Jena Friedman: American Cunt (2016) - full transcript
Jena Friedman's first stand-up special American Cu*t was shot at The Slipper Room NYC and delivers a probing examination of feminism and the U.S. body politic.
[music]
Ladies and gentlemen,
please put your hands together
and give some love
and energy to Jena Friedman.
[applause and cheering]
Thank you guys.
Thank you.
Thank you so much.
Thank you guys so much
for coming out to American Cunt
[applause and cheering]
Thank you.
I've done this show quite a bit
and when I first wrote it
I didn't realize what
an offensive word it is.
American.
[laughter]
It's such an offensive word
in every other country
that I've done this show,
American is a more
offensive word.
In the UK, cunt is
a term of endearment.
But here it's
a very loaded word.
But why, we have such
a beautiful literary tradition
with the word cunt.
Shakespeare used the word cunt,
Chaucer, James Joyce,
D.H. Lawrence,
Samuel Beckett,
so many great men...
[laughter]
..throughout history
have used the word cunt,
and I'm sure women
would have too,
if we were taught how to read.
[laughter]
I have no allegiance
to the word cunt,
I'm not trying to reclaim it,
I don't identify as a cunt.
If anything I identify
as a New Yorker,
any New Yorkers in the house?
[cheering]
Awesome.
For those of you
who aren't we are I guess
Like a level of cunt.
Just 'cause of what it takes
to live here, it's so hard.
The other night I got my first
up-skirt photo of the season.
I was walking on Broadway,
a guy came up behind,
snapped a photo up my skirt,
and it happened so fast
by the time I realized
What he had done
he was halfway down the block
And I just wanted
to scream at him
but I couldn't think
of what to say
Other than, pay me.
[laughter]
80 bucks.
Or venmo.
In my 20's I would
have chased him down
but now I just want to get paid
[laughter]
About a year ago,
the place across the street
from where I used
to live exploded.
The Super was syphoning gas,
the whole building
went up in flames,
the place I used
to get foot massagees
burnt to the ground.
I say massagees because
he was a hand-job place.
But they gave
the best foot massages
because they were so happy
it wasn't a dick.
[laughter]
They still did it like this
but they were so happy my foot
was not a dick,
you know, I was so happy,
My foot, we were all just,
you know, life's little joys.
But I was lamenting
the loss of this place
to a friend of mine
who told me about a massage
parlor his friend went to.
And his friend was lying
on the table getting a massage
and he got a boner
and the masseuse saw it
and she said do you want a wank
and he was like,
yeah a little.
So then she leaves
and he's just lying
on the table
with an erection
for like ten minutes
waiting for her to come back,
And finally she does
and she says, are you finished?
[laughter]
It's like, what a feminist
hand-job place.
I hope she charged
for that time.
Feminism.
It's so trendy now
and it scares me.
And the one person who laughs
at the word feminism.
The least funny word
you could say onstage.
It's so trendy now
and it scares me
when words become trendy
because I think
They become more open
to corruption and like,
there's so many
new flavors of feminism
It's just hard to keep up,
there's sex positive feminism,
which if you don't know
is a really cool term
For women who love anal.
[laughter]
Male feminists, are there any
male feminists in the audience?
[applause]
Thank you, I love you guys,
I love male feminists,
I just wish you
could support us
Without having to take
credit for it.
Love male feminists.
I'm getting older now,
I feel great though,
I still fit into
my 9/11 jeans.
I never forget how good
I looked in those,
the weapons of mass seduction.
These aren't those,
don't get weird,
These are from,
I think, Katrina.
They're still wet.
I have all these questions
about getting older as a female
Like, how am I
supposed to catch cabs
once I become invisible?
[laughter]
I know we shouldn't make fun
of women over 60,
there could be some here,
but how would we know?
You can't see them.
I was just in Los Angeles
pitching a script.
It's kind of like
the Sixth Sense
But about a man
who sees women
over 60 as attractive,
and they were all like,
too high concept.
What's a woman over 60
and it's like, oh LA, ah.
We have them in New York
it's just hard to tell
Because of what New York City
does to all women,
the wear and tear, the elements
that get thrown in our faces,
bodily fluids and like air
conditioning unit jiz
that gets,
all of it just after
a certain point
all just makes us look like
we eat out of a trash can.
[laughter]
Women are my target demo,
we just don't know it yet
'cause we're taught
to hate each other.
But I think we can be
best friends,
as long as we don't have
the same color hair.
Be like Tina and Amy
hosting the Golden Globes.
And I think we need to do
a better job
At supporting each other.
That's what I'm talking about,
like right ladies?
[applause and cheering]
Thank you, thank you.
I think we need to do
a better job
At supporting each other
'cause we suck at it
And I realized this after
last year's London Marathon,
there is a runner,
her name is Kiran Gandhi,
she ran the whole marathon
while on her period,
with no tampon
or pad or anything.
I think she was trying to raise
awareness about periods.
It's like half the population
already kind of gets it
But you be you.
I support you Kiran.
She got a lot of shit for that.
But I think as women, and men,
we need to get behind her.
Not literally 'cause
that would be a mess
but, I think
she's onto something.
Like if we want workplace
equality we can't just lean in,
we have to bleed out.
Seriously, seriously,
if you walk into
your boss' office
with blood on your person,
you might get that raise.
You'll definitely
get that office.
He'll be like, take it, ugh,
I'm out of here.
I think the best way
to age gracefully as a woman
is to have been born a man.
[laughter]
Which brings me
to Caitlin Jenner.
She is fair game now that she's
come out in support of Ted Cruz
I want to be PC
when I talk about Caitlin,
Like is it not politically
correct to assume Caitlin
might be a bad driver,
if it was
Bruce who committed
vehicular manslaughter.
Not Caitlin, God forbid no,
but Bruce Jenner,
a lot of people don't recall,
Bruce Jenner ran over
a 69 year old woman
and was never prosecuted.
In his defense,
he might not have seen her.
[laughter]
We have one of our first
openly trans female athletes
and her name is Fallon Fox
and she is an MMA fighter
and she's killing it.
'Cause she's beating up women.
[laughter]
Hey I support her,
I support you Fallon,
I support her, it takes ball...
it takes a lot of courage
to do what she's doing,
I support you Fallon,
my only question is,
could you have picked
any other sport?
Literally, every other sport
doesn't involve attacking women
and like, I'm insensitive,
and it's not like she was
an MMA fighter
and then transitioned.
No, she transitioned
and was like,
what will I be great at?
[laughter]
I don't want to be insensitive,
but maybe that's who I am.
Maybe I'm an insensitive person
trapped in a woman's body.
It's so hard to talk
about gender identity
with sensitivity and nuance
so we just don't.
We just don't
even talk about it.
What we're doing though
is we're like,
Canceling shows
and silencing people.
Mount Holyoake,
a woman's college,
Mount Holyoake recently
canceled a performance
Of The Vagina Monologues
because they felt the term
vagina was too narrow a view
of what it means to be a woman
and I'm like, it stretches,
but also.
[laughter]
Don't make me,
don't make me defend
The Vagina Monologues.
What a shitty show.
I spent a decade as a comedian
working my butt off
to not say vagina onstage,
but now that it's being taken
away from me I'm like, vagina.
It's so hard
to talk about this stuff
And I blame
the estrogen supplements.
I'm not talking
about transwomen.
I'm not talking
about transwomen,
I'm talking about myself,
a cisgender woman.
Take it or take it,
better than the other C word.
I was on the pill
for two weeks in my twenties.
And it made me bat shit insane.
Estrogen makes all women,
cis and trans, insane.
It doesn't make us
kill people like testosterone.
[laughter]
It doesn't make us punch a wall
'cause we stubbed our toe
you fucking mammals.
But it makes us
all a little nuts.
And I think the larger issue is
I've always had the privilege
to never have to question
my own gender identity.
So now that I am,
I guess that there
Is another option besides
being a woman I'll take it.
Gender neutral, gender fluid,
two spear,
whatever that is can probably
drive in Saudi Arabia.
On the bright side,
I don't think
There's any better time
or place
to be a woman than in the
global north in 2016.
But then I think
about the American South
and it breaks my heart,
but it's also
my favorite portion of the show
[laughter]
The abortion portion.
The abortion portion.
I have so many abortion jokes.
Hey they just
keep writing themselves,
But I think the best thing
about abortion jokes
is that no one tries
to steal them.
They are like the unwanted
children of jokes.
And I don't think abortion
is even a political issue
as much as it
is a branding issue.
In Texas for example,
if instead of abortion
If we just called
it fetus hunting.
They would be so excited
to take the kids
to Planned Parenthood
and go fetus hunting
on the weekends.
Same with Florida,
if we called abortion
early retirement,
done and done you know?
Alabama.
I have one for every state.
If in Alabama if we called
abortion the death penalty,
the whole state
would vote for it.
The whole state
would vote for it.
Alabama's state bird
is the electric chair.
Is anyone here from Alabama?
It's a trick question,
they don't fund public transit
so it's very hard to leave.
It's very hard to get out.
There's a war on women going
on in our country.
Planned Parenthood's
getting attacked left and right
getting accused
of selling baby parts,
it's like, please,
first of all they're not baby
parts it's fetal tissue
And second of all,
they're not selling them,
they're practically
giving them away.
[laughter]
I get in a lot of trouble
for my abortion jokes.
After Antonin Scalia passed
away I took to Twitter,
because that's how I grieve,
and I Tweeted, now that's what
I call a late-term abortion.
It was too soon,
it was lightning fast but.
I got a lot of shit for that,
a lot of people Tweeting at me,
telling me they wish
I had been aborted.
Yeah. And it just
warmed my heart.
Because at least
they're coming around.
[laughter]
Thank you.
[applause]
Thank you.
It's like if you want me
to have been aborted
maybe the zygote
Of a pregnant teen
isn't so far behind.
What bothers me most about
abortion laws in the states
is that they are not
based on science.
In Virginia for example,
if you want to get an abobo in.
[laughter]
Do you guys call it an abobo?
No one does.
If you want to get
an abobo in Virginia,
they make you get an ultrasound
they show you
a photo of the fetus,
and then they send you away
to deliberate on it
For like 24 hours or 48 or 72
until it's crowning.
Where's the science to that?
Where's the science that says
showing me a photo of my fetus
is going to make me want
to keep it, they're not cuddly.
It's like Republican lawmakers,
and I should say
Right Wing lawmakers
Because by the time
this special airs
That Party
may no longer exist but.
[laughter]
Right Wing lawmakers.
Conservative lawmakers.
If you want me to keep a child,
I respect your choice
to not resect mine,
but at least sell me on it.
Don't show me
a photo of a fetus,
Show me a photo of something
that resonates,
Like maybe a photo of myself
in 60 years
trying to walk down
a flight of stairs alone.
[laughter]
Any moms in the audience?
[applause]
Thank you for coming out
and abandoning your kids,
thank you.
Thank you moms.
I love moms.
I'm such a fangirl of moms.
When I was young
I'd just follow one around
All the time in a van.
Love moms.
Especially single moms,
single moms are like, so Indy.
They're so DIY.
[laughter]
Working moms, oh working
moms are so bad ass,
it's like saying Chai tea,
two words that mean
the same thing.
[laughter]
My friend just had a kid
and I asked her how it went
and she said,
to tell you the truth Jena,
He almost gave me a vaganus.
I was like, what's a...?
What? That's a thing,
it's called a four 30 tear,
a child can literally
rip you a new asshole.
We don't know about this cause
if we did we'd become extinct.
But a child can literally
rip you a new asshole
and then, you have to love it?
And if you leave it in a car
for two minutes
You can go to jail,
that's so messed up.
I've never been to jail,
'cause I'm smart.
Just kidding,
it's 'cause I'm white.
[laughter]
I hope you're not clapping
'cause you're white.
It's so hard for a white woman
in 2016 to go to jail
that we have a TV show
about the one time it happened.
It's hard to get a TV show,
sometimes
It feels like you literally
have to have two heads
to get a TV show in America.
Have you guys seen that show,
Abby and Brittany, on TLC?
For those of you
who don't know TLC
Is like a modern-day
Ripley's Believe It or Not.
And there's a show,
Abby and Brittany,
About conjoined twins,
two heads, one body,
if they'd called it that it
would have gotten cancelled.
It wasn't actually cancelled
it was postponed indefinitely
because you can't exploit
people and then cancel them,
It's kind of bad PR.
But the reason
I bring up Brittany and Abby
Is because they're the most
confident women I've ever seen.
If I had two heads
I'd be very insecure,
I'd probably just grow my hair
really long
And take turns hiding in it.
But they are out there,
living life to the fullest,
they're going on dates,
they're turning down men,
they make me want
to have two heads,
just as a writer,
to have someone
to bounce ideas off of.
[laughter]
To have someone around
who knows me and gets me
And could give me
good life advice.
Like, Jena, stop dating jerks.
But would jerks even date me
if I had two heads?
Probably not. It's like
a pretty nice guy move.
A jerk might like,
fuck both my mouths
And not take me to brunch.
[laughter]
Jerks.
Brittany and Abby
are the most confident women
I've ever seen in my life
and I think they hold the key
to how we need
to raise all girls,
to instill within
the the confidence
to be able to handle
whatever life throws at them,
we need to raise our girls as
if they were born
with multiple heads.
Looks don't matter,
what counts is up here.
But we don't do that,
what do we do?
We give our girls Barbies,
we give our daughters Barbies.
Now we have Barbies
without thigh gaps.
Mattel recently issued
a new line of Barbies
without thigh gaps,
it's like come on,
if you have a chubby daughter
don't give her chubby Barbie,
strap her to a treadmill
and make her chase it.
It's not a fat joke.
It's not a fat joke, it's just
a window into how I was raised.
Worse case scenario
she ends up a comedian.
But we don't do that, we give
boys action figures you know,
and it's like we're never
going to achieve equality
As long as boys get action
figures and girls get like,
sedentary sex dolls
without holes.
[laughter]
It's so weird how we market
to girls and women,
like I was walking down
the street the other day
And this guy came up to me,
and he said I never do this,
but I think you're cute and
I'd like to get your number.
And he wasn't really my type
but I didn't want to discourage
his romantic gesture,
So I said how about my email?
And he was like, no,
your number or nothing,
and I was like, nothing dude,
like I don't even know you,
and so he just walked away.
And I was like
what type of person
Would only want my phone number
and not my email?
And then it occurred to me,
a telemarketer.
Okay, even if that guy
wasn't a telemarketer,
I would not put it past
any company in 2016
to just hire random dudes
to chat up women
on the street,
get our phone numbers
and all of a sudden
you have like a text popping up
From Brian that's really just
like an ad for Nussa yogurt.
And then next thing you know,
the guy you've been sleeping
with for three months
is really just part
of Nestle's street team
trying to get you pregnant
so that you'll buy
their infant formula.
So ladies, practice safe sex
so that Nestle
doesn't creep into your womb.
[laughter]
This joke has been
brought to you by Trust Issues.
They're real and I have them.
I was talking
to a male comedian recently.
Oh, now we're all quiet.
Shush. What did he have to say?
I was talking
to a male comedian recently,
He said I feel so bad for women
it seems so hard to be you guys
you guys will just
drop everything
If you meet someone you love,
you'll just drop
your careers for love.
He's not entirely wrong,
I have female friends
who have put their careers
on pause to start a family,
'cause in America
we don't have paid leave,
but men aren't that different.
You guys might not
drop your careers for love,
but you'll fuck it up
for a sex crime.
[laughter]
Which brings me to Cosby.
I don't want to joke
about Bill Cosby
because to this day
he remains one of my
favorite anesthesiologists.
Everyone's always like,
Bill Cosby's such
a great storyteller,
It's like, we see that now,
but also a pretty
exceptional anesthesiologist.
I mean that many women,
to be able to put
that many women to sleep
and make sure that they woke
up without any med school,
without any training.
Some of you might be thinking
did they all wake up?
I don't know, that's not
for a comedian to figure out,
But if any of you work
for the news, get on it.
I'm not a statistician but they
probably didn't all wake up.
[laughter]
People don't like jokes
about dead people, okay now.
Part of me wonders is it too
late to joke about Bill Cosby
'cause he's been
in the news for so long,
but he keeps being in the news
'cause women
Keep coming out in pairs,
like we go to the bathroom,
accusing him of rape,
and women are going
to keep coming out
Because it's very scary
for women
to come out and admit
to the world
That they were born before 1980
[laughter]
I don't even tell people
my age anymore, I just say
I'm younger than the amount
of women Cosby's raped.
Which puts me under 60,
who's counting?
He blocked me on Twitter.
Whoa.
>> Thanks, he blocked me
on Twitter recently,
I was upset about it,
it actually made me
a little sad,
I took it personally
But I was like,
don't take it personally,
You know blocking women,
silencing women
is just his version of foreplay
Silencing women is Bill
Cosby's version of foreplay.
I want to take this moment
to thank the guys
In the audience
for not silencing me,
for not blocking me,
for being here.
Men, thank you for being here,
thank you for listening
to me guys,
Give yourselves a round
of applause, just the men.
[applause]
Just the men, you can do it,
come on men.
Men thank you so much
for listening to me.
I know I only have
a couple of years left.
I love men.
One of my best friends is a man
I love men,
I try to date you guys,
and you're so bad at it
because you're so sensitive.
You guys are so fragile,
you're like little butterflies
of testosterone.
I want to start dating women
but I'm not attracted to women
So how do I go about that?
Do I just start
with men shorter than me?
Look that was not
in the show originally,
That joke was not in the show,
but then I got
some reviewers saying,
you know she's edgy,
she pulls no punches,
and I was like,
you want to know what's edgy?
Not AIDs, rape, Ebola, abortion
taking about men
shorter than me.
'Cause that is
the last frontier.
You do not joke about short men
You do not joke about short men
A., 'cause that's who runs shit
[laughter]
And B.,
I look to the women for support
and you can't laugh
'cause that's who
you're here with.
Those are the keepers.
Those are the keepers and look,
don't feel bad
for short guys okay?
Boohoo. Being born
with the will to succeed.
I actually don't
see gender okay?
I don't see gender.
Once it's below my eye line
I just, I don't see it.
But I hear gender a lot,
especially now
that the election's coming up,
I hear gender so much.
Part of the reason
I like the word cunt is
because there's no male
equivalent to the word cunt,
but it's not even the worst
of the words.
Bitch is way worse than cunt,
because if you call
someone a cunt
It's on you
or using that language,
If you call someone a bitch,
she's a bitch.
Right, I mean
she's probably a bitch.
And the one word that's worse
than bitch is, any guesses?
>> Slut.
>> Crazy.
>> Dyke.
>> Thank you.
[laughter]
Someone said it,
someone's homophobic, no.
Crazy.
Crazy is the worst word
you can call a woman
because it's just dismissive,
it mutes her, it denies
that bitch a voice.
Men will call women crazy
for the silliest things,
like if we text too much.
Men call women crazy
if we text too much.
But then men can chop off heads
and blow up entire cities
and what do we call them?
Terrorists.
A state.
Is anyone in here from ISIS?
[laughter]
It seems very hard
to be a woman in ISIS.
Just the lack
of leadership positons.
Very little upward mobility.
If you want to blow yourself up
as a Jihadista,
or Jihadette,
I don't know the PC term.
I don't know the PC term
for female Jihadist but,
if you want to blow
yourself up as a Jihadista,
you have to get
permission from a man.
That's real,
there's a glass burka...
in pieces.
I know some of you are thinking
that would make it see-through
but just go with it.
It seems very hard for them.
After the Paris attacks
there was a Jihadian
who was blown up,
the French police
were looking for her cousin,
they knocked on her door,
they said we know
your boyfriend's in there.
She said, he's not my boyfriend
and then she was blown up.
Her last words were,
he's not my boyfriend.
I was like, sing it sister but.
The New York Post,
bastion of journalism,
covered her the next day,
and they actually
called her a skank.
The headline was,
Skanky Suicide Bomber used
to be Selfie-talking
Party Animal.
They took pictures of her
partying from her Facebook page
and posted them online,
they said her
nickname was Cowgirl
'cause all the guys
used to ride her,
they slut-shamed a terrorist.
The one woman
you could call crazy
and get away with it,
uh, women cannot have it all.
[laughter]
As a person I get it,
she sucked, I get it.
But, as a feminist,
I find it kind of problematic.
Cat's out of the bag,
I'm a feminist,
I support equality,
I know it's kind of edgy
but I support equality.
What I don't support are people
who just duck out
of that conversation
Because they're not feminists,
rather they are humanists.
Sorry I'm not going
to weigh on feminism
because I'm a humanist,
it's like really?
Really? I'll be a humanist when
we're being chased by machines.
[laughter]
It's the same people
who are like, all lives matter.
First of all they don't.
[laughter]
Second of all they won't
until black lives matter,
why is that not okay to you,
why can't black lives matter?
It's like, I'll give you
all lives
are getting shot, hashtag,
it's not as catchy.
But all lives are getting shot.
Everybody's getting shot,
everybody short of NRA lobbyist
are getting shot,
there are so many mass
shootings in 2016
we should just start
calling them shootings,
it's like why waste words when
we don't have time on our side?
But when you hear
about a shooting,
You can pretty much assume it
involves a butt load of people,
we'll just call those shootings
everything else
we'll call niche shootings.
Niche, niche, niche shootings.
Niche shootings.
Niche shootings.
Artisanal shootings.
Single origin.
Locally grown.
Probably involved
an improv tea
And a musket in
Brooklyn shootings.
I'm very optimistic
about gun control though.
I am very hopeful for the state
of gun control in our country,
and what gives me hope
is the LGBTQ movement,
the gay rights movement,
because that movement,
in just such
a short amount of time,
has shifted our consciousness
in such a progressive,
wonderful direction,
and I think it's because we all
have empathy for that cause,
we all know someone who's gay,
we've all loved
someone who's bi.
[laughter]
We all know someone who's gay,
we've all loved
someone who's bi.
We all have understanding
of that struggle,
we have empathy for that cause.
So in terms of gun control
it's just going to take
A little bit of time
for us to all know
someone who's been shot.
I give it a couple of months.
But I have hope.
The reason I'm even
talking about guns
Is because guns
are a woman's issue.
Where there are more guns,
more women die,
guns are the second
most dangerous thing
You could have in a house,
the only thing more dangerous
than guns, men.
67 percent of murders
are caused by guns,
90 percent of murders
are caused by men.
Come on you guys.
Look I'm not anti-men,
I just think we need
a little men control.
[applause and cheering]
Help us out.
Not all men hashtag,
not all men.
Just need a little men control,
maybe spike your Axe
body spray with Oxytocin.
Just some commonsense
regulations.
Not all men,
hashtag not all men.
Just some men.
Some loaded men.
Loaded men can be
very dangerous or,
men who want you to think
they're loaded which
Is why they don't release
their tax returns.
[cheering]
On that note.
How are you guys feeling
watching America
slip into fascism?
You guys okay?
Is anyone here voting for Trump
It's a free country.
It won't be.
It won't be if he wins.
Remember when it was funny?
Remember when Donald Trump
was funny,
Just saying his name
was a punchline?
All the Tweets, all the jokes.
Comparing him to Hitler like,
Donald Trump's
got nothing on Hitler.
Donald Trump's
nothing like Hitler,
what's Trump ever done
to support female directors?
And then we started to see that
he's kind of like Hitler,
people are saluting him
like Hitler,
he's Tweeting out
anti-Semitic propaganda
like Hitler,
the only difference is that like
Hitler served in his military.
[laughter]
Noise. Best heckle ever.
The scariest thing about Trump
isn't that he might win,
it's that in a way
he already has.
He has shifted us
so far to crazy.
He's exposed a vulnerability
in our nation
that hasn't been exposed
since 9/11.
Callback.
[laughter]
He has exposed
a vulnerability in our nation
that we haven't seen
since 9/11.
I'm not comparing him
to Bin Laden.
Well.
When you think about it,
both did use their
daddy's money
to fuck up New York's skyline.
[applause and cheering]
I don't want to talk
about Trump too much
Because he's a narcissist
and I think the best way
to defeat a narcissist
is to just ignore them.
If New York dating
has taught me anything.
That was just like women
groaning, uh.
I think the best way
to get rid of a narcissist
is to just ignore them.
But I will say this.
If any of you,
or anybody watching on Fios
if any of you are planning
to vote for Donald Trump,
when you step into that booth
on November 9th.
[laughter]
When you step into that booth
on Wednesday, November 9th.
Write that down.
Trump supporters,
Wednesday, November 9th,
when you step into that booth,
just think,
do you really want
somebody so impulsive
To have the nuclear codes,
because if he has them
we all will,
They'll just be T-R-U-M-P.
And look I don't blame Trump,
narcissism is
a medical disorder,
I don't blame him,
I blame the media
for using him as click bait,
I blame us for not
taking him seriously,
I blame the GOP, Paul Ryan,
Marco Rubio, Satan.
By Satan I just mean
Ted Cruz but.
I'm afraid to say
his name three times.
Because he might appear.
I'm afraid to say
Ted Cruz's name three times
because he might show up
and we have, we're at capacity.
Ted Cruz hasn't gone away,
he just dropped out
to prepare for 2020,
like he'll be back
they always are,
He'll show up when you least
expect it like in the shower.
But part of me is like, should
not be joking about Cruz
Because when we joke about them
we normalize them
and we push them
into the mainstream
And then they corrupt
the mainstream,
So it's like should
we not be joking about Cruz,
Should we not be calling him
the Zodiac Killer?
That's a person
you're talking about.
Don't compare him to Ted Cruz.
I would actually, I would vote
for the Zodiac Killer
over Ted Cruz.
'Cause he's never tried
to shut down the government.
The worst thing about Ted Cruz
is that now,
I never thought I'd say this,
but he is more likable
than Trump.
I don't know how that happened
but I look at Ted Cruz
and I'm like, that guy stands
for something.
That guy's principled.
Sure his principles
are hastening the Apocalypse
So he can get back home to Hell
but at least it's something.
Trump is way scarier than Cruz
because we like Trump,
Trump is a reflection
of what we value in 2016,
Cruz doesn't have one.
But.
Cruz doesn't have a reflection.
But, Trump is a reflection
of what we value,
we value celebrity,
we listen to actors,
people paid to say
other people's words
are who we listen to.
Screw Amnesty International,
what does Anne
Hathaway have to say
about the decriminalization
of sex work?
She should know, 'cause she
played a prostitute in Les Mis?
No.
And look, I like Anne Hathaway,
I mean she's a brunette so,
she's cool but,
celebrities are worse and like,
reality stars are worse
because they don't have skills,
I'm like, I don't want to shit
on Kim Kardashian.
Unless she pays me.
[laughter]
I don't want to shit on Kim
or Kortney or Khloe
Or Kylie or Caitlin or.
Or Kendall or.
Or Rob.
Or Rob but,
we're choking on them.
We are choking on them,
every time you read
about a Kardashian,
Every time you see
a Kardashian on TV,
Boko Haram can kidnap
another Nigerian girl
because there's no political
will to stop them
Because we're all just
Googling Kim's ass.
I don't hate.
It's like, ha-ha,
where's the joke?
Ha-ha.
Bring back our girls 'cause
they're still missing, ha-ha.
Hashtag they're still
missing but,
I don't hate actors
or celebrities or,
I just think they're
destroying America.
They are. They actually
are if you think about it.
When did America
start to decline?
When the middleclass eroded.
Which was when?
And I should be careful
with rhetorical questions
'cause guys just answer.
[laughter]
America started to fall
when the middleclass eroded,
when we started giving
tax breaks to the rich
hoping that they would trickle
down to the poor.
The year was 1980,
when we elected an actor
to be President
of the United States of America
and thanks to Reaganomics
and a trail of poverty
and disenfranchisement
it left in its place,
a golden-haired hydra
has just blown up
the whole party.
I'm thinking about
this a lot more now
Because I have a niece
and I have a nephew.
And I am terrified
as to the America
and the world
that they are going to inherit,
And we didn't even
get to global warming.
[laughter]
I'm terrified as to the world
that they're going to inherit,
More my niece 'cause my nephew
he's a little white dude,
You can just like drop them
on their heads
And they end up President Bush.
But with my niece, you have to
be so careful with little girls
how we talk to them.
It's not okay to tell
little girls that they're cute.
It's not PC to tell them
that they're cute,
We're supposed to tell them
that they're smart.
But my niece
is three months old,
I don't know if she's smart.
[laughter]
What if she's an idiot?
But I tell her that she's smart
and she grows up
to have a false sense
of confidence,
That is way more dangerous
than an eating disorder.
I would rather a hundred girls
grow up
to be women with
low self-esteem
than just one grow up
to be Sarah Palin.
[laughter]
Thanks.
And I can't even call her
a cunt anymore
'cause she's
no longer threatening.
But there was a point
in American history
where Sarah Palin
was almost a heartbeat away
from being President
of the United States,
and if that is not
a warning sign
to what's going on now,
or a sign of a broken system,
I don't know what is.
And I think part of the reason
our system's broken,
besides the fact
that democracy's an illusion,
is that what it takes
to get elected
Is the opposite of what it take
to be a good leader.
What it takes to get elected
is likability.
What it takes to be
a good leader is being a...
Cunt.
Bingo.
What it takes to get elected
is likability,
What it takes to be
a good leader is being a cunt.
Which brings me to Hillary.
[cheering and applause]
The one C word more offensive
to half of America
than cunt is Clinton
and that's not even
her real last name.
The one C word more offensive
to half of America
than cunt is Clinton.
Really quickly let's just
talk about cunt.
Let's just talk,
let's just talk you guys,
let's just talk about cunt
for a second.
What is a cunt?
It's just that part all women,
cisgender women have.
It's the birth canal, but also
the locust of female pleasure,
be it sexual or Presidential.
I'm not a biologist.
And why are we
so afraid of cunt,
We're so afraid, it's like,
is it because we all have PTSD
Because they were
the first place we escaped from.
They're not going
to suck us back in.
And now with Hillary,
America hates Hillary,
America hates Hillary Clinton.
It's not 'cause
she's a woman, right guys?
[laughter]
It's not 'cause
she's a woman right ladies?
Guys, ladies.
Why is it though?
It's because she's insincere,
inauthentic, boring.
What was that?
>> Her voice.
Her voice.
Unlikeable.
She lies.
She's a liar, shrill.
Sellout.
>> Sellout, all right,
all right.
America has more words
for why we hate Hillary
than Inuits have for snow.
But it's not 'cause
she's a woman right?
It's not 'cause she's a woman.
If you ask people
why they hate her,
They'll tell you it's cause
she's a bitch or a cunt
before they will ever tell you
it's because she's a woman.
So maybe we'll never know.
[laughter]
If only there was a way we could
gauge America's misogyny.
You'd have to construct
a social experiment.
Just go with me.
If you could have Hillary run
against the worst candidate
known to mankind,
so racist and so a threat
to national security
that even remotely moderate
racists wouldn't vote for him,
if you could get that guy
to run against Hillary,
then, and only then,
would you really get a sense
of what percent of America
would rather see
a Tweeting asteroid crash
into our democracy
than a woman lead it.
[applause]
Thank you.
This is all just hypothetical.
Wishful thinking.
A girl can dream.
Not too much.
Not too much.
Full disclosure, politics aside
I love Hillary.
I love Hillary Clinton.
I love her like
I love Lady Macbeth,
I just.
I love her, like whatever
unlikable female protagonist
Netflix throws my way,
I love Hillary Clinton.
And we give her a hard time,
we all have skeletons
in our emails.
Who hasn't killed a friend?
She's been accused
of killing 50 people
and she's still standing,
I mean come on,
for no other reason
that's pretty impressive.
And, okay, I felt
the Bern too okay?
Love Bernie too,
I felt the Bern
And then I just started
drinking cranberry juice
And peeing after sex
and it went away.
But I liked Bernie Sanders
a lot as well,
and if Bernie had been a young,
idealistic Senator
from Illinois
And it was 2008,
I would have
totally voted for him.
But we've already
had hope and change.
Now it's time for Hillary.
[laughter]
That should be her slogan.
We've already had hope
and change,
now it's time for Hillary.
Give uninspired a chance.
Sign up for Hillary.
Instead her slogan is,
I'm With Her.
She's not a rape victim.
Well, she might be.
One in six but.
Hillary's slogan should just
be come on you guys.
Am I the man or not?
I don't know
why I like her so much,
It's not 'cause she's
already been President.
For those of you who thought
Bill was President,
Uh, not after '98.
He was in the doghouse,
she was running that ship.
I think I like her because
I have brand loyalty
to Hillary Clinton,
she's the brand
that I grew up with,
She reminds me
of the Tampax tampons
in my mom's bathroom,
those rayon-laded
1980s version of feminism.
Shoulder pads for your vagina.
The feminine hygiene product
for a man's world.
Never tested in a lab.
Hillary's tampons,
whereas Bernie's the diva cup.
I know a lot of the guys in here
might not know what that is.
It's okay, not everything
has to be explained to you.
[cheering and applause]
Hillary's tampon's,
Bernie's a diva cup,
He may be better
for the environment,
he may be better for my body,
but at the end of the day,
I don't want to get blood
on my hands.
And I think that's
what will happen
If we don't all get
behind not-Trump.
Bernie supporters,
I'm just guessing by the beards
Just call her not-Trump,
just call her not-Trump.
I'm sorry, I get it, Bernie did
a lot of great things
for this election,
pushing Hillary's politics
to the left,
I mean so with the wind,
But he did a lot
of really great things.
He did a lot of really
great things
and now it's time to just
let him rest in peace.
And I don't mean to talk
about Bernie like he's dead.
It's not 2018.
Feel the Bern.
Some of my dear friends
feel so upset
They're not voting
in this election.
And it kills me,
because Bernie or bust people
Fall into two categories,
dear friends of mine,
and people who bike
on the sidewalk.
Please stop biking
on the sidewalk,
you're going to
get us all killed.
Just get in the bike lane
like everybody else.
I'm sorry people
still drive cars,
I'm sorry that every lane
isn't a bike lane,
I wish every lane
were a bike lane
But that shit takes time.
When a fiery psychopath
is about to light
our democracy on fire
just bite the bullet
and give our daughters hope.
[laughter]
Please. Just think about it,
she's been through so much.
She's older now,
she's wiser now,
she has so much experience,
she's been through
multiple wars.
I'm talking about America.
Who better to lead her
through the twilight
of her global supremacy
than Hillary Clinton?
Or any woman over 60.
Any remotely
progressive woman over 60.
Just think about it
strategically, diplomatically,
Think about all the meetings
they'd be able to eavesdrop on.
If no one could see them.
Women over 60 should
run the world.
Or not. I don't even know
why I'm thinking about this.
It's not like I vote.
I'm actually not even political
[laughter]
I just pretend to be so that
people will think I'm young.
Because nothing makes you
look younger than thinking
you can make a difference.
[applause and cheering]
Thank you guys so much.
[music]
[music]
Ladies and gentlemen,
please put your hands together
and give some love
and energy to Jena Friedman.
[applause and cheering]
Thank you guys.
Thank you.
Thank you so much.
Thank you guys so much
for coming out to American Cunt
[applause and cheering]
Thank you.
I've done this show quite a bit
and when I first wrote it
I didn't realize what
an offensive word it is.
American.
[laughter]
It's such an offensive word
in every other country
that I've done this show,
American is a more
offensive word.
In the UK, cunt is
a term of endearment.
But here it's
a very loaded word.
But why, we have such
a beautiful literary tradition
with the word cunt.
Shakespeare used the word cunt,
Chaucer, James Joyce,
D.H. Lawrence,
Samuel Beckett,
so many great men...
[laughter]
..throughout history
have used the word cunt,
and I'm sure women
would have too,
if we were taught how to read.
[laughter]
I have no allegiance
to the word cunt,
I'm not trying to reclaim it,
I don't identify as a cunt.
If anything I identify
as a New Yorker,
any New Yorkers in the house?
[cheering]
Awesome.
For those of you
who aren't we are I guess
Like a level of cunt.
Just 'cause of what it takes
to live here, it's so hard.
The other night I got my first
up-skirt photo of the season.
I was walking on Broadway,
a guy came up behind,
snapped a photo up my skirt,
and it happened so fast
by the time I realized
What he had done
he was halfway down the block
And I just wanted
to scream at him
but I couldn't think
of what to say
Other than, pay me.
[laughter]
80 bucks.
Or venmo.
In my 20's I would
have chased him down
but now I just want to get paid
[laughter]
About a year ago,
the place across the street
from where I used
to live exploded.
The Super was syphoning gas,
the whole building
went up in flames,
the place I used
to get foot massagees
burnt to the ground.
I say massagees because
he was a hand-job place.
But they gave
the best foot massages
because they were so happy
it wasn't a dick.
[laughter]
They still did it like this
but they were so happy my foot
was not a dick,
you know, I was so happy,
My foot, we were all just,
you know, life's little joys.
But I was lamenting
the loss of this place
to a friend of mine
who told me about a massage
parlor his friend went to.
And his friend was lying
on the table getting a massage
and he got a boner
and the masseuse saw it
and she said do you want a wank
and he was like,
yeah a little.
So then she leaves
and he's just lying
on the table
with an erection
for like ten minutes
waiting for her to come back,
And finally she does
and she says, are you finished?
[laughter]
It's like, what a feminist
hand-job place.
I hope she charged
for that time.
Feminism.
It's so trendy now
and it scares me.
And the one person who laughs
at the word feminism.
The least funny word
you could say onstage.
It's so trendy now
and it scares me
when words become trendy
because I think
They become more open
to corruption and like,
there's so many
new flavors of feminism
It's just hard to keep up,
there's sex positive feminism,
which if you don't know
is a really cool term
For women who love anal.
[laughter]
Male feminists, are there any
male feminists in the audience?
[applause]
Thank you, I love you guys,
I love male feminists,
I just wish you
could support us
Without having to take
credit for it.
Love male feminists.
I'm getting older now,
I feel great though,
I still fit into
my 9/11 jeans.
I never forget how good
I looked in those,
the weapons of mass seduction.
These aren't those,
don't get weird,
These are from,
I think, Katrina.
They're still wet.
I have all these questions
about getting older as a female
Like, how am I
supposed to catch cabs
once I become invisible?
[laughter]
I know we shouldn't make fun
of women over 60,
there could be some here,
but how would we know?
You can't see them.
I was just in Los Angeles
pitching a script.
It's kind of like
the Sixth Sense
But about a man
who sees women
over 60 as attractive,
and they were all like,
too high concept.
What's a woman over 60
and it's like, oh LA, ah.
We have them in New York
it's just hard to tell
Because of what New York City
does to all women,
the wear and tear, the elements
that get thrown in our faces,
bodily fluids and like air
conditioning unit jiz
that gets,
all of it just after
a certain point
all just makes us look like
we eat out of a trash can.
[laughter]
Women are my target demo,
we just don't know it yet
'cause we're taught
to hate each other.
But I think we can be
best friends,
as long as we don't have
the same color hair.
Be like Tina and Amy
hosting the Golden Globes.
And I think we need to do
a better job
At supporting each other.
That's what I'm talking about,
like right ladies?
[applause and cheering]
Thank you, thank you.
I think we need to do
a better job
At supporting each other
'cause we suck at it
And I realized this after
last year's London Marathon,
there is a runner,
her name is Kiran Gandhi,
she ran the whole marathon
while on her period,
with no tampon
or pad or anything.
I think she was trying to raise
awareness about periods.
It's like half the population
already kind of gets it
But you be you.
I support you Kiran.
She got a lot of shit for that.
But I think as women, and men,
we need to get behind her.
Not literally 'cause
that would be a mess
but, I think
she's onto something.
Like if we want workplace
equality we can't just lean in,
we have to bleed out.
Seriously, seriously,
if you walk into
your boss' office
with blood on your person,
you might get that raise.
You'll definitely
get that office.
He'll be like, take it, ugh,
I'm out of here.
I think the best way
to age gracefully as a woman
is to have been born a man.
[laughter]
Which brings me
to Caitlin Jenner.
She is fair game now that she's
come out in support of Ted Cruz
I want to be PC
when I talk about Caitlin,
Like is it not politically
correct to assume Caitlin
might be a bad driver,
if it was
Bruce who committed
vehicular manslaughter.
Not Caitlin, God forbid no,
but Bruce Jenner,
a lot of people don't recall,
Bruce Jenner ran over
a 69 year old woman
and was never prosecuted.
In his defense,
he might not have seen her.
[laughter]
We have one of our first
openly trans female athletes
and her name is Fallon Fox
and she is an MMA fighter
and she's killing it.
'Cause she's beating up women.
[laughter]
Hey I support her,
I support you Fallon,
I support her, it takes ball...
it takes a lot of courage
to do what she's doing,
I support you Fallon,
my only question is,
could you have picked
any other sport?
Literally, every other sport
doesn't involve attacking women
and like, I'm insensitive,
and it's not like she was
an MMA fighter
and then transitioned.
No, she transitioned
and was like,
what will I be great at?
[laughter]
I don't want to be insensitive,
but maybe that's who I am.
Maybe I'm an insensitive person
trapped in a woman's body.
It's so hard to talk
about gender identity
with sensitivity and nuance
so we just don't.
We just don't
even talk about it.
What we're doing though
is we're like,
Canceling shows
and silencing people.
Mount Holyoake,
a woman's college,
Mount Holyoake recently
canceled a performance
Of The Vagina Monologues
because they felt the term
vagina was too narrow a view
of what it means to be a woman
and I'm like, it stretches,
but also.
[laughter]
Don't make me,
don't make me defend
The Vagina Monologues.
What a shitty show.
I spent a decade as a comedian
working my butt off
to not say vagina onstage,
but now that it's being taken
away from me I'm like, vagina.
It's so hard
to talk about this stuff
And I blame
the estrogen supplements.
I'm not talking
about transwomen.
I'm not talking
about transwomen,
I'm talking about myself,
a cisgender woman.
Take it or take it,
better than the other C word.
I was on the pill
for two weeks in my twenties.
And it made me bat shit insane.
Estrogen makes all women,
cis and trans, insane.
It doesn't make us
kill people like testosterone.
[laughter]
It doesn't make us punch a wall
'cause we stubbed our toe
you fucking mammals.
But it makes us
all a little nuts.
And I think the larger issue is
I've always had the privilege
to never have to question
my own gender identity.
So now that I am,
I guess that there
Is another option besides
being a woman I'll take it.
Gender neutral, gender fluid,
two spear,
whatever that is can probably
drive in Saudi Arabia.
On the bright side,
I don't think
There's any better time
or place
to be a woman than in the
global north in 2016.
But then I think
about the American South
and it breaks my heart,
but it's also
my favorite portion of the show
[laughter]
The abortion portion.
The abortion portion.
I have so many abortion jokes.
Hey they just
keep writing themselves,
But I think the best thing
about abortion jokes
is that no one tries
to steal them.
They are like the unwanted
children of jokes.
And I don't think abortion
is even a political issue
as much as it
is a branding issue.
In Texas for example,
if instead of abortion
If we just called
it fetus hunting.
They would be so excited
to take the kids
to Planned Parenthood
and go fetus hunting
on the weekends.
Same with Florida,
if we called abortion
early retirement,
done and done you know?
Alabama.
I have one for every state.
If in Alabama if we called
abortion the death penalty,
the whole state
would vote for it.
The whole state
would vote for it.
Alabama's state bird
is the electric chair.
Is anyone here from Alabama?
It's a trick question,
they don't fund public transit
so it's very hard to leave.
It's very hard to get out.
There's a war on women going
on in our country.
Planned Parenthood's
getting attacked left and right
getting accused
of selling baby parts,
it's like, please,
first of all they're not baby
parts it's fetal tissue
And second of all,
they're not selling them,
they're practically
giving them away.
[laughter]
I get in a lot of trouble
for my abortion jokes.
After Antonin Scalia passed
away I took to Twitter,
because that's how I grieve,
and I Tweeted, now that's what
I call a late-term abortion.
It was too soon,
it was lightning fast but.
I got a lot of shit for that,
a lot of people Tweeting at me,
telling me they wish
I had been aborted.
Yeah. And it just
warmed my heart.
Because at least
they're coming around.
[laughter]
Thank you.
[applause]
Thank you.
It's like if you want me
to have been aborted
maybe the zygote
Of a pregnant teen
isn't so far behind.
What bothers me most about
abortion laws in the states
is that they are not
based on science.
In Virginia for example,
if you want to get an abobo in.
[laughter]
Do you guys call it an abobo?
No one does.
If you want to get
an abobo in Virginia,
they make you get an ultrasound
they show you
a photo of the fetus,
and then they send you away
to deliberate on it
For like 24 hours or 48 or 72
until it's crowning.
Where's the science to that?
Where's the science that says
showing me a photo of my fetus
is going to make me want
to keep it, they're not cuddly.
It's like Republican lawmakers,
and I should say
Right Wing lawmakers
Because by the time
this special airs
That Party
may no longer exist but.
[laughter]
Right Wing lawmakers.
Conservative lawmakers.
If you want me to keep a child,
I respect your choice
to not resect mine,
but at least sell me on it.
Don't show me
a photo of a fetus,
Show me a photo of something
that resonates,
Like maybe a photo of myself
in 60 years
trying to walk down
a flight of stairs alone.
[laughter]
Any moms in the audience?
[applause]
Thank you for coming out
and abandoning your kids,
thank you.
Thank you moms.
I love moms.
I'm such a fangirl of moms.
When I was young
I'd just follow one around
All the time in a van.
Love moms.
Especially single moms,
single moms are like, so Indy.
They're so DIY.
[laughter]
Working moms, oh working
moms are so bad ass,
it's like saying Chai tea,
two words that mean
the same thing.
[laughter]
My friend just had a kid
and I asked her how it went
and she said,
to tell you the truth Jena,
He almost gave me a vaganus.
I was like, what's a...?
What? That's a thing,
it's called a four 30 tear,
a child can literally
rip you a new asshole.
We don't know about this cause
if we did we'd become extinct.
But a child can literally
rip you a new asshole
and then, you have to love it?
And if you leave it in a car
for two minutes
You can go to jail,
that's so messed up.
I've never been to jail,
'cause I'm smart.
Just kidding,
it's 'cause I'm white.
[laughter]
I hope you're not clapping
'cause you're white.
It's so hard for a white woman
in 2016 to go to jail
that we have a TV show
about the one time it happened.
It's hard to get a TV show,
sometimes
It feels like you literally
have to have two heads
to get a TV show in America.
Have you guys seen that show,
Abby and Brittany, on TLC?
For those of you
who don't know TLC
Is like a modern-day
Ripley's Believe It or Not.
And there's a show,
Abby and Brittany,
About conjoined twins,
two heads, one body,
if they'd called it that it
would have gotten cancelled.
It wasn't actually cancelled
it was postponed indefinitely
because you can't exploit
people and then cancel them,
It's kind of bad PR.
But the reason
I bring up Brittany and Abby
Is because they're the most
confident women I've ever seen.
If I had two heads
I'd be very insecure,
I'd probably just grow my hair
really long
And take turns hiding in it.
But they are out there,
living life to the fullest,
they're going on dates,
they're turning down men,
they make me want
to have two heads,
just as a writer,
to have someone
to bounce ideas off of.
[laughter]
To have someone around
who knows me and gets me
And could give me
good life advice.
Like, Jena, stop dating jerks.
But would jerks even date me
if I had two heads?
Probably not. It's like
a pretty nice guy move.
A jerk might like,
fuck both my mouths
And not take me to brunch.
[laughter]
Jerks.
Brittany and Abby
are the most confident women
I've ever seen in my life
and I think they hold the key
to how we need
to raise all girls,
to instill within
the the confidence
to be able to handle
whatever life throws at them,
we need to raise our girls as
if they were born
with multiple heads.
Looks don't matter,
what counts is up here.
But we don't do that,
what do we do?
We give our girls Barbies,
we give our daughters Barbies.
Now we have Barbies
without thigh gaps.
Mattel recently issued
a new line of Barbies
without thigh gaps,
it's like come on,
if you have a chubby daughter
don't give her chubby Barbie,
strap her to a treadmill
and make her chase it.
It's not a fat joke.
It's not a fat joke, it's just
a window into how I was raised.
Worse case scenario
she ends up a comedian.
But we don't do that, we give
boys action figures you know,
and it's like we're never
going to achieve equality
As long as boys get action
figures and girls get like,
sedentary sex dolls
without holes.
[laughter]
It's so weird how we market
to girls and women,
like I was walking down
the street the other day
And this guy came up to me,
and he said I never do this,
but I think you're cute and
I'd like to get your number.
And he wasn't really my type
but I didn't want to discourage
his romantic gesture,
So I said how about my email?
And he was like, no,
your number or nothing,
and I was like, nothing dude,
like I don't even know you,
and so he just walked away.
And I was like
what type of person
Would only want my phone number
and not my email?
And then it occurred to me,
a telemarketer.
Okay, even if that guy
wasn't a telemarketer,
I would not put it past
any company in 2016
to just hire random dudes
to chat up women
on the street,
get our phone numbers
and all of a sudden
you have like a text popping up
From Brian that's really just
like an ad for Nussa yogurt.
And then next thing you know,
the guy you've been sleeping
with for three months
is really just part
of Nestle's street team
trying to get you pregnant
so that you'll buy
their infant formula.
So ladies, practice safe sex
so that Nestle
doesn't creep into your womb.
[laughter]
This joke has been
brought to you by Trust Issues.
They're real and I have them.
I was talking
to a male comedian recently.
Oh, now we're all quiet.
Shush. What did he have to say?
I was talking
to a male comedian recently,
He said I feel so bad for women
it seems so hard to be you guys
you guys will just
drop everything
If you meet someone you love,
you'll just drop
your careers for love.
He's not entirely wrong,
I have female friends
who have put their careers
on pause to start a family,
'cause in America
we don't have paid leave,
but men aren't that different.
You guys might not
drop your careers for love,
but you'll fuck it up
for a sex crime.
[laughter]
Which brings me to Cosby.
I don't want to joke
about Bill Cosby
because to this day
he remains one of my
favorite anesthesiologists.
Everyone's always like,
Bill Cosby's such
a great storyteller,
It's like, we see that now,
but also a pretty
exceptional anesthesiologist.
I mean that many women,
to be able to put
that many women to sleep
and make sure that they woke
up without any med school,
without any training.
Some of you might be thinking
did they all wake up?
I don't know, that's not
for a comedian to figure out,
But if any of you work
for the news, get on it.
I'm not a statistician but they
probably didn't all wake up.
[laughter]
People don't like jokes
about dead people, okay now.
Part of me wonders is it too
late to joke about Bill Cosby
'cause he's been
in the news for so long,
but he keeps being in the news
'cause women
Keep coming out in pairs,
like we go to the bathroom,
accusing him of rape,
and women are going
to keep coming out
Because it's very scary
for women
to come out and admit
to the world
That they were born before 1980
[laughter]
I don't even tell people
my age anymore, I just say
I'm younger than the amount
of women Cosby's raped.
Which puts me under 60,
who's counting?
He blocked me on Twitter.
Whoa.
>> Thanks, he blocked me
on Twitter recently,
I was upset about it,
it actually made me
a little sad,
I took it personally
But I was like,
don't take it personally,
You know blocking women,
silencing women
is just his version of foreplay
Silencing women is Bill
Cosby's version of foreplay.
I want to take this moment
to thank the guys
In the audience
for not silencing me,
for not blocking me,
for being here.
Men, thank you for being here,
thank you for listening
to me guys,
Give yourselves a round
of applause, just the men.
[applause]
Just the men, you can do it,
come on men.
Men thank you so much
for listening to me.
I know I only have
a couple of years left.
I love men.
One of my best friends is a man
I love men,
I try to date you guys,
and you're so bad at it
because you're so sensitive.
You guys are so fragile,
you're like little butterflies
of testosterone.
I want to start dating women
but I'm not attracted to women
So how do I go about that?
Do I just start
with men shorter than me?
Look that was not
in the show originally,
That joke was not in the show,
but then I got
some reviewers saying,
you know she's edgy,
she pulls no punches,
and I was like,
you want to know what's edgy?
Not AIDs, rape, Ebola, abortion
taking about men
shorter than me.
'Cause that is
the last frontier.
You do not joke about short men
You do not joke about short men
A., 'cause that's who runs shit
[laughter]
And B.,
I look to the women for support
and you can't laugh
'cause that's who
you're here with.
Those are the keepers.
Those are the keepers and look,
don't feel bad
for short guys okay?
Boohoo. Being born
with the will to succeed.
I actually don't
see gender okay?
I don't see gender.
Once it's below my eye line
I just, I don't see it.
But I hear gender a lot,
especially now
that the election's coming up,
I hear gender so much.
Part of the reason
I like the word cunt is
because there's no male
equivalent to the word cunt,
but it's not even the worst
of the words.
Bitch is way worse than cunt,
because if you call
someone a cunt
It's on you
or using that language,
If you call someone a bitch,
she's a bitch.
Right, I mean
she's probably a bitch.
And the one word that's worse
than bitch is, any guesses?
>> Slut.
>> Crazy.
>> Dyke.
>> Thank you.
[laughter]
Someone said it,
someone's homophobic, no.
Crazy.
Crazy is the worst word
you can call a woman
because it's just dismissive,
it mutes her, it denies
that bitch a voice.
Men will call women crazy
for the silliest things,
like if we text too much.
Men call women crazy
if we text too much.
But then men can chop off heads
and blow up entire cities
and what do we call them?
Terrorists.
A state.
Is anyone in here from ISIS?
[laughter]
It seems very hard
to be a woman in ISIS.
Just the lack
of leadership positons.
Very little upward mobility.
If you want to blow yourself up
as a Jihadista,
or Jihadette,
I don't know the PC term.
I don't know the PC term
for female Jihadist but,
if you want to blow
yourself up as a Jihadista,
you have to get
permission from a man.
That's real,
there's a glass burka...
in pieces.
I know some of you are thinking
that would make it see-through
but just go with it.
It seems very hard for them.
After the Paris attacks
there was a Jihadian
who was blown up,
the French police
were looking for her cousin,
they knocked on her door,
they said we know
your boyfriend's in there.
She said, he's not my boyfriend
and then she was blown up.
Her last words were,
he's not my boyfriend.
I was like, sing it sister but.
The New York Post,
bastion of journalism,
covered her the next day,
and they actually
called her a skank.
The headline was,
Skanky Suicide Bomber used
to be Selfie-talking
Party Animal.
They took pictures of her
partying from her Facebook page
and posted them online,
they said her
nickname was Cowgirl
'cause all the guys
used to ride her,
they slut-shamed a terrorist.
The one woman
you could call crazy
and get away with it,
uh, women cannot have it all.
[laughter]
As a person I get it,
she sucked, I get it.
But, as a feminist,
I find it kind of problematic.
Cat's out of the bag,
I'm a feminist,
I support equality,
I know it's kind of edgy
but I support equality.
What I don't support are people
who just duck out
of that conversation
Because they're not feminists,
rather they are humanists.
Sorry I'm not going
to weigh on feminism
because I'm a humanist,
it's like really?
Really? I'll be a humanist when
we're being chased by machines.
[laughter]
It's the same people
who are like, all lives matter.
First of all they don't.
[laughter]
Second of all they won't
until black lives matter,
why is that not okay to you,
why can't black lives matter?
It's like, I'll give you
all lives
are getting shot, hashtag,
it's not as catchy.
But all lives are getting shot.
Everybody's getting shot,
everybody short of NRA lobbyist
are getting shot,
there are so many mass
shootings in 2016
we should just start
calling them shootings,
it's like why waste words when
we don't have time on our side?
But when you hear
about a shooting,
You can pretty much assume it
involves a butt load of people,
we'll just call those shootings
everything else
we'll call niche shootings.
Niche, niche, niche shootings.
Niche shootings.
Niche shootings.
Artisanal shootings.
Single origin.
Locally grown.
Probably involved
an improv tea
And a musket in
Brooklyn shootings.
I'm very optimistic
about gun control though.
I am very hopeful for the state
of gun control in our country,
and what gives me hope
is the LGBTQ movement,
the gay rights movement,
because that movement,
in just such
a short amount of time,
has shifted our consciousness
in such a progressive,
wonderful direction,
and I think it's because we all
have empathy for that cause,
we all know someone who's gay,
we've all loved
someone who's bi.
[laughter]
We all know someone who's gay,
we've all loved
someone who's bi.
We all have understanding
of that struggle,
we have empathy for that cause.
So in terms of gun control
it's just going to take
A little bit of time
for us to all know
someone who's been shot.
I give it a couple of months.
But I have hope.
The reason I'm even
talking about guns
Is because guns
are a woman's issue.
Where there are more guns,
more women die,
guns are the second
most dangerous thing
You could have in a house,
the only thing more dangerous
than guns, men.
67 percent of murders
are caused by guns,
90 percent of murders
are caused by men.
Come on you guys.
Look I'm not anti-men,
I just think we need
a little men control.
[applause and cheering]
Help us out.
Not all men hashtag,
not all men.
Just need a little men control,
maybe spike your Axe
body spray with Oxytocin.
Just some commonsense
regulations.
Not all men,
hashtag not all men.
Just some men.
Some loaded men.
Loaded men can be
very dangerous or,
men who want you to think
they're loaded which
Is why they don't release
their tax returns.
[cheering]
On that note.
How are you guys feeling
watching America
slip into fascism?
You guys okay?
Is anyone here voting for Trump
It's a free country.
It won't be.
It won't be if he wins.
Remember when it was funny?
Remember when Donald Trump
was funny,
Just saying his name
was a punchline?
All the Tweets, all the jokes.
Comparing him to Hitler like,
Donald Trump's
got nothing on Hitler.
Donald Trump's
nothing like Hitler,
what's Trump ever done
to support female directors?
And then we started to see that
he's kind of like Hitler,
people are saluting him
like Hitler,
he's Tweeting out
anti-Semitic propaganda
like Hitler,
the only difference is that like
Hitler served in his military.
[laughter]
Noise. Best heckle ever.
The scariest thing about Trump
isn't that he might win,
it's that in a way
he already has.
He has shifted us
so far to crazy.
He's exposed a vulnerability
in our nation
that hasn't been exposed
since 9/11.
Callback.
[laughter]
He has exposed
a vulnerability in our nation
that we haven't seen
since 9/11.
I'm not comparing him
to Bin Laden.
Well.
When you think about it,
both did use their
daddy's money
to fuck up New York's skyline.
[applause and cheering]
I don't want to talk
about Trump too much
Because he's a narcissist
and I think the best way
to defeat a narcissist
is to just ignore them.
If New York dating
has taught me anything.
That was just like women
groaning, uh.
I think the best way
to get rid of a narcissist
is to just ignore them.
But I will say this.
If any of you,
or anybody watching on Fios
if any of you are planning
to vote for Donald Trump,
when you step into that booth
on November 9th.
[laughter]
When you step into that booth
on Wednesday, November 9th.
Write that down.
Trump supporters,
Wednesday, November 9th,
when you step into that booth,
just think,
do you really want
somebody so impulsive
To have the nuclear codes,
because if he has them
we all will,
They'll just be T-R-U-M-P.
And look I don't blame Trump,
narcissism is
a medical disorder,
I don't blame him,
I blame the media
for using him as click bait,
I blame us for not
taking him seriously,
I blame the GOP, Paul Ryan,
Marco Rubio, Satan.
By Satan I just mean
Ted Cruz but.
I'm afraid to say
his name three times.
Because he might appear.
I'm afraid to say
Ted Cruz's name three times
because he might show up
and we have, we're at capacity.
Ted Cruz hasn't gone away,
he just dropped out
to prepare for 2020,
like he'll be back
they always are,
He'll show up when you least
expect it like in the shower.
But part of me is like, should
not be joking about Cruz
Because when we joke about them
we normalize them
and we push them
into the mainstream
And then they corrupt
the mainstream,
So it's like should
we not be joking about Cruz,
Should we not be calling him
the Zodiac Killer?
That's a person
you're talking about.
Don't compare him to Ted Cruz.
I would actually, I would vote
for the Zodiac Killer
over Ted Cruz.
'Cause he's never tried
to shut down the government.
The worst thing about Ted Cruz
is that now,
I never thought I'd say this,
but he is more likable
than Trump.
I don't know how that happened
but I look at Ted Cruz
and I'm like, that guy stands
for something.
That guy's principled.
Sure his principles
are hastening the Apocalypse
So he can get back home to Hell
but at least it's something.
Trump is way scarier than Cruz
because we like Trump,
Trump is a reflection
of what we value in 2016,
Cruz doesn't have one.
But.
Cruz doesn't have a reflection.
But, Trump is a reflection
of what we value,
we value celebrity,
we listen to actors,
people paid to say
other people's words
are who we listen to.
Screw Amnesty International,
what does Anne
Hathaway have to say
about the decriminalization
of sex work?
She should know, 'cause she
played a prostitute in Les Mis?
No.
And look, I like Anne Hathaway,
I mean she's a brunette so,
she's cool but,
celebrities are worse and like,
reality stars are worse
because they don't have skills,
I'm like, I don't want to shit
on Kim Kardashian.
Unless she pays me.
[laughter]
I don't want to shit on Kim
or Kortney or Khloe
Or Kylie or Caitlin or.
Or Kendall or.
Or Rob.
Or Rob but,
we're choking on them.
We are choking on them,
every time you read
about a Kardashian,
Every time you see
a Kardashian on TV,
Boko Haram can kidnap
another Nigerian girl
because there's no political
will to stop them
Because we're all just
Googling Kim's ass.
I don't hate.
It's like, ha-ha,
where's the joke?
Ha-ha.
Bring back our girls 'cause
they're still missing, ha-ha.
Hashtag they're still
missing but,
I don't hate actors
or celebrities or,
I just think they're
destroying America.
They are. They actually
are if you think about it.
When did America
start to decline?
When the middleclass eroded.
Which was when?
And I should be careful
with rhetorical questions
'cause guys just answer.
[laughter]
America started to fall
when the middleclass eroded,
when we started giving
tax breaks to the rich
hoping that they would trickle
down to the poor.
The year was 1980,
when we elected an actor
to be President
of the United States of America
and thanks to Reaganomics
and a trail of poverty
and disenfranchisement
it left in its place,
a golden-haired hydra
has just blown up
the whole party.
I'm thinking about
this a lot more now
Because I have a niece
and I have a nephew.
And I am terrified
as to the America
and the world
that they are going to inherit,
And we didn't even
get to global warming.
[laughter]
I'm terrified as to the world
that they're going to inherit,
More my niece 'cause my nephew
he's a little white dude,
You can just like drop them
on their heads
And they end up President Bush.
But with my niece, you have to
be so careful with little girls
how we talk to them.
It's not okay to tell
little girls that they're cute.
It's not PC to tell them
that they're cute,
We're supposed to tell them
that they're smart.
But my niece
is three months old,
I don't know if she's smart.
[laughter]
What if she's an idiot?
But I tell her that she's smart
and she grows up
to have a false sense
of confidence,
That is way more dangerous
than an eating disorder.
I would rather a hundred girls
grow up
to be women with
low self-esteem
than just one grow up
to be Sarah Palin.
[laughter]
Thanks.
And I can't even call her
a cunt anymore
'cause she's
no longer threatening.
But there was a point
in American history
where Sarah Palin
was almost a heartbeat away
from being President
of the United States,
and if that is not
a warning sign
to what's going on now,
or a sign of a broken system,
I don't know what is.
And I think part of the reason
our system's broken,
besides the fact
that democracy's an illusion,
is that what it takes
to get elected
Is the opposite of what it take
to be a good leader.
What it takes to get elected
is likability.
What it takes to be
a good leader is being a...
Cunt.
Bingo.
What it takes to get elected
is likability,
What it takes to be
a good leader is being a cunt.
Which brings me to Hillary.
[cheering and applause]
The one C word more offensive
to half of America
than cunt is Clinton
and that's not even
her real last name.
The one C word more offensive
to half of America
than cunt is Clinton.
Really quickly let's just
talk about cunt.
Let's just talk,
let's just talk you guys,
let's just talk about cunt
for a second.
What is a cunt?
It's just that part all women,
cisgender women have.
It's the birth canal, but also
the locust of female pleasure,
be it sexual or Presidential.
I'm not a biologist.
And why are we
so afraid of cunt,
We're so afraid, it's like,
is it because we all have PTSD
Because they were
the first place we escaped from.
They're not going
to suck us back in.
And now with Hillary,
America hates Hillary,
America hates Hillary Clinton.
It's not 'cause
she's a woman, right guys?
[laughter]
It's not 'cause
she's a woman right ladies?
Guys, ladies.
Why is it though?
It's because she's insincere,
inauthentic, boring.
What was that?
>> Her voice.
Her voice.
Unlikeable.
She lies.
She's a liar, shrill.
Sellout.
>> Sellout, all right,
all right.
America has more words
for why we hate Hillary
than Inuits have for snow.
But it's not 'cause
she's a woman right?
It's not 'cause she's a woman.
If you ask people
why they hate her,
They'll tell you it's cause
she's a bitch or a cunt
before they will ever tell you
it's because she's a woman.
So maybe we'll never know.
[laughter]
If only there was a way we could
gauge America's misogyny.
You'd have to construct
a social experiment.
Just go with me.
If you could have Hillary run
against the worst candidate
known to mankind,
so racist and so a threat
to national security
that even remotely moderate
racists wouldn't vote for him,
if you could get that guy
to run against Hillary,
then, and only then,
would you really get a sense
of what percent of America
would rather see
a Tweeting asteroid crash
into our democracy
than a woman lead it.
[applause]
Thank you.
This is all just hypothetical.
Wishful thinking.
A girl can dream.
Not too much.
Not too much.
Full disclosure, politics aside
I love Hillary.
I love Hillary Clinton.
I love her like
I love Lady Macbeth,
I just.
I love her, like whatever
unlikable female protagonist
Netflix throws my way,
I love Hillary Clinton.
And we give her a hard time,
we all have skeletons
in our emails.
Who hasn't killed a friend?
She's been accused
of killing 50 people
and she's still standing,
I mean come on,
for no other reason
that's pretty impressive.
And, okay, I felt
the Bern too okay?
Love Bernie too,
I felt the Bern
And then I just started
drinking cranberry juice
And peeing after sex
and it went away.
But I liked Bernie Sanders
a lot as well,
and if Bernie had been a young,
idealistic Senator
from Illinois
And it was 2008,
I would have
totally voted for him.
But we've already
had hope and change.
Now it's time for Hillary.
[laughter]
That should be her slogan.
We've already had hope
and change,
now it's time for Hillary.
Give uninspired a chance.
Sign up for Hillary.
Instead her slogan is,
I'm With Her.
She's not a rape victim.
Well, she might be.
One in six but.
Hillary's slogan should just
be come on you guys.
Am I the man or not?
I don't know
why I like her so much,
It's not 'cause she's
already been President.
For those of you who thought
Bill was President,
Uh, not after '98.
He was in the doghouse,
she was running that ship.
I think I like her because
I have brand loyalty
to Hillary Clinton,
she's the brand
that I grew up with,
She reminds me
of the Tampax tampons
in my mom's bathroom,
those rayon-laded
1980s version of feminism.
Shoulder pads for your vagina.
The feminine hygiene product
for a man's world.
Never tested in a lab.
Hillary's tampons,
whereas Bernie's the diva cup.
I know a lot of the guys in here
might not know what that is.
It's okay, not everything
has to be explained to you.
[cheering and applause]
Hillary's tampon's,
Bernie's a diva cup,
He may be better
for the environment,
he may be better for my body,
but at the end of the day,
I don't want to get blood
on my hands.
And I think that's
what will happen
If we don't all get
behind not-Trump.
Bernie supporters,
I'm just guessing by the beards
Just call her not-Trump,
just call her not-Trump.
I'm sorry, I get it, Bernie did
a lot of great things
for this election,
pushing Hillary's politics
to the left,
I mean so with the wind,
But he did a lot
of really great things.
He did a lot of really
great things
and now it's time to just
let him rest in peace.
And I don't mean to talk
about Bernie like he's dead.
It's not 2018.
Feel the Bern.
Some of my dear friends
feel so upset
They're not voting
in this election.
And it kills me,
because Bernie or bust people
Fall into two categories,
dear friends of mine,
and people who bike
on the sidewalk.
Please stop biking
on the sidewalk,
you're going to
get us all killed.
Just get in the bike lane
like everybody else.
I'm sorry people
still drive cars,
I'm sorry that every lane
isn't a bike lane,
I wish every lane
were a bike lane
But that shit takes time.
When a fiery psychopath
is about to light
our democracy on fire
just bite the bullet
and give our daughters hope.
[laughter]
Please. Just think about it,
she's been through so much.
She's older now,
she's wiser now,
she has so much experience,
she's been through
multiple wars.
I'm talking about America.
Who better to lead her
through the twilight
of her global supremacy
than Hillary Clinton?
Or any woman over 60.
Any remotely
progressive woman over 60.
Just think about it
strategically, diplomatically,
Think about all the meetings
they'd be able to eavesdrop on.
If no one could see them.
Women over 60 should
run the world.
Or not. I don't even know
why I'm thinking about this.
It's not like I vote.
I'm actually not even political
[laughter]
I just pretend to be so that
people will think I'm young.
Because nothing makes you
look younger than thinking
you can make a difference.
[applause and cheering]
Thank you guys so much.
[music]
[music]