Joy of Sex (1984) - full transcript

[Leslie] "Today is the first day
of school.

Mom says senior year's magic'
cause that's the
year she met Dad.

I don't expect to meet
the man I'll marry or anything,

but it'd be nice to be swept
off my feet

and consumed by passion."

[alarm blaring]

♪ Some girls
Get all the action ♪

♪ They like to get around
They got a reputation ♪

♪ I'm on the outside ♪

♪ I hear the things they say ♪

♪ I don't wanna talk about it ♪



♪ I don't wanna hear about it ♪

♪ I just wanna find out
For myself ♪

♪ I want experience ♪

♪ My own experience ♪

♪ I want experience ♪

♪ My own experience ♪

♪ Most boys
Are telling stories ♪

♪ About the things they do
They want a reputation ♪

♪ Another notch
On their belts tonight ♪

♪ That's all they're living for
It's just a frustration ♪

♪ I don't wanna talk about it ♪

♪ I don't wanna hear about it ♪

♪ I just wanna find out
For myself ♪

♪ I want experience ♪



♪ My own experience ♪

[car horns honking]

[indistinct chatter]

-[girls squealing]
-[car horn honking]

[Coach Hindenberg]
Now don't be late
to your first class.

I won't.

Meet me here at three.

Hi!

[Leslie] Hey, Melanie!
How you doin'?

[Melanie]
I'm so nervous!

Listen, you gotta
get your own wheels, man.

You're not gonna snag any guys

if your dad drives you
to school every day.

That's all there is to it.

-[gasps]
-[brakes squeal]

[Melanie] Shit!
Shit, man!

-Asshole!
-Drive much?

[crowd laughing and jeering]

[birds squawking]

[Melanie]
This is our senior year, Les,

it's time to cultivate
a new image.

I was just reading that preppies
are out and yuppies,

Young Urban Professionals,
are in.

-Maybe we should go on the pill.
-Mm-hmm.

[Leslie] That's Douglas!
Douglas Duldorf.

[Melanie]
Les, there's Max!

[Leslie]
Oh, what a species!

[Max]
Oh, is that Hindenberg?

Check it out...

Mel, you don't even have--
I mean, did you remember
to take your vitamins?

Can you imagine having
to take the pill too?

[man] Here, don't forget
your retainer.

Thanks.

Bye, Daddy, you don't have
to pick me up tonight.

You want some bubble gum?

Oh, yeah, thanks.

[school bell ringing]

She made an appointment
with the gyno,

so I could get the pill.

At least your mom
talks about it,

mine just left a book
about the birds and the bees
on my bed.

[girls laughing]

She must be new.

I already hate her guts.

[Leslie] Yeah, there is
something strange
about that girl.

[girls laughing]

Girls! Girls, may I have
your attention please?

-[girl] Wow, you got it now!
-[all laughing]

-This is the male sex organ.
-[all giggling]

Gee, I thought it was
a snow cone.

-Shut up!
-[laughter continues]

Consider it the enemy!

[Max] Hey, man,
it's not like you're unique.

Lotta guys our age
haven't been laid.

Look, I gave her a couple
of these and she raped me,
right in the john, huh?

-That guy looks 14, Max.
-He was probably hallucinating.

Everybody's gettin' it but me.

[Max] She's gotta be new.
I couldn't have missed those.

[roaring] Alan!

[screaming]

So, did you get laid
this summer?

[boys laughing]

-Max! How do you fare, buddy?
-Good, good.

Hey, Max, who's the shadow?

Oh, this is Farouk. He's staying
at my place this semester.

No shit! All right!

Gimme five, man!

[strong accent] All right,
I give you five dollars.

No, no, no. "Give me five,"
that's a greeting.

Yeah, you see,
it's like this.

[chuckles] I get you now, Max.

Go on, give to me, five.

You, you give to me five.

[laughing]

Very funny to be here
in the United States.

[military drum rolls]

Hi.

You catch the new principal?

[Alan] I heard he used to run
a military school.

A jarhead.

Looks more like a potatohead
to me.

[Farouk laughs]

-Carp.
-Hey, Max, how's it goin'?

-Good, Carp.
-So, uh, you like America, huh?

Your run-of-the-mill
VD is curable.

Herpes comes
with a lifetime guarantee!

So just remember this.

You can eat
all the apples you like,

but sooner or later
you're gonna bite the worm!

Virginity has its advantages.

Not for me. This is my last year
as a celibate.

I haven't forgotten
what it's like...

to be young and horny.

Just don't forget those aren't
squirt guns you're packin',

and you're not shootin' blanks!

It only takes one shot
to ruin your lives.

Not to mention the girl's.

If anyone ever did that
to one of my girls, I'd...

I'd have his balls for lunch.

-[rings bell]
-Attention.

-[indistinct chatter]
-[teacher] Attention, please!

Attention, the bell has rung.

[chatter subsides]

This semester we'll be
studying animal reproduction.

We will start with single cell
organisms and we will progress
through the animal kingdom

focusing on the reproductive
cycles of spirogyra, flatworms,

-squids, cats and man.
-[Alan] Maybe an older woman.

I'm sure you'll all share
my breathless excitement

as we strip away the mysteries

surrounding the biological
process of reproduction.

May I tell you, class,
that in your enjoyment
of this class,

you will be limited
only by your imagination.

-I sincerely believe...
-Hi, I'm Liz...

-[teacher] ...that in order
to know biology...
-Simpson.

-[teacher] ...one must
do biology.
-What class is that for?

[teacher] Let's embark
on this adventure.

Let us begin our first
laboratory experiment.

Uh, it's just sort of something
I picked up.

Looks like it might be good.

Stephanie Graham
and Mil Table, station one.

Jackie Freeman
and John Bergdahl, station two.

Alan Holt and Leslie Hindenberg,
station three.

[Alan] Ah, beg me for more,
you brazen wench.

[teacher] Alan?

Alan Holt?

Yes, Alan Holt,
you're at lab station three

with Leslie Hindenberg,
thank you.

-Hi.
-Hi.

I'm sure you're all share
my awe at the way a single cell

can reproduce and reproduce,
again and again.

-Like the Osmond family.
-[Alan laughs]

Even the most innocuous
looking substances can be...

well, they can be teeming
with fertile microorganisms.

I will now come around
to every couple

and give you your very
own bread molds.

[class groaning and laughing]

[girl] Hey, it's lunch time!

[boy] Got any peanut butter mold
to go with this?

[indistinct chatter]

[boy] Uh, salami mold,
some lettuce mold?

-[Carp choking]
-[laughs]

[whispering]
Look who's comin'.

Alan, will you light
my Bunsen burner?

I don't think I can
handle it alone.

[mocking] "Alan, would you
light my Bunsen burner?"

-[class screaming]
-[metal clattering]

-[teacher whimpers]
-[body thudding]

Three times a dollar fifty
is four-fifty, right?

-Mm-hmm.
-Think they'll stay out later?

Jenny, did you put
that in the washer?

It's my bra!
She snitched my bra!

-It fits.
-You wish.

Take it off, Jenny.

You'll get a training bra
when you're thirteen.

I'm the only one in PE
who still wears an undershirt.

I didn't get a bra
till I was fourteen.

Nobody escorted me
on my first babysitting job.

But your father drove
by the house every hour.

Only to make sure no boys
were hiding in the bushes.

If Dixie-D cup doesn't move it,
we're gonna be late! Jenny!!

You don't have to shout.

-[sports commentary on TV]
-Whoa, there!

What about dinner?

I'm on a diet.

Sounds like anorexia to me.

Does your pitiful existence
have to revolve

around bugging me, twit-brain?

Mom! She called me a twit-brain.

[sighs] There are better words
in the dictionary, Leslie.

What kind of people
are these Stonemans?

Who cares? We're spending
the evening with their infant.

I'll call you every hour or so,
make sure everything's A-OK!

-[Leslie] Bye!
-[Jenny] Bye!

[TV advertiser]
...because you never know

if you'll take a blow.

It's so quiet
when the girls are gone.

[TV advertiser] You'll get
that 24-hour protection
and comfort...

[snack packaging crunching]

[rock music playing inside bar]

[Alan] So, then she asked me
to light her Bunsen burner.

-Is that a good sign?
-Sounds hot to me.

What, are you waiting
for a formal invitation?

Maybe bio's her bad subject
or something.

My own brother,
a sexual retard.

All I think about
all day is sex.

That's a good sign.

I look at everybody and I think:
"They know what it's like."

I've got this huge black hole
in my life, you know?

No.

Why aren't girls as horny
as I am? It's just not fair.

[Dinko] What can I say?

Sex is a stacked deck
and women hold all the cards.

Better get used to it.

Dinko.

'Bout time I put this goddamn
machine out of its misery.

Bad attitude.

Good arm.

[Dinko]
Feelin' better, Sunshine?

I wish I was dead.

[Ranada] Well, Doctor Ranada's
got just your prescription.

Look, I just tossed
my cookies, okay?

I mean, enough is enough.
Really!

She's a slow starter,
but there's a tiger in her tank.

That guy wrote the book
on how to strike out.

Bet he's been laid though.

Your time will come,
think positive.

Now, what about
your bio partner?

Leslie Hindenberg's
my bio partner.

Coach Kong's daughter?

Hope she's not built
like her old man.

-Oh, no, she's a fox!
-Well, so, hit on her.

You're right.
I like your nose where it is.

These are supposed to be
the best years of my life.

[Melanie] Maybe if you went
blonde, or something.

We'd still be stuck
with the same geeky guys.

Wait a minute, Les,
I see a ray of hope.

God, the man of my dreams
is alive and well on KBBZ.

God, what a turn on.

[reporter]
...as he proved late last night

when he rolled his wheelchair
out of the VA hospital

and onto the San Diego
freeway on-ramp.

He's a little too "Ken doll"
for me.

I mean, there's no pain
or passion in his face.

He's too perfect.

Oh, I'm not above perfection.

Ted Vincent is my man.

You won't believe this,
she's got a vibrator.

[vibrator buzzing]

[Melanie]
Good work, Les, she's on a roll.

-What's it for?
-Curling your hair.

[Melanie] I wonder if Ted's
into electronics?

Earth to Les!

Listen, I gotta go.
The Gestapo's gonna be calling,

-checking up on me.
-OK, I'll catch you later.

Cancer?

[indistinct chatter]

It's no joke, Mel!

It looks exactly like
a classic melanoma.

Have you forgotten
your cold last spring?

You swore it was TB.

It was a severe case
of strep, Mel.

And, besides,
melanoma's different.

For starters,
it's almost always fatal.

I haven't seen
you in a long time.

How's your mother?

-She's fine.
-Good.

Now, let me check the, uh...
the area of the mole.

I'm only checking
for raised areas.

Doesn't look like
an ordinary mole does it?

Don't be an alarmist, Leslie.

I'm only checking
for coloration.

Oh...

Looks pretty dark
and sinister, huh?

Now, now, Leslie,
although you're fair-skinned

and prone
to the ill-fated melanoma...

-this is only lentigo.
-Huh?

Medical terminology
for harmless spots.

Prone to melanoma?

Leslie, you're a very healthy
young lady who worries too much.

You can get dressed now.

But if it would be reassuring,
you could come back in a month

and I'll check
your entire body. Bye.

[doctor] I told you not to buy
plants at gas stations.

[woman crying]
But she looked so healthy!

Maybe if I talk to her...

[doctor] Talking can't save her
now, Bernice.

[Bernice]
But she's not dead yet!

[doctor]
It's only a matter of time.

Granted, she's got
a great pair of bulbs,

but she's going to wither
and die before the new year.

[Bernice sobbing]

Are you all right, dear?

I guess not.

So, I says to Porter,
if you ask me,

the foreign kid's not playin'
with a full deck.

Never knows what team he's on.
Says we all look alike.

Dad, did I ever tell you
how proud I am of you?

I mean, even though I complain
about how embarrassing it is

to be in the same school...
everyone respects you so much.

I give it my best shot.

Leslie, your mother makes sure
you get the four basic
food groups,

and you're trashing
three of them.

Mom... [laughs]
it's so beautiful that every day

you go to all this effort.

It's just that I've lost
my appetite.

That's very sweet, Leslie.

Also, very suspicious.

Jennifer, you and I have
certainly had our problems.

Would you feel better
if I gave you my new
silver bangles?

The ones I'm not allowed
to breathe on?

Silver bangles aren't worth
fighting over,

no matter how expensive
they are.

-I'll take them!
-You're welcome.

I'll clear the table now.

Am I the only one
who finds this creepy?

[principal on PA]
Your attention, please!

This administration
is not amused...

-[school bell ringing]
-...by the attack on our very
own Venus in the quad.

[Max] You like this shit, huh?

Mm, I like this shit very much.

In America it's considered
the highest of compliments

to say to your hostess
after a good meal:

"Thank you for the shit."

How you-- how you say that?

[speaking slowly]
Thank you for the shit.

Thank you for the shit.

Hello, Farouk.

Some girls go
for the exotic type.

Yeah, Farouk, let us know
if she's a moaner or a screamer.

Hey, I had a screamer once.
She shattered her own glasses.

Don't you talk
about anything but sex?

What else is there, Ed?

That's a tough one, Pittman.

Don't pull a muscle
working on it.

Just stopped by to warn you
that you're Chairman

of the Christmas Dance Committee
this year.

Tell me when you get
the committee put together.

Oh, feel free to resume
your insightful discussion.

Mutant.

Yeah, another example
of virgin brain rot.

Don't let that happen to you,
okay?

How's it goin', Farouk?

Don't look now,
but here comes the lady

that gives new meaning
to the word hard-on.

Uh, this is your lucky day.
I saved this seat just for you.

Sit on it, pal!
Hello, Alan.

Hi.

Say, uh... aren't you
in my bio class?

I hadn't noticed.

Why don't you sit down,
take a seat?

I'm bad but I don't bite.

I do! I definitely bite!
Come on, Alan.

Hey, Alan, who's the guy
with the bow tie?

...we've got funds for holidays,
Hawaiian luaus,
Vancouver cruises.

Oh, everybody calls him
Mushroom Malone.

-Mm-hmm. Bet I can guess why.
-[laughs]

[principal on PA] Any student
caught with a substance
commonly known as Wacky Glue,

will be subject
to severe disciplinary action.

Score one
for the Wacky Glue Phantom.

[pop music playing in diner]

[Mushroom] I can make you
a great deal, you'll love it.

I'm not kidding,
it's great stuff!

You'll love it.

It's all so unreal.
I feel like I ought
to do something.

There's nothing
anybody can do now.

I'll just go on pretending
nothing's happened.

Cram a lifetime
into three months.

There's so much
I wanna experience.

-You mean?
-I always said I'd wait

for the love of my life,
but I guess I'll have
to settle for...

[both] ...sex!
[laughing]

I gotta know if it's worth
all the time we spend
talking about it.

Bad news, my research
says the first time's
never the best.

Unless you go for someone
really experienced.

It might be sweet if it was
the first time for both of us.

It might be the pits. I've heard
it's harder than it looks.

Yeah, really? Two dozen
Shriners with rubbers?

Later, babe, I think I just saw
a major league pair of yapo.

-[Pittman moans]
-[Liz yells]

[Pittman grunts]

Let's go.

She's weird!

I hear they call you Mushroom.
Got any?

Wanna speak up?
They didn't hear you in Nevada.

I figured with a name like that
you must be advertising.

Would you sit down? Only takes
one narc to ruin your whole day.

Really?

Gnarly.

[Alan] Doesn't this ever
strike you as absurd?

[Max] What?

All these adolescents,
desperate for human contact.

[Max]
You mean horny?

[Alan] Isolating themselves
in their own little prisons
on wheels.

Like a thousand lonely little
worlds doing a mating relay

down the highway of life.

[Max]
Hey, catch that, tits and drugs.

[Alan] Give me a break.

Max! I love you.

[boys laughing]

[Max]
Pittman, you lunatic.

You know, you think too much,
that's your problem.

You could use a problem
like that, Max.

[scoffs]

Leslie!

Fate is calling you, Les,
and getting a busy signal.

Think Max, Leslie.

Oh, sometimes he gets
this look in his eyes.

I mean, this is a man who knows
where to find your G-spot.

Oh, Mel, I couldn't
find my G-spot.

I kissed him once
in the second grade.

Oh, he was hot even then.

[Max laughing]

He's not interested
in me, Mel.

Well you gotta be gutsy, Les.

Just call him up
and ask him out.

All he can say is:
"No way, José."

Right, then I just die
of embarrassment.

Like, what have you got to lose?

-[man] Hey, Max.
-How you doin'?

"Is it too much to ask
for someone dark and mysterious,

who reads and would talk about
life all night by candle light?

I guess I'd better face reality,
boys are so immature.

I'll get a diaphragm,
settle for no-frills sex."

[dog barking]

Well, why don't you take
the floor, Farouk?

And I'll get the main dish.

Oh, she means
it's your turn to talk.

Oh, uh...

I... I like United States,
very much.

Uh, the people, very,
very funny to meet me.

It's okay, sit down, Farouk.

I have spent all day

preparing your favorite
native dish, Farouk.

Stuffed beef heart.

[crying]

I... You make me very
funny to be here with you,

in America, my new family
in United States.

I want to say to you now,
as my best friend, Max

teach me to say...
thank you,

thank you very much
for this shit!

[glass shatters]

[glass shatters]

[school bell ringing]

[Earl]
They're all Wacky Glued, sir.

Damn terrorists.
This means war, Earl.

No quarter given.

[Farouk chanting]

[rooster crowing]

[Coach Hindenberg] Salamahega...
[sighs] ...roba.

Aw, hell, is Farduke here?

He's always late!

[Max] It's Farouk, Coach.
And it's prayer time in Mecca.

[blows whistle]

Listen up!

It took a long time

to get funding
for this new wrestling mat.

I want to see you treating it
like your mom's best carpet.

Carpenter!

[Pittman]
Hey, don't hurt him, Carp.

[boy] Get him, Carp.

First time I did it
was on my mom's best carpet.

Left some rude rug
burns on my knees.

A small price to pay.
I'd do it on asphalt.

Oh, you like pain
with your pleasure?

Hit on Hindenberg,
she's the pleasure
and he's the pain.

Leslie? I wouldn't kick her out
of bed for eating crackers.

Holt!

Since you don't need
to listen to this,

why don't you demonstrate
a take-down on Pittman?

[laughing] But Coach,
he outweighs me
by a hundred pounds.

-This is ridiculous!
-[Pittman growling]

Easy, I don't wanna hurt you,
Pittman.

[Pittman grunting]

Come on, you guys,
this ain't no sock hop.

-Come on! Come on! Come on!
-Want blood?

[Coach Hindenberg] Get the lead
out, come on now!

-[Alan roaring]
-[Pittman] Shit!

[Pittman] Oh, wow man,
I'm sorry about your face.

Get him off the mat!
Get some towels!

Stop that bleeding!

It's too late, Coach,
I think he's dead.

No, you idiot, my mat!

[Alan groaning]

How about it, Max? Do I have
the stuff to be a blue flamer?

Well, you got the gas, Carp.

Uh, how 'bout a car?

Well, Dad says
I can have it back

as soon as I pay
for the paint job.

So, cough up the bucks,
and then we'll talk.

Okay.

Alan, do you think your brother
could get me a job
over at the Lorelei?

-Please?
-I'll see what I can do.

I can hardly wait to see
what happens when you meet...

the fascinating flatworm.

Like the sea squirt,
it can reproduce asexually.

Sometimes, the tail decides not
to follow the head and presto!

-[chalkboard screeching]
-[all groaning]

The worm's torn in two.
This is self-mutilation.

Each part then regenerates
a whole worm.

Reproduction has
taken place asexually.

[door opens]

[boy] Oh, here he is.

Eric March.

Eric March, this is your fourth
tardy this week.

Please go to your lab station
immediately.

Yeah, we be cutting some worms.

Violent effect, man,
real New Wave.

[boys laughing]

Hey, yo, Hindenberg.
Why don't you sit down

and take a load
off your mind?

[fart sound]

-[Pittman cackling]
-Damn it, Pittman!

Mr. Pittman!

Mr. Pittman, please.
Please give me that... balloon.

[fart sounds]

[giggling]

You may now begin
to mutilate your flatworms.

So, you're scoping
out the new girl, eh?

Who?

The one with the X-rated bod.

[scoffs] No, I was talkin'
to Sharon.

The guy's unconscious,
she's all yours.

You snooze, you lose. Go.

So, what do you
think of Nixon?

So far, it's mayo on white
all the way,

and I thought Cleveland
was straight.

Try eatin' your lunch
on the football field someday.

If the wind's blowin' just right
half the town gets stoned.

How 'bout you, buddy,
do you puff up?

[Alan] No, that stuff
kinda puts me to sleep.

Uh-huh, no puff-puff, huh?
[sniffs]

You always look so spacey.

I guess I'm just
naturally hard-- high.

Well, that's okay too,
I guess.

Excuse me, people get stoned

for doing something
such as this?

It seems cruel
and unusual punishment.

No, Farouk, getting stoned
is like smoking pot.

-Grass?
-Yeah.

Oh.

My dad was talking
about you last night.

He said you're pro material.

Yeah, I have a good arm.

He says you really stand out,
a real team leader.

He said that?

[scoffs] He treats me
like pond scum

'cause I won't go out
for football.

Oh, you've got it all wrong.

You remind him of him
when he was younger.

He really likes you.

Could have fooled me.

So, I was thinking that
if you're not doing anything

Friday night,
maybe we could go out.

Yeah, that sounds okay, except
that my Trans-Am's in the shop.

That's OK, I'll pick you up
in my vulva-- Volvo.

In that case, you're on.

Her vulva! [chuckles]

So, how'd you make out with Liz?

-I think she's a loadie.
-So?

Just can't get the hang
of these worms.

There's less resistance
when they're semi-conscious.

[TV announcer] We now return
to... Sands of Time.

[character on TV] Why, Matt.
This is a surprise.
Can I get you a drink?

Max? Max, I need
to talk to you, honey.

I am very concerned
about Farouk.

-[Max sighs]
-He's been slightly
under the weather lately.

And... and I'm afraid he feels
somehow different
from the rest of you boys.

Face it, Mom,
how many guys at Nixon
pray during fourth period?

Well, as his AFS sponsor,
I can't help feeling responsible

for the way he'll remember
the United States.

These are impressions
he will carry with him for life.

Perhaps you should ask him
to join your bridge club.

I want you to take him
with you tonight, Max.

I have a date tonight!

And I don't know
about in Abu Dhabi,

but in the good old USA,
only two people at a time
go on a date.

Farouk hasn't had one single
date since he's been here, Max.

Well, I can't imagine why.
He's had more offers
in three weeks

than I've had
in three years.

Please. Reach out, Max.

[Max's mother]
Oh, hello, you must be Leslie.

Hi, Mrs. Holt.

-Hi, Max.
-Hi.

You mind if Farouk joins us?

In Abu Dhabi,
women sit in ass of car.

Fascinating, Farouk.

[Farouk]
Peaceful pastures.

Is this our destination?

Ah, yes, Peaceful Pastures.
Max tell me all about
this place.

It's where people come,
park the car

and make sneaky sex, no?

[chuckles]
You might not believe this,

but I come here a lot
to meditate about life
and death.

Could we talk
about something else?

[Farouk humming]

Um, in Abu Dhabi,
we have a game.

It's called, uh, how you
say... "Sit on the Bottle."

Farouk, isn't it prayer time
in Abu Dhabi?

No, no, no, no,
sun is down.

It's up in Abu Dhabi.

Oh, oh, okay,
I get you now, Max.

I go pray.

I go pray the coach
not find out. [laughs]

I thought he'd never
take the hint.

Let's not waste
any more time.

[Max grunts]

Uh, Leslie, uh, this might not
be the time to mention it but...

[chuckles] Um...

Your father said that he would
castrate anybody
that laid a hand on you.

Oh, you know he didn't mean it.

Oh. Well, um,
me and the guys,

we weren't sure.

Max, we're all alone.

We may never pass
this way again.

Let's not talk about Daddy.

[Farouk whistling]

[animal howling]

[body thudding]

[Farouk] Oh shit.

[Leslie] It's about time
he goes for my bra.

[Max breathing heavily]

Oh, my God,
the hook's in the front.

He'll never figure this out.

Oh, God, now he thinks
I do this for a living.

[Max moans]

[sighs]
My hip bone is killing me.

OK, looks like he's gonna
take the plunge.

Brace yourself for rapture.

-[Leslie screams]
-[Max] Oh, Leslie! Oh no!

Oh, no, no, no!

[Leslie screams]

[Leslie] I can't believe this,
my dad is gonna kill me.

-[Max] No, he's gonna kill me!
-[Farouk] Holy shit.

[Coach Hindenberg]
Let's go! Let's go!
Let's go! Let's go!

Come on, you're
slowin' down, Holt!

I told him. Leslie Hindenberg
is lethal nookie.

What a way to go.

[Max thudding on floor]

Come on, Holt, up!
Get on, move it, come on!

Cross over, come on, come on!

Even if I do get off
restriction before I die,

no guy will ever
come near me again.

I think you're overreacting.

You didn't see my dad.
We're talking Godzilla on PCP.

The Volvo is demo'd.

That's nothing compared
to what he did to Max!

Okay, write off the guys
at Nixon.

Who else do you know?

There's always
Richard from Filmore.

You mean, Richard,
Pittman's brother?

You guys broke up
two years ago.

Only because I wouldn't let
him get past second base.

Ha. I thought it was because
he had the personality
of a bobby-pin.

He wanted me desperately, Mel.

And he doesn't have my dad
for PE.

Isn't that Liz?

[Leslie] God, who'd ever thought
her dad's a cop?

[Melanie]
No wonder she's so wild.

-[bell ringing]
-[boy] Hi, girls!

You know what the estimate is?

Twelve hundred big ones.

But she's been so angelic
this past month.

Doing the dishes
without being asked.

She even offered
to polish my spoon collection.

A graveyard.

What in the hell were they doing
in a goddamn graveyard?

They were teaching Farouk
the American way of death,
like she said.

Now, what would the three
of them do?

I know what I'd do
in a graveyard with you.

Oh, Lester.

Lester, she's been so,
so good this past month.

I just, I just hate to...
to ruin it.

You know?
Take her off restriction.

Oh, Lester.

Oh, June...

You know when you do this to me,
you always get your way.

"Young white male seeks
bisexual white female twins

with taste for parmesan cheese."

-[Alan snorts]
-Check it out.

Sometimes it's easier
to do it with a stranger.

You're not suggesting
I'm this desperate?

No. Just 'cause it's
Date Night USA

and you're spending it
with your brother here
at the Lorelei.

"Have uniform, will travel.

Experienced nurse seeks
inexperienced male
for hands-on training.

Call Inga at 555-5756."

Gimme my zombie.

Eight hours in this hell hole

for five dollars
and sixty-three cents.

Cheer up, Sunshine,
didn't Ranada say
something about a raise?

Oh, that slimy cheesebag,
he wants to talk it over
in a room.

Man, he tries anything,
I mace his face.

Look at it this way, at least
the nurse would be enthusiastic.

-[dial tone]
-[Alan clears throat]

[woman] Hello.

Hello, may I please
speak to Inga?

Jah, this is Inga Borg.

Uh, yeah, I'm calling
about your ad in the....

Jah, sure. What is your name?
How old are you?

And, uh, do you have
any infectious diseases?

Uh, my name is Alan.

I'll be 18 in June
and I don't have herpes.

Uh, tonight is available,
can you get a room?

Not now, Gunnar.

Uh...

Just come to lounge
at the Lorelei

and ask the bartender
for the room number.

Goodbye.

So, how does one go
about getting a room?

Gimme a shooter.

You know, I spent an hour
in the john in 319,

and it's still backed up!

I have had enough
of this roach motel for one day.

Three nineteen is yours.
Get the master key from Carp.

Where's he now?

[metal clattering]

Does that answer your question?

I wonder what's keeping Inga.

I'll go see if the coast
is clear, okay?

Good evening, Mr. Ranada.

Is everything under control,
Carpenter?

It's all hunky-dory, sir.
Except for the toilet.

I wouldn't go in there
if I were you!

-Carpenter!
-Sir, I can explain everything.

I see you been talkin'
to Sunshine.

I really dig the bubbly,
nice touch, kid.

I aim to please, sir.

TV workin'?

Shit-sape, sir.
I mean, ship-sate!

Whatever, Carpenter, whatever.

When you see Sunshine,
tell her Mr. Goodbar
is waitin' on her.

OK, pronto, sir.
Have a swell evening, now.

[Ranada]
Let it beat and let it bleed.

[groans] I don't believe it.

[Ranada]
♪ I'm a sentimental kinda guy ♪

♪ Kinda timid
Even a little shy ♪

-Oh, God.
-[knock on door]

[door opens]

[Ranada] You're early,
my little raisinette.

[Inga] Oh, no, I always
come on time.

[Alan] Jesus.

[Ranada] If only all women
could say the same.

You dressed up
for Doctor Ranada,

I like that.

[Inga] You sound older than
you did on the phone.

[Ranada] Sunshine?

[Inga] Alan?

[Ranada] What the hell.

[Alan] Prick.

You want something else,
Sunshine?

On the house, of course.

[laughs] Okay, hit me.

I have not had so much fun,

since Ranada broke his pinky
in the cash register.

Too bad it wasn't his schlong.

-[Inga] Jah!
-[Ranada moaning]

[Inga] You respond well
to discipline.

[Ranada screams]

[Inga screaming]

Don't panic!

[Ranada] Do it more, you bitch.

-[gasping, screaming continue]
-[Ranada] God.

[Inga continues screaming]
No! No! Oh, jah!

[Carp panting]

-Are you all right?
-[Inga screams]

[Ranada]
God damn you, Carpenter.

[bell ringing]

[teacher] The male squid
swims frantically searching
for a female to mate with.

The story of my life.

Then the squid slips one
of his long, supple tentacles

deep inside his own mantle,

and withdraws several
gelatinous packages of sperm.

Commonly known as jerking off.

"He then thrusts his sperm deep
into the female's body cavity."

Mmm, how romantic.

What happened to foreplay?

The finale of this oceanic orgy.
Yes, class, unfortunately,

all the squid expire.

Hey, Max, sounds like
you and Hindenberg.

[teacher] Lights.

Mr. Pittman.

Simply breathtaking,
gave me goose pimples.

Almost makes you
wanna be a squid.

All right, class, let's get
to our lab stations.

Hey, Liz, where's your retainer?

[Liz]
Shut up, kid!

Max, Pittman says
the Blue Flamers

are having their meeting
at the drive-in this weekend.

So?

Well, I paid off the paint job.
I can get my dad's car!

Well, we'll take that
into consideration, Carp,

whenever we discuss membership.

All right, class,
today you'll start dissecting

your very own squid.

After removing its mantle,
be sure to determine its sex.

And class, please be very
careful with the gonads.

They're quite delicate.

You actually ate one of those?

Ah, squid.
It's very good with ink.

I'll try anything, once.

Anything? I'll take you up
on that this weekend.

You mean, like go out
or somethin'?

Well, I was thinking about it.

There's something I'd like
to talk to you about, alone.

It may be important.
It's very important.

It's more important
than you think.

-Friday night okay?
-Perfect.

[dial tone]

[woman] Hello?

Hello, may I please speak
to Richard?

[woman]
Just a minute, dear.

-[door opening]
-[Jenny] Les?

[Leslie]
Hello, Richard?

Hi, this is Leslie Hindenberg.

Yeah, long time no see.

The reason I'm calling is...

I got to thinkin' about how much
fun we used to have together.

And I thought maybe you'd like
to get together,

you know, for old times' sake.
Like maybe this weekend?

Oh, I think we have lots
to talk about, you know?

-I've matured a lot, Richard.
-[laughing]

Sure, I'll return
your Van Halen records.

Okay, great. I'll see you then.

-Bye.
-Talk about hard up!

Isn't he the one
with the personality
of a bobby-pin?

I've changed, Jennifer,
I'm sure he has too.

Now, get out of here.
Out, out, out!

[groans] Fine!

[man in film] Michael,
the girls in the Flower brothel
won't disappoint you.

The car!

Is there something wrong?

Afraid so, Alan. I have
something I have to tell you.

It's Mushroom Malone, isn't it?

No, it's worse than Mushroom.

[funeral music playing]

-Is something wrong?
-Just... hold me, Richard.

Leslie, uh....

You used to love it when I...
kissed your neck, remember?

And I remember
when you used to kiss my ears.

It drove me crazy.

[Richard] Ow!

When did you pierce your ears?

[Max] Hey, fasten
your seatbelts, Flamers!

I had Brussels sprouts,
baked beans,

-and date bars for dinner.
-[boys yelling]

[Pittman] I had
Swedish meatballs, lentil loaf,

marinated artichokes,
bon-bons with prune whip!

[boys yelling]

Max, tell me now.
What is this Blue Flamers?

I'm not who you think I am.
There's a lot you don't
know about me,

a great deal,
very much.

Why pry?
I know all I need to know.

No, you don't know.

-I do know.
-You may not wanna know.

What could I possible know
that would make me know you

better than I know you now?

Alan, I'm a narc.
Police Officer.

When I finish my assignment
at Nixon,

Mushroom and 36 others
are gonna be busted on Monday,

and I'll be starting over again
somewhere else.

Another high school,
another district, another town.

That's what it means
to be a narc.

You're the only one I'm gonna
miss when I'm gone, Alan.

Those pill heads and pot heads
deserve what they get.

A one-way ticket to the slammer.

Is anybody gonna know
that it was me?

Not unless you tell 'em.

Oh, no chance in hell.
I can keep a secret.

I knew I could trust you, Alan.

And I had to tell you
because, well,

even though I'm 30
and you're 17,

I'm really attracted
to you, Alan.

Of course, having sex
with a minor

could get me off the force
and I have my career
to consider.

But honestly, Alan,
I get all hot and weak
when I'm kissing you.

Let's not talk
about wasted youth, Alan.

Kiss me again and I'll throw
this badge out the window
and live for the now.

Um, Liz, that is your name,
isn't it?

It's Kathy. Reagan, no relation.

I think I just wanna go home.

[starts engine]

-[boy 1] Anybody got a light?
-[boy 2] Light, light.

To the eternal blue flame.

[all reciting]
To the eternal blue flame.

To the eternal blue flame.

[Max laughing]

[Pittman]
Max, Max!

[indistinct chatter]

-[Max farts]
-[Farouk screams]

-[woman] Elmer, let's go.
-[man] I'm doin' it.

Wait, wait,
I think I've got one.

[Pittman] Oh, shit!

[boy]
It's probably a little poop!

[Pittman]
Yeah a little poo, yeah!

[woman] Oh, my God.
Look at that!

[man] Huh? Ah...

[woman] He's on fire!

-[screaming]
-[woman] Jerks.

[man] You're sick!
You guys are sick!

[Leslie] I really wanna
make it up to you.

Leslie, you don't
have to do that.

But I want to, Richard.
I want you.

I want... I wanna let you do
everything I wouldn't
let you do before.

Everything!

Leslie! Leslie, I'm...

I'm involved with somebody else,
right now.

I don't care if you marry her,
Richard,

I just wanna have you once.

Leslie, I can't!

Yes, you can, Richard.

Remember how you used
to always want me to...

What are you doing?
Leslie, he wouldn't understand!

He?

[man in film screaming]

-[farting]
-[boys yelling]

[boy] Yeah, man, I feel
mother lode settin' in.

I'm with you, I'm with you.

[all chattering indistinctly]

[loud farting]

[Max] Decent.

[sighs]

"What's wrong with me, anyway?
I never break out.

I use a deodorant.

People say I have
a cute personality.

But my sex appeal's enough
to turn my old boyfriend
off women.

I'm trying to be an easy lay.
Doesn't that count anymore?"

-[boys yelling]
-[man] Get in there!

[whistle blowing]

[Coach Hindenberg]
Pittman, get your ass up here!

Don't take it personally, Les.

According to my mom,
a lot of guys these days

can't get it up and get it in.

For years, my dad's been
telling me teenage boys
want just one thing.

I always thought
he meant girls.

Hey, Sharon, Miss Bismark
says everyone suits up,

even if you are menstruating.

I hate that word.

My mom always says:
"Is Aunt Tilly coming to visit?"

-[both giggle]
-Mine just calls it "the curse."

[Miss Bismark] Girls.

[boys catcalling]

[boys fall silent]

[catcalling resumes]

[Coach Hindenberg]
Wanna catch pneumonia?

Is it my imagination,
or is Sharon Mondo pregnant?

You don't know that for sure.

Oh, yeah.
Maybe it's just a tumor.

Not funny, Mel.

I wonder who the daddy is.

Moby Dick!

[Miss Bismark]
Give it a rest, Pittman!

[whistle blowing]

[fart noises]

That does it, Pittman!
We're gonna see Porter
right now!

[Liz] OK, this is it! D-Day.

[man] All right, but listen now.
I want you to remember
your radio mic.

You got guys sittin' in a van
about two blocks from here,

if you get in any
kind of trouble.

Sharon, what's going on?

Oh, I'm leaving school.

Potatohead acted
like I was contagious.

I said: "Look buddy,
there's no way you're
gonna catch what I've got."

-[Leslie] You're kicked out?
-[Sharon] He said school policy.

Can transfer to night school.
I said: "What about my job
at the med center?"

-He said, take it like a man.
-[police sirens wailing]

That's not fair,
ruin your whole life!

Who's talking fair?
We're in high school.

Correction,
I was in high school.

-So, uh, who's the father?
-Just a guy.

He said:
"I can't deal with this."

I said:
"That's cool with me."

Sharon, you don't have to tell
me this if it's too personal,

but is it any good
the first time?

It wasn't great, but we did
it again and it got better.

Really? Wow.

Do you really want this baby?

Well, part of me says:
"What a drag."

Another part says:
"You're a big girl, Sharon,

you can handle this."
And besides,

then I'll have someone
to talk to.

God.

I just wish the father would
call once in a while.

I'll probably never see him
now that I'm out of here.

-[whistle blowing]
-You're not out of here yet!

[Sharon]
What do you mean?

"I've been very selfish.

I've been thinking sex was
more important than anything.

I want to leave my mark in this
world and it must be more

than a wet spot
in somebody's backseat."

[Max] Definitely the work
of a genius. But is it art?

Smells like Wacky Glue to me.

[boy] Holy Jesus.

[crowd giggling]

Certainly, Sharon has
a constitutional right
to graduate,

but she can do that
at night school as I told her.

But, she's not a threat
to anybody else's education.

High school is not
a democracy, Leslie!

Think of it as the Marines.

Would the Russians
take us seriously

if we let the non-coms
call the shots? Hell no!

First they'd...
they'd laugh their heads off.

And then, they'd air-mail
the big one.

I don't wanna start a war,
Mr. Porter.

I'd just like to see Sharon
graduate with the rest of us.

[sighs] But you bend over
to accommodate one individual,

and the next thing you know,
you can't sit down for a month!

You know what's going on
out there?

No, I don't know.

[crowd giggling]

OK.

[boy groans]

[urine streaming]

Tears of joy streamed
from little Tammy Larson's
one eye, the other day,

when Santa Claus paid
an early visit
to her hospital bed.

Potatohead has no principles,
just regulations.

Hold it, Les.

The love of my life
is speaking to me.

The twinkle in Santa's eye
will be just a memory for Tammy.

So, there's a man
with principles.

You can see it in his eyes.

[reporter]
...may save her sight.

The Larsons, however,
have already exhausted...

Are you thinkin'
what I'm thinkin'?

[chuckles]

[reporter] The lights will get
dimmer and dimmer
for tiny Tammy

until the final blackout,
unless-- unless you and I...

[Leslie] I knew you'd
understand, Mr. Vincent.

It's a tragic story
that needs to be heard.

Me?

I'm a highly placed person
at Nixon,

you can just think
of me as Deep Throat.

Meet you in person?

At the Lorelei?
All right.

Goodbye, Mr. Vincent.

Ted.

[laughing] Did you hear that?
He said: "Just call me Ted!"

Oh, my God! I'm so happy
for you, I could kill you!

[both laughing]

Oh, God.
What am I going to wear?

Think sophisticated, Les.

If he finds out "highly placed"
means a senior at Nixon,

he'll never lay a hand on you.

You think I could pull it off?

Let him do that.

[Vincent]
Leslie, I ache for that girl.

But these days,
it takes a fucking quadriplegic

to wring those tear ducts
in TV-land.

But even though
she's not a quad,

if you'd seen her
cleaning out her locker,

cleaning out her dreams.
It would break your heart.

Hey, relax, huh? Relax.

Let's not start a downer here.

Come on.

Just relax, surrender
to your shoulder blades, Leslie.

Today is the first day
of the rest of your life.

Yeah, really.

Esalen taught me
to feel, Leslie.

Now, I suck up life
like a new born baby.

When I make love,
and I make love, Leslie,

I don't screw anymore,
I go all the way to infinity.

I think you and I
could find infinity,

maybe three or four
times tonight.

Excuse me a minute,
I have to use the bathroom.

Hey, I'll order champagne
for blast-off.

That would be wonderful.

[growls]

[pop music playing]

Hey, Mr. Dinko, we ain't runnin'
a day care center here.

But boss, he's my kid--

It's okay! Maybe the Sheraton's
a better place
for the Christmas Ball.

[Ranada] Whoa, whoa!
Why didn't you tell me
this was a business call?

-Here, give the kid a drink.
-Hey, 'bout time, Carp.

302 needs a bottle
of champagne.

-[Carp] It's halfway there.
-No, it's right here.

What kind of budget
you workin' with?

Wow, Ted Vincent!

There you are, kid.

-Thanks, sir.
-Hey!

-Thanks.
-Sorry.

You know, Leslie...

people like that pathetic
bellboy think I have everything.

Nobody sees the heartache
that goes with being
so handsome and famous.

"Hold the diaphragm down,
and press the opposite sides

of the rim together
between the thumb
and third finger."

[sighs]
Boy, this one's a mother.

[grunts]

Come on, Les, millions
of women do this every day.

[elastic springs]

I'll bet you do everything
with a savage intensity.

I know I do.

What are you doing
so intensely in there?

[water splashes]

Just have a check
in by the fifteenth.

And don't worry about the food,

our meatballs are the talk
of the town.

Especially at poison control.

[chuckles] You found the way
to his heart, kid.

-Where's Carp?
-I know where he is.

Follow me.

Oh, shit.

He's in here.

Jeez, I gotta fix this bastard.

Carp? Come out, come out,
where ever you are.

I think he's in the back.

You can't really hear
anything back there.

Carp?

Ah, at last.

I thought maybe you fell in.

Ambrosia?

Thank you.

Climb aboard the magic carpet.

Can we turn down
the lights?

I just want to make it...
special, you know, romantic.

You're here, Leslie,
that's makes you special.

And I'm a special guy.

I was hoping it would mean
as much to you as it does to me.

[chuckles] It does,
it means a lot to me.

I cancelled
a bunny for you.

But let's not talk
about me.

[grunting]

Listen, don't be
so uptight, kid.

You got nothin' to worry about.

I simply want you to relax,
lay back and enjoy.

Just let old Roberta
take complete charge here.

[Alan]
Do I have a choice?

Now, the first thing we're
gonna do is drop the drawers.

That's okay.

You gotta peel the banana
before you can eat it.

You don't mess around,
do you?

I take my men like
I take my liquor,

straight and hard.

Come on, come on.

Hey now,
just wait a second here.

Nothing personal, precious,
but I've seen the heartache
of herpes.

I can't, this is all wrong.
I don't even know why I'm here.

I thought you wanted
to help Sharon.

I do, but not like this.

[sighs] Now, look.
You do for me and I do for you.

That's what good sex
is all about.

Oh, please, don't.
I really never thought
it would come to this.

Baby, you haven't seen
anything yet.

I'm gonna take you to Mars!

[Vincent groans]

I'm 17-years-old,
Mr. Vincent,

and you can take it to Uranus!

You're 17?

And even if I never turn 18,

I'm gonna get Sharon
back in school,

with or without your help!

Hey, now, look,
there's no need to panic.

You know, I'm dying to do
that story on your friend.

Pregnant teenager, no future.
Wow! What a hook!

Do you think I can get
some air in here?

Sheesh, you really know
how to kill a mood, kid.

[panting]

Like I said, don't do much
for the atmosphere.

That's okay, kid!

Whenever you're ready,
you know where to find me.

[sighs]

You're just too much woman,
Roberta.

You're just too hot to handle.

[Vincent sighs]

Hi, tiger. Listen, sweetie,
I'm over here at the Lorelei

and I'm holding
a ticket to paradise.

Can you meet me in 45 minutes?

Ciao.

[warbles]

Yeah!

Alan, what are you doing here?

Uh, just lookin' for the Carp.

He's never around
when you need him.

What are you doin' here?

Um, my Aunt Tilly's
coming to visit.

She's a cleanliness fanatic.
I was checking the rooms.

Yeah, I guess so. Hey, you want
me to walk you to your car?

You never know who's gonna
jump you in a place like this.

[teacher]
Well, it seems that Mr. Bones is
caught up in the holiday spirit.

[class giggling]

Highly amusing.

[boy] Stuck on you
with Wacky Glue, Miss Post.

Leave him alone,
he's blind.

So much for Mr. Bones' humerus.

[phone rings]

[class jeering and giggling]

[boy] The old man got himself
pretty dead, eh, Max?

[class laughing]

That might have been
a critical call

and now we'll never know.

I've obtained a delightful film
on the reproductive system
of the horny toad.

Please be advised that this
material will be covered
in Friday's quiz.

[class laughing]

Now that we've all had our fun,
perhaps someone other than I

might hoist the projector
into place.

Please, Ed help me, now.

[applause]

[Pittman grunting]

Ready to roll
when you are, Ms. Post.

Pay close attention
when the male mounts
the female's back.

At his touch she releases
thousands of eggs,

as they come tumbling out of her
he spews sperm all over them.

I think that you'll agree
with me that in some ways their
courtship is almost elegant.

[class jeering]

Oh, my... no, no, no, no!
I know this isn't right.

I ordered A Tale of Two Toads.

I've seen this one before
at my cousin's stag party.

You're an animal!

You, you people,
you're all animals!

You're a disgrace to evolution!

[all cheering]

[Ms. post gasps]

[sobbing] Oh, Mr. Porter,
I just can't take it anymore.

I just can't take it!
I wanna go back to pre-school

where sex is a three-letter word
that nobody understands!

Easy, Ms. Post!
Get a grip on yourself!

Earl, you'd better check it out.

Yes, sir.

It was horrible!
It was horrible!

I mean,
I know it's a natural function,

birds do it, bees do it,
everybody does it,

but it's all they think about!
It's all I think about.

Come on!
Snap out of it, Ms. Post!

Come on! Heads up!
Heads up!

Shoulders back!
Suck in that gut!

Yes, sir.

'Cause you've got to stop
behaving like a woman!

In this outfit,
you are an officer!
You got that?

Oh, yes, sir.

Well, pull it together!
Take that hill.

Thank you, sir.
I'll do my best, sir.

Yes.

-[Ms. Post sobbing]
-[Porter groans]

Women!

[dog barking]

Our school system.

It's designed to make productive
citizens, of our youth.

Or is it?

Did I miss anything?

Shh, Ted Vincent's on, honey.

Sharon attends classes
at the med center.

She is intelligent,
she is ambitious,

she is also pregnant.
And there's the rub.

It seems that the school system
would rather see Sharon
on the welfare role,

than attending classes at Nixon.

Does the school system care
that this destroys her dreams

of a career in health services?

But Sharon's classmates do.
Meet the people responsible

-for bringing this
to our attention.
-There she is.

Leslie Hindenberg
and Melanie Taylor.

Miss Hindenberg,
Community Close-up
would like to know

why, in this age of apathy,
you cared enough
to get involved?

I saw a wrong
and tried to right it.

We hate all injustice.

Weren't you worried
that your actions

might label you
as a little trouble maker?

It just didn't seem important.

I think what Miss Hindenberg
is trying to say

is that she had the compassion
to put her own future

on the line for her friend.

Not many of us
would be so unselfish.

Not many of us have
only six weeks to live.

[splutters]

Leslie wants to use
her final days

-to do something for mankind.
-Melanie!

We'll be right back with more
on this inspirational story,

live and exclusively
on Community Close-up.

[announcer] We'll be right back
with more news

after a word from our sponsor.

That's just the question
I was going to ask you!

[doctor] What's wrong
with your daughter?

How the hell should I know?
You're the doctor!

It's a harmless mole,
she's not going die.

She's not?

No, and I did not tell her
she was going to die.

-You didn't?
-No, Leslie's fine. Goodnight.

Somebody's got some
explaining to do!

I knew it was too good
to be true.

But I overheard Dr. Fox say--

It's only a mole, damn it!

They're rarely fatal, honey.

Wait till everyone
at school finds out.

If you tell anyone
I'm gonna live, I'll kill you.

Hey, Hinden-- Leslie.
Give me five, buddy.

Hey, you did good, you know.
I'm real proud of you.

Thanks. I'm sure you'd've
done the same thing.

Hell, no, I'd probably be
too busy tryin' to get laid
or something.

Hey, Leslie, Leslie.
I was just thinkin'

I'm really gonna miss
that look on your face,

you know, when you
get really pissed-off.

Thanks, Tim, but the doctor
says I might be in remission.

Miss Hindenberg?
My deepest sympathy.

And may it ease your mind
to know that Sharon
will be coming back.

That's great.

No prints, sir.

[boy] Nice fish.
[laughing]

No, Max.

Mr. Holt!

Oh, you're a real comedian,
aren't you, son?

I like to laugh,
if that's what you mean.

All right, son.
If that's the way
you wanna play it.

You just remember that I've
got you under surveillance.

Sooner or later, you're gonna
step into your own glue,

and it'll be my turn to laugh!

Ha, ha!

[girls giggling]

[girl] No lie, Allison,
she never was gonna die.

That's what her little
sister told my little sister.

Hi, Candy.
Thanks for the card.

Hold onto it. Someday you
might even die for real.

[giggles]

Some people will do anything
for attention.

[bell ringing]

-Hi, Les.
-Hi.

I can't believe what you did,
telling everybody
you were dying.

I mean, everybody was
saying: "What a geek."

I said:
"There goes a true friend."

Well, well, well, if it isn't
the girl who would not die.

[class giggling]

In Abu Dhabi, nobody die.
You just come back in
a different body.

Yeah, Hindenberg, next time
come back with a boob-job.

Now class, today we climax
our adventure with a look
at human reproduction.

Unlike the promiscuous
alley cat,

humans may mate for love.

In the process
of careful selection,

humans can increase the odds
of passing on desirable genes.

-[Pittman] Like big tits!
-[klaxon blares]

[all groaning]

Thank you, Mr. Pittman.

For instance, can you do this?

You'll find that some of you
can touch the tip or your nose

with your tongue and some of you
simply cannot.

I can. Why don't you try,
and then look around
and graph the results.

Go ahead. Try it.

Hey, Leslie, glad to see
you're still around

to pass your genes
onto some little Hindenberger.

-[class laughing]
-[klaxon blares]

Thank you, Mr. Pittman.

"It's all I can do to get out
of bed and live
through another day.

When they started laughing,
part of me died.

All I can do is pretend
I don't care,

and move to outer Mongolia
when I graduate."

I can't stand
the silent treatment.

Yell at me if you want,
but say something.

Too late to kiss up now,
rat face.

As far as I'm concerned,
I'm now an only child.

Mom's really worried about you.

She and Dad are talkin'
about shrinks.

Unnecessary.

Tomorrow night's
the Christmas Ball.

Ask me if I care.

But Leslie, you were
doing a lot more living

when you thought
you were dying.

Now that you're living,
you act like you're dead.

That's so heavy,
I don't know if I can grasp it.

I thought high school's supposed
to be the neatest time
time in a girl's life.

Whatever gave you that idea?

I can't believe what my mother
had the gall to serve
for dinner last night.

Roast lamb's head
marinated in olive oil.

I almost puked.
Farouk, he loved it.

What smut are
you reading now?

Whoa, we're talkin' serious
desperation, here, Alan.

Can I see it
when you're finished?
I sure could use it.

Ha, ha, don't make me laugh.

No, no, really!
Guess how many times
I've scored this year.

No thanks,
it'll only depress me.

Zero. Nada. Zip.
Zilch. Nil and void.

Farouk moved in and
my social life moved out.

I can't go anywhere alone, now.

Except for the john,
and even that's not safe.

The guy doesn't knock.

I'm gonna die a virgin, Max.

I'm lookin' forward to fifty
years plus of today's celibacy.

[band playing upbeat pop music]

♪ Last night I thought
About you and me ♪

♪ And about that shiny little
Engagement ring ♪

♪ You never call me
And it's making me cry ♪

♪ You never call me
And I wanna die ♪

♪ But then this morning
When I checked the mail ♪

♪ Just one more ad
About the evening sale ♪

♪ Just breaks my heart
'Cause you did not
Send a letter ♪

♪ My friends are sayin':
"Boy, better just forget her" ♪

♪ 'Cause you never ♪

Hey, Hindenberg, you're looking
a little pasty there aren't you?

Say, uh, you're not gonna
croak on us again, are you?

♪ You never call me
On the telephone ♪

♪ You never call me
And I'm so alone ♪

♪ Maybe someday
I'll get you back again ♪

♪ There ain't no tellin'
When I might be a winner ♪

♪ Maybe someday
I'll make you understand ♪

♪ You can't ever live
Without me ♪

♪ No, I play guitar
And I sing in a band ♪

♪ There ain't no reason
Why you shouldn't like me ♪

♪ Last time I saw you
You were walkin' hand in hand ♪

♪ With some other guy
That I'd never seen before ♪

♪ And you never ♪

♪ You never call me ♪

♪ You never call me
On the telephone ♪

♪ You never call me
And I'm so alone ♪

♪ I took you dancing
On your birthday in Harlem ♪

♪ And I don't like dancing
But I knew you would ♪

♪ You left me standing
By the disco... ♪

They make 'em that big
in Abu Dhabi?

Breath test patrol, can you
touch your finger to your nose?

Cool it, Mel,
you wanna get us busted?

Bribe me, I'm easy.

I feel so happy, Max.
That give me good head.

Yeah, if only it could.

The only thing I need to
make this party just perfect,

is a beautiful woman
to love me.

Yeah, I can relate.

They're not hard to find
if you look, Max.

She may be just a step away,
just waiting for you
to ask her to dance.

♪ You never call me ♪

♪ You never call me
On the telephone ♪

♪ You never call me ♪

♪ You never never never ♪

Hi, Leslie. Lookin' good.

Want some punch?

[crowd cheering]

[band playing midtempo music]

[Leslie] Carp, you got
meat sauce in it.

[laughing] I'm sorry.

OK, here we go.

[Leslie]
That's good.

Okay.

-Carp?
-Yeah.

How you doin'?

Oh, I'm doin' great.
Have a good day.

-You wanna dance?
-Sure.

Even trade, Carp.
Two of these babies for a room.

Those? Um, red pills
give me hives.

-Aren't you on probation?
-That's the point, man!

I can't party in public
these days.

Hey, Ms. Post!
Are you havin' a good time?

Oh, yes, thank you very much,
Mr. Holt, I am.

Mr. Holt, might I have some
of that ethanol tucked under
your coat, there?

Yeah.

Cheers.

-[chokes]
-[laughing]

You like it?

Very fine, carry on.

Melanie, I give you box of candy
and then you go out with me.

Thanks anyway, but chocolate
makes me break out.

Oh, shit.

[Mushroom and Pittman howling]

It's 104!

Great genes!

These bells are
giving me a migraine.

Excuse me.

What's your name?

Dinko.

Mr. Dinko, would you like
to dance with me?

I love this woman.

Love is a four letter word.

-Guess who.
-It sure ain't Santa Claus.

[pop music playing
in hotel room]

[indistinct chatter]

No shit, I met some great
connections in drug school.

You name it, I can get it.

No thanks,
I never touch that stuff.

Hey, mellow out, Edstein!

Sit down and party.

Thanks, I like the view
from here.

Oh, you change your mind?

I mean, it changed the way
I looked at things,

like the meaning of life,
death and sex.

You left out love.

I didn't think I had time
for that.

Yeah, me neither.
I just wanted to get laid.

You mean, you haven't either?

When I was a girl,
we learned Latin in school

and sex in the streets.

Now how are they gonna
learn Latin in the streets?

Well, I'll have to think
about that one, Mrs. Fish.

[both laugh]

Will you excuse me,
just for a moment?

Just a moment.

[pants tearing]

-[Mrs. Fish screams]
-Damn it!

Melanie, you need new clothes.

I buy you dress,
you go out with me.

See, Max,
Farouk's got the right idea.

All you have to do is ask.

Give her an offer
she can't refuse.

Melanie, I buy you Mercedes,
you go out with me.

Hey, come off it, Farouk,
you cannot buy her a Mercedes.

Yes, I can, Max. I have,
uh, four in Abu Dhabi.

And many, many travelers'
checks.

Then, what are you
doin' ridin' around with me?

I like you, Max.

Besides, I have chauffeur
in Abu Dhabi.

Gee, Farouk, I didn't know you
were into expensive German cars.

Okay, okay, God,
but from now on,

I set my own shifts,
at 4.50 an hour, plus tips.

You got it.

[woman screams]

Excuse me. Wrong room.

Damn that Carpenter, come on.
I swore he said room 105 was....

[laughing]

Hey, buddy, know where
I can get some ice
in this roach motel?

Carpenter!

Give me that bucket.

Gimme the bucket!

Oh! Gimme the bucket,
you break it, you pay for it!

[laughs] Hey Carp, do somethin',
this guy's got a burr
up his butt.

Gimme that bucket! [grunts]

Now, Carpenter...

[girls squealing]

Hey, now, what's
going on in here?

Hey, man, turn out the lights.

I'm gonna personally turn out
the lights on everyone
of you punks

if you don't get the hell out!

Mister, why so tense?

Out!

I'd still be in the closet,
if Inga hadn't suggested

to try a new therapy
in the shower.

When you're talk about it,
it makes it seem less painful.

See this?
We're laughin' about it.

I mean, in school you always
look so serious.

I didn't think you noticed.

I thought it took someone
like Liz to get your attention.

Now, if I looked like her...

I like the way
you look better.

I think we got some
celebrating to do.

Okay, you're gonna pay for this.

I'm gonna call the cops!

Hey, Carp, man,
I'm really sorry.
I just wanted to get some ice.

[band playing upbeat pop music]

I know a good place to park.

I'll park anywhere
in a Mercedes.

I want to make some toast
for you, Max.

My best friend in United States.

-Thank you for your hostilities.
-It was nothing.

Well, I owe Max
so many nothings.

I mean, until tonight,
talking to girls was like...

relating to aliens
from outer space.

You seem to clue in
on what I'm saying
before I've even said it.

[boy]
Hey, Alan, come on in, man!

Leslie, would you like to...

[police sirens wailing]

-[cop 1] Hey,
what room was that?
-[cop 2] 104.

[cop 1] Let's get up there.

You guys, it's the police!

Deja vu, man.
Time to boogie.

[all yelling]

I don't believe this.

Here I am all alone
with a beautiful woman...

and I could be happy
just talkin' all night long.

We could just talk.

No!

-It's a bust!
-[all screaming]

They've got us, Maxwell!

Oh, just one last kiss
before they lock us up.

Just one?

[Alan]
Let me work on this door.

To ensure privacy.

What do you mean?

You're the phantom?

I don't reveal myself
to just anybody.

Neither do I.

[Leslie giggling]

[giggling]

[down tempo music playing]

♪ Here's to this moment
In my life ♪

♪ When only my heart
Can say what's right ♪

♪ I hear a voice from somewhere
Deep inside ♪

♪ Here's to the person
I'll become ♪

♪ After the battle's
Finally won ♪

♪ I can look back and say
I gave my all ♪

♪ I know
My dreams are coming true ♪

♪ I'll be sharing them all
With you ♪

♪ Forever ♪

♪ Tonight ♪

♪ We're reaching for the stars ♪

♪ They'll be shining
Wherever we are ♪

♪ Forever ♪

♪ I know the future's
Looking bright ♪

♪ Though it won't happen
Overnight ♪

♪ It feels so good
I'm on my way ♪

♪ Here's to a life
With no regrets ♪

♪ I couldn't live
With something less ♪

♪ I wanna go on
With my head up high ♪

♪ I know
My dreams are coming true ♪

♪ I'll be sharing them all
With you ♪

♪ Forever ♪

♪ Tonight
We're reaching for the stars ♪

♪ They'll be shining
Wherever we are ♪

♪ Forever ♪

♪ I know
My dreams are coming true ♪

♪ I'll be sharing them all
With you ♪

♪ Forever ♪

♪ Tonight
We're reaching for the stars ♪

♪ They'll be shining
Wherever we are ♪