Jim Gaffigan: King Baby (2009) - full transcript

( blues music playing )

( crowd cheering )

YEAH YEAH YEAH
YEAH YEAH YEAH!

YEAH!

YEAH YEAH!

YEAH YEAH YEAH
YEAH YEAH YEAH!

YEAH YEAH YEAH YEAH
YEAH YEAH!

I JUST DO THIS FOR AN HOUR.
YEAH YEAH YEAH YEAH!

"THAT WAS THE WORST SHOW
I'VE EVER SEEN!

I PAID OVER $40.

AFTER THE SERVICE FEE,
IT WAS $90."



CONVENIENCE CHARGE?

CONVENIENT WAY
TO RIP US OFF.

( falsetto )
HE'S LIKE PEARL JAM.

HE'S TAKING ON THE MAN.

HEY, WAIT A MINUTE.
HE LOOKS LIKE THE MAN.

HE'S KIND OF PUDGY.
MAYBE HE ATE THE MAN.

I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT MAN
WE'RE TALKING ABOUT.

I THOUGHT HE'D BE PALER.

AT LEAST AS PALE AS THAT CD

WHERE HE LOOKS
LIKE A PEDOPHILE.

( cheering )

( falsetto )
WELL, HE WAS GOOD
IN "CAPOTE."

HOW LARGE IS HIS HEAD?

IS HE STORING ANOTHER HEAD
INSIDE OF THERE?



HE COULD BE A MASCOT.

HE COULD BE A MASCOT
FOR THE MORMONS.

I'M ALREADY SICK
OF THIS VOICE.

WHEN'S HE GONNA START
CRACKING IT?

( normal )
IT IS GREAT TO BE
HERE IN AUSTIN.

THANK YOU FOR COMING OUT.

( cheering )

GREAT TO BE HERE.

I'VE HAD SO MUCH FUN HERE.

I HAVE.
I WENT BOWLING.

I DON'T MEAN TO BRAG.

REALLY, THERE ARE TWO TYPES
OF PEOPLE THAT GO BOWLING.

THERE ARE PEOPLE THAT REALLY
REALLY LOVE BOWLING,

AND THEN THERE ARE PEOPLE
THAT ARE LIKE,

"WOULDN'T IT BE HYSTERICAL
IF WE WENT BOWLING?"

'CAUSE FOR MOST OF US

BOWLING IS
THE ACTIVITY YOU DO

AFTER YOU'VE DONE
EVERYTHING ELSE.

IT'S LIKE, "WELL,
WE COULD GO BOWLING

OR WE COULD
JUST HANG OURSELVES.

WHY DON'T WE GO BOWLING?"

NO ONE IS EVER JEALOUS WHEN
THEY HEAR YOU WENT BOWLING.

"OH, YOU WENT BOWLING?
GLAD I COULDN'T MAKE IT."

BOWLING'S GREAT.

YOU GOT TO LOVE A SPORT
YOU CAN EAT WHILE YOU PLAY IT.

NEVER SEE THAT IN TENNIS.
"HEY, BEFORE YOU SERVE,

LET ME DIG
INTO THESE NACHOS."

IT'S A DIFFERENT SPORT.

THERE'S AN ASHTRAY BUILT
INTO THE BOWLING EQUIPMENT.

POKER DOESN'T EVEN
HAVE THAT.

AND THAT HAND-DRYER THING?

IF YOU'RE SWEATING
WHILE YOU'RE BOWLING,

YOU'RE OUT OF SHAPE.

AND IF YOU'RE OUT OF SHAPE
AND YOU'RE BOWLING,

YOU'RE PROBABLY
A PROFESSIONAL BOWLER.

THERE'S NOTHING REALLY
HEALTHY ABOUT BOWLING.

IT HAS TO BE
THE GERMAPHOBE'S NIGHTMARE.

"HERE, PUT ON THESE MOIST SHOES
10,000 PEOPLE WORE

AND STICK YOUR FINGERS
IN THESE DIRTY HOLES.

NOW YOU HAVE THE FLU."

HOW DIRTY
ARE THOSE HOLES?

IT'S NOT LIKE THOSE
BALLS WEAR OUT.

THEY PROBABLY HAVEN'T
MANUFACTURED A BOWLING BALL

IN 1,000 YEARS.

SOMEONE'S OUT THERE IS USING
FRED FLINTSTONE'S RIGHT NOW.

( falsetto )
THAT IS PREPOSTEROUS.

( normal )
I DON'T OWN A BOWLING BALL

'CAUSE I'M NOT A WEIRDO.

"YEAH, I WANT TO VOLUNTEER
TO CARRY AROUND A 50-LB BALL.

CAN YOU PUT IT
IN A BIG UGLY PURSE?

THAT'S HOW I WANT
TO MEET THE LADIES."

"OH, COULDN'T HELP BUT NOTICE
YOU STARING AT MY PURSE.

IT'S FILLED
WITH A BIG BLUE BALL.

MIND IF I FOLLOW YOU
AROUND THE PARKING LOT?

I'LL JUST BE HUMMING."
( humming )

♪ BALL IN THE BAG.

THAT'S THE WORST
SONG EVER.

I ALWAYS HAVE TO PICK OUT
MY BOWLING BALL.

I CAN NEVER FIND
THE RIGHT ONE.

I'M LIKE,
"THIS ONE IS TOO HEAVY.

THIS ONE IS GOOD,
BUT IT'S PINK.

AND MY FINGERS DON'T FIT."

HOW DO THEY DECIDE
ON THOSE FINGER SIZES?

THEY'RE EITHER
FOR A FIVE-YEAR-OLD GIRL

OR THE INCREDIBLE HULK.

HOW BIG ARE SOME
PEOPLE'S FINGERS?

SOME GUY WEARING
A CATCHER'S MITT?

"YEAH, IT'S GOOD.

I CAN STILL CATCH THE GAME.
DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT."

THOSE BOWLING SHOES,
NO UPDATE THERE.

"YOU NEED
OUR SPECIAL SHOES

BEFORE YOU CAN ROLL
OUR MAGIC BALL."

SOME PEOPLE HAVE
THEIR OWN BOWLING BALL

AND THEIR OWN BOWLING SHOES
AND NO FRIENDS.

( falsetto )
THAT'S MEAN.

I CAN SAY THAT
'CAUSE I LIKE BOWLING.

I WATCH BOWLING ON TV,

'CAUSE I USE
MY TIME WISELY.

I SAW THIS COLLEGE-TEAM
CHAMPIONSHIP.

EACH TEAM HAD
THEIR OWN COACH.

WHAT KIND
OF STRATEGY ADVICE

IS A BOWLING COACH
GIVING?

"YOU KNOW WHAT?
THIS TIME, TIMMY,

I WANT YOU TO KNOCK DOWN
ALL THE PINS."

"ARE YOU SURE?"
"TRUST ME.

JUST DO IT, SON!"

THAT'S WEIRD.

BOWLING SEEMS SILLY,

YET WE ALL TAKE IT
VERY SERIOUSLY, RIGHT?

TILL WE GET THAT FIRST
GUTTER BALL WE'RE LIKE,

"LET ME SHOW YOU
HOW IT'S DONE."

( laughs )
"THIS IS A STUPID SPORT."

THERE'S FEW MOMENTS
IN LIFE

AS HUMILIATING
AS THAT GUTTER BALL.

THE WORST PART IS
THEN YOU HAVE TO MAKE

THAT TURN BACK
TO YOUR FRIENDS.

"THAT BALL'S BROKEN.

IT'S TILTED DOWN THERE."

YOU NEVER WANT
TO BE THE WORST BOWLER
OF THE GROUP

'CAUSE EVERYONE TREATS YOU
LIKE YOU HAVE CANCER.

"YOU CAN DO IT.

WE'RE PRAYING FOR YOU."

THE ADVICE STARTS:
"USE A HEAVIER BALL.

KEEP YOUR ARM STRAIGHT.
YOU SHOULD GET A VASECTOMY."

IF YOU'RE REALLY BAD
AT BOWLING LIKE ME,

THEY'LL ASK IF YOU WANT
THE BUMPERS UP.

IT'S NOT LIKE BOWLING'S
THAT COMPLEX ANYWAY.

"YOU WANT THE BUMPERS?
WE CAN GET RID OF THE PINS.

WHY DON'T YOU TAKE
THIS COLORING BOOK
AND SIT IN THE CORNER?"

BUT I LIKE BOWLING.
IT'S PERFECT FOR THE LAZY MAN.

NO OTHER SPORT
HAS A MACHINE

THAT ROLLS THE BALL
BACK TO YOU

AT ARM LEVEL.

"ALL RIGHT,
I'LL KEEP PLAYING.

IS THERE ANY WAY I CAN DO THIS
IN A CHAIR OR SOMETHING?"

I JUST PREFER
THE EASY WAY
IN LIFE. I DO.

I SEE AN ESCALATOR,
I GET EXCITED.

I'M LIKE, "SWEET!
ALL I'VE GOT TO DO
IS KEEP MY BALANCE."

PEOPLE LOOK SO BORED
ON ESCALATORS.

THEY'RE ALWAYS LIKE...
( sighs )

THEY SHOULD BE LIKE,
"I'M GOING UP STAIRS
WITHOUT MOVING MY LEGS!"

I LIKE TO PRETEND
I'M IN CHARGE OF
THE ESCALATOR.

TURN TO THE PEOPLE BEHIND ME,
"YOU GUYS FOLLOW ME.

STAND THERE,
KEEP THAT PACE."

EVER BEEN ON AN ESCALATOR
AND SOMEONE STARTS WALKING
UP BEHIND YOU?

I'M LIKE,
"SETTLE DOWN, WEIRDO.

THIS IS ONE OF
THE GOOD PARTS OF LIFE."

HOW ABOUT THOSE PEOPLE
THAT TAKE THE STAIRS

RIGHT NEXT TO
THE ESCALATOR?

"WHAT ARE YOU DRUNK?

THIS THING IS FREE.

YOU DON'T NEED
A TICKET."

THEY'RE ALWAYS LIKE,
"I'M TAKING THE STAIRS

'CAUSE I'M WATCHING
MY CHOLESTEROL."

THEN HALFWAY UP THEY ALWAYS
HAVE THAT LOOK IN THEIR EYES:

"I'VE MADE
AN ENORMOUS MISTAKE.

THESE STAIRS ARE HARD."

THE ESCALATOR DEFINITELY MAKES
YOU LOOK DOWN ON STAIRS.

"YOU'RE NOTHING MORE THAN
AN ORGANIZED HILL."

THE ONLY THING WORSE
THAN WALKING UP STAIRS

IS WALKING UP AN ESCALATOR
THAT'S NOT WORKING.

"WHAT'S THE POINT?
IT'S LIKE HAVING
A DEAD BUTLER."

COME ON.

( falsetto )
MY BUTLER DIED LAST WEEK.

WE ALL LOOK SO CONFUSED
WHEN WE ENCOUNTER

THE ESCALATOR
THAT'S NOT WORKING.

"HOW AM I SUPPOSED
TO GET UP THERE?

I'M TRAPPED!

HELP! HELP!"

I DON'T LIKE IT WHEN
THEY SEPARATE THE UP
AND THE DOWN ESCALATOR.

THEY DO THAT IN MALLS.
YOU'RE LIKE,

"HERE'S THE DOWN ESCALATOR,
WHERE'S THE UP?"

"OH, THAT'S CONVENIENTLY
LOCATED A MILE AWAY.

DID YOU BRING A CANOE?
'CAUSE THERE'S A RIVER."

IT ALSO AMAZING AFTER ALL
OUR TECHNOLOGICAL ADVANCEMENTS

WE STILL CAN'T GET
THE ESCALATOR HANDRAIL

TO GO THE SAME SPEED
AS THE ESCALATOR.

"LOOKS LIKE MY HAND'S GONNA
GET UP THERE BEFORE ME.

SEE YOU UP THERE, HAND.

I'D WAVE BUT I DON'T
HAVE A HAND."

THE MOVING SIDEWALK?

THAT'S LIKE THE COUSIN
OF THE ESCALATOR.

THOSE ARE SWEET.

THERE IS ALWAYS THAT MOMENT
WHEN I'M GETTING OFF

A MOVING SIDEWALK
WHERE I'M LIKE, "HOW DO
I WALK AGAIN?

I HAVEN'T DONE IT
IN LIKE 10'.

LEARNING TO WALK AGAIN."

YOU EVER FIND YOURSELF
WALKING ON A MOVING SIDEWALK?

YOU START PASSING PEOPLE.

FOR A SECOND,
DON'T YOU FEEL BIONIC?
YOU'RE LIKE, DUN-DUN-DUN.

"SEE YOU SLOWPOKES
AT THE CINNABON."
DUN-DUN-DUN.

"HE'S LIKE
A PROFESSIONAL WALKER.

HE'S LIKE 'WALKER,
TEXAS RANGER' WALKER."

( cheering )

HAVE YOU BEEN ON
THE MOVING SIDEWALK THAT
HAS THE ANNOUNCEMENT?

"SIDEWALK IS ENDING."

ARE WE THAT DUMB?

WERE THERE PEOPLE
STANDING AT THE END,

"THIS IS GOING
REAL SLOW NOW.

OH, IT STOPPED?

WHY DIDN'T THEY MAKE
AN ANNOUNCEMENT?

I DON'T HAVE TIME TO LOOK DOWN.
I'M BUSY DAYDREAMING HERE."

( falsetto )
THAT'S JUST WEIRD.

I WENT CAMPING RECENTLY
FOR THIS NEXT JOKE.

I MARRIED A WOMAN
WHO LOVES TO CAMP

AND I AM WHAT YOU
WOULD CALL INDOORSY.

I'M SURPRISED WE CAN STILL
GET PEOPLE TO CAMP.

"HEY, WANT TO BURN
A COUPLE OF VACATION DAYS

SLEEPING ON
THE GROUND OUTSIDE?"

UH, NO.

"WHAT IF I TOLD YOU YOU GET
TO CRAP STANDING UP
IN THE WOODS?"

I STILL WOULDN'T
WANT TO GO.

"YOU'LL WAKE UP FREEZING
COVERED IN A RASH."

ALL RIGHT, I'LL GO.

MY WIFE ALWAYS BRINGS UP,
"CAMPING IS A TRADITION
IN MY FAMILY."

HEY, IT WAS A TRADITION
IN EVERYONE'S FAMILY

TILL WE CAME UP
WITH THE HOUSE.

MY PARENTS NEVER
TOOK ME CAMPING.

YOU KNOW WHY?
'CAUSE THEY LOVED ME.

"IT'LL GET YOU
CLOSER TO NATURE."

I WANT TO KEEP
THE RELATIONSHIP PROFESSIONAL.

IF IT'S SO GREAT OUTSIDE

WHY ARE ALL THE BUGS
TRYING TO GET IN MY HOUSE?

SOME PLACES
YOU HAVE TO PAY TO CAMP.

YOU HAVE TO PAY
TO SLEEP OUTSIDE.

THAT'S GOT TO BE INSULTING
TO THE HOMELESS PEOPLE.

"HOW MUCH
THIS COST YOU?"

"I LIVE OUT HERE!"

"THAT MUST BE REALLY
EXPENSIVE."

OCCASIONALLY AT THE CAMPSITE
YOU'LL SEE THE WINNEBAGO.

THAT'S KIND OF CHEATING,
ISN'T IT?

"OH, THAT'S WHAT I FORGOT.
MY HOUSE."

THERE'S ALWAYS THAT ONE COUPLE
AT EVERY CAMPSITE

THAT'S BEEN CAMPING
FOR WAY TOO LONG.

THEY HAVE THE FOLDING CHAIRS,
THE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS IN JULY.

"WE'D LOVE TO HAVE
YOU FOR DINNER."

I'M SURE YOU WOULD.

NOW HOW DO I GET
A PADLOCK ON MY TENT

SO WE'RE NOT EATEN
BY MA AND PA DAHMER?

( falsetto )
HAPPY CAMPER.

HAS ANYONE EVER REALLY
BEEN A HAPPY CAMPER?

'CAUSE WHENEVER WE USE THAT
TERM WE'RE BEING SARCASTIC.

"HE IS NOT A HAPPY CAMPER."

WHY DON'T WE JUST
CALL HIM A CAMPER?

HE'S MISERABLE.
YOU KNOW WHO'S A HAPPY CAMPER?

THE GUY LEAVING
THE CAMPSITE.

HE'S THE HAPPIEST CAMPER.
HE GETS TO TAKE A SHOWER.

( falsetto )
HE RUINED CAMPING FOR ME.

TO BE FAIR,
IT IS BEAUTIFUL
DURING THE DAY.

BUT AT NIGHT
YOU'RE ALWAYS LIKE,
"WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!

THERE'S MONSTERS OUT THERE.
I SEE THEIR EYES."

I PROBABLY WOULDN'T
BE SO SCARED

IF I WASN'T
SLEEPING IN A BAG.

"HEY, LET'S PREPACKAGE OURSELVES
FOR THE SERIAL KILLER, HUH?

I CAN'T GET AWAY,
CAN YOU?"

"I CAN HOP FOR A LITTLE,
BUT I'M DEAD MEAT."

YOU EVER HAVE TO GO
TO THE BATHROOM IN THE MIDDLE
OF THE NIGHT?

YOU ALWAYS
LOOK AT YOUR FRIENDS,
"NICE KNOWING YOU.

ANYONE WANT TO COME
AND GET KILLED WITH ME

OR YOU WANT TO GET KILLED
LOOKING FOR ME?

WE'RE ALL DEAD."

IT'S NOT JUST SERIAL KILLERS.
THERE'S BEARS OUT THERE.

LAST TIME I WENT
I GOT THIS PAMPHLET

THAT SAID IF A BEAR APPROACHES
YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO PLAY DEAD.

REALLY?
WE'RE GONNA RELY ON
MY ACTING SKILLS?

PLAY DEAD?

WHO CAME UP WITH THAT?
MAYBE THE BEARS?

"PLAY DEAD,
COVER YOURSELF IN HONEY,

CLIMB ON
A LARGE WHITE PLATE.

DON'T TRY TO
RUN AWAY FROM US--

I MEAN, THE BEARS."

HOW DOES THAT EVEN WORK?

"THERE'S A BEAR.
UGH!

I HOPE THE BEAR THINKS
WE DIE STANDING UP."

AS IF BEARS HAVE
SOME ETHICAL CODE:

"I DON'T MESS
WITH DEAD BODIES.

I'M A BEAR,
NOT AN ANIMAL."

( falsetto)
THAT WAS THE WORST IMPRESSION
OF A BEAR EVER.

PLAY DEAD.

I'M NOT SAYING THAT STRATEGY
DIDN'T WORK ONCE.

BUT WHEN THEY FIND A BODY
THAT'S BEEN MAULED BY A BEAR,

HOW DO THEY KNOW THAT GUY
WASN'T PLAYING DEAD?

MAYBE HE WAS
THE BEST AT IT.

AND THE BEAR WAS LIKE,
"GREAT PERFORMANCE,

BUT I'M STARVING

AND HE LOOKS LIKE
A BURRITO."

WHY ARE WE EVEN CAMPING
WHERE THERE'S WILD ANIMALS?

THAT WOULDN'T
BE A SELLING POINT
FOR ANYTHING ELSE.

"IT'S A BEAUTIFUL
GOLF COURSE,

PLUS AROUND THE NINTH HOLE
THERE'S A PACK OF WOLVES.

IF THEY START RUNNING AT YOU,
JUST PLAY THROUGH."

THE ONLY THING
I LIKE TO DO OUTSIDE

IS LIE IN A HAMMOCK.

THAT'S ALL ABOUT
DOING NOTHING.

IT'S HARD TO DO ANYTHING
ONCE YOU GET IN A HAMMOCK

'CAUSE YOU CAN'T GET OUT.

IT'S LIKE A GIANT NET
FOR CATCHING LAZY PEOPLE.

"I CAN'T EVEN
DRINK IN THIS!"

ALL YOU CAN DO
IS RELAX.

YOU NEVER SEE SOMEONE
CRYING IN A HAMMOCK.

"MY LIFE IS--
OH, THIS IS DELIGHTFUL."

YOU EVER GET IN A HAMMOCK
WITH SOMEONE ELSE?

YOU'D BETTER
BE DATING THEM,

'CAUSE IT LOOKS
LIKE YOU'RE TRYING
TO START A FAMILY.

I GOT IN A HAMMOCK
WITH MY COUSIN,

HE STILL
WON'T TALK TO ME.

( falsetto )
HE MADE THE HAMMOCK
A DIRTY THING.

I HAVE A NICE BED.

I DON'T BELIEVE
IN MAKING THE BED THOUGH.

MY WIFE IS ALWAYS LIKE,
"WHY DON'T YOU EVER
MAKE THE BED?"

FOR THE SAME REASON
I DON'T TIE MY SHOES
AFTER I TAKE THEM OFF.

IT DOESN'T MAKE SENSE.

YOU KNOW?
WE'RE NOT PUTTING
THIS THING IN STORAGE.

HELL, I'M HOPING TO COME BACK
IN A COUPLE OF HOURS

AND I WOULD LIKE IT OPEN,

'CAUSE WHEN
OUR BED IS MADE

IT'S COVERED IN 40 PILLOWS

LIKE WE'RE
STOCKPILING AMMO

FOR THE GLOBAL
PILLOW FIGHT.

I ASK MY WIFE, I'M LIKE,
"WHAT'S THE DEAL WITH ALL
THESE PILLOWS?"

"THEY'RE FOR DECORATION."

HOW OFTEN ARE YOU GIVING
A TOUR OF OUR BEDROOM?

AND HAS ANYONE EVER BEEN
IMPRESSED BY PILLOWS?

LIKE SOMEONE'S GONNA
LEAVE YOUR BEDROOM,

"I DIDN'T KNOW
THEY WERE DOING THAT WELL.

THEY GOT LIKE 40, 50 PILLOWS
ON THAT BED.

THEY'RE ROLLING IN DOWN."

( falsetto )
PILLOW JOKES? REALLY?
IS THAT WHAT HE'S DOING?

I DIDN'T KNOW IT WAS
GOING TO BE SO EDGY.

I DIDN'T COME HERE
TO BE SHOCKED INTO LAUGHTER.

EXCUSE ME.

I HAD A BED DAY TODAY.
YOU EVER HANG OUT
IN BED ALL DAY?

ANYONE ELSE
DO HEROIN? NO?

( falsetto )
THAT'S NOT FUNNY.

THOSE BED DAYS
ARE THE BEST.

PEOPLE RARELY VOLUNTEER
THAT INFORMATION.

"SORRY I'M LATE.
I DIDN'T GET OUT OF BED
UNTIL 5:00 P.M."

"OH, WERE YOU SICK?"
"NO, I WAS IN HEAVEN.

JUST FANTASIZING ABOUT
BEING IN A COMA."

BREAKFAST IN BED.

BREAKFAST IN BED,
THAT IS A FANTASY.

'CAUSE IT GIVES YOU THE OPTION
OF GOING BACK TO SLEEP
WHEN YOU'RE DONE.

"IT WOULD BE RUDE
TO EAT AND RUN.

I SHOULD STICK AROUND,
SEE IF THERE'S LUNCH IN BED."

AND EATING WHILE YOU'RE
LYING DOWN IS BEAUTIFUL.

TOO BAD HOSPITALS HAVE
THAT SICKNESS REQUIREMENT,

'CAUSE I WOULD
CHECK IN MANANA.

"WHAT ARE YOUR SYMPTOMS?"

"I'M HUNGRY AND I COULD
GO FOR A NAP.

STAT."

OF COURSE WHAT MAKES BREAKFAST
IN BED SO SPECIAL

IS YOU'RE LYING DOWN
AND EATING BACON--

THE MOST BEAUTIFUL
THING ON EARTH.

- ( cheering )
- BACON.

BACON'S THE BEST.

EVEN THE FRYING OF BACON
SOUNDS LIKE APPLAUSE.

IT'S LIKE...
( imitates applause )

YAY, BACON!

YOU WANT TO KNOW
HOW GOOD BACON IS?

TO IMPROVE OTHER FOOD
THEY WRAP IT IN BACON.

IF IT WEREN'T FOR BACON,

WE WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
WHAT A WATER CHESTNUT IS.

"THANK YOU, BACON.
SINCERELY, WATER CHESTNUT III."

AND THOSE BITS OF BACON?

BITS OF BACON ARE
LIKE THE FAIRY DUST
OF THE FOOD COMMUNITY.

YOU DON'T WANT
THIS BAKED POTATO?

BRRRING!

NOW IT'S YOUR FAVORITE
PART OF THE MEAL.

NOT INTERESTED IN A SALAD?

BIPPITY-BOPPITY BACON!

I JUST TURNED IT
INTO AN ENTREE.

BUT ONCE YOU PUT BACON
IN A SALAD

IT'S NO LONGER A SALAD.

IT JUST BECOMES A GAME OF
FIND THE BACON IN THE LETTUCE.

IT'S LIKE YOU'RE
PANNING FOR GOLD.

"EUREKA!

BACON!"

NOT TOO MANY WAYS
TO PREPARE BACON.

YOU CAN EITHER FRY IT
OR GET BOTULISM.

IT'S AMAZING THE SHRINKAGE
THAT OCCURS.

YOU START WITH A POUND,
YOU END UP WITH A BOOKMARK.

REALLY THE ONLY BAD PART
ABOUT BACON

IS IT MAKES YOU THIRSTY
FOR MORE BACON.

I NEVER FEEL LIKE
I GET ENOUGH BACON.

AT BREAKFAST IT'S LIKE
THEY'RE RATIONING IT.

"HERE'S YOUR
TWO STRIPS OF BACON."

"I WANT MORE!

MORE BACON!"

WHENEVER YOU'RE
AT A BRUNCH BUFFET

AND YOU SEE THAT
BIG METAL TRAY FILLED
WITH THE 4,000 PIECES OF BACON,

DON'T YOU ALMOST EXPECT
A RAINBOW TO BE COMING
OUT OF IT?

"I FOUND IT!
I FOUND THE SOURCE
OF ALL BACON!"

THAT BACON TRAY IS ALWAYS
AT THE END OF THE BUFFET.

YOU REGRET ALL THE STUFF
ON YOUR PLATE.

"WHAT AM I DOING
WITH ALL THIS WORTHLESS FRUIT?

I SHOULD HAVE WAITED.

IF I HAD KNOWN YOU WERE HERE,
I WOULD HAVE WAITED.

I WOULD EAT
ONLY YOU, BACON."

BUT YOU CAN'T EAT ONLY BACON
'CAUSE IT'S TERRIBLE FOR YOU.

YOU KNOW BACON IS BAD
WHEN A HEALTHIER CHOICE
IS A DONUT.

BACON IS LIKE THE OPPOSITE
OF MEDICINE.

IT'S LIKE,
"TAKE THAT, LIPITOR.
I'M BACON."

WE'VE KNOWN BACON IS BAD
FOR US FOR THOUSANDS OF YEARS.

IT'S LITERALLY A RESTRICTION
ON ENTERING CERTAIN RELIGIONS.

"OUR RULES: NO KILLING,
NO CHEATING ON YOUR WIFE,
NO BACON--"

"WHOA WHOA WHOA.
WHAT WAS THAT LAST ONE?"

"NO BACON."

"I'M IN THE WRONG LINE.

IS THERE A BACON LINE
AROUND HERE?"

( falsetto )
HOW MANY BACON JOKES
IS THIS GUY GONNA DO?

I MEAN, I LIKE BACON,
BUT COME ON.

THE PIG IS
AN AMAZING ANIMAL.

YOU FEED A PIG AN APPLE,
IT MAKES BACON.

I FIND THAT IMPRESSIVE.

LET'S SEE MICHAEL PHELPS
DO THAT, HUH?

( cheering )

THE PIG-- THE PIG IS
TURNING AN APPLE--

ESSENTIALLY GARBAGE--

INTO BACON.

THAT'S MAGIC,

OR THE MOST SUCCESSFUL
RECYCLING PROGRAM EVER.

REALLY, THE PIG
IS MAN'S BEST FRIEND.

I LOVE DOGS,
BUT PIGS WOULD BE
GOOD COMPANIONS.

THEN WHEN THEY DIE,
YOU COULD HAVE A BARBECUE.

"SORRY YOUR PIG DIED.

CAN I COME OVER
FOR BREAKFAST...

AND HAVE SOME BACON?"

BACON IS THAT GOOD.

I BET IF YOU PUT BITS OF BACON
ON A STRIP OF BACON,

YOU COULD TRAVEL
BACK IN TIME.

IT'S LIKE
A TASTY VORTEX.

BE KIND OF REDUNDANT
FOR ME

'CAUSE I WOULD JUST TRAVEL
BACK TO WHEN I WAS EATING BACON.

IT WOULD BE A BACON-TO-BACON
TIME-SPACE CONTINUUM.

( falsetto )
THAT'S A NERDY-ASS
BACON JOKE.

FATBACK-- SUPPOSEDLY FATBACK
IS LIKE BACON ON STEROIDS.

I'VE NEVER TRIED FATBACK,

PROBABLY 'CAUSE
IT'S CALLED FATBACK.

I DON'T KNOW WHICH WORD
CREEPS ME OUT MORE--

FAT OR BACK.

WHY DON'T THEY JUST THROW IN
"HAIRY" WHILE THEY'RE AT IT?

"THIS IS SOME DELICIOUS
HAIRY FATBACK.

THAT REMINDS ME--
YOUR UNCLE CALLED."

( falsetto )
THAT'S GOTTA BE THE END
OF THE BACON JOKES.

I EVEN LIKE
THE NAME BACON.

YOU CAN'T TELL ME
THE SUCCESS OF KEVIN BACON

ISN'T SOMEHOW TIED
TO HIS NAME.

( cheering )

YOU'RE NOT GOING OUT TO SEE
A KEVIN HOT-DOG MOVIE.

"WHO'S IN THIS MOVIE?
KEVIN BACON?

SOUNDS GOOD."

BACON!
I LIKE MEAT, I DO.

I LIKE ALL KINDS OF MEAT,
EVEN BOLOGNA.

( falsetto )
I KNEW HE WAS WHITE TRASH.

I DON'T EVEN KNOW
IF BOLOGNA IS A MEAT.

I DON'T THINK MEAT'S SUPPOSED
TO CATCH ON FIRE LIKE THAT.

WHAT'S INTERESTING
ABOUT BOLOGNA-- IT'S NOT
JUST A MEAT, IT'S AN INSULT.

"THAT'S A BUNCH OF BOLOGNA.
YOU'RE FULL OF BOLOGNA."

THAT KIND OF IMPLIES
BOLOGNA MAKES YOU LIE.

I EAT BOLOGNA
ALL THE TIME...

OR MAYBE I DON'T.

MAYBE THAT'S JUST
THE BOLOGNA TALKING.

HAVE YOU SEEN THE BOLOGNA
THAT HAS THE OLIVES IN IT?

WHO IS THAT FOR?

"I LIKE MY BOLOGNA
LIKE A MARTINI--

WITH AN OLIVE."

I'LL HAVE
THE BOLOGNA SANDWICH, DIRTY.

EVERYTHING ABOUT
BOLOGNA IS SILLY.

WHO DECIDED ON THE PRONUNCIATION
OF THE WORD "BOLOGNA"?

"ALL RIGHT, HOW DO YOU WANT
TO PRONOUNCE THIS WORD?"
"BALONEY!"

"I DON'T KNOW IF YOU SAW,
THERE'S A 'G' IN THE WORD."

"I DON'T SEE
NO 'G' IN 'BALONEY.'"

"OKAY, THE WORD
DOES END WITH AN 'A.'"

"WE'RE GOING
WITH 'BALONEY'!

TRUST ME, I CAME UP
WITH 'COLONEL.'"

I AM TRYING TO BE
MORE RESPONSIBLE.

I'M A FATHER NOW.
THAT'S RIGHT.

I BECAME A PRIEST.
THANK YOU.

BLESS YOU.

IT'S INTERESTING.
WHEN I WAS SINGLE,

I NEVER REALLY SAW MYSELF
AS A FAMILY MAN,

BUT NOW THAT I'M MARRIED

AND I HAVE TWO
BEAUTIFUL CHILDREN,

IT'S REALLY
MADE ME APPRECIATE

BEING ALONE.

IT'S HARD.

MY DAUGHTER'S FOUR.
MY SON'S TWO.

I TELL YOU
IT'S EXHAUSTING

WATCHING MY WIFE
DO ALL THAT WORK.

SHE SHOULD
GET SOME HELP.

I CAN BARELY NAP
THROUGH THE SCREAMING.

MY WIFE DOES
DO EVERYTHING.

IT'S HARD TO COMPLAIN
AROUND THE MOTHER
OF A SMALL CHILD.

"YEAH, I DIDN'T GET
MUCH SLEEP LAST NIGHT."

"OH REALLY?
I SLEPT FOR A MINUTE.

AND I WAS BREASTFEEDING
DURING THAT MINUTE."

"THAT'S ROUGH.
CAN YOU GET ME A BEER?"

( falsetto )
HE IS A JERK.

TELL YA, EXPLAINING THINGS
TO MY KIDS

MAKES ME REALIZE
HOW LITTLE I KNOW.

RECENTLY MY SON POINTED
TO AN ANTENNA AND SAID,
"LOOK, DADDY, STICK!"

I SAID, "ACTUALLY,
THAT'S AN ANTENNA"

HE GOES,
"WHAT'S AN ANTENNA?"
"IT'S A STICK.

IT'S A SILVER STICK.
YOU NAILED IT, BUDDY."

I ALWAYS FEEL DUMB.

IT DOESN'T HELP THAT
MY WIFE SPELLS EVERYTHING
IN FRONT OF MY KIDS.

"DON'T TELL ANYONE ABOUT
THE I-C-E-C-R-E-A-M."

"WHO'S IN
THE EMERGENCY ROOM?

AND WHY DO I WANT
A DILLY BAR?"

'CAUSE YOU CAN'T SAY
THE WORDS "ICE CREAM"
IN FRONT OF A FOUR-YEAR-OLD.

THEY HEAR A COMMITMENT.
"YEAH, I'LL HAVE ICE CREAM."

"DADDY WAS JUST SAYING
THE WORDS 'ICE CREAM.'"

"I'LL HAVE IT RIGHT NOW.
CHOCOLATE."

I WENT TO A BIRTHDAY PARTY
FOR A FOUR-YEAR-OLD.

THAT WAS AWKWARD...

PROBABLY 'CAUSE
I WASN'T INVITED.

THE CAKE CAME OUT.
I LOVE HOW WE SERVE
ICE CREAM WITH CAKE.

"YOU KNOW WHAT'D BE GOOD
WITH THIS SUGAR BREAD?
SOME FROZEN SUGAR MILK.

LET'S GIVE IT
TO THE FOUR-YEAR-OLDS,
SEE HOW THEY RESPOND.

THEY'RE GOING CRAZY."

MY SON'S BEEN WALKING
FOR A WHILE.

IT'S AMAZING.
BABIES, THEY LEARN TO WALK

AND THEY'RE ALREADY
TRYING TO GET AWAY.

"TIME FOR A BATH."
( mimics laughter )

"WHERE ARE YOU GOING?
WHAT, YOU GOT AN ESCAPE CAR
OUTSIDE?

YOU CAN'T REACH THE DOORKNOB,
YOU ONLY KNOW US;

WHAT'S YOUR PLAN?"

THINK IT THROUGH,
BUDDY.

THINK IT THROUGH.

'COURSE IF YOU HAVE A BOY,
YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE
CIRCUMCISION QUESTION.

MEN LOVE THAT TOPIC.
"COULD YOU TALK ABOUT
SOMETHING ELSE

LIKE PRISON RAPE?
ANYTHING."

"CIRCUMCISION"
IS A SCARY WORD.

I LOOKED IT UP
IN THE DICTIONARY.
IT JUST SAID "OW!

FROM THE LATIN FOR 'AH!'"

WE WENT THROUGH WITH IT

ONLY 'CAUSE MY SON
REQUESTED IT.

IT IS PRETTY CRAZY.
OBVIOUSLY IT STARTED
AS A RELIGIOUS TRADITION,

CIRCUMCISION,
BUT HOW'D THEY EVEN
COME UP WITH THE IDEA?

WERE THERE A BUNCH
OF RELIGIOUS LEADERS GATHERED

AND ONE GUY WAS LIKE,
"ALL RIGHT, HOW SHALL
WE HONOR GOD?"

ANOTHER ONE'S GOING,
"I SAY WE DON'T EAT PORK."

"I DON'T KNOW.
I LIKE BACON.

ANYONE GOT
ANYTHING ELSE?"

"WHAT IF WE CUT OFF
PART OF OUR PENIS?"

"ALL RIGHT, NO PORK.
WE'LL GO NO PORK.

I WANT
THAT MAN REMOVED!"

MY WIFE TOLD ME
THAT IN THE BIBLE

ABRAHAM
CIRCUMCISED HIMSELF.

WOW.

I CAN'T EVEN GET TO THE BANK
BEFORE IT CLOSES.

ABRAHAM DID IT.
GOD TOLD HIM TO DO IT.

I WOULD'VE LOVED
TO HAVE OVERHEARD
THAT CONVERSATION.

"ABRAHAM."
"OH HEY, GOD.
HOW ARE YOU DOING?"

"I NEED YOU TO DO
SOMETHING FOR ME."
"SURE, YOU'RE GOD."

"I NEED YOU TO
CIRCUMCISE YOURSELF."

"I THINK WE GOT
A BAD CONNECTION.

COULD YOU SEND ME AN EMAIL?
ARE YOU ON FACEBOOK YET?"

I TELL YOU THOSE CHALLENGES
IN THE BIBLE

TOOK A LEAP
IN DIFFICULTY.

"DON'T EAT THIS APPLE.
BUILD ME A BOAT.

CUT OFF PART
OF YOUR PENIS."

"WHAT IF I BUILD YOU
TWO BOATS?"

HOW DID ABRAHAM
EVEN TELL HIS WIFE?

MAYBE HE DIDN'T.
HE WAS JUST GETTING
OUT OF THE SHOWER,

SHE WAS LIKE,
"WHAT THE HELL
HAVE YOU DONE?"

"HONEY,
I CAN EXPLAIN.

GOD TOLD ME TO DO IT."

"IF GOD TOLD YOU
TO JUMP OFF A BRIDGE--

IF GOD TOLD YOU
TO SACRIFICE OUR FIRST--"

"ACTUALLY, I HAVE TO TALK
TO YOU ABOUT THAT ONE."

YEAH, ABRAHAM,
HE WENT THROUGH THE WRINGER.

IT'S NOT LIKE JESUS
HAD A CAKEWALK THOUGH.

YOU THINK JESUS EVER TRIED
TO TALK GOD OUT OF SOME
OF THAT STUFF?

"HEY, DAD, YOU KNOW THAT WHOLE
CRUCIFIXION THING?"

"YES, YOU'RE DYING ON THE CROSS
FOR ALL MANKIND'S SINS."

"YEAH YEAH, HEAR ME OUT.

WHAT IF INSTEAD OF THAT
WE DID A BIG FUNDRAISER?"

"NO. NOW GET CRACKING
ON YOUR MIRACLES."

JESUS PERFORMED
SO MANY MIRACLES.

DO YOU THINK THE CARPENTRY
EVER CAME UP WHEN HE WAS
DOING THE MIRACLES?

"JESUS, IF YOU COULD CURE
OUR SON'S BLINDNESS--

AND WE'D LOVE SOME
SHELVES RIGHT HERE.

I DON'T KNOW IF YOU
WANT TO DO THE BLINDNESS,
THEN THE SHELVES.

WE NEED THE SHELVES
BY TUESDAY.

OF COURSE WE'D LOVE OUR SON
TO SEE THOSE SHELVES."

POPEYE'S IS MY FAVORITE
FRIED CHICKEN.

I LOVE POPEYE'S.
I LOVE THAT NAME.

"OH, I GET IT.
POPEYE WAS A SAILOR

AND YOUR FOOD GOES
THROUGH ME LIKE A TORPEDO.

THAT MAKES SENSE.

POPEYE ATE SPINACH
AND NOW I HAVE DYSENTERY.

POPEYE HAD MUSCLES;
I CAN'T STAND UP."

MAYBE THEY'RE NOT TALKING ABOUT
THE CARTOON CHARACTER POPEYE.

MAYBE THEY'RE TALKING ABOUT
WHAT HAPPENS TO YOUR EYES
AFTER YOU EAT THE FOOD.

"I GOTTA GO
TO THE BATHROOM."

I EAT THE FAST FOOD, I DO.

IT'S AMAZING HOW OUR ATTITUDE
ON FAST FOOD CHANGES.

WHEN YOU'RE A KID
IT'S YOUR FAVORITE PLACE,

BUT AS AN ADULT
YOU LOOK AT FAST FOOD

LIKE SOMEONE
YOU USED TO DATE.

"I CAN'T BELIEVE
I EVER WENT THERE."

THEN THE NEXT NIGHT,
"WELL, IT'S LATE...

AND I'M DRUNK SO..."

WE'RE ALL SO EMBARRASSED
TO EAT FAST FOOD.

YOU EVER GO IN THERE,
EVERYONE'S SITTING
BY THEMSELVES,

THEY'RE HUNCHED OVER

WEARING A SKI MASK?

"DON'T TELL MY WIFE
I'M HERE!"

THEY KNOW WE'RE EMBARRASSED
TO EAT FAST FOOD.

THAT'S WHY THEY INVENTED
THE DRIVE-THRU.

"LOOK, NO ONE HAS TO SEE YOU.
JUST DRIVE AROUND BACK.

WE'LL HAND IT
OUT THE WINDOW."

THAT DRIVE-THRU'S
PRETTY CONVENIENT, RIGHT?

EXCEPT FOR THAT FINAL STRETCH
FOR YOUR FOOD.

YOU'RE LIKE, "CAN YOU BRING
YOUR BUILDING CLOSER

TO MY CAR?
DO I HAVE TO DO EVERYTHING?

WHAT A PAIN IN THE ASS!"

( falsetto )
WHY IS HE REACHING OUT
THE PASSENGER SIDE OF THE CAR?

THESE FAST FOOD PLACES
ARE SO FAST AND EASY,

THEY'VE RUINED ME
FOR REGULAR RESTAURANTS.

WHENEVER I'M IN
A REGULAR RESTAURANT,
I'M ALWAYS LIKE,

"LET'S SEE. I WILL
ORDER THE HAMBURGER.
WHERE IS IT?"

"SIR, HOW WOULD YOU LIKE
YOUR HAMBURGER DONE?"

"RIGHT NOW.
WHERE IS IT?

AND CAN YOU WRAP IT
IN PAPER

SO I FEEL LIKE
I'M OPENING A PRESENT?

OR MAYBE PUT IT
IN A STYROFOAM CLAM SHELL

AND PRESENT IT
LIKE AN ENGAGEMENT RING?

I DO."

TOO BAD ALL THE FOOD
AT FAST FOOD PLACES IS
SO BAD FOR YOU.

I LOVE HOW THERE'S THE OPTION
OF A MILKSHAKE.

"I SHOULDN'T,
BUT I'M IN A HURRY,
SO I'LL GET A BURGER AND FRIES

AND TO DRINK,

I'LL HAVE THE LARGE CUP
OF MELTED ICE CREAM.

DO YOU HAVE AN E.K.G. MACHINE
BACK THERE?"

MOST RESTAURANTS
TRY AND SET A MOOD.

YOU GO IN THERE,
YOU'RE LIKE,

"I FEEL LIKE I'M
IN A TUSCAN VILLA."

FAST FOOD PLACES
ARE BRIGHTLY LIT,
SMELL LIKE DISINFECTANT.

THE FURNITURE'S
BOLTED DOWN.

"WHERE AM I,
A MENTAL INSTITUTION?

WE GOTTA GET OUT
OF HERE!"

I LOVE THE FAST FOOD.

I DO WISH I WAS THERE
WHEN THEY DECIDED

ON THE SIZE
OF THOSE KETCHUP PACKETS.

I'M NOT SAYING
I NEED A GALLON,

BUT MAYBE ENOUGH
FOR MORE THAN ONE FRY.

I ALWAYS END UP OPENING 20.
I LOOK LIKE A HEROIN ADDICT.

"I'M GONNA PARTY
ONCE I GET SET UP HERE!"

HAS ANYONE EVER USED
JUST ONE KETCHUP PACKET?

"DO YOU HAVE A HALF
OF A QUARTER OF AN OUNCE
OF KETCHUP?

IT'S JUST SO DARN RICH.

I NEED
A RESEALABLE PACKET,

ONE THAT I COULD STORE
IN MY PURSE."

THEY ALWAYS GIVE YOU
THREE PACKETS.

WHEN YOU GO BACK UP
AND ASK FOR MORE,

THE GUY HANDING THEM OUT
ALWAYS TREATS YOU

LIKE YOU'RE TAKING
FROM HIS PERSONAL STASH.

"LOOKS LIKE MY KIDS
AREN'T HAVING KETCHUP TONIGHT.

ENJOY, KETCHUP GLUTTON."

SOMETIMES PRINTED
ON THE KETCHUP PACKET
IT WILL SAY "NOT FOR RESALE."

I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW
THAT WAS AN ISSUE.

I'VE BEEN TO A LOT
OF FLEA MARKETS--
NO KETCHUP PACKETS.

YOU KNOW WHAT? IF YOU'RE
IN A POSITION WHERE YOU HAVE
TO SELL KETCHUP PACKETS,

I DON'T THINK
THAT'S GONNA HOLD YOU BACK.

"WE NEED MONEY.
MAYBE WE SHOULD SELL
THESE KETCHUP PACK--

OH, WE CAN'T.
IT SAYS 'NOT FOR RESALE.'

DANG IT!"

IF YOU'RE LUCKY,
YOU'LL GET A KETCHUP PACKET

THAT'S LABELED
AS FANCY KETCHUP.

KETCHUP,
YOU'RE BEING MODEST.

YOU'RE WAY MORE
THAN FANCY.

YOU'RE ELEGANT.

I KNOW IT'S ALL RELATIVE,

BUT WHAT KIND OF LIFE
ARE YOU LEADING WHERE YOU
CONSIDER KETCHUP FANCY?

"WELL, WE AIN'T RICH FOLK,
BUT ON SPECIAL OCCASIONS,

I'LL BREAK OUT
THE KETCHUP.

GRANDMA'S BIRTHDAY,

MAKE HER FEEL
LIKE A CELEBRITY."

( falsetto )
KETCHUP.

SOME FAST FOOD PLACES,
THEY HAVE THAT KETCHUP PUMP.

IT'S LIKE A KEG.

THEY GIVE YOU
THE PAPER SHOT GLASS.

I ALWAYS LIKE
TO HANG AROUND THERE,
TRY AND MEET THE LADIES.

"HERE,
I'LL PUMP FOR YOU.

YOU COME TO THIS
WENDY'S OFTEN?

MY ROOMMATE AND I,
WE GOT A PONY PUMP BACK
AT MY DORM.

HERE'S AN EXTRA SHOT
FOR YOUR CUTE FRIEND."

HOW MANY SHOTS
OF KETCHUP DO YOU GET?

I USUALLY GET, LIKE, THREE,
BUT IF I'VE HAD A BAD DAY,
I'LL GET FIVE.

MY WIFE THINKS I'M TRASH
'CAUSE I USE A LOT OF KETCHUP

ON MY SUSHI.

I FIND IT GETS RID
OF THE FISH FLAVOR.

HOW ABOUT THOSE PEOPLE
THAT DON'T USE KETCHUP?

WHAT ARE THEY CALLED AGAIN?
AL QAEDA? UGH!

( falsetto )
KETCHUP.

THE UPSIDE-DOWN BOTTLE
OF KETCHUP, HAVE YOU
SEEN THAT?

DON'T YOU THINK
IT'S A LITTLE EMBARRASSING

HOW LONG IT TOOK
US TO COME UP WITH
THE UPSIDE-DOWN BOTTLE?

IT WAS ONLY,
LIKE, SIX MONTHS AGO.

SOME GUY WAS LIKE,
"YOU KNOW...

WE ONLY USE IT LIKE THIS.

WHY DON'T WE JUST PUT
THE CAP ON THE BOTTOM?"

"HAVE PEOPLE
BEEN COMPLAINING

KETCHUP IS HARD
TO GET OUT OF THE BOTTLE?"

"FOR, LIKE, 100 YEARS."

"I'LL TALK
TO OUR GRAVITY EXPERTS."

KETCHUP.

( falsetto )
I NEVER THOUGHT
I'D MISS A BACON JOKE.

SALSA IS LIKE
THE MEXICAN KETCHUP.

MARINARA'S
THE ITALIAN KETCHUP,

AND BRITISH FOOD
IS TERRIBLE.

ACTUALLY VINEGAR
IS THE BRITISH KETCHUP.

HOW BAD IS YOUR FOOD

WHEN ADDING VINEGAR
IMPROVES IT?

YOU KNOW WHAT
I USE VINEGAR FOR?
CLEANING WINDOWS.

( falsetto )
THE BRITISH ARE
OUR ONLY ALLIES.

WHY WOULD HE BE
SO RECKLESS

WITH HIS EDGY
KETCHUP JOKES?

YOU GUYS LOVE
THE HOT SAUCE DOWN HERE,
DON'T YOU?

( cheering )

YOU EVER NOTICE PEOPLE
THAT ARE REALLY INTO HOT SAUCE
ARE ALWAYS CHALLENGING YOU?

"HEY, WHY DON'T
YOU GET THE SUPER HOT
FIRE-ENGINE SAUCE?"

"'CAUSE I DON'T FEEL LIKE
THE SUPER HOT FIRE-ENGINE
DIARRHEA.

HOW ABOUT THAT
FOR A REASON, HUH?

I'M NOT INTO
WEARING DIAPERS, OKAY?"

SPEAKING OF DIAPERS,
I WENT TO WAFFLE HOUSE
LAST NIGHT.

I'LL TELL YOU,
I THOUGHT THE IHOP
WAS A DUMP

UNTIL I WENT
INTO A WAFFLE HOUSE.

THEY'RE NOT EVEN TRYING
IN THERE.

HERE'S SOMETHING YOU'LL
NEVER HEAR IN A WAFFLE HOUSE:

"NICE JOB CLEANING UP!"

NOW IF YOU'VE NEVER BEEN
TO A WAFFLE HOUSE,

JUST IMAGINE
A GAS-STATION BATHROOM

THAT SELLS WAFFLES,

AND YOU'VE BEEN
TO A WAFFLE HOUSE.

I LOVE WAFFLE HOUSE.

AND NOT JUST 'CAUSE
WATCHING SOMEONE FRY AN EGG

WHILE THEY'RE SMOKING
REMINDS ME OF MY DAD.

IT'S THE PEOPLE IN THERE.
IT'S LIKE A WHITE-TRASH
CONVENTION,

OR FOR ME
A FAMILY REUNION.

IT'S SO WHITE TRASH
IN THERE,

IT MAKES THE IHOP
APPEAR INTERNATIONAL.

I'VE SEEN A GUN
FIVE TIMES IN MY LIFE.

THREE OF THEM HAVE BEEN
IN WAFFLE HOUSE.

THERE'S DEFINITELY
A DANGEROUS FEEL TO 'EM.

EVEN THE WAFFLE HOUSE SIGN
LOOKS LIKE A RANSOM NOTE.

THERE'S ALWAYS A LETTER OUT.
OCCASIONALLY IT'LL BE THE "W,"

SO IT'LL READ
"AFFLE HOUSE."

"THAT'S WHERE I WANNA GO
AT 2:00 A.M."

THAT'S WHEN EVERYONE GOES.

THEIR SLOGAN SHOULD BE,
"IT'S 2:00 A.M.,

STILL TIME TO MAKE
ONE MORE BAD DECISION."

YOU GO IN THERE,

EVERYONE'S DRUNK.

YOU KNOW EVERYONE'S DRUNK
IN WAFFLE HOUSE

'CAUSE THEY HAVE PICTURES
OF THE FOOD ON THE MENU.

HOW DRUNK DO YOU
HAVE TO BE TO NOT REMEMBER

WHAT A WAFFLE
LOOKS LIKE?

"OH, YEAH,
IT'S LIKE A PLAID PANCAKE."

"I'LL HAVE 12 OF THOSE
FOR A NICKEL."

YOU EVER GO INTO
WAFFLE HOUSE DURING THE DAY?

THAT'S WEIRD.

"THIS PLACE
LOOKS FAMILIAR.

I THINK I THREW UP
IN HERE.

OH, THERE IT IS."

ALL RIGHT, THAT IS ALL.
THANK YOU SO MUCH, YOU GUYS.