Joyride (2022) - full transcript

Woo!

Woo!

I caught you!

Thanks, folks, for donating
to our hospice fundraiser.

We've made a pile of
money tonight.

Fair play to ya.

Go on, do it for Mam.

Hey, folks, here's a story about
Minnie the Moocher.

She was a lowdown
hoochie coocher.

She was the roughest,
toughest frail.

But Minnie had a heart
as big as a whale.



Hidee hidee hidee hi.

Hidee hidee hidee hi.

Hode hode hode ho.

Hode hode hode ho.

Hee dee hee dee hee dee hee.

Hee dee hee dee hee dee hee.

A hidee hidee hidee ho.

A hidee hidee hidee ho.

He gave her his
townhouse and his racing horses.

Each meal she ate
was a dozen courses.

She had a million dollars
worth of nickels and dimes.

She sat around and counted them
a million times.

Hidee hidee hidee hi.

Hidee hidee hidee hi.



Hode hode hode ho.

Hode hode hode ho.

Hee dee hee dee hee dee hee.

Hee dee hee dee hee dee hee.

A hidee hidee hidee ho.

A hidee hidee hidee ho.

A poor, poor Min.

A poor, poor Min.

A poor, poor Min.

A poor, poor Min.

Poor Min!

Dad, stop!

Put it back!

That money is for Ma.

Exactly.

What's for her, is for us.

She'd want us to have it.

You, me, your sister, the baby.

Not cheap having a new one
in the house.

Here.

Mully!

Mully!

Watch out, Sideline Sue!

Get back here!

Mully!

Mully!

I need that money!

Mully!

Oh... Oi, kid... Shit!

Come here!

That's my taxi!

What about your suitcase?!

Mully!

What the fuck?!

What the...

Erm... Er, no, no, no.

No, no, no, no!

Erm... er...

Fuckin' hell.

Oh, gotta dump this car.

Mully, you need to
come back now.

You're doing your mam
no favours.

She's after pulling a small
miracle for us.

Because that fella,
Paddy the taxi driver,

he thinks your one
stole the taxi.

So, there's no shades
involved...

...yet.

Come on, Mully.

Imelda and the baby'll miss ya.

Ah...

"Quanto es?"

Where are we?!

The Wheeler Dealer's field.

Who are you?!

We do not want the
Wheeler Dealer out.

What is going on?

What the fuck is going on?!

I didn't know yous were here
when I nabbed the motor.

Oh God!

Oh, this is all I need!

I haven't even left Lisbert yet.

Oh.

Oh God!

Uh!

I don't know what
the fuck you're on.

Uh!

It's okay.

Windies is it?

Yeah, it's okay.

It's okay.

Shhh.

It's okay.

It's okay.

Shhh...

SNIFFS

- Fresh outta the box?
- Urgh!

What is she, a week old?

I'll just take yous back
into town to get another taxi.

No! I'm going forward, not back.

Forward. I've a plane to catch
to Lanzarote at noon.

Uh...

And I've gotta get to
Droleen first.

I think she's hungry.

You wouldn't just throw her on
the bap, no?

Ugh!

Our Jess is mad for it.

You've a baby?

No.

She's my niece, but her dad's
kind of a no show,

so I'm basically her da.

That's handy.
You can share nappies.

Right where I left you.

Oh, shit.

Shut up ya flea sack!

What the fuck? You mentalist!

Right, you're gonna come with me
to look after the baby there

then you can do whatever
you want with the car.

It'll only take a couple
of hours... and in return-

And I can persuade the taxi
driver not to press charges.

You know, there's no crime if
nobody presses charges, right?

That's a proper legal thing.

I'm a solicitor, I know!

You need to shut that baby up,

'cause if the dealer comes out,
we're done.

He took someone's eye out with a
gear stick!

He was one of mine. He told me it
was an accident up the Pitch 'N Putt.

Anyways, you need to shut that
baby up.

You need to agree
this is a good plan for you.

This shit plan it is unless you
want a beating from that fella there

or me to press
charges about kidnapping!

We need to keep her quiet.

Shit!

I'm driving.

I know the back roads.

Where's your Mama gone?

Where's your Mama gone?

Little baby Don,

Little baby Don.

Where's your Mama gone?

Far, far away.

Last night I heard my Mama
singing a song,

Oooh-ee, chirpy chirpy
cheep cheep.

Woke up this morning
and my Mama was gone,

Oooh-ee, chirpy chirpy
cheep cheep.

Chirpy chirpy cheep
cheep, chirp.

No, seriously?

It's my car.

How is she there?
Is she too warm?

Hey, Vodka Tonic,
is she too warm?

She's fine.

Just feel the back of her neck
there. That's how you know.

Well, how do you know
if you won't check?

'Cause she's after giving me
a little thumbs up.

How do you know
I drink vodka tonic?

'Cause I work in The Hound.

I thought you knew that.

Jesus, you are mental!

I could be a complete killer.

I do know you now.

I've seen you sing in The Hound.

That stupid song.

Here folks, here's the story
about Minnie the Moocher.

She was a lowdown
hoochie coocher.

She was the roughest
toughest frail.

But Minnie had a heart
as big as a whale.

Hidee hidee hidee hi...

Hode hode hode ho.

I hate that song.

Oh, not as much as I do.

So, Vodka Tonic,
where you off to?

What's with the ball of money
rammed down your jocks?

Her lungs are the size of
two walnuts like.

What's the baby's name?

Petrol! I just realised!

- What's the baby's name?
- Watch the road!

- Oh!
- Agh!

Reverse over it. Quick!

It's a kindness. Quick!

No way!

It's in no pain now.

Breathe. Good deep breaths.

Hey, you know,
we did the right thing.

Seriously, it's actually illegal
to swerve to avoid an animal.

You're a dose, you are.

A fox-killing dose of mental!

Do you know what, I can't be
arsed to fight with you.

I wanna go to my aunt's.

Well, I'm going forward,
not back.

You can get out
whenever you want.

But it's my car!

And it'll be
all yours in Droleen.

Droleen is miles away!

Would you not just
feed her yourself?

Da says it like Dairymaster
up in our place.

You know, with my sister Imelda
trying to feed baby Jess and...

me helping the pups to latch.

You gotta make sure the weak
ones get the back tits.

I was trying to feed one
with a bottle, sure.

Have you seen
the video online where

a man's trying to feed
20 baby goats?

They have long white ears
like socks

sticking out of the sides
of their heads.

Oh, it's really funny.

No, no, no, you're kidding.

Is this a fucking joke?!

Argh!

We need to get petrol.
I've gotta get to Droleen.

There's a place about
five miles from here.

Me and Ma used to
drive around here.

She used to let me drive when we
went on the back roads.

- You stay here with the baby.
- We'll all go.

We're not taking her out in
the cold, you mentalist!

You're right, body heat.

Hey, little baba.

Where the fuck are we?

I'll tell you what, we'll play
question for question.

Alight?

Two rules.

You get one pass.

But you have to tell the truth.

Ya chicken.

- Come on!
- Go on, so...

Promise to tell the truth?

- Say it.
- I promise.

Alright, I'll go first.

What the fuck is in Droleen?

Two pubs, a post office and a
statue of a man

with a stick up a wren's arse.

Oh, fair play to ya.

And you bet into your
solicitor's head.

My question.

Is your dad James?

Yeah.

My turn.

Why are you going to Droleen?

Is the money stol...
I'll rephrase that.

Did you steal the money?

No, but...

- kind of.
- 'Kind of' doesn't cut it.

Look, I stole it from someone
who stole it in the first place.

Why are you going to visit them?

To give them something.

- From where or whom...
- Hang on.

That's two questions.
I'll answer the first one.

From The Hound.
Well, the Hospice, really.

What are you gonna give them?

Pass.
From the Rita Mulligan night?

No, you don't
get a pass on that one.

Are you giving them the baby?

Yes.
Do you want to give it back?

- What do you mean you're...
- Answer my question.

I caught my dad stealing the
money so I grabbed it off him.

'Cause I don't want to be
stealing from cancer.

...that's like
stealing from Ma.

Why are you giving them
the baby?

I don't want kids and Mags does.

Nah, you're panicking now.

I'm not panicking.
I'm totally prepared.

It's all arranged legally
and it's final.

You can't just give her away.
What about the dad?

You sound like you need yours
like a hole in the head.

- Likewise.
- The dad should know.

Even I know that.

You have to tell him.

Well, not if I don't know
who he is.

Not a clue.

Look, I didn't think
it could still happen.

Nobody, nobody gives away babies
these days.

Except for that guy, obviously.

People give babies
away all the time!

To child traffickers,
to Chinese gymnastic academies.

I'm giving mine
to a loving home, stone me.

You're being an arsehole now.

More women should take my lead

instead of dragging up
kids they never wanted.

They should be selfless enough
to give them

to women who
eat, sleep and dream babies.

There's enough
of them out there.

I've known Mags my whole life.

There's no better woman
for the job.

People have been staring at me
through their mouths

for the last four months.

You're mental you are.
Totally fuckin' mental.

No, I'm practical
and solution orientated.

Even my mother
wouldn't argue on that front.

Well, what does she have to
say about this?

Not much she can say
from a coffin.

She always said it was better for
everyone that I never wanted kids.

When did she die?

Nine months ago.

Yeah, the circle of life.

Will you get me cigarettes
and painkillers?

No, I need two hands
to fill the petrol can.

- I'll do that.
- No, I will!

Oh...

But I wanna give it back.
Dad!

Painkillers.

Ma wouldn't have wanted this.

Gifted is what it is, Mully.

JAMEDo you know where I am?

I'm at the kitchen table.

Ah, I can smell the perfume
off her jacket.

This was her favourite place
in the world.

That money is for her.

It's what'll keep us
here together.

If I don't sort what I owe,
I'm gone.

Huh?

If I'm gone, you're gone.

I don't wanna lose you, bud.

Huh?

So, we're gonna lose
the mentalist, right?

Did she er...

Did she see the money?

You're not far
from the ferry terminal.

Huh? Tell her.

Convince her.

I don't give a shit,
just get there.

I'll come get you from there.

Right?

Who has ya Mully?

Who has ya?

You do.

- Oh, there he is.
- Fuck.

Where's our money?

Just get there!

Right, so, me and Red Hurley

come up with this way back
when we were in the Nevada.

Nice fella, if you
like 'em nice.

He kept his head down and
the wheels on the road.

I got lost in a decade long
snowstorm if you catch my drift.

Sure, I'll just let you listen.

Just to prepare ya, I'm after
putting a few tweaks on it.

And my nephew threw
some beats over it.

Phat ones.

P H A T.

It's a new direction for me.

Jesus,

I'm nervous now.

I'm wondering, should
I play you the original

so you see where
I'm coming from?

Publish and be damned,
as the man says.

When we met in Ask eat on,

my heart got a beatin'

at the car boot sale.

I kept on your trail.

We passed those two days in a
love fuel led haze,

then I asked you to love me
and I got the third degree.

What's going on.

Are your eyes painted on?

Can't you see that I love ya?

Love is blind but you
my sweet are not...

P H A T!

You got it, kid.

Ah, deadly.

“Are your eyes painted on?
Can't you see that I love ya?”

LAUGHS I think they're my new
favourite lyrics.

I have to meet my dad
at the ferry.

What about your aunt?

Change of plan.

Whatever, but the ferry's a
detour we're not taking.

We're going straight to Droleen
as the crow flies

- You're kidnapping me?
- Ah Jesus Christ, the drama.

Turn around or I'll chuck this
out the window.

Get out and get that!

Only if you take me
to the ferry.

Little fucker,
get out of the car!

Get out of the car!

I'm sorry.

Hold that.

Hmm...

We're still not going
to the ferry.

I'm not missing that plane.

Check out the stray eyes on you.

No, your...

It happens to Imelda
all the time.

You must have been
feeding her yourself

if your milk's coming in.

They squirm up your body,
the nurse said,

the second they're born,
looking for tit.

Well, she didn't squirm up mine.

Well, something started
the pump going.

You must have...

Wait, did you pump?

- With the yellow yoke...
- Shut up!

Just shut up for a minute,
will ya?

Christ, I need to pee again.

Pass me the nappy bag.

Ah shit!
I need a wipe!

They're on the passenger seat.

I need a wipe!

Oh!

Ah.

What's the baby's name?

Come on, she has to have a name.

Robin.

Thought I might find you
in the driver's seat.

My name's Joy.

I know, false advertising.

Not the bringer of joy
apparently.

I didn't say that.

God bless online check in.

Are you really just
gonna give her up, like really?

Look, I know you think
I'm a witch,

but the baby's
getting a good deal.

Shit!

Crash maybe?

Will you run up and see?

Shit!

It's a checkpoint.

Fuck!

And us in a stolen car.

Droleen's just the other side.

There is none.
That's why they put it here.

Let's just go home.
You can get

I can't. I'm not going back,
I'm going forward.

I've a plane to catch.

Okay look, I've got this,
but you have to trust me.

Can I not just stay in the back
and be your son like?

This crew up here are
looking to bring something in.

And whether it's fair or not,
they don't like heads like yours.

Ah! This is mental.

Seriously, I can convince
anyone of anything.

I'm fucking one of
the smartest people I know

and I would not propose this
if I didn't think it was viable.

I have this,
you just have to trust me.

I've got nothing with me,
not even me handbag.

I've left me face at the bottom
of me wash bag

and, honest to goodness,
when I got the call from me mam

I just grabbed this banger.
It's me son's.

And my husband's away with
the car, the good one.

But me mam's just a mile down
the road there.

But the last time she fell she
was on the ground for two hours.

- Go on so.
- Ah.

Don't make a habit of it.

No.

You might just pop the boot
there for a minute.

A massive spider ran
down my body, bit my ankle!

I'll bite your ankle!

In the dark, Joy!

- Hairy legs on my skin.
- Ah get in, quick.

You had one job!

It could've been poisonous.

Hid in a banana truck
or something.

Shut up!

Right, we'll have
to go the ferry route after all.

I'll drop you off.

We'll need new wheels.

You know, we could swap a car so
we're not really stealing.

This is worse than the Honda.

They may not report us if
they're getting an upgrade.

I can take the ferry
over to Droleen

and still get to my
friend's in plenty of time.

- Shit!
- You can wait for another.

You're not gonna make
your plane anyway.

I might.

If I drive round the estuary,
I can come in from there.

I'll use
the facilities first, though.

Stay here with the baby for a
minute then you can wait for your dad.

Fucker!

Have you seen a young fella?

Mully, come on out.

Just wait till my da comes.

- What?
- Just wait till my da comes!

No, I can't!

Come on, Joy!

Let him know you
won't say nothing

if he gives the money back.

Let him know you're
watching him, like.

Or, or... you're watching me!

I can't wait, Mully.

Look, come on out and I'll swap
you a burger for the key.

You told me to shut up earlier,
so I'm shutting up.

Mully!

Ugh!

Gimme the car keys, Mully,
and I'll come and find you

when I'm back from Lanzarote.
How about that?

What is it, four grand?
I have that, easy!

Give me the keys and I'll write
an IOU, I promise.

And I never break
my promises ever! Ask anyone.

Hidee hidee hidee hi.

“Home-cut potato wedges covered
with our famous curry sauce

with a creamy side portion
of coleslaw.”

Here, Mully, give her
a last bottle, please.

Come on, Mully, I'll mind that
for you, it'll take you five minutes.

How about you start and I'll come
find you once I get these in my belly.

What mother leaves both of
her children go hungry?

And you can fuck off with your
pass remarkables.

Anyway, he's not my son.

He's the father.

She's only taking the piss,
by the way.

She doesn't even know
who the father is.

Do you need to feed her?

Nip in there,
get some privacy for yourself.

I'm heading off for a bit,
so just close the door after.

Okay.

Okay.

There's no more formula.

Why'd you have no more formula?

Because you burst the last one
with your Fast and Furious routine.

I had exactly enough for a
simple straight up trip,

not this coastal road
fiasco we're on.

Well, you won't get none here.

Joy, you're gonna have to feed
her yourself.

Joy...

Joy, just try it.

I have tried.
I was trying before.

Look, it's tricky at first.
Our Imelda...

Look, she
doesn't want me, Mully.

She won't even
take a bottle from me.

No, Joy, you just think that she
doesn't want you.

Right, chillax, okay?
Get them shoulders up.

You wanna wear her
right across you.

You don't want her dragging.

That's how the nurse
showed our Imelda.

You're doing great.

She's rooting.

Come on, Robin,
open your little beak.

Come on.

Yes, yes, yes, yes!

So, Imelda says you can feel it
coming from your back.

Can you feel that?

You did it.

You just baptised her there.

Come with me, Mully.

Let's still get on that ferry

and we'll figure out
how to give the money back.

What about my Da?

We'll figure that out too.

Do you promise?

I promise.

We're going forward, not back.

Ladies and gentlemen,

welcome on board
with Shannon Ferry.

Our trip will take approximately
20 minutes.

What about Robin?

She's sleeping. Not a peep.

The fella can see her
from his little perch.

It's my first time on a boat.

I can't really swim,
but I love the sea.

I hate water. I don't get
my hair wet as a rule.

I love just putting my head
under and hearing...

well, nothing like

Sometimes I hitch out
and sit on our beach.

The one with the pink cart thing
and the big beach sign.

I don't go to beaches.

That beach reminds me of Ma.

Only Da knows I go there,
and now you.

Here, the wind'll get you up
here.

The bloody super moon is wrecking
havoc with the tides.

Is the baby still asleep?

Yeah.

I'm not putting that on.
The cut of it.

Ah, go on, so...

Here...

Here, see if
you recognise this one.

You and I forever and ever.

No matter where you are,

you're my guiding star.

And from the very first moment
I saw you,

I've never felt such emotion.

I'm walking on air.
- Yes, you are.

- Just to know...
- Just to know...

You are there!

Hold me in your arms,
don't let me go.

I want to stay forever.

Closer each day,

Home and Away.

- YAY!
- That's it now.

- I have to pee.
- Check the baby!

You've a new baby in the house?

Same as ours.

You're a good
big brother, though.

Not like our wee fella.

He's very put out.

Thinks we'll only
half love him now.

I've tried to tell him there's
no fractions in play.

You can't half love a child.

Here, I have to get back to
me cage.

Keep the whistle.

Throw us in them jackets after.

They're not mine.

She was mooching a bit.

You know who she looks like
in that hat?

Sideline Sue.

She was an accountant.

Solicitor.

Imagine her all,
"Yes, Your Honour!"

She was actually
the best in Kerry.

Did my work experience
under her.

You know, my Ma
gave her that hat?

To cover her scar.

She told me an angel
gave her that hat.

Da says she's
dangerously honest.

Oh, there they are now.

The half orphan and the...

Ah, what does she call you?

Oh, Reckless Joy.

Hey, that could be
our band name.

Reckless Joy and
the Half Orphan.

Here...

He's about 13,
brown hair, skinny...

Are you his father
or her partner?

What?

That wagon should have taken
another ferry months ago.

Oh!

Fuck it!

How'd that little fella get all
the way out here?

You know, in our house,
robin is Ma.

And we're off. Thanks Rita.

I'm sorry about your mam.

I knew her a bit from The Hound.

And from school, we were
in the same year, you know.

She said she was in the bottom
class. Were you in the top?

Mm-hmm.

Jesus, she was so good looking.

Even the women teachers
would defer to her.

What do you mean?
Pick on her?

Oh no, the opposite,
be much nicer to her.

Look, you can see the outline
of her lips there.

She'd come in after work and
give me a kiss on the cheek.

And I'd wake up with a big
kiss mark on my cheek.

She loved my cheeks.

Hamster cheeks, she said.

'Cause I was so small.

I'm pleased someone gave you
a childhood, Mully.

I saw my mam putting on
lipstick once.

I was about seven years old.

In one of them caravans
up near Phelan's Pipe.

Didn't really want to
see my dad.

Well, well, I did and I didn't.

I just really wanted
to go swimming.

But me mam...

But then I looked
over the dune to see...

What do you see?

Do you know how lucky you are
to have had your Rita, Mully?

All that good stuff to pass on.

She'll have you.

One feed doesn't mean
I'm keeping her, Mully.

I don't know what I'm doing.

It's why I need to think about
it more at home.

- Oh...
- What?

What is it?

Can't believe I'm driving a
fuckin' stolen car

with a minor
and I ran a checkpoint.

I know.

You were on one, alright.
- Oh, my Christ, I'm mental.

I am, I'm mental!

I can claim postpartum
psychosis.

Oh, Jesus, I'm good!

I finally get to reap the
benefits of my own brilliance.

Ah.

Oh, shit!

- Shit.
- Leave it to me, Mully.

- Mulser.
- What happened to your nose?

Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh.

We're gonna lose
the mentalist now, right?

She's big enough,
she can go her own way.

Socks and jocks in the pocket.

Mully's coming with me.

He is in his fuck!

You're a piece of work,
aren't ya?

Forcing a child to drive you
up the country

so you can give your baby away?

You're forcing a child
to keep stolen charity money

that he wants to give back.

Well...

If there was stolen money,

I'll be sure to
make him give it back.

Isn't that right, Mully?

Isn't it, Mully?

Right, get in the car.

I'll volunteer a witness
statement about the stolen money.

Don't even try get your
solicitor routine on.

You've enough on your plate
with your own pup

without interfering with mine!

Back the fuck off!

Oh...

Can we say goodbye so
without you looming nearby?

Joy, you need to come with us.

You can't drive,
you'll kill the baby.

Da, a lift.
She's not feeling well.

Hey!

- You're headed for Droleen?
- No, she's changed her mind.

- She's coming with us.
- Mully, can you shut up for a minute!

Right, we'll agree, what went
on tour stays on tour.

On both sides, right?

I always keep my promises.

Wipe down the Mazda, Mully.

For fuck's sake, her lungs are
the size of two walnuts.

I need to get out!
Let me out!

Let me out!

Let me out!

Joy! Joy! Joy!

Tie this around your waist.
- But why?

Er, behind ya, there's er...
blood.

Oh, I need a shower.

It's okay, it's okay.

Deep breaths, deep breaths.

Good woman, good woman.
In and out.

- I need a shower.
- In and out.

It's okay, it's okay.

Deep breath.

It's okay.

- It's okay.
- I need a shower.

Joy, Joy, come here.

Why don't you
get a drag of that.

You'll be alright, huh?
Get a drag of that now.

We'll have you sorted.

I know a B&B up the road.
Huh?

We'll get you there, no problem.

I use it for me smoke runs.
That's it.

Good woman, you're doing great.

Don't you worry now, we'll have
you sorted in no time.

Only a wee bit up the road.

Oh, my little ball of butter.

And you must be young Paul,
still mad for cars I suppose.

- And Rita...
- I need a shower.

Of course.

I've put you in the family room.

The door's open.

But it'll be a bath 'cause the
shower head's gone.

I need that money.

Look...

those greyhounds have me
in real trouble.

Maybe Joy could help you.

Would you leave her off?

The saucy solicitor.

That poor little girl there.

- She hasn't any hope.
- Shush!

Right, this is the plan.

I'll take you back and you'll
say you got attacked

and lost the money to some wino
before I could get to ya.

And you only took the money
in the first place

cause you wanted to buy
that big buggy for Jess.

No, one'll be mad with ya.

And if someone does want to
press charges, which they won't,

but if they do,

you're a minor with no former.

It'll be nothing but
a slap on the wrists.

Huh?

Right, I'm gonna head down
to the local.

It's a wonderful,
peaceful time of day.

Okay.

She's not feeding, Mully,
will you help me?

You need to do it yourself.

Please, just one more time.

Alright.

Sit up there on the bed
and relax.

Right back against the headboard
and grab them pillows.

Try the other side.

- Hello?
- Mags?

Joy...

Joy, you've changed your mind.
I know it.

- I've been calling.
- I had the baby.

She came early,
I had her naturally.

What?! When?
We would have...

No. I didn't want anyone there.

Are you alright?

Is she?
- Yeah, she's feeding well.

Are you pumping the colostrum?
She needs that.

Oh Jesus, I forgot to bring
the pump down.

Actually, I'm feeding her
myself.

This could be
the making of you, Joy.

Mags, I haven't decided
anything yet.

Ok? I just need more time.
That's all I know now.

I'm sorry.

I'm all churned up.

Remember that day Mam
took me to Phelan's Pipe

and she saw Dad with that
young one in the pink bikini?

Yeah, that wet summer.

I didn't tell you all of it.

I think I'm only really after
remembering...

A lot of things
are coming up now.

You've been turned inside out.

On the way home I kept saying,

“I just wanted to
go swimming, Ma."

And eventually she turned
into this small beach somewhere

and I ran straight into the sea.

And I could see her
on the shore.

I think she was crying
and I was messing about,

splashing, playing.

And then a current got me and
I could feel the pull on me.

And, er...

my head kept going under and I
was shouting at her and waving.

And I could see her
looking out to me.

And then I saw her
look left right.

Mum!
Help!

Mum! Mum! Mum!

And I realise now
she was checking...

considering.

Oh, Joy.

And I kept shouting at her,
“Mam, Mam!”

I was coughing and then...

My head kept going under,
then I couldn't shout anymore

and I just went under.

Eventually she came and
dragged me out

and I coughed up
all over the wet sand.

She bought me an ice cream
on the way home.

She's gone now, Joy.
Gone.

Yeah, it doesn't feel like that.

Did you give her a name?

Robin.

Is she a pure beaut?

Yeah, she is, Mags.

Although sometimes I think
she looks like

Simon Mulvaney's dad
if he was a turtle.

Shhh...

Oh, Mags.

Listen, I've got to
go now, Mags.

Bear with me, okay?

Night, Joy.
I love you.

- Rita!
- Oh!

A little tipple?

No, thanks, Noreen.
I shouldn't, the baby.

Sure, this is practically milk!

I suppose it is.

Could I trouble you, do you have
the number of a taxi

I could use in the morning?

I wanna get away
on the road early.

Leave the two lads
there to sleep on.

Oh, I can do better than that.

You are as lovely as James
always said you were.

“Everybody loves Rita,”
he'd say.

It took a little time
to get where I wanted

It took a little time
to get free

It took a little time
to be honest

It took a little time to be me

To find courage

It's a feeling like no other

Let me tell you, yeah

Courage

The sweet belief of knowing
nothing comes for free

Listen, Mully,
come back with me now

We'll take the money straight
to The Hound.

I already gave it
back to my dad.

No, Mully, I have the money.
I found it last night.

But...

He'll go hulk, Joy.

He needs that money -
he's trying to keep us together.

He needs the money. He's not
thinking about what you need.

I see a lazy user dad who's
taken all the beautiful things

out of his son's life to line
his own pockets.

Rita wouldn't be happy
about that money,

and I think you know that.

And I think that's why
you stole it back

off him in the first place.

Without him, Joy,
I'd be in a home.

With him you'll be in St Pats
graduating to prison.

Don't kid yourself.

Listen, Mully,
I have parents in court with me

who would literally peel
their own skin off

if it meant could save their
baby from a moment's hurt.

Parents should put their
children first.

- But you were going to...
- You've a right to a childhood.

You don't have to love your dad

just as I didn't have to
love my mum.

We're not obliged to love them.

He will keep using you
until you're spent.

You know, what the fuck
do you know anyway?

You were going to piss off
to Lanzarote.

At least my dad wants to
keep me.

But, you know,
you're right, Joy.

Robin here would be better off
without a saucy,

vodka-tonic fucking
mentalist for a ma!

No, Joy, I'm sorry.
I shouldn't have...

Well, at least I won't
inflict myself on her...

Joy, stop, just...
Help me give the money back so.

Yeah, I've seen better tits
on a greyhound!

Thank Christ!

We're gonna go after grub.

Noreen...

Here, quick.

Third drawer down.

Come on to fuck will ya?
Hurry up!

- See in there?
- Yeah.

Just skim a few notes
off the top.

That way she'll think
she's going mad

and hasn't been robbed.

C'mon, hurry the fuck...

Noreen, any chance
of them famous eggs?

Come on...

Joy!

Joy!

Joy!

Not like this!

Okay.

What the fuck?

What's going on?

Hey! What's going on?

Shaft's jammed!

Will you be long will ya?

I'll be done when I'm done.

Fuck's sake.

Mully! Mully!

Mully!

Do you have any seats on
any planes

going bloody anywhere?

There are still seats on
our daily flight to Lanzarote.

Will I book that for you?

If you coujust have
your credit card ready there.

Good
morning ladies and gentlemen,

Air Lingus flight 808
to Lanzarote

will shortly be
boarding at gate two.

Air Lingus flight Lanzarote
shortly boarding at gate two.

- I have to get off.
- I really need you to sit down.

I really need to get off.

Well, the doors are closed.

Oh, doors open,
that's what they do.

- The stairs is...
- The stairs is still there.

Look, I need to get off.
I've nothing but this bag.

It's as easy as
opening that door.

I've a right to get off
this plane.

Aye, you might have us on board,

but you'll never take
our freedom!

If you insist on getting off,

we'll have to change
all figures,

notify the boarding staff,

get a bus to bring you
off the runway,

employ ramp staff
to bring back the stairs.

You'll not only be causing
inconvenience to...

The stairs are still there.

Look, number one, you're
minus one in your figures

Two, I'll notify boarding
staff as I'm leaving.

Three, I'll pass
on the bus, thanks.

I could spit at the terminal
from here.

And four,
the stairs is still there!

The stairs is still there!

The stairs is still there!

The stairs is still there!

The stairs is still there!

The stairs is still there!

The stairs is still there!

After promises and laughter

After Saturday in song,

After Happy Ever After,

Went and crossed the Rubicon,

On misdemeanour days,

on those grass-is-greener days,

when the road starts calling me,

Just before I leave,

something tugs my sleeve,

tells me that I'm where
I need to be

It's the light
that's in your face,

It's the colours that you chase,

So bring on stormy weather,

this show will run forever,

It's the laughter in your eyes,

It's the whisper of surprise,

Gonna see me through...

Hi, Ma.

Keeps me coming back to you.

Keeps me coming back to you

That's it for
another year, lads.

Two pints each on me.

No spirits!

No spirits?

NO! NO! No! Oh my God!

Come on!

I don't wanna go this way.
I need to go that way!

I need a mechanic.

I need a mechanic or a car.

I've got money.
I... urgh!

Ah, fuck off!

Where were you going?

Lisbert.

Where's your baby?

You know, he tore off in an ice
cream van earlier.

He tried my Mini first, like.

- Was he alone?
- Yeah.

I need to get to him before
someone else.

Where's your Mini now?

Parked up by the butchers.
Why?

Can I rent it for the day?

No.

I can drive it though.

I've got my provisional but
I just need a responsible adult.

I'm a responsible adult!

The baby's in her new home.

- Huh?
- You asked earlier.

Oh.

Turn here.

I see you lost the young fella.

I didn't fucking lose him!

That mentalist friend of yours
kidnapped him.

I hope he's miles away.
Somewhere safe.

Come with me, Mully.

Why?

Are you gonna adopt me?

Are you gonna
take me to the sun?

- I'm not going to Lanzarote now.
- No, cos you're a user.

Just like my dad.

I might as well go with him,
'cause at least he's family.

I'm gonna help you make things
right with the charity money.

I can do that on my own.

What do you want
me to do, Mully? Tell me.

I want you to fuck off and
leave me alone.

Stop rubbing your leaky tits
up against my dad.

Stop promising things!

I can't fuck off, Mully,
and I won't.

Where's Robin?

With Mags.

My ma would have
peeled her skin off for me.

I know she would, Mully.

In a heartbeat.

Mully, get behind me.

Mully, get up.
Get behind me.

Here we go... Piss off!

Now, Mully,

here, who has ya?

Who has ya, huh?

You do.

Leave him alone!

- Da!
- Uh...

You want to play mam?

Stop! Da, stop!

You want to be Rita, huh?

You, you can't get rid of your
own blood quick enough!

But someone else's
is fuckin' fair game, huh?

- Dad, stop!
- Mully!

Do you know what they say about
you in The Hound?

- Giving it out in the cubicles.
- Argh!

Argh!

- Mully, you little...
- Get off me!

Leave me alone, the pair of ya!

Mully!

Mully!

Mully!

Muzzer!

Mully, come back out!

Mully, I'm sorry.
We'll give it back!

Come on, Mully.
We'll forget the whole thing.

Mully!

Fuck.

Mully!
Come back out, you can't swim!

Argh!

Oh!

Mully!

Mully!

Mully!

I'm coming, Mully.

It's okay, it's okay.

I've got you, Mully.

It'll come around,

even on the hardest day.

Maybe you will hear the sound,

of what your heart
is trying to say,

Just like a soft rain
coming down.

Oh... Mully!

It'll come around,
around, around...

It'll come around,
around, around...

Mully!

- Mulzer!
- I've got you Mully.

I know you feel as though
we've fallen out

But I'm right behind you,
JAMES SHOUTS: Mully!

So there'll be no doubt.

Mully, will you look at me!

It'll come around,

and you'll be
left to wonder why,

There ever had to be a cloud,

up there in the great blue sky,

Something you lost
and then you found.

It'll come around,
around, around...”

Yeah, it'll come around,
around, around...”

...around, around,
around, around...

...around...

She hasn't stopped crying
since you left.

She wants her mammy.

I don't know, Mags.

Joy, you can do this.

You had the best teacher
in the world.

My mam.

Just do everything
she didn't do.

I just have to love her, so...

Here they are now.

Reckless Joy
and the Half Orphan.

Hiya, Sue.

- There you go.
- Thanks.

You took a gallop
up the country?

Through a police checkpoint
in a stolen car.

But I've come to my senses now,
Your Honour.

I was suffering from...

Postpartum psychosis.

You're on it.

A little bird told me
you had a girl.

How're you feeling?

Ready to love the living shit
out of her.

And him.

Will you come up tomorrow,
meet your newest mentee.

See if she's up to scratch.

What's she crying about?

Oh, tears of joy.

I hope.
LAUGHS

That poor baby's been dragged
around the place willy-nilly.

Here, I erm...

I didn't mean what I said

about your tits
being like greyhounds.

You've great tits.

I know.

Simon Mulvaney said I
had better tits

than Rebekah Elmaloglou.

She was the hottie in Home and
Away when I was at school.

You had Home and Away back then?

Jesus, I didn't even think
you had TV.

And you bet into
your comedian pants.

You know you will adopt me.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

- Pretty cocksure of yourself.
- Mm-hmm.

I broke ya.
- Yeah.

These hamster cheeks broke ya.

- Mam used to let me drive.
- Yeah?

So, can I drive?

- Yeah.
- Deadly!

In three and a half years time.

You're suddenly
all responsible now?

Nah. Once a mentalist,
always a mentalist.