Jerry and Tom (1998) - full transcript

♪ Call me irresponsible

♪ Call me unreliable

♪ Throw in

♪ Undependable too

♪ Do my foolish alibis

♪ Bore you

♪ Well, I am too clever

♪ I just adore you

♪ Call me unpredictable

♪ Tell me, I'm impractical ♪

♪ Rainbows,



♪ I'm inclined to pursue

♪ Call me irresponsible

♪ Yes, I'm unreliable

♪ But it's undeniably true ♪

♪ That I am

♪ Irresponsibly mad

♪ For you

You want us to take the hood off for a while?

No thanks.

Could be a while. Make it easier to breathe.

I'm okay.

Suit yourself.

What are we waiting for?

Phone to ring.



Why not just do him?

We're supposed to wait until we get the call.

And what, just sit here?

That's right.

All I'm saying is, we could just do him now

and get it over with.

We do him now, the phone rings,

there's been a mistake.

There's been a change of plans.

Then what?

Too fucking bad, I say.

You're anxious.

So fucking what?

Hey, Stan, you're anxious to get this over with?

Not especially.

See, Stan's not anxious.

- So what?
- I'm anxious.

So fucking what?

Anxious is not good.

I just don't want to sit here and dwell on this.

Jerry, put a couple more quarters in the jukebox,

clip your nails, I don't care, something.

Christ.

You know any good jokes?

Not at the moment, no.

I got one.

You got a joke?

This grasshopper walks into a bar.

The bartender says,

"you know, we got a drink named after you."

The grasshopper goes

"what, you got a drink named Kevin?"

I don't fucking get it.

Grasshopper named Kevin.

That's a good one, Stan.

That joke is for shit.

I say we do him now.

I got another one.

Let's hear it.

A guy walks into a doctor's office

with a duck on his head.

Doctor says, "may I help you?"

Duck says, "yeah.

Anyway you can get this guy off my ass?"

Guy off my ass.

It's not even remotely funny.

Guy off my ass, my ass.

Tell another one, Stan. You crack me up.

Uh...

This penguin walks into a bar.

A penguin?

Yeah, a penguin.

Why can't it be something else,

like, no offense, Tom,
like a Polack or something?

Because on this particular day,

it happened to be a penguin

that walked into the bar.

Okay, go ahead.

Anyway, this penguin walks into a bar

and orders a scotch on the rocks.

The bartender can't believe his eyes.

He goes back to his boss and says,

"you're not gonna believe this,

but a penguin just walked in here

and ordered a scotch on the rocks."

How's he gonna drink it?

Slowly.

Penguins don't have hands.

Ducks don't talk and grasshoppers

aren't named Kevin.

Jerry, it's just a fucking joke.

I understand it's just a joke, Tom,

but even a joke has to be remotely possible,

am I right?

Maybe he drinks it with his flippers.

His flippers?

Yeah.

Okay.

Go ahead.

So the bartender goes back to his boss

and says, "you're not gonna believe this,

but a penguin just walked in here

and ordered a scotch on the rocks."

The boss goes, "charge him 4 bucks."

The bartender goes back,
pours the penguin a drink

and says, "that will be 4 bucks."

The penguin pays it.

Where does he keep his money?

In his wallet like everybody else.

Okay, if you say so.

The penguin sits there drinking his scotch,

slowly, with his flippers.

Suddenly the bartender says--

I heard this one.

You heard this one?

Yeah, I heard this one.

There's the phone.

You want me to finish the joke?

You gonna answer it?

Yeah.

You want me to answer it?

No, it's okay. I'll get it.

Answer the phone, Tom.

You want I should finish the joke or what?

Forget about the fucking joke, Stan.

Okay.

Answer the phone, Tom.

Tom, answer the fucking phone.

Hello?

Kovachy Motors.

May I ask who's calling?

I'm not here, Jerry.

Bruce.

Jerry, I'm not here.

He's not here right at the moment.

Where are the fuck are
those titles, for Christ's sake?

No, that was not him yelling in the background.

I told you he's not here.

Right at the moment he's out.

Just tell him I'll call him back, all right?

He says he'll call you back.

No, when he gets back.

I mean, he'll call you soon as soon he gets back.

Right.

Okay.

I'll be sure and tell him.

Here they are.

Right in front of my fat fucking face.

Bruce says to tell you,

you should call him tonight

at home about that thing.

What thing?

I don't know, he didn't say.

- You didn't ask him?
- No.

When a guy tells you

he wants me to call him about a thing,

you endeavor to find out specifically

what the thing is.

I thought you'd know.

What am I, a fucking mind reader?

Just ask him next time.

Next time I will.

I'll be sure-- I'll be sure to ask.

Oh, when Tom comes in,

tell him to give me a call at home

when he gets through with the thing.

What thing?

The thing.

Don't ask so many goddamn questions, kid.

Just tell him.

He'll know what I'm talking about.

And another thing,

you want to keep your job?

- Yeah.
- Get a haircut.

Tom.

Hey, Tom.

Thanks, Tom. I'll get the next one.

Tom?

Yeah, Karl.

You remember my nephew, Franky Buttikowski?

I went to school with his-- his brother Chris.

Franky... Buttikowski.

He always liked you, Tom.

He used to follow you around when he was a kid.

Had kind of a temper, used to get into trouble.

- Yeah, I remember Franky.
- Yeah.

He used to make me carry
around this fucking brick.

Every day I forget the brick at home,

he smacks me upside the head,

takes my lunch money, and just fucking--

Franky?

His brother Chris, he went to school with me.

Anyway, Franky's got this bar in uptown.

He's having some trouble with some guys.

So one night they drag
him out from behind the bar,

take him outside-- out front, mind you--

Now keep in mind these are Southside guys,

guys from like Lansing or Harvey,

practically Indiana for Christ's sake.

They got no respect there whatsoever.

They just show up...

Where the hell do you
jackoffs think you're taking me?!

What are you lookin' at, dipshit?

Two of the guys hold him down on the sidewalk,

s third guy, fucking cocksucker

bites Franky's nose off.

Jesus.

Wait a minute, he bites Franky's nose off?

Right the fuck off.

You can't do that. You can't do that to a guy.

As you can imagine, this is
very upsetting to my family,

to my sister.

Her boy is maimed, maimed for life.

So what happened to his nose?

Jerry.

So my sister--

Here, you drive.

Tom, you know, my sister,

she's calling me day and night, day and night.

Franky, he's still in the hospital

and the doctor, fucking doctor--

Man, don't get sick.

Tom--

So what happened to his nose?

Uh, the guy spits it out,
the cops look around for it,

they find it laying on the sidewalk.

They take it over to the hospital,

they sew it back on.

They can do that?

They can sew it back on his face?

Yeah, only it doesn't take.

Nice.

What do you mean "doesn't take"?

Uh, nerve endings or something.

The thing turns green, then it turns black,

they got to take it back off.

So how's he gonna breathe?

The holes are still there, Jerry.

What holes?

The-- what do you call? The sinus passages.

So what?

Now he's gonna through
life with a couple of holes

in his face instead of a nose?

They're gonna make him a new one.

Out of what, plastic?

Out of a piece of his ass.

You are fucking kidding me.

They take some tissue out of his buttocks

and they make a nose out of it.

And they-- how-- who the fuck knows?

Doctors, but they're gonna
make him a brand new nose.

Out of a piece of his ass.

Jesus H. Christ.

Will it be, you know, noticeable?

At this point in time how the fuck

does anybody know?

I mean, there could be scars.

At the very least.

They have to get it exactly right,

the shape, the coloring.

How's anybody ever gonna
look him straight in the face?

- Jerry. - He can
end up with an
unpleasant nickname.

I mean this is his nose we're talking about.

You don't just bite a guy's nose off,

spit it out like a piece of bad hot dog.

It just isn't done.

Not to mention, out front.

- Out front?
- Out front of his place.

What's that got to do with anything?

Well, first off, you don't do a thing like this,

but if you do, say, you had to

for some unforeseen reason--

You do it out back.

That's right, you do it out back.

Out front, out back?

I would never do a thing like that,

put a guy's nose in my mouth.

I don't know where the fuck it's been.

Tom, my sister, she's very upset.

She's under sedation.

You want me to look into it?

- Would you?
- Certainly.

Thank you, Tom.

Don't mention it.

I got to clean out this backseat sometime.

You're gonna eat the rest of those fries?

Nah. Go for it, kid.

I thought you ate already.

I did.

Thanks.

You could have stayed at the office.

I'd have brought you something.

I don't mind.

I been cooped up there
answering the phone all day.

Yeah, well, Billy ain't gonna like it.

Billy ain't gonna like what? That I come with?

Yeah, that you come with, he ain't gonna like it.

What's he not gonna like about it, Tom?

Well, he's moody.

Too fucking bad.

I'll bring him a strawberry shake,

he loves those fucking strawberry shakes.

I got a funny feeling about this.

Funny feeling about what?

- Jerry?
- What?

Chew with your mouth closed, could you?

All of a sudden I just got this funny feeling.

You know what I mean, Tom?

Yeah, Karl, I know what you mean.

Can we talk about this, Tom?

No, Karl, I don't think that we can.

We can talk, Tom.

We're friends.

We can talk this thing through.

I don't think so, Karl.

Well, you can listen for a minute.

Listen to my side of the story, am I right?

I'm sorry, Karl.

We bowl together.

Our wives are best friends.

We go back, we got history.

Yes, we do.

Hey, what can I say?

Oh, Jesus.

Oh, Christ, Tommy, no.

♪ Tell it to me one more time ♪

♪ I can never hear enough ♪

♪ While I got you near

♪ Say those words again that you just did ♪

I fuckin' hate it when they see it coming.

You okay, kid?

Yeah.

Hey, look at me.

You okay with this?

Yes.

The only thing is--

Only thing is what?

I think I'm gonna be sick.

Oh, well, that's--

that's perfectly all right with me.

Maybe you ought to get out of the car first.

You want me to get out of the car?

Well, if you're gonna be sick

I'll prefer if you get out of the car first, yes.

Hey, Jerry?

Yeah, Tom.

You want some help?

You want me to hold your head or something?

No, I'll manage.

You wanted to come along.

This was your idea. I
tried to talk you out of it.

I know.

I could have brought you something.

It's okay.

Billy's gonna be pissed at me.

You tried to talk me out of coming with you, Tom.

I wouldn't fucking listen.

Well, go ahead, stick your fingers

down your throat if you have to.

Get it all out.

I will, Tom.

You'll feel better.

I'm sure I will.

John Hinckley,

the man accused of shooting

President Ronald Reagan and three others in 1981

was found not guilty by reason of insanity

in a Washington superior court earlier today.

Before further sentencing,

Hinckley will be remanded

to the federal psychiatric hospital

in Bethesda, Maryland, for further--

Hey, Billy.

Anybody call while I was out?

Yeah, - this guy Stan called.
- Stan?

Hey, Billy, they just found that Hinckley guy

not guilty by reason of insanity.

That's bullshit.

Here you go, Billy.

I just heard it on the news a second ago.

Fuck that, you'd have to be
insane not to shoot Reagan.

But he's the President.

Don't get started with me, kid.

Did you put the stickers on the Diplomat

like I told you?

Go do it.

This kid working out okay?

Yeah, he's a good kid.

Gets on my nerves.

You know what your problem is, Vic?

You got no patience for this younger generation.

I don't know. Maybe you're right.

The kid really gets on my fucking nerves.

Convertible. See?

Nice.

Oh, yeah, this is a honey.

Maybe we should take a
look at that Charger over there.

Charger?

Baby, you got to be kidding.

No, you don't want to look at that Charger.

Why not? It looks sporty to me.

You want to talk sporty?

Check this out. Whoa.

Now you take a look at how clean this puppy is.

I'm sorry, what's your name again, honey?

Sandra. Sandra. Of course.

Now do you mind if I borrow your hand

for a second there, Sandra?

Okay.

Now, Brad, at this point if you were to ask me,

I'd have to say two things.

One, Sandra has absolutely lovely hands,

and two...

that is one clean engine block.

And I think you'd have to agree with me

on both counts, am I right?

I'd say so.

I'd say so, okay.

So look, why don't we go inside the office

and see if we can work something out, huh?

Mm-hmm.

Now, you go easy on my boss Billy, okay?

Because the guy is a real pussy cat.

Hey, Tom.

Yeah, Jerry.

I thought I told you to hang
on to that Firebird for me.

Oh, I think that car is too rich

for your blood, Jerry.

I think you might want
to check out that old Pinto

in the back.

That Firebird is cherry.

Yeah, well, you'll have
to fight big Brad for it now,

Jerry.

So we come all the way

to Kenosha fuckin' Wisconsin to see a movie?

Not hardly.

What?

I said not hardly.

I hate these out of town jobs.

We didn't come here to see a movie?

What did I just say?

Are we-- are we waiting on someone?

That's right.

We're waiting on someone in particular?

Yeah.

Who?

What is this, 20 fucking questions?

I'm just curious.

Jerry, are you familiar with the expression

"curiosity strangled the cat"?

I always thought it was
"curiosity killed the cat."

God lives in the details, Jerry.

What?

Take off that jag-off hood and you can hear me.

Hey, Tom, um, can I ask you something?

What?

How many, you know, jobs

you figure you do in, say, an average year?

I don't know, one, maybe two,

in a busy year, sometimes three.

That's it?

Believe me, that's plenty.

Awright, you stay here.

You ain't gonna let me come in and see the movie?

I told you, Jerry, we're not here

to see a goddamn movie.

I understand that, Tom.

But I figured maybe I could come in with you.

It's pretty cold out here.

All right, here.

Sit in the car and turn on the heater.

Whatever you say, Tom.

But I'd kind of like to come with.

You're aware of what you're asking?

You're not gonna get in the way?

I swear.

We're not here to watch a movie.

I know.

Got powdered sugar on your mouth.

All right, let's go.

Don't look at me like that.

Deb and I had a fight.

What else is new?

Fuck, this was a bad one.

- How bad?
- She threw the phone at me.

Don't fucking kiss me,
all right? Did she connect?

Missed me by this much.

Well, you got nothing to worry about.

When they stop throwing stuff,

that's when you got to start worrying.

- You think?
- I know.

Hey!

Look out, I can't move!

Get out of the way!

What did you do then?

What did I do when?

After she threw the phone at you.

Fucking ducked.

Then what?

Took a walk.

Didn't pop her one?

No.

Good.

I got the fuck out of there,

and I took a walk.

Good for you.

Quiet!

You want my opinion? What?

- Marry her.
- I-- I don't know.

You two are suited for each other.

She throws the phone, you duck.

That's true love, that's passion.

It is?

Fucking Romeo and Juliet threw shit at each other

all the time.

You think I should ask her to marry me?

Make an honest woman of her, start a family.

Your whole outlook on life changes.

Shut the hell up already, will you?

Truly sorry.

Son of a bitch.

You see that woman up there?

Excuse me?

You see that woman up there on the screen?

The redhead?

Help me, please.

No, the blonde, Vicki Torrance.

Go ahead, kill her. See if I care.

Very attractive.

Yeah, well, that's my Vicki.

See this part, watch this.

No.

- Wow.
- Yeah.

You see the way she's selling those punches?

Now that's acting.

Did all her own stunts, too.

You know her?

She was my fiancée.

What happened?

I'll tell you what happened.

We fell in love.

We were gonna get married, too,

but we got mixed up with these fellas,

the wrong fellas.

We were way over our heads with those fellas.

We went to the police,
but they got to her anyway.

Vicki, ready for you.

Thank you, David.

There was an accident on the set.

"Sudden Extreme Justice 2."

They switched a dummy
flame- thrower for the real thing.

Hey, props.

Props, get that flamethrower in right away.

Yeah.

All right, stand by for rehearsal,

get the food cleared out.

Thanks.

Lilly, bring that gun over here.

Lilly, bring it over.

Put it up a little higher.

That's it.

All right, go ahead, do it.

I think it's jammed.

Oh, my God!

You don't want to know.

So they fixed me up with a new identity,

got a new job,

just like they did with Elvis.

Yep.

Yeah, he went and got himself

mixed up with the wrong fellas, too,

just like me and Vicki,

except they sent him up to Kalamazoo.

Now here we are,

life without The King.

Life without my Vicki.

One of these days they're gonna catch up

with me anyway.

Hell, you two fellas might even be the ones.

But you know something?

I don't really give a damn.

Look at her.

This was the last thing she did.

I've seen it 37 times.

Sometimes when I'm sitting here like this,

just watching, I almost forget.

It's almost like she's still alive.

Cover me!

When she does that trick with the rocket launcher

my heart rolls over sideways

and just about quits.

This is all I have of her.

You know what really gets to me, though?

Not the shower scene coming up.

And that's no body double,

let me tell you that in advance.

That's her appendix scar, those are her moles.

No, what really gets me is...

the scene in the basement.

She's just sitting there,

cleaning her Uzi.

There's this close-up

when she raises her hand to her face

to wipe the sweat off.

And you can see the little hairs

under her arm.

That gets me every time.

She was the love of my life...

and I miss her.

And I don't give a shit

about much of anything anymore.

Tom, will you stand up for me?

You're asking me now?

It was your idea.

I'd be honored.

You would?

It would be a fucking honor, yes.

I'll ask her tonight.

Good.

Let's get out of here.

Is there a problem here, Jerry?

I don't know, Tom. I don't know.

Look, it's usually not a good idea to make

this much conversation with a guy,

a guy you don't even know, beforehand.

Hey, you can't afford to
listen to every guy's sob story.

Let's go.

You don't want to know the particulars.

It gives you a reason to pause,

you end up feeling sympathy

which has a tendency to get in the way.

Something to keep in mind

for the next time.

You okay?

I liked him, that's all.

♪ What does it matter, a dream of love ♪

♪ Or a dream of lies

♪ We're all gonna be in the same place ♪

♪ When we die

♪ The spirit don't leave knowing ♪

♪ Your face or your name

♪ Wind through your bones is all that remains ♪

♪ And we're all gonna be

♪ I say we're all gonna be

♪ Yeah, yeah

♪ I say we're all gonna be

♪ Yeah, yeah

♪ I say we're all gonna be

The first time is always happenstance.

Always.

You just happen to be there when it happens.

Maybe you're young,

a younger man.

Billy walks into the office

with Vic and another guy,

some-- some guy you don't know,

some guy you never saw before.

And when they go to take this new guy out back,

out to the lot,

naturally you jump up to go with.

Maybe Billy says something,

like, "No, Tom, you stay here."

We're just gonna go out back

to look at a car.

You stay here and fix those odometers."

Well, now you're curious, right?

So you tag along anyway.

And you watch

as they go over this old Chevy,

'59 Impala, black

with a red interior,

a little rust starting to pockmark

the quarter panels.

Eddie, you are gonna love this car.

Now, Billy, he's not too keen on you being there.

This car comes in a week ago.

You know what goes through my mind?

This car has Eddie written all over it,

that's what goes through my mind.

Well, Vic for some reason,

he don't seem to mind at all.

Wait'll you see the interior here.

It's not tan, it's not blue...

it's--it's red.

Then you watch as Billy and this new guy

poke around, making chit-chat.

Go in there, check out the radio.

Tom, I told ya...

And then Vic pulls out his
piece, almost out of the blue.

Eddie, there's something - I gotta show you here.
- What?

And then he lets the guy have it.

And then Vic looks back at you

just to see how well you're taking it.

And just like that,

the thing is over and done with.

Get inside there.

I told you to stay in the office.

Leave him alone.

Oh, poor Eddie.

Ah, don't worry about Eddie.

For the most part he was a stand-up guy.

Yeah, for the most part.

My stomach is sick. It's upset.

Have a bromo.

Hey, you don't even have
your coat on, get inside.

You're all right, kid.

Happenstance.

You just happen to be there.

The second time is coincidence.

The third time,

well, that's your choice.

After that,

you are on the job with the other guys.

You are watching and listening

and learning a thing or two.

You are learning a trade.

Thank you.

Have some more fried rice.

I don't want any more fried rice.

Have some more fried rice, Jerry.

I don't want any more fucking fried rice, okay?

Then have a fortune cookie.

No thanks.

You don't want to see your fortune?

No.

Why not?

Afraid it might say today is not a good day

to whack a guy out in the parking lot?

I'm not afraid of any fucking fortune cookie.

My mind is elsewhere right now.

That's all.

Look at me.

You look nervous. This is not good.

Now you get your mind off of this thing right now

or I'm gonna make you go wait in the car.

What does it say?

"Soon you will be lucky in love."

Oh, that's a good one.

Put this in your pocket, take it home to Debbie.

Ought to be good for something, huh?

That guy over there,

does he look like a cop to you?

What, that guy?

That ain't a cop, that's the bus boy.

Doesn't look like any bus boy to me.

His name is Jimmy.

He's a retard, Jerry. The guy's retarded.

Doesn't look like a retard.
Looks smart, like a cop.

Oh, yeah, he's smart.

He's smart as a sack of wet hammers.

The guy don't even know how to tie his own shoes.

Still. Look at his shoes.

- So what?
- They're loafers.

When was the last time you
saw a cop wearing loafers?

Maybe he's undercover.

And he acts like a retard,
wears loafers to throw you.

What are you saying, Jerry?

Nothing.

- You want to go wait in the car?
- No.

I mean, you look a little
rattled for some reason.

You want maybe - I should drive you home?
- I didn't say that.

Maybe you're not up for this thing.

I'm just, you know, a little rattled. That's all.

- You sure?
- Yeah.

You know, you're the
one - who wanted to
do this one. - I do.

You know, maybe I should do
this one. let you sit this one out.

It's no problem for me to do
it. - You could do the next
one. - I said I'll do it.

- You sure?
- Yes.

- Okay then, it's settled.
- Okay.

You okay there, Jimmy?

- I'm okay.
- Oh, well, that's good.

Well, you make sure they don't

take that out of your pay, huh?

You gonna keep looking around,

doing that thing - with your head?
- What thing with my head?

Well, you're doing it - right now.
- Doing what?

You're bobbing up and down,

bobbing up and fucking
down like this, like Reagan.

You ever watch that guy?

He's got palsy.

- Palsy?
- Nervous disorder.

Oh, I know what fucking palsy is, Jerry,

but I think it's just nerves.

The guy standing up there like that,

lying through his teeth,

makes your head bob up and down.

I'm pretty sure that's palsy.

Hey, hey. You know what his last movie was?

Reagan's?

The Killers. You know what he plays?

I don't know.

A sheriff?

Hitman.

Fuck you.

Honest to God.

He smacks Angie Dickinson, around,

then he does this armored car heist,

double-crosses John Cassavetes,

pulls out this pistol with
this fat fuckin' silencer on it

and gives him one in the gut.

Then to top it off, he takes out Clu Gulager

and Lee Marvin with a deer rifle.

He takes out Lee Marvin with a deer rifle?

Fucking unbelievable.

When was this movie?

Sometime in the early '60s.

And right after that, he gets into politics.

Now, is there a connection?

Hmm, who's to say?

No way I have palsy then.

Well, maybe you don't have palsy yet,

but if I were you, I would look into this,

because this head-bobbing
thing is a little unusual.

Yeah.

You keeping an eye on him?

Who?

The guy. Our guy.

Yeah.

Is he going outside?

Yeah.

Here you go.

Ahh. Sorry.

Okay.

Hey, get up... and go to the john.

- Hey.
- Yeah.

Go through the kitchen out to the parking lot.

When he gets to the car, takes out his keys,

one in the back of the head.

Back of the head. Take his keys.

Take his keys, you slide him in the trunk,

you come back in the same way that you left.

We deal with the car later.

Now, you okay with this?

Yeah, I'm fine.

You sure?

Yeah.

Okay then.

Everything turn out okay?

Fine.

Any problems?

None.

Feel like ordering some dessert?

Not really.

But you're good?

Yeah, I'm...good.

Let me see your hand.

You're okay, kid.

Thanks.

So you want to get out of here,

take care of the car, call it a night?

Sounds good to me.

♪ My mother said to me

♪ You're the greatest man alive ♪

♪ But now I'm a man

♪ I made 21

♪ I want you to believe me, honey ♪

♪Ah, sucker.

♪ I'm a man

♪ I spell "M"

♪ "A," child

♪ "N"

Gas in it?

Yes.

You checked the tank?

Tank's half full.

Shit.

Check the tank, Jerry.

There's plenty of gas in the thing, Tom.

You checked the oil?

The oil's fine.

You checked it?

I checked it.

Just asking.

Shit.

Fuck!

Should have gone with the Black and Decker.

Black and Decker can both come down here

and suck my dick.

It's a piece of shit.

Black and Decker is not a couple of guys, Jerry.

Black and Decker is a corporation.

I don't give a fuck who they are.

You still have the receipt?

Somewhere, yes, I think so.

You think you have the receipt

or you do have the receipt?

I might have thrown it out.

Oh, you might have thrown it out.

I might have tossed it with the box.

Should have gone over to Sears, like I told you.

I did go to Sears but the fucking thing

was 6 bucks cheaper at the Big Buy.

One thing about Sears, Jerry...

Right.

You never need a receipt.

Fuck Sears!

Sears can come down here and kiss my ass.

Sears is not a guy, Jerry.

Sears is a corporation
just like Black and Decker,

although at one time there was a guy named Sears

and another guy named Roebuck.

But Sears and Roebuck didn't get along.

So Sears tried to buy Roebuck out,

but Roebuck wouldn't sell.

So Sears hired a couple of guys...

And besides, Adam expected
something in return from Eve.

What? - Well, he
expected her to
populate the Earth.

WOMAN # Oh! For an apple.

Yes, Marion, for an apple.

You, on the other hand, would do it

for three fingers of gin.

Taxi!

Aaaah!

That never happened.

Could have.

Fuck!

Patience, Jerry.

Fuck patience.

I want to get this thing done

so we can get out of here by halftime.

This is the same thing I
went through with Tom Junior

and the lawn mower, the same exact thing.

Fuck!

Fuck me!

Jerry, you're angry

and you're holding a power tool.

This is not advisable.

It says so right on the box.

Do not operate while
under the influence of alcohol

or while pissed off.

It doesn't say that on the box.

Sure it does, right on the side in small print.

I'd read it to you if you hadn't already

thrown it out along with the receipt.

Useless piece of shit!

Did you check the sparkplug?

Sparkplug?

Yeah, the sparkplug.

Sometimes these no-name brands,

that little clip comes loose.

You got to take your time
with these things, Jerry.

You can't get all pissed
off, try to fight the thing.

You have to follow the instructions.

Make sure it's all in proper working order.

You must become one with your chainsaw, Jerry.

There.

And just in case, you might have purchased

faulty machinery,

you should always hang on to your receipt.

Sparkplug?

Clip came loose!

Put your goggles on, Jerry.

Let's go to work.

All right, nice and comfy.

Go ahead, start her up.

Try it again.

He's a fucking idiot.

- Looks like Deb is pregnant.
- You're shittin' me.

Nope. We did the thing at home, it came out blue,

and unless I'm reading the box wrong,

she is with child.

Hey, that's great.

Think I'll make a good father?

You're worried that you won't?

Scared shitless.

That's a good sign.

It is?

Tom Jr. is gonna be 13 next year,

a fucking teenager.

I must know something, right?

I'd say so.

You're gonna be great!

You think Billy will give me a raise?

Well, if you ask him nice and Vic ain't around.

Who's to say? Billy loves kids.

How come Vic don't like me?

Oh, don't take it personal.
Vic don't like nobody.

Vic's a prick.

What do you got?

Here, go ahead.

No. You sure?

No, no, no, I'm trying to lose some weight.

Thanks, Tom.

Let me tell you something about Vic.

In his time he was the best,

the best at what we do.

Everything I know I learned from him.

And he had heart, too.

So what happened to him?

He retired.

Billy kicked him upstairs into management.

So he lost his outlet for things.

They pulled his teeth, so to speak.

You want to know how good Vic was in his day?

How good?

Two words...

and I never said these
before tonight to anyone...

Two little words,

two huge little words.

What?

Grassy knoll.

Fuck you!

Okay, fuck me. He was there though.

You're not fucking with me?

Dallas, November 1963, he was there.

How do you know?

Ever see that Zapruder film?

Yeah, so?

There's a shot of Vic.

Much younger, but definitely Vic.

Running across the grass,

carrying what looks like

a box of flowers.

No shit.

You want to know why Vic was there?

It was a Mob hit?

Revenge. Simple fucking revenge.

For what?

Marilyn Monroe.

Marilyn Monroe?

They had a thing.

Vic had a thing with Marilyn Monroe?

Vic was supposed to do her.

He was supposed to DO HER do her?

Well, yeah,

but when it got right down to the moment,

he couldn't do it.

Worse yet...

they fell in love.

Vic The Prick and Marilyn Monroe?

So JFK hired someone else.

They made it look like a suicide,

and that sent Vic around the bend.

JFK hired Vic.

Personally. On Frank's boat.

Not the Frank.

How many fuckin' Franks are there?

No shit.

Now according to Vic, they
were gonna get married,

but someone stuffed her full of pills first.

Vic, beyond a doubt, knew who,

took the train to Dallas and...

pfft...

that was that.

Few years later he did Bobby, too.

Vic did Bobby?

He tried to Ted, too. Took his shot.

Tire blew out, car went
off the bridge into the river.

Vic does not care for that family one bit.

Even to this day, you so
much as mention the name,

you watch the veins, they stick out on his neck.

Jesus.

He was the best in what we do.

Here comes our guy.

Okay.

You want me to do him?

You want to do him?

I'd like to, yes.

Let's flip for it.

Here, call it in the air.

No, that's okay.

Go ahead.

May I help you?

Okay, what do we got here?

What are these guys doing?

What are you gentlemen doing here?

Are you performing a function of any kind here?

Seriously.

Okay, is that the camera angle you're doing?

What am I, supposed to look like Santa Claus?

Nesbitt, come here and put some darkener on here,

for Christ's sake.

Oh, that feels good.

Can I see the mirror, sweetheart?

There's too much red there.

Todd, the windshield didn't
shatter properly last time.

No comedic impact whatsoever.

He's throwing good money right down the toilet

with all these goddamn TV commercials.

I see. Oh, I do.

- If you ask me.
- Certainly, yes.

Which no one around her did.

No, I can certainly understand your concern, yes.

So finding a gun in my son's locker

is very disturbing, I agree.

It could be worse, but I agree.

Well, he could have walked into the
high school cafeteria and started shooting.

That would be worse.

Or he could have waltzed into your office

and popped off any number of people.

That would be worse too.

"Lucille Ball dead at age 77."

No, I assure you

I'm not making light of this situation,

believe you me.

Now, she was a very sexy woman,

let me tell you.

And you know what made her sexy?

Yes, it is registered in my name.

It wasn't her legs,

although some people might argue that point.

Well, because I work in a funky neighborhood.

No, I'll tell you why it was.

A little on the funky side, yes.

She was funny.

On the Westside.

Yes. Oh, you know the area?

And call me crazy, but funny, to me, is sexy.

Well, I'm in sales. Kovachy Motors.

Billy Kovachy. That's right.

You know him?

You do.

Well, then you must have purchased a car from us

sometime in the past.

Is that it?

At Kovachy Motors we'll even take

your foreign car in trade.

Why?

Can you change the stupid
card, for Christ's sake?

Because we love foreign cars.

Oh, yeah, yeah, he is a pretty good kid.

He's just got all those, what you call it,

hormones raging inside of his system.

Oh, don't I know it?

Fuckin' thing's not gonna air until
4 o'clock in the morning anyway.

To top it off, he is not a photogenic man.

Well, yeah, I'll come by this afternoon

and pick it up on my way home from work.

If you ask me.

No, it was a pleasure talking to you.

Which no one ever here does.

Todd, I'm very alone here,

I'm feeling like I'm doing
the whole thing by myself.

Having trouble with the kid at school?

Nah, it's my youngest. It's no big deal.

Let me just practice.

Tom?

Yeah, Vic.

Just remember,

a belt's for more than
just keeping your pants up.

You give that kid a few good cracks

across the ass just for punctuation.

You hear me?

Yeah, I hear you, Vic.

♪ I used to work in Chicago ♪

♪ In a department store

- Here you go.
- Oh good.

♪ I used to work in Chicago ♪

♪ I did, but I don't work anymore ♪

♪ A woman came in for a house dress ♪

♪ I asked her what kind she wore ♪

♪ "Jumper," she said, jump her I did ♪

♪ And I don't work there anymore ♪

- Here. Here's some more.
- Are these cheesy potatoes?

- Come on, that's cheese.
- Oh, my favorite.

A little onion, a little paprika.

Nobody makes pierogies like Vic.

Listen, Vic, um,

Billy says you're thinking
about writing some book?

I ain't exactly gonna write
the damn thing myself,

but, yeah, I got an agent.

Nah, she's gonna fix me up with someone

who's gonna help me write it.

You got an agent?

Yeah, some pushy little broad from New York.

This book thing, Vic, I have to tell you,

is making Billy a little nervous.

Fuck him. He'll get over it.

He's got no reason to be nervous about me.

I ain't exactly turning
state's evidence or anything.

Yeah, but still.

Hey, we're closed!

- Close the fucking door!
- Get the fuck out of here!

I ain't gonna name anybody...

nobody that we associate with, anyway.

Just a few famous dead people

that I may or may not have, over the years,

for one reason or another,

come in close personal contact with.

Tom tells me you took out JFK.

You tell him that?

I may have, uh...

I might have mentioned that in passing.

A thing like that, Tom,

it ain't exactly something
you mention in passing,

not to just anybody.

I didn't mention it to just anybody.

I mentioned it to Jerry.

Well, did ya?

I ain't saying I did and I ain't saying I didn't.

Guess you'll just have to wait

and read about it in my book.

Awright.

You know what they're gonna call it?

Portrait of a Hitman.

Pretty good title, huh?

If I buy a copy, will you autograph it for me?

Fuck no.

I'll sign it Mr. X.

That's the name my-- my agent gave me,

you know, to be safe.

Sorta like a-- what do you call it?

A "pseudo-name."

Now me, I came up with "Tony Goulet."

On account of I like Robert
Goulet and Tony Bennett so much,

but they wouldn't have any part of it,

it's too ethnic or some shit.

I got to tell you, Vic,

Billy doesn't think this is such a good idea,

even with the Mr. X thing.

Well, fuck him and his pacemaker.

We're talking about my life story here.

Everybody got a right to
tell their fucking life story.

Am I right or am I right?

I don't know, Vic.

So, Vic,

you do anybody else famous?

Maybe two or three people

I could name off the top of my head.

Like who? Jimmy Hoffa?

No, not Jimmy Hoffa.

Although I do know a guy...

Like who then?

Tell me somebody else famous
you did. Besides JFK, I mean.

Four words.

Four little words.

You still gonna buy the book?

Are you kidding?

I'll wait in line for a first copy.

Four little fucking words.

"Hunka, hunka burning love."

No way, Vic! No fucking way.

You did Elvis?

I ain't saying I did

and I ain't saying I didn't.

He died of an overdose in the crapper,

fell and hit his head, something like that.

Could be he did,

could be he might have faked the whole thing.

Joined. the witness protection program....

an account of he was doing some work for Nixon

and the feds and it got a little heated.

And could be that he just recently resurfaced

up near Kalamazoo,

living quietly under an assumed name.

How you doing? What can I do for you?

Yeah, fill it up, please.

And maybe I took a little road trip

up to Michigan few years back...

for no good reason.

Could be a lot of things, Jerry.

You fucking whacked Elvis.

Could be I did, could be I didn't.

Guess you'll just have to wait

and read about it in my book.

In a fucking book.

Or maybe not.

Maybe I'll just mention that on the Oprah show.

Excuse me?

Yeah, they asked me to
be on in a couple of weeks.

Me and a bunch of other guys--

"Contract Killers Who Write
Books," something like that.

That's tremendous.

This is not a good idea, Vic.

My agent thinks it's a very good idea, actually.

Help us get a bigger advance on the book deal,

maybe even the movie rights.

We're all gonna be wearing
ski masks. What's the problem?

It'll worry Billy.

Tell Billy to take a fucking pill already!

You know who I see playing me in the movie?

Ernest Borgnine.

Ernest Borgnine is good.

He's a good actor.

Is he dead?

I don't know. I hope not.

He better fucking not be dead,

that's all I got to say,

because he's playing me in the movie,

the movie of my life.

Who will play Tom, you think?

Who'll play me?

Yeah, in the movie, the movie of Vic's life.

Nobody. I ain't gonna be in no movie.

- Charleton Heston.
- No, he's too old.

Too old? What the fuck do
you know about anything?

I'd say,

if it was up to me, Burt Reynolds.

Burt Reynolds?

Yeah.

I like him.

Yeah, he'll be real good as you, I think.

I could live with that.

Yeah, but this is all hypothetical,

'cause I ain't gonna be in no movie.

What about me?

You? Who'll play you in the movie?

I don't know.

Who says you're in even in this movie, huh?

This is my fucking movie.

Hey, wait a minute.

I know. He's perfect!

- Who?
- Who?

Don Knotts.

Don fucking Knotts?

Yeah, he reminds me of you.

You're kidding me, right?

Well, a young Don Knotts.

I'm insulted, Tom.

I picked somebody good for you,

so why can't you pick somebody good for me?

Don Knotts is fucking great.

He's fucking great.

He doesn't have a chin.

He's still great.

Anyways, he's too old.

Think of somebody younger... with a chin.

I don't know any of these younger guys, Jerry.

This is my fucking movie.

You are not even in it.

So who the fuck cares?

Listen, Vic,

you sure there ain't no way
I could talk you out of this?

No, no fucking way.

And don't you go getting any ideas, Tom.

And you know what I mean.

What the fuck is this?

My insulin.

You got diabetes?

- Yeah.
- Since when?

Since I was a kid.

Can't you do that somewhere else?

Do you have to do that at the table?

I'm having a reaction.

That's a pretty big fucking needle, kid.

Yeah. Well, I got a really bad case.

I can't stand needles.

Just take a second.

Find yourself a nice meaty spot.

Well, go find yourself

a nice meaty spot in the toilet.

It's no big deal, Vic.

You pull the plunger back like this.

You little fuck!

You asshole!

Uh-oh. I forgot to push
the air out of the needle first.

That's not a good thing.

Tom! Give me a hand here, will you?

Give me a hand, Tom.

Fuck!

Shit!

What the fuck did you do, Jerry?

The air travels through his bloodstream,

see, down into his heart, his ventricle explodes.

Looks pretty much like a heart attack.

Saw it in a movie.

We were supposed to wait

until we got him out in the parking lot,

until we got him out back.

I thought I'd try something
different for a change.

Well, the next time you decide

to try something different, check with me first.

Sure, Tom, whatever you say.

Hey, look at me, Jerry.

This was Vic you took out.

He was a friend of mine,

a close personal friend, and
he deserved some respect.

Something more respectful

than having a fucking needle jammed into his neck

while he's trying to eat his pierogies.

I'm sorry, Tom.

Go call an ambulance.

We--

we got to make this look good.

You think this is the piece
he whacked Elvis with?

♪ What does it matter, a dream of love ♪

♪ Or a dream of lies

♪ We're all gonna be in the same place ♪

♪ When we die

♪ The spirit don't leave knowing ♪

♪ Its face or its name

♪ Wind in your bones is all that remains ♪

♪ And we're all gonna be

♪ Yeah, yeah, I said we're all gonna be ♪

♪ Just dirt in the ground

[ baby continues crying ]♪ We're all gonna be

Shit.♪ Just dirt in the ground

♪ We're all gonna be

♪ Dirt in the ground

Okay, huh?

Oh, it's not good, huh?

Is that better?

Okay.

♪ Connor is a big boy

♪ Connor

Well, she's done.

Jesus, Jerry.

What?

We weren't here to do the woman.

We weren't?

No.

Shit.

Apparently the guy we're
supposed to do ain't here.

She was in the way.

What the fuck was I supposed to do?

You could have waited.

You could have let me take care of it.

We could have gone out.

We could have come back later.

What do we-- what do we now?

We wait. We wait for the guy.

I ain't ever done a woman before, Tom.

Yeah, well, neither have I.

She's fucking beautiful, Tom.

Don't you think?

So what, - you want to fuck her?
- No.

Whether or not she's beautiful

is at this point beside the point.

I'm just making an observation is all.

You think I don't know a beautiful woman

when I see one, Jerry?

You think beauty even enters into the equation?

So shut the fuck up about
her being beautiful, okay?

She wasn't supposed to be
here, you got trigger-happy.

So here we are. So shut the fuck up!

Y-You're pissed at me?

As a matter of fact, right now,

yes, I'm a little pissed at you.

I was just doing my job.

Yeah, well, you want to do your job,

next time you look to me,

you let me handle these types of situations.

She was in the way.

Yeah, well, she's out of the fucking way now.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, Tom.

Tom, I shoulda followed your lead.

You gonna be okay with this?

Listen, don't worry about it, huh?

The thing is done.

I always wondered what I'd do,

if I ever had to, you know,

somebody innocent,

somebody who just got in the way.

Now you know.

Last night, Deb and I went up to bed.

I couldn't fall asleep,

she started snoring, you know.

Really sawin' wood.

And then the baby started screaming in his crib.

Deb is out like somebody hit her

in the head with a shovel.

So...

I got up.

It was my turn anyway.

I got him a bottle, I walked
him around the house,

sang to him.

He would not stop screaming no matter what.

So finally, I put him down,

I went down to the car in my boxer shorts,

got my piece out of the trunk,

I screwed on the silencer, I went back upstairs

and I put the muzzle to his head.

I stood there for a few seconds

imagining myself actually doing my own son.

I mean everyone has these thoughts,

at one time or another, what would it be

like to kill my wife and kids?

But those are just thoughts.

There's a world of difference
between thinking a thing

and actually doing it.

I know that.

But I was standing there

with the muzzle of the gun
pointed at my kid's head,

stuck in that fucking grey area

between the two.

Was I only thinking about doing it

or was I actually gonna do it?

I honestly...didn't know.

And then just like that...

he fell asleep.

I went back down to the car, put the gun away,

went back up to bed.

Never, never, never...

point the muzzle of a gun at a loved one.

Never. No matter what.

You leave your work at the office

or in this case,

in the trunk of your fucking car.

Maybe I need a vacation.

Oh, I think maybe you need

more than a fucking vacation, Jerry.

What's that supposed to mean?

Shit!

Well, is she done?

She is now.

You okay with this?

I'm okay.

I wish this guy would hurry up and come home.

Ah, this hot fucking weather in December,

I love it.

How does Deb like the hotel?

Oh, she loves it.

Yeah, Peg too.

Hanging out by the pool all day.

By tonight they'll be so sunburned we
won't be able to get within 10 feet of 'em.

Yeah, like a couple of lobsters.

Shit.

You remember that guy we did in Waukegan?

- That parking permit guy.
- Right.

- So I'm in the forest preserve.
- Mm-hmm.

I'm taking care of the thing,

pouring lime over him...

and just before I finish,

I look up

- and I see a deer.
- A deer.

Fifty feet away, just a young one,

you know, with the white
spots, the trembling legs,

big wet nose.

Fuckin' Bambi.

Right.

And for what seemed like the longest time,

we just stood there and looked at each other.

Huh. Did you shoot him?

No, I didn't shoot him.

We were having a moment.

And then he ran off into the trees

and just like that,

it was gone.

At this point was he whole or in sections?

The guy?

I--I had to take the arms and legs off.

That's beautiful, Tom.

You don't get it, do you?

What's not to get?

You're out in the woods,

dipping lime all over the parking permit guy,

who happens to be in sections at the time

and you have a moment with Bambi.

That is-- that's fucking beautiful.

I'm trying to tell you something here, Jerry.

I'm getting a little too old for this.

I'm starting to lose my
appetite for this type of work.

Are you serious?

I'm just looking ahead to my retirement.

Somehow, Tom, I cannot picture it.

I'm just mulling it over, that's all.

If you say so.

Hey, there's our guy.

He's here?

Yeah, right over there.

Yeah, I spotted him right off.

Jerry.

Keep the change.

- Thanks, honey.
- Thanks.

The guy in a suit?

Beyond the guy with the suit, and to the left.

With the sunglasses?

Next to the guy with the sunglasses.

With the--what is that, a golf cap?

Yeah, that's him. -
He's talking to the
bald guy. - You sure?

This is the guy.

He looks older.

What do you mean "looks older"?

Well, he looks like a different guy altogether.

This is him.

You positive?

Yes.

Well, all right, we'll wait
till he goes to the john

and we'll do him in there.

Let's try something different for a change.

Different?

How?

Let's do him here and now, in the open.

There's too many people in the way.

Believe me, they'll move.

Jerry, this is not a good idea.

Somebody will ID us.

Believe me, no one will ID us.

I'll make sure of it.

We'll wait until he goes to the john.

Come on, Tom, let's do this job right here

in broad daylight.

Right here in bright Florida sunshine.

Jerry, no.

Read my lips, no fucking way.

What are you doing?

What are you doing?

Don't open that.

I'm gonna do it, Tom.

Jerry, don't.

I'm getting too old for this shit.

This will make you feel young again, I promise.

Do not take out this guy in this way, Jerry.

This is the most serious on-the-job advice

I've ever given you.

Now you're a professional, act like one.

Come on, Tom.

Live a little.

- Ooh!
- Charlie!

Ouch!

Kovachy Motors.

Well, can I ask who's calling?

I'm not here.

Lou?

Tell him I'll call him back later tonight.

He'll call you back sometime later tonight.

Where the fuck are those goddamn registrations?

No, that was not him yelling in the background.

That was somebody else yelling in the background.

Yeah.

I'll tell him to call you
as soon as he gets back.

Okay.

Here they are.

Right in front of my fat fucking face.

Lou says you should call
him ASAP about that thing

you guys were discussing the other night.

What thing?

He didn't say.

You didn't ask him?

No, I figured you'd know
what he is talking about.

What-- what-- what am I, a
mind reader all of a sudden?

You know how many things Lou and I

discussed the other night?

I have no idea.

Any number of things, that's how many.

I discuss a lot of things

with a lot of a different guys all week long.

You know that, Tom.

And, in fact, you and I were just discussing

a certain thing just this morning, am I right?

I remember.

Good, because I want you to remember

to take care of that particular thing this week.

I'll take care of it.

That's the-- the thing with--with Stan.

I will.

So the next time somebody calls,

just ask him to be a little more specific for me,

would you, Tom?

I will, Billy. Next time I'll ask.

Because the older I get,

the harder it is for me to keep
one thing straight from another.

Answer the phone, Tom.

Tom, answer the fucking phone!

Hello?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah, he's right here.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I understand.

Okay.

Was that Billy?

Yeah, that was Billy.

What did he say?

What do you think he said?

That's what I thought.

Hey, Stan, before we do you,
you mind finishing the joke?

Oh, yeah.

The penguin sits there drinking his scotch.

The bartender says,

"you know, we don't get many penguins in here."

The penguin looks up and says "at 4 bucks a pop,

you're not getting many more either."

That's it?

That's the punchline?

That's it.

I'm serious, damn it, that joke is for shit.

Shut up and do it.

Wait a second, Jerry.

What?

I'm sorry, kid, nothing personal.

Fucking untie me!

Fuck you!

You fucking dumb shit!

I'm sorry to have to tie you up like that, Stan.

I had to make it look good.

Fuck you too, Tom.

This fucking kid should have
been taken care of long before now.

I know.

I'm definitely getting too
old for this line of work.

You and me both.

Maybe I'll take Peg up to Lake Geneva.

Shop around for a condo.

Maybe Billy will kick me upstairs

into management.

Sorry, Tom.

Orders from Billy, like you said.

Yeah, nothing personal, Stan.

♪ We're caught in a trap...

Know any good jokes? ♪ I can't walk out...

This gorilla walks in a bar,

orders a pitcher of beer.

Goes and sits in the back in a booth.

About a half hour later, this bear joins him.

A bear?

Yeah, a bear.

What kind of bear?

It was-- what do you call it?

A brown bear.

- Brown bear.
- Yeah.

Well, go on.

So the gorilla and the bear sit in the booth.

About a half hour later, this squirrel comes in

and joins them.

Well, they're there for most of the night.

In about 10 minutes before they close,

Noah comes in and he orders a screwdriver

and sits at the bar...

♪ Drops by to say hello

♪ Would I still see suspicion in your eyes ♪

♪ But here we go again

♪ Asking where I've been

♪ Please don't talk about me when I'm gone ♪

♪ Oh, honey, though our
friendship ceases from now on ♪

♪ And listen, if you can't
say anything real nice ♪

♪ It's better not to talk at all is my advice ♪

♪ We're parting

♪ You go your way, I'll go mine ♪

♪ It's best that we do

♪ Here's a kiss

♪ I hope that this brings

♪ Lots of luck to you

♪ Makes no difference how I carry on ♪

♪ Remember, please don't talk about me ♪

♪ Please don't talk about me

♪ Please don't talk about me when I'm gone ♪

♪ I really want to know

♪ What is wrong, what's wrong with me ♪

♪ I try so hard just to do right ♪

♪ With all my might

♪ Like I was

♪ Somebody's daddy

♪ Someone's tell me please

♪ What is wrong with me

♪ What is wrong with me

♪ Somebody tell me please

---oOo---