Just Swipe (2021) - full transcript

Swipe right but you still
don't match up to me.

Swipe right, yes you'll
never catch up to me.

I know I got my flaws, but trust
me they're nothing compared to

yours, no.

I've tried but you still
don't match up to me.

Thank you for the message
but I haven't got the time.

If you and got time for me.

Thank you for the flowers
but I've got an allergy.

I guess that shows
you don't know me.

Didn't even know there
was a message on the card.

Did I tell you where I live?



I'm waiting for someone who
really wants to put me first.

I've given all I've got to give.

Swipe right.

But you still don't
match up to me.

Swipe right, yes, you'll
never catch up to me.

I know I've got my flaws,
but trust me they're nothing

compared to yours, no.

I've tried but you still
don't match up to me.

Ayyy Ohhh Ayyy Ayyy Ohhh Ayyy
Ohh Ayy Ayy...

But you still
don't match up to me.

First dates are
always so strange,

I never know how to
get the ball rolling.

I would like you to tell me
the story of your wines please.

One is red, one is white,
they are eight bucks a glass,



the end.

Four eggs, bacon,
no potatoes, no toast.

Capeesh?

Oh yes, I capeesh.

For the second date we are
just going to go to my gym.

I would love to train you.

You know, get those
arms nice and tight.

Sexy.

I could show you some
push-ups if you have a moment.

Oh, I actually already
have a personal trainer.

But, what about
going to see a movie?

What is your favorite?

How about you tell me
a delicious little secret?

Something that you
have never told anyone?

Oh, okay.

Well, once I ate an entire bag
of Oreos on a dare at summer

camp.

By delicious, I mean, sexy.

What is something that you
would only tell a lover?

Oh, well, I do like
to be tied up, you know.

With silk ties.

Well, I do happen
to have one right here.

When I was a kid I love
Charlie and the chocolate

factory.

I love that movie,
are you kidding me?

Well, the second one.

The first one was trash.

The second one?

I will have a steak,
very, very well done.

Burn it and soak it in thousand
Island dressing, please.

Wet.

Medium rare.

Perfect.

Do you want to talk about it?

No.

Why is it so hard
to find a good guy?

Because you're not
looking for a good guy,

you are looking for
the perfect guy.

And they don't exist.

What, I can have a type?

I mean, everybody has a type.

Yes, everyone has a type.

You don't have a type,
you have a gauntlet.

Here is you, a great guy, right?

This is him.

Needs to be hot and sexy.

You jumped over
that really easy.

It's because he works
out all the time.

This is him being
successful and rich.

So far he's doing great.

And this is all of the
nitpick crap that you are going

to come up with to justify
rejecting him anyway.

Nitpicking?

Come on.

What about that guy
who did voiceovers?

Dennis?

With the tooth thing?

It wasn't that noticeable.

Yes, but it was there.

It was right there
every time he smiled.

Okay, what about the guy
that owned that big electronics

store?

Oh, Cole, yeah.

No, he got all the lyrics
wrong and it was so annoying.

What about that hot and sexy
Latino guy that owned a bar?

Okay, he made a really weird
sound when he chewed and one of

his toes was freakishly short.

That isn't - I can't help that.

You know the reason why you
keep rejecting these guys has

nothing to do with them.

So what should I do?

Date a guy, string him along,
and then break his heart

eventually?

Tell me how that's better.

You are an amazing,
smart, beautiful,

woman who deserves a great guy.

But the universe keeps sending
them to you and you keep

returning them.

Eventually, it's
going to be too late.

What is so funny?

You don't want to know.

So clicky.

I still love you both,
just a little bit less.

Oh, how is your date with
Mr. cargo shorts, Miles?

It went exactly how I
thought it was going to go.

I almost fell asleep
in my tiramisu.

It was so boring.

That's too bad.

He was so cute.

I know, but you have to be
this cutesy goeth cargo shorts,

honey.

How did he take it?

The usual way.

You still slept with him?

A lady never tells.

A toast to somebody who just
secured the star front on

Melrose that they have
been stocking for a year.

Oh my God, you
are a rockstar.

We start construction next
month and I just got a shipment

of the most beautiful fabric
the world has ever seen.

Do you want to see the new one?

Yes.

Yes.

Bam.

Llamas.

Alpacas.

Llamas are so 2018.

Of course Donna by design
will be doing the grand opening.

Of course.

What if we have
actual alpacas there?

And then we make gift
bags out of your material?

Do alpacas spit?

I think that's camels.

Alpacas do spit but
not the ones you ride.

They are chill, they
will do selfies.

Hi, baby.

Do you want corn, potatoes,
and fried chicken tonight?

Surprise me.

Paul is so insanely hot.

Just your average gourmet
chef bodybuilder who can't keep

his hands off me.

His arms are ridiculous.

You know how the elevator in
our building is from the 1800s,

literally anytime it's not
working he just carries me up

the stairs.

It's so romantic.

Speaking of romantic, did
you enjoy your little sleepover?

Did we?

You spent the night?

Try to keep up.

It was fine.

Until -
Here it comes.

You guys, he
wears tighty whities?

It's like having
sex with my dad.

Your dad wears boxer briefs.

What?

I accidentally saw him changing
during one of your pool parties

in middle school.

Ew.

He was packing heat.

Stop, oh my God.

This is ridiculous, give me
that I'm going to pick the

next one and I dare you to
find something wrong with him.

Okay, major agency gorgeous
6'1" and I know he doesn't wear

tighty whities, because here is
a picture of him looking fine

and a pair of $165
Derrick Rose boxers.

Bam.

Bald.

So?

I don't find bald guys sexy.

I never have, I can't get
past the home Mr. clean thing.

Mr. clean is freaking hot.

And you know his
house would be spotless.

That's strange.

They are saying that that whole
virus thing is crazy contagious.

Like, it could end
up being a pandemic.

The news is so extra.

Always exaggerating.

Delivery.

Okay, thanks.

All right, mask on.

Oh, oh my gosh I am so sorry.

I thought that you were done.

I am almost done.

I'm sorry, I know that that
wasn't six feet but I want you

to know that
I have not left my -

I better.

Since lockdown started.

I have not had close physical
contact with anyone else,

like in a long time.

Like even before the virus.

Oh, that's sad.

No, I mean I have friends.

Going dates.

But, I just don't have anybody,
what I'm saying is I'm totally

safe.

Oh, can I go now?

Of course.

Of course.

I will wait until you are done.

All right.

Okay, instead of starting
with our usual quiz to loosen

everyone up, I thought we
might try something else.

A new what is your
Princess game.

I sent a link.

Claire, you go first.

If I don't get snow white,
this stupid thing is broken.

Cinderella, so basic.

Brian, there is something
wrong with your camera,

we can't see you.

Sorry, Tony, it's been
one of those mornings.

You know, like, every morning
until the end of time,

apparently.

Dad, I need a computer for
zoom class and Devon is using it

to play Minecraft.

He said I could do
Minecraft for my naptime.

Excuse me for one moment.

Dad is working, now although I
am in the shower I am at work.

From what I'm seeing
down here, Devon,

you've got two
options young man.

Either you learn how to wipe the
toilet seat and get the pee off

of it or learn how to be
a man and hit the can.

Do I make myself clear, sir?

Sorry, I was just helping
the kids with their homework.

Where were we?

The princess thing.

Wait, Mulan isn't a princess?

She is a warrior.

Vanessa.

Yeah, snow white.

Great.

Okay, right.

Whatever.

Can we start, please?

I have a client with a ton of
questionable's on his Google

results.

Can we take a look
at Greg Swanton?

What a creep, did you see
his Snapchat profile pic?

He didn't even pay the
nursing home his own mother or

daddy.

It gets worse, there's a ton
of nasty reviews on Amazon and

he had so many anti-immigrant
tweets his housekeepers quit.

That wasn't
because of the tweets.

They sued him for
sexual harassment.

I'm going to have to write a
ton of content to push this past

the first two pages.

Vanessa-
I'm at work.

Well, I would tell you to
call me back later but I'm about

to have a heart
attack from stress.

So don't worry about it.

I want a simple memorial, Cardi
B should do something from her

first album.

I want to be buried in that gray
suit with a collar and I want my

ashes scattered in Fred Segal.

Okay, everybody relax.

Relax?

The bank is going to foreclose
on my store if I don't come up

with some payments.

I'm sure that everyone is
going to start buying stuff

again soon.

And one is that,
a year from now?

I will be living
in a box by then.

Luckily, I have a ton to choose
I sold one shirt in the last

week and I'm pretty sure the
guys just going to use as toilet

paper.

We are just wondering what is
so funny about this client being

wrongfully accused of
strangling a sex worker?

Okay, the Nobel Prize
for blank goes to blank.

Whining, the whole Internet.

Hey, babe, can you pick me
up my prescription before they

close?

Sure.

Do you have masks,
gloves, sanitizer?

Yes, ma'am.

Get in, get the prescription,
and get out, no browsing.

And have a wet wipe ready
to touch the door handle.

Aye, aye captain.

See you guys.

You are fun.

Okay, see know how my
birthday is only eight months

away?

Yes, everyone knows.

Yes, we all know.

Will you please get help,
get help right away.

So I think Paul is planning
something big, like really big.

Like getting down
on one knee big.

Well, seems like a weird time
for a protest but I'm down for

the cause.

Seriously?

What makes you think that?

He is being super
cagey about the specifics.

Maybe it's because it's
literally eight months away.

All I do is plan
other people's big days.

Now it's finally my turn.

Or, at least it will be once
this stupid virus is gone.

Wait, check him out.

I would kill for
all of that hair.

No jury in the world
would convict me.

It's a match.

He said he now has day
pajamas and night pajamas.

I'm going to go talk to him.

Don't hang up, you're
not doing anything.

Hi.

Hi.

Okay, Miss gorgeous, what are
you doing on this lame ass

dating app?

Oh, you know, just looking
for a little fun while my

husband is on a sold-out tour
with his Grammy award-winning

band.

Is it Bono?

It is Bono, isn't it?

I can't tell you that.

But yes, it is Bono.

Wow, that is impressive.

My wife is a supermodel two
PhD's so I certainly would know.

It is so weird, isn't it?

I have watched every video
on the Internet and I mean,

every single one.

I haven't worn
a bra in weeks.

Me neither.

I went to get something out
of my purse yesterday and I was

like, oh my God, that's right,
we used to have purses.

I'm pretty sure my
shoes think I died.

It just happened
so fast, didn't it?

I remember when they told us
to sing happy birthday while we

washed our hands
and I was like okay.

Seems like a million years ago.

So, do you want to take this
to the next level and face time?

Slow down there, we just met.

Sure.

Why not?

Okay.

Is Brandon there?

Yes, let me get him for you.

Ta-da.

Oh, it's you.

It's just, your profile pic you
looked a lot -

Younger and with more hair.

Yes, they are not the most
recent photos but they are all

me.

Got you.

But I did lie
about something.

Okay.

Yes, I don't have
day and night pajamas.

What I have are inside
and outside pajamas.

And those are?

Well, these are outside
pajamas, of course.

What kind of Neanderthal would
meet a lady in his inside

pajamas?

Well, at least you have
a nice place to quarantine.

That fireplace is huge.

Yes, but it's not how big
it is, it's how you use it.

So, what do you do?

What do I do?

I help rich people manage their
time so that they can make even

more money.

A consultant.

Hello.

Yes, hello.

My God, who is this?

This is countryside Windsor
Bell of Northampton acres.

Your kidding me.

I wish that I was.

I did not name her she
is a show champion.

But I call her Steve.

Say hello, Steve.

Poor princess,
that's terrible.

She's adorable so she
gets away with murder.

Which, I'm sure
you can relate to.

Brandon - You are
killing my game here,

Steve I was seriously
crushing this.

Look, you're a great guy.

Great, I will meet you at
City Hall in an hour and we can

tie the knot.

No, I get it.

You are out of my league.

What, I didn't say that.

Didn't you?

I'm really sorry.

Yeah, look, I know I
should've put up a more recent

photo.

I also know how the world works.

And for the first
time in my life,

I feel like I'm
running out of time.

It turns out a global
pandemic can cause a lot of

soul-searching, who knew?

Maybe there is a multi-verse out
there where your insides matter

more than your outsides.

And if there is, I
will meet you there.

But, until then I'm sorry
that I wasted your time.

Say goodbye to the
nice lady, Steve.

Goodbye.

Wait.

How do you like your steak?

My steak?

Like literally or is this
some kind of a sex thing?

No, literally.

Medium.

Usually I just leave
it up to the chef.

Nothing weird on top?

Is steak sauce weird?

Okay, if you had to choose
the original Charlie and the

chocolate factory or
the Tim Burton remake?

You are not seriously
asking me that.

I am.

Okay, if aliens were given
that remake to decide whether or

not to keep us
alive as a species,

they would instantly
vaporize us.

And, they should.

Right, Steve?

Dogs or cats?

I'm actually allergic to cats
but I love them so much am going

to pick them anyway.

Sorry, Steve.

She's already stormed off
to file a complaint with HR.

My mistake, it is time
for the morning walkies.

Crap, I forgot
what time is it?

It is 8:52 AM.

I have to be at
work in eight minutes.

Quick get in the shower.

Where are my shoes?

But seriously, I do have to go
and look semi-human for work.

This was really nice.

Yes, it certainly was.

Can I call you later?

Sure.

I will be done around 2:00 PM.

2:00 PM will not work, I will
be placing my empty pizza box on

top of my trash pile.

How is 3:00 PM

No, I'm sorry,
that's not going to work because

I'm going be holding my hair
like this to see if bangs would

work at 3:00 PM.

Well, this
just isn't going to work out.

Oh, no, I guess not.

It was nice meeting you, though.

Stay safe.

Jinx.

Now I have to call you
so that you can un-jinx me.

You hang up first.

You hang up first.

Anyone else have anything?

I need an article
about 90s TV shows.

Vanessa, why don't you do it?

You grew up watching them.

I'm only nine
years older than you.

10.

Whatevs.

See, that's something old
people say like lit, or fam,

or Facebook.

Okay, before we say goodbye,
let's just go around and do one

quick - >>

My modem is
freezing let me call you back.

Miles, I know we
talked about this.

I am a carbon-based life form
this is how we processed waste.

It's disgusting.

Everybody poops, Donna.

I read in a book.

Would you just call us
back when you are done?

Wait.

I'm done.

Oh, God.

That was not 20 seconds.

I am in my own home
Donatello what am I touching?

Everything.

I am so sorry, excuse me.

I'm just a little tired for
my all-nighter last night.

You cybered with Mr.
gray hair last night?

Yes.

His name is Brandon,
and to be honest,

those pics were like from 20
pounds in 2 inches of hairline

ago.

I knew it, that was
the hair of the gods.

Wait, I'm confused.

It took you all night to tell
him never to contact you again?

Brutal.

No.

We actually spent all night
getting to know each other.

I never met anyone like him.

But - There is no but.

There's always a but.

Not this time.

He is funny, he is sweet, smart,
and you know he also has an

insane home in the
Hollywood Hills.

Okay, so you're not attracted
to him you are attracted to his

house.

Hey, that's not fair.

She is attracted
to his job also.

Yes, he's successful.

But he's also not my type so I
feel like those things cancel

each other out.

That isn't how love
works, it isn't antimatter.

Isn't it?

We trade the imperfections we
can't live with for the ones

that we can.

Plus, you guys knew me before.

You know how hard I have worked
to really get to like who I am

today.

Yes, you were fluffier and
your skin was interesting.

But you are still the
same person on the inside.

People love to say
that but it's not true.

You know, when you live in a
world where your outside is more

important than the inside,
it changes your inside.

Not for the good.

How much do you even
know about this guy?

Have you run him through
your scrub me program?

No, not yet.

But I'm going to get his last
name at dinner tonight and then

going deep, Instagram, Snapchat,
Facebook, background check.

If this guy has so much as an
unpaid parking ticket I'm going

to find it.

Or, hear me out.

You could just trust
that he's a good guy.

Yeah because insane, psycho,
stalkers usually put that right

in their profile.

That reminds me, I need
to see via MySpace page.

What, you have nothing
in your digital profile?

Of course I do, which
is exactly why I hit it.

Try to keep up.

I'm all for the background
check but the other stuff,

if you like him, you like him.

Wait.

What time is it?

I have to go shave
my legs for tonight.

We are having our
first real dinner date.

No guy wants to find out
the girl he's talking to is

half yeti.

Donna, will you stay on?

I want us to watch
housewives together.

I have to go do
something first.

What?

Just take me with you.

No.

Wait?

Are you pooping?

Girls don't poop.

Yes you do.

No, actually we don't, ever.

Siri, do girls poop?

Girls do poop,
here are some videos.

No, God no.

Now, listen, this is a
very important night for me,

don't you mess it up.

Okay?

High five.

Fine, here.

I'm a little bit nervous, okay.

Okay.

I told you no teeth.

Hello.

Wow, you look ravishing.

This old thing.

I've had it forever.

You look quite
handsome yourself.

Well, thank you.

Actually, since it is our first
date, I decided to wear pants.

Wow.

And shoes.

I remember those.

Yes, it was a very
emotional reunion.

So, Brandon, what
is your last name?

It is Donaldson.

What is yours?

McConnell.

I have been talking to you
for like eight hours today and I

never asked you what
you do for a living.

Well, first of all,
it was 10 and secondly,

I work for a company that
suppresses negative Internet

results on Google.

Basically, we write original
content to push the stuff that

people don't want you to
see to the third page.

You know, you could just
click past the first two pages

of a Google search and go
straight to the third page,

right?

What?

Hold on, I have to
write this down.

I'm calling my boss.

You have just blown this
whole operation wide open.

I'm sorry had
to come from me.

To lock down.

To lock down.

Wow.

What?

It's just, I keep having
these moments where I realize

certain things are
just not forever.

Like, posting.

Jesus, you are right.

I mean we used to touch our
glasses together and then drink

from them.

We used to blow candles
out on birthday cakes,

sliced them up and then
distribute them to children.

So, I go into the boys bathroom
and I line up a ton of toilet

paper and I shove
into both nostrils.

Oh, no.

And I'm praying, please let
me get past the next few hours

of second-grade and no one will
know that I have a bloody nose.

Oh, yes, full proof plan.

Thank you.

All right, so, it's the end
of school and I dart across the

playground.

I'm thinking that
I'm getting there.

Then, there is a line of
pre-k kids walking so slowly,

with the rope and everything.

I feel the surge coming
but I get past them.

For some reason, I turn and then
blood just splurging out of both

nostrils.

No.

It's like at the end of the
Texas chainsaw massacre in the

elevator scene in the shining
had a baby - and from that point

until the end of the 12th grade
I was known as bloody Mary.

Wow.

That beats mine for sure.

I told you that
mine was worse.

What time is it?

It's like 3 AM, I think.
I've got to go to bed.

Okay.

Good night, V.

Is it okay that I called you, V?

Yeah, sure.

My best friends call me that.

Good night.

Bloody Mary.

I will come for you.

Look at my new mask.

It's cute.

Are those little dogs?

No, they are dicks.

That way if anybody is like why
are there dicks on your mask?

I can tell them, if you can
tell that they are dicks you are

standing too close.

Six feet apart mother fucker.

Brilliant.

Dick mask, yes.

Let me take two of them.

I made out of the T-shirt
fabric I just sold 45,

no I'm sorry 49
people ordered them.

Do you know what this means?

I am at the forefront.

I'm going to be a
titan of industry.

So, did you
get his last name?

Yes, I did.

Well?

Don't keep us waiting,
how bad is it?

I haven't looked them up yet.

I was going to and then
I thought, you know,

I have over analyzed every
relationship that I've ever had.

What if I just trust it?

Maybe Miles was right?

I'm sorry, I was looking at
my phone and then I heard maybe

Miles is right, so I'm back.

Okay, Brandon is going to
be joining us in a minute and I

want to go over some ground
rules, no being psycho,

no embarrassing stories
from when we were kids.

What about CVS?

Especially CVS.

I promise nothing.

You guys, I think I
really like this guy,

don't screw it up for me, okay?

Vanessa got caught
shoplifting tampons from CVS and

peed her pants.

I mean, hi, I'm Donna.

Did I do that wrong?

Going to murder you.

Hi, everyone.

It's nice to meet you guys.

Hi, I would like to offer my
condolences on the loss of your

hair.

Brandon I am so sorry.

No, that's okay.

Now, when your hair
was still with us,

what kind of
product did you use?

Well, this was fun, guys.

Goodbye.

No, it's fine.

Don't worry,
we are not crazy.

Not at all, boxers or briefs?

Mankinis.

Classic Pisces.

Actually, I'm a Leo.

Yes, but with the
Gemini rising a bit.

Donna, what the
hell you talking about?

You don't know anything
about astrology.

Classic Pisces.

Okay, what sign
comes after Pisces?

Pikachu.

Guys, you are being psycho.

A little psycho but it
shows that they care about you,

I can understand because
you are kind of wonderful.

Awe.

Fun fact Ted Bundy was one of
the most charming guys you would

ever meet.

That fact is not fun.

Okay, I will
make you to a deal.

Once there is a vaccine I
promise to let you know if I

follow through with my
plan to murder Vanessa,

cut her into little pieces
that I scatter in trash cans,

based on an Excel chart that I
put together with the LA County

trash collection system.

Deal?

Deal.

Deal.

So, what you guys going to
do for your first real date?

You mean, like in person?

Well, I hadn't really
thought about that.

I mean, I want us to
be safe, obviously.

All of the
restaurants are closed.

What about the Swan boats?

At the park late, it is outside,
you can be 6 feet apart and you

can wear your masks.

Yes, I want the first time
that we meet to be special.

You know?

I don't have to wear a mask or
- I certainly don't be 6 feet

away.

Okay, well,
what if we waited?

What if we pick a date way
down the line and if there is a

vaccine by then, we can meet.

I've got it, Halloween.

Could you come up with
a less romantic holiday?

Plus, there's no way that
there's going to be a vaccine

by then, what about Christmas?

You can unwrap each other.

Ew.

What you mean, that's sexy.

What about Valentine's Day?

That's nine months away.

But is it romantic enough?

Good point.

Valentine's Day it is.

Now, I heard that you all think
you are pretty good at cards

with friends.

Pretty good, I
will annihilate you.

It was my major in college.

I warned you,
they are fierce.

Bring it on.

Okay, you are ready, the next
one is: for his self produced

album Mark Zuckerberg
wraps to the sounds of -

My mom.

Hey, guys, Donna
by design here.

I'm going to teach you how to
make a homemade face on mask

with stuff you already have
in your kitchen pair just mix

mashed bananas, yogurt, and
honey, and apply to your face.

Wait 15 minutes before rinsing
off and you will have skin

smoother than a babies butt.

Well, we are officially in
lockdown which means people are

staying at home and only
interacting with those inside of

their social bubble.

Or, if you are single
like me, your cats.

Many people have expanded
their bubbles to include

extended family members.

We have just moved my
mother-in-law in with us and I'm

looking forward to all getting
to spending a lot of quality

time together.

Delivery.

Thanks, you can
just leave it there.

By the way left some
snacks outside for you.

Oh, thanks!

I coughed on all of them.

Kidding.

A little joke to get us
through this crazy time,

you know what I mean.

Never have I ever
drunk texted an ex.

Vanessa.

Lies.

So, I guess you're forgetting
all about Mitchell and me having

to go into the men's room with
him to accidentally bump his

phone into the toilet?

Do you know how many guy codes
I had to break to do that?

Wait?

You actually made him do that?

Begged me, crying.

And it wasn't just a text.

Okay, next round.

No, no, I want to know
what did you send him?

Look at this photograph.

I can't say I'm in shock
because Vanessa sent me a bunch

of pics on our first night.

Brandon.

I was very disturbed although
my friends are quite happy since

they all used them as
their screensavers.

He is a keeper.

Hey, guys, Donna by design.

If you are like me you
struggling with your oily

T-zone.

Puréeing cucumber, lemon,
mint, and egg white.

You can spread it,
smells like a spa day.

Well, it is 4 July and
with it comes restrictions on

gatherings of more
than 10 people.

The usual barbecues
are canceled.

Which is actually a relief to
people who are tired of being

asked at every family function
why they don't have kids yet.

I would be making my famous
ribs like I do every year,

but this year my mother-in-law
wants turkey burgers.

So, we are having
turkey burgers.

It's fine.

Hi.

Hey.

Oh, quite the little
sweatshop you've got going on

over there.

Literally.

Can you turn up the AC?

You are killing
my overhead, Peyton.

Okay, now I promised my
great-grandmother Millie that I

would never divulge her secret
banana nut muffin recipe.

However, I think that she
would give you a pass.

Right, Steve?

Awe, thank you Millie.

Now the secret here is you
need to cut the butter into the

flour using your hands.

Just stick my hands in there?

All right.

Okay.

There we go.

You got a little
on your nose there.

I do?

Yes, it's adorable, if I
was there I would wipe it off.

Okay.

Well, let's see.

Did I get it?

Maybe a little bit
more on the cheek.

What about here?

Did I get any up here?

Maybe the other cheek.

Did I get it now?

Because, if I didn't, it
would be really embarrassing.

Yes, you've got it.

Okay, Donna,
Miles, you are up.

God dammit.

Yes.

This is a really dumb game.

Ouch.

Oh.

So close.

That was not even close.

I am Asian I should be
better with ping-pong balls.

Yes.

Your turn, Donna.

Donna?

Yes.

Come on.

Lightweight.

I win.

Delivery.

Oh, can you do
me a huge favor?

There is a basket out there of
muffins that I need delivered to

that address, there's $20 there.

I'm not supposed to do any
deliveries that don't come from

dispatch.

Please?

I met this guy online and I
made those muffins from his

great-grandmother secret recipe
and he's going to love them.

You know, it's crazy how close
she can get to someone without

ever actually physically
touching them.

You know what I mean?

Not in a sexual way but,
actually maybe in a sexual way.

If I do this delivery can
we stop talking about this?

Oh, sure.

Yes.

I left an extra basket of
muffins out there for you.

They are unwrapped.

Well, yeah they are homemade.

And they are really
hard to make.

I put my blood sweat
and tears into those.

Delivery.

Yes.

Can I help you?

A delivery.

I didn't order any muffins.

No, they are from Vanessa.

From Vanessa?

Oh, the muffins.

Yeah.

What?

You didn't eat one, did you?

No, of course not.

Good, because that
batches like 100% pure.

You would've had
a really bad trip.

These are drug muffins?

Your... my hug muffin.

I was going to tip you.

Come here.

I've got you.

These muffins are not for you.

These are for me.

Wow.

Almost as good as yours, Granny.

I met someone.

I wish you could
have met her too.

Because, she is amazing.

Hey, hey, it is
your girl Donna.

And, I didn't get a chance to go
the supermarket this week so I'm

working with what I have.

Oatmeal, avocado, and a little
bit of French vanilla creamer.

It smells delicious.

It itches a little bit.

There something so
weird about no contact

trick-or-treating.

Oh, the kids don't care as
long as they get their candy.

In fact, they would
prefer it, no small talk.

Full-size, impressive.

For the kids.

Absolutely.

I may or may not have
gotten all of my favorites,

for the children, of course.

Hey, guys, me again.

The last mask didn't
work out so well.

But, that's why the good Lord
invented calamine lotion.

This has expired milk,
oats, and cinnamon.

You can really feel it
getting deep in those pores.

It is deep in there.

It is like a burning sensation.

Okay, now, it is really burning.

The dreaded second wave
is upon us which means

unfortunately, people will
be forced to have a virtual

Thanksgiving this year.

Although, it might be the least
stressful turkey day they have

ever had because they will be
able to avoid the never ending

questions about
their personal life.

Back to you.

That's right, Courtney.

Lucky for me, my mother-in-law
is still in our bubble.

So I get to hear, in person,
how dry my turkey is.

Happy Thanksgiving.

Hi.

Oh, happy
Thanksgiving to you, too.

Ouch.

I'm sorry, the holiday
orders are killing me.

I need more Rudolph.

I said use candy cane.

It really is the most
wonderful time of the year.

I can't believe you're making
Peyton work on Thanksgiving.

What, it's not like
he has any place to go.

Plus, I got him a
6 inch turkey sub.

You said foot-long.

I ordered a foot-long,
we are splitting it.

Paul has been cheating on me.

Oh, Peyton,
stop the machines.

We have like
another hundred to do.

My friend is hurting and she
needs me for the next 5 to 10

minutes.

I was going through his phone
to find this really hot picture

of me that he took the other
day and she texted him,

she was all like "hey, baby, why
don't you say you're going to

run another errand
so you can see me?"

Oh, Donna.

I am so sorry.

I told him to pack his crap
and get the hell out of my

house.

That's my girl.

And the worst part isn't
even the lying or the cheating,

or the sneaking around, who
knows how much coronavirus this

trash has been exposed to?

And he's been bringing
it home here to me.

I hope that his junk falls off.

Right off.

What do you need?

Soup?

Vodka?

I will bring over a care package
and pass it through the window.

I will keep on a mask and set
the fire escape and we will

watch really bad movies.

And I will send you my
favorite compilation of cats

being jerks videos which
will make you laugh so hard,

you will pee your pants
like you are Vanessa at CVS.

And I will bring
gummy sharks but,

the ones from the bottom of the
bin so they are extra squishy.

You guys are the best.

But I'm fine here all by myself.

I'm just going to give
myself a manicure,

order a bunch of crap online
I don't need, and take a nap.

That sounds perfect.

Hey, what color
snuggie should I get?

Oh God, no nobody ever
went wrong with classic blue.

I am working on a blog post
about all of the different

things that you can
do with duct tape.

Did you know that the astronauts
use it in space to put the wings

back on the shuttle?

That 100% never happened.

That is duct tape.

DUCT tape.

So annoying.

I'm not the one who doesn't
know how to spell duck, Brian.

So, who's annoying now?

And you still are
every single day.

Okay, okay, everyone relax.

It is duct like air duct.

Nevermind, it is fine.

Look, we are all stressed.

I get it.

Vanessa, have you finished
that call of duty list to call?

Vanessa, hello?

What?

Yes, call of duty,
high schools, got it.

What is wrong with you?

Nothing.

Why?

Because, zoning out for
no reason is a RONA symptom.

Are you serious, you can't
catch it through the Internet.

You don't know how
serious this thing is,

it was made by scientists.

And, I'm already at risk because
I'm using 5G and I'm not giving

that up.

Dad, Devon took the laptop
even though you told him I could

have it.

That's not fair I only
got to and she got one.

One is less than two, idiot.

Yeah, and Melody
called me an idiot.

Could you all excuse
me for one moment, please?

Devon, this is what happened
when you do mine craft and not

math.

Neither one of you should be
eating Twinkies this close to

dinner.

But, dad.
Dad.

Santa Claus just text me
and said he heard all of that.

Happy birthday to you.

Happy birthday to you.

Happy birthday dear Donna.

Happy birthday to you.

Okay, make a wish.

This is ridiculous.
Everybody is having zoom

birthday parties, it is fun.

Okay, now blow.

Seriously?

I wish that Paul and that
hoe both get Corona and die

screaming.

You're not supposed to
say your wish out loud.

But, the wish
can still come true.

Presents.

Present.

Read the card.

To Donna, the coolest,
funniest, wildest,

most adventurous girl we know.

What is this?

It's a candle.

It's just like the
one that I have.

You always liked
the way it smelled.

I was being polite.

This candle is like being beaten
with a piece of sandalwood and

then smuggled to
death with magnolias.

Gardenias.

Whatever.

Great, so instead of an
obscenely large engagement ring

and a lifetime of earth
shattering sex I get a candle.

I'm going to die alone with
an oily T-zone in a pandemic.

No, no honey, no.

That is not going to happen
we are not going to let that

happen.

No, no, you know
that's not true.

That's just think in.

Everybody stop.

Now, you listen to me, of course
you're going to meet someone and

is going to be more of a man
than that jerk Paul ever was

because when you least expect
it, that's when it happens.

Trust me.

Now I know what will
really cheer you up.

Cake.

Yay.

Oh, wait.

Wow, this sky is
so clear tonight.

Maybe that's why all
this is happening, you know,

so mother nature could take
a deep long breath without us

humans screwing it
up like we always do.

What if COVID is the
Earth's immune system,

and we are the virus.

Woah, so how
long do you think?

This could just be
how things are forever.

Well, that would suck.

I thought that you liked
lockdown, he said it was cozy.

I do, it is.

Don't get me wrong, I'm grateful
that I've got food, Wi-Fi,

and a roof over my head.

It's just, you know, I
want to have a little more.

And I am officially too drunk
to be having this conversation.

What conversation?

This conversation.

Yes.

I know.

It's just, you are like the
coolest girl that I've ever met.

You know?

You are funny.

You are sexy.

You know, I think about my
ex-girlfriend and she used to

line me up against
this checklist.

It just got in the way of
both of us being who we are.

You made it clear from the
very beginning that you liked

who I was.

Who I really was.

And that's awesome.

If I would've met you in real
life I probably wouldn't have

given you a chance I would've
missed out on a really great

guy.

I'm sorry for that.

Apology unnecessary
and accepted.

I mean, plus, you have a
beautiful home which obviously

cost you a fortune.

So.

What if I didn't
have this home?

And I was a struggling
writer or something?

Would that matter?

The truth?

Of course.

You know, you know how in movies
the girl is always thrilled to

get engagement ring out
of a vending machine.

Well, in real life,
she would be horrified.

So it's not the
thought that counts?

I mean it is.

But, not in real life.

You could have like three
heads and I would still be

in lo-ike with you.

I lo-ike you too.

I think about
holding your hand.

I mean you know, no
gloves, or anything.

Just your warm hand against
mine as we walk and talk.

Okay, full disclosure, thinking
about more than holding your

hand.

Really?

Yes.

Well, why don't we take this
conversation somewhere a little

bit more comfortable?

Really?

Very really.

Oh, Brandon.

What happened, did
you get disconnected?

Oh my God, I was so close.

Excuse me?

So close to what?

I'm guessing
that it's not Jesus.

What you doing here?

Hi, Brandon,
what are you up to?

Just, you know,
just hanging out.

Yeah, literally.

Miles.

I can't see anything
I was just kidding.

I guarantee he really tried.

Are you two snacking while
you are watching us have sex?

I'm so sorry about
this, Brandon.

Of always wanted a foursome
I'm pretty sure that this

counts.

Oh my God.

Goodbye.

Ugh could that have been
any unsexier.

Well, I could've
always loop in my Nana.

I am so sorry.

I can't even believe that.

You do not have to
apologize to me, Vanessa.

So, I mean, we were
close, shall we, you know?

Yes.

I mean, look, this was great.

Really great.

Really hot.

But it wasn't real.

You know.

I want the first time
with you to be real.

I can wait for that.

Okay.

Me too.

Of course, if this goes on
for more than a year we can

circle back.

Obviously.

What if we had a sleepover?

That sounds dangerous.

No, not like a real one.

Just like this.

If we left our
computers on all night.

Oh, yes.

Good night, Brandon
I lo-ike you.

I lo-ike you too.

Here you go.

Let's cover him up.

So, what's on
the agenda today?

I've gotta go to work.

Oh, are you okay?

Did I do something?

Is it my breath?

I saw her, Brandon.

Her, who?

The gorgeous woman that
you obviously live with.

Who you share Steve with.

Oh, no, no, I
don't live with her.

Live with, sleep
with, it doesn't matter,

whatever you want to call it.

She always has
keys to your place.

Well, yes she has a key,
because it's her - it's

complicated.

Doesn't seem very
complicated to me.

I'm glad we cleared it up.

Can you guys help me?

I'm looking for a part that is
mostly red with a little out

part that has white on it.

The in part is mostly here.

What are you
doing over there?

Donna, seriously?

Well, what do you call the
little in part and the sticky

out part?

I don't because puzzles
are for the children and the

elderly.

If I wanted to lose something
for a couple of hours I would

just put my tablet pen down.

They are called
tabs and slots.

The pieces of a puzzle.

I had to do a blog
post on it a while ago.

Oh, was it for, "Oh my
God nobody cares magazine?"

We are out of alpaca.

I said use llama.

You're kidding me, right?

Okay, this is my CEO
time I'm not to be bothered.

Are you okay, V?

Okay, what if you had never
tried mushrooms because you just

knew that you wouldn't like it?

So you spend your entire adult
life making sure that people

know that you don't want
mushrooms even go as far as to

lies about being allergic to
mushroom so you don't have to

deal people tell you, just tried
and they are delicious because

you know, deep down, that you
will never ever like mushrooms?

But then, one day, someone comes
along and offers you $1 million

if you eat a mushroom.

So, you do it.

It's actually really good.

And then, they tell you that
they aren't going to give you a

penny, they just and what you to
go the rest of your life without

ever giving mushrooms a chance.

What you do?

I mean, sure, he
like mushrooms now,

but you would've never eaten
them if they hadn't lied to you

about the money.

So now, you try another
mushroom and it tastes terrible.

I'm so confused.

Is this about global warming?

Is earth the mushroom?

No, Corona is the mushroom.

Hey, Brandon is on.

Hold on, wait.

Where are you?

Why is there a bunkbed?

Because this is my place.

My real place.

What you talking about?

Remember when I asked you how
you felt if I was a struggling

writer?

Well, ta-da.

So, you broke into someone's
mansion and pretended that it

was yours?

No, I didn't break
into anyone's mansion.

Look, I make money by walking
dogs for people and one of my

clients was stuck overseas
because of corona.

So, I was watching
her house and Steve sitting.

That's the lady that you saw
she got back this morning.

And, this is my fancy
gourmet kitchen.

I'm actually a pretty good cook.

I didn't lie about that.

In fact, my roommate say I make
the best croque mosier they've

ever had.

You have roommates?

Yes, I have roommates.

But, the room is all mine.

Plus, I have the top
and bottom bunks.

That's fancy.

Look, I never set out
to lie to you, Vanessa.

I just didn't correct you when
you thought that the house was

mine.

You did a hell of a lot
more than just not correct me.

What else are you
lying about, Brandon?

My name is not Brandon.

It is Daniel Brandon Donaldson.

So let me get this straight,
you made a fake profile with a

fake name, and old pictures of
yourself and then you pretended

you had a real
job and a mansion?

Why?

You know why.

No, actually, I don't.

Because we both know that a
guy like me without money may as

well not even exist okay,
because in this world,

it is the successful
people who make the rules.

You know, I really don't
think you should be lecturing

anyone on ethics
right now, okay?

You are the bad guy here.

I'm not the bad guy I'm the
same guy that I was yesterday,

who you are laughing with.

That guy is real.

This stuff, that is fake.

I'm a good guy.

I'm just not good
enough for you.

Are you okay, V?

Yes, I'll be fine.

Are you sure, because I
wouldn't want you to feel like

the worst person in the world.

That would be rough.

Excuse me?

You just evaporated the
heart of a great guy over some

superficial garbage
that doesn't matter.

Donna, he lied to me.

Stop acting like
that's what this is about.

You know what, okay.

Fine, I need to be with
someone successful, powerful.

I'm never going to fall in love
with Brandon or Daniel whatever

his name is.

You are already
in love with him,

I've known you
since you were 12.

I've seen every relationship
that you've been in and I've

never seen you anywhere
close to this happy before.

Yeah, my mom and dad were
real happy to until she finally

figured out what a loser he was
and he was living off of her for

18 years.

Okay, so this guy has to
suffer just in case he turns out

to be like your loser dad?

Solid plan.

So, what you want me to do?

String him along until
I can't take it anymore,

and then break up with him?

This was the decent
thing to do, okay?

I'm protecting him.

No, the decent thing to do is
to not be such a shallow jerk.

But, hey, you do you.

Miles, miles, come on.

You know how hard I have worked
to find the like myself on the

inside and the outside.

I worked my ass off
to become this person.

And, I deserve someone who
is successful in every way.

I'm not going to wind up
with some loser like my mom.

The truth is, you could
have any guy you want.

So, if you want a hot guy with
money, just go after that.

You've done it a
thousand times before.

Oh, hey, namaste.

What you think?

Do you like what you see?

Oh, is that a stripper pole?

This?

Yes.

This baby is top-of-the-line.

Only the best for my guests.

Didn't even realize
there were different kinds.

Yeah, it is cool, right?

Is that a dog?

What?

No, bro, this is bruno
cuscinetti cashmere.

No, I hate dogs especially
the little yappy ones.

Yes, I love cooking but med
school keeps me busy that I

hardly have time for it anymore.

Yeah, of course.

It's so strange, though, I
swear I recognize your voice.

Maybe in your dreams?

No, that's not it.

Wait a minute.

Are you my delivery guy?

Wait.

Are you Vanessa MacConnell?

Oh my God, yes, oh my gosh,
I knew that I recognize your

voice.

I had just never seen
you without the mask.

This is an insane coincidence.

I am not your drug mule.

Hey there, stranger.

Glad to see you are alive.

Yeah, you too.

No, I never got to
thank you for that night.

It was fun.

Yes, it sure was.

Maybe we should
have some fun again?

Right now?

Why not?

I'm just lying here.

What are you wearing?

Just the shirt.

Come on, babe, what
else are you wearing?

Show me.

You know, I'm actually just
wearing some old sweatpants.

I thought this was going to
be a waste up kind of call.

Well, I'm feeling a little
underdressed at the moment.

I'm just in my underwear.

Yes, there they are.

Where are you, seriously?

We are at the hospital.

Call me back.

They said that she had an
allergic reaction to one of

those facial masks she made.

I kept calling and calling
she wouldn't pick up.

I went over there, thank God I
did because she was unconscious

when we found her.

We?

I kept trying to call you but
I couldn't get in touch so I was

face timing with Daniel.

With Daniel?

Yes, he called me because he
had an idea for a new ad for one

of my products.

He always calls me
on stuff like that.

He does?

Yes, he was there
in five minutes.

We tried calling the ambulance,
we called 911 but everybody is

overwhelmed because of
the flu, the holidays,

and COVID and they said that it
may take 20 minutes.

Daniel picks her up and carried
her down three flights of

stairs, got her into the cab and
kept me calm while I was giving

the hospital her admission info.

I was a mess.

Wait, he's here right now?

Yes, he went to the bathroom
right after I called you.

It was 30 minutes ago.

Hi.

How is she?

She will survive.

Thanks to you.

I just did what any
other person would do.

No.

No you didn't.

You never do.

Other people just scroll past
their friends fundraisers but

you donate to
every single one,

even when you can't afford it.

You send people silly cat
videos when they are up at 3 AM.

You treat every dog that you
walk like it was your own.

I read every yelp review,
every Instagram post -

Did you happen to pull my
credit report because those

things cost like 20 bucks?

No.

But I did read your blog.

All 175 posts.

You are a great writer.

Well, blog writing
isn't real writing.

Hell it isn't.

Apparently every major
literary agent in town would

disagree with you.

Well, then we don't stop
until we find one with some damn

taste.

We?

I have wasted my entire life
searching for things that I

thought were deal
breakers in a soulmate.

And, it turns out, you are the
most successful man I've ever

met.

So, can we start over?

For real this time.

Okay.

This is my face.

My actual face.

No makeup, filters, no making
sure that the light is right no

angle from above to make sure
that it thins out my double

chin.

You see this, spanx, I used
to wear these everyday.

Because of my thought that I
didn't I would look like one of

those bold stopped 50s roasts
that those housewives used to

make.

This is a fish tank that I had
for a fish that died years ago.

What's his name?

Fish.

His name was fish.

Take-out boxes pair
because, I can't cook.

I would burn a bowl of cereal.

Full calorie Coke.

There's no Diet Coke here.

There is no diet anything.

Also, did I just recycle it or
thrown in the trash because I'm

lazy and I'm selfish.

And I only think of myself.

And I'm so sorry that
I hurt you, Danny.

I don't lo-ike you, I love you.

I'm in love with you.

The end of quarantine means
that extended family members can

finally leave the bubble and
return to their own homes.

They can go back to being the
people we speak to on the phone

every few weeks or so.

Allowing their adult children to
resume making their own choices

without mom wiping
their bum for them.

It's been a long three years.

It has only been one year.

Has it?

What is this all about?

I could tell you but I
would have to kill you first.

And you are one of
my best customers.

Here.

I don't -

Vanessa, 12 months ago
the world just stopped.

And all of these things that we
thought we needed suddenly were

gone.

This year we had to
figure out how to survive.

And, the only way to
do that was to grow.

Together.

Will you go into
lockdown with me?

Forever?

Yes.

Yes, of course.

Absolutely.

Oh my God, you guys.

It's beautiful.

That is the most romantic
thing I've ever seen.

I know.

If you ever do that, they
will never find your body.

Vanessa, I'm
so happy for you.

I think I'm going to cry.

These are so cute.

We just stopped
them at the store.

To the end of quarantine.

To the end of quarantine.

To the end of quarantine.

And the beginning of us.

I lo-ike you, I like you.

Once upon a time,
a girl met a guy,

she kind of had a crush
on him and wanted to hide.

Once upon a time,
a guy met a girl,

and took her to a dance
and gave her a world.

He brought her flowers
the very next day.

Turns out she had the courage
to say, I know I like you,

I know I do.

I like you.

No matter what you
put me through.

Six months later he
got down on one knee,

we ran away to
Vegas tied the knot.

12 months later, a baby was due.

He kind of had a panic,
didn't know what to do.

I knew the way to make him
okay, all I needed to say,

I loo-ike you.

I know I do.

l Io-ike you.

Together we will
make it through.

Woah woah woah woah.

Now we are old and turning
gray, we still say it every day.

I lo-ike you, I know I do.

No matter what you
put me through.

I lo-ike you.

I know I do.
I lo-ike you.

I guess he kind of likes me too.