King Frat (1979) - full transcript

[instrumental music playing]

["King Frat" playing]

♪ King Frat, King Frat

♪ Welcome, everybody
Come and join the party ♪

♪ King Frat, King Frat

♪ The place is always crowded
Kids are always loaded ♪

♪ All the kids are playing
Everybody's stayin' ♪

♪ Always something
Crazy to do ♪

♪ Everybody knows
The place is a zoo ♪

♪ Kids are having
The times of their lives ♪

[all yelling and laughing]



♪ You can too

[laughing]

♪ King Frat, King Frat

♪ Booze is always flowing
Smoke is always blowing ♪

♪ Causing such a riot
Place is never quiet ♪

♪ Pulling stunts to put
The dean on the spot ♪

♪ When you run against
The campus' shot ♪

♪ Once you've seen him
There's no way to deny it ♪

♪ Sweet enough

♪ King Frat, King Frat

♪ Always on the run
Never meet the guardian ♪

♪ King Frat, King Frat

♪ Everybody's laughing
What a time they're having ♪

♪ Joking with their buddies
And teasing all the others ♪



[whistle blowing]

♪ It's a circus game
Instead of a school ♪

♪ And the clowns are trying
To break every rule ♪

♪ If you wanted
You can come join the fun ♪

♪ If you run

[tires squealing]

Oh, God. Would you
look at that?

♪ King Frat, King Frat

♪ Place is always funky
Everybody's talking ♪

♪ King Frat, King Frat

♪ Campus isn't moving
Because of what they're doing ♪

♪ Causing a sensation
And waking up the nation ♪

Gross!

Bobby, I can't believe
those guys haven't been
kicked out of school yet.

One more look
at those hairy butts,
and I'm gonna puke.

They still haven't found
the films they made
in the girls' locker room.

Betty, if I had a nickel
for every pair of panties
they've stolen from me...

They're a bunch
of jerk-offs!

Assholes!

[all laughing raucously]

♪ King Frat, King Frat

♪ The guys are always teaming
Imagine what they're steaming ♪

[farting]

♪ King Frat, King Frat

You rascals!

[groans]

[groaning]

[Dean Doyle]
I'm the dean of students
at this college,

and I'll deal
with the Pi Kaps
in my own way.

But, sir, they're
running rampant again.

I'm letting them
run rampant.

Got a new strategy
this year.

I'm not gonna bother
getting them
kicked off campus.

I'm not gonna bother
getting their charter revoked.

I'm gonna straighten out
the Pi Kaps personally.

Just like I straightened out
the state pen
when I was warden there.

But, sir, wasn't that prison
burned down to the ground
by inmates?

[blows]

Don't ever mention that.

Don't ever mention that!

When I take over...
[chuckles]

I'm gonna have everybody
walking the line.

Fraternities, faculty,
everybody.

And what I'd do
to Pi Kappa Delta,

[chuckles]

that will be a cornerstone
of my presidency.

♪

[clattering]

[men laughing]

[Splash] Did you see
that old lady
seeing my black ass?

"Look at that black ass!"

-Hey, Splash.
-Yeah?

I think I was recognized.

What, did you have
a harelip on your ass?

Hey. I'll see you.
I got to go to work.

Let's get the beer.

[laughing]

Whoo!

Hey, Chief! Chief!

Here's your ration, Chief.

Uh-uh!
It's suds call.

Hey! What's happening?

Hey, Kevin,
it's suds call.

Oh, no, no, I can't.
I got to go to the library,
do some studying.

Next time, though, okay?

-Okay.
-[laughs] Hey, Jock.

Don't strain yourself.
Yes, good.

Hmm. Hey, Chief,
how you doing, huh?

[gulping]

Hey, hey!
Suds call! All right!

Listen up and look up.
Here you go!

Here's one for you,
there's another one for you,

there's one for you,

and here's
a last one for you.

Hey, listen up.
Here's a kiss
for you, darling.

[farts]

[laughing]

[dripping]

-[bell clanging]
-Hey! Beer call!

Come and get it
if you want 'em, all!

-Hey!
-Hey!

Hey! There you go!

Got your lunches over here.
Now, look at it.

Come and get it.
Get it here.

Get your stuff.

[movie projector whirring]

[GrossOut]
Hey, you jerk-offs.
How about some beer?

Hey, hey!
Hey, what's going on?

Ooh, movies! All right!

Whoo-hoo!

[man 1] Hey!

GrossOut,
you are fucking gross.
Get out of there!

-[man 2] Come on!
-[man 3] Hey!

[man 1] Come on!
I've been waiting
all week to see her!

-[man 4] Oh, my God!
-[man 1] Jesus Christ!

Will you get out of there,
you stupid shit?

[man 1] Hey, here's
where they notice.
Watch this.

Watch, here's
where they notice.

[all laughing]

♪

I don't know what's coming.

Hey, Splash, you take care
with Dionysus here, okay?

Yeah, don't get his feet wet.

You motherfucker.

[sniffing]

Needs something.

Pepper. Pepper, that's it.

Oh. [spits] God.

GrossOut, where is Kevin?

Beats the shit
out of me, Chief.

How about some spags?

No, no.
White man food.

It don't matter.
It ain't done yet, anyway.

Look like... dog dropping.

[sniffs]

Smell like pig shit.

I know. I make
all your favorites.

[toilet flushing]

Chief, the toilets
are running again.

I tell you,
I tell all of you,

you put in toilet number one,
you put in toilet number two.

You put in something else,
it's not my fault.

Hey, GrossOut,
is that stuff ready yet?

Patience, Fred.

[spits]

That's ready.

And that's ready.

Hey, my gum.

Mmm.

That ain't it.

Where the fuck is that?

You work hard, Kevin.
That good. You genius.

You have bright future.

You'll be a rich man
before you 30 years old.

Red man like me?
No way.

Ten years I go
to the school on G.I. Bill,

still a sophomore.

I am screwed.

[sighs]

Kevin, do you know
how Yellowstream
get its name?

You know how Yellowstream
get its name?

I tell you many times.

But we're friends,
blood brothers.

Let me tell you
how Yellowstream
get its name, Kevin.

[tribal music playing]

Many years ago,
my people, the Kissawong,
lived on this very land.

Hunted the forests,
fished in the streams.

It was our land.

Then the white man came
and drove my people
up the river

into the rocky hills
where not even
a gopher could live.

My ancestors
didn't like that.

My ancestors pissed
in white man's water
for 50 years.

White man never knew.

Fucking dummies!

[chanting in native language]

Beer, Chief. Beer?

Oh.

Okay, okay.
Santa Claus is here.

Now, who ordered what?

[clanging]

How did it go
tonight, Splash?

Just like having your own
personal department store.

Say, where is GrossOut?
I just happen to have
his history paper.

[farts]

[exhales]

Holy shit!
Fart contest!

Whoo! What?

I say, what was Alpha
doing with this, huh?

Question is,
what are we
gonna do with it?

Yeah. [chuckles]

Hey. Hey, guys!

Look at this.
Look at this.

The Daily Crock
is sponsoring the contest.

That undercover rag.

GrossOut, I told you,
if you keep reading that thing,

your pecker's gonna
fall off.

Yeah, but look, it says,
"First annual fart contest..."

Wait, wait.
Let me see that.
Let me see that.

Oh, yeah.
It's for real.

Holy shit!
Five hundred bucks
for first prize.

Kevin, how many kegs
of brew is that?

Thirty-seven point eight
at today's market closing.

Holy shit,
37-point-fucking-8
kegs of brew.

Can you imagine that?

Man, we can party
all the way
to St. Patrick's Day!

[all exclaiming]

Uh, there's
an entrance fee, guys.

How much?

Shit, too much, 50 bucks.

Anything is too much.
Our treasury is already
blown, you guys.

Hey, wait a minute.
Wait a minute.

We got a cherry coming in here
tomorrow night, a new pledge.

Uh, Tommy...
Tommy something
or the other.

I think his parents
could be persuaded
to sponsor us.

[laughs]
You guys are just...
just too, too much.

Do you think we got
a chance at winning?

Does GrossOut
have an asshole?

[farts]

[laughing]

That's how
I spell "relief."

♪

[typewriter clacking]

[church bell tolling]

[organ music playing]

[Dean Doyle] Members of
Yellowstream community,

this is indeed
a sad day for us all.

We've come together today
to mourn the untimely passing

of one of the most respected
and revered members
of our community.

Our beloved president,
Robert J. McGafferty

It's heartwarming to see
so many students
and friends here today.

The mark of a man
is the love
he leaves behind,

and we are a college
full of love

for this fine
administrator...

[sobbing]

...educator,
and public servant.

[continues indistinctly]

Hey, look, there's
a vent we can use.

He was the youngest president
Yellowstream has ever had,

and his term of office
was unfortunately marred

by a general relaxation
of the discipline

for which Yellowstream
has been known.

And not all of us agreed
with Bob's handling
of student affairs.

Man, this is some
dynamite shit!

It's too bad we gotta
waste it like this.

Well, it might be
a waste of good shit,

but at least it's going
to a better calling.

[blowing]

[Dean Doyle] He was always
the first to admit

that he may have been
too easy on them.

But all that's
going to change.

The board of directors
is selecting a new president,

who, hopefully, will correct
the mistakes of the past.

[crowd giggling]

Who will move the school
back where it belongs,

where "discipline"
is not a dirty word,

and bizarre behavior
can be dealt with severely.

[muffled laughs]

I'm sorry that strikes you
as funny over here.

He spent his entire life
in academia.

He's never had the opportunity
to discover what people do

when all restraints
are lifted.

Right here,

right here on this campus,
we have a fraternity.

And I'm not mentioning
any names.

This fraternity feels
as though they have the run
of the entire school.

[crowd laughing]

Well, they're in
for a big surprise!

What the hell
is so damn funny?

[all laughing]

I wasn't warden at state pen
for nothing.

I know how to deal
with people.

I won't make
the same mistakes
McGafferty made.

He was weak.

He thought
you could make students
listen to reason.

You were a fool!

[hysterical laughter]

And see where it got you.

Well, now it's my turn!

You rat-fat-faced,
mealy-mouthed weasel!

I'll bury you myself!

Those punk heads, they think
that college is summer camp!

You farty freak!

You coddled
and babied them.

Are you listening to me?

Listen!

Good riddance!

[yelling]

You schmuck!

Hell, yeah!

This is the time, baby!

[yelling indistinctly]

I'll dig the hole myself!

[laughter continues]

♪

Oh, yeah.

So how do you like it?
Neat, huh?

This can't be it.

Oh, God! Tommy dear,

when Dad and I said
you could pledge a fraternity,

we had no idea you'd choose
something like this.

We thought perhaps
you'd choose a nice house.

A fraternity like
Alpha Omega.

No, Mom! Gee!

[Chief] Yeah!

-Whoo!
-Oh, my God!

[yelling in native language]

[exclaiming]

-Chief, Chief, Chief!
-What was that?

Ah! Missed him again.

Ah! Mr. and Mrs. Mathews.

Oh, how good of you
to bring Tommy with you!
[laughs]

Oh, hi, I'm Kevin.
Pi Kappa Delta's
pledge master.

Oh, and that over there,
that was Chief Latrine.

Hey, did you know
that he's a true
Kissawong Indian?

No, listen, you don't have
to worry about him.

He's a little shell-shocked
since the Korean War.

You know, we can't take him
to a Chinese restaurant.

[laughs] He thinks he's back
in Pork Chop Hill again.

[laughs] Get it?
Pork Chop... Forget it.

Hey! Hey, hey, Tommy.
How you doing?

You're all ready
for initiation day?

Hey, GrossOut is still here.
You remember the whole--

We'll just get
Tommy settled.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

No parents are allowed inside
when we initiate a pledge.

Oh, but there's
no need to worry.

Yellowstream has a fine
ambulance service.

[laughing]

[whistle blowing]

[door opens]

[drum roll playing]

Guys, meet the Mathews.

Mathews, meet the guys.

[creaking]

[growling]

[laughs]

Uh, there is a one-time
initiation fee, sir.

Did Tommy
explain that to you?

What for?

Oh, well, to assure that Tommy
doesn't get initiated.

What kind of a con game
is this?

Uh, George, I think
the boy is serious

and, um, sincere.

How much?

Oh... $500.

Five hundred dollars?

Ah, here's the official
Pi Kap courtesy car.

[Mrs. Mathews gasps]

Hello, everybody.

[laughs] And if you folks
are ready,

it will take you back
to the station.

Oh, you, sir,
keep writing, please.
Thank you.

-Tommy, remember to brush
your teeth every night.
-Okay, Mom.

-And no late
school nights, you hear?
-Okay.

-And remember to change
your underwear every day.
-Oh, Mom!

-Watch out, watch out.
-Make a hole. Make a hole.

Whoops.

[GrossOut]
Make another hole up there.

Let me introduce you
to Fred, our president.

Do you know that
he's been kicked out

of some of the best
schools in the country?

[Fred] Come on, Tommy,
I'll show you around.

[laughing]

Call once a week, son,
and write when you can.

Aw. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
There's really nothing
to worry about, sir. Really.

We've never lost
one of them yet, you know?

Well, just watch yourself
here, Mrs. Mathews.
Watch your head.

[laughs] Come on,
we haven't lost one yet.

There you go.

So, uh, where do
the other pledges sleep?

There are no other pledges.

You mean
I'm the only one?

Yeah, well,
consider it an honor.

Pi Kaps don't pledge
just anyone, you know?

-[burps]
-Think of all
the attention you'll have.

Excuse me, I gotta make
a fundraising call.

Uh, yeah, operator?
How much is that?

Eighty-five cents.

Just a minute.
I'll deposit.

Yes, you're quite welcome.

Have a nice trip.

Ta-ta!

[urinating]

-Hi.
-Hey!

Gumbroski is the name,
and drinking is my game.

This here is Griselda.
Say hi, Griselda.

[Griselda]
I love you.

[GrossOut laughs]

-Hello, Dad. Fred.
-[speaking indistinctly]

Fred. Fred, your son.

You know what I like
best about her?

She don't tell,
she don't swell,

she is grateful as hell,

she's disease-free,

and best of all,
she don't talk back.

[Griselda]
I love to please you.

[GrossOut laughs]

The point is, I'm really
getting myself together,

getting my, as they say
around here, my shit together.

You wanna have
a go at her?

Go ahead,
you don't gotta worry
about me being jealous.

[Griselda]
I love it.
I love it.

Make sure you give her
a good scrubbing

-when you're done
with her, though.
-Me?

Yeah, you. Go ahead.
Go right down the hall.
They're...

Griselda, right?

Yeah. That's
her name, Griselda.

[Griselda]
I love you.

[burps]

♪

[laughing]

[toilet flushing]

[Kevin] Hey, hey.
Listen to this.

"Habitual bean-eating

will multiply
the normal production

of intestinal gas
several times.

University of California,
Berkeley

found that raisins
and apple juice

doubled gas output.

Bananas increased it
by 50 percent,

grape juice by 20 percent,

and orange juice
and apricot nectar,
not at all.

Flatus is..."

Fart.

"...is sometimes
a sign of returning health

and surgeons use
its occurrence after surgery
as a signal for recovery."

[laughs]

Listen to this one!

"During electro surgery
inside the colon,

flammable intestinal gases
have occasionally
led to explosions,

sometimes with
fatal consequences."

[all laughing]

Are you ready?

I'm ready.

[farts]

[exhales]

How's that, guys, huh?

Oh, shit, GrossOut.

I've heard little kids
do better than that.

Yeah, if that's the best
you can do,

maybe we'd better forget
the entrance fee, huh?

Well, come on, guys.
How about give me
half a chance?

This is a big opportunity
for me.

You never know.
I might be able
to make my living at it.

[Fred] Well, then,
you're gonna have
to get with it.

Now you drink this.

[bubbling]

Oh, God!

What's in it, Chief?
It-- Ugh.

Smells like
it got turds in it.

What is it exactly, Chief?

Hairy buffalo punch.

Hairy buffalo, huh?

Two sips,
and you'll be getting
to smell like one.

Now drink it.

Oh, no way!

That stuff
really work, Chief?

Do white man
shit on toilet?

Down the hooch, GrossOut.

Ugh! Man, you can die
from that shit.

Well, we got a hearse
we could bury you in.

[laughs]

Okay, Jock.

I'm sincerely sorry
for what I'm gonna have
to do now, GrossOut.

No, no!

Okay, Chief,
pour it down.

[groaning]

[stomach rumbling]

[grunting]

[explosion]

[crashing]

I told you it works.

[groans]

[burps]

[indistinct chattering]

[Tommy]
You see that, GrossOut?

[Fred] I see it.

Let me handle this.

Oh, look
who's on your left.

-Hey, Nancy, girls.
-Hey.

I want you to meet Tommy,
our new pledge.

-Hi.
-Hi.

Say, maybe you girls
would like to join us

for a little
quiet dinner tonight?

Quiet dinner
at the Pi Kap house?
You're sick. [laughs]

Oh, we'll go out.
Sort of a celebration.

What's the occasion?

Pi Kaps are about to come
into a large sum of money.

-Hmm.
-Come on, we'll spring
for Chinese.

What do you say?

-Why not?
-Okay!

♪ Chinese tonight

♪ Egg noodles makes it right

♪ Just hold my hand

[gong chiming]

[oriental music playing]

[indistinct chattering]

[laughing]

Mmm.

Ooh, broccoli. Mmm.

Fish. [chuckles]

Mmm. Mmm.

Mmm. Mmm.

Mmm. Mmm.

Mmm.

[blows nose]

[burping]

[spits]

Well, here's one for you.

And another one for you.

Uh, I think I've had
enough, GrossOut.

"Enough"?

A Pi Kap never [burps]
has enough.

Drink it.

Well, I would if I could,

but I can't.

Come on, it's time
for our first lesson.

[woman yelling in Chinese]

You gotta put away
the sentiment, man.
You gotta drink the brew.

-At least a half
a case a night.
-Half a case?

Minimum half a case.
Hey, it ain't no sweat.

I had to start someplace.

Look, I didn't know
how to do it

till I learned
the Pi Kappa secret.

The secret?

Yes, secret. Look,
I've taught the best of them,

and I've taught
the worst of them.

You know that asshole Fred?

Well, he couldn't drink
a banana daiquiri
before I showed him the trick.

"The trick"?

The trick, the secret,
it's all the same.

It comes out
the same anyhow.

[burps]

-You see this finger?
-Yeah.

-Just a finger, huh?
-Yeah, just a finger.

-Notice anything
about this finger?
-No.

Well, watch this.

[gagging]

[vomiting]

[man speaking in Chinese]

That's what you call...

[coughs and burps]

...the Class III recycled
Lee Wong special.

[spits]

[coughs] Now I'm set
for the night.

The secret to drinking
is puking?

Shh! Not so loud.

God.

[woman speaking in Chinese]

Go ahead, you do it.

[gagging]

Aw, hold it.

Just wait a minute.
That ain't right.

Look, I don't wanna have
to show you this again,
so watch carefully this time.

[gagging]

[vomiting]

Go ahead, you try it.

[man] Okay.

[gagging and coughing]

I'm sorry, GrossOut,
I just can't do it.

It's okay, Tommy.

Come here.
I wanna talk to you.

[gagging]

[vomiting]

[coughing]

[panting]

Anybody can do it.
You just gotta want to.

Come on, kid, let's go.

You did it,
just like a trooper.

[laughs]

[clears throat]

Would you like
to take care of this?

[grunting]

[woman squeals]

[Fred] Oh, my God!
It's happening again!

Oh, Tommy, we gotta get him
to a hospital. Poor guy.

I told him not to eat...
Oh, Jesus Christ!

Hurry. He's not gonna
make it this time.

Oh, Jesus.

[men laughing]

That was terrific.
How'd you learn
how to do that?

Talent.

It's just talent, my friend.

Did you see that cook's face
when I was rolling around
on the floor?

[in Chinese accent]
"Oh, hey, big boy,

what you doing down there
on the floor, huh?"

[vomits]

Oh, shit!

Oh, no, puke!
That's yuck!

[indistinct chattering]

Kevin, Kevin,
where's the Chief?

Don't worry about it.
He'll be here.

That stuff has to be prepared
at the last minute
in order for it to work.

Any competition?

Hell, no. There's a bunch
of candy-asses down there.

Are you boys ready?

-Which one of you
is the contestant?
-Me.

I should have known.
You have such a big bum.

Please, don't be nervous,

because if you're nervous,
you can't get a good fart.

Be calm. Calm.
That's the main thing.

-[cheering]
-[fanfare playing]

I'm on! I'm on!

[audience cheering]

Simmer down.
Simmer down, please, please.

Shh! Folks, simmer down.
This is it, the main event.

Welcome to our first annual
Daily Crock Benefit
Fart Contest,

you beautiful people.

Now, before we start,
let me ask you all a question.

Anybody know
what a fart is?

Nobody.

A fart is the sharpest thing
in the world.

Goes right through the pants
without leaving a hole.

Huh, it stinks.
What can we do?

[all groaning]

-And now--
-[motorcycle revving]

[audience cheering]

Holy shit! Do you know
who that is?

Who?

That's Bucky Zackabreski, man.

-The Bucky Zackabreski?
-The Bucky Zackabreski. Yeah.

The Bucky Zackabreski
you told me about?

The same Bucky Zackabreski
that used to go out

with a certain
J.J. "GrossOut" Gumbroski
at high school?

The same. The grossest
of the gross, man.

[laughs] Yeah, well,
she doesn't look
so bad to me.

Oh, wait till you
smell her farts.

[audience cheering]

Hey, J.J.
I heard you was entered.

I've come to do battle with you.
Just like old times, huh?

Don't call me J.J.,
and don't think you'd get me
in the toilet again either.

Oh, J.J.,
it's been a long time.

You're lookin' good as ever.
You lost some of that baby fat.

But now you're
into new things.

Looks like I got
some stiff competition.

But just remember,
I taught you everything
you know.

Ugh! [spits]

Oh, just like that piggy
I went out in high school.

See you later.

[laughs]

Sure, I can understand
that you'd wanna treasure
your virginity, Joan,

but I treasure mine too.

It's just that if you
keep it buried too deep,
you may never find it.

I don't know, Tommy.

[fanfare playing]

Quiet, please. Quiet.
Calm down. Calm down.
We're about to start.

[laughing]

Our contestants are all primed
and ready to go.

Points will be awarded
on the basis of loudness,

and each contestant gets
three chances to perform,

and the total points scored

will determine his
or her final standing.

Now, each contestant
must break wind
within 20 seconds.

Anyone drawing mud
will be disqualified.

Ladies and gentlemen,
may the best asshole win.

-[audience cheering]
-[fanfare playing]

Let me explain to you
how this fartometer works.

It was created by some
of the brilliantest minds
in the history of fartology.

Now, the first level.

[fartometer beeping]

Hold your nose.

The second level. Phew!

[fartometer beeping faster]

The third level. A stink.

[fartometer beeping rapidly]

-The fourth level.
Check your pulse.
-[fartometer blaring]

Now let's get started!

[cheering]

From the Yellowstream College
School of Proctology,

known as "The Amazing Anus,"

Ira "Hemorrhoid" Cooperstein!

-[fanfare playing]
-[audience cheering]

[farts softly]

[beeps]

A flubber! A flubber!

[audience murmuring]

Good for only one point.

[fanfare playing]

-Kevin.
-Huh? What?

-I wanna know something.
-What?

How come if this is
a fart contest,

you keep rubbing
my shoulders?

All right, all right, all right.

Stay loose, GrossOut,
stay loose. Concentrate.

And there she is,
Miss Baked Beans of 1979.

Our beautiful lady.
A nice round of applause.

-[audience applauding]
-Yes, sir.

Yes, sir!

[audience cheering]

Position, please.

Ooh.

[audience whistling]

Please, let her concentrate.

[chuckles]

Oh, dear.

[farts]

[fartometer beeping]

[audience cheering]

[fanfare playing]

And now from
Pete's Super 60 gas station,

Frankie "Fartwell" Modjulario.

-[fanfare playing]
-[audience cheering]

He looks like a humdinger.
This boy looks like
a real winner. Yes, yes.

[audience cheering]

[Frankie grunting]

What's the matter, Frank?

Stage fright.

You know you made
an ass of yourself?

[audience booing]

[mutters indistinctly]

[male host] Next.
Who we got next?

Miss Bucky Zackabreski!

Oh, yes!

-[fanfare playing]
-[audience cheering]

Ooh, she's a beauty.

Position, please.

Hmm.

-[farts]
-[fartometer beeping rapidly]

And ace!
An atomic ace!

[all cheering]

[fanfare playing]

Chief, where have you been?

-You got the stuff?
-Of course I got.

I go prepare now.

And now, the contestant
you've all been waiting for,
the pride of Pi Kap frat.

Last but not least,
the inimitable
J.J. "GrossOut" Gumbroski!

-[fanfare playing]
-[audience cheering]

He looks like a champ to me.
Position, please.

[audience chanting]
GrossOut! GrossOut!

GrossOut! GrossOut!
GrossOut! GrossOut!

[farts]

[chanting continues]

-[fartometer blaring]
-[male host] And ace!
An atomic ace!

[all cheering]

Wonderful, wonderful,
wonderful!

-[fanfare playing]
-[audience cheering]

♪

[audience applauding]

[audience cheering]

[audience cheering]

♪ King Frat, King Frat

♪ Place is never boring
Everybody's exploring ♪

♪ Something's always brewing
Come, hear what they're doing ♪

[fartometer blaring]

[audience cheering]

[rumbling]

[explosion]

[howling]

[audience cheering]

♪ King Frat, King Frat

[fartometer beeping rapidly]

♪ Without a reputation
Constant recreation ♪

♪ King Frat, King Frat

♪ See who comes the closest
Trying to be the grossest ♪

♪ Always misbehaving
Everybody's waving ♪

♪ King Frat, King Frat

[all groaning in disgust]

[coughing]

[belches and groans]

Oh, we're fucked, Kevin.

Not so fast.

Look, I got
a little gadget here

for just such an emergency.

Look, I bought this off
from a guy from the physics lab
for five bucks.

It's an insurance policy.

Now, he said
it would amplify the sound

by at least 20 percent,
guaranteed.

[chuckles]
Just stick it in.

"Stick it in"?

[both] Stick it in.

[fanfare playing]

[farts]

-[fartometer buzzing]
-A four.

A lousy four.

Let's give her
a nice hand there, folks.
Come on.

This thing don't feel right.

Why? What's wrong?

It feels like it's slipping
or something.

[male host] Next!
Who we got next out there?
Who's next?

Everyone's waiting.
It'll be all right.

Ah, yes!
J.J. "GrossOut" Gumbroski!

How about it?

[audience cheering]

Quiet, please. Folks, quiet.

This is the moment
you've all been waiting for.

Please.

Are you ready?

Position, please.

[audience chanting]
Fart, fart, fart!

[farts]

[fartometer buzzing]

[defecating]

Gumbroski has drawn mud.

[all groaning]

Ladies and gentlemen,
the winner and new champion,

Bucky Zackabreski!

Oh, you won the contest for me,
didn't you, J.J.?

You still love me,
don't you, darling?

[indistinct muttering]

[groaning]

[Percy] I don't
trust them, Dean.

[Dean Doyle]
You don't have
to trust them, Percy.

All you have to do
is keep your eyes on them.

Surveillance, that's the key.

As long as you know
what they're doing,
they can't surprise you.

All right.

Those Pi Kaps can't go
to the bathroom

without me knowing about it.

So when they make
their next movement,

you'll be ready
and waiting, right?

Wrong, Percy.

You'll be ready
and waiting for 'em.

As soon as the selection
committee meets

to choose the next president
of Yellowstream,

I expect to be moving
out of this office
and into a larger one.

I've worked long
and hard for this.

I'm the logical choice.

They can't deny me.
I've brought this college
under control.

I've made everybody
toe the line.

All except the Pi Kaps.

The Pi Kaps!

That was McGafferty's fault.

He wouldn't let me bear down.

Well, now there's nothing
standing between me
and those guys. Nothing!

[chuckles softly]

They're finished.

They just don't know it yet.

[both laughing]

["Standing at the Crossroads"
playing]

[woman screaming]

Get your hands
off my ass!

♪ When I was
So much younger ♪

♪ Didn't know
How to care ♪

♪ I was so fast and free

♪ I was unaware

♪ Seen it on my own

♪ Somehow
I turned out great ♪

Yeah, but it wasn't too long.

Ooh, you already got
a beer, huh? Good music.

♪ Crossroads

♪ Now I'm at
The crossroads ♪

♪ Of my life

[Dean Doyle]
They're a mean,
rotten bunch, Percy.

Watch your step.

[Percy] 10-14.

[armor rattling]

[man yelling]

[laughing]

Hey, man.
I like your helmet.

[Dean Doyle]
Percy, what happened?

What the hell
is going on?

I think they like my costume.

Well, don't sit
on your ass, Percy.

Get up and go inside.

♪ Now I'm at
The crossroads ♪

♪ Of my life

♪ Crossroads

♪ Standing at
The crossroads ♪

♪ Of my life

[Dean Doyle]
Percy, what do you see now?

[indistinct chattering]

[Percy] I see a gorilla
dancing with a girl, Dean.

And I see a campus cop
without a job.

Cut the crap, Percy.

Get on with it!

Yes, Sir Dean.

♪ I'm at the crossroads
Of my life ♪

♪ Crossroads

♪ Now I'm at
The crossroads ♪

♪ Of my life

♪ Crossroads

♪ Standing at
The crossroads ♪

♪ Of my life

♪ If you're feeling down

♪ And confused on
Which way to go ♪

♪ Lost and at
The crossroads ♪

♪ 'Cause that keeps you
Feeling alive ♪

♪ And you might want
It out with me ♪

♪ Crossroads

♪ Now I'm at
The crossroads ♪

♪ Of my life

♪ Crossroads

♪ Standing at
The crossroads ♪

♪ Of my life

Want a sip of beer, Griselda?

J.J. J.J.,
where have you been?

Do you know how long
I've been looking for you?

No, how long?

Oh, J.J., come on.

We've had our bad times,
sure we have,

but I'm not a woman
who holds grudges.

I'm willing to forgive
and forget.

How about it, huh?

You think we should be
talking like this
in front of Griselda?

Griselda?
You mean that balloon?

-Kevin!
-Hi, Margie.

What did you come as?

Lady Godiva.

Good likeness.

Oh, J.J.,
give me another chance.

You won't be sorry.

Oh, yes, I will.

[groans]

Look, I gotta go
take a dump.

You sit here, don't get up,

don't move,
don't do nothing.

[Middle Eastern music playing]

Hey, you want a piece?

You got a piece.

[both moaning]

♪

Oh, damn, Bucky!

You don't even let a guy
take a good dump
without following him around.

Oh, J.J., it's just like
old times, isn't it?

It was the only time
to get you away
from that humanoid balloon.

Oh, shit!

Ooh, I love it when
you speak French to me.

[groaning]

[defecates]

Long time ago,
my people, the Kissawong,

lived on this very land.

[Chief]
Hunted the forests
and fished the streams.

Then the white man came.

The white man came
and drove my people up--

Let's do it. Come on.

Now? In the middle
of the party?

Yeah, now.

I gotta tell you,
this is gonna be on my ass.

Come on, come on.

[music continues]

[GrossOut] Damn it.

[GrossOut] Damn it.

Shh.

[yells]

I'll take the ball,
place it into my hand,

take this ball,
place it into your hand,
and close it tight.

There's a ball in my hand,
a ball in your hand,

and a wand
and a pocket watch.

One, two, three, mine's gone.
Open up your hand.

Two balls.

[man] That's crazy.

One more time.
We're gonna do it
a little different this time.

That leaves you
with two balls
and a magical wand.

Watch. When I hit
the wand over like that,

did you see it happen?

Don't open up your hand.

Could you rub your hand
over it like that,
if you would?

Rub your hand over.

I think something's happened.
What goes with two balls?

[giggling]

[all laughing]

You don't know
what goes with two balls?

Take a look and let's see.

[all laughing]

[gasps]

I'm telling you,
it's Griselda!

She don't eat garlic,

she's never embarrassed me
in front of my friends,

and most of all, Bucky,

her farts smell
better than yours.

-Oh, J.J.
-And don't call me J.J.!

Oh, I love it
when you get angry.

[slow music playing]

[GrossOut] Guys,
I gotta get in there.

I gotta go into the loo.
Look out.

[burps]

[urinating]

[exhales]

[woman] Get your hands
off my ass!

[screams]

Oh, J.J., I just love it
when you scream.

Give me a description.

It's about two feet
ten inches tall,
uh, 50 pounds,

well-hung.

Well-hung?

Yeah, you know. It has a...

[clears throat]
It has a large penis.

"Large penis."

Look, Boyd.

Hey, let me see that.

Oh, my God,
they defiled him.

Isn't that a rather
large wang

for a statue
two feet ten inches tall?

It's always been
that size, sir.

Stood here for 40 years.

It's our sacred phallus.

Look what they've done to it.

Your sacred phallus?

-I think I know
who's behind this, Lloyd.
-Who?

-So do I, Boyd.
-Who?

And I think this is the rope
that's gonna hang 'em.

Hang who?

We strike tonight, Percy.
We get 'em in one swoop.

Who?

[suspenseful music playing]

[snoring]

They are a mean,
rotten bunch, Percy.
Watch your step.

[Percy] Psst!

[clattering]

All right, everybody, freeze!

We got a search warrant.

Signed too!
No tricks!

All right, I've got you
by the short hairs now!

Breaking and entering, huh?

Burglary!

Possession of
stolen property.

That's big time.

No parole,
no probation, no mercy--

I'll see this traveling
circle jerks of yours
in leg irons!

And you, you slob,
don't try to look
so innocent.

I wasn't trying
to look innocent,
I was trying to look guilty.

Now, we've got a warrant
to search this place,

and you all know
what we're looking for.

So why don't you get smart?

Why don't you make it
easy on yourselves?

Turn over that statue
right now.

You're not accusing us
of stealing that--

Stuff a sock in it, son.

Percy, let's start searching.

Degenerate!

♪

Is there someone in there?

Answer me!

[farts]

[gags]

[coughing]

[clattering]

[sighs]

Oh, pardon me, miss.

Miss?

Miss?

Oh.

I love it. I love it.

Fornicate me.

Who, me? I'm married.

I love you.
Kiss me, kiss me.

Dean Doyle!

Dean Doyle!

I love to please you.

I'm a real girl.

[Percy] Dean Doyle!

Dean Doyle!
Dean Doyle!

Griselda!

I love you, I love you,

I love you, I love you,
I love you...

Filthy, disgusting degenerates!

[hissing]

You fucking murderers!

[yells]

Shit!

[crashing]

-I'll see you tomorrow.
-Okay, yeah. I'll see you.

-Bye-bye.
-Bye.

[sighs]

♪

[grunts]

Bobby, come on.

Betty, did you have a good time
at the homecoming dance?

I would have,
if it hadn't been

for that funny stuff
in the punch bowl.

You can't go
to a party anymore
where there's Pi Kaps

without having
those rubber things
floating around.

Wow!

This is terrific!

Bobby, I can't stand
those fucking guys.

They are such
total jerks.

Why don't they
kick 'em off campus?

Kick 'em off campus?

They ought to kick 'em
in the balls.

They ought to string them up.

They're disgusting!

Come on, give me
a boost up the tree.

We're looking
for bigger game tonight.

[chuckling]

Can you see anything?

Mm-hmm.

Yeah. [chuckling]

Is she pretty?

Mm-hmm.

[sighs]

What's she wearing?

Not much.

What is she doing now?

She's looking at me and...

and she's...

-[screaming]
-Screaming.

Oh, shit!

[grunts]

[groans]

[woman] I feel so awful
and so responsible.

-Should we take the mask off?
-Good idea.

Oh, my gosh.
He's so good-looking.

Why would he wanna go around
dressed as an ape?

It's a long story.

I feel so awful.
I hope he isn't badly hurt.

Are you okay?
Can you hear me?

[siren wailing]

[tires screeching]

Excuse us, ma'am.

-Can I go with him?
-Why not?

Come on,
let's follow in my car.

[tires screeching]

About time that jerk
took a tumble.

[siren wailing]

Air.

-[gasping]
-What?

-Air. [coughs]
-Air.

-I can't breathe.
-Okay.

I can't breathe.

I can't breathe. [coughs]

You can't breathe?

Do... Do you want me
to undo this?

Yes, yes, hurry.

[panting]

-It's jammed.
I can't get it out.
-Hurry.

[groaning]

Is that better?

[chuckles] Yeah.

Tommy, why are you
still there?

You're not turning into
one of those jerk-offs,
are you?

Do I have a choice?

[siren wailing]

Oh, my God, I'm sorry.

-Are you okay
-It's all right.
It's all right.

I want you to move.
You're on my stomach.
I can't breathe.

Could you move
down a little?

Yeah, a little. Yes.

You've got an erection!

Boy, I hope
he's not hurt too bad.

Don't worry. We'll be there
in a few minutes.

How is Kong doing?

[moaning]

[whimpering]

Okay, let me get a look
right in your ear.

Good. Very good.

Are you a real doctor?

The pain is not up there.
The pain is down here!

-I can't relieve myself.
-You can't what?

Relieve myself.

Urinate. I can't piss!

Doctor, he can't piss!

[woman over P.A.]
Dr. Jordan to emergency.

Four times a night
I go into the bathroom.

What happens? I dribble.

Dribble droplets, that's all.
I don't...

-It burns, my--
-Are you sure?

Huh? What happened? What?

Uh, listen, excuse me
just a moment.

But, Doctor... I...

[gasps]

This is impossible.
I mean, ask anybody.

This is medically impossible.

I mean, maybe in dogs
or
MAD
magazine,
but never in humans.

Doc, Doc, will you just
get us unhooked?

Maybe in apes.
No, not even apes.

Doctor, please!

I gotta get you guys
outta here.

Well, I sure can't go home
for the holidays like this.

Okay, let's get them out.
Come on, let's go.

How can they go
inside like that?

Wait. I have an idea.

This is unbelievable.

[woman over P.A.]
Dr. Jordan to emergency.

Dr. Jordan to emergency.

[doctor]
This is ridiculous.

Here we go.
Let's bring them
right down here.

How in the hell
did you get in this position?

Watch this guy.

Let's go.

Okay, watch this corner.
Watch this corner.

Okay, let's bring it
right down.

Okay. Slowly.
Right down. Come on.

Watch this, watch this.
Watch this.

Okay, okay, all right.
Take it easy.

All right, okay.
To the left. To the left.

You're going to have
to excuse us, ma'am.

We really have
an emergency here.

Excuse us.
Step right outside.

Very, very, very good. Okay.

That girl must be
a real dog

if an ape put a bag
over her head.

[woman over P.A.]
Dr. Romero, Dr. Romero.

Please call front desk.

You kids are something else.

You run around
fucking everything in sight.

But wait. Wait until
you will get older,

then it will be just enough
to take a good crap every day.

And a good piss too.

[grunting in pain]

Okay, okay, pull. Ow!

What's going on in there?

In my day, they just
threw cold water.

They didn't make
a production.

They cooled them off,
and that's all.

Do you know what I mean?

Okay, this way now.
No, no, this way.

One.

Okay, let's go again.

Two.

Okay. [panting]

Okay, come on, let's go,
one more time. Here we go.

Three!

[pops]

[crashing]

[dog howling]

Excuse me.

[romantic music playing]

Tommy, please, don't.

I like you. I really do.
But I can't.

I'm sorry, I just wish
things were simple.

Yeah. Me too.

I've got to go.

-Yeah.
-Tommy.

Good night.

[crashing]

I can't take it.
I just can't take it.

Do you mean to tell me
you've never gotten laid?

-Never?
-Ever.

It's unheard of
in a fellow of your age.

And a Pi Kap too.
Totally unacceptable.

We can't let this get out.
Let's de-pledge him.

De-pledge me?
Come on, you guys.

God, if I knew
it was that important,

I would have said
something before.

Well, then we'll have
to remedy the situation.

♪

Hey.

Well, Thomas, my boy.
This is your big day.

Wait. But I don't
know about this!

Give me that bag,
'cause you ain't
gonna need it.

Look, guys. I don't...
I don't know.

Maybe Joan's right.
Maybe I'm not ready.

Maybe I should wait
a little longer.

[laughs]
Oh, no way.

You do an afternoon delight.

Watch out, front teeth.

[GrossOut laughing]

[slow music playing]

[burps]

Oh, no, not you again.

What's happening?

I hope you didn't
bring that doll.

Imagine bringing
a thing like that in here.

It's disgusting!

-Don't make fun of my doll--
-No, it's all right.

It's okay. He doesn't
have it anymore.

Look, we brought in
a cherry here

and we're treating him
to a massage,

his very first massage.

We want your very best.

[Veronica] Our very best?

Money is no object.

Where'd you get that?

His father is paying for it.

Well, I see.
How thoughtful.

Let me get my staff
out here.

[whistle blowing]

All right, over here.
Thomas, my boy.

Look at the goodies.

[mouthing]

I was hoping
for someone really special.

Well, there is somebody
that comes by here
on a part-time basis.

If you want, I could see
if she can come over.

It will cost you
extra, though.

Well, there's only one
first time.

He deserves the best.

Good talent
is worth waiting for.

You might as well sit down.

[dialing]

-Mind if I smoke?
-Huh?

Mind if I smoke?

Of course not.
Do you mind if I fart?

[laughs]

Hello, Monica?
Hi, this is Veronica.

Listen, can you possibly
make it down here right away?

Yeah? I'll make it
worth your while.

Okay. See ya.

She's coming right over.

Hey, Father Leadpipe.
How is your bell now?

Oh, ringing as usual,
Veronica.

[both laugh]

Right this way, Father.

This way, Father.
This way. This way.

[burps]

Father?

[Veronica] Would you mind
making room for the Father?

No, I gotta go
take a dump anyhow.

Hey, where's the shitter?

The first door
to your right.

What are you doing
with these?

Oh, well, we put
these panties in bags,

and staple them shut.

Customers buy them.

-They buy 'em?
-Sure.

Sort of a souvenir
of the occasion.

How much do you charge?

Ten bucks a pair.

Ten bucks?
Kinda high, isn't it?

Not for these.

Veronica, I think
I'm ready now.

Could you take the Father
to the men's room?

Yeah, sure.

Come on, Father.

[defecating]

[sensual music playing]

The guy who comes here
to get laid,

he usually
has his shorts off.

Why don't you
roll over, honey?

We'll get right
to the good parts.

What the hell
are you doing here?

What are you doing here?

[Boyd] It's been
two days, gentlemen.

The police, Doyle,
no one's turned up a clue.

Our sacred Dionysus
is out there somewhere,
defiled, alone.

He must be returned.

I say it's time
we take matters
into our own hands.

How do we do that, Boyd?

Well, we know there's stuff
going on in the house,

and anyone capable
of walking out of here
with a hot comb

is capable of walking out
with Dionysus.

We're dealing with
an inside job.

One of us?

No, not a brother, a mother.

Pi Kaps have a man
planted right here.
I'm sure of it.

Who?

[Boyd] Splash.

Somebody called?

Splash, my friend,
could I have a word with you?

Yes, boss.

Maybe you can help me.

You remember that statue
we used to have here,
the one that disappeared?

Yes, boss.

Well, if we could get it back,

it might be worth
something for you.

Well, I think I might be able
to locate it for you.

That's what I thought.
Grab him.

Splash, you really fucked up.

In ancient Greece,
when a messenger was given
something important,

they often tattooed it
to his scalp

and let the hair
grow back out.

We have a message
for that sick fraternity
you belong to.

Only our message
isn't so secret.

Here it is.

Look, the suckers were over in,
Doyle's got us set up.

Now sooner or later,
he'll be back
with the storm troopers

and bust our collective asses.

I got yours, Chief.
One pepperoni
and peanut butter.

[sighs] Jesus. All you guys
think about is eating.

We're in a serious
situation here!

Well, a man can't fart
or belch without eating.

Is it too late to take
one more order?

Splash!

Oh, man!
Who did this, Splash?

Those asshole Alphas.

Goddamn it!

That's it, man.
They pushed us
too damn far.

Anybody that can't take
a harmless joke now and then
has gotta pay for it.

Aw, shit. Let's get him
to the couch.

Put this in.

Why'd they do it, Splash?

That statue.

If we were smart,
we'd take that stone faggot
back to those turds

and forget this
whole damn thing.

Alphas!

Well, so much
for that argument.

[spits and burps]

Alphas!

You in there?

You little legend
of horseshits!

Show your faces, you...

chicken-shit faggots!

Yeah, you!

You take yourselves
so goddamn serious.

Don't you know
that all this is shit?

That you're a bunch of shits?

And that for the next
40 years of your lives

you're probably gonna be
shoveling that shit.

What's he talking
about, Lloyd?

Sounds like shit
to me, Boyd.

[spits]

Hey, pig fucker
and needle dick!

I got a present for you.

[glass breaking]

You want the rest of your
precious statue back,

you know where to find it.

It's Pi Kappa house.

It's King-fucking-Frat
on this campus.

It always has been,
it always will be!

This does it, Lloyd.

[crunching]

Despicable scumbags.

We've got to get
Dionysus back.

I think my foot's
bleeding, Boyd.

We hit them tonight.
We clobber that roach-trap.

[dramatic drum music playing]

Hey, when Dunstan Woods
comes to Pi Kap house,

it must be the fucking Alphas.

[laughs]

[horn blowing]

[chanting]
Alphas suck! Hey!

Alphas suck! Hey!

Alphas suck! Hey!

Alphas suck! Hey!

Alphas suck! Hey!

Alphas suck!

Alphas suck!

[all clamoring]

King-fucking-Frat!

[all yelling]

♪

Long time ago, my people,
the Kissawong tribe,

lived on this very land.

We hunted the forests...

[siren wailing]

I want this...
I want this terminated
immediately!

Go back to your dorms!

To your dormitories!

I want this...
I want this terminated
immediately!

Mayday! Mayday!

[Dean Doyle]
Go back to your dorms!

Go back to your dormitories!

I'll call up the riot squad,

and you all will be doing
hard time!

I want this...
I want this terminated
immediately!

Go back to your dorms!

[siren wailing]

I'll call up the riot squad,

and you all will be doing
hard time!

All right, I'll see you all
in solitary!

♪ When you say, bud

♪ King Frat, King Frat

♪ Place is never boring
Everybody's exploring ♪

♪ Something's always brewing
Come, hear what they're doing ♪

♪ Cutting loose and they're
Polluting the skies ♪

♪ Nothing's going to
Embarrass the guys ♪

♪ They'll do anything
That's going to help them ♪

♪ Make their plans

Oh, shit!

Oh, no, not you again.

[grunting]

Hey!

♪

♪

Give me five!

[groans]

All right, fire one!

[screams]

Get 'em. Get 'em, Kevin!
Get 'em, Kevin!

Fire two!

[screams]

[both laughing]

One more, one more.

All right. Fire three!

[screams]

[both laughing]

Do it again! Do it again!

Fire four!

You gotta forgive me
for this.

[sirens wailing]

[whistle blowing]

[clamoring]

[man chuckling]

[indistinct chattering]

You're our
legal mind, Gross.

What do you think
our chances are?

[farts]

That's what I thought
you'd say.

[murmuring]

I have news
for you, lemmings.

You know who the judge is?

Howard the Duck?

Perry Mason?

Chief Running Antelope?

No, you smartasses.

It's Crumneagle.

Crumneagle!

The hanging judge
of Yellowstream county!

[laughs]

[mimics choking]

Looks like Doyle
finally bought a ticket
to the funny farm.

I could give a shit,
that fuckin' murderer.

Fucking dummy!

All rise!

All ears, all ears, all ears.

Those having business
with the third circuit court
of Yellowstream county

the honorable
Judge Lester Crumneagle
presiding.

Draw near and come to order!

Bailiff, read the complaint.

[bailiff] Oh, yes,
Your Honor.

To speed things up,
Your Honor,

-I'll read what the defendants
are not charged with.
-Leadpipe.

Uh, very well.

The Pi Kaps are not charged
with grand theft auto
or rape.

Otherwise, there are 362 counts
lodged against them.

In addition, Your Honor,

building inspectors found
802 violations

of health, sanitation,
and building codes.

Uh, yes, well...

You Honor, I have important
information here

which may change the course
of these proceedings.

That's all been cut and dried,
Your Honor!

These animals
belong in a pen.

And I'm just the hairpin
that can make sure
they get special attention.

So let's knock off
this nonsense.

Who are you?

Dean Delbert Doyle.

Well, stick it, Doyle.
This is my courtroom.

Now, what is that
you were saying?

I'm talking about treaties,
Your Honor, Indian treaties.

Some remarkable research
has been done
by this young man,

and also because of some
recently discovered documents,

indicate that the land
upon which Yellowstream College
is located,

legally belongs
to the Kissawong Indian tribe.

[all murmuring]

Your Honor, I only want
to see justice done.

You want justice?

I'll show you justice.

Not guilty.

Case dismissed.

[groans]

Court...

has adjourned.

[cheering]

["King Frat" playing]

I love it. I love it.

But, sir, you can't put
the Alphas on probation.

We have a 3.8 grade average.

And whenever one of us
asks for a recommendation,

you write that
we're all fuck-ups.

"Fuck-ups"?
Did I say fuck-ups?

I mean to say "shitheads."

[belches]

[patriotic music playing]

[belches]

♪

♪