Kaamelott - Premier volet (2021) - full transcript

The sequel on the big screen to the cult series of Alexandre Astier, an offbeat version of the legend of the Knights of the Round Table. Hidden in Rome, King Arthur plans his comeback to oppose the army of his former friend Lancelot.

The kingdom of Logres,
stretching from Caledonia to Aquitaine,

is ruled by the tyrannical
Lancelot of the Lake.

For years, Lancelot has used
Saxon mercenaries

to hunt his sworn enemy,

Arthur Pendragon.

They're surrendering!

Get up! Prepare to board!

The Red Sea, 484

Thank you.

Are you the captain?


I know.

It's harsh.

Yes, it's really harsh.

It's a pretty strong message,
no denying it,

but it reveals fierce determination,
on the one hand,

and, on the other, utter inflexibility.

What's in the hold?


I'll be honest with you.

I'm not at all keen
on maritime journeys.

The mere idea that I've wasted
eleven days at sea pursuing you

for dates...

Reload, please.

Sad to say,
I fear we must use it again.

Go and see. Only dates.

Dates, no doubt about it.

I was told, "The plonkers..."

That's what they called you.

"The plonkers have put all their money
in a magnificent necklace

made by one of the finest jewellers
in Tapharon."

Any bells ringing?

A magnificent necklace? Tapharon?

Mind you,
I'd never hide a magnificent necklace

in a barrel of dates.


We're leaving.

Kaamelott, Isle of Britain


That's all damn Greek to us!

We've been telling you
for ten years now,

we don't speak Saxon.

If we for Kaamelott fight,

we need money!

No fighting, ninny!

We're stony broke!

Can't we pay an interpreter?

Don't you start!

Do I have to spell it out?
We can't pay for anything at all!



Why serve Kaamelott
if we get nothing out of it?

You serve the quest for the Grail,
my hearties.

You'll gain prestige.


And they laugh!

Prestige puts them in stitches.

We don't seek the Grail.

We do dirty work. Taxes. Raids.


And this endless hunt

for the Knights of the Round Table.

The hunt goes on
until you find them all.

So pay dough!

You know, we Saxons
can be very accommodating.

If there is no dough left,

we'll gladly settle for...


- What is it?
- The Isle of Thanet?

Thanet is yours.

- Really?
- What?

I have to check.

Check what? It's yours.

You don't know you own it?

Never heard of it.

You can cede it then.
You won't miss it.


Cede it? Madness!

Cede Logres land to Saxons?

Your previous ruler

would never have agreed.


it would be simpler
if we had the right to say

King Arthur.

My Lord Lancelot!
You were there?

Don't rise to the bait.
He's just provoking you.

What are you doing?

Don't carve up Logres.

It'll insult the gods.

Sire, you can't do it.

I can.

Hey, Alzagar.

How's tricks?


Venec the Fennec!

Working in merchant shipping now?

I simply paid these dicks
for my crossing.

Barrel class must come cheap.

He hid when he saw you!

Thought I'd fight?

Screw you!

He hid

as he has a price on his head.

How much? 110? 120?

Alive, 140.

140 solidi!

You buffoons!

You look smart now
with this junk worth 30!

140 solidi

for a schemer who runs dog fights
at three coins a round?

Because up north, in Kaamelott,

they have questions for him.

Well, one question.

Where is...

Arthur Pendragon?

Leuke Kome, smugglers' port

Isn't he wanted?

Not now I've found him.

Well what?

Do you remember or not?

I sell 30 slaves a week.

You expect me to remember one

from how long ago?

Eight or nine years now.

I sold him to you and that's rare.

He'd fled Rome.
You said you'd sell him here.

Short, pale as a buttock,

with scarred wrists

and a beard to his arse.

- No?
- I don't recall him.

Who is he?

- Nobody. A tramp.
- Sure.

You sail 17 days
without rest for a tramp? You?


Impetuous chequering...

Where dost thou live

daring architect?

Where is he
or do I slit your throat?

If I don't recall, I don't recall.

If I did recall,
I'd tell you to piss off anyway.

So now,
take your clowns and set sail.

Need a beating to get you started?

Ok, bambinos!

If I understood right,
we can hit the jackpot.

Pray to Mercury
and bring clean briefs!

We're moving out!

- Moving out?
- Where to?

A seven-day walk.

- How long?
- A seven-day walk.


What are we looking for seven days away?

Not what, but who.

Reeking curs, my feet are dead.

I'm glad, my sandals held up well.

Are they new sandals?

No, my old ones, but I added...

Sorry, lads, can we dial down
the bullshit here?

We talk cos you don't.

Or only in riddles.

Such as this, say.

Isn't it a coin from Logres?

It is.

So that is King Lancelot.


That's the old king on the coin.

The old one?

A great king. A truly great king.

As great as Atawulf?

What's that to do with us
slogging along like donkeys?

You want to know?

Screw you.




Hi, guys.

Ave, Damian.

Still into nanny goats?

I hear business is booming.

If you're dealing,

my crews are full.

I don't need slaves.

No, today is different.

I'm not selling, I'm buying.


Nine years ago,
I sold you a scabby wretch.

Scarred wrists,
beard down to his bollocks.

- A sort of tramp.
- What?

He was worth a bomb!

Shut up, you.

Why did we bother?

Shut the hell up too!

Dumb Visigoths.

No wonder we joke about you.

I don't know who you mean.

Take a minute to think.

If you still have him,
I'll take him.

Amicably, for cash.

Or less amicably,
with your shit on fire.

Get it off!

Stop him!

- Catch him!
- Wait.

Get it off me!

I'll free him if I want.

You don't know who he is!

Dive in after him, idiot!

- Can't he swim?
- He's swimming.

Follow the bank. Move yourself!

Catch him on the...

Got him?

I cut my foot on the rocks.

Look at this!
It pierced my sandal!

Good evening, Sire.

Fortress of Cameliard, Isle of Britain

Talk about a surprise!

It's been donkey's ages.

Since last time,

the place has changed.

Not really. What's different?

There wasn't a castle before.

Yes, maybe.

I'm just saying

your visits are rare.

But we're not complaining.

Visits here must be spaced out
like strawberry plants.

Enough chit-chat.

Let's not get maudlin.

What brings you here?

Please fetch me water
and summon everyone.

I have something to show you.

- Got a minute?
- No way.

Slugs to squash

and bindweed to hoe!

You hoe bindweed now?

- I usually do it alone.
- So I'm not the only hoer.

The only hoer?

You hoe at night? Unseen?

Forget the bloody greens

and come in!

- Your sister's here!
- My sister?

You have a sister?

I told you.

You bore people.
So they keep quiet.

I have a sister.

Like other stuff
I see no need to tell you.

Stop being surprised.

Get in here!

Your hubby...

Does he miss war?

No chance.

He's no Hannibal.

He's what they call
a "moderate".


was almost what he needed
to realize himself.

What he needs to realize himself
are tits.

He hates war.

That's what I said.

Do you goons like war?

Are you rabid killers
with your celery bed

and peasant garb?

What peasant garb?

Heard of resistance?

Before weeding,

you considered it.

Resist that maniac Lancelot...

Even without a coup,

we could do less weeding
and more scheming.

What's that?

A basin my father-in-law uses
for foot baths.

Nothing else works.

Nothing else works for what?


Hydro what?

Mancy. Divination by water.


What is it?

- Something's there.
- Shit?

- Marks.
- Marks of shit.

Tell us what you see.

Pendragon's son
on his way to Britain.

That's what.

Coming from the south.

seeing Pendragon's son coming

from the south

needs sharp eyes!

Believe what you will.

You bet.

His return is announced
three times a year.

Like hail.

Ten years since he left.
The guy's snuffed it.

Even if he came back, what then?

He'd organize the resistance.

So logistics is our problem?

We've no weapons!

Not even a spud-peeler!

Mangonels, trebuchets,
scorpions, onagers...

Tuned by Byzantine engineers

from Thessaloniki.

My arsenal whisked off

to Kaamelott!

Not one slingshot left.

Pendragon's son is back?

Let him come.

He can hoe
to make the trip worth it.

You can clear off

if dad-in-law wants a foot bath

and needs his basin.

Hispano-Aquitaine border

You really won't utter a word?

I've pushed you for weeks.

No reaction.

No interaction.

Except at the pass.

I said it was cold,
you threw your soup at me.

Venec, shut up.

I'm not being loud.

Just be quiet.

- Halt.
- Hola, guard!

- What's in there?
- Prisoners I'm taking to Vannes.

- We're in order.
- No!

Not at all.

He's taking slaves to Logres.

We're stolen goods.

Ignore him.

Noisy, but not mean.

Who said that?

I belong to Master Damian Sasnian.

I was kidnapped!

Don't let smuggled goods in.

Aquitaine breaking laws?

That's new!

Arrest us, guard!

Arrest us!

Arrest us!

Sorry for all this racket.

Trust me and let us through.

I'll take my prisoners

to the fortress in Vannes

and you'll never hear
another peep from us!

The Duchess of Aquitaine is a whore!

That'll get us arrested.


in the nicest way.

Arrest these morons.

They just want to provoke you.

Ok, but I'm a sucker for provocation.

Uncage the slave

and line up.

Take them to the Duke of Aquitaine.

Not bad.

After insulting the Duchess,

they'll get a fine welcome.

Hi, guys!

Hi, guys?

I was insulted.

It's ok.

What did you call her?
A minx?

A whore.

Yes, well...

I know you!


- I sold you Indians for a party.
- Kashmir Dream.

A big hit.

And you...

Duke, I know that this person
is your former sovereign

but, if I may,

he's my prisoner now.

Yes, so I heard.

Your price?


As a bounty hunter,

you expect money.

Well, if this wastrel

is worth 140 solidi,

for this one, quite frankly,

Kaamelott won't pay less than...

a thousand.

In that case...

I'll pay...

twice that.

Twice that?

You're mad.

Don't worry.

Half our fortune, moron!

Pay this clown 2,000?

In memory of the old days.

At that price...

There, it's a deal!


He'll pay 2,000
for the most wanted guy

in the realm?

Most wanted guys aren't cheap!


How will Lancelot react to you
nabbing Arthur?

He's far away.

He's the king.

He isn't.

Not until he pulls the sword
from the stone.

And that...

That's not likely to happen.

It'll take a while.

Sorry, it's our beauty
and well-being day,

with a fruit detox.

We weren't expecting you.

We thought you were dead.

Yes, well...

That really upset me.

The missus is less...

Watch it.


Watch what you say.

You're back

and that's good news,

especially for the Britons

who are gasping.


It's an image.

They aren't

literally gasping.

They're drained.

Same thing...

A vampire

didn't drain them

of their blood...

What do you mean exactly
by "you're back"?

You could be king again.


Sorry, it crossed all our minds.

No kidding.

You suddenly pop up again

with Logres oppressed
by a tyrannical maniac.

So, yes, it's a good idea.

It's up to you.

No one will force you.

A good job too.

I'd go to Egypt in that jerk's cage
rather than return to Britain.

I'm the jerk?

I have to push the jerk's cage.

You can rest in it now.

So I have to push it?

If you're not back, then what?

You'll stay here?

Please find me clean gear.

Then again,

if I get my 2,000...

I can offer these as clean clothes.

Elegant, sophisticated, comfy.

I have this one in doe-belly beige
and wear it all the time.

Duke, every bounty hunter around
is on my back.

That's a bit showy.

Everything I have

is a bit like this.

- And that?
- That? Go.

No, that's decoration.

They say it was your father's.

So I added a bear.

An installation.

- Artistic.
- My father's?

I contact the resistance fighters?

What fighters?

For his tea party.

I thought it might be interesting

to meet fellows with the resistance.

Something informal.


I don't give a damn. Got that?

Screw the resistance.

Screw the resistance,

Logres and Lancelot.

Screw the lot.

I'm splitting.

I spent 2,000 solidi
to save you from execution in Kaamelott.

Be more gracious when I suggest tea.

I'll pay you back.

But tea is out.

my wife was called a minx.

A whore.

I leave at dawn for the east.

Find me a guide.

So I cancel?

The cooks ask
if they should buy raisins.

Where are you going?

Wherever I like.

On waking, Sir Lancelot,
the bed was empty.

Every minute I spend in that stupid bed
is wasted.

You can say that again.

Your scorn of ridicule is reckless.

I'm not pregnant,
the people talk, you pay no heed.

Remember when your predecessor
couldn't give an heir to...

Don't say that name!


That's why you won't touch me.

Her memory haunts you.

No memory haunts me,
you ludicrous curly-haired schemer.

The one you mention has vanished.

No one knows where she is.

And no one will ever know.

Ruined inn, Isle of Britain


No, no, no.

No, enough!

Calm down. It happens.

No, it doesn't happen!

We took a wrong turn.

That's all we do!

Two weeks digging like dicks!


To return to the main tunnel!

I'm sick of it.

We're totally lost.

I'm tired.


- Smell that?
- Yeah.

I'm not mad?

I smell pillocks!

I agree.

Let's stay calm.

Patience takes time.

Some have questions.

Not you!

If your brother's dumb,
why name him colonel?

Colonel by aroma only, I told you.

To encourage him.

For being dumb?

I can hold
37 plums in my bum!


A question.

Don't be shy.

- All questions count.
- We'll answer calmly.

Patience requires no sauce.


Why do we do



I don't believe it!

Who are these pillocks?


Be quiet!
There's a curfew up above.

The pillocks!

The pillocks!



If the Kaamelott patrol passes,

we've had it.

Kaamelott patrols

are all pillocks!

You'll get us butchered!


Know what's going on up there?

Do you want to resist above ground?

Very funny!

- I'm splitting my sides.
- Sidestep.

Go on, let's bust a gut.

Gut rot!

Restrictions on light, on travel,

on weapons,
on the number of people in a room.

On string!

- No.
- On food.

No, let's avoid that.
I can't...

I don't have the right figures.

I understand.

After all the tunnel collapses
we've had,

the lack of air

and nearly suffocating...

After all the soil,

you ask why we're underground?

We're underground...

because it's classy.

Where are the Crunchies?
On the Isle of Britain?

No, my ducklings.


under Britain!

Take your picks

and dig like real heroes!

Show us your balls, you old women!


Excuse me, rather than encourage morons

and dig willy-nilly,
you could perhaps map the tunnels.

When we said,
"Let's have Merlin as our magician,"

wasn't he supposed to do magic?

But he never does.
He just nags about maps.

Calm down or we'll have you executed.

Hello, my friend.

Don't "hello"' me!

You got a letter, Guinevere.

My spies are categorical.

A real letter,

with words and all?

By what miracle?

Madam cannot receive mail.

I know, nincompoop,
on my order.

And so, no mail.

Hidden in a cake.

Slyly brought here as a treat.

I'll have the baker's boys hung.

And the fool

courting you so perfidiously

will be punished accordingly.

But I got no letter.

In a cake?

A cake, yes.

Will you both dare to contradict me?

Was it an oblong cake?

- Oblong?
- It wasn't unusual?

A letter in it.

If it was oblong...

I'm not here about the cake's shape!

- I want that letter!
- There isn't one!

Search if you want.

It won't take you long, given the size

of the splendid closet you keep me in.

My dear...

I know.

It lacks appeal,

but it has a number of virtues.


It's discreet,

almost impossible to find

and isolated to discourage flight.

Oh, those virtues.

Shall I summon the decorators again?

No, thank you. We've already tried
red, green, orange...

It stays ugly.

It's a ruined castle.

The old fortress of King Ban.

- My father...
- Yes, ruined.

Ruined and haunted!

Come on...

We're both scared to death!

Yes, we see hazy forms at night.

I'm very sorry indeed.

Ask anything of me.

Let me leave.

All right, summon the decorators.
It'll be someone to talk to.

They're not allowed...

Drat, drat, drat...


I wanted to pass farms,
but many of them have gone.

Pass farms?

Yes, I'd have loved
to see the peasants' faces

full of hope
you're back to save them.

Get off my back about that.

The farms have all gone anyway.

Taxes and the Saxons
wiped them out one by one.

Duke, I don't give a fig!

Yes, I understand perfectly.

I'm such a dummy.

I nag you about saving Logres
when there's nothing left to save.

Did you know Lancelot
sentenced children to death?

You didn't know that?

Here in Aquitaine,

things are peaceful.

Kaamelott is far away.

Except for taxes.

Not my concern.

They've increased tenfold.

To pay Saxon mercenaries.

Not my concern.

It's partly your concern

as the Saxons are looking for you.

Even so, it's not my concern.

Know what the legend says?

I sense it's not my concern.

That Lancelot didn't seize power
by force,

but that you gave it to him.

A good fire's comforting.

Could you have got
the direction wrong?

You wanted to go east?

Yes, but that's the Pole Star.
And we came that way.

No, that way, heading east.

No, we're heading north.

Where did you learn

about navigation and the stars?

- Rome.
- Right.

Was the legion awesome?

No, not really.

Are you taking me north?

We're near Gaunes.

No, east. Sleep now.

First position!




In rhythm!
No two are in harmony.


Come on, you cuties!

War is music!

Hear that? War is music!



No food or sleep
until you're synchronized!


Papinius, move it!


Spin those spears!

And end!

Stop! Dump the training spears!

Head over to the gates.

There's luggage to carry!

Caesarean Mauritania

30 years earlier

- Come on, Papinius.
- I can't go on.

I can't keep watching your arse.


Arturus can't keep watching your arse!

I think she wants to throw
a tea party for the lads.

That's kind, Furadja, but no need.

They're starving.

That's kind of you, Furadja.

Come on, you clowns! Get over here.

See what I see?

Dates, cakes...

Don't pig out!

No crumbs, ok!

Thank Furadja!

Thank you, Furadja.

Thanks, bitch.

She's fishy.


Wake up.

Did lightning strike you?

Arturus, your cock's showing.


Is this all you bring in tax?

Can we fill the coffers with two beets

and a clay jug?

I fear we'll have to triple taxes
next time.

Multiply by three?

I'll need refreshments.

Write. Don't do it mentally.

Writing is fast, but I trip up.

Refusal to pay.



You can't deal with unarmed hicks?

A new tax?

Half-dead, we keep paying?

And Kaamelott

pays you to beat us up!

I saved months for this beet!

It's mine!


- Are you ok?
- No.

Here's my tax.

What this is?

His wife's ashes!

The ashes of his wife

who didn't deserve to die
in chicken shit!

Or to die

murdered by Lancelot of the Lake!

Who deserved to die in peace,

lying on her fertile land

with a June breeze

bringing her the comforting caress

of sweet summer pollen.

You can steal our money,

but our feelings

you can never take.

That's fine.

We don't give a damn about feelings.

Absque argento...

I forget.

That's a pity.

Latin impresses folk.

They think you know your stuff.


and Saxon people

send their condolences to you

and your daughter.

Not my daughter, my wife.

She's new.
My new wife, like.

- You see.
- What?

You married too soon.

Who says he married too soon?

We look like clowns.

Farming's too tough alone.

When you want to do a good job.

If you scratch your nuts all day,

single life is easier.

However much we scratch,
we sleep honestly!

We pay you well enough

to handle cranky yokels.

We sounded the horn right away.

30 war machines at 200 poles!

And now you play the tune?

No one's left to alert us.

Lancelot emptied the lookouts.

What? Emptied the lookouts?

Why on earth would I?

Five weeks ago, you took

fifty more men
to hunt Arthur and his knights.

Did I say they had to be taken
from the lookout posts?

Fifty Saxons
have to come from somewhere.

And not the hen run!



Artour! What's the meaning of this?

It's the Burgundians.

Sorry, it's the Burgundians!

The Burgundians!
No need to worry.

Did I hear wrong

or did that idiot call me Arthur?

He doesn't know our tongue.

Maybe Arthur is this castle.

Or simply means "chief".


I'll crush that joker!

Calm down.
You know by now the fellow's a maniac!



you degenerate bugger?



is an illusion!

He speaks our tongue!

That's odd.

He learnt since last time?


is a salsify!

There, you see?

I think we must

discipline ourselves and ignore...

I'm off.

See to this clown.

Go and rest.

Do we send a couple of lancers?

Lancers? For Burgundians?

For piece of mine.

Don't bother.

Are you sure?

Don't move, we said!
Follow orders!

"Ignore Burgundians."

An order from King Arthur's day.

Just a little anecdote
from the archivist.

My God...

By all the saints.

Stand, you wretches, for King Arthur!

Don't start.

I'm not a king. No need to stand.


What exactly are you up to?

Here we are, my hearties.

A little snack to start the day nicely.

Forest of Gaunes, Continental Logres

War! War!



Getting that tangled up

shows talent.

Like in Arthur's day.

No machine is in place.

The confusion with the machines
is a mere detail

as they are too close to the fortress.

Even facing the right way,

their shots would pass over our heads

and land in the field
of the old bugger out back.

You know right away how it'll end.

Why even watch?

Libido Sciendi.

The desire to know.


a tad unlikely in this context...

Does the desire to know need context?

You see.

Sire, please...

Don't call me that.


Read my lips. I'm splitting.

Right now.

You insisted

I met your boys
with their eyes full of courage...

When I say boys...

How old is he?

Sire, we couldn't be choosy.

We had places to fill.

He's my kid brother.

I keep asking for a cushion

to be higher.

I'm sick of it!

Sire, say something.

What can I say?

What are you playing at here?

Are you safe on the continent?

You realize this is resistance?

We're a joke.

We thought we did right

to intervene at our level.

It's too low.

We come here, sit, have our snack...

Look at our Round Table.

It's pathetic.


Not at all.

Everything's pretty pathetic here,
but not that.

Sire, you don't have to mock.

Modest, humble...

made without showy skill,

with salvaged material...

Just round enough

for no one to be at a corner

or far from another.


Go on.

Who are you?

- I introduce myself?
- Yes!


Sir Girflet.


At Pendragon's table
everyone's a lord,

whatever his origin.

Even without land?

Even without land.

Sir Girflet,

my neighbour's cousin.

I mean my neighbour here.

This neighbour and his brother.

I say "sir" too?

Like the others.

Sir Lucan, Knight of the Squid.

I'm brother to Bedever...


Sir Bedever.

- And cousin to Girflet.
- Sir.

Sir Girflet.


Not really.

A knight...

He's not a knight yet.

All right, but knight of what?

The Squid.

Not great, huh?


Not as in squidgy.

No, squid the animal.



Not the finest totem.

I do as I want.

Carry on.

Sir Bedever,
brother to Sir Lucan,

Knight of the Squid,

and cousin to Sir Girflet.

Bam! Not one mistake.

You can tell

where the brains are.

Sir Rostan.

I'd have liked Knight of Provence

but it was taken on the old table.

- Knight of Provence?
- Wasn't there a Provençal?

Damn it, we already explained!

That was a mistake.

Sir Percival, who comes from Wales.

Knight of Provence.

Or Sir Provençal.

Sounds like a recipe.

Or Rostan of Provence,

more like a village.

Knight Gawain.

I'm already a knight,
but I'm not proud of it.

Nephew to Arthur Pendragon,

do I need to say?

Son of King Loth of Orkney,

a foul traitor. Thank you.


What time is this?

Baddies were chasing me.

Baddies were chasing you?



Young adventurers above.
Come quick!

- Adventurers?
- Above?

How'd they find us?

- Who cares?
- Are they spies?

They saw the tunnel?


Say we're fully staffed.

They don't want work.

They walked days to get here!

They can walk days to leave.

Screw it!


Father, Uncle Percival...

You're heroes for them.

Sir Percival.

Sir Caradoc.
I'm honoured...

Move, pillocks!

Keep it short.

What d'you want?
Fighting techniques?

I'm Petrok, son of Roparzh,
breeder and landowner.

With my squires,
Gareth and Iagu...

We're your squires now?

Squires, you yokel?

- Where's your horse?
- At home.

I request your daughter's hand.


Father, calm down.


- Where did you meet?
- At market.

- At market?
- Let's discuss

land and movable property.

Try to show style for once.

- I'll move fast.
- And clear off!

I can express noble feelings.

I planned to.

Enough bullshit.

Can we take two minutes...

Father, they're active
in the resistance.

Above ground, like real lemons!

Ok, pin-dicks,
run to granny before it rains.

Lemons and pin-dicks
who live with granny...

Fight back!

Relate your deeds.

Yes. Whenever we meet Saxons,

we insult them!

- Under your breath.
- Of course.

What if they heard?

I threw blueberries at them once!

All I found.

They soon scrammed.

They're a bit useless, but brave.

They need training by real knights.

We hate Lancelot!

We want the Round Table back!

We fight for Arthur Pendragon.

Coming here,

we weren't afraid to say

that we were off to meet
Caradoc and Percival.

Even if you're wanted

and meeting you is a crime,
we proudly stated

our goal all along the way!

Is that the alarm?

No idea anymore.

We're besieged!


Besieged without an army?

It's bad news!


It's the Burgundians.

What a panic!

They hadn't harried us for a while.

Don't panic!

You could've checked
before alarming us!

I feared

they'd hurl boulders.

They came to attack us last year.

During the fig season.

It kept us amused.

Is that Léodagan?

- Where?
- There on the right.

Is he attacking them?

Unarmed, alone against 150 men?

Attention, it'll soon be over.

Where are you going?

Don't provoke them!

You'll get bolts in the bum!

What's wrong?

Gardening has ended up
addling his brain.

That's what.

- Do we step in?
- With what?

Haven't you got a spare spell?

A spell to calm your husband, no!

What means all this?


Look out, here they come.


The fat slag...

No, the one in blue.

If they see we're missing...

We brought Arturus.

They'll waste us.

Has he seen her? Can we go?

Let's go back.

Did you come to piss me off?

No, to be nice.

So be nice and belt up!


He's Arturus.


I can say my name!

- You can't.
- You're a jerk.


And you?



Shit, that's beautiful.


"I walk through the valley of death,

yet I fear no evil,

for He is with me."

Starvation gives me visions.

- Who is it?
- King Arthur, lads.

Alive, apparently.

I've said that for ten years,
you salsify!

He rings no bells.

Come on...

Like Kaamelott, where we lived...

We weren't on his floor.

Look at this,
King Arthur locked in the jails

of his own fortress.


Sad irony...

Why's he here?

You're on the isle?

They said you'd managed

to hide on the continent.
- Not hide.

Braving danger,

I honoured the memory of our dear Arthur

by uniting the best resistance fighters
in Gaunes!

Hand in hand...



So, what do you say?

You have Arthur at last!

The others too.

Yes, the others, but...


How about a drink?

After all, it's worth celebrating.

Another thing.

No more money wasted on hunting him.

How about that, mate?

With an isle and half our wealth,
call it quits.

Give us a smile.

Arthur's in the cellar.

After looking under every floorboard...

And not finding him.

What do we do now?

Execute him?

The jails are chock-a-block.

Meals alone

cost a fortune in veggie peelings.

You must kill Arthur.

If the people learn he is alive
and at Kaamelott,

you risk an uprising.

I'm sorry.

You're much less popular than him.


Don't we get a drink?

You're not a nice guy.

There are no nice guys in this room.

- Merlin, where does this lead?
- Up my arse!

Wherever we want.

With me in charge,
things tick over better!

We tried to reach Kaamelott.

You were close, morons.

I used your absence

to map the network.

Like I told you to!

But the great Percival and Caradoc

prefer to tell me

my magic's no use underground.



In person.

And in a sorry state.

How can we save him?

Smash the lock.

But what with?

They took my cheese knife!

My shirt's way too soft.

We can't escape from here
without Arthur.



Hiya! It's Mummy!

Why's this cow here?

Keep back, scum!

I'm freeing my daughters.

Is your little resistance group booming?


My wife's with Lancelot.

I feared you'd yell.


Miss Ugly's with Lancelot?

Girls, bring your comrades

to the kitchens.

- You'll eat.
- No, mother!

In the name of justice, we stay here!

We'd be more use outside.

Screw that! We stay here!

By the way,

I'm marrying this guy

and his family

isn't very good!

Lady Myfanwy.

A pity about the circumstances...

- She's a bitch.
- Even so.

I obtained a pardon

for the youngest,

but I couldn't help the rest of you.

I'd choke to death
before Creepy Granny frees me.

How dare you look at him,
woman of such low morals?

Stand back!

He has changed.

Unlike you.

As ugly as ever.

Stop this witch
from putting a curse on our king.

You'll stop nothing, scum!

Your king's bleeding.

And he's feverish.

Shall I open the cage?

No, leave it.

Let him die in it.

At his own pace.

How can you be so heartless
towards someone you loved?

It's easy.

How come no one ever iced this bitch?

No regrets, girls?
Backing the losers?

Screw you!

Madam, it was a pleasure.

Ugly cow!

Well then?

If they find the hole,
we're screwed.

Got a spell for the lock?

I don't do spells underground!

Nor out in the open!

What about this?

Where's that from?

I filched it
from that dumb guard.

See that, chums?

Who's the gang's cretin now?

I have a talent!

I'm ok, my dad has money.

I can cast a spell.

You never cast it!

Damn lock!

Hurry it up!

The guard will miss his key.

I refuse to use a spell
from my traitor of a father!

A traitor who lives here.

Petrok, quiet!

Who's his father?

Lot of Orkney!

- Iagu!
- Yes, he's a traitor.

A lousy brigand!

Let's split!

Move it!


We'll free everyone,

but kings first, then yokels.

Hurry, the guards will be back!

What's going on?

Can we let go?

Let go of what? Are you nuts?

- He's heavy!
- Haul him up, idiots!

We haul him up?

What a pain...

Back in the cage?

By his feet, cretins!

Isn't by the hole better?

Haul him up!

The cells are all empty!

- We collapse it?
- Collapse what?

If we don't, they'll find our HQ.

What a gang of pillocks!

The tunnel from HQ to Kaamelott

may not lead back to HQ.

Collapse it!

Let's go!

Find him!

Or I'll hang you by your privates.


Very constructive.

Why are you here?

You dally while he flees!

We have to find him?

They collapsed their tunnel.

We're not hands-on.

Nor brainy, not that I said so...

The prospect of being hung by the nuts

is an incentive to move our arses.

Argumentum baculinum.
Might is right.

Drat, it's both correct and apt.

Instead, we'll opt for

Delenda Carthago.

"Carthage must be destroyed",
which is just dumb.

Should we go hunting again?

Horsa! If we hunt,
we need money or land.

Enough of it!

You won't get half the realm

for searching three bushes
and finding nothing!

I'll give you all you want,

but you leave now.

Right now!

What? Whatever they want?

That's a hasty reaction

and that's never good.

Don't act like you're bonkers!

- Give guarantees.
- Wulfstan!

First, find Arthur.

For the money...

we'll work it out later.


I can't go on.

My poor back.

That way.

Then straight on.

I think some of them got lost
in the tunnels.

You were hiding here?


Surprised, ducky?

I'm quite speechless.

- Do you have weapons?
- No.

No need, a new technique.

We wear bright clothes
to look venomous.

If you want weapons, I know a spot

with a weapon in a stone.

Hervé de Rinel?

Where did you come from?

The jails.

I followed people through a hole.

Should I go back?

Why not show yourself earlier?

I'm not the showy type.


What the hell?

Who the hell is he?

For my quest.

- What quest?
- To be a knight.

So you kill King Arthur?

The man who can make you a knight?

- It's the law.
- Killing the king?

- Are we pea-brains? Your name!
- Kolaig!

Not your trade!

My name's Kolaig!

"He who desires a knight's wife
must kill that knight."

You desire a knight's wife?

King Arthur's.

I'm not a king, nor a knight
and I have no wife.

Guinevere isn't your wife?

It's not that simple.

I mustn't kill you then.

- Sorry.
- We are too, young patriot.

Do 16,500 push-ups,
8,000 lunges,

a fruit juice break,

then 16,500 more push-ups.
- Wait.

Do you know where Guinevere is?

Of course.

I ended up in jail because I know.

Lancelot keeps her
in an old, uncharted and ruined tower.

I send letters in cakes

cos the Kaamelott pastry chef
fancies my sister.

- This is great, Sire!
- Shut up.

- Sire, it's classy.
- Enough! And don't call me Sire.

We have a mission.

- Like in Round Table days.
- You missed it.

Sorry, Sire.

Shut up! The guards will spot us.

There are three today for once.

There are five of us.
Who cares?

Six, counting you.
Yeah, ok.

- What?
- I see four.

It all depends on how you count.

How long has she been held?

The pastry chef has sent cakes
for several years.

Several years?

What do we do?

Start with the three prats, maybe?

You mean us?

Them, moron!

We'll pulverize them!

Don't lay into them like mad.

Just keep them here.

We have a new technique,
without weapons.

We talk them into submission.

How do you alert her?

When the guard changes,
I throw gravel.

I'll go.

No! What's he doing? No!

Happy? They'll sound the alert.

I warned you!

We leave?

Maybe not now.

But we move it.

You're using the door?

What else?

I have to climb up using the creeper.

- Why?
- It's my first time.

My quest for my love.

There's a creeper.

I won't use the stairs like a loser.

- Is it you, my friend?
- Yes, my love!

What a thrill!

I'm here to free you.

Free me?

Heavens, can that be?

Did you hear that? Free me!

We leave at last!

I haven't packed madam's bags.

I don't care.

Just take my suitor's messages.

My saviour!

Nearly there!

Sorry to spoil things,
but it's taking too long.

They'll be back with others.

I'll hurry.

Shit, this is tough.

- Take the stairs.
- No!

There's a door to break down.

You can't bring Guinevere down this way.

Can you take the stairs
and pick the lock?

It'll save time.

What a thrill!

Madam realizes
I can't give her privacy?

I'm locked in here too.

My love?

No. Stand back.
We're breaking the door down.

My God! Am I dreaming?

That voice...

Yes, it's me.
Is anyone behind the door?


- Go on then.
- Me?

My good shoulder is shot.

Go on.

- Ok, stand aside.
- But, Sire...

You're alive! I knew it.

I just knew it.

Madam, your suitor has moved
a foot or two.


Oh, yes.

Forgive me,
I realize this may be awkward,

but I happen to be awaiting...

That's ok.

I did the door
in case the guards return.

If you have to leave fast,
take the stairs.

Thank you. Sorry.

It's all right.

I'll take this opportunity
to go down too.

If ever Madam...


Stand 200 steps along the path
in case anyone comes.

On the path?

Go 200 steps along it

and stand guard.
- If no one comes, we come back.

No. Stand guard
in case anyone comes.

If no one does?

If no one comes, good.
Stand guard.

That changes nothing.

Can't we stand guard here?


Go 200 steps first.

Wasn't it in case anyone comes?

What if one stays here?

No one stays here.
Go 200 steps along the path.

Oh, right!

And stand guard.

- In case anyone comes.
- In case... Yes.

But stand guard anyway.

Even if no one comes.

- Don't come back.
- Ok.

Go on.


You prefer me to start?
That's fine by me.

- Go 200 steps.
- Together?

That's it.

After that...

- There!
- We come back.

- No, stand guard.
- Ah, ok!

If no one comes, we do 200 more,
all the way to the sea.

- Can you manage, my friend?
- Coming, my love.

This is too tough.

It's full of thorns!

Hurry up now.

We can't hang about.
We iced a Saxon.

I give up.

I'm on the wrong quest.

What's that? Give up?

I'll become a knight another way.

Aren't you in love?


Why not,

but I think I got a bit carried away.

For me, a good quest
would be more...

Tell her no one's climbing up
and to come down.

We're splitting.

No more lover?

No more lover...
I don't know. Maybe.

We'll see.
In any case, he'll be less...


Who are these idlers?

What are they up to?


Forged on site!

The Sword of Kings
forged near the Stone of Gods.

Just handfuls left.

...snakes and bats.

The great Merlin will command
the wind and lightning.

Hey, lads!
Wooden figurines?

I have Arthur, Lancelot,
Merlin, Guinevere...

the herb tea of the Gods.

A miracle cure
for gas and ingrown nails.

As well as for dental pain
and flat feet.

Keep away from the stone.
They'll chase you off.

You can't go any further.

The sky will turn dark
and a divine wind will strike Kaamelott

down to the distant sea.

Arthur Pendragon
sits at the Round Table and says,

"Friends, this table
is like some cheeses.

We can divide it equally,
but it will be hard to grate."

It's him!

It's him, it's him!

Who's she?

The Lady of the Lake.

Isn't she invisible?

I've been banished, you dicks!

Because this guy refused the mission

entrusted by the gods.

It's why you're here, isn't it?

It is, actually.

I thought I could try...

Yes, you're going to try!

And don't chicken out, ok?


What's going on here?

What's all this about?

What's he doing here?

Halt, ill-advised peasants!

Turn back now or you'll be shaken.

Not stirred.

Don't you recognize me?

Make an effort.

I cross my fingers
and many people's paths.

The Stone of Gods is off limits.

Turn back or else.

Why are you here, you swine?

- You?
- Let us by, dickhead.

No time for wimps.

You know each other?

By sight.

Sir Percival is my brother.

Your brother?

He's my brother, Lamorak!

How come we never saw him before?

He's no brother, he's a moron.

My brother is too, but you know him.

Yours is enough.

Sire, do we waste him?

Who do you call Sire?

The only Sire here
is he who removes Excalibur.

That's why we came,

but you block the path with your wimps.

Only the Chosen One
can remove Excalibur.

So why

stop people from trying?

In case an unchosen one

forces it out.


Know what, you dick?

One pitch, two teams.

Best of three at Robobrole.

- You can't be serious.
- At what?

It's a Welsh game.

My brother sucks at it.

I don't suck at Robobrole.

Even Granny said so.

You want your King Arthur
to approach the stone?

Three rounds.

If you win, you can try.
If you lose,

you go to the farm
to tell Dad and Mum

I wiped you out.

All right. That's good.

Here's my idea.

Let me go to the Stone and then

play all the Welsh games you want.

Stay away from it.

Unless you win.

Robobrole in three rounds!

Not one, not two, three!

Nine shells.

We can multiply the Brobin
by 1, 4, 6, 21 and 3.

The Brobons too,
except 4, 6 and 4.

The Brobinle is set at 24 points.

Three Turn-Robobrins,
winning pass, Ratou-Robole

and, for those who are real men,

If anyone scores Robobrole...

Don't count on it, guys.


What isn't clear?

- Go on?
- Is there a ball or anything?

- Usually, no.
- Want one?

No, count me out.

A ball changes nothing.

- The points are what matter.
- Bring a ball.

All right, lads! Here we go!

Don't let them impress you!

Fall back to the 21 line.


Sire, take 31 players

and stay 15 feet behind the Robourle.

Stop calling him Sire!

Everyone else, attack!

Boubin, Broube, Roubou
to six.

Go on, get stuck in!

You said 31 players?
There are five of us.

Don't quibble.
It's not the Round Table.


Drop the ball for a Brobinle.

24 points in one go.

Some people think too much.

Sire, forget the ball.
It's not important.

So what do I do?

You win points!

Play for points!

16! A line of 16.

Where? You're four shells down.



Robourle! Sound the horn.

Robourle or Roubourle?

Robourle, not Roubourle.

No Robourle.

That's no Robourle.

That'll teach you.

Make the most
of the Bobrol-Roubrelo-Crobrocres!

We won't get another chance like it!

What a pain!

Does that count as a foul?



What now?

Robobrole! We win!

You've played before.

I haven't.

If I'd kneed one in the nuts,
we'd have won right away?

No, Sire.
Robobrole is more than kneeing.

Can he pull the sword out now?

He can try anyhow.

I raise my horn,

a horn full of disgustingly bad plonk.

Even worse than usual.

Lancelot bans imported wines.
It's local.

Just saying it's bad.

I drink to my daughter's return

and the accursed nitwit
thought dead

who freed her.

What about our resurrected champions?

We'd got used to you being dead.

Not me,
but I have no idea who you are.

You can say we founded
what people call

the Arthurian age.

We did it all.

We set up Britain.

The navy. The metal industry.
The spice trade.

Before, with a cut,

you'd rot away.

With Arthur, you got care.

750,000 health centres.

- Who did that?
- Artour!


The chicken is spectacular!

Why is he here exactly?

It's touchy.

Is my guest a problem?

Guests can be dismissed.

By order of arrival,
he won't be dismissed first.

Fine, but why is he here?

Your father's whim.

A sort of fancy.

That lump arrived with his weirdos...

To besiege us.

Who's telling this?

We're feeding a guy who came
to put arrows in our derrières!

The siege failed and your father, bam!

For some reason,
he set them up on our land

with war machines, tents
and the works.

I don't regret it.

What if the Saxons raid
and find their arsenal?

Do you think they'll show understanding?

If the Saxons raid, we're all dead.

They're not our towers.

Towers are banned,
yours or others'.

They'll seize them.

Before they do that,
can't we try something?

You imagine
you gave me the idea, perhaps?

We don't have one crossbowman left!

And theirs can't be trained.

Anyone can be trained.

No, not them.

Can't you do that?

What can't I do?

Train troops, do sieges, all that.

Didn't you do it once?

Yes, but I didn't train morons.

Well, I did,
but not this moronic.

Along with...

Their machines get piled up.

It takes three days
to untangle everything.

I spent two weeks

yelling my lungs out

and never got two
to march side by side.

They can't be trained.

What are you up to?

You gave me a fright.

You're taking off?

If I'm wearing a cape,
that means I'm taking off?

You're not taking off?

I am. But if I say where,
you'll only yell.

I'm likely not to give a damn,

but tell me and we'll see.

I forgot something at the tower.

The tower? The Ban ruins?

Yes. In the rush,
when things always have to go fast,

I thought I got everything,
but I didn't.

You're going to the Ban ruins now?
A four-hour walk?

Four? I thought it was three.

By day. It's four at night.

Hold on, you can't leave for Ban now.
Be serious.

I forgot my crown of flowers,
so I'm fetching it.

Your crown of flowers?

Who cares about that?

We save you and you go back?
Are you crazy?

If you freed me to stop me
from moving freely, why bother?

I'm not stopping you.

I'm going to get my crown of flowers.

It's not my crown of flowers,
it's yours.

My crown of flowers?
No, I don't have one.

The one you wore on our wedding day.

It's not as important for you
since you never care

as for me who gets soppy
about symbols.

I'll add that it's a lucky charm

that, I've been told,
provided you with security and serenity

as long as I had it with me.

It ensured me security and serenity?

It works really well!

Worth a night hike, risking patrols
or famished wolves.

Come on, let's go!

I'm going to fetch my crown of flowers.

Let me change shoes
and put on a woolly.

I'm not asking you anything, my dear.

You've done so much for me.

You don't want me to come?

I do. Yes, I do, please.


don't grumble all the way.

I love it.

I just love it!

I don't get it.

You can't get them coordinated
on a battlefield,

but this they can do.

They're dumb, ok,

but they're good musicians.

Ok, let's hurry now.

You're not coming up with me?

No, I stand guard here.
Go on.

All alone?

Go on, damn it!

We can't let a patrol trap us up there.

I stand guard while you go.

And don't take a week, ok?
Go on.

- I hear noises!
- Hurry it up!

We send no one?

Stop asking.

Sorry, I ask each time.

You know, we think these are attacks,
but maybe

it's just a tradition for them.

A show then?

Should we toss them coins?

Hear anything?

Yeah, just now.

A moronic voice asking,
"Hear anything?"

- Drum.
- Sure?

Of course I'm sure.
Don't start. Drum!

- Drum.
- Yeah, I got that.


That's new, they're doing it to music.

Remember, this self-styled civilization

has known centuries of in-breeding.

They're retards.

What now? Do something fast!

- We send the lancers?
- Too late! They're in place.

- I don't know.
- Then shut up!

- It's now!
- Of course!

I say no.

Stop being a wimp.

You'll ruin it!

React, damn it!

Give an order right now!

An order, you mouldy lizard!

What's going on down below?

Lancelot will react.

I bet it's my dad.

No, I won't collapse our work

for a vague notion.

- For God's sake!
- Want a slap in the face?

We'll wreck it all!

It'll hurt,
but Arthur ordered it.

Sure, after ten years,
he turns up and says,

"Collapse it all."

No way!

Who leaves ropes lying around?

Get us out,

instead of just standing there,
you maniac!

A secret passage

leads from this room.
Everyone knows that!

Only Arthur knew the entrance.

We're not going to stay stuck in here,

waiting to die like rats!

Do you know
where that passage is or not?

You mean this?

Since we last met,

you can't have changed much.

Changed? In relation to what?

Bravery, honour, dignity.

Of course not.

Be gone. Far from here.

Return to Logres and you'll be hanged.



You'll hang people?

You're not very credible
as a merciless avenger.

Explain your plan
to your Burgundy friends.

The idiots are destroying your fortress.

I gave the order to open fire.

You have Excalibur?

I hear it's lost its powers,

that the gods
no longer back Arthur Pendragon.

- Let's go.
- Everyone in the boats!

I said we'd reach the trireme by dark,
so we will!

Back to Rome!

Back to Rome!

Back to Rome!

Three years in this dump.

- No more of that maniac yelling at us!
- It won't change.

Where are you going?


What's going on?


By Minerva, what were you doing?

We nearly left you!

The tide's turning!

Climb in now!

In Rome,

you'll get three months' latrine duty!

Come on, row!


You're an incompetent.

You're an incompetent!


Why the hell are you here?

- Sire, are you injured?
- Get him out!

No, I'm fine.

Couldn't you stay put?

You'd vanished.

We ended up finding the tunnel.

If you're ok, why lie down?

No reason. Let's get going.

No reason?

Let's go before it all collapses on us!

Isle of Thanet, Saxon territory

- Sire, may I ask something?
- Here we go...

Is Thanet theirs or ours now?


Like Wales

where we demand
independence from Logres?

I confess I'd like to know.

- Not independent.
- No.

Not independent?

You stay under Kaamelott's jurisdiction?


Of course.

So, Thanet is still attached to Logres?

- Yes.
- Obviously.

Everything's fine then.

I don't understand it all,
but it doesn't look so bad.

On one tiny condition.

Oh, right.

If you want money, forget it.

We're broke.

We can give you a loan.

Sire, I deduce

that you plan to re-establish
your famous Round Table.


A round table
much bigger than the first, right?


Sire, I won't beat about the bush.

I own an island
in the Kingdom of Logres.

And I've served Kaamelott

in a loyal manner
for many long years...

I request a permanent seat

at your new Round Table.

Is he serious?

You can't let this nutter join.

He can keep his isle.
We never went there.

Logres is sacred
and can't be carved up.

That's true.


The quest for the Grail.

When do we start?