Kissing Strangers (2010) - full transcript

- [Voiceover] You know, I
always thought I was a loser

when it came to women.

But this time,

this time was going
to be different.

(laughing)

- [Voiceover] I will
become a Republican.

- [Voiceover] I bet you,
a date on craigslist.

- [Voiceover] Bro,
I'll whip out my dick

at a Disney concert.

- [Voiceover] I bet you
cream for your herpes.

- Just because you
got a cushy job,



don't think you can start
pulling ass like me, alright?

Gotta have game.

- I'll tell you what,

I'm so confident that
I will put my car

on the table, that says that
I get a hotter girl than you.

Hold on, I'm getting
ahead of myself.

Damn it.

Let's go back.

I was 13 hanging out
at Sydney's house

with my best friend Dean.

My first kiss wasn't
exactly what I expected.

- Hey Dean, truth or dare?

- Dare.

- I dare you to kiss Max.



- Alright.

- [Max] Like I said...

(slap)
(scream)

It wasn't what I expected

and it wasn't what
Dean expected either.

In college,

in college there was Libby.

Libby was a friend
with benefits.

* I'm so crooked I could break
you on a semi-straight eye *

- Hey Max, I thought I'd
try something new tonight.

(whipping)

* That's my mentality

- [Max] It wasn't a good thing.

The relationship that is.

And then there was Julie.

I thought she was the one.

(dial tone)

- [Voiceover] Hello,
greeting, may I help you?

- Oh sorry, wrong buzzer number.

- [Voiceover] No problem.

(dial tone)

- [Voiceover] Greetings.

- Is this Julie's apartment?

(woman talking
unclearly in background)

- [Voiceover] I'm sorry cupcake.

- [Voiceover] Who is this?

- Julie?!

- [Voiceover] Max is that you?

- Yeah.

- [Voiceover] What
are you doing here?

- I came back a day
early to surprise you.

Surprise.

- [Voiceover] Max you
should've called first.

- [Voiceover] Come
back to bed muffin.

- [Voiceover] Scott
get off, cut it out.

(dial tone)

- [Voiceover] Hi it's
Julie, I'm not here --

- Oh that's real
mature not answering.

Julie!

Julie!

Would you just come down
for one minute, we can talk.

Julie! Julie just come
down for one minute please!

- [Voiceover] Shut
the fuck up man!

- Hey man cut me
some slack, come on!

- [Voiceover] Shut the fuck
up, it's Sunday morning.

I'm gonna put a
boot in your ass.

- Julie! Julie, just
one minute please!

Julie.
- [Julie] Max.

Didn't you get my Twitter?

- Um, no.

- Max I broke up with you.

Listen, you're gonna
have to take the dog.

The new guy is allergic so...

Bye baby.

- Are you kidding me?

I guess when you add it all up,

I still haven't
figure out women.

(upbeat music)

("No Way Out" by Hong Kong Six)

- Good morning Allison.

- Looking sharp.

- Thank you.

- So today's the big day huh?

- Actually I'm here
to ask you out.

- Ohh, where are the flowers?

This girl, needs flowers.

- Next time, I promise.

- [Allison] Mhmm.

- Hey what's this?

- Oh that's the flyer
from my art show.

It's next Saturday
night, you should come.

- Cool I will.

- Here, this one is on
the house for good luck.

- Thank you, I need
all the help I can get.

Looking forward to your show.

- Hi, what can I get for you?

(phone rings)

- Ambitious Marketing,
hold please.

Ambitious Marketing,
hold please.

Mr. Koster is expecting
you in his office,

he'll see you in five minutes.

- Thank you.

(phone ringing)

- Ambitious Marketing, this
is Mila how may I help you?

- [Mr.Koster] Max.

- Oh Mr.Koster, I was just
about to come see you.

- You know you have
many chances in life.

Love, happiness,
all the good things.

But you have only one
chance at this job.

We're all replaceable.

- That makes sense and thank
you for your trust Mr.Koster.

I'll work 24/7.

- Let me give you some advice.

- [Max] Ok I'm all ears.

- All work and no play
makes life very boring.

Know what I mean kid?

- I think so.

- [Mr.Koster] Good.

- Mr. Koster?
- [Mr.Koster] Yeah.

- The board is
ready for you now.

- [Mr.Koser] Good,
I'm ready for them.

(phone ringing)

- Max Burns.

- [Mila] Max I have
Chicago on line one.

- Yeah I'll take the call.

- So Max,

now that you're gonna be a suit,

you still wanna
hang out with me?

- And you are?

- Dean, I'm your friend.

- Of course I'll
hang out with you.

Hey I wanted to ask you,

what do you think of the barista

in the coffee kiosk downstairs?

She's hot right?

- That dude's a girl, really?

It's all about Mila,
the receptionist.

Office hottie of the
year, Dean's list.

- [Max] I don't have
a chance with her.

- Bro, I don't have a chance
with her, I'm a mail boy.

You're an executive now.

Hey by the way, congratulations.

- Thank you.

I gotta go set up my new office

but I'm gonna put in
a good word for you.

- Thanks, oh and those complaint
forms, just toss 'em out.

(phone ringing)

Max Burns.

- [Voiceover] Hi sweetheart.

- Hey, hey mom, how you doing?

- [Voiceover] How are you?

- I'm good, good you?

- [Voiceover] How's your day?

- Just working.

- [Voiceover] I miss you.

- Yeah I miss you too.

- [Voiceover] Seeing
anyone new yet?

- Nobody since Julie.

- [Voiceover] Well don't
you think it's about time?

- This is Mila,
how may I help you?

One moment please.
- [Max] Yeah you're right.

Hey mom I gotta go,
I'll talk to you later.

I love you, bye.
- [Voiceover] I love you too.

Come to dinner.

(phone ringing)

- Congratulations Max.

(intense music)

- Are those real?

- Why don't you find out?

- [Max] Motorboat.

(phone ringing)

I love my job.

(phone ringing)

- Ambitious Marketing
please hold.

(laughs)

- Nice office.

Did you ask Mila out?

- Thanks and no.

- Forget her, hey
let's go out tonight

and celebrate your
new promotion.

- Can't, I have work to do
and then there's an office

function afterwards that
I have to show my face at.

- [Dean] After that?

- Yeah we can go after that.

- I'm thinking a
couple of local places

that are packed with women.

- Na, bar girls don't like me.

- Max, dating is like, lotto.

Alright you can't win
if you don't play.

So play and know that
you're probably gonna lose,

most of the time, everybody
can't be a winner,

but when you do win,

you won.

But ah, lose the suit.

- You're wearing yellow.

- It's banana.

- Max, come and meet the family.

This is my daughter Claire.

- Claire, Max Burns.

- Hi Max.

- Max is an executive
at the company.

- Honey, don't we need to go

or we'll miss our
dinner reservation?

- If you say so we do.

See you tomorrow Max.

- Yes sir.

(laughing)

- [Dean] Oh no
we're not together.

- What are we doing here anyway?

- That.

- [Max] Hi ladies.
- [Dean] Hi.

A, girls like to shop.

B, we like girls.

C,

we like, we like girls.

- Good point.

- MB, here's your
chance, spit some chem.

- [Max] In the '70s
and '80s it was Africa.

In the '90s black,
what is it now?

Please let me explore
that world (groans).

- [Dean] Oh, oh she's
coming to talk to you.

- Um, hello.

- Hello.
- [Max] Hey.

(laughing)

- Bro, hello ain't
gonna get you laid.

Hello.

- Dude whatever, she
wasn't even interested.

- You have to make
her interested.

You have to say things
that interest her.

"Hey, my name is
Max, what's yours?"

You come out with confidence.

Girls like two things, men
with status and with game,

and that's it.

- You don't have any status.

- I know but they
don't know that.

- Ok and when's the last time
that you dated a hot girl?

- You don't call Monica fine?

God she was hot!

- Yeah compared to what?

- Compared to what?
Compared to your sick

attraction to average
looking girls.

- Ok you and I have
different taste.

You know what's hot for
you is not necessarily

what's hot for me,
I just, that's it.

- Yeah we do.

You like average looking girls,

I like hot beautiful
sexy little things.

You know dude, like the ones
that wanna tickle your balls.

- You're sick.

- Yeah, I'm just a guy dude.

Let's go to the CD store,
there's always chicks there.

- [Woman] Hi may I help you?

- Hi, we're just looking.

- Well what were you
just looking for?

- I don't know when
I see it I'll know.

- You'll know if you want
it just by appearance?

- [Max] Yeah.

- We have headphones,
just bring up any CD

and I'll hook you up.

- Ok thanks.

- No problem.

- I'm just looking too.
- [Woman] Oh.

- You're real pretty.

- Thanks, my boyfriend
thinks so too.

- Yeah, everybody has
a boyfriend right?

- Mine's right over there.

- He's a lucky man.

- Thanks, I think so too.

Hi honey.

- Hi shmoopy.

(giggles)

- I listen to that CD in my car.

- This is a DVD.

(car engine revving)

- [Max] What?

(car engine revving loudly)

I can't hear you, stop
revving your engine.

(engine revving loudly)

- You're beautiful.

- Thank you.

Do you work here?

- No but maybe I can
help I know the alphabet.

- My friend Julia over there
is looking for the latest

(mumbles) Slava CD,
but they're sold out.

- You know my friend
knows the band.

- You're kidding?

Whoa, ok.

(car engine revving)

- [Max] Where you going?

- Bro, where'd you go?

- I went after this girl.

- Who?

- This girl, she's incredible,
she just pulled outta here.

- Incredible huh?

What if I told you I had
two hot chicks coming home

with us right now?

- I'd find that hard to believe.

- Well here they come.

- What are their names?

- I forgot.

- Well which one is mine.
- [Dean] Who cares?

Oh and your place is now mine.

Ladies, this is Max,
introduce yourselves.

- I'm Annette and this is Julia.

- Hey.

- Hi.

- Hey thanks for
burning that CD.

- Yeah, no problem.

- Yeah Dean told me that
your friends with the band.

That's cool.

- Yeah.

Meeting.

This is not gonna work out.

- Bro, she smokes.

She pokes.

- Hey, do you like Bawls?

- What?

Oh yeah I like blue Bawls.

(moans and screams)

- Oh it sounds like Dean and
Annette really like each other.

- [Annette] Oh my --

- Yeah Annette's not very picky.

- [Annette] Harder!

- Neither is Dean.

(laughing)

(Annette moaning)

- Hey do you have a phone?

- Oh yeah, no, I'll
give you my number.

I'm not that kind of guy.

- Oh no, actually, I just
need to return a call.

My battery's dead and I have
to call my boyfriend back,

we're getting together later.

- Oh great.

- Oh my God.

I just realized
who you look like.

- Who?

- My little brother.

He's so cute, take
it as a compliment.

It really is, a compliment.

- Great, thanks.

(Annette moaning loudly)

(phone ringing)

- I don't know what happened

I mean everything was
perfect, the mood was right.

She really seemed like
she was into me and I like

reached over and wack,
she gave me the hand.

I mean what happened to "If
she smokes, she pokes", hmm?

- It must've been an
urban legend, I don't --

Did you rush her? It
sounds like you rushed her.

- No, no I didn't rush her.

And you and Annette moaning
in the background didn't help.

- Bro I can't help that
alright? I'm a screamer.

- Fellas, anybody
want some PB and J?

- [Max] Not anymore?

- We're about to go to lunch.

- Ok.

- What lunch?

- Bro how often do
you get to treat me?

Lunch is the most
important meal of the day.

- You are pushing your luck.

Alright, let's go.

See you Jeff.
- [Dean] Later Jeff.

- Later folks.

- I don't--
(phone ringing)

- I mean you have no
idea the kind of problems

that I'm incurring with
Julia from human resources.

I mean the people
that she's sending me,

they're completely unprepared,
unqualified to close calls.

I'm spending like an
average of 14 to 15 minutes

each call just to
finish, it's ridiculous.

- [Dean] Aha.

- Are you even paying
attention to me?

Are you listening?
- [Dean] Yeah, yeah.

- You never listen, I know it.

- Yes I'm listening.

- Ok well, do you kinda
feel like the guys

at the office hate me?

I feel like I'm getting these
weird looks at the office.

I mean I don't know if
you've noticed but like,

just like I'm wearing a
suit doesn't mean, you know,

that I can't hang out.

It's just, yeah I'm
working long hours

and I can't do the same
things we use to do

but I'm still your buddy right?

- Hey I'm gay!

(engine revving)

- Oh my God, that was her.
- [Dean] Who?

- The girl from the other
night, from the record store.

We can get her, we
can get her, come on.

Where'd she go?

Did you see where she went?

Are you even looking?

- Yeah.

Bro that's the kind of
girl you should be dating

now that you're an executive.

Are you coming to
my show tonight?

- [Max] Yeah yeah
if I have time.

- [Dean] If you have the time?

You're giving me a ride there.

I don't drink anymore because
I break out in felonies.

(laughing)

How do you get a
blonde girl to church?

Tell her there's a
guy hung like this.

- [Voiceover] You suck!

- Terrible joke.

My friend Max,

you're the only
one wearing a tie.

I introduced him to the
first girl he had sex with,

not only introduced,
inflated and bought.

(laughing)

He's a rich executive and
he still doesn't get laid.

Even gold diggers
won't tap that.

He's so single, he's
three rejections away
from turning gay.

Not that there's
anything wrong with that,

it actually sends
a letter, it's sad.

It's pathetic, you know
he's addicted to porn,

and doesn't even know it.

When you walk into his
bedroom, he has beads,

and you have to show your ID.

(laughing)

Max was even rejected
by a blind chick.

(laughing)

He even feels ugly.

Ah ladies and gentleman Max.

(applause)

- Max, where you going?
He's just kidding.

- Jokes buddy.

As you can see he was
trying to bring sexy back

but all he could get
was store credit.

What's going on with those
guys who go to the gym

and only work out
their upper body?

We see you dude, do you
have a clown (mumbles)...

You're shaped like a --

- [Allison] Well that could
be a good look on you.

- Hey Allison.

- Hi Max, what are you up to?

Been celebrating your promotion?

- This is it, woohoo.

I better --

- Do you wanna walk with me?

- Yeah sure.

I don't know just lots of work.

So what kind of art do you do?

- Well mostly oil on canvas

but I do experimental art too.

What's your favorite
color up there?

- Blue.

- Is that your frame of mind
or is that your favorite color?

- Both.

- Oh Max.

Hey I have something I
wanna show you, come on.

- Where are we going?

- Right here.

- Right here, in the
middle of the parking lot?

- Mmhmm.

- [Max] What's that?

- This is a Chinese
fire lantern.

My friend sent it
to me from China.

And it's considered
to be good luck.

And when you light
it and let it go,

it symbolizes letting go
of all of your problems

and your worries.

- I need that.

- I can tell.

- Is that dangerous?

- Not with me.

Here, you should let it go.

- [Max] Are you sure?

- [Allison] Definitely.

- Ok.

- [Allison] You just let it go.

- Kind of reminds me of a
painting I did in high school,

the supernova.

- I didn't know
you're an artist.

I'd love to see
your work sometime.

- I'm not believe me.

- Oh I'd still love to see it.

- I'll leave the art to you.

- [Allison] I never knew
you were so funny Max.

- Hey can I ask you a question?

- Sure.

- What do women want?

Is it money? Power?

Looks? All of the above?
None of the above?

I mean you're a woman,
what do you want?

- Well lots of things really.

But the first question
I'd have to ask,

is who are you talking about?

- Me.

- Ok, then what kind of
woman are you talking about?

- I don't know,
woman with style.

- What kind of style?

- I don't know, someone
tall, blonde, nice legs.

- Max, you're not
looking for style,

sounds like you want a trophy.

- What's wrong with
setting my standards high?

- Well nothing's wrong
with it, it's just shallow.

I mean there's more
to a woman than style.

- Like what?

- Like communication,
love, respect, compassion,

being able to care for
somebody for who they are,

not what they look like.

- Can't I find those qualities
in a good looking woman?

- Max who are you?

- What do you mean?

- It sounds like you need
to remember who you are.

I mean are those really the
qualities you're looking for?

(honking)

- Max, she's not your type.

They're all virgins!
Come on bro!

- [Voiceover] Get in
the car, get in the car.

- [Dean] Max, max, max.

- [Woman] Get in
the car, come on!

- [Voiceover] Get in
the car, get in the car.

- Look I'm, I'm sorry
about my rude friend.

- Yeah sure.

- It was nice walking with ya.

That's my ride.

(cheers)

- Yes!

(cheers)

- I like you, you're
like a six, seven.

- A seven?!

- But you're like an eight.

You know what, you're
like a 7.5 though,

you know what I mean?
You're coming up.

(laughing)

I would wanna make out with you

but feel your boobs.

- Oh wow.

- But I, but I, you know I
wanna feel your boobs too.

I like --

- I'm gonna get out here.

- What? What are you doing?

- [Voiceover] Max come on!

- You're gonna go home and
jerk off? Dude come on!

Not cool dude.

I'm gonna pick up your slack.

("The Blues They Are
Inside Me" by Johnny Papp)

- Hey Cecil.

("The Blues They Are
Inside Me" by Johnny Papp)

(dog growls)

Hey buddy, I love you too.

("The Blues They Are
Inside Me" by Johnny Papp)

Good morning Allison.

- Hey.

So how's the trophy hunt going?

- Ah, it's...

- What can I get for you Max?

- A large Americano
like I always get.

- Hold on a second, could I have
a large black coffee please?

- Yeah sure.

- Ah, you know what? I
gotta go, see you later.

- [Allison] Three dollars.

(phone ringing)

- [Mila] Ambitious
Marketing, please hold.

(phone ringing)

Ambitious Marketing please hold.

(phone ringing)

- [Voiceover] Hello?

- Good morning Mr.Gonzalez,
yes I'm doing a credit check

on your background
and I wanted to know

if you could read
me your numbers?

I hate telemarketers too,
it was just a malfunction

in the system and I apologize.

We can't figure out whether
you have one or two lines

in your home.

Is there a better time
that I can reach you?

- [Voiceover] I'm just
too busy right now, sorry.

- [Voiceover] You
guys call me everyday

at the same fucking time.

- Can I ask you a question,
how did you get this number?

- [Voiceover] It's
called star 69 jerk off.

- Ms.Lopez, can you screen
the calls next time?

Thank you.

- It just doesn't make sense.

We had burritos
three days in a row.

You gotta switch it up it's
not good for the system,

I'm telling you.

- But the burritos,
they'er good burritos.

They have really
good burritos there.

- No no maybe he's right,
let's switch it up, I agree.

- So, (stutters) Chinese, Thai
food, Italian, what do --?

- Max, how about that soul food
spot I was telling you about?

Let's go there.

Yeah?
- [Dean] Yes, yes.

- Let's do the soul
food spot today.

- Good, there's
a decision, good.

- [Jeff] Let's go.

- Alright.

- Hey guys I'm just
gonna stay here and work.

Something I gotta do.

- [Dean] Really?

- I know, we'll bring
you back a to go tray.

- Yeah, it's alright Max,
we'll pack you a doggie bag.

Enjoy your work man.

- [Dean] Alright man.

- [Man] Thank you Allison.
- [Allison] You're welcome.

- Made you lunch.

Would you like PB and J?

- Yeah.
- [Max] Good.

Do you have a boyfriend?

- Well I don't have a
boyfriend, but I am in love.

With my art.

- Must be good to do
something you love.

- Well yeah, you do
what you love right?

I mean you just
got that promotion.

- Yeah I mean there's
certain things at the office

that I just don't
agree with morally

and I thought the
more that I work,

the more I climb the
corporate ladder,

that I'd be happy.

I'm not.

- Well you gotta
do what you love,

and certainly something
you believe in.

I mean that's what matters Max.

That's what's gonna
make you happy.

- Why don't you tell me about
something that you love.

Tell me about your art.

- Well you're gonna
see it Saturday.

- Yeah.

- You smell that?

It smells like sex.

- Hey guys what
can I get for you?

- [Max] Two drafts please.

- Coming right up.

- No I got it, I
got it, I got it.

Nope I don't got it.

- No you don't got it.

- Here you go.

19 dollars.

- Thank you.

- Thanks guys.

- You know bro, I told him,
"Listen, don't come to me

(mumbles) anymore, right?"

(club music)

- Hey MB, check out Deaner.

Ooo, this should be fun.

- It's not like
he's doing anything.

Never mind.

- Yeah he's practically
giving her the (unclear)

right there on the
dance floor bro.

- [Max] You think we should
jump in and help him or --

- What are we gonna do, huh?

(club music)

- What are you thinkin' curly?

I asked you a question,
what are you thinkin'?

- This songs real funky.

- This song's funky
huh? This song is funky.

You know what else is
funky? Check this out.

(crowd gasps)

- Karma's a bitch.

How's your face?

- It hurts.

- Does it hurt as bad
as your best friend

ripping into you in front of
a room of complete strangers

and colleagues?

- No, it just stings a lot.

- [Max] Are you even my friend?

- Are you my friend?

You left me hanging dude,
I was bitch slapped.

- Where are the girls?
Hot model looking girls?

Where are they?

- Dude, any of us
could date models.

We can date supermodels.

- Yeah man, anybody
can date a supermodel.

I choose to be single, I can
get a date like that if I want.

- I saw your game.

The girl from the record
shop, the screamer.

- The infamous screamer.

- Dude she was fine dude,
what are guys talking about?

- Yeah she was fine but the
only way that you picker her up

was that you made my
apartment your apartment.

I made I gave you a taste
of the executive life.

- Bro, just because
you got cushy job,

don't think you could start
pulling ass like me, alright?

Gotta have game.

- Ok but I should be
able to get more girls

than the mail guy.

- Whoa, do you know how many
envelopes I lick everyday?

This,

it's strong.

- Would you like more Sake?

- Yes, just two large
Sakes, thank you.

- Just saying it's strong.

I know that if you got a girl,
I could get a hotter one.

Guaranteed.

- Sounds like a challenge.

- I bet this dinner on it.

- Dude I can pay
for this dinner,

you can do better than that.

- Alright, I bet you a
weeks worth of dinner

plus VIP bottle service at
whatever club of your choice

on a Friday night, that says
that I can get a hotter girl.

- Alright, I'll wear
a dress for a week.

- I'll buy you a new TV, plasma.

- I'll run through
two malls, naked.

- I mean what do you have
that's like tangible.

Do you have anything of any
value to put on the table?

Anything.

- Service.

Clean, I'm a good cleaner.

I'll clean your
place for a year.

- [Max] In a bunny suit.

- In a bunny suit.

- Ok.

I'll tell you what.

I'm so confident that I
will put my car on the table

that says that I get a
hotter girl than you.

- That is an automobile
on the table.

- Do we have a deal?

- We have a deal.

- Tom.

- You're judging.

- You got it.

- Tongue kissing a hotter
girl, next Saturday.

- You're on my friend.

- Good luck.

- Luck.

- No good luck.

- No good luck.
- [Dean] To you.

- Cheers fellas.

- What do you say when you --?

- Oh kampai.

- [Dean] Kampai.
- [Tom] Kampai.

- [Dean] Can't lose.

- [Voiceover] Hello?

- Yes hello, is
Andrea there please?

- [Voiceover] She's
not here right now,

may I take a message?

- Yes, it's Max Burns.

- [Voiceover] Ok Max
I'll let her know.

- Yeah if you could
have her call me back

that would be great.

- [Voiceover] Ok Max
I'll let her know.

- Thank you.
- [Voiceover] Bye.

Well that worked.

- [Voiceover]
Hello this is Beth.

- Hi Beth? Hello?

Hello.

- [Voiceover] Hello?

Hi is Cami, there?

Hi is Sabrina there please?

Hi is Tania there?

- [Voiceover] May I
ask who's calling?

- Hi is Mary there?

Hi it's Max Burns for Candice.

Hi Rebecca it's Max --

Whenever you have a chance
can you bring Max back,

Max Burns, I think
you remember me.

Anyway, I wanted to
know if you had plans

on Saturday night,
alright, thanks.

(phone ringing)

Hello?

- Hi, I am returning
a call for Max.

- Andrea, how you doing?

- Oh hey, hi there you.

So what's going on?

- I was just wondering
if you had any plans

on Saturday night?

A bunch of friends and I
are going to a karaoke club.

I just wanted to know
if you were available?

- [Andrea] Can you
hold on a minute?

- [Max] Yeah sure I'll hold.

- Who are you talking to?

- I'm on hold with Andrea.

- You're on hold?
- [Max] Yeah.

- No dude, give me the
phone, give me the phone.

- No, no, no, no, no.

Ow Jesus, you guys are jerks.

- She wasn't coming back
from putting you on hold.

- Why not?

- Because she was
fucking somebody.

Girls love to put guys
on hold and go have sex,

they get off.

- You have to screen the
call and make her wait

to talk to you.

When she calls, you're busy.

- Why?

- Why do you think I
go to clubs with girls?

- I don't know you tell me.

- Because when you bring a girl

it shows the others that this
girl is already interested

in me, and human
nature is to want

what you do not have.

- Why?

- I don't know, that's
just the way it is.

- Bro did you find a way
to get rid of that dog yet?

- Dude he's right there.

- [Tom] Well he
can't understand you.

- Could we just talk
about this in the car?

- Are you scared?

He can smell fear, look.

(dog growls)

Look, you're just
his little bitch.

(dog growling)

- Ok guys.

So,

yes or no questions.

Five pennies.

Do you smell anything?

- Nope don't smell anything.

- That is a cent.

(chuckles)

- See any fruit?

- [Max] No.
- [Tom] No.

- That is a pair.

- [Woman] See any snakes?

- No.

- There are three copper heads.

- See any cars?

- That is four Lincolns.

(chuckling)

- She's good.

- See any pussy?

- [Max] Nope.

- [Dean] Yeah.

- And you won't if you
only have five cents.

(chuckling)

- Good one.

- How about three
draft beers please?

- Three beers 15 dollars.

- [Max] Tips for the joke.

- [Woman] Oh thanks, enjoy.

- To the chase.

To ginseng and candle wax.

- What's the ginseng for?

- It keeps you hard.

- And the candle wax.

- For the nickles.

(chuckling)

- [Woman] Hey last call.

- Hi, I'm Max.

- Kelly.

- Anybody ever tell
you you have nice eyes?

- Oh thanks.

- Can I buy you a drink?

- Why don't we just
get outta here?

- Ok.

- [Max] Do you like Monopoly?

- [Kelly] Yes, I do.

(moaning)

- Are you sure you
can't get pregnant?

- No, no I'm on the pill.

(moaning and heavy breathing)

- You sure we still
shouldn't use something?

- I don't have any STDs.

- I don't either,
shouldn't we just be safe?

- Look, if I have something
you already have it.

So don't worry.

- Ok.

(moaning and screaming)

- What's wrong?

Is that all you got?

- I just, I have a headache.

I have to wake up
early in the morning.

- Do you have any aspirin?

- I don't think so.

I should probably drive you
home and get some on the way.

- Are you sure?

- Yeah I'm sure,
I should just go.

- And you said I
had beautiful eyes.

So you're taking me out
Saturday night right?

(echoing) Saturday night right?

- No!

Go pee, come on, go pee, go on.

Come on.

(barks)

Good boy.

Ah Christ! Ah!

Cecil come on.

- No no move, move,
just issue that.

(phone ringing)

Get that please Janette.

Double it, double it.

No no move move,
just, issue that!

Carolina I swear -- yeah?

Oh look the una-bomber came
to pick up his psyche meds.

Oh there you are,
what can I do you for?

Janette get the -- phone! Yes.

- I have an itch.

- And I've got a marriage
that's going down the crapper.

Can you help me?

- No.

- Aisle six, lotions,
sav's, eye drops,

depending where your
itch is located.

- I was kind of hoping
I could keep it private.

- Oh oh I'm so
sorry, go ahead yeah.

- You know when
you have head lice?

- Right.

- [Max] Well I think
I have some friends

swimming around downstairs.

- (whispering) Ok, oh I see,
it sounds like you might have

a case of (loudly)
genital crabs.

Once again, aisle
six, there's a shampoo

in a purple bottle, purple.

Lather it up real
good, real good

and maybe your
friends will go away.

Also, you can always
shave your pubes.

Then maybe your friends
won't have a place to hide.

(phone ringing)

Janette would you
get the GD phone!

Thank you, next.

Oh hi Mrs.Doobcheck,
how your psoriasis?

- Not very well I'm afraid.

- I'm sorry to hear that.

At least you don't have
what the last guy had.

- [Mrs.Doobcheck]
And what's that?

- Crabs, on his vagina.

- Oh.

- I'll get your prescription.

(phone ringing)

- Hello.

I am a Russian male
order, 26 year old.

- Dean, what are you doing?

- [Dean] Bro she's hot.

- Not on my computer
she's not, out, get out.

Dean every time you do
this Mr.Koster's assistant

comes down says "Hey you
know we're monitoring

"your internet activity
on your computer right?"

You're gonna get fired
for doing that, right?

- I'm sorry, I'm
sorry, fat woman.

- No, out now, go.

Damn, you're 26...

- Excuse me, do you have
any change for a 20?

I gotta pay my meter.

(unlocking door alert)

Oh this is a 300, because it
kinda looks like my Phantom,

you wanna kick it, Saturday?

Don't wanna go out? Fine.

(dog growling)

- Hi, hi I'm Max, how you doing?

I, I wanted to know if...

Hey.

Hi, I'm Max.

- I was gonna go to a
movie with some friends

but nothing's definite,
what are you doing?

- Actually I'm going to a
karaoke bar, do you wanna --

- [Voiceover] She's 17.

- Hello.

- Are you on your lunch break?

- Actually I'm a
lesbian, I'm sorry.

- I'm cool with that.

What's up?

- What is?

- So how's the ganja
job treatin' ya?

- Good.

- Hey I know you
don't have any trouble

picking up the ladies but
how do I get a hot chick?

- It just comes
natural, you know.

It's who you are, you know.

If you really want
female advice,

why don't you ask your sister?

- Alright, thanks.

See ya.

- Wow, there's a face I
don't get to see too often.

How are you?

- Good good.

Busy working my ass off.

- I know, so have we.

- Yeah well my hard work is
paying off, I got a promotion.

- Oh my gosh, congratulations.

Mom must be so proud.

- I haven't told her yet.

I'm waiting for my
raise to kick in.

- So what pleasure
do I owe this visit?

- I wanted to ask your advice.

- Ok, shoot.

- What attracted you to Joe?

- Oh, you know,
it's what we call

a contest of generosities.

You see when we first met, he
was actually really closed off

about his past and had a
really hard time opening up

and then one day he just

opened up and shared his
life story, his dreams,

his fears, he cried
in front of me,

and, but you know what,
he really just showed me

who he was and gave
me so much of himself

and you know when
I think about it,

that really has what
made us stay together

because we're continuing to
always give to one another

without expectation.

So, that's all I've got.

- It's great, thanks, see ya.

- Oh great to see you.

Thanks for coming by.

- [Max] Yeah, see you soon.
- [Woman] I hope so.

- Unlucky in love, lucky in war.

- For you it's unlucky
in love and in war.

Who you taking out Saturday?

- Called your mom,
but she was busy.

- Original, original.

- Thank you, I try.

Everything happens for a reason.

Check.

- Why did that happen?

- Ah 'cause you're a loser.

- I'll clean it up.

- Yeah, see you later.

- Go work.

(knocking)

- You may have heard the
company has experienced

a recent downfall in profits

and so we're going to have to
start downsizing immediately.

I'm going to ask you
to do the layoffs.

- I can't fire these people.

Up until a few days ago
they were my colleagues.

- Max, this is business
for Christ sakes.

You were promoted to
take care of business.

- Mrs.Lopez is relying on
this job to put her daughter

through college.

Dean Keyhoe, not only
is he my co-worker

he's my friend and Mr.Wihitman,
I thought he was my boss.

- These people are
all expendable.

Now if you can't do this,
then I'll get somebody

else to do the job.

Am I clear?

- Crystal.

- Thank you Max.

- Bullshit.

- [Voiceover] Hello?

- Hi William? Yeah
this is Max Burns over

in the central district
office in Los Angeles.

How you doing?

- [Voiceover] I'm doing
alright Max, what's going on?

- Yeah unfortunately
I have some bad news.

You know that our market
results have been quite bad

this year and we're doing
a big wave of layoffs

so I just wanted to
give you a heads up,

I'm sure the wave
is coming your way.

- [Voiceover] Thanks Max, that's
really considerate of you.

- You have yourself
a good one, thanks.

- [Voiceover] Take care.

- Hey Max.

- Cynthia, you've
done such great things

for the company, I'm sorry
we're gonna have to let you go.

- What?

- So sorry.

We have to let you go.

- Fuck you Max.

- Fired?

- What? You can't fire
me, I'm your boss.

- I know that you're my boss sir

and that you're
my superior but --

It's ok, it's ok.

(sobbing)

Unfortunately, we're
all expendable and --

- I don't get it, come on.

- I understand that but...

- What did I do wrong?

- After all that hard
work I did for you.

I wish you'd, next time
tell me earlier in the day

so I wouldn't have gotten
those reports done for you.

- I've been here for six years.

You know what? Screw
you, screw this place.

(whimpering)

Hello? Hello?

(sobbing)

Hello?

Mr.Koster?

- Max.

- Mr.Koster.

- She cheated on me.

She wanted a younger man.

I'm replaceable.

- I guess we all are.

(knocking)

- What's up Maxxy?

- [Max] Hey.

- Dude who died?

- I wish I were.

- What's wrong?

- What's wrong? What's wrong?

What's right? Nothing.

Job, girls, I need to quit.

Just quit.

I think, I think I'll just quit.

- Whoa whoa whoa,
you're gonna quit girls?

- No my job.

- Why we just had your
promotion party last week?

- And apparently I was promoted
to do my boss's dirty work.

- And?

- I can't do it.

I have to fire people.

I have to fire
Dean, I can't do it.

- Dude, look at me.

I work three stupid
jobs, alright?

I do what I gotta do.

You do what you
gotta do, alright?

You want some help from me?

- Yeah.

- Give me a quarter.

- What for?

- For the payphone.

- Why don't you
just use my phone?

- Thanks, and a quarter.

- [Max] What for?

- For the payphone for later.

- [Dean] Talk it's Deaner.
- [Tom] Dean.

It's Tom.
- [Dean] What's up Tommy?

- Hey hey, so I got good
news and I got bad news,

what you want first?

- [Dean] Ah dude, good news.

- Ok the good news is, the
sisters are picking us up later.

- [Dean] Yeah right on.

- Yes sir.
- [Dean] Ok dude.

Bad news.

- And the bad news is, Max
here says you're fired.

- [Dean] Whoa dude
what? Dude, dude?!

- It's that easy.

Stop letting it get to you man.

You got a bet to win,

and all you gotta do
is pick up a hot chick

for tomorrow night.

- I do.

- And I know my boy can do that.

- I can do that.
- [Tom] That's right.

Alright, ready to get
back to work, go get 'em.

- [Voiceover] There
we go, good teamwork.

- [Trixy] Oh my God.

Shit! What am I
gonna tell my dad?

- You might wanna think
about that for a minute.

- You can say that again.

- Yeah.

- What the fuck, I thought
you guys said it was safe

to park out here?

- Oh no, no no I said I
never get messed with.

- Well, where is your car?

- Oh I donated it.

- What?

- To the Elderly Women's
Equal Rights Movement.

- I thought you said
it got repossessed?

- No, that's my brothers car.

- Oh yeah.

- So why don't you
have a new car?

- Oh because I'm really
eco-friendly, it's hot.

- You want us to call you
a cab or the police or...

- Come on Trixy,
we're out of here.

- But we were gonna go --

- We'll walk to the payphone
and call on our own.

- And I'll call you.

- I feel like such a jerk.

- Trixy!

- Wait wait, oh wait no,
that's just stomach acid.

- Oh yeah, nice
camel toe though.

- Yeah.

(phone ringing)

- Hello?

- [Max] Hey Marie.

- Hey Max.

How's it going?

- [Max] How you doing?

- Haven't talked to you
since I got pregnant.

- You got pregnant?

When?

- Last December remember?

- December?

- My boobs are enormous.

I mean if I get stretch
marks I'm gonna be so mad.

- Well that's great.

Good luck with that.

Na I mean, congratulations.

- Thanks Max.

- Well I probably
should get going.

I'll talk to you
soon, take care.

- Alright, take care.

- Bye.

Oh sorry.

- That's cool.

- Hi.

- Hi.

- How you doing? My name is Max,

What's your name?

- My name is Jeremy,
nice to meet you Max.

- Where are you going?

- I'm going home.

- You know, this is gonna
sound a little straightforward

and would you like to go
out with me this evening?

- I don't even know you.

- I'm a nice, good
looking, successful guy.

- And modest.

- At times, I can be.

- Ok, what do you do?

- I don't even know anymore.

- I understand that.

Ok Max, I don't usually do this,

but I like you.

I'm gonna give you my number

and you call me, after eight.

- Do you need a ride?

- No you could be a serial
killer or something,

but I will see sometime
after eight in public.

- Hey it's a costume karaoke
party, be ready at eight.

(phone alert)

Oh damn, Allison.

I'll send her flowers.

No I got something better.

- [Voiceover] White zone
is for immediate loading

and unloading of passengers
only, no parking.

- Wow two times in one
week, what's the deal?

- I just got a girls number

and I'm going out
with her tonight.

- Did my advice help?

- Maybe.

- You know a simple
"Thank you" would do.

- Thank you.

- You're welcome.

So what do you have here?

- This is a painting
that I did in high school

and I was wondering if you
could wrap it up for me,

pro bono.

- Alright let's see.

You're not planning on
giving this to the girl

you just met are you?

- No it's just for a friend.

- Ok, if you say so.

Better be a good friend.

- I hope so.

Hi, I was wondering if I
can leave this for Allison?

- [Woman] Sure, I'll
make sure she gets it.

- Tell her it's from Max.

Hey boy, how you doing?

(dog growling)

Hello.

You want a treat?
You want a treat?

(phone ringing)

What's up buddy?

- Hey bro you ready for tonight?

- [Max] Yup I'm ready.

- You're driving right?

- Yeah I'm driving, who's going?

- Well it's Tom, me,
Eva, you and your date.

- [Max] Who's Eva?

- Remember our bet right?

- Yeah.

- Tonight is the night I
drive home in your car,

or should I say my car.

Don't worry buddy boy,
I'll give you a ride home

as long as you don't
mind sitting bitch.

- Oh you make it sound
like you already won,

maybe I should just
stay home and can see.

- You get a costume?

- Oh shit!

- You forgot, you're crazy man,

there's gonna be nothing left.

- I'll get one.

- Good luck.

Hey do you know who's
talking about you?

- [Eva] Dean.

You like?

(giggling)

* Sex sex sex sex

- You're such a dick.

Oh my God, that's so perfect.

Hey chicken man! Chicken
man, I need to talk to you.

You talking to me?

Are you talking to me huh?

You chicken head, you
talking to me, huh?

Oh no, no no no no no.

I did not just wash your
number off my hand, no.

No, no no.

Damn it! Damn it!

Come on, come on,
come on one hot girl.

Hi, my name is Max.

What's your name?

- Destiny.

- I believe in that.

- That's original, not!

- What are you in a rush for?

- Just because.

- Because is just like
a fabricated answer
that people have.

I mean either you're
going somewhere

and you don't want me to know or

you really don't know
where you're going

and you're just nervous
of repercussions

of meeting me and what that
would lie in your destiny.

- What?

- Never mind, do you
have a date tonight?

- No.

- You do now.

- Cool.

Could you pick me up?

- Yeah sure.

I have to warn you though
my dad likes to meet

the guys I date, he's
old fashioned like that.

- Hey I should get your number,

do you wanna plug that in there?

And um, by the way we're
going to a karaoke bar

with a costume theme.

So, you have a costume that
you could whip up right?

- Yeah sure.

Ok bye.

- Welcome to Earth Cure,
are you a new patient?

- Sort of.

- And what are your ailments?

- Stress.

- Stress, from what?

- I can't seem to
find my dealers.

- Oh right.

- My doctor prescribed this
medical marijuana card to me.

- A doctor, right.

For you, I suggest,
super ape or warlock.

(doorbell)

Deaner, what's happening?

- Not much.

Can I get that
Russian dictionary?

- Sold out bro.

- No no, the book, the
English Russian dictionary,

translation.

- It's at my house.

What do you need it for?

- Bro, I got the
hottest Russian chick.

- Nice.

- She is h-h-hott.

(groans)

Bro those stairs dude.

- Yeah, every time.

- Look I don't,
I don't know why.

Can I get a sample?

- Dude they're gonna fire me

if you keep eating the samples.

Just take one Dean.

One.

One!

- Super ape.

(doorbell)

- [Destiny] Daddy!
Can you get the door.

I think it's Max and
I'm not ready yet.

- Oh hell's no.

- Yeah.

- I'll tell you what,

I'll give you a three
second head start.

(glocks gun)

- [Destiny] Daddy no!

(Destiny screaming unclearly)

- Baby, baby baby!

- [Destiny] Dad
put down the gun.

(gunshot)

- You're lucky.

Oh baby you --

- Dad why do you do this
to me? Why do you do this?

- Get inside, put
some clothes on!

Put some clothes on!

(Destiny crying)

(door slam)

- I'm dateless, why?

I'm a nice guy in
a chicken suit.

Are there any women
out there for me? Huh?

- I can remember, of
course I can remember.

Why do you --

Stupid, I don't even know him.

(sirens)

- Ah damn it!

- Evening.

You know why I pulled you over?

- No I don't know,
was I, was I speeding?

Did I miss a stop sign?

- No you're wearing
a chicken suit.

- What?

- I'm just kidding, you
got a tail light out.

Let me see your license
and registration.

- Ah, ok, who's an idiot?

Hey Cecil, yeah, I'm the retard.

Of course I'm --

Yup I'm retarded, it's
me, your daddy, retarded.

Why did I have to wash her

number off my hand? Why? Why?!

Did I have to? Did
I have to? Huh?

Did I have to wash her
number off my hand?

No I didn't, no I didn't.

Come here, come here.

Give me some love.

- So what's the hardest
part about rollerblading?

- What?

- Telling your dad you're gay.

(chuckling)

Not that there's
anything wrong with that.

Oh hey buddy,
where' your costume?

- Don't have it.

- Why aren't you dressed up?

- It's a long story.

- What are you suppose to be?

- A loser.

- Oh.

- Oh let me guess, two assholes?

- No, pirate, referee.

Close though, Max Eva, Eva Max.

- Hello.

- Holler!

- So where's your date?

- Which one? The first
one I lost her number.

The second one, her dad
chased me down the street

with a shotgun
tried to shoot me.

- Maxy, with no
date, the winner is

Mr.Youthhostile over here.

- [Dean] Keys please.

- I still have 'til midnight.

- That's true, that's
true, that is true.

- [Dean] What?

* Captain Smith and Pocahontas

* Have a very mad face.

* When her daddy
tried to kill him.

* She said daddy oh
no don't you dare

* He gives me fever

* With his kisses, fever
when he holds me tight

* Fever, I'm his
misses, so daddy

* Won't you treat him right

* Now you've
listened to my story

* Here's the point
that I am making

* Chicks will only
give you fever

* Being Fahrenheit or Centigrade

* They give you fever

* When you kiss them

* Fever if you live and learn

- Looks like Max is gonna
regain the title bro.

She's giving him a private show.

- No way dude.

She's dancing like
that for everybody.

- Yeah, I don't think so.

- I got the title right here.

(laughing)

* Fever, 'til you sizzle

* What a lovely way to burn

* What a lovely way to burn

* What lovely way to burn

* What a lovely way to burn

(applause)

- [Voiceover] (unclear
speech on mic)

Next up, Nunzio with YMCA.

- Hey, hey, hi that
was a great song.

- Thanks.

- I've been seeing
you all over the place

and I don't even know your name.

- Nicolette.

- Max.
- [Nicolette] Hi Max.

- Whoa.

Dude stop touching me.

He likes to touch
me inappropriately.

- He's joking, I don't
like to touch him.

- Thank you.

- At least me and my girl match.

We should get points for that.

- I'm taking away
points for that.

- Did you come
here with someone?

- No.

- Do you have a boyfriend?

- No.

Do you wanna go someplace quiet?

- Yeah.

- Let's get out of here.

- Ok.

- You only cost two grand.

- Wait wait wait.

- What?

- Do you have a condom?

- Yeah, I do.

Ah shit!

- What?

- It's ripped.

("Never Done This Before" by
Mazarati featuring Rosie Herald)

- [Allison] Thanks
so much for coming.

It really means a lot.

- [Voiceover] Allison (mumbles).

- [Voiceover] Thank
you for having us.

- [Voiceover] It's
an honor to be here.

The colors you used in this set,

they're absolutely vibrant.

- [Allison] Oh thank you.

- I honestly like
that one the best.

That one, over came like --

- Yeah, now that one was
a lot of fun to take.

- [Dean] Oh ho oh.
- [Tom] Ohh ho oh.

Ladies and gentleman
we have a winner.

- [Dean] Damn.
- [Eva] Winner.

- Keeping the girls waiting?

Daddy's gotta go
make a sandwich.

You kids have a good night.

- [Dean] Peace.

- Ah you guys need a lift?

- [Dean] Yeah sure.

I'm a dirty girl.

- I'm a dirty girl.

- [Dean] Tickle.
- [Eva] Tickle.

- Tickle my nut sack.
- [Eva] Tickle my --

- My nut sack.
- [Eva] My nut sack.

- Tickle my nut sack.
- [Eva] My nut sack.

- Tickle my nut sack.

- [Eva] Tickle my --

- She doesn't even know what
I'm saying, that's great.

- Dean, Dean, if you don't
kiss her in five minutes,

you lose the bet.

- Alright, alright.

- What is bet?

- You speak English?

- What is bet?

(speaks foreign language)

- Can I have a green tea please?

- This is not part of deal.

- She speaks English dude.

- This is not part of deal.

Won't have nothing to
do with you and your

pervert friends.

- Can't believe he stood me up.

What a jerk!

- Where's Eva?

- She hopped in the cab.

I'll catch up with her later.

You know how it goes.

It sucks.

- Excuse me.

- Well looks like you lost.

Guess you'll be
cleaning my apartment .

- What?

That was a joke dude, you
weren't gonna put your car

on the line right?

- I bet my car, it's not a joke.

- We were joking dude.

- Ok, just at least
admit that I won.

- No.

- Just say it, I won.

- No.

- Just say I won.

- [Dean] No.

- Say Max Burns won.

- No.

- Just win, won, say it won.

- Nope.
- [Max] Win.

- Nope.
- [Max] Win.

- Nope.
- [Max] Max won.

- I didn't even wink.

- Just man up and just say
you'll clean my apartment

at least one time.

- I'm gonna go take a man piss.

You gotta see this.

- What?
- [Dean] Come on.

- What?

- Oh Max! Max wait!

- Bro the tire's slashed.

- What?

- It's slashed.

- Max! We can make this work!

(laughing)

- Oh my gosh, wow! It was great.

- [Allison] You liked it?

- Yes.

- Oh thank you so
much for coming.

It means so much.

- [Woman] I'm so proud of you.

- Thank you.

I hope you have a
good night though.

- You too honey.
- [Allison] Thanks bye.

- So let me get this
straight for the record.

Technically we're both losers.

- We're absolute,
absolute losers!

- Take it easy bro.

- It just comes natural.

It's who you are, you know?

- Well what were you
just looking for?

- I don't know, when
I see it I'll know.

- All work and no play
makes life very boring.

Know what I mean kid?

- Always give to one
another without expectation.

- You wanna walk with me?

Max, who are you?

It sounds like you need
to remember who you are.

- Somewhere I gotta be.

- Bro where are you going?

I love you.

(knocking)

- Allison!

(knocking) Allison!

(knocking) Allison!

(knocking)

Allison!

(knocking)

Allison I'm sorry
for being such a jerk

and now showing up this evening.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

I'm an idiot.

- You stand me up and now
you're trying to make up for it.

I mean why?

I'm not even your type.

- I was wrong, I
thought I had to live

some executive life style
and have some stereotypical

bimbo on my arm but I don't,

I don't want any part of it.

Look I don't have all the
answer but I did learn

a valuable lesson.

- What lesson?

- That I like you
for who you are.

- Well you have a strange
way of showing it.

I mean what made you
come to your senses now?

- A few things did, mostly
what you said the other night.

You know, remember who you are.

It hit me, I mean I was
putting so much value

into what other people thought

and I was ignoring
my feelings for you.

And I'm an idiot and I'm sorry.

Where are you going?

- Home.

- Well can I walk with you?

- Well that'd be a start.

- [Max] So that's my story.

I know how much
you like flowers.

Now I'm no ladies man

and I haven't figured out women

but I did learn one thing,

you shouldn't be
kissing strangers.

("Stray My Way" by DJ Tory Tee)