Kevin Bridges: A Whole Different Story (2015) - full transcript

Ladies and gentlemen,

please welcome Kevin Bridges.

Yes, thank you, Glasgow!

Saturday Night, Glasgow. Thank you.

Yes, welcome. Welcome along.
The Hydro. Wow. Nice place.

16 nights I'm doing here.

16. Thank you, good
people, for that. 16.

One Direction only doing two.
I'm doing 16.

I'll get Harry Styles on the phone. "All
right, Kev, any chance you can tap us a score?"

It is DVD night. Looking well.
Everybody looking resplendent.

Need to look your best.
Christmas Day, sitting watching it,



pausing it, trying to find yourself.

There's big Gordon from next door.
Who is that he's sitting beside?

That's not Stacey. Big
Gordo, the shagger.

Well done for coming to something.
Well done. Good for you.

It's difficult coming to something.

I don't underestimate for a second
the challenges involved.

It's a lot of effort.
Have to take the time

to show our appreciation for the heroes,
the unsung heroes,

people amongst you
who organise these nights.

People who know when shit goes on sale.

People who sit on Ticketmaster.

"Page cannot be displayed."

"Server timed out."

The people who composed
that original group text.



Assembling the troops. The people who dared
to dream that a night out could be possible.

Sitting, dealing with
people's replies trickling in,

sucking out their enthusiasm.

"Kevin Bridges? What night is it?
Where is it? How much is it?

What time does it start?

What time does it finish?

Who else is going?"

"Who else is going?"
What a fucking snide enquiry.

That's when the organiser's faced with the
internal politics of the social circle.

The night out needs
a big name to confirm.

A headline act, an A-lister pal.

A crackpot. Disco. Risor. Gnasher.

Somebody that can turn your night out
into four nights out.

"It's only me and Scobbie going so far.

I know he's a wee
prick, but he'll drive."

Welcome along, front row. How are
we doing? You all right? Looking good.

How are you doing, sir?

You all right, mate? You can reply, mate.
It's live, it's not on the fucking telly yet.

We're only making a DVD.
It's not actually...

His face...

"That 3D telly is a fucking beauty."

Good man. What is your name, sir?

You're not telling me?
All right, that's good.

What's his name, mate?

Fucking grass him in
since he's not telling me.

- Johnny.
- Johnny?

Johnny. You settling for that, Johnny?
It's only a comedy show, Johnny.

You're not getting booked by the police.
It's just a wee...

Camera right on Johnny there. That's it,
mate. You make him feel like shit for that.

There we go, that's Johnny, everybody.

Tell your name to the camera. Johnny.

Good man. Welcome along. I like a night out.
I'm getting to that age. I'm growing up.

I've got mates getting married,
and having children.

This is new to me. My life is changing.
You don't get a night out as often.

The weekend is no
longer an excuse in itself.

I don't get a night out, it's rare.

But when they happen, it's a rollover
and they go on far too long.

I don't think anybody can party like
the newly-married man, the new father.

I hear One Direction singing,

♪ I'm gonna go crazy, crazy, crazy.

Until they see the sun.

And singing ♪ Gonna party...

Until six in the morning.

All these parties
that have got scheduled end times.

That is not what happens when your mates
start getting married and having children

and you get a night out,
they go on far too fucking long.

People do not want to go back...

.. to the life
that they are creating for themselves.

Mayhem ensues at the suggestion
of a six-in-the-morning curfew.

"Do you want to call it a night?"

"Fuck, man, one more hour this
bar is open. We'll go and get cans."

The adult empty, it's a bleak affair.
The empty, ten years on.

Some paranoid wreck
walking through your living room

looking for a Nokia charger.

"17 missed calls?
I'd better fucking text her."

Highlights of a game of FIFA
on the PlayStation

that was finished about three hours ago

still playing.

Two guys snorting cocaine talking about
a fight they had in primary school.

"I'm fucking glad we
sorted that tonight."

"Yeah, I know, mate. I was out of order
at that playtime. I was out of order."

35-year-old guy
still using expressions like "playtime".

"It was me who was out of order.

I was the one that kept throwing
fizzy cola bottles at you.

I knew you had to be seen
to be doing something about that, mate.

I understand. You didn't need to call us a
wee elba. That was out of order on your part.

It's six in the morning. Nokia guy
arguing with his missus by text.

"I told you I was having a mad one."

His only justification for having
a mad one, he fucking told her...

he was having a mad one.

Then staying on the offensive.

"I thought you were going
to your mum's to watch Strictly anyway."

"It's fucking
six o'clock in the morning, Ryan."

"How the fuck am I supposed to know
what time Strictly finishes?"

Then looking at the telly. Looking at the
PlayStation, thinking it's fucking Sky Sports.

"When did Motherwell beat Columbia?

That's fucking some result.

Columbia had their
full team playing, aye.

I wish I'd stuck money on that.

Seven red cards? Was there a
bit of needle between them two?

♪ Six in the morning.

It's tough watching guys
grow up against their will.

Watching somebody going through
an old VHS case

that's been used
as a joint-rolling station for years.

Raking through the paraphernalia
trying to find something smokeable.

"There's a bit of green in there.
I'll press my finger on that.

There's plenty here, gentlemen.
The night is but young.

Bit of green stuff.
Tobacco. Scrape that in. Hairs.

"There's always hairs in the rolling tray.
I'll put the pubes in. Who gives a fuck?"

Lying there in emotional purgatory

trying to get
a knackered disposable lighter to work,

the only lighter in the party.

Doing big, long flicks.
"Come on, you piece of shit."

Eventually, get a bit of blue flame.

And going, "Yes!" And the "s"
blows it straight back out again.

It's hard to watch a married man
lighting a pube joint off the toaster.

Do you take drugs, Johnny?

There's a cameraman. That's it. You
hinder his future employment prospects..

I'm only joking. I don't take...

I used to smoke weed, Johnny.
I got busted.

I got caught. We were having fajitas
one Sunday as a family

and I rolled a fucking belter.

And it aroused far too much suspicion.

From that day forward,
I was under surveillance.

I was evident I had obtained
these skills elsewhere

no doubt through illicit activity,

as this was the first time we had ever
sampled Mexican cuisine as a family.

I'll take the back seat
letting everybody else go first.

They are putting together
these big abominations,

big, baggy, reckless bastards.

Salsa bombers going down their t-shirts.

I'm biding my time just surveying
the devastation at the table, the mess.

My own family,
a disgrace to the art of rolling.

Then I stepped up, saying, "Pass
me the skins... eh, the tortillas."

I took three tortillas
out of the packet.

There's the hash smokers in there.

"Are you having three fajitas, Kevin?"

"No, Gran, I'm gonna stick these
together with some guacamole.

Don't worry, Gran, you'll get a pass.

And don't hog it. I know what you're like.
And don't get it all wet at the end."

Putting the grated cheese
right across my set-up there.

You got a grinder...?
Don't say grinder, shut up.

Rolled it up. Tucked it right in.

Asking my gran to take off her crucifix so I
could just stuff a bit down at the end there.

Just about stopped myself before I ripped
a bit of cardboard off the old El Paso box.

♪ Six in the morning

Where are you from, Johnny?

Airdrie? Airdrie. Good to see.

He's got a wee fan club there.

Quite a lot of people.
People booing Airdrie obviously.

Coatbridge? Coatbridge. Airdrie.

Anybody not from Scotland? Anybody
come from further afield than Airdrie?

Which is a pretty
depressing question to ask.

South Africa!

South Africa? "All right, my lady."

"My lady." I only know that... I just know
South Africa for all the wrong reasons.

The Pistorius trial,
that's all I've got for you.

That was a great holiday
watching the murder trial.

"Oh, my lady, I didn't know
it was Reeva, my lady."

If only that had made it to South Africa.
"Duh," when somebody was talking shite.

That's what that trial needed,
the whole jury...

"Oh, my lady, I didn't know it was her."
Duh!

Welcome, welcome.

That was good.
They should have got him steaming.

That's how you get the truth out of
any man. Get him fucking hammered.

That is a lie detector in court. Get a few
cans in him. Let him start unwinding a bit.

Then get him on the shots,
then get him where he's lighting his fag

but he's talking that much shite, his
fag keeps going out. He's hammered.

"All right, I'll fucking tell you what
happened. I was busting for a shite.

And she was taking fucking ages.

I was touching cloth, my lady,
and I panicked."

South Africa. Anybody not from Scotland,
where have I got?

Where are you from?

Detroit? Detroit.

No fucking shit, man.

- Detroit? Genuine? What is your name?
- Jennifer!

Jennifer? From Detroit. How long
have you been in Glasgow, Jennifer?

- A decade.
- A decade?

That's ten year in Glasgow talk.

Ten year, you say.
None of that "decade" shite.

You would fail your
citizenship test on that, Jennifer.

Ten year.

You don't say "years". None of
that plural pish either. Ten year.

You get a very honest game
of Scrabble in Glasgow.

"Years?" He's not getting
five for that. No chance.

Detroit? No fucking way, man.

Scotland, we are on the map.
We attract tourists.

People give a fuck about
Scotland these days.

We got put on the map.
Especially last year.

We had the civil war,
didn't we, Scotland?

People asked... I had an American in a
pub in New York asking me about that.

About the big vote we had.
It was difficult to explain.

The guy is going,
"Hey, man, are you from Scotland?"

I said, "Yes."
I was gonna say "Aye" but I translated.

I said, yes.

I'd been on the Rosetta
Stone prior to the trip.

And the guy goes, "What the fuck
happened over there, man, in Scotland?

Who would have thought Scotland
would vote against freedom?

Like, what the fuck?"

"It was a bit more
complicated than that, pal."

And he was going, "What about
William Wallace and Robert the Bruce?

You guys fucking said, no?"

"Aye, we thought Asda
were gonna put their prices up."

"We're a proud people,
pal, but I don't know

how much we're prepared to pay
for crispy pancakes."

It was a crazy time in Scotland, that
left us questioning our whole identity.

Even I'm looking at Scottish money,

"No wonder the English don't
accept this shite. Who is that guy?"

"It's not the fucking Queen, mate."

"I know it's not the Queen, mate.
I don't know who it is. Just some guy.

Clydesdale Bank's employee of the month
or something.

Just be happy for the wee guy.

Picture him at a house party.
Six in the morning.

Showing his pals his note. "I'm on the note."
Rolling it up, snorting coke through it.

"Look at me now, Ma, I'm a tenner."

We all got into it, didn't we, politics?

We've got a whole country
that could resit higher modern studies.

It's good, it's an education.

Sitting on Facebook posting links to articles
you've not even read yet. That was us.

People threatening to leave the country.

Michelle Mone, she left, didn't she?
Michelle Mone.

Somebody needs to sit her down.
"Michelle... Mone."

Mone Michelle. Mone.

Mone to fuck, Michelle.

Are you a political man, Johnny?

Nah? You don't give a shit.
I watch it. I like the politics.

I've started buying the big papers.

I never knew the big papers were as
expensive. I thought it'd be the same price.

Standing in the queue at the newsagent with
my pound coin making plans for the change.

"£1.80."
"Fuck. Do you take cards, mate?"

"Only if it's over a fiver."

"All right, a Daily Telegraph
and 16 packets of Hubba Bubba, mate."

I watch it. The Tories, that's
who we've got, reducing the deficit.

The economy, that is what is going on.
Austerity Britain. Making cuts.

I watch 'em.

David Cameron. "We must work together
to reduce the deficit."

That is what is going on.
Reducing the deficit.

I read about the deficit.
Do you know about the deficit, big guy?

Britain's debt, £1.5 trillion.

That is how much the UK owes somebody.

£1.5 trillion.

I dunno who the fuck we owe that to,
but...

Surely they've gave up on it? Surely...

Surely when it hit the trillion mark,

they must have been having their doubts
about ever seeing it back.

I've enjoyed Greece.
I like their attitude.

That is how you treat debt.

Having a great time.

It's got to the end. Everybody
is on their case, the IMF, the EU.

They are just telling them
to go and fuck themselves.

Well done, Greece.

Angela Merkel on the phone
going fucking mental.

Greece have just got her on loudspeaker,
just laughing at her.

Sitting drinking bottles of ouzo,
letting her shout at them.

"You must make the repayment now."

"240 billion euros."

Going through their books
on Greek philosophy,

trying to quote their
way out of the mess.

Angela, as Socrates says,

"He is richest who
is content with least."

That is a fucking beauty, man. Any more?

Or as Epicurus said,

"Do not spoil what you have

by desiring what you have not, Angela."

"Here, let me talk to her."

Or as Plato says,

"You're not getting
it, you fucking cow."

Good on them.
Everybody knows somebody like Greece.

I've got mates like Greece.

They are likeable,
but you don't lend them money

unless you're prepared to deal with
the shite when you try and get it back.

They are saying that, Johnny,
Greece actually accused Germany

of owing Greece 279 billion euros because
of the Nazi occupation in the 1940s.

Fucking classic tactics.

"Oh, we were not gonna mention it, Angela,
but since you are chasing us up..."

We are paying it back, £1.5 trillion,
that is the plan.

Reduce the deficit. The deficit
means you spend too much money.

Don't bring enough money in.
Tory solution, make cuts.

I think we just need to start making
some more fucking money.

All these billionaire psychos putting
their taxes into the Cayman Islands.

They tell you that
as if the money is irretrievable.

Fucking invade the Cayman Islands.

Get it back. What the fuck are
the Cayman Islands gonna do about it?

Instead of going after disabled people
and fucking single parents.

That takes balls. That takes balls,
George Osborne, Ian Duncan Smith...

..looking through
disabled people's doors,

"This is your fucking fault, mate, you.

We could go after
tax-avoiding multinationals.

We could go after Vodafone, Starbucks,
Amazon, Google, Gary Barlow,

but it is your fucking fault.

You."

"You're going back to work, mate. We
don't give a fuck how disabled you are.

Oh, you're paralysed from the neck down.

We don't give a fuck, mate. There will be
a farm out there looking for a scarecrow.

Fucking go to the farm."

Got people checking for the offside flag
on that joke there.

Maybe an extreme example, but that's...

That is their ideal world, cutting benefits,
and people fall for it. People believe it.

Moaning, you see them on Facebook.

You discover through Facebook
you hate your own fucking aunties. Aye.

Reading their shite. "I have worked...

I have worked my whole life

and I've worked two jobs
since I've been 12 years old

and I think it's a disgrace that these
people are sitting on their fat arses...

They are spending their dole cheques
on alcohol and cigarettes.

It's a downright disgrace.

You're missing the point, man.

They are spending it on alcohol
and cigarettes, highly taxable goods.

The country is getting it back.
These people are reinvesting.

These people are the
heroes in this mess.

It's not poor people spending, it's fucking
rich people saving, that is the problem.

The money is there, just need to give it
to people that will fucking spend it.

I would put the dole up.
I would make the dole a grand a week.

That is how you kick-start an economy.

Every bit of it would get spent.

You can see it on Black Friday, poor
people. Imagine them on £1,000 a week.

The country would be fucking bouncing.

Not one penny going offshore
or into your savings account.

"Let's get fucking tattoos, man."

People arriving at the job
centre in taxis to sign on.

"Just keep your meter running, my man.
I'll be five minutes."

"That is the dole up to a grand a week,
Denise. Do you still want your tits done?"

"Aye, we'll get the hot tub.
Fuck it, why not?" Grand a week.

I've made a bit of dosh, thanks to
you people. I have fucking moved on.

I've made some cash.

I'm on the property ladder. That's what I
done, I bought a house off a neurologist.

That builds an inferiority complex.

I'm showing up to buy his gaff
in a fucking Super Dry hoodie.

Guy is giving me the tour.

Showing me his PhD. "That's nice, mate."

We'll get that down and get that
painting of dogs playing poker up there.

I grew up in a council house.
I grew up in Clydebank.

A lot of people know that.

Famous place.

Famous for Wet Wet Wet...

Marti Pellow,

He's the only guy who ever left
Clydebank to become a heroin addict.

But I'm in the West End. I'm in
the nice bit, in the city. I'm living.

I'm living with the great and the good.

It's where I live.
I've been there for a few years.

But it's never quite become my bit.

I mean...

you've got where you stay

and you've got your bit.

Eh? That make sense?

There is where you live
and there is your bit. It's not...

I don't know if it will
ever become my bit.

I see the kids whose bit it is.

- I hear them shouting on each other.
- "Sebastian."

"Sebastian, we're over here. Sebastian."

I hear a name like Sebastian, I'm
hoping to look up and see a dalmatian.

Not this wee fucking git.

Sebastian making his grand entrance
with his purple blazer on.

His perm wafting in the wind.

A cello on his back.

They call me "Mr Bridges,"
the kids in my street.

I don't feel intimidated phys...

I feel intellectually intimidated
by the gangs of youth in my street.

"Mr Bridges, how are we?
How are we, Mr Bridges?

The family and I sat down
to one of your performances

on the television over the
festive period, Mr Bridges."

"A tad coarse in places."

"However, I would be lying if I said I
didn't allow myself a chuckle, Mr Bridges."

A wee guy. I'm out of my fucking depth,
trying to talk to him!

I'm having to raise my game
to talk to a ten-year-old.

I can't have a normal,
older-guy-to-a-wee-guy conversation.

Who's the best fighter
in your school, then, Sebastian?

"I'm the chair of the school
debating team, Mr Bridges.

There have been a few heated exchanges,
but we've not quite come to blows... yet."

His wee pal's beside him.

Fucking deseeding a pomegranate
with his fruit knife.

I still wear trainers and stuff.

I never knew that was frowned upon,
wearing sports gear.

Unless you're off to participate
in a sporting activity.

I still wear shorts and trainers,
any excuse.

I've got a neighbour who always looks
at me, always looking me up and down.

"Off to the gym, Kevin? Off to the gym?"

I said, "Mate, why do you always ask me
if I'm off to the gym?"

"It was just when I seen your trainers
and sports top.

Off to the gym, no?" No. I'm off to
the garage to buy a Wispa, mate.

It's not a fucking
black-tie event, mate.

I try and blend in.
I'm quite a friendly guy.

I've got a dog, for example. That's how
you get to know your new neighbours.

You become part of your
local dogging community. I got a dog.

That's your buddy. I got a dog.

In the park, dogs are there.

Other dogs come over
and start to play with your dog.

You pat the other dog and you get talking
to the owner. Quite a sociable experience.

I'm in the park, my dog's there.

Another dog came over,
began to play with my dog,

began sniffing my dog's arse.

Sniffing away.
Having a fucking great time.

I'm patting the other dog
and I says to him, "Who's this?"

That's dog walker talk for,
"What is your dog's name?"

That's how you strike up a bit of chat.

I said, "Who's this?"

And the guys goes, "This here is Diego."

I thought, "Naming the dog
after Diego Maradona, mate.

"That will explain the sniffing,
then, right?"

I thought that was
the ideal thing to say.

Fucking hilarious, I've got a voice
in my head, going, "Superb, Kev."

"An exemplary piece of patter.
This will be your bit in no time, Kev.

I'm asking his dog for the paw of God,

thinking this guy's
is going to spread the word.

"Yeah, I met Kevin Bridges in the park.

The guy's funny as fuck, even off duty."

"The man's a scream."

But the guy says, "No, the dog's
not named after Diego Maradona.

We named him after Diego Rivera,

the post-Impressionist,
19th-century, Mexican, protest painter."

This was a game changer.
I had fucking nothing for the guy.

Wow. I looked him right in the eye.

"I cannot believe you've just done that
to me, mate. I don't know what to say.

I've never felt so homesick."

A voice in my head going,
"This is not your bit, Kev, go home.

You don't belong here.
You're a fucking fraud.

The sniffing patter,
that might cut it down your bit.

This is the upper echelons of society.

You think you're going to get away
with that up here?

Even his dog is looking at your dog as
if my da just fucking clamped your da."

And he just carried on with his day.

And I'm left on my phone,
having to Google this arsehole.

Under pressure. Another fucking thing
I do not know has just been exposed.

I'm on Wikipedia reading about this guy.

"Diego Rivera was a Mexican painter known for
his large wall works in the style of fresco."

I don't know what that means.
Let's go back to the start, Kevin.

Let's concentrate.
Learning is fun. Come on.

This is the kind of shit you need to know
to hold conversations up in this park.

"Diego Rivera was a Mexican...!"

You know what a Mexican is
- Tequila, sombreros...

Remember that big fajita?
Remember that big blunt you rolled?

Mexicans would love you, Kev.

"Mexican painter..."
You know what a painter is.

You're Uncle Kenny's a painter.
Remember Uncle Kenny?

He used to always sneak you and your
cousins a can at Christmas, remember?"

"Uncle Kenny, how come Auntie Denise
lives in New Zealand?"

"Drink your fucking can, son."
Remember Uncle Kenny?

"Known for his large wall works
in the style of fresco."

I don't know what "fresco" means?
But Fresco is highlighted in blue,

meaning it's got its own Wikipedia page.

Why not make an afternoon out of it?
I click on that line.

I've not even made it through the opening
sentence of Diego Rivera's Wikipedia page

and I'm on another Wikipedia page,
reading about fresco.

"Fresco is a technique of mural painting

"executed upon wet or
freshly-laid lime plaster."

I don't know what lime plaster is,
but that is also highlighted in blue.

"Click on that one, Kevin. Is there
anything that you do fucking know, Kev?"

"Lime plaster is a type of plaster
composed of hydrated lime, water and sand.

"Lime plaster is different from -"

Why are you reading this, Kevin?

You're supposed to be reading
about Diego Rivera.

Remember why you came here.

You went to fresco, now you're onto
lime plaster. You've got fucking ADD.

I'm Googling,
"Have I got Attention Deficit Disorder?"

I'm taking the University of Maryland's
six short questions

to determine
if I have Attention Deficit Disorder.

I'm about to diagnose myself
with a mental health condition

because of this fucking phone,
this tadger and his wee shitey dog.

Even my dog is looking at me, as if,

"Get over it, Kev.
Hurry up and throw that tennis ball."

Give me a minute, Annie. I'm not well.
I'm mentally ill. Please be patient.

I need your support just now, dog.

Taking the test. The University
of Maryland's six short questions

to determine if I have
Attention Deficit Disorder.

"Do you sometimes struggle
with the final parts of a project

"once the challenging parts
have been finalised?

All of the time; most
of the time; some of...

Ten celebrities you
didn't know were gay."

Don't give in, Kevin. Don't click on it.
Don't fucking click on it.

Don't...

"14 reasons you're always tired."

I'm always tired. I think I might
have that chronic fatigue syndrome.

Fucking finish the ADD test.

How the fuck can I finish the ADD test
if I've got ADD?

I went back. I read about Rivera.
I got tooled up on this guy.

Educated myself.
"Diego Rivera was born in 1886.

Rivera began painting
at the age of three years old,

a year after the death
of his twin brother.

Rivera would paint on his bedroom walls.

His parents, rather than chastising him,

installed chalkboards and canvas
on the walls to encourage his gift.

At the age of just ten years old,
Rivera was accepted

into the San Carlos Academy
of Fine Art in Mexico City,

where he studied until 1907

before moving to Europe, where he
became friends with Pablo Picasso."

I've got fucking shit loads.

Off to the gym. I've lost a bit of weight.
I don't know if anybody noticed that.

Lost a bit. People worry about you
in this city when you lose weight.

I had a guy shout, "For fuck's
sake, Kev, have you got AIDS?"

Which is... just a local way of saying,
"Looking sharp, Kev. You've been working it."

I've got a jaw. Look at that.
I've never had a fucking jaw in my life.

I've always been fat. I was fat
my whole life, right through school.

This has been a long time coming.
I was 18 stone when I was 18.

I was fat. At school, that was tough.

Sitting in a plastic chair at school
at the end of every class,

knowing that there was going to be
a sea of sweat

that's been separating
the two hemispheres of your arse.

Sitting beside the lassie that
you fancied, having to do that slide,

trying to wipe it as you're getting up.

It was tough. I was fat at school.
I was the first in my class to get tits.

It's hard.

Going swimming on a school trip.

"No. I'll just keep my t-shirt on.
The water's dead cold.

I'm all right,
I'll swim with my t-shirt on."

I went to a guy. 18, that's when
I first addressed the problem.

18 stone. I went to the gym.

A real gym.
You know, the big, proper gym guys.

The real fucking big tanks.

This new breed of man that you get.

You know, the big mammals,
the big protein bastards.

With the big beard, covered in tattoos.

Did I create you in a PlayStation game?

The big guys.

You work in the Carphone Warehouse,
but they're training for the apocalypse.

Convinced their best mate's
shagging their missus

and they're training for the day
they can finally prove it.

And that's what puts
fat people off the gym.

These guys take it too far.
"Only God can judge me."

I'm standing here judging you,
you big fucking bell end.

I went to the guy and said, "Look, mate,
I'm trying to lose a bit of weight."

The guy goes, "It's all about nutrition.
It's all about nutrition.

Do whatever you want in here,
but it's all about nutrition."

You can't out-train a bad diet."

And he asked me
what I had for breakfast.

"What did you have
for breakfast this morning?"

Instantly, I'm thinking
I'd better say something

that I never had for
breakfast this morning.

Make a good impression
by this big fucking mammal.

I said, "Oh, I had fruit, mate.
A bowl of fruit.

The guy's going,
"Fruit in the morning, that's got to go.

Fruit in the morning, very high
in sugar, you need to lose that."

I'm like, "Fruit, mate.
That's bad for you now, fucking fruit.

Fruit. I never had a bowl of fruit, but as far
as you're aware I did have a bowl of fruit.

So I should be commended. I had a
fucking Terry's Chocolate Orange, mate."

"You've no idea how low
I would stoop for breakfast.

Cold peshwari naan with Nutella on it.
I've been there, mate.

And you're on my
case about fucking fruit!"

"I used to have four raspberry ice poles
and a Wham bar for breakfast

"at half-past eight every morning
for six years.

And a roll on sausage at half-past ten.

A pizza crunch and chips at 12 o'clock,

a can of Coke and then fucking
Astro Belts on the way home.

Fucking fizzy cola bottles, Bikers,
Johnny's Onion Rings, everything.

Then you get home for Crispy Pancakes,
oven chips, potato waffles, croquettes.

"Yellow, mate. That was the
only colour I would eat - yellow."

"And you're on my case about fruit."

I never said that cos the guy would punch
fuck out of me, but I was thinking that.

I said, "All right,
I'll cut out the fruit."

The guy gave me a diary to fill in.

A food diary, that's a step too far.
Submitting handwritten lies to somebody.

He's telling me all
these foods to cut out.

"Carbohydrates - you shouldn't
eat this shit. Eat this sort of stuff."

I'm filling in my food diary. On the
Internet, reading about superfoods.

Trying to impress the big man.
Monday morning, I had avocado. Avocado.

Hey, what the fuck's avocado,
in case this guy asks me?

You have it on toast?

He'll go off his head if I say toast.

I'll just say I had avocado. How many?

How many? Five? Five avocado.

Fuck it, I'll put ten. Ten avocado.

Show the guy I'm serious about it.
Ten avocado. Monday morning - breakfast.

Then I had almonds
and blueberries and beetroot.

Beetroot, that's a super food, isn't it?

A jar of beetroot, mate.
Got a spoon, rattled the lot. Mm!

Then I had quinoa.

Quinoa.

Am I saying that right? Quinoa?

What the fuck is quinoa? Quinoa?
What the fuck is that?

Click on images. It's a powder.
Snorted a couple of lines of quinoa.

And then I had oily fish and I really
felt it reducing my risk of Alzheimer's.

And the guy's gone,
"This is great. Kev. Is this the truth?"

I said, "No, mate. The truth would break
your fucking heart. I'll tell you the truth."

"I lasted two meals without carbohydrates
and I thought I was going fucking insane."

"I've never felt so angry.
I had to get off the couch

and just lie on the floor,
staring at the ceiling,

trying to take myself to a happier
place, fantasising about carbohydrates.

I never knew what a carbohydrate was
until you told me to cut them out.

And then you grassed them all up."

I'm lying there. "Oh, I would love
a spaghetti toastie right now.

Mm, how good would that be?

Or a baked potato
with rice in the middle."

"And I could put that on a sandwich.
When was the last time I had that?"

Piece on baked totty and rice, eh?
Mm!

With a wee spaghetti toastie chaser.
Oh, yes."

"Then I crumbled, mate.
I went rampaging through my own kitchen.

In the freezer, there was a tub of Ben &
Jerry's that had been there for months.

And because it had
been there for so long,

the little wooden spoon that you
get inside a tub of Ben & Jerry's

had bent and snapped on impact
on the ice cream.

So I had to put the tub of Ben & Jerry's
in the microwave. Now...

I left it in the microwave a bit longer than
I should have done and the ice cream melted.

So, rather than have just a few wooden
spoonfuls as I had initially intended,

I drank the fucking lot, mate."

I never knew how to fit that
in to Monday evening's column.

It's too extreme.

If you're fat, you're at a tremendous
advantage when it comes to losing weight.

Bear that in mind. I was 18 stone at 18.

Now I'm 28 and I'm 14 stone.
Right, that's four stone...

I've lost.

Thank you. To those
of you applauding that

you're applauding a man
who's lost four stone...

in just ten years.

Admittedly,
a pretty difficult diet to market.

I'm not gonna get on the front
cover of Reveal with that story.

How I shifted four
stone in just ten years.

A before and after photograph.

There's me with a fucking
school uniform on in the before.

Simple. Simple changes,
that's what you need to make.

That's what the four-stone-in-ten-years
programme encourages.

Small steps. Don't have McCoys,
have Quavers. Simple changes.

You don't need to go to bed
with a two-litre bottle of Fanta

and a tube of Pringles every night.

Small changes.

You don't need to lose junk food.
Just Google it first.

"What is healthy to
eat from the Chinese?"

Go on. Yahoo answers.

Ignore the top answer.

Some nutritionist
from the University of Arkansas:

"All Chinese food is usually fried.
There's always very large portions.

It usually contains a chemical
called mono-sodium glutamate,

which is highly
addictive and fattening."

Fuck all. Just keep scrolling down.

Keep scrolling
until you find what you want to find.

What about this guy? "Sweet
and sour chicken is quite healthy,

as long as you peel the batter off
at least three of the chicken bones."

"If you're putting fried rice
on a prawn cracker, don't have a lid.

Just have the one prawn cracker."

It's these simple changes that will help
you shift four stone in just ten years.

Then the rest comes.
Then you can exercise.

Then you adopt a dog.
That's your exercise buddy.

Get up the Dogs Trust. Get a
dog that's done a bit of jail time.

Adopt a rescue dog. Get up there.

It's like The Shawshank Redemption.
Two dogs to a cell.

Younger dog trying to impress you.

Older dog at the back,
playing its harmonica.

Scraping a cup up and down the cell.

Sneering at the younger dog.

"You're never getting out of here, boy."

I could wake that dog up,
having a wee dog dream, lying there.

One hand on the belly.
We'll go on a jog to Edinburgh.

Fuck it, let's go on a fucking jog
to Edinburgh.

Let's jog back as well,
me and my fucking pal.

You've got hobbies.
I took up tennis. I tried that.

I lasted one night.
I show up at the local tennis club.

Guy goes, "Yeah, you're on court No.4."

"We need bats, mate."

You don't have racquets?

Of course we don't have racquets since
it's my first night at a new hobby.

"I've got a bottle of Lucozade and
a fiver, mate. That's all you bring."

Everybody knows that's all you bring
at your first night at a new hobby."

Trying to play tennis,
you end up losing the plot.

Trying to serve, you end up just meeting
up at the net to discuss rule changes.

"Will we just make it?"
becomes the theme of the evening.

Will we just make it? You can serve
underarm and it can bounce anywhere.

Instead of 15, 30, 40, we'll just
make it one-nil, two-nil, three-nil...

And your pal starts beating you
as if he's fucking great at it.

Starts offering you feedback.
"I've noticed you're lifting your head."

"Fuck you!
As if you're any fucking good at it!"

That's the sport here, innit? Tennis. Andy
Murray, he's fucking changed this place.

Who would've thought?

Who would've thought?
Scotland becoming a tennis country!

Who would've thought?

It's the working man's sport, innit?

You walk into a rough pub in Glasgow
and there's tennis on.

Volatile atmosphere.

"No tennis!" signs up all over the pub.

Guys arguing long into the night.

"You're gonna sit
there, Del, and tell me

that Nalbandian would beat Djokovic
on a clay court!"

Derek, you're embarrassing yourself.

That's how stereotypes change.
Northern Ireland, they're into golf.

Have we got any Belfast in?

One guy there. Good man.

Bel... Where are you from?

Belfast? Where is he?

You, mate. You. What's your name?

- Ian.
- Ian? Ian.

That's a fucking accent, innit?
They make us sound like Michael Bublé.

There's a bomb in the biscuit tin.

- How long have you been in Glasgow, Ian?
- Since 1985.

Since 1985? You just got fed up with...
shite weather, religious intolerance.

You thought, "Fuck this!
I'm off to Glasgow!" Good man.

'85!

1985!

The first time I was in Belfast, the hotel
I was staying was beside an '80s bar.

I thought that was funny.
Ian, an '80s bar - in Belfast!

Of all the cities in the world where you
don't want to go and celebrate the '80s.

What the fuck goes on in there?
People rubbing shite on the walls?

Petrol bombs getting chucked
across the dance floor?

"Who gives a fuck?
Karma Chameleon's on! Yeah!"

"I'm a man without conviction."

No, it's changed hasn't it, Ian? Golf,
that's the sport. Tennis, Scotland.

Golf, Northern Ireland:
Rory McIlroy, Darren Clarke.

They've ditched the guns,
bought golf clubs. Progress.

They're still chucking the odd petrol
bomb, but they're shouting, "Fore!"

You know, giving each other a bit of...

A bit of support.
A bit of feedback on their game.

What you've gotta
do there, picture the shot first.

Get that fucking police station in your
sites there. Just stand. Shoulders straight.

Bend your fucking knees.

I waited for you.

Well, I'll be fat again. Don't worry, I'll be fat.
I'll be back. I'm looking sharp, but I'll be back.

I'm one all-inclusive holiday away from
fucking meltdown.

Don't worry.

I'll be back.

Did you go on your holidays this year?
Big guy?

- Aye.
- Aye.

- Aye. Where did you go, sir?
- Majorca.

Majorca.
You and the good lady, was it? Aye.

Good man. Any big holiday arguments, no?

Aye. A few.

Get the camera on 'em.
Let's dig some dirt here.

That's tradition. When you go
with your missus, a big holiday bust-up.

Big fucking 35-degree argument.

Carrying a five-litre bottle
of water and a lilo up a hill.

Your flip-flops keep falling back down
the fucking hill.

Eventually, just booting them off.

"Fucking flip-flops. The pavement's
too warm. Where's my fucking flip-flops?

You get that one! I'll get that one!

Five litres?!

How many times are we gonna brush our
fucking teeth on this holiday, anyway?"

Or a water park. That's it.

If your relationship can survive
a water park argument, that's love.

Sitting on a big,
inflatable yellow ring.

Trying to get the last word in
before you begin your sharp decline.

"I'm an arsehole? Well,
who fucking paid for the holida-a-a-ay?"

And you need to wait on
the other one coming down.

The two of you buzzing. The
adrenaline's going. Put your ring back.

You've cheered up,

but you're fucked if you're letting
your face know you've cheered up.

"I'm going to enjoy this bad mood. I've
worked hard all year for this bad mood."

Even if something funny happens.
You've got white shorts.

They're wet. Everybody can see
your arse cheeks and your pubes.

It's funny, is it?
What, nobody here's seen an arse before?

How mature? How mature?

I never knew guys shaved their pubes.
I don't give a fuck.

Ha-ha! Everybody laugh at me,
for fuck's sake!

I like a bit of Spain. Any Spanish in?

Aye!

Aye? You, mate? You?! What
part of Spain? Fucking Shettleston?

"Aye"?

- What's your name, sir?
- Stevie.

Stevie? Stevie from Spain?

Stevie...

Good man, Stevie. How long
have you been in Scotland, Stevie?

Aye, we'll give up there.
We peaked at that, Stevie. Busted.

Well, that's you on the telly
now, Stevie, Christmas Day.

He'll rent this DVD, gets coked up
and puts that DVD on again. Fuck's sake!

"So, he goes, like, anybody from Spain?"
I'm like, "Aye! Me!"

"Rewind it. Watch it again. Everyone,
get in the living room! Watch this!"

Very funny, Stevie.
Very fucking funny, buddy.

Spain. I like Spain.
I like the cultural side.

Siesta. I like that shit.

You get to go for a lie
down in the afternoon.

It's called a "siesta" in Spain.

When you go for a lie down in the afternoon
in Scotland, it's called depression.

People start worrying about you
if you go for a siesta in this country.

"Is the big man all right?
Aye? Is he all right?"

"Have you spoke to him?
Have you tried to talk to him about it?"

"It's a lot of siestas he's going for."

I like my siesta on holiday.
That's the best bit, innit?

I don't go on mental holidays any more.
Don't go with my mates.

I've got bomb scare pals that don't know
when to shut the fuck up.

It wears thin after a few years, turning
up dodgy side streets in a foreign country.

People try to sell you shit.

You've got mates that don't know when
to shut the fuck up and keep walking.

Hookers everywhere.
"I suck your dick? I suck your dick?"

"I'll suck your dick, hen!"

"Well done, Barry boy. That's us
all getting shot, mate! Well done!"

I like the bit
when you're getting fuck all done.

The bit between six o'clock and
before you need to go out for the night.

You've done the pool during the day.
You're in. That's it. The siesta.

Lying on the sofa bed in the apartment
with prickly heat.

Watching The Simpsons in Spanish.

Eating the local crisps.

Listening to how much of a fucking
fruitcake Homer sounds in Spanish.

"I'll go in the shower in a minute. I think
Homer's gonna slit somebody's throat here."

They're nice, their crisps.
Here, get some of their crisps.

Ruffles "jamon" flavour.

I went on a cultural break.

Tried that. Done New York, all that stuff.
You get dragged round tourist attractions.

A lot more pressure on yourself
to actually go and do shit.

Looking at stuff,
knowing you should be enjoying it.

Statue Of Liberty. "Wow! That's exactly
how I fucking thought it would look."

Having to take your photograph.

You don't realise how much shite you
photograph until you go somewhere good.

Or your phone runs out of memory.

Standing on top of the Empire
State Building, deleting fry-ups.

I've got an app called What'sApp.
Right, all the kids have got it.

People send you...

People send you pictures and videos and
it just saves straight to your phone.

It's horrific shit people send.

And I never knew I had a video of
a guy fucking a hoover on my phone...

..until I was showing my mother
my holiday photographs.

I'm flicking through them,
giving my wee commentary.

"That was us on the first night.
That's a view from the hotel, Mum.

That was a wee Italian restaurant.
That's where Harry met Sally.

The pastrami sandwich was nae very nice.
That's a guy... Cracking holiday, Mum.

I'd definitely recommend..."

Of course you watch it.

If a guy has took the
time to fuck a hoover,

I will take the time
to watch a guy fuck a hoover.

Lying, watching it.

Have you ever seen
your own reflection on your phone?

You see how tragic you look
at these moments.

Lying on your couch. Big double chin.

Fucking dead behind the eyes.

Your life is ending
just watching a guy fuck a hoover.

Is that a Henry or a Henrietta
he's fucked now?

And you need to reply to your mate
that sent it.

H-A. H-A. H-A. H-A. H-A. H-A.

And then the emoticons. There's that wee
guy that fucking cries with laughter.

15 of them, mate. Projectile tears of
laughter are leaving my eyes, mate.

There we go. Ha-ha-ha!

I was at New York,
getting dragged into museums.

Trying so hard to enjoy it.

There's that voice in there going,
"Shite. Shite. Shite. Shite. Shite."

Trying so hard. "It's not shite, Kevin.
Show some respect."

"It's fucking shite.
It's an art gallery full of shite.

"Shite. Shite. Shite.
Shite. Shite. Shite. Shite."

Listening to the tour guide. "This is 300
years old. This was donated to the museum."

I thought, "Shite. Shite. Shite. Shite."

"And you're fortunate the Tutankhamun
exhibit is here for six weeks only."

Trust me to land that fucking six weeks,
eh?

How shite will that be?
Tutankhamun, the King of Egypt at 21.

I bet he was a wee wank. Shite. Shite.
Shite. Shite. Shite. Shite. Shite.

Come on, Kevin, you're better than this.
Let's see a show of strength.

"Excuse me, mate. Is
that a Diego Rivera?"

"You don't know who he is?"
You've found a victim, Kev.

All that hard work.
Give him it. Both barrels.

"Never heard of Diego Rivera, mate?

Never seen Dreams Of A Sunday Afternoon
In The Alameda?

Arguably one of Rivera's
most controversial works, my man.

Why was it controversial?

Well,
because it depicted Don Ignacio Ramírez

holding a placard that said,
"God does not exist."

The work caused uproar, but Rivera refused
to remove the placard until nine years later,

stating that he doesn't have to hide
behind Don Ignatio Ramírez

to show his own atheist views

and that he believes all religions
are a form of collective neurosis."

"You don't know this shit?"

Job done, Kev. Now get to the gift shop.

Buy a rubber and fuck off.

I travel. I travel a lot.

I appreciate my life. Travel.
Stay in a lot of hotels.

They've always got bad news for you,
I notice, in hotels.

"Unfortunately, sir, the Wi-Fi is
only available in the lobby area."

"Well, is it all right
to masturbate in the lobby area?"

That's what I say to them.

Call them out on it. "I might use
your Wi-Fi and your lobby, then, mate.

The websites I visit, that is between me
and my browsing cookies.

Your manager can deal with the inevitable
negative reviews on TripAdvisor."

Some stunned couple.

"Don't get me wrong. The rooms
were spacious. The location was great.

The staff were a delight. Could
not fault the food or the facilities.

But, on the final night, there was a Scottish
bloke ripping the head off it in the lobby.

It was bloody disgusting.
Nothing subtle about it.

He had his denims at his ankles.
His feet on the coffee table.

He was using both
his hands at one point.

He was shouting
encouragement to himself.

He then demanded housekeeping bring
him a hoover. It was rather bizarre.

Two stars. We won't be back. Two stars."

The Wi-Fi is fucking killing this world,
innit? The Internet?

I'm trying to cut loose.
I'm trying to cut...

I'm trying to stay off it.
Driving me fucking nuts.

I like technology. I appreciate what
the geeks have done for this world.

I just don't like the person
that I become as soon as it fails.

As soon as it stops working, it sends
me fucking into a big, angry primate.

I've had too many of these rages.
I'm quite a peaceful guy.

Fucking laptop stopped searching
for wireless networks a few weeks ago.

That sounds trivial, but that's enough to
send me into a... "Fucking piece of shit!"

Fucking shouting at it, cos I'm so
out of my depth trying to figure out...

Your laptop breaks.
You've got two options, Johnny.

You can hand it to where you bought it,

or you can phone up
the technical support line.

What option would you choose, Johnny?

In your own time, Johnny.

Well, I phoned up, Johnny.
You could hand it in.

That's part of my problem.

I'm not wanting to hand this computer into
the Apple Store to speak to Marc with a C.

With his "Wee genius" T-shirt on.

Talking about his band.
"Yeah, we're called Skull Fracture.

We're playing the unsigned tent at T in the
Park." His big, stupid earlobes hanging down.

Go on and put your ear rings back in, Marc.
Stop putting people off calamari for life.

Fucking disgusting.

I decided to phone up.

The laptop was no longer searching
for wireless networks.

People are calling it
a First World problem.

That just makes you angrier. I
fucking know it's a First World problem!

That's why I'm on the phone to the Third
World, trying to get it fucking fixed.

- Woo!
- I phoned up.

I'm on the phone. Indonesia.

Talking to my man. My man Gavin.

He starts asking me questions.

I'm telling Gav the issue.

Gav's asking me for my DHCP client ID. I
said, "I don't know what that means, Gav."

Gav told me to click on System
Preferences. Then go to Network Settings.

And then Advanced Network Settings.

He said, in there,
you should see an IPV and phone number.

From that, you should be able to see
your DHCP client ID.

I'm fucking getting excited here.
Gav's onto something.

I said, "Yes, Gav.
I can see a DHCP client ID."

And he's asking me if
it's configurated or deconfigurated.

I said, "Well, Gav,
it appears to be deconfigurated."

Gav tells me to click on.
I'm already there, Gav.

Clicked on Configurated. Done deal.

And he goes, "Try again." I'm so
fucking excited, Gav, to try again.

I tried again and the laptop
connected to the wireless network.

I thanked Gav for his time.

Then I'm left wondering...
My mind is blown.

Who the fuck undone that?

Like...?

I have never been anywhere near
that part of the computer before.

So what the fuck happened
between connecting to wireless networks

and not connecting?

Did that have an MIT frat party
in the living room one night?

Did that have Mark Zuckerberg
and the boys round for a couple of cans?

It's got a bit out of hand.

I fell asleep at six in the morning.

And, rather than just shave off my eyebrows,
or draw a cock and balls on my face,

some prankster has logged into my laptop

and fucking deconfigurated
my DHCP client ID.

We are raising kids in this world...

I'm only 28. I still remember
the world being a bit simpler.

It's tragic when you
hear the children going,

"Dad! Dad! Dad, this iPod's not
performing the software update! Dad!"

And if I ever become a father,
I don't know if I could handle that.

I think I'll be saying,
"Shut the fuck up, you wee tool!

Performing a software update?
You're a wee guy. Go up to the loft.

Find a golf club. Go outside
and chop some jaggy nettles. Go outside!

Outside! Go out there!

Go and chop some jaggies.
You're a wee guy!

You've your whole life
to perform software updates.

Go out there and be bored.
Decapitate a few dandelions.

Get in the bushes!"

"I've just been stung by a nettle!"

"Well, get a fucking dock leaf, then.

Learn some survival tactics.

How about a big walk? Just kick
a plastic bottle down the street.

Be at one with your thoughts.

Get a big stick.

Get a bit of dog shite on the end.

Patrol your bit! Fucking armed
with a bit of dog shite on a stick.

It's a rite of passage to any child.

Sitting up in your bedroom,
getting cyber bullied.

Fucking go to his door
with a bit of dog shite on a stick."

We need to be bored.
Our minds are too occupied.

I used to be bored as a child.
I was quite a creative wee guy.

I was that fucking... I tried to start
a boy band. I had mental ideas.

In my jotter, "Element Four."
That's what I called us.

I had three mates who I gave aliases to.

Air, Fire, Rain, Wind.

I told them about my plans. They
laughed at me. Called me, "Gay boy!"

I thought, "Fuck youse!"
I went solo. Big Wind.

Going down to the kitchen,
grabbing the radio.

Up to the bedroom. Blank cassette in.

Pressing...

Pressing play and
record at the same time.

With my lyrics that I'd wrote.
Big Wind in the studio.

♪ Baby, I've been thinking

♪ About you

♪ I think you're thinking about me too

Making sure my Dad's not there,
in case I get fucking leathered.

♪ When you said goodbye

♪ It made me cry, baby-y-y-y

Doing the voice that long, your eyes
start to water. Really adds a bit to it.

♪ Baby-y-y-y-y

Cos I was fucking bored.
I enjoyed childhood.

Going out on a big walk.
Just showing up at your mate's door.

Going in for your mate.
Going in for somebody.

Just battering their letterbox,
unannounced.

"All right, Mrs Cassidy. Is Stu in?

I'm here to eat every
crisp in this house."

"His name's Stuart, Kevin."

"Where is he? Stoobster!"

That's when you discovered
the love you had for your own family.

I see the wee dweebs go,
"I actually hate my mum and dad."

Fucking get out the house, then!

A sleepover.

That's when you discovered
how much you loved your own mum and dad.

When you went an spent an evening
in another family.

That was an eye-opener. We need that.

The kids are too busy online
and they're socialising to this level.

You need to go and spend time
in another house.

Discover. You've got it good.

That Saturday morning, returning home to
your own house, after a sleepover.

Just want to cuddle your mum and dad.

As if you've just served in Afghanistan.

"Mum, come here.
Dad, bring it in, big guy!

I know I don't tell you a lot,
but I love you.

The Cassidys are fucking weirdoes."

Cos it would start off all right.
You'd go in for Stu.

And you're up in the bedroom,
playing the computer.

He's making you use an unofficial control
pad that his gran bought him for Christmas.

You're letting it slide,
even though it's frustrating.

You're through on goal, trying to shoot.
"Where's the square button, Stu? Stu?"

"It's not square, it's
No.9 on that pad."

"Fucking piece of shit!
Fuck you, Stu! Fuck you!"

And his mum comes into the bedroom.

"Kevin, we're gonna phone a Chinese.
Would you like to stay for some Chinese?"

Fucking jackpot! "Of course.

Of course I'll stay for some Chinese."

You start to relax. I like this family.

I reckon I could be a Cassidy.
Everything's going to plan.

Friday night, home delivery.

Then you get shouted down the stairs.

Made to set the table. They're
setting the table for a home delivery.

Again, letting it slide.
This is the Cassidys'.

It's not fucking Christmas Day, but maybe
they set their table for a home delivery.

Then the food arrives.

You don't recognise one fucking thing
that they've ordered.

Not once was I consulted
during the ordering process.

I know I'm ten.

I know I'm a guest, but ordering
a home delivery is a democratic process.

But again, letting it slide.
The dad's shown you the food.

"OK, Kevin, this is the king scallop,
Sichuan-style.

This is the Kung Pao lamb.
This is the sweet and chilli bean curd."

"This is nae Chinese food, Mr Cassidy.
Where's all the yellow shit?

Where's all the chicken balls?
Chips? Curry sauce?

You'd get fucking laughed out of China
for that shite, Mr Cassidy."

Then he starts saying grace. The dad,
thanking the Lord for a home delivery!

Just fucking tip the delivery driver.
Job done.

You're trying to plate
yourself up some food.

You're going, "Mr Cassidy,
where's the rice?"

"Oh, just give us a few minutes on
the rice, Kevin. It shouldn't be long."

"Oh, they never sent the rice?
I hate when that happens, Mr Cassidy."

"Oh, no, no, no.
Sheila's just boiling the rice."

"Oh, they sent it not
boiled, Mr Cassidy?"

"No, Kevin, they never sent anything.
We don't order rice from the Chinese.

Why would we pay £2 for rice when there's
a whole jar of rice on the worktop there?

That would just be stupid, wouldn't it?"

Alarm bells are ringing.
We're having fucking house rice!

With a home delivery? On a Friday night?
We're having it with house rice?

The evening's took a sinister turn.

Glaring across the table at wee Stu.

I'm gonna fucking expose you!

This is going to finish you, Stu,
in school on Monday.

This will be your nickname for eternity.

It'll be House Rice.

Even if you're driving a Ferrari.

"Oh, he's driving a Ferrari, is he?"

"Who?" "House Rice!"

Finished the food. Seen the family.

I don't know if I could be a Cassidy.

Then you get made to wash the dishes.

"Kevin, why don't you
make a little game of it?

Stuart can wash them. You can dry them."

Fucking great game, Mrs Cassidy.

Non-stop scream in this house
on a Friday night.

Maybe we can change ends at half-time,
or is that a bit too out there?

Then the gran arrives.
You get dragged into the living room.

"Yeah, we always watch a movie together
as a family, Kevin.

It's just our little Friday night thing.
Coming in?

We're going to watch The Hand That Rocks
The Cradle. Have you seen it, Kevin?"

No, Mrs Cassidy but I heard
it's fantastic, heard it's hilarious.

Having to sit watching this.

How the fuck do I get out of here?
I need to get home.

I need home, home. I'm homesick.

I'm only four streets away.
I'm fucking homesick.

"Kevin, just phone your dad
and see if you can stay overnight.

That would be nice.
Have a wee sleepover."

Imagine that, Kev.
The overnight package with these freaks.

"Kevin, phone your dad."

This is before mobile phones.
You had to use the living room phone.

The whole family is sitting there.
"Phone your dad, Kevin, phone your dad."

The Hand That Rocks The Cradle's been
paused, they're all listening in.

"Ask if you can stay."

You're on the phone to your dad,
solely dependent on your tone

to get across to your dad that
you're being held against your will.

This is going to take an
acting performance, Kev.

This is nae a family, this is a cult.

"Phone your dad, Kevin."

Trying to get a bit of
a lump in the throat.

Hoping my dad hears I'm crying,
comes and rescues me.

"Where are you, Kevin? I'll come and fucking
do them. Where are you, where are you?"

It's ringing, it's ringing.

Hi, Dad? Dad.

Dad, is it all right if I stay overnight
at Stuart Cassidy's house?

"Of course it is, Kevin,
you have a great night."

Your dad's no fucking getting it at all.

Dad, are you sure I've got no plans
in the morning? I thought I had.

You know, I had something on.

"Nothing on in the morning, Kevin.

It's Saturday and you're fucking
ten years old, pal. No plans."

That was that, you'd signed up.
You were one of them for the evening.

"Kevin, un-pause the movie."

I think it's you that's
got the doofer, Mr Cassidy.

"It's me that's got
the what? The doofer?

Is that what you call the
remote control, the doofer?"

He's fucking laughing.

The ma's laughing, the whole family,
wee House Rice is laughing.

They're all laughing at you. They're ripping
the piss out of you, Kev. "The doofer!"

Fucking hook the dad, Kev, hook the dad.

Take the whole family out.
One jab to the dad.

No family recovers
from a jab to the dad.

"The doofer!" Fucking
knock him out, Kev.

I'm nudging wee Stu.
Want to go up to the bedroom.

Want to go up, House Rice,
want to go to bed.

The dad catches you. "You trying
to get Stuart to go to bed with you?

Is there something
you're not telling us?"

You're on thin ice, Mr Cassidy,
you old bastard.

Eventually, up to the bedroom. Wee House
Rice just goes to sleep straightaway.

You're left alone, on his floorboards,
inside a Scooby Doo sleeping bag.

You haven't even got a pillow,
you've got a cushion off the couch,

with the zip on your neck, haven't you?
Turn it...

Alone, breathing in their family smell,
their house smell.

The whole family smell the same.
I recognise that smell.

That's the way he smells
when I sit beside him in school.

I wonder if he stunk out the house
or the house stunk him out.

Wonder what came first.

Listening to these noises. How fucking
loud is your bedroom clock, House Rice?

Ticking away ever second. It is torture.

I need out of here.
I wonder what time I can leave here.

Do you think five in the
morning's a bit early?

That's the target, Kev,
five in the morning.

Anybody catches you trying to leave - "Are
you not going to stay for breakfast, Kevin?"

Wonder what you get for breakfast
in this shit-hole, wonder.

"What would you like for your breakfast,
Kevin?" Maybe some eggy bread.

"Eggy bread,
is that what you call French toast?"

All that shite starts again.

All the fucking House
Rices laughing at you.

"You're not going to stay, Kevin?
We're having Alpen. Do you like Alpen?"

Yes, Mrs Cassidy, I love nothing better on
a Saturday morning than a big bowl of Alpen.

That's what gets me
through the week. Mm!

Get something in that frying pan,
you fucking boot.

Ladies and gentlemen of Glasgow,
thank you for listening.

Been a pleasure talking
to you. Top crowd.

Take care of yourselves. Thank you.
Good night.

Cheers. Thank you.

Thank you.

Cheers to you, mate.

Cheers to Johnny. Thank you.
Good night, take care.

Get back.

Get fucking back. It's become a hostage
situation, there at the back.

Get back. Back.
You at the door, back, back, back, back.

This is it. You're supposed to leave that
bit much longer when you go off stage

but there's a big flight of stairs there
and I just...

What's the point? You go all the
way down, you go all the way back up.

So, I'm back. Nice crowd, man.

You all right? Yes.

Can you get what? A selfie.
I'm kind of busy the noo, hen, but yes.

There you go. There you go.

Top crowd. What a venue, man.

Wow, I'd love to be a priest up here.

♪ A... A... men

♪ Our Lord the Saviour

♪ Pray for our souls. A... Amen

Bit of religion in Glasgow, eh?
How could this backfire?

♪ Amen

Believe in the Lord, Johnny?

Yes, you do. Good, good. Good man.

I don't, man. I don't know.
I grew up a Catholic.

Don't really give a fuck these days,
maybe.

Maybe go to chapel Christmas Day,
Easter Sunday.

One of them Catholics that go
to the big games. I mean...

I'm no' going to go to the league
matches but I'll go to the cup final.

Back to the old priest,
talking about Jesus.

♪ When he comes back, when he comes back

♪ The second coming
of the Lord, Jesus Christ

Coming back? How fucking long
have we given the guy, man? 2015!

I think it's fair to say
Jesus has fucked off, innit?

He's found new pals, he's ditched us.

The millennium, that was a
turning point for a lot of people.

Jesus never showed
up at his own 2,000th.

That's not your 40th or your 21st,
that's the 2,000th.

I picture the guy, Jesus,
what he'd be like in his Second Coming.

Imagine the ego on that guy.

Arguing with night-club bouncers.
Do you know who my dad is?

Don't care who your dad is, pal,
you're no' getting in with sandals on.

Bringing religion into football,
that backfired.

Why don't you bring
religion into football?

That'll bring people
back to their place of worship.

Get the tunes a bit better.

♪ Give him a loaf, give him a fish

♪ Jesus of Nazareth,
he'll serve up a dish

Jesus!

Ah, the Yank asked me
about the Old Firm before.

People exaggerate it a wee bit.
Danny Dyer, all those guys.

An American, he's gone,
"Man, is it fucking true, man,

that if you walk into the wrong
fucking bar in Glasgow on soccer day..."

Soccer day! Don't laugh at the guy.
Sorry, Duane, continue.

He goes, "I heard this one story, man,
this guy had the wrong T-shirt on

and the other team's fans walked over
and they didn't beat the shit out of him.

Instead, they fucking grabbed him by the
ears and sucked on one of his eyeballs...

It was like some disrespect,
some tribal shit.

That fucking go on, man,
over a soccer match?"

It would fucking break
my heart to deny that.

I said, yes, Duane, sadly. I have seen
many a match marred by such incidents.

An Old Firm game, the whole stadium
sitting with fucking monocles in.

Did they get you, as well, Kenny?

I couldnae believe it, mate.
Never drinking there again, man.

Oh, he's got contact lenses,
the Fenian bastard!

Anyway, ladies and gentlemen, it genuinely
means a lot to see so many people.

16 nights, very humbling.
Thank you, good people, for that.

I'd just like to...

Thank you. Yes.

I done my... I done my first-ever show
when I'd just left school, 17.

My dad was there. My mum and dad are
here. It's their 40th wedding anniversary.

So, lots of love to them.
Thanks for everything.

Thank you, Andy. Thanks very much.

Good night, Glasgow,
take care. Thank you!

Cheers.

Thank you, good night, cheers.