International House (1933) - full transcript

Nash, that covers about everything. You have

your instructions and your credentials.

Yes. They're all in here.

I'd better get my tickets.

If Dr. Wong's invention

is half as good as he claims,

the manufacturing rights

will be worth millions.

The American Electric Company

can't afford to lose out.

Yes, sir. No, sir.

I'm new in China. You had

three years in the consular service.

You know the country, the language

and the manner of doing business here.

That's why I'm sending you

in my place.

Considering everything, I'm sure you'll

represent the company better than I.

Well, I can die trying, sir.

“Die“?

You're not sick, are you?

Oh, no, sir.

Didn't I hear something about your being

sick the day before your wedding?

Yeah. It... It happened twice.

That's why I didn't get married.

Carol...

Um, Miss Fortescue felt...

Well, you can imagine how she felt.

Yeah.

You see...

Discouraged. Yes. Sol resigned and went

to America to the finest specialists.

Well, they get you

all cleaned out all right?

Every nickel.

That's fine.

Well, good-bye, Nash.

Good-bye.

Sorry, madam.

There are no trains to Wu-Hu.

You said that three or four times.

I must get there.

It's very important for me.

Money's no object.

Madam, if I owned the rail road,

I'd give you a train.

But a bridge has washed out,

and our engines can't swim.

- Wu-Hu.

- I beg your pardon?

A compartment to Wu-Hu, please. Sorry.

There's been an accident on the line.

Accident?

Yes, sir.

Do you know whether Sir Mortimer

Fortescue and his daughter...

Their train was the last one

to get through, sir.

Oh, that's fine. It looks as though

I'll have to try and make it in my car.

It's a hard, long trip, sir.

Don't I know it.

Excuse me.

Pardon me.

Do you mind? Oh.

That's all right.

Aren't you the gentleman

who's driving to Wu-Hu? Yes.

I'm most anxious to go myself.

I mean, wouldn't you

take me along?

I'm afraid not.

It's no trip for a girl.

Bad roads and the desert.

That sounds interesting.

It isn't.

I couldn't take the responsibility.

I'll take the responsibility.

Pardon me just a moment.

You forgot to sign it.

Sign it “American Electric Company.“

Couldn't you possibly

take me with you?

Yes, but... No.

Won't you change your mind?

It's a 24-hour trip.

That's only a day.

A day and... and a night.

I'm not afraid of the dark.

Are you?

No. I'm afraid

of what might happen in it.

Whoo-hoo.

Whoo-hoo.

Wu-Hu! Wu-Hu!

Daily Mail'

W u - H u!

Wu-Hu! Wu-Hu!

I haven't seen so many big shots

since the peace conference.

That guy's invention must be plenty hot

to drag us from all over the world like this.

How do you do?

Who?

You, sir.

How do you do?

You're Sir Mortimer Fortescue

of Shanghai, are you not?

You're mistaken.

I am.

- What is your opinion of Dr. Wong?

- Wong?

The man you came here to see.

See? About what?

About his invention.

Oh, yes.

What is your opinion of his invention?

Absolutely worthless.

The invention?

No. My opinion.

Come on, Daddy.

Good afternoon, sir.

Did you have a nice trip?

I always have a nice trip.

You are...

General Nicholas Baronosky Petronovich.

Formerly of the Russian Imperial Guard.

At present, general manager

of the Moscow Utilities Company.

Are you interested

in Dr. Wong's new invention?

I am here to buy the rights

for my company.

Who's that bird?

Must be Herr von Baden

of the Berlin Lens and Optical Company.

Would you say

a few words, please?

No, no, no, no.

No, no. In English, please.

In German or in English... out of the way!

I have business.

Skittish. Very skittish.

Yeah, and just

a wee bit squirrelly too.

Dr. Bums! Dr. Bums!

Dr. Burns!

Man inside, him very sick.

I take you.

What's the matter?

Oh, Doctor, I'm sick.

I cannot “up-standing“ straight.

You can't what?

I cannot up-standing straight.

Well, let me see.

Uh... Oh, look. Your...

Look. Your vest is buttoned

to your trousers.

Ah!

Oh, thank you, Doctor.

Ah! Thank you.

This is the hotel manager.

Dr. Wong.

Dr. Wong.

Dr. Wong, I have

a telegram for you.

I'm afraid I have a short circuit

in my transformer.

That's very unfortunate,

I'm sure.

But, uh,

how about this telegram?

Ah, right. There is a short circuit.

Oh, were you saying something?

Why, yes. I have a

short circuit... Huh?

I mean, I have a telegram for you.

Read it, please.

“Leaving Shanghai

to negotiate blonde on desert,

“but will not take responsibility.

“Hold everything.

Signed, American Electric Company.“ Ah.

The American representative.

Is, uh, the telegram

quite clear to you, Doctor?

Quite, quite.

Clever people, these Americans.

Always combining business

with pleasure.

Oh, uh, General Petronovich

requested me to, uh,

arrange an interview

with you this afternoon.

I will see no one until the arrival

of the American representative.

Well, I hope he'll be here in time

for your demonstration.

Thank you.

And now...

you will be the first to witness

the wonders of my radioscope.

Uh, pull those curtains, please.

Yes, Doctor.

Oh, Doctor,

this is positively thrilling.

I'm gooseflesh all over.

♪♪

What are you going

to show me, Doctor?

The six-day bicycle race

in New York City.

Watch closely.

♪ But wait till

tomorrow 'ere you take... ♪♪

Not quite synchronized.

Seems rather, uh, mixed-up.

Yes.

That moo went with the cow.

I believe that is

the customary procedure.

Professor Henry R.

Quail takes off from Juarez, Mexico,

on a secret mission,

combining business with pleasure.

Delicious.

200 pesos.

Charge it.

I wonder if the professor

can get off the ground with that load.

Now I will get you

the six-day bicycle race.

If the doctor will permit,

a little later perhaps.

Oh, at your pleasure.

It will be going on for six days.

Good afternoon, Doctor.

Good afternoon.

Oh, hello. Come here.

Say, who's that?

“Who is that?“

That's the manager of the ho...

Well, you wouldn't know.

What difference does it make?

Good afternoon, Doctor.

Good afternoon.

I have an invitation for you.

Oh, thank you.

Dr. Wong is going to show his

radioscope on the roofgarden tonight.

Thank you very much.

Oh, goody!

“Goody“? You're not invited. Oh, that's too

bad, Doctor, because you would've enjoyed it.

Listen, I've had enough of this. I've got

a good mind to get a different nurse.

No, no. Don't do that, Doctor.

This one is different enough.

Well, then you talk to her.

Thanks.

Do you know,

you're very smart.

Yes, I know. To what do you

attribute your smartness?

Uh, three things.

Three things? Oh.

First, my very good memory.

Mm.

And the other two things,

um, uh...

I forgot.

Look, uh, let me talk to her.

Thanks.

What the manager would like to know

is, did you ever go to school?

Oh, yes, I did. Well, what

school did you go to?

I'm not allowed to tell.

You're not allowed to tell?

The school pays me $25 a week

not to tell.

You take her. Thanks.

Did, um... Did you ever

read any books?

Oh, of course I did.

Did you ever read any books

by Kipling?

No. No, I never read any of his books.

I like his herring though.

Mm-hmm. Uh...

This one is on me.

- You like Kipling's herring?

- Yes.

Sometime when you have nothing to do,

you must read some of Dill's pickles.

- You'd like that too.

- Oh,yeah? Well, I'll get it.

Get that. This Monday, a new pickle

is coming out with a blue cover.

Oh, yeah?

A mystery, huh?

If you don't mind.

Well.

Uh, this one

in on the house.

You know, something must have

happened to you when you were a baby.

No. No, nothing happened to me, but something

happened to my brother when he was a baby.

Oh, to your brother. Yes. My father

took him for a stroll in the carriage.

But when my father came home, he had a

different baby in a different carriage.

Different baby in a

different carriage. Yes.

What did your mother say? Oh, she didn't say

anything, because it was a better carriage.

Oh. Uh...

I'm coming.

A better carriage, huh?

Yes. And the baby my father brought home was

a little French baby. A little French baby.

Yes, so my mother took up French.

Took up French.

Yes. To be able to

understand the baby...

when it started to talk. When

it started to talk. Yes.

Oh, they're crazy people.

What about these eggs?

What about the eggs?

Well, what about the eggs?

Are they finished?

They're finished.

Try it again.

Listen, when you invited me to ride... Pardon me.

You invited yourself.

You told me we could cross

this moth-eaten desert in 24 hours.

I told you we could

if we got a break.

You got a break...

miles away from everywhere.

And you spend half the night feeling

around in the dark for nuts and bolts.

Aw, fry an egg.

Take your dirty hands

off my lingerie.

I'll take care of this.

You start the engine,

and hurry.

What's your tearing hurry

to get to Wu-Hu?

Business.

Business?

Dr. Wong's invention is going to make

millionaires, and I intend doing the same.

You mean you're gonna

marry a millionaire?

I never marry anything else.

Wil lyou hurry?

Say, if my girl ever finds out I spent

a night on the desert with another girl...

Oh, don't tell her. She might think

you're having a good time.

“Good time.“ Lady, I wouldn't enjoy

a minute of this trip...

even if you were

Peggy Hopkins Joyce.

I am Peggy Hopkins Joyce.

Huh?

This is as far as we go.

That's good news.

I hope you had a nice trip.

Mmm.

I hope there's a chiropractor

in the hotel.

Where's a garage?

Down there.

You catching nice

A-number-one wife, mister.

You catch 'um suitcase

and do A-number-one scram.

There are twin beds

in the room at present.

Shall I have one of them

removed?

Remove both of them.

Both?

I prefer a double bed. Don't you?

So!

Nicky.

Your husband. No husbands at present.

We're divorced.

Didn't I get a divorce from you

in Paris?

Ah! That means nothing.

In my country,

you're still my wife.

Oh, Nicky, darling,

don't go dramatic on me.

Everything is finished.

Never.

Any man that comes

between us,

he will be finished.

Undoubtedly, General.

I delivered your message

to Dr. Wong. Well?

He will talk to no one about the radioscope until

after the arrival of the American representative.

Nicky, are you interested

in the radioscope?

Interested?

I'm going to buy it.

It will make millions for me.

Millions?

Oh, Nicky, darling.

Do you wish to go to your room

now, Miss Joyce? Yes, thank you.

Come along, Nicky, dear.

Card.

Tommy.

You've come back. I missed

you every hour I was gone.

I thought I'd never see you again.

Well, I'm here, and you're here,

and here we are.

It's wonderful.

Marvelous.

No, it isn't.

It's disgusting.

Carol. Carol.

What's the matter? Ever since that day

you left me waiting at the church...

But I had the mumps.

Yes. And the other time.

You had, what was it?

The chicken pox.

A grown man like you always breaking

out in children's diseases.

But, Carol, that's all over now.

I visited the finest specialists

in the United States.

I've been examined, x-rayed,

violet-rayed and inoculated.

I'm 100% perfect

and immune to everything.

Tommy. I got the papers to prove

it... inoculation affidavits.

Oh, Tommy, I'm so happy.

Heh.

Excusing, please, master.

Your number-one wife,

she going topside with

another one man. Shh.

Your wife?

Mm, it's a mistake.

She means the girl I...

I traveled with.

You traveled with a girl?

Yes, but we're not married.

Not married? Now,

darling, you're wrong.

It was all purely... platonic.

Well, who is she? What's her name?

Peggy Hopkins Joyce.

And you were perfectly platonic

with Peggy Hopkins Joyce.

Now, dar... Wait.

Who's there?

It-it's me.

Um, Tommy Nash.

Oh, come in, dear.

Oh, hello.

Come and sit down.

Um, Miss Joyce,

this is Carol Fortescue,

the girl I told you about.

I'm afraid I'm intruding.

Oh, not at all.

How do you do?

How do you do?

Um, Miss Joyce,

will you tell Carol...

that practically the only thing

we did on the desert was... fight?

Oh, so that's it. Come

and sit down, won't you?

Tommy's a very nice boy.

I only annoyed him.

He loves you very much.

Why, thank you.

Missy, him belong you?

Oh, Tommy,

they must be yours.

Uh, yes.

That's funny.

Very.

Oh, Tommy.

Oh.

I'm so sorry.

I packed these by mistake

this morning in the desert.

Why, we must have

got our shorts tangled up.

I__ I mean...

Missy, you want me washee?

I can tell you

exactly what happened.

Don't trouble.

I can imagine.

Now, Carol...

“Purely platonic.“

You're gonna have to do

something about this.

I'll do my best, Tommy.

Yeah. Carol!

Carol.

Carol.

Carol, darling.

I love you.

It was her suggestion.

Why, I kept thinking of you

all the time.

Why, she can't even cook.

Yes, really, this is Dr. Burns's office.

No, the doctor isn't in

just now.

Oh, he won't be back

for a long, long time.

He went out

on one of those “eternity“ cases.

Yeah, all right.

Any calls for me

while I was out, Miss Allen?

Oh, yes, Doctor.

My cousin just phoned.

He wants you to come right over.

He fell off an ironing board.

Your cousin fell off

an ironing board?

Yeah. He was pressing his pants,

and he forgot to take 'em off.

Read your paper

and don't annoy me, Miss Allen.

Uh, have you seen

my stethoscope?

- Oh, not now, Doctor. I'll look at it later.

- You'll look at it later?

Yeah. Doctor, what's the difference

between a helicopter and an autogyro?

I don't know.

You can't play a helicopter.

You can't? Well, that certainly

is a surprise to me.

I knew it would be.

What are you reading?

I'm reading about

this Professor Quail.

- You know, he flown the ocean.

- He what?

- He flown the ocean.

- No, no, no. He didn't "flown".

- You wouldn't say he has flew?

- He has flu?

You could never tell it

by this picture.

- Look. He has great big, fat cheeks...

- Listen, Miss Allen, don't annoy me.

- I know, but, look, he has big...

- Stop.

I have a very important

appendicitis case on my mind.

Oh, yeah?

My brother had appendicitis.

It left a very bad scar

on his neck.

- Appendicitis on the neck?

- Yeah.

- Appendicitis is on the stomach.

- Yeah, I know.

But he was so ticklish,

they had to operate up there.

Yes, I see what you mean. Couldn't take it.

He'd have died laughing.

Yes. We're glad anyhow

he went to the hospital.

Now there's more room

for the old woman.

Your mother, I guess?

No, no. The old woman who's been

living with us for five weeks.

- Your aunt?

- No. We don't even know her.

Oh. A strange old woman lives in

your house, and nobody knows her.

Yeah. My brother won her

at a raffle.

Your brother won an

old woman at a raffle?

- Yeah. They ran a raffle for a poor old woman...

- And he won.

- And he won.

- I see.

You certainly have a lot of fun home.

You people live like fools.

- Yeah. You know what happened last night?

- What?

Last night, in the middle of the night, my

cousin woke up and gave out a big scream.

Something happened,

and she screamed right out, huh?

She looked down at her legs,

and they were all black.

- Her legs turned black?

- Yeah.

- What did you do?

- What did we do? We sent for a doctor, of course.

- You sent for a doctor?

- Of course.

Well, what did the doctor do?

Well, he took off her stockings,

and then we all went to sleep again.

Ah.

Listen, Miss Allen.

You're sitting on my stethoscope.

Yeah... Oh, Doctor.

Well, what are you doing?

Oh, Doctor, I can hear my heartbeat.

Yeah... Ooh!

Carol!

You've got to listen to me.

No, I don't. Miss Joyce has

explained everything to me.

Sweetheart. Oh.

Let's get married today,

right away.

- Won't you get sick again?

- Oh, there's not a chance of that.

- I'm immune. I've got papers that prove it.

- Never mind, dear.

- Tommy, your cheek.

- What's the matter?

- It's burning.

- Oh, I'm just excited.

And your hands,

they're cold.

Oh, Tommy, you're not

going to get sick again?

Aw, not a chance.

I have papers that...

Pardon me, but I happen to be

the house physician.

- Well, I have papers that prove...

- I know, I know. Let me see your tongue.

- Um, say "Ah".

- Aw...

No, no. Not "Aw".

Say "Ah".

Ah.

Mm. I thought so.

- Aw, now listen, Doctor. I've got...

- I know. Measles, young man. Measles.

I'll get my nurse.

Miss Allen. Miss Allen.

- Miss Allen. Miss Allen.

- Yes?

- There's a man outside with a rash.

- With a rash? Is it this year's model?

With freewheeling

and floating power?

- Or is it last year's...

- No. It's a coupé. You know what a coupé is.

Oh, sure. My father's got one.

Only he parts his in the middle.

He parts a cou... There's a man

outside with a rash in the rotunda.

Well, it certainly takes all

kinds of people to make a world.

- Don't you think so?

- I think so.

Measles! I had them

when I was three years old.

- It can't be the measles. I'm immune.

- You're impossible.

- Now, Carol...

- Miss Allen, this is the patient.

- Undress him and put him to bed.

- Oh, Doctor.

But, Doctor, I can't go to bed.

I'm not married yet.

- Undress him and put him to bed.

- Oh, at his age.

- Listen.

- Carol, sweetheart...

Tommy, don't you see?

We'll never be married.

You... You just can't

stand the strain.

- But, Carol, I can...

- Come here. Take him.

Listen... Oh, I love to hear

of people getting married.

You know, I had a wire

from my sister today.

She has a brand-new

little baby.

She's married, you know.

She's married.

Yeah. Oh. Is it a

little girl or a boy?

Well, I don't know yet, and I'm dying to

find out whether I'm an uncle or an aunt.

Hey. Hey, listen, Doctor.

You've got my hat.

Nash... the American representative.

Serge, I have an idea.

Where is the office

of the health inspector?

Are we going to talk to him?

I myself will talk to him.

This American

has a contagious disease,

so Inspector Sun

should be notified at once.

Ladies and gentlemen,

for your pleasure,

we will present our dancing girls,

who will give you pleasure

in a novelty number,

which I hope

will give you pleasure.

♪♪

♪ She was a China teacup ♪

♪ And he was a coffee mug ♪

♪ When he would see that teacup

it gave his heart a tug ♪

♪ She was a-way above him

high up on another shelf ♪

♪ Still, he was sure she'd love him

if he declared himself ♪

♪ So, one day on the table

he was at her side by chance ♪

♪ He seized this opportunity

to start his big romance ♪

♪ But when he began to speak up

she gave him a nasty shrug ♪

♪ For she was a China teacup

and he was just a mug ♪

♪ The kettle on the hearth

would sing to him ♪ '

♪ A swoon y little spoon

would ding to him ♪

♪ A napkin even offered

her ring to him ♪

♪ But none of these girls

meant a thing to him ♪

♪ A sugar bowl, sweetest little soul

wanted to console him ♪

♪ Bu! He was set on just one goal

and no one could control him ♪

♪ There was a saucy saucer

who met him at every meal ♪

♪ She was a torso tosser

with lots of sex appeal ♪

♪ Our handsome hero spurned their love

They could not make him stir ♪

♪ Although they had the kind of charm

that gentlemen prefer ♪

♪ So all through the day, he'd peek up

at somebody proud and smug ♪

♪ She was a China teacup

and he was just a mug ♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

Oh, there's Peggy Joyce.

Peggy Joyce has...

Peggy Joyce-

I can materialize anything

anywhere at any time.

The radiosco-

The radioscope

needs no broadcast station,

and no... no carrier waves

are necessary.

It is...

No electrical transmission is...

Goodness!

Well! Uh!

Hello below!

Is this Kansas City, Kansas,

or Kansas City, Missouri?

Hey! Where am I?

- Wu-Hu!

- Whoo-hoo to you, sweetheart.

- Hey, Charlie. Where am I?

- Wu-Hu!

Don't let the posy fool ya.

Where am I?

This is a roofgarden

at the International House.

Never mind the details.

What town is it?

This is Wu-Hu, China.

- Then what am I doing here?

- Well, how should I know?

Well, what is Wu-Hu doing

where Kansas City ought to be?

Maybe you're lost.

Kansas City is lost.

I am here.

Turn on those lights!

Turn on the lights!

Give us li...

Now can you see anything?

Practically everything.

Honored visitor,

I welcome you.

I was afraid

you might not arrive.

Here too. I ran out of the last

bottle of beer just a minute ago.

Now that you are here,

honored American representative,

will you deign to accept

my unworthy hospitality?

Make mine a small beer.

Where will we park it, sweets?

Over here.

Why do you wear a silk hat?

Lends dignity, my beauty.

It lends dignity.

Sit down.

Sit down.

Sit down.

Ladies and gentlemen, my presence here

is due to a slight error in navigation.

I took the needle off my compass

to darn a pair of socks.

Since that time, I've been

flying completely by ear.

Waiter. For goodness sake.

Well, sweet buttercup-

Now that I'm here

and see what's to be had,

I shall dally in the valley.

And believe me,

I can dally.

Oh. Not “daily?

You mean “deli?

Dally.

No, it'; deli. Look.

♪ Hi-ho, the derry-o the farmer

in the deli ♪♪ It's deli.

What's the penalty for murder

in China?

Oh, now, don't tell me.

Let me think of the answer.

Um... Stop it. Stop it.

What's on your mind?

Well, Dr. Burns says there's a bone

pressing on my brain.

But it doesn't bother me. Really.

Doesn't bother her. Daffy.

Oh, that one goes, “Daffy down dilly,

bats in the belfry, ding-dong.“

Now ask me another one.

Oh, Professor, before you go to sleep,

will you write me your autograph?

I'd like to write your epitaph.

And th...

There. Yeah. Oh, I can't see it.

How unfortunate.

You can see it now,

can't you?

Oh, look! Professor

Quail, you forgot to cross the

You're a silly man.

That wren's cuckoo.

Good gracious! Water.

Pardon me.

I was afraid

that might be my husband.

Husband?

Divorced.

Oh, then you're in a position

to listen to a proposal.

Allow me to offer

my congratulations.

Dr. Wong, Professor Quail.

Oh.

How, chief.

Won't you join me

in a glass of wine?

You get in first, and, if there's

room enough, I'll join you.

- Ladies and gentlemen...

- I'll take a bottle of beer.

I have a very unpleasant

announcement to make.

One of our

guests, Mr. Thomas Nash, is ill.

And Inspector Sun,

the local health official,

has seen fit to declare

a quarantine.

No one will be permitted to enter or

lea ve the hotel until further notice.

Just a moment, please.

Due to this unexpected situation,

I shall postpone the demonstration

of my radioscope...

until 10:00 this evening

in my suite.

I've got to get to

Hang Kong in the morning.

Hadn't you better notify

the consulate in Shanghai?

By jove, the consulate.

Of course.

Professor, aren't you

going to register?

Yes. Where are you

going to sleep tonight?

I'm going to sleep on my right side

with my mouth open.

Wide open.

I always sleep

on my stomach.

Don't you find

it gets all wrinkled?

Most amusing.

Uh, if you can't get a room,

will you share the hospitality

of my apartment?

Thanks.

Do I hear any other offers?

Here's your chance to have a laugh

on every other girl in the world.

Okay, sold to the gentleman

with the wrinkled stomach.

Well, I must

get my portmanteau.

Oh! Remarkable!

But why? Why carry an

automobile in an airplane?

For side trips. Besides, the lighter

in the plane would never work.

Sol bought this.

Gangway, please.

Gangway! Come on there.

I've got to register.

Are you there?

What kind of a trap is this?

Looks like

a Chinese noodle swamp.

Oh! Please!

Hey, what kind

of a hotel is this?

Quarantine, foreigners,

scratchy fountain pens.

How am I gonna register?

- I'm the manager of this hotel.

- I wouldn't brag about it if I were you.

We have no more rooms.

The place is filled to capacity.

Then where am I gonna sleep

on my right side?

I would suggest that you get in

that windmill of yours and depart.

Is it possible that I am not wanted

in this flop joint? Undoubtedly.

Gangway!

Please!

No rooms, hey?

No.

Oh!

There you are. You brought

it on yourself. You see?

Oh! Young man, if you're

not very careful,

you're gonna lose my trade.

Uncouth person.

Manager! Manager!

Yes, yes, yes, yes

I have been unconnected.

Get me Berlin.

Oh, yes, yes. Mr. Brown?

Yes, sir.

Get the house electrician.

No, get Berlin.

Uh, Mr. Brown, no, no, no. Get Berlin.

I can't get Berlin.

Get Berlin! Get Germany!

I can't get Berlin.

Oh, get me a cup of tea.

Yes, sir.

I'll be a nervous wreck before this

day is... is over. I have never...

“Dear Mother, having a gorgeous time.“ Oh, my.

What am I doing?

Wait! Wait! Come back! I've gotta get in

touch with Dr. Wong, and the phone's dead.

All phones dead. Now, he's expecting me.

L-I've got to get word to him.

No can do. You're outta your head.

Aw!

Go back to bed.

All right.

Hey! Hey!

Now, look here!

Listen here, will ya?

I must go in. My wife! My business!

No one can enter.

You were only supposed to quarantine

one room, not the entire hotel.

Whole hotel is quarantined.

Where I'm going to sleep?

The Lotus Garden

is not quarantined.

That's a horrible place.

Terrible.

And he was wearing a tall

silk hat and carrying a cane.

That's the man.

The professor.

He opened every door on my floor, and I

insist upon something being done about it.

You are quite right.

Front! Front! Front, upstairs.

Oh, Mr. Brown. Order me some tea.

Yes, sir.

Just so, just so, just so.

What won't they think of next?

It is now exactly I 0:15,

Chinese Standard Time.

10:14.

Correction, 10:14.

You will now hear Ah-Fui

and his manly mandarin.

This is station PI,

the voice of Long Tong.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

The voice of Long

Tong signing off. Goodnight.

Oh, it's you. What's your idea

of bleating in my room that way?

Your room?

Yes, my room.

Aren't you ashamed of yourself,

arousing the entire hotel?

Miss Joyce.

There you are, you see?

Now one of us has gotta get out.

Will you hurry?

I don't know how you

got in here in the first place.

Miss Joyce.

Miss Joyce, are you quite safe?

Just a minute, please.

When the excitement dies down, I'll

be right back, my little calliope.

Don't forget. Tap on the window

as soon as the chumps leave.

Can't hit a moving target, eh?

Gosh, what a shock.

And now,

ladies and gentlemen,

the six-day bicycle race.

My friend, your clothes.

Huh? Yeah.

Yeah, oh, yeah.

That's the trouble of dressing

on a dark fire escape.

The lights.

♪♪

Well, Budd, I see you're still

in the same old fog.

Success at last.

Huh? What's that?

Don't you know what that is?

That's my new directional alarm clock.

You see, I turn the bell this way,

and it wakes me up.

And I turn it that way,

and it wakes you up.

This is my patented

revolving goldfish bowl.

Does, uh... How does that work? Well, you

put this thing on here like that, you see?

That's for tired goldfish. The bow!

Revolves, so the fish doesn't have to swim.

That's peachy.

No, Stoopnocracy is peachy.

The one-and-only Rudy Vallee,

singing his latest song hit to his first love.

♪ Good night ♪

♪ My heart and I

are bidding you good night ♪

♪ I love you

and because you love me too ♪

♪ I pray and say

thank heaven for you ♪

♪ I'll dream ♪

♪ And you will be

in everything I dream ♪

♪ The way you are

in everything I do ♪

♪ That's why I say

thank heaven for you ♪

♪ You are my own

Just I alone;

♪ Caress you with tender fingertips ♪

♪ When you are near

true and sincere ♪

♪ You bring a song to my lips ♪

♪ So rest ♪

♪ And if my prayers are answered

you'll be blessed ♪

♪ And I'll be blessed each night

my whole life through ♪

♪ And so I say

thank heaven for you ♪

♪ You are my own

Just I alone ♪

♪♪ They're stupefied.

They're roasted.

♪ You bring a song

to my heart ♪

How long's this dog fight

been going on?

Don't interrupt my number.

Hold your tongue and sit down.

Hold your breath and lie down, you

howling hyena. ♪♪

♪ And so I say ♪

You insist?

♪ Thank heaven for you ♪♪

My screen!

Not a wink of sleep all night. Every time I closed

my eyes, that pounding and cursing started.

General Petronovich

was locked out.

There is no use lying. I, myself,

through the window, saw everything.

Everything?

What do you mean, Nicky?

Oh, he's not with me now.

These American millionaires,

they think money can buy anything.

Nicky, did you say

he's a millionaire?

He is?

I will take his throat

in my hands...

and I will squeeze and break...

Whoo-hoo!

Whoo-hoo!

Aw, shut up.

You'll get swayback

sleeping that way.

Hey, “garcon?

Bring me a drink.

Water, sir?

A little on the side.

Very little.

Did you get your magic lantern fixed last

night after the navy sailed through it?

It was quite simple.

I merely inserted a new tube.

Good idea. Ah, breakfast.

Hello. Hello.

Send me up a bird's nest and a couple

of 100-year-old eggs boiled in perfume.

- Good morning, Professor.

- Oh, is that you, my little chrysan...

Chrysyanth...

Uh, my little hollyhock?

- How are you feeling?

- I feel like a million dollars.

Excuse me.

I'm getting rather bored here.

Aren't you?

Why don't we leave... together?

In your autogyro.

Okay. I'll be right down

as soon as I take off these pajamas.

Wongy, you old silkworm, you're

on your own. I'm leaving.

Surely not before you offer a bid

for the radioscope.

Bid?

You're representing

the American Electric Company?

Never heard of them.

Ah.

Thank you.

You may inform

the visiting representatives...

that I will accept sealed bids

from them today. Yes, master.

It is the law. I tell you, Inspector.

I haven't got the measles.

The truth is I'm not sick at all.

I feel well. I eat well.

And you sleep well.

I sleep well.

I said that.

You've said too much.

I didn't say too much.

I just said you sleep well.

Yeah. I don't feel like

dancing, Mr. Nash.

Well, big and little casino

in the same trick.

Your play.

Yes, play a card.

What card?

Why is it that everything

always happens to me?

0h, hello, Doctor. 0h, hello.

How'; the patient?

Oh, I'm fine, thank you.

How are you, Doctor?

No, no. How is the patient?

How is the patient?

Now, isn't that funny? It's sounds just

like you're saying, “How is the patient?”

- Play a card.

- Oh, cards.

Oh, I know a wonderful trick.

Now, may I borrow

your handkerchief?

Oh, you'll love this trick.

Is this a good trick?

Oh, sure. My brother showed me this trick.

Oh, your brother.

Yes.

Which one, the half-wit?

No, the older one.

Oh, the big fella, yeah.

Yeah. Now, may I borrow

your scissors?

I'm sorry.

Well, that's the finish of that.

Look... No, I have a surprise for you.

I have a scissors.

I was expecting that too.

Take that, Doctor. Now, will you

cut right through the center?

Wait a minute.

Now don't be afraid.

I know what I'm doing.

Cut.

Cut right through the center.

Yes.

Well, just so you know

what you're doing.

Here you go.

Yeah. Now.

This, um... Uh, th...

Oh, I wish

my brother was here.

Th... Oh, can you imagine?

I did it wrong.

Come here. Come here.

And now

the six-day bicycle race.

We will now hear Baby Rose Marie, one

of radio's youngest and hottest entertainers.

Oh, June is here

and skies are clear

♪ And bright ♪

♪ Not for me

for I don't see ♪

♪ The light ♪

♪ To me the music

of the birds in the trees ♪

♪ Doesn't mean anything ♪

♪ I'm so low that I don't know ♪

♪ It's spring ♪

♪ I heard a bluebird

singin' one clay ♪

♪ He seemed the messenger

of happy news ♪

♪ He filled the air above

with a song of love ♪

♪ And I'm the river

singin' the blues ♪

♪ A pair of blue eyes

wandered my way ♪

♪ And how was I to know

I'd love and lose ♪

♪ But now my bluebird's nest

is a blackbirds rest ♪

♪ And my bluebird's

singin' the blues ♪

♪ I was a dumb one

Love was blind ♪

♪ Or maybe I should blame it

on the moon ♪

♪ A certain someone

changed his mind ♪

;And my bluebird changed his tune ♪

♪ All my blue skies

seem to be gray ♪

♪ And I packed away

my dancing shoes ♪

♪ Because my big romance

was a song and dance ♪

♪ And my bluebird's

singin' the blues ♪

♪ I was a dumb one

Love was blind ♪

♪ Or maybe I should blame it

on the moon ♪

♪ A certain someone

changed his mind ♪

♪ And my bluebird

changed his tune ♪

♪ And my blue skies

seem to be gray ♪

♪ And I packed away

my dancing shoes ♪

♪ Because my big romance

was a song and dance ♪

♪ That's why my ♪

♪ Bluebird is singing ♪

♪ The blues ♪♪

Splendid.

Quite amusing.

I shall be the first to

present a bid for the rights.

You are the last. The other representatives

have all submitted sealed bids.

We will batter down the doors.

And the more resistance you encounter,

the more money I will pay you.

Shh!

Once we're in the hotel,

I will kill...

that loose-living American

jackal scoundrel.

Come on.

I beg your pardon.

I don't think I've had the pleasure...

Nash. Tommy Nash, representing

the American Electric Company.

Welcome, my friend.

What detained you?

It's a sad story, Doctor.

Am I too late to submit a bid?

Not at all. But first, don't

you want a demonstration?

Great.

Now with a

hi-dee-hi and a ho-dee-ho,

Cab Calloway

and His Harlem Maniacs...

present a flaming bit

of heated Harlem harmony.

♪♪

- Why, what's the matter with this cat here?

- He's high.

What do you mean he's high?

Full of weed.

Full of weed?

Yeah.

Who is this cat anyway?

That's the reefer man.

The reefer man?

Yeah.

Why, look at that dog.

He looks like he's losing his mind.

He done lost his mind.

Done lost his mind?

Yeah. Come on. Let's get

away from here then.

♪♪

♪ Have you ever met that funny

reefer man ♪ ♪ Reefer man ♪

♪ Have you ever met that funny

reefer man ♪ ♪ Reefer man ♪

♪ If he says he swam to China

wants to sell you South Carolina ♪

♪ Then you know you're talking to

that reefer man ♪ ♪ Reefer man ♪

♪ Have you ever met that funny

reefer man ♪ ♪ Reefer man ♪

♪ Oh, that funny, funny funny

reefer man ♪ ♪ Reefer man ♪

♪ If he trades you dimes for nickels

he says watermelons are pickles ♪

♪ You know you're talking to

that reefer man ♪ ♪ Reefer man ♪

♪ Oh, have you ever met that funny

reefer man ♪ ♪ Reefer man ♪

♪ Oh, that funny, funny funny

reefer man ♪ ♪ Reefer man ♪

♪ He smokes a reefer, he gets high

then he flies to the sky ♪

♪ That funny, funny

funny reefer man ♪♪

Take your time, son.

Take your time now.

Pat that thing slightly,

lightly and politely.

- Why, that cat's still high.

- Yeah, man.

It's wonderful.

Inspector Sun, how... how is the patient?

Uh, hello. No, I can't see you now.

Uh... Uh... Oh.

Oh, get out. Get out.

How's the... the patient?

Perfectly well. He has

nothing but harmless rash.

Uh... Nothing

but a harmless rash?

Then I suppose

the quarantine will be lifted?

At once.

You may open the doors.

Open the doors? That's fine. Now

we'll have a little peace and quiet.

I wanted your company to have my

invention all along. I am so happy.

Ah, maybe you think

I'm not, Doctor.

And now we shall see

the six-day bicycle race.

Ah! I've got it!

We are now signing off at

the end of a six-day bicycle race.

Oh, it is too late.

Open the doors.

Please! Please! Is this anyway

to enter a first-class hotel?

Has Dr. Wong sold the rights

to his machine to anyone?

I don't know, and I don't care!

But I care!

If anyone has bought it,

he shall not lea ve with it.

No one can double-cross

Petronovich. Yes.

Cover all the exits, men.

Allow no one to leave.

♪♪

♪ Yeah, all lies, love ♪♪

I'll wire you

where to send the luggage.

Here, missy.

Thank you.

Ah, your car is waiting,

my luscious little lollipop.

Smart idea of yours.

The only kind I have.

When I was shooting sheep

in the Himalayas...

Pardon me. Excuse me.

Drat those 100-year-old eggs.

Well, my little Laplander,

we must be shooting along now.

You're looking wonderful.

Gorgeous.

Ravishing. Beautiful.

Stunning. Stunning.

I'm sitting on something.

I lost mine in the stock market.

Oh.

What's that?

Sounds like a body squeak.

It does? I got it.

Here it is here.

What are you doing? Uh, one

of the nuts are loose, dear.

What did you say?

One of the nuts.

The what?

The nuts.

What?

Nuts! Nuts! Nuts!

Oh, don't lose

your temper about it.

I'm not losing my temper,

my little fuzzy wish-wash.

I'm merely telling you

one of the nuts are loose.

We shan't be long now.

What are you feeling about for? The button.

The starter button.

Oh. Yes, here. We have it here.

Comfortable little car, isn't it?

Mm-hmm.

Huh? I hadn't figured on that.

This car used to belong

to the postmaster general.

Ah, here we are now.

Here we go.

Shan't be long now, my little

fuzzy fuchsia.

Here we are,

my ravishing little pineapple.

That wiggle of yours

is becoming marvelous.

I tell you.

I'm sitting on something.

You're sitting on something?

Where are you, my little Mexican

jumping bean? Where are you?

I'm up here in the fresh air.

Come on up.

Somethings under me. What is it?

I don't know.

I'll go down and investigate.

Ooh! Upsy-daisy.

Ah, it's a pussy.

0h, the poor thing.

Worry not,

my little titmouse.

He still has

eight more lives to go.

There you are, pussy. Run away now.

[ Petronovich jAhai!

Hello.

Have you a match?

Oh, I guess

you haven't one. Okay.

Nicky!

What have you been doing?

Uh-oh. Why, the professor's

been entertaining me.

Hmm, darling, my little

scanty-panty, your skirt.

Oh!

Gangway, please.

Gangway!

Downstairs!

Downstairs!

Come on. I've gotta get outta here.

We're going to Shanghai. Tommy!

We're gonna be married.

But how can we?

Professor Quail, contract for radioscope.

Tell you all about it.

So, you wanna play, hey?

Whoo-hoo!

This is the worst experience

I've ever...

I fooled ya that time,

didn't I?

- Hey! Hey, Professor!

- I'll show you!

Young man, you've saved my life.

Now what can I do for you?

Take us to Shanghai.

I'll drop you there

on my way to Kansas City.

Come on, Professor!

Come on!

Press the button!

Press the button!

I'm sitting on something.

What, again?

Yes.

I tell you.

I'm sitting on something.

Get up, my little cupcake.

I wonder what

their parents were.

Careless, my little nut cake.

Careless.

Whoo-hoo!