King Knight (2021) - full transcript

Our story begins in the land

of broken dreams,
not so long ago.

A time of great division
and technological sorcery.

But not
all hope was lost...

For some times,
the most beautiful flowers

grow in the biggest
piles of shit.

We're so lucky to
have found each other.

Luck had nothing
to do with it.

- To the great horned god.
- And our dear mother goddess.

My name's Thorn
and I'm a witch.

A real witch.



I'm not evil,
I don't sacrifice children,

and the only time
I ever participated

in group sex was in college.
Which, made me

so uncomfortable
I couldn't even get a boner.

This is my life
partner Willow.

She's a registered nurse

living out her dream
to help others.

She supports my dreams to,
which is what gave me

the courage to toss
my hat into the ring of

the highly competitive
bird bath industry.

And this was the calm
before the storm.

Before my past finally
caught up with me.

We should burn some sage.

Have you given
any more thought?



It's not me, right?

Am I the reason you don't
want to have a family?

Sweetheart,
we already have a family.

Stay here.

What's going on?
For a second, I thought

you were one of those kids
from the catholic boys' school

lighting another bag
of shit on fire.

We're all fucked up
over relationship issues.

We need guidance
and healing before

the Beltane
celebration tomorrow.

We didn't know
who else to go to.

This is my coven.

We recently decided
to simplify our lives

by color coordinating
and mostly wear black.

Not to look scary, but because
it flatters every skin tone.

Desmond's a tow-truck driver.

He's got a heart of gold, and
a passion for European cinema.

Especially the work
of Juliette Binoche.

Neptune's a US postal worker
who loves potato vodka,

sports betting,
cold cut sandwiches,

and has a spoiler on his car
that's so big he can't drive.

Desmond and Neptune met four
years ago at an impound lot.

What started as a heated
altercation evolved

into a spirited
love affair.

Alright, boys.
How can we help?

Well, we were at Saints
& Sinners the other night,

and he... I caught him
looking at a girl's ass.

- I -okay...
- It wasn't the first time.

I was looking at
the flared lace pants

- she was wearing.
- Uh huh.

Okay, I wasn't checking
her physical form.

Just be honest.
Okay? With me.

Be honest.
Are you even gay?

You've been fucking me
in the ass for the past year.

Does that sound like
something a straight person

- would let someone else do?
- I don't know if you're

just thinking of
a blonde with big tits?

While I'm being
fucked in the ass?

Boys, calm down. Human
sexuality's a complex thing.

And there is
definitely a spectrum.

I've known Desmond
for years, however.

We even shared an apartment
together after college,

and I feel confident in saying
that he is incredibly gay.

Yeah. I'm probably
even gayer than you.

- I doubt it.
- This isn't a pissing contest.

It's not so important

where either of you
fall on the spectrum.

What's important is
that you're both in love.

Are you both in love?

I love him with all
my heart and soul.

I think that he's
uneasy about the fact

that his last boyfriend
left him for a woman.

Draw your ex-boyfriend.

It's time to
rid yourself of

all that jealousy
and resentment.

Repeat after me:
"I release you."

- I release you.
- Okay.

- I release you.
- I release you.

- I release you.
- Keep saying it.

- I release you.
- Let it out.

I release you!

I haven't been fair to you.

And I'll try harder.

You know,
it actually means a lot to me

to find out that I'm more
to you than just a hole.

You're so much
more than a hole.

You're my whole world.

Percival works
at a camping goods store.

He's an amateur welder, expert
in the art of tying knots,

and has an unhealthy distrust
of government institutions

ever since catching
his middle school class

treasurer
misappropriating funds.

Rowena's a popular
witch on social media

known for her herbal medicine
workshops and potion sprays.

When she's not preparing
remedies, she's doting over

her two rescue kittens,
Mortar and Pestle.

Percival met Rowena
by sliding into her DMs

to inquire about
a salve for a butt fungus

he contracted at
the Edwardian ball.

They've been
inseparable ever since.

I'm do self-conscience
about the way I look.

I can't bear
to have sex with someone

as beautiful as my wife.

Past few months,
hideous has been my key word

search on PornHub.

Don't get me wrong,
I still love my crystal dildos.

Still working
with the rose quartz?

- I switched to amethyst.
- Hm.

But, I miss having that
connection with my partner.

He's lost in his own head.

Can't you just
gain like 20 pounds?

If you can't accept
me the way that I am,

what are we even doing
in a relationship?

Percival,
you just need to learn to love

yourself as much as
Rowena loves you.

I know that you are hurting,
but it is selfish to

take your insecurities
out on your partner.

I'm sorry, baby.

I'll be better for you.

What a beautiful verbal
expression of love.

Go home, and express that same
kind of love with your penis.

Angus owns
a brewery chain that

caters to the local
collegiate crowd.

Last year,
he was arrested for directing

traffic with two baguettes
he found in a dumpster.

Echo's a freelance writer
with a social justice slant.

She's not afraid to share
her opinions, which rubs some

people the wrong way,
but she's usually right.

Angus and Echo met at
a diner where she warned him

about ordering
fish on Mondays

and he replied,
"Mind your business."

45 minutes later, she kindly
drove him to emergency care.

Last month,
Angus brought a dog home.

He knows I'm a cat person.

But what really
gets under my skin is

he named the dog
Women's Rights.

Forgive me for naming
our dog after something

that I am very
passionate about.

I just don't know
why you have to put a negative

- spin on everything.
- Says the guy walking

Women's Rights
around on a leash.

My intentions were pure.

Your intentions might be pure,
but they're entirely misguided.

Thank you.

Since the dog
belongs to both of you,

it is only right that you
both should agree on the name.

But think about
that poor animal,

and all this conflict is
probably making him anxious.

The way that I see it, neither
of you is truly suffering.

The real victim here
is Women's Rights.

I'm sorry.

I should have put
more thought into this.

I just wanted you to
see how progressive

I've become so you would
be more attracted to me.

Well,
let's pick a name

that makes sense
for both of us.

Maybe something
a little less

politically charged
like Merlin.

Babe, that is my
favorite fucking wizard.

I know he is, babe.

I love it.
And I love you.

See how easy that was?

It's all about communication.

You two are miracle workers.

I don't know
how to thank you enough.

We did nothing other
than provide you two

with a platform to
express yourselves.

He totally stole
that from me, by the way.

What?

Merlin's my favorite
fucking wizard.

It's so cute how much
the coven seems to admire you.

We're a team, and I wouldn't
have it any other way.

Not too shabby
for a couple of outcasts

living life
on the fringe.

Just think, someday...

we'll have a little
pariah of our own.

I'm sorry, darling,
I just... you're killing

the mood, and I hate to
waste a perfectly full moon.

It's always about
sex magic with you.

Not always.

Sometimes it's
about pleasure.

Good morning.

- Any new purchase orders?
- No, not yet.

Don't worry. Big bird batch may
be out to crush the little guy.

This season they got
another thing coming.

Happy Beltane, baby.

Covens celebrate the holiday

in unique and special ways.

These are our traditions.

You're sure
I can't convince you

to let me let
a bonfire tonight?

Every time you do this,
someone has a few too many

glasses of fruit wine and
fancies himself a fire jumper.

Angus assured you
it won't happen again.

He's learned his lesson.

Out of the question,
but I love you.

It just doesn't feel like
Beltane without a big bonfire.

You want to fire?
Light a candle.

Happy Beltane,
motherfuckers.

We're not having a
big fire this year.

- Why?
- Do you even have to ask?

I'm not trying
to be a buzz kill,

I just want to have
one Beltane celebration

that doesn't involve
a trip to the hospital.

What on Earth
are they doing?

I think they're
making a statement.

I told the boys,
no bonfire this year.

God's love 'em.

If only their brains
were as big as their hearts.

Hey, guys.

Hey!

For your
kindness last night.

It's fully functional
and battle ready,

Percival sharpened
it this morning.

Thorn's been in the
market for a new sword.

Your generosity
knows no bounds.

We have some mead and
fruit wine in the kitchen.

None for me, thanks.

I'll drink for us both.
Percival, wine me.

Happy Beltane.

God of Sun,
fire in the sky.

Light this earth
and warm the nights.

Warm our spirits,
hearts and hands.

Shed some light
upon this land.

In the spirit of fertility,

I have an announcement
I'd like to make.

I am with child.

Percival and I are
going to be parents.

How did you get pregnant
without having sex?

Oh, we scraped all the
cum off the laptop keyboard

right after and mix
it with some geranium oil

and fennel seed,
and what do you know? It took.

Congratulations.

Tonight,
we drink to Rowena.

Gift of new life.

Did you bring
your beer bong?

Does a bear shit
in the woods?

Oh! I always said you
had child birthing hips.

- Look at them.
- And I said it's made me

very uncomfortable
every time you said it.

What are you doing
admiring her hips?

I'm admiring her hips.
That's it.

- Just admiring them.
- This is great.

Oh, are you going
to eat the placenta?

- Obvi.
- What are you doing?

- He does this every night.
- Mhmm.

Have you talked about it?

You can't talk to someone
who's on the floor.

You can't.

Hi!

We love you guys together,
you know that, right?

You guys are going
to be amazing parents.

Yeah.
Oh, so kind of you to say.

But seriously, if your child
wants to be a snake miller,

you have to
encourage that dream.

- You promise?
- Yes, of course.

Because if I had supportive
parents, I would be in a

fucking serpentarium
milking a snake as we speak.

Okay.
Okay.

He gets like this every
single time he drinks.

I love 'em.

We're so delighted
for you both.

And what better occasion

to make an announcement
than Beltane?

Such a blessing.

Hopefully,
this time next year,

we will be adding
to the coven ourselves.

Let's go circle dance.

Thorn doesn't dance.

Not even at our
hand fasting ceremony.

Come on, Thorn!

It's just dancing.

This was the Beltane
to end all Beltanes, babe.

You've really
outdone yourself.

What's the matter?

You need to stop pressuring
me to conceive a child.

I know it comes
from a place of love,

but I'm just
not ready yet.

I understand.
Really, I do, I don't...

I don't know
what's gotten into me lately.

Have you been taking
those male enhancement pills,

the ones from
the gas station?

What the hell does that
have to do with anything?

You come here acting like we're
the freaks for loving nature,

promoting inclusivity
and honoring women.

How many more reformation
is it going to take

for you to
leave us in peace?

We got a problem here?

You've got five seconds to get
off my lawn before I cut you up

into communion wafers,
get the fuck out of here.

See that?

That's what you get
when you take the feminine

out of the divine.

People seem to
hate us so much, sometimes.

I forget not to
hate them in return.

I've been dealing with
bullies all my life,

sometimes throwing
their shit back

at them makes for a
teachable moment.

And other times
it creates more of a monster.

I leave it up to the fates.

Well, you certainly
got creative threats

down to a fine art.

Thanks, honey.

I really admire the way
you kind of just stood there.

Mr. Thornton Adams.

What are you
doing on the couch?

Did we get into
a fight I don't remember.

Who are you?

I have no idea what
you're talking about.

Most likely to succeed.

Prom king.

Class president.

My very own life partner,

a member of the
unholiest of trinities.

It's crazy.

How did you find out?

Forget how I found out.
That's not what's important.

What's important is
that you have been lying

to me for the
past several years.

My little nonconformist,
a member of what?

Student government.

And now.

For the rest of my life,
I have to reconcile the fact

that the prom king
put his penis inside me.

It makes me
sick to my stomach.

Maybe you're pregnant.

I am not pregnant, Thornton.

I mean, Thorn.
Such a badass name.

But, Thornton.

You might as
well be a Jack.

Just tell me this,

and be completely
fucking honest,

did you play sports?

Oh god.

Tell me it was
squash or jai alai.

What was it?
What sport did you play?

- Lacrosse.
- No!

No! No! No!

Oh my god!
I fucking hate you!

I think
I might have overreacted.

It was not right of me
to keep this a secret from you.

To betray everything I stand
for and everything you deserve.

I've invested
too much time

into this relationship
just to throw it away

because my partner is
the living embodiment

of everyone who made
my youth a waking nightmare.

Just come clean.
I want to know everything.

I was born in a
pretty small town.

I was raised
by a single mother.

I wanted to make her proud.

Dressed like she wanted,
worshipped like she wanted.

Participate in extracurricular
activities that look

good on a college resume.

Whatever it took to
maintain the wholesome

image that she wanted.

Gross.

But deep down,
I was questioning everything.

Sure, my Nautica shirts,
and my 311 CDs says

all-American boy on
the outside, but inside,

I was yearning.

For Victorian era frocks
and Bauhaus records.

I'm sorry, you were forced
to wear Nautica T-shirts.

It's unspeakable.

The only person who understood
me was my grandma.

She had a stroke.

Hasn't been the same since.

There is a hole in my heart.

And that is
when I stumbled upon my god.

I'd found my religion.
I found my people.

And when I found
you on All Hallows Eve,

casting the remains of a frozen
turducken into a funeral pyre,

that's when I knew
I'd finally found my person.

For a woman
who prides herself on

being non-judgmental,
I'm ashamed.

Don't be.

We're both guilty
of the same thing.

We've been forced
to feel like freaks

for so long that we've
forgotten that the seemingly

well-adjusted
need our support to.

Beneath cloaks
of Ralph Lauren,

blood flows
through their veins.

Just like the rest of.

I have a confession to make.

I RSVP'd
to your high school reunion.

Come on, Thorn.

You've been in
there for hours.

This is a sacred space,
forming a protective

barrier from all
who choose to hurt me.

You can't just enter a cone
of power once it's been sealed,

there are strong
energies at work here.

Grant me entry or I'm
willing to take my chances.

You lost your goddamn mind.

I can't let you
do that yourself.

Baby, I don't see
what the big deal is.

We RSVP and don't go
to things all the time.

That's not the issue.

You forced me
to face my past,

and now I've got
to deal with it.

What kind of hypocrite would
I be, encouraging that coven to

confront their problems
and not doing the same myself.

Did you read
any of your e-mails?

- Hell no.
- Well, as former

class president,
you're required to perform

a dance to
inspire school spirit.

You can barely
spiral dance.

And that involves
spinning in a circle.

Great horned god
why have you forsaken me.

You can make a decision.

I just want you to
have all the details.

Forget it.
We're not going.

At least
I won't have to see my mom.

You told me
your mother is dead.

This is a conversation
I would prefer to have

outside the Come of Power.

You don't have to go
to your stupid reunion,

but I want to
meet your mother.

I mean, for crying out loud,
we're life partners.

Okay, fine.

Hello, son. Who's the broad?

She's not a broad, she's
my wife and she's a priestess.

Well, thank you
for taking time away

from worshipping
Satan to reach out.

Thorne was thinking
about coming back

to his high school reunion,
and you came up and I just

wanted to tell you what
a decent man you raised.

Thornton.

It's horrifying enough
that I know what you've become.

Spare your former classmates
the same humiliation.

People of this town
were good to you.

Let them preserve
their memories.

There's no reason
they should know

their prom king's
become a court jester.

What's it like to go
through life so selfish

and not even know it?

Did you just
call me selfish?

I work from home so
that I can be here

to take care of
your grandmother.

Why do you work from home?
Oh, yeah, I remember.

It's because exposure
to sunlight causes

you people
to burst into flames.

- Sorry.
- I'm sorry.

Now you kind of got
to go to this reunion.

Thank you, Priestess.

Shall I present my mojo bag?

It's really brave of
you to tell the group.

But it never hurts to
have luck on your side.

I just need to take
a few drops of blood.

Can I get in an
anti-septic wipe?

- I think we're all out.
- You know how important

it is to me to practice
safe blood magic.

I think I saved last
month's menstruation.

I just need a minute
to remember where I put it.

I'm good with the
herbs and crystals.

Your funeral.

I have a confession to make.

The man you see before

you once led a very
different kind of life.

Can I get
something to eat, man?

My blood sugar's
just crashing.

Please, I'm trying...
I'm trying to do a thing here.

Years ago,
I was a high school student.

As many of you were.

Um, fuck.

Oh, god, um...

Only I...
I was popular.

I love how you just
assumed that we were

all losers in high school.

Yeah, back in the day,
I was swimming in pussy.

We have been over this.

Don't use the P word,
even as a cat alternative.

There's more
senior year I was...

I was awarded the most likely

to succeed superlative.

Crowned Prom King,
and I...

I participated in
student government.

Fuck you, man.

I know that after
preaching the virtues of

honesty and openness,
I seem like a hypocrite.

I assure you that
there's more to the story.

Thorn, I'm going to have to ask
you to give me my sword back.

Fucking bureaucrats.

You know, it's not
your past that I'm hurt by.

It's the way you seem to
have reduced all Wiccans

to a bunch of
marginalized outcasts.

I am a contributing
writer for Popular Mechanics.

My husband runs
a successful brewery chain.

You should have seen
our former coven back

in Montana,
it was all doctors and lawyers.

It's just this
place is a shit show.

We had some good times
brother from making mulled

cider to hand stitching our
own faun pants out of mohair.

Let me tell you,
there's no one

that I would rather
attend to bacchanal with,

but this coven is built
on a foundation of lies.

Seriously, is this really
happening right now?

Desmond says the P word,
Echo calls him out for it,

and none of you limp
dicks stand up for her.

Is this the kind of world I'm
supposed to bring a child into?

Hey, Desmond can say
the word pussy if he wants to.

It's his First Amendment right.

He just can't fuck it.

Yeah, he can say it if
he wants to sound like a pig.

Please, don't take your
anger out on each other.

I understand why you've not
wanted to have a child with me.

I'm just not dad material.

I'm leaving this place.
I'm going on a walkabout.

My fate as a member
of this coven rests in

your hands and I will
accept whatever you decide.

I've already
made up my mind.

Banish him.
Banish him.

Banish him.

Banish him.
Banish him.

Banish him.
Banish him.

Banish him.
Banish him.

Banish him.
Banish him.

Banish him.
Banish him.

Banish him.
Banish him.

Banish him.
Banish him.

Banish him.
Banish him.

Banish him.
Banish him.

You're too old
for a walkabout.

- You have weak ankles.
- I know.

If they can't accept you,
then we'll start out own coven.

A rival coven.
Or we can kill them.

I like where your head's at.

We're just not wealthy
enough to get away with it.

Let the coven reach
their own conclusions.

It's the coven way.

A hag stone, for protection.

I'm terrible with goodbyes.

I think it's best
you return to the coven.

Remember, stay hydrated.

Ugh.

Great goddess
of day and night.

Protect my loved one
with all your might.

You guys make me sick.

You bunch
of fair-weathered fucks.

Doth poo not flow
through your colons?

Where are you going, Angus?

I think you scared him.

Dear coven, you have
every right to be angry.

None of you got into
witchcraft to be different.

You got into it
because it fills your souls.

Please forgive me
for deceiving you

and misrepresenting myself
based on false presumptions.

Farewell, Thorn.

P.S.: Remember to
feed Lord Whiskers.

Which one of you jerks
drank all of my ayahuasca?

You're stupid!
You're a know-it-all!

You're too liberal!
You're not liberal enough!

You're desperate for attention!

You're a hypocrite!
You are too effeminate!

You're a closet-misogynist!

You are a liar!

You're scaring the campers!

I'm a work in progress!

Did you nab him yet?

Negative.

What's
your 20? I'll send back-up.

Sweetheart,
I am the best goddamn ranger

this park has ever seen.

If you send back up,
it'll slow me down.

I will apprehend
him in due time.

I'm afraid, new friend.

I'm afraid they're all
going to make fun of me,

which sounds so juvenile.

I understand
what you're going through.

During a storm,
I fell from a tree.

Now here I am, a lowly pine cone

surrounded by all
these beautiful herbs.

How do you deal?

I just
keep to myself.

Fuck herbs.

They're just garnish.

Psst, hey! Never
take advice from a pine cone.

Oh fuck you.

Listen to her,

acting as if she's the only
one who's been displaced.

Ever heard of a little
something called erosion?

That's nothing
but an old oak's tale honey.

Conifers these days.

You've got no
respect for your elders.

Hey,
quit hitting the elements

so hard, you fuck.

Shut your goddamn scales.

If Pine Cone's so
wrong, what's your advice?

True happiness
comes from opening your heart

to the world.
Not closing yourself off.

Get your own house in order
before you go spreading seeds.

Yeah.

Ah! Fuck you, man.

Merlin?

You're me and my friend
Angus' favorite fucking wizard.

I'm everyone's favorite
fucking wizard.

I love you, man.

I love you, too, Thorn.

That's why it's been
so hard to see you struggle.

There's a lot going on.

I know. I am Merlin.

I know everything.

And I'm here to help.

So, then you know that
I have no idea how to dance.

And I'm about
to embarrass myself

in front of all
my former classmates.

You're coming at these
things all wrong, Thorn.

Dance is self-expression.

There's no wrong way to do it.

I've seen you
build those bird baths.

You're an artist just like me.

And I've also read
all the comment sections

on your website.

The trick is keep
making your art your way

without becoming
bitter towards those

who don't appreciate it.

Remember. Everyone has
a right to their own opinion.

So, pick a song
that speaks to you.

Throw caution to the wind,

and most importantly, have fun.

Before you do
the dance of fatherhood,

you must do the dance of life.

♪ Every shoe's a dancing
shoe if you wan it to be ♪

Yeah! Yeah!

Merlin! Merlin!

Hands where I can see 'em!

You thought you
could escape me that easily.

Do you know who I am, boy?

Kill the ego.
Kill the ego. Kill the ego.

I am the most
decorated ranger in this park.

I did not get to
where I am by being loved.

Kill the ego. Kill the ego.

Fear, command, respect.

Kill the ego. Kill the ego.

Fear, command, respect.

Look at you, son.
Quaking in your boots.

By the power
of three, so mote it be!

Please don't be dead.
Please don't be dead.

Please don't be dead.

Please don't be dead.
Please don't be dead.

Please don't be...

Ego's just an illusion.
It was all in your head.

You're my rock.

As the stall door locks shut,

Thorn took his rightful
place upon the porcelain throne

and rid himself
of shame, insecurity,

and a few
oatmeal raisin cookies.

He clenched his eyes,

journeyed through
his subconscious mind

and harnessed
the spiritual energy

to conquer his own
worst enemy: himself.

And so began
Thorn's personal renaissance,

a time of rebirth,
renewal and acceptance.

Just so, you know,
I didn't request a pool

or shared or
whatever this is.

As if I did.

Do you have a favorite food?

Lasagna.

Yeah, I like lasagna too.

How old were you when
you first tasted lasagna?

I was a kid.

I remember
my first time, I was like 15,

maybe 16. It was at
my friend Rory's birthday party.

His mom brought it
out with a candle in it.

A candle in the lasagna?

- Yeah.
- Okay.

Since there was a candle in it,
I thought it would be sweet,

and I tasted it,
and it was savory.

I looked at it kind
of like as a metaphor, you know?

How?

Something can look
one way, taste another way.

You see a candle
in a round circle,

you think it's
going to be sweet.

Savory.

Let's vote.
How many of you are in favor

of Thorn remaining in the coven?

Raise your amulets.

Thank you.

All those in favor of banishing
Thorn from the coven.

How can you turn
your back on Thorn so easily?

You're behaving like
teenagers on social media.

This is a witch hunt
disguised as democracy.

Democracy?

Democracy is
a fucking illusion.

A lot of you,
you might not know this,

but Thorn was
the first friend I made

after coming out of the closet.

And he didn't
get laid for a year

because everyone thought
he was gay by association.

Now, that might not seem
like a lot in the big city,

but in the small town
that we lived in, that...

that meant an awful lot.

So, Thorn is my brother,
and I love him for who he is

just the same way he loves me.

So, I refuse to participate
in this coven without them.

Mm-hmm.

Thank you.

I don't deserve you.

Come on.
That's not true. Come on.

I'm a liar, Desmond.

And I've been struggling
with a secret of my own.

I think I'm...

I'm straight.
I think I'm straight, I'm...

I think
I'm straight, I'm straight.

And um, all the accusations

I've just been projecting
my own insecurities onto you.

That's usually how it works.

I deserved that.
And you deserve better.

You deserve
someone who loves you

for your hole, and your soul.

We're all great
people doing our best.

But we're full of shit.

We all have poo in our butts.

Every last one of us.

I got some poo
in my butt right now.

Wait, even Juliette Binoche
has poo in her butt?

Even Juliette Binoche.

I'm sorry,
if you expect me to believe

that Juliette Binoche
has poo in her butt,

you're all out
of your goddamn minds.

You know,
now that I'm hearing it,

it seems like a stretch.

It does seem kind
of wrong to presuppose

that Juliette Binoche
has poo in her butt.

Being a Parisian
national treasure doesn't

exclude anyone from
having poo in their butts.

I think we just need to
agree to disagree on this one.

Don't worry about it.
I'm constipated.

Oh, you might
have to let me out.

We all have poo in our butts,

and it's about time
we started acting like it.

My darling Thorn,
cursed with two left feet,

is about to come
out of the broom closet

to his entire graduating class,

and I'll be damned if I let
him do that without his family.

Who's with me?

Give me the keys. I'll drive.

Becoming your best self
doesn't just happen overnight.

Hopefully,
you can find it in your hearts

to spare me this last indignity.

Great horned god,

forgive me for
what I'm about to do.

Oh!

How are you doing, brother?

Hold on. Hey, pal.

Can you put your arms up
and out for me like an airplane?

I don't see you using
a metal detector on anyone else.

It's nothing personal, man,

I just don't see anyone
else dressed like Anton LaVey.

All right, you're good.

Thornton.
But, I go by Thorn now.

- Thornton Adams?
- That's me.

Dude, it's Nicholas Reed.
You probably don't remember me.

I was heavy into
Slipknot back then.

Of course I do.
I just don't recognize you

without your
signature green hair and JNCO's.

I didn't recognize you
without your Abercrombie shorts

and a baseball cap.

- Dude, the tables have turned.
- How's life? You happy?

Is anyone?

Same old Nicholas Reed.

Look, man, just
because I appear presentable

doesn't mean I've
stopped hating myself

or taking pleasure in
watching the world burn.

You know,
I'm not a total sellout.

So, you know, give some credit.
How about yourself?

I'm more of a witch than
an anarchist, but I dabble.

Well, good luck in there.

Good seeing you.

Good seeing you.

Thornton Adams?

Alexandra.

What happened to you?

I went searching for
happiness and I found it.

And then I lost it again.

Well, sorry I asked.

I too am sorry. That you asked.

You know, as class president,

you really should
have spearheaded this thing.

It took a lot of work

and you completely
ignored my e-mails.

That was wrong
of me and I'm sorry.

I really
appreciate you taking charge.

Everyone does.

Maybe since you put so
much hard work into tonight,

you'd like to perform the dance.

Not having to perform the dance

is the only perk
of having lost to you

in the class presidential
election by a landslide.

That was nothing more
than a popularity contest.

You've always been
a far more capable leader.

It's good to see you're still

the same smart
driven woman at that.

That great eye for
pantsuits that I remember.

Thanks for acknowledging that.

My pantsuits do
mean a lot to me.

Going to be a tough crowd,
but I'll be rooting for you.

Okay, everyone.

It's time to
give a big rattlesnake

round of applause to
our former class president,

Thornton Adams.

Many of you
remember me as Thornton,

but these days I go by Thorn.

Because it's more evocative.
And it sounds cooler.

That's Thorn. Not to
be confused with "Torn",

the hit single
from Natalie Imbruglia's

groundbreaking
album "Left of the Middle".

A song that's as
fresh and relevant today

as it was back in 1997.

A song that it
deals with universalities

such as heartbreak,
the loneliness of abandoned...

No one cares, bro.

Look at
this fucking dingleberry.

Forgive me for blathering on.

I can't believe I'm so nervous.

Maybe I'm taking this
a little too seriously.

I mean,
it's just a dance, right?

It's tradition.

You all voted me
most likely to succeed,

whether or not I've lived
up to that superlative depends

entirely on how
you measure success.

If it's about money,
then I'm an abysmal failure.

I'm in the birdbath business,

peddling my wares on
the online marketplace.

It's thankless
work and the money's shit

but, birds too,
deserve the confidence

and self-respect that comes from

placing an
emphasis on good hygiene.

Jesus Christ,
enough already. We get it.

Yeah, I don't even remember you,
you fucking narcissist.

But if you define
success as finding true love,

creating your own slightly
less dysfunctional family,

and living life
on your own terms,

then I'm the most
successful guy on the planet.

I fucking love you, baby.

I fucking love you, too.

Hey!

If you've come to kill me,

I'd like to
finish my speech first.

I've come to apologize.

It's yours.

No take backs.

No take backs.

Fear not, good
people of Desert Dunes High.

The sword has been
returned to its rightful owner.

What say you, we fucking party.

You did great.

Thank you.

I haven't been back for so long

because I've been
afraid of what people would do

if they found out I was a witch.
But I'm no longer afraid.

For that, I would like
to thank my partner, Willow,

the wise old rock
I met in Kenneth Hahn Park,

and Merlin, my favorite wizard.

Okay. Yeah, he's
the one who drank my ayahuasca.

All that I ask is
that you do not judge me

for my religious beliefs.

I know it's hard. Believe me.

I'm guilty of doing it myself.

It's cool, man. We've all
got poo in our butts. All of us.

I'd like to wrap
things up with a quote

from the great
Roman orator, Symmachus.

"Does it matter what
practical system we adopt

"in our search for the truth?

"The heart
of so great a mystery,

"can not be answered
by following one road only."

Safe to say we'll be
skipping the 30 year reunion.

Also, if anyone would
like to purchase a bird bath,

please reach out to the email,

scrying or come up
to me after the dance.

Look, I'm sorry.

My friend Percival
can really suck sometimes.

There we go.

It's fine,
what doesn't suck these days?

Nothing. Nothing doesn't suck.

Sometimes, I just want to
watch the world burn, you know?

Yeah.

24 hours a day,
seven days a week.

I'm sure you've
heard this before,

but you would exude
a very powerful female energy.

Our coven could use a woman
like you to restore balance.

Let me think about it.

Are you by any chance gay?

Well, I wasn't until now.

Yo, what the fuck, man?

Hey!

- Get out of here!
- Hey, he's cool.

He's with me.
I'm sorry. My bad.

You gotta teach
me how to hog tie.

My pleasure.

Sorry.

I forgive you.

All right, everyone.

The time has come for what
you've all been waiting for.

Can everyone please
make some room for the dance?

Take it away, Maestro.

Forget everyone else, baby.

This mean I don't have to dance?

It means you can
do whatever you want.

I did put in an awful
lot of work into getting here.

Sometimes you've just
got a dance for yourself.

What's going on?

That was the sexiest
thing I've ever seen in my life.

Time to take your pill, Mom.

I love you.

At the end of the day,
we're all hypocrites.

It's human nature.
We all make mistakes.

Even Trent Reznor
flirted with ska music

back in the early 80s.

But it's never
too late to make amends.

Hey, Mom, it's Thorn.

I feel bad about
leaving a flaming bag of shit

on your doorstep.

Just wondering if
maybe you and grandma

would want to come over
some time for some lasagna.

Willow,
and I think that it's time

for a change around here.

As you all know, ego is
the enemy of good leadership,

and while we have always had
your best interests at heart,

we are ashamed to admit
that our egos played a big part

in attracting us to
positions of authority

in the first place.

We'd like to
nominate a new high priestess

to take over all leadership
moving forward. She's smart.

She's organized. She's
got a fresh, new perspective.

And she has got one
hell of an eye for pantsuits.

I'd be honored, but not
unless the coven agrees.

Fuck it.

Yeah, fuck it,
why not try something new?

To Alexandra!

To Alexandra!

Excuse us.

Look at those shoulders.

What if he's an athlete?

We'll love him just the same.

Should we get a diaper?
Maybe he's got poo in his butt.

I don't smell anything.

Gods of our home,
gods of our hearth.

Knight is a member of this
family, and this is his home.

We ask you to welcome him.

We ask you to love him.

We ask you to protect him.

We ask you to bless him.