Interviewing Monsters and Bigfoot (2019) - full transcript

All right, all right!

I knew she was your sister!

But come on, man, I ain't the
only one been ridin' that bus.

You're the forest ranger here.

You swore to protect
everything in these woods.

She had to have anal
rejuvenation surgery

'cause of you.

Forest Ranger Billy
Teal,

my childhood friend and
more recently my nemesis.

What we done...

Fran Andersen.



Without him, this story would
be a lot more believable.

Was perfectly legal
consensual sexual behavior.

She may be over 21,
but she's not all there

and you know it.

Using your glasses was her
idea.

I'm gonna shoot
you

in your smart mouth Andersen

so you can't tell anyone what
you did.

And who the hell am I
gonna tell?

I ain't even from around here.

I told you to stay out of
these woods.

And I warned you about my
sister.

That's my honey.

Dammit, sorry, buddy.



Relax, killer, feel it.

There she is, the
only woman I ever loved.

My wife, Carla.

What I can feel, honey,
is you rubbing your junk

up against me?

My junk?

Don't you mean my cuddly little
kitty?

Shoot those cans,
tiger.

You gonna let those cans
have their way with me?

Is that what you want?

The mother of your child
passed around and ravaged

by some lecherous cans?

Okay.

All right.

Oh, Professor.

You saved me.

There's nothing out here
that'll hurt you now, my love.

I love you.

It's dark.

Left brain wants some wine.

You know right brain's
thinking about something else.

Not now, Professor.

The law of survival states

that if I don't get me some
every day

right about this time, I will
die.

No, no, no.

You're not going to die.

You know the woods brings out

the beast in me.

Stop.

You go get some wine.

Go.

How did you ever turn into a
grown ass man

with your shit together with
that thing calling the shots?

Go!

Cory, is that you?

Who's there?

Hello?

Oh, damn, I knew you were gonna
do that.

Where have you been?

I was out communing with
nature.

What is that?

It's a turd.

Gross, why didn't you
just leave it in the woods

like the rest of the forest
creatures?

Why is it so big?

Honey, it didn't come out of
me.

Oh.

It also didn't come out of a
bear.

I wanna know what made this.

Did you taste it, Professor?

Sweetie, you know I
taste everything out here

except for my own pee.

Take the turd.

I don't really wanna take
turd.

No, take the turd,
it goes with the Merlot.

But I think you...

Take the turd.

Honey, honey, take the turd.

Thanks, you know the drill.

I'm gonna get some firewood.

- Mmm hmm.
- Love you.

- Mmm hmm.
- Love you.

Mmm hmm.

You're not gonna scare me again.

I'm gonna beat you with this
turd!

Stop messin' around!

Carla!

Carla!

Carla, no!

No!

You bastard!

No, you fucking bastard!

♪ They say I'm gonna have to do ♪

♪ And you know it's sad but true ♪

♪ But there's worst things
somebody ♪

♪ Mighty love, already know it's
true ♪

♪ We said work ♪

♪ I do believe in ♪

♪ Work work ♪

♪ Doesn't believe in ♪

♪ Now I don't believe ♪

♪ Said I believe ♪

♪ Bigfoot doesn't believe ♪

Gotta
get your stuff there anyways.

Hey, Gloria!

Let me get you home.

- It's not your fault!
- Hello!

- Bye girls.
- Bitch, gimme back my wig!

Bitch, gimme back my wig.

♪ Baby ♪

I need my wig back.
♪ How you sing ♪

Gimme this damn thing!

You be nice, huh?

Larry.

- How are ya?
- Oh no you don't.

It's time to go.

Gloria Teal,

my best research assistant

and the daughter I never had.

And that's her daughter, Cassie.

Come on, Cassie, help Mommy.

♪ I like to swing, wear my boots ♪

♪ High heel cowboy boots ♪

♪ There's nothing you
can do that I can't ♪

♪ And I believe in sleeping man ♪

♪ And crazy plans ♪

Pastor Evans, you're a mess.

Yes, I am.

And you peed your pants.

Yes, I did.

You don't
need any more of that.

Did I tell you
Casey's coming home?

I guess he'll
be staying at the house?

He can sleep with the
interns.

You sure he's not gonna mind

us being there?

You guys are
the best damn assistants

I ever had next to Carla.

I have
something really important

I need to talk to you about,
okay?

Okay.

Oh.

There you go.

Yep, right there, let it out.

There you go.

Oh, you want me to hold your
hair for you?

Easy, Grandpa.

You're gonna break a hip or
something.

Hey, Professor Mathis.

I have something really
important to talk to you about.

Just let me sit.

- Let me sit.
- You can sit.

Just sit.

Come on, just tell me.

That little girl in there.

I love that little
girl.

That little girl in there

might be your granddaughter.

I knew it!

Woo hoo!

- I'm not 100% for sure
- I knew it!

- but I'm pretty positive.
- You hear that now?

What's happening?

What's going on?

This is so freakin' great.

You are my
granddaughter.

I knew it all along, honey.

Come here and give grandpa a
hug.

Professor, you smell!

The first Bigfoot
sighting was awful fantastic

made by Leif Ericson, upon
reaching the new world.

But I guess we'll never
really know the truth.

Certainly not this time, my
friends.

So buckle your seatbelt,
our story's about to unfold.

I'll tell you a tale
what's never been told.

I am Professor Cory Mathis

and I was completely unprepared

for the public spectacle
my life would become

after the event.

We're never prepared for the
things we expect to happen,

let alone the things we can't
explain.

♪ Heaven is when I get back with
my baby ♪

Your a-hole ex was
just here.

He said he'd never come
back to this shit hole.

We had to remind him why
this shit hole hates him.

This whole town is insane.

♪ Be online with ♪

Hey, whoa, whoa,
whoa.

You better step away from
me, you sad sack of shit.

Have you even considered shit.

I may have let it slip to your
homo ex

about me an' you hookin' up...

Uncle Billy.

♪ It's no sin and no
lie that I have done ♪

Somebody needs to fix that
rug.

♪ Though we shoot in Hollywood ♪

♪ I always stay ♪

Cleanup on aisle three.

Jean.

Coffee please, okay?

I warned you about that Mathis.

Well, hi, nice to see
you, too, Uncle Billy.

Some guy almost got
caught in one of his traps

in the woods, just last week.

Damn near ripped his leg off.

Someone gets really hurt out
there,

you'll be heading to jail.

Why aren't you wearing your
glasses?

I got into a rub with
that skunk Fran Andersen

and I shoved 'em up his ass.

You have been after him for a
year.

Right up in his freakin' ass.

Can you just leave him alone?

You want me to leave him
alone?

He's been sneaking into my
house, molesting my sister.

Auntie Sissy?

No one's doing anything to
her that she doesn't want.

He gave her the crabs.

She didn't want that.

Then I got 'em.

Well, maybe you should
stop taking her dirty clothes

out of the laundry hamper.

Yeah well, what do you want me
to do?

She keeps the clean stuff locked
up.

Do you need anything else,
Billy?

Maybe later.

Aren't you gonna say hi to
your daddy?

Hey, Frank.

Jeanie, we're ready
to order.

Okay, so, what about the
Professor?

Can't you at least leave him
alone?

You guys used to be friends.

Look, Gloria, you're my
favorite niece

and I know you work for the
Professor.

But I'm sworn to protect
everything in that forest.

Every bird, squirrel,

tree, rock, gerbil.

- Okay, Uncle Billy.
- Lion, tiger...

I understand.

Mexican.

The Professor and
Fran are not gonna stop

until they find the creature

and clear the Professor's name.

There's no monster
in those woods, period.

Jeez, this whole town is crazy.

♪ I'm working till whatever's on ♪

Crud, there's Andersen now.

Andersen!

I haven't seen you since the
funeral.

And you're not gonna talk?

No one cares about
your stupid monster hunt, Dad.

Look, I need your help.

I'm that close to proving
my side of the story.

Story?

There is no story.

It's just people thinking
that you're crazy

when you start talking
about monsters or UFOs.

Well, they can think I'm
crazy.

I know the truth.

I just don't understand why
you couldn't have just said

it was a bear or something.

It wasn't a bear.

Want some of this?

Yeah.

It doesn't matter
what people think anyway.

No, actually, you're wrong.

'Cause around here it does
matter

what people think about you.

You know what I think?

I think you take yourself
way too seriously.

It's always, me, me, me, with
you.

And it's always you, you, you,
with me.

Look, I loved your
mother with my whole heart.

You know I never once made her
cry.

She was an amazing woman.

No one believed me.

All the evidence just washed
away.

So, you shot a squirrel's tail
off?

It's out there right
now.

The monster?

No, the tailless
squirrel.

You can't
take anything seriously.

That'll give 'em
something to talk about.

People think people like us
are wacko.

Hell, until it happened to me,

I thought people

- like us are wacko.
- We're not just

some lazy trailer trash claiming

- to see it, okay.
- Lilly, how do you know

it's just not

a frickin' hunter that didn't
shave?

No, I know a hunter when I see
one.

Went to go get a pizza
when this big thing

crossed the road in front of us.

It was reddish and way
too big for a bear or a dog.

- It was walking on two legs.
- When our headlights hit it,

it just dove into the bushes.

I was like, oh my God!

I want a picture for my page.

I want a picture for my page.

So, I move forward

thinking I could get a
back shot of whatever

- it was running off.
- And all of the sudden,

- the thing jumps forward.
- But it wasn't running.

- It was just hiding
- And then hit the doorknob

- In the bushes.
- And knocked my phone

right out of my hands.

LI slammed the truck into gear,

but it had hold of the truck.

I took one of the pizza
boxes, tried beatin' it.

You beat it with a pizza box?

That's when he finally let go.

When we drove off, I could
see him standing there

banging on his chest

and screaming like a wild man.

Hey, did we tell you

about the orange jumpsuit?

Yeah, it was wearin'
a big ol' orange jumpsuit.

Let's do it right here.

That's the one.

Thanks.

Now stay right there.

There we go.

Okay.

Good?

How's that, is that good?

- Yeah, yeah, it looks good.
- All right.

Hey, whatcha doing?

We're setting up game cameras.

You're not gonna shoot a
poor little animal, are you?

Oh no, no.

I'm Professor Cory Mathis
from the university.

I'm Professor Cory Mathis
with the university.

I'm researching.

Is that your daughter?

Cassie, no, no, that's,

no, that's not my daughter, no.

Grandpa, can I have a
word with you, like now?

Just um, it's good to meet
you.

Seriously, kiddo, you're
cramping my style, okay?

Can't you see she's pretty cool?

Oh, yeah, she's cool all
right.

What color are her eyes?

Her eyes?

Can't you see what she's
trying to do?

She's distracting you.

She's trying to dig for
information.

She's probably some,
like, government spy lady.

What?

Sure, she's out here
all alone, not lost,

hiking with a wardrobe
malfunction.

Yeah, that's real easy to
believe.

It's not a wardrobe
malfunction, okay?

She's out here hiking, it's
super hot,

she bent down to unbutton
and cool off a little bit.

A bit?

If she loses another button

something is gonna start nesting
in there.

Get rid of her.

Now!

Sissy, I hate to ask you this
and all

but I really need that sack.

You know I can't do that sack.
I mean...

Billy would kill me.

That's his prize possession.

This is Sissy Teal,

Gloria's aunt and Ranger Teal's
sister.

The sack they're talking about
once belonged to a Sasquatch.

That's scientific evidence.

It deserves to be in a lab
gettin' tested,

not sittin' on some weirdo's
shelf.

Now, it really means a lot to
me, Sissy.

Please, I'll do anything.

Anything?

Anything, just name it.

Marry me?

Hold this.

Now listen, as soon as
you gimme that sack,

I'll call Pastor Evans
and I will marry you.

Yes, yes, yes.

In the dishwasher?

That's gross.

I am sure we gotta go this
way.

You positive?

- Yeah.
- You're sure.

Yeah, positive.

All right, let's go.

I think it might work.

Stop.

I mean it feels
dangerous.

Everything you're
thinking

and feeling right now, stop.

You know how they do
that on TV

when they light their farts?

No.

Do you think that
works?

No.

- I wanna try it.
- No.

It's just gonna be,

it's just gonna be, it's gonna
be cool.

Lexi!

Where's your
scientific curiosity?

Come on.

There is no
scientific curiosity.

- I know what happens.
- I'm gonna check it out.

- Check it out.
- Now quit, Lexi.

Please stop before
you kill us.

No, it'll be fine, just
see.

Knock it off.

Don't do it again!

I feel a really big one
coming.

Jesus, it stinks!

One more time.

Lexi, don't do it
again!

Oh my God, get out!

Get out, get out, get out!

Now!

Lexi!

I'm sorry, I'm sorry,
I'm sorry!

What did I tell you?

- I'm sorry!
- What did I tell you!

- I'm sorry!
- You never listen!

Oh my God, I didn't
know it was gonna do that!

Let's see.

What did I say?

What did I say?

Just 'cause it's on TV doesn't
mean it's always right!

The hell?

♪ Ah ♪

Are you sure these
are the right coordinates?

♪ Ah ♪

Okay, yeah.

Wow, yeah.

Lexi, look!

Oh my God, look.

It's tracks, it's everywhere.

Some sort of Sasquatch patch.

Ah.

♪ Ah ♪

I were you, I would hold
off on making those casts.

Why?

What is that?

That is what's been
making all of your tracks!

We've been hoaxed!

It's not funny, come on.

It's really good!

Come on!

It looks real!

Kill that alarm.

Gimme some room.

You heard the Professor, back
on up.

What is that?

It moves like a skunk ape.

What's it carrying?

Everybody knows Sasquatch
use tools now, Professor.

It's a sledge hammer.

Oh, shit.

It's the ranger.

There's no monster, you
assholes.

Anybody want a martini?

Shit!

♪ Ah ♪

Hello?

Uh, hey, it's Gloria.

I heard you were back in town.

Are you there?

♪ Ah ♪

How'd you know I was back?

Look, I, can
I come by and see you?

I have something I need to tell
you.

What?

Just tell me now.

How much is this again?

37.50.

Look I'll come by there around
noon, okay?

Listen, I'm really busy right
now.

I'm elbow deep in work.

Can we talk about this later?

Hold on and don't move.

This is gonna hurt.

Oh my God!

Look at this thing!

Do you see the face?

Bigfoot would be jealous.

I mean, what about George
Shinehuff?

I mean it coulda been him.

Uh, your father did a
home DNA test a month ago.

They have home DNA
tests now?

Yeah, it's kinda like a
pregnancy test.

It's called Who's Your Daddy?

You the daddy.

You the daddy.

And if you have anything
else to ask about it,

why don't you go ahead
and ask her yourself?

She's been following
your page for a month.

If you and Mommy hook up,
I could be the Maid of Honor.

I mean, maybe.

I guess.

I hear you been creepin' on my
page.

Yeah, we all do.

You're funny, Daddy.

But some of the stuff your
friends say is kinda nasty.

Oh, and sorry you broke
up with your girlfriend.

I really don't think
she likes you anymore.

But you don't look "limp as a
noodle".

Kind of in shape I guess.

- Knock it off you two.
- Quit strugglin'.

Lexi let him go.

You know your hair
smells like Bigfoot's dick.

It's a damn lie.

You're lucky I got manners

otherwise I'd whoop the
shit outta you right now.

With that tiny winky?

I ain't scared.

Keep on talkin'.

♪ Ah ♪

Woo ooh.

Woo ooh.

Shut up!
♪ Ah ♪

You're gonna scare everything
away.

I swear to God, you are
so dumb you would fall

into a barrel of titties and
come out sucking your thumb.

Hoo ooh!
♪ Ah ♪

God!

That's what you get!

Come on, just stay focused.

Fuckin' swamp cracker.

Holy shit, that's a big foot.

Let's start with this one.

It's the best
one I've seen in a while.

Oh my God, they
go all the way up the hill.

Imagine that.

One time, back in 1967

a man named Patterson shot some
film

of a hairy beast.

He fooled experts and scholars
alike.

But did he really fool anyone?

And what about our hero,
is he just telling a tale?

There's more story that needs to
be spun.

Where in the hell she go?

Lexi, Lexi, where are
you?

Lexi!

Lexi!

Hey there.

Oh.

Hey, who the hell is
that?

Was that you making all that
noise?

Why you grab your gun for?

I don't know.

I just ain't too keen on
people sneakin' up on me

with a damn rifle.

That's mighty fine
work right there, buddy.

Seen my assistant?

Female, blonde hair.

She's out here somewhere.

She's got a camera in her hand.

- Runnin' around in the woods.
- Hey y'all.

I know every inch of this
forest.

I can help you find her if you
want me to.

Yeah, thanks.

We would appreciate your help.

What you doin' out
here?

I'm a Bigfoot hunter.

No shit!

No shit.

We doin' the same.

Fran Andersen.

Rick Dyer.

This here is Professor
Cory Mathis out of Missouri.

Hey, how you doin'?

I like that hat.

Thanks.

Well, so, you ever
find anything out here?

All the time, man.

That's why I stay out here.

I been out here a long time.

Anyway, I love that beard.

Oh, it's a cum catcher.

Lexi!

Lexi!

Lexi!

Lexi!

Fran, go up there and
check the outhouse for Lexi.

I'm gonna take the Professor
in here to show him the radios.

Maybe we can get in contact with
a ranger.

She can't be too far away.

Sounds good.

Fran, hurry back.

After you, Professor.

You live in here?

Lexi.

Lexi you in there?

Professor.

Rick.

Professor!

Professor, you in here?

I knew it!

Fran, shut the hell up.

Professor, that you?

Who the hell you think
it is, you dumb hillbilly?

How in the hell
we keep getting caught

in these situations?

Mornin' fellas.

Here's what I need you to do.

You're gonna take those duds off

and glue this fur all over your
body.

Serial hoaxer, Rick Dyer.

I should've let Fran shoot
his ass back in the woods.

Now you don't need to use too
much glue.

That stuff works pretty good.

We're not gonna glue
this shit all over us.

Have you lost your fuckin' mind?

How 'bout no!

If you don't start gluin'
in the next 10 seconds,

I'm gonna have my way with her
and blow

- her pretty little brains out.
- Help me, Professor.

All right, all right.

We'll do it.

Now start superin'.

Please.

Do a good job.

Cover it all nice and even.

Think teddy bear, nice and
cuddly.

He's got a fake-ass
Bigfoot in that damn freezer.

And trust me, he ain't got no
plans

on letting us tell anybody about
nothin'.

Pull them sacks off.

Pastor Evans?

Who the hell are you?

You crazy bastard.

You pissed your fur.

Get your ass outta here.

Go, go!

Beware
of the border patrol.

Come on, get out!

All right, godammit,
I'm coming.

Get your ass over there, go
on.

Lexi, Fran, is that
you?

No one's gonna believe
we're real Sasquatch

with this bullshit glued all
over us.

You think I wanna kill
you to have bodies to show?

That's messed up, man.

We're broadcasting a Bigfoot
snuff film.

We have it live all over the
planet.

Snuff film?

I ain't doin' anything with
that nasty cracker down there!

He's probably got

some kinda saber tooth
crotch crickets goin' on.

I see him scratchin' all the
time!

I'd rather do the cameraman.

Snuff films are about murder
not sex, you dumb skank!

We're using our all new

double NOT-76 video encryption
system.

Ain't no one gonna be able
to track us with this shit!

We're gettin' 850 a pop!

Huh, it's at 238 right now.

238, that's only $2,023.

This fucking fur and glue
probably cost that much.

A snuff film with this
kinda production value?

We're gonna make a killin' on
DVD sales.

Ain't that right, fat boy?

Damn, boy, we're gonna be
rich!

Yeah, ooh, woo!

I'll be gettin' payback
on your ass, Dyer,

I guarantee that.

Whatever you say, Andersen.

Now, get your ass going,
dickweed!

Y'all got 15 minutes

then I'm comin' after ya.

We're gonna be rich!

Hold
up, I twisted my ankle.

I thought they'd find us by now.

Those two dumbasses
couldn't find a safe space

on campus at UC Berkeley.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

You hear that?

Come on, come on.

Whoa!

Hey!

Help, help us!

There's no
monster, you assholes.

Was you injuns that stole
the land from the Sasquatch

when you brought your asses

over from Russia 10,000 years
ago.

You killed all of 'em off
and you killed them mammoths

and saber toothed tigers, too.

And that's a fact.

You're an idiot.

Got them little bitty
titties.

Yours is still little bitty.

I know somebody that likes my
problem.

I ain't gotta force it
in or spit on it as much.

What, do you think you
could just run around my town

intoxicated and naked?

We got decency laws around here.

Some freak in a green suit
darted us

and threw us in that dumpster.

I figured it was some type

of clandestine government agency

trying to cover this shit up.

Now, why would the
government wanna cover up

your dumpster orgy?

We talking about a damn
Bigfoot.

Those Men in Green make the
creatures

wear orange jumpsuits so people
think

they just hunters.

Baby, baby, baby.

Where are you, you
hairy freak?

I can smell ya from here.

You lookin' for me?

You sure got some purdy lips.

Okay, I'm gonna turn you in
for the $10 million reward,

how you like that, huh?

You just as cute as a baby
bunny.

Now, let's you turn around,

drop them draws, baby.

I'll be gentle, just for you.

Nah, I'm just messin' with ya.

What the fuck is...

Why ain't you been takin' my
calls?

I thought we may be able

to get to know each other
better.

Maybe go over to Stevie's
Burgers,

you know, hook up.

I, Ranger Billy Teal, have
been harassed

on several occasions,

both mentally and
sexually, in the workplace

by a monster in the woods.

In my section of the forest,
in the past few months,

I have been stalked, terrorized,

and humiliated without
provocation.

Um, yeah.

My big brother keeps getting
beat up

- in the woods by something
- Are you gonna

help me or not?

that technically doesn't
exist.

You're a ranger.

You can't go around talking
about monsters in the forest.

They're gonna fire you, bro.

I have to do something.

He can't get away with this.

Look, I rarely ask you for
anything.

Just listen and tell me

if it sounds official, okay?

What do you want me to do?

I want you to listen and tell
me

if it sounds official!

If you want me to help you,

you gotta tear up this piece of
paper.

Okay fine.

But if it happens again, I'm
going straight to headquarters

and I'm filing an official
report.

There he is.

Why can't we let the city
guys take care of this?

We have to take care of it.

Scoop him up!

No, that's a city raccoon.

It's a forest creature.

It's our responsibility to scoop
him up.

I'm pretty sure that's a city
raccoon.

Scoop him up.

All right.

Forest creature.

Andersen!

Andersen!

Stop!

How the hell are you
doing that, Andersen?

I got a big bladder.

I can go all day.

You better stay back.

I'm more than just a ranger
now, okay?

You don't even know who you're
messin',

fuck you, fuck.

Oh, God, God, it stinks.

What the fuck have you been
eating?

What the hell?

I told you coffee and cream.

We don't need no coffee or
cream, man.

We're both gettin' fat.

Now, come on let's get
the hell outta here.

- That little bastard
- Oh shit!

stole something from my room
last night

and I want it back.

Fran, if you took something
of his, just give it.

What were you doing at his house
anyway?

His sister.

He's got my sack.

Sack?

My Bigfoot balls.

You heard him right,

Bigfoot balls.

When we were kids, Billy
claimed that he cut the sack

off of a dead Bigfoot
and now Fran has them.

Those are scientific
evidence.

They don't need to be sittin'
on some freak's shelf.

They need to be in a lab gettin'
analyzed.

Aw, come on, Billy.

You still have the nut
sack?

Yeah, it's right around here
somewhere.

Man, Billy, what the
hell's wrong with you?

Why'd you take its balls?

I had to get some proof.

Dude, are
those your underwear?

Yeah, I had to hang them up
so I could find my way back.

Those are girl's underwear.

Wait, you wear your sister's
underwear, don't you?

Girls' underwear is more
comfortable.

All right, whatever,
where the hell is it anyway?

I swear, it was right here.

It was laying here dead as shit.

I cut his balls off with this
knife.

Just like the one that attacked
my mom

when I was a kid.

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh ooh.

- Billy, no, no.
- No, Mommy, we gottta

- kill the monster.
- No, Billy, no!

Are you okay?

It's okay, Billy.

I know you won't
understand this right now,

but that was your father.

You're 1/4 Bigfoot,

- Bigfoot, Bigfoot, Bigfoot.
- Hey, dipshit,

what the hell's wrong with you?

Hey, what the hell's
wrong with you, dipshit?

Dipshit!

Hey, dipshit!

Fran would you give him
back his Bigfoot balls?

They better both be in there.

Oh, let me see.

Oh, gross!

Touched my lips.

Here take this shit, you freak.

And if I catch you
around my sister again

you're gonna be sorry.

In 1924, a man was taken
captive.

The creature carried him some 30
miles

before he was let go.

They did unspeakable things,

too ugly to be told.

Maybe the same for our
forest ranger Billy Teal?

And when there's none
in the forest to hear,

do we keep it quiet or squirm
and squeal?

Yes, I'm here.

Hello, my
little doe.

How you been?

Hey, who the hell is this?

This is a government phone line.

It's me, baby.

Your friend from the forest
below.

I heard you been talking about
me

even though you promised you
wouldn't.

Got me feeling all hurt
and betrayed inside.

I thought I could trust
you with our little secret.

I didn't tell anyone.

Don't go lyin'.

I know right where you live.

You don't wannna get on my ugly
side.

Ranger Teal here.

I'm trapped in a tree.

My rifle's out of reach and my
sidearm's

in the truck.

I need help here.

You want your rifle?

I'm gonna turn you in for that
reward.

They're not gonna believe you.

Tell the commander I need
help.

And I'm just gonna come after
you.

Ranger Teal.

Let's talk about how you gonna
keep

- all these people
- Billy Teal.

outta my side of the forest.

What is it with you people?

I've told you a thousand times.

You know who I am.

As soon as that thing

caught my scent.

His thing stuck out from
under his fur full sail.

She always has this problem

with the males.

You know she has the oversized
lady mounds

or the EECT.

You know, extremely enlarged
camel toe.

We think this has something to
do

with all this male attraction.

I mean, it transmits some sorta
sex signal

all these male creatures
just find irresistible.

I mean, we can't hardly go
anywhere.

When we go to the park and
there's dogs following her around

trying to hump her leg and I'll
see women

shielding their children's eyes,

and a homeless guy tried
to grab at it one day.

Here's another true story.

We were out at that park that
day

and we had our blanket all
out, havin' a nice picnic,

eatin' our chicken,
everything's going just fine.

And outta nowhere comes
this tailless squirrel

and just runs right up and
just starts humpin' it.

I didn't know what to do!

I couldn't do anything about
it.

I mean, it was, it was just
there, and it was goin' at it.

And it, I couldn't, there was
nothing for me to grab onto.

It had no tail!

I, I couldn't even fling it off
of me.

I just, it kept trying to bite
me

every time I tried to grab it

and I, I just had to
wait until it was done.

I mean that was
my favorite pair of jeans,

I had to throw them away.

I mean, I, they were ruined.

I'm gonna fall.

Wow, you really
are strong for a banana.

Just walk!

Ow!

You wanna come
and help us or something?

- No.
- Gods sakes, somebody's

gotta show you dumbasses

how to put it together.

Fran's mom is so hairy,

he almost died of rug burns at
birth.

Don't mind Fran.

He's just mad 'cause his mama's
so hairy

her titties look like coconuts.

Fran's mama is so hairy
that Bigfoot went down on her,

had to be cut out!

You need more C4.

Hell'd you learn to make a bomb
at?

A drive-thru in Libya?

Are they gonna blow us all up?

Oh, I'm sorry, darlin',
I didn't mean to offend.

Keep touchin' me, keep
touchin' me I'm gonna detonate

the sumbitch right now.

Oh, all right.

- You see these?
- Do what you fuckin' want.

Those are motion detectors.

Now, when it comes into the
capture zone,

it's gonna trigger the charges

that makes the cage drop down.

Like the ACME Cage
Company?

Now, when that happens, it's
going to immobilize the beast

by throwing its tasers out.

What the hell is that?

This right here?

This is dirty gym socks,
bloody menstruation,

and the sweat of a woman.

Sasquatch finds it uber sexy.

Hell, we get it all from Gloria.

Oh, ow,
godammit!

Crazy bastards.

- Get this shit outta me!
- Hey guys,

it's not funny.

What?

You know those are barbed
tips.

Oh fuck!

I'm gonna have to cut 'em out.

Hey, can we get just a
little more focus here guys?

She's right, skankasaurus.

I told you not be bringing
these damn retards around here.

Somebody was gonna get hurt!

You have personal space
issues.

Okay, knock it off.

Get you some of that bitch!
Can we please

get the barbs out of Casey's
leg?

- Maybe?
- All right.

I want to do this.

This is gonna hurt.

You want something to bite on?

Are you insane?

You're insane!

You're crazy!

Everybody's fucking crazy!

Go ahead.

Check, Grandpa.

Not this time, kiddo.

No way.

Casey get me a martini,
nice and dry, no olives.

Actually, hold the vermouth,
too.

I'll get it.

Go.

I like it here.

I wanna live here.

I wanna raise my babies here.

Why didn't you tell me about
the kid?

The kid?

Your daughter?

Her name's Cassie.

And I don't know, I was 19.

You wanna know the truth?

I didn't know if she was yours.

But your father knew as
soon as he looked at her.

And I wanted to tell him,

and I wanted to tell your mom,

but I was scared, and I didn't
wanna ruin

your precious life.

You fucking happy?

Maybe you need to
give me another chance?

♪ Bought me a blue boutonniere ♪

♪ Wore a pretty pink gown ♪

♪ And you promised me pearls ♪

♪ Match my prom queen crown ♪

♪ You're a real big man ♪

♪ In your mama's minivan ♪

♪ Slipped off my shoes ♪

♪ Ruined my dress ♪

♪ Excited I guess ♪

♪ Still can hold your booze ♪

Hey!

Do you mind?

I am trying to sing a song here!

♪ 10 years, you still can't get
it right ♪

♪ We ain't makin' love, we fight ♪

♪ So, don't you get the
wrong idea about us ♪

♪ Don't you get the wrong idea ♪

♪ 'Bout what's going on here ♪

♪ Just because we're doing this ♪

♪ Doesn't not make you ♪

♪ An asshole or make me care ♪

Gloria, what
the hell are you doing?

What time is it?

You said you wanted a chance.

♪ Doesn't not make you an
asshole ♪

♪ Or make me care ♪

That's for making me
fall in love with you

in the first place.

And that's for running
off and not coming back.

That is for leaving
right after the funeral

- when your father...
- I swear to God,

if you slap me one...

Okay, so what is all this?

Is this you giving me a chance
now?

Well, you want some of this or
not?

♪ At night passing first the
fool ♪

♪ You ain't even hear that beat ♪

While Gloria and Casey
were getting reacquainted,

Fran and I slipped off to a
Florida swamp for an interview.

Woo ooh!

Woo ooh!

Man, I remember that
waterfall right there.

We gettin' close.

The same waterfall we
passed two hours ago.

No, Professor, it's
a different waterfall,

I promise you.

No, that's the same waterfall,
Fran.

I'm telling you I know

- what I'm talking about.
- Look.

Why don't you ever...

Look.

Doesn't that belong to you?

I guess it does.

Dammit.

Why couldn't you bury it?

Hey, Professor, if
that old witch catches us

trying to ambush one of her
swamp apes,

she gonna put the whammy on us.

(rifle clacking

Get them hands

up in the air.

Drop them packs and rifles.

Francois Andersen, is that you,
boy?

Hey now listen...

I told you not to be
coming back here, boy.

This here is Professor
Cory Mathis out of Missouri.

He's a Sasquatch researcher

and he's just got a few
questions for you.

- That is all.
- I oughta shoot

your ass right now.

We don't want any trouble at
all.

Now, I am a real Sasquatch
researcher.

I know you call them skunk ape
down here.

All I really wanna do is
come inside and meet you,

talk about your pets, that's
all.

All right then.

You come on in.

But don't you do anything
stupid.

How's that for
southern hospitality?

I think something died up
inside you.

Lactose.

Oh man.

Hey, can I ask you a question?

Why not go after the 10
million bucks bounty?

You could stay out here forever,

fix this place up and buy a ton
of grapes.

Is that why you're here?

No, ma'am, that's not why I'm
here.

All I really wanna do is expose
the truth.

That's why he's here.

Oh, come on now.

I thought we was past all that.

Dude, dude, come on.

Ma'am, no I don't, I don't need
the money.

I'm, I just wanna show the
truth.

You just enjoy this
tea and eat your chicken.

Thank you.

My babies will be around
shortly.

Here's to Sasquatch.

Yes, sir.

Man, this tea is good!

- Shh.
- What do you want?

It's got my arm again!

Come on.

Come on, Fran!

Fran!

The creature almost tore
Fran's arm off again

and we lost all our supplies.

Come out when

- they wanna time.
- It was time to limp back

the the Ozarks.

Real nice lady.

Her husband was

a double agent.

He worked for the CIA

but he was really working for
the KGB.

They're here, they're here!

Come on!

Grandpa.

Something's in the trap, we saw
it.

Oh yeah?

You sure it wasn't a bear?

It's in the trap!

I'm bushed.

Dad and I both saw it
before we lost the video feed.

It's bipedal but definitely not
a bear.

You didn't see it did
you?

Yeah, I saw it!

And I can't believe it.

It's in there and it's trapped

- and it's getting shocked.
- Okay.

Fran, I need you to organize the
crew.

Get the entrapment equipment
together.

Cassie, call your mom.

Tell her to prepare the
containment unit.

Let's go.

You guys have no idea
what you're going to face.

This thing has been
trapped and getting shocked

for the last 20 hours.

It's gonna be pissed.

If it's anything like what
Fran and I just encountered,

we have to be careful.

I'm here to capture it, not kill
it.

What are you guys standing
around for?

Let's go!

Cory.

Uncle Billy, hold still so
we can get you disconnected.

Stop calling me Uncle Billy,
godammit.

No family of mine is
stupid enough to hang out

with a bunch of quacks and
hoaxers.

Billy Teal, what the
hell you doin' in my cage?

No one is going anywhere
except jail.

I'm throwing all the books at
you.

Like taking 'em all off the
shelves.

Every single book at the library

and I'm just chucking 'em right
at ya!

Well, we're all gonna need
prison names.

We can call Fran Tossed Salad.

We can use the prison
bitch name generator online.

I'm gonna kill you.

Will you hold still
so I can frame this up?

Wait a minute.

Looks like we got us another
one.

How the hell'd

you get in there anyway?

I think he peed on me.

Take it off and take...

Billy, hold still and
we'll get you disconnected.

No, no, I love
it!

I'm covered with electrical
burns and bug bites.

I'm severely dehydrated.

They've had me off my meds for
two days.

You're supposed to be a
professional, a scholar.

I'm putting you on the U.S.
Forest Service no-use list

of Mark Twain Forest.

You brought all this on
yourself, Cory.

Professor Mathis,

as you know, Ranger Teal
was seriously injured

while you were conducting

your university-sanctioned
experiments

in the Mark Twain Forest.

You should be careful
what you say right now.

You know how I got hurt.

Gentlemen, please.

This board hasn't sanctioned
anything in the forest.

Billy, you've really
taken it too far this time.

Professor, please.

You are being indicted
on assault, conspiracy,

and poaching on federal
property.

The university has no reason to
believe

the work you are doing in the
woods

is for your modified corn
research

and we are assuming that
you haven't been using

your funding for that.

You don't understand.

Why is a professor of
agricultural genetics

wasting university funding
to search for turds

in the forest?

But it sure as hell
don't belong to Bigfoot.

Okay, all right, Burns.

The most compelling
evidence of all involves

the sequencing of mitochondrial
DNA which proved 100% human.

My neck was nearly broken in
two.

My hands are burnt up.

President Burns, can you do
something

about the projector please?

We have no alternative.

To what?

We are asking for your
resignation, effective immediately.

And fire me?

Just like that?

Yep.

How'd I do?

Perfect.

Blanket the town with these.

We need to shut the forest down.

Yes, sir.

Uncle Billy,
you stop right there!

What do you want, little boy?

I would like to speak
to you about the charges

brought against Professor
Mathis.

Wait, who are you?

Are we related?

Don't act like you
don't know me, Billy Teal.

I'm here to demand that
you drop the charges

against my grandfather,
Professor Mathis.

Mathis is a dangerous
lawbreaker.

I spent nearly 20 hours
in one of his traps.

No food, no water, no
sandwiches.

That was unfortunate.

He coulda brought me a
sandwich.

But I know you trapped
yourself on purpose.

I saw you in the video.

You're just trying to
sabotage us for no reason.

I'm a certified agent
of the U.S. government.

You can't speak to me
like that, all right, kid.

Now stay out of my forest.

Missouri Fish

and Ornithology, just
a glorified Girl Scout

out littering the forest
with no littering signs.

Do you even have a permit
to post those flyers?

You are something else!

Think you know everything, don't
ya?

Guess what, you don't know
diddly squat!

Well, I know things
about you, Billy Teal,

like you do nasty things

- online, weird things.
- What, what?

How would you like it

if I sent this hacked
material to Wikileaks?

You can't blackmail me.

I can and I will unless
you drop those charges,

Billy Teal, and start acting
like family.

Man, you got a smart mouth.

What I do in my free time is my
business.

I'm an adult, K?

Adults do what they wanna do.

Smart mouth?

Yes, I may have a smart
mouth only because I think

before I speak.

You do whatever you like,
little fella.

Hey!

That's littering!

I could give you a citation for
that.

In 2001, I was a firefighter.

There was a terrible fire

on the Arkansas-Missouri border.

We found an animal

that was badly burned.

It was big like a bear

but it wasn't a bear.

We wrapped it in wet towels.

We did everything we
could to try and save it

but it didn't make it.

The vet got all freaked out
working on it

like it was just way too human.

He demanded a doctor to come in.

He said, "This ain't no animal."

Was it wearing orange?

It was nothin' like that
Patterson film.

And then they took me to this
room where a medical panel

tried to explain to me how
burns could disfigure a bear

to look like a human.

And then these guys in green
showed up

and forced me to sign paperwork

that said what I saw indeed a
fried bear.

You know, kinda like
those Men in Black guys.

Why is your car so
loud?

Driver, shut the vehicle
off and step out now!

After a while, they started
accusing me

of starting the fire.

Do you need me to call the
cops?

After interrogating me for two
days,

they finally let me go.

Driver, shut it off!

It was a classic coverup.

There's an
urgent top secret mission

and I think you're ready for it.

The report here shows that
you deal pretty regularly

with a special resident in your
forest.

Resident?

A special
resident.

Oh, yeah, you mean Bigfoot.

I can tell I can count
on you to handle this.

Anything to be part of the
team.

Billy, have you seen my blue
underwear?

Sis, I'm on the phone.

According to our intel
there are two more residents

expanding their territory.

I haven't seen...

For the safety of the
public and the program,

we need you to take them out.

Take them out?

We need you to liquidate the
residents.

You do this and I'll put a
recommendation

to bring you into MIG.

Now, how does that sound, Agent
Teal?

Did you say agent?

Don't let me down.

Hey, dipshit.

We got a text you needed
You-Ber.

No,
don't need a You-Ber.

Go away.

You're still paying
for us driving out here.

Yeah, and I gave your
service a one-star rating.

Oh, and driver arrived drunk.

- Drunk?
- Drunk, my ass!

I don't like you.

I don't like you.

Soon as you go back to
Chicago, me and your girlfriend

will be laying down together.

You know that, big boy?

Leave Gloria out of this.

Make me.

What the hell
did you do that for?

That was really, really, cold,
man.

A sucker punch.

Never saw that shit comin'.

I think I just got a chubby.

I think we just saw you grow
into a man

right here before our eyes.

Okay, I'm sorry.

I just need a ride.

I gotta find my dad

and I said some really
crappy shit to Gloria.

Well, get in, bro.

Really?

Oh, we're all friends now and
shit.

You know, you gotta be careful

not to hurt the ones you love.

See, we're not bad
people.

We're happy to give
you a ride.

Good luck, dipshit!

And we better get a good review
or we're gonna take a dump

on your front porch.

Wait, my bag!

I'm gonna take a dump on your
porch!

This whole town's crazy.

Get over it.

#Dipshit.

♪ When I get back in my baby's
arms ♪

♪ Hell, that's when I
have to shake the time ♪

♪ In my years and neon lights ♪

♪ And all night bars ♪

What are you doing?

♪ I will get a little
heaven's on my mind ♪

Feeling sorry for myself.

Look at those assholes.

They're talking about me.

Who gives a shit about them?

They don't understand what
you're doin'.

♪ Well I couldn't ♪

♪ I couldn't wait there ♪

This isn't about proving some
creature

walks around in the woods, all
right?

♪ This has been the
life that I've chosen ♪

This is about the people
that are around you,

who understand you, and believe
in you.

I believe in what you're doin'.

I believe in you, Dad.

Screw those jealous bastards.

♪ Well, I know, I couldn't ♪

You know what?

I'm gonna find that creature
and I'm gonna kill it.

Come on.

♪ This has been the life ♪

- ♪ That I have chosen ♪
- Go get 'em, Cory.

This ignorant no good
piece of fuckin' shit!

We just bought this
thing like two days ago!

Mom, I told you

a hundred times, it's not my
baby.

Yeah, all right.

Love you, bye.

Dammit, Simon, dammit, Simon.

Goddammit, look what the hell
you did!

Damn, you got blood

on my shirt.

On your shirt!

You cut off my thumb!

Go to the truck, some duct
tape, and some super glue.

It's not the first time
you cut something off.

I'll cut something

- of yours off!
- And it sure as hell

won't be the last.

And you forgot your thumb.

Kiss my ass.

Don't be such a pussy
about it.

Gimme the tape, tape.

Gimme the damn tape!

More tape, come on.

Gimme a damn wipe.

Hurry up!

There he is with our
money.

Now I maybe get some stitches.

Well, well, well.

If it isn't douche and bag.

'Bout time you got here.

What'd you do to your thumb?

Well, you cut it off,
you glue it back on.

Same shit, different day.

Here you go.

What the hell is this?

You said a thousand dollars.

It's in the bear, asshole.

Ah.

Do you think this is
gonna be big enough?

Why do you think that green suit
guy

is so secretive about all this?

Damn, look what you made me
do.

You made me sew my fingers
together.

I didn't do anything.

You're the one

- that cut my thumb off!
- You sure as hell did.

You made me lose my
concentration, that's what!

The only thing you can
concentrate on

is pushin' a fart out.

I don't know why I signed
on on this frickin' job.

Could be back at home watching
football.

Instead I'm tramping
around the fuckin' woods

looking for a goddamn Bigfoot.

What's up, little fella?

What happened to your tail?

Bigfoot get it?

Oh shit, that MIG was right.

There's two of them.

I shoulda brought my glasses.

Oh, fuck.

Oh fuck.

Oh fuck.

He never smiles.

Ranger Teal's saying one of
you

put the Shinehuff's up to it.

To what, getting shot?

He said you claim there's
a human-like creature

living in the woods and
you had the Shinehuffs

dress up like Bigfoot

to collect the $10-million
bounty.

And you're in a big pile of bear
shit

unless you start answering our
questions.

Nobody's accusing you of
anything.

We're just trying to
find out what happened.

Someone reported seeing Fran
Andersen

hand the Shinehuff brothers an
envelope

filled with cash the other day.

That's the most ridiculous
thing I ever heard.

An envelope full of cash?

How 'bout an envelope full of
$23,

payment for them fools mowing my
lawn.

You could be headed to federal
prison.

You know what happens to
a guy like you in prison

on the first day?

10 Bigfoot-sized, unshaven
convicts do you up the ass

just to see the look on your
face.

Okay, I think we're done here.

If you hear anything just let us
know.

Fuckin' weasel.

You know he's crazy, right?

Where do you find these people?

Next thing you know

you start hearing fucking
stick butts and shit

and you can see his eyes

and I'm sitting under the tree

waiting on a Bigfoot to come
out.

Don't shoot this motherfucker.

God!

Ow!

Police showed up in
time to stop the bleeding

and they rushed me

to the hospital where them
doctors

down there, they sewed
my arm back on and such.

I mean I even got a little bit
of movement

in my fingers right now.

Dude, there's nothin'
wrong with this footage.

All we need is to hire three
actors,

fur 'em up, and shoot the
reverse.

How you figure that?

We don't even have anything.

All we have is stuff of them
running off.

How we gonna pay back our
investor.

My uncle's pissed!

You two have to be the
dumbest idiots on the planet.

A Bigfoot snuff film, really?

I'm Agent Jones with the
U.S. Secret Forest Service.

I'm going to give you a chance

to work for us and avoid going
to prison.

You don't wanna go to prison do
you?

Our first target will be Cory
Mathis.

Some people call him the
Professor.

Have I told you

about my plan B?

If my show doesn't blow
up, I will begin production

of my flatulence filtered
underwear.

You're gonna make fart
filtering underwear?

Yeah, just for women.

Normal lace panties

with my patented built-in
carbon filtered insert.

There'll be three flavors to
choose from:

lavender, lilac, and French
vanilla.

And who doesn't like French
vanilla?

Chocolate
wouldn't be good, buddy.

I'm calling it Dior-deizer.

I already have the name
trademarked

and the website secured.

Here's my tagline.

Dior-deizer, putting your
best scent out there.

He did what with the
rabbit?

I think I see our target.

Get ready.

Holy Jesus.

Ya fuckin' lunatic!

What the hell's going on?

My name is Director Loretta
Best.

You double crossing weasel.

He's the one that set me up.

No one set you up.

You eliminated the wrong target.

What the hell is this all
about?

I'm not a killer.

We can clean this whole mess
up for you.

We just need you to be on board.

We're gonna give you a clean
record, promotion to MIG,

and a $5-million bonus.

We still believe in you.

We're putting in motion a plan

that will end their monster
hunt.

What about my brother?

Same deal for him.

Mr. Smith here will fill
you in on the details.

Do you have any questions for
me?

You're makin' me a Man in
Green?

Awesome!

Okay, so if we're the Men in
Green,

and you're the Woman in Green,
W-I-G,

that makes you the big wig?

You're the big wig.

Get to work, gentlemen.

She's the big wig, right?

Is that a poly blend?

What?

I just met with the MIG guys.

We have their guarantee
for full agent status.

That's $10 million,

five million each.

All right, there's no frickin'
way I'm wearing this thing.

You just need to draw them
out.

I'll take care of Andersen.

And MIG, they'll create
a hoax, bump off Mathis,

take care of the rest.

What do you mean a hoax?

That's what they do.

They cover up everything
by creating hoaxes.

They create a fake UFO sighting,

then they cover up the real one.

It's freakin' brilliant.

What about Gloria?

No harm can come to her.

Hmm, they've guaranteed
immunity for her.

It's Andersen they want.

All right, Billy, I'll
do it, but if I get shot,

you're gonna have to live
with it the rest of your life.

You wanna get ice cream?

You're payin' this time.

Can I borrow five bucks?

Funny.

I've got a video on my phone
of a creature in the forest.

It is most certainly Bigfoot.

Well, why don't you go ahead

- and let me take a look
- Yeah?

at what you got there?

You see
this?

What is this, boy?

You mean to tell me you got
footage

of a Bigfoot takin' a dump?

What's the deal with that
rabbit?

Let me guess.

Bigfoot used that bunny
to wipe his ass with?

That's exactly what he did.

And I know footage like
this is worth a lotta money.

So, I need to make sure
that I'm sharing it

with somebody that I can trust.

Uh, you ever had Missouri
Boiled Beef?

No, I
haven't.

You in for a treat, boy.

Right this way.

All right,
all right.

Why don't you go ahead
and give it a stir.

There's enough meat in
there to feed an army.

Almost.

Pastor Evans, Pastor Evans!

What's going on here?

- Step aside.
- What is going on?

What is going on, Pastor Evans?

Step aside.

I'm only gonna tell you one
time!

Pastor Evans, are you all
right?

Pastor Evans!

Comment.

It's racism is what it is.

- It's religious profiling.
- You get over here!

The first amendment of the
Bible

says that a man of God shouldn't
be

- treated like this.
- Shut your ass up!

I don't need no fake
news reported on me.

I'll tell you my story.

Your story.

Pastor Evans!

You let me out of here!

Let me outta here!

Pastor Evans!

Let me out.

Pastor Evans!

Pastor Evans, you let me
outta here, Pastor Evans.

Well, that's not good.

He's goin' to jail.

Ranger Bobby, make
sure you wear the suit.

I want this to be our
best hoax coverup yet.

I want you to take Mathis out.

You read me, Dryer?

We need some of that tracer
ammo.

Yeah.

That scares the pee outta
people.

Hey, Don, tell Melania it's
gonna be fine.

Nothing to worry about.

Yeah, we'll get the
kids together sometime.

Make it great.

Talk to you later.

Gotcha, you bastard!

Yes, I'm comin' to get your ass!

Fran?

What's goin' on?

Fran took off alone.

The camera is down at the trap.

Jesus.

I think my
balls got fused together.

Suppose you want out of there?

This better work.

I got burns all over me.

Dad's in town.

We need to act fast!

Grandpa needs our help!

Cassie, you are gonna stay
here

and you're gonna man the
monitors.

Do you understand?

Get up here now!

Thank you, very much.

- I love you, go.
- We are wasting time here.

You know what, James,
why don't you shut up

and make sure this time
you don't get trigger happy

and shoot something
you're not supposed to.

Hey, we're not stupid, you
know.

Who is that?

This?

Yeah.

This is my boyfriend
Jamal.

Bring it in, baby.

His grandmother made it
with a Bigfoot in 1960.

Nevermind, nevermind.

Jesus Christ.

Get in the woods.

Let's go, come on!

Let's find the Professor

and see what the hell
is going on out there.

Go, go, go!

Don't you influence...

Jesus, get in the truck!

Watch the gun!

Where's James?

Are you looking down my,

are you looking down my shirt?

Jamal!

- Jamal!
- I just turned my,

but she's lyin'.

This perve was looking down my
shirt!

Control your man.

Go!

Hey, hey, I didn't do shit!

No fighting.

Y'all are some racist shit.

- That's what it is.
- Really?

Yeah.

At this point, they're
just a band of renegades.

This sort of thing happens all
the time

in the forest around here.

But there's no time for chillin'

with that wild animal so near.

So lock those loads and cock
that nine.

As I see it there's only
two ways this all plays out.

That's all I got for now,
you know what I'm sayin'.

Green light, green light.

Proceed with Operation
Peek-A-Boo.

I repeat, proceed with
Peek-A-Boo.

Roger that.

Peek-A-Boo's a go.

I need you to stay here
with the tracking dart.

Damn, bro, what the
fuck?

Put the mask back on.

When they show up, I'll take
Andersen out

then radio the MIG.

They'll bring in the hazmat
to clean up the carcass.

Shh, shh.

Come on, I'm getting it tonight.

Professor.

Professor come on.

The GPS says this-a-way.

Goddammit, nothing.

Was that necessary?

I'm bleeding.

202 this is...

Light it up, boys.

Hold on, hold on, hold on.

Before we go any further,
everyone,

we should go ahead and split up.

Make sure to keep your safety's
on though.

We don't want anybody getting
hurt.

That was me.

My bad.

Geez, golldangit!

This is Little Boy Blue calling.

We're taking live fire at our
POZ here.

What the hell do we do?

Little Boy Blue,

you are to proceed with the
operation.

They are almost on your POZ.

When you see the Professor, take
him out.

Geez, golldangit!

You no good
low down skunk of a man.

Sissy, what the hell are you
doing?

Oh, did you
forget your promise?

"Oh, I'll go call Pastor Evans

"as soon as you give me Billy's
sack."

Oh, come on I didn't actually

say it like, oh!

Oh God!

Okay, okay.

I'm gonna hurt you like you
hurt me.

Sissy,
please just let me, ow!

All right, all right!

Just let me go.

I'll call Pastor Evans.

He's somewhere in these woods.

Just let me go.

I promise, I promise, Sissy!

All right.

All right, but you better
not be messing with me.

Fooled ya, heffer!

I am shit balled.

Hell do?

Oh shit.

Rick.

What?

It's the creature, Billy!

Shoot him!

- Shoot him!
- Bobby!

We can't, we can't shoot him.

Right there, Billy.

Shoot him.

Bobby, watch out!

Billy!

It's an ambush.

Come on this way.

They got us surrounded.

Stay low!

You coulda just said
something, Lexi!

Hey bunny, don't get shot.

Mom, can you hear me?

Gloria, get the hell outta
there!

I'm gonna kill you,
Andersen.

I ain't dyin'
by no serial hoaxer.

I got karma on my side.

Leave God out of it.

This is between me and you.

Fuck you!

Fuck you three times and plus
five!

What the hell?

It's racism.

It's...

Get the hell outta
here, you drunk bastard.

You pissed all over yourself.

Get behind me.

I'm trying to kill this man!

You shot me, asshole!

You get what you get, you damn
hoaxer.

I'm not a hoaxer.

I'm a entrepreneur.

I'll give you hoaxer,
Andersen.

Let's get the hell outta here.

Gimme the rifle with the night
scope.

It's Andersen.

Holy shit, he's running.

Professor.

What are you doing out here?

What the hell we gonna do now,
Fran?

It's like we're lost
or something out here.

Ow, goddammit.

Holy shit.

Someone shot Mathis.

Shot me in the ass.

Ahh!

Jesus, Fran.

You were always my favorite son.

What?

You can't die on me.

No, no, no, no.

You gotta keep his legs up.

You idiot!

Lilly!

What?

What is wrong with
you?

Call 9-1-1!

What is 9-1-1 gonna do?

Give the man some morphine.

Keep pressure on it!

You want some of this?

It's the Men in Green.

The whole point of the suicide
vest

is getting a pile of virgins at
the end.

I'm ending this right now.

Well, what are we
gonna do now?

Let's head back to the command
post.

Keep the mask on in case
we come across Andersen.

What if someone shoots me?

You have the vest on.

Just don't take one to the head.

Fucking family.

Look, I'll be right
behind you.

Go, go, go!

Somebody gimme a
bandaid.

What the hell are you people
doing?

Have you lost your mind?

Are we still in control
here?

He got shot!

Why'd you shoot me?

He was the one that
did it.

You people, stay calm.

Let's not lose our heads.

Oh shit!

Did we get 'em?

Yeah, man, we got 'em.

Cool.

Maybe we can pay back my uncle.

Hey, bro, I don't think
you're going the right way.

As long as we're heading

in the opposite direction we're
good.

Hey man, what is that smell?

Check the GPS.

Find out where we're goin'.

All right, man I gotta get my
phone.

It's in the back in my bag.

Go, fat boy!

What is that?

What the hell's that smell?

French vanilla filtered
underwear, baby.

Smells like
shit and rotten milk!

I think I can see a clearing
ahead.

You're right.

It's big, black thing.

It's like a void.

It's a quarry!

Don't move an inch.

Your ass filter is making
this shit unbearable, man!

Just give it a minute to
let the filter do it's work.

I gotta open up

- the fuckin' door, bro.
- No, you don't.

Don't do it.

I gotta get the fuck
outta here!

No, let me come back there.

We can jump out together.

I'm outta here.

Fuck you.

You can forget about our
partnership!

I can't believe I survived that.

Well, I guess

this is the end.

The bad guy's dead

and our story's done folded.

But is there ever really
an end to good and evil?

Certainly not this time, my
friends.

So ignore the credits.

'Cause our story's got
more secrets to tell.

The fat lady's got more song as
well.

Casey, stop it.

Daddy?

None of you get it, do you?

Grandpa was right.

The creature's out there
and it might still be.

If we quit now all of Grandpa's
hard work is just lost.

You're all just selfish!

Cassie!

Ah.

We gonna be rich, baby?

I'm sick of Missouri.

You and me both.

Girl, you gonna have me
harder than a fresh cut 2x4.

Why don't you go find Gloria
and I'll take care of Casey.

All right now.

Lexi?

What the hell are you doing?

What the hell is wrong with you?

No!

I said get up.

Why Lexi?

No!

No, fuck!

♪ Out of every problem ♪

♪ Comes a way to make it right ♪

Fuck you!

♪ Reach down deep into your soul ♪

♪ And stand up to the fight ♪

- ♪ You are strong ♪
- No!

Ah!

♪ And she came out long ♪

♪ If you feel you're heart is
breaking ♪

I trusted you!

You're supposed to be my friend!

♪ When the world is ♪

♪ It feels so hard ♪

I'm tired of being
bullied.

♪ If you believe that you can
make it ♪

Just die already.

My titty!

♪ Dance ♪

I'm gonna give you something
to fuckin' remember me by!

No, no!

By the way I always hated that
dress.

Help!

Cassie!

I'm down here.

Do not move, do not move a
muscle.

I'll be down there in just a
second, okay?

Help.

Gimme your hand.

Help me down and we'll go get
her.

Cassie, hold on, I'm coming.

Fran, what the hell are you
doing?

What the hell does it
look like I'm doing, boy?

Tying up some loose ends.

With you out of the way,
I'll be able to collect

that $10 million all for myself.

I don't wanna fall.

Fran, stop!

Oh, you want some of this?

Well, come on and get you some.

Pastor Evans, what the
hell are you doing here?

Aw, man, these pants are wet.

Is this piss?

I am on vacation.

I can't find the gerbil
anywhere.

Aw, you two are freaks!

I think Bigfoot just
stole our four-wheeler.

Stop!

What happened to you, boy?

Man, I just need to get outta
here.

Cassie, are you okay?

Yes.

Okay.

- My fingers are slipping.
- Hold on, hold on tight.

All right.

All right, grab on.

Okay.

You mean you ain't fell yet?

Let me help you out.

Fran!

All right, Ernie.

It's what you want.

Yeah!

That is how Fran Andersen
messes with Bigfoot!

Come on.

Come on, sir.

Come on.

Yeah, ha!

Fooled ya, heffer!

Yeah.

You wanna get you some of that,
son?

Come on.

Oh my gosh,
I wanna go home, Dad.

It's over all right.

I'm gonna get you outta here.

Hold on tight, all right?

No, Daddy, don't!

He's here to help us.

Seriously?

By the power executed in
me, I now pronounce you...

Oh, you guys, aw.

Ow!

This is a hospital, not
a monster truck rally.

Can someone please pull that
plug out?

Unplug me?

Screw you, Cory.

You still wearing
your sister's underwear

under those sheets.

Well, what if I was wearing
my sister's underwear?

They feel better.

Pastor Evans just reach down
there and...

Pastor, don't you dare,
unplug...

My best bottle if you just...

- Pastor!
- Just reach down.

Don't you dare.

Pastor.

Don't you dare.

Here's the Bigfoot...

Oh, ah!

Stop it, stop it!

It's coming on.

What are you going on about,
little boy?

I'm not a boy!

Bigfoot's on TV.

There's no such thing as
Bigfoot, you...

Hey!

Uncle Billy!

Language!

Please!

Here's a frickin' Bigfoot
nutsack for you, Billy.

Larry, Larry,

- Larry, Larry, Larry.
- Let me introduce

- our next guest.
- Larry, Larry, Larry,

Larry, Larry, Larry.

Ho ho.

Hey.

How good to see you.

Have a seat.

Larry, Larry,
Larry, Larry,

Larry, Larry, Larry, Larry,
Larry,

Larry, Larry, Larry, Larry,
Larry.

- Okay, okay, okay.
- Larry, Larry.

- Calm down, calm down.
- Larry, Larry, Larry, Larry.

So, tell me what it's like

having so many people chasing
you.

Hey Bigfoot!

Squatch these!

Well, that's a topic for
another show.

How do you manage to stay so
hidden?

Actually, people find
solid evidence all the time

but the government swoops in.

Did you always manage to get
away?

My mother was regular human.

My father's, like me.

And
what about your kids?

Boo!

Okay, okay, okay.

Let's give him a chance to
speak.

Go on, Jackson.

Yeah, they don't want people
to know

there's another line of
humans out there living wild.

What do you mean?

Who are they?

The Government.

They keep all this covered up.

I bet this show never...

♪ Would you recognize
a monster by his eyes ♪

♪ Thought I would, too ♪

♪ And I spent all this
time a-runnin' every lap ♪

♪ To what I would do ♪

♪ Hell, I'd take him by the tail ♪

♪ He would holler, he would wail ♪

♪ Till he called a truce ♪

♪ And I told him you were made ♪

♪ Taking you away ♪

♪ Now I know it's true ♪

♪ I was blind ♪

♪ Then I saw the human
unkind come to call ♪

♪ If I had a dime for
all man's many faults ♪

♪ I admit that I was wrong ♪

♪ Such a shame ♪

Goin' on here?

♪ Interviewing monsters ♪

♪ Monsters ♪

♪ All along ♪

What are you smilin' at?

♪ I was blind ♪

♪ Then I saw the human
unkind come to call ♪

♪ If I had a dime for
all man's many faults ♪

♪ I admit that I was wrong ♪

♪ Such a shame that you're gone ♪

♪ Interviewing monsters ♪

♪ Monsters ♪

♪ All along ♪

♪ Interviewing monsters ♪

♪ Monsters ♪

♪ All along ♪

♪ Interviewing monsters ♪

♪ Monsters ♪

♪ All along ♪