how do you
feel about cats?

Um, I am allergic to them.

I hate them.
Don't like them. Um...

Why would you ask me about that?

Um, nope.

Excuse me.

Then Pauline said, "Who wants
to get stabbed first?"

And we all looked at Sylvia.

I mean,
she's already a mom, right?

So it's only fair
she goes first.

You guys are awful.

Are you sure
they're for real?

Maybe they're all sitcom actors
and you're being punked.

No, no, no. Joan made us
read the whole contract.

- It's all legit.
- Well, I'm glad.

You seemed pretty set on it.

Well, you know, I wanted to do
something for us, you know.

Sweetie, you didn't have to get pregnant
with a cat to prove your love for me.

I know.

No, I just wanted to.

My name is
Jennifer Tremblay.

I own my own catering business.

And Maria and I have been
together for four years.

I love cats.

I don't particularly like kids.

And science is cool.

Is that all you need?

Do you anticipate any
problems with the family situation?

- Hello?
- Mom.

That's the situation
arriving just now.

Are you almost ready?

Why don't I just show you?

Mom, Dad, you didn't even
tell me you were coming.

Hi Mark, Gabby.

Hi, Jennifer.

Well, we shouldn't have to remind you
every week when it's time for church.

Mom, I've been out all day, and I haven't
had any time to relax with Jennifer.

Then she should come with us.
The word of the Lord is very relaxing.

Gabby, honey, I think the girls
seem a little busy.

Besides, God knows who
has him in their hearts.

Even if they never step foot
in a church. Right?

I suppose.
But no daughter of mine

is missing out on church
two weeks in a row.

What will people say?

I can't wait until Gabby
finds out about the cat.

So you're asking about my
support system, and here he is.

This is Mr. Poof.

He's a five year-old Maine Coon

who I rescued when he
was six months old,

and we've been inseparable
ever since.

He's my soul mate.

Aren't you?

I used to joke that if there was
ever like

an experiment to become a cat, I
would be the first one in line.

Seriously, like I would have
lined up in front of a lab,

like a nerd on Star Wars day
to get in there.

So this is like,
the next best thing.

Oh, Mr. Poof, you're gonna
be such a good cat papa.

Aren't you? Yeah.
Oh, I can't wait.

The secrecy
is killing me, though.

I am so excited,

that if I don't share my joy
with somebody soon,

I am going to explode.

And sorry, but you guys,

you just don't count. I mean,
you're not even technically there. So.

Ouch.

Oh, excuse me a moment.

Hey, kitties, we're back.

So Mr. Poof and I have been having some
really deep and hypothetical thoughts.

Like entirely hypothetical.

So, hypothetically speaking,

if you could give birth
to a baby kitten,

would you do it?

Hit me back in the comments.

You did so good.
You are so handsome.

Look even his butt's handsome.

So, Mr. Poof,
do you prefer dry or wet cat food?

This is stupid.

They told you to interview my support
person. This is my support person.

Yeah, he's a cat. He can't talk.

Just do it.

So, Mr. Poof, how do you feel about your
person being involved in this trial?

Well, there you have it.

Mr. Poof is a realist.

He'll believe it when he sees it
but he is very supportive.

You're nuts.

Pauline!

- You scared me.
- Progress.

Don't even have a needle today.

- What do you want Pauline?
- There's some guy in the lobby who wants to see you.

And here he is right now,

because apparently he doesn't
understand the meaning of "Wait here."

Freedom of the press,
sweetheart.

You can't keep me out.

You're gonna have freedom of my foot up
your ass if you call me sweetheart again.

Is that a threat?

Because I'm recording this whole thing.
I could have you arrested.

Oh, you're recording. Great.

Let the record show that
this dumb ass

thinks freedom of
the press means

he can trespass on
private property

and record people
without their consent.

Let go of me or I'll have you
charged with assault.

Try it. I'd love to hear you
explain to the cops

how you got in here
in the first place.

It's okay, Pauline. I got this.

That's all right.
I'm used to ejecting scum.

Used to work
as a bouncer in college.

No, really, I'll handle it.

Okay. Whatever you say.

Bye bye, sweetheart.

- Did you just see that?
- See what?

Nothing.

What do you want, Darryl?

So a little birdie told me that

you're starting a new trial.

- So what?
- So how the hell did you get approval for a new trial?

Because I'm
a licensed professional

and made a sound case to
the medical ethics board

and my financial backers.

So you lied to them?

No, Fitzgerald, but you wouldn't
know good science

if it came up and bit
you in the ass.

Actually, offence.

That was totally an insult.

You watch it, Han.

Or I'll get this trial
shut down.

Why? It has nothing
to do with you.

It does when you're trying
to hire my wife.

Your relationship
or lack thereof,

is none of my business.

You're snooping on behalf
of your own interests,

and I've had enough.

My personal life is
none of your business.

My work is
none of your business.

Get out of my office.

It was a mistake
to cross me, Han.

Or didn't you learn that
from the last time?

I learned plenty from last time.

Including how to file
a restraining order

against someone
who's harassing you.

Now, should I call the police

or do you wanna leave
under your own power?

You'll regret this.

- Out of my way.
- Chill out, man.

Hey, I see,
you're wearing scrubs.

You part of this trial?

Maybe.
Am I in trouble?

Not as much as trouble
as Han's gonna be in.

- What?
- Nothing. Say, I was wondering,

how do you feel about
the genetic modifications

that Han is
using in this trial?

- Genetic modifications?
- Like GMOs.

It's not what
this trial is about, is it?

I don't know. Is it?

Oh, man.

I better go find out.

Dr. Han, I got to talk to you.
I'm like,

freaking out.

What is it this time, Tyler?

Dude. Dr. Dude.

Are those kittens GMOs?

Well, in the most
technical sense of the word.

Yes.

Well, they've been modified
to survive in the human womb.

We've tweaked them

so that their dander doesn't
aggravate people's allergies.

Why?

Oh, man. Oh, man.

GMOs are bad news.

Don't you watch
documentaries, man?

Only those based
on actual science.

You shouldn't joke
around about that stuff, man.

It's like chemicals.
It's bad for you.

I should point out
that the THC

that you're so found of
is a chemical.

Don't try to change
the subject, man.

Cannabis is natural and legal.

Man. If I knew what we
were really doing here,

I would have never
have taken the job.

What are you talking about?

I mean, I quit.

Well, crap.

- You want some?
- I'm good.

Okay. More for me.

You can just dive into
it, if you're okay.

That's fantastic. Um...

I'm just really happy that
you decided to

cover all sides of story here

because there's
a lot of things

that you don't know about.

Is there?

Why don't you to tell us about
your relationship with Dr. Han?

That bastard's tryin'
to steal my wife

- Stoner boy quit?
- Yep.

Bummer. I never understood how
that kid made it through

vet tech school to begin with.

You are a fountain of
inspiration as always.

See what I just heard there was,
"Wah-wah."

If only I knew another vet
who needed a job and

wanted to jump my bones so badly
that she would never quit.

Pauline, I don't know
how you knew this, but,

you're a genius.

I'll expect to see your
appreciation on my next paycheck.

Yeah.

Triple score.

- Hello.
- Hello.

May I speak to Dr. MacKenzie,
please?

This is the Han Clinic calling.

This is she.

This is Dr Han calling.

We spoke the other day about
your application

to work on my clinical trial?

- Yes.
- Well, a position has just opened up on my staff

and I was wondering if
you were still interested.

Will, of course I am.
I mean, Dr. Han.

I can begin at your
earliest convenience.

Splendid.

I'm really glad you came.

We're doing the implantation
at 9.30 tomorrow morning.

If I email you
the documents now

will that give you enough time
to catch up?

No problem. See you tomorrow.

Welcome aboard,
Dr. MacKenzie.

It's implantation day.

Is everyone excited?

I am. I get to haul out
my biggest needle.

Pauline!

You're scaring the patient.

It's okay. Dr. Han.
Pauline and I are cool.

Yeah, we have a secret deal
to split the profits

of the malpractice suit.

Will, they're just having
fun with you. Relax.

- That's it?
- For now.

What's next?

Next we wait for implantation
to take place.

Once that happens, you might
feel a little pinch.

After that,
symptoms might include

lethargy, nausea, mood swings.

Don't forget to record everything
you feel in your journal.

"Dear diary, today,

"I feel a creeping sense
of ennui

"brought on by your increasingly
divisive political climate."

Uhh. I might not be the right kind of
doctor to help you with those symptoms.

"Also, I want a cookie."

That we can help with.

Score!

They're not Jennifer's,
but, they'll do.

Why did I want to
work on this trial?

There's just something about it.

That sense of closeness and
excitement of getting a new pet

and taking care of it.

We're pushing it
to a higher level.

I wanted to be a part of it.

And what about
your relationship with Dr. Han?

Did that play into
your decision as well?

I don't have a relationship
with Dr Han.

Not that
I don't want one, though.

He's just so damn professional.

So professionally speaking,

I believe in him and
what we're doing here.

And I want to
make it up to him.

What happened before.

What happened before?

You'll have to ask Will.
That's not my story to tell.

So how can we at Young Street
Savings and Loan help you today?

I'm here to apply
for a line of credit

to pursue my education.

Okay. Do you have any existing
loans from school?

Just some from my undergrad.

Okay, well, let's just take
a look at your credit,

shall we?

Oh!

I see.

I'm aware that my debt load
might be quite high

at the moment, but this loan
is for law school.

So I fully anticipate a high
paying income on the other side

so I can make my
payments in full.

The interest rate on your
existing loans is quite high.

You weren't able to get
a government loan?

No, unfortunately,

my parents income was too high
for me to qualify.

May I ask what your parents
do for a living?

My mother is an artist.

- Really?
- Yes.

They don't all live
hand to mouth, you know.

Oh, no, I didn't mean
to imply that, uh...

Well, at any rate, she wasn't
able to help you.

No, it was more of a
philosophical issue

than a financial one.

I see.

Well, Ms. Castellano,
I'll be frank.

The only way the bank would be
willing to take a risk on you

is if you could get someone
such as your mother,

to co-sign the loan.

I understand, but I have
a business plan

that, um...

I have a plan that...

I'm so sorry.

It's okay.

We were done here anyway.

Okay. More purple.

Yes, but yesterday
you said less,

so I just wanna make sure it's just
not a different purple that you want.

More of the same purple. Sure.

Yes, Absolutely. No problem.

I'll have it ready for you
for tomorrow morning.

No, thank you.

Oh, Tom, you don't need
to clean up there

because you did that yesterday,
and so it can't be dirty.

Yeah, it's okay. I don't mind.

So how is the work-life
balance going today?

Hm?

Oh, that's good. Yeah, right.

Like I just had a conversation
with a client.

And then now I'm I am picking up
Noah in 20 minutes.

So that's good. It's going on.

Okay. Okay, great.

If you need any
help or anything,

another interview, maybe,

just, you know, hello.

- Whatever.
- Okay.

Can I get you a yogurt, my lady?

No, thank you, sir.

Okay. Hey, guess
what I found?

- Ta-daa!
- Aww.

Mr. Wrinkles.

So crisis averted.

- Okay. Love you.
- Love you.

I know what you're thinking.

But hear me out, okay? I only
lied about the documentary

because he's allergic to cats
and he read this article online

about how hypoallergenic cats
weren't a real thing.

But once he meets our actual
hypoallergenic bundle of joy,

he's gonna be so happy.
He wouldn't care that I lied.

You should have seen his face
when our boys were born.

He totally cried.

So yeah,
it's like more like a...

Surprise gift than a lie.

Yeah, if you think about it.

Right?

More purple. Okay.

My mom? Oh, she's great.

She's really always...

Around.

She's a nightmare.

She's one of those people
that criticizes everything

but pretend she's not,
so you can't call her on it.

My parents love Jennifer.

Even after I told my mom
I was gay,

she still always thought I'd get
married and have kids

just like my sister.

She's a little stuck
on the kids part, but,

she'll come around.

She just wants me to be happy.

She wants us
to have babies.

For my birthday,
she bought me a book.

The Joys of Fertilization.

I don't know how
she'll react to the pregnancy,

but it doesn't matter, right?

Because the whole
thing is a secret.

We can just tell her we
adopted it from a shelter.

I don't know if Maria forgets that
this is going to air eventually,

but hell might
actually freeze over

before Gabby is cool
with her childless daughter

poppin' a kitten
out of her lady garden.

Oh, Mr. Poof, it's already over
1,000 comments on our last video.

Here let's see.

Oh, this is a pretty
representative sample.

Okay, Catlover281,

"I would give every dollar I own to give
birth to my own squadorable kittens!"

Oh, my God.

See? And then there's this row of
emojis with hearts for the eyes.

Aww!

Oh, this one...
This one, Poofs, right?

Anonymous.

"If I could go back
and do it again,

"I would have kittens
instead of kids.

"I love my kids as people,
but I only had them because everybody said

"I should do it before
I got too old or I'd regret it.

"But now, my husband and I haven't
been on a date in six years,

"I'm chronically sleep-deprived,
and everyone knows me now

"as my kid's mom
instead of my own person.

"I think I ruined
my life."

Shit, that's some
heavy stuff, man.

Man, that is such
bullshit, you know?

I mean, if people
don't wanna have kids,

then they shouldn't
have to have kids.

Like get your brains
out of the 1950s, people!

That's one of the reasons
this trial is so important.

I know that it seems like this goofy
vanity project at first glance,

but that shit is all about
looking good for somebody else,

because there's just
this idea that it's women,

that's what we're
supposed to do.

But this isn't for anybody
else, this is for us.

And more choices for women
is always a good idea.

Traitor! Your farts are way
worse, you stink demon!

Can you just edit
the last bit out?

I'm sorry, I just feel like I took
the sting out of my rant there.

Thank you.

Hey, sweetie, you look like
you can use this.

- Thanks.
- You're welcome.

So,

what's up?
What happened?

I got turned down for a loan.

Oh.

I'm sorry.

You know what, babe?
Maybe it's for the best.

No, it's not for the best.

I really, really wanna
go to law school.

Look, can you just...

You don't have to
give me Dad's money,

but can you just
co-sign with me for a loan,

so that I can do it and...

And I'll pay you back

or I'll... I'll pay it myself.

Wow.

You seem really determined.

I am.

Like,

how can I make you understand?

Sweetie, I feel the same way.

I mean, how can I
make you understand?

Do you know how free
and fulfilled you will feel

if you just
let yourself try art?

Okay.

If I tried art and I
was terrible at it,

then would you then co-sign
with me for a loan, please?

Okay,
well, if you tried it,

and you had no talent,
whatsoever...

Okay, then it's a deal.

- Sincerely try it?
- Yes.

But you have to
shake on it.

- You promise?
- I promise.

Okay. Yes!

All right, so now,
we're talkin'!

All right, I got a list here.

Here we go.

There's a paint night tomorrow,
a knitathon on Saturday.

Ooh, we'll go to a weaving
workshop next weekend.

And pottery.
Oh, you'll love that class.

Okay, this is crazy,
paint by numbers, however...

So, week two, ladies.

How is everyone feeling?

Nauseated at the worst times
and not in the morning either.

I thought this was called
"morning sickness".

I know, right? I've been moaning
and groaning like a little old lady.

My back is killing me
and it can't be the kitten.

It... it's like the size
of a gumdrop.

Oh my God, I would kill
for gumdrop right now,

but I would stink up
this entire room.

Mr. Poof won't even
sleep with me anymore.

What the heck?

I don't have a kitten in my bowels.

I can so tell you guys have
never been pregnant before.

My head's killing me and my
moods are all over the place,

so if Tom even sneezes
at the wrong moment,

I'm just... I'm liable
to rip his head off.

But that's par for
the course for me.

I smashed an entire dish set
when I was pregnant with Jaden.

Wait, no, so this is normal?

I'm afraid so. All the symptoms
you guys have been describing

are common in both feline
and human pregnancies.

Now, some of the symptoms
may abate as the pregnancy

progresses or stay
the same or get worse.

So you're basically saying that you
have no idea what's gonna happen.

This is an experiment.
We're trying to find out what's happening.

Uh, if you want a resource,
I printed out a handout

of the common symptoms during
each stage of the pregnancy.

Fever, swollen boobs,
uh, constipation, random crying.

And people wonder why
I don't wanna have kids.

It ain't for the faint of
heart, that's for sure.

I don't see it on here,
but does anybody else get a weird impulse

to drink milk out of the dish?

No, I'm dead serious.

Page 3, food cravings.

Oh, shit.
Maybe that's why I wanted to

rub up against my mom
when she was cooking fish.

- No.
- Okay, this is weird.

This is really weird.

- That's not normal.
- Excuse me, this is... Darryl?

- Hi, Theresa.
- Who's that?

- How did you get in?
- I know the super.

Yeah, now you don't.
This is a private clinic. You get lost.

Can't prevent me from
speaking to my own wife, Han.

Well, maybe I can't,
but the restraining order can.

Ex. Ex-wife, Darryl.

You have no right to show up
here and interfere with my life!

- Yeah.
- Tell him.

And there are serious consequences
to breaching a restraining order!

You heard her.
Beat it.

This isn't over.

I will not have you interfering
in our marriage any longer.

Oh, I'm so sorry, everyone.

It's not your fault. Only Darryl's
responsible for his own actions.

- What he said.
- Yeah, this is not on you.

What a little wiener, though.

- Oh.
- And I can definitely help you

report this to
the police if you want.

Thanks, everyone.
I think I just wanna go home.

I think I'm gonna have a nice
civil conversation with our super.

I'm so sorry.

Hey, it's okay.

Oh, he's cute.
Is this from the sew-a-thon?

Yeah.

Do you think your mom
would make me one?

Oh God. If you tell
her you like her stuff,

she will not stop
making you stuff.

It's perfect.

What about that one?

Oh, this?

It's my attempt at a cat.

Hate to break it to you...

That I have no talent?

- I wasn't gonna say that.
- Yeah, it's shit, I know.

Trust me, I know.
It's just my mom you need to convince.

Okay, anyway, so how
does this sound?

For sale, one purebred
hypoallergenic kitten, price $1,500.

You just... You can't just say purebred
though, you have to see the breed.

Okay, what's the breed?

It's Maine Coon.

Okay, "One purebred
hypoallergenic

"Maine Coon kitten,
price $1,500."

Price is a bit high, but people are
crazy, someone will go for it.

But you also have to
say when it's available,

otherwise people are gonna think
that you have it now.

Right. Uh, okay,
"Available in two months."

Is that a weird amount of time?

How long are cats
even pregnant for?

Eight weeks.

So basically putting it up there
as soon as you got knocked up.

Cool.

Are you sure you want to
give them away, Joan?

I'm not giving it away,
I'm selling it.

And yes, I'm sure.

Besides tuition down payments are
due in a couple of months and...

my mom is not gonna
come around any time soon.

Well, we can always do a GoFundMe or something.

You have choices
if you want them.

I know. I know.

But I know what I want,
and what I don't want,

and you know, I'll pet other people's
cats, but I don't want one for keeps.

Besides, how many people
out there would love to have it?

It'll just have a much better
home with somebody else.

Fair enough.

Oh,

maybe we can
sell him next.

- No.
- Okay.

We have a dishwasher,
you don't need to wash 'em by hand.

The dishwasher doesn't do
a great job of caked-on food.

Sometimes you need to prewash,
sometimes you need to scrub.

Okay, whatever you say.

You're making a mess.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I'm just gonna warn you that
I'm feeling very hormonal today

and I cannot guarantee
the safety of any limbs

that encroach my personal space.

- Ugh.
- Do you wanna do it?

You know what?
I wouldn't mind.

Okay, then I will just go and I'll...
I'll fold some laundry

Oh, uh...

What?

It's just

I have never been comfortable

with the way that
you fold socks.

Okay,

I'm going upstairs.

Tom does so much around the house.

I always laugh when
my girlfriends complain

that their husbands
put away one dish

and expect an engraved
thank you card, and I'm like,

Oh my gosh, I wish
I could get near the dishes.

Tom's so perfect, isn't he?

Please, just like
one little recording.

I'm sorry, Rose,
it's confidential information.

But I won't vlog
until after the trial.

No, Facebook, no
Instagram, no Twitter.

No Snapchat?
No YouTube?

- No, I promise.
- No LiveJournal?

No MySpace?

What is this?
Early 2000s?

Reddit. Tumblr.

Scout's honor. I will not post
anything until you say so.

You were a scout?

I was a brownie

for three weeks
in the second grade

and mom made me quit when I
brought a raccoon home from camp.

Thought it was a cat.

Your poor mother.

Oh, please, she still has him.

Buttons.

Well, I see you come by
your obsessions honestly.

Okay, you may
have a copy

of the recording of your
ultrasound on the condition

that you wait until after the documentary
is released before you share it.

Done, yes, deal.
Whoo!

Ready?

Yeah.

Oh, I can't believe this.

There it is.

That's the heartbeat.

Congratulations.
You have a viable kitten.

Oh my God,
I can't believe it.

Hi, Pooflet.
Oh, it's your mommy.

I love you so much.

Oh.

Thanks, guys.

You're gonna be so cute!

Thanks so much, guys.
I'm gonna go show Mr. Poof

- right now.
- Oh.

I'll see you next week.

- Take care.
- Bye!

That was something.

Yeah.

You know, it's...
It's one thing to say

you're going to pioneer a procedure
to bring people happiness,

and it's another to
look in their eyes,

and see the impact
it's had on their lives.

It's humbling.

That's how I feel
when I look at you.

You're amazing.

The things you can do,
the lengths you go to to help people.

I just wish you'd
give yourself permission

to seek that kind of happiness.

I'm... I'm done trying to fly
under the radar, it's not working.

From now on, I'm gonna go for
it and not just with my work.

Let's go forward together.

See where it takes us.

- And you want $1500.
- Mm-hm.

That's a bit steeper than the other
breeders we were looking at.

Uh, well, you know,
that may be true,

but you know, you're gonna
get your money's worth,

because the kitten
is hypoallergenic.

Oh, that'll be great
for your hay fever, huh?

It's really expensive.

How many kittens are you
expecting from the litter?

Maybe we could take
the runt at a discount.

Um, uh, actually, there's only
one kitten available at this time.

So they're all spoken for?

Uh, yeah, kind of some...
something like that. Mm-hm.

Oh, that's great, hon,
we can snag the last one.

I don't know.

You don't have any
breeder credentials at all.

Will there be a certificate
with the kitten?

Uh, you know, uh, I...
I don't have any credentials to show you,

but I promise you that
everything is above board

and um, I can get you a certificate with
all of that information on there. So...

Well, I'll have to
at least inspect the dame

and the sire as well
if possible.

Um, that's not possible either
right now, actually.

What about her medical records?

Um, I can't show you those either
right now, but, um, uh... Oh.

Oh. Oh, sorry,
I burned myself earlier.

Um, I don't have
any medical records.

Um, but you know what I do have,
I have an ultrasound photo.

They do ultrasounds
for cats now?

Yeah, it's like,
the latest technology.

Oh, look at the little ears.

All right.

We'll purchase the kitten
on the condition

it's inspected by a vet of our choice
before the payment goes through.

That's fair. Totally.

Mm-hm.

Oh, Helen, thank you so much
for having the boys.

Hope they weren't
too much trouble?

No more trouble than my own.

Knock it off or I'm taking it!

Nice.

Um, so...
My place next week?

Sounds great.

All right.

Oh, my gosh, I didn't know
you had a cat!

- Yeah, Jinxy's new.
- Oh.

We got her at the shelter last weekend
after Tucker found a mouse in the garage.

She wasn't here 40 minutes
before she got it.

- Ain't she pretty?
- She's great.

Oh, my gosh. Hi, pretty.
Hi, come here, come here.

Hi. Oh, my gosh,
I love you so much.

Oh, my God,
you're so beautiful.

Oh, my God.
Oh, my gosh,

Tom must have been sneezing his face
off when he dropped off the boys.

No, he seemed fine.

Tucker invited him in for a drink
and Jinxy jumped right into his lap.

I didn't know he had allergies.

Oh. Fine then.

Really? That's good.

You know, 'cause um,
Jaden and Noah

have wanted a cat forever, so you
know, maybe now he'll go for it.

Hmm.

Yeah, I don't really know what to make
of Tom's non-allergic reaction to Jinxy.

I mean, he always claimed
he was too allergic

even for those supposedly
hypoallergenic cats,

which you know,
something to do with their saliva, so...

Is it possible
he lied about being allergic?

What? Tom?
No, because no,

he's practically perfect,
so he would never do anything like that.

No.

No, it's probably
more like he...

he grew out of it,
you know.

I mean, I haven't seen him
with a cat since we were...

we met and that was
15 years ago.

So it's... It's probably he thinks he
is, because he was as a kid.

I... I mean, anyway,
it's a good thing, right?

Because if he liked Jinxy,
he's gonna love our kitten.

Right?

You know, you don't actually
have to drink out of that.

Just curious, what's it like to be
bad at literally everything you try?

Frustrating.

Especially when my mom keeps telling
me, "You just need to practice."

Mm-hm.

By the way, are all of these
actually comments on your last post?

- Mm-hmm.
- There's thousands.

- Mm-hmm.
- Well, we've had

a few hundred thousand
views on it,

so that's only a fraction
of the people who have seen it.

Oh. Well, what are
they saying?

"You're the best.
I love all your videos

"and I got my sister
hooked on them, too. Meow."

- Oh.
- That's cute.

Oh, my gosh.

Being pregnant with a cat would be
an abomination against men and God.

Like no one's forcing you
to watch the video.

There's a few killjoys.

More than a few.

You're a slut and any cats that
come out of you would be sluts, too.

Just ignore them.

No, you know what? No way. What this guy
said was low. I'm replying to this asshole.

"Dear sir, please cease and
desist your vile character slurs

"or you'll be hearing
from my lawyer."

Are you crazy?
You cannot post that, you'd start a war.

Well, maybe we need a war.

Oh, well, it wouldn't be
an equal-sided war,

it would just be like
a tidal wave of douchebags

just ripping apart my life
and laying waste to it.

And then I'd have to either like move or
change my name or worse, even go offline.

Really?

Yeah, haven't you
ever heard of Gamergate?

Vaguely.

Well, that's what happens
when women speak out online.

You say anything
even remotely critical

about the whole
dude-centric way of the world

and you have
a shit ton of douchebags

who you have never even met,

just pounce all over
your Twitter

and savage you with
claws made of rape threats,

and then they're acting
like you deserve it.

And then they go ahead,
and they steal your passwords,

and they steal
your illicit tit pics,

and then they share your address
with all the stalkers of the world,

and then the cops still won't do
anything because it's not real life.

So you're saying you have a lot
of illicit tit pics to protect?

That's what you
took away from that?

I'm just kidding.

You should have as many
tit pics as you want.

Well, feel free
to start a movement.

I think we already
have one of those.

Even so. Now,
the websites,

they mainly just like
let it happen, so,

you have to change
all the rules.

Well, why do you think
I wanna go to law school so bad?

All right.

Wow, babe, it looks amazing!

Uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh!

I hope your mother
thinks so, too.

Hello!

Hi.

I'm sure she will.

Uh, Mom.
Who's your friend?

Oh, this is Robert.
His mother goes to church with us.

Pleased to meet you.

Your mother's told me
so much about you.

And this is from my mom.

Oh. Thank you.

Why doesn't
everybody take a seat?

Dinner's almost ready.

Hmm.

So, uh, how's everybody's
week been?

I went to the new exhibit
at the science center.

Oh, that's great, Dad.
What was it on?

Speaking of science,
did you know that heart disease

is the number one killer
in North America?

Robert, is there any history
of heart disease in your family?

Uh, not that I know of, no.

What about family history
of chronic illness?

No, I don't think so.

My grandparents are in their
90s and they're still kickin'.

- Hmm.
- So you won a genetic jackpot then?

Mm. Uh, so, Maria,
your mother told me that you do carpentry.

Did you go to school for that?

Uh, I went to university
for accounting,

but I realized I was wasn't a
boring zombie person like my sister.

- Hmm.
- So I, uh,

quit and went to
trade school instead.

And I still have the first
birdhouse that she made for me.

You know, I always knew you were gonna
do something with your hands, honey.

Robert finished second in his
class at U of T Pharmacy School

I did. Uh, did my mom
tell you that?

You must have
a very high IQ.

Oh, thank you.

Uh, so, Mark,
how was the science center?

Well, it was pretty good.

The exhibit on the black widows
was especially interesting.

Margaret from church told me
that her daughter Claire

was a surrogate for a nice young
gay couple last year.

Said it was
a wonderful experience.

Such a nice thing to do,
help a family in need

who can't have
a child on their own.

God smiles upon
those good deeds.

So, Robert,
how do you know Gabby again?

The wedding is just
a few months away.

Have you started to look
at sperm donors?

No.

We've been pretty focused
on our wedding.

Hmm.

And if you do ask someone
for that type of donation,

it's probably better to do it

with someone who
you've known for a while,

not someone who you
just met at a family dinner.

Did your mom just try to get us
to take that guy's baby batter?

I am so sorry, babe.
She crossed the line.

I'm surprised she didn't show up
with a goddamn turkey baster.

It can't last forever.

She'll come around.

Well, I'm still gonna have to check
the guest list for any more Roberts.

Are you marking me?

No.

Okay, third trimester check in.

How're we feeling?

Weird.

Uh, is anyone feeling
more catlike than usual?

Yeah.

No, this is pretty normal.

Don't look at me.

Is that normal?

Well, since this is
a clinical trial,

we're all kind of
out on a limb.

I wouldn't have expected you

to start exhibiting catlike
traits, but there you have it.

Let me call in Pauline and I'll
get her to take some DNA samples

and I'll see if anything
unusual's happening.

You know, I hate candy corn.

When I was pregnant with Noah,
I craved it like crazy.

And then when he was born, gone.

Guess what?
The kid loves candy corn,

he's literally
the only kid I know

that eats that shit
on Halloween.

So you think maybe
the cats inside of us

that wanna do
these things, not us?

I hope so,
because I don't know

how long I can pretend that
I'm just stretching my leg out

every time I attempt
to butt-licking.

Is that
actually possible?

Not if you're a human.

If you're a contortionist maybe.

All I know is that
this weirdness

is making it really hard for me
to register for my classes.

So your mom agreed to co-sign?

Almost.

I just have two forms
of art left to try,

macrame and glassblowing.

And you're rotten at them all?

Yeah, abysmal. And I'm
not even faking it, so yeah.

Anyways, how's things
with your mom?

Ugh, if anything,
she's gotten worse.

I'm actually worried Jennifer
might up and kill her one of these days.

I'd be more worried about her
up and leaving you.

What did Tom say when you
told him about the cat?

I still haven't actually.

Wait, you haven't told him yet?

He's gonna find out,
he's gonna be pissed at you.

Well, I hope not.
And you know, everyone says

Tom's perfect,
so he'll probably just react perfectly.

Oh, no, there's no such thing
as a perfect person.

And the more perfect they seem,

the harder they're trying and the
bigger the snap when they crack.

Oh. Well, shit.

Yo, guinea pigs,
how's it goin'?

Uh, why is Rose under the table?

It's a long story.

I'd especially like a DNA sample from
her, please, Pauline.

You got it.

Oh, be careful,
she's not feeling well.

Psst-psst.

Who's got
a laser pointer?

There's the laser pointer.

Bad kitty!

I'll be right back.
I have to use the bathroom.

Something wrong, Maria?

No.

I just felt a sudden urge
to find a sandbox.

Expedite those results
for me, will you?

That's a good thing
I'm not allowed to

talk about this with anybody,

because nobody would
believe this shit anyway.

So what are
we doing here so late?

To get some answers.

What do you want, man?
It's 3:00 a.m.

News doesn't sleep, buddy.

Is everything okay?

Is that you, Syl?

Oh, Tom,

I was... I was gonna tell you.

When? When you

came home with a baby cat
that you gave birth to?

I was just waiting
for the right time.

Ugh, I can't believe it.

I can't believe you signed up
for some shady medical trial...

without even
talking to me about it.

It's not shady, okay?

It's the reporter,
he has it out for us.

Syl, it's cats.

Cats. I'm allergic to cats.

Sometimes I feel like

I don't even matter to you.

Are you?

- Am I what?
- Are you really allergic to cats?

'Cause according to Helen,

- you didn't mind Jinxy at all.
- Huh.

And this is after
the boys begged you,

they begged you for a cat
and you told them

you were allergic to even
the hypoallergenic ones.

Syl, I was with Jinxy
for like three minutes.

Bullshit! You lied.

I lied?

Mm-hmm.

I lied.

So what if I lied?

I don't want a...
a drooling, shedding,

scratching, muddy animal
crawling through here.

I mean, I have three slobs
I have to clean up after now.

Slobs?

Now, who doesn't matter?

Syl, that's not what I meant.

Tom, no one asked you to
keep this house spotless, okay?

The world will not come
crashing down around your ears

if we can't eat off
the fuckin' floor!

Don't... don't change
the subject.

You're pregnant.

You're pregnant
and you didn't tell me.

And you guys,
none of you guys told me.

And it isn't even mine.

Oh, God damn it.

Well, I guess there's no point in being
cagey, now that the worst has happened.

God, I'm so sorry, Will.

No, you... You can't
keep blaming yourself.

Every time you
do that, he wins.

He always wins anyway.

Darryl's the reason Will can't
practice human fertility anymore.

After I met Will,
I broke up with Darryl

and Darryl accused
Dr. Han in the papers

of sexually assaulting me.

Charges were
never laid, of course,

but the damage
to his reputation was done.

And now, it's happening
all over again.

Hey, we'll figure
something out, okay?

We won't just
roll over for him again.

Okay.

What
the hell am I supposed to tell

the Cat Fanciers' Association?

You won't have to
tell them anything.

Its parents are purebred cats.

I can even get you the names.

Look, I am just
a surrogate, okay?

I really need the money.

Well, in that case,
you better pray

I don't decide to sue you and your
abominable doctor for false advertising!

You know what?
You won't have a leg to stand on

because nothing I wrote
was a lie.

Well, good for you.

I'm sure you and your furry little
freak will be happy together!

Excuse me?

Hello?

Hey, honey, I'm going to a
quilting workshop, you wanna come?

Uh, no, you know,
I was just thinking

that we could go to the bank
and sign the paperwork.

Oh!

Uh, wow, that's kinda jumping the
gun a little bit, don't you think?

No, I mean, I don't think...

I mean, I've done everything
you've asked, you know?

The paper mache, and the...

the crocheting,
and the wood burning, you know?

Can we just stop the farce now?

Farce?

Wow, so us spending quality time
together was a... a farce?

We weren't spending
quality time, Mom,

I was proving to you
that I'm not an artist.

Okay,
honey, I know you...

You think that, but nobody's
good at it right off the bat.

Sweetheart, you just have
to find your discipline

- and then just...
- You were never serious, were you?

You were never
gonna co-sign with me!

You were just tricking me into
taking all of your stupid classes!

Stupid?

Oh, wow!

So your mind
is as closed as hers was?

- I am not my grandmother!
- Well, you might as well be.

You know what?
I'm done. I'm done. That's it.

What does that mean?

It means have fun being
self-righteous by yourself...

I'm moving out.

Oh, Jett, come on!

Are you serious?
You're being ridiculous!

Okay, I read over
the restraining order again

and it doesn't say
anything about articles,

but we can
definitely press charges

for that day
he came into the office.

It's over.

What do you mean it's over?
Darryl apologized?

Paper retracted the story?

I mean, that was the board
on the phone.

They want us
to put everything on hold

until they can
send someone over to audit us.

We can't exactly
pause the pregnancies.

That's what I told them.

And what did they say?

They advised me
to terminate the pregnancies.

Will, tell me
you're not going to do it.

I mean,
you were the one who said

we can't just roll over
and let him win.

We have no assets,
they've frozen the accounts.

Sorry for interrupting,

but I just thought
you should know right away.

- I'm quitting.
- What?

- And there it is.
- But why?

You seem nice and all,
and the guinea pigs are cute,

but no money, no Pauline.

Just like that, huh?
After all we've been through together.

My damn kid's
not gonna look after himself.

He should.

Well, later. It's been weird,

though not entirely
unentertaining.

Oh, Pauline, come here.

Rose Prescott
is a liar and a slut.

Somebody should hack her medical
records and put them online.

Pregnant with a cat.

What? So now
instead of morning sickness,

she's gonna be
coughin' up hairballs?

No way.
This chick is crazy!

It's just a few detractors.

There are always
some bad apples, aren't there?

Our followers
will be there for us.

Look, I love Rose,

but who the hell
does she think she's kidding?

Pregnant with a cat? Come on.
Can you say publicity stunt?

This is like the Bonsai
Cats thing all over again.

Listen, I was fully on board
with donating to her cat shelter,

but now I'm wondering if she's
going to sexually abuse the cats.

I'm out.

Poofster,

what do we do?

I can't believe he was
allowed to use this photo.

Don't you need permission from people
before you publish their photos?

I think that's only
if you're not in public.

Ugh, don't take his side!

Love, I'm always on your side.
You know that.

Let's burn down his house.

Oh, no, that... That's her.

- I know...
- It's okay, I'll handle it.

You, this is all your doing,
isn't it?

Come on, Maria, get up.

We're going to see Father O'Malley
right now to pray for your soul!

Hi, Gabby. Can I take your coat?

Don't you sass me.

How could you do this
to my daughter?

It's bad enough that she'll
never have kids because of you,

but now you've got her pregnant
with this... this abomination!

God sends sinners
like you to hell

and good riddance,
you little bitch.

Oh, did you just call
the love of my life,

your future daughter-in-law
a "bitch"?

If anyone needs to see Father
O'Malley, Mother, it's you!

How dare you use our religion

to insult
and shame another person?

You know we don't want kids.

Yet you take every opportunity
to make it clear

that you don't care
about what we want.

The least Christian person
in this room is you.

So if you can't
respect our choices,

then you're not welcome
in this house!

That was awesome!

- I'm so sorry.
- Hey, don't, don't, don't.

Thank you
for standing up for me.

I love you.

- What are we gonna do? It's all ruined!
- Hey, it's okay.

It might not be all bad. Let's just
listen to what Dr. Han has to say.

The Medical Review Board
wants to put a hold

on the trial until after
they've completed an audit.

Our funds have been frozen,

Pauline is gone,

and I'm under tremendous pressure
to terminate your pregnancies.

Never mind. It's all bad.

It's okay, Rose.
Maybe you can try again next time.

I don't wanna try again,
I want this one.

You're just saying that,
'cause you don't even want yours.

Hey, that is not fair!

Just because
I'm not keeping mine

doesn't mean
I want it to go away.

This little guy or girl

is gonna be
someone's forever family,

and they're gonna
cuddle, and be petted,

and rip
the entrails out of mice.

Sorry,
I got in a huge fight with my mom.

Pretty sure I'm homeless.

Oh, my God, I'm so sorry
I was so mean to you.

Oh, you...
You can come live with me.

Well, I... I am not gonna cry

because... because I'm pissed.

This article ruined my life.
Tom's not even speaking to me anymore.

I'm really sorry.

You? Why are you sorry?

- The reporter's my ex-husband.
- Shut up.

No, really. He wrote this
to get back at me

for this.

- Shut up.
- No, it's true.

And we're deeply sorry
for everything that's happened.

We hope you guys
can forgive us for...

No, seriously, shut up. You...

You have terrible taste in men,
except for right now.

But you... you previously
had terrible taste in men.

But it's... It's not your fault.

And you... You are so unlucky,

but we can't really
blame you for that!

And...

I don't remember what I was...
where I was going with this.

Oh, my God, I'm so tired!

It sucks,
I really miss Tom.

I can't do this,
I can't leave them like this.

What other options do we have?

They've stopped our funds,

but they haven't revoked our
permission to run the trials.

Our paperwork's still in order.

I mean, unless the
documentary crew is pulling out.

- Are you kidding? This shit's just getting good.
- Okay.

Okay, well, then we might have enough
to finish a trial and collect the data.

It'll be successful.
I know it will.

And then afterwards,
they'll be too excited to punish us.

Better to ask forgiveness
than permission, right?

Besides, what else
could go wrong?

Well, don't say stuff like that,
the roof light might fall in.

Don't worry about it.

I feel like I could hold up the
whole thing myself right now.

You have no idea what it means to
have your support after all this.

Oh, I think I have some idea.

Okay, ladies,
this is what we're gonna do.

We're going to continue
with the pregnancies.

- Really?
- Won't you lose your license?

Hopefully not. But I'm afraid
there may be a significant delay

in the payment you were supposed
to receive at the end of the trial.

I'll do it for free, I don't
care, just don't kill my cat.

I still wanna continue.
Uh, we can manage without the money.

Same.

I mean, I was in it
for the money at first,

but it doesn't feel right
to quit right now,

especially under
these circumstances.

Good. Then we're all agreed.

What are we gonna do
about Darryl?

Uh, he's not gonna
take this lying down.

Well, I was planning
on filing charges against him

for breaching
his restraining order.

Well, that's a great start,
but it's not gonna unpublish the article.

And sadly, that's the best
we can do right now.

I know what we can do.

- What?
- I'm not sure I like that smile.

Yeah, let's not do anything
to get us arrested, okay?

- I'm not gonna crush him with a cement mixer.
- Oh.

It's much too expensive.
No, but he deserves it.

Here, here.

We're gonna give him a taste
of his own medicine.

How?

We're gonna harness
the power of cuteness.

We're gonna make the entire
world witness a miracle.

We're gonna live stream
the births!

You mean let's broadcast our
vaginas to the entire internet?

Pass.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, we're
gonna film from a non-va-jay-jay angle.

Oh, good,
'cause no one needs to see that.

It's just two kids and...

And so that takes us
to high school.

I was quite popular,
as you might imagine.

One year I was actually invited to seven
different Bible studies on the same...

Excuse me, where do you
think you're going?

It's Sunday.

I am going to Maria
and Jennifer's for dinner.

Mark, I'm pretty sure
we've been uninvited

ever since the big secret
came out.

We were never uninvited.

You uninvited yourself.

But you can't go.

She'll interpret that
as you accepting her choices.

Well, she'll interpret it
correctly then.

- What?
- Gabby, my dear,

I support
our daughter's choices,

even if they are a little weird.

I thought
you were a good Christian.

I am.

Judge not lest you be judged.

Oh, please, what have I done
that God would judge me for?

So you're actually
going without me?

Well, if you choose
to stay behind, then yes, I am.

Gabby,

children are a gift from God.

Even the furry ones.

Shall we continue?

High school. Hm.

Oh, you think
you can threaten us, huh?

No, reported.

What? You wanna direct message
my friend Rose

to tell her you disagree
with all of her life choices?

I don't think so. Delete.

Oh. You think
you can hack into our d...

What's wrong?

Just, ow, wait.

Oh, my gosh, I know this pain.

Okay, it's coming.

But you're early.

Is it my fault my birth canal
is a slip and slide?

Help!

Oh, no, it's happening!

Okay, you, okay.

- Okay, be careful with the door.
- I got it.

- Hey. Get her in a chair, please.
- Hey.

Oh, gosh,
here comes another one.

- Oh, thank you.
- Okay, quick, get her in the procedure room.

- Should I call Rose to bring the weapon?
- No, don't. She's early.

Oh, please be okay in
there, little one.

Oh, be okay.

Oh, my God, oh, my God!

How... How can something
so little hurt so much?

I'll get you something
for the pain.

Okay. No, no.
Wait, will that hurt the kitten?

Okay, look,

we're in uncharted
territory here.

We can't be sure
what might happen.

Okay.

And then I will go without.

- You sure?
- Did I stutter?

Okay, no drugs.

Oh, God!

How does it look?

Not good.

It's looking
like a breech birth.

- I'm worried about them both.
- I'll call Tom.

Oh, oh, my God.

Oh, Tom, you came!

Oh, of course,
I came, I love you.

I love you.
I'm so sorry that I lied.

I love the boys so much
and I want them to have a...

No, I'm sorry that I lied,
I get caught up about the house...

- Oh, I brought you a sandwich.
- Cat... Ow!

Okay, Sylvia, your kitten's coming
out tail first and it's stuck.

- Oh, no.
- I'm gonna have to reach in and try to turn it around, okay?

- Okay.
- Deep breaths. Here we go.

So our live stream
is going brilliantly so far.

We have it already trending
on Instagram, Twitter,

I think we've got
Tumblr going on as well and...

Oh, my God, it's hap...
Mr. Poof, it's happening.

Oh, my God, Sylvia's in labor,
it's happening, Mr. Poof!

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

That's it and it's out.

Congratulations.

You have a beautiful baby girl.

Hi.

- It's a little baby girl.
- Hey.

I know.

What do you wanna do, Tom?

Oh, we'll... We'll just...
we'll hire a cleaner.

- Girly, I know.
- Who's daddy's little fuzz girl?

- Are we late?
- Did we miss it? Boy or girl?

Hey, hey, it's a girl!

- It's a girl!
- Oh.

Hey, kitty, yes.

Say "cheese" for Instagram.

One more time, little one.

Oh, perfect.

Hi.

No,

you're...

You're not supposed to be happy,
you're supposed to be ruined.

Oh, Joan, you're still here.

Yeah, sorry, I can go.

No, it's okay.
What are you lookin' at?

It's a picture of Gracie.

Everyone's going crazy over it.

They love her.

Well, that's good, right?

Yeah.

But?

But my kitten won't have that.

You know,
the whole family thing.

Just some chick
who doesn't even want her.

Well, maybe that couple you met will change
their minds once they see that picture.

Uh, even if they did,
I wouldn't give her to them.

The only reason they want her
is to show her off at events.

I want my cat
to have a real family.

This could be it, Will.

You sure?

Probably catch a lot of heat for
continuing on with the trials.

I'm sure
I want a family with you

and what better way to start it?

What are you guys
talking about?

Joan,

would you consider Theresa and I as
adoptive parents for your kitten?

- Really?
- Really.

We'll love her to bits.

We promise.

Of course, you guys would.

Can I come visit her sometimes,

you know, and just check in
and see how she's doing?

I'd like to see you all

try to drop out of our lives
after this trial's over.

Who are we kidding?

The kitten's gonna have its own
Instagram account and everything.

Oh, wait, I thought
you didn't do the internet.

Jeez, Joan,
how old do you think I am?

Well, all we have to do now

- is convince the internet to be on our side.
- Right.

You got this.

Okay.

It all started
when I was married to Darryl

and we happened
to go to the fertility clinic

where Dr. Han worked.

Darryl wanted kids and I didn't,

but I went anyway

because that's how
messed up we were together.

He went so far as to try to
convince the doctors there

to inseminate me
against my will.

But Dr. Han, William,

stood up for me.

Everything that Theresa said
is complete fabrication.

Theresa and I were happy
before we met with Dr. Han.

He made advances on my wife.

He... He abused his position
of power to influence her

to make her think
that I was trying to hurt her.

Hello?

There you are.

No one answered,
but the front door was open.

Jennifer's at work.

This is nice.

Is that a peace offering?

It's something blue
for you and Jennifer.

Either one of you can wear it.

I actually don't even know what
Jennifer's wearing to the wedding.

I spoke with Father O'Malley

and he reminded me
of the golden rule.

My agreeing or not agreeing
with your choices

doesn't excuse my behavior.

I'm sorry to both of you.

Your grandmother
wore this at her wedding

and she wanted me
to wear it at mine.

I remember hating it
at the time.

I don't even remember
why I didn't wanna wear it.

Because your overbearing mother
wasn't respecting your choices?

- Okay, I walked into that one.
- Look, Mom.

I'm glad you came to apologize.
It's great.

I just really hope it's genuine.

You say you're fine now,

but a few months from now,

I just really hope you mean it.

I'll just leave this here
for you.

I'm not quite ready

to accept a peace offering
just yet.

Can I see it?

It's beautiful.

I'm sorry, Jennifer.

"Welcome him,
but not to quarrel in opinions,"

Romans 14:1.

It will look beautiful on her.

She just needs time,

but she loves you, a lot.

Goodnight, Jennifer.

All right, people,
it's go time.

- Sound?
- Uh, check.

- Camera?
- Check.

- Live stream?
- Yes, check.

- Actual film crew?
- Check.

All right. Let's make history.

Let's blow up the internet!

- Ooh, God...
- It's coming.

- You're doing great. Just a little bit more.
- No. I'm doing okay.

All right, it's out! And...

It's a boy.

Oh, God!

Oh!

Hi, little one.

Hi, Oliver.

Oh, he's perfect.

- Hi.
- Hey.

Hi, little guy. Hey.

Oh.

- He's beautiful.
- Yeah, he's... He's...

I don't know.
Just do what she said to do, well...

The F key?
Uh, let's send it.

- Oh, here we are.
- Oh!

Hi, Oliver,
it's your grandparents.

Hi, Ollie! Oh, our adorable
little grand fur baby.

We love you.

- Oh.
- Meow.

Oh, my God, it's so weird.

Okay, you're almost there, Joan.
Just one more big push.

And it's out!

- Oh, oh!
- It's a girl.

It's our little fur baby.

Say "hello"
to Aunty Joan, Molly.

Hi, Molly. Nice to meet you.

Yes, I know. I know.

And this is me and Mr. Poof
from last Halloween.

- Oh, my God.
- Oh!

- Oh, it's starting. It's starting.
- Oh.

Oh, you can do it, girlfriend.

Any messages
for your viewing public, Rose?

Yeah. Hey, Darryl.

Get bent, you dirt stash,
cat lovers for life.

Oh.

Sunshine?
What are you doing here?

Well, uh, your good friend Rose
said that I should be here

and Theresa let me in.

Oh, God, did it happen already?

- Yeah.
- Oh, I'm sorry.

It's okay.

I can't believe you did all
this for money for law school!

Well, yeah, I mean,
that's what it was at first,

but I really believe
in what Dr. Han is doing.

After everything
that's happened,

I'm gonna go
into human rights law.

I'm gonna stand up for people.

Wow!
You sound just like your dad.

Maybe the apple doesn't fall that
far from the tree after all, huh?

Maybe I'm the one who's been
acting like your grandmother.

Does that mean you support me
goin' to law school?

Honey, I support you
chasing your dreams.

I mean, whatever that is.

- I love you.
- I love you, too, Mom.

Missed you.

Sorry, guys, I'm so sorry,

but I'm so happy you've made up,
but I have to push right now.

Right now.

- Okay.
- That's it.

That's it. There it is!

Almost there.

Oh, it's a girl!

Oh!

Oh, my goodness.

Oh, hi, baby.

See that? Meet Pooflet.

Hi. Hi.

Oh, my goodness.

Oh, I love you.

Hi, baby.

I hate to admit it,
but the kitty is pretty cute.

And hey, somebody
hacked the medical records,

but there's nothin' to find.
Congrats, Rose.

Holy shit! She actually did it!

She's still crazy,
but at least she's legit.

Hi, Pooflet, you're so cute.
Yeah, you are.

Rose, I'm sorry for the hate.

You do you, girl.

Rose Prescott,
Mr. Poof, and Pooflet.

Oh, Pooflet looks
exactly like you.

Rose, I have to say,
I am sorry that I doubted you

and I am gonna donate
to your shelter fund right now,

because I really wanna
help rescue

all those kitties.

No, can't you people see
this is wrong!

Holy crap, you guys,
I think we broke the internet.

Well, if one kitten's cuteness
can make Gabby change her tune,

the rest of the world
should be melting by now.

Yeah. Eat shit, Darryl.

Theresa!

- Theresa, please, come on.
- Is... Is that Darryl?

Please, Theresa,
just open the door.

Sylvia, call the police.

- Everybody stay here.
- Oh, no, I'm coming, too.

Theresa, please!

Come on, Han,
I saw the live stream

and I know what's going on.

Let's just talk.

Come on, you son of a bitch!

You open the door or I will...

You hear me?

He's not well, Will.
This has gone beyond.

He needs help.

Plus, he used the wrong
man in this situation here.

Han, open this door. Who is it?

What's up, doc?

Jesus Christ, you just took
10 years off of my life!

I... I... I think
you broke my back.

- Theresa, could you just, please j...
- Get that back.

So I saw the live feed. Oh.

Those fuzzballs sure are cute.

And I figured
I could be of service.

- Seems I was right.
- Pauline, uh...

- Thank you.
- Thank you.

What's going on here?

This is Darryl Blackburn.
He's my ex-husband.

He's been harassing us
for months.

He's been
spreading lies about us online

and now he's broken
into our clinic.

We have a restraining order
against him, officers,

and this is the third time
he's been here.

Yeah, John, that's the doctor
from the live stream.

You know, the one with the cats?

- Cat's coming out of the...
- No shit.

- So who tied him up?
- Right here.

And there's more where that
came from if you catch my drift.

Okay, we'll be checking the
restraining order back at the station.

And ma'am, you need to come
with us for a statement.

I'll check in
with you guys later.

Thank you so much, Pauline.

First statement,
yes, I am single.

Okay.

I started in this trial

thinking it was just
some crazy research project,

but now that it's done,

we've not only advanced the fields
of human and feline genetics,

we've also seen
how much love and joy

that these kittens
have brought into the world,

and it may seem
weird for some,

but this is something
that'll change lives

and bring more love
into the world.

And what about love for you?

Well...