I've Got Issues (2019) - full transcript
A comedy about despair and what to do with it.
Humans...
They struggle.
Every day.
They struggle.
Why?
Oh! Ah!
What is the point?
What they carry inside...
hurts so much?
What do they do with the hurt?
How do they heal?
I'll pay whatever it takes.
I... I just want him get better.
Has he been near
any old dairy or...
expired rice?
Um...
Maybe. He likes to eat.
Although lately
not so much. He's...
he kind of wasting away.
Have you been regulating
his Aura... in any way?
Uh... No, I don't really
know anything about that.
Um... I'm really
just here because, well,
Claire swears by you,
and... I really trust her.
She's... one of my best friends.
What I'm going to ask you to do
now may seem strange at first...
but I need you to trust me.
I need you to trust me
as much as you trust Claire.
Okay.
Carl!
Now. I want you to
cradle Carl in your lap.
Shouldn't he be in Dave's lap?
I promise it'll make sense soon.
Just imagine I'm Claire,
asking you to do this.
Now just close your eyes.
And feel Carl's energy.
Inside you.
Okay.
- I'm sorry. I just... I don't know if I'm doing...
- Remember.
I'm Claire.
- Close your eyes.
- Okay.
And open up.
As wide as you can.
Boop.
Hey. Could I call Claire
about something?
- Actually... just take a second.
- Claire is Carl.
And Carl is Claire.
- Right.
- Now close your eyes,
and picture all the love inside
Carl passing through your body.
And joining with your love.
And going over toward Dave.
Did it work?
It didn't work.
How are you feeling?
Uh, I feel fine.
I'm just worried about Dave.
It should have worked as
long as everyone involved was...
Could it maybe be
something with Carl?
I'm afraid not.
Carl is very consistent.
How are you feeling?
- I'm, I'm fine, but...
- You sure?
Yeah.
Nothing...
bothering you?
Okay.
I'm at the end of my rope.
Now we're getting somewhere.
What is your area of expertise?
I'm a thing scholar.
Isn't that a bit
of a dormant field?
It's actually reemerging.
I'm writing on the hierarchies
of the end scene
in objects,
both material and sub-material.
Go on.
How matter can both own
and not own itself,
creating both
dissidents and pleasures and
traditional
post-industrial philosophy.
Has that already been covered?
I'm writing about it from
the perspective of personhood.
Whose definition of
personhood do you use?
Neither Hobbes' nor Locke's.
I'm intrigued.
When Ahab lost the whale,
contingencies of self overcame
his notion of the marine,
and this type of ocularity
blurred the membrane
between thing and object.
Object could become thing
and thing object.
Locke thought of
personhood is finite.
I'm suggesting, it is
neither end or beginning,
but rather... the north.
Ahab's compass was
only a metaphor for
a variation of metempsychosis
indistinguishable from
pen, ink, flesh... sand.
If you look at it askew,
it is like Caruso's lost shoe.
I'm not fully
authorized to do this,
but I'd like to
offer you a position
on our faculty
starting immediately.
Ad infinitum sic rectum.
I'll go get the paperwork
for you to sign.
What is she talking about?
I don't know
what she's talking about!
I'm such a... I'm such a sham!
I'm such a sham!
I am so stupid!
Okay, if you just
sign here, here and here.
- Is everything all right?
- Certainly.
Well, I'll see you tomorrow.
Uh, one more thing.
You can never leave. Just FYI.
Well, I think I can
confidently offer you this job.
Really?
You seem... surprised.
I just didn't think I did
that well on the interview.
If you want my honest opinion.
You did about as well as anyone's
ever done... in that interview.
- It's good to hear.
- You basically knocked it out of the park.
I could
really use a job.
If jobs were footballs...
- you just threw a touchdown.
- Thanks.
If getting a job were the same as
winning a presidential election.
This day was Super Tuesday,
and you just won everything,
but Vermont,
you know what I mean?
- Sort of.
- If you were Schindler, and this job was a list...
Uh...
I got the job?
No. No.
You didn't.
- Okay.
- No.
But there is
an internship available.
- Really?
- Yes.
What's it for?
It's writing the newsletter
for the White Male Supremacy
Booster Club.
Uh...
Yeah...
That's not really my thing.
It is a paid internship,
and you'd be in charge
of the recycling program.
Could I just do
the recycling part?
No. No.
I just don't like the part
where the pale people are
better than the... brown people.
Let me explain something to you.
The whole thing is rigged.
You know,
the whole thing's unfair.
What is?
The whole thing.
You mean like
the government or...
There are five people in charge of
everything. I'm one of the five.
You guys are interns,
so... five people up here,
then all interns.
That's you.
- All right.
- But this is a paid internship.
So that's a little bit better.
I know it's really effed up.
How are the benefits here?
Really good and there's like,
unlimited snacks
in the workroom.
Oh, God.
It's... it's
a gilded cage scenario.
I've never been
on one of those before.
They're very difficult morally.
Well, this David Duke
spread on page six,
if we pin it up right,
we'll cut him off at the waist.
But if we go full landscape
across both pages, we can
fit his dick and his balls.
Got to go landscape, I guess.
Recycling is... important?
Do you ever think, like...
why?
Why is it got to be like this?
That'll be 8.32.
Hello.
I'm Guru Dan.
There's nothing
more difficult than change.
I'm going to help you change.
Change...
starts...
by...
My name is Bartleby Dumont.
And I am a wandering storyteller who
has wandered over to your village
just as you would have
done so many years ago.
Today I'm going to
tickle your ear
with the story from ancient medieval
time called "The Wooing of Owlnor."
Does anybody know it?
No?
No?
No one.
It was quite popular in its day.
And I tell it in
the original Middle English,
so that you can hear
the texture of the language.
Perhaps you recall my Tuesday night
readings of the "12 Windows of Bar?"
In the original Gaelic tongue.
You look familiar.
Were you there?
No.
Ah, well, a blank canvas
and some rested ears
to hear mine word poems.
Now, I will be telling the unabridged
version of "The Wooing of Owlnor."
So if anybody needs to
take a bathroom break,
I will be taking a brief pause
at the midpoint
of this classic tale
for that purpose. Yes, ma'am?
- How long is it?
- Eight and a half to nine hours depending on my tempo.
- Should we wait for you?
- Don't wait for me.
Very well, my lady.
And you did remind me
to grab my little helper.
Its name is Tick-Tock.
For obvious reasons.
Vitamins of veal in the
very vivacious violent vineyard.
Vitamins of veal in
the very vivacious violent vineyard.
- Yes?
- Is that the story?
No, it's just a warm-up.
It... It doesn't make sense.
Right. No, it's just
an old trick of the trade
to help with the clarity
and diction of my voice.
The story is about to begin.
I... I don't understand.
Story will begin now.
When Zephyrus blurn
her thartly slippers...
and son larfed vaiter
and murn in thine deep swarth...
they frarked and frarred
against wintry scar.
Alark, a churnel
full of boonies.
Behold.
There spied the larvely Owlnor.
And he begunth to woo.
Owlnor?
Hey.
Um...
Can I help you with something?
Do you need help?
Have you been
in some sort of accident?
Are you disoriented?
Um...
Have you lost someone recently?
Someone close to you?
Are you lonely?
Okay.
Well... Why don't you come on in?
You should eat something.
Maybe you could
stay here for a while.
Till you get back on your feet.
Would you like that?
Do you want to
lie down for a bit?
There there.
I want to get off!
I want to get off!
I don't like this!
Humans.
They struggle so...
endlessly.
Like the turning of the Earth.
As the Earth turns...
do we move?
Do we change?
Are we moving
without knowing it?
Or are we repeating
our patterns?
Again.
And again.
And again.
I'm so glad you're
able to get off work today.
Yeah, it's good
to have some time off.
There's something that I've been
wanting to talk to you about.
Okay, um...
I love talking about stuff.
I was just thinking
I wish we had more time
to talk about stuff,
and I would love it if we did...
...have more time.
And...
That's a relief to hear that.
So, um...
- What's up?
- What would you think about moving in together?
I mean, we love each other.
So what's stopping us?
Honey?
Good morning, sweetheart.
I have got your favorite eggs,
and your favorite scone
from Clarndorvers.
- Thank you, it's very thoughtful.
- That's, um, that's coffee.
And it's got the cream
already included.
- It's just the way I like it.
- Yeah.
So... So I was thinking
that, you know,
maybe we could just start talking
about the possibility of, uh...
You know, maybe...
Maybe you retiring
your wild oats and we...
start a family.
I mean, we're not
getting any younger, right?
You will
become something new.
Something no one has ever seen.
You will transform, and all
the old worries will fall away.
You will become your full-self.
I now pronounce you
husband and wife.
I now pronounce you
husband and wife.
I told you so.
Pew, pew,
pew, pew, pew, pew.
Bang. Bang!
Phew.
Phew.
Phew.
Pepperoni!
Door's open.
Come on in.
Mm. Smells good.
Oh.
Give me, give me.
Yeah.
I tipped you with my remote.
It's all connected. All of it!
Me. The TV.
My computer. You. The phone.
Join us.
Mm.
Hey.
Hey.
Can I come inside?
Tea upsets my stomach.
Do you have any juice?
Sure.
Do you like juice?
Me too.
Hmm.
Would you guys like sandwiches?
Crust.
Right?
Do you like sandwiches?
Do you like crust?
A wandering storyteller
once told me a tale.
It was very long
and I did not like it.
It involved a woman
whose beauty was to die for.
I think today
I have found that woman.
The boring story teller.
He gave me something.
♪ If I could reach the top
to show you ♪
♪ Just how much
that I have inside ♪
♪ But I'm down here
waiting at the bottom ♪
♪ And that's
what I've got to hide ♪
♪ Because there's
no way a girl like you ♪
♪ Would be with a man like me ♪
♪ No, there is
no way a girl like you ♪
♪ Would be with a man like me ♪
♪ So I'll pretend I'm on top ♪
♪ Until I get you ♪
♪ I'll pretend I'm on top ♪
♪ And you'll see ♪
♪ I'll pretend I'm on top ♪
♪ Until I get ♪
♪ You ♪
♪ And then maybe
you'll be able ♪
♪ To bear ♪
♪ To see ♪
♪ The real bottom ♪
♪ Of ♪
♪ Me ♪
Oh, God.
It's so hard.
- It's getting worse.
- I can't bear.
- I can't do anything.
- I'm such a worthless piece of crap.
I stole an old lady's purse.
I killed a cop.
It is accomplished.
Ah!
You're not
living up to your potential.
Everything is very, very bad,
and getting worse.
Time is running out for us
and our children.
No signs of letting up here
or anywhere.
This is Gene Larpington
with TBC News Five.
The world will
be ending shortly.
Listen, Chazz.
I want you to know that all of my
life people have looked down on me,
because of the color of my skin.
But you have never done that.
Because you are the only
non-racist I have ever met.
And I am going to
be your black friend.
Would you like to
play basketball with me?
But I'm not good at basketball.
I'll help you.
Really?
Yes.
But first I'm going to teach
you a special handshake
that only black people know.
You will?
Yes. And it goes like this.
Chazz, baby.
Couplehood enforcing
the capitalist paradigm.
Sentimentality.
My PhD.
God.
I can not ejaculate.
I am committed
to hopelessness
Breaking news.
Another thing just happened.
We told you it was coming.
And now it's actually here.
We told you
and you did not listen.
And now it's
officially too late.
Ah!
I...
am a sham.
He's a total genius.
Are you sure?
Absolutely.
I would lay that kind of minute
just to be able to touch that fire.
Be like sleeping
with Vincent van Gogh.
Really?
Oh, my God.
He is a genius.
He is a genius.
Oh, really?
Garushta says, if we sit in our sorrow...
...we will become sorrow.
Think about that.
If we sit in our sorrow...
we become sorrow.
If we sit... in our sorrow...
we become...
sorrow.
Really. Think about that.
Sometimes joy feels
very hard to come by.
We must find joy
in the small things.
I've got these
freeloaders in my house.
And they're really sweet and I
don't want to hurt their feelings.
But I kind of
want my house back.
What's the point?
I guess I just want to know.
If it's okay to cause suffering
to take out my home.
I don't know.
Um, my friend Claire was adamant
that you were the one to help me.
I paid Claire $100 per referral.
No.
There's a guru in Glen Falls.
I can give you the number for.
I bet this food
is going to suck.
I bet that guy has bad BO.
I was wrong.
Nice outfit!
♪ If I could reach the top
to show you ♪
♪ Just how much
that I have inside ♪
♪ But I'm down here
waiting at the bottom ♪
♪ And that's
what I've got to hide ♪
♪ I'm back on top
that's the gift you gave me ♪
♪ I'm back on top somehow ♪
♪ I'm back on top
and the song will lift me ♪
♪ The bottom is
so far below me now ♪
♪ I'm back on top
with the gift you gave me ♪
♪ You're wrapped up in a bow ♪
♪ Life is good ♪
♪ That's the message
I'm singing ♪
♪ The sun looks down
with a smile ♪
♪ Life is good ♪
♪ And it's worth living ♪
♪ I'm going to put
my bottom away for a while ♪
And then he came up behind me
and took my purse.
And could you point
to that person please?
Let the record show that she
has pointed out the defendant.
And this was
the purse that he stole?
Yes.
And what did he do next?
When I tried to get it back from
him, he started hitting me with it.
- Objection!
- On what grounds?
She is stating facts
that she witnessed herself.
Your Honor,
back home, we had a saying,
a rooster in a henhouse
will get you some eggs.
Now if those eggs
come out scrambled,
you could complain to the good Lord,
and try to put them back in the hen.
Or you could serve them up
with some hoppin' john.
I think I know what I'd do.
Sustained.
Really?
- Counselor.
- No further questions.
Ms. Sludge.
Are you in the habit of making a
mockery of the US justice system?
Or should I say, when did making
a mockery of the justice system
become regular habit?
I...
- I...
- What's that?
What's that?
I... I don't make a mockery
of the US justice system.
Well, sounds
like you're not sure.
I... I just don't,
I don't understand.
I think every Beatrice and Joe
here understands.
Why it's just this simple as sweet
tea on a summer day? Don't you think?
Go pretty good with some of momma's
buttermilk biscuits, don't it?
I guess.
- I do like Southern food.
- No further questions.
We've reached a verdict.
objection.
I'll allow it.
Can they do that?
We, the people...
found Beatrice Sledge guilty.
- But I'm not on trial!
- Bailiff.
Take her away.
No, no, no. I don't...
You don't understand.
I mean, he stole my purse,
I was the victim.
I'm the victim!
I'm the victim of a purse theft!
I am an innocent person! No!
No! I'm innocent!
What... Help me!
I'm an innocent person.
Last meal.
What's this?
I ordered osso buco.
Scrambled eggs, hoppin' john,
sweet tea and momma's buttermilk biscuits.
Mm, mm.
Mother effers.
T. O.
M.
Tom.
T. Try.
O.
On target.
M.
Maximum result.
Don't you have anything
to say to your old moms?
Moms?
Hey.
Sir?
There's no reason you should know
this, but you're actually interviewing
for Ms. Pott's position.
She, um...
She passed away recently and...
She was my mother.
Oh, I'm...
very sorry to hear that.
Yeah. It was
a terrible loss. It, um..
Dust to dust.
Ashes to ashes.
Tell me about yourself.
Okay. Uh.
My name is Jane. It's...
J.
A.
N.
E.
E.
Got it.
So...
Who is...
Anne?
Uh, who?
Jane. Jane. Who is Jane?
Okay. Well,
I'm from upstate. I, uh...
enjoy outdoor sports.
I first got interested in nanotech
research when I was doing a program.
During high school.
Hello.
Ms. Potts, could you please
bring us some decaf coffee?
Oh, I... I thought
Mrs. Potts has passed away.
Excuse me. I'm sorry. I, uh...
had a brain fart.
Hello.
Ms. Pennyweather.
Can you please bring us
some decaf coffee?
Is this
a nanotech research position?
We thought we would get smarter
people if we advertised it that way.
Is... Is
nanotech research involved?
It could be. Yeah.
Did...
Mrs. Potts do any...
Not specifically, no.
So are you...
looking for a...
a secretary?
Yes, I am.
But what about
Mrs. Pennyweather?
Mrs. Pennyweather
is not working out.
And this is Mrs. Pennyweather.
- Here you go, dear.
- Thank you.
- Oh!
- Oh.
I'm... It's...
Just a small stain,
and I'm very sorry.
- It's okay.
- No, I'm very...
- You know, it's just...
- It's okay.
...going to take me
just one minute.
- Oh, no.
- I think you're just...
- No, I'm just...
- ...spreading some more.
- I'm just spreading it.
- Yeah, you are.
Spreading it.
It's alright, it's alright,
that's, that's enough.
That's enough.
No. No. No, no, no.
No, that's enough.
We're all done. We're all done.
Is there anything else
I can help you with?
You can get me Mrs. Potts
out of her grave.
What was that?
I said, you can get me
Mrs. Potts out of her grave.
So things will be like before.
That'll be all,
Mrs. Pennyweather.
Is this a, uh...
a permanent position?
Who's to say?
Ah!
Oh. Not ready.
Ah!
Three. Four.
One. Two. Three. Four.
One. Two. Three. Four.
One. Two. Three. Four.
Ms. Pennyweather.
No, I'm sorry. Those going Conference
Room A. Conference Room A, please.
What?
No, no, dear. Those
are for Conference Room B.
I did it.
The world is absurd.
I have lost all my humor.
But I must continue.
It is my world.
And I want freedom.
Let's go.
Humans.
They hurt, and heal.
Hurt. And heal.
Take care
of my suffering ones.
Take care of the tender hearted.
Help each other.
Through the storm.
It is not all darkness.
And you're not alone.
Reach towards the light.
They struggle.
Every day.
They struggle.
Why?
Oh! Ah!
What is the point?
What they carry inside...
hurts so much?
What do they do with the hurt?
How do they heal?
I'll pay whatever it takes.
I... I just want him get better.
Has he been near
any old dairy or...
expired rice?
Um...
Maybe. He likes to eat.
Although lately
not so much. He's...
he kind of wasting away.
Have you been regulating
his Aura... in any way?
Uh... No, I don't really
know anything about that.
Um... I'm really
just here because, well,
Claire swears by you,
and... I really trust her.
She's... one of my best friends.
What I'm going to ask you to do
now may seem strange at first...
but I need you to trust me.
I need you to trust me
as much as you trust Claire.
Okay.
Carl!
Now. I want you to
cradle Carl in your lap.
Shouldn't he be in Dave's lap?
I promise it'll make sense soon.
Just imagine I'm Claire,
asking you to do this.
Now just close your eyes.
And feel Carl's energy.
Inside you.
Okay.
- I'm sorry. I just... I don't know if I'm doing...
- Remember.
I'm Claire.
- Close your eyes.
- Okay.
And open up.
As wide as you can.
Boop.
Hey. Could I call Claire
about something?
- Actually... just take a second.
- Claire is Carl.
And Carl is Claire.
- Right.
- Now close your eyes,
and picture all the love inside
Carl passing through your body.
And joining with your love.
And going over toward Dave.
Did it work?
It didn't work.
How are you feeling?
Uh, I feel fine.
I'm just worried about Dave.
It should have worked as
long as everyone involved was...
Could it maybe be
something with Carl?
I'm afraid not.
Carl is very consistent.
How are you feeling?
- I'm, I'm fine, but...
- You sure?
Yeah.
Nothing...
bothering you?
Okay.
I'm at the end of my rope.
Now we're getting somewhere.
What is your area of expertise?
I'm a thing scholar.
Isn't that a bit
of a dormant field?
It's actually reemerging.
I'm writing on the hierarchies
of the end scene
in objects,
both material and sub-material.
Go on.
How matter can both own
and not own itself,
creating both
dissidents and pleasures and
traditional
post-industrial philosophy.
Has that already been covered?
I'm writing about it from
the perspective of personhood.
Whose definition of
personhood do you use?
Neither Hobbes' nor Locke's.
I'm intrigued.
When Ahab lost the whale,
contingencies of self overcame
his notion of the marine,
and this type of ocularity
blurred the membrane
between thing and object.
Object could become thing
and thing object.
Locke thought of
personhood is finite.
I'm suggesting, it is
neither end or beginning,
but rather... the north.
Ahab's compass was
only a metaphor for
a variation of metempsychosis
indistinguishable from
pen, ink, flesh... sand.
If you look at it askew,
it is like Caruso's lost shoe.
I'm not fully
authorized to do this,
but I'd like to
offer you a position
on our faculty
starting immediately.
Ad infinitum sic rectum.
I'll go get the paperwork
for you to sign.
What is she talking about?
I don't know
what she's talking about!
I'm such a... I'm such a sham!
I'm such a sham!
I am so stupid!
Okay, if you just
sign here, here and here.
- Is everything all right?
- Certainly.
Well, I'll see you tomorrow.
Uh, one more thing.
You can never leave. Just FYI.
Well, I think I can
confidently offer you this job.
Really?
You seem... surprised.
I just didn't think I did
that well on the interview.
If you want my honest opinion.
You did about as well as anyone's
ever done... in that interview.
- It's good to hear.
- You basically knocked it out of the park.
I could
really use a job.
If jobs were footballs...
- you just threw a touchdown.
- Thanks.
If getting a job were the same as
winning a presidential election.
This day was Super Tuesday,
and you just won everything,
but Vermont,
you know what I mean?
- Sort of.
- If you were Schindler, and this job was a list...
Uh...
I got the job?
No. No.
You didn't.
- Okay.
- No.
But there is
an internship available.
- Really?
- Yes.
What's it for?
It's writing the newsletter
for the White Male Supremacy
Booster Club.
Uh...
Yeah...
That's not really my thing.
It is a paid internship,
and you'd be in charge
of the recycling program.
Could I just do
the recycling part?
No. No.
I just don't like the part
where the pale people are
better than the... brown people.
Let me explain something to you.
The whole thing is rigged.
You know,
the whole thing's unfair.
What is?
The whole thing.
You mean like
the government or...
There are five people in charge of
everything. I'm one of the five.
You guys are interns,
so... five people up here,
then all interns.
That's you.
- All right.
- But this is a paid internship.
So that's a little bit better.
I know it's really effed up.
How are the benefits here?
Really good and there's like,
unlimited snacks
in the workroom.
Oh, God.
It's... it's
a gilded cage scenario.
I've never been
on one of those before.
They're very difficult morally.
Well, this David Duke
spread on page six,
if we pin it up right,
we'll cut him off at the waist.
But if we go full landscape
across both pages, we can
fit his dick and his balls.
Got to go landscape, I guess.
Recycling is... important?
Do you ever think, like...
why?
Why is it got to be like this?
That'll be 8.32.
Hello.
I'm Guru Dan.
There's nothing
more difficult than change.
I'm going to help you change.
Change...
starts...
by...
My name is Bartleby Dumont.
And I am a wandering storyteller who
has wandered over to your village
just as you would have
done so many years ago.
Today I'm going to
tickle your ear
with the story from ancient medieval
time called "The Wooing of Owlnor."
Does anybody know it?
No?
No?
No one.
It was quite popular in its day.
And I tell it in
the original Middle English,
so that you can hear
the texture of the language.
Perhaps you recall my Tuesday night
readings of the "12 Windows of Bar?"
In the original Gaelic tongue.
You look familiar.
Were you there?
No.
Ah, well, a blank canvas
and some rested ears
to hear mine word poems.
Now, I will be telling the unabridged
version of "The Wooing of Owlnor."
So if anybody needs to
take a bathroom break,
I will be taking a brief pause
at the midpoint
of this classic tale
for that purpose. Yes, ma'am?
- How long is it?
- Eight and a half to nine hours depending on my tempo.
- Should we wait for you?
- Don't wait for me.
Very well, my lady.
And you did remind me
to grab my little helper.
Its name is Tick-Tock.
For obvious reasons.
Vitamins of veal in the
very vivacious violent vineyard.
Vitamins of veal in
the very vivacious violent vineyard.
- Yes?
- Is that the story?
No, it's just a warm-up.
It... It doesn't make sense.
Right. No, it's just
an old trick of the trade
to help with the clarity
and diction of my voice.
The story is about to begin.
I... I don't understand.
Story will begin now.
When Zephyrus blurn
her thartly slippers...
and son larfed vaiter
and murn in thine deep swarth...
they frarked and frarred
against wintry scar.
Alark, a churnel
full of boonies.
Behold.
There spied the larvely Owlnor.
And he begunth to woo.
Owlnor?
Hey.
Um...
Can I help you with something?
Do you need help?
Have you been
in some sort of accident?
Are you disoriented?
Um...
Have you lost someone recently?
Someone close to you?
Are you lonely?
Okay.
Well... Why don't you come on in?
You should eat something.
Maybe you could
stay here for a while.
Till you get back on your feet.
Would you like that?
Do you want to
lie down for a bit?
There there.
I want to get off!
I want to get off!
I don't like this!
Humans.
They struggle so...
endlessly.
Like the turning of the Earth.
As the Earth turns...
do we move?
Do we change?
Are we moving
without knowing it?
Or are we repeating
our patterns?
Again.
And again.
And again.
I'm so glad you're
able to get off work today.
Yeah, it's good
to have some time off.
There's something that I've been
wanting to talk to you about.
Okay, um...
I love talking about stuff.
I was just thinking
I wish we had more time
to talk about stuff,
and I would love it if we did...
...have more time.
And...
That's a relief to hear that.
So, um...
- What's up?
- What would you think about moving in together?
I mean, we love each other.
So what's stopping us?
Honey?
Good morning, sweetheart.
I have got your favorite eggs,
and your favorite scone
from Clarndorvers.
- Thank you, it's very thoughtful.
- That's, um, that's coffee.
And it's got the cream
already included.
- It's just the way I like it.
- Yeah.
So... So I was thinking
that, you know,
maybe we could just start talking
about the possibility of, uh...
You know, maybe...
Maybe you retiring
your wild oats and we...
start a family.
I mean, we're not
getting any younger, right?
You will
become something new.
Something no one has ever seen.
You will transform, and all
the old worries will fall away.
You will become your full-self.
I now pronounce you
husband and wife.
I now pronounce you
husband and wife.
I told you so.
Pew, pew,
pew, pew, pew, pew.
Bang. Bang!
Phew.
Phew.
Phew.
Pepperoni!
Door's open.
Come on in.
Mm. Smells good.
Oh.
Give me, give me.
Yeah.
I tipped you with my remote.
It's all connected. All of it!
Me. The TV.
My computer. You. The phone.
Join us.
Mm.
Hey.
Hey.
Can I come inside?
Tea upsets my stomach.
Do you have any juice?
Sure.
Do you like juice?
Me too.
Hmm.
Would you guys like sandwiches?
Crust.
Right?
Do you like sandwiches?
Do you like crust?
A wandering storyteller
once told me a tale.
It was very long
and I did not like it.
It involved a woman
whose beauty was to die for.
I think today
I have found that woman.
The boring story teller.
He gave me something.
♪ If I could reach the top
to show you ♪
♪ Just how much
that I have inside ♪
♪ But I'm down here
waiting at the bottom ♪
♪ And that's
what I've got to hide ♪
♪ Because there's
no way a girl like you ♪
♪ Would be with a man like me ♪
♪ No, there is
no way a girl like you ♪
♪ Would be with a man like me ♪
♪ So I'll pretend I'm on top ♪
♪ Until I get you ♪
♪ I'll pretend I'm on top ♪
♪ And you'll see ♪
♪ I'll pretend I'm on top ♪
♪ Until I get ♪
♪ You ♪
♪ And then maybe
you'll be able ♪
♪ To bear ♪
♪ To see ♪
♪ The real bottom ♪
♪ Of ♪
♪ Me ♪
Oh, God.
It's so hard.
- It's getting worse.
- I can't bear.
- I can't do anything.
- I'm such a worthless piece of crap.
I stole an old lady's purse.
I killed a cop.
It is accomplished.
Ah!
You're not
living up to your potential.
Everything is very, very bad,
and getting worse.
Time is running out for us
and our children.
No signs of letting up here
or anywhere.
This is Gene Larpington
with TBC News Five.
The world will
be ending shortly.
Listen, Chazz.
I want you to know that all of my
life people have looked down on me,
because of the color of my skin.
But you have never done that.
Because you are the only
non-racist I have ever met.
And I am going to
be your black friend.
Would you like to
play basketball with me?
But I'm not good at basketball.
I'll help you.
Really?
Yes.
But first I'm going to teach
you a special handshake
that only black people know.
You will?
Yes. And it goes like this.
Chazz, baby.
Couplehood enforcing
the capitalist paradigm.
Sentimentality.
My PhD.
God.
I can not ejaculate.
I am committed
to hopelessness
Breaking news.
Another thing just happened.
We told you it was coming.
And now it's actually here.
We told you
and you did not listen.
And now it's
officially too late.
Ah!
I...
am a sham.
He's a total genius.
Are you sure?
Absolutely.
I would lay that kind of minute
just to be able to touch that fire.
Be like sleeping
with Vincent van Gogh.
Really?
Oh, my God.
He is a genius.
He is a genius.
Oh, really?
Garushta says, if we sit in our sorrow...
...we will become sorrow.
Think about that.
If we sit in our sorrow...
we become sorrow.
If we sit... in our sorrow...
we become...
sorrow.
Really. Think about that.
Sometimes joy feels
very hard to come by.
We must find joy
in the small things.
I've got these
freeloaders in my house.
And they're really sweet and I
don't want to hurt their feelings.
But I kind of
want my house back.
What's the point?
I guess I just want to know.
If it's okay to cause suffering
to take out my home.
I don't know.
Um, my friend Claire was adamant
that you were the one to help me.
I paid Claire $100 per referral.
No.
There's a guru in Glen Falls.
I can give you the number for.
I bet this food
is going to suck.
I bet that guy has bad BO.
I was wrong.
Nice outfit!
♪ If I could reach the top
to show you ♪
♪ Just how much
that I have inside ♪
♪ But I'm down here
waiting at the bottom ♪
♪ And that's
what I've got to hide ♪
♪ I'm back on top
that's the gift you gave me ♪
♪ I'm back on top somehow ♪
♪ I'm back on top
and the song will lift me ♪
♪ The bottom is
so far below me now ♪
♪ I'm back on top
with the gift you gave me ♪
♪ You're wrapped up in a bow ♪
♪ Life is good ♪
♪ That's the message
I'm singing ♪
♪ The sun looks down
with a smile ♪
♪ Life is good ♪
♪ And it's worth living ♪
♪ I'm going to put
my bottom away for a while ♪
And then he came up behind me
and took my purse.
And could you point
to that person please?
Let the record show that she
has pointed out the defendant.
And this was
the purse that he stole?
Yes.
And what did he do next?
When I tried to get it back from
him, he started hitting me with it.
- Objection!
- On what grounds?
She is stating facts
that she witnessed herself.
Your Honor,
back home, we had a saying,
a rooster in a henhouse
will get you some eggs.
Now if those eggs
come out scrambled,
you could complain to the good Lord,
and try to put them back in the hen.
Or you could serve them up
with some hoppin' john.
I think I know what I'd do.
Sustained.
Really?
- Counselor.
- No further questions.
Ms. Sludge.
Are you in the habit of making a
mockery of the US justice system?
Or should I say, when did making
a mockery of the justice system
become regular habit?
I...
- I...
- What's that?
What's that?
I... I don't make a mockery
of the US justice system.
Well, sounds
like you're not sure.
I... I just don't,
I don't understand.
I think every Beatrice and Joe
here understands.
Why it's just this simple as sweet
tea on a summer day? Don't you think?
Go pretty good with some of momma's
buttermilk biscuits, don't it?
I guess.
- I do like Southern food.
- No further questions.
We've reached a verdict.
objection.
I'll allow it.
Can they do that?
We, the people...
found Beatrice Sledge guilty.
- But I'm not on trial!
- Bailiff.
Take her away.
No, no, no. I don't...
You don't understand.
I mean, he stole my purse,
I was the victim.
I'm the victim!
I'm the victim of a purse theft!
I am an innocent person! No!
No! I'm innocent!
What... Help me!
I'm an innocent person.
Last meal.
What's this?
I ordered osso buco.
Scrambled eggs, hoppin' john,
sweet tea and momma's buttermilk biscuits.
Mm, mm.
Mother effers.
T. O.
M.
Tom.
T. Try.
O.
On target.
M.
Maximum result.
Don't you have anything
to say to your old moms?
Moms?
Hey.
Sir?
There's no reason you should know
this, but you're actually interviewing
for Ms. Pott's position.
She, um...
She passed away recently and...
She was my mother.
Oh, I'm...
very sorry to hear that.
Yeah. It was
a terrible loss. It, um..
Dust to dust.
Ashes to ashes.
Tell me about yourself.
Okay. Uh.
My name is Jane. It's...
J.
A.
N.
E.
E.
Got it.
So...
Who is...
Anne?
Uh, who?
Jane. Jane. Who is Jane?
Okay. Well,
I'm from upstate. I, uh...
enjoy outdoor sports.
I first got interested in nanotech
research when I was doing a program.
During high school.
Hello.
Ms. Potts, could you please
bring us some decaf coffee?
Oh, I... I thought
Mrs. Potts has passed away.
Excuse me. I'm sorry. I, uh...
had a brain fart.
Hello.
Ms. Pennyweather.
Can you please bring us
some decaf coffee?
Is this
a nanotech research position?
We thought we would get smarter
people if we advertised it that way.
Is... Is
nanotech research involved?
It could be. Yeah.
Did...
Mrs. Potts do any...
Not specifically, no.
So are you...
looking for a...
a secretary?
Yes, I am.
But what about
Mrs. Pennyweather?
Mrs. Pennyweather
is not working out.
And this is Mrs. Pennyweather.
- Here you go, dear.
- Thank you.
- Oh!
- Oh.
I'm... It's...
Just a small stain,
and I'm very sorry.
- It's okay.
- No, I'm very...
- You know, it's just...
- It's okay.
...going to take me
just one minute.
- Oh, no.
- I think you're just...
- No, I'm just...
- ...spreading some more.
- I'm just spreading it.
- Yeah, you are.
Spreading it.
It's alright, it's alright,
that's, that's enough.
That's enough.
No. No. No, no, no.
No, that's enough.
We're all done. We're all done.
Is there anything else
I can help you with?
You can get me Mrs. Potts
out of her grave.
What was that?
I said, you can get me
Mrs. Potts out of her grave.
So things will be like before.
That'll be all,
Mrs. Pennyweather.
Is this a, uh...
a permanent position?
Who's to say?
Ah!
Oh. Not ready.
Ah!
Three. Four.
One. Two. Three. Four.
One. Two. Three. Four.
One. Two. Three. Four.
Ms. Pennyweather.
No, I'm sorry. Those going Conference
Room A. Conference Room A, please.
What?
No, no, dear. Those
are for Conference Room B.
I did it.
The world is absurd.
I have lost all my humor.
But I must continue.
It is my world.
And I want freedom.
Let's go.
Humans.
They hurt, and heal.
Hurt. And heal.
Take care
of my suffering ones.
Take care of the tender hearted.
Help each other.
Through the storm.
It is not all darkness.
And you're not alone.
Reach towards the light.