It's Love I'm After (1937) - full transcript

It's Love I'm After

Los Angeles
(New Year's Eve)

Oh, my love, my wife,

death has sucked the honey
of thy breath

but had had no power yet
upon thy beauty.

Thou art not conquered.

Beauty's ensign yet is crimson
in thy lips and in thy cheeks

and death's pale flag
is not advanced there.

Ah, dear Juliet,

Why art thou yet so fair?

Shall I believe
That unsubstantial death is amorous



and that the lean
abhorred monster

keeps thee here in dark
to be his paramour?

For fear of that,
I still will stay with thee

and never from this palace
of dim night,

depart again.

Here, here will I remain

with worms,
that are thy chambermaids.

Oh, here
will I set up my everlasting rest,

and shake the yoke
of inauspicious stars

from this world-wearied flesh ...

Isn't it wonderful!
Shakespeare is so elevating.

Go back to sleep,
and don't snore.

You're disgusting,
even if you are my brother.

Arms, take your last embrace



and lips,

O ye the doors
of breath,

Seal with a righteous kiss

A dateless bargain
to engrossing death!

Your Juliet is here, my pet,
not up there in the box.

Your beautiful hen!

There they go again!

Come, bitter conduct

come, unsavory guide

Thou desperate pilot!

now at once run on
the dashing rocks
thy seasick weary bark.

Here's to my love.

O, true apothecary!
Thy drugs are quick.

Thus with a kiss ...

I die ...

I wish there were
cyanide in it.

Romeo! Alack, alack
What blood is this which stains

the stony entrance
to the sepulcher?

What mean these masterless
and gory swords

to lie discolored
by this place of peace?

Romeo! Oh, pale!

Who else?

What? Paris, too?

and steeped in blood?

Ah, what an unkind hour
Is guilty of this lamentable chance!

The lady stirs.

Oh, comfortable friar!

Where is my lord?

It's not over yet..

Well, it's over for me.

Where are you going?

I don't know.
Meet me out
in front of the theater.

Where are you, Marcia?

Go, get thee hence.

I will not away.

Take your hand away
from my face. They can't see me.

Take it away from me!
They can't see my face!

How sad!

How is it that two people in love
can be so mean to each other?

I'd better get the manager.
This promises to be a rouser.

Oh, churl,

drunk all, and left no friendly drop
to help me after?

I will kiss thy lips.

Onions again!

Haply some poison yet
doth hang on them,

Worse than onions, garlic!

I'll attend to you later, you swine!

Lead boy ... Which way?

Noises!

Then I'll be brief.

Oh, happy dagger!

This is thy sheath;

there rust,

and let me die.

Well, four tons of
gentle Juliet.

If you dare pinch me
again I'll...

Children!

Call the star.

He began it. And I have
a horrible bruise to prove it.

Basil, take your bows. Listen!

Poor deluded man!
He thinks that's for him.

Now you! Hurry!

Before they forget you, dear.

If you could read my mind,
you'd shiver.

Just what is
the matter with me?

There's nothing's the matter with you.

That's what is the matter with you.

Nothing's the matter with him.
That's what's the matter with him.

You have everything
a girl should want in dozen.

If I were 20 years younger
and knew what I know now,

I would do so
different.

There's nothing the matter with him.

That's what is the matter with him.

But there's something the matter
with all of us.

Really magnificent night, sir.

Thank you. Do you think the bard
would have been pleased?

He'd rattle his shin bones in glee, sir!

The balcony scene,
if I may so, superb!

But soft!

what light through yonder window breaks?
It is the east, and Juliet is the sun.

"Ah, me?

"Speak again bright angel,
for thou art
As glorious to this night,

"being o'er my head..
- Oh no, no!

"As a winged messenger
of heaven. "

I bow to the master, sir.
Magnificent!

Our inflection, our timing,
our tone quality, sir ...

Our brandy and soda,
if you don't mind.

Oh, yes, I beg your pardon!

Who do you want to see?

I want to see you
and it's very confidential.

Could you tell me
where Mr. Underwood's
dressing room is?

- Why?
- Because ...

- First door on the left.
- Thank you.

Madeleine, I can't understand
why a man I'm so crazy about

takes such a fiendish delight
in tormenting me?

The men are undependable, Miss.

How do you know?

Just take a look at me!

-I don't think he really means it.
- No!

In a minute
he'll be tapping at that wall
and begging my forgiveness.

I will make him suffer
just a little bit.

Then I'll forgive him.

and everything will be
all right again.

Hello, how is my dear
little garlic blossom?

I can't stand it anymore.

I' m through.
You hear me? I'm through!

How modest of you
to admit that, sweetheart!

I mean with you!
This is the end, forever!

I 'll never do another play
with you again
as long as I live!

Come in!

If you change your mind,
my love, the next part I play
I'll wear a gas mask.

Anything you can use to cover
your face will be an improvement!

That is only one woman's opinion.

Well, I guess, that stopped him!

I had to come.

Who are you?

I'm nobody.

No, this is against my rules.

You are my Ideal.

Won't you sit down?

- I suppose you want my autograph? - No.

My photograph?

- No!
- What then?

I just came to tell you that

I love you.

You're conceited, overbearing and utterly hateful.

I know that means
nothing to you, but ...

A loose-living bastard!

All that ... means a great deal to me

is that when I felt this way
I had the courage
to tell you.

I think that everyone
should act the way they feel.
Don't you?

Yes, I do, yes.

Of course a lot of people think
I am crazy. Do you?

No, a little strange, perhaps.

Any filly who goes by
will have you run after her.

Just rehearsing a new part.

I'm not really crazy,
I'm just honest.

That's why I came backstage
tonight to see you.

I thought perhaps that...

someday, when you 're
old and forgotten ...

What? Me forgotten?

When you feel that awful loneliness,

that comes to those who've been adored
and now forgotten

then, perhaps,

you'll remember tonight

and be grateful to me.

And now I've got to go.

Wait a minute!

You can't go without
telling me who you are!

I am all the women you've played to.

Ofelia going mad with unrequited love.

Lady Macbeth murdering for you.
Desdemona ...

I strangled her.

- Oh I didn't mind much. - Didn't you?

After all,
it was for love.

Tonight, when Romeo died
I wept.

Has that tongue of yours
finally fallen out of your mouth?

She's a very good actress,
isn't she!

Incredible.

Tell me something,

Did you weep for Romeo ...
or was it for me?

I don't know.

Every time you've played,
I've been out front
worshiping you ...

I felt you were there.

I don't know
what I've been worshiping ...

He doesn't answer now, Miss.

I know why.

Because he's too ashamed.

Poor boy!

I can just see him sitting in there
by himself and repenting

and too proud
to come in here.

He does love me, doesn't he?

Of course, he does!

And I love him, too!

It's a New Year's Eve
and it's a shame
to spoil it with a row.

I think I'll swallow my pride
and go in to him.

Isn't it strange?
I always felt you were there,

and yet I never saw you
until tonight, in that box.

And you'll never see me again.

Goodbye.

Wait!

Thank you so much.

Who's the young lady, sir?

There was no young lady.

What, sir?

Merely a lovely rave
who appeared from nowhere

and disappeared into nowhere.

And completely daffy.

What was that little twit here just now?

That "little twit" is doing
a school paper on Shakespeare.

She came here to do some
purely academic research.

I'm sure you raised it
for her very well, Professor...

Darling, have you ever heard
of the green-eyed monster?

Call you eager maniac
and that's to think
that I could be jealous of you?

From head to foot I'm one
quivering mass of loathing.

I shall never
speak to you again!

You come crawling on my doorstep-
I shall be out.

Definitely out.
If I am ever introduced to you,

I shall forget my breeding
long enough
to spit in your eye.

I won't even marry you!
What do you think of that?

When you leave the theater this evening,

a distasteful blotch
you will see to the left
of the stage-door

will be all that is left
of our ex-doorman.

Where is Marcia?

You're her father,
you ought to know.

There she is.
I'll get her.

Marcia, where have you been?
We've been waiting for you.

You wouldn't like to know, Henry.

Do you dream of that unfortunate actor?

I will not say anything, Henry.

Aren't you forgetting
you are engaged to me?

You really should start by
being introduced to me some time.

As the years roll on,
you'll discover that I am
the sort of person

who likes to act
the way she feels.

Well, why don't you follow him
in one of his tours?

That's not a bad idea!

Don't fight, children,
at least until after
you're happily married!

What are they fighting about?

Enjoy, and I don't think
I will come to the house party.

Happy New Year, Henry.

No one ever pays any attention
to anything I say.

Come on, Higgins.

We can't go without Henry.
Henry, climb in here.

- Happy New Year! - Henry!

What have I done
that she should be
so unreasonable?

Nothing.

Practically nothing, sir.

That woman will never know
how much I love her.

Juliet, this is your Romeo.

She does not love me anymore.

I wonder why.

Women are changeable creatures, sir.

That's the way it is with me ...

Ten minutes before
what is jestingly known

as a Happy New Year.

Down in the street below,
a great carnival of people,

happy together
and yet here,

a man,

miserably alone.

I am here, sir.

You're always here, Diggs.

Thank you, sir.

- D'you know what this is, Diggs?
- No, sir, what?

The last scene
of The Outcast.

Don't you remember, Diggs?
I'm alone.

Starving in a garret.

The Christmas carols come ringing
from the belfry
of the church next door.

Hardly that, sir.

It was Christmas, and the garret,
and you were a fugitive from justice.

Mere details. The essential is the same.

What was that line?
A marvelous line!

What ill-omen star

"What ill-omen star shone
the night of my conception?

"What flaw was
in the potter's clay

that doomed me to be different from other men?

"Why was I born
in the crowded world,

"To die alone

"And forgotten?

"Why is it
no one loves me?"

- But I love you, sir.
- Don't confuse the issue.

Am I really
such a bad fellow as she thinks?

Oh please, sir!
Don't let's go into that now!

There's loyalty for you!

And from you, Diggs,
my faithful dresser,

And I pulled you out of that
ridiculous bird act

in which you were trying
to kill vaudeville.

Remember my oriole, sir?

Don't change the subject.

Some people thought
I was at my best as a canary.

Take this.
Set down the score.
-Yes, sir.

To show you that there aren't
enough hairs in my head

to number the good deeds
I've done this past year.

You mean "MY" head, sir?

Don't be facetious.
First of all I want 100 points
for that benefit performance I played

and 100 points for the critic
I did not punch in the nose.

And we get at least 200 for Philadelphia.

The alderman's wife.

You can't count that.
She did not complain.

The alderman did, yes.

Have it your own way:
Philadelphia - 20.

Sorry.
Philadelphia: - 200.

And all that money
I sent my poor old uncle last year?

Canceled by your conduct
in Denver, sir.

The little darling
with the red hair and the green eyes?

What could I do, Diggs?

The little woman puss had
a very definite suggestion, sir.

Imagine escaping from Denver
in a beard!

Dallas, and Houston
and New Orleans,

our Southern swing.

I'm afraid, we add up
a bit of a bad odor, sir!

Yes, I'm afraid we do,

what a thing for a man
to wake up and realize

"Basil Underwood, you're a skunk."

Don't take it to heart, sir.

Don't defend me, Diggs.
After all, what am I?

Just the greatest actor
in the world.

Yes, but there is hope, sir,
even for us.

What hope?

This is the season for making resolutions
and turning over new leafs, sir.

I'll have to turn over
a whole public library!

You would do it,
if you try, sir.

I could, couldn't I Diggs?
And I will.

I'm gonna tell
Miss Joyce about it.
- Good.

Joyce darling, please
open the door.

I'm going to show you
a new side of me.

I've seen every side of you.
And I'm not interested in any of them.

- Did you hear that, Diggs?
- Yes, sir.

What is that?

Furniture, sir,

A barricade!

Where of a utter brutality
give me a woman!

Open that door, you wretch!

Open it!

Pound on this door!

- What are you up to?
- Never mind, just pound.

Don't tap, pound!

I'm going to open this door
if I have to pound all night!

Keep on pounding.

Keep right on knocking.
You will see how much good
it will do you!

What a beast!

I cannot do this kind of thing!

Knock your knuckles raw!

You'll never get in here again
as long as I live!

Beast!

Good evening.

How did you get in here?

Through the window.

You'll oblige me
by leaving the same way.

And I hope you trip on the sill.

Look at that furniture!

I put them here
to keep the animals out.

You can't break in here like a burglar
and start popping my furniture around!

You didn't think
I came in here
just to see you.

- Ridiculous ass!
- But I won't be kept out by fox.

Pompous bull!

We're wallowing in the barnyard.

A Louis XIV chair!

Let Louis XIV have it!

I'll call the manager!
- I don't need any!

I'll call the police!

They'll know exactly
what to do with you.

I'll get the fire department!

-Why not ring for the Marines?
-Oh, you beast!

I don't care...

Now will you relax!

All right. That'll be all.
Thanks, Diggs.

A pretty display, I must say.

If you want to throw
anything at me again, I'll ...

And I will, too.

Happy New Year!

-Joyce!
What?

Sweetheart.

Darling.

Dearest darling.

Sweetheart.

I can't bear it.
I forgive you.

I forgive you too.

Do you really love me so much?

You are my heart and my soul.

You're all women in one
and the one woman.

I know that's the first
act of The Lovers.

But darling,

darling, say it again.

You say something nice to me.

Dearest, I think you're the lowest thing
that ever crawled,

but as long as I can reach out
and get my hands on you,

no other man will ever touch me.
- Thank you.

Your husband!

Sorry, force of habit ...

Oh, it's Diggs!

Happy New Year!

Thank you and
many of them to you both!

Thank you.
My husband.

That's an idea,
it's an inspiration!
We'll do it!

- What?
-Get married.

- Tonight!
- But marriage is such
a serious step, darling.

No! We'll drive now
to one of those
cash-and carry places.

I'm not a man who can dilly-dally.

This is something
a girl should think about and plan for.

Darling, you know perfectly well
if we ever think about it,
we'll never do it!

I don't suppose
I could be any more miserable
married to you

than the way I am.
You don't know me.
I'm a changed man.

I'll tell you all about it later.

You hear that, Diggs?
We're going to be married!

What, again, sir?

What do you mean 'again'?
We haven't been married before!

I mean planning again, sir.
At least a dozen times this past year.

I resent the implications
that exhibit our own minds.

It's just that you approached
the precipice so often, sir ...

I resent that 'precipice', Diggs.

I'm sorry, Miss, no offense intended,
it was purely a figure of speech.

I forgive you, but next time
don't think of me
as a piece of landscape.

Then you approve, Diggs?

I think you richly deserve each other, sir.
Here is to our wedding!

To our wedding!

Someone is at our door.
See who it is.

Do you think that wise?
Remember the last time.

It's probably some friend
come to share our New Year's cheer.

Or some girl
to do an academic research.

That's a wonder you consent to marry
someone you think so nastily about!

Oh darling, don't be offended!

You can't help the kind of character you are!

I can and I will.
I'll tell you all about
on the way to the minister.

He is a man, sir.

The Day of Miracles
is not over.

Change your dress, dear,
I'll soon get rid of him.

Basil, are we really serious this time?

Nothing can stop us.

Clean up your room, dear. It looks like the devil.

This is the gentleman, sir.

I thought it was someone I knew.
What can I do for you?

I'm Henry Grant. - Henry Gr...

There must be some mistake.
I know him very well,
he is an older man.

'm Henry Grant, junior.

Oh, you're young Henry?

I'm glad to meet you.
How are you?

All right, I guess.

Henry's son! Take your things off.
Come on in! Sit down
and have a drink!

I won't sit down and I don't want a drink.

What is that matter with you, my boy?

You look like the second grave-digger.

You're in a jam in the market?

I know exactly
what that feels like.

I would have jumped off the Brooklyn Bridge
in '29 if your father hadn't saved my neck.

I'd be glad to help you out.
How much have you lost?

A 104 lbs.

- English money?
- No, my girl.

Very funny.
You hear that, Diggs?

Very cleverly put, sir.

I'm sorry to hear that, Henry.

How did that happen
to a nice-looking fellow like you?

I was out of town, and
she fell in love with ...

You mean to tell me
that while your back was turned,
someone stole your girl?

- Well, of all the scurvy ticks.
Who is the rat?
- You.

Me?

Minus 200 points, sir.

- I ought to punch you in the nose!
- No, don't do anything like that ...

Because if you did
I'd have to punch you in the nose
and there would be a horrible mess.

Besides, you'll be accusing
an innocent man.

At least, I think you would.

Does she have red hair
and live in Denver? - No.

Is she a big blonde
from New Orleans named Gertrude?
- No.

Was she married to an alderman
in Philadelphia?

Certainly not!

I wonder who he
has in mind, Diggs.

Her name is Marcia West.

Do we know anyone
named Marcia West?

Not unless you have been
cheating on me, sir.

Here you are, Henry.
We don't even know your girl.

I did not say you knew each other,
I said she was in love with you.

Well, that's not my fault, is it?

Of course, you know what this is, Diggs?

No, sir. What is it?

It's "The Loving Triangle" all over again.

Of course, sir. There it is.

What is "The Loving Triangle"?

It is a play.

Henry, in the first act
I meet a girl.

I don't know who she is
or where she comes from,
but like that we are in love.

It's Venice. I'll never forget
that gondola scene ...

What was that line, Diggs?
Don't tell me,

Tell me. "Time was created ...

"to make this moment ...
for us".

"Kiss me!"

What a curtain!

Are you two gentlemen nuts?

In the second act, I'm at home.
I have a long scene with my friends.

Buddies, you know,
we were in the war together ...

"You saved my life.
All I ask you
is a chance to repay you".

I did not come up here
to see you act.

He tells me about his
wonderful sweetheart.

She walks in ...
You'll never guess who she is!
Who?

The girl of Venice.

"Oh David!
Fancy meeting you here! "

What a moment!
I stare at her.

I just stare at her.

There we are, Henry,
in the same situation!

What's all this got
to do with Marcia and me?

Wait! In the third act,
I sacrifice myself.

It's friendship or love,
and I choose friendship.

I deliberately set out
to disillusion this girl.

I'm a cad, I mistreat her.

I insult her family and friends.

So what does she do?
She chooses second best,
marries my friend

And they are happy ever after.

And I am left with a broken heart ...

and the universal acclaim
of the critics.

And I've got the press
to prove it!

Interesting, eh, Henry? Take this, Diggs.

Get my coat.
We've got to be going.

You know,
it might work at that.

- What might?
- What you've been telling me.

You're not proposing to make
a practical application of this story
I've just told you!

Why not?

A million reasons why not.

I'm on tour.
I've got to be
in San Francisco on Monday .

But this weekend,
I could drive you down to her place

and you could do
what you did in "The loving Triangle".

My art's for the stage.
I don't go running around
giving benefit performances.

But suppose, if I were
to offer to pay you?

Henry, don't you say things like that!

I'm beastly sorry, old boy.
Really I am.

I realize that men in my position
live by the flutters they raise

in the hearts of silly little girls

who fall in love
with the parts we play ...

and we lap up the adulation.

We don't stop to think
that we might be making a mess
of some perfectly happy lives.

Well, you're making a mess of mine all right.
You'd better do something about it right now.

Henry, I'd give my
right arm to help you,

but tonight, I've got an engagement
that's too important!

An engagement!

When the market crash caught you
did my father say to you:

Basil, old man,
"I'd give my right arm to help you,
but I've got an engagement"?

- No, he didn't.
- Why can't you put your date off?

- I had put it off in the past and...
- Don't do it, sir.

No, Henry, I can't.
And it's final.

Haven't you one spark
of unselfishness in you?

What's that?

Don't you ever do a thing
because it's a decent thing to do?

Decent thing to do ...

I'm beginning to see something.

Don't you ever do
a thing that's generous,
if only to keep your self-respect?

I can go down tonight
and be back
first thing in the morning.

The 200 points waiting for you
if you don't.

Pack the bags Diggs.

- Sir, I beg of you.
- Don't argue with me. Just pack!

This is where I
turn over that new leaf.

I knew, we should never have
started that game, sir.

I'll never be able to forget you for this.

Don't be an egotist, Henry.

I'm not doing this for you.
I'm doing it for myself.

You only come second.
Of course, you wouldn't
understand that.

If you're doing it for yourself
perhaps you wouldn't mind promising
not to tell her anything about this.

- Of course I won't.
You see, as far as she is concerned
we haven't even met.

Otherwise, she'd be suspicious.

Henry, don't give it another thought.

You're a saved man.

From now on I doff
the mantle of a Romeo
and assume the role of a cad.

You don't know
how much I appreciate this.

I'll wait downstairs
in the lobby for you
and drive you over. - Right!

Oh, sir! I have
the greatest misgivings
about all this, sir.

Nonsense, Diggs. This is
a golden opportunity.

It will be my moral salvation!

I want 500 points for this, Diggs.

When I think of poor
Miss Joyce in there
unsuspectingly getting ready ...

Will she love me for it!

I hope you can make her
see it in that light, sir.

What chance of happiness
have we got, if she
goes through life

thinking me man
without principle or character?

Couldn't you marry her first, sir,
and remonstrate your
reformation afterwards?

No, Diggs. I am determined
to come to her a cleansed man.

I will not have
the woman I love, married ...

to what you somewhat
indelicately referred to
as a "bad odor".

Basil, darling ... I'm ready!

Are we going to tell her, sir?

Well, the arrangement might be
a little difficult to understand

- from the feminine point of view.
- Exactly, sir.

I think in that case, I...

will sprig it
as a happy surprise.

I hope so, sir.

There you are, dear!

Here I am, darling.

Yes so you are, sweetheart.

The funniest thing, Basil, I...

I actually believe,
that I'm trembling
with excitement.

That's so nice, isn't it!

- Now Joyce...
Will you, darling? - Yes, yes.

It's the silliest thing...
I feel just like a schoolgirl.

- Joyce. - Yes, dear.
- We put this thing off ...

We were so silly, dear ...!

but that didn't make any difference.
I mean we went right on
loving each other.

Dearest, do you plan
to stand me up again?

No, certainly not, dear.
No-no.

Because tomorrow is
just as good a day, isn't it?

Basil, are you standing me up again?

No, don't get excited. You know
what it does to you ...

You thing!
You are not trouble!

Joyce, remember your glands.

If it had not been hypnotized,
I'd have known
you'd do this to me again.

You see, I've got to do
a favor for a friend.

Because I'm really doing it ...

We've got to help a friend, don't you?

Later.

Is that the same friend you
spent the night with in Chicago?

Darling, we'll be married tomorrow,
I swear.

Not to me. You won't.
Not tomorrow!

When you learn
what I've done
you'll love me all the more.

Did we fix it, sir?

Like that, Diggs.

Yes, we certainly
did fix it, sir.

Well, here we are.

I hope to heaven this thing works, Basil.
I don't know what I'll do
if it doesn't..

Don't you worry, my boy.
It's as good as
in your arms right now.

Thanks, good-bye.
Good luck.

Well, Diggs, the stage is set.
You know what to do?

I think so, sir, but
I don't like the idea.

Never mind what you like.
We are going to assail them
like pestilence in the night.

Play up to me, Diggs.

Do you mean I have
to be a pestilence, too, sir?

The perfect type for the part.

Nobody seems to be stirring, sir.

Let's encourage them.

Hello! Open up!

She propped it
just right in our ears.
We'll be back with Joyce in an hour.

I hope so, sir.

Look, sir!

What strange apparition
is coming towards us, Diggs?

Something is heard, sir.

Come on! Open up!

- Who are you?
- Opportunity.

- I want in. - I'm very sorry, Mr Tunity.
But everyone's in bed.

What? No one
to welcome me?

You hear that, Diggs?

Frightful, sir.

Do you know who I am,
my poor friend?

- I understood that...
- This is Mr. Basil Underwood!
Aren't we, sir?

Please! Everyone
is asleep.

Are you one of the
weekend guests, sir?

I'm THE weekend guest!

Nobody goes over to bed when
Basil Underwood is coming!

Come on, Diggs.
Get them up!

- Get them up!
- I dare not do that, sir.

You won't - I will!

Give me light!

Do you expect Basil Underwood
to make an entrance in the dark?

I thank you.

Flowers without odor!

Wretched dump, eh Diggs?

Quite right, sir, yes, sir.
Wretched as you say.

Reminds me, sir, very much
the Grand Central Station.

It is the Grand Central Station!

"Train platform 6
for Woggleoop bound,

"Blubalub Dillamuch

"And Umpville and West, platform 6."

Basil Underwood is here!

- How am I doing?
- Fair to middling, sir.
- Get up!

Underwood is here!

Lord, I ask please!

Not so loud.
You'll wake everybody up!

You look like a sensible man.

Mr. West will be very very angry.

What do you think I am?
My ire is consuming me.

- Your what, sir?
- My ire.

Ire, ire, ire!
- It's a fire!

Ire! Ire! Ire is consuming him!

Is there nothing
I can do to stop you?

We are here!

I know.
But why?

We're here because
we're here because ...!

Angels and ministers of grace,
defend us!

Diggs, you seen that girl?
- Yes, sir.

- Don't you remember her?
- No, sir.

Of course you do.
She is the girl who came
to see me tonight in my dressing room.

The lovely rave
who appeared from nowhere.

And she is here,
here in this very house.

That girl?
Remember your resolution, sir.

Why! That would be Henry's girl.

Can you see anything burning, sir?

This isn't a fire at all,
it's Basil Underwood!

Who? Basil who?
Well, I'll be... Of all the...

It's that actor!

- Say something to him, William.
- Go out!

Go on! We don't want you here!

Roger, James, Chester, somebody!
Do something!

Boo! Skip! Get out!

- You hear that, Diggs?
- Distinctly, sir.

- I'll get the bags.
- Just a moment.

Would you mind repeating that?

With pleasure.
Get out of this house!

- Are you an actor, sir?
- Who, me?

Because if you are not,
it's a great loss to the stage!

Never in all my years in the theater
have I heard a line
given with such feeling!

Almost convinced me that you meant it.

Well, ... I did mean it!

He did mean it!

What did you mean by
inviting me to a weekend
and then going to bed?

I invited you before going to bed?
You're crazy!

But someone invited me.

Someone invited him.
Isn't it lovely!

Who did it?
Did you? Did you?

You invited yourself.

Now I remember!
It was a Miss Marcia West.

- Marcia!
Coming, Daddy!

I think this is our
exit march, sir!

Come here.

Did you invite this man here?
Why!

Why, yes, Daddy, I did! Why not?

I'm so glad you could come.
Of course you're a little late,

but I suppose you could
have a little difficulty in
getting out of the theater.

Marcia, I want you
to get this man out of here.
He's a lunatic.

Go away, Daddy, please!
But I tell you...
- Father!

Okay, I'll go away.

Come on, we'll all go
back to bed.

Don't mind, Father.
He doesn't understand.

He wouldn't, would he?

How did you find me?

No matter if you are here.

Thank you, thank you for coming.

You're quite welcome, I'm sure.

Follow me. I'll show you
to your room!

- This way out, sir.
- Don't worry, Diggs.

Tomorrow.

That will be
the test of a man, sir.

Do you think
this will suffice, sir?

Yes, I suppose
that's theatrical enough.

I only hope they don't ask for balloons!

Actors coming here.
Do you realize, William..

that if Mr. West had to work
for the money that he's spending,

this could never have happened.

It's clearly a case of
money being left to the ...!

It's time for breakfast, sir.

So it is! Come along.
Be prepared for anything.

That's right.
Two o'clock!

You see, he's really here.
Really here!

- Good-bye!
- Hello, darling, what are you doing?

I was just calling
for a few more people
for the lawn party this afternoon.

More? That's downright silly!

Maybe it's silly to you,
but we have Basil Underwood here
an honored guest.

What? That actor here?

Yes, didn't you know?
Of course, you've just arrived but...

- I invited him.
- Oh you did, did you?
- Yes, I did.

Of all the ...

What's the use of arguing?
Let's go and have breakfast.

"Every night I sleep with you
under my pillow.

"Only your picture, alas.
I love you, love you, love you. "

Is this a bug house?
- My dear!

Remember, my dear,
you are a little lady.

Don't say
everything we think.

Why?

There're a couple of crazy men
next room to me..

How do you know?

I peeped through the keyhole
I always do it.

It' very educational.
- My dear!

You know I told you
never to do a thing like that.

What did you see?

There was one man dressed
and another in his shirt ...

The dressed man, I mean,
was talking awful to the other man.

Not another word!
See you in your room
after breakfast.

I am afraid I'll have to
teach my little girl manners!

I'd put a soap in the keyhole!

"I love you passionately,

"And if you will send $ 500,
I'll love you even more. "

- Who is that from?
- That one's from a lady, sir.

They always are.

A much misunderstood lady, sir.

Yes, they always are.

Oh here's one ...
No, no more.
Thank you, Diggs..

Answer everything
in my best vein.

Very good, sir.

Now, I suppose,
we must be on with the farce.

You know your
first scene, Diggs?

- Perfect, sir.
- Good.

You know, it's too bad
it has to be she.
She's a nice girl, Diggs!

- Not too late to change our mind, sir.
- Oh yes it is!

Anything you say, sir.

A strange situation!

In order to make myself
a better man,

I have to behave
like a blackguard.

I'll work that one out
on my way to the breakfast room.

My master's compliments, sir.
What is there for breakfast?

- Well, really, I ...
A kipper?

Who is a kipper?
Did you hear what he called me?

Don't be silly, Daddy.
A kipper is a kind of fish.

What, and do you think
it makes that any better?

So I am a fish, am I?

My master said
he feels like a kipper.

So he feels like a fish?

That's better.

I should say he would feel like a fish
the way he let you cock to him.

Wouldn't eggs do?
We get them from
very aristocratic hens.

Aunt Ellen, when Basil Underwood
feels like a kipper, he probably
doesn't feel like an egg,

even an aristocratic one.

I suppose eggs
will have to suffice.

Eggs then and
a bottle of Scotch.

- For breakfast?
- And one for lunch.

No kippers, ha.

And one thing more:
Mr Underwood gives
no autographs on Sundays.

Did you ever hear
anything like that? Hey, you listen! Hear!

I never heard of such disgraceful conduct!

Good work, old man!

You ought to be ashamed of yourself!

Thanks a lot.

I told him a thing or two.

Good morning, Mr Underwood.
I think you're wonderful.

Mr Underwood, sir!
Yes, Diggs. What is it?

- No kippers.
- What?

No kippers. - What, no kippers?
- No. - Disgraceful!

Am I to understand
that we are kipper-less?

We have eggs.

We have kippers.
Good morning!

- How did you sleep?
- Not at all. Someone snored.
- Oh, who?

- I don't know.
Maybe it was I.

Your kipper will be involved
in whatever you do with them.

Meanwhile you're waiting, won't you meet these nice people

that you also saw last night
but I forgot to introduce them.

This is my fia... A friend of mine,
Henry Grant. -Basil Underwood.

- How do you do?
- Hi.

This is aunt Paysley.

- Mr Underwood! That hand! That hand!
- What's the matter with it?

Look at that heart line.
That Mount of Venus!

You'll be married once.
Heaven help the poor woman.

The lucky thing!

Mr. Underwood hasn't
time for this now.

Oh, Mr. Underwood,
We're soul spirits!

I once met Sir Henry Irving,
a great actor.

Well, that's your opinion.

Do come here, please.
I want you to meet Mrs. Kane.

My friends
call me "Sugar".

How sweet of them!

- Miss Kane. - I know you:
you wore blue spotted shorts!

Are there no reformatories in California?

This is Mr. Babson
of the Babson Can Company.

Glad to meet you, babes.

Please call me "Kid".

And this is Mrs Babson.

I recognize the grip.

And Mr. Hinkle of Amalgamated Utilities,
and Mr. Kane of Kane Chemicals.

Assorted guests from Dun and Bradsteet!
Where's my kipper?

Ah, there you are!

I've been thinking
about what you said
over my being an actor.

You call this kipper?
Taste it.

What's this?

Who brought it?

It is burned,
and so is all the meat.

What dogs is this? Where is
the rascal cook?

How durst, you villains,
bring it from the dressers and serve it thus
to me who love it not!

There, take it to you!

With trenchers, cups and all!

Father, it's Petruchio!
"The Taming of the Shrew!"

- I tell thee, Kate ...
- My name is Ella.

That was burned ... and dried away.
And I expressly am forbid to touch it ...

For it engenders choler, planteth anger;

and better 'twere that both of us did fast!

Since of ourselves,
ourselves are choleric ...

than feed it
with such over-roasted flesh!

I guess he did not like it.

Of all things I ever witnessed.
That's the most barbarian!

I'm shocked to the core.

Magnificent performance, sir.
And one that is going to get us
right back to Miss Joyce.

That is the most disgraceful manner!

I'm sorry for what happens, sweetheart,
but what can you expect?

You make me sick!
You with your steps fines!

What right have you to criticize him?
Is there any law that a man
should eat what he doesn't like?

What are manners?
Little rules for little people ...

He's too big for manners.
Genius is above trifles.

I'll go to him and apologize
for all of us.

Marcia, wait!

Basil, oh, I'm terribly embarrassed
for the behavior of our guests!

It's quite all right, my dear.
We troopers, get used to
all sorts of things.

Are you fond of horses?

In my youth,
I had a positive passion
for merry-go-round.

I ride every Sunday morning.
I'd love to have you come with me.

- Would you? - Yes.

- What's that?- What?

That little thing on your cheek.

Oh! That is a beauty mark.

Nothing of the sort.
It's a mole! Diggs!

A mole indubitably, sir.

Here is another one!

There is.

If she has two, she must have a third.

- Well, I have!
- Where? - Well,...

None of your business.

What are my daughter's moles
to you, Mr. Underwood?

Leave him alone, Daddy. Please! Go away!

Nobody ever lets me in
on anything.

I cannot abide
a woman with moles.

Get thee to a nunnery! Go!

Ah! Hamlet, Act III, Scene 1.

How can you?

You're a beast!

I hate you! I hate you!
And that's last act, last scene!

What an actor we are, sir!

Henry, I've got to thank you
for a most pleasant engagement.

A short run but smashing.

I'll never be able
to thank you enough.

No, no, it's I who should
thank you, my dear boy!

For giving me a chance
to restore my self-respect.

Oh, don't mention it!

And now, sir?

Pack the bags, Diggs.

For this relief, much thanks.

Hamlet, Act I, Scene 1.

My sweet ...

Now you know that actor
as he really is.

- And I hope you're
properly disillusioned.
- But he's right, Henry.

What's that?

He's so right.
These moles are terrible!
I never realized it before.

Don't you believe it.
They are very attractive
and I love them!

But you're no judge of beauty, Henry!
He is an expert ...

I'm going to have them removed.

What do you mean?
Cut off??

Well, I don't know the other one, but ...

These two've got
to come off!

Just because of
what that fool said?

He's not a fool, I was a fool
for behaving like a child.

It is honest, and I admire him for it.

You admire him?
Now you listen to me:

If you love me,
you leave those moles
where they are.

They are part of the girl
I'm engaged to.

Sorry, but you are not engaged
to my moles, and they're coming off.

Come on, Diggs, Miss Joyce
will be proud of us, wont' she?

I fervently hope so, sir.

We'll just be in time
for a noon wedding.

Oh, there's nothing like
a noon wedding!

Hey, Mr Actor man!

I know something
you don't know!

She knows something
we don't know.

It couldn't be anything important,
otherwise we'd know it.

Where are you going?

To a desert island where
there are no dear little children.

You'll never guess what
she's going to do.

She's gonna cut off her moles.

- What? - Yes.
Two of them, anyway.

She hasn't made up her mind
about the third.

She's crazy about you!
And Henry is quite mad.

Come on, sir, remember
our noon wedding.

You don't suppose I'm aroused as
"Sap-me-again- I love- it" complex ...

I don't know what you aroused,
but you surely roused it!

Underwood, wait a minute!
I've got to talk to you!

Sorry, old boy, I've left! - Oh!

A quitter, huh?

Sticks and stones may break our bones,
but names can never hurt us, sir.

He's right, Diggs.

Well, Henry, what do you have to tell me?

-Not here. - No!

Upstairs, Diggs.

And keep your hand over the keyhole.

If you do, I'll stick a pin in it.

Wear a glove, Diggs.

If I weren't a gentleman's gentleman,
I'd be such a cad's cad.

- You. - Yes, Miss.
Where's Babson's room?

Second keyhole to the left, Miss.

I know, Henry. I made
a slight error in tactics.
I made a mistake

A small one.
Sir, let's go, before it gets any larger.

What are we going to do?

Don't be discouraged, Henry.

My repertoire isn't nearly exhausted yet.

I'm about to think of something
even more drastic.

Think of something that
doesn't work backwards this time.

- It's noon, sir, and you said ...
- Unpack the bags.

You want me
to walk out of this house
an unpurged man?

I'll gladly give you 300 points
for making the try, sir.

I refuse to cheat.
Unpack those bags!

Henry, have faith in me.

Remember, I'm doing this
for your happiness ...
and my salvation.

I hope you are sincere, that's all.

That's a nice thing
to say to me!

Gad, how that sweet child
loves me!

And how Miss Joyce,
loves us, sir!

And I love her!

- Or do I?
- Oh yes, sir!

I wonder: Marcia's
so young, so innocent ...

She fills me with a high-minded itch
to become what she supposes I am.

Would it be more correct, sir,
just to say that she
fills you with an itch?

- Diggs! - I beg your pardon,
I'm sorry, sir.

I wonder if I'm reforming
for the wrong woman?

Pasadena?
Who is calling?

Miss Joyce, I am
terribly worried.

I've got little green men
jumping around in my head

from labium to labium
and you said
you're worried.

Miss Joyce, if you love your man,
you'll come over here and
fetch him home.

Yes, I realize that.

And I don't blame you.
Mr. Basil deeply regrets
the insolence of last night.

Miss Joyce,
you've got to help him.

He's in a terrible jam!

I hope he's wallowing in
lovely green jam up to his donkey!

I hope he's in a whole
preserves' closet!

Did he say that?

Did he assure you
he really loves me?

Oh, did he say that?

Diggs, what other nice things
did he say?

Really?

What kind of trouble
is the dear boy in?

Why can't you talk?
Are you in jail again?

Oh, a house call.

What does he want me to do?

Let me think.

Do you remember the routine
we used in Detroit?

I suggest that would come in
useful right now.

What's all the mystery about?

I found out something
I think you ought to know.

Oh, what?

I'm not sure yet,
mind you, but...

I think Marcia is beginning
to fall in love with that actor.

Mr. West, you have a great mind.

Where have you been
all this time?

She's practically published it
in the newspapers!

She's even invited
all the neighbors round
to flaunt it in front of them!

You mean, everybody knows,
and I'm just ...

No one ever bothers
to tell me what's happening
under my own nose!

Excuse me, Marcia. I'd like
to talk to Mr. Underwood.

Very well.
I'll meet you over there
by that bed of flowers.

Look here. Something's
being born in my mind

and I think it's going
to turn out suspicion.

Now Henry, don't
misunderstand me.

I, too, have been puzzled
about this girl of ours. - Ours?

- Well, yours. She's a realist, Henry.

She's not going to be
taken in by any actor's tricks.

I decided the best thing to do
is to get down to earth with her

and talk to her like a father.

- What kind of father?
- A desperate father,
if you must know, Henry.

- What are you going to talk about?
- You.

- I'm going to sell you
as no man was ever sold.

- Down the river? - Oh, Henry!

John Holden,
that's what this is!!

Well, if it's John Doublefuzz
I'll punch you right in the nose.

- Basil! - Coming, coming!

Think well of me, Henry.

This means a lot
to me, too.

- Mr Underwood, sir!
Pardon my presumption

but sir, do you think you can
trust yourself alone with her?

- Well, I'm going to talk to her.
- I know sir,

I overheard, sir.
Like a father, sir. -Yes.

So many times when you start
talking like a father you end up
talking like something else ...

If only you'd wait sir,
this parental chat
might not be necessary.

- Why not?
- I don't know, sir.

Something might happen.

What on earth are you
talking about?

You never can tell, sir.
Something might turn up!

I've thought this thing out.
This is the only thing to do.

- Let me go with you, sir.
- No. It's only family conference.

I could keep an eye on you, sir.

All right, Diggs,
if you are really fretting
just follow me.

- Thank you, sir.
- Stay out of sight.

To keep your eye on me.

Can you think of some signal

- What about one of my birds, sir?
- Excellent!

If you see me get
that much out of line, whistle!

Right, sir. How about my
wood lark or would you
prefer my bobolink?

I bow to the master, Diggs.

Thank you, sir.
You set my mind at ease.

You are worrying about nothing.

- Aren't they lovely?
- Lovely. The color of your cheeks.

Then I'll have to use them
in my wedding bouquet.

And you'll live happily ever after.

You want me to marry Henry?

Of course, I do!

Good old Henry.

I don't want to!

Henry's a very fine boy,
in his way.

Yes, but his ways are
so starchy and dull.

My dear, when you're a little older
you'll be very grateful
for somebody solid ...

that you can rely on.

But I'm young now,
and I want to be gay

I want
to live a little.

What did you say?
- I said "phew".

I thought I heard
some fool of a bird whistle.

That's not surprising!
Come with me.

No wonder you know the birds!

No wonder!

I love birds. I collect them.
- You do?

That's a nice hobby.
I often wonder
what the birds think about it .

- I think I like the lovebirds best.
- You do?

But then, I love anything romantic.

- Don't you?
- All actors are romantics.

If they weren't
I don't suppose
they could be actors.

Tell me about yourself.

Come here. Sit down.
I want to talk to you.

Tell me all about yourself!
Now, look here, Marcia.

There really isn't much to tell.
I'm an actor.

I put on greasepaint, I play a part,
I take the greasepaint off,
I go home.

And that's all. Now I want
to tell you something.

It must be wonderful
to be adored as you are!

Romance which dies
when the theater lights go out.

You are a lonely person.
I can see that now.

Why, how observant you are!

Yes, I'm lonely. Deep in my heart

utterly utterly lonely!

It makes me want to cry!

- You're very sweet, Marcia.
- You need someone to love you.

Someone to take care of you.
Take me with you!

Marcia, I don't think I can do that.

Last time in your dressing room
I told you I did not know
who I'd been worshiping.

you or the parts you play.

Now I know.
It isn't Romeo, it's you!

Are you sure?

Or is it just some
schoolgirl infatuation
which you'll forget in two days?

Hold my hands, Basil.
Feel them trembling.

Feel my heart.
Is that puppy love as you say?

It is as real as
everything you've ever known.

And two days or two lives,
can't change anything.

Oh, my dear!

- No, it's impossible,
you're only a child.
- But I am 20.

- It's just a chemical reaction.
- No, it isn't!

You see that you're all upset!

I love you!

You don't know me as I really am.

Don't you see, I'm the only one
who really does.
You love me!

At least I don't!

I am not capable of loving
any woman for more than
a year, a month, a week!

But what a week
what a month, what a year!

What a mess!

Did you signal?

Oh Basil, why is true love so wonderful?

This is no time to ask riddles.

Don't be shy, dear.

Mercy, no!
Go right ahead!

Joyce! What a delightful surprise!

Really? I'm not surprised in the least.

- Lovely day, isn't it?
- Enchanting. The air's so clear!

- One sees such things.
- Yes, yes. A nice spot, isn't it?

Yes! Sweet place for a murder.

- Why, you are Joyce Arden?
- Yes, yes.

Yes, and you are the young lady
that was in Mr Underwood's
dressing room last night.

- Isn't she, Basil?
- Why, certainly.

I believe she is.

How is your research coming on, my dear?

What right has she
to talk to me like this?

Practically none.

Wives have so
few rights these days.

- Your wife?
- Why, yes, my wife.

- Wonderful!
- You're married.

Why, yes, I think...
Yes, I'm married, yes.

Miss West, this is my wife.
My dear little
faithful wife.

How do you do, Miss West.

Hasn't he told you?
But then the naughty boy never does,
you poor sweet child.

Don't you touch me!

It is wonderful!
You always rescue me
in the nick of time!

And what an idea! My wife!

How did you think of it?

Now, Joyce.
I know what you want.
You want an explanation.

And you shall have it!
You see, last night Henry came
to see me. Henry Grant.

He is the man...
Remember the man who
came to see me last night?

That was Henry! His dad and I
were great pals
devoted to one another.

Come and sit down, sweetie, come on.

Henry is engaged to a girl.
Absolutely mad about her.

Well for some reason
the silly little thing
falls in love with me!

You know how those things go.
Come on, darling, sit down.

You see, he begged me
to come down here
and disillusion her.

No decent man could refuse.
When I got here
what did I find?

She was the same girl
who was in my dressing room!
last night. Isn't that funny?

That's what I've been doing.

I've been making her
fall out of love with me.

- There you are.
- I think I'm going to scream.

No, no. There are guests here, dear.

I'm sure I'm going to scream!

Please behave yourself.
Remember your acids.

You leave my acids out of it.

Darling, look here, listen,
I've been doing it
for several reasons:

for a friend, for you,
to make myself...

- Oh well, you wouldn't
understand anyway
- I'm going. Good-bye..

You are the cause of all this!

Shut up!

- Diggs, my taxi's gone. Where is it?
- I'm sorry, let me explain.

- I said where is my taxi?
- I paid him off.

- Miss, I want you to stay.
- I'll get another one.

Joyce, please listen to me.

What am I going to do, Diggs?

Follow her, sir.
Never let her
out of your sight.

If I were the woodpecker, I'd ...

Shut up!

Basil, wait a minute!
I forgive you!

- You what? - I forgive you.
You couldn't help it
if you met her before you met me.

- Have you no shame?
- Not since you showed me
you loved me!

I don't love you,
it was purely platonic!

Not with that kiss.
It wasn't platonic.
You can't fool me!

I hate to bring the subject up,
but I'm married you know.

You've just been chivalrous
about your wife,
and I admire you for it.

You have to let me go now.
We'll discuss this later.

Have you seen a mad woman
round here somewhere?

- Which one, sir?
- I mean the lady who ...

If you mean Mrs. Underwood,
she's in your room. - Thank you.

Basil, are you trying
to get away from me
by any chance?

My dear little girl, I ...

You can't kiss me like that
and have it mean nothing!

Joyce, you open this door!

You locked the door on me last night
- a ridiculous thing like this
can't go on forever.

I agree with you.

I'm leaving just as soon
as I can get a taxi.

Joyce, I'm a desperate man.
If you don't open this door
I'll kill myself!

Good! Let's have blood and destruction!

Open this door or I'll do it this minute!

Wait! You should
send for your press agent
... and the photographers!

You know, we can't let
a thing like this
happen in secret!

- This is your last chance.
Will you open this door?
- No!

All right!

Then I'm reaching for my gun.

Wait, let me see.
I think the trigger is
near the back end.

Very well, but
remember this, woman:

I die with your name
on my lips.

Goodbye, Joyce. Goodbye.

- Oh, Basil, darling!
Now listen, baby,

This is really top...
- You cad!

You can't even be on the level
about killing yourself!

Joyce, darling, you must believe me!

- I did this for you!
- How dare you
getting through that again?

I played in it, too,
"The Loving Triangle".

Yes, that's what it is!

Even your alibis
don't play these days!

Joyce dear, Joyce you're dead.

- Do I pack or unpack?

Neither.
Go get Mr Grant
and bring him back here at once.

Oh, you're going to grovel in apology!

Who insulted who?

Basil Underwood. He's appeared to be
a horrible creature.

- He isn't either. - Who isn't?

- Basil Underwood!
He is, too!

Oh, I give up! Marcia...

I want to speak to you.
Did you deliberately send
for his wife to come here?

- I did not. - Whose wife?
- Basil's wife. - He might.

- He couldn't very well to have a wife
to be wooing?
- Mr Henry.

Mr. Underwood urgently
wishes to see you at once, sir.

-All right.
- Why should he want
to see Henry?

Oh please, don't bother me, Father.
I'm upset enough already.

I'm going to prove to you
that you are doing me
a great injustice.

Oh Henry, come in here.

There is a little matter
I want you to settle.

My wife, bless her heart,
is a nasty suspicious female.

- Joyce, this is Mr Grant.
- How do you do?

Now Henry, is it not a fact
that the last night
you came to see me

and arrange me to come down here
and disillusion your fiancee Miss West

from her attachment to me?

You prepare to blush.

- Isn't that so, Henry? - No!
- What? - Aha!

-You mean, yes!
- There is not a word
of truth in it, Mrs Underwood.

- That's all I wanted to know.
- He's a liar!
- You mean he refused to be one.

There was another reason.

I was ashamed to tell you in the garden
but I really did this for you.

In the garden? That was for me?
I was ashamed to tell you in the garden
but I really did this for you.

In the garden? That was for me?

That was just a temporary detour.
I came down here...

To make myself a better man
for you.

That's too funny! Ha-ha-ha!

First it was for Henry, now it's for me.
Who is next, Basil?

Darling, I 'm pleading with you,
I love you, sweet!

-You've got to help me now.
- Yes?

- Basil, I'll help you.
- You will? - Yes.

This is one of the times
when I'd adore to help you!

I don't like the way
she's laughing!

Well, a fine worm you've turned out to be!

What did you expect me to say
after we agreed to keep it a secret?

That's the way
you repay a friendship?

I don't want to get about
that I need help
to keep my girl!

- Pack the bags, Diggs.
- Are you sure?
- Immediately!

What are you going to do?

We're now going home, Diggs.
We'll postpone our reforming
to some future time.

At least it will make Joyce realize
that this problem child
means nothing to me.

- But you can't go now.
She's more in love
with you than ever!

- It's your funeral.
- But you don't know her like I do.

She's liable to kick over
the traces and follow you!

Pack the... Oh you're doing it.
That's fine. Goodbye!

I'm terribly sorry
for the heart ache
I've caused you,

but it was something
beyond the control
of either Basil or myself.

- We were helpless
to fight against it.
- Yes, I understand.

- "Love swept you along
like leaves in the wind." - Yes!

Oh, I'm so glad you understand.

Are you so desperately
in love with him, my dear?

I think he's wonderful.

He's so different from other men!
He's so...

I don't think there are
words to describe him, do you?

Well, there probably are,
but one will have to have
a very extensive vocabulary.

Get me a taxi, will you? - Yes, sir.

It must be very painful to you.

You must love him too.

My feeling for him
is indescribable,

but stronger than
my love for him
is my desire

to see that the dear boy
gets what he wants.

What are you two talking about?

Oh Basil, you've married
a most marvelous woman.
She has such understanding!

I can hardly wait
to tell everybody about it!

Tell them what?

- What were you talking about?
- You.

- What about me?
- You... and love.

Why are you grinning
like a Berkshire kitten?

- Cheshire, darling.
- Well, Cheshire then.

- And I do resent being
called a cat. - I didn't.
I called you "kitten".

Well kittens turn into cats.

Never mind about that.
Why are you grinning
so maliciously?

Because I'm so happy for you.

She's such a dear sweet girl,
and she worships you.

You're going to be
ecstatically happy!

What do you mean?

You are going to vibrate
with laughter when I tell you.

Please tell me. Let me start vibrating.

It's merely that
I agreed to divorce you.

- You what?
- Agreed to divorce you.
We aren't even married.

- You see? I said I'd help you.
- Joyce dear! Please listen!

I'm eating a humble pie.

- I love to see you
eat a humble pie.
- Please!

Please don't go on with it, Joyce!

Listen my pet,
and listen carefully,

for these are probably
the last few words
I shall ever say to you.

For longer than I care to remember
you're been prancing along ...

in you gay charming way
not giving much of a darn
of what you stepped.

There was always spring time
in your heart.

And if you pause to pluck
a few romantic posies by the pass

who was there to blame you?

- Joyce, please.
- There was always
old little Joyce ...

Obliging little Joyce
to get you out of your scrapes.

Credulous little Joyce
who believed the utterest nonsense.

Jealous little Joyce
who was a joy to torment.

Nasty-tempered little Joyce
who was fun to fight with.

Faithful little Joyce
to whom you could always come home.

Now Joyce, this isn't fair ...

But you've plucked
your last posy, my lad.

For I'm going to see that
you keep this one forever.

I'm going to to tell you exactly
what your life is going to be like.

You're going to have love for breakfast,
and love for lunch, and love for dinner.

Sweet sticky sugary worship.

You're going to live
on a steady diet of it
until you are ready to scream.

You are going to long
for a good brawl
but she won't fight.

You are going to struggle
to escape,

but she'll never let you away from her.

And it's just exactly what you deserve, you...

you billy-goat!

Joyce! Have some mercy!
You've got to save me from her!

Oh, dear Mr. West! You're
just the person I've been looking for.

- Who, me? - You!

Would you show me your garden?

And the darling aviary?

With pleasure.

I don't know why you business men
appeal to me so much.

Unless it's because
you are so different
from actors.

Well, well...

Basil! You know
what gardens are, don't you?

Wouldn't it be amusing
if I came back
as your mother-in-law? Bye!

- Diggs. - Yes, sir?
- Unpack the bags. - Yes, sir.

- Diggs, we're in a pickle.
- Oh!

If you'd only listened to me, sir, we ...

Never mind, sir.

We've been
in and out of it before.

Not this kind of a pickle ...
This is a pickle.

We've done out best
to fulfill our obligations with Mr. Henry!

I'm not thinking of Mr Henry.

I'm not even thinking of the salvation
of my immortal soul.

The things have got
far beyond that.

- Do you realize what my life
with that ingenue would be?

No, sir. What?

Love for breakfast!
Love for lunch! Love for dinner!

Oh, horrible, sir!

I've got to get rid of her
somehow,

or Ms. Joyce is through with me.

And sloppy as it sounds
I couldn't stand that.

I understand, sir.

I don't think at all
that we're nuts about the girl!

- Think, Diggs, think!
- My mind is a barren field, sir.

We've exhausted all the the possibilities
of "The Loving Triangle" and to no avail.

Be something that there must!

- There is, Diggs!
- What's that, sir?

"Alone in the City."

You're joking, sir. Not "Alone in the city!"!

- "Alone in the City," Diggs.
- But you can't ...

I must!
The last desperate remedy
for a desperate situation.

No! But she is so young,
sir, so innocent!

Exactly. She'll flee from me in terror.

This will do it, Diggs.

You can pack the bags.

I won't!

Basil! Oh, Basil!

- Would you... - No, you don't.

Now, my proud beauty!

- What are you doing?
- Don't let me frighten you, little girl!

I'm not frightened.
I just want to know what you're doing.

Some call it:

"The fate that is
worse than death."

Oh, Basil, how wonderful!

- Oh, my darling!
- Thank you very much!

Now I know you love me.

I must have picked
the wrong fate!

Where's the key?

Diggs, let me out of here, Diggs!

Mother!

This weekend is even better than
when Mr. Morley killed his wife!

But what are you saying, my dear?

- They are hugging and kissing and ...
- Who?

That man and your girl!

- Don't go!
- My dear girl!

Where is your sense of humor?

Don't run away, Basil!

I want to know
what happened between
you and that ham!

Now, Henry, there's nothing
to get excited about it.

If ever there was nobility
I've seen it.

Do you call that nobility - to break in here...

Here I was as weak, as water,
but he was strong.

- Strong!
- Now, there's simply no use, Henry.

The man's proven to me
that he loves me.
I can never marry you now.

- But...
- Dinner is served.

Joyce! I've got to talk to you.

Still making her
fall out of love with you, Basil?

- Yes.
- Oh, the things you do for me!

Would you please follow me?

Oh yes. I'm speaking
to practically anybody these days

and practically nobody
is speaking to me.

Oh, please, Miss Joyce!

Well ... what do you want?

Young man,
what are your intentions
concerning my daughter?

- None whatever.
- What's that? Then you'd better
get some intentions!

You can't come here and compromise her
and act as if it was
an everyday occurrence!

Look here: no one can
compromise your daughter!

It is as much as I can do
to keep her
from compromising me!

Go out of here, Papa.
I want to talk to this man.

- I'm already talking to him about Marcia.
- This is important!

Important? Well, isn't that important?

- Now run along, Dad, please.
- Not important!

I don't know what
the world's coming to.
Nothing's important anymore.

Now look here, Underwood.
I know what's you've been up to
all alone!

Well, it's more than I do now.

You're trying to steal her
away from me.
You knew how this would work.

Henry, I give you
my sacred word of honor

I've done my utmost
to give this girl back to you.

The whole thing's been
a deliberate double cross.

If that's the kind of a cad
you think I am,

may you strike me down
where I stand!

You've had your turn.
You've first been on fraud!
Now I'll do some acting!

So help me bear it!

- What happened?
- I knocked him cold.

Why, this is terrible!

He dislikes being knocked down.

Miss Paysley, let's have dinner.

Are you hurt, sir?

Diggs, will you stop making
those silly bird noises?

- You must have been reading
very bad fiction.
- Is that so?

Basil, tell her the truth!
Didn't I arrange for you
to come down here and disillusion her?

- No! - What?

I knew it!

Now you get out
of that one.

- Diggs.. -Sir, pack, sir.

Come on, Diggs.

Do a good deed daily
and sleep in the doghouse.

Before we left, sir,
I took the liberty of assuring her
of our devotion.

She said she wouldn't come back.

But there was
an unhappy look in her eyes.

- There was?
- Yes, but definitely.

I hold out very little hope, Diggs.

- Ain't you Basil Underwood? - Yes, yes.

See here. I took my wife
to see you in the "Hamlet".

And ever since I can't do
anything with her.

It's too bad!

I know that's not your fault!
You can't help if you look
that way in tights!

Oh, I suppose I can.

See, I was worn enough.

As a personal favor
you come over to my house
and help me straighten her out.

- What?
- You know, sort of cure.
- No!!

There's a heel for you!

Well, here we are.

And where are we?

It's just you and I alone together,
from now on, old fellow.

I shall do my best, sir.

I don't know what I'd do without you, Diggs.

You're too good to me, sir.

No, Diggs, I'm not
good enough for you.

Mercenary times are not
good enough for you, sir.

I wonder.

Diggs, she is here!

- Come on!- Hallow!- Don't you harm me.
Goodbye!

I knew you'd follow me here!

You stubborn girl!
Do you want
to compromise me? - Yes!

- You go right home
where you belong.
- This is where I belong.

Please! Think of what
your father will say.
Think of poor Henry!

- He's there, sir! - Who's here?

- Mr. Henry, sir.

- I've left.
- Tell him we're not at home.

He says if you don't come,
he will come in.

Oh yeah?

He's yours, Diggs.

Throw her out of the window,
put her down the fire escape ...

and unpack the bags.

Henry, if she's here,
I hope I'll drop dead on the spot!

I know that she is here.

Are you hinting that I'm a liar?

I am not hinting at anything.
I'm stating a fact.

But that's not what
I came to see you about.

Ah, isn't it?
Well, I'm glad to see you, old boy!

Underwood, a man can fight so long
and then he has to give up.

Yes, I'm beginning to come
to that bitter conclusion myself.

So I come to wish you both
the very best of luck.

Oh, Henry, I hope you don't mean
what I think you do.

She's yours, I give her to you.

- Please don't give her to me, Henry!
I don't want her!
- But she wants you!

- No Henry! Listen to me!

This is unfair.
I did this thing
as a favor to you.

I thought it was
a decent thing to do.

You can't reward me
by leaving me holding the bag.

Don't you refer to Marcia in that way!

- I thought you're in love with the girl!
- And so I am.

- Take her away, Henry!
- No, Underwood,
I love her too much!

All I want is
for her to be happy.

I couldn't marry her
with her in love with you!

I could not bear
the hurt look that would
always be in her eyes ...

Wait a minute! Stop playing my part!

I'm supposed to be
the self-sacrificing hero
in this piece!

Henry!

Do you really love me so much?

- Why, of course I do!
- Of course he does!

- You shut up!

You keep out of our affairs anyway.

She's absolutely right!

Well, I like that!

You leave Henry out of this!

I'd have have forgotten all
about you in two weeks!

I was in love with Clark Gable
and if I could forget him
it's a cinch I could get over you!

Who is Clark Gable?

He doesn't he know who Clark Gable is?

- I do. - I'm sick of being
in the middle of all this.

- I only did it because...
- I know why you did it.

I heard every word you said.
I studied psychology.

You did it because
you are an exhibitionist.
All actors are exhibitionists.

And you're just an actor!

- Just an actor!
- And not a very good one either!

My dear little ninny, we are all actors.
Henry has just played a big scene.

Shakespeare again!

Yes, a genius, who wrote many truths.

And nothing truer than
"All the world's a stage ...

and all the men and women
merely players,

"They have their exits and their entrances ...

"And one man in his time
plays many parts".

"His act be seven ages".

"At first, an infant, mewling and
puking in the nurses arms.

" Then, the whining school-boy with his satchel
And shining morning face,

"creeping like a snail
unwillingly to school.

"Then the lover, sighing like a furnace

"with a woeful ballad
made to his mistress' eyebrow.

"Then, a soldier,
full of strange oaths,
and bearded like the pard,

"Jealous of honor,
sudden, and quick in quarrel,

"seeking the bubble reputation
even in the cannon's mouth.

"And then, the justice,
with eyes severe,
and beard of formal cut,

"Full of wise saws, and modern instances,
and so he plays his part.

"The sixth scene shifts
into the lean and slippered pantaloon.

"With spectacles on nose and pouch on side,

"His youthful hose, well saved, a world too wide

"For his shrunk shank,

"And his big manly voice,
turning again to a childish treble.. "

Boy what a ham!

"Last scene of all,

"That ends this strange eventful history

his second childishness
and mere oblivion

"Sans teeth, sans eyes,

"sans taste,

"sans everything."

What, no audience?

A magnificent performance, sir!

Thank you, Diggs.

Will you please
get me my bill?
I'm checking out.

I'm so sorry to hear that, Miss Arden.
Plays won't seem the same
without you.

Thank you.

Dearest, will you ever be able
to forgive me?

Darling, it's you who must forgive me.

I hate to bring you
down to earth, folks
but this is the ground floor.

- Oh, hallow, Mrs Underwood. - Well, hallow.

Have you two ...

- Yes, we have.
- Yes, we have.

You can have
your husband back now, Mrs. Underwood.

But though how you can endure him
is beyond me.

But of all the impertinent,
conceited ...

Now, now, darling, remember
he was on the level
about getting us back together again.

Don't be silly, Henry!
All this stuff you've been
telling me about his ...

doing you a good turn
and making himself a better man,
is fantastic nonsense.

I never want
to hear his name again.

You're a very sweet person,
Mrs. Underwood, and believe me,

- You have all my sympathy.
- Thank you!

-Good-bye! - Good-bye! - Good-bye.

You know, Diggs?
The gloomy conviction
is settling upon me ...

that I was a far happier man

before I became a reformed character.

That gives me a satisfaction of
knowing the day of the man, sir.

You're on the credit side of the ledger, sir.

- That's no satisfaction at all.
- Yes, sir.

But before you started
this moral reformation

you may have been
a bit of a bad odor.

Now, you have a perfume as sweet
as the lilies of the field.

And who wants to smell me?

Yes, you have made there, sir.

Diggs, my boy, Miss Joyce and I

may have had our little difference
perhaps eight or nine a month,

But in the main,
we were happy.

Do you realize that this silly business

has lost me the one woman
in the whole cock-eyed world

..that I can't live without. - Basil!

- Joyce!
- No! Don't move!

- Just let me look at you.
- What is it, darling?

There's something about you
that is so different.

I don't know what it is, but

you seem like a new man.

- You can see it?
- Yes, I can, really I can.

And I thought it was all inside.

No. Of course, maybe it's just the lighting,

but there seems to be a halo
round your head.

And I did it all for you.

-Sweetheart! - Darling!

- Pack the bags, Diggs. - What, sir?

- Pack your bags.
- What, again, sir?

Yes, we're flying to Las Vegas

- to get married.
- But you don't need clothes
to get married.

Pack the bags!

But perhaps Diggs doesn't feel
like packing the bags.
Don't do it, Diggs!

I tell you not to interfere!
Go on, pack the bags!

- Maybe he's tired.
- So am I.

Everyone has a limit.

Yes, it appears you don't
remember that sometimes.

That's a fine way to talk to me!

- All right, don't get excited!
- I am not excited!

After all, Washington did
freed the slaves.

What's that got to do with it?

I give the orders because
I pay the man his salary!

Yes! Only a meager one to owe me a pip!

Money again,
you mercenary little biddy !

On the contrary,
I'm a stone of generosity!

Diggs, your salary is doubled .

Diggs, your salary
is cut in half!

Oh! You are the meanest
the most contemptible man
I ever married!

What did you say?

-Darling! - My sweet!
This is the life, Diggs!

I wouldn't know, sir.