Killer Raccoons 2: Dark Christmas in the Dark (2019) - full transcript
One.
Two.
Smallwood!
You're free to go!
Merry Christmas,
ya filthy animal.
Mr. Secretary,
Merry Christmas!
Tom! Great to see you.
Well, I wouldn't
miss this for the world.
Well, this is gonna be a fantastic
holiday bonus for our military.
Access to PEN15 will
be granted in ten, nine, eight...
Okay folks, let's get it
started in here!
Agent Woman, Agent Charlesworth,
let s relay the shriek command codes!
Agent Woman, administer
the voice modulation masks.
One.
Agent Charlesworth,
we have access.
Ha-ha!
Nice!
Thank you, Houston.
We'll take it from here.
Hot dog,
Christmas has come early!
Let's see what
those little furballs can do.
I'm sending command shrieks
to the space thingy now,
Mr. Secretary.
They're accessing the space
thingy's visual optics.
Oh, they
found something!
Tammy!
Oh, tell them
to try image enhancing!
Oh, titties!
Boobies!
Breasteseseses.
That is sophomoric.
And tasteless.
Those nerds at the NSA
probably think
this is Santa's sleigh!
If they only knew!
The optics are phenomenal,
just think what the laser
capabilities might be.
This might be the best weapon
the U.S. military
has ever had ever!
Chester, I gotta
hand it to ya, man.
This raccoon weapons
program is incredible!
From spraying raccoon feces
all over the Middle East
to developing one of the most
uncrackable satellite
codes in human history.
Even the Chinese
can't figure it out!
Great job, man!
Congress is gonna
be so pissed
when they find out
who is paying for this.
Hey, guys, can I
get a little credit here?
I mean,
ten years ago,
the raccoons slaughtered
fifteen campers here in town.
If I didn't cover
the whole thing up
and ship the raccoons off to the
military, we wouldn't be here today.
I only wish my colleagues
from that summer had survived,
I heard their
bodies were never found.
They were all ripped
to shreds by raccoons.
You know, it's funny
you would mention that,
cause just last week,
we had a break-in
at the Raccoon Creek
weapons facility.
We got a few things missing,
like some raccoons
and some gear
and I don't know
who the heck would take it,
'cause what are they
going to do with it?
There was a note left behind,
it said, "Shitsnakes."
Strange I've heard
that before.
Yeah, you know that was something
Ranger Rick Danger used to say.
He was a boozehound
park ranger
I hired ten years ago.
Nobody knows what it meant.
Shitsnakes?
That's not a thing.
Like, snakes
covered in shit?
Well, nobody
really knows.
Besides, Ranger
Danger is long gone,
you guys did
a phenomenal job,
have a great holiday,
thanks so much.
Thank you, sir.
Thank you, Mr. Mayor.
I mean, Mr. Secretary
You're welcome.
Just call me sir the way she does.
Yes, sir.
Merry Christmas, Mr. Secretary!
Agent Woman,
could I talk to you for a second?
- Mm-hmm.
- Sorry, Chester.
Of course.
Have a great holiday.
Listen,
I don't know if you're staying
in town for the holidays,
but I have a cabin
in the woods
and I would love it
if you would join me.
As flattered as I am by the
offer, sir, my plans are to make
the next train to Washington
to meet my... family.
Ha-ha! Well, no matter,
I'm married anyway.
Listen, like
the secretary said,
you did a great job today!
Thank you, sir.
But I don't need
a man to tell me that.
Hoo-hoo,
feminism is hot, ha-ha!
Come on, Aunt Sally's
mittens, where is he?
O-M-G! Ty! Ty Smallwood!
Shane! How are ya, man?
Hey, what's
with the cross?
Oh, I'm a Christian now!
Isn't that great?
I went to conversion therapy.
The only thing
I'm gay for now is Jesus,
and he's the reason for the
season, am I right?
Hey, I love that mustache.
Oh, thanks.
But don't call me Ty anymore.
I changed my name.
I couldn't stand being
made fun of in prison.
Oh, right. Smallwood could
be perceived as "small penis."
Makes sense.
So from now on, call me Casey.
Casey Smallwood.
I got this place after I got
out of conversion therapy.
Business boomed when
the mayor of Independence
became the Secretary
of Defense.
Lot of military families
coming through.
It's been really
good for business.
Wait, the mayor?
That dick who put me in jail for
ten years for underage drinking?
He put Al Jazeera
in Guantanamo!
We don't even know
if Al's alive.
Ty... Casey, a lot's changed
in the last ten years
since you've been gone.
The mayor's done a lot of
good since he's gotten to D.C.
So he's a hero now, huh?
What'd he do for you?
He got me
the conversion therapy.
I'm not living that sinful,
disgusting life anymore.
Speaking of,
we have a Christmas
swingers party
going on tonight.
You're more than
welcome to hang out,
stay as long as you like.
Well, that's nice
of you, Shane,
but Imma try to see
my family on the East Coast.
I'm actually supposed
to meet up with this girl
I've been in touch with,
and take the next train to D.C.
What?
Who is this girl, how long
you been in touch with her
and will you be
touching her a lot more?
She's the sister of the dead
girl that I lost my virginity to
ten years ago,
who was mauled by raccoons.
Her name's Darlene.
We struck up a penpal-ship
while I was in the joint.
She wants to know the truth
about what
happened to her sister.
I'm not gonna lie, Shane.
That summer really
fucked me up.
It's almost as if I'm
a totally different person now.
Yeah, it's pretty obvious.
Look, Casey,
Raccoon Creek Campground
doesn't exist anymore.
It's a top secret
military facility.
There hasn't been
a raccoon attack in ten years.
Anybody who knows about
that attack, they keep quiet.
You'd be smart
to do the same thing.
If this whole mystery train ride with
your dead lover's sister doesn't pan out,
make sure to hit me up
on social media.
Thanks, Shane.
But I think I need to get
the fuck out of this town.
And above all
I never want to see
another raccoon again.
Now
boarding the 9:11 train to D.C.
Never forget that the 9:11
train is now boarding.
How could anyone
forget that the 9:11 train is now boarding?
No one should ever
forget about the 9:11 train.
Well, you'd be surprised about
how many people
forget about the 9:11 train.
It's like no one remembers anything
about the 9:11 train anymore.
Well, that's because these days,
there's still
a lot of questions
about what really
happened to the 9:11 train.
You're
going to bring up your doubts
about what happened
to the 9:11 train again?
I'm just
saying it's okay to ask questions
about what our
government really knew
about the 9:11 train
and when they knew it!
Oh, my God.
We're not arguing about what
happened to the 9:11 train.
Hey!
I have a lot of questions...
Hi, there.
Has a woman named Darlene Bean
picked up her tickets yet?
Hey, are you Casey?
I'm Darlene.
Janine's sister.
Wow, I can tell
You look just like her.
It's, it's uncanny, not to be
weird or anything, but,
I made this for you
Hey, I hate to interrupt this
really awkward moment,
but did you guys want
to pick up your tickets or...
Yeah, there should be two
tickets under my name, Smallwood.
You didn't have to buy
both of our tickets.
It's not a problem.
It's amazing how much
money you save
when you have
no place to spend it.
Okay. Uh, two tickets
for Ty Smallwood.
Actually changed my name,
it's Casey now.
Casey Smallwood.
Well, your last name still
means "small penis" though.
Last call
for the 9:11 train to D.C., last call!
And no, we're not
arguing about it anymore.
So uh, how's
your family doing?
Uh, fine,
I guess.
I mean, as good as you can be
when a member of your family
mysteriously dies
at a campground.
Nobody ever really told us
exactly how or why she died.
Yeah, I wanted to talk
to you about that.
Actually, I...
I made you this Christmas present
to get the conversation started
That's an
interesting necklace.
Yeah, killed that raccoon
myself ten years ago.
Wait, seriously?
You killed an innocent raccoon?
Casey, you know I'm a big
animal rights activist.
I've written to you
about it a lot.
I-I mean, I know that!
This was a bad one.
It's actually part of the
story about your sister.
Jesus, dude.
Well, it's a good
thing we've got
a long ass train ride
ahead of us.
Let's go.
Looks like I've bitten off
more than I can choo-choo.
Oh, wow! How's it going there,
young lady?
Oh, okay, well.
Hey, where ya going?
Come on,
I'm the train's photographer!
So what are you, uh,
traveling with your
boyfriend or something?
Or going dolo?
She's traveling
with me.
Sorry.
Hey, you look really
familiar. Have we met?
I don't think so.
I just got
out of prison.
You?
I was in jail for a bit
about ten years ago
I don' t think
I know you from there.
Look, sorry, man.
Hope you have a good trip.
And so,
as the holiday train
boards up again
this Christmas Eve
on its way to our
nation's capital,
the folks on board are prepared
for some unannounced guests,
perhaps even
Santa Claus himself.
For Network News,
I'm Dick Weener.
Did we get it? Good.
I'm getting the fuck
out of here.
This place gives me
the creeps!
I've been the biggest
name in the local news
for ten years now
and it's time to move on.
The Secretary of Defense
says once I get this
spokesman job
at the Pentagon,
I don't need
you plebeians anymore!
Happy holidays,
you sad sacks!
The NSA
tracks Santa on Christmas Eve,
but who else
are they tracking?
- I don t trust them one bit.
- Well, hello, Agent Woman.
Looks like Santa got me
a little present this year.
Hello, Agent Charlesworth
Care for a vod-sode?
A vod what?
A vod-sode. Vodka soda.
It has the highest
alcohol content
and the lowest
amount of calories.
Hey! Hey, man!
That's rape culture.
Did you even wash your hands?
What? Of course
I washed my hands.
I always wash my hands.
- Okay. Then strip for me.
- What?
Strip for me, you big
hairy man. Strip!
Okay!
There is no more freedom,
there is no more
personal freedom.
If Jesus Christ
were president,
something like this
would never happen!
All right, boys.
Let's go to work.
First it was flu
shots at Christmas, what else is next?
I'm gonna ask if you have
any nines or elevens?
Well, I'm gonna go
ahead tell ya to go fish!
Dang nab it.
They're trying to control...
You hear something?
Merry Christmas?
All right, boys.
We got ten minutes.
Hey, there. Could you tell me what
that girl over there is drinking?
I'd like to have the
same thing to be social.
It's just that I haven't
had a drink in ten years.
I just got out of prison.
For underage drinking.
Are you a murderer?
What? No!
Oh, Phew. Okay.
I have to ask.
We get a lot of felons on here
from that jail in Independence.
Your friend is drinking
a vod-sode.
A what?
A vod-sode.
Vodka soda.
It's the highest
alcohol content
with the lowest
amount of calories.
Let me go see
if I can do this.
I'll be back.
Yo, Casey.
Wanna join me
for a drink?
Yeah.
Hey, your sister,
she used to call me Ty,
because that
was my real name.
But then, I changed
my name to Casey,
and you've been
calling me that,
which has been nice.
But I guess if you want to,
you could call me Ty,
just like your dead sister did.
I don't want
to call you Ty, Casey.
And I don't just want
to keep hearing about
your relationship
with my dead sister.
I'd love to know
why she died,
if you know
anything about that.
Yeah, I'm sorry.
- It's just...
- It's just what?
Are you going to tell me
what happened to her,
or do you even know?
I mean, was it
your fault or something?
I loved your sister.
I didn't know
she was going to die!
My best friend
died that summer,
and so did a lot
of other people.
And I tried to stop it!
Yeah, well, you did
a great fucking job.
If at any point you'd
like to tell me exactly
what happened to my dead sister,
that would be great.
Maybe I do need
that vod-sode.
Hey, Shelley What was
in that vod-sode again?
Well, it's like, vodka,
but like, also soda.
Great, I'll take one.
Hey, Casey, I'm sorry I
lashed out at you earlier.
It's just...
You were with my
sister that summer
and I just really need
to know how she died.
There's so much information
my family and I never got
and if you know anything
about what happened,
I'd just like to pick up our pen
pal relationship and figure it out.
Of course.
And I promise,
by the end of this trip,
you'll know how
your dead sister died.
Thanks. I'm gonna
go take a jog,
but later we can
have some drinks and talk.
Let's go, boys.
Oh, hey, look,
don't get your psycho
ex-con boyfriend
to beat me up, all right?
I was just trying
to make conversation.
He's not my boyfriend.
Oh, now we're talking.
Look, don t bring rape culture
with you to work, okay?
And if you even try
to touch me, I'll beat you up.
Look, I don't
know about that.
I've been doing
a lot of this lately.
Oh, wow.
Well, why don't you go ahead
and try and touch me then?
Wait, what?
Go ahead. Touch me.
All right, I mean I guess
that's consent, so...
Ow! An electric shock
I can't fuck with!
Oh, come on!
Oh, God, I can't breathe.
I can't breathe!
Come on.
Where'd you learn that from?
The NYPD?
Ten years ago my sister and I
took a self-defense class.
Then she died on some
camping trip in Independence,
so I kept training to make sure
nothing ever happened to me.
Well, I'm really sorry
to hear that,
but I'm pretty sure
you don't have to worry
about getting killed
on this train.
Yeah, well,
I certainly hope not.
Hey, wait.
You said your sister was killed
on a camping trip in Independence?
Yeah?
I was there around
ten years ago, too.
I think I remember your friend,
but I can't be sure.
Yeah, well,
I'm not sure either.
Oh!
Oh, goddamn.
Hang in there fellas!
You want paper
or something?
No, thank you.
I'm just jotting down
a few notes.
Maybe I'll turn it into
a screenplay or something.
Oh, really? What about?
Just about when
I lost my virginity
and the girl I lost it to
was devoured by raccoons,
and then a whole
bunch of other people
were killed by raccoons, too
Including my best friend,
at a summer camp.
And then I was imprisoned for ten
years for underage consumption.
Okay.
First of all, that sounds
like a fucking shitty movie.
Second of all,
do you want some
nuts with your drink?
Or are you
already there?
No, I'm actually
allergic to nuts.
Shit, you better
get to the kitchen
and let the cooks know before
they start cooking dinner.
Almost all our food has nuts.
Hold on a second, hold on.
So you trying to tell me
that you're allergic to nuts?
And you want me
to take all the nuts
out of all the food
in the whole kitchen?
I mean, yeah,
If that's possible.
I just got out of jail and
I'd be happy to eat anything.
It just can't have nuts.
Yeah, sure!
If I just got out of prison,
I'd be sick of eating nuts, too!
Hurry, boys!
Train's a-comin!
Listen, I don t know how they do
it in jail, but I can't change
the menu of
an entire train car
just cause one jerk off's
got a nut allergy!
I mean, do you have
anything without nuts?
Yeah, actually.
No problem. I actually,
I got a new recipe for ya,
it's called, uh,
your momma's
fucking pussy juices!
You jail idiot!
What the hell
is going on?
Whoa, man!
Must have hit
the old rough tracks!
Seems like we're in for
a dark Christmas in the dark!
What the heck
is this?
I don't know!
He don't look like one of our boys.
Hey, what's going on here?
Garbage train
ran off the tracks.
Lots of people got
buried in the trash
Went home to the Lord.
What? There weren't
no garbage trains
coming through here.
Where are all the bodies?
Here!
Whoa, whoa, whoa, people!
Can't you see this
violence is poisoning
our children's minds!
God has given
us the engine.
All right, boys,
we have four minutes and twenty seconds.
Let's move!
Everybody to the back
of the train! On the double!
Don't make me
ask twice!
Gotta tweet!
Must tweet!
Gah! Ah! I have to tweet!
You gonna post this
on the Internet, newsman?
Get the hell out of here!
Everybody play it smart and put
the smart phones in the bag.
- Help!
- Help.
Merry Christmas!
Ho, ho!
Holy shit!
What the hell?
Looks like we got too
many cooks in the kitchen.
Get on it.
How the heck
did you do that?
And what was that thing?
It was a raccoon.
And this is
just the beginning.
Get down!
Looks like too many
chefs spoiled the soup.
We're all clear here.
Ranger Danger!
Merry Christmas.
Got ya a little present.
All right, let's move!
All aboard for the Lord.
Instead of Santa Claus coming
- down the chimney to give you gifts
- What the...
It's the government
busting down your door to take your kids!
Ladies and gentlemen,
wake up!
How can the same shit
happen to the same guy twice?
At least this time I know I bit
off something I can choo-choo.
Oh, my God.
Ranger Rick Danger!
Merry Christmas,
Agent Chunksworth.
Looks like you've just seen
the ghost of Christmas Past.
Or should I say,
summers past?
Shitsnakes, huh?
Agent Charlesworth.
Jones!
Looks like you've got yourself a
little bit of a raccoon problem.
Make yourselves comfortable
You want some music?
You guys like bands, right?
They said you were dead, Danger.
In fact, they said
you all were dead.
As any good scientist knows,
if no one sees a dead body,
then no one knows
if that body is dead for real.
Isn't that what
happened to you, too?
Now don't get me wrong,
we all got the shit
scratched out of us.
But it wasn't nothing
we couldn't handle.
We're not a bunch
of pussy college kids!
I think it's great you got
so rich and successful
training raccoons for the
military, but I guess you forgot
there were a few more of us who
knew the secrets of the campground.
I get to tell you
that we know all about
the secret satellite operated
by raccoons and that we want you
to give us the shriek command
codes so we can steal it!
What? How did you know?
You military guys
gotta stop leaving your secret
blueprints and files everywhere.
You never know who's gonna get
their dirty lil' paws on 'em
Looks like they're
all set up, Danger.
Great! Hold on just a second.
Merry Christmas Eve, folks.
This is your main bad guy,
Ranger Rick Danger speaking.
Welcome aboard
the Holiday Express.
Or as I like to call it,
Raccoon Railways.
We will only
be making express stops
and by express stops,
I mean one.
Ranger Rick Danger?
You've been loaded
onto the back of this train
for your own safety
and have probably noticed
the adorable,
but highly-deadly raccoons
with tiny wittle machine guns!
If you do anything
they don't like,
they are ready,
willing and able
to pull those
tiny triggers and kill ya!
These little furballs
are government trained killers
and we're all
here for revenge.
Revenge, huh?
Two can play
at that game.
Now, how about those shriek
command codes for PEN15?
We'll never give you the shriek
command codes, Danger!
And even if we did,
how are you going
to translate them
into raccoon sounds
without the voice
modulation masks?
All those are locked away
deep in a...
In a secret bunker just
outside Independence?
We know all about it,
Chumplesjunk.
Now, we know you'll do
whatever it takes
to keep us from scooping out
the love of your life's
cute lil' eyeball here
with this hot spoon.
Now while this spoon
appears to be harmless,
it's actually really super-hot!
And when we stick it
up to your lady's face,
it's gonna hurt!
And then when
we scoop out her eye,
she won't have
no eye anymore!
Now won't that be fucked up?
A-B-C.
One, two, three.
Don't worry my love,
he can't do anything
with the shriek command codes
without the voice
modulation masks.
Oh, really? Then why
is he doing all of this?
God, you are such
a dumb set of dick and balls!
He doesn't even have a way
to get the codes
to the PEN15 satellite.
They need to be entered into the bunker's
transcoding system simultaneously.
For God's sake, Woman!
Give him your code!
E-I-E-I-O.
Man, those are some
dumb codes!
Yep, we've known
all about your secret raccoon
space program
for some time now.
Wasn't too hard to figure out.
We even stole some of your
really cool satellite shit, too.
That satellite's a smaller version
of the one you have in the bunker,
and as long as we're on this
train, it'll work just fine.
So what are you
doing now, prick?
Oh, I'm just hacking
into the U.S. military's
top secret
raccoon-controlled satellite.
Ha! That's not possible.
Oh, no?
Skippy! Pippy!
You taught them English?
You gave them names?
.Yeah, it wasn't hard!
.And here we go!
Shitsnakes.
Oh, baby, we're in!
Daddy'd be so proud of me.
Oh, I forgot all about them.
Well, they've done
a lot of hard work today.
We'll let them go home
for the holidays.
- But you said...
- Move it, Chester!
Jones, Billington, please!
You don't realize
what you're doing!
We used to be colleagues!
We used to fight
these raccoons together!
Those were the days
before you sold out!
Oh, I'm dead for real now.
Right this way, m'lady!
Don't call me your lady.
That's the language
of the patriarchy!
Would saying
"ladies first" be sexist?
Yes, it would!
Okay, great
Ladies first!
Jesus!
While the rest of the world
was going digital,
we made the PEN15
work for us by analog.
You can put a bunch of
shriek command codes on here,
or just a bunch
of raccoon porn.
With all the satellite's
operating data
stored on this VHS tape,
no one can hack into our system.
Unless they've got
two VCRs,
which is pretty fucking rare.
Oh, boy!
Looks like we got
some shriek command codes
to blow some shit up!
Okay, Danger.
Ticklesturd and the woman
are both dead for real,
got the hostages in
the back of the train.
We better make
sure these little fellas
have it under control.
I don't want any boo-boos.
Okay, boys and girls.
Let's get it started in here!
What the freak is going on?
PEN15 missing!
PEN15 can't be found!
Tammy, get me
a freaking report!
The space
thingy's gone bye-bye!
What do you mean?
What bye-bye?
PEN15!
Bring it up on the screen.
We can't! It's like somebody
stole it or something!
Oh, goddamnit! We were
almost out of here for the holidays!
Okay, here's
what we do.
We're going to go
to Code Crazy status,
we re gonna call Tom Puncher,
Agent Charlesworth
and Agent Woman
as soon as possible.
Yes, sir!
Mr. Jones, Dr. Billington
The military's top secret raccoon-controlled
satellite belongs to us now.
Oh, God!
Come on, get in there!
Oh, man! I thought
you were one of those
ugly beavers man,
with the guns!
What are you doing
out there?
Oh, you know...
...just hanging out.
- What's behind that door?
- No, wait, wait!
There's a bunch of those rodents out
there, man! Don t open it!
What, are you trying to
become otter food or something?
They're not otters,
they're not beavers.
They're raccoons.
And they're smart ones.
Hold on.
How do you know that?
Story of my life.
Do we have all our rich foreign
clients online yet, Mr. Jones?
Yep! We got Iran, Russia
and North Korea now on the line.
Gentlemen, how are ya?
Riding camels,
drinking vodka and me so horny?
No, but seriously folks,
I'm going to show you what the U.S.
military's been hiding from ya.
I know many of you have a hard
time understanding the concept
of a high-powered,
raccoon-operated satellite
and let's face it,
who the fuck can blame ya?
But do me a favor and keep a
close eye on the city of Cannes
for the next few minutes.
What the hell is going on?
Oh, hey there Tom.
Nothing.
We're locked out of the system
for the moment.
I thought we
were the system!
Anything from Agent Charlesworth
or Agent Woman yet?
Negative, sir.
Now this is
where it gets fun.
Jones, you ever been to France?
Nah, I always heard it was
a bunch of liberal pussies!
Well, you wouldn't be wrong,
but it's also full of a bunch of
wine-addicted people
who are gonna have to
get a whole lot drunker
this Christmas
when their prize film city
gets blown away
with a raccoon operated
laser satellite!
Look, man,
I can't die here, okay?
I'm sick and tired of
these motherfucking coons
on this motherfucking train!
You mean raccoons, right?
Of course!
What else would I mean?
Double A! You're not
going to die on this train!
Trust me, I was once like you.
I lost the girl I loved and my
best friend to these raccoons,
but I grew up,
I fought back and I won.
And if I can do it,
you can, too.
Now, is there some way
to contact the outside world
on this train?
Like a pay phone?
Uh, pay phone? You know we could
just try to get my smart phone.
I mean,
they took everything else,
but mine's in my bag
in the passenger car.
I'm sorry,
a what phone?
A smart phone?
I mean, it's one of the most important
pieces of technology in the last ten years?
Oh, right
You've been in jail
the last ten years.
Now watch this, Jones.
I'm about to turn Cannes into
"Can't be found on the map!"
Because it's about
to drop into the sea.
Yeah, I got it.
That's a good one.
Skippy! Pippy! Do it!
There it is!
We got it back!
Oh, thank Christ.
I'm going back
to the whorehouse.
What the freak?
Okay, so after I'm able
to use the tiny keyboard
on the "smart phone," I'll be
able to find social media?
Yeah, man. But look, never try to type
while driving. You know what I'm saying?
That's partly why I hit a
raccoon ten years ago with my car
- and ended up in jail!
- Wait a minute
We do know each other!
I got arrested that same
night in Independence!
Oh, my God.
You hit the momma raccoon
that night and saved us.
You do know
how to fight these raccoons.
But this time,
we're not going to jail for it.
This time,
we're gonna win.
Destroyed buildings,
burning baguettes,
thousands of rolls
of film on fire.
France is about to look
like a World War II movie.
It's processing
the shriek command codes!
I can't make it
go offey!
My God, they're
targeting Cannes!
It's going
into arming mode!
Shut it off,
goddammit!
They left me for dead,
threw me to the raccoons,
said I couldn't fill
my daddy's shoes!
They're activating a
full scale seismic blast!
Freaking shut it down!
The abort shriek commands
aren't going through!
No one's gonna laugh at the name
Ranger Rick Danger this year,
or ever again!
Shitsnakes?
What does that even mean?
That's something Ranger
Rick Danger used to say.
Call General Apathy at the
Pentagon as soon as possible.
Actually, General Apathy is in
Independence this weekend.
He was here
for the holidays.
Tell him Santa Claus
is stuck in a freaking chimney.
Now, gentlemen, as you can see,
our high powered,
raccoon-operated
satellite is fully operational.
Now that was just a
little present for Christmas Eve.
Our big old gift
under a Christmas tree
is called the Denver
International Airport,
where the U.S. government built
a top secret military bunker
that they won't even
tell their citizens about!
With the PEN15,
we can take out the bunker,
split the Rocky Mountains in two and
divide the United States forever.
The fee for this
convenient empire removal?
One gazillion dollars!
One gazillion dollars?
I just, I just made up
a number, I...
Ah, shit.
What the hell is all this?
I don't know, General.
And I bet Congress
doesn't know either.
Generals! Thanks
so much for coming.
Uh, and happy holidays.
Shut up, Mr. Secretary.
What's really going
on around here?
And don't tell
me it's one of those
food stamp phone
bank deals either.
That's a funny one, sir.
Okay, bring up
the data images.
So, sir, what we're looking at
up here is PEN15,
a brand new, recently
launched laser satellite
that's part of our
raccoon weapons program.
It's operated by raccoons
and can only be communicated
with via raccoon sounds.
I've seen bigger, but what
the hell does this thing do?
It's fancy
Pentagon speech, General.
It's one of those
Tesla earthquake machines.
I thought they canned it,
but those clowns got funding through
the Secretary's dumb raccoon program.
I thought we shut that down!
The CIA financed the project.
What? You're telling me
that your raccoon weapons
program went into space?
So, General,
here's the problem.
The raccoons at the moment are being controlled
by somebody else and we can't stop it.
My God. The earthquake
that hit Cannes?
We already have a disinformation
campaign in full swing, General.
We're blaming it
on fracking.
Fracking? What
the frack is fracking?
I guess that's what we should
expect from the CIA these days!
Okay, we are now going
into Code Lunacy status, folks.
So let's find this
raccoon satellite now!
Jesus, this keyboard
is tiny.
Did someone leave
a smartphone on back there?
Why don't you furballs go
in there and it check out!
Oh, I should
probably be careful
wearing a hoodie
around here.
Say there Billy boy,
will you go check on
the lil' guy I sent
back to the sleeping car?
He might need
a lil' human help.
Sure thing.
Okay, Danger, looks like they're
ready to call the bunker.
Fuck, yeah! Time to say Merry
Christmas to the Mayor, boys.
Oh, man! Where'd you get
that tiny machine gun?
From a little friend.
Did you find
any weapons?
Naw, man, I just found
this hoodie and a sandwich.
And I ate the sandwich.
Hey, any luck
with my smartphone?
It wasn't easy, but if I was
able to use that tiny keyboard
then you can use
this tiny machine gun.
Hold it like that
You might need to pull the
trigger with your pinky finger.
Aw, come on, man,
my fingers aren't that chubby.
Something's afoot!
What's up?
How are you?
Now, who the hell
is that?
My God, that's
Ranger Rick Danger!
Well, technically not a Ranger
anymore, Mr. Mayor,
or should I say Mr. Secretary,
since you fired me ten years ago
and tossed me away.
As you can see,
I've survived
and taken the time to learn all the
neat weapons you left on the campground,
including the raccoons!
And at this point,
you're probably wondering
how we took control
of the PEN15!
I wish Agent Chumpleshirt
and his lady friend
could tell you all about it,
but unfortunately,
they're dead for real now.
Come on!
I'm knobbing
as fast I can!
And since you guys probably
know where PEN15 fired from,
you think you're
gonna find it real soon.
Jones!
That little furball we sent to
the sleeping car is missing!
Missing?
Where'd he go?
I don't know! I don't have
the slightest idea!
As you can see by
PEN15's little demo today,
your high-powered raccoon-operated
satellite works like a dream.
And now I'm going to use it and
make it work like a nightmare.
In 40 minutes,
when the PEN15 is in place,
I'm gonna use it to hit Denver
with a 9,999 percent blast!
Y'all like blasts, right?
Well, I'm going to use it
to blow up the secret bunker
you say isn't
under the Denver airport.
Son of a bitch!
There'll be destruction,
desolation and dang it!
They'll have
to redo all the maps.
And you thought
the country was divided now.
Oh, and one more thing.
I was always a pretty
sweet Ranger.
And my daddy
was a good Ranger, too.
And when the raccoons
took over the campground,
you didn't give me what I
needed to take care of them.
You betrayed me,
Mr. Mayor.
You betrayed your country,
and now the raccoons
are coming home to roost.
Until we meet again.
Assholes!
Oh, Jesus Christ!
Can somebody tell me
what "dos vidaniya" means?
- Where do you think he went?
- I don t know!
I'll go
check the kitchen.
Can somebody
please let me know
if we can track down this Danger
guy before he blows up Denver?
Maybe we should
check the Moscow airport.
Well, sir, the fact of the
matter is we have to look through
the entire Earth's
atmosphere to find this thing.
It's going to be tough.
Maybe we could
find it in the sky!
What? What are you
talking about?
I mean, the satellite thingy's
in the sky
and then we should
probably be looking in the sky,
cause that's where
the satellite thingy was,
you know?
Oh, okay.
Sounds good,
I buy it.
So where should we go?
I need to get to the front of this
train and see if I can stop it.
You harness that
energy you had ten years ago
when you hit that
momma raccoon.
I know you can do it!
You know
what this is?
This is what my
friend Casey gave me.
He said he killed
the raccoon himself.
That's right. I remember him
saying something about that.
I thought he was crazy,
but maybe he was
on to something.
Exactly! He can
fight these raccoons,
no matter
how cute they seem.
Boys, it looks like there might
be a surprise in Santa's sack.
Fellas, let's do
a double check.
Fireworks and Wet Naps?
We find anything yet?
Checking now.
The Lord has blessed
us with clearance up here.
Did you check the
whole goddamn thing?
Oh, my! I wish he wouldn't
use language like that.
Will one of you boys
go check back there?
God! He's up here
in the engine!
Jones, we're getting
hit hard up here!
Goddamn!
I'm on my way.
God has nothing
to do with this.
Any day now, gentlemen.
This is most unpleasant.
Come on, Doc!
Oh, yeah.
Pippy got him!
Motherfucker
fell under the engine!
Check the wheels!
She got him.
Danger, our stowaway
has been exterminated.
You sure, Jones?
Doc says he went
under the wheels.
By now, the bastard's
reindeer meat.
Goddamn.
That was
fucking frustrating.
Whoever that brave
motherfucker is,
he just took out a bunch
of our best raccoons.
All right, come on.
Jones, I thought you said you trained
these raccoons to be killing machines.
I trained these furballs
to be computer geniuses
and they're doing
a great fucking job.
They do pretty good against people
who never fought raccoons before,
but it's like this guy
has actually fought raccoons.
But where? And when?
And what the goddamn hell
was he doing on this train?
Jones was a pest
removal expert and avid hunter
from Independence whose
body was also never found.
He had inside knowledge
of the campground
and knew how to handle
any weapon.
Well, as usual, General, the CIA
isn't giving you the full story.
In addition to
Jones and Danger
and the now-probably-
dead-for-real Agent Charlesworth,
the other experts
at Raccoon Creek ten years ago
were the local pastor,
Reverend Pookie and Dr. Billington
from the campground's clinic.
Their bodies
were also never found.
Well sure, everybody knows
a number of the victims
were never found,
but that was all part of
the cover up, right?
We have to make sure that nobody
found out about this stuff.
Oh. Right, Mr. Secretary.
And your secret raccoon
weapons program
has been fucking everything
up for everybody ever since!.
And your point?
Jesus, get outta here,
will ya?
If these guys were hanging around
Raccoon Creek the last ten years,
they probably know
everything we've been doing.
They know the campground
better than anybody
and they probably
have chips on their shoulders.
A phone charger?
Goddamn!
Oh, man, you're hit!
You think this
is getting hit?
This ain't getting hit.
Those bullets are so tiny,
I honestly have no idea
how so many
people have died.
Looks like I need
a password for access.
I'll just try to crack
a few programs.
Now, let's see
what we've got.
Oh, looks like one of the
porters from the train.
Looks like he accessed
his social media account
off of some wifi in the area
and he sent a message...
to my old deputy.
Shane?
And we're gonna need turkey and
B-sprouts for Christmas dinner.
And get fruit. I love fruit!
But not that kind of fruit.
I think we're about there,
deep in the Appalachians.
Shit, we're in for a dark
Christmas in the dark.
We're gonna be
without roads, radio,
wifi or any kind of contact with
the outside world for three hours.
Jesus.
I hope I did the Social Media good
enough to get a message through to Shane.
'Cause if not, we're the
only ones who can stop them.
How are you with VCRs?
Wait a minute.
The message isn't
signed by the porter.
It says, "Sincerely, Casey
Smallwood, also formerly known as Ty
and yes it really is me,
this is not a joke."
Smallwood?
The name sounds familiar.
Yeah, it sounds
really familiar.
Say, wasn't that the college
student everyone thought
killed the raccoon
ten years ago?
Oh, yeah!
Tom. Tom Smallwood!
Didn't he try
to fight the raccoons
with that old hippie
that lived in the forest?
Jeff Tuck? You think he's
not dead for real either?
No way! We would've
seen him by now.
Besides, that old hippie used
to just poop in the woods
and bone animals.
- Okay.
- What? What?
But seriously, if this Smallwood
kid isn't dead for real
and he has experience
fighting the raccoons,
he is literally the one person
we don't want on this train!
Say, Billy boy.
When you looked under
the train for the stowaway,
did you actually
see the body?
Well, I saw
some train tracks
and some blood
and I just presumed.
Presumption is
the father of all boo-boos!
I'm sorry!
Just, no more slapping.
With all the scars on my face and
the missing chunks and what not.
I want all hands
and paws on deck!
I want this train
searched left side,
right side, inside, outside,
from floor to ceiling!
We will not be
defeated by Smallwoods!
Come on!
You really think this
Smallwood kid is still alive?
I mean, until someone sees a
corpse that's dead for real,
I'll always think it's possible,
especially given our situation.
Okay.
Then why the fuck
is he on this train?
Pull up the passenger list.
Let's see if he was
with anyone else.
You don t think he was
on here with Tuck, do you?
Or that Arab?
There's only one
way to find out. Print it!
So what are you
gonna look for? Tuck?
- Some Arab?
- I don't know
But a man who fights raccoons
wouldn't leave his plus-one
unprotected in a situation like this.
Oh, snap,
fifteen missed notifications?
Ooh, who's this
grande latte?
O-M-G.
Jesus.
Aunt Sally's mittens!
Let us know
if you smell any... fear.
- What's he looking for?
- I don't know.
Hopefully not me.
I have an idea.
So what do we do now?
What do we do now?
Oh, we're gonna make
a little Christmas cocktail.
What's your name,
young lady?
Anderson. Andy Anderson.
Sounds made up!
And...
Nope, it's not on the list.
I work on the train,
at the bar.
And you don't have
a uniform like Shelley here?
Changed out of it when
you guys took over the train.
So how is this
supposed to work?
We just need to put a little
fire into these works.
What?
We just need
to shake it off.
Man, stop speaking
in song lyrics.
Well, well, well.
Who gave this to ya?
Might not be a good idea
to wear that around these boys.
Wow, you're a brave
little motherfucker.
You're gonna need a lot more
than tasers to hurt us, though.
Our bodies are mostly
scar-tissue at this point,
and that just feels tingly.
Hey, leave her alone!
Man, that doesn't
even make sense.
It'll make sense when
I charge my way to victory.
You ready to hit eject?
Imagine a fire pit
along the Rocky Mountains.
It's gonna be like
a big ol' hot tub.
Goddamn small dick!
Shitsnakes!
We've lost PEN15!
I got the golden
VHS tape!
Nice! Now let's
get to the baggage car!
He took the golden VHS tape.
I can't do anything without it!
Come on! We're almost there!
He's headed for the baggage car
in the back of the train.
Don't shoot him.
He's got the VHS tape.
Oh!
They're off the train!
Pookie, stop the train!
Sure thing, Jones.
Let's give these boys a break!
Okay, Reverend,
take us back.
Right. Okay.
Later on!
This train might as well
be a toy going around
a Christmas tree
without that VHS tape.
Couldn't you just have
made some other copies?
Yeah, I...
I definitely
could've done that.
Let's latch on here.
Be a doll and just
wait right here, would ya?
Okay, here we go.
It's the chubby porter!
Go get him!
Danger! Jones! It appears
Smallwood has an accomplice.
It's the chubby porter
with the smart phone.
He's getting
away with the golden VHS tape!
Well,
don't shoot the chub chub.
We can't let
anything happen to it.
I bet you want that golden VHS
tape, don't ya?
Well, too bad.
It's down there.
Where'd the chubby
porter go?
I don't know! A few cars
down that way.
Oh, shit, man!
Hands up. Don't shoot, man!
Come on, look what do you want,
the golden VHS, man?
Look, man,
I dropped it somewhere.
Like, I think it's under
the train or something, man.
Come on, brother,
all I got is your coon ass!.
Ho! There goes
the chubby porter.
Goddamn!
Oh, shit!
Okay, Reverend.
Take us to Washington,
full steam.
Aw, no!
Well, I guess
your small dick buddy
wasn't as good
as I thought.
Okay, Danger,
you're back in the game.
Now make
that banana split.
Goddamn it, Casey.
Maybe
I am still Ty.
I'd take you
over Charlie any day.
Tuck?
Okay, ladies and germs,
we're back online.
And it looks like we
didn't lose anything vital
for splitting
the country in two.
Let's do it.
I'm locking PEN15
into Denver now.
The mile high city will be
a cloud of weed smoke
in 20 minutes.
Ah! Looks like that Danger piece
of shit started another countdown!
But I thought
you were dead for real!
Oh, come on, man. Everyone else
ain't dead for real, why not me, bro?
But how?
Well, I survived the big
fireworks explosion,
then I just kept living in
the woods like I always did.
Then the Mayor and U.S.
military turned the campground
into a big weapons facility to
harness the power of the raccoons.
Then it turns out Ranger Danger
and those jerkholes weren't dead
for real either,
so I just laid low,
kept tabs on everybody,
and then when they made their move,
I made mine, man.
I, uh, kept pretty good
track of everybody so far,
but, uh, then I had to stop
and uh, get a little high.
Oh, Tuck,
I missed you, man!
Oh, man, all right, okay.
Those raccoons from
ten years ago, they're back!
They just attacked that train
and Ranger Danger and his
expert friends were there, too.
- You were right!
- Yeah, of course, man!
It's a big raccoon military
experiment gone wrong.
I have literally been
trying to say that for decades.
Come on, Tuck!
You taught me how to fight raccoons,
don't you want
to catch them?
I mean, you're here,
I'm here.
We're so close! You think
this is just a coincidence?
Oh, God. I'm so sorry, dude.
That was so gross.
No, that's my bad.
I should've expected that.
Dude, I totally
remember you, man!
We fought those
raccoons ten years ago, man.
That was a great time!
You're, uh,
you're Ty, right?
Yeah, that's me.
Now let's get on that train.
How did
you get here?
Oh, yeah, I actually have
a mode of transportation
that's a lot faster
with two people.
You in?
Of course!
What do I have to do?
I mean, I haven't
driven in like, ten years.
Oh, man, you don't need to drive.
How's your arm strength?
Pretty good.
I did just get out of the pen.
Oh, yeah? You been,
uh, jerking it?
I was gonna say doing
a lot of pull ups, but yeah.
I was jerking it
quite a bit.
Well, man, let's pull and
jerk our way to victory, baby!
- Let's do it!
- Let's do it.
Sir! Shane from the very popular
restaurant in Independence is on the phone.
Shane?
Shane was another one of my
Rangers ten years ago, General.
Really? Does he know about the
raccoons as well, Mr. Secretary?
You know,
I certainly hope not.
He's one of those people I sent
to a conversion therapy camp.
So the result is
he's not very gay now,
he's forgotten about the
raccoons, got a super-hot wife,
nice restaurant.
We should be good to go.
Okay, I get it. It doesn't
matter if he used to be gay.
Don't ask, don't tell.
Sir, that's actually
not a policy anymore.
We need to hurry.
This is about the last train
that left from Independence
to Washington today.
The last train
to Washington?
Agent Woman
was on that train!
That's it, warrior! Harness
that prison jerkin power, baby.
Hello? Is the former
mayor of Independence there?
Well, hi there, Shane!
Yeah, although, hey, for the record,
I am now the Secretary of Defense.
Oh, right! Thanks again
for everything you've done for me
and the city of
Independence, sir.
Yeah, no prob, Shane!
Hey, we're in the middle of a
little situation here, what's up?
I have a Social Media
sent to me
by the train porter
on the Holiday Express.
Please tell the former
Mayor of Independence
that whoever's in charge
of the secret weapon program
at Raccoon Creek that their
experiment's gone terribly wrong.
Over 25 raccoons and former ranger
Rick Danger of Raccoon Creek
hijacked the last Holiday
Express to Washington today.
This group includes other
experts who helped Ranger Danger
fight the raccoons at
Raccoon Creek ten years ago.
They also have a bunch of high tech
satellite equipment or something.
High tech satellite
equipment or something?
That's them!
I couldn't figure out
Social Media and this dude
works on the train and he's
from ten years ago, too!
O-M-G smiley face.
O-M-G indeed!
Get me the location
of the Holiday Express.
Roger that, General!
Who sent the
Social Media message?
Well, it was sent to me by the train porter
on the Holiday Express who goes by Double A,
but it was actually
my friend Ty Smallwood.
Smallwood?
Why does that name
sound so familiar?
We fought the raccoons
together at Raccoon Creek
before you had him locked up
for underage drinking.
Oh! Right.
Come on!
Pump that juice, baby!
What is the closest air base
to the Holiday Express?
Probably our secret
Appalachian base, sir.
Great! Let's get some planes
to go after that train, hm?
Sir! There's over 100
innocent people on that train.
I know. But this country's
gonna be split in two
if this small dick kid
can't stop these raccoons
Scramble the fighters.
Yes, sir!
General, I really like
where your head is at.
We can wipe out Danger,
the Smallwood kid
and a bunch of raccoons
all at once.
Shut the fuck up,
Mr. Secretary!
We're in this mess
because of you.
Now get your bureaucratic
ass the hell out of here.
Move!
Oh, and you're fired!
Why the hell did I
get back on this train?
There it is!
Let's hit it!
Sorry about your
small dick friend, missy.
As I learned
ten years ago,
college kids and raccoons
just don't mix.
Have a tendency to make pretty
girls like you just disappear.
The raccoons chewed
off my balls ten years ago.
You're gonna have to do a lot better
than that to get a rise out of me.
Jones, leave her alone.
You wouldn't want to piss off
her small dick boyfriend again.
He's not my boyfriend.
Yeah, he's not
her boyfriend.
Besides, small dick is dead.
Oh, yeah?
Did you see his body?
Because, you know,
that's kind of why
we're all here.
Presumption is
the father of all boo-boos.
Well, he might
be dead,
he might be alive,
but there's no way he's on this train.
And there's no way he's
getting back on this train
in some crazy,
unrealistic fashion!
Okay! Just get me on
the back of the train
then you go for help!
Do it, Ty! I'll meet ya
again later down the line.
Okay, Tuck.
I'm going to do it!
That's it, baby!
Hendrix! Hendrix!
Get me an evacuation
order for Denver.
Just the bunker, sir?
What about the city?
Oh, forget the city,
they're all stoned!
They'll freak out.
Hey, Independence Whorehouse?
Yeah, it's Tom.
Can I get extra
happy endings tonight?
I should've just
lived in the woods.
Drop the tiny
machine gun, chubby!
Well, I gotta
hand it to ya.
You college kids sure did
give us a run for our money.
Hey, I'm not in college, man.
Oh, I'm sorry!
Was that not sensitive?
Was that not PC?
Oh, it was very PC.
As in pretty clear
you're gonna die, dickhead.
Ain't that right, brother?
I'm dead
for real now.
Damn, that was dope, bro!
Let's go kick
some more coon ass!
Great! Praise Allah
to you too.
All right, boys,
we've got a gazillion dollars
waiting for us in the Bahamas.
We just gotta
catch a ride off of here
and blow the shit
out of Denver!
Stay tuned for this country
being fucked right in half.
Arrangements have been made
for everyone to get picked up
in long black cars
in Washington.
Long black cars and fire trucks
and ambulances.
There's a common axiom
which every good camper knows.
When in doubt,
take the shortcut.
Looks like things are about to
get a little off track.
Wait, the old logging factory isn't
on the same side it usually is.
We usually go around
this town on the other side.
We're not even on
the right tracks to Washington.
Jesus! It looks like we're
headed to Washington, all right.
The Washington Canyon.
The bridge is out and we're
headed straight for it.
If we don't stop this thing,
everyone's gonna die.
Wait, you're not going to let
these raccoons screw
you over again, are you?
No.
Not this time.
That's the Washington Canyon.
It's been a dead end
on the tracks for years.
Unfortunately, they're
headed right for it.
Can we contact them?
Not as long as they're in for
a dark Christmas in the dark.
There's no reception
up there,
especially at night.
Come in,
Independence.
We are approaching
the target.
- General Negligence?
- Yes, sir?
Authorize the planes to fire.
Yes, sir.
Roger that.
We're going in!
Sweet mother of shit,
forgive us.
There's something coming in.
What? They found us?
Because of Tom
fucking small cock?
Can't you just shoot it
down with the satellite?
Shitsnakes, no!
I can't do that.
I got PEN15
locked on Denver.
Wait a minute.
If the planes are slow enough,
I could target them.
There they are.
See? Told ya you could
shoot it down.
That's why I said that.
Shh!
We're the good guys.
I'm sorry, Mr. Raccoon.
I was just touching up my boobies.
Titties?
Breasteseses.
Shitsnakes, Mr. Pilot.
Where are all
the passengers?
They must be on
the passenger car.
Let's double team it
in the rear!
They shot down
one of the planes!
Son of a bitch!
Goddamn Smallwood!
I've got
the target on lock.
Ready to fire
on your command.
Shitsnakes times two.
Get me the President!
Hello? A raccoon
weapons program?
Cut the program,
put it into school lunches,
Where's the bunker?
I'm on my way.
Jane! Slippers!
Ranger Rick Danger.
Tom Smallwood?
It's Ty. I'm coming
for Darlene
and then I'm coming
for you and your raccoons.
You better hurry or these
raccoons are going to do to her
what they did
to her sister.
Ya! Gotta keep
'em separated!
Double A,
what are you doing?
I'm coming with
you to finish this!
Ready to be a warrior, huh?
Hell, yeah!
I learned from the best.
Oh, my golly,
we're free!
Oh, my golly,
I can use my smartphone!
Hey, hey, hey
No one else can have this story,
this is Dick Weener's story.
No one else can
have a smartphone!
Ow!
Ow! An electric shock
I can't fuck with!
You stupid old broad,
you've ruined my career!
Amen to that, Dick!
Now, I'm gonna assume we
haven't seen the Doc in a while
because he went
for a brisk walk or something.
Are you sure you can
handle Tom Small Dick?
Can I handle him?
Skippy? You're my number one...
raccoon!
Now you think
I can handle him?
Go get 'em.
I'd take you boys
over Charlie any day!
Who the hell is that?
It's Tuck! Get on there and
help him jerk that thing off.
What?
I mean, you know,
help him pump it!
What are you gonna do?
I'm gonna get Darlene.
Attention Ranger
Rick Danger!
You've got yourself
a warrior problem
and it ain't you and him.
Jeff Tuck? I thought
you were dead for real,
you old crackhead!
Looks like two can
play at that game, Danger.
Presumptions are
the father of all boo-boos.
Pippy! Go get
Kent State on that hippie!
Come on, man!
Get that thing closer.
Huh?
Oh, boy!
Ha-ha! There ya go!
Whoo! That's it, baby!
All right, Ty.
Best Christmas Eve ever.
I'll worry about
Tyler little dick.
You worry about
splitting this country in two.
Got it?
Not gonna lie, Jones.
You're going a little crazy.
You, you want
a tranquilizer or something?
No.
Bullets. I need bullets.
Okay. As long as my Santa
satellites keep the U.S. military
busy long enough,
I'll blow up Denver without you.
Have fun killing
drunk college kids.
I've got a country
to split in two
and a gazillion dollars
to pick up in the Bahamas.
Looks like this is gonna
take some super strength.
Howdy, warrior!
You know how to pump it?
Oh, yeah.
I've been to prison.
Great, the President
is pissed!
Which means we
and the American
public are fucked!
Can't let you go anywhere.
You're my little hostage.
You know, a lot
of dumb college kids
died on that campground
ten years ago.
The fact
this Smallwood kid didn't
kinda makes me
respect him.
He really is a brave
motherfucker.
You know,
I do remember you.
And I sure hope you know
what you're doing, small dick.
Or else your little
girlfriend here is gonna die,
just like her sister.
I'm not his girlfriend.
Yeah, she's not
my girlfriend.
I lost my virginity to her
sister ten years ago,
while she was
being killed by a raccoon.
Holy shit!
That's how
my sister died?
Uh, yeah, I was gonna,
I was gonna...
Ye... I was gonna tell you,
but some things came up.
And I'm-I'm sorry.
You might be able to take out
a bunch of raccoons,
but can you fight a real man?
Hang on to that grenade,
sugar tits.
You might
need it later.
Ugh! You are so the patriarchy.
Not bad, small dick.
But you know what they say.
It's not the size,
it's how you use it.
Goddamn!
Bring it on,
you furry fuck!
Harder!
Harder! Harder!
Harder! Harder!
Goddamn!
I actually don't
have balls.
Uh, the raccoons
gnawed 'em off.
Where'd you learn this,
the NYPD?
No. Raccoon Creek Campground,
motherfucker!
I'm dead, for real.
Later on.
Don't drop that.
Come on.
Well, I'm going to presume
everything is just fine back there.
I hope you're all having
a happy Christmas Eve!
Independence isn't what it used to
be, but then again,
this whole country isn't about
to be what it used to be.
As long as I've got
my golden VHS tape,
inside this here VCR,
that's all I need.
Now if you excuse me,
I must dis-board
this train
before it makes a stop inside
of Washington Canyon.
Wait, if you keep moving,
I'll just drop this grenade.
Kill us all.
Well, shitsnakes.
Go ahead!
Still no response to our abort
shriek command codes, sir!
What the hell
are shriek command codes?
Oh, Tom Smallwood.
Shooting me
won't do anything.
The U.S. military can't get
past my Santa satellites
and you can't stop my
high tech VHS programming.
Seriously? There's nothing I
can do to shut that thing down?
Nope! You might as well
just drop that gun right now.
Fuck! I'm sorry, Darlene.
Looks like I failed again.
Just like I failed your sister.
Access to PEN15 restored!
We have regained
control of PEN15, sir!
Shitsnakes! Didn't
think of that one.
Sorry, daddy.
Kill it!
What's this? An end
that's dead for real?
Good God!
Now I'm dead for real!
Okay, stop pumping.
It won't stop!
Oh, boy.
Uh, everybody jump!
Woah!
Tom teeny peeny!
Ranger Danger?
You haven't won yet, small dick.
You dumb college kids
will never again
laugh at the name
of Ranger Rick Danger.
Shitsnakes! I'm dead
for real now, daddy!
Coon-bye-yah,
motherfucker!
Looks like you bit off exactly
what you could choo-choo.
Nice going, warrior.
I knew you could do it.
You're not a winner.
You're not a loser.
And you're not a Casey.
You're a Ty.
Thanks, kid.
Hey, guys, look this is really all
heartwarming, but what the fuck is that?
Ring-tailed
rodent piece of shit!
Your dead sister
would be proud.
Whoa, whoa. You sure you
know how to use that thing?
I think I got
the hang of it.
Hey, you boys gonna eat this?
It's all yours!
Woo-whee! Gonna be a good Christmas
dinner this year!
Smartphone!
Get me the secret
military base in Independence.
Generals, there's
a message coming in
I'll patch it through.
Hello, Independence?
This is Casey Sm... This is Ty.
Ty Smallwood.
His last name means
small penis either way.
Ranger Danger and his
cronies are dead for real now.
The raccoons have been destroyed
and the hostages are safe.
Come on, open! Open up,
you son of a bitch, open!
All right, what the hell is
going on? You woke me up!
Mr. President,
it all worked out.
Well, that's good,
because it's Christmas.
Yeah! Yeah!
♪ Hark the herald angels sing
♪ Glory to the newborn king
♪ Peace on Earth...
It's good to have
you back, Ty.
It's good to be back.
Hey, I really enjoyed
fighting raccoons with you
and I know
that I lost my virginity
to your dead sister
ten years ago,
but I was wondering if you'd
wanna hang out sometime?
I mean, I don't know
if you're into older guys.
Uh, I actually
am into older guys.
Oh, cool, really?
Yeah, but like, much older.
In fact, I kinda
met someone.
- What's up, bro?
- Tuck?
It's always an honor to fight
raccoons alongside a warrior like you.
Next time you need me,
I'll always pop up.
Uh, sure, yeah.
So, uh, you ever get
high in a tree before?
Uh, no. But that sounds
pretty awesome.
Far out!
Merry Christmas, brother.
Merry Christmas, you guys.
What about you, Shelley?
Do you have plans tonight?
Oh, yeah.
With everything
that's happened,
Double A and I have
gotten a lot closer,
and we've decided to take
our professional relationship
to a more personal level.
Thanks for everything, warrior.
Yes, God bless us, everyone.
.Merry Christmas, you guys!
Well, Janine,
turns out you were
always the only girl for me.
Looks like it's just us again.
Yep, just us.
Two.
Smallwood!
You're free to go!
Merry Christmas,
ya filthy animal.
Mr. Secretary,
Merry Christmas!
Tom! Great to see you.
Well, I wouldn't
miss this for the world.
Well, this is gonna be a fantastic
holiday bonus for our military.
Access to PEN15 will
be granted in ten, nine, eight...
Okay folks, let's get it
started in here!
Agent Woman, Agent Charlesworth,
let s relay the shriek command codes!
Agent Woman, administer
the voice modulation masks.
One.
Agent Charlesworth,
we have access.
Ha-ha!
Nice!
Thank you, Houston.
We'll take it from here.
Hot dog,
Christmas has come early!
Let's see what
those little furballs can do.
I'm sending command shrieks
to the space thingy now,
Mr. Secretary.
They're accessing the space
thingy's visual optics.
Oh, they
found something!
Tammy!
Oh, tell them
to try image enhancing!
Oh, titties!
Boobies!
Breasteseseses.
That is sophomoric.
And tasteless.
Those nerds at the NSA
probably think
this is Santa's sleigh!
If they only knew!
The optics are phenomenal,
just think what the laser
capabilities might be.
This might be the best weapon
the U.S. military
has ever had ever!
Chester, I gotta
hand it to ya, man.
This raccoon weapons
program is incredible!
From spraying raccoon feces
all over the Middle East
to developing one of the most
uncrackable satellite
codes in human history.
Even the Chinese
can't figure it out!
Great job, man!
Congress is gonna
be so pissed
when they find out
who is paying for this.
Hey, guys, can I
get a little credit here?
I mean,
ten years ago,
the raccoons slaughtered
fifteen campers here in town.
If I didn't cover
the whole thing up
and ship the raccoons off to the
military, we wouldn't be here today.
I only wish my colleagues
from that summer had survived,
I heard their
bodies were never found.
They were all ripped
to shreds by raccoons.
You know, it's funny
you would mention that,
cause just last week,
we had a break-in
at the Raccoon Creek
weapons facility.
We got a few things missing,
like some raccoons
and some gear
and I don't know
who the heck would take it,
'cause what are they
going to do with it?
There was a note left behind,
it said, "Shitsnakes."
Strange I've heard
that before.
Yeah, you know that was something
Ranger Rick Danger used to say.
He was a boozehound
park ranger
I hired ten years ago.
Nobody knows what it meant.
Shitsnakes?
That's not a thing.
Like, snakes
covered in shit?
Well, nobody
really knows.
Besides, Ranger
Danger is long gone,
you guys did
a phenomenal job,
have a great holiday,
thanks so much.
Thank you, sir.
Thank you, Mr. Mayor.
I mean, Mr. Secretary
You're welcome.
Just call me sir the way she does.
Yes, sir.
Merry Christmas, Mr. Secretary!
Agent Woman,
could I talk to you for a second?
- Mm-hmm.
- Sorry, Chester.
Of course.
Have a great holiday.
Listen,
I don't know if you're staying
in town for the holidays,
but I have a cabin
in the woods
and I would love it
if you would join me.
As flattered as I am by the
offer, sir, my plans are to make
the next train to Washington
to meet my... family.
Ha-ha! Well, no matter,
I'm married anyway.
Listen, like
the secretary said,
you did a great job today!
Thank you, sir.
But I don't need
a man to tell me that.
Hoo-hoo,
feminism is hot, ha-ha!
Come on, Aunt Sally's
mittens, where is he?
O-M-G! Ty! Ty Smallwood!
Shane! How are ya, man?
Hey, what's
with the cross?
Oh, I'm a Christian now!
Isn't that great?
I went to conversion therapy.
The only thing
I'm gay for now is Jesus,
and he's the reason for the
season, am I right?
Hey, I love that mustache.
Oh, thanks.
But don't call me Ty anymore.
I changed my name.
I couldn't stand being
made fun of in prison.
Oh, right. Smallwood could
be perceived as "small penis."
Makes sense.
So from now on, call me Casey.
Casey Smallwood.
I got this place after I got
out of conversion therapy.
Business boomed when
the mayor of Independence
became the Secretary
of Defense.
Lot of military families
coming through.
It's been really
good for business.
Wait, the mayor?
That dick who put me in jail for
ten years for underage drinking?
He put Al Jazeera
in Guantanamo!
We don't even know
if Al's alive.
Ty... Casey, a lot's changed
in the last ten years
since you've been gone.
The mayor's done a lot of
good since he's gotten to D.C.
So he's a hero now, huh?
What'd he do for you?
He got me
the conversion therapy.
I'm not living that sinful,
disgusting life anymore.
Speaking of,
we have a Christmas
swingers party
going on tonight.
You're more than
welcome to hang out,
stay as long as you like.
Well, that's nice
of you, Shane,
but Imma try to see
my family on the East Coast.
I'm actually supposed
to meet up with this girl
I've been in touch with,
and take the next train to D.C.
What?
Who is this girl, how long
you been in touch with her
and will you be
touching her a lot more?
She's the sister of the dead
girl that I lost my virginity to
ten years ago,
who was mauled by raccoons.
Her name's Darlene.
We struck up a penpal-ship
while I was in the joint.
She wants to know the truth
about what
happened to her sister.
I'm not gonna lie, Shane.
That summer really
fucked me up.
It's almost as if I'm
a totally different person now.
Yeah, it's pretty obvious.
Look, Casey,
Raccoon Creek Campground
doesn't exist anymore.
It's a top secret
military facility.
There hasn't been
a raccoon attack in ten years.
Anybody who knows about
that attack, they keep quiet.
You'd be smart
to do the same thing.
If this whole mystery train ride with
your dead lover's sister doesn't pan out,
make sure to hit me up
on social media.
Thanks, Shane.
But I think I need to get
the fuck out of this town.
And above all
I never want to see
another raccoon again.
Now
boarding the 9:11 train to D.C.
Never forget that the 9:11
train is now boarding.
How could anyone
forget that the 9:11 train is now boarding?
No one should ever
forget about the 9:11 train.
Well, you'd be surprised about
how many people
forget about the 9:11 train.
It's like no one remembers anything
about the 9:11 train anymore.
Well, that's because these days,
there's still
a lot of questions
about what really
happened to the 9:11 train.
You're
going to bring up your doubts
about what happened
to the 9:11 train again?
I'm just
saying it's okay to ask questions
about what our
government really knew
about the 9:11 train
and when they knew it!
Oh, my God.
We're not arguing about what
happened to the 9:11 train.
Hey!
I have a lot of questions...
Hi, there.
Has a woman named Darlene Bean
picked up her tickets yet?
Hey, are you Casey?
I'm Darlene.
Janine's sister.
Wow, I can tell
You look just like her.
It's, it's uncanny, not to be
weird or anything, but,
I made this for you
Hey, I hate to interrupt this
really awkward moment,
but did you guys want
to pick up your tickets or...
Yeah, there should be two
tickets under my name, Smallwood.
You didn't have to buy
both of our tickets.
It's not a problem.
It's amazing how much
money you save
when you have
no place to spend it.
Okay. Uh, two tickets
for Ty Smallwood.
Actually changed my name,
it's Casey now.
Casey Smallwood.
Well, your last name still
means "small penis" though.
Last call
for the 9:11 train to D.C., last call!
And no, we're not
arguing about it anymore.
So uh, how's
your family doing?
Uh, fine,
I guess.
I mean, as good as you can be
when a member of your family
mysteriously dies
at a campground.
Nobody ever really told us
exactly how or why she died.
Yeah, I wanted to talk
to you about that.
Actually, I...
I made you this Christmas present
to get the conversation started
That's an
interesting necklace.
Yeah, killed that raccoon
myself ten years ago.
Wait, seriously?
You killed an innocent raccoon?
Casey, you know I'm a big
animal rights activist.
I've written to you
about it a lot.
I-I mean, I know that!
This was a bad one.
It's actually part of the
story about your sister.
Jesus, dude.
Well, it's a good
thing we've got
a long ass train ride
ahead of us.
Let's go.
Looks like I've bitten off
more than I can choo-choo.
Oh, wow! How's it going there,
young lady?
Oh, okay, well.
Hey, where ya going?
Come on,
I'm the train's photographer!
So what are you, uh,
traveling with your
boyfriend or something?
Or going dolo?
She's traveling
with me.
Sorry.
Hey, you look really
familiar. Have we met?
I don't think so.
I just got
out of prison.
You?
I was in jail for a bit
about ten years ago
I don' t think
I know you from there.
Look, sorry, man.
Hope you have a good trip.
And so,
as the holiday train
boards up again
this Christmas Eve
on its way to our
nation's capital,
the folks on board are prepared
for some unannounced guests,
perhaps even
Santa Claus himself.
For Network News,
I'm Dick Weener.
Did we get it? Good.
I'm getting the fuck
out of here.
This place gives me
the creeps!
I've been the biggest
name in the local news
for ten years now
and it's time to move on.
The Secretary of Defense
says once I get this
spokesman job
at the Pentagon,
I don't need
you plebeians anymore!
Happy holidays,
you sad sacks!
The NSA
tracks Santa on Christmas Eve,
but who else
are they tracking?
- I don t trust them one bit.
- Well, hello, Agent Woman.
Looks like Santa got me
a little present this year.
Hello, Agent Charlesworth
Care for a vod-sode?
A vod what?
A vod-sode. Vodka soda.
It has the highest
alcohol content
and the lowest
amount of calories.
Hey! Hey, man!
That's rape culture.
Did you even wash your hands?
What? Of course
I washed my hands.
I always wash my hands.
- Okay. Then strip for me.
- What?
Strip for me, you big
hairy man. Strip!
Okay!
There is no more freedom,
there is no more
personal freedom.
If Jesus Christ
were president,
something like this
would never happen!
All right, boys.
Let's go to work.
First it was flu
shots at Christmas, what else is next?
I'm gonna ask if you have
any nines or elevens?
Well, I'm gonna go
ahead tell ya to go fish!
Dang nab it.
They're trying to control...
You hear something?
Merry Christmas?
All right, boys.
We got ten minutes.
Hey, there. Could you tell me what
that girl over there is drinking?
I'd like to have the
same thing to be social.
It's just that I haven't
had a drink in ten years.
I just got out of prison.
For underage drinking.
Are you a murderer?
What? No!
Oh, Phew. Okay.
I have to ask.
We get a lot of felons on here
from that jail in Independence.
Your friend is drinking
a vod-sode.
A what?
A vod-sode.
Vodka soda.
It's the highest
alcohol content
with the lowest
amount of calories.
Let me go see
if I can do this.
I'll be back.
Yo, Casey.
Wanna join me
for a drink?
Yeah.
Hey, your sister,
she used to call me Ty,
because that
was my real name.
But then, I changed
my name to Casey,
and you've been
calling me that,
which has been nice.
But I guess if you want to,
you could call me Ty,
just like your dead sister did.
I don't want
to call you Ty, Casey.
And I don't just want
to keep hearing about
your relationship
with my dead sister.
I'd love to know
why she died,
if you know
anything about that.
Yeah, I'm sorry.
- It's just...
- It's just what?
Are you going to tell me
what happened to her,
or do you even know?
I mean, was it
your fault or something?
I loved your sister.
I didn't know
she was going to die!
My best friend
died that summer,
and so did a lot
of other people.
And I tried to stop it!
Yeah, well, you did
a great fucking job.
If at any point you'd
like to tell me exactly
what happened to my dead sister,
that would be great.
Maybe I do need
that vod-sode.
Hey, Shelley What was
in that vod-sode again?
Well, it's like, vodka,
but like, also soda.
Great, I'll take one.
Hey, Casey, I'm sorry I
lashed out at you earlier.
It's just...
You were with my
sister that summer
and I just really need
to know how she died.
There's so much information
my family and I never got
and if you know anything
about what happened,
I'd just like to pick up our pen
pal relationship and figure it out.
Of course.
And I promise,
by the end of this trip,
you'll know how
your dead sister died.
Thanks. I'm gonna
go take a jog,
but later we can
have some drinks and talk.
Let's go, boys.
Oh, hey, look,
don't get your psycho
ex-con boyfriend
to beat me up, all right?
I was just trying
to make conversation.
He's not my boyfriend.
Oh, now we're talking.
Look, don t bring rape culture
with you to work, okay?
And if you even try
to touch me, I'll beat you up.
Look, I don't
know about that.
I've been doing
a lot of this lately.
Oh, wow.
Well, why don't you go ahead
and try and touch me then?
Wait, what?
Go ahead. Touch me.
All right, I mean I guess
that's consent, so...
Ow! An electric shock
I can't fuck with!
Oh, come on!
Oh, God, I can't breathe.
I can't breathe!
Come on.
Where'd you learn that from?
The NYPD?
Ten years ago my sister and I
took a self-defense class.
Then she died on some
camping trip in Independence,
so I kept training to make sure
nothing ever happened to me.
Well, I'm really sorry
to hear that,
but I'm pretty sure
you don't have to worry
about getting killed
on this train.
Yeah, well,
I certainly hope not.
Hey, wait.
You said your sister was killed
on a camping trip in Independence?
Yeah?
I was there around
ten years ago, too.
I think I remember your friend,
but I can't be sure.
Yeah, well,
I'm not sure either.
Oh!
Oh, goddamn.
Hang in there fellas!
You want paper
or something?
No, thank you.
I'm just jotting down
a few notes.
Maybe I'll turn it into
a screenplay or something.
Oh, really? What about?
Just about when
I lost my virginity
and the girl I lost it to
was devoured by raccoons,
and then a whole
bunch of other people
were killed by raccoons, too
Including my best friend,
at a summer camp.
And then I was imprisoned for ten
years for underage consumption.
Okay.
First of all, that sounds
like a fucking shitty movie.
Second of all,
do you want some
nuts with your drink?
Or are you
already there?
No, I'm actually
allergic to nuts.
Shit, you better
get to the kitchen
and let the cooks know before
they start cooking dinner.
Almost all our food has nuts.
Hold on a second, hold on.
So you trying to tell me
that you're allergic to nuts?
And you want me
to take all the nuts
out of all the food
in the whole kitchen?
I mean, yeah,
If that's possible.
I just got out of jail and
I'd be happy to eat anything.
It just can't have nuts.
Yeah, sure!
If I just got out of prison,
I'd be sick of eating nuts, too!
Hurry, boys!
Train's a-comin!
Listen, I don t know how they do
it in jail, but I can't change
the menu of
an entire train car
just cause one jerk off's
got a nut allergy!
I mean, do you have
anything without nuts?
Yeah, actually.
No problem. I actually,
I got a new recipe for ya,
it's called, uh,
your momma's
fucking pussy juices!
You jail idiot!
What the hell
is going on?
Whoa, man!
Must have hit
the old rough tracks!
Seems like we're in for
a dark Christmas in the dark!
What the heck
is this?
I don't know!
He don't look like one of our boys.
Hey, what's going on here?
Garbage train
ran off the tracks.
Lots of people got
buried in the trash
Went home to the Lord.
What? There weren't
no garbage trains
coming through here.
Where are all the bodies?
Here!
Whoa, whoa, whoa, people!
Can't you see this
violence is poisoning
our children's minds!
God has given
us the engine.
All right, boys,
we have four minutes and twenty seconds.
Let's move!
Everybody to the back
of the train! On the double!
Don't make me
ask twice!
Gotta tweet!
Must tweet!
Gah! Ah! I have to tweet!
You gonna post this
on the Internet, newsman?
Get the hell out of here!
Everybody play it smart and put
the smart phones in the bag.
- Help!
- Help.
Merry Christmas!
Ho, ho!
Holy shit!
What the hell?
Looks like we got too
many cooks in the kitchen.
Get on it.
How the heck
did you do that?
And what was that thing?
It was a raccoon.
And this is
just the beginning.
Get down!
Looks like too many
chefs spoiled the soup.
We're all clear here.
Ranger Danger!
Merry Christmas.
Got ya a little present.
All right, let's move!
All aboard for the Lord.
Instead of Santa Claus coming
- down the chimney to give you gifts
- What the...
It's the government
busting down your door to take your kids!
Ladies and gentlemen,
wake up!
How can the same shit
happen to the same guy twice?
At least this time I know I bit
off something I can choo-choo.
Oh, my God.
Ranger Rick Danger!
Merry Christmas,
Agent Chunksworth.
Looks like you've just seen
the ghost of Christmas Past.
Or should I say,
summers past?
Shitsnakes, huh?
Agent Charlesworth.
Jones!
Looks like you've got yourself a
little bit of a raccoon problem.
Make yourselves comfortable
You want some music?
You guys like bands, right?
They said you were dead, Danger.
In fact, they said
you all were dead.
As any good scientist knows,
if no one sees a dead body,
then no one knows
if that body is dead for real.
Isn't that what
happened to you, too?
Now don't get me wrong,
we all got the shit
scratched out of us.
But it wasn't nothing
we couldn't handle.
We're not a bunch
of pussy college kids!
I think it's great you got
so rich and successful
training raccoons for the
military, but I guess you forgot
there were a few more of us who
knew the secrets of the campground.
I get to tell you
that we know all about
the secret satellite operated
by raccoons and that we want you
to give us the shriek command
codes so we can steal it!
What? How did you know?
You military guys
gotta stop leaving your secret
blueprints and files everywhere.
You never know who's gonna get
their dirty lil' paws on 'em
Looks like they're
all set up, Danger.
Great! Hold on just a second.
Merry Christmas Eve, folks.
This is your main bad guy,
Ranger Rick Danger speaking.
Welcome aboard
the Holiday Express.
Or as I like to call it,
Raccoon Railways.
We will only
be making express stops
and by express stops,
I mean one.
Ranger Rick Danger?
You've been loaded
onto the back of this train
for your own safety
and have probably noticed
the adorable,
but highly-deadly raccoons
with tiny wittle machine guns!
If you do anything
they don't like,
they are ready,
willing and able
to pull those
tiny triggers and kill ya!
These little furballs
are government trained killers
and we're all
here for revenge.
Revenge, huh?
Two can play
at that game.
Now, how about those shriek
command codes for PEN15?
We'll never give you the shriek
command codes, Danger!
And even if we did,
how are you going
to translate them
into raccoon sounds
without the voice
modulation masks?
All those are locked away
deep in a...
In a secret bunker just
outside Independence?
We know all about it,
Chumplesjunk.
Now, we know you'll do
whatever it takes
to keep us from scooping out
the love of your life's
cute lil' eyeball here
with this hot spoon.
Now while this spoon
appears to be harmless,
it's actually really super-hot!
And when we stick it
up to your lady's face,
it's gonna hurt!
And then when
we scoop out her eye,
she won't have
no eye anymore!
Now won't that be fucked up?
A-B-C.
One, two, three.
Don't worry my love,
he can't do anything
with the shriek command codes
without the voice
modulation masks.
Oh, really? Then why
is he doing all of this?
God, you are such
a dumb set of dick and balls!
He doesn't even have a way
to get the codes
to the PEN15 satellite.
They need to be entered into the bunker's
transcoding system simultaneously.
For God's sake, Woman!
Give him your code!
E-I-E-I-O.
Man, those are some
dumb codes!
Yep, we've known
all about your secret raccoon
space program
for some time now.
Wasn't too hard to figure out.
We even stole some of your
really cool satellite shit, too.
That satellite's a smaller version
of the one you have in the bunker,
and as long as we're on this
train, it'll work just fine.
So what are you
doing now, prick?
Oh, I'm just hacking
into the U.S. military's
top secret
raccoon-controlled satellite.
Ha! That's not possible.
Oh, no?
Skippy! Pippy!
You taught them English?
You gave them names?
.Yeah, it wasn't hard!
.And here we go!
Shitsnakes.
Oh, baby, we're in!
Daddy'd be so proud of me.
Oh, I forgot all about them.
Well, they've done
a lot of hard work today.
We'll let them go home
for the holidays.
- But you said...
- Move it, Chester!
Jones, Billington, please!
You don't realize
what you're doing!
We used to be colleagues!
We used to fight
these raccoons together!
Those were the days
before you sold out!
Oh, I'm dead for real now.
Right this way, m'lady!
Don't call me your lady.
That's the language
of the patriarchy!
Would saying
"ladies first" be sexist?
Yes, it would!
Okay, great
Ladies first!
Jesus!
While the rest of the world
was going digital,
we made the PEN15
work for us by analog.
You can put a bunch of
shriek command codes on here,
or just a bunch
of raccoon porn.
With all the satellite's
operating data
stored on this VHS tape,
no one can hack into our system.
Unless they've got
two VCRs,
which is pretty fucking rare.
Oh, boy!
Looks like we got
some shriek command codes
to blow some shit up!
Okay, Danger.
Ticklesturd and the woman
are both dead for real,
got the hostages in
the back of the train.
We better make
sure these little fellas
have it under control.
I don't want any boo-boos.
Okay, boys and girls.
Let's get it started in here!
What the freak is going on?
PEN15 missing!
PEN15 can't be found!
Tammy, get me
a freaking report!
The space
thingy's gone bye-bye!
What do you mean?
What bye-bye?
PEN15!
Bring it up on the screen.
We can't! It's like somebody
stole it or something!
Oh, goddamnit! We were
almost out of here for the holidays!
Okay, here's
what we do.
We're going to go
to Code Crazy status,
we re gonna call Tom Puncher,
Agent Charlesworth
and Agent Woman
as soon as possible.
Yes, sir!
Mr. Jones, Dr. Billington
The military's top secret raccoon-controlled
satellite belongs to us now.
Oh, God!
Come on, get in there!
Oh, man! I thought
you were one of those
ugly beavers man,
with the guns!
What are you doing
out there?
Oh, you know...
...just hanging out.
- What's behind that door?
- No, wait, wait!
There's a bunch of those rodents out
there, man! Don t open it!
What, are you trying to
become otter food or something?
They're not otters,
they're not beavers.
They're raccoons.
And they're smart ones.
Hold on.
How do you know that?
Story of my life.
Do we have all our rich foreign
clients online yet, Mr. Jones?
Yep! We got Iran, Russia
and North Korea now on the line.
Gentlemen, how are ya?
Riding camels,
drinking vodka and me so horny?
No, but seriously folks,
I'm going to show you what the U.S.
military's been hiding from ya.
I know many of you have a hard
time understanding the concept
of a high-powered,
raccoon-operated satellite
and let's face it,
who the fuck can blame ya?
But do me a favor and keep a
close eye on the city of Cannes
for the next few minutes.
What the hell is going on?
Oh, hey there Tom.
Nothing.
We're locked out of the system
for the moment.
I thought we
were the system!
Anything from Agent Charlesworth
or Agent Woman yet?
Negative, sir.
Now this is
where it gets fun.
Jones, you ever been to France?
Nah, I always heard it was
a bunch of liberal pussies!
Well, you wouldn't be wrong,
but it's also full of a bunch of
wine-addicted people
who are gonna have to
get a whole lot drunker
this Christmas
when their prize film city
gets blown away
with a raccoon operated
laser satellite!
Look, man,
I can't die here, okay?
I'm sick and tired of
these motherfucking coons
on this motherfucking train!
You mean raccoons, right?
Of course!
What else would I mean?
Double A! You're not
going to die on this train!
Trust me, I was once like you.
I lost the girl I loved and my
best friend to these raccoons,
but I grew up,
I fought back and I won.
And if I can do it,
you can, too.
Now, is there some way
to contact the outside world
on this train?
Like a pay phone?
Uh, pay phone? You know we could
just try to get my smart phone.
I mean,
they took everything else,
but mine's in my bag
in the passenger car.
I'm sorry,
a what phone?
A smart phone?
I mean, it's one of the most important
pieces of technology in the last ten years?
Oh, right
You've been in jail
the last ten years.
Now watch this, Jones.
I'm about to turn Cannes into
"Can't be found on the map!"
Because it's about
to drop into the sea.
Yeah, I got it.
That's a good one.
Skippy! Pippy! Do it!
There it is!
We got it back!
Oh, thank Christ.
I'm going back
to the whorehouse.
What the freak?
Okay, so after I'm able
to use the tiny keyboard
on the "smart phone," I'll be
able to find social media?
Yeah, man. But look, never try to type
while driving. You know what I'm saying?
That's partly why I hit a
raccoon ten years ago with my car
- and ended up in jail!
- Wait a minute
We do know each other!
I got arrested that same
night in Independence!
Oh, my God.
You hit the momma raccoon
that night and saved us.
You do know
how to fight these raccoons.
But this time,
we're not going to jail for it.
This time,
we're gonna win.
Destroyed buildings,
burning baguettes,
thousands of rolls
of film on fire.
France is about to look
like a World War II movie.
It's processing
the shriek command codes!
I can't make it
go offey!
My God, they're
targeting Cannes!
It's going
into arming mode!
Shut it off,
goddammit!
They left me for dead,
threw me to the raccoons,
said I couldn't fill
my daddy's shoes!
They're activating a
full scale seismic blast!
Freaking shut it down!
The abort shriek commands
aren't going through!
No one's gonna laugh at the name
Ranger Rick Danger this year,
or ever again!
Shitsnakes?
What does that even mean?
That's something Ranger
Rick Danger used to say.
Call General Apathy at the
Pentagon as soon as possible.
Actually, General Apathy is in
Independence this weekend.
He was here
for the holidays.
Tell him Santa Claus
is stuck in a freaking chimney.
Now, gentlemen, as you can see,
our high powered,
raccoon-operated
satellite is fully operational.
Now that was just a
little present for Christmas Eve.
Our big old gift
under a Christmas tree
is called the Denver
International Airport,
where the U.S. government built
a top secret military bunker
that they won't even
tell their citizens about!
With the PEN15,
we can take out the bunker,
split the Rocky Mountains in two and
divide the United States forever.
The fee for this
convenient empire removal?
One gazillion dollars!
One gazillion dollars?
I just, I just made up
a number, I...
Ah, shit.
What the hell is all this?
I don't know, General.
And I bet Congress
doesn't know either.
Generals! Thanks
so much for coming.
Uh, and happy holidays.
Shut up, Mr. Secretary.
What's really going
on around here?
And don't tell
me it's one of those
food stamp phone
bank deals either.
That's a funny one, sir.
Okay, bring up
the data images.
So, sir, what we're looking at
up here is PEN15,
a brand new, recently
launched laser satellite
that's part of our
raccoon weapons program.
It's operated by raccoons
and can only be communicated
with via raccoon sounds.
I've seen bigger, but what
the hell does this thing do?
It's fancy
Pentagon speech, General.
It's one of those
Tesla earthquake machines.
I thought they canned it,
but those clowns got funding through
the Secretary's dumb raccoon program.
I thought we shut that down!
The CIA financed the project.
What? You're telling me
that your raccoon weapons
program went into space?
So, General,
here's the problem.
The raccoons at the moment are being controlled
by somebody else and we can't stop it.
My God. The earthquake
that hit Cannes?
We already have a disinformation
campaign in full swing, General.
We're blaming it
on fracking.
Fracking? What
the frack is fracking?
I guess that's what we should
expect from the CIA these days!
Okay, we are now going
into Code Lunacy status, folks.
So let's find this
raccoon satellite now!
Jesus, this keyboard
is tiny.
Did someone leave
a smartphone on back there?
Why don't you furballs go
in there and it check out!
Oh, I should
probably be careful
wearing a hoodie
around here.
Say there Billy boy,
will you go check on
the lil' guy I sent
back to the sleeping car?
He might need
a lil' human help.
Sure thing.
Okay, Danger, looks like they're
ready to call the bunker.
Fuck, yeah! Time to say Merry
Christmas to the Mayor, boys.
Oh, man! Where'd you get
that tiny machine gun?
From a little friend.
Did you find
any weapons?
Naw, man, I just found
this hoodie and a sandwich.
And I ate the sandwich.
Hey, any luck
with my smartphone?
It wasn't easy, but if I was
able to use that tiny keyboard
then you can use
this tiny machine gun.
Hold it like that
You might need to pull the
trigger with your pinky finger.
Aw, come on, man,
my fingers aren't that chubby.
Something's afoot!
What's up?
How are you?
Now, who the hell
is that?
My God, that's
Ranger Rick Danger!
Well, technically not a Ranger
anymore, Mr. Mayor,
or should I say Mr. Secretary,
since you fired me ten years ago
and tossed me away.
As you can see,
I've survived
and taken the time to learn all the
neat weapons you left on the campground,
including the raccoons!
And at this point,
you're probably wondering
how we took control
of the PEN15!
I wish Agent Chumpleshirt
and his lady friend
could tell you all about it,
but unfortunately,
they're dead for real now.
Come on!
I'm knobbing
as fast I can!
And since you guys probably
know where PEN15 fired from,
you think you're
gonna find it real soon.
Jones!
That little furball we sent to
the sleeping car is missing!
Missing?
Where'd he go?
I don't know! I don't have
the slightest idea!
As you can see by
PEN15's little demo today,
your high-powered raccoon-operated
satellite works like a dream.
And now I'm going to use it and
make it work like a nightmare.
In 40 minutes,
when the PEN15 is in place,
I'm gonna use it to hit Denver
with a 9,999 percent blast!
Y'all like blasts, right?
Well, I'm going to use it
to blow up the secret bunker
you say isn't
under the Denver airport.
Son of a bitch!
There'll be destruction,
desolation and dang it!
They'll have
to redo all the maps.
And you thought
the country was divided now.
Oh, and one more thing.
I was always a pretty
sweet Ranger.
And my daddy
was a good Ranger, too.
And when the raccoons
took over the campground,
you didn't give me what I
needed to take care of them.
You betrayed me,
Mr. Mayor.
You betrayed your country,
and now the raccoons
are coming home to roost.
Until we meet again.
Assholes!
Oh, Jesus Christ!
Can somebody tell me
what "dos vidaniya" means?
- Where do you think he went?
- I don t know!
I'll go
check the kitchen.
Can somebody
please let me know
if we can track down this Danger
guy before he blows up Denver?
Maybe we should
check the Moscow airport.
Well, sir, the fact of the
matter is we have to look through
the entire Earth's
atmosphere to find this thing.
It's going to be tough.
Maybe we could
find it in the sky!
What? What are you
talking about?
I mean, the satellite thingy's
in the sky
and then we should
probably be looking in the sky,
cause that's where
the satellite thingy was,
you know?
Oh, okay.
Sounds good,
I buy it.
So where should we go?
I need to get to the front of this
train and see if I can stop it.
You harness that
energy you had ten years ago
when you hit that
momma raccoon.
I know you can do it!
You know
what this is?
This is what my
friend Casey gave me.
He said he killed
the raccoon himself.
That's right. I remember him
saying something about that.
I thought he was crazy,
but maybe he was
on to something.
Exactly! He can
fight these raccoons,
no matter
how cute they seem.
Boys, it looks like there might
be a surprise in Santa's sack.
Fellas, let's do
a double check.
Fireworks and Wet Naps?
We find anything yet?
Checking now.
The Lord has blessed
us with clearance up here.
Did you check the
whole goddamn thing?
Oh, my! I wish he wouldn't
use language like that.
Will one of you boys
go check back there?
God! He's up here
in the engine!
Jones, we're getting
hit hard up here!
Goddamn!
I'm on my way.
God has nothing
to do with this.
Any day now, gentlemen.
This is most unpleasant.
Come on, Doc!
Oh, yeah.
Pippy got him!
Motherfucker
fell under the engine!
Check the wheels!
She got him.
Danger, our stowaway
has been exterminated.
You sure, Jones?
Doc says he went
under the wheels.
By now, the bastard's
reindeer meat.
Goddamn.
That was
fucking frustrating.
Whoever that brave
motherfucker is,
he just took out a bunch
of our best raccoons.
All right, come on.
Jones, I thought you said you trained
these raccoons to be killing machines.
I trained these furballs
to be computer geniuses
and they're doing
a great fucking job.
They do pretty good against people
who never fought raccoons before,
but it's like this guy
has actually fought raccoons.
But where? And when?
And what the goddamn hell
was he doing on this train?
Jones was a pest
removal expert and avid hunter
from Independence whose
body was also never found.
He had inside knowledge
of the campground
and knew how to handle
any weapon.
Well, as usual, General, the CIA
isn't giving you the full story.
In addition to
Jones and Danger
and the now-probably-
dead-for-real Agent Charlesworth,
the other experts
at Raccoon Creek ten years ago
were the local pastor,
Reverend Pookie and Dr. Billington
from the campground's clinic.
Their bodies
were also never found.
Well sure, everybody knows
a number of the victims
were never found,
but that was all part of
the cover up, right?
We have to make sure that nobody
found out about this stuff.
Oh. Right, Mr. Secretary.
And your secret raccoon
weapons program
has been fucking everything
up for everybody ever since!.
And your point?
Jesus, get outta here,
will ya?
If these guys were hanging around
Raccoon Creek the last ten years,
they probably know
everything we've been doing.
They know the campground
better than anybody
and they probably
have chips on their shoulders.
A phone charger?
Goddamn!
Oh, man, you're hit!
You think this
is getting hit?
This ain't getting hit.
Those bullets are so tiny,
I honestly have no idea
how so many
people have died.
Looks like I need
a password for access.
I'll just try to crack
a few programs.
Now, let's see
what we've got.
Oh, looks like one of the
porters from the train.
Looks like he accessed
his social media account
off of some wifi in the area
and he sent a message...
to my old deputy.
Shane?
And we're gonna need turkey and
B-sprouts for Christmas dinner.
And get fruit. I love fruit!
But not that kind of fruit.
I think we're about there,
deep in the Appalachians.
Shit, we're in for a dark
Christmas in the dark.
We're gonna be
without roads, radio,
wifi or any kind of contact with
the outside world for three hours.
Jesus.
I hope I did the Social Media good
enough to get a message through to Shane.
'Cause if not, we're the
only ones who can stop them.
How are you with VCRs?
Wait a minute.
The message isn't
signed by the porter.
It says, "Sincerely, Casey
Smallwood, also formerly known as Ty
and yes it really is me,
this is not a joke."
Smallwood?
The name sounds familiar.
Yeah, it sounds
really familiar.
Say, wasn't that the college
student everyone thought
killed the raccoon
ten years ago?
Oh, yeah!
Tom. Tom Smallwood!
Didn't he try
to fight the raccoons
with that old hippie
that lived in the forest?
Jeff Tuck? You think he's
not dead for real either?
No way! We would've
seen him by now.
Besides, that old hippie used
to just poop in the woods
and bone animals.
- Okay.
- What? What?
But seriously, if this Smallwood
kid isn't dead for real
and he has experience
fighting the raccoons,
he is literally the one person
we don't want on this train!
Say, Billy boy.
When you looked under
the train for the stowaway,
did you actually
see the body?
Well, I saw
some train tracks
and some blood
and I just presumed.
Presumption is
the father of all boo-boos!
I'm sorry!
Just, no more slapping.
With all the scars on my face and
the missing chunks and what not.
I want all hands
and paws on deck!
I want this train
searched left side,
right side, inside, outside,
from floor to ceiling!
We will not be
defeated by Smallwoods!
Come on!
You really think this
Smallwood kid is still alive?
I mean, until someone sees a
corpse that's dead for real,
I'll always think it's possible,
especially given our situation.
Okay.
Then why the fuck
is he on this train?
Pull up the passenger list.
Let's see if he was
with anyone else.
You don t think he was
on here with Tuck, do you?
Or that Arab?
There's only one
way to find out. Print it!
So what are you
gonna look for? Tuck?
- Some Arab?
- I don't know
But a man who fights raccoons
wouldn't leave his plus-one
unprotected in a situation like this.
Oh, snap,
fifteen missed notifications?
Ooh, who's this
grande latte?
O-M-G.
Jesus.
Aunt Sally's mittens!
Let us know
if you smell any... fear.
- What's he looking for?
- I don't know.
Hopefully not me.
I have an idea.
So what do we do now?
What do we do now?
Oh, we're gonna make
a little Christmas cocktail.
What's your name,
young lady?
Anderson. Andy Anderson.
Sounds made up!
And...
Nope, it's not on the list.
I work on the train,
at the bar.
And you don't have
a uniform like Shelley here?
Changed out of it when
you guys took over the train.
So how is this
supposed to work?
We just need to put a little
fire into these works.
What?
We just need
to shake it off.
Man, stop speaking
in song lyrics.
Well, well, well.
Who gave this to ya?
Might not be a good idea
to wear that around these boys.
Wow, you're a brave
little motherfucker.
You're gonna need a lot more
than tasers to hurt us, though.
Our bodies are mostly
scar-tissue at this point,
and that just feels tingly.
Hey, leave her alone!
Man, that doesn't
even make sense.
It'll make sense when
I charge my way to victory.
You ready to hit eject?
Imagine a fire pit
along the Rocky Mountains.
It's gonna be like
a big ol' hot tub.
Goddamn small dick!
Shitsnakes!
We've lost PEN15!
I got the golden
VHS tape!
Nice! Now let's
get to the baggage car!
He took the golden VHS tape.
I can't do anything without it!
Come on! We're almost there!
He's headed for the baggage car
in the back of the train.
Don't shoot him.
He's got the VHS tape.
Oh!
They're off the train!
Pookie, stop the train!
Sure thing, Jones.
Let's give these boys a break!
Okay, Reverend,
take us back.
Right. Okay.
Later on!
This train might as well
be a toy going around
a Christmas tree
without that VHS tape.
Couldn't you just have
made some other copies?
Yeah, I...
I definitely
could've done that.
Let's latch on here.
Be a doll and just
wait right here, would ya?
Okay, here we go.
It's the chubby porter!
Go get him!
Danger! Jones! It appears
Smallwood has an accomplice.
It's the chubby porter
with the smart phone.
He's getting
away with the golden VHS tape!
Well,
don't shoot the chub chub.
We can't let
anything happen to it.
I bet you want that golden VHS
tape, don't ya?
Well, too bad.
It's down there.
Where'd the chubby
porter go?
I don't know! A few cars
down that way.
Oh, shit, man!
Hands up. Don't shoot, man!
Come on, look what do you want,
the golden VHS, man?
Look, man,
I dropped it somewhere.
Like, I think it's under
the train or something, man.
Come on, brother,
all I got is your coon ass!.
Ho! There goes
the chubby porter.
Goddamn!
Oh, shit!
Okay, Reverend.
Take us to Washington,
full steam.
Aw, no!
Well, I guess
your small dick buddy
wasn't as good
as I thought.
Okay, Danger,
you're back in the game.
Now make
that banana split.
Goddamn it, Casey.
Maybe
I am still Ty.
I'd take you
over Charlie any day.
Tuck?
Okay, ladies and germs,
we're back online.
And it looks like we
didn't lose anything vital
for splitting
the country in two.
Let's do it.
I'm locking PEN15
into Denver now.
The mile high city will be
a cloud of weed smoke
in 20 minutes.
Ah! Looks like that Danger piece
of shit started another countdown!
But I thought
you were dead for real!
Oh, come on, man. Everyone else
ain't dead for real, why not me, bro?
But how?
Well, I survived the big
fireworks explosion,
then I just kept living in
the woods like I always did.
Then the Mayor and U.S.
military turned the campground
into a big weapons facility to
harness the power of the raccoons.
Then it turns out Ranger Danger
and those jerkholes weren't dead
for real either,
so I just laid low,
kept tabs on everybody,
and then when they made their move,
I made mine, man.
I, uh, kept pretty good
track of everybody so far,
but, uh, then I had to stop
and uh, get a little high.
Oh, Tuck,
I missed you, man!
Oh, man, all right, okay.
Those raccoons from
ten years ago, they're back!
They just attacked that train
and Ranger Danger and his
expert friends were there, too.
- You were right!
- Yeah, of course, man!
It's a big raccoon military
experiment gone wrong.
I have literally been
trying to say that for decades.
Come on, Tuck!
You taught me how to fight raccoons,
don't you want
to catch them?
I mean, you're here,
I'm here.
We're so close! You think
this is just a coincidence?
Oh, God. I'm so sorry, dude.
That was so gross.
No, that's my bad.
I should've expected that.
Dude, I totally
remember you, man!
We fought those
raccoons ten years ago, man.
That was a great time!
You're, uh,
you're Ty, right?
Yeah, that's me.
Now let's get on that train.
How did
you get here?
Oh, yeah, I actually have
a mode of transportation
that's a lot faster
with two people.
You in?
Of course!
What do I have to do?
I mean, I haven't
driven in like, ten years.
Oh, man, you don't need to drive.
How's your arm strength?
Pretty good.
I did just get out of the pen.
Oh, yeah? You been,
uh, jerking it?
I was gonna say doing
a lot of pull ups, but yeah.
I was jerking it
quite a bit.
Well, man, let's pull and
jerk our way to victory, baby!
- Let's do it!
- Let's do it.
Sir! Shane from the very popular
restaurant in Independence is on the phone.
Shane?
Shane was another one of my
Rangers ten years ago, General.
Really? Does he know about the
raccoons as well, Mr. Secretary?
You know,
I certainly hope not.
He's one of those people I sent
to a conversion therapy camp.
So the result is
he's not very gay now,
he's forgotten about the
raccoons, got a super-hot wife,
nice restaurant.
We should be good to go.
Okay, I get it. It doesn't
matter if he used to be gay.
Don't ask, don't tell.
Sir, that's actually
not a policy anymore.
We need to hurry.
This is about the last train
that left from Independence
to Washington today.
The last train
to Washington?
Agent Woman
was on that train!
That's it, warrior! Harness
that prison jerkin power, baby.
Hello? Is the former
mayor of Independence there?
Well, hi there, Shane!
Yeah, although, hey, for the record,
I am now the Secretary of Defense.
Oh, right! Thanks again
for everything you've done for me
and the city of
Independence, sir.
Yeah, no prob, Shane!
Hey, we're in the middle of a
little situation here, what's up?
I have a Social Media
sent to me
by the train porter
on the Holiday Express.
Please tell the former
Mayor of Independence
that whoever's in charge
of the secret weapon program
at Raccoon Creek that their
experiment's gone terribly wrong.
Over 25 raccoons and former ranger
Rick Danger of Raccoon Creek
hijacked the last Holiday
Express to Washington today.
This group includes other
experts who helped Ranger Danger
fight the raccoons at
Raccoon Creek ten years ago.
They also have a bunch of high tech
satellite equipment or something.
High tech satellite
equipment or something?
That's them!
I couldn't figure out
Social Media and this dude
works on the train and he's
from ten years ago, too!
O-M-G smiley face.
O-M-G indeed!
Get me the location
of the Holiday Express.
Roger that, General!
Who sent the
Social Media message?
Well, it was sent to me by the train porter
on the Holiday Express who goes by Double A,
but it was actually
my friend Ty Smallwood.
Smallwood?
Why does that name
sound so familiar?
We fought the raccoons
together at Raccoon Creek
before you had him locked up
for underage drinking.
Oh! Right.
Come on!
Pump that juice, baby!
What is the closest air base
to the Holiday Express?
Probably our secret
Appalachian base, sir.
Great! Let's get some planes
to go after that train, hm?
Sir! There's over 100
innocent people on that train.
I know. But this country's
gonna be split in two
if this small dick kid
can't stop these raccoons
Scramble the fighters.
Yes, sir!
General, I really like
where your head is at.
We can wipe out Danger,
the Smallwood kid
and a bunch of raccoons
all at once.
Shut the fuck up,
Mr. Secretary!
We're in this mess
because of you.
Now get your bureaucratic
ass the hell out of here.
Move!
Oh, and you're fired!
Why the hell did I
get back on this train?
There it is!
Let's hit it!
Sorry about your
small dick friend, missy.
As I learned
ten years ago,
college kids and raccoons
just don't mix.
Have a tendency to make pretty
girls like you just disappear.
The raccoons chewed
off my balls ten years ago.
You're gonna have to do a lot better
than that to get a rise out of me.
Jones, leave her alone.
You wouldn't want to piss off
her small dick boyfriend again.
He's not my boyfriend.
Yeah, he's not
her boyfriend.
Besides, small dick is dead.
Oh, yeah?
Did you see his body?
Because, you know,
that's kind of why
we're all here.
Presumption is
the father of all boo-boos.
Well, he might
be dead,
he might be alive,
but there's no way he's on this train.
And there's no way he's
getting back on this train
in some crazy,
unrealistic fashion!
Okay! Just get me on
the back of the train
then you go for help!
Do it, Ty! I'll meet ya
again later down the line.
Okay, Tuck.
I'm going to do it!
That's it, baby!
Hendrix! Hendrix!
Get me an evacuation
order for Denver.
Just the bunker, sir?
What about the city?
Oh, forget the city,
they're all stoned!
They'll freak out.
Hey, Independence Whorehouse?
Yeah, it's Tom.
Can I get extra
happy endings tonight?
I should've just
lived in the woods.
Drop the tiny
machine gun, chubby!
Well, I gotta
hand it to ya.
You college kids sure did
give us a run for our money.
Hey, I'm not in college, man.
Oh, I'm sorry!
Was that not sensitive?
Was that not PC?
Oh, it was very PC.
As in pretty clear
you're gonna die, dickhead.
Ain't that right, brother?
I'm dead
for real now.
Damn, that was dope, bro!
Let's go kick
some more coon ass!
Great! Praise Allah
to you too.
All right, boys,
we've got a gazillion dollars
waiting for us in the Bahamas.
We just gotta
catch a ride off of here
and blow the shit
out of Denver!
Stay tuned for this country
being fucked right in half.
Arrangements have been made
for everyone to get picked up
in long black cars
in Washington.
Long black cars and fire trucks
and ambulances.
There's a common axiom
which every good camper knows.
When in doubt,
take the shortcut.
Looks like things are about to
get a little off track.
Wait, the old logging factory isn't
on the same side it usually is.
We usually go around
this town on the other side.
We're not even on
the right tracks to Washington.
Jesus! It looks like we're
headed to Washington, all right.
The Washington Canyon.
The bridge is out and we're
headed straight for it.
If we don't stop this thing,
everyone's gonna die.
Wait, you're not going to let
these raccoons screw
you over again, are you?
No.
Not this time.
That's the Washington Canyon.
It's been a dead end
on the tracks for years.
Unfortunately, they're
headed right for it.
Can we contact them?
Not as long as they're in for
a dark Christmas in the dark.
There's no reception
up there,
especially at night.
Come in,
Independence.
We are approaching
the target.
- General Negligence?
- Yes, sir?
Authorize the planes to fire.
Yes, sir.
Roger that.
We're going in!
Sweet mother of shit,
forgive us.
There's something coming in.
What? They found us?
Because of Tom
fucking small cock?
Can't you just shoot it
down with the satellite?
Shitsnakes, no!
I can't do that.
I got PEN15
locked on Denver.
Wait a minute.
If the planes are slow enough,
I could target them.
There they are.
See? Told ya you could
shoot it down.
That's why I said that.
Shh!
We're the good guys.
I'm sorry, Mr. Raccoon.
I was just touching up my boobies.
Titties?
Breasteseses.
Shitsnakes, Mr. Pilot.
Where are all
the passengers?
They must be on
the passenger car.
Let's double team it
in the rear!
They shot down
one of the planes!
Son of a bitch!
Goddamn Smallwood!
I've got
the target on lock.
Ready to fire
on your command.
Shitsnakes times two.
Get me the President!
Hello? A raccoon
weapons program?
Cut the program,
put it into school lunches,
Where's the bunker?
I'm on my way.
Jane! Slippers!
Ranger Rick Danger.
Tom Smallwood?
It's Ty. I'm coming
for Darlene
and then I'm coming
for you and your raccoons.
You better hurry or these
raccoons are going to do to her
what they did
to her sister.
Ya! Gotta keep
'em separated!
Double A,
what are you doing?
I'm coming with
you to finish this!
Ready to be a warrior, huh?
Hell, yeah!
I learned from the best.
Oh, my golly,
we're free!
Oh, my golly,
I can use my smartphone!
Hey, hey, hey
No one else can have this story,
this is Dick Weener's story.
No one else can
have a smartphone!
Ow!
Ow! An electric shock
I can't fuck with!
You stupid old broad,
you've ruined my career!
Amen to that, Dick!
Now, I'm gonna assume we
haven't seen the Doc in a while
because he went
for a brisk walk or something.
Are you sure you can
handle Tom Small Dick?
Can I handle him?
Skippy? You're my number one...
raccoon!
Now you think
I can handle him?
Go get 'em.
I'd take you boys
over Charlie any day!
Who the hell is that?
It's Tuck! Get on there and
help him jerk that thing off.
What?
I mean, you know,
help him pump it!
What are you gonna do?
I'm gonna get Darlene.
Attention Ranger
Rick Danger!
You've got yourself
a warrior problem
and it ain't you and him.
Jeff Tuck? I thought
you were dead for real,
you old crackhead!
Looks like two can
play at that game, Danger.
Presumptions are
the father of all boo-boos.
Pippy! Go get
Kent State on that hippie!
Come on, man!
Get that thing closer.
Huh?
Oh, boy!
Ha-ha! There ya go!
Whoo! That's it, baby!
All right, Ty.
Best Christmas Eve ever.
I'll worry about
Tyler little dick.
You worry about
splitting this country in two.
Got it?
Not gonna lie, Jones.
You're going a little crazy.
You, you want
a tranquilizer or something?
No.
Bullets. I need bullets.
Okay. As long as my Santa
satellites keep the U.S. military
busy long enough,
I'll blow up Denver without you.
Have fun killing
drunk college kids.
I've got a country
to split in two
and a gazillion dollars
to pick up in the Bahamas.
Looks like this is gonna
take some super strength.
Howdy, warrior!
You know how to pump it?
Oh, yeah.
I've been to prison.
Great, the President
is pissed!
Which means we
and the American
public are fucked!
Can't let you go anywhere.
You're my little hostage.
You know, a lot
of dumb college kids
died on that campground
ten years ago.
The fact
this Smallwood kid didn't
kinda makes me
respect him.
He really is a brave
motherfucker.
You know,
I do remember you.
And I sure hope you know
what you're doing, small dick.
Or else your little
girlfriend here is gonna die,
just like her sister.
I'm not his girlfriend.
Yeah, she's not
my girlfriend.
I lost my virginity to her
sister ten years ago,
while she was
being killed by a raccoon.
Holy shit!
That's how
my sister died?
Uh, yeah, I was gonna,
I was gonna...
Ye... I was gonna tell you,
but some things came up.
And I'm-I'm sorry.
You might be able to take out
a bunch of raccoons,
but can you fight a real man?
Hang on to that grenade,
sugar tits.
You might
need it later.
Ugh! You are so the patriarchy.
Not bad, small dick.
But you know what they say.
It's not the size,
it's how you use it.
Goddamn!
Bring it on,
you furry fuck!
Harder!
Harder! Harder!
Harder! Harder!
Goddamn!
I actually don't
have balls.
Uh, the raccoons
gnawed 'em off.
Where'd you learn this,
the NYPD?
No. Raccoon Creek Campground,
motherfucker!
I'm dead, for real.
Later on.
Don't drop that.
Come on.
Well, I'm going to presume
everything is just fine back there.
I hope you're all having
a happy Christmas Eve!
Independence isn't what it used to
be, but then again,
this whole country isn't about
to be what it used to be.
As long as I've got
my golden VHS tape,
inside this here VCR,
that's all I need.
Now if you excuse me,
I must dis-board
this train
before it makes a stop inside
of Washington Canyon.
Wait, if you keep moving,
I'll just drop this grenade.
Kill us all.
Well, shitsnakes.
Go ahead!
Still no response to our abort
shriek command codes, sir!
What the hell
are shriek command codes?
Oh, Tom Smallwood.
Shooting me
won't do anything.
The U.S. military can't get
past my Santa satellites
and you can't stop my
high tech VHS programming.
Seriously? There's nothing I
can do to shut that thing down?
Nope! You might as well
just drop that gun right now.
Fuck! I'm sorry, Darlene.
Looks like I failed again.
Just like I failed your sister.
Access to PEN15 restored!
We have regained
control of PEN15, sir!
Shitsnakes! Didn't
think of that one.
Sorry, daddy.
Kill it!
What's this? An end
that's dead for real?
Good God!
Now I'm dead for real!
Okay, stop pumping.
It won't stop!
Oh, boy.
Uh, everybody jump!
Woah!
Tom teeny peeny!
Ranger Danger?
You haven't won yet, small dick.
You dumb college kids
will never again
laugh at the name
of Ranger Rick Danger.
Shitsnakes! I'm dead
for real now, daddy!
Coon-bye-yah,
motherfucker!
Looks like you bit off exactly
what you could choo-choo.
Nice going, warrior.
I knew you could do it.
You're not a winner.
You're not a loser.
And you're not a Casey.
You're a Ty.
Thanks, kid.
Hey, guys, look this is really all
heartwarming, but what the fuck is that?
Ring-tailed
rodent piece of shit!
Your dead sister
would be proud.
Whoa, whoa. You sure you
know how to use that thing?
I think I got
the hang of it.
Hey, you boys gonna eat this?
It's all yours!
Woo-whee! Gonna be a good Christmas
dinner this year!
Smartphone!
Get me the secret
military base in Independence.
Generals, there's
a message coming in
I'll patch it through.
Hello, Independence?
This is Casey Sm... This is Ty.
Ty Smallwood.
His last name means
small penis either way.
Ranger Danger and his
cronies are dead for real now.
The raccoons have been destroyed
and the hostages are safe.
Come on, open! Open up,
you son of a bitch, open!
All right, what the hell is
going on? You woke me up!
Mr. President,
it all worked out.
Well, that's good,
because it's Christmas.
Yeah! Yeah!
♪ Hark the herald angels sing
♪ Glory to the newborn king
♪ Peace on Earth...
It's good to have
you back, Ty.
It's good to be back.
Hey, I really enjoyed
fighting raccoons with you
and I know
that I lost my virginity
to your dead sister
ten years ago,
but I was wondering if you'd
wanna hang out sometime?
I mean, I don't know
if you're into older guys.
Uh, I actually
am into older guys.
Oh, cool, really?
Yeah, but like, much older.
In fact, I kinda
met someone.
- What's up, bro?
- Tuck?
It's always an honor to fight
raccoons alongside a warrior like you.
Next time you need me,
I'll always pop up.
Uh, sure, yeah.
So, uh, you ever get
high in a tree before?
Uh, no. But that sounds
pretty awesome.
Far out!
Merry Christmas, brother.
Merry Christmas, you guys.
What about you, Shelley?
Do you have plans tonight?
Oh, yeah.
With everything
that's happened,
Double A and I have
gotten a lot closer,
and we've decided to take
our professional relationship
to a more personal level.
Thanks for everything, warrior.
Yes, God bless us, everyone.
.Merry Christmas, you guys!
Well, Janine,
turns out you were
always the only girl for me.
Looks like it's just us again.
Yep, just us.