King Frat (1979) Movie Script

[instrumental music playing]

["King Frat" playing]

♪ King Frat, King Frat

♪ Welcome, everybody

Come and join the party ♪

♪ King Frat, King Frat

♪ The place is always crowded

Kids are always loaded ♪

♪ All the kids are playing

Everybody's stayin' ♪

♪ Always something

Crazy to do ♪

♪ Everybody knows

The place is a zoo ♪

♪ Kids are having

The times of their lives ♪

[all yelling and laughing]

♪ You can too

[laughing]

♪ King Frat, King Frat

♪ Booze is always flowing

Smoke is always blowing ♪

♪ Causing such a riot

Place is never quiet ♪

♪ Pulling stunts to put

The dean on the spot ♪

♪ When you run against

The campus' shot ♪

♪ Once you've seen him

There's no way to deny it ♪

♪ Sweet enough

♪ King Frat, King Frat

♪ Always on the run

Never meet the guardian ♪

♪ King Frat, King Frat

♪ Everybody's laughing

What a time they're having ♪

♪ Joking with their buddies

And teasing all the others ♪

[whistle blowing]

♪ It's a circus game

Instead of a school ♪

♪ And the clowns are trying

To break every rule ♪

♪ If you wanted

You can come join the fun ♪

♪ If you run

[tires squealing]

Oh, God. Would you

look at that?

♪ King Frat, King Frat

♪ Place is always funky

Everybody's talking ♪

♪ King Frat, King Frat

♪ Campus isn't moving

Because of what they're doing ♪

♪ Causing a sensation

And waking up the nation ♪

Gross!

Bobby, I can't believe

those guys haven't been

kicked out of school yet.

One more look

at those hairy butts,

and I'm gonna puke.

They still haven't found

the films they made

in the girls' locker room.

Betty, if I had a nickel

for every pair of panties

they've stolen from me...

They're a bunch

of jerk-offs!

Assholes!

[all laughing raucously]

♪ King Frat, King Frat

♪ The guys are always teaming

Imagine what they're steaming ♪

[farting]

♪ King Frat, King Frat

You rascals!

[groans]

[groaning]

[Dean Doyle]

I'm the dean of students

at this college,

and I'll deal

with the Pi Kaps

in my own way.

But, sir, they're

running rampant again.

I'm letting them

run rampant.

Got a new strategy

this year.

I'm not gonna bother

getting them

kicked off campus.

I'm not gonna bother

getting their charter revoked.

I'm gonna straighten out

the Pi Kaps personally.

Just like I straightened out

the state pen

when I was warden there.

But, sir, wasn't that prison

burned down to the ground

by inmates?

[blows]

Don't ever mention that.

Don't ever mention that!

When I take over...

[chuckles]

I'm gonna have everybody

walking the line.

Fraternities, faculty,

everybody.

And what I'd do

to Pi Kappa Delta,

[chuckles]

that will be a cornerstone

of my presidency.

♪

[clattering]

[men laughing]

[Splash] Did you see

that old lady

seeing my black ass?

"Look at that black ass!"

-Hey, Splash.

-Yeah?

I think I was recognized.

What, did you have

a harelip on your ass?

Hey. I'll see you.

I got to go to work.

Let's get the beer.

[laughing]

Whoo!

Hey, Chief! Chief!

Here's your ration, Chief.

Uh-uh!

It's suds call.

Hey! What's happening?

Hey, Kevin,

it's suds call.

Oh, no, no, I can't.

I got to go to the library,

do some studying.

Next time, though, okay?

-Okay.

-[laughs] Hey, Jock.

Don't strain yourself.

Yes, good.

Hmm. Hey, Chief,

how you doing, huh?

[gulping]

Hey, hey!

Suds call! All right!

Listen up and look up.

Here you go!

Here's one for you,

there's another one for you,

there's one for you,

and here's

a last one for you.

Hey, listen up.

Here's a kiss

for you, darling.

[farts]

[laughing]

[dripping]

-[bell clanging]

-Hey! Beer call!

Come and get it

if you want 'em, all!

-Hey!

Hey! There you go!

Got your lunches over here.

Now, look at it.

Come and get it.

Get it here.

Get your stuff.

[movie projector whirring]

[GrossOut]

Hey, you jerk-offs.

How about some beer?

Hey, hey!

Hey, what's going on?

Ooh, movies! All right!

Whoo-hoo!

[man 1] Hey!

GrossOut,

you are fucking gross.

Get out of there!

-[man 2] Come on!

-[man 3] Hey!

[man 1] Come on!

I've been waiting

all week to see her!

-[man 4] Oh, my God!

-[man 1] Jesus Christ!

Will you get out of there,

you stupid shit?

[man 1] Hey, here's

where they notice.

Watch this.

Watch, here's

where they notice.

[all laughing]

♪

I don't know what's coming.

Hey, Splash, you take care

with Dionysus here, okay?

Yeah, don't get his feet wet.

You motherfucker.

[sniffing]

Needs something.

Pepper. Pepper, that's it.

Oh. [spits] God.

GrossOut, where is Kevin?

Beats the shit

out of me, Chief.

How about some spags?

No, no.

White man food.

It don't matter.

It ain't done yet, anyway.

Look like... dog dropping.

[sniffs]

Smell like pig shit.

I know. I make

all your favorites.

[toilet flushing]

Chief, the toilets

are running again.

I tell you,

I tell all of you,

you put in toilet number one,

you put in toilet number two.

You put in something else,

it's not my fault.

Hey, GrossOut,

is that stuff ready yet?

Patience, Fred.

[spits]

That's ready.

And that's ready.

Hey, my gum.

Mmm.

That ain't it.

Where the fuck is that?

You work hard, Kevin.

That good. You genius.

You have bright future.

You'll be a rich man

before you 30 years old.

Red man like me?

No way.

Ten years I go

to the school on G.I. Bill,

still a sophomore.

I am screwed.

[sighs]

Kevin, do you know

how Yellowstream

get its name?

You know how Yellowstream

get its name?

I tell you many times.

But we're friends,

blood brothers.

Let me tell you

how Yellowstream

get its name, Kevin.

[tribal music playing]

Many years ago,

my people, the Kissawong,

lived on this very land.

Hunted the forests,

fished in the streams.

It was our land.

Then the white man came

and drove my people

up the river

into the rocky hills

where not even

a gopher could live.

My ancestors

didn't like that.

My ancestors pissed

in white man's water

for 50 years.

White man never knew.

Fucking dummies!

[chanting in native language]

Beer, Chief. Beer?

Oh.

Okay, okay.

Santa Claus is here.

Now, who ordered what?

[clanging]

How did it go

tonight, Splash?

Just like having your own

personal department store.

Say, where is GrossOut?

I just happen to have

his history paper.

[farts]

[exhales]

Holy shit!

Fart contest!

Whoo! What?

I say, what was Alpha

doing with this, huh?

Question is,

what are we

gonna do with it?

Yeah. [chuckles]

Hey. Hey, guys!

Look at this.

The Daily Crock

is sponsoring the contest.

That undercover rag.

GrossOut, I told you,

if you keep reading that thing,

your pecker's gonna

fall off.

Yeah, but look, it says,

"First annual fart contest..."

Wait, wait.

Let me see that.

Oh, yeah.

It's for real.

Holy shit!

Five hundred bucks

for first prize.

Kevin, how many kegs

of brew is that?

Thirty-seven point eight

at today's market closing.

Holy shit,

37-point-fucking-8

kegs of brew.

Can you imagine that?

Man, we can party

all the way

to St. Patrick's Day!

[all exclaiming]

Uh, there's

an entrance fee, guys.

How much?

Shit, too much, 50 bucks.

Anything is too much.

Our treasury is already

blown, you guys.

Hey, wait a minute.

Wait a minute.

We got a cherry coming in here

tomorrow night, a new pledge.

Uh, Tommy...

Tommy something

or the other.

I think his parents

could be persuaded

to sponsor us.

[laughs]

You guys are just...

just too, too much.

Do you think we got

a chance at winning?

Does GrossOut

have an asshole?

[farts]

[laughing]

That's how

I spell "relief."

♪

[typewriter clacking]

[church bell tolling]

[organ music playing]

[Dean Doyle] Members of

Yellowstream community,

this is indeed

a sad day for us all.

We've come together today

to mourn the untimely passing

of one of the most respected

and revered members

of our community.

Our beloved president,

Robert J. McGafferty

It's heartwarming to see

so many students

and friends here today.

The mark of a man

is the love

he leaves behind,

and we are a college

full of love

for this fine

administrator...

[sobbing]

...educator,

and public servant.

[continues indistinctly]

Hey, look, there's

a vent we can use.

He was the youngest president

Yellowstream has ever had,

and his term of office

was unfortunately marred

by a general relaxation

of the discipline

for which Yellowstream

has been known.

And not all of us agreed

with Bob's handling

of student affairs.

Man, this is some

dynamite shit!

It's too bad we gotta

waste it like this.

Well, it might be

a waste of good shit,

but at least it's going

to a better calling.

[blowing]

[Dean Doyle] He was always

the first to admit

that he may have been

too easy on them.

But all that's

going to change.

The board of directors

is selecting a new president,

who, hopefully, will correct

the mistakes of the past.

[crowd giggling]

Who will move the school

back where it belongs,

where "discipline"

is not a dirty word,

and bizarre behavior

can be dealt with severely.

[muffled laughs]

I'm sorry that strikes you

as funny over here.

He spent his entire life

in academia.

He's never had the opportunity

to discover what people do

when all restraints

are lifted.

Right here,

right here on this campus,

we have a fraternity.

And I'm not mentioning

any names.

This fraternity feels

as though they have the run

of the entire school.

[crowd laughing]

Well, they're in

for a big surprise!

What the hell

is so damn funny?

[all laughing]

I wasn't warden at state pen

for nothing.

I know how to deal

with people.

I won't make

the same mistakes

McGafferty made.

He was weak.

He thought

you could make students

listen to reason.

You were a fool!

[hysterical laughter]

And see where it got you.

Well, now it's my turn!

You rat-fat-faced,

mealy-mouthed weasel!

I'll bury you myself!

Those punk heads, they think

that college is summer camp!

You farty freak!

You coddled

and babied them.

Are you listening to me?

Listen!

Good riddance!

[yelling]

You schmuck!

Hell, yeah!

This is the time, baby!

[yelling indistinctly]

I'll dig the hole myself!

[laughter continues]

♪

Oh, yeah.

So how do you like it?

Neat, huh?

This can't be it.

Oh, God! Tommy dear,

when Dad and I said

you could pledge a fraternity,

we had no idea you'd choose

something like this.

We thought perhaps

you'd choose a nice house.

A fraternity like

Alpha Omega.

No, Mom! Gee!

[Chief] Yeah!

-Whoo!

-Oh, my God!

[yelling in native language]

[exclaiming]

-Chief, Chief, Chief!

-What was that?

Ah! Missed him again.

Ah! Mr. and Mrs. Mathews.

Oh, how good of you

to bring Tommy with you!

[laughs]

Oh, hi, I'm Kevin.

Pi Kappa Delta's

pledge master.

Oh, and that over there,

that was Chief Latrine.

Hey, did you know

that he's a true

Kissawong Indian?

No, listen, you don't have

to worry about him.

He's a little shell-shocked

since the Korean War.

You know, we can't take him

to a Chinese restaurant.

[laughs] He thinks he's back

in Pork Chop Hill again.

[laughs] Get it?

Pork Chop... Forget it.

Hey! Hey, hey, Tommy.

How you doing?

You're all ready

for initiation day?

Hey, GrossOut is still here.

You remember the whole--

We'll just get

Tommy settled.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

No parents are allowed inside

when we initiate a pledge.

Oh, but there's

no need to worry.

Yellowstream has a fine

ambulance service.

[laughing]

[whistle blowing]

[door opens]

[drum roll playing]

Guys, meet the Mathews.

Mathews, meet the guys.

[creaking]

[growling]

[laughs]

Uh, there is a one-time

initiation fee, sir.

Did Tommy

explain that to you?

What for?

Oh, well, to assure that Tommy

doesn't get initiated.

What kind of a con game

is this?

Uh, George, I think

the boy is serious

and, um, sincere.

How much?

Oh... $500.

Five hundred dollars?

Ah, here's the official

Pi Kap courtesy car.

[Mrs. Mathews gasps]

Hello, everybody.

[laughs] And if you folks

are ready,

it will take you back

to the station.

Oh, you, sir,

keep writing, please.

Thank you.

-Tommy, remember to brush

your teeth every night.

-Okay, Mom.

-And no late

school nights, you hear?

-Okay.

-And remember to change

your underwear every day.

-Oh, Mom!

-Watch out, watch out.

-Make a hole. Make a hole.

Whoops.

[GrossOut]

Make another hole up there.

Let me introduce you

to Fred, our president.

Do you know that

he's been kicked out

of some of the best

schools in the country?

[Fred] Come on, Tommy,

I'll show you around.

[laughing]

Call once a week, son,

and write when you can.

Aw. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

There's really nothing

to worry about, sir. Really.

We've never lost

one of them yet, you know?

Well, just watch yourself

here, Mrs. Mathews.

Watch your head.

[laughs] Come on,

we haven't lost one yet.

There you go.

So, uh, where do

the other pledges sleep?

There are no other pledges.

You mean

I'm the only one?

Yeah, well,

consider it an honor.

Pi Kaps don't pledge

just anyone, you know?

-[burps]

-Think of all

the attention you'll have.

Excuse me, I gotta make

a fundraising call.

Uh, yeah, operator?

How much is that?

Eighty-five cents.

Just a minute.

I'll deposit.

Yes, you're quite welcome.

Have a nice trip.

Ta-ta!

[urinating]

-Hi.

-Hey!

Gumbroski is the name,

and drinking is my game.

This here is Griselda.

Say hi, Griselda.

[Griselda]

I love you.

[GrossOut laughs]

-Hello, Dad. Fred.

-[speaking indistinctly]

Fred. Fred, your son.

You know what I like

best about her?

She don't tell,

she don't swell,

she is grateful as hell,

she's disease-free,

and best of all,

she don't talk back.

[Griselda]

I love to please you.

[GrossOut laughs]

The point is, I'm really

getting myself together,

getting my, as they say

around here, my shit together.

You wanna have

a go at her?

Go ahead,

you don't gotta worry

about me being jealous.

[Griselda]

I love it.

Make sure you give her

a good scrubbing

-when you're done

with her, though.

-Me?

Yeah, you. Go ahead.

Go right down the hall.

They're...

Griselda, right?

Yeah. That's

her name, Griselda.

[Griselda]

I love you.

[burps]

♪

[laughing]

[toilet flushing]

[Kevin] Hey, hey.

Listen to this.

"Habitual bean-eating

will multiply

the normal production

of intestinal gas

several times.

University of California,

Berkeley

found that raisins

and apple juice

doubled gas output.

Bananas increased it

by 50 percent,

grape juice by 20 percent,

and orange juice

and apricot nectar,

not at all.

Flatus is..."

Fart.

"...is sometimes

a sign of returning health

and surgeons use

its occurrence after surgery

as a signal for recovery."

[laughs]

Listen to this one!

"During electro surgery

inside the colon,

flammable intestinal gases

have occasionally

led to explosions,

sometimes with

fatal consequences."

[all laughing]

Are you ready?

I'm ready.

[farts]

[exhales]

How's that, guys, huh?

Oh, shit, GrossOut.

I've heard little kids

do better than that.

Yeah, if that's the best

you can do,

maybe we'd better forget

the entrance fee, huh?

Well, come on, guys.

How about give me

half a chance?

This is a big opportunity

for me.

You never know.

I might be able

to make my living at it.

[Fred] Well, then,

you're gonna have

to get with it.

Now you drink this.

[bubbling]

Oh, God!

What's in it, Chief?

It-- Ugh.

Smells like

it got turds in it.

What is it exactly, Chief?

Hairy buffalo punch.

Hairy buffalo, huh?

Two sips,

and you'll be getting

to smell like one.

Now drink it.

Oh, no way!

That stuff

really work, Chief?

Do white man

shit on toilet?

Down the hooch, GrossOut.

Ugh! Man, you can die

from that shit.

Well, we got a hearse

we could bury you in.

[laughs]

Okay, Jock.

I'm sincerely sorry

for what I'm gonna have

to do now, GrossOut.

No, no!

Okay, Chief,

pour it down.

[groaning]

[stomach rumbling]

[grunting]

[explosion]

[crashing]

I told you it works.

[groans]

[burps]

[indistinct chattering]

[Tommy]

You see that, GrossOut?

[Fred] I see it.

Let me handle this.

Oh, look

who's on your left.

-Hey, Nancy, girls.

-Hey.

I want you to meet Tommy,

our new pledge.

-Hi.

Say, maybe you girls

would like to join us

for a little

quiet dinner tonight?

Quiet dinner

at the Pi Kap house?

You're sick. [laughs]

Oh, we'll go out.

Sort of a celebration.

What's the occasion?

Pi Kaps are about to come

into a large sum of money.

-Hmm.

-Come on, we'll spring

for Chinese.

What do you say?

-Why not?

-Okay!

♪ Chinese tonight

♪ Egg noodles makes it right

♪ Just hold my hand

[gong chiming]

[oriental music playing]

[indistinct chattering]

[laughing]

Mmm.

Ooh, broccoli. Mmm.

Fish. [chuckles]

Mmm. Mmm.

Mmm.

[blows nose]

[burping]

[spits]

Well, here's one for you.

And another one for you.

Uh, I think I've had

enough, GrossOut.

"Enough"?

A Pi Kap never [burps]

has enough.

Drink it.

Well, I would if I could,

but I can't.

Come on, it's time

for our first lesson.

[woman yelling in Chinese]

You gotta put away

the sentiment, man.

You gotta drink the brew.

-At least a half

a case a night.

-Half a case?

Minimum half a case.

Hey, it ain't no sweat.

I had to start someplace.

Look, I didn't know

how to do it

till I learned

the Pi Kappa secret.

The secret?

Yes, secret. Look,

I've taught the best of them,

and I've taught

the worst of them.

You know that asshole Fred?

Well, he couldn't drink

a banana daiquiri

before I showed him the trick.

"The trick"?

The trick, the secret,

it's all the same.

It comes out

the same anyhow.

[burps]

-You see this finger?

-Yeah.

-Just a finger, huh?

-Yeah, just a finger.

-Notice anything

about this finger?

-No.

Well, watch this.

[gagging]

[vomiting]

[man speaking in Chinese]

That's what you call...

[coughs and burps]

...the Class III recycled

Lee Wong special.

[spits]

[coughs] Now I'm set

for the night.

The secret to drinking

is puking?

Shh! Not so loud.

God.

[woman speaking in Chinese]

Go ahead, you do it.

[gagging]

Aw, hold it.

Just wait a minute.

That ain't right.

Look, I don't wanna have

to show you this again,

so watch carefully this time.

[gagging]

[vomiting]

Go ahead, you try it.

[man] Okay.

[gagging and coughing]

I'm sorry, GrossOut,

I just can't do it.

It's okay, Tommy.

Come here.

I wanna talk to you.

[gagging]

[vomiting]

[coughing]

[panting]

Anybody can do it.

You just gotta want to.

Come on, kid, let's go.

You did it,

just like a trooper.

[laughs]

[clears throat]

Would you like

to take care of this?

[grunting]

[woman squeals]

[Fred] Oh, my God!

It's happening again!

Oh, Tommy, we gotta get him

to a hospital. Poor guy.

I told him not to eat...

Oh, Jesus Christ!

Hurry. He's not gonna

make it this time.

Oh, Jesus.

[men laughing]

That was terrific.

How'd you learn

how to do that?

Talent.

It's just talent, my friend.

Did you see that cook's face

when I was rolling around

on the floor?

[in Chinese accent]

"Oh, hey, big boy,

what you doing down there

on the floor, huh?"

[vomits]

Oh, shit!

Oh, no, puke!

That's yuck!

[indistinct chattering]

Kevin, Kevin,

where's the Chief?

Don't worry about it.

He'll be here.

That stuff has to be prepared

at the last minute

in order for it to work.

Any competition?

Hell, no. There's a bunch

of candy-asses down there.

Are you boys ready?

-Which one of you

is the contestant?

-Me.

I should have known.

You have such a big bum.

Please, don't be nervous,

because if you're nervous,

you can't get a good fart.

Be calm. Calm.

That's the main thing.

-[cheering]

-[fanfare playing]

I'm on! I'm on!

[audience cheering]

Simmer down.

Simmer down, please, please.

Shh! Folks, simmer down.

This is it, the main event.

Welcome to our first annual

Daily Crock Benefit

Fart Contest,

you beautiful people.

Now, before we start,

let me ask you all a question.

Anybody know

what a fart is?

Nobody.

A fart is the sharpest thing

in the world.

Goes right through the pants

without leaving a hole.

Huh, it stinks.

What can we do?

[all groaning]

-And now--

-[motorcycle revving]

[audience cheering]

Holy shit! Do you know

who that is?

Who?

That's Bucky Zackabreski, man.

-The Bucky Zackabreski?

-The Bucky Zackabreski. Yeah.

The Bucky Zackabreski

you told me about?

The same Bucky Zackabreski

that used to go out

with a certain

J.J. "GrossOut" Gumbroski

at high school?

The same. The grossest

of the gross, man.

[laughs] Yeah, well,

she doesn't look

so bad to me.

Oh, wait till you

smell her farts.

[audience cheering]

Hey, J.J.

I heard you was entered.

I've come to do battle with you.

Just like old times, huh?

Don't call me J.J.,

and don't think you'd get me

in the toilet again either.

Oh, J.J.,

it's been a long time.

You're lookin' good as ever.

You lost some of that baby fat.

But now you're

into new things.

Looks like I got

some stiff competition.

But just remember,

I taught you everything

you know.

Ugh! [spits]

Oh, just like that piggy

I went out in high school.

See you later.

[laughs]

Sure, I can understand

that you'd wanna treasure

your virginity, Joan,

but I treasure mine too.

It's just that if you

keep it buried too deep,

you may never find it.

I don't know, Tommy.

[fanfare playing]

Quiet, please. Quiet.

Calm down. Calm down.

We're about to start.

[laughing]

Our contestants are all primed

and ready to go.

Points will be awarded

on the basis of loudness,

and each contestant gets

three chances to perform,

and the total points scored

will determine his

or her final standing.

Now, each contestant

must break wind

within 20 seconds.

Anyone drawing mud

will be disqualified.

Ladies and gentlemen,

may the best asshole win.

-[audience cheering]

-[fanfare playing]

Let me explain to you

how this fartometer works.

It was created by some

of the brilliantest minds

in the history of fartology.

Now, the first level.

[fartometer beeping]

Hold your nose.

The second level. Phew!

[fartometer beeping faster]

The third level. A stink.

[fartometer beeping rapidly]

-The fourth level.

Check your pulse.

-[fartometer blaring]

Now let's get started!

[cheering]

From the Yellowstream College

School of Proctology,

known as "The Amazing Anus,"

Ira "Hemorrhoid" Cooperstein!

-[fanfare playing]

-[audience cheering]

[farts softly]

[beeps]

A flubber! A flubber!

[audience murmuring]

Good for only one point.

[fanfare playing]

-Kevin.

-Huh? What?

-I wanna know something.

-What?

How come if this is

a fart contest,

you keep rubbing

my shoulders?

All right, all right, all right.

Stay loose, GrossOut,

stay loose. Concentrate.

And there she is,

Miss Baked Beans of 1979.

Our beautiful lady.

A nice round of applause.

-[audience applauding]

-Yes, sir.

Yes, sir!

[audience cheering]

Position, please.

Ooh.

[audience whistling]

Please, let her concentrate.

[chuckles]

Oh, dear.

[farts]

[fartometer beeping]

[audience cheering]

[fanfare playing]

And now from

Pete's Super 60 gas station,

Frankie "Fartwell" Modjulario.

-[fanfare playing]

-[audience cheering]

He looks like a humdinger.

This boy looks like

a real winner. Yes, yes.

[audience cheering]

[Frankie grunting]

What's the matter, Frank?

Stage fright.

You know you made

an ass of yourself?

[audience booing]

[mutters indistinctly]

[male host] Next.

Who we got next?

Miss Bucky Zackabreski!

Oh, yes!

-[fanfare playing]

-[audience cheering]

Ooh, she's a beauty.

Position, please.

Hmm.

-[farts]

-[fartometer beeping rapidly]

And ace!

An atomic ace!

[all cheering]

[fanfare playing]

Chief, where have you been?

-You got the stuff?

-Of course I got.

I go prepare now.

And now, the contestant

you've all been waiting for,

the pride of Pi Kap frat.

Last but not least,

the inimitable

J.J. "GrossOut" Gumbroski!

-[fanfare playing]

-[audience cheering]

He looks like a champ to me.

Position, please.

[audience chanting]

GrossOut! GrossOut!

[farts]

[chanting continues]

-[fartometer blaring]

-[male host] And ace!

An atomic ace!

[all cheering]

Wonderful, wonderful,

wonderful!

-[fanfare playing]

-[audience cheering]

♪

[audience applauding]

[audience cheering]

♪ King Frat, King Frat

♪ Place is never boring

Everybody's exploring ♪

♪ Something's always brewing

Come, hear what they're doing ♪

[fartometer blaring]

[audience cheering]

[rumbling]

[explosion]

[howling]

[audience cheering]

♪ King Frat, King Frat

[fartometer beeping rapidly]

♪ Without a reputation

Constant recreation ♪

♪ King Frat, King Frat

♪ See who comes the closest

Trying to be the grossest ♪

♪ Always misbehaving

Everybody's waving ♪

♪ King Frat, King Frat

[all groaning in disgust]

[coughing]

[belches and groans]

Oh, we're fucked, Kevin.

Not so fast.

Look, I got

a little gadget here

for just such an emergency.

Look, I bought this off

from a guy from the physics lab

for five bucks.

It's an insurance policy.

Now, he said

it would amplify the sound

by at least 20 percent,

guaranteed.

[chuckles]

Just stick it in.

"Stick it in"?

[both] Stick it in.

[fanfare playing]

[farts]

-[fartometer buzzing]

-A four.

A lousy four.

Let's give her

a nice hand there, folks.

Come on.

This thing don't feel right.

Why? What's wrong?

It feels like it's slipping

or something.

[male host] Next!

Who we got next out there?

Who's next?

Everyone's waiting.

It'll be all right.

Ah, yes!

J.J. "GrossOut" Gumbroski!

How about it?

[audience cheering]

Quiet, please. Folks, quiet.

This is the moment

you've all been waiting for.

Please.

Are you ready?

Position, please.

[audience chanting]

Fart, fart, fart!

[farts]

[fartometer buzzing]

[defecating]

Gumbroski has drawn mud.

[all groaning]

Ladies and gentlemen,

the winner and new champion,

Bucky Zackabreski!

Oh, you won the contest for me,

didn't you, J.J.?

You still love me,

don't you, darling?

[indistinct muttering]

[groaning]

[Percy] I don't

trust them, Dean.

[Dean Doyle]

You don't have

to trust them, Percy.

All you have to do

is keep your eyes on them.

Surveillance, that's the key.

As long as you know

what they're doing,

they can't surprise you.

All right.

Those Pi Kaps can't go

to the bathroom

without me knowing about it.

So when they make

their next movement,

you'll be ready

and waiting, right?

Wrong, Percy.

You'll be ready

and waiting for 'em.

As soon as the selection

committee meets

to choose the next president

of Yellowstream,

I expect to be moving

out of this office

and into a larger one.

I've worked long

and hard for this.

I'm the logical choice.

They can't deny me.

I've brought this college

under control.

I've made everybody

toe the line.

All except the Pi Kaps.

The Pi Kaps!

That was McGafferty's fault.

He wouldn't let me bear down.

Well, now there's nothing

standing between me

and those guys. Nothing!

[chuckles softly]

They're finished.

They just don't know it yet.

[both laughing]

["Standing at the Crossroads"

playing]

[woman screaming]

Get your hands

off my ass!

♪ When I was

So much younger ♪

♪ Didn't know

How to care ♪

♪ I was so fast and free

♪ I was unaware

♪ Seen it on my own

♪ Somehow

I turned out great ♪

Yeah, but it wasn't too long.

Ooh, you already got

a beer, huh? Good music.

♪ Crossroads

♪ Now I'm at

The crossroads ♪

♪ Of my life

[Dean Doyle]

They're a mean,

rotten bunch, Percy.

Watch your step.

[Percy] 10-14.

[armor rattling]

[man yelling]

[laughing]

Hey, man.

I like your helmet.

[Dean Doyle]

Percy, what happened?

What the hell

is going on?

I think they like my costume.

Well, don't sit

on your ass, Percy.

Get up and go inside.

♪ Now I'm at

The crossroads ♪

♪ Of my life

♪ Crossroads

♪ Standing at

The crossroads ♪

♪ Of my life

[Dean Doyle]

Percy, what do you see now?

[indistinct chattering]

[Percy] I see a gorilla

dancing with a girl, Dean.

And I see a campus cop

without a job.

Cut the crap, Percy.

Get on with it!

Yes, Sir Dean.

♪ I'm at the crossroads

Of my life ♪

♪ Crossroads

♪ Now I'm at

The crossroads ♪

♪ Of my life

♪ Crossroads

♪ Standing at

The crossroads ♪

♪ Of my life

♪ If you're feeling down

♪ And confused on

Which way to go ♪

♪ Lost and at

The crossroads ♪

♪ 'Cause that keeps you

Feeling alive ♪

♪ And you might want

It out with me ♪

♪ Crossroads

♪ Now I'm at

The crossroads ♪

♪ Of my life

♪ Crossroads

♪ Standing at

The crossroads ♪

♪ Of my life

Want a sip of beer, Griselda?

J.J. J.J.,

where have you been?

Do you know how long

I've been looking for you?

No, how long?

Oh, J.J., come on.

We've had our bad times,

sure we have,

but I'm not a woman

who holds grudges.

I'm willing to forgive

and forget.

How about it, huh?

You think we should be

talking like this

in front of Griselda?

Griselda?

You mean that balloon?

-Kevin!

-Hi, Margie.

What did you come as?

Lady Godiva.

Good likeness.

Oh, J.J.,

give me another chance.

You won't be sorry.

Oh, yes, I will.

[groans]

Look, I gotta go

take a dump.

You sit here, don't get up,

don't move,

don't do nothing.

[Middle Eastern music playing]

Hey, you want a piece?

You got a piece.

[both moaning]

♪

Oh, damn, Bucky!

You don't even let a guy

take a good dump

without following him around.

Oh, J.J., it's just like

old times, isn't it?

It was the only time

to get you away

from that humanoid balloon.

Oh, shit!

Ooh, I love it when

you speak French to me.

[groaning]

[defecates]

Long time ago,

my people, the Kissawong,

lived on this very land.

[Chief]

Hunted the forests

and fished the streams.

Then the white man came.

The white man came

and drove my people up--

Let's do it. Come on.

Now? In the middle

of the party?

Yeah, now.

I gotta tell you,

this is gonna be on my ass.

Come on, come on.

[music continues]

[GrossOut] Damn it.

Shh.

[yells]

I'll take the ball,

place it into my hand,

take this ball,

place it into your hand,

and close it tight.

There's a ball in my hand,

a ball in your hand,

and a wand

and a pocket watch.

One, two, three, mine's gone.

Open up your hand.

Two balls.

[man] That's crazy.

One more time.

We're gonna do it

a little different this time.

That leaves you

with two balls

and a magical wand.

Watch. When I hit

the wand over like that,

did you see it happen?

Don't open up your hand.

Could you rub your hand

over it like that,

if you would?

Rub your hand over.

I think something's happened.

What goes with two balls?

[giggling]

[all laughing]

You don't know

what goes with two balls?

Take a look and let's see.

[all laughing]

[gasps]

I'm telling you,

it's Griselda!

She don't eat garlic,

she's never embarrassed me

in front of my friends,

and most of all, Bucky,

her farts smell

better than yours.

-Oh, J.J.

-And don't call me J.J.!

Oh, I love it

when you get angry.

[slow music playing]

[GrossOut] Guys,

I gotta get in there.

I gotta go into the loo.

Look out.

[burps]

[urinating]

[exhales]

[woman] Get your hands

off my ass!

[screams]

Oh, J.J., I just love it

when you scream.

Give me a description.

It's about two feet

ten inches tall,

uh, 50 pounds,

well-hung.

Well-hung?

Yeah, you know. It has a...

[clears throat]

It has a large penis.

"Large penis."

Look, Boyd.

Hey, let me see that.

Oh, my God,

they defiled him.

Isn't that a rather

large wang

for a statue

two feet ten inches tall?

It's always been

that size, sir.

Stood here for 40 years.

It's our sacred phallus.

Look what they've done to it.

Your sacred phallus?

-I think I know

who's behind this, Lloyd.

-Who?

-So do I, Boyd.

-Who?

And I think this is the rope

that's gonna hang 'em.

Hang who?

We strike tonight, Percy.

We get 'em in one swoop.

Who?

[suspenseful music playing]

[snoring]

They are a mean,

rotten bunch, Percy.

Watch your step.

[Percy] Psst!

[clattering]

All right, everybody, freeze!

We got a search warrant.

Signed too!

No tricks!

All right, I've got you

by the short hairs now!

Breaking and entering, huh?

Burglary!

Possession of

stolen property.

That's big time.

No parole,

no probation, no mercy--

I'll see this traveling

circle jerks of yours

in leg irons!

And you, you slob,

don't try to look

so innocent.

I wasn't trying

to look innocent,

I was trying to look guilty.

Now, we've got a warrant

to search this place,

and you all know

what we're looking for.

So why don't you get smart?

Why don't you make it

easy on yourselves?

Turn over that statue

right now.

You're not accusing us

of stealing that--

Stuff a sock in it, son.

Percy, let's start searching.

Degenerate!

♪

Is there someone in there?

Answer me!

[farts]

[gags]

[coughing]

[clattering]

[sighs]

Oh, pardon me, miss.

Miss?

Oh.

I love it. I love it.

Fornicate me.

Who, me? I'm married.

I love you.

Kiss me, kiss me.

Dean Doyle!

I love to please you.

I'm a real girl.

[Percy] Dean Doyle!

Dean Doyle!

Griselda!

I love you, I love you,

I love you...

Filthy, disgusting degenerates!

[hissing]

You fucking murderers!

[yells]

Shit!

[crashing]

-I'll see you tomorrow.

-Okay, yeah. I'll see you.

-Bye-bye.

-Bye.

[sighs]

♪

[grunts]

Bobby, come on.

Betty, did you have a good time

at the homecoming dance?

I would have,

if it hadn't been

for that funny stuff

in the punch bowl.

You can't go

to a party anymore

where there's Pi Kaps

without having

those rubber things

floating around.

Wow!

This is terrific!

Bobby, I can't stand

those fucking guys.

They are such

total jerks.

Why don't they

kick 'em off campus?

Kick 'em off campus?

They ought to kick 'em

in the balls.

They ought to string them up.

They're disgusting!

Come on, give me

a boost up the tree.

We're looking

for bigger game tonight.

[chuckling]

Can you see anything?

Mm-hmm.

Yeah. [chuckling]

Is she pretty?

Mm-hmm.

[sighs]

What's she wearing?

Not much.

What is she doing now?

She's looking at me and...

and she's...

-[screaming]

-Screaming.

Oh, shit!

[grunts]

[groans]

[woman] I feel so awful

and so responsible.

-Should we take the mask off?

-Good idea.

Oh, my gosh.

He's so good-looking.

Why would he wanna go around

dressed as an ape?

It's a long story.

I feel so awful.

I hope he isn't badly hurt.

Are you okay?

Can you hear me?

[siren wailing]

[tires screeching]

Excuse us, ma'am.

-Can I go with him?

-Why not?

Come on,

let's follow in my car.

[tires screeching]

About time that jerk

took a tumble.

[siren wailing]

Air.

-[gasping]

-What?

-Air. [coughs]

-Air.

-I can't breathe.

-Okay.

I can't breathe.

I can't breathe. [coughs]

You can't breathe?

Do... Do you want me

to undo this?

Yes, yes, hurry.

[panting]

-It's jammed.

I can't get it out.

-Hurry.

[groaning]

Is that better?

[chuckles] Yeah.

Tommy, why are you

still there?

You're not turning into

one of those jerk-offs,

are you?

Do I have a choice?

[siren wailing]

Oh, my God, I'm sorry.

-Are you okay

-It's all right.

It's all right.

I want you to move.

You're on my stomach.

I can't breathe.

Could you move

down a little?

Yeah, a little. Yes.

You've got an erection!

Boy, I hope

he's not hurt too bad.

Don't worry. We'll be there

in a few minutes.

How is Kong doing?

[moaning]

[whimpering]

Okay, let me get a look

right in your ear.

Good. Very good.

Are you a real doctor?

The pain is not up there.

The pain is down here!

-I can't relieve myself.

-You can't what?

Relieve myself.

Urinate. I can't piss!

Doctor, he can't piss!

[woman over P.A.]

Dr. Jordan to emergency.

Four times a night

I go into the bathroom.

What happens? I dribble.

Dribble droplets, that's all.

I don't...

-It burns, my--

-Are you sure?

Huh? What happened? What?

Uh, listen, excuse me

just a moment.

But, Doctor... I...

[gasps]

This is impossible.

I mean, ask anybody.

This is medically impossible.

I mean, maybe in dogs

or

MAD

magazine,

but never in humans.

Doc, Doc, will you just

get us unhooked?

Maybe in apes.

No, not even apes.

Doctor, please!

I gotta get you guys

outta here.

Well, I sure can't go home

for the holidays like this.

Okay, let's get them out.

Come on, let's go.

How can they go

inside like that?

Wait. I have an idea.

This is unbelievable.

[woman over P.A.]

Dr. Jordan to emergency.

[doctor]

This is ridiculous.

Here we go.

Let's bring them

right down here.

How in the hell

did you get in this position?

Watch this guy.

Let's go.

Okay, watch this corner.

Watch this corner.

Okay, let's bring it

right down.

Okay. Slowly.

Right down. Come on.

Watch this, watch this.

Watch this.

Okay, okay, all right.

Take it easy.

All right, okay.

To the left. To the left.

You're going to have

to excuse us, ma'am.

We really have

an emergency here.

Excuse us.

Step right outside.

Very, very, very good. Okay.

That girl must be

a real dog

if an ape put a bag

over her head.

[woman over P.A.]

Dr. Romero, Dr. Romero.

Please call front desk.

You kids are something else.

You run around

fucking everything in sight.

But wait. Wait until

you will get older,

then it will be just enough

to take a good crap every day.

And a good piss too.

[grunting in pain]

Okay, okay, pull. Ow!

What's going on in there?

In my day, they just

threw cold water.

They didn't make

a production.

They cooled them off,

and that's all.

Do you know what I mean?

Okay, this way now.

No, no, this way.

One.

Okay, let's go again.

Two.

Okay. [panting]

Okay, come on, let's go,

one more time. Here we go.

Three!

[pops]

[crashing]

[dog howling]

Excuse me.

[romantic music playing]

Tommy, please, don't.

I like you. I really do.

But I can't.

I'm sorry, I just wish

things were simple.

Yeah. Me too.

I've got to go.

-Yeah.

-Tommy.

Good night.

[crashing]

I can't take it.

I just can't take it.

Do you mean to tell me

you've never gotten laid?

-Never?

-Ever.

It's unheard of

in a fellow of your age.

And a Pi Kap too.

Totally unacceptable.

We can't let this get out.

Let's de-pledge him.

De-pledge me?

Come on, you guys.

God, if I knew

it was that important,

I would have said

something before.

Well, then we'll have

to remedy the situation.

♪

Hey.

Well, Thomas, my boy.

This is your big day.

Wait. But I don't

know about this!

Give me that bag,

'cause you ain't

gonna need it.

Look, guys. I don't...

I don't know.

Maybe Joan's right.

Maybe I'm not ready.

Maybe I should wait

a little longer.

[laughs]

Oh, no way.

You do an afternoon delight.

Watch out, front teeth.

[GrossOut laughing]

[slow music playing]

[burps]

Oh, no, not you again.

What's happening?

I hope you didn't

bring that doll.

Imagine bringing

a thing like that in here.

It's disgusting!

-Don't make fun of my doll--

-No, it's all right.

It's okay. He doesn't

have it anymore.

Look, we brought in

a cherry here

and we're treating him

to a massage,

his very first massage.

We want your very best.

[Veronica] Our very best?

Money is no object.

Where'd you get that?

His father is paying for it.

Well, I see.

How thoughtful.

Let me get my staff

out here.

[whistle blowing]

All right, over here.

Thomas, my boy.

Look at the goodies.

[mouthing]

I was hoping

for someone really special.

Well, there is somebody

that comes by here

on a part-time basis.

If you want, I could see

if she can come over.

It will cost you

extra, though.

Well, there's only one

first time.

He deserves the best.

Good talent

is worth waiting for.

You might as well sit down.

[dialing]

-Mind if I smoke?

-Huh?

Mind if I smoke?

Of course not.

Do you mind if I fart?

[laughs]

Hello, Monica?

Hi, this is Veronica.

Listen, can you possibly

make it down here right away?

Yeah? I'll make it

worth your while.

Okay. See ya.

She's coming right over.

Hey, Father Leadpipe.

How is your bell now?

Oh, ringing as usual,

Veronica.

[both laugh]

Right this way, Father.

This way, Father.

This way. This way.

[burps]

Father?

[Veronica] Would you mind

making room for the Father?

No, I gotta go

take a dump anyhow.

Hey, where's the shitter?

The first door

to your right.

What are you doing

with these?

Oh, well, we put

these panties in bags,

and staple them shut.

Customers buy them.

-They buy 'em?

-Sure.

Sort of a souvenir

of the occasion.

How much do you charge?

Ten bucks a pair.

Ten bucks?

Kinda high, isn't it?

Not for these.

Veronica, I think

I'm ready now.

Could you take the Father

to the men's room?

Yeah, sure.

Come on, Father.

[defecating]

[sensual music playing]

The guy who comes here

to get laid,

he usually

has his shorts off.

Why don't you

roll over, honey?

We'll get right

to the good parts.

What the hell

are you doing here?

What are you doing here?

[Boyd] It's been

two days, gentlemen.

The police, Doyle,

no one's turned up a clue.

Our sacred Dionysus

is out there somewhere,

defiled, alone.

He must be returned.

I say it's time

we take matters

into our own hands.

How do we do that, Boyd?

Well, we know there's stuff

going on in the house,

and anyone capable

of walking out of here

with a hot comb

is capable of walking out

with Dionysus.

We're dealing with

an inside job.

One of us?

No, not a brother, a mother.

Pi Kaps have a man

planted right here.

I'm sure of it.

Who?

[Boyd] Splash.

Somebody called?

Splash, my friend,

could I have a word with you?

Yes, boss.

Maybe you can help me.

You remember that statue

we used to have here,

the one that disappeared?

Yes, boss.

Well, if we could get it back,

it might be worth

something for you.

Well, I think I might be able

to locate it for you.

That's what I thought.

Grab him.

Splash, you really fucked up.

In ancient Greece,

when a messenger was given

something important,

they often tattooed it

to his scalp

and let the hair

grow back out.

We have a message

for that sick fraternity

you belong to.

Only our message

isn't so secret.

Here it is.

Look, the suckers were over in,

Doyle's got us set up.

Now sooner or later,

he'll be back

with the storm troopers

and bust our collective asses.

I got yours, Chief.

One pepperoni

and peanut butter.

[sighs] Jesus. All you guys

think about is eating.

We're in a serious

situation here!

Well, a man can't fart

or belch without eating.

Is it too late to take

one more order?

Splash!

Oh, man!

Who did this, Splash?

Those asshole Alphas.

Goddamn it!

That's it, man.

They pushed us

too damn far.

Anybody that can't take

a harmless joke now and then

has gotta pay for it.

Aw, shit. Let's get him

to the couch.

Put this in.

Why'd they do it, Splash?

That statue.

If we were smart,

we'd take that stone faggot

back to those turds

and forget this

whole damn thing.

Alphas!

Well, so much

for that argument.

[spits and burps]

Alphas!

You in there?

You little legend

of horseshits!

Show your faces, you...

chicken-shit faggots!

Yeah, you!

You take yourselves

so goddamn serious.

Don't you know

that all this is shit?

That you're a bunch of shits?

And that for the next

40 years of your lives

you're probably gonna be

shoveling that shit.

What's he talking

about, Lloyd?

Sounds like shit

to me, Boyd.

[spits]

Hey, pig fucker

and needle dick!

I got a present for you.

[glass breaking]

You want the rest of your

precious statue back,

you know where to find it.

It's Pi Kappa house.

It's King-fucking-Frat

on this campus.

It always has been,

it always will be!

This does it, Lloyd.

[crunching]

Despicable scumbags.

We've got to get

Dionysus back.

I think my foot's

bleeding, Boyd.

We hit them tonight.

We clobber that roach-trap.

[dramatic drum music playing]

Hey, when Dunstan Woods

comes to Pi Kap house,

it must be the fucking Alphas.

[laughs]

[horn blowing]

[chanting]

Alphas suck! Hey!

Alphas suck!

[all clamoring]

King-fucking-Frat!

[all yelling]

♪

Long time ago, my people,

the Kissawong tribe,

lived on this very land.

We hunted the forests...

[siren wailing]

I want this...

I want this terminated

immediately!

Go back to your dorms!

To your dormitories!

I want this...

I want this terminated

immediately!

Mayday! Mayday!

[Dean Doyle]

Go back to your dorms!

Go back to your dormitories!

I'll call up the riot squad,

and you all will be doing

hard time!

I want this...

I want this terminated

immediately!

Go back to your dorms!

[siren wailing]

I'll call up the riot squad,

and you all will be doing

hard time!

All right, I'll see you all

in solitary!

♪ When you say, bud

♪ King Frat, King Frat

♪ Place is never boring

Everybody's exploring ♪

♪ Something's always brewing

Come, hear what they're doing ♪

♪ Cutting loose and they're

Polluting the skies ♪

♪ Nothing's going to

Embarrass the guys ♪

♪ They'll do anything

That's going to help them ♪

♪ Make their plans

Oh, shit!

Oh, no, not you again.

[grunting]

Hey!

♪

Give me five!

[groans]

All right, fire one!

[screams]

Get 'em. Get 'em, Kevin!

Get 'em, Kevin!

Fire two!

[screams]

[both laughing]

One more, one more.

All right. Fire three!

[screams]

[both laughing]

Do it again! Do it again!

Fire four!

You gotta forgive me

for this.

[sirens wailing]

[whistle blowing]

[clamoring]

[man chuckling]

[indistinct chattering]

You're our

legal mind, Gross.

What do you think

our chances are?

[farts]

That's what I thought

you'd say.

[murmuring]

I have news

for you, lemmings.

You know who the judge is?

Howard the Duck?

Perry Mason?

Chief Running Antelope?

No, you smartasses.

It's Crumneagle.

Crumneagle!

The hanging judge

of Yellowstream county!

[laughs]

[mimics choking]

Looks like Doyle

finally bought a ticket

to the funny farm.

I could give a shit,

that fuckin' murderer.

Fucking dummy!

All rise!

All ears, all ears, all ears.

Those having business

with the third circuit court

of Yellowstream county

the honorable

Judge Lester Crumneagle

presiding.

Draw near and come to order!

Bailiff, read the complaint.

[bailiff] Oh, yes,

Your Honor.

To speed things up,

Your Honor,

-I'll read what the defendants

are not charged with.

-Leadpipe.

Uh, very well.

The Pi Kaps are not charged

with grand theft auto

or rape.

Otherwise, there are 362 counts

lodged against them.

In addition, Your Honor,

building inspectors found

802 violations

of health, sanitation,

and building codes.

Uh, yes, well...

You Honor, I have important

information here

which may change the course

of these proceedings.

That's all been cut and dried,

Your Honor!

These animals

belong in a pen.

And I'm just the hairpin

that can make sure

they get special attention.

So let's knock off

this nonsense.

Who are you?

Dean Delbert Doyle.

Well, stick it, Doyle.

This is my courtroom.

Now, what is that

you were saying?

I'm talking about treaties,

Your Honor, Indian treaties.

Some remarkable research

has been done

by this young man,

and also because of some

recently discovered documents,

indicate that the land

upon which Yellowstream College

is located,

legally belongs

to the Kissawong Indian tribe.

[all murmuring]

Your Honor, I only want

to see justice done.

You want justice?

I'll show you justice.

Not guilty.

Case dismissed.

[groans]

Court...

has adjourned.

[cheering]

["King Frat" playing]

I love it. I love it.

But, sir, you can't put

the Alphas on probation.

We have a 3.8 grade average.

And whenever one of us

asks for a recommendation,

you write that

we're all fuck-ups.

"Fuck-ups"?

Did I say fuck-ups?

I mean to say "shitheads."

[belches]

[patriotic music playing]

[belches]

♪

King Frat (1979) - full transcript