Kin-dza-dza! (1986) - full transcript
Kin-Dza-Dza is something like an "advanced cyberpunk film". It's a lot about people and social structures which on the planet of "Pluke" of course have many parallels to our society. It's a very funny movie, but it's also a melancholic movie with great philosophical sense.
Kin-Dza-Dza!
Screenplay
by
Revaz GABRIADZE
Georgi DANELIYA
Directed
by
Georgi DANELIYA
Camera And Staging
by
Pavel LEBESHEV
Music
by
Giya KANCHELI
Starring:
Stanislav LYUBSHIN
as Vladimir Nikolaevich "Vovka" Mashkov
aka "Uncle Vova"
Evgeni LEONOV
as Uef ("Chatlanian")
Yuri YAKOVLEV
as Be ("Patzak")
Levan GABRIADZE
as Gedevan aka "Fiddler"
- Hi.
- Hi.
- Anything new?
- Pipes sprang a leak at the construction site.
[ A goofy song is heard on TV ]
Mommy, mommy, give me some advice.
Winter's coming with the frost and ice.
You don't have a warm and pretty shawl.
And no fur coat do I have at all!
- How's our "A-grade" student?
- He's out with friends.
Vovka! Go buy some bread. I forgot.
Oh, and fetch some noodles too.
Comrade, that man over there says he's from
another planet. We have to do something.
Call 911.
I will, but he's almost barefoot.
He'll catch a cold.
- How do you do?
- How do you do?
Please, excuse my bad smell.
- It's cold here. I found this in a garbage bin.
- Well done!
Friend! Please, tell me your
planet number in Tenture,
or at least the galaxy
number in the Spiral.
I pushed the wrong buttons
and now I can't return home.
Well, my dear fellow,
we don't remember the number...
Look, let's send this guy
to the information office,
and we'll wait for him
together at the baker's, okay?
- You can put these on.
- Uh-huh... Thank you.
Look, friends.
There's no need for the baker's
or the information office.
This is my planet:
Uzm, 247 in Tenture,
Galaxy Beta in The Spiral.
This is my teleportation machine.
Which buttons should I push
to get teleported home?
Since time is relative...
You do understand that, right?
OK, my friend. I have a proposition.
We "push the buttons" now...
and get teleported to your planet.
But if your little gizmo doesn't work...
then you will end up where you end up. Deal?
You can't. You don't know what you're doing.
Sure we can.
And you? What do you see? Huh?
- Sand...
- So, the damn thing worked.
And that idiot, with his holes,
did he stay back there?
Keep calm! Just keep calm.
We have sun, sand...
and we have gravity.
- Where are we? Are we on Earth, or...
- Or...?
No, let's assume we're on Earth,
in some desert. Right?
Say, Karakum. Huh?
What other deserts do we have?
- Gobi, Sahara...
- I said WE have!
We also have... Kyzylkum.
No. Let's assume it's Karakum. Huh?
So Ashkhabad must be there.
Got it? Let's go.
Got it? Let's go.
Come on! Come on!
Comrade, what is your name?
Vladimir Nikolaevich.
- I'm Gedevan.
- Pleased to meet you.
You have a bottle in your bag.
Is it wine?
No. It's vinegar.
I also have some herbs and spices.
Then... all systems go.
Vladimir Nikolaevich, do you
remember the number he said?
- The guy I gave my socks to...
- No.
Maybe, we're on his planet?
Listen, Fiddler...
We can guess all we want.
We don't know a damn thing!
We pick a direction
and we keep walking.
We just need to get to water. Got it?
Vladimir Nikolaevich,
I want to change into slippers.
- Well, do it!
- Then stop walking!
- What time is it?
- Four.
- At night?
- At night.
Are you late for something?
It's embarrassing...
I called from the airport, said
I'd be there in an hour, and...
- You study music?
- No. The violin isn't mine.
It is Maestro Rogozin's.
He was on a tour in my hometown,
and after the concert
they forgot to put
the violin on the plane.
- Banquet?
- Nope, just a dinner.
- Oh... Are you from Tbilisi?
- From Batumi. [Georgia, the Caucasus]
I thought I would return the violin
and manage to catch the last train.
- I study Textile Manufacturing in Ivanovo.
- Uh-huh...
I wanted to study International Relations
in Moscow, but there they told me...
Hush!
A man.
- "Koo".
- Hello.
A capitalist country...
Do you speak any
foreign languages?
English, French... after a fashion.
Tell them we don't have any money.
Tell them! They want us to pay.
How do you do?
We are tourists.
We've lost our group.
Please, give us a ride to the nearest city,
and we'll find our way from there.
Translate.
Hello.
We have no money.
We left money, passports
and foreign currency with our guide.
We stepped aside for a moment
and got lost in the sands.
Take it. Very warm.
Excuse me.
You want my fur-cap? Here you are.
It's not mine.
I can't give it away.
- There's nothing in there.
- Open it.
It's not wine, it's vinegar.
Sour, isn't it?
So, that's settled then?
Friend, will you give us a ride?
Fiddler, hurry up!
Just to the nearest city.
We'll be all right there.
What? My jacket?
Jerks...
I'm glad I didn't give
them the violin.
Looks like they're sorry.
"Ketze" what?
I think he wants a match.
You want a match?
Take it.
The whole box?
You get us out of here,
and we'll give you the "koo".
Not a single letter,
not a single "Made in", heh?
Sorry. I don't understand.
"Sprechen Sie Turkish?"
What do they want?
It's "koo" they want.
Thank you.
He wants me to put on a bell.
It's his problem.
I'll put it on, Vladimir Nikolaevich.
It's getting rather awkward.
Whatever.
All right, you win.
I'll just have a smoke.
Easy! Easy there. Easy.
Vladimir Nikolaevich,
maybe we are really on...
Yeah, typical Martians.
"Lucy, darling, damn you! You
just had to get those noodles!"
Well. You do speak Russian.
Why did you keep it back?
We didn't keep it back.
It's hard to penetrate your minds
when you 2 think in different languages.
And this Patzak always speaks
languages he hardly even knows!
What are you staring at?
"Maimuna verishvilla"!
- They speak Georgian, too!
- What did he say?
- "Monkey, son of an ass."
- That's it!
We are from the Soviet Union.
We are here on a cultural exchange.
Our authorities know where we are.
They are looking for us.
If you don't let us get in
touch with our embassy,
you'll be in serious trouble.
Capish?
We don't understand "embassy".
Put the 'tzak' back! Quickly!
You understand "noodles",
and you understand "maimuna",
yet you don't know "embassy"?
You poor things.
Enough! Stop fooling
us around! Got it?
About noodles... I simply
said what you thought.
It's not Earth, my dear fellow,
and it's not Africa.
It's planet Pluke, 215 in Tenture.
Galaxy Kin-Dza-Dza in the Spiral. Got it?
Well, hello, here we are.
Put the bell on, my dear.
Put it on.
Right... Attaboy!
- Excuse me, where have we landed?
- Shh! He's got sharp hearing.
- Do you know the Tenture of your planet?
- Tenture?
Well, tell us your
galaxy number in the Spiral
- In the spiral?
- Yes, yes, in the Spiral.
Well, Earth is there, you know...
spinning next to such planets as...
Venus, Saturn, Mars, Jupiter...
- What else, Vladimir Nikolaevich?
- The Big Dipper.
Vladimir Nikolaevich,
come over here.
- Do you have more matches on your planet?
- Lots.
How many will you give us
if we get you there?
- How many do you need?
- Two full boxes like this one.
- Seven!
- Seven!
And give me all that you have here.
I will trade them for a gravitzapa.
Excuse me, what is "gravitzapa"?
Well, it's a thing without which
'Pepelatz' can only fly like this...
but with a gravitzapa... to any place
in the Universe... in 5 seconds.
But how do you guys drive your Pepelatz
out of the garage without a gravitzapa?
- That's not right.
- We did have a gravitzapa!
But when we landed here,
someone snatched it up.
- By any chance, do you have a teleportation machine?
- No. No.
- Give me the matches.
- Give us some water.
Like this! Do like this!
Do like this! Like this!
This is yours.
This is what you use for smoking now.
Thank you.
He says they have a gravitzapa.
- Put your matches here.
- Well, we'll do like this...
When you get us to Earth,
you'll get this, and this.
Hey!
Fiddler, let's go
into outer space...
Stop!
Give it back!
- Give it back!
- Only on Mother Earth.
Vladimir Nikolaevich!
You said, if we take you to the
city, you will give us all of them.
And now you stole a match from us!
A Patzak shall not cheat
another Patzak. That's not nice!
I said "to the city"!
- And what is this?
- It's a shed.
And what is this? and this?
and this here? How come it's not a city?
Hey, don't get testy!
Show us your gravitzapa
If it's a decent one, we'll take it.
Patzak!
Only fools would take
contraband ketze in front of witnesses,
when it means to be sentenced to Etsikh for life,
with nails! Do you have 'ku' for brains or what?
We'll buy it ourselves.
Let's go.
Stop! I said STOP!
Who are you?
I asked who are you?
- Alien construction foreman.
- No, you are a Patzak.
- And who are you?
- I'm Georgian.
No, you are also a Patzak.
You are a Patzak, you are a Patzak,
and he is a Patzak.
And I am a Chatlanian,
and they are Chatlanians.
So, put on your tzak, and stay
in the Pepelatz! Got it?
Oh, yeah?
My friend, look at me.
How does the Visatorrespond?
Do you see the light? What color?
Green, isn't it?
Now look at him. It's green.
And the same with you... green.
Now look at Uef. What color?
Orange, isn't it?
That's because he is a Chatlanian.
Do you read me?
- What?
- Pluke is a Chatlanian planet.
So, we Patzaks, must wear tzaks.
Yes! And before us, Chatlanians,
you have to do like this!
Vladimir Nikolaevich,
this is outrageous racism!
- Please, would you do it again?
- Like this!
- A bit slower, would you? Please.
- Like... this...
Vladimir Nikolaevich...
Back home you have a wife,
a son with problems at school,
an overdue mortgage payment.
Yet, here you are...
playing the fool.
This will end badly, my friend.
Take it.
- OK, Fiddler, we'll play their game.
- That's a boy!
Now, give a match to Uef.
He'll buy a gravitzapa.
- But he said he needed them all.
- I was joking.
Heh... You guys are so funny!
- Koo!
- Wait! Koo. We'll go together.
Don't show them any of your ketze.
Don't even think about them.
Just show them my ketze.
And don't give 'em more than half a match.
It's a fair price for a gravitzapa.
Your Patzak said
it costs a whole match.
Shhh! He was joking too.
Cement series 300, isn't it?
- Patzak! Remember... half or less.
- All right.
Excuse me, but what is "Chatlanian"
or "Patzak"? Ethnicity?
No.
- A biological factor?
- No.
- People from different planets?
- No.
So, in what way are they different?
Fiddler, are you color-blind or what?
Can't you tell green from orange? Tourist!
Hey!
A skyscraper!
Come on, let's go.
Koo!
Do as I taught you.
Hi, missy.
Must be chilly in that fur coat?
They won't let me in.
They want you alone.
Don't give them the ketze.
Bring the gravitzapa here. I'll check it.
Go!
Not allowed!
- We're together.
- Not allowed!
Vladimir Nikolaevich, tell him!
It's all right. Wait here.
Just don't go anywhere.
Hi.
How's life?
To squat, you say?
Well, out of respect
for the ladies present.
Well? What's new on Pluke?
Put a ketze here and
you'll get a gravitzapa.
- Only a half.
- A half.
- Can I have a look?
- Sure.
Actually I'm not an expert
in these gravitzapas.
Let's show it to my Chatlanian.
He'll check it.
Just a minute... to set up a "tzap"'.
A sore throat?
Water.
I have a proposition.
I'll give you the rest of this ketze
for 2 bottles of water. Deal?
Deal.
Do you have food?
Porridge.
What kind?
Plastic.
Look. I'll give you this whole ketze
for 5 bottles of water
and a kilo of porridge.
- What's this?
- Ketze.
- I'll have to check it again.
- As you wish.
Hey, hang on a sec!
Just wait.
Fiddler, how about you?
Can you get matches on Earth?
Yes, I can.
If you can spit further than me,
I'll give you half a chatle.
If I can spit further, then over there,
on Earth, you'll give me 2 matches.
- Deal?
- No way.
It's a simple game.
I bet half a chatle. You bet 3 matches.
- Here, kid. Spit.
- No, thanks.
Well, OK. You bet one match.
I bet 3 chatles and yellow pants.
And I'll give you a head-start
like this. Come on.
- No.
- Blue pants!
Mr. Uef, I'm not gonna do it
under any circumstances.
Is that your final answer?
Then stop fooling me around,
"Maimuna verishvilla"! [Monkey, son of an ass]
Mr. Uef! I represent a civilized planet
and demand that you watch your language!
That's that!
Where are they?
- Who?
- That one, with a scar.
I'm a moron. I gave him all the matches.
Guys, stop it. That's enough.
Enough? Enough of what?
I told him a thousand times that
we should fly to the Center.
But he is greedy... like all Chatlanians.
"Two chatles cheaper..." Ku!
Well, I have one left.
As far as I know, it's enough
for a gravitzapa, is't it?
Give it to me, please.
- What for?
- To buy a gravitzapa.
- Where?
- There, in the Center.
And how are you going to
get us to Mother Earth,
if you don't even know what
galaxy it's in?
We can get your planet
number, you fool,
in any planetarium
in the Center for 2 chatles!
Give me the match, okay?
So that you could
bury us in the sand?
- It means you won't give it?
- No.
- Is that your final answer?
- As final as can be.
Farewell then, my friend.
They will fly away,
Vladimir Nikolaevich
No, they won't. They would sell their
own mother for a couple of matches.
Either you give us the match now,
or we won't take you back to Earth
for less than 7 matchboxes!
Two thousand.
Three.
- Two and three hundred.
- Three.
Two thousand five hundred.
I can't give more.
Yes, you can, my friend.
Mr. Be,
I have 50 rubles.
Matches cost 2 kopeks per box.
So, I can buy 2m500 matchboxes.
Fiddler is holding out on us!
He's got more chatles.
Mr Uef, stop calling me "Fiddler".
My name is Gedevan Alexandrovich.
Is that the engine in there?
Stop poking your nose into every hole,
"Gedevan Alexandrovich".
Gedevan, how about we tie these two
scoundrels up and head north?
What for?
Maybe, there's the Mediterranean Sea
swashing and splashing over there.
Heh... Vladimir Nikolaevich,
are you crazy, my friend?
A sea? on Pluke?
All the seas were used up
long ago to make "luts".
Excuse me, to make what?
Fuel, Fiddler. Fuel.
Here. That would be 6,140 matchboxes.
How come it's so many already?
You stuff your faces with porridge.
You drink water. Plus the contraption.
Never mind the contraption, we don't
want it. Put it back.
Let's take it. We need to bring back some
technology, or no-one will believe us.
Then give them the violin,
if you like the contraption so much.
It's an Italian antique violin,
worth a thousand rubles, if not more.
How will I ever pay for it?
Fiddler! Instead of thinking that you
are "the first Georgian cosmonaut"
and that you "will get a Nobel prize",
why don't you return the spoon you
stole from the poor guys like us?
I wasn't thinking any of that.
I wanted to donate it to the Institute of
non-ferrous metals. Maybe, it's something new.
Heaven! Heaven knows, Fiddler,
you are a disgrace for all Patzaks.
I am very deeply saddened.
- Where are you going?
- To the toilet.
You can't take money to the toilet.
Leave the money here,
Gedevan Alexandrovich.
- Ketze, my dear fellow, is very expensive.
- Why?
Well, over there, on Earth,
how do you know
how many times who has to
squat and before whom?
We go by instinct!
Barbarians!
Look,
I've come to like you.
So, I'll teach you.
If I have "a little" ketze,
I have a right to wear yellow pants.
and Patzaks have to squat
before me not just once but twice.
If I have "a lot" of ketze,
I have a right to wear pink pants
and not only do Patzaks have
to squat before me twice
...but Chatlanians have to koo as well!
And Etsilops cannot
beat me up at night! Ever!
Um... I have a proposition.
You, my dear fellow,
give us the match now,
and later we will bring
you yellow pants. A deal?
Thanks, I already have a pair.
Maybe Fiddler needs some?
Fiddler! The aliens are
selling some pants here.
Yellow. Do you need any?
There is no Fiddler, my friend.
- Come again?
- I have got rid of him.
Don't worry, Vladimir Nikolaevich
We have another catapult. A new one.
That one was broken anyway.
I don't get it...
I pressed the kappa. He flew away.
Fiddler isn't needed.
He was a waste of fuel.
Turn back!
We can't.
We're out of luts. We have
to fly to the luts station.
Turn back! Or I'll burn this
damn ketze right here!
Gedevan!
Fiddler!
Fiddler!
- He couldn't just disappear!
- I told you... he got busted by Etsilops.
- Now let's fly, my friend.
- Death's too good for you!
Call the Etsilops on the radio!
We have no radio. We threw it away.
I'll come and check it!
An Etsilop!
Put on your tzak, quickly!
- Put on a tzak!
- Don't hold your breath.
Put it on! or he'll tranklukate
both you and the match!
How do you do?
Look, friend, we lost a guy
around here. Did you see him?
What?
Oh, sorry. I forgot.
So, did you pick him up?
I told you, Fiddler isn't needed.
I told you!
How are we supposed to buy luts now?
How?!
How?!
- You, my dear fellow, are a bastard!
- He is even worse. He's just a ku!
I have a suggestion.
We find Fiddler,
and then we go to the authorities.
Bring me some sand, please.
We'll tell them who we are
and where we are from.
They will give us a gravitzapa,
and we will...
make a mutually beneficial arrangement.
You will send us yellow pants,
and we will send you ketze
as much as you want.
To fly to the authorities
we need a gravitzapa!
The government is on another planet,
my dear friend.
Uncle Vova! I'm here! Here!
- Fiddler!
- What?
Where is my... whatchamacallit?
- Tzak?
- Yeah.
- I've got it.
- Well, give it to me.
- But what for?
- Just give it to me.
But there's nobody around.
- That one is mine.
- So, keep it handy!
- Are you asleep?
- No.
Don't lose heart, Fiddler.
If there is a gravitzapa
on this Pluke, we'll get it.
We've managed to get
even more difficult things!
Quiet!
Hey! Stop!
Hey, would you give
us a ride to the Center?
- Patzak! Stop there!
- What?
Don't come any closer.
- What do you want?
- Give us a ride to the Center!
Three chatles.
We have no money,
but we can work it off.
What can you do?
- Me? Anything!
- Be specific.
Vladimir Nikolaevich
is a builder! A foreman!
We'll build you a house!
And what can YOU do?
Me?
He can play the fiddle!
Play!
- Play.
- I can't!
Bye, Patzaks!
Hey! Missy! Wait!
I can play!
Do play!
Here?
There!
Wait! I'll adjust the sound.
Play!
And sing!
Okay, just a sec.
How does it go...?
Mommy, mommy, give me some advice.
Winter's coming with the frost and ice.
Wow!
What?
- I said 'Wow!'
- Heh... People like it.
- What?
- People like it!
No.
- I could drum.
- How's that?
Foreman!
Fiddler isn't needed.
It's okay. He won't be a drag.
- Come on, give us some water, huh?
- I said: 'after the performance'.
We might as well just take it...
by force.
Then you'd have to beg us.
Oh really! You touch me, and an Etsilop
will come and rip your legs off.
I don't give a damn about your Etsilop!
Easy there, Fiddler.
Don't provoke the lady.
Foreman!
Watch!
Okay, I get it. I get it.
Look, do you have a friend with
a gravitzapa and a Pepelatz?
What for?
If you could give us a ride to Earth,
we'd give you each a box of matches.
I get that no one believes in using words
here. Well, tell me what I'm thinking.
That your wife must be
calling the morgues now.
No. What am I thinking right now?
That you'll do it.
See? It's true!
Ha! What kind of fool would
ever think the truth on Pluke!
Absurd!
And since you say
what you don't think
and think what you don't think,
you all sit in cages!
And on the whole
all this bitter conflict
that I observe here...
together with Vladimir Nikolaevich...
Patzaks are to perform
in cages. So be it.
Stop showing off!
It's OK, darling. We'll be
singing here, right next to it.
Get in. He spotted us.
You'll get us all tranklukated.
- We are not animals.
- What?!
- Now you'll get in! Get in!
- Let go! Stop it!
Get in now,
or he'll melt us down!
Well, if you insist...
Fiddler, let's get in.
Go ahead.
One, two, three...
- Dance!
- Dance!
You know what?
Go find some other band! Dude!
What?!?!
I'll be back. Stay put!
We must get out of here.
Boys, give the cart a push.
It's uphill.
This, we'll do with pleasure.
Punch it!
Bye-bye! Losers!
I will tell everyone...
...where the planet is going
under this clown PG!
Patzaks have no damn respect
for Chatlanians!
Ku!
Well? Is everything in there?
She stole my cologne.
Women.
Let me...
What do you have in there? Bricks?
I'll carry it, Uncle Vova.
I don't even know
which way to look...
Where is Earth?
Galina Borisovna! Me and
comrade Mashkov, being Patzaks,
could earn only 2 chatles
for a show. And that's at best.
Water, luts, and fines to the Etsilops
cost a chatle a day... at least.
And a gravitzapa is worth half
a ketze! That's 2,200 chatles.
Divide by 365. Minus weekends.
Equals 6.
I simply couldn't get
back in less than 6 years.
Very well, Gedevan Alexandrovich,
but I only have your word for it.
Do you have any proof that
you indeed returned from Space?
Maybe, you simply sold the violin,
as Maestro Ragosin assume,
...and then spent some
quality time, out in the disco.
This is a mineral.
This is a chatle.
This is a tzak.
A metal nut and
a sample of sand
are included in the report
I handed in to the Dean's secretary.
So they could forward
it to the United Nations.
- Where?!
- The United Nations!
You are a grown man,
Gedevan Alexandrovich.
You studied here for a term,
and then disappeared for years.
Now you show up
with a pebble,
a piece of Georgian ceramics
and a little bell.
And you expect us to...
And by the way,
if you are so musical,
why weren't you in
our student orchestra?
Excuse me, Fiddler,
but this is elementary 'koo'!
END OF PART ONE
aj
PART TWO
CONCISE CHATLANIAN-PATZAK DICTIONARY
ketze - match(es)
tzak - nose bell
etsikh - container for prisoners
etsilop - law enforcement officer
pepelatz - spaceship
gravitzapa - pepelatz engine component
ku - socially acceptable swearword
koo - all other words
- Hi!
- Hello.
Long time no see!
Bye!
Hey! Hang on a sec.
I have a proposition.
What?
What?
What do we think about you?
Come on!
Read our minds.
Stop pestering us.
What do you want?
- Don't you have a conscience?
- And you?
We're poor, miserable, hungry performers!
Have we mistreated you?
Why do you keep harassing us?
Give me your gadget for a sec.
Tune it up.
Good. Let's go for it.
One, two, three...
Mommy, mommy, what is to be done?
Koo!
Mommy, mommy, winter is no fun.
I don't have a coat to get warm,
And no woollens for a snowstorm.
Shut up! You're tone-deaf.
Mommy, mommy, I cannot but grieve.
Mommy, mommy, how shall I live?
Uncle Vova, let's do it again!
- They love it!
- They know a good thing...
One, two...
Etsilop!
Hey, performers!
Where's our shipping cask?
- Pepelatz?
- Yes.
Over there.
- We've run out of luts.
- All because of you, you bastard!
Fiddler! Just what do you
think you're doing! Vandal!
Listen, just leave me alone...
My dear fellow...
This is a Last Breath, a grave,
a cemetery.
Checkmate!
- A "semi-pro", you say?
- He's just bragging.
That's not fair play! You are
scanning my brains to win.
If you had brains, you'd be studying in the
University instead of messing around here.
Let's play again. You bet the violin,
its container, and the tooth-stick.
And this here.
A deal?
Well, okay! You bet the Widget,
the Visator, and Mr. Uef's life-base.
- No objections.
- Let's play.
Uncle Vova!
It's "tzapa" you need to turn.
Tzapa!
- Here, you do it yourself!
- Nothing doing. I am Chatlanian.
Get outta here!
When you need advice,
a Chatlanian is around.
When you need work to be done,...
- Fool's mate!
- It's not fair play!
You deliberately didn't think
my moves over well enough!
Then use your own brains to play.
How can he use his own brains, when
he's never seen these figurines before.
- Not my problem. Give me my winnings.
- No way.
Uef, have you ever seen such a little Patzak
to be such a mercantile ku?
Never. I said that Fiddler wasn't
needed. Here's the result!
Hey! Chief!
And you said "tzapa"!
So, nobody sings in cages
there, on Earth?
Mr. Be, on Earth
only wild animals are kept in cages.
Are animals Chatlanians?
I don't know. It looks like that.
- Is Nightingale Patzak?
- Why Patzak?
You said he sings without a cage.
- Well, Patzak then.
- Ah! You see!
You've got the same serious racism.
Just like us... here, on Pluke.
Only, the power belongs not
to Chatlanians but to Patzaks...
like you and your friend Nightingale.
Let me do it.
Here, four gulps.
First... the young one.
That would be 6042 matchboxes.
Fiddler, write it down.
I did.
Want some?
No.
For free.
What do you think you're doing?
What about me?! me?! me?!
10 more matchboxes on me.
Go pump some more water.
Kin-Dza-Dza!
- A boat!
- It's not a boat.
- It's a luts station.
- Let's refuel!
- Not here!
- It's automatic. The next one is operated by a woman.
We'll give a performance.
She'll give us a discount. Got it?
Stop slacking, uncle Vova!
Let's move! Let's move! Come on!
If this used to be a sea, why
aren't there any seashells?
Do you still have seas on Earth?
We have seas, rivers,
and decent people, Mr. Uef.
Barbarians! I feel like crying!
Mommy, mommy, what is to be done?
Mommy, mommy, winter is no fun!
I don't have a coat to get warm
And no woollens for a snowstorm!
I wish my boss saw me now.
I'd get a pay rise!
Hush, Uncle Vova! The lady is watching us.
They took the woman away,
and put in a vending machine.
Buy as much as we can afford.
We'll fly part of the way at least.
Luts is not sold in parts. It costs
10 chatles apiece. But we have only 7.
- How far is the Center?
- 100 miles.
Uncle Vova, Uef has more chatles.
In his right boot.
Hey! Chatlanian!
What?
Take off your right boot.
What for?
C'mon! Koo! Koo!
- Koo-oo?!
- Ku! A pest!
Squat!
Why? They aren't Etsilops, are they?
It's PG and his Patzak!
If you don't squat...,
and they find it out...
that's "etsikh" with nails for life!
- But who is he?
- Shh!
- Oh! Was it a video?
- Huh... Holography, my friend!
The violin!
Easy! Stand still! Freeze!
And you said "koo!"
It's not a blimp, you moron!
It's the Last Breath of Mister PG.
Nonsense!
How could one man breathe out
so much air while dying? Absurd!
Don't you fear Heaven?
PG is alive, and I'm happy!
And I'm even happier!
There you go.
Okay, climb inside.
- Plastic?
- No.
Isn't there a conventional
entrance to this mall?
For the conventional entrance,
my dear, we'd have to pay in chatles.
- Come on, let's go.
- Get lost!
Fiddler! Patzaks go there.
- What are they doing?
- It's Mister PG's 4th Pump.
- I love PG very much.
- I koo him even more!
Here they make water out of luts.
- What are they shouting?
- They are selling.
- Selling what?
- Everything.
Let's buy a gravitzapa!
Gravitzapa is in
another department.
First we need to find
out Tenture of Earth.
Yellow pants... double koo!
Think! The diameter
of your planet's orbit.
I don't remember.
Fiddler, take over.
No! Fiddler isn't needed.
You do it!
Whatever.
Specific weight of your
planet's core. Think!
Specific weight?
No, I can't remember.
I see.
The names of other planets in your
galaxy, as many as you know. Think!
Jupiter, Mars, Saturn, Venus...
Hey! My image sensing crystal!
Where's my image sensing crystal? Huh?!
Fiddler! Put it back!
I thought it was a trifle,
just a piece of glass.
Shabby nitwit.
Enough. Stop rattling
your brains. Moron!
Here is your planet: 013 in Tenture,
just left of the Big Dipper.
If you wanna talk,
that's a chatle extra.
- Come again?
- Your phone number! Think!
And tell them about the matches.
Hello.
Hello. Speaking.
Speak into this thing.
Hello!
Hello, please, speak!
- Hello!
- Speak! Time is running!
Hello!
Lucy!
- Vovka?!
- Can you hear me? It's me!
Vovka! Where are you?!
I'm here... How are you there?
How's our son?
Where on Earth...
Where are you, Vovka?!
Well, I am here, at some place.
I will explain later.
Is Mom well?
Have you visited her?
- Yes, I have.
- And?!
I'm asking you: "Where are you?"
Listen, Patzak woman! Stop getting at him!
Go buy 2 boxes of ketze!
- Or we'll find him a younger one.
- Damn it!
Lucy! Lucy...
Lucy, my darling!
Lucy...
Lucy! Please, dial up Manokhin!
Tell him that the keys to the
fitting shop are in my trailer,
under the locker, on the floor.
Have you understood all?
Oh, yeah. I understood "all".
Please, dial Batumi 3-47-57
and ask for Alik.
No! Take a walk. Thief.
Is something wrong?
Huh?
Everything's fine.
Only Earth is very far away.
It'll take 7 minutes instead of 5
to warm up the engine.
So, let's go and prepare
the tzapa for the gravitzapa.
Hey, astronauts!
Which one is tzapa?
It is that one... the rusty nut,
my dear friend.
Everything is rusty here!
That one is the rustiest
What the hell! Are you nuts?
Oh-oh! My-my!
Lucy and Manokhin have "teleported!"
Big deal!
Uncle Vova!
The match was in the field cap!
Weird... Why would they leave?
Weird?! Now they have a match to buy a
gravitzapa and they know Tenture of Earth!
Comrade Etsilop!
Comrade Etsilop!
They stole from us!
Please, catch them!
Koo!
Catch them!
40 chatles.
No chatles!
The tour guide has got 'em all!
And the violin is also not theirs!
They didn't koo before the PG's image!
What are you staring at?
What the hell are you staring at?
I will tell your bosses that
you knew and took no action.
You'll be frickin' tranklukated!
Got it?
I did take action!
I pressed the 'kappa'
right away. Fiddler will confirm!
All units! There's a runaway.
A cask with castor wheels. Koo!
- There's nothing in there.
- Open it.
Let him see.
It's vinegar.
Mind your own business.
The Patzak will be tranklukated.
The Chatlanian will get etsikh for life, with nails.
Brothers! Brothers!
My dear fellow Patzaks!
Tell them the truth!
I was squatting!
It's this Chatlanian
who was pressing the kappa.
- Shut up!
- Uncle Vova!
- Shut up, parasite!
- "You" shut up!
Vovka, my friend!
- Gedevan Alexandrovich! Confrere!
- Don't listen to him!
Tell them it was him!
He was the one who did not squat!
- And I will present you with the Pepelatz!
- Uncle Vova, the Pepelatz is mine!
Calm down! Calm down...
Hang on a sec.
Nobody railed at anyone.
Everybody squatted like chimps.
I got confused.
And it was me who
brought the ketze here.
- What ketze?
- The match you took out of the field cap.
There was no match! None!
Uncle Vova! My dear fellow!
What's the matter with you?
Sorry, I forgot. There was no match.
None.
You both get "etsikh" for life,
without nails, until the penalty is paid.
The penalty is 500 chatles.
250 chatles per head.
Thank you!
Patzak, fix the violin and sing your songs!
Fiddler, tune up the Widget!
Guys, about the match...
It was a joke! Just for fun!
Bye-bye!
Across the river, across the river,
on the other river bank,
Koo!
...my Mary is... Uuuuh
Hello, Earthling!
"I am sure, one day you would
reach this planet as well."
"Greetings from Vladimir Nikolaevich
Mashkov, a builder from Moscow,"
"and Gedevan Alexidze from Batumi,"
"who were the first to set foot
onto these wretched sands"
"in this god-forsaken corner
of the Universe."
Brother Patzak, throw in some
more "ruberoid". The pottage is too thin.
Then give me something else.
"Maybe by this time, some people
who knew me are still alive."
"Please, tell them that
I did not steal the violin."
Look! As good as new.
Here is a small piece left.
That happens...
sometimes...
Rich in calories?
Earthlings! You really shouldn't
have pressed the keys like that!
It wasn't easy to track you down.
Thank God! The gadget has built-in memory.
Here's your socks. Thank you.
If you wish, I can teleport
you back to Earth.
I found out your Tenture number.
But hurry up! One second
here is half a year there.
Then I have a proposition.
We rush to Earth now,
get some matches, come back here,
sell them and buy our guys out.
- Then we go to Moscow, and you go home.
- I can't do that. The battery has charge only for 3 trips.
But that's perfect! Just enough
to go there, here and back again.
And what about me?!
Well, friend...
Make up your minds. Yes or no?
I'm counting to three. One...
- Wait.
- Two...
Well, put yourself in my shoes.
The guys are doing time because of me.
And my little son has a beard like
this by now! Two and a half...
- Two and a half!
- I... cannot do this.
Three.
Argh! Who needs all this stuff...
All these craps-tzaks,
all this trash!
And where did you get this? Huh?
Ugh... In the planetarium. It was
just lying around on a shelf.
Fiddler...
My little klepto...
You snatched up a gravitzapa!
Patzaks! Patzaks!
How come you sing here standing?
Standing is allowed only over there.
- An Etsilop didn't let us in there.
- Here you can sing only on your knees.
Thanks, we are fine as we are.
Come on, you can spare some coins!
Well, well, well...
Now behave yourselves.
Strangers in the koo...
Uncle Vova!
There comes your coat
with my fur cap on top.
Hi!
How's life?
What's new on Pluke?
Sing.
Well, we are in bad voice today.
Sing!
Vladimir Nikolaevich,...
- I can't stand this any longer.
- Easy now, Fiddler.
- What's this worth?
- One hundred.
Okay... Looks like
we have sung enough.
- And this one?
- Fifty.
Etsilop!
Patzaks!
Why aren't you wearing muzzles?
Turn around!
New order from Mister PG.
Now all Patzaks must wear
muzzles... and be happy!
Okay, "this" here is for me.
...and "this" is for you.
...and "this" one is for you.
Why aren't you happy?
Did you hear me? Huh?
Raise your tranklukator, Chatlanian!
Aah!
- Put it on!
- Yes, sir!
And be happy!
I am so happy!
Oh, look!
PG is over here!
Where?
Get up!
Get up!
Open your mouth!
Open wider!
Fiddler! Bring a gag!
Quickly!
[Swearing in Georgian]
Turn around!
And your nose!
Give us our money back!
Okay. Here, hold this.
...like this.
Take this off!
And if you think
it's not a tranklukator,
it will be the last frickin' thought
in your dumb Chatlanian head!
Show us the shortest way to the Etsikh.
Go!
Everybody down!
Stay put for half an hour!
- Move!
- Move!
Faster!
Excuse us, granny.
That was PG's Mother!
A video?
In the flesh!
Everybody!
Get in the washtub! Now!
Open the door!
And stay put the whole day!
Koo? or not koo?
Here it is.
- What number?
- The latest.
Well, hello there.
Hey! Chatlanian!
- Sing!
- Fiddler, stop it.
Roll out the the preceding one!
Get lost!
Hello,
Gedevan Alexandrovich.
['Hello' in Georgian]
Climb out.
- We can't.
- They'll catch us.
Stop!
We have a gravitzapa.
Ouch!
- Koo, Uncle Vova!
- Koo, koo.
Cut it through.
Right here.
- Koo!
- Push it out!
Uncle Vova! Please help
me roll the etsikh out!
- Leave it!
- Vladimir Nikolaevich!
Humankind worked for millenniums
just to get one rock from the Moon!
And here we have a live alien
and an etsikh...
...made of unknown metal!
I said... leave it!
- Tzapa.
- Yes, sir, tzapa.
- Tzapa!
- Press the tzapa!
- I did! I did!
- Are we flying already?
- Starting it up...
Let's hurry up, guys!
Before they come to their senses!
Don't get in the way!
- We've landed.
- Landed where?
On Hanut.
What's "Hanut"?
- The planet where I was born.
- Me too.
- It's night.
- Now it's always night here.
- Put this on.
- What for?
- There's no frickin' air here.
- So, how do you live here?
Nobody has lived here for years.
Plukians tranklukated the planet
while we were on tour.
Why?
- So that we didn't get them first.
- Why did you want to get them?
So that they weren't hovering over us!
- And all perished?
- Of course!
Vovka, I have a proposition.
- This planet now costs peanuts.
- 63 chatles.
We sing 'Mommy' around the galaxy for a month...
...and the planet is ours!
- Another month and we'll buy the air.
- 93 chatles.
Everyone who has no air
will rush straight here.
The air belongs to us.
They will crawl before us,
and we will spit on them.
What for?
- To derive enjoyment!
- How can anyone enjoy that?
Heh... He's just too young.
Half of the planet will be yours,
the other half... ours. A deal?
This is very tempting.
But, guys, we need to go back to Earth.
Hurry up, the grocery
closes in half an hour.
Vovka, relax.
Look!
We are here.
Earth is there.
- And this is Alpha.
- On Alpha they turn us into cactuses.
Earth, my dear fellow,
is in Anti-Tenture.
There is no way we can
get there. You see?
How's that?
That's how it is.
It's just my luck, really.
A Pepelatz cannot make it to Earth!
And stop blabbing!
Okay?
Let's go! We have
a planet to divide.
Did you learn about
this in the planetarium?
Yes, my friend.
That's why you stole the match?
- Of course!
- Uncle Vova, they are lying!
Don't believe them!
Take us to Earth, now!
No, Gedevan.
They are not lying.
They'd crawl across the Universe on their
stomachs for a chance to get some matches.
Vovka, it's a silly thing to do.
This air has only 2% oxygen.
Gedevan...
Don't do this, you are young.
You should live!
Maybe, things will change.
Fiddler isn't needed, Uncle Vova.
Hey, Patzak!
You'll kick the bucket
in a minute, so...
For once, tell the truth!
You could have let that guy
teleport you. Why didn't you?
What did you want?
Pink pants?
PG's swimming pool?
Tell us,
what did you want?
Gedevan! Dear friend!
You tell me.
You can trust me!
We are two of a kind.
My mother is Georgian.
Well, used to be...
[Both speaking in Georgian]
He says his mother used
to be a local Georgian.
Uef! You do what you want...
but I will take them to Alpha! Koo!
- Ku!
- And you, lousy Chatlanian,...
...put on a tzak! And squat
when you speak to a Patzak!
Hanut, my dear fellow,
is a Patzak planet!
Repeat it again.
You eject us onto Alpha while
trying to slow down in Alpha's orbit.
- To slow down... My foot!
- Don't interrupt!
Go on, my friend.
On Alpha, when they
transport us back to Earth,
we must hold on to the bottom of
the space-teleportation gadget.
In this way the gadget will be
teleported with us.
On Earth we must buy you
four bags full of matches.
Go on, my friend.
How many times do
we have to go over it?
Let's fly, shall we?
Because of you, I will
end up in a pot forever!
And you are too lazy
to open your mouth one more time!
Guys! Brothers!
My dear good friends!
Let's fly. Or, at least,
close the door.
I can't stand the sight
of you any longer.
I'm sick of it all.
So long, my friend.
We are flying!
Apply the brakes!
Brakes!
Brakes!
How am I supposed to apply the brakes
when you've drunk all our brake fluid! Alkie!
It can poison him.
- Turn off your antlers.
- They can't be turned off.
- Take them off then.
- They might break.
I think we've landed.
That's how it was the last time.
Okay...
Put on your gas mask.
- What about a tzak?
- We can do without.
Earth!
Across the river, across the river,
on the other river bank...
No.
This isn't Earth.
How do you do?
We are Patzaks from the planet Earth.
Who are you?
This is planet Alpha.
Tell Decont here,
your coordinates
and she will teleport you
back to the starting point.
Have a nice day.
Please, tell me your planet number.
013 in Tenture.
It is here... approximately...
Here it is.
- To the left of the Big Dipper.
- This is unnecessary.
Could you, please, hold your hands.
- Miss, what did you do with... them?
- They are in the 2nd Greenhouse now.
Could you, please, hold your hands.
- Do you really turn people into cactuses?
- Only those from Pluke.
They are not from Pluke!
They are from Hanut!
This is irrelevant.
Could you, please, put on
your breathing apparatus.
- But why? You have beautiful air!
- That is why.
- Heh...! Just look at her!
- Easy there. Just put it on, Gedevan.
On behalf of our planet, please...
Let them go.
Well, who can make this decision?
Abradox can. But...
Well, take us to him!
Do it, or I'll take off the mask
and begin breathing out!
You shouldn't worry.
Our greenhouses provide
the best environment.
Blossoming, microclimate,
peace and quiet!
Isn't it something to be desired?
Then, my dear, why are you
frolicking around on the grass
...instead of sitting in a pot?
Please, watch your step! You have
just broken a green shoot again.
Friend!
- Can we ask you a favor?
- No need to continue.
It's a 'no'.
Our proximity to the
Kin-Dza-Dza galaxy...
...is our misfortune. They are
plagued by yearnings and desires.
Vile desires!
Transformation into
a plant life-form...
...is for their own good.
And for everyone else's!
Maybe we should bring them here and
let them decide what is good for them?
Oh, if we gave that sort of beings an
opportunity to decide about anything...
Miss, are you the smartest here!
Did somebody tell you that? Or
did you figure it out on your own?
Let's not waste time.
You are creatures from Anti-Tenture.
That means I have an obligation
to teleport you...
...to the starting
point of your journey.
Or, we can send you back in time...
...to the moment when you
could decide your own fate.
- The choice is yours.
- Sorry, I don't get it. Back in time?
To the past. Back to Pluke.
Um... Can you send one of us to Earth
and the other one to the past?
Vladimir Nikolaevich,
I won't let you go
back to Pluke alone.
Okay, dude...
Back in time!
How long was I fixing the
violin? 50 minutes or so?
About 50.
Brother Patzak...
A guy with socks will be here soon.
Tell him to follow us to the Etsikh.
- Do you know where it is?
- Sure.
- So, you will show him.
- Pay me some more then.
Everybody have a rest
for half an hour!
Thank you, brothers.
Carry on, boys. Carry on.
Fiddler! Hurry up!
You didn't go home!
Again! You pest...
- Yes. Climb out!
- Not for love or money!
It's better here than on Alpha.
Come on, pull them out.
We'll have a space-transportation
gadget in a minute.
Vladimir Nikolaevich!
You owe us 11,000 boxes.
Fiddler has it written down!
11,020.
I have a proposition.
Vovka...
We get teleported together
...right into the grocery.
- We buy everything and then...
- There will be no "then"
We all stay on Earth.
Forever?!
Forever.
Me, on the planet where they don't know
who has to squat before whom? Nonsense!
- Give us the gravitzapa and that's it!
- Uncle Uef, Uncle Be!
- You will be so welcome there!
- No, comrade!
A society without the
color differentiation of pants...
...is a society without purpose!
And without a purpose...
Guys, enough with the philosophy.
He's going to appear soon.
Make up your minds.
Are you going with us?
Just give us the
gravitzapa. Okay?
Give it to them.
It's a pity!
So...
We should say our farewells.
I kind of got used to you.
Me too.
Well... Take care!
Friends! Patzaks!
Here's your socks. Thank you.
And if you wish...
Friend!
What's the type of your gadget?
Might I take a look?
A regular type.
Press the key...
and you're back home.
Hi.
Hi. Anything new?
Pipes sprang a leak at
the construction site.
Mommy, mommy, give me some advice.
Winter's coming with the frost and ice.
You don't have a warm and pretty shawl.
And no fur coat do I have at all.
- How's our "A-grade" student?
- He's out with friends.
Vovka! Go buy some bread. I forgot.
Oh, and fetch some noodles too.
Comrade! How could I get
to Old Arbat Street?
- Turn right over there.
- Thank you.
Fiddler?
Uncle Vova?
Fiddler!
Uncle Vova!
Mommy, mommy, give me some advice...
The End
Screenplay
by
Revaz GABRIADZE
Georgi DANELIYA
Directed
by
Georgi DANELIYA
Camera And Staging
by
Pavel LEBESHEV
Music
by
Giya KANCHELI
Starring:
Stanislav LYUBSHIN
as Vladimir Nikolaevich "Vovka" Mashkov
aka "Uncle Vova"
Evgeni LEONOV
as Uef ("Chatlanian")
Yuri YAKOVLEV
as Be ("Patzak")
Levan GABRIADZE
as Gedevan aka "Fiddler"
- Hi.
- Hi.
- Anything new?
- Pipes sprang a leak at the construction site.
[ A goofy song is heard on TV ]
Mommy, mommy, give me some advice.
Winter's coming with the frost and ice.
You don't have a warm and pretty shawl.
And no fur coat do I have at all!
- How's our "A-grade" student?
- He's out with friends.
Vovka! Go buy some bread. I forgot.
Oh, and fetch some noodles too.
Comrade, that man over there says he's from
another planet. We have to do something.
Call 911.
I will, but he's almost barefoot.
He'll catch a cold.
- How do you do?
- How do you do?
Please, excuse my bad smell.
- It's cold here. I found this in a garbage bin.
- Well done!
Friend! Please, tell me your
planet number in Tenture,
or at least the galaxy
number in the Spiral.
I pushed the wrong buttons
and now I can't return home.
Well, my dear fellow,
we don't remember the number...
Look, let's send this guy
to the information office,
and we'll wait for him
together at the baker's, okay?
- You can put these on.
- Uh-huh... Thank you.
Look, friends.
There's no need for the baker's
or the information office.
This is my planet:
Uzm, 247 in Tenture,
Galaxy Beta in The Spiral.
This is my teleportation machine.
Which buttons should I push
to get teleported home?
Since time is relative...
You do understand that, right?
OK, my friend. I have a proposition.
We "push the buttons" now...
and get teleported to your planet.
But if your little gizmo doesn't work...
then you will end up where you end up. Deal?
You can't. You don't know what you're doing.
Sure we can.
And you? What do you see? Huh?
- Sand...
- So, the damn thing worked.
And that idiot, with his holes,
did he stay back there?
Keep calm! Just keep calm.
We have sun, sand...
and we have gravity.
- Where are we? Are we on Earth, or...
- Or...?
No, let's assume we're on Earth,
in some desert. Right?
Say, Karakum. Huh?
What other deserts do we have?
- Gobi, Sahara...
- I said WE have!
We also have... Kyzylkum.
No. Let's assume it's Karakum. Huh?
So Ashkhabad must be there.
Got it? Let's go.
Got it? Let's go.
Come on! Come on!
Comrade, what is your name?
Vladimir Nikolaevich.
- I'm Gedevan.
- Pleased to meet you.
You have a bottle in your bag.
Is it wine?
No. It's vinegar.
I also have some herbs and spices.
Then... all systems go.
Vladimir Nikolaevich, do you
remember the number he said?
- The guy I gave my socks to...
- No.
Maybe, we're on his planet?
Listen, Fiddler...
We can guess all we want.
We don't know a damn thing!
We pick a direction
and we keep walking.
We just need to get to water. Got it?
Vladimir Nikolaevich,
I want to change into slippers.
- Well, do it!
- Then stop walking!
- What time is it?
- Four.
- At night?
- At night.
Are you late for something?
It's embarrassing...
I called from the airport, said
I'd be there in an hour, and...
- You study music?
- No. The violin isn't mine.
It is Maestro Rogozin's.
He was on a tour in my hometown,
and after the concert
they forgot to put
the violin on the plane.
- Banquet?
- Nope, just a dinner.
- Oh... Are you from Tbilisi?
- From Batumi. [Georgia, the Caucasus]
I thought I would return the violin
and manage to catch the last train.
- I study Textile Manufacturing in Ivanovo.
- Uh-huh...
I wanted to study International Relations
in Moscow, but there they told me...
Hush!
A man.
- "Koo".
- Hello.
A capitalist country...
Do you speak any
foreign languages?
English, French... after a fashion.
Tell them we don't have any money.
Tell them! They want us to pay.
How do you do?
We are tourists.
We've lost our group.
Please, give us a ride to the nearest city,
and we'll find our way from there.
Translate.
Hello.
We have no money.
We left money, passports
and foreign currency with our guide.
We stepped aside for a moment
and got lost in the sands.
Take it. Very warm.
Excuse me.
You want my fur-cap? Here you are.
It's not mine.
I can't give it away.
- There's nothing in there.
- Open it.
It's not wine, it's vinegar.
Sour, isn't it?
So, that's settled then?
Friend, will you give us a ride?
Fiddler, hurry up!
Just to the nearest city.
We'll be all right there.
What? My jacket?
Jerks...
I'm glad I didn't give
them the violin.
Looks like they're sorry.
"Ketze" what?
I think he wants a match.
You want a match?
Take it.
The whole box?
You get us out of here,
and we'll give you the "koo".
Not a single letter,
not a single "Made in", heh?
Sorry. I don't understand.
"Sprechen Sie Turkish?"
What do they want?
It's "koo" they want.
Thank you.
He wants me to put on a bell.
It's his problem.
I'll put it on, Vladimir Nikolaevich.
It's getting rather awkward.
Whatever.
All right, you win.
I'll just have a smoke.
Easy! Easy there. Easy.
Vladimir Nikolaevich,
maybe we are really on...
Yeah, typical Martians.
"Lucy, darling, damn you! You
just had to get those noodles!"
Well. You do speak Russian.
Why did you keep it back?
We didn't keep it back.
It's hard to penetrate your minds
when you 2 think in different languages.
And this Patzak always speaks
languages he hardly even knows!
What are you staring at?
"Maimuna verishvilla"!
- They speak Georgian, too!
- What did he say?
- "Monkey, son of an ass."
- That's it!
We are from the Soviet Union.
We are here on a cultural exchange.
Our authorities know where we are.
They are looking for us.
If you don't let us get in
touch with our embassy,
you'll be in serious trouble.
Capish?
We don't understand "embassy".
Put the 'tzak' back! Quickly!
You understand "noodles",
and you understand "maimuna",
yet you don't know "embassy"?
You poor things.
Enough! Stop fooling
us around! Got it?
About noodles... I simply
said what you thought.
It's not Earth, my dear fellow,
and it's not Africa.
It's planet Pluke, 215 in Tenture.
Galaxy Kin-Dza-Dza in the Spiral. Got it?
Well, hello, here we are.
Put the bell on, my dear.
Put it on.
Right... Attaboy!
- Excuse me, where have we landed?
- Shh! He's got sharp hearing.
- Do you know the Tenture of your planet?
- Tenture?
Well, tell us your
galaxy number in the Spiral
- In the spiral?
- Yes, yes, in the Spiral.
Well, Earth is there, you know...
spinning next to such planets as...
Venus, Saturn, Mars, Jupiter...
- What else, Vladimir Nikolaevich?
- The Big Dipper.
Vladimir Nikolaevich,
come over here.
- Do you have more matches on your planet?
- Lots.
How many will you give us
if we get you there?
- How many do you need?
- Two full boxes like this one.
- Seven!
- Seven!
And give me all that you have here.
I will trade them for a gravitzapa.
Excuse me, what is "gravitzapa"?
Well, it's a thing without which
'Pepelatz' can only fly like this...
but with a gravitzapa... to any place
in the Universe... in 5 seconds.
But how do you guys drive your Pepelatz
out of the garage without a gravitzapa?
- That's not right.
- We did have a gravitzapa!
But when we landed here,
someone snatched it up.
- By any chance, do you have a teleportation machine?
- No. No.
- Give me the matches.
- Give us some water.
Like this! Do like this!
Do like this! Like this!
This is yours.
This is what you use for smoking now.
Thank you.
He says they have a gravitzapa.
- Put your matches here.
- Well, we'll do like this...
When you get us to Earth,
you'll get this, and this.
Hey!
Fiddler, let's go
into outer space...
Stop!
Give it back!
- Give it back!
- Only on Mother Earth.
Vladimir Nikolaevich!
You said, if we take you to the
city, you will give us all of them.
And now you stole a match from us!
A Patzak shall not cheat
another Patzak. That's not nice!
I said "to the city"!
- And what is this?
- It's a shed.
And what is this? and this?
and this here? How come it's not a city?
Hey, don't get testy!
Show us your gravitzapa
If it's a decent one, we'll take it.
Patzak!
Only fools would take
contraband ketze in front of witnesses,
when it means to be sentenced to Etsikh for life,
with nails! Do you have 'ku' for brains or what?
We'll buy it ourselves.
Let's go.
Stop! I said STOP!
Who are you?
I asked who are you?
- Alien construction foreman.
- No, you are a Patzak.
- And who are you?
- I'm Georgian.
No, you are also a Patzak.
You are a Patzak, you are a Patzak,
and he is a Patzak.
And I am a Chatlanian,
and they are Chatlanians.
So, put on your tzak, and stay
in the Pepelatz! Got it?
Oh, yeah?
My friend, look at me.
How does the Visatorrespond?
Do you see the light? What color?
Green, isn't it?
Now look at him. It's green.
And the same with you... green.
Now look at Uef. What color?
Orange, isn't it?
That's because he is a Chatlanian.
Do you read me?
- What?
- Pluke is a Chatlanian planet.
So, we Patzaks, must wear tzaks.
Yes! And before us, Chatlanians,
you have to do like this!
Vladimir Nikolaevich,
this is outrageous racism!
- Please, would you do it again?
- Like this!
- A bit slower, would you? Please.
- Like... this...
Vladimir Nikolaevich...
Back home you have a wife,
a son with problems at school,
an overdue mortgage payment.
Yet, here you are...
playing the fool.
This will end badly, my friend.
Take it.
- OK, Fiddler, we'll play their game.
- That's a boy!
Now, give a match to Uef.
He'll buy a gravitzapa.
- But he said he needed them all.
- I was joking.
Heh... You guys are so funny!
- Koo!
- Wait! Koo. We'll go together.
Don't show them any of your ketze.
Don't even think about them.
Just show them my ketze.
And don't give 'em more than half a match.
It's a fair price for a gravitzapa.
Your Patzak said
it costs a whole match.
Shhh! He was joking too.
Cement series 300, isn't it?
- Patzak! Remember... half or less.
- All right.
Excuse me, but what is "Chatlanian"
or "Patzak"? Ethnicity?
No.
- A biological factor?
- No.
- People from different planets?
- No.
So, in what way are they different?
Fiddler, are you color-blind or what?
Can't you tell green from orange? Tourist!
Hey!
A skyscraper!
Come on, let's go.
Koo!
Do as I taught you.
Hi, missy.
Must be chilly in that fur coat?
They won't let me in.
They want you alone.
Don't give them the ketze.
Bring the gravitzapa here. I'll check it.
Go!
Not allowed!
- We're together.
- Not allowed!
Vladimir Nikolaevich, tell him!
It's all right. Wait here.
Just don't go anywhere.
Hi.
How's life?
To squat, you say?
Well, out of respect
for the ladies present.
Well? What's new on Pluke?
Put a ketze here and
you'll get a gravitzapa.
- Only a half.
- A half.
- Can I have a look?
- Sure.
Actually I'm not an expert
in these gravitzapas.
Let's show it to my Chatlanian.
He'll check it.
Just a minute... to set up a "tzap"'.
A sore throat?
Water.
I have a proposition.
I'll give you the rest of this ketze
for 2 bottles of water. Deal?
Deal.
Do you have food?
Porridge.
What kind?
Plastic.
Look. I'll give you this whole ketze
for 5 bottles of water
and a kilo of porridge.
- What's this?
- Ketze.
- I'll have to check it again.
- As you wish.
Hey, hang on a sec!
Just wait.
Fiddler, how about you?
Can you get matches on Earth?
Yes, I can.
If you can spit further than me,
I'll give you half a chatle.
If I can spit further, then over there,
on Earth, you'll give me 2 matches.
- Deal?
- No way.
It's a simple game.
I bet half a chatle. You bet 3 matches.
- Here, kid. Spit.
- No, thanks.
Well, OK. You bet one match.
I bet 3 chatles and yellow pants.
And I'll give you a head-start
like this. Come on.
- No.
- Blue pants!
Mr. Uef, I'm not gonna do it
under any circumstances.
Is that your final answer?
Then stop fooling me around,
"Maimuna verishvilla"! [Monkey, son of an ass]
Mr. Uef! I represent a civilized planet
and demand that you watch your language!
That's that!
Where are they?
- Who?
- That one, with a scar.
I'm a moron. I gave him all the matches.
Guys, stop it. That's enough.
Enough? Enough of what?
I told him a thousand times that
we should fly to the Center.
But he is greedy... like all Chatlanians.
"Two chatles cheaper..." Ku!
Well, I have one left.
As far as I know, it's enough
for a gravitzapa, is't it?
Give it to me, please.
- What for?
- To buy a gravitzapa.
- Where?
- There, in the Center.
And how are you going to
get us to Mother Earth,
if you don't even know what
galaxy it's in?
We can get your planet
number, you fool,
in any planetarium
in the Center for 2 chatles!
Give me the match, okay?
So that you could
bury us in the sand?
- It means you won't give it?
- No.
- Is that your final answer?
- As final as can be.
Farewell then, my friend.
They will fly away,
Vladimir Nikolaevich
No, they won't. They would sell their
own mother for a couple of matches.
Either you give us the match now,
or we won't take you back to Earth
for less than 7 matchboxes!
Two thousand.
Three.
- Two and three hundred.
- Three.
Two thousand five hundred.
I can't give more.
Yes, you can, my friend.
Mr. Be,
I have 50 rubles.
Matches cost 2 kopeks per box.
So, I can buy 2m500 matchboxes.
Fiddler is holding out on us!
He's got more chatles.
Mr Uef, stop calling me "Fiddler".
My name is Gedevan Alexandrovich.
Is that the engine in there?
Stop poking your nose into every hole,
"Gedevan Alexandrovich".
Gedevan, how about we tie these two
scoundrels up and head north?
What for?
Maybe, there's the Mediterranean Sea
swashing and splashing over there.
Heh... Vladimir Nikolaevich,
are you crazy, my friend?
A sea? on Pluke?
All the seas were used up
long ago to make "luts".
Excuse me, to make what?
Fuel, Fiddler. Fuel.
Here. That would be 6,140 matchboxes.
How come it's so many already?
You stuff your faces with porridge.
You drink water. Plus the contraption.
Never mind the contraption, we don't
want it. Put it back.
Let's take it. We need to bring back some
technology, or no-one will believe us.
Then give them the violin,
if you like the contraption so much.
It's an Italian antique violin,
worth a thousand rubles, if not more.
How will I ever pay for it?
Fiddler! Instead of thinking that you
are "the first Georgian cosmonaut"
and that you "will get a Nobel prize",
why don't you return the spoon you
stole from the poor guys like us?
I wasn't thinking any of that.
I wanted to donate it to the Institute of
non-ferrous metals. Maybe, it's something new.
Heaven! Heaven knows, Fiddler,
you are a disgrace for all Patzaks.
I am very deeply saddened.
- Where are you going?
- To the toilet.
You can't take money to the toilet.
Leave the money here,
Gedevan Alexandrovich.
- Ketze, my dear fellow, is very expensive.
- Why?
Well, over there, on Earth,
how do you know
how many times who has to
squat and before whom?
We go by instinct!
Barbarians!
Look,
I've come to like you.
So, I'll teach you.
If I have "a little" ketze,
I have a right to wear yellow pants.
and Patzaks have to squat
before me not just once but twice.
If I have "a lot" of ketze,
I have a right to wear pink pants
and not only do Patzaks have
to squat before me twice
...but Chatlanians have to koo as well!
And Etsilops cannot
beat me up at night! Ever!
Um... I have a proposition.
You, my dear fellow,
give us the match now,
and later we will bring
you yellow pants. A deal?
Thanks, I already have a pair.
Maybe Fiddler needs some?
Fiddler! The aliens are
selling some pants here.
Yellow. Do you need any?
There is no Fiddler, my friend.
- Come again?
- I have got rid of him.
Don't worry, Vladimir Nikolaevich
We have another catapult. A new one.
That one was broken anyway.
I don't get it...
I pressed the kappa. He flew away.
Fiddler isn't needed.
He was a waste of fuel.
Turn back!
We can't.
We're out of luts. We have
to fly to the luts station.
Turn back! Or I'll burn this
damn ketze right here!
Gedevan!
Fiddler!
Fiddler!
- He couldn't just disappear!
- I told you... he got busted by Etsilops.
- Now let's fly, my friend.
- Death's too good for you!
Call the Etsilops on the radio!
We have no radio. We threw it away.
I'll come and check it!
An Etsilop!
Put on your tzak, quickly!
- Put on a tzak!
- Don't hold your breath.
Put it on! or he'll tranklukate
both you and the match!
How do you do?
Look, friend, we lost a guy
around here. Did you see him?
What?
Oh, sorry. I forgot.
So, did you pick him up?
I told you, Fiddler isn't needed.
I told you!
How are we supposed to buy luts now?
How?!
How?!
- You, my dear fellow, are a bastard!
- He is even worse. He's just a ku!
I have a suggestion.
We find Fiddler,
and then we go to the authorities.
Bring me some sand, please.
We'll tell them who we are
and where we are from.
They will give us a gravitzapa,
and we will...
make a mutually beneficial arrangement.
You will send us yellow pants,
and we will send you ketze
as much as you want.
To fly to the authorities
we need a gravitzapa!
The government is on another planet,
my dear friend.
Uncle Vova! I'm here! Here!
- Fiddler!
- What?
Where is my... whatchamacallit?
- Tzak?
- Yeah.
- I've got it.
- Well, give it to me.
- But what for?
- Just give it to me.
But there's nobody around.
- That one is mine.
- So, keep it handy!
- Are you asleep?
- No.
Don't lose heart, Fiddler.
If there is a gravitzapa
on this Pluke, we'll get it.
We've managed to get
even more difficult things!
Quiet!
Hey! Stop!
Hey, would you give
us a ride to the Center?
- Patzak! Stop there!
- What?
Don't come any closer.
- What do you want?
- Give us a ride to the Center!
Three chatles.
We have no money,
but we can work it off.
What can you do?
- Me? Anything!
- Be specific.
Vladimir Nikolaevich
is a builder! A foreman!
We'll build you a house!
And what can YOU do?
Me?
He can play the fiddle!
Play!
- Play.
- I can't!
Bye, Patzaks!
Hey! Missy! Wait!
I can play!
Do play!
Here?
There!
Wait! I'll adjust the sound.
Play!
And sing!
Okay, just a sec.
How does it go...?
Mommy, mommy, give me some advice.
Winter's coming with the frost and ice.
Wow!
What?
- I said 'Wow!'
- Heh... People like it.
- What?
- People like it!
No.
- I could drum.
- How's that?
Foreman!
Fiddler isn't needed.
It's okay. He won't be a drag.
- Come on, give us some water, huh?
- I said: 'after the performance'.
We might as well just take it...
by force.
Then you'd have to beg us.
Oh really! You touch me, and an Etsilop
will come and rip your legs off.
I don't give a damn about your Etsilop!
Easy there, Fiddler.
Don't provoke the lady.
Foreman!
Watch!
Okay, I get it. I get it.
Look, do you have a friend with
a gravitzapa and a Pepelatz?
What for?
If you could give us a ride to Earth,
we'd give you each a box of matches.
I get that no one believes in using words
here. Well, tell me what I'm thinking.
That your wife must be
calling the morgues now.
No. What am I thinking right now?
That you'll do it.
See? It's true!
Ha! What kind of fool would
ever think the truth on Pluke!
Absurd!
And since you say
what you don't think
and think what you don't think,
you all sit in cages!
And on the whole
all this bitter conflict
that I observe here...
together with Vladimir Nikolaevich...
Patzaks are to perform
in cages. So be it.
Stop showing off!
It's OK, darling. We'll be
singing here, right next to it.
Get in. He spotted us.
You'll get us all tranklukated.
- We are not animals.
- What?!
- Now you'll get in! Get in!
- Let go! Stop it!
Get in now,
or he'll melt us down!
Well, if you insist...
Fiddler, let's get in.
Go ahead.
One, two, three...
- Dance!
- Dance!
You know what?
Go find some other band! Dude!
What?!?!
I'll be back. Stay put!
We must get out of here.
Boys, give the cart a push.
It's uphill.
This, we'll do with pleasure.
Punch it!
Bye-bye! Losers!
I will tell everyone...
...where the planet is going
under this clown PG!
Patzaks have no damn respect
for Chatlanians!
Ku!
Well? Is everything in there?
She stole my cologne.
Women.
Let me...
What do you have in there? Bricks?
I'll carry it, Uncle Vova.
I don't even know
which way to look...
Where is Earth?
Galina Borisovna! Me and
comrade Mashkov, being Patzaks,
could earn only 2 chatles
for a show. And that's at best.
Water, luts, and fines to the Etsilops
cost a chatle a day... at least.
And a gravitzapa is worth half
a ketze! That's 2,200 chatles.
Divide by 365. Minus weekends.
Equals 6.
I simply couldn't get
back in less than 6 years.
Very well, Gedevan Alexandrovich,
but I only have your word for it.
Do you have any proof that
you indeed returned from Space?
Maybe, you simply sold the violin,
as Maestro Ragosin assume,
...and then spent some
quality time, out in the disco.
This is a mineral.
This is a chatle.
This is a tzak.
A metal nut and
a sample of sand
are included in the report
I handed in to the Dean's secretary.
So they could forward
it to the United Nations.
- Where?!
- The United Nations!
You are a grown man,
Gedevan Alexandrovich.
You studied here for a term,
and then disappeared for years.
Now you show up
with a pebble,
a piece of Georgian ceramics
and a little bell.
And you expect us to...
And by the way,
if you are so musical,
why weren't you in
our student orchestra?
Excuse me, Fiddler,
but this is elementary 'koo'!
END OF PART ONE
aj
PART TWO
CONCISE CHATLANIAN-PATZAK DICTIONARY
ketze - match(es)
tzak - nose bell
etsikh - container for prisoners
etsilop - law enforcement officer
pepelatz - spaceship
gravitzapa - pepelatz engine component
ku - socially acceptable swearword
koo - all other words
- Hi!
- Hello.
Long time no see!
Bye!
Hey! Hang on a sec.
I have a proposition.
What?
What?
What do we think about you?
Come on!
Read our minds.
Stop pestering us.
What do you want?
- Don't you have a conscience?
- And you?
We're poor, miserable, hungry performers!
Have we mistreated you?
Why do you keep harassing us?
Give me your gadget for a sec.
Tune it up.
Good. Let's go for it.
One, two, three...
Mommy, mommy, what is to be done?
Koo!
Mommy, mommy, winter is no fun.
I don't have a coat to get warm,
And no woollens for a snowstorm.
Shut up! You're tone-deaf.
Mommy, mommy, I cannot but grieve.
Mommy, mommy, how shall I live?
Uncle Vova, let's do it again!
- They love it!
- They know a good thing...
One, two...
Etsilop!
Hey, performers!
Where's our shipping cask?
- Pepelatz?
- Yes.
Over there.
- We've run out of luts.
- All because of you, you bastard!
Fiddler! Just what do you
think you're doing! Vandal!
Listen, just leave me alone...
My dear fellow...
This is a Last Breath, a grave,
a cemetery.
Checkmate!
- A "semi-pro", you say?
- He's just bragging.
That's not fair play! You are
scanning my brains to win.
If you had brains, you'd be studying in the
University instead of messing around here.
Let's play again. You bet the violin,
its container, and the tooth-stick.
And this here.
A deal?
Well, okay! You bet the Widget,
the Visator, and Mr. Uef's life-base.
- No objections.
- Let's play.
Uncle Vova!
It's "tzapa" you need to turn.
Tzapa!
- Here, you do it yourself!
- Nothing doing. I am Chatlanian.
Get outta here!
When you need advice,
a Chatlanian is around.
When you need work to be done,...
- Fool's mate!
- It's not fair play!
You deliberately didn't think
my moves over well enough!
Then use your own brains to play.
How can he use his own brains, when
he's never seen these figurines before.
- Not my problem. Give me my winnings.
- No way.
Uef, have you ever seen such a little Patzak
to be such a mercantile ku?
Never. I said that Fiddler wasn't
needed. Here's the result!
Hey! Chief!
And you said "tzapa"!
So, nobody sings in cages
there, on Earth?
Mr. Be, on Earth
only wild animals are kept in cages.
Are animals Chatlanians?
I don't know. It looks like that.
- Is Nightingale Patzak?
- Why Patzak?
You said he sings without a cage.
- Well, Patzak then.
- Ah! You see!
You've got the same serious racism.
Just like us... here, on Pluke.
Only, the power belongs not
to Chatlanians but to Patzaks...
like you and your friend Nightingale.
Let me do it.
Here, four gulps.
First... the young one.
That would be 6042 matchboxes.
Fiddler, write it down.
I did.
Want some?
No.
For free.
What do you think you're doing?
What about me?! me?! me?!
10 more matchboxes on me.
Go pump some more water.
Kin-Dza-Dza!
- A boat!
- It's not a boat.
- It's a luts station.
- Let's refuel!
- Not here!
- It's automatic. The next one is operated by a woman.
We'll give a performance.
She'll give us a discount. Got it?
Stop slacking, uncle Vova!
Let's move! Let's move! Come on!
If this used to be a sea, why
aren't there any seashells?
Do you still have seas on Earth?
We have seas, rivers,
and decent people, Mr. Uef.
Barbarians! I feel like crying!
Mommy, mommy, what is to be done?
Mommy, mommy, winter is no fun!
I don't have a coat to get warm
And no woollens for a snowstorm!
I wish my boss saw me now.
I'd get a pay rise!
Hush, Uncle Vova! The lady is watching us.
They took the woman away,
and put in a vending machine.
Buy as much as we can afford.
We'll fly part of the way at least.
Luts is not sold in parts. It costs
10 chatles apiece. But we have only 7.
- How far is the Center?
- 100 miles.
Uncle Vova, Uef has more chatles.
In his right boot.
Hey! Chatlanian!
What?
Take off your right boot.
What for?
C'mon! Koo! Koo!
- Koo-oo?!
- Ku! A pest!
Squat!
Why? They aren't Etsilops, are they?
It's PG and his Patzak!
If you don't squat...,
and they find it out...
that's "etsikh" with nails for life!
- But who is he?
- Shh!
- Oh! Was it a video?
- Huh... Holography, my friend!
The violin!
Easy! Stand still! Freeze!
And you said "koo!"
It's not a blimp, you moron!
It's the Last Breath of Mister PG.
Nonsense!
How could one man breathe out
so much air while dying? Absurd!
Don't you fear Heaven?
PG is alive, and I'm happy!
And I'm even happier!
There you go.
Okay, climb inside.
- Plastic?
- No.
Isn't there a conventional
entrance to this mall?
For the conventional entrance,
my dear, we'd have to pay in chatles.
- Come on, let's go.
- Get lost!
Fiddler! Patzaks go there.
- What are they doing?
- It's Mister PG's 4th Pump.
- I love PG very much.
- I koo him even more!
Here they make water out of luts.
- What are they shouting?
- They are selling.
- Selling what?
- Everything.
Let's buy a gravitzapa!
Gravitzapa is in
another department.
First we need to find
out Tenture of Earth.
Yellow pants... double koo!
Think! The diameter
of your planet's orbit.
I don't remember.
Fiddler, take over.
No! Fiddler isn't needed.
You do it!
Whatever.
Specific weight of your
planet's core. Think!
Specific weight?
No, I can't remember.
I see.
The names of other planets in your
galaxy, as many as you know. Think!
Jupiter, Mars, Saturn, Venus...
Hey! My image sensing crystal!
Where's my image sensing crystal? Huh?!
Fiddler! Put it back!
I thought it was a trifle,
just a piece of glass.
Shabby nitwit.
Enough. Stop rattling
your brains. Moron!
Here is your planet: 013 in Tenture,
just left of the Big Dipper.
If you wanna talk,
that's a chatle extra.
- Come again?
- Your phone number! Think!
And tell them about the matches.
Hello.
Hello. Speaking.
Speak into this thing.
Hello!
Hello, please, speak!
- Hello!
- Speak! Time is running!
Hello!
Lucy!
- Vovka?!
- Can you hear me? It's me!
Vovka! Where are you?!
I'm here... How are you there?
How's our son?
Where on Earth...
Where are you, Vovka?!
Well, I am here, at some place.
I will explain later.
Is Mom well?
Have you visited her?
- Yes, I have.
- And?!
I'm asking you: "Where are you?"
Listen, Patzak woman! Stop getting at him!
Go buy 2 boxes of ketze!
- Or we'll find him a younger one.
- Damn it!
Lucy! Lucy...
Lucy, my darling!
Lucy...
Lucy! Please, dial up Manokhin!
Tell him that the keys to the
fitting shop are in my trailer,
under the locker, on the floor.
Have you understood all?
Oh, yeah. I understood "all".
Please, dial Batumi 3-47-57
and ask for Alik.
No! Take a walk. Thief.
Is something wrong?
Huh?
Everything's fine.
Only Earth is very far away.
It'll take 7 minutes instead of 5
to warm up the engine.
So, let's go and prepare
the tzapa for the gravitzapa.
Hey, astronauts!
Which one is tzapa?
It is that one... the rusty nut,
my dear friend.
Everything is rusty here!
That one is the rustiest
What the hell! Are you nuts?
Oh-oh! My-my!
Lucy and Manokhin have "teleported!"
Big deal!
Uncle Vova!
The match was in the field cap!
Weird... Why would they leave?
Weird?! Now they have a match to buy a
gravitzapa and they know Tenture of Earth!
Comrade Etsilop!
Comrade Etsilop!
They stole from us!
Please, catch them!
Koo!
Catch them!
40 chatles.
No chatles!
The tour guide has got 'em all!
And the violin is also not theirs!
They didn't koo before the PG's image!
What are you staring at?
What the hell are you staring at?
I will tell your bosses that
you knew and took no action.
You'll be frickin' tranklukated!
Got it?
I did take action!
I pressed the 'kappa'
right away. Fiddler will confirm!
All units! There's a runaway.
A cask with castor wheels. Koo!
- There's nothing in there.
- Open it.
Let him see.
It's vinegar.
Mind your own business.
The Patzak will be tranklukated.
The Chatlanian will get etsikh for life, with nails.
Brothers! Brothers!
My dear fellow Patzaks!
Tell them the truth!
I was squatting!
It's this Chatlanian
who was pressing the kappa.
- Shut up!
- Uncle Vova!
- Shut up, parasite!
- "You" shut up!
Vovka, my friend!
- Gedevan Alexandrovich! Confrere!
- Don't listen to him!
Tell them it was him!
He was the one who did not squat!
- And I will present you with the Pepelatz!
- Uncle Vova, the Pepelatz is mine!
Calm down! Calm down...
Hang on a sec.
Nobody railed at anyone.
Everybody squatted like chimps.
I got confused.
And it was me who
brought the ketze here.
- What ketze?
- The match you took out of the field cap.
There was no match! None!
Uncle Vova! My dear fellow!
What's the matter with you?
Sorry, I forgot. There was no match.
None.
You both get "etsikh" for life,
without nails, until the penalty is paid.
The penalty is 500 chatles.
250 chatles per head.
Thank you!
Patzak, fix the violin and sing your songs!
Fiddler, tune up the Widget!
Guys, about the match...
It was a joke! Just for fun!
Bye-bye!
Across the river, across the river,
on the other river bank,
Koo!
...my Mary is... Uuuuh
Hello, Earthling!
"I am sure, one day you would
reach this planet as well."
"Greetings from Vladimir Nikolaevich
Mashkov, a builder from Moscow,"
"and Gedevan Alexidze from Batumi,"
"who were the first to set foot
onto these wretched sands"
"in this god-forsaken corner
of the Universe."
Brother Patzak, throw in some
more "ruberoid". The pottage is too thin.
Then give me something else.
"Maybe by this time, some people
who knew me are still alive."
"Please, tell them that
I did not steal the violin."
Look! As good as new.
Here is a small piece left.
That happens...
sometimes...
Rich in calories?
Earthlings! You really shouldn't
have pressed the keys like that!
It wasn't easy to track you down.
Thank God! The gadget has built-in memory.
Here's your socks. Thank you.
If you wish, I can teleport
you back to Earth.
I found out your Tenture number.
But hurry up! One second
here is half a year there.
Then I have a proposition.
We rush to Earth now,
get some matches, come back here,
sell them and buy our guys out.
- Then we go to Moscow, and you go home.
- I can't do that. The battery has charge only for 3 trips.
But that's perfect! Just enough
to go there, here and back again.
And what about me?!
Well, friend...
Make up your minds. Yes or no?
I'm counting to three. One...
- Wait.
- Two...
Well, put yourself in my shoes.
The guys are doing time because of me.
And my little son has a beard like
this by now! Two and a half...
- Two and a half!
- I... cannot do this.
Three.
Argh! Who needs all this stuff...
All these craps-tzaks,
all this trash!
And where did you get this? Huh?
Ugh... In the planetarium. It was
just lying around on a shelf.
Fiddler...
My little klepto...
You snatched up a gravitzapa!
Patzaks! Patzaks!
How come you sing here standing?
Standing is allowed only over there.
- An Etsilop didn't let us in there.
- Here you can sing only on your knees.
Thanks, we are fine as we are.
Come on, you can spare some coins!
Well, well, well...
Now behave yourselves.
Strangers in the koo...
Uncle Vova!
There comes your coat
with my fur cap on top.
Hi!
How's life?
What's new on Pluke?
Sing.
Well, we are in bad voice today.
Sing!
Vladimir Nikolaevich,...
- I can't stand this any longer.
- Easy now, Fiddler.
- What's this worth?
- One hundred.
Okay... Looks like
we have sung enough.
- And this one?
- Fifty.
Etsilop!
Patzaks!
Why aren't you wearing muzzles?
Turn around!
New order from Mister PG.
Now all Patzaks must wear
muzzles... and be happy!
Okay, "this" here is for me.
...and "this" is for you.
...and "this" one is for you.
Why aren't you happy?
Did you hear me? Huh?
Raise your tranklukator, Chatlanian!
Aah!
- Put it on!
- Yes, sir!
And be happy!
I am so happy!
Oh, look!
PG is over here!
Where?
Get up!
Get up!
Open your mouth!
Open wider!
Fiddler! Bring a gag!
Quickly!
[Swearing in Georgian]
Turn around!
And your nose!
Give us our money back!
Okay. Here, hold this.
...like this.
Take this off!
And if you think
it's not a tranklukator,
it will be the last frickin' thought
in your dumb Chatlanian head!
Show us the shortest way to the Etsikh.
Go!
Everybody down!
Stay put for half an hour!
- Move!
- Move!
Faster!
Excuse us, granny.
That was PG's Mother!
A video?
In the flesh!
Everybody!
Get in the washtub! Now!
Open the door!
And stay put the whole day!
Koo? or not koo?
Here it is.
- What number?
- The latest.
Well, hello there.
Hey! Chatlanian!
- Sing!
- Fiddler, stop it.
Roll out the the preceding one!
Get lost!
Hello,
Gedevan Alexandrovich.
['Hello' in Georgian]
Climb out.
- We can't.
- They'll catch us.
Stop!
We have a gravitzapa.
Ouch!
- Koo, Uncle Vova!
- Koo, koo.
Cut it through.
Right here.
- Koo!
- Push it out!
Uncle Vova! Please help
me roll the etsikh out!
- Leave it!
- Vladimir Nikolaevich!
Humankind worked for millenniums
just to get one rock from the Moon!
And here we have a live alien
and an etsikh...
...made of unknown metal!
I said... leave it!
- Tzapa.
- Yes, sir, tzapa.
- Tzapa!
- Press the tzapa!
- I did! I did!
- Are we flying already?
- Starting it up...
Let's hurry up, guys!
Before they come to their senses!
Don't get in the way!
- We've landed.
- Landed where?
On Hanut.
What's "Hanut"?
- The planet where I was born.
- Me too.
- It's night.
- Now it's always night here.
- Put this on.
- What for?
- There's no frickin' air here.
- So, how do you live here?
Nobody has lived here for years.
Plukians tranklukated the planet
while we were on tour.
Why?
- So that we didn't get them first.
- Why did you want to get them?
So that they weren't hovering over us!
- And all perished?
- Of course!
Vovka, I have a proposition.
- This planet now costs peanuts.
- 63 chatles.
We sing 'Mommy' around the galaxy for a month...
...and the planet is ours!
- Another month and we'll buy the air.
- 93 chatles.
Everyone who has no air
will rush straight here.
The air belongs to us.
They will crawl before us,
and we will spit on them.
What for?
- To derive enjoyment!
- How can anyone enjoy that?
Heh... He's just too young.
Half of the planet will be yours,
the other half... ours. A deal?
This is very tempting.
But, guys, we need to go back to Earth.
Hurry up, the grocery
closes in half an hour.
Vovka, relax.
Look!
We are here.
Earth is there.
- And this is Alpha.
- On Alpha they turn us into cactuses.
Earth, my dear fellow,
is in Anti-Tenture.
There is no way we can
get there. You see?
How's that?
That's how it is.
It's just my luck, really.
A Pepelatz cannot make it to Earth!
And stop blabbing!
Okay?
Let's go! We have
a planet to divide.
Did you learn about
this in the planetarium?
Yes, my friend.
That's why you stole the match?
- Of course!
- Uncle Vova, they are lying!
Don't believe them!
Take us to Earth, now!
No, Gedevan.
They are not lying.
They'd crawl across the Universe on their
stomachs for a chance to get some matches.
Vovka, it's a silly thing to do.
This air has only 2% oxygen.
Gedevan...
Don't do this, you are young.
You should live!
Maybe, things will change.
Fiddler isn't needed, Uncle Vova.
Hey, Patzak!
You'll kick the bucket
in a minute, so...
For once, tell the truth!
You could have let that guy
teleport you. Why didn't you?
What did you want?
Pink pants?
PG's swimming pool?
Tell us,
what did you want?
Gedevan! Dear friend!
You tell me.
You can trust me!
We are two of a kind.
My mother is Georgian.
Well, used to be...
[Both speaking in Georgian]
He says his mother used
to be a local Georgian.
Uef! You do what you want...
but I will take them to Alpha! Koo!
- Ku!
- And you, lousy Chatlanian,...
...put on a tzak! And squat
when you speak to a Patzak!
Hanut, my dear fellow,
is a Patzak planet!
Repeat it again.
You eject us onto Alpha while
trying to slow down in Alpha's orbit.
- To slow down... My foot!
- Don't interrupt!
Go on, my friend.
On Alpha, when they
transport us back to Earth,
we must hold on to the bottom of
the space-teleportation gadget.
In this way the gadget will be
teleported with us.
On Earth we must buy you
four bags full of matches.
Go on, my friend.
How many times do
we have to go over it?
Let's fly, shall we?
Because of you, I will
end up in a pot forever!
And you are too lazy
to open your mouth one more time!
Guys! Brothers!
My dear good friends!
Let's fly. Or, at least,
close the door.
I can't stand the sight
of you any longer.
I'm sick of it all.
So long, my friend.
We are flying!
Apply the brakes!
Brakes!
Brakes!
How am I supposed to apply the brakes
when you've drunk all our brake fluid! Alkie!
It can poison him.
- Turn off your antlers.
- They can't be turned off.
- Take them off then.
- They might break.
I think we've landed.
That's how it was the last time.
Okay...
Put on your gas mask.
- What about a tzak?
- We can do without.
Earth!
Across the river, across the river,
on the other river bank...
No.
This isn't Earth.
How do you do?
We are Patzaks from the planet Earth.
Who are you?
This is planet Alpha.
Tell Decont here,
your coordinates
and she will teleport you
back to the starting point.
Have a nice day.
Please, tell me your planet number.
013 in Tenture.
It is here... approximately...
Here it is.
- To the left of the Big Dipper.
- This is unnecessary.
Could you, please, hold your hands.
- Miss, what did you do with... them?
- They are in the 2nd Greenhouse now.
Could you, please, hold your hands.
- Do you really turn people into cactuses?
- Only those from Pluke.
They are not from Pluke!
They are from Hanut!
This is irrelevant.
Could you, please, put on
your breathing apparatus.
- But why? You have beautiful air!
- That is why.
- Heh...! Just look at her!
- Easy there. Just put it on, Gedevan.
On behalf of our planet, please...
Let them go.
Well, who can make this decision?
Abradox can. But...
Well, take us to him!
Do it, or I'll take off the mask
and begin breathing out!
You shouldn't worry.
Our greenhouses provide
the best environment.
Blossoming, microclimate,
peace and quiet!
Isn't it something to be desired?
Then, my dear, why are you
frolicking around on the grass
...instead of sitting in a pot?
Please, watch your step! You have
just broken a green shoot again.
Friend!
- Can we ask you a favor?
- No need to continue.
It's a 'no'.
Our proximity to the
Kin-Dza-Dza galaxy...
...is our misfortune. They are
plagued by yearnings and desires.
Vile desires!
Transformation into
a plant life-form...
...is for their own good.
And for everyone else's!
Maybe we should bring them here and
let them decide what is good for them?
Oh, if we gave that sort of beings an
opportunity to decide about anything...
Miss, are you the smartest here!
Did somebody tell you that? Or
did you figure it out on your own?
Let's not waste time.
You are creatures from Anti-Tenture.
That means I have an obligation
to teleport you...
...to the starting
point of your journey.
Or, we can send you back in time...
...to the moment when you
could decide your own fate.
- The choice is yours.
- Sorry, I don't get it. Back in time?
To the past. Back to Pluke.
Um... Can you send one of us to Earth
and the other one to the past?
Vladimir Nikolaevich,
I won't let you go
back to Pluke alone.
Okay, dude...
Back in time!
How long was I fixing the
violin? 50 minutes or so?
About 50.
Brother Patzak...
A guy with socks will be here soon.
Tell him to follow us to the Etsikh.
- Do you know where it is?
- Sure.
- So, you will show him.
- Pay me some more then.
Everybody have a rest
for half an hour!
Thank you, brothers.
Carry on, boys. Carry on.
Fiddler! Hurry up!
You didn't go home!
Again! You pest...
- Yes. Climb out!
- Not for love or money!
It's better here than on Alpha.
Come on, pull them out.
We'll have a space-transportation
gadget in a minute.
Vladimir Nikolaevich!
You owe us 11,000 boxes.
Fiddler has it written down!
11,020.
I have a proposition.
Vovka...
We get teleported together
...right into the grocery.
- We buy everything and then...
- There will be no "then"
We all stay on Earth.
Forever?!
Forever.
Me, on the planet where they don't know
who has to squat before whom? Nonsense!
- Give us the gravitzapa and that's it!
- Uncle Uef, Uncle Be!
- You will be so welcome there!
- No, comrade!
A society without the
color differentiation of pants...
...is a society without purpose!
And without a purpose...
Guys, enough with the philosophy.
He's going to appear soon.
Make up your minds.
Are you going with us?
Just give us the
gravitzapa. Okay?
Give it to them.
It's a pity!
So...
We should say our farewells.
I kind of got used to you.
Me too.
Well... Take care!
Friends! Patzaks!
Here's your socks. Thank you.
And if you wish...
Friend!
What's the type of your gadget?
Might I take a look?
A regular type.
Press the key...
and you're back home.
Hi.
Hi. Anything new?
Pipes sprang a leak at
the construction site.
Mommy, mommy, give me some advice.
Winter's coming with the frost and ice.
You don't have a warm and pretty shawl.
And no fur coat do I have at all.
- How's our "A-grade" student?
- He's out with friends.
Vovka! Go buy some bread. I forgot.
Oh, and fetch some noodles too.
Comrade! How could I get
to Old Arbat Street?
- Turn right over there.
- Thank you.
Fiddler?
Uncle Vova?
Fiddler!
Uncle Vova!
Mommy, mommy, give me some advice...
The End