It's Not a Date (2014) - full transcript

(DRAMATIC MUSIC)

You know,

you go out with a girl and
sometimes it works out,

you go out again.

Sometimes it doesn't
and you move on.

But if you just
hook up for a night,

it's not a date.

(WE COULD BE ANYTHING)

♪ Every day friends
and lovers grow

♪ Like flowers make mistakes

♪ And spend the
hours living it down



♪ Life's a game

♪ A journey for us inside out

♪ No doubt, no doubt

♪ But down the road

♪ You're bound to
take a different route

♪ Where it goes?

♪ Nobody really knows

♪ I've found in the end

♪ It always comes back around

♪ Somehow, somehow

♪ But I don't know

♪ Why it has to be

♪ So black and
white for you and me

♪ When there's a million
colors in between



♪ And we could be anything

♪ The truth ain't
always what it seems

♪ And right or wrong
lacks depth to me

♪ Fear is our only enemy

♪ And we could be anything

♪ Anything

Hey, you going out?

Tom is it?

Didn't work out.

This one's a Max.

Max?

The bastard never showed.

Josh?

Jonathan.

Seeing Jonathan again?

Bruce.

What does Bruce do?

He's an interior decorator.

He's not gay?

I don't think he's gay.

♪ You've got to
be alone sometimes

♪ In the cold

♪ Weathering the storm inside

♪ So you know

♪ No matter what
it's gonna be fine

Where are you going?

I'm meeting someone.

Is it a date?

No, it's not a date.

Who are you meeting?

Tom I think.

You don't know?

Pretty sure.

And?

And he's six foot,
curly brown hair,

has a masters from UCLA

and works for a financial
services company.

At least that's what
his profile says.

Are you dating
him or hiring him?

It's not a "date" date.

So where did you meet this
Tom or whatever his name is?

I haven't met him yet.

I'm going to meet him now.

You don't know
who you're meeting?

It's some guy I met online.

So, he could be
Tom the ax murderer.

Yes, dad, he could
be Tom the ax murderer.

But we're gonna meet
in a public place

and if he walks
in carrying an ax,

I promise I'll just
excuse myself and leave.

Wait. Wait, wait, wait, wait.

What?

Too much blush.

Are you wearing underwear?

Yes, I'm wearing underwear!

I'm glad you're
wearing underwear.

Be careful.

Dad, I'm not stupid.

We're meeting for coffee.

Just to talk.

It is a date.

No, it's not a date.

It's a good idea when you meet
people online

to meet them in a public place

to get to know them first.

And make sure they're
not going to kill you.

That too.

Bye.

You've been doing
this a lot lately.

It's just how people meet
nowadays, online, websites.

Did you like that boy that
Aunt Cindy set you up with?

No.

The one who just
graduated from Northwestern.

No!

No one you or your friends

will ever set me up
with will ever work out.

What kind of attitude is that?

I'm sorry.

It's just a fact of life.

Nowadays a mother's match
a match made in hell.

It works for the Indians,
Muslims, the orthodox Jews.

Fine.

Find me a Muslim,
Indian Jew and I am in.

In the meantime, Mom,
let me find my own dates.

Hey, babe, do
you need any money?

Dad, I'm a nurse.

I work.

Okay, it's habit.

Go. Go have a good time.

Thank you.

What's his name again?

Tom.

Tom.

Six foot, brown hair,

with a college degree from UCLA.

Good.

I want to be able to
give the cops a good ID.

You are not funny.

I am funny.

Call us for any problems

and Joe the handyman
for all emergencies.

I can handle it.

Go. Have a good time.

Do you have the tickets.

I have the tickets.

Let me see them.

I have the tickets.

Are they in your
bag or your pocket?

Mom, he has the tickets.

Now you have the tickets.

Go. Have a good time.

Get out of here.

Bye guys.

(DRAMATIC MUSIC)

(PHONE VIBRATES)

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

What?

(APPLAUD)

Oh, one second.

Hey.

Hey, how's it going?

You're really good.

Thank you.

I'm Carly.

Steve.

Nice to meet you.

Pleasure.

(SENSUAL MUSIC)

Be careful.

I don't want to
break the statue.

Oh!

Sorry.

Are you okay (CHUCKLES)?

Think I have a concussion?

You have a little bump.

You want something to drink?

Wine?

Wine puts me to sleep.

And I don't know if I'm
going to be up late.

Am I going to be up late?

I'll make coffee.

So is this your place?

My parents'.

Are they out for the night?

They're away for
a couple of days.

Vegas.

They like Vegas.

Do you wanna smoke?

Sure.

Your parents don't
mind that you keep

your weed out in the open?

It's their weed.

They really like these mini J's.

I should warn you in advance.

I get very existential
when I smoke.

Like how?

Like I realize the
true meaning of life

but I can never
remember what it was.

So, if I say anything
brilliant, write it down.

(GIGGLES) So, tell me, Steve,

what else don't
I know about you?

Well, I know you can kiss.

And you're a good dancer.

But I don't know
much else about you.

What exactly would
you like to know?

How did you end
up in California?

I got a full ride to
Stanford and I stayed.

So, you're smart.

I'm not Einstein
but smart enough.

I mean smart enough to work
at an internet start-up

but not smart enough yet to
make my own ideas happen.

But they'll happen.

What kind of ideas?

Apps and stuff.

Yeah, apps and stuff.

Are you sure we
haven't met before.

At a party or some event?

I don't think so.

And anyway, I remember feet.

They're the sexiest
part of a woman's body.

Well, in the top four anyway.

You dress them up in sexy shoes.

They're the beginning of
where a man wants to end.

And they're the
first part of a woman

that she'll give up freely.

Sounds like a fetish to me.

There are worse ones.

So, how about you?
Do you like nursing?

Oh, I love nursing.

Lot of blood and stuff?

Well, you get to help people.

You give shots?

Yeah.

Needles.

I hate needles.

(GIGGLES) Well,
what do you love?

I don't know about love.

Oh, come on.

You must love something.

The word's over-hyped.

Okay, fine.

Skip love.

What do you like?

Like, love, work, fuck.

They're all dirty
four letter words.

I'm more of a
metaphysical kind of guy.

Metaphysical?

Well, maybe I meant physical.

(GIGGLES) Come on,
what do you like?

What do you like?

I like

mojitos and Frieda Kahlo.

Single malt and Stan Lee.

Chicago deep dish.

Pineapple.

Tennis.

Angry Birds.

There you go.

You do have likes.

Its not about what you
like or love in this life.

It's about what you want
and how you're gonna get it.

What do you want?

You are fast.

I can go slow when it counts.

Do you have a Jimmy hat?

A what?

A condom. Protection.

Whatever.

A Jimmy hat?

Shut up!

It won't feel as good.

And anyway, I trust you.

Look, I'd like to fuck you.

I wanna fuck you.

But I'm not...

I'm pulling out
before I get there.

What?

Did you miss high school sex ed?

You want me to
go out and get one?

No I have one upstairs.

Come on.

I really hate to have
to be the pussy police.

I don't feel good
about it either.

And I certainly don't want
to get Mr. Jimmy in trouble.

But I promise I'll
make it up to you.

(RELAXING MUSIC)

♪ Couldn't stop

♪ This feeling if I try

♪ Driving on just alone

♪ For the ride

♪ And I can't wait to see

♪ How this one ends

♪ Will we be lovers or friends

♪ If you could read my mind

♪ You say what's

(DRAMATIC MUSIC)

What time is it?

You have some place to go?

No.

Come on back to bed.

How long have your beard?

I don't know.

Years.

Not more than two.

What makes you think that?

Your driver's license fell
out of your pants' pocket.

Your name is Milo
Daily, not Steve.

Steve is my middle name.

You didn't have that beard
when we met two years ago.

We've met before?

Yeah.

I met the beardless
dude that's on your ID.

And I don't think you
told me your name was

Steve or Milo then.

Okay, I gave you a phony name.

But that's all and
I'm sorry about that.

But I've run into some
fucked up bitches before.

Not you!

But sometimes you
sleep with a girl once

and she can get a little nutsy.

But hey, I like you.

Like, love, work, fuck.

What else is a lie?

You want me to go?

What else?!

I'm not from Indiana.

I grew up in Sherman Oaks.

Stanford.

Cal State.

Computer wiz?

I'm a baker.

Look, would I be
lying in your bed

if you knew I was a baker
and wore a hair net all day,

and didn't make six figures.

Maybe.

Bullshit.

But, come on, does
that really matter?

I mean, we had a good time
last night, didn't we?

I am surprised you
don't remember me.

But I guess to you,
all pussies look alike.

What the hell are
you talking about?

We fucked a couple
of times two years ago.

I really don't
think that was me.

Yeah, it was.

My friend, Margie, introduced
us at a pool party.

We hooked up in her bathroom.

You asked me out
the next weekend

and we went back to your place.

I remember the dinner date.

There was none.

Take out at your place.

Fucking was our
evening entertainment.

And then you disappeared.

Not so much as a text, a call,

a "sorry, we didn't click".

Nada!

I swear.

I don't remember.

No?

Maybe your hair was different?

No.

Did you lose weight?

No!

Gain weight?

Fuck you!

Hey! That was then, I
guess, and this is now.

And I bet you
enjoyed then and now.

I had no complaints then,

until about a week
later when I started

smelling like a wet dog.

You gave me an STD.

All right.

It couldn't have been me, I...

It was you!

Do you know how much a pain in
the ass it is to get treated?

Have you been treated?

Or are you still out
there spreading the cheer?

It wasn't me.

Really, it wasn't.

I really enjoyed last night.

I thought we clicked.

In fact I had plans
for a second date.

Plans.

What kind of plans?

Perversions.

No, look, I'm kidding.

I'm not a bad guy.

You're looking for a
serious relationship,

I'm looking for a
serious relationship.

And I'm sorry about the name.

But come on, it's gonna take

more than one night of cuddling.

Come on.

It wasn't me.

Okay.

We'll forget this ever happened.

We'll start over.

Perfect.

Why don't you grab another
Jimmy hat from the drawer.

Aw!

What the fuck?

What was the fuck was that?

Antibiotics.

You're fucking crazy.

I'm going to put this
on my Facebook page

with the heading
"scum of the earth".

Really? You're fucked up.

You know that.

I am out of here.

You're insane.

Should I expect your call?

Or maybe we can double date?

Chlamydia, gonorrhea,
you and me.

Just stay away from me, okay?

And you wonder why guys don't
wanna be upfront with you.

And I'm not driving you back.

You can walk or
you can take a cab.

I don't care.

Fuck you!

Fuck you!

Very mature (COUGHS).

I need something to drink.

Just get out of here.

Give me something to drink.

Just go.

I need some water.

Regular or sparkling?

Just water.

Oh, shit!

My tongue.

My tongue is swelling up.

Let me see.

Are you allergic to anything?

No!

What the fuck did you give me?

911.

Call 911.

Calm down.

(GASPING)

Shit!

Shit!

Shit! Shit!

(PHONE RINGING)

Fucker, don't die on me!

VOICEOVER: This is
the Sagat residence,

home of Bill, Laurie and,
on occasion, Carly Sagat.

Please leave a
message at the beep.

VOICEOVER: Carly,
this is your mother.

Don't forget to walk Max.

And put the dishes away.

Don't let the house
turn into a pigsty.

We're having a nice time.

Your father took me
to a show last night.

The Blue Man.

I didn't get it but
it was very good.

VOICEOVER: Hey,
give me the phone.

Princess, don't bring men over.

Have them take you out.

All right, we'll
call again later.

- Have a nice time.
- Dad.

Dad, it's not my fault

but something's happened and I,

I can't talk right now.

Yeah, I have a friend over.

Just a friend.

Yeah, I gotta go.

Something just spilled.

All right, I'll
talk to you later.

(GASPING)

It's okay.

It's gonna be okay.

You bitch.

(HEARTBEAT)

(UPBEAT MUSIC)

♪ Just got one thing to say

♪ Young girls love to play

♪ They'll be the enemy

♪ Don't you know what
you're looking for

What the fuck?

What the hell is going on?

Let me out of this.

I can't.

Are you kidding me?!

Help!

Help! Anybody help!

I'm upstairs.

Look, you can
yell all you want.

But nobody's going to hear you.

This house has great insulation

and the windows
are double panned.

So, if you want to
yell, be my guest.

I'll just go downstairs
until you wear yourself out.

Wait a minute. Wait a...

This is all 'cause
I may have given you

herpes or something?

No!

Yes.

Yes, I was pissed.

But I just gave
you an antibiotic

to cure all your genital bugs.

That is all.

You tried to kill me!

No, I didn't!

You had an allergic reaction.

How was I supposed to know that?

You're lucky I'm a nurse.

I saved your life.

Oh, you deserve a medal.

I'll call TIME.

Have them put you on the cover.

Now, let me go.

I want you to know,

I'm a really good person.

I've never hurt
anybody in my life.

If have made any mistakes,

it's been my choice in men.

But it's not so easy now.

No, it is easy.

Just cut me loose.

We'll forget all about this.

We pretend we've never met.

I would love to pretend
that we have never met!

Then I have to trust you.

And knowing you, I don't.

What the fuck do
you want from me?

Where are you going with this?

I gave you medication.

I caused you an injury.

That's malpractice.

And now, I guess,
I've kidnapped you.

But I don't want to
lose my nursing license.

And I don't wanna go to jail.

I know I fucked up.

I know.

I just need time to
think this all out.

Figure this out. What
is there to figure?

Oh, this is nonsense.

I mean, I've have had some
fucked up dates before

but this is really...

I'm the bad date?

I'm the fucking bad date?!

Hey.

That's not what I meant.

Well, okay maybe that's
what I meant but...

...I need to pee.

Whoa! What are you doing?

I'm gonna help you pee.

I can't pee sitting down
with you holding my dick.

Let me stand up and go.

Well, just try.

I can't think about peeing
with you holding my dick.

I'm a nurse.

Yeah, I know you're a nurse.

In fact you look
pretty hot in scrubs.

I'm just thinking we
forget about all this.

You know, you take your
clothes off, I take mine

and we start off
where we left off.

Everything else is
forgotten and forgiven.

Let me get this straight.

You fucked me.

I fucked you up.

And now you want
to fuck me again.

Sounds like a plan.

Milo, Milo.

Milo.

What am I going to do with you?

Aw!

What do you call it?

Mr. Johnson?

Mr. Knish.

Your baloney poney.

Cum Gun?

Your one-eyed trouser snake?

You think it can magically
get you in and out of places.

But it can't.

It's not a gun.

Bang! Bang!

You can't wave it like a flag.

It's not sharp enough
to cut you loose.

And I bet, if I wanted,

I could make it big.

Yeah.

But right now, Milo,

I bet you can't get it up.

All you can do with
this thing now is pee.

Let me fuckin' out of this!

What happened?

A moment ago you
were romancing me.

I really need to pee.

All right.

I'm going to cut you loose.

And you can walk to the toilet.

But that's it, got it?

(ROCK MUSIC)

You think you're god now

but I'm going to
fucking kill you.

I am god.

The pussy god.

(EERIE MUSIC)

Help!

Help!

Somebody help!

Carly!

Carly!

Help!

Carly.

Carly.

Carly!

Carly!

♪ Somewhere

Carly!

♪ You may sit and watch me

♪ What must you be
thinking right now

♪ It's so unfair

Oh.

Max?!

What are you doing?

Come here.

Didn't you her me?

What's the matter?

I fucking shit myself.

Oh, my god!

Max!

You can't, you can't do that.

You can't leave me like this.

I mean, what do you want?

I'll give you anything you want.

I don't know what I want.

I'm gonna clean you up.

But look, I left your hand free

so you could eat, drink,
scratch and change the channels.

But if you fucking try anything,

I'm gonna let you sit
in your shit for a week.

Do you understand me?

Don't be embarrassed.

It's not your fault.

I should have thought of this.

I'll get you a bedpan
for the next time

so in case you have to,
this won't be such an issue.

Well, at least
take this thing out.

I'm not running
up to hold your dick

every time you need to pee.

So for now, it'll have to stay.

(FARTING)

(LAUGHTER)

Oh, oh.

Do you want anything
in particular for dinner?

Are you serious?

I can order a pizza or
I can make you beef stew.

I'm a really good cook.

What would you like?

I'd like to make a phone call.

That's not going to happen.

You can't keep
me here forever.

The sooner you let me go, the
better this will be for you.

Never mind.

I'm too tired to cook.

I'll order pizza.

Pineapple right?

Pepperoni.

I thought you liked pineapple.

I lied.

Why did you lie about pizza?

Girls like guys
who like veggies.

Oh, really?

Where the hell do come
up with these things?

(DOG BARKING)

VOICEOVER: Carly.

Help!

Help!

Help!

Don't do that.

Please don't do that.

Help!

Help! What are you doing?

- Help.
- Count to a hundred.

Help.

Help.

Sleep tight.

Thick crust, extra cheese.

Is this some weird sex thing?

Mom, Mom, it'll be okay.

What?

What'll be okay?

You left this place a pigsty.

How many times have I
told you to use a plate.

Okay, okay.

She has a man in her room.

A what?

She has a man in her room!

We talked about this.

Carly, it seems to bother
your mother a little

more than it does me but we know

you're a grown woman and we know

you have relationships with men.

No. She has a man in
a cast in her room.

Well the fact she's
sleeping with somebody

that has a broken something
or other doesn't matter.

What matters...

Are you deaf?

She's keeping a man a
prisoner in her room.

What are you talking about?

What is she talking about?

Dad, just come with me.

I'll explain.

I once dated a girl
who had terrible asthma.

She was on oxygen all the time.

When we had sex, I thought
sometimes she was dying,

from all the wheezing.

I mean, this boy, he just
has a broken leg, right?

He's not a cripple or anything.

Not that there's
anything wrong with that.

(DRAMATIC MUSIC)

What were you thinking?

It just happened.

It just happened.

There was no thinking.

Obviously not.

I'm sorry, dad.

I really am.

How long is he going to
be unconscious like that?

I don't know.

Probably another hour or so

and then he'll wake up
and start yelling again.

We can't keep him
drugged up all the time.

No.

What are we gonna do, Bill?

Well, we're not going to
take it out on the cheese.

Here.

Here, take your medicine.

I don't think there's
a pill for this.

Take your medicine!

He's okay.

He's not hurt.

He's not badly hurt.

I just don't know
what to do with him.

He's not a pet.

You have to let the man go.

I know.

But, but I don't want
my life to be over.

If he goes to the police,
I could go to jail.

I don't wanna be a criminal.

And this is a man you slept
with after the first date?

You are concerned
with her dating life?

Get a handle on
what this is, Bill.

This is the end of our lives.

This is the end of
our fucking lives.

Don't get hysterical
on me, baby.

I'm not hysterical.

I'm not hysterical.

Who's hysterical?

I'm not freaking hysterical.

Laurie!

Where are you going?

I'm going to jump in
the pool and drown myself.

You're not gonna jump in
the pool and drown yourself.

Why not?

Why the hell not?!

Because if you
jump into the pool

you're not going to drown.

You're going to freeze to death

and I'm going to freeze
coming in after you.

Come on back inside.

Mom, it's gonna be okay.

Oh, really. You think so?

Look, It should not be a crime

to treat someone who's
just giving STD's

willy nilly to all women
all through the universe.

No.

He is not nice person.

You're right.

Come on, let's go inside.

And the fact that
"he's not a nice person"

is not a good enough
reason to have the guy

all plastered up upstairs.

Who's side are you on, Bill?

I'm on Carly's
side, of course.

But this is not right.

Dad, I know it's not right.

But there must be a
way to make it right.

I don't know.

You're not involved.

Of course we're involved.

You're keeping a man
prisoner in our home.

But if he never sees you,
he'll never know you're here.

Oh, great logic.

I want you to leave again.

Go back to Vegas.

It'll give me some time to
figure this out on my own.

We're not leaving you
until we all figure you

away out of this mess.

I deal with scumbags
all the time.

Lying buyers, sellers,
appraisers, bankers.

Laurie, this is not a real
estate transaction gone wrong.

Thank you.

I know that.

But it's business.

In business you make deals.

You compromise.
There are options.

Let's just think,
think for options.

If we let him go, he'll
most likely go to the police.

I would.

Bill.

No, Dad's right.

We have to think
logically, not emotionally.

When he wakes up, we'll
try to reason with him.

And if he decides to
go to the police, well,

I'll just have to hire
a really good lawyer.

That's your
solution, a lawyer?

Well, what options are
you thinking about, Laurie?

The drowning option?

The freezing option?

Or the option to buy our house?

You could accuse him first.

Go to the police and accuse
him of rape or something.

Rape, rape.

That's a good idea!

Finally you've come
up with a great idea.

No, I can't.

After all the "he says,
she says" dies down,

you can recant.

You've made mistakes.

He's made mistakes.

There's no moral high
ground here, right?

I can't!

Why not?

Because after
we slept together

and before all of this happened,

I may have texted a few friends.

So?

So, I may have told
them he was good in bed.

Carly.

At least I didn't
post any pictures.

Thank God for that
little blessing.

Okay.

What else?

We're not killing anybody.

No.

No. No.

Okay.

Oh God, I can't think.

We don't want to
do anything rash.

I'm going to bed.

We'll think about this
more in the morning.

Bill, how can you sleep?

It's late.

It was a long drive
back from Vegas.

I'm exhausted.

We'll get some rest.

And we'll think more
clearly. Come on.

Yeah, dad's right.

At least we know
he's not gonna get up

and walk out the front door?

No, he can't.

I'll be right back.

Wait, where are you going?

I haven't fed him yet.

He'll wake up soon and
I promised him pizza.

And if he starts yelling,
don't go in there.

And if he does
yell, don't worry.

He's okay.

He's got food and water
and the remote control.

All the comforts of home.

(FOREBODING MUSIC)

Hey, where are you going?

I'm going in there and
try to reason with him.

She told you not
to go in there.

What have you got
in your pocket?

Nothing.

What have you
got in your pocket?

Don't go nutsy on me again.

I don't care.

I'll go to jail.

I'll take the blame for this.

But we are going to come up
with a sensible solution.

You're more tired than I am.

You're not making any sense.

Come back to bed.

Come on.

Don't you see?

This punk is going to
ruin our daughter's life.

I'm her mother.

I'm not going to just stand
by and watch that happen.

Come back to bed.

Take another pill.

Another pill?

Yeah.

Okay.

Okay, here we go.

Get off me!

This is a situation.

No, no, no, no, no.

No.

You think he has parents?

I'm sure of it.

No, you know what I mean.

Parents, living,
worried about him?

I've got more to worry
about my own daughter.

I don't need to be
worrying about his parents.

Come on!

Before he wakes up.

We could bury
him in the backyard

where you wanted to
build your barbecue.

You are so taking
your medication.

So, I can build my barbecue?

You know, eventually you're
going to have to let me go.

I mean, we're not going to spend

the rest of our lives
together like this.

What do you think?

The more time we spend together,

we're just gonna get comfortable
with each other and this,

this situation.

Pretty soon, I'm gonna go
from a cast to handcuffs;

from pizza to your beef stew.

And one day you'll lead
me downstairs on a leash

to meet the folks.

Maybe you think
I'm gonna succumb

to some Stockholm
syndrome or something?

'Cause it's not going to happen.

You're fucked.

And the longer I'm here
the more fucked you are.

How do you know I'm
not going to cut you up

into little pieces and
feed you to my dog?

Have another slice of pizza.

Max likes a lot of
meat on his bones.

All right, you can
pretend some type of female

Hannibal Lecter, but you're not.

In the end, I go home
and you go to jail

or the nut house maybe.

People are gonna ask about me.

Somebody's going
to notice my car

sitting at the club all night.

People are gonna start
asking questions.

And, eventually, in a few hours,

a few days maybe, the
cop's gonna be knocking

on your front door.

You have been watching
way too much television.

I have a feeling
nobody cares about you.

I mean, how long could
it take to replace

a supermarket deli man?

I'm not a deli man.

I'm a baker.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, whatever.

Butcher, baker,
candlestick maker.

You know, the more you talk,

the uglier you get.

So who's here?

You know.

Your parents.

Your whole family can't
be as crazy as you.

Maybe somebody here has
got have some sense.

If you yell and wake
anybody up, I swear.

Okay, I won't. I won't.

Just don't tug on the catheter.

I didn't say you had
to move your hand.

So what did you

tell your friends?

You know after that night.

What do you mean?

You know after you
came the first time,

you went to the bathroom.

And you tweeted or
texted somebody.

You are so vain.

What?

Women talk.

I know women talk.

You guys love to talk.

At the weirdest times too.

You know the story
always went that guys

talked about their conquests.

I never did.

I mean my friends
would get together

and somebody would talk
about who they're dating

or if they were fucking
somebody but nobody

got very graphic
about their business.

I bet the size and width of
my dick is online right now.

Yeah.

That's why it had to be a tweet.

Did you turn the faucet on
when you went to the bathroom

'cause you didn't want
me to hear you pee.

You know, I know women
pee, for Christ sake.

Shut up.

What are you doing?

I'm going to bed.

You're going to sleep
here? In this bed.

It's my room.

My bed.

Don't you usually sleep naked?

Usually.

But not with you here.

How the fuck do you sleep?

Usually I wear underwear
but that's so I can jack off

at a moment's notice.

Oh my God.

You are so disgusting.

Oh, little Miss Sunshine with
the vibrator in the drawer.

Shut up.

Now, I feel sorry for you.

It's going to be a bitch
smuggling this thing into prison.

Good night, Carly.

Here.

Take it.

What do I do with this?

You put it in the catheter,

withdraw the fluid
in the balloon,

and pull it out.

Pull it out?

Yeah.

I put it in.

You pull it out.

What are we
talking about here?

Oh my God, the catheter.

That's nice.

Thank you.

Did you sleep?

Not very well.

I was up all night
keeping an eye on you.

I know. I'm sorry.

I shouldn't drink at night.

Oh, it was the wine, huh?

Yeah.

I hid the gun.

Okay.

Where?

I wasn't going to do anything.

I just wanted to scare him.

You scare me.

My daughter scares me.

What are you going
to do about it, Bill?

I don't know.

It's all gone.

What?

All of our hopes
and dreams for Carly.

They're gone.

What are you talking about?

We'll work this out.

Carly's still a wonderful girl.

She worked hard to make
herself a successful career.

She has lots of friends.

She's attractive.

She has lots of dates.

She'll find someone she likes.

That.

All that what you said.

It's gone.

I should just shoot myself.

You're going down that
dead end road again.

I can't help it.

There's no solution.

There's a solution.

I just haven't
thought of it yet.

Are you going to be all
right with him here?

I'm fine.

Okay, I'm out of here.

Don't do anything nutsy.

(DOORBELL RINGING)

Who is it?

Oh, God. I forgot.

Monday morning is mahj.

Help!

Anybody! I'm...

Shut up!

Who's coming?

Ruth and Mindy
and your Aunt Cindy.

I won't answer.

Upstairs.

But they know you're here.

Help, anybody!

Just give me a
minute and then answer.

Please.

Are you sure?

I can handle this.

Please, I'm upstairs.

Are we playing Maj
or going clubbing?

I grew up with her.

I was invisible.

She's a man magnet.

So, are we gonna play or what?

♪ I fell into electric blue

♪ I'm back to school

Can you hear me?

Hey!

Aw!

Hey!

Hey.

Sorry about that.

I won't do it again.

So, who's here?

Do you hear me?

Yes, I hear you.

Somebody's here.

You know I'm very sociable.

Come on.

Introduce me to your mother.

Mothers love me.

I'm a potential.

A potential what?

What do you think? A potential
seed for the grand kids.

Bad seed.

So whose helmets?

Who rides?

My dad.

I've got a Harley.

A fat boy.

Really?

It's all tricked out.

Lots of chrome, Custom paint.

It's a beauty.

No, I don't have a Harley.

I don't have a bike.

More lies.

But you liked that
image, didn't you.

Just for a moment,
you tell the truth.

You were imagining
yourself straddling my hog

cruising down the coast highway,

that exciting vibration
between your legs.

Why do you have to
be anything you're not?

Am I any different from you?

You pretend.

A make-up, those push up bras,

tight short dresses,
those come fuck me shoes.

What are you pretending to be?

It is not the same.

I'm not lying about myself.

I'm making myself,
myself look better.

You're making up a
whole different person.

It's my make-up.

When I'm comfortable with
somebody, I take it off.

What's the longest
relationship you've ever had?

I mean I know you're good
at one night stands but

have you ever
gotten past a week?

You sound like my shrink.

You see a shrink?

Really?

For 15 years.

Wait a minute.

That means you've been seeing
a shrink since high school?

A troubled soul.

If I didn't go to therapy
every day after school,

I would have had to play soccer

or basketball or baseball
and I hated all that shit.

My after-school program was
listening to my psychiatrist

convince me how my
parents fucked up my life.

"Do you think your
parents liked your brother

"better than you?

"Do you think you would have
rather been born a girl?

"If your cock was a pen,
what color would the ink be?"

Maybe Dr. Gupta's brainwashing
is what fucked up my life.

You're making all
this up, aren't you?

Check my wallet.

Dr. Gupta from Encino.

I'm through playing
games with your Carly.

Look where it's gotten me.

Your parents know I'm
up here, don't they?

I've had men over before.

They treat me like an adult.

They don't ask, I don't tell.

So, your parents don't
know you have a man

set in plaster in your bed?

No.

Okay.

So what about you, huh?

Have you ever had a
serious relationship?

I mean, not a one night stand,

or a weekend relationship
for a couple of months,

or high-school puppy
love where you write

the guys name down
a thousand times

or mention him to your
friends as "the one,"

to make some make-believe
love seem real?

Or, do you cast all
your men in plaster?

Hey, don't worry about it.

Really.

I see you getting
married some day.

I do.

And then shooting your husband.

Fuck you.

Where you going?

See you later.

I'll be here.

Flower.

Wait a minute.

I'll take that.

Did you hear that Barbara's
gonna have another grandchild?

Nine dot.

Red.

I'm going broke buying gifts.

Graduation gifts, bridal
showers, wedding gifts.

Well, you've had your share.

I'm the barren one here.

Seven dot.

Is Carly dating anyone?

We're having some problems
with Carly right now.

What kind of problems?

I don't want to talk about it.

Four crack.

Men of course.

Cindy, what do you know?

What other kinds of
problems could she be having?

Well, you know
everything, don't you?

My daughter is not a
topic of discussion.

She is off the table.

Oh, come on.

Carly's a wonderful girl.

She'll find someone.

Joker.

She'll meet a nice
doctor, you'll see.

Oh my God!

I don't want to talk about this.

Flower.

Well we know she's had
her share of issues but...

Can't you not hear?

I don't want to discuss it.

It's no crime being
single nowadays.

Maybe it should be.

If you're not married
by thirty, go to jail.

That's crazy.

Who would go to jail?

The guys or the girls?

Both.

It would be a new game.

Incarceration Match dot com.

(LAUGHTER)

Is that what you want?

Is that what you want? You
want my Carly to go to jail?

Just joking, sis.

Six dot.

Oh! Mahj!

Look at this.

Oh, yes.

Every time.

(BUBBLY MUSIC)

Could you get me a washcloth?

I was sweating to hell in there.

Let go.

Let go!

We really need to talk.

Okay, this isn't going where
either of us wanted to go.

And there was some chemistry
the other night, wasn't there?

I mean, it wasn't just fucking.

No. I think it
was just fucking.

What the fuck!

It was a kiss.

I'm not playing your game.

One more time and you'll
tell me this is a game.

I know you think I'm a phony.

And maybe I am.

But not completely.

I liked you.

I really did.

Carly, I think you're beautiful.

I just don't think
beautiful women will like me

unless I make things up.

And it wasn't me
that gave you an STD.

It wasn't.

You don't get those
things from toilet seats.

I know.

But maybe it was something else.

Or somebody else.

I'm dying in here.

You've got to cut this part off.

It itches like crazy.

Gotta pee.

Oh my God.

Is that it?

Yeah. A little deeper.

A little lower.

Yeah.

Ahh!

You're almost there.

Almost there.

Oh, fuck it.

Be careful. Be careful.

Oh, you're right there. Aw!

Hold your balls to the side.

Oh!

You're right there.

Yes.

- Yes!
- It's nothing.

Let's go to lunch.

Just like that.

- Wait.
- Oh.

No way. Wait.

Oh, you're right there.

You've done this
before, haven't you?

Ooh, yeah, that's it.

Ow, ow, ow.

I said put your
balls to the side.

Okay.

Oh, right there. Right
there. Right there.

You got it. You got it.

Oh.

Harder. Harder.

Oh that's perfect.

We never had that
kind of fun growing up.

It's nothing.

He has a great HMO.

Carly, what are you
doing with that boy?

What do you mean?

She means he's not a sex toy.

I didn't mean that.

I have no objections
to men as sex toys.

Cindy!

Aunt Cindy, I didn't mean
for you to get involved.

I'm family.

I can't be uninvolved.

What was going on it there?

Nothing's going on.

He had an itch.

You've got to scratch
a man's itch, Laurie.

Lord knows, I've
scratched my share.

What is he thinking?

He's thinking how he can
talk me into cutting him loose.

He kissed me.

Oh?

All bound up like
that, he kissed you?

It's his game.

Don't let that
boy toy with you.

He's not toying with me.

Laurie?

Could you get some
more iced tea?

Sure.

I really fucked up
this time, Aunt Cindy.

Nonsense.

Men are scum.

Even your Uncle Harry, may
he rest in peace, was scum.

I spent tens of thousands
of dollars trying to

look like the the 20 somethings
he was chasing after.

Then the 30 somethings
and 40 somethings.

I was always a decade behind.

So, where did you meet this boy?

At a club.

You never wanna
first meet a man

in the dark with alcohol.

I know it's routine but
it's a recipe for disaster.

Now, I may look old to you
but I am a modern woman.

I look for love online.

But you got to know
how to play the game.

If a guy says he's 50, he's 60.

If he's 60, he's 70.

But you know what they call me?

A Boomer Hottie.

That's right.

Your aunt is still a hottie.

I used to keep just only
condoms and lube in my purse,

but now I keep a little
bottle of these devils

in case some guy wants to
take me over Viagra Falls.

Oh! Aunt Cindy!

What?!

You're disgusted that
an old woman like me

still likes to screw?

Honey, you're gonna
be me one day.

With this luck, who knows
if I'll ever get laid again.

Getting laid is the easy part.

Finding someone you
wanna wake up with

in the morning,
that's the bugger.

You know what?

You need to breath.

To unstress.

Go shopping.

You like shopping.

My sister likes shopping.

I'll keep an eye on things here.

I really don't
want you involved.

Who's involved?

I'm just watching the house.

Go.

Oh, thank God.

Are you Carly's mother?

I'm her aunt.

It doesn't matter.

Look, you got to help me.

You got to cut me out of this.

I think with a heavy
scissors we can...

She's a lovely
girl, don't you think?

I know what you're thinking.

You want to say the c-word.

I would too if I was
all bound up like you.

But from what I understand,

you're not completely
innocent here.

I slept with her.

That is all.

That's all?

That's all!

What the fuck!

You've got to get
me out of here.

Have a drink.

I don't want
anything to drink.

Just help me get out of this.

You look hot.

Have a drink.

Cool down.

Maybe we can work something out.

There.

So now what?

You know, I have never
seen a relationship problem

where the fault
was all one sided.

Well, you're looking at
Mr. Faultless, right now.

How old are you?

I'm 28.

Not 38?

No!

Huh.

I guess men tell the truth about
their age until they're 30.

Okay.

You have to call the
police or something

or you're just as involved.

I don't know about that.

If I was every called
upon to say anything,

I would just tell them

I didn't want to get involved
in the kinky sexcapades

of the younger generation.

This isn't any kinky sex.

I'm being held here
against my will.

What are you doing?

Just checking to see if
the cast covered everything.

You're a baker?

You can tell I'm a baker
just by looking at my crotch?

Carly told me.

I love those chewy fudge
brownies with walnuts.

Do you make those?

What the fuck are
you talking about?

Brownies.

Do you make brownies?

Yes.

Bread pudding?

Yep.

Bread pudding.

Brownies, cakes,
challah, all of it.

Now help me!

Have you every gone on one
of those online dating sites

where you put in all your
personal information?

Yes.

And you go one of those
dates from those sites

and it's like being
on an airplane

and it's taking you
to the wrong city.

You can't get off.

Horrible.

I bet that is how Carly
is feeling right now.

♪ I'm mad

♪ Madly in love ♪

I'm an open minded person.

I'm not very judgmental.

Everybody likes
something different.

But I'm a firm
believer in pleasure

for pleasure's sake.

What are you doing?

♪ I'm so madly in love

Just live in the moment.

The moment?

You don't have to
be modest with me.

We're going to play a game.

You know, pretend.

You patient.

Me nurse.

♪ I'm right in your hands

♪ So lonely

♪ I'm so madly

Jesus!

♪ So take me

♪ I'm madly in love

Carly, I just wanted to let
you know how sorry I am.

Genuinely sorry.

I know I hurt you.

Not that this flimsy
excuse suffices.

I mean what punishment
you've given me is deserved.

Truly deserved.

And I place no limit
on the fault I accept.

No one is to blame for this,

for all of this.

No one but me.

Milo Daily.

(CALM MUSIC)

How was that?

Shallow.

I didn't buy it.

It wasn't a mistake.

We all make mistakes.

Yours was something deeper.

You made a life choice.

Then what?

What can I say?

What gets me out of this?

Maybe you need to grovel more.

"Carly, I am sick.

"I'm repulsive.

"I'm garbage."

I'm repulsive?

I'm garbage?

Abso-fuckin-lutely.

But don't feel bad.

You're not alone.

I have known a world
of cocksuckers.

So?

You liked fucking my niece
but did you like her?

Yeah, I did.

I think she's cute.

I have a puppy that's cute.

Like you're cute.

So maybe a more
romantic apology?

Is that what you're thinking?

"Carly, I know you
don't believe me,

"but I really want
you in my life.

"I love you."

Will the love card ork?

Not like that it won't.

Well, fuck!

I don't know what you the
fuck you want, what she wants.

You and your fuckin' niece
can go meet all your men

on Snatch dot com
or Okay Stupid,

just get me the
fuck out of here.

Oh, sweetheart.

Maybe you need a little more
pain to make a sincere apology.

(FOREBODING MUSIC)

Hey, what do you mean?

What do you mean?!!

(FOREBODING MUSIC)

Hey, I'm not a bad guy!

Any trouble?

No. Not at all.

You remember Detrick?

Actually, I've
never met Detrick.

And is this really
the right time?

I told Detrick.

You told Detrick what?

Oh my god, Cindy!

What are you doing?

We're gone for two hours and
you complicate everything.

You complicate everything.

No, no, no.

It's all right, Mrs. Sagat.

I am on your side
for everything.

He's a terrible man and he
deserves everything he gets.

Oh, don't crinkle
up your forehead.

You are so beautiful.

All the women in this family are
so beautiful.

Your skin so smooth.

How I envy you.

Who are you?

Detrick is the premier
waxer at the Brazilian bar

where Aunt Cindy and I go to.

You flatter me.

You should come by next time
with your daughter and sister.

The first treatment
I do for free.

I will make your vagina and anus

look like new.

New!

Cindy, why did
you invite him here?

That boy Carly has upstairs
has been taking advantage

of women all of his life.

Honey, allow me.

He has no respect for women;

no idea what women go through
in their relationships.

In order to have compassion
you must know the pain.

So I manscaped him.

You did what?

Just a Brazilian.

And an anal bleaching.

I waxed his scrotum,
pubic and anal area

and whitened him wonderfully.

I was as gentle as I always am.

But he was such a child.

Ahh! Ahh! Ahh!

Such a pussy.

Cindy took pictures.

Yes.

We found him like this.

We think he was
trying to escape.

So we thought we should cuff him

so he wouldn't try that again.

I hid my identity.

He was a screamer.

I made him smooth as a baby.

Cheek to cheek and
all dressed up.

He clearly was not into
having a good appearance

and good hygiene down there.

But what do you expect
from somebody like that.

But now, his ass and balls are
more kissable than his face.

But then he had the snow balls.

So we took him
outside to tan a bit.

What?

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

(FOREIGN LANGUAGE)

I'm here, I am ready, my love.

And you are?

(FOREIGN LANGUAGE)

I am so sorry.

She is my fiancee.

That.

I told her she
could come right in.

Thank you so very
much for your help.

No.

Thank you for letting me be a
part of this beautiful crime.

And I hope you don't mind.

I gave him a Prince Albert.

What is a Prince Albert?

(FOREIGN LANGUAGE)

Okay.

Whatever.

It's just something
to please the ladies.

You will love it.

Stop that one!

Don't rush me, all the time!

Isn't it beautiful?

There is someone for everyone.

Oh, I should tell you the
gods were smiling on us today.

Thank god for that ball gag.

Why?

A policeman showed
up while Detrick

was doing his business.

If he would have yelled...

A policeman?!

He wanted to talk
to you but I told him

you weren't here.

So he left.

That's all?

He didn't say more.

I didn't ask more.

Oh my god, a policeman!

He's going to come back!

Fudge! Fudge! Fudge!

Oh, Laurie, just say fuck.

Deep breaths.

Deep breaths.

Did you take your Xanax?

Yes.

Take another.

Look, these things have a way
of working themselves out.

Your mother's the pessimist.

Your father's a
cockeyed optimist.

But you are the pragmatist.

I am not a pessimist.

It's just that we're
all going to jail.

I talked to your father.

He's coming home soon.

He'll help you get
him back upstairs.

And then I think the right
time and idea will come.

What makes you think so?

You fucked up.

But I've fucked up
plenty of times.

And look at me.

I'm not a pessimist.

You don't know when
things are serious.

This is serious.

Keep sharp things
away from your mother.

(CALM MUSIC)

Happy Mardi Gras!

They really messed
you up, huh kid?

Mr. Sagat?

- If you just...
- Shh.

I don't want to hear from you.

I've been listening in
my head to everything

that can be said from
you, from my daughter,

and my wife, and I don't
want to hear anymore.

Nope.

Want something
that's really tasty?

There you go.

Don't spill it.

Don't spill it.

Don't spill it.

Oh, no good.

You spilled it.

You're wasting good booze, dude.

Really good.

This, this is just silliness.

Oh, man!

I like the Dodgers this year.

Yeah, I like the Dodgers.

I like the Dodgers every year
but this year they don't suck.

I got season tickets.

Behind the dug-out.

Yeah! I said...

♪ Take me out to the ballgame

♪ Take me out with the crowd

♪ Buy me some peanuts
and crackerjacks

♪ I don't care if
I never come back

♪ For it's

Root, root, root

♪ For the home team

Stay with me.

♪ If they don't win it's a shame

♪ For it's

♪ One, two, three strikes
you're out at the old ball game

That was great.

That was great.

We're so good with
that together.

You know, that was great.

I've been trying to
think of, you know,

other things besides this.

Like, you know, baseball.

I know what you're thinking.

I know you're thinking what's
the answer to all this.

Gee, golly, whiz,
what's the answer?

I've got the ultimate answer.

It's the biological imperative.

If you ever have kids of
your own, you'll know.

You're always gonna love
blood, no matter what.

No matter what they do.

No matter what they become.

Why do you look so
pissed off at me?

Why do you, what the
fuck did I do to you?

Huh?

Man, I caught a tooth.

(LAUGHS)

That's all the pain
I'm gonna cause you

for now.

Hey, good talk.

(BRIGHT BUBBLY MUSIC)

Yeah.

Good talk.

(FIRE CRACKLING)

- Hey baby.
- Dad!

These are your best friends.

They care about you.

Let them help.

Dad, isn't it enough
that I'm already

in a shitload of trouble?

I didn't want anybody
else involved.

It's not your fault.

He's a scumbag.

It was an accident.

Look, she shouldn't have
to have her life ruined

because the guy's
allergic to shit.

We're going to
fix this together.

Your mother is not coping
well with this, Princess.

I'm more worried
about her right now

than I am about you.

I'm gonna take her
away for a bit.

But I am going to work this out.

I promise.

What are you gonna do?

I have no idea.

Did you ever think about just

killing the son of a bitch?

Yeah, that was my Mom's idea.

Your Mom's so fucking cool.

But she's crazy.

Yeah, but she's
so fucking cool.

Your driver's license fell
out of your pant's pocket.

Your name is Milo
Daily, not Steve.

Okay, I lied.

But I just wanted
you to like me.

You gave me an STD.

- It wasn't me.
- It was you.

Come on. Come on.

Can't we just start all over?

You and me.

The real me.

Okay.

We'll forget this ever happened.

We'll start over.

I don't get it,
you fucked him?!

Oh, it's as if you've
made perfect choices.

I don't know.

He's not that bad looking

and according to your
text you sent me...

Shh, shut up.

We'll just say you had
some nice things to say.

Well, you think things
are gonna work out?

Whatdaya want to do with him?

Carly?

I got it, Carly.

You could get your
hands on a pacemaker.

And we'll modify it
with some explosives

and stick it inside his chest

so that when he
goes to the police.

Boom!

You know what? Fuck it.

I don't need to hide
from this bastard.

I'm not afraid of him.

Carly, I want
to say, I'm sorry.

I'm very sorry.

I'm genuinely, genuinely
sorry for everything...

You're sorry.

So, sorry.

Where did you find these two?

The girl with the snake
tattoo and Goldilocks?

What, do you got the
three bears coming later?

This is not a snake.

It's a serpent.

And what makes you think
there's gonna be a later?

Why are guys like this
always such assholes?

What do you mean
guys like this?

Guys who have been
drugged, stabbed, pierced,

kidnapped, all
trussed up in a cast?

Not to mention...

Guys that put on airs to
get laid and then disappear.

I didn't disappear.

Carly, I didn't disappear.

Okay, I go out with a girl.

You know and if it works
out, I go out again.

And sometimes something happens.

Or someone, and you move on.

I mean, that's not a sin.

That's life.

Oh my God, I've got it.

We pour whiskey down his throat,

get him shit faced drunk,

and then throw him unconscious
into the street somewhere.

By the time the cops find
him and he sobers up,

they're not going to
believe his crazy story.

That's actually a great idea.

Think about it.

If he shows 'em
the cast abrasions,

his pierced dick and the
needle puncture to his heart,

they might believe him.

Really? Now you're gonna
start thinking clearly?

Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!

Tammy!

I could fucking kill
this cocksucker myself!

Calm down. Get down.

Come on, Blondy?

Any more brilliant
ideas or are you just

gonna keep flashing
me your cooz all day?

Fucking let me
punch him in the face!

Why is she such a cunt!?

Okay.

Here we go, ladies.

Thank you.

Say cheese!

Hilary?

Carly, come on,
I know I fucked up.

But don't let these
friends of yours

talk you into doing
something crazy.

Something crazier than
you've already done.

(SOFT MUSIC)

Don't get any ideas.

That was just a token to
say, I'm really sorry.

Carly.

(SENSUAL MUSIC)

Come girls, think
about what you're doing.

I'm a human being,
I make mistakes.

We all make mistakes.

Don't do something you're
gonna feel sorry for.

He's not going to fit.

- I will make him fit.
- Put that down!

Carly, tell her
to put that down.

Don't bother, that won't work.

Thank you.

What the fuck?!

When did this become
a horror movie?!

Will you shut up!

Don't be such a pussy!

Allow me.

Don't allow her.

Carly, don't plug it in.

I'm plugging it in.

(CHAINSAW BUZZING)

(UPBEAT COUNTRY MUSIC)

She's sorry.

It was an accident.

Well, if he
wouldn't have moved...

All right, let's
get him in the car.

(UPBEAT COUNTRY MUSIC)

(HUMMING)

(SCREAMS)

Fuck!

You know I know what's going on.

The police are looking for me.

Someone came to the
house, didn't they?

I told you this would
end badly for you.

You know, if you
girls let me go now,

we can put all of
this behind us.

What, you're just
gonna not say anything?

I just want this
nightmare to end.

The police are
not looking for you.

Nobody is looking for you.

You're a missing person.

Like a million other
missing persons.

Tammy, don't rile him up.

There's no point in that.

We'll stop and get
something to eat

and then we'll keep going.

(UPBEAT COUNTRY MUSIC)

VOICEOVER: So
that's a Freedom Burger

and a coke.

Yeah, go ahead.

Say something.

VOICEOVER: Next
window please.

(UPBEAT COUNTRY MUSIC)

I don't like pickles.

You should have spoken up.

I didn't want to get
castrated over pickles.

You girls didn't get anything?

I don't eat flesh.

I don't eat nasty,
artery clogging junk food.

Oh, the princesses
don't eat junk food.

What makes you think I
wanted to eat this shit?

Because you're eating it.

I'm your prisoner.

I really don't have
a choice, do I?

What do you girls do?

Are you nurses too?

You don't need to
know anything about us

except we don't like people
who fuck over our friends.

That's bullshit!

The other night she
liked it just fine.

You're so full of it.

You know what
I've always noticed

about guys with big egos
and little dicks is that

it makes faking
it so much easier.

She wasn't faking it.

Oh really?

Did she sound something
kinda like this?

(MOANING)

Kind of like that?

(MOANING)

(HOWLING)
(MOANING)

You girls think that's
what guys like to hear?

You fucking sound constipated.

Shut up!

You know if you
drive over state lines,

that's a federal offense.

Idiot.

Kidnapping is already
a federal offense.

And how long do you
think it will take

for the Feds to find you guys?

The warrior princess

and legally blond whose carpet
doesn't match the drapes.

Throw him out of the
car right fucking now!

Okay, okay, okay.

We are almost there.

Where?

To a landfill.

We're going to bury you
up to your neck in shit

where you will fit right in.

(DRAMATIC MUSIC)
(SCREAMING)

What the fuck, you
almost killed us.

Hey, I'm not gonna
just let you kill me.

Tammy, don't.

What the fuck do you care?!

It's not just him.

I fucked up too.

Oh, God.

Okay, just get out of the car.

I'm gonna drive.

Evening ladies.

♪ Lord lift me up

♪ I've strayed far enough

♪ Gather my soul with love

♪ To make me whole

♪ Lord lift me up

♪ Grant me freedom ♪

Who are you?

♪ Freedom at last ♪

You're the Nana?

Of course, you're the Nana.

Where are the girls?

Now, I don't know
what Carly told you

but this is the truth.

All we did was go out
on a date, that's all.

Okay?

And even though we
fucked... I'm sorry.

That was a little
vulgar, I know.

But you know what, screw it!

Screw it!

I had no intentions.

We had a good time.

We went back to her place.

I didn't think we'd screw.

You know, I thought I'd
get like a blow job or...

Sorry, I didn't...

Look, your granddaughter thinks

I gave her some disease
like syphilis or something.

I'm not even sure you
can still get syphilis.

But it wasn't me.

And I wish I could...

Listen, I know you don't
want to hear anything

bad about your
granddaughter but Carly's...

You have got to let me go.

Where did you get that, Nana?

Why don't you put that down?

Okay, the whole poor burglar

getting shot by
the grandma thing,

it ain't gonna work
this time, okay?

So why don't you
just put that down

and I'm gonna go?
(GUNSHOT)

You're fucking crazy.

Nana, what are you doing?

Give me the gun.

She doesn't even talk.

She just shoots.

Give me the gun.

(DRAMATIC MUSIC)

(GUNSHOT)

Nana!

Yes, this is 363 Carob.

There's been a shooting.

Please send an ambulance.

It was an accident.

My grandmother.

Yeah, there's no pulse.

Yes, 363 Carob.

It's a house.

Nana, come on!

Why don't you
shoot me too, okay?

I don't care, just
fucking shoot me!

It wasn't my fault.

You win, okay?

You can fucking put me in jail.

I don't care.

Just put the gun down and
get the fuck out of here.

(DRAMATIC MUSIC)

You've gotta be
fucking kidding me.

Mom, Dad, it didn't work.

(TASER SOUND)

Tammy, that's not
part of the plan.

(TASER SOUND)

Everybody calm down.

I'm sorry.

I told you I needed
more rehearsal.

It's all right, Nana.

Are we still
going to breakfast?

We'll talk about
that later, Mom.

I told you this wouldn't work.

It was a good idea.

We'll just have to work
something else out.

What the fuck is there
to work out, you're crazy.

Even the old bitch is crazy.

Shut up!

No one calls my mother
a bitch, you asshole.

Hey, hey, hey, wait a minute!

Shut up!

Laurie, how'd you get that?

I hid it.

You hide everything
in the same place,

your underwear drawer.

Let me shoot him.

Mom, don't shoot him.

Just fucking shoot him.

Put it away.

Let's just tie him up again.

Nobody's tying me up.

Tell me that's another fake gun.

Shut up!

They'll never find
him in the desert.

Tammy, shut up.

We don't have any duct tape.

I got scotch tape.

Carly, tell me that's
another fake gun.

- Mom, give him the gun.
- Give me the gun.

(GUNSHOT)

(DRAMATIC MUSIC)

(GUNSHOTS)

I'm sorry.

(SOFT MUSIC)

Well, that escalated quickly.

Definitely the worst
date I ever had.

Shit, I'm starving.

And I'm sure my car got towed.

Now I gotta change my
online dating profile.

Seeking someone smart and
sexy but not bat shit crazy.

Probably a good idea not
to lie anymore though.

Anybody asks me I'm just
gonna say right up front,

"Yep, it was me.

"I shot 'em all."

Actually, that's pretty macho.

Women do love macho and nuts.

(POLICE SIRENS WAILING)

Here they come.

What do I say?

The truth?

Fuck!

The truth just seems like a lie.

Maybe I'll just start
with the truth tomorrow.

(UPBEAT MUSIC)

Go for Josh.

Hey, Bro, it's Milo.

Milo, what the fuck, man.

We've been worried sick.

We've been trying to
call you for days.

Mom and Dad have the
police out looking for you.

Speaking of which, now's
not a very good time.

Hey, quick question.

Did you date a girl
named Carly Sagat?

About two years ago.

Brunette.

Cute laugh.

Yeah, yeah!

I remember her.

I mean it's not a
date if you're just

fucking though, right?

Anyway, I think that
girl gave me an STD.

Why?

Don't worry about it.

(CALM MUSIC)