Kelly & Cal (2014) - full transcript

[ PROJECTOR CLICKING ]

[ MUZAK PLAYING ]

[ BABY CRIES ]

[ TELEPHONE RINGS ]

[ KNOCK ON DOOR ]

>> COME IN.

[ DOOR OPENS, CLOSES ]

>> HI, MAMA. HOW YOU DOING?

HANGING IN THERE?

>> YEAH.

>> OKAY.



GO AHEAD AND LAY BACK.

AND SCOOT DOWN.

ALL RIGHT.

LET'S SEE HOW WE'RE HEALING UP.

[ LATEX GLOVES SNAP ]

WHERE'S THE LITTLE ONE?

HOME WITH DADDY?

>> YES.

>> ENJOYING MOTHERHOOD SO FAR?

>> YES.

>> ANY BLEEDING, HEMORRHOIDS, OR
ITCHING?

>> UM, NO.

>> GOOD.

GOOD.



WELL, INCISION'S HEALING UP

GREAT.

EVERYTHING LOOKS DANDY DOWN
THERE.

ALL CLEAR FOR WHOOPEE, NOT THAT
MOST WOMEN ARE RARING TO GO AT
SIX WEEKS.

UH, BIRTH CONTROL?

>> SOMEHOW I DON'T THINK WE'LL
BE NEEDING THAT RIGHT AWAY.

>> [ CHUCKLES ] YEAH.

I'VE HEARD THAT ONE BEFORE.

JUST HAD ONE IN HERE WITH A
2-MONTH-OLD AND PREGNANT AGAIN.

SOUND LIKE YOUR IDEA
OF A GOOD TIME?

SO, YOU KNOW, HAVE FUN BUT
PLAY IT SAFE.

ANY OTHER QUESTIONS?

>> UM...

>> OKAY, GOOD TO SEE YOU.

BYE NOW.

[ DOOR OPENS, CLOSES ]

[ BABY CRYING ]

[ TELEVISION PLAYING ]

>> I DON'T -- I DON'T KNOW WHY
HE'S FUSSING.

>> YOU WANT ME TO CHANGE HIM?

>> I ALREADY DID THAT.

I DON'T KNOW
WHAT HIS PROBLEM IS.

>> [ Yawning ] HERE.

BRING HIM TO ME.

I'LL TAKE HIM. COME HERE.

[ VOLUME INCREASES ]

[ BABY COOS ]

>> [ SIGHS ]

I GOT MY SIX-WEEK CHECKUP TODAY.

>> YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT.

HOW'D THAT GO?

>> GOOD.

THE DOCTOR SAID WE COULD GET
BACK TO BUSINESS, IF YOU KNOW
WHAT I MEAN.

>> REALLY?

YOU UP FOR THAT?

>> I AM IF YOU ARE.

>> YOU KNOW, I JUST FIGURED
YOU'RE SO TIRED WITH THE BABY
AND EVERYTHING.

[ ANNOUNCER SPEAKING
INDISTINCTLY ]

>> [ SIGHS ]

JOSH, WE HAVEN'T HAD SEX IN SIX
MONTHS.

>> RIGHT. RIGHT.

NO NEED TO RUSH.

[ TELEVISION SHUTS OFF ]

>> HEY, WHAT ARE YOU --

>> DO I DISGUST YOU?

>> WHAT?

NO, OF COURSE NOT.

>> IS IT BECAUSE I HAVE STRETCH
MARKS NOW?

AM I JUST GROSS TO YOU?

>> YOU ARE PERFECT EXACTLY
THE WAY YOU ARE.

OKAY?

I'M SERIOUS.

[ TELEVISION TURNS ON ]

[ ANNOUNCER SPEAKING
INDISTINCTLY ]

>> THEN WHY DON'T YOU STOP
JERKING OFF AND FUCK YOUR WIFE?

[ SIGHS ]

[ ANNOUNCER CONTINUES ]

[ WATER RUNNING ]

[ WATER SHUTS OFF ]

[ SNIFFS ]

OH, FOR CHRIST'S SAKE.

OH, YOU'RE SO SEXY.

[ SIGHS ]

[ TOY VIBRATING ]

OH, GOD.

[ MOANS ]

[ BABY CRYING ]

[ MOANING ]

>> HONEY!

HONEY!

>> FUCK.

OH.

[ SIGHS ]

[ BABY CRYING ]

WHAT TIME ARE YOU GONNA BE HOME
TONIGHT?

>> UH, IT'S HARD TO SAY.

THEY ARE REALLY KILLING US THIS
WEEK.

BUT, UM, I'LL DO MY BEST.

>> BYE.

[ DOOR OPENS ]

[ DOOR CLOSES ]

[ BABY CRYING ]

[ BABY COOING ]

[ BABY CRIES ]

[ CRYING STOPS ]

[ CRYING RESUMES ]

[ CRYING CONTINUES ]

[ CRYING STOPS ]

[ SIGHS ]

[ LIGHTER FLICKS ]

[ CRYING RESUMES ]

FUCK.

>> YOU SUPPOSED TO BE SMOKING,
MOMMY?

[ CHUCKLES ]

>> NONE OF YOUR FUCKING
BUSINESS.

>> DO YOU MIND IF I HAVE ONE?

ONE OF YOUR...

[ CRYING CONTINUES ]

THANK YOU.

DO YOU HAVE A LIGHT?

>> WHAT? DO YOU WANT ME TO LIGHT
IT FOR YOU?

>> WOULD YOU MIND?

THANK YOU.

I'M CAL, BY THE WAY.

>> I'M KELLY.

>> NICE TO MEET YOU.

YOUR KID IS CRYING, KELLY.

>> I KNOW.

THE WHOLE FUCKING NEIGHBORHOOD
CAN HEAR HIM CRY.

>> SO, YOU'RE JUST GONNA LET HIM
CRY IT OUT?

CRY IT OUT?

>> IT'S CALLED FERBERIZING.

WHEN THEY CRY.

>> RIGHT, I THINK I HEARD OF
FERBERIZING.

>> [ SCOFFS ]

I'M SURE YOU HAVE.

>> NO, I'M NOT KIDDING.

>> OKAY.

COOL. SMOKE RINGS.

>> YOU HAVE GREAT TITS.

>> EXCUSE ME?

>> THIS LITTLE JUNIOR IN THERE
SHOULD BE MORE GRATEFUL.

>> I DON'T KNOW WHO YOU ARE, BUT
YOU SHOULD NOT --

>> WHOA, WHOA, WHOA. RELAX.

I WAS TRYING TO GIVE YOU A
COMPLIMENT, LIKE A...

>> GET AWAY FROM MY HOUSE.

>> WELL, DRAW THE FREAKIN'
CURTAINS IF YOU DON'T WANT THE

WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD TO WATCH YOU
BREASTFEED.

>> IF YOU DON'T LEAVE, I'LL -- I

WILL CALL THE COPS.

>> OKAY. OKAY. OKAY.

OKAY.

CIAO, MAMACITA.

[ CRYING CONTINUES ]

>> OH, FUCK.

>> THAT'S, UH, SOME OPENING
LINE, YOU KNOW.

"NICE TITS."

[ CHUCKLES ]

>> [ CHUCKLES ]

I FEEL LIKE SUCH AN ASSHOLE.

>> WHY?

THE KID'S A PEEPING TOM.

>> I KNOW, BUT HE'S KIND OF THE
FIRST REAL PERSON I'VE MET SINCE

WE'VE MOVED HERE.

>> OH, SO HE GETS A FREE PASS
BECAUSE HE'S IN A WHEELCHAIR?

>> NO, I JUST SHOULDN'T HAVE
SNAPPED AT HIM.

>> [ CHUCKLES ]

HE'S A PERV.

>> WELL, AT LEAST SOMEONE'S
LOOKING.

>> I'M LOOKING.

IT'S JUST HARD TO THINK OF YOUR
BOOBS LIKE THAT WHEN THEY'RE
JACKSON'S FOOD SUPPLY RIGHT NOW.

>> WOW.
SINCE YOU PUT IT LIKE THAT...

>> KNOW WHAT YOU SHOULD DO?

TAKE THE BABY ON A STROLL.

EXPLORE THE NEIGHBORHOOD A
LITTLE BIT, YOU KNOW?

A LITTLE, UH, EXERCISE, GET THE
ENDORPHINS GOING.

>> SURE.

I'M EXHAUSTED, I CAN BARELY GET
DRESSED, BUT A NICE, BRISK WALK
IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD -- THAT

MIGHT DO THE TRICK.

>> YOU NEVER KNOW.

[ KISSES ]

IT'LL GET BETTER.

>> SO THEY SAY.

[ JACKSON CRYING ]

[ SNIFFS ]

SHH. SHH, SHH.

[ CRYING CONTINUES ]

EASY.

OKAY.

[ SIGHS ]

[ JACKSON COOING ]

[ CHILDREN SHOUTING ]

HEY!

HEY!

HEY!

WAIT!

>> I AM NOWHERE NEAR YOUR HOUSE.

>> OH, WAIT!

WAIT.

I WANTED TO APOLOGIZE FOR

YELLING AT YOU BEFORE.

>> OH, YEAH?

>> YEAH.

I DIDN'T REALIZE THAT, UM...

>> OH, RIGHT. THE CHAIR.

BECAUSE TOURETTES IS A COMMON

SIDE EFFECT OF SPINAL INJURIES.

OKAY.

>> NO, I'VE JUST BEEN FEELING

REALLY EXHAUSTED AND OUT OF

SORTS, YOU KNOW, SINCE THE --

>> YOU GOT YOUR BABY TO SLEEP.

CONGRATULATIONS.

>> YEAH, I DID.

APPARENTLY HE -- HE REALLY LIKES

GOING ON WALKS.

>> ME, TOO.

[ CHUCKLES ]

YOU KNOW, THAT'S A JOKE ABOUT

THE WALKING.

YOU CAN LAUGH.

>> RIGHT.

OKAY.

>> OKAY.

THIS IS MY STOP.

>> WOW.

YOU LIVE HERE?

NICE HOUSE.

>> I ACCEPT YOUR APOLOGY,
AND IN RETURN,

I APOLOGIZE IF I ADMIRED
YOUR BREASTS INAPPROPRIATELY.

[ CELLPHONE RINGS ]

>> OH, HEY.

>> Hey.

Mom wanted to drop by for dinner
tonight.

Okay with you?

>> YE-- SURE.

>> HE'S SO BIG!

>> HE'S SO BEAUTIFUL.

>> SO SWEET.

>> YOU ARE THE SWEETEST ONE!

[ CHUCKLES ]

HE IS THE SWEETEST ONE EVER.

AND YOU LOOK SO BEAUTIFUL,
JULIE.

>> JACKSON.

>> HE LOOKS JUST LIKE YOU,
KELLY.

>> OOH, THAT IS PLENTY WINE.

>> THIS WAS SO GREAT.

THANKS AGAIN FOR COOKING, MOM.

>> IT WAS REALLY GOOD.

>> IT WAS MY PLEASURE, AS
ALWAYS.

>> MM, MM, MM.

>> OKAY. OKAY.

>> DOES ANYBODY, UH, WANT
ANYTHING FROM THE KITCHEN?

>> HOW WAS YOUR DAY, MOMMY?

>> HUH?

I'M SORRY.

[ CLEARS THROAT ]

WHAT?

>> YOU MUST BE EXHAUSTED.

I WAS JUST WONDERING HOW YOUR
DAY WAS.

>> OKAY.

[ CLEARS THROAT ]

GOOD.

I MET A NEIGHBOR.

I, UH...

>> ALL RIGHT.

>> YOU DID?

>> ALL RIGHT.

>> GREAT.

THAT'S WONDERFUL.

REMEMBER OUR NEIGHBOR CHARLIE?

>> HE'S BACK WITH HIS WIFE NOW.

>> THE OLD WIFE?

>> YEAH. MARY ELLEN.

>> OH, GUYS, DON'T FORGET I'M

TAKING JACKSON TO MY WALKING
GROUP ON THURSDAY.

[ CHILDREN SHOUTING ]

>> [ SIGHS ]

>> BUT I DON'T KNOW.

MAYBE IT IS.

MAYBE IT HAS TO DO WITH --

>> HI.

ARE YOU GUYS AN ORGANIZED
MOMMIES GROUP, OR YOU...?

>> THIS IS THE GLENDORA PARK
MOTHER'S GROUP.

>> COOL.

WELL, I JUST MOVED HERE LIKE A
FEW MONTHS AGO, RIGHT BEFORE HE

WAS BORN, SO I HAVEN'T GOTTEN
OUT YET.

>> YOU SHOULD CHECK US OUT
ONLINE.

>> OH.

OKAY.

>> YEAH, THERE'S AN APPLICATION
AND, UH, A MEMBERSHIP FEE FOR
SNACKS AND ACTIVITIES.

>> SURE, THAT MAKES SENSE.

>> BUT EVERYONE'S WELCOME TO
JOIN.

[ BABY CRIES ]

>> SEE YOU SOON.

>> YOU BET.

>> AWW!

>> [ SIGHS ]

[ INDISTINCT ROCK MUSIC
PLAYING ]

[ INDISTINCT ROCK MUSIC
PLAYING ]

[ INDISTINCT ROCK MUSIC
PLAYING ]

HEY.

[ MUSIC TURNS OFF ]

>> HEY.

YOU CAN IGNORE THAT. COME IN.

IS HE SLEEPING?

>> YEAH.

FINALLY.

WHERE DID YOU GET ALL THESE
SIGNS?

>> OH, IT'S A STUPID GAME ME
AND MY GIRLFRIEND BAILEY
USED TO PLAY.

EX-GIRLFRIEND.

>> [ SIGHS ] NICE PLACE.

>> THANK YOU.

WELCOME TO THE CLUBHOUSE.

>> [ CHUCKLES ]

>> LET ME GET YOU A BEER.

>> UH, NO. I'M NURSING.

>> OH, YOU KNOW, SOME CULTURES

PRESCRIBE A DAILY BEER FOR
NURSING MOTHERS.

GUINNESS, ESPECIALLY.

I THINK I HAVE ONE BACK HERE.

>> I LOVE GUINNESS.

BUT I'M NOT -- NO.

UM, THANK YOU. UM...

SO, YOU LIVE OUT HERE?

>> YES, I DO.

MY PARENTS DIDN'T WANT TO
REMODEL.

IT FUCKS UP RESALE VALUE.

>> WOW.

ARE THEY GONNA INVEST IN A

DECENT RAMP ANYTIME SOON?

>> WHAT'S WRONG WITH MY RAMP?

>> WOBBLES.

>> WELL, I LIKE TO LIVE

DANGEROUSLY.

BESIDES, WHAT'S THE WORST THAT

COULD HAPPEN, REALLY?

SO...

MY MOM IS SUDDENLY THIS HUGE

CRUSADER FOR THE DISABLED.

SHE'S ALL OVER THE HIGH SCHOOL

TO UPGRADE ACCESS TO THE STADIUM

FOR GRADUATION, WHICH I HAVE NO

PLANS ON ATTENDING.

BUT WHY SHOULD THAT STOP HER?

I MEAN, THERE'S LIKE GENOCIDE IN

DARFUR AND HUMAN TRAFFICKING ALL

THROUGHOUT EASTERN EUROPE, BUT

HER SON NEEDS A NEW FUCKING

RAMP.

YEAH. WHATEVER.

SHE WAS PROBABLY SECRETLY
PLEASED WHEN IT HAPPENED.

IT GAVE HER SOMETHING TO DO.

FUCKING CLIPPED MY WINGS JUST A
LITTLE BIT.

MY FATHER, ON THE OTHER HAND,
COMPLETELY CONVINCED THAT I'M

NOT GONNA BE IN THIS CHAIR LONG
ENOUGH TO WARRANT GETTING A NEW
RAMP.

HE'S ALL BEDAZZLED BY THESE,

UH, NEW ADVANCES IN STEM-CELL
RESEARCH, YOU KNOW.

THEORETICAL ADVANCES, MIND YOU.

"YOU'LL BE VERTICAL IN NO TIME,
BUDDY."

VERTICAL.

FUCKING JOCK.

[ BOTTLE THUDS ]

[ JACKSON CRYING ]

OH, SHIT. MY BAD.

>> IT'S NOT YOU.

HE DOES THIS ALL THE TIME.

IT'S LIKE HE HATES ME.

>> WHAT'S HIS NAME?

>> JACKSON.

>> JACKSON?

NO WONDER HE HATES YOU.

>> HMM.

>> CAN I CALL HIM JACK?

>> YEAH. SURE.

>> YOU EVER TRY SWADDLING?

>> WHAT?

>> SWADDLING.

MAY I?

>> OKAY.

>> HAND HIM TO ME.

>> HOLD HIS HEAD.

>> TRY TO TAKE THIS BLANKET OFF
HERE.

DON'T WANT HIM TO GET TOO HOT.

HELLO, JACK. SHH.

HE'S HANDSOME.

[ JACKSON COOING ]

THERE YOU GO.

LOOK AT THAT, BUDDY.

HEY, JACK.

IT'S MY QUIET, LITTLE FRIEND
RIGHT THERE.

>> WHERE DID YOU LEARN THAT?

>> I USED TO WORK AT THIS
HALFWAY HOUSE FOR RECOVERING
METH ADDICTS.

THERE WAS A LOT OF UNWED MOTHERS
THERE.

AND JUST...TERRIBLE.

>> REALLY?

>> NO.

I HAVE A BABY COUSIN I TAKE CARE
OF SOMETIMES.

MOSTLY I JUST DO IT TO MESS WITH
MY DAD'S HEAD.

HE GETS SO EXCITED.

HE'S LIKE, "GOOD JOB, SON."

YOU KNOW, THAT'S THE FIRST
THING HE ASKED THE DOCTOR

WHEN I GOT INJURED WAS
CAN I STILL GET LAID.

OF COURSE HE ASKED IN MORE
RESPECTABLE TERMS, LIKE, CAN I
STILL HAVE BABIES.

NOW, THAT IS WHAT MOST PEOPLE
WANT TO KNOW, EXCEPT USUALLY,

YOU KNOW, THEY'RE TOO SCARED TO
ASK UNLESS THEY'RE DRUNK.

IT'S PRETTY AMAZING WHAT THEY
CAN DO THESE DAYS FOR THESE GUYS
THAT ARE, LIKE, HARDCORE CRIPS.

YOU KNOW, THE GUYS THAT CAN'T
MOVE, LIKE, ZIP, ZILCH, NOTHING,
RIGHT?

>> HOW DO THEY...

>> THEY HAVE THIS, LIKE, ANAL

VIBRATOR THING, AND THEY JUST
STICK IT UP THE GUY'S ASS AND

BASICALLY STIMULATE THE POOR
FUCKER UNTIL HE ORGASMS, THEN

CLEAN UP THE BABY BATTER, USE IT
FOR IN VITRO, BOOM, HE'S OFF AND
RUNNING.

SO, I GUESS NEVER STOP
BELIEVING.

>> THAT'S GREAT.

THAT -- THAT'S --

>> YEAH.

>> THAT THEY CAN DO THAT.

>> FORTUNATELY FOR SOME OF US,

WE DON'T NEED THAT MUCH HELP.

AND THE ANSWER'S YES, UH, IF THE

LADY'S ON TOP.

BUT ALSO MY TONGUE STILL WORKS.

>> OKAY, I'M GONNA GO.

UM, IT WAS NICE TALKING TO YOU.

THANKS FOR SHARING YOUR PLACE.

UM...

>> HEY, IF YOU EVER, UH, NEED A

SWADDLING, COME ON BACK.

>> YEAH. OH, THANK YOU.

[ JACKSON GRUNTS ]

I KNOW. I KNOW, I KNOW.

[ DOOR OPENS ]

[ JACKSON CRIES ]

>> WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

>> I'M JUST TRYING TO...

I DON'T KNOW.

>> HERE. HERE.

JUST LET ME HAVE HIM.

HI.

OOH! HEY, BUDDY.

WHAT'S UP?

[ JACKSON COOS ]

>> [ SIGHS ]

I SUCK.

[ DOOR CLOSES ]

I SUCK AT THIS.

[ TOY SQUEAKS ]

[ JACKSON CRYING ]

[ DRUMS PLAYING ]

>> JACK, MY MAIN MAN, YOU MADE

IT BACK.

>> [ CHUCKLES ]

SO, WHERE DID YOU GET DRUMS?

>> OH, DEAR, OLD DAD.

YOU KNOW, I, UH, WAS BUMMED OUT

ABOUT THE GUITAR, SO HE WENT ON

A BIT OF A SHOPPING SPREE.

YOU GOT PROBLEMS, YOU THROW

MONEY AT IT.

IT'S A VERY SOPHISTICATED,
EMOTIONAL TECHNIQUE, YOU KNOW?

>> AND WHAT HAPPENED TO THE
GUITAR?

>> OH, THE GUITAR, IT WAS
NOTHING.

IT WAS ME. IT'S MY HANDS.

OH, DON'T LOOK SO FUCKING SAD.

I CAN STILL DO PLENTY OF THINGS,

PROVIDED IT DOESN'T REQUIRE ANY

FINE MOTOR SKILLS.

SHIT, EVEN A ONE-ARMED DUDE
COULD BE A DRUMMER, RIGHT?

>> YEAH.

SO, WHERE'S THIS GUITAR?

WOW.

>> YOU LIKE?

>> SWEET.

IT'S BEEN AWHILE.

[ GUITAR STRUMMING ]

I-I WOULD HAVE TO CUT MY NAILS.

>> JACK, LISTEN TO YOUR MOM.

SHE'S FUCKING ROCKING IT.

[ JACKSON COOS ]

>> HE LIKES YOU.

>> YEAH, WELL, THAT'S 'CAUSE I
TALK TO HIM, YOU KNOW, LIKE A
REAL PERSON.

MAN TO MAN, ISN'T THAT RIGHT,
MR. JACK?

>> IT'S THAT SIMPLE, HUH?

>> IT REALLY -- YEAH, I MEAN,

IT'S PRETTY AMAZING WHAT A

STRAIGHTFORWARD CONVERSATION

BETWEEN EQUALS CAN ACCOMPLISH,
YOU KNOW?

>> MAYBE I SHOULD TRY THAT.

>> WHERE'D YOU LEARN TO PLAY?

>> I WAS IN A BAND.

>> WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.

YOU WERE IN A BAND?

>> YES.

WHY DO YOU LOOK SO SURPRISED?

I WASN'T ALWAYS A SUBURBAN
HOUSEWIFE.

I WAS YOUNG AND WILD ONCE.

>> LET ME GUESS.

YOU WERE IN, LIKE, A MID '90s
KIND OF RIOT-GRRRL BAND TYPE
THING?

>> WHAT?

WHAT DO YOU KNOW ABOUT RIOT

GRRRLS?

IT WAS KIND OF LIKE

SLEATER-KINNEY IN A WAY.

>> AH.

SO YOU WERE, LIKE, A GUITARIST?

>> I PLAYED BASS, AND I WROTE
ALL THE LYRICS.

>> SLEATER-KINNEY DIDN'T HAVE A
BASSIST.

>> YOU ARE VERY SMART.

NO, THEY DIDN'T.

WE ASPIRED TO BE LIKE
SLEATER-KINNEY.

>> SO, WHAT WAS YOUR BAND'S
NAME?

>> [ CHUCKLES ]

WE WERE CALLED WET-NAP.

>> WET-NAP?

>> [ LAUGHS ]

YEAH, WE THOUGHT IT WOULD BE
KIND OF GRITTY AND DIRTY, AND WE

LIKED THE FACT THAT IT HAD THE
WORD "WET" IN IT, YOU KNOW.

>> SO, LIKE WET-NAP, LIKE THE
THING YOU

LIKE AFTER YOU EAT RIBS,
YOU GET A WET

A MOIST TOWELETTE
AND YOU WIPE
YOUR RIBS GREASE?

>> YEAH, ACTUALLY.

[ LAUGHS ]

>> [ LAUGHS ]

>> THAT WAS ACTUALLY ONE OF OUR
BIGGEST SONGS.

I'M NOT KIDDING.

>> WHAT? NO WAY.

>> IT WAS CALLED

"MOIST TOWELETTE," AND WE WOULD

PLAY IT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE
SHOW, AND THAT'S WHEN EVERYBODY
WOULD LOSE THEIR SHIT.

>> YOU ARE JERKING MY CHAIN
RIGHT NOW.

>> [ CHUCKLES ]

>> WELL, I'D LIKE TO HEAR THAT
SOMETIME.

>> MAYBE YOU WILL.

[ CRICKETS CHIRPING ]

[ DRUMS PLAYING IN DISTANCE ]

>> * I CAN'T CUT THE STRING

* THAT'S TYING YOU TO ME

* LOVE WILL LET YOU IN

* BUT I WON'T MAKE YOU COME IN

AGAIN *

* OOH, OOH

* DANCE UNTIL WE SLEEP

* UNDER THAT MARQUEE

* 20 MILES FROM HOME

* WITH YOU IS THE ONLY PLACE

WHERE I'VE NEVER FELT ALONE *

* SO I NEED

* I JUST NEED TO KNOW IF YOU

HEAR ME *

* I JUST NEED TO KNOW IF YOU'RE

LEAVING *

* I JUST NEED TO KNOW THAT

YOU'LL NEVER LET ME GO *

>> WHAT IS THAT?

ARE YOU GONNA START

BREAK-DANCING FOR ME?

YOU GONNA BREAK-DANCE?

>> THIS, MY LITTLE MILLENNIAL

SMART ASS, IS A DEVICE USED FOR

PLAYING AN OBSOLETE FORM OF

MUSICAL TECHNOLOGY CALLED THE

CASSETTE TAPE.

>> OHHH. OKAY.

>> AND IN THE OLDEN DAYS, BEFORE

MP3s AND ALL THAT GARBAGE, WE

USED THIS AS THE HOMEMADE

RECORDING DEVICE OF CHOICE.

>> "MOIST TOWELETTE"?

>> I DON'T KNOW. IS IT?

[ CASSETTE LID CLOSES ]

>> OKAY, OKAY, OKAY.

>> ARE YOU READY?

>> YEAH. YEAH.

[ MID-TEMPO ROCK MUSIC PLAYING ]

>> [ CHUCKLES ]

>> * I LIVE IN A DARKNESS

* YOU CAN NEVER FEAR

>> [ CHUCKLES ]

>> * UNDERNEATH THE BLACK

LIGHT *

* AS I LIKE THE TASTE

* AND I'D WALK FOR MILES

* JUST TO SCREAM YOUR NAME

>> [ CHUCKLES ]

>> * YOU GIVE ME THE RUNAROUND

* I NEVER BE THE SAME

* I WANT, I WANT, WANT TO BE

YOUR MOIST TOWELETTE *

>> OH, MY GOD!

>> [ LAUGHS ]

>> ALL RIGHT.

[ CHUCKLES ]

* OH, LET ME BE YOUR

MOIST TOWELETTE *

>> * MOIST TOWELETTE

DUDE!

>> * RUB YOUR HANDS ON ME

[ MUSIC STOPS ]

>> DUDE, THAT IS SO FUCKING

EXCELLENT.

>> THANKS.

>> YEAH.

[ STAMMERS ]

I CAN'T TALK.

>> WHAT? [ CHUCKLES ]

I GUESS WE WERE ALL RIGHT.

ALSO BEFORE THERE WERE BLOGS AND

THE INTERWEBS AND YOU COULDN'T

TOUCH AND FEEL EVERYTHING, WE

PRIMITIVES LIKED TO SHARE OUR

INFORMATION AND SPREAD THE FIRE

THROUGH LITTLE THINGS CALLED

ZINES.

>> ZINES.

THAT'S REALLY COOL.

THAT ART, THAT'S...

YEAH.
YOU KNOW, I USED TO BE, LIKE,

REALLY GOOD AT THAT, TOO.

LIKE, UH, I HAD SCHOLARSHIPS
LINED UP AND EVERYTHING FOR ART.

>> I WANT TO SEE THAT SOMETIME.

>> YEAH, WELL, I BURNED THEM
ALL.

[ SCOFFS ]

>> OKAY, WELL, DO YOU RECOGNIZE
ANYBODY?

>> THAT'S YOU.

OH, MY GOD.

THAT'S YOU ON THE LEFT.

>> YEP.

WE WERE LOUD AND PROUD.

>> HEY, THEY'RE HERE!

>> OKAY, I'LL BE RIGHT DOWN!

>> I'M GONNA GO START UP THE
GRILL!

>> YOU DO THAT, HONEY!

[ SIZZLING ]

>> THANKS, DAD.

THERE YOU GO.

>> THINK FAST.

OH, AND IN CASE YOU'RE
WONDERING, I LIKE MINE TOASTED.

OH, SHIT, I ALMOST FORGOT.

>> YOU KNOW WHAT?

I THINK SOMETHING'S WRONG WITH
HER.

NO, REALLY.

ARE YOU GUYS OKAY?

>> OH, FUCK OFF, JULIE.

>> YO FUCK OFF.

>> PLEASE.

>> SUCH LANGUAGE.

>> COME ON, GUYS.

>> DEVILED EGGS.

[ CHUCKLES ]

>> DO YOU EVEN LIKE DEVILED
EGGS?

>> HIS FAMILY CAN JUST BE SO
ANNOYING AND 1950s.

I FELT LIKE TAKING IT TO THE

NEXT LEVEL, YOU KNOW, WHIPPING
UP SOME DEVILED EGGS.

>> CLEARLY, YEAH. DEVILED EGGS.

>> [ CHUCKLES ]

>> THEY EAT THEM, AT LEAST?

>> YEAH, IT WAS GOOD.

IT'S A BABY. EXCUSE US.

[ CHUCKLES ]

WE MUST LOOK LIKE FREAKS.

>> NOT ME. YOU WITH THE HAIR.

>> [ LAUGHS ]

>> WHAT? DID YOU KNOW ABOUT HIM

AND HIS FAMILY OR WHATEVER

BEFORE YOU GOT MARRIED?

>> I DIDN'T THINK THEY WOULD BE

SO INVOLVED IN OUR LIVES.

AND I DIDN'T THINK WE'D BE

MOVING HERE, THAT'S FOR SURE.

>> WHAT ABOUT YOUR PARENTS?

>> OH, WELL, MY DAD'S DEAD.

>> SORRY.

WHAT ABOUT YOUR MOM?

>> WE DON'T SPEAK.

>> SHE HASN'T MET JACKSON?

>> NOT YET.

SHE LIVES IN UPSTATE NEW YORK,

AND SHE'S VERY BUSY WHORING

HERSELF AROUND THE SENIOR
CIRCUIT, SO...

>> OH, MAN. COUNT ME IN.

>> [ LAUGHS ]

>> THOUGHT I HATED MY PARENTS,

BUT, I MEAN...

>> CAN WE TALK ABOUT ANYTHING
ELSE?

>> I REALLY LIKE YOUR HAIR.

I MEAN, I THINK IT'S FUCKING
SEXY.

>> YOU DO?

YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN THE LOOKS

ON THEIR FACES WHEN I CAME OUT

AND I WAS JUST LIKE, "TA-DA!"

WITH THE [Laughing] PLATTER.

>> [ LAUGHS ]

>> I DON'T KNOW.

>> IT'S FUNNY.

YOU'RE NOT YOUR MOM, THOUGH, YOU
KNOW, I MEAN --

>> WHAT?

>> I JUST MEAN YOU'RE GONNA
FIGURE IT OUT.

IT'S NOT GONNA BE LIKE THAT FOR
YOU AND JACK, YOU KNOW.
FOR JACK-O.

[ JACKSON COOING ]

>> THANK YOU FOR HELPING ME WITH
HIM AND -- AND EVERYTHING.

>> SHUT THE FUCK UP. COME ON.

>> DID YOU JUST MIMIC ME?

>> [ Laughing ] YEAH.

HOLD ON.

>> UPSY DAISY.

[ GASPS ]

[ HUMMING ]

>> YOO-HOO! IN HERE!

>> HEY.

I DIDN'T EXPECT TO SEE YOU GUYS
AGAIN SO SOON.

>> WELL, JOSH TOLD US THAT HE'D

BE WORKING LATE A LOT, AND HE
ASKED US TO CHECK UP ON YOU.

>> OH. GOOD.

NEAT-O.

>> MOM AND I HAVE BEEN TALKING

ABOUT YOU.

>> IS THIS AN INTERVENTION?

>> [ LAUGHS ]

>> OF COURSE NOT.

YOU MAKE IT SOUND LIKE YOU'RE
AN -- AN ADDICT OR SOMETHING.

>> YOU'RE NOT, ARE YOU?

>> NO!

[ SIGHS ]

NO.

>> NO, YOU'RE JUST

SLEEP-DEPRIVED, OVERWORKED, AND
EXHAUSTED.

>> SO WE THOUGHT THAT WE COULD

HELP OUT WITH MEALS AND
BABYSITTING.

>> WE WANTED YOU TO HAVE A

CHANCE TO GET OUT, CLEAR YOUR

MIND, AND GET RECHARGED AND COME

BACK READY TO LOVE THE LITTLE
POOPER.

>> I DO LOVE MY LITTLE POOPER.

>> OF COURSE YOU DO.

>> AND I'VE GOT THE NUMBER OF A

REALLY GOOD THERAPIST FOR THIS

SORT OF THING.

>> WOW.

YOU HAVEN'T EVEN FOUND A SPERM

DONOR AND YOU'VE ALREADY LOCATED

A-A POST-PARTUM COUNSELOR FOR
ME?

>> SEE?

THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT I MEAN,
THE MOODINESS,
THE IRRATIONAL OUTBURSTS.

>> THAT WAS A JOKE, JULIE!

THAT'S NOT EVEN AN OUTBURST!

>> I THINK YOU NEED HELP.

>> WE'D LIKE TO COME BY EVERY
AFTERNOON.

WOULD THAT BE ALL RIGHT?

>> DO I HAVE A CHOICE?

>> WHY DON'T YOU GO OUT AND DO

SOMETHING NICE FOR YOURSELF?

>> LIKE MAYBE SEE A THERAPIST.

>> I WANT TO WORK WITH THE
HANDICAPPED.

>> OH.

WOW.

THAT -- THAT IS A GOOD IDEA.

YEAH, WORKING WITH THE LESS
FORTUNATE.

>> I WAS THINKING OF SOMETHING A

LITTLE MORE FUN, LIKE A NIGHT

OUT, GIRLS NIGHT OUT, OR
SOMETHING.

>> WITH YOU GUYS?

>> OF COURSE NOT.

WITH YOUR FRIENDS.

JUST TAKE SOME TIME OUT, HAVE A
COUPLE DRINKS.

>> GOSH, I HAVEN'T TALKED TO THE

GIRLS IN SO LONG.

>> NOT THAT WE WANT TO ENCOURAGE

DRINKING TO EXCESS, OF COURSE.

>> OF COURSE.

I DON'T EVEN LIKE DRINKING.

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> OH, MY GOD! KELLY!

>> HEY!

>> OH, MY GOD!

>> HEY, LADIES.

>> LOOK AT YOU!

YOUR HAIR!

>> COME HERE!

COME HERE, COME HERE, COME HERE,

COME HERE.

>> HI!
>> HEY.

>> WHEN YOU SAID YOU WERE
MOVING TO THE BURBS,
YOU WEREN'T KIDDING.

>> I KNOW.

NICE TO SEE YOU, TOO.

>> OH, PICTURES?

>> OH.
>> PICTURES.

>> PICTURES!

>> I WANT TO SEE!

>> HE'S SO BEAUTIFUL.

[ WOMEN GASP ]

>> All: AWWW!

>> SO CUTE!

>> DOESN'T HE LOOK LIKE JOSH?

>> TOTALLY.

>> AND THIS ONE -- THERE'S A
LITTLE BIT OF A SMILE.

>> OH, MY GOD.

LOOK AT ITS TEENY -- LOOK AT ITS
TEENY, LITTLE FEET!

>> I KNOW!

>> OH, MY GOD. OH, MY GOD.

KELLY, YOU'VE GOT TO SEE THE
PICTURES OF NIKKI'S NEW PUPPY.

SHOW HER.

>> OKAY.

UH, WE GOT A WEIMARANER.

THEY'RE REALLY HIGH-STRUNG DOGS.

BUT, LIKE, INTELLIGENT.

SUPER INTELLIGENT.

LIKE, HUMAN INTELLIGENT, BUT

REALLY NEEDY.

IT'S EXHAUSTING, BUT REWARDING.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.

LOOK.

[ WOMEN GASP ]

>> LOOK AT THAT.

I MEAN, LOOK AT THE BEAUTIFUL
FACE ON THAT DOG.

>> YEAH, THAT'S -- THAT'S A DOG.

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> IT'S LIKE YOUR WHOLE LIFE
CHANGES, RIGHT?

LIKE, ALL OF A SUDDEN, YOUR

WHOLE WORLD REVOLVES AROUND
THEM.

>> SWEETIE, I'M SO PROUD OF YOU,
SWEETIE.

>> TO THE MOMMIES!

>> TO THE MOMMIES.

>> TO THE MOMMIES!

>> IT'S SO NICE TO SEE YOU, KEL.

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> HOW MANY, UM, CALORIES ARE...

[ CRICKETS CHIRPING ]

[ ROCK MUSIC PLAYING ]

>> HOLA.

NACHO LADY CON CERVEZAS.

[ "MOIST TOWELETTE" PLAYING ]

HEY.

YOU ENJOYING THE VIEW?

>> NO. NOT REALLY.

WHO'S THE UPTIGHT BITCH?

>> THAT WOULD BE MY
SISTER-IN-LAW JULIE.

>> SHE'S A LITTLE BIT
OVERDRESSED.

WOW.

>> WHAT? [ CHUCKLES ]

I BROUGHT YOU NACHOS AND
CERVEZAS.

>> MUY BUENO.

TO WHAT DO I OWE THIS UNEXPECTED

NOCTURNAL PLEASURE?

>> YOU READING POETRY?

NICE MUSIC.

>> YEAH.

WELL, I KNOW THE BASSIST.

SHE'S A TOTAL FOX.

[ MUSIC TURNS OFF ]

SO, UH, WHAT ARE YOU...

DOING HERE ALL DRESSED UP?

NOT THAT I'M UNHAPPY TO SEE YOU.

BUT SHOULDN'T YOU BE AT HOME

WITH YOUR HUSBAND AND KID?

>> [ SIGHS ]

I WAS ORDERED TO GO OUT AND HAVE

A GOOD TIME, SO I HAD A GIRLS

NIGHT OUT.

>> SO, SHOULDN'T YOU BE OUT WITH

YOUR POSSE AT FUCKING

TOMMY'S TAVERN OR SOMETHING?

>> YEP. [ SIGHS ]

WOW. I REALIZED WE DON'T HAVE

ANYTHING IN COMMON ANYMORE.

>> PEOPLE ARE COWARDS.

NOBODY EVER JUST COMES OUT AND

SAYS, "DUDE, YOUR LIFE TOTALLY

FREAKS ME OUT."

THEY JUST -- PFFT -- VANISH.

>> JESUS.

SORRY.

>> THAT'S BASICALLY THE SAME

THING THAT HAPPENED TO ME.

JUST I GOT OUT OF REHAB, AND

THEY THREW THIS BIG PARTY FOR

ME, AND THEN, YOU KNOW, THEY ALL

DISAPPEARED.

I HAVEN'T SEEN THEM SINCE.

BAILEY SAID, UH, IT WAS TOO

INTENSE FOR HER.

SHE WAS FUCKING SOME OTHER DUDE

FOUR WEEKS TO THE DAY AFTER THE

ACCIDENT.

>> WHAT A BITCH.

>> YEAH, I MEAN, THIS WAS

BASICALLY HER FAULT.

>> WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

>> SHE WAS ALWAYS MAKING ME JUMP

THROUGH HOOPS AND DO CRAZY SHIT

FOR HER.

STEALING THESE SIGNS.

YOU KNOW, I WAS SUPPOSED TO
PROVE HOW I FELT ABOUT HER OR
SOMETHING.

ANYWAYS, I WAS PERFORMING WHAT
TURNED OUT TO BE THE LAST OF MY

[CLEARS THROAT] GRAND GESTURES

WHEN I HAD THE ACCIDENT.

I CLIMBED TO THE TOP OF THIS
WATER TOWER.

YOU KNOW THE ONE ON THE HILL BY
THE OVERPASS?

>> MM-HMM.

>> AND, UH, I WAS GONNA PUT HER

NAME ON IT, BUT, I MEAN, NOT

JUST HER NAME -- LIKE, THIS

WHOLE MURAL WITH, LIKE,

UNDERGROWTH AND PLANTS AND

LEAVES AND FLOWERS.

IT'S SO COOL UP THERE, MAN.

AND, UH, IT WAS A STATEMENT

ABOUT BAILEY AS THIS LIFE FORCE.

LIKE, UH, THE ELECTRICAL ENERGY

OF WILD-GROWING THINGS.

>> THAT'S BEAUTIFUL.

>> YEAH.

WELL, THIS IS HOW SHE MADE ME

FEEL.

AND, UH, I'M 50 FEET ABOVE THE

GROUND SPRAY PAINTING HER NAME,

AND THEN I NEVER FINISHED.

I GOT TO THE WORD "BAIL," WHICH

IS BASICALLY WHAT SHE DID WHEN

SHE FIGURED OUT THE FUCKING

PHYSICAL THERAPY WASN'T GONNA

TAKE.

[ SIGHS ]

>> TO ABSENT FRIENDS.

FUCK 'EM.

[ BOTTLES CLINK ]

>> FUCK 'EM.

BUT I STILL HAVE TO GO TO SCHOOL
WITH HER.

>> JESUS.

>> [ GROANS ]

I CAN'T WAIT TILL THIS
GRADUATION SHIT IS OVER!

>> OH, GOD, YOU MUST HAVE ALL

THAT SENIOR BULLSHIT COMING UP

LIKE WITH THE PAJAMA BREAKFAST

AND AMUSEMENT PARK DAY AND

[GASPS] THE PROM.

WHAT A FARCE.

>> GOD, PROM.

THERE'S NO WAY I'M ATTENDING
NOW.

>> WHO'S BAILEY GOING WITH?

>> MY FORMER BEST FRIEND, ZACK.

I'M SURE THEY'LL TAKE LOVELY
COMMEMORATIVE PHOTOS,
POST THEM ON FACEBOOK.

[ SCOFFS ]

>> I REMEMBER MY PROM.

I GOT DUMPED BY MY BOYFRIEND

TWO WEEKS BEFORE, AND, UM, HE

STARTED SEEING THIS GIRL WHO

WOULD WEAR BLACK NAIL POLISH

AFTER I DID, THEN SHE'D SHOW UP

IN THE SAME VANS AFTER I WORE

THEM, AND HE BASICALLY WAS

FALLING FOR THIS LITTLE SLUTTY
COUNTERFEIT.

IT WAS WHATEVER.

AND THEN I, YOU KNOW, I DIDN'T

WANT TO STAY HOME AND FEEL LIKE

A LOSER, SO I ASKED SOMEBODY

OUT, AND IT WAS THIS GUY NAMED

GORDY.

>> GORDY?

>> YES. GROOVY GORDY.

GROOVY GORDY WAS THE WEED
CONNECTION ON OUR CAMPUS, SO I

THOUGHT I WAS SORT OF ONE-UPPING
MY BOYFRIEND, BUT IT TURNS OUT

GROOVY GORDY WAS REALLY A
D&D-PLAYING, FANTASY-NOVEL

READING LONER WHO SPENT LOTS OF
TIME IN HIS HEAD, SO WE END UP

AT HIS HOUSE WATCHING THIS --

THIS THING CALLED "ZARDOZ" WHILE

HE'S JUST FUMBLE-Y TRYING TO
UNHOOK MY BRA, AND IT WAS

JUST --

[ LAUGHS ]

>> WAIT, WAIT.

WHAT IS "ZARDOZ"?

>> OH, YOU DON'T WANT TO KNOW.

IT WAS JUST -- THE WHOLE THING
WAS A TOTAL DEBACLE.

AND, YOU KNOW, AS FAR AS PROM
GOES, THERE ARE WORSE THINGS

THAN OPTING OUT ENTIRELY.

>> HMM.

I LIKE THAT, "OPTING OUT."

>> [ CHUCKLES ]

WELL, IT'S GETTING LATE FOR ME.

>> OKAY.

>> IT WAS NICE HANGING.

I GUESS I'LL SEE YOU WHEN I SEE
YOU.

>> OKAY.

THANKS FOR THE NACHOS,
NACHO LADY.

>> [ CHUCKLES ]

>> HEY.

>> HI.

>> GOOD NIGHT OUT?

>> YEAH, IT WAS NICE.

>> I WAS HOPING THEY'D GET YOU A
LITTLE LIQUORED UP SO I COULD
TAKE ADVANTAGE OF YOU.

>> [ CHUCKLES ]

THAT'S SWEET.

WERE YOU BUSY LIGHTING CANDLES?

>> YEAH.

I JUST, UM, WELL, I WANTED TO
TRY AND MAKE YOU
FEEL SEXY AGAIN.

>> REALLY?

>> COME HERE.

>> HI.

>> HI.

[ BOTH CHUCKLE ]

HMM.

>> YOU KNOW...

IF YOU'RE STILL TOO SORE DOWN
THERE...

WE COULD DO IT UP THE BUTT.

WHATEVER MAKES YOU FEEL SEXY.

>> SO, YOU KNOW, IF YOU'RE GONNA

PRETEND TO BE ALL SENSITIVE AND
EMOTIONAL AND SHIT, YOU MIGHT

WANT TO LAY OFF THE ANAL-SEX
REQUESTS.

[ CHUCKLES ]

UNLESS YOU JUST TOO CHICKEN SHIT

'CAUSE YOU CAN'T ADMIT YOU SAW
IT IN A VIDEO WITH A
UKRAINIAN GIRL.

[ JACKSON LAUGHING ]

HA!

OH, SORRY, I SHOULDN'T SAY ALL

THAT STUFF ABOUT YOUR DAD,

'CAUSE I LOVE YOUR DADDY, AND HE
LOVES YOUR MOMMY.

OH! OH, OH.

OH, GOOD.

IT'S ALL GOOD.

[ JACKSON SPITS UP ]

OH, CRAP.

[ DOORBELL RINGING ]

OH, YAY, IT'S MEEMAW.

>> THIS IS ONE OF MY FAVORITES.

>> OH, I JUST LOVE IT.

>> THANK YOU.

[ JACKSON COOS ]

>> YES.

[ GASPS ]

VERY STYLISH.

>> AND I LOVE YOUR OUTFIT.

>> MINE?
>> YES.

YOU LOOK SO FANTASTIC.
>> HEY, BEV.

>> OH, HEY.

I'VE GOT A SURPRISE FOR YOU.

>> A SURPRISE?

>> KELLY, COME MEET MITZI.

SHE DOES MAKEOVERS.

>> ACTUALLY, I LIKE TO SAY

I OFFER HEAD-TO-TOE
TRANSFORMATION.

>> OH. HI.

>> OKAY, COME ON.

AND SIT DOWN RIGHT OVER HERE.

>> IT'LL BE FUN!

>> SO, I UNDERSTAND YOU'VE BEEN

FEELING A LITTLE DOWN AND DUMPY
AND HOUSEWIFEY.

LET'S START WITH THAT HAIR.

HOME JOB, I TAKE IT?

>> YEAH, BUT IT'S MANIC PANIC.

IT'S JUST --

>> OH, LORD, LIKE THAT OLD
BANGLES SONG.

"JUST ANOTHER MANIC MONDAY"?

[ BOTH LAUGH ]

>> I HEAR YOU.

ANYWAY, I THINK IT CAN BE
SALVAGED.

>> AND WE ALSO BROUGHT ALONG
SOME OUTFITS FOR YOU TO TRY ON.

>> AND A LITTLE PIXIE DUST
TO BRING OUT THE NATURAL
BEAUTY IN YOU.

SO, SHALL WE GET STARTED?

>> YES!

>> OKAY.

I LIKE TRANSFORMING.

CHECK ME OUT.

EAT YOUR HEART OUT.

>> WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?

>> IT'S A DEPRESSED MOMMY

MAKEOVER.

>> WAS THAT JULIE'S IDEA?

>> ACTUALLY, IT WAS BEV'S,

BECAUSE, REALLY, WHAT
PSYCHOLOGICAL

PROBLEM/EXISTENTIAL CRISIS CAN'T
BE FIXED WITH A GOOD MAKEOVER?

[ CHUCKLES ]

>> WELL, YOU -- YOU'RE CREEPING
ME OUT.

YOU LOOK LIKE MY MOM.

>> IS THAT SUCH A BAD THING?

>> YES.

YES, IT IS A BAD THING.

>> NO, THINK ABOUT IT.

I COULD SIGN YOUR PERMISSION
SLIPS.

I COULD GET YOU OUT OF THOSE
PESKY SESSIONS WITH THE SCHOOL
COUNSELOR THAT YOU LOVE.

I COULD JUST BAIL YOU OUT OF
CLASS WHENEVER.

>> FOR THE LOVE OF GOD [SNIFFS]

AND ALL THAT IS HOLY, PLEASE
CHANGE THAT SHIRT.

>> HMM.

>> YOU GOT TO LOSE THOSE
BARRETTES, TOO.

>> YES, SIR.

>> YOU KNOW, UH...

IT'S A SHAME ABOUT THAT
TURQUOISE.

IT WAS REALLY GROWING ON ME.

>> I KNOW. ME, TOO.

BUT YOU CAN'T SOLVE THE BLUES
WITH BLUE HAIR, YOU KNOW.

>> GOD, DID BEV SAY THAT?

>> NO, ACTUALLY, THE
TRANSFORMATION LADY SAID IT.

>> THAT'S AWESOME.

>> SO, HOW WAS YOUR DAY AT
SCHOOL?

>> SCHOOL WAS SWELL.

UH...

LET ME SEE.

I PASSED MY CHEM EXAM,

WE WATCHED A VERY
ENLIGHTENING VIDEO ABOUT STDs,

UM, TRIED TO IGNORE ZACK AND
BAILEY INHALING

EACH OTHER'S FACE OFF IN THE
LIBRARY ALL DAY.

>> FUCK 'EM.

>> YEAH, FUCK 'EM.

NO PLANS FOR THE EVENING?

>> NO.

>> WHAT? NO CANDLELIT DINNER
WITH THE HUBBY?

>> NO. HE'S AT WORK.

HE'S GONNA BE HOME LATE AGAIN.

HE HAS A VERY BIG DEADLINE.

VERY BIG.

>> HE WORKS LATE A LOT,
DOESN'T HE?

>> YEAH, WELL, HE HAS A REALLY
HIGH-PRESSURE JOB.

>> YOU DON'T THINK HE'S CHEATING
ON YOU?

>> [ SCOFFS ] NO.

>> THAT'S TOO CLICHé, RIGHT?

PREGNANT WIFE, RIGHT AFTER
THE BABY'S BORN.

LISTEN, I HAVE A QUESTION
FOR YOU.

UM...

DO YOU HAVE A-A NICE DRESS?

>> A DRESS?

>> YES. A NICE DRESS.

SOMETHING NICE, YOU KNOW,

YOU WEAR TO FORMAL EVENTS
AND THAT KIND OF THING.

>> YEAH, 'CAUSE I GO TO A LOT OF
FORMAL EVENTS.

[ CHUCKLES ]

WHY?

>> BECAUSE I WANT TO TAKE YOU
SOMEWHERE NICE.

>> WELL, THAT'S SWEET OF YOU.

UNLESS YOU'RE BEING SARCASTIC,

IN WHICH CASE IT'S REALLY MEAN.

>> NO, NO, NO. I'M NOT.

>> WHERE ARE YOU GONNA TAKE ME?

>> CAN'T TELL YOU. SURPRISE.

>> EXCEPT YOU HAVE TO TELL ME,

OTHERWISE I'M NOT GONNA GO
ANYWHERE.

>> SURE YOU ARE.

SOUNDS LIKE A REQUIRED TRIP TO,
LIKE, A THRIFT SHOP,

CONSIGNMENT, VINTAGE, WHATEVER
HIPSTERS CALL IT.

>> HOW NICE OF A DRESS ARE YOU
TALKING ABOUT?

>> JUST SOMETHING THAT MAKES YOU
FEEL PRETTY AND FANCY.

>> I'M NOT GOING TO YOUR PROM,
CAL.

>> FUCK THE PROM.

>> SO?

>> SO?

BUY A DRESS, SOMETHING YOUNG AND
SEXY AND NOT MOMMYISH, NOT THAT
MOMMIES AREN'T SEXY SOMETIMES.

>> NO, YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND.

I'M NOT GOING TO YOUR PROM.

>> JUST BUY THE DAMN DRESS,
OKAY?

IT'S FOR SPECIAL TEENS AWARDS.

>> SPECIAL TEENS?

>> SPECIAL TEENS.

YOU'VE BEEN NOMINATED BEST NEW
MENTOR.

I WAS GONNA GIVE YOU MENTOR OF
THE YEAR, BUT, YOU KNOW, IT
SEEMED LIKE OVERKILL.

>> [ SIGHS ]

OH, YOU'RE SPECIAL, ALL RIGHT.

>> JUST BUY THE DAMN DRESS,

OKAY?

>> OKAY.

[ DOOR OPENS, BELL JINGLES ]

[ Ringing ]

[ SIGHS ]

>> Hello?

>> HI. IT'S ME.

>> Hey, is everything all right?

>> YEAH.

I WAS JUST CALLING TO SAY HI.

>> Oh. Well, hi, you.

>> HI.

>> The baby sleeping okay?

>> YEAH, HE FOUGHT IT FOR A
LITTLE BIT, BUT NOW HE'S DOWN.

>> Good, good.

>> SO, YOU GONNA BE THERE LATE
AGAIN TONIGHT?

>> Yeah, unfortunately.

Definitely don't wait up.

You should get some sleep while
you can.

>> OKAY.

BYE.

[ DOORBELL RINGS ]

>> WE MADE PIE!

>> THOUGHT THE KIDS MIGHT LIKE
IT.

>> WHAT KIDS?

>> THE SPECIAL TEENS, YOU KNOW.

>> OH, I'M NOT DOING THAT TODAY.

>> WHY NOT?

AREN'T YOU FEELING OKAY?

>> YOU LOOK OKAY TO ME.

>> NO, I'M -- I'M NOT FEELING UP
TO IT.

>> THAT WAS FAST.

>> WHAT?

>> THE NOVELTY WEAR OFF?

>> NO.

>> DO YOU THINK THAT THEY FEEL

LIKE BEING IN A WHEELCHAIR OR

HAVING A SEEING EYE DOG OR

SERVICE MONKEY OR WHATEVER THEIR

UNFORTUNATE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE?

THEY DON'T GOT A CHOICE.

>> SHE'S NOT SAYING SHE'LL NEVER
GO AGAIN.

SHE JUST NEEDS A DAY OFF.

>> RIGHT. THAT'S...

>> YOU KNOW, WE DON'T WANT TO
LET A GOOD PIE GO TO WASTE.

RIGHT, KELLY?

>> YEAH, OKAY.

I'LL GET US PLATES.

>> MAKE IT A CHOCOLATE CREAM
PIE!

>> TWIST MY ARM!

>> EVERYBODY ALWAYS MAKES IT
SOUND LIKE IT'S OUR FAULT, LIKE

WE'RE THESE TERRIBLE

CAREER-OBSESSED WOMEN TOO
SELFISH TO STOP AND HAVE KIDS

UNTIL IT'S TOO LATE.

[ CHUCKLES ]

WHAT ABOUT THE MAN CHILDREN IN
THEIR LATE 30s BLOWING HUGE

CHUNKS OF THEIR LIFE PLAYING
GRAND THEFT AUTO?

WHY DON'T THEY ANALYZE THAT
TREND?

>> YOU SHOULD GO OUT WITH AN
OLDER MAN.

THEY HAVE A MUCH LONGER SHELF
LIFE THAN WE DO.

>> DON'T BE DISGUSTING.

>> NO, I THINK BEV HAS A POINT.

WHO'S THAT OLD GUY?

TONY RANDALL?

HE'S STILL PUMPING OUT KIDS.

>> HE'S DEAD, KELLY.

>> YOU KNOW, IT TAKES MEN A LOT
LONGER TO GROW UP THAN WE DO.

THAT'S A FACT.

>> WHY?

BECAUSE WE LET THEM.

>> BECAUSE GROWING UP IS
ACTUALLY REALLY PAINFUL

AND WOMEN HAVE A STRONGER
THRESHOLD FOR PAIN, SUPPOSEDLY.

>> WE CAN'T ALL BE ADOLESCENT
NARCISSISTS.

WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

>> TO PUT ON SOME COFFEE AND SO

I DON'T HAVE TO LISTEN TO YOU.

NASTY.

>> [ CHUCKLES ]

[ CHUCKLES ]

>> IT'S SO EASY FOR YOU TO BE
SMUG, ISN'T IT?

YOU HAVE EVERYTHING I WANT.

YOU SHOULD BE SO HAPPY, KELLY.

WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?

>> I DON'T KNOW.

[ ENGINE REVVING ]

[ CAR HORN HONKS ]

OH, HEY.

>> HEY, LADY. NEED A RIDE?

HOP IN.

>> OKAY.

NICE WHEELS.

>> I WANTED A FIREBIRD, BUT, UH,

THIS IS MUCH MORE EXPENSIVE AND
SAFER.

MY PARENTS HAVE NO FUCKING SENSE
OF IRONY.

>> [ LAUGHS ]

>> YOU GOT IT THIS TIME.

[ TIRES SCREECH ]

[ ROCK MUSIC PLAYING ]

>> WHAT?

>> NOTHING.

[ ENGINE REVS ]

>> CAL.

>> WHAT?

>> CAL.

[ TIRES SCREECH ]

YOU JACKASS!

>> IT'S A VOLVO.

IT'S COMPLETELY SAFE, REMEMBER?

>> [ CHUCKLES ]

WOW. THERE'S LIKE NO ONE HERE.

>> YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.

WE TIMED IT PERFECTLY.

TOO LATE FOR THE LUNCH RUSH, TOO
EARLY FOR THE EARLY BIRDS, WAY

TOO EARLY FOR THE NIGHT OWLS.

>> OKAY, SO WHAT'S GOOD HERE?

>> WELL, UM, ACTUALLY, CAN WE

JUST HAVE TWO ORDERS OF
FRENCH FRIES WITH GRAVY,

TWO CHERRY COKES,
EXTRA SYRUP, AND $5 IN QUARTERS,
SAME AS ALWAYS?

[ CLICKS TONGUE ]

>> I GUESS THAT'S WHAT I'LL BE
HAVING.

>> [ CHUCKLES ]

SHE USED TO BE MY BABYSITTER.

>> REALLY?
>> YEAH.

>> SHE DIDN'T EVEN LOOK YOU IN
THE EYE.

>> YEAH, I KNOW.

NOBODY DOES.

EXCEPT FOR YOU.

>> OKAY, SO WHAT'S WITH THE
QUARTERS?

>> [ KNOCKS ]

>> [ GASPS ]

>> THIS GOES ALL THE WAY BACK TO
THE '80s.

IT'S WHEN YOU WERE IN HIGH
SCHOOL, RIGHT?

>> SHUT UP.

OH, MY GOD.

I REMEMBER ALL THESE SONGS.

[ CHUCKLES ]

>> DID YOU GET THE DRESS?

>> THE DRESS?

>> YOU KNOW. THE DRESS.

>> NO, I DON'T KNOW.

WHAT ARE YOU -- WHAT --

>> COME ON, YOU KNOW EXACTLY

WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT.

DON'T DO THIS.

>> YES, I GOT A DRESS.

>> OKAY.

>> A REALLY KICK-ASS ONE,
ACTUALLY.

>> WHAT'S IT LOOK LIKE?

>> I'M NOT TELLING YOU.

THAT'LL BE MY SURPRISE.

[ CYNDI LAUPER'S

"ALL THROUGH THE NIGHT" PLAYS ]

>> [ CHUCKLES ]

>> [ Chuckling ] NICE.

>> * ALL THROUGH THE NIGHT

* I'LL BE AWAKE AND I'LL BE WITH
YOU *

[ OVEN BUZZES ]

[ DOOR OPENS ]

>> HELLO!

[ DOOR CLOSES ]

HEY.

WOW, THAT SMELLS GOOD.

>> YOU'RE HOME EARLY.

>> MM-HMM.

MOM SAID SHE MADE LASAGNA, AND I
WASN'T GONNA MISS THAT.

>> OF COURSE.

SHE SAID SOMETHING ABOUT THAT.

>> SWEET.

SO, I'LL JUST GO CHANGE, AND

I'LL BE RIGHT BACK DOWN.

>> MOM'S LASAGNA.

>> MMM. [ CHUCKLES ]

HAS IT BEEN HELPFUL HAVING HER
AND, UM, JULIE AROUND?

>> YEAH.

>> HOW'D YOU GET ON THAT WHOLE,

UM, HELPING THE HANDICAPPED
THING?

>> OH, I DON'T KNOW.

I THINK I JUST FELT BAD ABOUT,

UM, YELLING AT THE KID IN THE
WHEELCHAIR.

[ DOORBELL RINGS ]

>> I'LL SEE.

[ CLEARS THROAT ]

>> HI.

>> HEY.

>> MRS. COOPER -- IS SHE IN?

>> OH, HONEY?

>> UM...

>> HI, MRS. COOPER.

>> HI, CALVIN.

>> OH, YOU DIDN'T --
YOU DIDN'T FORGET, DID YOU?

>> OH, MY GOODNESS.

I DID FORGET.

>> SPECIAL TEEN AWARDS.

MISS COOPER IS PROBABLY TOO
MODEST TO TELL YOU,

BUT SHE'S BEEN NOMINATED
FOR BEST NEW MENTOR.

>> [ CHUCKLES ]

OH, WOW.

THAT'S TONIGHT?

>> CAN'T WIN IF YOU DON'T GO.

>> OKAY, UH, I'LL -- I'LL GO GET

READY.

>> COME ON IN.

>> HEY, THANKS.

>> SURE.

>> I WAS COMING HOME LATE FROM
SCHOOL ONE NIGHT.

WE WERE WORKING HARD ON OUR
HARVARD MODEL U.N. DEBATE.

MY TEAM WAS ARGUING IN FAVOR OF

MICROLOANS FOR PHYSICALLY ABUSED
PAKISTANI WOMEN TO START THEIR
OWN CANDLE-MAKING CO-OP.

>> [ SIGHS ]

>> WE LEFT HIGH-FIVING EACH
OTHER, WALKING ON AIR,
SURE THAT WE WOULD WIN.

>> HMM.

>> BUT...

I NEVER MADE THAT DEBATE.

[ FOOTSTEPS RESONATE ]

A DRUNK DRIVER PLOWED ACROSS THE
DIVIDER AND CHANGED MY LIFE
FOREVER.

>> SHIT.

>> YOU KNOW WHAT, THOUGH?

THANKS TO THE HARD WORK OF MY

TEAM, THAT CO-OP HAS HELPED OVER
300 WOMEN CHANGE THEIR LIVES
FOREVER.

>> [ CHUCKLES ]

>> OH, YEAH?

>> ONE CANDLE AT A TIME.

>> OH, COOL. THANKS, MAN.

THAT'S AWESOME. THANKS.

[ SNIFFS ] CINNAMON-Y.

>> IT'S THE SMELL OF HOPE, MY
FRIEND.

>> [ CHUCKLES ]

>> OKAY. READY.

>> OH, MISS -- MISS COOPER,
YOU LOOK NICE.

>> THANKS, CALVIN.

>> ARE YOU WEARING COMBAT BOOTS?

>> MM-HMM. YEAH.

OKAY, LET'S JUST GO.

>> ALL RIGHT, YOU GUYS.
HAVE FUN.

DON'T, UH, DON'T KEEP HER OUT
LATE.

>> THANK YOU.

>> ALL RIGHTY THEN.

>> SEE YOU SOON.

>> SEE YOU GUYS.

[ DOOR CLOSES ]

>> GEEZ, YOUR HUSBAND'S
SUCH A DOUCHE.

>> NO, HE ISN'T.

AND WHAT WAS THAT IN THERE?

THANKS FOR THE WARNING.

>> THE WHOLE THING'S
SUPPOSED TO
BE A SURPRISE.

COULD YOU PLEASE JUST --

>> OH. SORRY.
>> DON'T PUSH ME.

I HATE THAT SHIT.

>> I KNOW.

>> YOU LOOK RETRO-TASTIC,
BY THE WAY.

>> THANK YOU.

YOU LOOK VERY...SUAVE.

>> THANK YOU.

>> WHERE ARE WE GOING?

WHAT'S THAT?

>> MORE SURPRISES.

GET IN.

WATCH YOUR FEET.

[ ENGINE REVS ]

[ TIRES SCREECH ]

>> WHOO!

>> OH, SHIT.

GET BACK IN.

[ ROCK MUSIC PLAYING ]

>> ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

>> DOES IT LOOK LIKE I'M

KIDDING YOU?

>> OWW!

>> HERE, HERE, HERE, HERE.

>> SO BAD.

>> DO IT, DO IT!

>> [ LAUGHS ]

WHOO!

OWW!

>> HERE, HERE, HERE. TAKE IT.

WAIT, WAIT, RUN, RUN, RUN.

FUCKING SCHOOL.

HOP ON.

WHEE!

>> AAH! [ LAUGHS ]

>> [ LAUGHS ]

SORRY I DON'T HAVE ANY POT.

>> [ CHUCKLES ]

THAT'S OKAY.

I DON'T SMOKE THAT ANYMORE.

>> WHY?

BECAUSE YOUR AWESOME PROM DATE
GROOVY GORDY?

GROOVY GORDY.

>> OH, FUCK YOU.

I GOT THIS.

>> DO IT.

[ THUD ]

>> NAILED IT!

>> I HAD NO IDEA THAT YOU WERE A
JOCK.

>> [ CHUCKLES ]

CAN WE STILL BE FRIENDS?

>> OKAY.

I'LL THINK ABOUT IT.

>> I'LL JUST PUT YOU IN A
HEADLOCK AND, LIKE, NOT INVITE
YOU TO PARTIES AND STUFF.

>> [ LAUGHS ]

>> WHAT IS WITH THE CANDLES,

CAL?

PLEASE DON'T TELL ME YOU'RE
PLANNING AN ANIMAL SACRIFICE.

>> NO, NO, NO.

NO. THIS IS AN EXORCISM.

>> OF WHAT?

>> WE ARE EXORCISING YOUR SHITTY
PROM PAST AND MY SHITTY NO-PROM
PRESENT.

>> YES!

HOW WE GONNA DO IT?

>> WELL...

SINCE YOU ASKED...

>> WHAT?!

[ BUTTON CLICKS ]

[ BRYAN ADAMS' "EVERYTHING I DO

(I DO IT FOR YOU)" PLAYING ]

>> [ LAUGHS ]

OH, NO.

HOW DID YOU KNOW?

>> IT WAS AN EDUCATED GUESS,

AND, UH, OKAY, I USED THE
INTERNET.

WELL, MRS. COOPER?

>> DON'T CALL ME THAT.

>> MRS. COOPER?

>> I CAN'T -- I'M NOT DANCING.

>> YOU CAN'T -- BULLSHIT YOU
CAN'T DANCE.

ARE YOU IN A WHEELCHAIR?

>> OH, DON'T GIVE ME THAT CRAP.

>> I CAN DANCE.

CHECK OUT THESE MOVES.

>> * IT'S NOT WORTH TRYING FOR

>> [ LAUGHS ]

THAT'S PRETTY SLICK.

>> THEN YOU CAN DANCE, OKAY?

SO GET YOUR ASS OUT ON THE
FLOOR.

>> [ CHUCKLES ]

I CAN'T.

I'M TOO DRUNK.

>> THEN YOU'RE PERFECTLY
PRIMED UP. COME ON.

>> OKAY.

>> * DO IT FOR YOU

>> HERE SHE GOES.

>> * LOOK INTO YOUR HEART

* YOU WILL FIND

* THERE'S NOTHING THERE TO
HIDE *

>> DON'T! [ LAUGHS ]

>> * TAKE ME AS I AM

>> [ LAUGHS ]

>> HOLD ON, HOLD ON, HOLD ON.

WAIT.

>> STOP! I'M NOT -- I CAN'T!

REALLY, I'M NOT --

[ LAUGHS ]

>> [ Chuckling ] OH, NO!

MY GOD, I AM SO SORRY.

>> [ LAUGHS ]

>> OH, MY GOD.

>> LET'S DO IT AGAIN.

>> YOU WANT TO DO IT AGAIN?

>> YES.

>> ALL RIGHT. HOP ON.

>> [ GIGGLING ]

[ CYNDI LAUPER'S

"ALL THROUGH THE NIGHT" PLAYS ]

I LOVE THIS SONG.

>> I KNOW.

>> YOU PAY ATTENTION.

>> MM-HMM.

>> SO, ARE WE DANCING?

>> YEAH.

>> AM I DOING OKAY?

>> YEAH.

DOING GREAT.

JUST GOT TO HOLD ON.

>> * ALL THROUGH THE NIGHT
TODAY *

* KNOWING THAT WE FEEL THE SAME

WITHOUT SAYING *

>> AND WE'RE DANCING.

>> * WE WON'T REACH BACK

* KEEP WITH ME FORWARD ALL

THROUGH THE NIGHT *

* AND ONCE WE START, THE METER
CLICKS *

* AND IT GOES RUNNING ALL

THROUGH THE NIGHT *

* UNTIL IT ENDS, THERE IS NO
END *

>> CAL.

>> WHAT?

>> OH, MY GOD. CAL.

[ SIREN WAILS ]

IT'S THE COPS!

>> OH, SHIT.

>> ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

>> JUST GRAB YOUR BAG.

GRAB YOUR BAG.

WHAT DO YOU GOT?

WE GOT EVERYTHING?

>> THIS CAN'T BE HAPPENING.

>> WE GOT TO GO. WE GOT TO GO.

>> [ INDISTINCT SINGING ]

[ TIRES SCREECH ]

>> [ SIGHS ]

>> UM...

THANKS FOR PLANNING ALL THIS AND
SURPRISING ME.

>> NO PROBLEM.

I'M GLAD YOU CAME.

>> I HAD A REALLY NICE TIME.

WELL, GOOD NIGHT.

[ SEATBELT CLICKS ]

>> GOOD NIGHT.

[ CAR DOOR CLOSES ]

[ ENGINE TURNS OVER ]

[ DOOR CLOSES ]

>> HEY.

>> HI.

>> HOW WAS THE AWARDS THING?

>> IT WAS, UM, NICE.

>> HMM. DID YOU WIN?

>> UM, NO.

>> NO?

WELL, YOU ARE BEST NEW MENTOR
IN MY BOOK.

[ CLICKS TONGUE ]

[ ANNOUNCER SPEAKING

INDISTINCTLY ]

>> [ SIGHS ]

>> * A MONKEY KNOWS HOW YOU'LL

REACT *

* CREATING WANT BY HOLDING
BACK *

* SOME REVERSE PYROMANIAC

* LET ME TRY, BABY

* TRY

* I BROUGHT MY WINDOW UP AND
THEN *

* I TURNED MY BACK TO LURE YOU
IN *

* DO I FALL THROUGH WHAT I MIGHT
OF BEEN *

* LET ME TRY, BABY

* TRY

>> [ SIGHS ]

[ SNIFFLES ]

I HOPE YOU LIKE LEMON MERINGUE.

BEV'S BEEN BUSY.

>> OH!

[ CHUCKLES ] HELLO.

YOU -- YOU MUST BE KELLY.

>> OH, YES, I AM.

>> WELL, CAL HAS TOLD ME SO MUCH

ABOUT YOU.

>> HE HAS?

>> YOU'VE BEEN A REAL LIFELINE
FOR HIM.

THANK GOD FOR SPECIAL TEENS.

HE ABSOLUTELY REFUSED TO SEE A-A
TRADITIONAL THERAPIST.

>> YEAH, THAT SOUNDS LIKE CAL.

>> YES.

I WANT TO ASSURE YOU THAT I-I-I

UNDERSTAND THE -- THE PRIVACY OF
YOUR PROCESS, BUT HE HAS BEEN
OFF HIS ANTI-DEPRESSANTS FOR --

FOR TWO MONTHS NOW, AND HE SEEMS
FINE, BUT I-I CAN'T HELP BUT
WORRY.

SO, IF YOU EVER HEAR ANY
LANGUAGE OR SEE ANY BEHAVIOR

THAT COULD BE TROUBLING, YOU
WILL LET ME KNOW?

>> OF COURSE.

>> MOM.

>> HI, CAL.

>> WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN HERE?

>> I'M JUST DOING A LITTLE
CLEANING.

>> YOU MEAN SNOOPING?

>> I WAS NOT SNOOPING.

[ SIGHS ]

>> WELL, DO YOU MIND?

IT'S A PRIVATE SESSION.

>> CALVIN, CONSIDER ME GONE.

>> PBBBT.

>> [ SIGHS ]

>> HEY, I MISSED YOU YESTERDAY.

>> I WAS WITH MY IN-LAWS.

>> I THOUGHT MAYBE YOU WERE
AVOIDING ME.

>> NO.

I BROUGHT PIE.

>> I LOVE PIE.

>> YEAH, I THOUGHT SO.

LET'S GO TO THE PARK.

IT'S SO STUFFY IN HERE.

>> WHAT ABOUT THE PIE?

>> WE'LL BRING IT, HAVE A
PICNIC.

>> I GOT TO HAND IT TO BEV.

THAT IS THE BEST PIE I'VE EVER
HAD.

GOT A LITTLE BIT OF MERINGUE
OVER HERE.

>> THANK YOU.

>> SMOKE?

>> I HAVE TO QUIT.

JOSH CAN SMELL IT IN MY HAIR.

>> WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME JOSH
SMELLED YOUR HAIR?

[ LIGHTER FLICKS ]

>> AND YOU SHOULDN'T BE SMOKING,
EITHER.

>> WHY?
I'M NOT FUCKING PREGNANT.

>> WELL, I'M NOT GONNA LECTURE
YOU.

>> GOOD, 'CAUSE LIFE'S TOO
FUCKING SHORT.

>> IT IS SHORT.

IT'S SHORT AND PRECIOUS.

DON'T SQUANDER IT.

>> WOW. THAT'S, LIKE,
BEAUTIFUL, MAN.

>> YOU'RE STILL YOUNG, CAL.

>> YES.

I GOT SO MANY YEARS AHEAD OF ME

TO OBSESS ABOUT WHAT MY LIFE

COULD HAVE BEEN.

>> YOU CAN'T JUST LET THAT CHAIR

BE THE ONLY THING
THAT DEFINES YOU.

>> YOU JUST REALLY DON'T KNOW

WHAT THE FUCK YOU'RE TALKING

ABOUT, SO YOU SHOULD PROBABLY

JUST SHUT UP RIGHT NOW, OKAY?

>> YOU CAN'T JUST DEFINE

YOURSELF BY THE THINGS YOU LOST.

>> GIVE ME SOMETHING ELSE.

[ FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING ]

>> HEY.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING DOWN HERE?

>> BELIEVE ME, I CAN HEAR HIM
DOWN HERE.

>> OKAY.

LOOK HOW YOUNG WE WERE.

[ CHUCKLES ]

>> I'M...TRYING TO FIGURE OUT

WHAT TO DO ABOUT CAL.

>> WHO?

OH, THE KID IN THE WHEELCHAIR?

>> YEAH.

HIM.

>> HAVEN'T YOU DONE ENOUGH
ALREADY?

WE WERE SO HOT.

THAT BASS SLUNG OVER YOUR
SHOULDER AND YOUR BRA STRAP ALL

HANGING OUT.

[ CHUCKLES ]

>> HE USED TO BE AN ARTIST LIKE
YOU.

>> YEAH.

USED TO BE.

>> AND HE USED TO DRAW...

LIKE YOU.

>> YEAH, WELL, GONNA BECOME A
CORPORATE SELLOUT LIKE ME, TOO?

[ SCOFFS ]

>> NO.

HE HAD A SPINAL INJURY AND LOST
ALL HIS FINE MOTOR FUNCTION.

>> HE CAN'T DRAW?

OKAY, THAT SUCKS.

>> YEAH.

YEAH, IT DOES.

>> SO, WHAT'D YOU THINK?

MAYBE SOME SHITTY POTTERY MIGHT

CHEER HIM UP?

[ CHUCKLES ]

>> FUCK YOU.

>> KELLY.

KELLY, I WAS JUST KIDDING.

JESUS CHRIST. COME ON!

[ DOOR OPENS ]

>> WHAT IS THAT?

A CADAVER?

>> IT'S YOUR SOMETHING ELSE.

>> IT STINKS.

>> I WANT YOU TO TAKE THIS CLAY
AND JUST PUT IT IN YOUR HANDS.

FIRST LESSON -- THE COIL POT.

YOU TAKE A PIECE OF CLAY LIKE
THIS.

YOU CAN SQUEEZE IT AND MAKE A
SNAKE-LIKE FORMATION.

AND THEN...

YOU JUST WRAP IT OR COIL IT
AROUND ITSELF.

IT'S REALLY SIMPLE.

NO FINE MOTOR SKILLS ARE
REQUIRED, AND YOU CAN MAKE
YOURSELF A GREAT ASHTRAY.

>> THOUGHT YOU WERE QUITTING.

>> YEAH, I AM, BUT YOU DON'T
HAVE TO.

>> DON'T WATCH.

>> OKAY.

>> WHERE'D YOU LEARN THIS
PROFOUNDLY USEFUL SKILL?

>> "EXPRESSIONS IN THREE
DIMENSIONS."

IT WAS MY ELECTIVE.

>> AWESOME. [ CHUCKLES ]

>> IT'S WHERE I MET JOSH.

>> YOU MET JOSH IN ART CLASS?

>> YEP.

HE WAS AN ART MAJOR.

>> [ CHUCKLES ]

HE WAS AN ART MAJOR?

>> WHY ARE YOU ACTING SO
SHOCKED?

>> HAVE YOU SEEN THE GUY?

HE'S LIKE A POSTER BOY FOR
FUCKING ABERCROMBIE & DOUCHE.

>> NO, HE ISN'T.

AND HE HAS TO DRESS LIKE THAT
FOR WORK.

HE'S IN ADVERTISING.

>> OH, THAT MAKES SENSE.

>> YOU KNOW, EVERYBODY MAKES
COMPROMISES, CAL.

WE ALL HAVE TO MAKE SACRIFICES

IN LIFE, AND SOMETIMES EVEN WHEN

YOU DO ALL THAT AND YOU PLAY BY

THE RULES, THINGS STILL DON'T

TURN OUT LIKE YOU
EXPECTED THEM TO.

>> I'M DONE.

>> CAN I LOOK?

>> MM-HMM.

[ SIGHS ]

IT'S NOT QUITE TO SCALE.

I'M A LITTLE BIT BIGGER.

>> ASSHOLE.

>> I'M AN ASSHOLE?

>> YEAH!

>> YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TURNED
INTO MOTHER FUCKING TERESA
OVERNIGHT.

>> I'M JUST DOING MY BEST.

I'M -- I'M JUST TRYING.

>> WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO DO?

HELP ME ADJUST TO MY NEW LIFE?

HELP ME CONTRIBUTE TO SOCIETY?

I THOUGHT YOU WERE MY FUCKING
FRIEND!

>> [ Voice breaking ] I AM.

>> THEN QUIT JERKING ME AROUND

WITH THIS ART-THERAPY SHIT.

I DON'T NEED YOUR FUCKING PITY,

OKAY?

AND A FUCKING ASHTRAY ISN'T
GONNA MAKE MY LIFE WORTH LIVING.

SO IF YOU NEED SOME SHORT,
LITTLE PROJECT TO MAKE
YOUR LIFE WORTH LIVING,

WHY DON'T YOU GO TO THE GYM
AND REHABILITATE YOUR DRAGGY,

FUCKING USED-UP,
OLD, NASTY ASS,

THEN MAYBE YOUR
HUSBAND WOULD FUCK YOU!

[ BREATHING HEAVILY ]

[ CLATTER ]

>> HELLO?

[ DOOR OPENS ]

[ DOOR CLOSES ]

>> HELLO?

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

>> HI.

I WAS JUST GONNA TAKE A BATH.

>> WAIT.

>> WHAT?

WHAT'S THIS?

>> IT'S AN APOLOGY FOR...

EVERYTHING.

I WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT I
HAVEN'T FORGOTTEN.

HAVEN'T FORGOTTEN WHO YOU ARE,

WHY I FELL IN LOVE WITH YOU.

>> [ SOBS ]

>> WHAT'S WRONG?

YOU DON'T LIKE IT?

>> NO. IT'S BEAUTIFUL.

>> KELLY.

[ DOOR CLOSES ]

KEL.

>> [ SOBS ]

>> ARE YOU OKAY?

LOOK, KELLY, I WANT TO MAKE YOU
HAPPY, BUT I...

I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO.

>> [ SOBBING ]

>> YOU KNOW, I'M NEW TO THIS,
TOO.

I'M TRYING.

WELL, I'M GOING TO BED.

>> [ SOBBING ]

[ CRICKETS CHIRPING ]

[ JACKSON CRYING ]

HEY.

HEY.

HEY.

[ JACKSON CRYING ]

YEAH. I KNOW.

SHHH.

SHHH.

SHHH.

[ JACKSON COOING ]

THANKS, BEV.

>> OH, YOU'RE WELCOME.

>> ANYTHING INTERESTING?

>> THIS.

FANCY.

MRS. KELLY COOPER.

>> LET ME SEE.

SPECIAL TEEN INITIATIVE.

>> IS THAT FROM THE YOUNG MAN
YOU WERE MENTORING?

>> I THINK SO.

>> WHAT'S IT SAY?

>> IT SAYS "YOU ARE INVITED
TO A SPECIAL EXHIBITION
THIS SATURDAY."

>> WELL, WELL, WELL.

LOOK WHO CAME BACK FOR ANOTHER
POTTERY LESSON.

>> I CAN'T SEE YOU ANYMORE.

>> WHAT?

>> UM, THIS THING...

THAT WE HAVE BETWEEN US,
IT WAS WRONG.

AND I KNOW IT'S MY FAULT, AND I

SHOULDN'T HAVE, UH, LET IT GO AS

FAR AS IT DID.

AND I...THOUGHT WE WERE BEING
FRIENDS.

THAT'S WHAT I TOLD MYSELF.

BUT I -- WE HAVE TO JUST --

>> YOU'RE SERIOUS.

>> I HAVE A HUSBAND,
AND I HAVE A BABY.

AND I'M LIKE TWICE YOUR AGE.

I'M SUPPOSED TO BE A GROWNUP.

I-I SHOULDN'T HAVE EVER LET IT

GET AS FAR AS IT DID.

[ DRUMS BANGING ]

>> WHAT'S THAT?

I CAN'T HEAR YOU.

SPEAK UP!

>> I'M SORRY!

I'M SORRY!

>> DON'T!

[ INHALES SHARPLY ]

>> HOW ARE YOU?

HOW'S EVERYBODY?

>> HOW ARE YOU?

[ BICYCLE SPOKES CLICKING ]

[ JACKSON YAWNS ]

>> SO, YOU GONNA GO TO THAT

ART-SHOW THING?

>> HMM?

>> THAT SPECIAL-TEEN THING?

>> I DON'T KNOW. MAYBE.

>> SO, HE'S STILL DOING ART,
HUH?

I MEAN, 'CAUSE OF YOU?

>> YEAH.

>> WELL, GUESS I WAS WRONG ABOUT

THAT SHITTY POTTERY.

KIDDING.

NOW, UM...

ACTUALLY, I THINK IT'S PRETTY

COOL.

YOU, UH, REALLY MADE A
DIFFERENCE IN HIS LIFE.

>> THANKS.

[ CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING ]

>> DO YOU LIKE IT?

>> WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?

>> HERE AND THERE.

I HAD TO GET READY FOR THE SHOW,

FIND A KILN,
GET IT ALL FIRED UP.

>> WHAT IS THAT DOING HERE WITH
MY NAME ON IT?

>> HOPEFULLY WINNING THE GRAND

JURY PRIZE IN THE ART SHOW FOR
RETARDS.

MIGHT WANT TO UNHAND ME,
BY THE WAY.

YOU'RE BASICALLY ASSAULTING A

HANDICAPPED TEENAGER IN PUBLIC

RIGHT NOW.

>> THAT WAS A PRIVATE MOMENT.

>> THAT'S BETTER.

NOW IT JUST SEEMS LIKE WE'RE

HAVING A LOVER'S SPAT.

STOP PUSHING ME, ALL RIGHT?

>> THAT WAS BETWEEN US.

>> THERE IS NO "US."

I-I-I THINK YOU MADE THAT VERY
CLEAR.

>> THAT MOMENT, I DID IT BECAUSE

I WAS WORRIED ABOUT YOU, AND I

DIDN'T WANT YOU SLIPPING AWAY

AND OPTING OUT, AND I WANTED YOU

TO STOP FEELING SORRY FOR

YOURSELF AND START LIVING.

>> WRONG.

YOU FELT SORRY FOR YOURSELF AND
YOU WERE JERKING ME AROUND

SO YOU COULD GET
MORE FUCKING ATTENTION.

>> IT'S NOT TRUE.
>> COME ON.

JUST COME OUT AND SAY IT,
ALL RIGHT?

YOU'RE A BIG FUCKING COCK TEASE!

[ PEOPLE GASP ]

>> WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

>> CAL.

I'M SO SORRY.

I-I-I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT WOULD
MAKE HIM SAY SOMETHING LIKE
THAT.

>> WHERE DO YOU THINK I GOT THE
IDEA TO SCULPT A NAKED WOMAN,
MOTHER?

WASN'T FROM RODIN.

>> CALVIN, LET'S JUST CALM DOWN,

OKAY, AND THINK ABOUT WHAT IS
COMING OUT OF OUR MOUTHS
BEFORE WE TALK.

>> IT WAS HER PARADING AROUND

WITH HER TITS OUT, BEGGING ME TO

LOOK AND HER KISSING ME AND

GIVING ME A FUCKING LAP DANCE

AND THEN PRETENDING
LIKE IT MEANT NOTHING.

WHY DO YOU THINK
THAT I CALLED IT "KELLY"?

TELL HER.
>> THAT'S --

>> COME ON.
>> THAT'S ENOUGH.

>> TELL HER.

>> TELL ME WHAT?

>> IT WASN'T LIKE THAT.

[ Voice breaking ] IT WASN'T

LIKE THAT.

WASN'T LIKE THAT.

WASN'T LIKE THAT.

[ GASPS ]

>> YOU SHOULD GO.

>> JOSH, WAIT!

WAIT!

IT'S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE!

>> REALLY? REALLY?

THEN WHAT IS IT, KEL?

BECAUSE, YOU KNOW, THIS SHOULD
NOT BE CONFUSING.

>> IT'S STUPID.

IT'S A PUPPY-LOVE CRUSH.

>> HE MADE A LIFE-SIZE NUDE
SCULPTURE OF YOU -- A PRETTY

ACCURATE ONE, TOO -- AND
PUBLICLY DISPLAYED IT.

I MEAN, CHRIST.

>> IT'S NOTHING!

IT'S NOTHING, I SWEAR!

I JUST NEEDED SOMEONE
TO TALK TO.

>> RIGHT, RIGHT.

SO NATURALLY YOU THOUGHT A-A

TEENAGE BOY WOULD BE THE PERFECT

PERSON TO POUR YOUR HEART OUT

TO, RIGHT?

BECAUSE, WELL, I MEAN, HELL,

THEY'RE LEGENDARY FOR BEING

SENSITIVE AND INSIGHTFUL.

I MEAN, ARE YOU SERIOUS?

>> MAYBE IT DIDN'T OCCUR TO ME

THAT ANYBODY COULD EVER LOOK AT

ME LIKE THAT ANYMORE!

>> KELLY, HE'S A CHILD.

WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?

>> I DON'T KNOW, AND I WAS JUST

LONELY, AND YOU WERE --

>> OH, MY GOD.

>> AND YOU WERE GONE
ALL THE TIME!

>> YEAH, I WAS GONE!

I WAS AT WORK!

I WAS AT WORK!

>> PROBABLY WITH YOUR SECRETARY!

>> OH, MY GOD.

ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS?

ARE YOU REALLY GONNA TRY AND
TURN THIS AROUND ON ME?

REALLY?

I WAS WORKING MY ASS OFF, KELLY,

FOR YOU, FOR JACKSON.

FOR US.

>> WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

>> MY PARENTS.

>> WHAT ABOUT JACKSON?

>> NOW YOU ASK.

>> JOSH, WILL YOU JUST
TALK TO ME?

>> THE BABY'S WITH JOSH.

HE'S FINE.

I JUST, UH, STOPPED BY TO GATHER
A FEW THINGS.

[ SIGHS ]

JOSH WANTS TO CRASH ON OUR COUCH
FOR A WHILE.

IF WE'RE OKAY WITH IT.

AND WE ARE.

>> [ SOBS ]

>> A BABY CHANGES MARRIAGE IN
WAYS NO ONE CAN IMAGINE.

IF THERE'S A CRACK BEFORE, IT
TENDS TO WIDEN.

HE LOVES YOU.

BUT YOU CAN ONLY PUSH SOMEONE
AWAY SO OFTEN.

GIVE IT TIME.

OKAY?

>> [ SOBS QUIETLY ]

[ CELLPHONE RINGS ]

JOSH.

>> Kelly?

This is Cal's mother.

>> OH. HI.

HELLO.

>> Is Cal there?

>> NO, I HAVEN'T SEEN HIM SINCE
THE GALLERY.

IS EVERYTHING OKAY?

[ Phone hangs up ]

HELLO?

[ ALARM BLARING ]

CAL!

CAL!

YOU GOT EVERYBODY
WORRIED ABOUT YOU!

I'M WORRIED ABOUT YOU!

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

>> I'M NOT TALKING TO YOU.

>> YOU BROKE INTO A PUBLIC
BUILDING.

DON'T YOU THINK YOU'RE
GONNA GET CAUGHT?

>> I HAVE A MASK.

THEY CAN'T I.D. ME.

AND GLOVES.

NO FINGERPRINTS.

>> HOW MANY WHEELCHAIR BANDITS

DO YOU THINK ARE OUT THERE, HUH?

COME ON. WHAT'S YOUR PLAN?

CAL, WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO?

COME ON.

CAL!

CAL.

COME ON.

COME ON. TALK TO ME.

>> [ SNIFFS ]

HOW MANY TIMES DO YOU THINK THAT

ONE PERSON CAN HAVE THEIR HEART

BROKEN IN A YEAR AND SURVIVE?

EVERY TIME THAT YOU PUT SOMEONE

UP ON A PEDESTAL, THEY JUST SHOW

YOU HOW THEY DON'T DESERVE
TO BE THERE.

I MEAN, I TRIED TO
LIFT BAILEY UP.

I TRIED TO CLIMB TOO HIGH, AND

I...

FELL.

AND THEN I DID IT WITH YOU.

MY BLUE LADY.

>> CAL --

>> I REALIZE NOW THAT I SHOULD

HAVE -- I SHOULD HAVE NEVER

TALKED TO YOU.

I MEAN, I HAD UNREALISTIC
EXPECTATIONS.

I SHOULD HAVE NEVER BROKEN DOWN

MY WALL OF ILLUSION.

YOU PAINT A PICTURE OF SOMEONE

THAT YOU WANT TO SEE.

AND THE REALITY NEVER
MEASURES UP.

[ SIGHS ]

I TOOK MY BLUE LADY OFF HER
PEDESTAL.

>> OKAY, I HEAR WHAT YOU'RE

SAYING, ALL RIGHT, AND I

COMPLETELY UNDERSTAND YOU.

BUT, YOU KNOW, WHY DON'T WE GO

GET SOME COFFEE AND WE'LL

CONTINUE THIS CONVERSATION?

WE CAN GO TO THE DINER OR
SOMETHING.

>> [ GRUNTS ]

>> [ GASPS ]

[ CAR HORN HONKS ]

[ SIGHS ]

>> [ SIGHS ] SHIT.

SEE? NOW WE'RE BOTH BROKEN.

>> COME ON.

>> GRADUATION'S NEXT WEEK.

>> YEAH?

YOU GONNA GO?

>> I DON'T KNOW.

APPARENTLY THEY'RE TRYING TO

GIVE ME SOME KIND OF, LIKE, A
SCHOLARSHIP FOR WINNING THE ART
SHOW.

>> WHO? SPECIAL TEENS?

>> SPECIAL TEENS, YEAH.

>> NO SHIT.

DOES IT STILL COUNT IF YOU

OBLITERATED THE WINNING ENTRY?

>> MM-HMM. I TOOK PICTURES.

>> WHY DO YOU DO THAT, CAL?

DESTROY EVERYTHING THAT YOU
MAKE?

>> I DON'T KNOW.

I WAS THINKING THAT MAYBE I'M A
BUDDHIST AND I'M HIGHLIGHTING

THE IMPERMANENCE OF THINGS, YOU
KNOW.

>> YEAH, I'M SURE THAT'S IT.

>> COULD BE LIKE -- LIKE A
HINDU, YOU KNOW.

REMINDING EVERYONE THE OTHER

HALF OF CREATION IS DESTRUCTION.
BRAHMA AND SHIVA.

>> YEP.

THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT I THOUGHT.

>> OR MAYBE I NEED TO CHILL THE
FUCK OUT.

[ CHUCKLES ] I DON'T KNOW.

MAYBE THEY CAN TEACH ME THAT AT
ART SCHOOL, LIKE, PREFERABLY

WITH THE USE OF RECREATIONAL
DRUGGAGE.

>> HUGS, NOT DRUGS.

>> RIGHT.

'CAUSE LIFE IS PRECIOUS, SHORT
AND PRECIOUS.

>> YEAH.

>> WHAT'S GONNA HAPPEN WITH, UH,

WITH JOSH?

>> I DON'T KNOW.

>> AM I EVER GONNA SEE YOU

AGAIN?

>> I-I DON'T KNOW.

>> I LOVE YOU.

YOU KNOW THAT, RIGHT?

>> I KNOW.

YOU'LL GET OVER IT.

I PROMISE.

[ DOORBELL RINGS ]

>> HELLO, KELLY.

>> HI, BEV.

IS JOSH HERE?

>> COME ON IN.

>> THANK YOU.

>> WAKE UP, JOSH.

>> WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

>> I CAME TO APOLOGIZE.

>> OUTSIDE.

>> [ SIGHS ]

>> [ SIGHS ]

>> IS HE SLEEPING?

>> YEAH.

>> GOOD.

>> [ SIGHS ]

SO...

>> UM...

I'VE BEEN THINKING

[CLEARS THROAT] A LOT ABOUT YOU
AND ME.

[ Voice breaking ] I'M REALLY
SORRY FOR THE WAY I TREATED YOU.

[ SOBS ]

AND I'M SORRY FOR THE WAY
I'VE BEEN ACTING.

[ SNIFFLES ]

I UNDERSTAND IF YOU DON'T
WANT TO TALK.

IT'S JUST LATELY I FELT LIKE I
TOTALLY LOST WHO I WAS BEFORE
JACKSON.

AND THEN I'D LOST YOU, AND...

AND I REALLY NEEDED YOU.

I CAN'T DO IT BY MYSELF.

AND I DON'T WANT TO.

>> ME NEITHER.

>> [ SNIFFLES ]

I SCREWED UP SO BAD.

>> STOP. STOP.

LET ME JUST SAY SOMETHING.

I LOVE YOU.

I'VE ALWAYS LOVED YOU.

I KNEW YOU NEEDED ME.

BUT I JUST -- I DIDN'T KNOW HOW.

[ SIGHS ]

I GUESS WE NEED TO TRY HARDER.

BOTH OF US.

>> I'D LIKE THAT.

>> * I LOOK BACK

* THROUGH THE STORM

* I LOOK BACK

* 'CAUSE IT KEEPS ME WARM

* AND ALL YOU LEARN IS YOU

REGRET *

* OH, YOU'RE WALKING DOWN

AGAIN *

* AND YOU CHANGE

* I WANT TO TELL YOU HOW I

FEEL *

* WHEN I'M NOT THERE

* I NEEDED SOMETHING TO
BELIEVE *

* SOMETHING WE BOTH SHARE

* IN A SECRET HIDING PLACE

* YOU'LL ALWAYS FIND ME THERE

* AND YOU CHANGE

* SLOWLY CHANGE

* CHA-A-A-A-A-A-NGE

* AND YOU CHANGE

* OH, YOU CHANGE

* AND YOU CHANGE

[ NEW SONG PLAYING ]