Kid Colter (1985) - full transcript

( computer beeping )

Computer voice: Hello, Justin. This is the Oracle.

What is your question for today?

Computer voice: Yes... no... probably.

( beeping )

Doubtful.

Ask again later.

Justin, come on, honey. Please finish your packing.

We have to get going soon.

( car horn honks )

( honking )



Well, there's the taxi.

Okay, now here's your train ticket. Please don't lose it.

How come I have to take the train?

Why can't I just fly?

You know I don't like to fly. it scares me.

But you're not going, mom.

Don't confuse the issue.

Well, shall we go?

( latches suitcase )

What do you have in there? bricks?

I tossed in a couple books.

Right, the entire Boston public library.

I'll get it.

Overhead speaker: ...track train number seven,



the Empire Builder, leaving for Seattle

with intermediate stops at Syracuse, Toledo,

Chicago, Milwaukee,

St. Paul, Minneapolis, Fargo,

Spokane and Portland,

is now boarding on track number 12.

Well, you be careful out there.

And don't do anything dangerous.

Don't go-- go climbing any tall trees

or falling off any cliffs.

And don't get eaten by any bears.

All right, mom. I won't.

And don't fall in any rivers and drown.

- and don't-- - okay, mom.

Now tell me, what can I do?

( chuckles ) Well...

Have a wonderful time. Enjoy yourself.

No, I mean it. This teacher's strike isn't going to last forever.

And when it's over, your father's going to send you right back here.

And then it's back to the old grind.

It's all right, mom. You don't have to cheer me up.

And tell your father

that I...

That I send my love.

Man: All aboard!

I will.

( groans )

( horn blowing )

What's wrong?

( whispering ) Don't look now,

but those people over there...

Mm?

They're spies.

Right.

Spies.

( horn blowing )

Hi, dad.

You're looking good, pal.

So are you. What you been doing?

Oh, nothing much. The usual, just hanging out.

How come you're all wet?

Oh, I just jumped out of the shower.

The shower?

Hey, you keep getting bigger all the time, don't you?

Actually, I think I got smaller last year.

Smaller?

Yeah, by a couple inches.

I think I might be turning into the incredible shrinking kid.

This sounds serious, son.

Maybe we better get you a burger, some fries and a chocolate shake?

Good idea. before I disappear completely.

I'll get your suitcase.

( groans )

- bricks? - books.

Big books.

- heavy reading. - ( chuckles )

( squawking )

Father: Computer camp?

What do you do there? Take long hikes with your printer

and sleep out under the stars with your floppy disc?

It's not really a camp. They just call it that.

- how long? - six weeks.

Practically the whole summer.

Mm.

- what's that? - oh, what?

That building over there with the high fence?

Oh, that's the TS.C. Lab.

Tomar-southridge corporation.

They make photo reconnaissance satellites.

Satellites? You mean like spy satellites?

Yeah, I guess something like that.

It's supposed to be very top secret,

hush-hush stuff going on there.

But everybody around here knows that's what they're doing.

Cool.

( birds chirping )

This is great, dad.

Just like you described it.

Yeah, it's got everything-- running water, electricity, you name it.

Wow, what a lake.

Oh no.

( rustling, animals chattering )

( phone ringing )

Yeah?

Hi, bill, it's amelia.

Oh hi, amelia. Yeah-- it's your mom.

Did Justin get there okay?

Yeah, he got here fine. Yeah.

Well, I just wanted to be sure.

Bill, what's going on out there?

Oh nothing, I-- I just...

I just dropped something.

It sounded like something broke.

Huh? oh...

Oh that's-- that's...

That's-- we're trying to make dinner over here.

Do you think I could call you back just...

Okay, well, call me back later.

- Tell Justin that I... - what?

I said, tell Justin that I send my love.

- yeah. - And for him to be careful.

- All right? - ah yeah, I will.

- okay, bye. - Bye. Bye!

How do we... Get 'em out of here?

Oh, that's easy.

First you got to get their attention.

- hey, you guys... - ( chattering )

Now, raccoons like to eat in my kitchen.

But coyotes like to eat raccoons. watch this.

( howls like coyote )

Sure is a nice place, dad.

Thanks. It's home.

Not quite as good as mom's home cooking, huh, son?

Mm... It's good.

Really is.

You're not just saying that now?

I mean, it could be better, right?

I really like tuna fish.

( chuckles ) Well, tomorrow we're gonna go into town

and restock our food supplies.

I gotta pick up some stuff for the kayak trip anyhow.

Really? Kayaks out on the river?

That's where they work the best. We're gonna go kayaking,

we're gonna go camping, hiking, climbing.

We're gonna do it all.

Now would you like some more...

Water?

No thanks, dad.

I'm really stuffed.

Radio: ♪ Empty-headed

♪ Empty-hearted

♪ Since the day

♪ That you departed

♪ Since you ripped up the road map... ♪

Coons broke in again?

Yeah, they sure did.

I can't figure it out. I don't see how they get in the door.

Brought my son home from the boat,

we walked in and there they were-- boxes ripped open.

♪ You're a woman

♪ I'm a man

♪ And I thought you'd understand... ♪

Okay, that's it. Let's go.

Come on, son.

♪ Then you turn...

- let's go. - ♪ And walk away

♪ Without a single thing to say ♪

♪ Since you ripped up the road map ♪

♪ To the off-ramp of your heart ♪

♪ I've been lost...

Dad, do you know who...

- that... - who the girl was à at the store?

How'd you know?

Well, to tell you the truth son, I...

I saw her checking you out.

Well, who is she?

( laughs ) Her name's gail halloran.

She lives just outside of town with her folks.

Her dad's with the sheriff's department

and her grandparents are up there visiting them.

You must know everything about everybody in this town.

Well, if you're a writer, it pays to know your neighbors.

Everybody's got a story.

Hey, dad, what's that thing for?

Oh, the breath-taker.

Well, this is just a little thrill ride I rigged up

to... Well, to see if I'd ride it.

You wanna give it a try?

No thanks. I was just curious.

Well, that's okay, son.

That's the kind of thing you shouldn't do till you want to.

But I'll tell you something about courage--

this is something you're gonna find out for yourself anyhow.

There ain't nothing in this life as bad as you think it's gonna be.

Fear has a way of exaggerating everything.

It'll make you clutch up, freeze up,

run away and hide.

But if you just ignore the fear and go ahead,

it's always easier. It's always a lot less scary

than you think it's gonna be.

Thanks, dad.

I needed that.

Go ahead.

One for you. Watch.

( crunches )

Let's do it the hard way. Remember-- remember?

Yeah.

- one, two, three! - two...

( laughs )

You know something, son?

We're gonna have to go to bed pretty soon.

You know, we got to get up at 5:00 am.

5:00 am?

Yeah, 5:00 am.

We gotta hit the river by 6:00.

But 5:00 am, dad, that's awfully early.

Yeah, it is awfully early.

But I remember when you used to get me up at 5:00 am.

4:00 am, 3:00 am...

- I did? - yeah.

You were about this big.

You would pick the craziest hours to holler at us.

You wanted to talk.

You wanted to play.

You wanted to poop your pants.

You'd just have a wild time in the middle of the night.

Do you remember any of that?

You were pretty small.

Your mom and I used to--

we'd go in, stand by your crib,

and I'd grab my old-- well, here.

Give me the guitar. I'll show you.

Grab this old guitar, see?

And then I'd strum a song

and sing you back to sleep.

♪ Oh You'd Piddle In the puddle ♪

♪ In The Middle Of The driveway ♪

♪ Pick Your Nose And throw your food ♪

♪ You'd Fall Out Of Bed In the middle of the night ♪

♪ 'Cause Something In Your dreams went boo ♪

♪ You'd Crawl In My Bed And take all my covers ♪

♪ And I'd Shiver Till My buns turned blue ♪

♪ Then I'd Wake Up In The morning and you had your fingers in my face ♪

♪ That's What Little kids do ♪

♪ Now You'd Eat Green beans ♪

♪ If You Found Them In the carpet ♪

♪ And You'd Eat Anything Stuck to your shoes ♪

♪ You Liked Leaves And Bugs And second-hand bubble gum ♪

♪ That's What Little kids do ♪

♪ I Had To Have A Lot Of band-aids and iodine ♪

♪ Adhesive Tape, Merthiolate And vapor rub and calamine ♪

♪ Chapstick, Q-tips, Vaseline and tylenol ♪

♪ And Every Now And Then A little pepto-bismol ♪

♪ I'd Buy You Chocolate Ice cream, you'd drop it on the sidewalk ♪

♪ And I'd Buy You Another ice cream, you'd drop that too ♪

♪ And You'd Get Real Sick And throw up in the hallway ♪

♪ That's What Little kids do ♪

♪ Yeah, You'd Get Real Sick, Never in the bathroom ♪

♪ Usually On My favorite shoes ♪

♪ Ooh, I Was So Mad I Could Cuss You're going nyah-nyah-nyah ♪

♪ That's What Little kids do ♪

♪ Yeah, But Someday You're Gonna be taller and stronger ♪

♪ You're Gonna Do Things That you could not do ♪

♪ And Someday You're gonna say ♪

♪ "Hey, Look At My old man" ♪

♪ Now He Can't Even

♪ Tie His Shoe

♪ He Piddles In the puddle ♪

♪ In The Middle Of The driveway ♪

♪ Picks His Nose And he gums his food ♪

♪ Falls Out Of Bed In the middle of the night ♪

♪ Just Like Little kids do ♪

♪ And Around And around we go ♪

♪ And Your Poppa's Just a little kid ♪

♪ Too.

I love you, son.

Now go to bed.

( owl hooting )

Is that an owl?

Yeah, great horned.

You can tell just by hearing it?

Well, it sounds different than a barn owl or a long-ear.

The saw-whet is real raspy.

The screech owl has a kind of a trembly whistle,

sort of goes up and down.

But a great horned, he sounds like a barking dog.

( owl hoots )

You hear that? Definitely a great horned.

You know, son,

out in the wilderness,

you gotta learn to use all your senses.

Keep 'em sharp.

Pick up on the subtleties around you.

That's the key to survival.

You can learn to see things

that you didn't even know were there.

Even at night. Smell things in the air

that tells you when the weather's gonna turn,

when an animal's close by.

Think of yourself as a part of nature.

Learn to become a part of the woods.

Think like a wild animal.

Let your instincts guide you.

Listen.

Always listen.

Dad?

How come you and mom split up?

That's a tough one.

Uh, we were just two very different people

with different interests in life.

I mean, you know how your mom likes the-- the city,

with the museums and the symphonies and the plays.

And I don't blame her. But I like the mountains.

We just...

Wanted different things out of life.

Well, how come you didn't figure that out before you got married?

I mean, how come you didn't just tell each other what you wanted?

We did.

I guess we didn't listen.

- dad? - yeah?

I'm getting kind of hungry.

Well, there's stuff all over the woods to eat, son.

You got plants, mushrooms, berries,

- insects... - that's okay, I'll pass à on the insects.

Insects are all right, if you're starving.

I know a fellow who loves grub worms.

( laughs ) How do you know what's okay to eat?

Well, you just watch what the animals eat,

and if they eat it it's probably okay.

Like this, this is fine. It's good to eat right there.

Little berries. Now these are ferns.

You don't eat ferns. Nobody eats ferns.

Now those over there, they're okay.

But these...

These'll kill you.

You can tell just by looking at 'em?

No, I just made that up. Sounded pretty good, didn't it?

( chuckles ) That's why we brought food, son.

We brought food.

Tomorrow morning we'll be heading over that mountain.

Then back home.

( engine humming )

So what's the word, kid? You live here now?

No, I'm just visiting my dad.

- that's his house. - yeah, I know.

Bill colter.

Your folks split up?

Yeah, a couple years ago.

I figured.

My dad just moved here last winter.

You ever ride the breath-taker?

The what?

That thing. The rope slide.

No.

It's easy if you got guts.

If you don't have guts,

you buy the farm, sucker.

I'll show you.

This is called the death dive!

You better stay clear unless you want to get splattered.

No sweat.

Go ahead, you try it.

No thanks, I'll pass.

What's the matter? You afraid of heights or something?

I just don't want to do it.

Once a wimp...

Always a wimp.

You wanna ride my dirt bike?

- sure. - no way.

You'll probably wipe out and wreck it.

See you around, hot shot.

What a warm and charming guy.

Now what are those things?

- ( metal rattling ) - well...

These are horse handcuffs.

Just kidding.

Actually...

Actually, this is a very special gift

presented to me by an old indian named fred.

An indian named fred?

That's what he called himself.

I guess he didn't like his tribal name.

I think it was limping duck or squatting moose

or sitting pretty or-- I don't know.

Anyhow, old fred gave this thing a couple of twists back and forth,

and the steel rings just slid right off.

That's impossible. The ring's too small.

Yeah, it sure looks that way, but fred did it.

Right in front of my eyes.

You want to try it?

( thunder rumbling )

Now fred said not everybody can do it.

He said, "only a man who has seen truth

and proven courage can free ring from chain."

( rain splattering )

I don't know, norm. 30 cans of tuna fish...

My mother used to work miracles with tuna fish.

Spaghetti with tuna fish,

tuna fish and peanut butter sandwiches...

- well, we did à get a deal on it. - a deal?

My father used to put it on his corn flakes in the morning

for breakfast...

Ho, gotta get the mail. You want anything from in there?

- nothing. - okay, I'll be right out.

Gail: Okay, see you guys later.

- okay, goodbye.à - bye, call me.

Okay.

- hi. - hi.

I saw you here the other day, didn't I?

- yeah. - my name's gail.

Oh, I'm justin.

Justin colter. I'm...

Visiting your dad. I know.

Small town. You're from back east, right?

- Boston. - oh yeah?

Did you ever see the red sox play?

I think mike easler is a great hitter.

Too bad they didn't make the playoffs though.

Hey, how'd you get out of school?

Oh, it's a teacher's strike. It'll be over any day though.

That's a bummer.

So I-- I hear your grandparents are visiting.

Small town.

( thunder crashes )

Hey, gail. I'd be careful who you're talking to.

Kid's got a bad case of yellow-belly.

Might be catchy.

- oh grow up, craig. - I'm serious.

Tell her about your great ride on the breath-taker.

Oh yeah, I forgot.

That's right, you chickened out.

You didn't want to fall down, go boom,

and hurt your tushy.

Okay, let's go.

You know, craig,

you should trade your mouth in for a brain.

It would be a real improvement.

( phone ringing )

Bill: Hello? yeah.

- morning, dad. - morning, son.

Your mother called this morning.

Strike's over?

They settled last night.

When do I have to go back?

Well, the train only comes through here twice a week, son,

and, uh...

I guess that means today.

I'll go pack my stuff.

Why don't you have some breakfast first?

No, thanks.

I'm not hungry.

No luck yet, huh?

Well you know, when the right moment comes, it's gonna surprise you.

That steel ring will just pop off of there like magic.

No, take it with you. It's yours.

- no. - can't leave it here, à it'll drive me crazy.

Besides,

you can do it.

( clears throat )

Yes?

Excuse me, sir?

I'd like to buy a ticket for my boy to Boston.

- how old is he? - he's 12 years old.

Will this be economy or first class?

Well, economy will get him there, right?

Right, they get in at the same time.

- we'll take it. - there you go, sir.

Train's about 40 minutes late,

so we got some time to kill.

Tell you what.

Why don't you keep an eye on your suitcase there,

I'll go across the street and gas up the cherokee

and I'll get you a sandwich for the train.

- okay? - okay.

Hey, dad?

Anything but tuna fish.

- hi. - oh, hi.

What are you doing here?

My grandparents are leaving today.

My dad and I came to see them off.

- what about you? - back to school.

Oh. Too bad.

- well, maybe I'll à see you next summer? - yeah.

Well, I gotta go now. See ya.

( door closes )

Listen to me.

Take this film and give it to the police.

They'll know what to do with it.

- but I-- - give it to the police

and only the police.

Make sure no one else gets it.

Do you understand?

( door closes )

( door closes )

( silent )

So what do you think?

I mean, he claims he doesn't know anything about it.

Don't be an idiot. What do you expect him to say?

He was thompson's courier.

What, a kid?

That is crazy, maddox.

Oh, great.

Why don't you just toss around my name, kendall?

Eyes front, pal. Your buddy's just sleeping.

So what are we gonna do?

We've got to get rid of him.

Oh, no no no. No, that's where I draw the line.

I'm not wasting a kid.

I don't care if he is with the feds.

Don't sweat it. We won't have to lift a finger.

Hogan!

Get out here and help me pull this dang tree!à

ÀMan on TV: How can you do this to me?

ÀWoman: But Tony, you've got to understand.

It's not that I don't love you.

Tony: But my own brother, Lisa.

- You can't marry him. - don't do it, lisa.

Lisa: I'm afraid it's too late.

- what? - Tony: What?

Breck and I were married last night.

You can't do that, lisa.

He's a jerk.

Tony: I'm disappointed in you, Lisa.

àDisappointed? Disappointed?

I'm downright mad.

Goodbye, Tony.

Goodbye...

- is right. - Lisa: Don't!

You shoot the tv again?

Lisa-- she up and run off

with that scumbucket breck!

She didn't tell me or tony about it.

That's the fourth tv this year!

The second one this month!

- here come à them guys again. - oh, now what?

Got a new partner? He's kind of young for your game, ain't he?

- I've got another à job for you. - yeah, what?

- I want you to à take care of the kid. - we ain't no babysitters.

Get rid of him. I don't care how you do it.

Just make him disappear.

- what'd he do? - it's not what he did, à it's what he had.

Put that away, kendall.

ÀBurk: Kind of a funny line of work you guys are in,

depopulating the county.

Think you can handle that?

We took care of them government guys for you, didn't we?

You ain't seen hide nor hair of them around, have you?

What about this here guy?

He looks plumb worn out.

We'll take care of him.

Lose him... Permanently.

Now we can buy us another tv.

New post-hole digger and chainsaw first.

Maybe we can buy all them things

after we collect us some more money.

- where'd you get that? - I lifted it off à that one fella.

Now it seemed real important to them.

I bet they'll give us a bunch of money to get it back.

You idiot. If brains were food, he'd be starving.

They ain't gonna pay us to get it back.

They'd just kill us.

Well, what am I gonna do if they come back for it?

Am I gonna tell them they dropped it on the ground

- and then I picked it up? - if you're smart.

Now get up there and stay put.

Yeah.

What are you, kid?

Some kind of midget spy or something?

Yeah, what'd you do that got you in trouble?

I didn't do anything. I don't even know what all this is about.

I'll bet there's something fishy going on down at that factory.

Where they make them secret sputnik satellite things.

That's because you watch too many of them ignorant soap operas.

It turns your brains to oatmeal.

We gotta figure out what to do with him.

ÀHogan: Throw him in the river? Dump him in the canyon?

Burk: Nah, somebody'd find him for sure.

Cops'd be crawling all over us.

You could let me go.

Nah.

We gotta take him way back in

where nobody'll stumble over his bones.

- he's getting away. - I can see that.

( engine sputters )

Dang thing needs a tune up.

( engine starts, gears grind )

- gonna stop him? - yup.

- today? - yup.

Strong chain.

( engine starts, revving )

Lisa runs off with that jackass breck...

Leaving tony all by hisself.

Pull over!

( door closes )

( motorcycle revs )

Burk: End of the line, kid.

You wrecked my cycle!

That was a genuine customized dirt machine,

not an airplane!

I oughtta throw you down there with it!

But then they'd come looking for me--

poking around, asking questions.

You see up there?

Them's the highest, ruggedest

most dang-awful mountains ever was.

We're gonna take you on a little hike up there, kid.

And you ain't coming back!

This time those russians are gonna pay top dollar.

They should.

Went to enough trouble to get it back for them.

- what's the matter? - I can't find it.

- what? - the film. à I can't find the film.

- well, what did à you do with it? - I had it in my pocket.

Are you sure?à I mean, when was the last time you actually saw it?

Had it in your hand?

Well, up at the shack.

( tires screeching )

I can walk, you know.

Yeah, you can run too. We already found that out.

I won't try to get away.

Are you two gonna talk the whole damn time?

It's three days up there,

and I don't wanna listen to your chewing the fat every step of the way.

Why don't we just dump him somewheres along here?

Because it's not far enough back in.

I know exactly where we're taking him,

so just shut up

and stop catching flies.

They're not here.

Yeah, I noticed.

Hey, did you know their porch fell down?

Kendall, you have a rare talent for pointing out the obvious.

Hey, thanks.

Make some coffee. We'll wait for them.

Probably out taking care of the kid.

Tv don't work either.

Maybe it's not plugged in.

What's that thing?

It's an indian puzzle.

For the right person

who turns the horseshoes in the right way

at the right time, the steel ring will come off

like magic.

Give me that.

It can't be done.

The legend says only a person

with wisdom and courage can do it.

- I guess that à leaves you out, burk. - you try it, lamebrain.

The ring's too small to fit over them horseshoes.

It's impossible.

That's what I said.

It can't be done. It's biology.

Pure and simple.

( coyote howling )

- coyotes. - right, hogan.

Your buddies is coming after you.

I don't like them things.

I can't even sleep

when I know they're out there crawling around.

You don't like coyotes much at all.

- how come? - you just shut up now.

( laughs ) We was camped out one winter.

Old hogan here had his feet

poked out the end of the tent.

They froze up stiff during the night.

Coyotes came into camp

and they saw them sweet toes sticking out

and they just chewed them off.

Well, he didn't feel nothing,

because they were froze stiff. There were no feeling in them.

But he looked out in the morning

and he had no wigglers left.

( laughing )

It ain't funny.

Yes it is.

I'll just keep these, kid.

You won't be needing them anyway.

( howls )

( laughs )

( grunts )

You can walk from here, kid.

I'm tired of carrying you.

What if he tries to run?

You carry him then.

He ain't gonna run nowhere.

How much further?

Tomorrow.

This is it?

You had us drag him

all the way up to the middle of nowhere

for a hole in the ground?

This ain't just a hole in the ground.

- it's a mineshaft. - same thing.

( stick clatters )

About 100 years ago

this old cook named turpell--

two-nosed turpell

because he had this great big old honker.

He lived up here all alone

- 30, maybe 40 years. - oh yeah.

You mean that cross-eyed fellow petey told us about.

What had them big old ears that stuck out.

I'm telling the story, hogan.

Well, anyway,

he dug every day deeper and deeper,

plumb sure he was gonna hit a gold vein as big as an elephant.

Well, he got that old shaft

down to about 100 feet.

Then one day he got clumsy

and fell straight down that shaft.

Broke his neck.

His body is still down there, according to the story.

Is that true?

I don't know.

But it sure looks like you're gonna find out.

So long, kid.

( screaming )

( grunts )

( gasps )

So tell us, justin. How was your vacation?

Oh, great. It was really fun.

Thanks for asking.

What are you looking at?

( groans )

( screaming )

( groaning )

( growling )

Hi.

Hey.

I know you probably think I'm gonna hurt you or something,

but I'm not.

I'm just passing through.

( whimpers )

( growls )

Better watch the feet more.

What am I doing wrong here?

This always worked for tarzan.

( groaning )

I should have stayed in the mineshaft.

It would have been safer.

Hogan: Isn't there a shorter way down?

Burk: I know how to go. You just follow me.

But half the time you got us walking uphill instead of down.

Burk: That's how it is, hogan.

Ain't everything easy.

You're born, life's a bitch,

- then you die. - oh.

Is that really true

what you told that kid about there being somebody

at the bottom of that mineshaft with a broken neck?

I don't know.

That's a story that goes around.

There's one down there now, ain't there?

( laughs )

( coyote howling )

My feet are tired and sore.

What's left of them.

( laughing )

( howling )

There they go again.

I ain't gonna get a wink of sleep tonight.

Neither am I with you babbling like a scared chipmunk.

Have something to eat.

( howls )

( gasps )

Hey.

( gasps )

Wake up.

We've been waiting around for them for three days.

We can't wait around any longer.

We're out of coffee.

For crying out loud.

( guns cocking )

( radio chatter )

What say we open up this here can of film,

take it out,

and see what's on it.

Where'd you go to college?

I didn't go to college.

No, I figured you was a harvard man.

No, I never went to college.

Not never.

( sighs )

Let's open up this can and see what's in it.

You had any grits upstairs,

- you'd be dangerous. - ( chuckles )

( raccoon chattering )

Whoa now.

Oh, great.

I think I see our supper crawling around out there.

You ain't gonna catch that coon.

He can run faster than you.

He's got all his toes.

I ain't gonna catch him.

I'm gonna nail him from right here.

You'll never do it.

Hogan: YEAH? You watch me.

Come here, stupid.

See, I told you. You missed.

Hogan: I couldn't have.

That knife had him dead on.

You ain't gonna believe this.

That coon up and stole my knife.

First the coyotes get your toes,

then the coons get your knife.

Kind of makes you wonder what's gonna be next, don't it?

Hogan: Hey, wait a minute.

What do you mean by that?

- what's gonna be next? - ( chuckles )

Burk? Burk?

Quit moving around, will you?

Stay still.

( grunting )

Holy shit!

Slow down there, short fella.

- I don't allow à no running in my yard. - who are you?

- who? - you.

Me? I ain't nobody.

What's your name?

Justin colter.

What's yours?

Ansel flint highlander ford.

New York city born and bred.

Left home when I was three.

Got a job shoveling coal

on a freighter out of kewaunee. I quit that when I was seven.

Sold bibles to farm widows.

Then when I was 12, I hooked up with a fighter named jake.

Only he died one winter in South Dakota,

and I ate him for breakfast.

Hungry?

So then I headed west to make my fortune in baseball,

only I ruined my elbows pounding nails into cement.

I couldn't throw a ball more than two feet on a good day,

so that left me high and dry.

Nowhere to go except here.

But don't ask me about myself,

- because I don't like à to talk about it. - okay.

You know, you don't have an arrow in that crossbow.

Well, of course not.

That would be dangerous.

Somebody could get hurt.

What are you doing out here?

Are you lost or just stupid?

It's kind of a long story.

It's all right. I kind of got long ears.

Wait a minute.

Yep, it's 12:30.

Lunch time.

Come on, let's head on up to the castle.

Set a spell.

Have us some skunkberry tea.

Well, come on.

You don't have no appointment that can't wait.

Now tell me again, what were you doing in my backyard?

How much further is this castle of yours?

You live in a tree?

( classical music playing )

This is some place.

Yep, I built it last week.

- last week? - what?

You built this place last week?

Are you crazy? It rained last week.

I must have built this 50 years ago.

I own it.

Oh, I don't rent. No, sir.

Rent's too high.

Tell me then about them two fellas.

They put me in a car.

They took the film away from me.

I think it might be pictures

of those communication satellites.

It's top secret stuff.

Stuff.

Hmm.

Secret stuff. Yeah?

So then they hired these two men

to get rid of me.

Did they?

- what? - get rid of you.

( chuckles )

No. Well, they tried.

They stuffed me down this old deserted mineshaft,

but I got out.

I started chasing them,

but they still have the film.

- with the secret à stuff on it. - yeah.

I know it sounds crazy.

Oh no, it don't sound crazy.

I seen this movie myself-- 1942,

rialto theater, dayton, Ohio.

STARRING FRED MacMURRAY And donna reed.

A real humdinger.

- do you like it? - it's not a movie.

It really happened to me.

Drink your tea.

What's the matter?

It smells awful.

Well, of course it does.

That's why they call it skunkberry tea.

It's good for you.

It puts hair on your knees.

Let me tell you something about life, mister.

Anybody that thinks that he knows all the answers

hasn't asked himself the right questions.

Like in the city.

Why do people park on the driveway

and drive on the parkway?

And why do they call it running for president

when all he ever do is stand around and talk?

And what the hell is daylight savings time?

And if they're saving it up,

who's got it all?

Maybe that's that secret stuff you're looking for.

You see what I mean?

No, not really.

Look, it's simple.

Nothing in life is what it seems to be.

The woods, this place,

that secret stuff,

this beard.

It's not real. I just wear it like a hat.

Drink your tea.

You see, I'm an inventor of sorts.

I invent things

that nobody needs. But if they didn't have them,

they'd Miss them.

I gotta show you this.

This is good.

( laughs )

Come in. Sit down.

Look at that chair without the back there.

You see, that's for folks

that like to lie down while they're sitting up.

And this lantern here without the wick.

That's for people who like to read in the dark.

I like to read in the dark.

Look at this book. I just finished it the other day.

It's called "something happened." I read it in the dark.

Something did happen too. I don't know what it was,

because I read it in the dark. You can read it.

You want me to turn off the light? Oh, the lights are out.

You see? And look it there. There's the butler chord.

Pull that. That's for people without a butler.

And this meat grinder here is for vegetarians.

This broom, this is a totally worthless thing,

because it's good for something. Just like this bed.

I never sleep here, because that's what it's for.

And these kitchen utensils. I don't use those.

But I know what you need.

A coat to keep you warm.

And rope.

Ain't no man can have too much rope.

It'll solve any problem that confronts him.

You know that expression, "give him enough rope"?

Well, now you got it.

Thanks.

But how do I find my way back home?

I lost track of those two men.

Well, there's only one way off of this mountain on foot.

And that's along deception ridge.

How do I find that?

Well, you could just keep going the way you was before,

or you take the shortcut.

Save half a day.

- shortcut. - good choice.

Now just go straight that away

until you run into the ridge dead on.

And then follow the elk trail.

They know the way better than anybody.

Thanks for everything.

Nice feller.

Too bad he didn't like the skunkberry tea.

I gotta get rid of that stuff somehow.

We'll follow that animal trail.

It'll take us right up through the rainforest.

Yeah,

and into them cliffs on the other side, I bet.

I know where I'm going, hogan.

I've been this way 100 times before.

You just stay on the trail and quit bending my ear.

( titters )

Hogan: I'M TIRED.

Are you sure this is the right way?

Burk: That's why they call it a trail.

Grounds all worn away where the animals walked.

I know that. I ain't stupid.

I can't believe I'm doing this.

( screaming )

What? no.

( groans )

- what in the hell àwas that? - that was the kid!

No, it was a wild animal.

Did you see his teeth? And he smelled like a skunk.

Come on, let's go get him.

No, it couldn't have been the kid.

- we dumped him àdown the hole. - shut up, hogan!

Burk: LOOK UP THERE On the hill. I'll cut around this way.

- Hogan: HE AIN'T UP HERE. - Burk: WELL, LOOK OVER THERE.

Check them bushes. He couldn't have got far.

Burk: THERE HE IS.

Let's get him.

Hogan: WAIT.

Burk: Quit dragging your feet.

Hogan: Wait up.

( grunts )

Burk: COME ON.

Over here!

Hogan: Slow down!

( grunting )

We got him now.

You can't hit him from here.

Ain't gonna hit him. I'm gonna cut the rope.

You idiot, how are we gonna get across?

Let's go get him.

( grunts )

( grunting )

Come on, hogan, he's getting away.

( whimpering )

Burk!

Burk!

Burk, I'm slipping.

What am I gonna do?

Swim.

( screams )

First bath he's had in five years.

Burk: GOT YA NOW.

- ( Justin gasps ) - ( Burk growls )

Ooh!

( coughs )

( grunts )

You little bastard!

I don't know how you got out of there, kid,

but this time you're gonna stay dead.

( rattling )

Stop. Don't come any higher.

( cackles )

There's a rattlesnake on the ledge above you.

( rattling )

Ha! I eat rattlesnakes for breakfast.

I ought to bite you.

Ahh-ahh, help me, kid, I'm slipping!

Help me!

I won't hurt you.

I swear.

Just-- just help me.

Help me. You can't let me fall.

That's it.

Hold them out.

( screaming )

( squawking )

( birds squawking )

( owl hoots )

( orchestral music playing )