Joe Somebody (2001) - full transcript

Welcome to "Bring Your Daughter
To Work Day" at Starke Pharmaceuticals.

Very nice. Home movies and family photos.

That's nice. It's novel.

Pat, this is just a first cut,
of course. You know...

I was wondering how next month's
Good Chemistry video is coming along.

- I can have it by Thursday.
- Pagel wants a look by Wednesday.

- Gee, Wednesday...
- Perfect. Gotta run.

This might be a good time for you and I
to talk about that promotion of mine.

Or those basketball tickets.

All right. We'll do it some other time.

OK, then.



Let me give you a hand with this.
Hand me your staple gun.

- The what?
- The staple gun. It's right behind you.

Oh!

Staple gun.

Thank you. You are really saving me here.

You're welcome. I love this
whole "Choose Happiness" thing.

Yeah, it's based on the classic
philosophical concept

that happiness is a choice, not a condition.

Maybe they're getting it on a subliminal level.

It's Joe, isn't it? Joe Scheffer.

- Yeah.
- Meg Harper.

You did that great video
for my department last summer.

It actually... It made me cry.

Why? Cos it was so...



- bad?
- No, not at all.

Because it was so good.

Thanks.

- How have you been, Joe?
- I got a divorce, actually.

- Oh. Oh, I'm so sorry.
- That's OK.

- Are you all right?
- Yeah. You know, it's weird.

But I'm doing great. I stay busy.

In the week it's all about
my daughter Natalie. She's 12.

At weekends my schedule's whacked.
I work out a lot.

- Me too.
- I got concerts, plays...

I hike now. I got some Vibram-soled boots.
I do a little trekking. I travel extensively.

- Sounds like you win.
- I dance.

- Oh!
- Yeah.

Not professionally, but I do go
to clubs with other... others.

- Jeez, get off your ass and do something.
- I'm thinking of getting a pilot's licence.

- I was kidding.
- Oh!

I'm not gonna take lessons.
I'm not gonna fly. I was joking too.

Hey, you know what?
I should buy you an almond spiced latte.

It's the least I can do for helping me
with this... this whole...

With the banner.

I got this work to do.
I should just finish my lunch.

I understand completely.

- OK?
- OK.

Volomin. From Starke Pharmaceuticals.

Making you better than you really are.

Possible side effects include
depression, headaches,

blurred or distorted vision,
loss of balance, dry mouth, numbness,

lockjaw, tremors, heart palpitations,
varicose veins, liver damage,

loss of taste, smell or sight,
early Alzheimer's, cardiac arrest,

and, in extremely rare cases, death.

Volomin: making you better
than you really are.

Daddy!

Hey, Nat.

Hi, Dad.

- Did you have fun?
- Weekend from hell.

They took me to another
silly-ass hippie restaurant

with the most absurd
one-man play ever produced.

- "Silly-ass"?
- Dad...

Just find an alternative.

Everything on the menu was made
with curd. Curd this, curd that.

I ordered a hamburger and got a ten-minute
lecture on animal rights from the waitress.

- And the guy in the play was half-naked.
- What?

- Which half?
- Dad! Did you get the T-Wolves tickets?

No, I didn't, this time, you know...
The list for company tickets is real long.

- I'm gonna get a promotion.
- Dad, the best view's on TV anyway.

Rick's here.

Hey! Here he is.

Did you become a farmer?

No, Joe. I'm an actor dressed
as a farmer. For an audition.

Sorry. Come on, Nat, let's go.

- Hey, Joe.
- Hi, Callie.

We had a great weekend.
She tell you about the play?

- Yeah. The actors were naked.
- So were the ushers.

- They were not.
- What's wrong with Beauty and the Beast?

We're trying to expose Natalie
to serious theatre.

Bye, sweetie. Here's for lunch today, OK?

Thanks, Mom.

We should probably get going!
Come on, Dad.

- Bye, Joe.
- Bye.

See you next weekend, sweetie. We'll see
an authentic Indonesian dance troupe.

It's a dream come true, Mom.

Why do I have to spend weekends with them?

Can't we just drive by
every Saturday and wave?

Your mom's a little eccentric.
Think of her as an exotic flower.

- And that made you what? Dirt?
- Nat, she's your mom.

So, let's get started on this
"Take Your Daughter To Work" thing.

I'm supposed to interview you
and write a report.

All right, let her rip.

OK. Did you always know you wanted
to be a video communications specialist?

Actually, at first I wanted
to be Batman, but he had no powers.

And Aquaman - I don't like water.
So, Spiderman.

- That's what I always wanted to be.
- This is supposed to be serious.

Natalie, I really don't know what to say.
Um... I have a really great job.

But, to be honest, it's not the job
I've always dreamt about having.

- I thought you wanted to be a writer.
- You're the writer, OK?

Dad, I've read your play ten times.
It's amazing. How come you only wrote one?

Writing was a dream I had when
I was a kid. And then I grew up.

But dreams are important to hold on to.
Come on! You're gonna be a great writer.

You have that special spark. I know that.

But that spark will go out unless
you write. Now write this. Write, write.

Hey, watch it, ass... guy!

Nice save.

- You all right?
- Yeah, I'm fine.

- What's his hurry?
- He's just a lunatic.

It's so crowded.

I think they manufacture people here.
Below in the basement they make people.

Oh, wait. He's pulling out.

- Hey! That guy's an ass-wipe.
- Natalie...

Sorry. I meant ass-guy.

It's Mark McKinney. He's a seven-year
employee. Why is he in the ten-year lot?

Maybe he's gonna stand around
for another three years.

No, he's not. I'll be right back.

- Excuse me, Mark?
- Yeah.

Yeah. This is, uh... a ten-year lot.

You're not a ten-year associate, are you?

- You're kidding, right?
- No.

This is actually a ten-year lot
and this is the last space.

If I don't park here my daughter and I will
have to come way over from the west lot.

- You actually brought your daughter?
- Yeah.

I thought only the mothers were doing that.

I'd just appreciate it
if you'd park someplace else.

You know what I think, um...?

- What's your name again?
- Joe Scheffer. I work in...

You know what I think, Joe?
I think walking from the west lot

is probably better than getting your ass
kicked in front of your little girl, don't you?

Wait a minute. Are you,
like, threatening to hit me?

I'll tell you what, Joe.

- I'll give you to five to get back into your car.
- No. I'm not gonna... No.

No. Look, this is the ten-year lot.

Do you know the crap I've been through
to earn that little piece of...

- Daddy! Daddy!
- Stay in the car!

- Stay in the car.
- Turn around and get back in your car, Joe.

- That's my space!
- Daddy!

Daddy! Daddy!

Leave him alone, dirt bag!

- Don't call anyone a dirt bag.
- Are you OK? You're bleeding.

I just tripped. I'm OK.

I think maybe I'm just gonna
take you to school.

- You've reached the Scheffers.
- Wait for the beep!

Dad, pick up.

Dad, it's been two days.

- Hey.
- Dad, are you OK?

Yeah, I'm great.

You don't sound great.
Mom and Rick have friends over for yoga.

So I can sneak out and be home in no time.

No, no. No, Nat.

I got, um...

friends from, um... We got a bunch of...

Dad, just tell me something.

Is it you don't want to see me,
or is it you don't want me to see you?

Yes to the second one.

- Please let me, just for a little while.
- It's OK. Everything's all right.

I'm just sitting here drowning
my sorrows in a...

a quart of Ben and Jerry's Chunky Monkey.

So let's see...

Either you're lying, or you've grown an ovary.

How old are you again?

Dad, I'm scared.

What are you scared of?

I'm not sure. Just ... I just miss you.

It's gonna be OK, Natalie.
I promise. It's gonna be fine.

OK.

Your turn. What are you scared of?

Disappearing, I think.

Hang on a second. Hang on.

Hi.

- Are you smoking?
- Please...

Like the coordinator of the company
wellness programme would smoke!

Right. You should have come with me
to the human resources conference.

Hawaii... It was amazing. I brought you
a little something. It's...

"George Kahumoku Jr
sings Hawaiian love songs."

- You don't have it, do you?
- No.

I'm gone for three days and employees
are fighting like schoolkids.

This McKinney - I know everybody hates
that big jerk, but this Joe Shepherd guy...

Scheffer. Joe Scheffer.

He did the video for the wellness
programme last year. Remember?

- He's the AV guy.
- Video communications specialist.

Ooh, well, that's very different, then.

Actually, Jeremy, he's a good guy.
I ran into him the other day.

He's quiet, hard-working, maybe a little shaky
right now. He's going through a divorce.

It's really sad. He kept telling me how great...

Any work-related problems prior to this?

Well, he was promised a promotion
almost a year ago and it never happened.

So, basically, he's a schmuck.

The guy is a devoted father, a hard worker,

with nothing but positive reviews.
That makes him a schmuck?

His wife left him, he was passed over for
a promotion, and he just got bitch-slapped.

I'm gonna go with "yeah".

So, what are we doing about it?

We have left him several messages.

That's not enough. It's been three days.
Meg, we're under review.

The efficiency Nazis are all over us.

Employees fighting in the parking lot sort of
undercuts the company wellness programme.

- Do you think I'm not doing my job properly?
- It doesn't matter what I think.

What if he decides to sue
the living daylights out of the company

for failure to create a safe work environment,
or, uh, emotional distress?

I mean, but you and me, Meg....

We're on the same page. We're the A Team.
We'll make this go away. I know we can.

- I'll call again.
- That time has passed. Go get Joe Schlepper.

- Joe Scheffer.
- Joe Scheffer.

- Go get him?
- Go get him.

- At his house?
- At his house.

- Go get him at his house.
- And bring him back to work. I know you can.

- Megs.
- Yeah.

- Go get him.
- Yeah.

Bye-bye.

Hi, Joe.

Have you left the house at all
in the past three days?

- I had some cleaning to do.
- Mm-hm. I can see that.

Is that, uh... ? It's bleach, huh?

It's the only thing that really gets
the stains out. Could you hold that for me?

Sure. Um, Joe, we'd really like
for you to come back to work.

You and I can work through this together.

Do you think this'll dry darker
than the rest of the ceiling?

- No. I think...
- If it does I'll know there's a stain up here.

I'll have to paint the whole ceiling.
I might as well do that right now.

Joe. Joe, could you please
slow down for a minute?

I would really like to talk to you about this.

- What's in the bag, Joe? Is that bottles?
- No.

Oh. I'm gonna need more bleach.

I would really like to help you.

Please... Joe.

He took something from me.

Your parking space.

But it's not exactly your parking space
that he took, now, is it, Joe?

Yes, it is. It's exactly that.
It's my parking space. That's what it is.

How about when you come back to work,
we give you an assigned space, huh?

- I can't go back.
- Why not, Joe?

Would you mind not saying
my name so much?

- You could just come for a couple of hours...
- I'm sorry. I can't.

- McKinney's been suspended, Joe.
- You said my name again.

Fine. OK. Fine.

I will never say your name again. Ever.

Look, McKinney's not coming back
for a few weeks, Joe.

Then he has to attend my five-step
anger defusion workshop called RELAX.

- That stands for Release Emotions...
- It doesn't matter.

No. Regulating Emotional Levels
And... X. What the hell is X?

- I'm not coming back.
- Do you think that you could not interrupt?

- It doesn't matter what you say.
- Oh, Jeez! What do you want?

I'm sorry.

Did you say "What do you want?"

I'm taking this too personally.

Things have been really difficult
in our department and I need...

What do I want?

I need you to come back.

Joe?

Joe?

You're having a panic attack, Joe.
Do you know what that means?

It... sounds... pretty self-explanatory.

OK.

It's just... It's a chemical misfire.

You're not dying, Joe.

Ten years in a goddamn cubicle,

and then you wake up one day and then...

I don't have a place to park.

And what can I do for you, Joe?

Nothing.

Zylol, from Starke Pharmaceuticals.

For the best you can be.

Possible side effects may
include nausea, drowsiness,

dry throat, cough, unexpected gas.

What do you want?

OK. Now what do you want?

God... Tell me you didn't bleach yourself.

- Just the shirt. Coffee?
- Thank you.

You're welcome.

Joe, have you heard of manic depression?

Yeah.

See, this... this is way out of my league.

What I do have, though,
is the number of a great psychiatrist...

No! I'm cured!

- OK. Right. She's probably in the office now.
- Meg...

- You cured me.
- I cured you?

Yes. When you asked me that question it
scared me so much that I almost passed out.

For the first time since I can
remember... I have an answer.

I know what I want, and it's all thanks to you.

Excellent.

I am gonna kick Mark McKinney's ass.

Yeah!

- You're kidding.
- He really wants to do it.

Think Scheffer's gonna come back for
seconds? McKinney smacked him all over.

- That's sensitive.
- I'm sensitive.

I like herbal tea and Deepak Chopra
and people who come back to work.

He's gonna come to his senses.
He's not gonna fight.

Meg! Besides, it's not like
he knows where McKinney lives.

Dammit!

- You don't have a gun, do you?
- I didn't come here to shoot you.

If you're here to threaten a lawsuit
my attorney tells me I can...

I'm not here to sue you. You took
something of mine. I want it back.

When your suspension's over
I wanna fight you again.

You're all hopped up on samples,
aren't you? What are you on? Zylol?

- Volomin?
- I'm not on anything. I just know what I want.

I want a rematch.

Oh, my God.

Ooh, look...

Low blow. Low blow.

What are you? Like, 12?

The guy's gonna hit you back.
He's got arms.

What are you doing here?
Don't you have school today?

I needed to see you.

I want to see you too.

- We gotta get you back to school.
- Dad, I really wanna talk about this.

You know that big jerk
took it easy on you, right?

What makes you think
he won't kill you this time?

- Dad?
- You made your point.

- Good.
- Now it's my turn.

- I don't want you skipping school.
- It's just a biology lab.

It's not just a biology lab.
It's a choice that'll affect the rest of your life.

You skip biology, don't get in the right
college, end up in a dead-end job...

Then you're a middle-aged guy
fighting in the parking lot at work?

Miss Scheffer, you missed
fourth period again.

Funny thing. You might have gotten away
with it, if not for these little disappearances.

Gotten away with...?

- Blending in.
- Could you get to the point?

Could you sit up?

Go on.

Hiding in the back of the room.
Not speaking up. Just skating by?

- Is this about my grades?
- Yes, it is.

I just pulled your elementary school records.
What did I find?

Straight As, right down the line, baby girl.

Advanced courses in math and English.

I'm still trying to find the art fair, spelling bee
or writing competition you didn't win.

I was an overachiever.
I'm settling into my natural groove now.

But you couldn't vanilla down
the writing, could you?

In 15 years I have never seen writing
like yours from a 12-year-old.

Look at me.

You were invited to write for
the theatre club and you said no.

What are you afraid of?

- Dogs. Not all dogs, just the big ones.
- How are things at home, Natalie?

See you, Meg. Bye.

- Hey, Neva.
- Meg.

- Who's in there?
- Joe Scheffer.

- Really?
- Everybody's talking about it.

- It is all over campus.
- Thanks.

There are plenty of people
I'd like to slap around.

We all have those feelings
but we suppress them and we drink.

That's what separates us from the animals.
That and cable.

- Hi.
- Hi.

What's going on?

Joe here issued a physical challenge
to Mark McKinney.

But now he's come to his senses. Right, Joe?

Joe?

I can see how going
to his house was a mistake.

I probably stepped over the line. How do I
know he didn't go easy on me the first time?

That's right. We can fix this, Joe.
We can fix this.

Let's get Mark on the phone and put an end
to this nonsense now. What do you say?

- You OK?
- Yeah. I could use a drink, actually.

- Scotch?
- Water.

- Scotch and water.
- Just water.

What?

There's a water cooler just down the hall.

Yeah, I'll get it. I'll be back.

- You're Joe Scheffer, right?
- Right.

- We just wanted to say hello. Dan Lasky.
- Hi, Dan.

- And I'm Abby.
- Hi, Abby.

Been waiting for three years
for someone to drop that jerk.

Hey, everybody. This is my hero.
Kick his butt, Joe.

Really. Kick his butt.

Joe Scheffer?

Yeah. Yeah, this is the man.

All right. Look out now.

- Cade Raymond.
- How are you doing?

Good. You know what? I'm calling
the fight "The Thrilla In Vanilla".

Vanilla?

- Get it?
- No.

Couple of suburban white guys? Huh?

Oh. Yeah.

Hey, Joe.

- You like squash?
- With butter and brown sugar. You bet.

- I need a partner tomorrow at five.
- Oh, squash squash.

- Yeah, you know, up at Club 13.
- Club 13.

- You never been up there.
- I get busy downstairs.

- Joe, my man, we've got to fix that.
- You're kidding me.

- You can play, right?
- Yeah...

Cool. Five o'clock. You the man.

You the man!

Yeah!

Scheffer.

Man!

Great. Mark, Joe's here now.

Oh, all right. I get it. You wanna back out.
You probably wanna be best friends.

Mark, what I want is for
you to remember the fight.

Right? Three weeks. The ten-year
parking lot at 8am. You got it?

- Bring it on, Scheffer!
- No, no, no. Mark? Mark?

- You coming or going, dude?
- I was just driving by.

To take, you know, you know...

- to find out... well, more, um...
- Something bad happen to you?

No, no, no. I thought it just is a great time
for me to take a self-defence class.

- You got your ass kicked, huh?
- Who told you?

You didn't read about it in the paper?
Front page, Daily Wuss.

Come on. Guys who get their asses kicked,
that's 90% of my business. Come on in.

- Is this you?
- Yeah.

Maximum Punishment.

- That looks good.
- No.

The maximum punishment
was watching the damn thing.

- Tom Sawyer?
- Loose adaptation.

Tom played a rival ninja. I killed him.

- What happened?
- I don't know.

The producer had foreign distribution.
35% he'd charge.

"I need the money for my wife!
I have a house in Las Brisas!"

No, no, no. I mean,
you know, what happened?

Come on, I wanna hear a really sad story.

Yours.

I, um...

I got beat up in front of my 12-year-old
daughter and a bunch of co-workers.

- Damn.
- Yeah.

- I was really hoping to give a shit.
- Yeah.

- What?
- You got your ass kicked.

Now you wanna get
all Bruce Lee and stuff?

- You're losing me.
- Hey, I didn't come over here

to have my angst reviewed
by some has-been movie star.

Ooh! "Angst", "reviewed",
"movie star" in the same sentence.

You must be proud of yourself
for a man who just got made into a wimp

- in front of his daughter.
- Why don't you just shut up?

Why don't you come over here and make me?

Huh?

Come on.

- I figure I got it coming.
- You don't think I'll do it, do you?

Jeez! I'm sorry.

I'm really torqued, man. I didn't mean that
to hurt. Are you all right? Take a deep one.

That's it. Just draw it in, dude.

You'll be all right. You'll be all right.

I'm really sorry, man.

Let me give you a free lesson.
My way of saying "don't press charges".

Mr Scheffer? Welcome to Club 13.

Did you bring your own equipment?

- Was I supposed to?
- No, not a problem.

- We've got everything you need.
- Great. Load me up.

Holy crap! Dude, the hockey rink's next door.

And yet somehow it works for you.

- That's my partner. Joe Scheffer.
- Hey, Cade.

- I'm Peter.
- Hello, Peter.

- I'm Peter too.
- Peter.

- Two Peters.
- Actually, it'd be four Peters.

- All right, Joe. We're serving.
- Good. OK.

- Over here.
- Right. Here in the red thing.

I haven't played since, you know, yesterday.

- You OK?
- Yeah. It's a little longer than I'm used to.

- I think it's dead.
- That's pretty funny. Maybe I should serve.

All right, gentlemen.
Here we go. Let's get it on.

OK, that's six-one.

- Your Zen approach is really working.
- Don't be fooled.

First he gets inside your head,
then it's all action.

Nice stop, Joe.

You must have balls of steel.

Looks like you need
some work on your forehand.

But I do have that balls-of-steel
thing going on, right?

- You are one funny guy.
- You think that's funny?

Wait till they bill us for that display case.

Come on. Let's play.

- They're killing us.
- All right, Joe. Game point. Let's do this.

Did you see that?

- Great shot!
- That was amazing!

Good save!

We gotta do this again, all right?

- Abby Manheim!
- Yeah!

- Looks like I'll see you Friday night.
- Friday night?

We're celebrating Abby's anniversary
at the company with karaoke.

- I'm counting on you being there.
- You are?

Are you kidding me? You're Joe Scheffer.

Finally, how does it feel to have created one
of the most vibrant theatres in Minnesota?

Suffice it to say, the first time
I saw that 118-year-old curtain go up,

a curtain went up in my heart.

- Thank you so much.
- Hey, Amy, thanks.

- Great to meet you.
- Thanks. You too.

- What's going on?
- I got a call from Natalie's counsellor.

Seems our gifted child has been
hiding her light under a bushel.

She was asked by the theatre club
to write a play and she declined.

What? Wait, wait, wait.
Natalie, what's this about?

- It's so nothing.
- It's so something, and you're gonna do it.

- Says who?
- Says me.

When you said the curtain went up in
your heart, it was so sexy. What a line!

- Was I OK?
- Rick. Mind not doing that in front of me?

Callie, can we talk outside?

So, what is it?

Could you please keep Natalie
a little while longer?

Sure.

Thanks.

Hey, have you been working out?

I played squash with some
of the executives at work.

Squash at work?

- You?
- Yeah, me.

Bye.

I'm ready. I'm very excited.

I've given it a lot of thought and I know
exactly what I wanna do to that guy.

- New gi?
- Yeah.

- Cool.
- OK...

- I wanna psych the guy out.
- OK.

I mean, this is, like, half mental, right?

So we go with Clint Eastwood.
That stare of his.

OK?

- You talkin' to me? I won't say that but...
- Yeah, I know. I'm following you.

OK, OK. Then I cut loose.

A lot of moves. You teach me a lot of that
Crouching Dragon, Hidden Tiger stuff.

I'm sure running across buildings
is a bit advanced. We can get to it.

Then we go to The Matrix stuff. A lot of
movement. This stuff's gotta be unsettling.

OK. I like this. And then
you go into a pose...

- What do you think?
- Well, not good.

Why not?

That's why. OK?

- OK.
- All right. Let's go.

Look. There's one of my balls.

Feeling better?

Yeah.

We only got two weeks, so we're not
gonna train you to be a warrior because...

Well, let's face it...

Come on. Let's keep it simple, all right?

Got it? You all right? All right.

Now, I want you to show me
what this guy did to you.

OK. Um...

Let's say you're me. That's where I work.

I drove in and said "You can't
park there." He said "Yes, I can."

Silent movies, OK, Joe?

Let's get right to the action. Come on.

Show me exactly what he did.

Here. Stand there. I'm you, OK?

- You want me to hit you?
- Well, I want you to try, Beavis.

You're going to kick me in the nuts again.

Right, that's it. There you go.

- He just... It was a quick slap.
- OK.

I could have done that. But it was fast.
I could hardly see it coming.

- OK.
- Look over there.

- Wow! Like that!
- Yeah?

- So it's just hands. Just show me the...
- Well... OK. OK.

Easy, windmill.

OK?

OK. All right. Try to hit me in the face.

- Ready?
- Yeah.

- OK.
- Good.

OK. OK. All right. Crosses and jabs.

Mix it up a little bit. Crosses, jabs.
Really try to hit me.

Come on.

- Cover your face.
- That hurt.

- Always keep your hand up. Concentrate.
- That hurt!

I know it hurt. Let's go!

- OK. Let's do it again.
- Does anybody ever come back here?

I could wear that.

That is a ten-year-associate suit.

But you're not a ten-year associate.
You shouldn't be wearing a suit like this.

No, I'm not kidding.

I'd just appreciate it
if you'd wear another suit.

Look at me.

I'll tell you what. I'm gonna give you
to the count of five to get out of that suit

and get your shiny little
blemish-free head back into storage.

One,

two,

three!

I'll take everything I see here.

And if necessary I will buy that head.

♪ All of your time spent

♪ Keeps us ali-i-i-ive

♪ All you people, can't you see, can't you see

♪ How your love's affecting our reality?

♪ Every time we're down
you can make it right

♪ And that makes you larger than life

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, every time we're down

♪ Yeah, you can make it right

♪ Yeah, and that's what
makes you larger than life

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah...

♪ All you people, can't you see, can't you see

♪ How your love's affecting our reality?

♪ Every time we're down
you can make it right

♪ And that makes you larger

♪ That makes you larger than life!

Meg!

Hold up. Meg. Meg. Meg.
Are you leaving already?

Yeah.

Yeah.

You're hanging with
the cool kids now. Nice hair.

You like it?

Well, you wanna do something else?
You owe me that almond spiced latte.

Um... Actually, I keep pretty early hours.

It's only twenty to eight.

I have, um, extensive grooming rituals.

Maybe some other time.

OK, some other time. Some of the best
times I've ever had have been other times.

- Yeah. Good night, Joe.
- Good night.

Good night, Meg.

How about Monday?

What's that?

Monday would be another time.

OK.

OK.

Great.

- How you feeling today?
- Confident.

Very confident.

- Still confident?
- Just kick me in the nuts.

Dude, come on. We're down
to ten days. Let's get rid of the bag.

Come on. Come on. Let's go
do some evasion. Come on.

Come on, come on, come on. Let's go.

I want you to focus. I want you to hit
my chest. This is a body, not a bag.

Come on, give it to me.
Come on. Come on.

No. No.

No. No. No. No. No. No. No.
You've gotta concentrate.

You put your hands out like that,
I can't hit you in the face.

Come on.

Face. Cover the face.

What do I want?

Why don't I just buff up?

Buff up.

Ain't gonna help.

Checkout lane 22 is now open.

Excuse me! Hey! Excuse me.

- This is a ten-item lane. You can't stay here.
- What are you gonna do about it?

You can't stay here, right?
This is a ten-item limit.

Doesn't anybody care?
This guy's got way more than ten items!

What are you gonna do about it?

Sir?

Sir? Can I help you?

No. I got it.

OK.

To you, Monster Man.

- What's that?
- It's a high-protein drink.

- With candy?
- It's for bulk.

- This is gonna be you, huh?
- Eventually it will be.

Fighting that guy is not the answer.

Look, Natalie. As soon as I decided
to fight, good things started to happen,

with the exception of that protein shake.
I want good things to happen to me.

Hello?

Hi. This is Meg Harper.
I'm the wellness coordinator at Starke.

Ohh! You probably want my dad.

Yeah. Thanks.

Dad! Meg Harper, the wellness coordinator!

- Meg?
- Hi, Joe. Hi.

Look, you kind of caught me
off guard the other night,

and I forgot that I... I sort of
already have a thing on Monday night.

- A thing?
- Yeah.

- Well, what time's your thing?
- It's at seven.

But if you wanted to meet me afterwards

you could meet me at the St Agnes gym
in St Paul any time after nine.

By then I should be done with my thing.

- That'll be great. I'll stop by after nine.
- Great.

OK. Bye.

Ready? On one. Ready. And...

One. Clap. One. Clap. Two. Clap. Two. Clap.

Keep your face covered!

Smokin' Joe! Feeling good, huh?

Well, come on, big shot. Come on.

- You all right?
- Cool.

- Shower?
- Yeah.

Joe, you look great!

Hey, Joey. Jo-Jo!

Hi, Pat. Just trying to take care
of my emails. I got 109 of them today.

Ooh, Señor Popular!

- Let's take a walk.
- Where we going, Pat?

Bear with me. You've been doing
some pretty amazing work lately, Joe.

I have?

You've really kicked it into the next gear,
mister. Taken it up a notch.

That's why it is my pleasure - no,
my honour - to promote you.

Not to manager of media
services, as you'd hoped,

but all the way to director
of internal communications.

- That's higher, right?
- You betcha!

Hey, what's this?
An empty space so close to the building?

- Who does it belong to, I wonder?
- No...

- I don't know what to say, Pat.
- But wait. There's more.

- How can there be more?
- Your own key to the health centre, Club 13.

- You're official now.
- Oh, look at that.

And... Timberwolves tonight.

- Best seat in the house.
- No frickin' way.

- Yes frickin' way.
- No way.

Where's them bosses now, huh?

The Timberwolves welcome you
to tonight's game

between the Los Angeles Lakers
and your Minnesota Timberwolves!

Joe! Joe! Over here.

- What a surprise.
- Hi!

- Aren't these seats great?
- Yeah.

Yeah.

Ladies and gentlemen, Governor
Jesse Ventura and the Target Center

welcome this evening's
Wolfpack corporate sponsor,

Starke Worldwide Pharmaceuticals.

For the protection of players and fans
and in the spirit of good sportsmanship

the National Basketball
Association requests...

- Look!
- There we are!

Does he have to do that all night long?
It's like living with a friggin' cow.

- He's an actor. They do that.
- What'd I miss?

- Mom...
- What? It just started.

Matos for the Lakers.
Moves it on the wing to Burke.

Oh, my God! That's your father!

The rebound tapped toward the sideline.

Reggie Blunt went right into
the crowd. That had to hurt.

- All right?
- Yeah. Yeah. Thanks.

- Did your dad get that promotion?
- Apparently.

Are you all right?
That was one heck of a fall.

- Does Dad know the governor?
- I don't know.

Rick...

- Put a cork in it.
- Sorry.

- Please.
- Sorry.

She shoots... and she misses!

Ohh! OK. Nice try.

Too bad. And this is gonna tie it up.

- Bring it on, Wonder Bread.
- Did you call me Wonder Bread?

- Don't be scared of me, Sharone.
- I'm not.

Oh, no? I own you.

Yes!

Yes!

That was mine. That's right.

- So it's true.
- What's that?

White girls can't dance.

Really, Sharone?

Yeah, that's right.

All right. You guys gotta get out
of here cos I've gotta go home. Bye.

- Bye.
- Good job. Nice work, Sharone.

Take some dance lessons.

So, you showed up after all.

I left a T-Wolf game at half-time.

I had a courtside seat.

- Let's see if you learned anything.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

Scheffer heads towards the hoop.

When he gets this look in his eye,
defence has no chance.

He's like a force of nature, really.
What can they...

No one can score on him.

Joe Scheffer...

just got beat by a girl.

- What was that?
- A big-sister programme.

I started volunteering a couple of weeks ago.
I grew up around here.

How long were you standing there?

I got there right before you did that little
victory dance, if that's what you're asking.

Oh, no. Say something to make me feel
less like throwing myself down these steps.

OK.

I'll be flat-out amazed if I can think
of anything else for at least a week.

That'll do.

- You're really good with those girls.
- Thanks.

Yeah. The people at work, I think
maybe I'm getting them a little late.

Yeah?

I got a promotion today.
Director of Internal Communications.

Really?

I don't know about that.

- On the house, Meggie.
- Thank you, Mike.

- Meggie?
- Yeah. My mom used to work here.

As a matter of fact, I did most of
my homework in that booth right there.

- Cheers.
- Cheers.

What?

I don't know about the hair.

- You don't like it?
- It's just... I don't know.

You look like everybody else now.

And before, I was...?

You were you. You were... Joe.
You were exactly who you were.

I wasn't getting a lot of...
positive feedback with who I was.

Maybe you were asking the wrong people.

- We need music.
- Yeah. I got money.

I got quarters.

- Random picks?
- No, I grew up in this bar.

I know this jukebox by heart.

Right.

Try me.

Yeah, OK. Sit down.

Shut your eyes and don't look.

Shut your eyes.

A7.

"The Way You Look Tonight."

F6.

"I Like It Like That."

F8.

"You... Go To My Head."

Joe, are you flirting with me?

It's been so long I'm not really sure.

Well, let's say that you were.

- OK.
- D'you wanna dance?

- Here?
- On the bar.

- No.
- Come on.

Are you OK?

I'm sorry. I just don't think I'm ready.

To dance?

Yeah, I'm not ready to dance.

OK.

I'm sorry about tonight.

Don't be. Really. I understand that
it hasn't been that long for you.

Yeah.

My ex-wife put a pretty
big hole through me, and...

it still hurts when the wind blows through.

And you think that by fighting McKinney
you can close this hole?

Maybe.

OK.

Night, Joe.

Night, Meg.

Joe?

You really shouldn't flirt
with someone until you're ready.

OK.

OK.

Jeremy, hold the elevator.
What's going on with Joe Scheffer?

Good morning.
That is a great colour on you.

Director of Internal Communications?

- What is that? That position doesn't exist.
- Precedential compliance.

- What is that?
- Read your manual, Meg.

If Joe stays home and pours bourbon
on his cereal he can sue us.

But if he comes back to work, we make him
happy, a reasonable period of time passes,

we're free and clear. He can't sue.

That is precedential compliance.

What happens after that
period of time passes?

- What happens to the job and him?
- I don't know. Who cares?

I do.

- I'm afraid I'm going to have to let you go.
- Mr Scheffer?

- Yes?
- I'm Deirdre, your executive assistant.

- I have an executive assistant?
- Yes, and her name is Deirdre.

- Right.
- Would you like to see your office?

- I've been looking at it.
- This isn't it.

You have a thing for the AV guy?

- No. No, I don't.
- You don't.

- No.
- I always thought...

You know, you and I, we...

- Do you think that we should be discussing...
- Discussing? This?

Here? I think you're right.
You're absolutely right.

Let's stop wasting time. Tonight, let's go
to Grumpy's. We'll get some margaritas. Ribs.

- What do you say?
- Jeremy, that's never gonna happen.

That's fine.

- Jeremy, look...
- No, I get it about Joe.

You don't care about him,
but you care about him. It's your job.

- You care about his wellness.
- Actually...

Stop and remember why
your little wellness programme even exists.

- I am here...
- To keep us aligned with Starke's objectives.

That's the only reason you're here.
You're here to make people believe we care.

- I'm a propagandist?
- Yeah. You're a propagandist.

Precedential compliance.
You tell anyone about our conversation,

and you can start
sending out your résumé.

- We were never under review, were we?
- Yeah. We're under review.

We're all under review all the time.
And that includes your boyfriend Scheffer.

What the hell is that supposed to mean?

You'll see.

Wow!

Oh, it's too much.

You've come a long way, haven't you, Joe?

Look at this. This is great. Just when you
get to think no one appreciates your work...

Great. McKinney's back next week,
so your big day's almost here.

- But there's a small problem.
- What's the small problem?

The company is posting
security guards in the parking lot,

so that fight is not gonna happen here.

- But it has to. I've told everybody...
- I know. This is your 15 minutes of fame.

- What do you mean, "15 minutes"?
- It's a cliché. Maybe you'll get 20.

What if... What if...

What if...

What if somebody...

What if...

Thank you.

What if somebody could change the venue?

What if the fight actually happened
in a schoolyard? How cool would that be?

- Could you do that?
- Oh, no. No, no, no.

No, I couldn't officially... do anything.

Why would you not "officially" do this?

Because I know how you feel, Joe.

I was nobody too.

Guys like McKinney used me
to limber up for real fights.

If I had a shot at a guy like that now I would...

I envy you, Joe.

I really do.

Frank! Go long, buddy. Go long.

- Thanks, Joe.
- You're Randy Moss today, buddy.

Wow! Is it hot in here
or is it that outfit, Linda?

- How about some fresh grapefruit?
- Thank you, Joe.

- Meg, you never saw my new office.
- Yeah, I've been really busy.

- Do you want some fruit?
- Joe! Squash tomorrow?

Yeah, but this time let's find players
who can actually play.

- Look, Joe, I've gotta get going.
- Home? Oh, no.

- Not until you see this.
- This is yours?

Well, mine and the bank's.

Come on. Get in.

Careful. This is me. That Lumina?
I don't know who that was.

This is me.

I'm glad to see you so happy, Joe. Really.

- Are you mad at me?
- This, um... This is my problem.

- I'm gonna work it out.
- Wait a minute.

Come on. When I had a problem
you helped me work it out.

- Did I?
- Yeah.

Now that there's a problem
with you I wanna be here for you.

I wanted to be a guidance counsellor.

OK.

I wanted to help girls like me.

Girls who were too busy
cleaning the house or paying bills

to do homework or join the pep squad.

But I thought I should make a little money
first, right? You know, put something aside.

And before I knew it, I was
waking up in a better apartment.

I was going on vacation to places
like St Barts, and I had a 401k.

Meg, we all like nice stuff.

Did I tell you that that Caddy
has 12 speakers in it?

- And you can adjust the stereo.
- I gotta go.

Seriously, Meg, if you need
to talk again, you know where I live.

- Thanks, Joe.
- For what? I...

I don't think I helped you very much.

You know, I don't think
I helped you that much either.

Stretch. Stretch.

Pull. Pull.

Good, good, good.
All the way. Extend. Extend.

Good, good, good, good, good,
good, good. I'm coming low.

You pushed me.

I'm coming now.

- Always go for the nuts.
- You're that good? You protect it.

Get your hand up there.

Good.

- Looking for something?
- Gum. Got any?

- Open the coat.
- No.

Open it.

So, you're in your room watching TV
and it suddenly occurs to you.

"What I really want to do is put on a teddy
and an overcoat and chew some gum."

Didn't really come to me like that. First
I put on the teddy, then I got cold, so I, uh...

- Just give me the key.
- Not a chance.

You wanna run over him again,
at least you'll have to knock first.

I am not going to run over your father.

I miss him.

Where's Actor Boy?

Actor Boy's gone. He left this afternoon.

His loss.

I...

I feel so alone.

How can you feel alone?

I'm here.

Hey, I'm supposed to be the mother.

Oh, you're a mother all right.

Joe? Joe? Joseph?

People are going nuts about this fight.
They say you got a trainer.

- I'm not in the mood.
- Give me something.

- What are we talking about?
- The fight.

I could make a ton of money.
There's 3-1 odds against you showing up.

You're gonna show up
on Monday. Right, Joe?

- Where's Meg?
- She quit.

- She quit?
- Yeah, she was coming unglued.

Everything was a drama. She was all
psycho-femmo nervous breakdown.

She was smoking. People were complaining.

I was getting uncomfortable.
There was all this sexual tension between us.

- There was what?
- Yeah, we had a... we had a thing.

- You and Meg?
- Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Corporate retreat. Cancún. She was very hot.

Skinny, but hot.

You want the details? We were poolside...

No. I don't want the details.

No?

Hello?

I'm looking for Meg Harper. Apartment 508.

- She's up on the roof.
- Are you sure?

Son, I'm an 82-year-old man
and she's a 31-year-old woman.

Trust me. I know where she is.

I heard you had
a nervous breakdown and quit.

Nervous breakdown?

Do we need to review
who the psycho is here?

"Oh, I need more bleach. I need more
bleach. Gotta have more bleach."

That's what Jeremy said.

He also said that... you slept with him?

Does that bother you?

Yeah.

Never happened. If Jeremy chained me
to a bed I'd set myself on fire.

Why'd you quit?

Um, well,

I am the new assistant guidance counsellor

at Pembroke High School.

It's kind of a huge cut in pay.

I think I may have to give
them money, actually, but...

This is wonderful. You're great with kids.

- And you can show them that victory dance.
- Yeah, OK. Thanks, Joe.

Joe,

you can't fight. It's not right.

If you lay a finger on McKinney
in that parking lot they can fire you.

- Jeremy moved the fight.
- He wants to see you get your ass kicked.

- Nobody's gonna get their ass kicked.
- Let it go.

No one's gonna get fired.
Everybody loves me there.

Then where were they before?

If I back out I will never know who I am.

You are the guy that admitted to me
that your ex-wife put a hole in you so big

that it still burns when the wind blows
through. The guy who kept helping me,

even after he had stapled his sleeve
to a "Choose Happiness" banner.

The guy that got his ass kicked.

No. The guy that kept getting up every
morning being a father to his daughter.

That's the guy that you are.

I was nobody. You have no idea
what I'd be giving up if I don't fight.

I know what you'll be giving up if you do.

I'm sorry, Meg. I have to fight.

Yeah. Because you're afraid not to.

OK, OK, OK, OK.
You are winded. You take five.

You're killing yourself.

- Water?
- Is there a beer in there?

- How come you got out of doing movies?
- I guess I turned into an unbearable shit.

- Are many people like that in this business?
- Yeah.

But it helps if you got something
that nobody can live without.

You know something funny?
When my first picture became a hit,

there were a whole lot of people
just lined up waiting to kiss my ass.

Then when the movies started to tank... well,

they lined up behind somebody else's ass.

You gotta have people in
your life who are there for you,

whether you're somebody or not.

Did you find somebody like that?

Nope.

It's 6.30. This is Dave Ryan.
Good morning.

Look outside. You're gonna love
the day today. 85°. Mostly sunny.

Maybe a little bit of hazy sunshine
here and there.

Dad! Hey, Dad! Wait up!

Dad!

Dad!

Dad, wait up!

All right, even odds now, people!
Bet early and bet often.

Where the hell is he? Hey, hey, hey.

- Has anybody got the time?
- Yeah.

Ten after.

There he is!

Joe! Come on, man!

All right, Joe!

- We're with you, Joe!
- Take him, Joe!

Let's go! You want some?

No more bets.

Rope and dope his ass now!
What do you say?

- I can do this.
- Hit him with a left! Hit him with a right!

Be like Ali even though you're white!

I can do this.

Are we gonna fight or not?

- We're not.
- Say what?

Hey, Joe.

Sorry, man.

It's OK.

- I'll be damned.
- Scheffer!

Scheffer, get back here.
You're fighting him or you're fighting me.

OK. No, OK.

Let's go. Let's get it on. You and me.

I've worked out every day
for eight years, amigo.

Jazzercise.

Spinning.

Pilates.

- Advanced Pilates.
- Pilates? I'm going, Jeremy.

Have fun with that little tramp.
Everybody else has.

Wow. That's gotta hurt, huh?

Here, get up. I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to... Take a breath.

You better help him. It really hurts.

Pilates?

Beavis.

Very impressed.

Thank you. McKinney got lucky.

- How's that?
- I was just about to do this.

Good. That was good.

- Good job.
- Do you think I could've taken McKinney?

I think you just did.

What the hell...?

- You're in my spot.
- What are you gonna do? Beat me up?

Meg, Meg, Meg. Wait, wait.
Come on, give me a chance.

- Let go.
- I can't let go. I'm crazy about you.

You're crazy about me.

- You're crazy about me?
- Meg, Meg, Meg.

- You're crazy about me?
- I didn't fight McKinney. I didn't fight him.

OK?

I went to the school, and
I realised I'm not afraid any more.

I'm not afraid not to fight.

A parking space isn't worth fighting for.

You're worth fighting for.
You have a gift for helping.

I know because you saw something
in me when I lost sight of myself.

You're what I want.

I don't think there's anything
about you that I don't like.

My ears aren't perfectly even.

I like that.

- There's something else.
- What's that?

You really did cure me.

See?

No holes.

You put up one hell of a fight, Joe.

I think I'm ready for that dance.

Me too.

- Man, I blew it.
- I'll say!

- What a brick.
- There's nothing I can do about it now.

Sure there is. Start keeping
your damn elbow in.

What?

Now?

Come on.

Take a shot.

Elbow.

Go on up there.

Go on. Go on.

Take a bow!

Take a bow!