Ivans xtc. (2000) - full transcript

'You know,

'last night...

'I had this incredible pain.

'The pain was so strong that I took...

'every pill in the goddamn house.

'But... the pills wouldn't do anything.

'The pain wouldn't go away.

'I... I tried to find an image,

'one worthwhile image...

'that would get me through it.

'And all I could find was shit.



'I couldn't find one worthwhile
goddamn thing.'

'9-1-1 emergency.'

'Well, this is regarding
disturbances on our street.

'I don't know, we've had noise...'

No...

'How much of that coke did you do?

'Huh? How much? Talk to me.

'727. Roll paramedics.'

'...this morning.

'Very combative.
Rule out drug overdose.

'We found cocaine, alcohol, barbiturates,
everything but a needle on scene.'

'He's not moving air.

'Take it easy, buddy. Take it easy.
What's your name?'

'Good morning, Media Talent Agency.
How can I help you?'



Yes, may I speak to someone
in Ivan Beckman's office, please?

'Hi!
You've reached the office of Ivan Beckman.

'If you'd like to skip this message,
press pound.

'If you'd like to leave a message
for Ivan Beckman

'or his assistant Lucy Lawrence,
leave a message after the tone.'

Yes, hello,
this is Rosemary Kramer calling.

I'm calling about Ivan Beckman.

Hey! You'd better hurry it up.
Come on.

Guys, wait!

Hi!

Ivan Beckman's office.

OK.

'Yeah, look,
this is Lloyd Hall calling.

'I've called several times.
Nobody's called me back.

'Tell Ivan to call me.
Tell him to call me right now.'

Why did he...
Why did he deny it in the first place?

Well, my guess is
that his wife didn't know.

- What's up?
- Hey.

Um, Naomi,
Ivan is totally fucking up.

I think Lloyd's gonna dump him.
Look at this.

Oh, my God,
he called eight times.

Eight times, and I can't get hold of Ivan
to call him back.

'...Rosemary Kramer calling.'

- Wait.
- What?

- 'I have a message...'
- Is it Lloyd again?

Luce, what's wrong?

- You got a buck slip?
- Yes.

I wouldn't go in there today.
I had to get Mary out. I got yelled at.

This is an emergency.

Alright.

What do you want?

- This better be fucking important.
- We ought to have at least a consensus.

That's what I'm saying!

Our first choice...

My facts are not on the list.

Is that consensus from everybody?
Everybody buy into that?

Judy?

What's wrong, boss?

This says Ivan died this morning.

What?

Judy... Judy, let me go call
and check it out.

- So, what's it say?
- Says he was in the hospital.

I saw him the other day.
He wasn't in the hospital.

How did he die?

What, OD...?

- What?
- What?

Well, he was doing a lot of drugs.

Now, wait a minute, wait a minute.

- Wait a minute, let's not speculate!
- He wrecked his Jag one week ago

and drove it in
with a huge gash in the side.

Listen! Listen, everybody!

Has anybody seen him lately?

- I saw him doing drugs at a party.
- I saw him last week.

Joe, I don't want to hear
any more about that.

Let's wait and see. Let's wait and see.

- Barry.
- OK.

I spoke to Cedars. The body is there.

- The body?
- Oh, my God!

Nobody had any idea, not his parents...

Not his dad, not his friends.

- What happened?
- How did he die?

They said that he died of cancer.

Cancer?

Well, I mean, that's what they said.
Who knows, it could've been anything.

What do you mean, "anything"?
What do you mean?

Well, I mean, it could've been drugs,
I don't know.

I think that if he were sick,
some people here would've probably known.

Let's have a moment of silence.

Now, listen, here's the other thing.
I looked at his phone sheet.

He hasn't returned a phone call for days.

It could be we'll have a major problem
with a number of our clients.

- Who?
- Don West for one.

Then we start damage control right now.

I saw Don West having lunch
with some UTA agents yesterday.

OK, who's gonna talk...?

- I'll talk to Don.
- You're dealing with the family.

I know Don.
I'll talk to Don, it's easier.

Hey, Brad.

- Hey. Hey, Barry. How are you?
- Good to see you, man.

Good to see you.
Come in, come in.

Let me get rid of Brutus here.

Get down there.

Shut that door.

So, uh...

- How are you doing?
- Pretty good.

Heavy about Ivan.

Yeah, I know, it's too bad.

- Quite the clam-opener here.
- Oh, well, you know...

Don, you know, lives the life here.

So, uh... I hear it was drugs.

No, actually, he...
It was cancer, he died of lung cancer.

That's not what Don thinks.

Yeah, it's unfortunate,

- but he died of lung cancer.
- I mean, you know, all that blow...

I mean, I always wondered
where he got all that energy from.

Well, Brad, you know,
Ivan was a good friend of all of ours.

He was a very, very close friend
to a lot of people,

and he died a tragic death, I don't
think there's anything funny about it.

Oh, alright.

- So, can I get you something?
- No, it's OK. I'll just wait.

- OK.
- Yeah, thanks.

- Don will be right down in five minutes.
- Great, thanks.

OK.

Stick 'em up,
or I'll blow your head off.

...not the Dodgers...

Marco, wipe your feet.

And shut the door!

I left my car keys in the car.

Yolanda, I thought we handled
this direct marketing stuff.

I thought you told them... Yolanda!

Who is that?

I'm going to get the gun!

I'm going to get the big gun!

Hey, Don.
How are you doing, man?

How are you? Good to see you.

- I've had better days.
- I know, it's, uh...

- It's a tragedy.
- Sad.

Really, it's just terrible.

- He's dead.
- Don! I know, it's terrible.

What'd he do?
Freebase his face off?

Imagine, Ivan running down the street,
his head on fire,

- script in his hand, one he hadn't even read.
- "Help me, help me."

Nobody'd even piss on an agent
to save him.

Thanks.

- No offence, Fernando.
- I'm sure, none taken.

He died of a massive lung tumor.
He had cancer.

So that's the cover story, cancer?

He had cancer.

Alright, I've known you a long time.
You know, that's what they say.

He was a drug addict and a pussy freak,
and you're telling me he died of cancer?

You know what? He was a friend,
he was a good guy, that's the line.

What can I tell you? I have no idea.

Who's that over there?

Who's that running down the stairs?

- Johnny!
- Don...

Bradsky, I'm overrun by children here.
Handle this.

I wanna tell you something else.
I don't want Danny McTeague on the movie.

I know he wrote it, he's a good kid,
but I don't want him directing the movie.

You know, I think Danny did
a really, really good job with the script.

That's his problem. He's a writer.

We need some objectivity.
I want Constanza Vero to do it.

I want Constanza Vero to do it.

Constanza's a really, really good director,
I like her.

She knows her way around a camera.

I wanna tell you something
about my problem with Danny.

Hang on a second, hang on a second.
I wanna tell you my problem with Danny.

I kinda had it with these young punks
coming out of UCLA film school.

- Understand me?
- Let me ask you this...

- I'm not doing a sitcom here, baby!
- That's why I'm here. Let me ask you...

I'm gonna lock, load,
stand up and shoot and move on.

All I need to hear from a director is
"yes", "no", and "move it".

I completely understand.

Constanza Vero knows her way
around a camera. Listen to me!

Will you commit to making it?

What am I, farting the
"Star-Spangled Banner" here, Fernando?

It's Barry.

I said I want to make the movie
with Constanza Vero.

Let me tell you why.

She knows her way around a camera,
and she's gay,

- and I got a problem on that front right now.
- I've read about all that.

That's right! You ought to see
what I've been reading.

You ought to check out the mail
I've been getting about my family.

It just doesn't end...

- See this? Let me show you something.
- OK.

I'm gonna show you something,
Fernando.

Bradsky, share the facts
with Fernando,

just a couple of the samples of the shit
we've been getting at the office,

the stuff coming to the house.

I tell you something, Fernando,
anybody comes into this house...

Brad, we're gonna show him the goods.

Yolanda! Keep the kids
out of the bedroom, Yolanda!

Yolanda!

Bradsky, pull out the goods.
Show him the goods.

Well, I tell you this, you know,
I got no problem at all.

All I say is, in my opinion, you know,

an asshole's for shitting,
an asshole's an exit wound.

- I've always felt the same.
- You follow me, Fernando?

I tell you something,
anybody comes through this house, man,

any kind of riot happens around me,

they're gonna get to party,
they're gonna get a very warm welcome.

I don't think anyone's coming round here.

It ain't gonna be Rome with Nero fiddling,
you hear me, Fernando?

Barry! It's Barry.

Let me just say something.
I want Constanza Vero directing this movie.

So, Brad, thank you so much
for your help.

I really, really appreciate it.
It was good seeing you again.

And, you know what?

If you could do anything
to put in a good word for us,

we're going to kick ass for the guy,
and we really want to be working with him.

- Well, I'm with you guys on this one.
- I know you are.

So, anything to help,
I really appreciate it.

- Good seeing you.
- You know, these movie stars...

I know, but no one's gonna do
a better job.

- OK.
- OK, thanks a lot.

- See you.
- Good seeing you.

- Hello. Who's this?
- 'It's Danny.'

The guy that's been trying
to call you all day, yes.

Yeah, I know you're on your cell phone.

Listen...

Yeah, I know.
I heard about Ivan. It's terrible.

I feel really terrible about that.
Really... yeah.

Uh... look, Lloyd is firing me
from "Weeds" from what I understand.

Is that what's happening?

I'm being fired?
I've never been fired in my life.

It's my script.
How can I be fired from my own script?

You're my agent.
I'd hoped you would take care...

You hear what I said?

- Did you hear me?
- 'Yes, I can hear you.'

Hello?

'Hello?'

- Danny are you there?
- 'Yeah, I'm here.'

Barry? Barry!

Goddammit!

Get him on the phone, please.
Please!

Barry! My agent! Thank you. Yes.

Man is like a breath.

His days are as a fleeting shadow.

In the morning, he flourishes
and grows up like grass.

In the evening,
he is cut down and withers.

So teach us to number our days,

that we may get us a heart of wisdom.

Mark the men of integrity
and behold the upright,

for there is a future
for the men of peace.

And who is better to give
the sad words of parting

than the beloved sister of our departed?

Marcia Beckman.

Marcia, please come forward.

Thank you for coming.

It really means a lot to me and my family.

And it would've meant the world to Ivan

to see how loved he really was.

It doesn't look good.
He's more than fashionably late.

I know, but you know...

He said he'd be here.

You see Charlotte?

Yeah, she looks pretty good
for someone who's grieving.

She's got some nice titties on her.

You're so vulgar.

He was destined for greatness.

He was a good friend,
a great family member.

He was always there for me.

I remember when I was little.

Fuck!

Danny doesn't look very happy.

Danny's not gonna be very happy.

- Just pretend.
- What happened?

Maybe he won't see us.

He was amazing, he was so nice.

Barry! Enjoying the funeral?

Shut the fuck up!
This is not the time.

- I know what you did, Barry.
- It's not a good time.

You sold me out.

- Danny, I'm fucking helping your script.
- Helping my script?

Thanks for the help, I appreciate it!

Shut the fuck up at the funeral.

I think Don's come in.

...so many ways
I wanted to say goodbye,

and now I don't get to.

And I know it's never easy
when we lose people in our lives,

but I'm going to have to make do.

I suppose we all are.

We didn't really get
to say goodbye to Ivan.

- I think he genuinely, truly will be missed.
- Thank you for coming.

Don West!

Oh, God, what's he doing?

- Don West, the big actor, big shot.
- Shh!

- Big time actor!
- Shut the fuck up!

- Leave!
- Barry, keep your mouth shut, pal.

- That is between me and him.
- Danny, this is a funeral.

Fuck the funeral, pal!

- I swear to God...
- Get up!

- Danny come on, let's go.
- Get the fuck out of here.

You can't do my movie...
take my movie...!

Amen!

Ivan Beckman's office.

He... He just...

OK. Wait a minute,
let me see if I can put you through.

Ivan?

Hi, it's Lucy.

Danny McTeague.

Danny boy, how are you?

Good! Good, good, good!

Danny boy, the pipes are calling
from studio to studio.

I can see your name in lights right now.

"Weeds" is a fantastic project.

Yeah, I like it, too.
Well, I mean, I wrote it.

Your blood pressure's normal.

'Danny boy,
I think your script is deeply profound,

'and I think you should be making it

'instead of making a lousy
goddamn motherfucking sequel.'

Uh-huh?

- Hold on a second.
- You lost a couple of pounds.

- Yeah. I've been working out.
- Good.

- Look good?
- You're still too skinny for me. Come on.

But listen, um...

Can you do me a favor?
Can we keep this between ourselves?

I don't want Bonnie knowing
that we're talking like this,

so, you know,
if we say it's just...

Don't worry about Bonnie.

No, let's not mention anything to her,
that's all, OK?

We'll keep this between you and I,

- and we'll take care of her.
- I said, "Get off the phone." Say goodbye.

Alright, Danny boy, I gotta go.

OK, big, big kiss.

I'm really excited for you, Danny,
I really am.

- Hang up the phone, Ivan.
- OK, bye-bye.

- Give it here.
- Lucy?

- Put my calls on hold for a while, OK?
- Hang up the phone. Hang up!

- Give it here.
- Jesus.

Give it here.

I'm not playing with you, Ivan.

- Why are you so...?
- Four, three...

I'm gonna knock you over.

Here.

- Yeah!
- Yeah, your temperature is normal. Fine.

Come on, let's get your chest X-ray.

X-ray? What X-ray?

You have to have a chest X-ray
for the insurance.

I gotta go, Jackie.

Come on, you have a chest X-ray.
It's on the form.

Why?

Because the insurance company
asks for it.

Have you ever smoked a cigarette?

- I've smoked, but I don't smoke.
- Then you're gonna have a chest X-ray.

Let's go.

♪ Lovely, sweet and warm... ♪

And we're in.

Let's see the dick.

Well, well, well.

Good God!

Uh-huh-huh!

Good evening, ladies...

Hi!

I'm very excited.
Nervous, but excited.

I don't understand
this Lolita Complex in LA.

I don't want to kiss a moustache
or go down on something bald.

I want a bush.

My wife Bea,

a beautiful Italian woman,
has a bush.

I like to go down on a bush.

You like the...
You like the tropical flavor.

Where is she anyway?

Yolanda? Yolanda hasn't been
to a premiere with me in ten years.

Wisely, she stays at home
and stays out of this bullshit.

She doesn't care.

She stays with the kids and leaves me
out with the boys... and a girl.

- And she trusts you? Amazing.
- She does, because Bradsky's with me.

Have you ever been unfaithful
to your wife, Don?

To Yolanda? No, never.

That's not what I've heard.

Not compared to the opportunity.

I heard that you heard in a beauty parlor
I was kinky.

- That's exactly what I heard.
- Well, let me ask you something.

Does snorting cocaine
two millimeters from your pussy

make me kinky?

I don't consider that kinky.

Gorgeous.

Absolutely lovely.

I don't want to get this on your dress.

OK, we'll just try to avoid it.

Uh, that's coffee.

Alright.

Brad, put your eyes back in your face.

Yes, indeed.

Good to see you again.

- How have you been?
- I'm doing great.

Have you seen it?

- Yeah, it's a great movie.
- Thank you very much.

You seem unstoppable in this movie.
It's a really good movie.

I appreciate it.
It think it's for these times.

I don't care if you're blowing him,

but what the fuck are you doing
in the back of his limo?

I'm just paid to say the words,
my brother.

Have a good night, sir. Thank you.

- Oh, my God!
- So, that's my agent.

Oh, my God, look at that!
I can't believe he's doing it.

Man, he acts like he hasn't been
greased up in a week.

For God's sakes, not in public.
Can you imagine those two humping?

That motherfucker is trying
to steal my fucking client here

- at the evening of my premiere.
- Let's go get you a drink.

Oh, don't forget
I take it up the ass all the time.

Yes, I know, but you don't like it.

Well, no, I don't know about that.

- What?
- Oh!

It's going to be great.

I could feel you standing there,
looking at the back of my head,

seeing inside.

You seem so quiet.

What's the matter?

You're a murderer, Madeleine.

I'm sorry.

It's all my fault.

- You were wonderful in the film.
- You really mean that?

- Of course I do.
- Thanks.

- Can I meet with you next week?
- Of course you can.

OK.

I'll call you.

- Bye-bye.
- Bye.

Take care.

Goodbye, gentlemen. Bye-bye.

- Hey, Ivan.
- How are you?

What the fuck
you been up to over there?

- Reeling in fish.
- Hey, Margaret.

You haven't met Margaret.

Hello, Margaret.

You haven't met Ivan.

Hello.

- Hi.
- Margaret and Joe.

Ivan, how are you?

- Not bad.
- And Geoff!

- Ivan, you making us money?
- Believe me, I'm trying.

- Bye-bye. Good night.
- Good night, Ivan.

Ivan!

- Well, Lloyd!
- What, are you avoiding me?

Of course not!
My God, it's so good to see you.

What did you think of the picture?

I thought it was wonderful.
I thought it was great.

- You thought it was wonderful?
- Yeah.

- Really?
- Yeah.

- I thought it sucked.
- You should be proud of it anyway.

- I'm not.
- But...

I'm the producer of the movie,
I'm not proud of it.

You know, there's this wonderful director
called Danny McTeague.

- Who's that?
- Um, he directed "Angelic Convulsions".

- Never heard of him.
- He got nominated.

- Do you remember he got nominated?
- Yeah, I do.

- Both for writer and director.
- Mm-hmm.

And he's just...

He's written a screenplay of late
called "Weeds".

- "Weeds"?
- Yeah, it's a little dark, a little edgy.

- That might be good for Don, a little edgy.
- Perhaps. Perhaps.

Why don't you, uh...
Why don't you give us the script?

For us to look at it.

Yeah... I can't.
I can't send you the script.

Why?

Well, his agent is Bonnie,
and I don't want to step on her toes.

Oh, you can step on her toes.
Why don't you send me the script?

- Lloyd, ask her to get it to you.
- OK.

- It'd be better.
- Thanks. Good to see you.

Bye, Lloyd. Take care.

Bonnie!

Ah!

- Now, are you gonna thank me?
- Whatever for?

I believe Don wants to do "Weeds".

- Ivan...
- Speak to Lloyd.

- He's a pig.
- No, no, no, he's perfect.

Darling...
Darling, trust me on this.

- What are you talking about?
- OK. OK.

- Do me a favor.
- I'll be right back.

Jesus Christ! I don't understand!

- Don't worry about it.
- I've been with her for a long time.

- Don't worry about it.
- She's a dead weight.

Don't worry about it.

The important thing is that
Don wants to do "Weeds".

- Doesn't he think it's too dark?
- Are you ready to meet him?

- What, now?
- Now.

Do I have to pitch?

I'm not gonna be...
I'm a social...

You can do it, Danny boy,
you can do it.

- Let's go. Let's go.
- Alright, alright.

You'll be brilliant.

Ready?

Come on.

Are you sure he read it?
I mean, did he tell you that he liked it?

Che bello, bello, bello!

Che bello sei tu!

- Can I introduce you...
- What?

...to Danny McTeague?

Danny McTeague?
Not the Danny McTeague?

I gotta say I'm a really big fan of yours.

Unzip and show us.

Not that big!

What's the first rule?

First rule of what?

What's the first rule?

No bloody poofters!

I know this!
Ask me the second rule.

What's the second rule?

- Um... no poofters!
- No bloody poofters!

- What's the third rule?
- The third rule is, "There's no third rule."

Sit down.

Ah! Well done! Have a seat.

Now, he's written a beautiful screenplay
called "Weeds",

and I suggest you guys
have a little chat about it.

Ciao, Ivan.

- Don't get into any trouble.
- Bye, Ivan.

Ivan!

Charlotte?

- Problems?
- No.

Danny.

It's this script. It's terrible.

I mean, listen to this.
Listen to this, though.

I mean, I can write
ten times better than this.

I don't know why you're pushing this.

"Her innocence making her fearless,

"she simply bends
and retrieves the ball.

"The man:

"'Get out, I said!'

"She doesn't budge.

"Her eyes scanning up
his tattered clothes

"and muscular form,

"to settle on the single slit
in the sack

"which frames his one eye,

"scared, angered, and tear-filled."

It's pretty bad.

Pretty bad.

Oh, that's terrible.

This is some terrible writing.

What the fuck is this crap?

Ivan, why are you pushing this?
I don't understand.

Tell me what you don't like.

Have you even read this?

You go first.

You've not read it, have you?

You don't have a clue.

What is the script about, Ivan?

- Well, it's about this little weed...
- You're so full of shit!

...that scrambles up this vine,
a deadly weed.

A little bit like
"Jack And The Beanstalk".

I mean, I can write something
ten times better than that, you know?

It just pisses me off.

I mean, seriously.

Please don't worry, darling.

It just makes me mad
that you're pushing that piece of shit.

Look, if it's not on the page,
it'll be on the screen.

Danny McTeague knows
how to make a lot of money.

Please believe me.

You know,
just because I'm young and pretty,

it doesn't mean I'm a stupid bimbo.

Whoever said that?

You know what? I have to go
and print out a script for Don.

I mean, I pitched him
at the table tonight.

He's seriously interested
in "Me, Myself And I".

- Oh, I'm sure he is.
- He is! I tell you.

I'm sure he is.

Oh, please stay, darling.

No, I have a lot of work to do.

Oh, sweetheart...

Come on, baby.

Please stay.

I'm just not in a sexy mood tonight.

What is it? Is it Don?
Are you thinking about Don?

Jesus Christ, Ivan!

You're so fucking paranoid.

If I was thinking about Don,
I'd stay here and fuck you

and think about Don while I'm fucking you,
how's that?

I'm not even mad,
I just have a lot of work to do.

I mean, it's just overwhelming.

I have so much to do.
You understand.

You don't believe me, I know.

Bye, sweet thing.

Hey, Mr. Dog.

How you doing?

- Good morning!
- Good morning, Ivan.

Hi, Lucy.

- Let's go. Bring the trades, you got 'em?
- Yeah.

You're really burning up the wires.

So, who's been fired today?

- Ivan, everyone's pissed at you.
- Where are the trades?

- Have "Verité" called you?
- No.

- Lloyd Hall is on three.
- Yeah.

'Yeah, I'm calling you
about that script you sent us.'

Fucking unbelievably bad coverage.

I've had great coverage here.

And, I mean, I've got good coverage
at a couple of studios as well, goddammit.

Send me the good coverage.

Danny McTeague's on two.

- Yeah.
- Ivan! Let me tell you something.

OK? Let me explain something to you.

D'you hear that?
That's what I think of Don West.

Yeah, he's a jerk.
He's a fucking jerk. I don't want him.

Don West will get your picture green-lit.

I don't care. I can get
Larry Barton to do it for free.

That's just about what he's worth.
One big fucking fat zero!

Just break the deal with Don West.

I'm sure it's not that hard.
The guy's impossible to close anyway.

Tell him that that lesbian...

- What's her name?
- Constanza.

Constanza whatever...
the Italian thing.

Tell him that she's gonna do the movie,

and he's such a homophobe, he'll freak out.
He won't wanna do it.

Constanza Vero?

'Constanza Vero!'

Huh!

- You know what, Danny?
- 'What's that?'

- You're brilliant.
- 'Thank you.'

Ivan, they all hate it.

Mm.

You've written covers before, haven't you?

Yeah, but I haven't read "Weeds".

I know you haven't, but all you have to do
is say that you think it's good,

that Danny McTeague's directing it...
OK?

...and that you recommend it
for any A-list client.

- Whatever you say.
- OK.

I will have a little chat with Barry.

Jan is on five if you want him.

Hey, Phil baby.

- What's Barry up to?
- He's on a call.

OK, um...

I'm just gonna poke my head in, OK?

Here's the deal.
I spoke to the studio...

...this afternoon.

OK, I agree.
It's exactly what I said to them.

It's exactly what I said. That should be
the interest on what they're paying you.

OK, bye.

Hey.

How are you doing?

Oh! I'm having one of those days.

You've got some good clients, Barry.

My biggest client's Constanza.

She's... you know,
she's an Oscar winner.

But she's either too old, or she's too dyky,
and now she tells me she wants to direct.

Is she available?

There's a couple of independent projects
I have with her, but, um...

Danny McTeague is interested in her
for "Weeds".

Oh, "Weeds". Yeah, what part?

Beth, opposite Don West.

Are you serious?
You know about those two, don't you?

How strange is that!

Love is stranger than shit.

Hello?

Constanza!

- Hi, darling, how are you?
- 'Fine.'

Small little favor,
would you check the draft of "Weeds"

and make sure that you're reading
the right version?

Amanda, can you see
my copy of "Weeds"?

Not there, inside, on the counter.
One second.

All I wanna know is,
is it set in Alabama?

Alabama? No, no, no...
The version I read is in, uh...

LA, I think.

In LA, I see.
Well, you got the wrong draft, honey.

'You understand
it's opposite Don West?'

Uh-huh.

'You know,
you'd be spending some time...

'...in Alabama with Don West.'

Um, well...

Honey, you know what?

I'll read it. I'll read it again,
keeping that in mind,

and I'll call you right away.

OK?

The deed is done.

"The deed is done", my ass!

I mean, all she said was
she was gonna call you back.

Lucy!

Put my calls into Tarzana.

Forgive the intrusion.
Forgive the intrusion.

What the hell's...?

Hello?

- It's for you.
- Put it on speakerphone.

This had better be good.

'Ivan, my dear, dear friend,
how are you?'

I'm very well, Don. How are you?

'Congratulations to you. You've
done it all. You owe yourself a blowjob.'

Ah-ha!

So you're doing "Weeds"?

'Uh, yes, I think I'm gonna like

'being "Weeding" with Constanza Vero
for four months.'

Now, tell me something,
what about Ted?

'What in the hell are you talking about?
Why in hell should I contact Ted?

- 'Ted's out. You're in.'
- Guys!

We now represent Don West.

Congratulations!

What did Don say?

We signed Don.

Oh, my God! Good job! Good job!

Here are your phone sheets.

- Thank you, honey.
- I can't believe it.

Now, who is Jackie?

Oh.

She says it's urgent,
it's about your insurance.

Huh! OK.

- Thank you, sweetheart.
- Yeah. Congratulations.

Thanks.

- Jackie?
- 'Speaking.'

Oh, hi, it's Ivan Beckman.

'Oh, hi, Ivan. Finally!

'Your doctor wants to see you.'

Um, so what's up?

'He wants you to come on in,
so he can talk about your test results.'

Anything specific?

'No, he just left me a note. He wanted me
to call you and have you come in.'

I see. Well, you know,
I don't have much time, Jackie.

I don't know when I can come in.

'Well, you need to try
and come in today.'

Uh-huh.

Um... You've got nothing to say,
nothing in particular?

'No, he just left me this note.

'He said to give you a call,
he wants to see you.

'He said he'd stay late.
He knows you're busy.

'So, what time's good for you?'

Uh... Oh, I don't know.

'Ivan, you know, could you bring
somebody along with you?

'Maybe you have a friend
or something?'

I'll see what I can do, Jackie.

'Well, if you can,
just bring somebody with you.'

- OK.
- 'Alright.'

- Thank you.
- 'See you later.'

Hey!

Beckman!

You are huge!

Thank you.

Look how impressed everybody is.

- I'm gone for the rest of the day.
- Celebrating?

Ivan, I don't know
how you do it, man.

- Have a great time.
- Uh, thanks.

Way to go, baby.

What are you doing?

I cannot goof off right now.
Too much to do.

Look at all this stuff.

Go! Have fun!

You've been very good to me, Lucy.

- Thanks.
- Thank you.

Thank you. Go have fun.
Get out of here.

Did Charlotte call?

Yes. Sorry.

She called, and she said that she's sorry
she was such a bitch last night.

It was PMS.

Why didn't you tell me before?

I'm sorry, I forgot.
I was so distracted, it's so great.

OK, Lucy.

- Thank you.
- Hey, have fun.

Bye, Ivan,
I'll be here if you need me.

Jesus!

'Hi, you've reached Charlotte.

'Please leave a message,
and I'll call you back.'

Hi Charlotte, it's Ivan.
Please call me.

It's important.
I need to speak to you, OK?

Thanks, I'm in my car.

Ivan?

- Yeah.
- Come on in.

Thank you.

OK.

Well...

There is nothing to worry about.

However,
right here on the left lung...

- This is a suspicious area.
- Yes.

Is it cancer?

Well, let me ask you,

do you get sudden shortness of breath?

I do sometimes. Well...

Yes.

Do you get persistent pains
in the chest or upper back?

If I sleep strange...

...my chest hurts sometimes, yes.

Do you cough a lot?

In the morning, but who doesn't?

Yeah, who doesn't?

Do you ever cough up blood?

Oh, I'll definitely go...

Ivan!

- Bobby!
- How are you doing?

I'm good, how are you?

Great! Looks like you hit
the mother lode tonight.

The infamous Bobby.

- Melanie.
- Nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you, too.

- Jessie. Pleasure.
- Pleasure.

- Francesca.
- Nice to meet you.

We've met.

Little, um...

- You know the place.
- I think I do.

Would you girls excuse me
for just a little second?

- A tiny moment, then.
- Tiny!

Cos you know how much fun
you can have with three girls later.

You're a good man, Bobby.
You're a good man.

It's always good to see you, Ivan.

You're a knight in shining armor.

I like to take care of the people I love.

Oh, thank you, Bobby.

Oh...

Yeah, I kinda need this.

That's about that, right there.

Ah, thanks.

Go ahead, do that up.

- I don't know where they went, Bob.
- This is depressing.

Can I borrow your phone?

Goddamn bitches!

'Hello?'

- Hello, Francesca?
- 'Ivan!'

Hey, baby!

- 'Hey!'
- Where are you?

'Look up.
We're in the penthouse.'

You're in the penthouse.

'Come find us.'

Go up and have a good time.
Uh-oh!

- Ivan! Ivan!
- Danny!

- Ivan!
- Danny boy!

- Danny boy!
- How did you find me?

How are you? What are you doing?

You should be an actor.

See that man?
You see that man behind you?

He can't hold a candle to you.

You know why I want you
to represent me?

"Weeds" is gonna happen.

- It's going west.
- "Weeds" is gonna happen.

Hey, Bobby! Bobby!

All of my career was...

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

- Let's get out of here.
- You wanna be an actor?

Cos if I can make it,
anybody can make it.

Could we have a cab, please?

I'm Danny!

I know! "Weeds", man, "Weeds".

- Don West.
- I know.

- And you be good!
- Alright.

- This guy's gonna take care of him.
- OK, great.

- Don't get caught up in the door, Bobby.
- Story of my life.

Come here, Bobby. Come here, Bobby.
What are you shy about?

Oh, that's so lame!

Shh! Shh!

- And who would be at the door?
- Ivan. Ivan Beckman.

Ivan Beckman!

You mean that good-for-nothing
cocksucker of an agent?

You mean that faggot
cow fucker of an agent?

You mean that
ball, prick, cock sucking...

That's what I think about you,
fucking Ivan Beckman.

Jesus, that was wonderful!

My fucking mother is Irish.
I don't know what I'm gonna do with this.

- Maybe I use it in this...
- You had me totally fooled.

Maybe I'll use it in this movie...

- In this movie, "Pubes".
- My friend Bobby.

- Don West.
- Hi, Bobby. How are you?

- He's a great provider.
- Is he? Provider of what?

I need no provisions.

I need no... no provisions.

You know,
Danny McTeague just left.

Did he? I just caught him
in the elevator.

Was he in fine form?

He seemed to be...

- sort of, like, a little bit...
- Look at this.

...you know,
tending the Irish flute.

- Come on! Attaboy!
- Be the man.

I thought I was supposed
to grab her nipple.

- You want to grab her nipple?
- I think that's what we were doing before.

Watch, this is what she was doing.

- Grab it.
- Ah!

Show it.

Whoo!

That just makes me wanna have
a cardiac fucking arrest.

How am I supposed to go home
to the wife and kids?

It's beautiful. It's beautiful.
Where did you get these?

Come on, let's continue.

You can't get off, man,
cos we're bored with ourselves.

We've already been naked
and put our clothes back on.

Speak for yourself, Don.

We've done bestiality and all that,

and I think found out that yes,
I did fuck a chicken when I was young.

Tell me, Don...

Have you...

or do you...

wanna fuck Charlotte,
my girlfriend?

Uh-oh. You don't wanna know her.

I can't believe it!

Terrible!

Just answer the question, Don.

Ivan, for you
I'll answer the question, look...

You know, you put the girl's pussy
in my face, what am I gonna do?

Am I gonna wanna fuck her?
Have I ever fucked her?

You know, she's...
You know what?

Charlotte's got a bad case
of the bitch goddess.

As Hemingway said, "Ambition, baby."

She ain't for you.

She's a traitor.

You're gonna put her pussy in my face
and ask me if I wanted to fuck her? Yeah.

Have I fucked her?

- Have I fucked her, Ivan?
- Have you? Have you?

Have I really fucked her?

Why would you even give a shit
if I fucked her or not?

Why is that? Why is that?

Because if she's cheap enough
to fucking wear no underwear

and open up her dress,
so I can snort stuff off her snatch,

why do you even care about this?

You're king of the hill, Ivan,

but she's not in it for your deal,
she's in it for hers.

She's in it just like every other ski pole
in this town.

But if I had a chance
to fuck your girlfriend? Yeah!

I'd fuck her
in every fucking orifice she has,

and run her out of this town
on a fucking flag pole.

I could fuck all five
of these girls right here.

I'm sorry, Don.

Bobby here got me into
a little sort of paranoiac kind of fit.

Bobby kept on asking me
about your girl, right, Bobby?

- And he was a little concerned about his girl.
- He's all over it.

OK, here's what, blow him!

What?

- Blow him.
- No!

Melanie, you have to,
or you'll have to leave the room.

That's the rule, and you know that.

- Come on!
- So what?

Don't be a...

Don't be a party pooper.
You either do it, or you leave the room.

- Come on, baby!
- No.

"No" what? No, you're not gonna leave
the room, or no, you're not gonna blow him?

I'm not going. I'm not leaving, OK?

- You're not leaving?
- No.

You don't have to put the vodka
on my Gianni Versace suit.

Can we get a little peace and quiet
in the domicile,

since yours truly is picking up the tab?

- Wait, wait, wait!
- OK, I'm out of it.

OK, it's fine.

You're gonna go do it? Go do it.

She's a sport. She's good.

I can do it.
I'm a big girl, I can do it.

- Let's see if he's hung like a donkey.
- Alright!

- Go, girl! Go, girl! Go, girl!
- Jessica!

All work and no play?

- Tragic!
- Do you have a bill?

Speaking of blowjobs...

Do you have a bill, baby?

Ah, have fun.

You can't watch! That's not fair.

Listen for the slurping. Donnie!

You don't have to do anything.

Hello, Mr. Dog.

Hello, baby.

Hello.

- Hello?
- 'Ivan!

- 'It's Lucy.'
- Hey, Lucy.

'It's 11:15.

'The staff meeting started,
and Tarzana's been calling for you.'

But, uh... Don't worry about it,
I'll be in soon.

- Oh, actually, Lucy?
- 'Yeah?'

Um, would you call
the AAA guy for me, please?

'Why, did your car...
Did you have a crash?'

No, I didn't have a crash.

- Just a flat tire.
- 'OK.'

- OK?
- 'Yeah, I'll call.'

- Thank you.
- 'OK, bye.'

Bye.

Oh, Jesus!

Oh, Jesus!

Hey, how are you doing?
Are you Ivan Beckman?

Yes, I am.

- Yeah, see, you have a flat tire.
- A puncture, yeah.

I can get you up and going
in ten minutes,

but I need to see
your membership card first.

OK.

- Hi!
- Hey, sweetheart. What are you doing here?

- Let's go.
- Come here.

- What?
- Come here.

Ivan!

Ivan!

Ivan!

I guess you have something
to celebrate.

I'm sorry I'm so late.

Have you seen the papers?

No, I haven't.

"West Ankles East.
From Zimbalist To Beckman."

And this in "Verité"!

Beckman! Beckman!

Beckman! Beckman...!

Hi, I'm Ira Reuther.

Ivan Beckman.

Hi. Call me Ira.
May I call you Ivan?

Certainly.

And... do me a favor,
just sit right over there, please.

Thank you.

OK, I'm gonna go behind my desk

and assess certain
of your physiological responses.

How's your sleep been
in the last two or three months?

It's OK.

Nothing unusual.

In terms of your sexual functioning,

whether it's with somebody else
or masturbating,

is your plumbing working?

- The plumbing seems to be working, yes.
- That's great.

I'm not gonna write this.

Do you mind if I smoke, by the way?
I'm addicted to these.

- Please do.
- Thank you.

Speaking of addiction,

what kinds of drugs, if any, do you use?

Um...

no more than anybody else, really.

In your crowd, what's anybody else?

Well, let's say I live
a little bit in the fast lane, and...

What are the drugs in the fast lane?

Well, there's a certain amount of...

of, um... cocaine

and the occasional little pill.

And the cocaine - once a week,
once a month, once a year?

Depending on what's going on
that week or that year, basically.

OK.

Um, if there are lots of functions and
people and clients are enjoying themselves,

well, I'll go with the flow.

I see.
What about your use of alcohol?

Alcohol, uh... an occasional binge.

- An occasional binge? How occasional?
- An occasional binge.

Once a week,
once a month, once a year?

Once a week.
Let's say, a sort of weekend alcoholic.

Thank you.

So, what brings you here?

Well, as I said, uh...

my doctor mentioned
that I should speak to someone.

OK.

Do you know about what?

Um...

Well, just recently I...

um...

was diagnosed
with some sort of cancer.

I don't really know what it is.
There was a spot on my lung.

And I was asked to call an oncologist.

I'd better put this out.

Uh...

Have you called the oncologist?

I haven't, no.

Pretty scary, huh?

A little scary, yes.

Are you anxious about that?

I am.

I noticed on your intake sheet

that your mom is deceased.
What did she die of?

She died of, um... cancer.

Ivan, do you have the number
or the card of the oncologist on you?

I do somewhere, yes.

Do you think we should call?

Would you like me to call for you?

It might be a good idea.

Excuse me.

Well, hello! Hello!

Afternoon!

Hmm!

How are you feeling today?

I'm fine. How are you?

Fine!

Never better.

Hello?

So, did you read it?

'Uh, read what?'

My script I sent over.

Your script... I'm sorry, honey.

Are you mad at me
from the other night still?

'No, of course not.'

Is that why you haven't read it?

'Oh, no, no, no.

'I've just been very busy.
I've had a bit of a rough week.'

Well, what are you doing tonight?

I'm having dinner with my dad.

I don't know if you want to come,
you know?

Here, doggie.

Well, baby...

that was very quick.

How come you weren't at that party
in the penthouse?

Oh, I had a little bit of a rough week,
you know?

Did you?

Yeah.

I got just the cure for that.

Martin was there.

- Oh, Martin was there?
- Martin was there.

- Uh-huh.
- Yeah, our good old friend Martin.

Uh-huh.

That ought to perk you up, I think.

All rolled and ready, and...

So, how have you been?

OK. I've had a little bit of a rough week.
Um...

A rough week, my ass!

Mr. Don West's agent!

How cool is that?

Everybody was talking about it.

Like, I need another line,
but... oh, well.

That ought to help get us through dinner
with Daddy tonight.

Thanks for coming.

- Whoo!
- You're looking good.

Yeah, I lost a few pounds
since you saw me last.

You know you don't have
to lose any weight.

Oh, yeah, try and butter me up.

So, come here.

How are you?

- I missed you.
- I missed you, too.

Go on... through!

Now that I think about it,
maybe I should've stopped at my house.

Look, there's Dad.

Hey, Dad.

- So, this is one of yours?
- No.

No? It's... It's quite cool.

It's a lot of paint.

Now, this one's good!

Do you have any of your own artwork
around the house?

Oh, my God!

Sis!

- Hi, Ivan. How are you?
- I'm good.

- And you? How are you?
- I'm good.

That's my girlfriend, Charlotte.

- Marcia.
- Hello, how are you?

- Hi, Marcia. From New York, right?
- Mm-hmm, that's right.

Very nice to meet you.

- Tequila for everybody.
- Nice to meet you.

- So, what do you do?
- What do you mean, what do I do?

She's an artist in her own right.

What type of art?

Um, well, actually right now
I'm studying the human form.

You know, nudes.

Marcia was just about to show us
some of her drawings.

Would you like to see them?

- Oh, yeah!
- Dad, they don't wanna see my stuff.

This is the type of stuff I do.
Dad, what do you think?

Same old stuff, basically, isn't it?

- No.
- No.

It's all new, Ivan.

- You haven't seen this stuff.
- Let me see that first one.

Yeah, I think you're really starting
to get the smell.

You think so?

Ivan, I want to show you something.

That's cool.

- Isn't she beautiful?
- Yeah, she was really something.

Huh!

God, thanks a lot, Dad,
for showing me those.

Manny tells me you made
a big splash this week.

Yeah, I did.
Pretty happy about it.

Tarzana must be very pleased with you.

Yeah, she's been really good to me.

She wants money. She's only interested
in artists who bring her money.

Well, she's an agent.

I know it's very difficult to maintain
a sense of decency in that kind of life.

It's my life, isn't it, Dad?

Dinner! It's ready.

My environment's where I live.
It's what I do.

My son, the talent merchant.
Come on.

- I think that girlfriend of yours is...
- Charlotte!

Charlotte!

Sit down here.

- I had to freshen up a bit.
- This is Ivan's favorite food.

So, what were you guys
talking about in there?

The industry, I assume?

Yes.

Somewhat.

- It's funny.
- What's funny?

So funny how seriously
you take that stuff.

So funny.

What's that?

- Oh, sorry.
- Is that curry?

- No.
- No?

You guys hardly took anything.

No, I'm not that hungry
anyway. I had a big lunch, so...

You had a big lunch?

It's almost 9:30.

Yeah, you know,
I went to a happy hour party,

I had some hors d'oeuvres,
I'm not really that hungry.

I wasn't planning on having dinner.
I just came along for the company.

I know what's going on.

Ivan's got himself messed up
with another cokehead girlfriend.

Oh, Jesus, Marcia, will you shut up?

No, I'm not gonna shut up.

Look at her! She hasn't stopped sniffing
since she came out of the bathroom.

For your information,
I'm on anti-depressants.

Mm-hmm.

I know it makes me appear
to be a little...

What?

No, it was fucking funny. I'm sorry.

It's more than funny.
It's hilarious.

Anyway, I'm on anti-depressants,

and it makes me a little bit
nervous-acting, so...

- Mm-hmm.
- ...excuse me.

It's perfectly understandable.
You don't have to explain.

Well, she's accused me
of being on coke.

I'm sure it wouldn't be that, uh...

- What?
- Well, that's enough.

- No, it's not enough, Dad!
- You're bickering like you always have.

Bicker, bicker, bicker.

Can we just have a nice family dinner?

This is what I call a nice family dinner.

It is what you call a nice family dinner,
isn't it, Marcia?

- Well... you know what?
- What?

- If I can't be honest with you, Ivan...
- Yeah?

...then who's going to be?

Honest about what?

Charlotte is gonna be honest with you?

Pray, be honest.

I will.

I'm sorry,
what are you bringing me into?

You're dragging... What kind of family
argument are you dragging me into?

I'm not dragging you into anything.

Actually, I've heard enough from you.

OK, that's enough.

Ivan, we all love you very much.

And I have completely lost my appetite.

Yeah, but, I mean, what...
you love me,

but you still think what I do is stupid.

- That's right.
- You would agree with that, wouldn't you?

Of course I do.

Ivan, you're gonna drown!

- You're gonna drown.
- OK, OK, enough!

I wish Mom was here in a way,
you know?

Well, you know what?
Mom's not here. Mom's dead.

Charlotte?

What?

What is it, Ivan?

Do you have any idea
how embarrassing that was for me?

There you go.

'Hi, you've reached Charlotte.

'Please leave a message,
and I'll call you back. Bye.'

Hey Charlotte, it's Ivan.

Um, could you call me back, please?

It's quite important.
I need to speak to you.

There's something
I need to tell you tonight.

I'm sorry, Mr. Dog.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.
Have I been neglecting you?

I've been neglecting you, hmm?

I've been neglecting you.

I'm sorry, Mr. Dog.

I'm sorry.

- 'Hi, you've reached Charlotte.'
- Oh, fuck!

- 'Please leave a message. I'll call you back.'
- Fuck!

Ugh!

Hello?

'Ivan! I have someone here
who wants to talk to you.'

Francesca!

Hi!

'How are you?'

- I'm good and you?
- 'I'm good.'

Why don't you come up here?

'Oh, is it the same deal as before?'

Why not?
That sounds interesting to me.

'Do you want me to bring Jessie?'

Yeah, bring Jessie.

♪ La-la! ♪

Hello?

'Hi!'

Hey, Charlotte. Hi.

'What are you doing?
Why are you so out of breath?'

Oh! I've been listening to music,
that's all.

- 'Poor thing.'
- I'm so happy you called.

'Are you sure you weren't
spanking the monkey?'

No.

'So what is it that
you have to tell me, Ivan?

'I feel terrible, terrible right now,
and I'm sorry.'

I'm sorry, honey.

'No, I'm sorry. I was yelling.
I don't know what was wrong with me.'

I know, I was being a little weird, too.

'Too much coke or something.

'So, what is it?'

Darling, do you think
we could speak in the morning?

- I'm about to go to sleep.
- 'Is that your doorbell?'

I don't think it's my...
I don't know what it is.

'No, that's definitely your doorbell.
Who's there?'

I don't know.
I'm not expecting anybody, honey.

'Mm. So, why don't you go see who it is
and come back and tell me?'

Uh, no, I'd rather speak to you
in the morning, baby.

I'm just so tired, I can't tell you.

'Do you mind if I come over?'

It'd be better you didn't.

Why don't we have breakfast?

Would that be OK?

Charlotte?

'I think you'd better go
answer the fucking door.'

Shit!

Well, hello!

Hi, puppy.

Hi, cutie.

Hi!

- So, whose turn is it?
- Turn for what?

Truth or dare, baby.

Huh!

That is...

You bite it first.

Mm...!

Very good!

OK, Ivan.

- What?
- Truth or dare?

Oh...

OK, truth.

I'll be boring.

OK, Ivan.

How many drugs
are you on right now?

How many?
You name them. Tell me.

Half a pound of coke.

Oh, at least!

At the very least!

Ecstasy.

- Yeah!
- I witnessed that.

- Um...
- There was something else.

Smack?

- Smack?
- Yeah, heroin.

Smack?

Um... no. No.

I draw the line at smack.

- Really?
- Yeah, I don't like smack.

I don't like the idea of smack.
I don't like the concept of smack.

Maybe I should.
Maybe I should try it.

- Maybe you should.
- Yeah.

- I think maybe I will.
- It's the next step.

Yeah.

I mean, why? Why do people
have the stigma against smack?

Smack's great.

I've decided.

OK, but there's something as well,
I can tell.

Cos you're not exactly buzzed like me.

- Like, you haven't told me you love me.
- Oh, no, no, no. Yes, yes, yes, yes.

- There's something else.
- There is something else.

- What else?
- What are you hiding from us?

Tell the truth.

Ooh!

- Prescription?
- I mean, these things are great.

- What are they?
- Let me see.

It's my dog's medicine.

My mother was taking those.

- She was?
- Yeah.

Oh, was she?

- Uh-huh. That's good.
- She died of cancer.

Those are for cancer.

I have a cancer.

A tumor in the lung.

And it's killing me.

You know,

last night...

I had this incredible pain.

The pain was so strong that I took...

every pill in the goddamn house.

But... the pills wouldn't do anything.

The pain wouldn't go away.

So I tried to find an image,

one worthwhile image...

that would get me through it.

And all I could find was shit.

I couldn't find
one worthwhile goddamn thing.

I just have this...

this memory, I don't know,
I was maybe three, maybe four years old,

and I remember my mother holding me...

with her woolly sweater, and...

my cheek against her breast.

Ah, and she smelt so sweet...
smelt so sweet.

So, what...

What's gonna happen to my dog?

Do you think animal control
is gonna take him?

And put him away?

Don't pity me.

Huh! Why should you?

Someday...

Someday it'll happen to you, too.

Your time will come.

'9-1-1 emergency.'

Well, this is regarding
disturbances on our street.

- I don't know, we've had noise...
- 'Your name?'

Settle down, settle down.

There you go.
Come on, you're alright.

You're gonna be OK.

Just relax. Relax.

Relax.

There you go. There you go.

Just relax now, OK?

How much of that coke did you do?

Huh? How much? Talk to me.

727. Roll paramedics.

'Dr. Warsawski to the OR.

'Dr. Warsawski to the OR.'

Good morning, everybody.

The police found him combative
on his living room floor this morning.

Very combative.
Rule out drug overdose.

We found cocaine, alcohol, barbiturates,
everything but a needle on scene.

- You don't know him?
- No history.

He's not moving air.

Take it easy, buddy. Take it easy.
What's your name?

Sam, give him 100 sucks.

Can we get the suck fixed?
Is the line good?

Give me a trach filter.

Respiratory is here.

Careful, there's blood coming from...

Give me some suction.

You've got the trach tube?

The blade.

- Alright, everybody.
- Jesus Christ! Trach him, goddammit!

Spreaders.

He's improving.

Just having a hard time speaking.

Ivan, I'm gonna put a pen
in your hand.

Try and write a number...

Is there anything you'd like to tell me?

Just push that if you need me, OK?