Into It (2006) - full transcript

[DRUMMY ELECTRONIC MUSIC
PLAYING]

[bassy tone]

[struggling noises]

Stop!

(WHIMPERING) Could you stop?

Fuck.

You fucking raped me.

You fucking--

No.

[bubbly electronic music]

FEMALE ANNOUNCER: It is The
Video Revolution coming up.



Thanks for staying with
us up late for iwin TV.

Thanks.

Hi mad house,
thanks for tuning in.

Glad you could make it.

I'm here all night with you.
Don't worry.

You know what else is
here all night with you?

The new Sony Handicam.

You guys have gotta see this.

It's about time to get
back out of your house

and onto the streets and
film it while you do.

WOMAN (MUTTERING): I
can't really reach that.

[knocking]

WOMAN (MUTTERING):
Can you reach?

Can you reach it?
It's over there.



OK, all right.

This is an emerald-- actually
this is a radiant cut--

who arranged these?

OK.

PATTY: I think the
thing is gorgeous.

WOMAN: The pink is huge.

PATTY: That's an
in-color right now.

WOMAN: It's huge.

I mean there's just
no two ways-- I mean,

you know, there's just
no two ways about it.

It's a huge color.

And thank you for saying
that, that is so kind of you.

But thank you for calling Patty,
I hope you enjoy your ring.

PATTY: Thank you dear.

WOMAN: Goodbye, happy holidays.

Well, that is all the time
that we have for tonight.

But coming up next,
we've got my pal,

Even doing The Video
Revolution talking

about our new
lines of camcorders

that we've got coming out.

What?

Oh, we're not going to Even yet.

OK.
What?

Oh, OK.

This is-- yep, live
television, folks.

What?

We are going?

All right.

Here's Even and The Video
Revolution coming up.

Thanks for staying with
us up late for iwin TV.

Thanks.

Hi, mad house.

Thanks for tuning in.

Glad you could make it.

I'm here all night with you.

Don't worry.

You know what else is
here all night with you?

The new Sony Handicam.

You guys have gotta
see this, really.

It's about time to get
back out of your house

and onto the streets-
and film it while you--

[audio playing in reverse]

You know else is here
all night with you?

The new Sony Handicam.

You guys have gotta
see this, really.

It's about time to get
back out of your house--

[drum beat]

[fuzzy electronic music]

[dog yapping]

[water running]

[bubbly electronic music]

[water running]

[evan crying out]

OK, OK, OK.

Just calm down.

Calm down, calm down.

[brakes squealing]

[bell ringing]

[drummy music]

I need this refilled.

Doctor Pencian gives me
refills all the time.

OK.

I'm sorry this says no refills.

I'm sure he called it in.

I need a prescription.

You should call your doctor
tomorrow morning, and have him

recall in your prescription.

EVAN: That is not acceptable.

[bell ringing]

You're not getting
this tonight--

not without a prescription.

EVAN: Did you hear me say
that this is unacceptable?

And did you hear I said
come back tomorrow morning.

EVAN: I'd like to
speak to a manager.

Manager-- mister, listen.

It's 2:00 AM, and I'm
the only one here.

Now get the hell outta
here-- I'm not refilling

you no illegal prescription.

EVAN (LOUDLY
WHISPERING): Illegal?

I have the bottle right there!

That says no refills!

I'm not in the mood to
put up with this bullshit!

I am coming back here
tomorrow, and I will

be speaking to your supervisor.

You do that, junkie-man.

You tell him how I
wouldn't give you yo' fix.

Yes, you do that mister
plinkin' junkie-man.

Shit.

Hey.

Hi.

You're on TV.

What?

You are on TV.

Yes, that's me.

I was just flipping
the channels

earlier tonight before I
came out-- there you were.

Just talking about
TVs and video cameras.

And, bam, here you are--
right in front of me.

It's so cool.

I'm Simon.

Evan.

I have no idea where I am.

My roommate, Rem, invited me to
this party with tons of blow.

People were talking
shit, turning tricks.

So I kept drinking
but I must have been

dosed because there
was this blow-up doll,

it started talking to me.

So I ran outside for some air.

That's when I noticed some dude
totally fell off the balcony;

everyone just ran.

And now I have no
clue where I am.

Excuse me, excuse me,
Mr. Evan, are you taking

a cab home by any chance?

I'm gonna go now.

Hey.

Fuck, it's cold.

Well, thanks man.

Are you OK?

Oh, god, I'm so stupid.

No, it's just my stupid nose.

My nose bleeds at
the drop of a hat.

Well should I
call an ambulance?

No, I'm fine, I'm fine.

I just-- I get
these all the time.

Well wait-- maybe
they can take me home.

Pfft.

[train rolling along]

Well it's not really
a palace, it's more

of a place-- small apartment.

I know I have some
Band-Aids in here somewhere,

though, or maybe some gauze.

I don't think I've
used a Band-Aid myself

in like 10 years.

Maybe you're like a superhero?

Yeah, infomercial man-- can
sell crap out of anything.

Did you know that bar soap
can get you 10 times cleaner

than the leading shower gel?

It's like you really have to
make anything sound better

than anything else.

Look at me, I'm sitting
here and you're bleeding.

Why do you do that?

Do what?

The blinking-- is it
like a tick or something?

Uh, I guess.

I like it.

So how's your nose?

Um, good.

Thanks.

Oh, don't thank me.

I'm the reason you're here.

Look, uh, you're really
sweet but you're too young.

Ah, fuck this.

[creepy singing]

Tell me I feel too young.

This isn't comfortable.

Are you comfortable?

I'm fine.

Let's go in the other room.

Oh, wait, hold on.

[gargling]

Calm down, calm down!

Are you a top?

What?

The top.

Does it have to be
decided right now?

[belt jingling]

What are you doing?

Just rub it.

Just rub it against it.

OK.

I wanna put it in.

Wait, no condom.

It's all right, there's no
lube, it's not going to go in.

Just play with it.

It feels like it's going in.

Just put the head in.

Wait, wait, I'm
going to get a condom.

Oh my god, are you OK?

What?

Jesus, my sheets.

What?

Here, here.

Oh my god-- did I
get any on-- sorry.

It's not safe.

There's too much blood.

Fuck!

Oh, fuck!

Fuck.

Fuck.

Shush.

Oh, fuck.

Shut up.

Uh, fuck.

Shh!

Oh, wait a minute.

Shut up!

Oh, oh!

[moaning sounds]

You stopped blinking.

[distorted music]

MALE PROSTITUTE SOLICITOR:
OK, those pants are

much more appropriate for work.

Much more professional.

Now the shirt still
isn't right though.

Just throw your stuff over
there, you can get it later.

Brett was right, you look
like a Norwegian surfer.

I can't wait to do this.

What's your name?

Simon.

MALE PROSTITUTE SOLICITOR:
Well Simon, here's the deal.

We're going to play
office and then you're

going to mess around with me.

Think you're up for that?

I don't know.

MALE PROSTITUTE SOLICITOR:
Oh, you'll get the hang of it.

Don't you worry.

OK, that shirt's just not going
to work though, because that's

not a work shirt.

You want to-- here, just
take-- take your shirt off.

Let's just say I work
at this small company

and I'm the office manager.

And then there's
this, um, mail clerk.

We'll just say his name's,
I don't know, Christian.

And when he hands the mail to
me he smiles at me, you know.

And-- and there's
something in that

smile that I know he
doesn't give that smile

to the other workers.

So I want you to be--
you're Christian.

And you come in
here into my office.

And you're-- and
you're all alone.

And I accidentally left out an
issue of "Honcho" over here,

and you get so, kind
of, fascinating--

I know we didn't discuss that.

I know we didn't.

But after I come in and
see you, that's when you're

going to give your ass to me.

No.

And you can keep the clothes.

No.

How about if I go up to $250?

OK.

MALE PROSTITUTE SOLICITOR:
So I end up coming in here,

and I catch you with it
and your pants are off.

Come on, why not?

[music playing]

What the fuck are
you doing, man?

Gross.

Why are you home so early?

What's with the clothes?

Ow.

Oh, did your john rough you up?

I got a nosebleed.

OK, look-- are you going to be
able to pay me rent this week

or what?

Hey, it's Frank.

Uh, listen, um, I was just
thinking about you today,

and I was really thinking
that we should get together

because I hadn't seen
you in a long time

and shoot the shit and stuff.

Yeah, so gimme a call as
soon as you get this, bye.

Yeah.

Yeah, look.

I wanted to ask you something.

Yeah, sure, I'll hold on.

Look, what are
you doing tonight?

OK.

Yeah, that's fine.

No, that's fine.

So do you have any meth?

Or do you know where
I can get some?

All right, let's
go to the phones.

Oh my god.

Simon, get the fuck out here.

Simon, now.

What?

Get in here, he's on.

You know, he looks better on TV.

EVAN: You purchased the camera?

Congratulations, you
made a great investment.

He stopped blinking.

Thank god you noticed that;
what the fuck was that?

So what did you do with him?

He bone you or what?

What?

Come on, why won't you tell me?

Come on, you can't tell me?

He stopped blinking
after we did it.

Did what-- beat
the shit out of you?

What?

You come in here with
your face all fucked up--

what am I supposed--

He took care of me, Rem.

He was really great
about the whole thing.

And then, after we were
done, he stopped blinking.

He just stopped.

I really feel like I helped him.

It was fucking hot.

REM: Well, if all
that's true, then why

hasn't he come back for more?

Well, he's just busy.

Too busy for a $100 pole smoke?

No, he's on
television and stuff.

EVAN: What do you
plan on using it for?

MALE BUYER: Documentation.

Documentation?
Are you a filmmaker?

REM: I think he's
really fucked up.

That's great.

You know, people are making
their own movies these days.

All you really need is
this camera and a computer.

You could make a
romantic comedy.

Should be right
back online here,

just a little sound issue.

A month?

I cannot wait a month for
this prescription, all right?

Well can you give me
something until then?

What is your name?

No, tell me your
name right now, OK!

[BACKGROUND ELECTRONIC MUSIC
PLAYING]

[phone ringing]

Hello?

Hey, Simon?

Is that offer still good?

Yeah.

I really could take you up on
it, I just need to calm down.

You know?

OK.

What's this?

Oh my god!

Thank you, thank you so much.

Hey, slow down.

Tell me you--

Jen, I'm on television,
I don't need to think.

I just need to look good.

Oh, gimme a break.

Oh, fuck.

Oh, fuck.

Oh, fuck.

Stop it please.

Fuck.

Stop it.

Stop what?

That fuck stuff,
it's distracting.

Fuck?

Fuck's not distracting,
fuck's hot.

Simon, please.

Are you OK?

I'm fine, just no
more swearing, OK?

Are you religious?

[laughter]

Here.

Shut me up.

But let me up a few times
so I don't pass out.

What?

So we're both happy.

What are you doing?

Fuck.

Fuck.

Fuck.

Fuck.

Fuck.

Shut up.

Shut up!

Shut up!

You stopped blinking.

Yeah.

You're welcome.

You think this
is because of you?

This has nothing to do with you.

I took four Valium,
four beautiful Valiums.

No, it wasn't you at all.

Hey.

Come 'ere.

Here.

You know why I like you?

Because you have
a beautiful frown.

Some people have
beautiful smiles--

you have a beautiful frown.

That's why I like you--
because you're so sad.

That's why I like you too.

I'm not sad.

[fire sounds]

[car honking]

[upbeat electronic music]

[struggling sounds]

Come on, do it for
a minute this time.

A minute is nothing, quit
being a fucking pussy.

That fuckin' hurt.

[banging sounds]

[rock music playing]

neat to move

[applause]

[fast knocking]

What?

Do you have a cigarette
that Evan can borrow?

Why didn't Evan ask me himself?

He didn't wanna bother you.

Well, so he like gets
you to bother me for him?

Classic.

Do you have a cigarette?

No.

Go away, I need some space.

I'm writing a song.

Hey, hey, uh, Simon, are you
going to watch the finale

to "Hard Drive" tonight?

No smokes.

Should have figured he
wouldn't give me any.

There's a really cool
TV show and on tonight,

you wanna watch it?

What's the show about?

[phone ringing]

Hello?

Yeah.

Hello?

Hey, Simon, I have
a question for you.

Why are you calling
me from a room away?

Can you call Brett and ask
him to get me some meth?

He's clean now, he
just got out of rehab.

Well, well he still
has the numbers right?

That's not cool, Rem.

EVAN: You know, some
would say that using drugs

is a way to escape
from your life.

That's because I'm trying
to escape from a horribly

depressed life, asshole.

So will you call him?

No!

Well, why don't you invite
him to watch the show tonight?

No, you freak him out.

Is he coming?

Are you coming?

No

Why not, it's a
really good show?

I have to work.

Oh.

I'm gonna take a shower, do
you have to use the bathroom?

I'll take $50 off your rent
this month if you call him.

Don't do that to me,
Rem, that's too mean.

$50.

I don't even know
if he'll cooperate.

He'll cooperate.

BRETT (WHISPERING): Hello?

SIMON: Hey, it's Simon.

BRETT (WHISPERING):
Yo, what's up?

EVAN: Why are you whispering?

BRETT (WHISPERING): I'm working.

EVAN: How was rehab?

BRETT (WHISPERING): Oh
no, I gotta bounce, dude.

I sucked this straight
guy off in group therapy

and after he came he got all
uptight and laid into me.

So I pinned him down and
bit into his nutsack.

[laughter]

EVAN: Awesome.

BRETT (WHISPERING):
Aw, you miss me baby?

EVAN: Whatever.

BRETT (WHISPERING):
BRETT: Ah, come on.

Why you holding out on me?

EVAN: You know I
don't fuck my friends.

You know that.

Anyway, the finale to
"Hard Drive" is on tonight,

and I wanted you to
come over and watch.

BRETT (WHISPERING):
Oh, fuck yeah!

No, I love that show.

EVAN: The boy is so beautiful.

BRETT (WHISPERING): But who
do you think the chick is

that he's talking with online?

EVAN: We're going
to find out tonight.

The commercials have been
saying it's not who we think.

[violins playing]

Oh!

That's insane.

I-- I don't get it.

Dude, the modem isn't
plugged in-- he was talking

to his computer the whole time.

What?

Are you retarded?

There is no Samantha.

His actual computer
is in love with him.

Wow, the whole
time he thought he

was, like, relating to
somebody and he wasn't at all.

He's completely alone.

This show's genius.

Do you wanna see
something funny?

Wait, save it till next week.

It's the season
finale, fuckhead.

[electronic music playing]

Shit, he's not on.

Well, he's coming back by now.

Wait, your boyfriend
works for that TV show?

Oh, please don't
call him a boyfriend.

He is my boyfriend.

Gross.

Simon likes 'em old.

What the fuck is that?

That's Evan.

You gave him a key
without asking me?

[moaning sounds]

Ow, ah.

Yeah.

Then he fuckin' said don't
touch me in the shower.

And I was like, why are
you hard and staring at me?

Oh.

And he fuckin' decked me.

What are we doing?

What?

Did you bring any stuff?

Oh, you mean stuff, stuff.

No, I'm trying to cut that out.

Besides, I'm broke.

How about--

[screaming]

-Oh--
-Don't.

But I--

Dude, trust me, OK.

There's nothing
going on in there

that he doesn't want going on.

And he wouldn't appreciate
if you walked in right now,

you know what I'm saying?

So I'm going to just turn
this off, call your friend.

OK, let's go.

Come on, chop, chop.

EVAN: Did I do that to you?

What?

EVAN: Did I do that?

I'm not being careful.

I'm sorry.

It doesn't really hurt.

Where are you going?

EVAN: Home.

I have to go over
this new camera I'm

going to demo tomorrow night.

I'm going to be there all day.

Well can't you still stay over?

EVAN: I'll call you tomorrow.

We'll talk then.

Actually, why don't you
come in, and I'll have

Jen put something over that.

I'm sorry.

Are you mad at me?

Just go.

EVAN: Well, I don't
wanna go until you say

you're not mad at me anymore.

Well then I won't say
it and you'll stay.

No, Simon don't.

OK, just let go.

Come on, Simon, Simon!

Jesus Christ.

I'll call you tomorrow, OK?

[phone ringing]

Hello?

MALE PROSTITUTE SOLICITOR:
Hey, your friends

are on their way over.

We're going to cook
up some special k,

are we're going
to have ourselves

a private after party.

I hate after parties.

MALE PROSTITUTE SOLICITOR: Ah,
cut that shit out, come on.

Get your tight
little ass over here.

I have a boyfriend.

MALE PROSTITUTE SOLICITOR: He
doesn't have to know a thing.

And if you don't tell
your two friends,

I'll slip $100 if you show up,
because you're my favorite.

All right, here we go.

You ready to play a game?

We're going to get wild,
you ready to get wild?

Yeah, what do
ya' want me to do?

All right here is
what we're going to do.

All right, I have this
scenario in my head--

you're like this robber.

You're like a burglar.

OK, and I have a hat for ya.

Yeah, over here.

This is the hat.

I want you to put this hat on.

And so you're this
burglar, uh-huh.

That's exactly right and
gimme a sexy look, come on.

And, oh hello.

Come on in.

I didn't think you would
get here that fast.

We just started.

OK, he's the burglar,
and and you're the person

whose house he's stealing.

So it's late at night.

So take your shirts off.

Get the shirts off,
keep the hats on.

Shirts off, hats on.

OK, but you know actually,
I think maybe you should

be wearing something pink.

And you should be
wearing something green.

Green will be a
good color for you.

I think they would
look good together.

OK, so, now you've
robbed his house,

and you've killed his mother.

And so I want you to
pull him towards you,

because you're
gonna-- aw, the pink

and green look great together!

I think they look great.

OK, so, so you're going to kill
him, but something happens.

You kill him-- I mean you
pull him, you pull him to you.

But you look at each other and--
don't look at me, look at him--

and you look at each other.

And you're so cute, and
he's so cute that you

just-- you can't kill him.

And instead of killing
him, you slowly start--

yeah, yeah, that's what you do.

That's perfect.

That's perfect.

OK, so you have to kill him.

And he's going to-- and
you, you, I want you--

but you're in love with him.

You're in love with him,
and he is going to kill you.

Is this for real?

MALE PROSTITUTE SOLICITOR: I
used to be a cop, you know.

I used to pick up boys
like you all the time.

Here, why don't you put
that gun down and come over

here and take off your pants.

MALE PROSTITUTE
SOLICITOR: Oh, hot tamale.

Oh, look at that package.

Nice package there.

All right, lay down
next to the gun.

Yeah, gimme that
look in your eyes.

I wanna eat your ass.

Until I can--

[buzzer sounds]

Woo!

The K's ready!

MALE PROSTITUTE SOLICITOR: Until
I can taste your intestines.

I like how say he is.

He's always crying.

Boys are so much cuter
when they're crying.

Like on Rape Division when
that guy was crying afterwards.

What's that?

A TV show.

It's a really good show that
only deals with rape crimes.

Like the other night,
there was this fag cop

who was raped years
ago, and then he's going

at with his new boyfriend.

And they're fucking,
and he hears

the same moans-- the exact same
moans as the guy who raped him.

BRETT: Wow.

And people think
television is bad.

Like a movie or a play
is so much better.

It's higher on the
scale-- but it's not.

It's just that you
have a lifetime,

you have a lifetime to watch the
characters change all around.

You can't do that with a movie.

I never thought
about it like that.

You're smart.

SIMON: How'd you
get your black eye?

Rehab.

How'd you get yours?

Whoa!

Shh, shh!

Get some lube!

[struggling noises]

I'm gonna come real fast.

I'm gonna come real fast.

You're-- ow!

Ow!

Ow, Ow!

Can I have some of this?

Thank you.

All right, all right.

All right.

OK.

That's looks pretty good.

You're ripping my--

[struggling noises]

You know, I don't
have to be doing this.

Wait a minute.

I really don't, you know.

This is all just
life experience.

I don't need this.

See, I'm gonna be
a big rock star.

One day you'll see
my name in lights,

and you'll be able to say,
I sucked his fuckin' dick.

Aw, you two are
so fucking cute.

I got your game.

Thought you could sneak
a little fun without me.

Well fooled you.

I even got the
whole thing on tape.

So, uh, Simon, you, uh,
chargin' him for that I hope?

[laughter]

You have your period.

CONDUCTOR VOICEOVER:
Doors closing.

Kimball is next.

No, I can't.

I can't.

I have diarrhea.

Well what are you doing?

Why are we doing this?

Why am I even over here?

I told you I was going to
go see a movie with Jen.

I'm sorry.

What movie were
you going to see?

I don't know, she's deciding.

Can I come?

No, this is me paying
her back for getting

me another bag of pills.

Turn this shit off, you're
only watching it because the guy

takes off his shirt.

Will you let me watch
my stories, cunt?

Don't call me that.

I love how that word can
still get under girls' skin.

Like hole.

Hole is a good one too.

Like, shut up, hole.

It just deems a
woman to nothing.

She's nothing.

She's a void.

That's great.

Don't start acting
like you can't say cunt

just like you can't say fag.

Do you love me?

Was that supposed
to hurt my feelings?

Shut up, crazy hair.

All right, fag.

I wanna hear you say it.

[knocking]

JEN: We're gonna go.

We're talking.

I'll be out in a minute.

I can see why Evan's
friends with you.

Really?

You're not a happy person.

Gimme one of those.

I only have three left.

Three?

You could at least lie
and say you only had one.

Gimme one.

Give me one.

And I'm the unhappy one.

It's OK.

I've come to terms with it.

I was happy for a little
while, before my mom died.

For a little while
everything came

together in a way
that made me forget

about everything else sucked.

It's OK.

I'm OK with being unhappy.

JEN: When did your
mom die again?

Three and a half years ago.

You know, I was depressed
way before she too.

All right?

And I fucking hated her.

And now everybody's
like, oh, poor Rem,

he's so sad because
his mom's dead.

And I'm just, fuck her,
she did it on purpose.

I'm not going to
let her fuck me up

from beyond the grave with that
passive-aggressive bullshit.

You know, no matter
what you do, you're

always just either a happy
person or an unhappy person.

And there's nothing
you can do about it.

Don't listen to what Oprah says
about finding your spirit--

it's bullshit.

It's like how fat people
never lose weight, ever.

It's like those two
schmucks over there.

Who, Simon and Evan?

Yeah.

Simon has always been like,
oh, if only I could find

a boyfriend, I'd be so happy.

So he meets Evan, and he's
happy for like a second,

and then he's right back
to being depressed again.

So Simon's unhappy with Evan?

Simon's just unhappy, period.

Does Evan know this?

Who doesn't know about this?

Look, I don't wanna talk
about this any more, OK?

Just read your fuckin' magazine.

Come on!

God.

You're so fucked up.

Oh, I'm fucked up?

Dude, We're not talking
about how fucked up I am.

That's been established.

We're talking about
how fucked up you are.

And let me tell you I
don't even understand

why this guy is still around.

He's a freak.

No one else is into it.

He's into it.

He gets it.

Shut up.

I know you think he's gross,
but he's giving and he's smart.

What?

No, he's not smart.

Don't you dare say he's smart.

You don't get it.

No, I do get it.

Why don't you just dump him?

Your life is not a TV show.

You don't get it.

Why would anyone want their
life to be like a TV show?

I mean, at least
aim for a movie.

[phone ringing]

Pick up the phone.

Hey Rem.

Yeah, it's Brett.

Yeah, um, I'm going
need some help.

No, no.

Oh yeah, coke's fine.

Coke's fine.

Coke's good.

OK.

Soon.

Yeah.

OK.

Mm-hmm.

OK, bye.

Oh, yeah.

Coke's cool.

Coke's cool.

[rock music playing]

EVAN: Simon!

Simon, now.

You like them fat
and long and white.

And that's how I'm
gonna make them for ya.

OK.

You wanna go first?

Yes.

[laughter]

It's like candy from a baby.

Ah, that feels good.

Phew!

This one's starring Aidan Shaw--
that's, like, the same guy

from Sex and The City.

I better-- do you
think that guy's hot?

You're talkative.

Oh, he shuts up on it.

I don't why.

It just make me talk
and talk and talk.

Hey, are we going out tonight?

You wanna go out?

Yeah, I don't care.

Wanna come with us?

Oh my god, that's
almost as good as mine.

Let it go, Evan's
picking me up.

Look at this cock!

Oh, I'm sorry--
did you want-- OK.

See ya.

See ya.

OK, just one more.

EVAN: I mean I'm not
doing this for me.

I'm doing it for you.

Jesus.

I mean I know, it's probably
none of my business,

so I don't-- just shut up about
it, it's none of my business.

I don't even know.

I don't even know
what I'm saying.

But I just, you know, work today
was really annoying and stuff,

I don't know.

Simon, your nose is bleeding.

I'm sick of not being happy.

So we'll get some tissue.

Don't get it on
the upholstery, OK?

There's some
Kleenex in the back.

You get it?

Simon, watch out.

Simon!

[cars honking]

[car beeping]

SIMON: Can I fuck you?

Can I fuck you?

That's not hot.

That's just not hot.

I mean, if you want to
do it, then just do it.

Just fuck 'im.

I like it when a guy looks
at me-- and he looks at me,

and he wants me so bad.

He thinks I'm so beautiful that
he doesn't care if I wanna fuck

or not.

A pussy will just
settle for cuddling.

A real man takes it.

A real man will rape you.

[piano playing]

[choir singing]

AUNT JUSTINE: Jeremy?

What?

AUNT JUSTINE: How are you?

Aunt Justine.

AUNT JUSTINE: It is
so good to see you.

Yeah.

AUNT JUSTINE: How've you been?

Oh, we missed you at Christmas.

Yeah well I kinda
had other plans, so--

You talk like a girl.

AUNT JUSTINE: Hey, stop that.

This is your cousin.

Yeah well I'm kind of
on my way somewhere, so--

Oh, I'm not letting
you get away that easy.

Nope, sorry, I gotta go.

Come have lunch.

Oh, there's a message
on the machine from Rem.

He called three times this week.

He wants you to call him.

Are you gonna call him?

I will.

EVAN: I'm gonna take a bath.

What do you want for breakfast?

Surprise me.

SIMON: Evan, I
can't make pancakes.

I don't care, just
make something else.

SIMON: Well what do
you want me to make?

I don't give a damn,
just make something.

Jeez.

[man singing]

Wait, what's your major?

Psychology.

I was thinking maybe I could
go into youth counseling.

[laughter]

What?

You'd probably molest them.

Well maybe I could just
counsel the ugly kids.

I hate kids

That's just because you
have to make them up all day.

I miss my days at I Win TV.

Do you ever see him?

Who, Evan?

Yeah.

No.

REM: I saw him last night on TV.

He's selling anti-telemarketing
equipment now.

I tried calling them
like six months ago,

but Simon never called me back.

They're in happy couple land.

Fuck that.

I hate happy people.

[boopy electronic music playing]