International House (1933) - full transcript

Nash, that covers about everything. You have
your instructions and your credentials.

Yes. They're all in here.
I'd better get my tickets.

If Dr. Wong's invention
is half as good as he claims,

the manufacturing rights
will be worth millions.

The American Electric Company
can't afford to lose out.

Yes, sir. No, sir.

I'm new in China. You had
three years in the consular service.

You know the country, the language
and the manner of doing business here.

That's why I'm sending you
in my place.

Considering everything, I'm sure you'll
represent the company better than I.

Well, I can die trying, sir.
“Die“?



You're not sick, are you?
Oh, no, sir.

Didn't I hear something about your being
sick the day before your wedding?

Yeah. It... It happened twice.
That's why I didn't get married.

Carol...
Um, Miss Fortescue felt...

Well, you can imagine how she felt.

Yeah.
You see...

Discouraged. Yes. Sol resigned and went
to America to the finest specialists.

Well, they get you
all cleaned out all right?

Every nickel.
That's fine.

Well, good-bye, Nash.
Good-bye.

Sorry, madam.
There are no trains to Wu-Hu.

You said that three or four times.
I must get there.

It's very important for me.
Money's no object.

Madam, if I owned the rail road,
I'd give you a train.



But a bridge has washed out,
and our engines can't swim.

- Wu-Hu.
- I beg your pardon?

A compartment to Wu-Hu, please. Sorry.
There's been an accident on the line.

Accident?
Yes, sir.

Do you know whether Sir Mortimer
Fortescue and his daughter...

Their train was the last one
to get through, sir.

Oh, that's fine. It looks as though
I'll have to try and make it in my car.

It's a hard, long trip, sir.
Don't I know it.

Excuse me.

Pardon me.

Do you mind? Oh.

That's all right.

Aren't you the gentleman
who's driving to Wu-Hu? Yes.

I'm most anxious to go myself.

I mean, wouldn't you
take me along?

I'm afraid not.
It's no trip for a girl.

Bad roads and the desert.

That sounds interesting.
It isn't.

I couldn't take the responsibility.

I'll take the responsibility.

Pardon me just a moment.

You forgot to sign it.
Sign it “American Electric Company.“

Couldn't you possibly
take me with you?

Yes, but... No.

Won't you change your mind?
It's a 24-hour trip.

That's only a day.
A day and... and a night.

I'm not afraid of the dark.
Are you?

No. I'm afraid
of what might happen in it.

Whoo-hoo.
Whoo-hoo.

Wu-Hu! Wu-Hu!

Daily Mail'
W u - H u!

Wu-Hu! Wu-Hu!

I haven't seen so many big shots
since the peace conference.

That guy's invention must be plenty hot
to drag us from all over the world like this.

How do you do?
Who?

You, sir.
How do you do?

You're Sir Mortimer Fortescue
of Shanghai, are you not?

You're mistaken.
I am.

- What is your opinion of Dr. Wong?
- Wong?

The man you came here to see.
See? About what?

About his invention.
Oh, yes.

What is your opinion of his invention?
Absolutely worthless.

The invention?
No. My opinion.

Come on, Daddy.

Good afternoon, sir.
Did you have a nice trip?

I always have a nice trip.
You are...

General Nicholas Baronosky Petronovich.

Formerly of the Russian Imperial Guard.

At present, general manager
of the Moscow Utilities Company.

Are you interested
in Dr. Wong's new invention?

I am here to buy the rights
for my company.

Who's that bird?

Must be Herr von Baden
of the Berlin Lens and Optical Company.

Would you say
a few words, please?

No, no, no, no.
No, no. In English, please.

In German or in English... out of the way!
I have business.

Skittish. Very skittish.

Yeah, and just
a wee bit squirrelly too.

Dr. Bums! Dr. Bums!

Dr. Burns!

Man inside, him very sick.

I take you.

What's the matter?
Oh, Doctor, I'm sick.

I cannot “up-standing“ straight.
You can't what?

I cannot up-standing straight.
Well, let me see.

Uh... Oh, look. Your...

Look. Your vest is buttoned
to your trousers.

Ah!

Oh, thank you, Doctor.

Ah! Thank you.

This is the hotel manager.

Dr. Wong.

Dr. Wong.

Dr. Wong, I have
a telegram for you.

I'm afraid I have a short circuit
in my transformer.

That's very unfortunate,
I'm sure.

But, uh,
how about this telegram?

Ah, right. There is a short circuit.
Oh, were you saying something?

Why, yes. I have a
short circuit... Huh?

I mean, I have a telegram for you.
Read it, please.

“Leaving Shanghai
to negotiate blonde on desert,

“but will not take responsibility.

“Hold everything.

Signed, American Electric Company.“ Ah.
The American representative.

Is, uh, the telegram
quite clear to you, Doctor?

Quite, quite.
Clever people, these Americans.

Always combining business
with pleasure.

Oh, uh, General Petronovich
requested me to, uh,

arrange an interview
with you this afternoon.

I will see no one until the arrival
of the American representative.

Well, I hope he'll be here in time
for your demonstration.

Thank you.
And now...

you will be the first to witness
the wonders of my radioscope.

Uh, pull those curtains, please.

Yes, Doctor.

Oh, Doctor,
this is positively thrilling.

I'm gooseflesh all over.

♪♪

What are you going
to show me, Doctor?

The six-day bicycle race
in New York City.

Watch closely.

♪ But wait till
tomorrow 'ere you take... ♪♪

Not quite synchronized.

Seems rather, uh, mixed-up.

Yes.

That moo went with the cow.

I believe that is
the customary procedure.

Professor Henry R.
Quail takes off from Juarez, Mexico,

on a secret mission,
combining business with pleasure.

Delicious.
200 pesos.

Charge it.

I wonder if the professor
can get off the ground with that load.

Now I will get you
the six-day bicycle race.

If the doctor will permit,
a little later perhaps.

Oh, at your pleasure.
It will be going on for six days.

Good afternoon, Doctor.
Good afternoon.

Oh, hello. Come here.

Say, who's that?

“Who is that?“
That's the manager of the ho...

Well, you wouldn't know.
What difference does it make?

Good afternoon, Doctor.
Good afternoon.

I have an invitation for you.
Oh, thank you.

Dr. Wong is going to show his
radioscope on the roofgarden tonight.

Thank you very much.
Oh, goody!

“Goody“? You're not invited. Oh, that's too
bad, Doctor, because you would've enjoyed it.

Listen, I've had enough of this. I've got
a good mind to get a different nurse.

No, no. Don't do that, Doctor.
This one is different enough.

Well, then you talk to her.
Thanks.

Do you know,
you're very smart.

Yes, I know. To what do you
attribute your smartness?

Uh, three things.
Three things? Oh.

First, my very good memory.
Mm.

And the other two things,
um, uh...

I forgot.

Look, uh, let me talk to her.
Thanks.

What the manager would like to know
is, did you ever go to school?

Oh, yes, I did. Well, what
school did you go to?

I'm not allowed to tell.
You're not allowed to tell?

The school pays me $25 a week
not to tell.

You take her. Thanks.

Did, um... Did you ever
read any books?

Oh, of course I did.

Did you ever read any books
by Kipling?

No. No, I never read any of his books.
I like his herring though.

Mm-hmm. Uh...

This one is on me.

- You like Kipling's herring?
- Yes.

Sometime when you have nothing to do,
you must read some of Dill's pickles.

- You'd like that too.
- Oh,yeah? Well, I'll get it.

Get that. This Monday, a new pickle
is coming out with a blue cover.

Oh, yeah?
A mystery, huh?

If you don't mind.

Well.

Uh, this one
in on the house.

You know, something must have
happened to you when you were a baby.

No. No, nothing happened to me, but something
happened to my brother when he was a baby.

Oh, to your brother. Yes. My father
took him for a stroll in the carriage.

But when my father came home, he had a
different baby in a different carriage.

Different baby in a
different carriage. Yes.

What did your mother say? Oh, she didn't say
anything, because it was a better carriage.

Oh. Uh...
I'm coming.

A better carriage, huh?

Yes. And the baby my father brought home was
a little French baby. A little French baby.

Yes, so my mother took up French.
Took up French.

Yes. To be able to
understand the baby...

when it started to talk. When
it started to talk. Yes.

Oh, they're crazy people.

What about these eggs?

What about the eggs?

Well, what about the eggs?

Are they finished?

They're finished.
Try it again.

Listen, when you invited me to ride... Pardon me.
You invited yourself.

You told me we could cross
this moth-eaten desert in 24 hours.

I told you we could
if we got a break.

You got a break...
miles away from everywhere.

And you spend half the night feeling
around in the dark for nuts and bolts.

Aw, fry an egg.

Take your dirty hands
off my lingerie.

I'll take care of this.

You start the engine,
and hurry.

What's your tearing hurry
to get to Wu-Hu?

Business.
Business?

Dr. Wong's invention is going to make
millionaires, and I intend doing the same.

You mean you're gonna
marry a millionaire?

I never marry anything else.
Wil lyou hurry?

Say, if my girl ever finds out I spent
a night on the desert with another girl...

Oh, don't tell her. She might think
you're having a good time.

“Good time.“ Lady, I wouldn't enjoy
a minute of this trip...

even if you were
Peggy Hopkins Joyce.

I am Peggy Hopkins Joyce.
Huh?

This is as far as we go.
That's good news.

I hope you had a nice trip.
Mmm.

I hope there's a chiropractor
in the hotel.

Where's a garage?
Down there.

You catching nice
A-number-one wife, mister.

You catch 'um suitcase
and do A-number-one scram.

There are twin beds
in the room at present.

Shall I have one of them
removed?

Remove both of them.
Both?

I prefer a double bed. Don't you?

So!
Nicky.

Your husband. No husbands at present.
We're divorced.

Didn't I get a divorce from you
in Paris?

Ah! That means nothing.

In my country,
you're still my wife.

Oh, Nicky, darling,
don't go dramatic on me.

Everything is finished.
Never.

Any man that comes
between us,

he will be finished.

Undoubtedly, General.

I delivered your message
to Dr. Wong. Well?

He will talk to no one about the radioscope until
after the arrival of the American representative.

Nicky, are you interested
in the radioscope?

Interested?
I'm going to buy it.

It will make millions for me.
Millions?

Oh, Nicky, darling.

Do you wish to go to your room
now, Miss Joyce? Yes, thank you.

Come along, Nicky, dear.

Card.
Tommy.

You've come back. I missed
you every hour I was gone.

I thought I'd never see you again.

Well, I'm here, and you're here,
and here we are.

It's wonderful.
Marvelous.

No, it isn't.
It's disgusting.

Carol. Carol.

What's the matter? Ever since that day
you left me waiting at the church...

But I had the mumps.
Yes. And the other time.

You had, what was it?
The chicken pox.

A grown man like you always breaking
out in children's diseases.

But, Carol, that's all over now.

I visited the finest specialists
in the United States.

I've been examined, x-rayed,
violet-rayed and inoculated.

I'm 100% perfect
and immune to everything.

Tommy. I got the papers to prove
it... inoculation affidavits.

Oh, Tommy, I'm so happy.
Heh.

Excusing, please, master.
Your number-one wife,

she going topside with
another one man. Shh.

Your wife?
Mm, it's a mistake.

She means the girl I...
I traveled with.

You traveled with a girl?
Yes, but we're not married.

Not married? Now,
darling, you're wrong.

It was all purely... platonic.

Well, who is she? What's her name?
Peggy Hopkins Joyce.

And you were perfectly platonic
with Peggy Hopkins Joyce.

Now, dar... Wait.

Who's there?

It-it's me.
Um, Tommy Nash.

Oh, come in, dear.

Oh, hello.
Come and sit down.

Um, Miss Joyce,
this is Carol Fortescue,

the girl I told you about.

I'm afraid I'm intruding.
Oh, not at all.

How do you do?
How do you do?

Um, Miss Joyce,
will you tell Carol...

that practically the only thing
we did on the desert was... fight?

Oh, so that's it. Come
and sit down, won't you?

Tommy's a very nice boy.
I only annoyed him.

He loves you very much.
Why, thank you.

Missy, him belong you?

Oh, Tommy,
they must be yours.

Uh, yes.

That's funny.
Very.

Oh, Tommy.

Oh.
I'm so sorry.

I packed these by mistake
this morning in the desert.

Why, we must have
got our shorts tangled up.

I__ I mean...

Missy, you want me washee?

I can tell you
exactly what happened.

Don't trouble.
I can imagine.

Now, Carol...
“Purely platonic.“

You're gonna have to do
something about this.

I'll do my best, Tommy.
Yeah. Carol!

Carol.
Carol.

Carol, darling.
I love you.

It was her suggestion.

Why, I kept thinking of you
all the time.

Why, she can't even cook.

Yes, really, this is Dr. Burns's office.

No, the doctor isn't in
just now.

Oh, he won't be back
for a long, long time.

He went out
on one of those “eternity“ cases.

Yeah, all right.

Any calls for me
while I was out, Miss Allen?

Oh, yes, Doctor.
My cousin just phoned.

He wants you to come right over.
He fell off an ironing board.

Your cousin fell off
an ironing board?

Yeah. He was pressing his pants,
and he forgot to take 'em off.

Read your paper
and don't annoy me, Miss Allen.

Uh, have you seen
my stethoscope?

- Oh, not now, Doctor. I'll look at it later.
- You'll look at it later?

Yeah. Doctor, what's the difference
between a helicopter and an autogyro?

I don't know.
You can't play a helicopter.

You can't? Well, that certainly
is a surprise to me.

I knew it would be.
What are you reading?

I'm reading about
this Professor Quail.

- You know, he flown the ocean.
- He what?

- He flown the ocean.
- No, no, no. He didn't "flown".

- You wouldn't say he has flew?
- He has flu?

You could never tell it
by this picture.

- Look. He has great big, fat cheeks...
- Listen, Miss Allen, don't annoy me.

- I know, but, look, he has big...
- Stop.

I have a very important
appendicitis case on my mind.

Oh, yeah?
My brother had appendicitis.

It left a very bad scar
on his neck.

- Appendicitis on the neck?
- Yeah.

- Appendicitis is on the stomach.
- Yeah, I know.

But he was so ticklish,
they had to operate up there.

Yes, I see what you mean. Couldn't take it.
He'd have died laughing.

Yes. We're glad anyhow
he went to the hospital.

Now there's more room
for the old woman.

Your mother, I guess?

No, no. The old woman who's been
living with us for five weeks.

- Your aunt?
- No. We don't even know her.

Oh. A strange old woman lives in
your house, and nobody knows her.

Yeah. My brother won her
at a raffle.

Your brother won an
old woman at a raffle?

- Yeah. They ran a raffle for a poor old woman...
- And he won.

- And he won.
- I see.

You certainly have a lot of fun home.
You people live like fools.

- Yeah. You know what happened last night?
- What?

Last night, in the middle of the night, my
cousin woke up and gave out a big scream.

Something happened,
and she screamed right out, huh?

She looked down at her legs,
and they were all black.

- Her legs turned black?
- Yeah.

- What did you do?
- What did we do? We sent for a doctor, of course.

- You sent for a doctor?
- Of course.

Well, what did the doctor do?

Well, he took off her stockings,
and then we all went to sleep again.

Ah.

Listen, Miss Allen.
You're sitting on my stethoscope.

Yeah... Oh, Doctor.

Well, what are you doing?

Oh, Doctor, I can hear my heartbeat.

Yeah... Ooh!

Carol!

You've got to listen to me.

No, I don't. Miss Joyce has
explained everything to me.

Sweetheart. Oh.

Let's get married today,
right away.

- Won't you get sick again?
- Oh, there's not a chance of that.

- I'm immune. I've got papers that prove it.
- Never mind, dear.

- Tommy, your cheek.
- What's the matter?

- It's burning.
- Oh, I'm just excited.

And your hands,
they're cold.

Oh, Tommy, you're not
going to get sick again?

Aw, not a chance.
I have papers that...

Pardon me, but I happen to be
the house physician.

- Well, I have papers that prove...
- I know, I know. Let me see your tongue.

- Um, say "Ah".
- Aw...

No, no. Not "Aw".
Say "Ah".

Ah.
Mm. I thought so.

- Aw, now listen, Doctor. I've got...
- I know. Measles, young man. Measles.

I'll get my nurse.
Miss Allen. Miss Allen.

- Miss Allen. Miss Allen.
- Yes?

- There's a man outside with a rash.
- With a rash? Is it this year's model?

With freewheeling
and floating power?

- Or is it last year's...
- No. It's a coupé. You know what a coupé is.

Oh, sure. My father's got one.
Only he parts his in the middle.

He parts a cou... There's a man
outside with a rash in the rotunda.

Well, it certainly takes all
kinds of people to make a world.

- Don't you think so?
- I think so.

Measles! I had them
when I was three years old.

- It can't be the measles. I'm immune.
- You're impossible.

- Now, Carol...
- Miss Allen, this is the patient.

- Undress him and put him to bed.
- Oh, Doctor.

But, Doctor, I can't go to bed.
I'm not married yet.

- Undress him and put him to bed.
- Oh, at his age.

- Listen.
- Carol, sweetheart...

Tommy, don't you see?
We'll never be married.

You... You just can't
stand the strain.

- But, Carol, I can...
- Come here. Take him.

Listen... Oh, I love to hear
of people getting married.

You know, I had a wire
from my sister today.

She has a brand-new
little baby.

She's married, you know.
She's married.

Yeah. Oh. Is it a
little girl or a boy?

Well, I don't know yet, and I'm dying to
find out whether I'm an uncle or an aunt.

Hey. Hey, listen, Doctor.
You've got my hat.

Nash... the American representative.

Serge, I have an idea.

Where is the office
of the health inspector?

Are we going to talk to him?
I myself will talk to him.

This American
has a contagious disease,

so Inspector Sun
should be notified at once.

Ladies and gentlemen,

for your pleasure,
we will present our dancing girls,

who will give you pleasure
in a novelty number,

which I hope
will give you pleasure.

♪♪

♪ She was a China teacup ♪

♪ And he was a coffee mug ♪

♪ When he would see that teacup
it gave his heart a tug ♪

♪ She was a-way above him
high up on another shelf ♪

♪ Still, he was sure she'd love him
if he declared himself ♪

♪ So, one day on the table
he was at her side by chance ♪

♪ He seized this opportunity
to start his big romance ♪

♪ But when he began to speak up
she gave him a nasty shrug ♪

♪ For she was a China teacup
and he was just a mug ♪

♪ The kettle on the hearth
would sing to him ♪ '

♪ A swoon y little spoon
would ding to him ♪

♪ A napkin even offered
her ring to him ♪

♪ But none of these girls
meant a thing to him ♪

♪ A sugar bowl, sweetest little soul
wanted to console him ♪

♪ Bu! He was set on just one goal
and no one could control him ♪

♪ There was a saucy saucer
who met him at every meal ♪

♪ She was a torso tosser
with lots of sex appeal ♪

♪ Our handsome hero spurned their love
They could not make him stir ♪

♪ Although they had the kind of charm
that gentlemen prefer ♪

♪ So all through the day, he'd peek up
at somebody proud and smug ♪

♪ She was a China teacup
and he was just a mug ♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

Oh, there's Peggy Joyce.

Peggy Joyce has...
Peggy Joyce-

I can materialize anything
anywhere at any time.

The radiosco-

The radioscope
needs no broadcast station,

and no... no carrier waves
are necessary.

It is...
No electrical transmission is...

Goodness!
Well! Uh!

Hello below!

Is this Kansas City, Kansas,
or Kansas City, Missouri?

Hey! Where am I?

- Wu-Hu!
- Whoo-hoo to you, sweetheart.

- Hey, Charlie. Where am I?
- Wu-Hu!

Don't let the posy fool ya.

Where am I?

This is a roofgarden
at the International House.

Never mind the details.
What town is it?

This is Wu-Hu, China.

- Then what am I doing here?
- Well, how should I know?

Well, what is Wu-Hu doing
where Kansas City ought to be?

Maybe you're lost.

Kansas City is lost.
I am here.

Turn on those lights!

Turn on the lights!
Give us li...

Now can you see anything?

Practically everything.

Honored visitor,
I welcome you.

I was afraid
you might not arrive.

Here too. I ran out of the last
bottle of beer just a minute ago.

Now that you are here,
honored American representative,

will you deign to accept
my unworthy hospitality?

Make mine a small beer.

Where will we park it, sweets?
Over here.

Why do you wear a silk hat?

Lends dignity, my beauty.
It lends dignity.

Sit down.

Sit down.
Sit down.

Ladies and gentlemen, my presence here
is due to a slight error in navigation.

I took the needle off my compass
to darn a pair of socks.

Since that time, I've been
flying completely by ear.

Waiter. For goodness sake.

Well, sweet buttercup-

Now that I'm here
and see what's to be had,

I shall dally in the valley.

And believe me,
I can dally.

Oh. Not “daily?
You mean “deli?

Dally.
No, it'; deli. Look.

♪ Hi-ho, the derry-o the farmer
in the deli ♪♪ It's deli.

What's the penalty for murder
in China?

Oh, now, don't tell me.
Let me think of the answer.

Um... Stop it. Stop it.
What's on your mind?

Well, Dr. Burns says there's a bone
pressing on my brain.

But it doesn't bother me. Really.
Doesn't bother her. Daffy.

Oh, that one goes, “Daffy down dilly,
bats in the belfry, ding-dong.“

Now ask me another one.

Oh, Professor, before you go to sleep,
will you write me your autograph?

I'd like to write your epitaph.

And th...

There. Yeah. Oh, I can't see it.

How unfortunate.

You can see it now,
can't you?

Oh, look! Professor
Quail, you forgot to cross the

You're a silly man.

That wren's cuckoo.

Good gracious! Water.

Pardon me.

I was afraid
that might be my husband.

Husband?
Divorced.

Oh, then you're in a position
to listen to a proposal.

Allow me to offer
my congratulations.

Dr. Wong, Professor Quail.

Oh.
How, chief.

Won't you join me
in a glass of wine?

You get in first, and, if there's
room enough, I'll join you.

- Ladies and gentlemen...
- I'll take a bottle of beer.

I have a very unpleasant
announcement to make.

One of our
guests, Mr. Thomas Nash, is ill.

And Inspector Sun,
the local health official,

has seen fit to declare
a quarantine.

No one will be permitted to enter or
lea ve the hotel until further notice.

Just a moment, please.

Due to this unexpected situation,

I shall postpone the demonstration
of my radioscope...

until 10:00 this evening
in my suite.

I've got to get to
Hang Kong in the morning.

Hadn't you better notify
the consulate in Shanghai?

By jove, the consulate.
Of course.

Professor, aren't you
going to register?

Yes. Where are you
going to sleep tonight?

I'm going to sleep on my right side
with my mouth open.

Wide open.

I always sleep
on my stomach.

Don't you find
it gets all wrinkled?

Most amusing.
Uh, if you can't get a room,

will you share the hospitality
of my apartment?

Thanks.
Do I hear any other offers?

Here's your chance to have a laugh
on every other girl in the world.

Okay, sold to the gentleman
with the wrinkled stomach.

Well, I must
get my portmanteau.

Oh! Remarkable!

But why? Why carry an
automobile in an airplane?

For side trips. Besides, the lighter
in the plane would never work.

Sol bought this.

Gangway, please.
Gangway! Come on there.

I've got to register.

Are you there?

What kind of a trap is this?

Looks like
a Chinese noodle swamp.

Oh! Please!

Hey, what kind
of a hotel is this?

Quarantine, foreigners,
scratchy fountain pens.

How am I gonna register?

- I'm the manager of this hotel.
- I wouldn't brag about it if I were you.

We have no more rooms.
The place is filled to capacity.

Then where am I gonna sleep
on my right side?

I would suggest that you get in
that windmill of yours and depart.

Is it possible that I am not wanted
in this flop joint? Undoubtedly.

Gangway!
Please!

No rooms, hey?
No.

Oh!

There you are. You brought
it on yourself. You see?

Oh! Young man, if you're
not very careful,

you're gonna lose my trade.

Uncouth person.

Manager! Manager!
Yes, yes, yes, yes

I have been unconnected.
Get me Berlin.

Oh, yes, yes. Mr. Brown?
Yes, sir.

Get the house electrician.
No, get Berlin.

Uh, Mr. Brown, no, no, no. Get Berlin.
I can't get Berlin.

Get Berlin! Get Germany!
I can't get Berlin.

Oh, get me a cup of tea.
Yes, sir.

I'll be a nervous wreck before this
day is... is over. I have never...

“Dear Mother, having a gorgeous time.“ Oh, my.
What am I doing?

Wait! Wait! Come back! I've gotta get in
touch with Dr. Wong, and the phone's dead.

All phones dead. Now, he's expecting me.
L-I've got to get word to him.

No can do. You're outta your head.
Aw!

Go back to bed.
All right.

Hey! Hey!
Now, look here!

Listen here, will ya?

I must go in. My wife! My business!
No one can enter.

You were only supposed to quarantine
one room, not the entire hotel.

Whole hotel is quarantined.
Where I'm going to sleep?

The Lotus Garden
is not quarantined.

That's a horrible place.
Terrible.

And he was wearing a tall
silk hat and carrying a cane.

That's the man.
The professor.

He opened every door on my floor, and I
insist upon something being done about it.

You are quite right.
Front! Front! Front, upstairs.

Oh, Mr. Brown. Order me some tea.
Yes, sir.

Just so, just so, just so.

What won't they think of next?

It is now exactly I 0:15,
Chinese Standard Time.

10:14.
Correction, 10:14.

You will now hear Ah-Fui
and his manly mandarin.

This is station PI,
the voice of Long Tong.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

The voice of Long
Tong signing off. Goodnight.

Oh, it's you. What's your idea
of bleating in my room that way?

Your room?
Yes, my room.

Aren't you ashamed of yourself,
arousing the entire hotel?

Miss Joyce.

There you are, you see?
Now one of us has gotta get out.

Will you hurry?

I don't know how you
got in here in the first place.

Miss Joyce.
Miss Joyce, are you quite safe?

Just a minute, please.

When the excitement dies down, I'll
be right back, my little calliope.

Don't forget. Tap on the window
as soon as the chumps leave.

Can't hit a moving target, eh?
Gosh, what a shock.

And now,
ladies and gentlemen,

the six-day bicycle race.

My friend, your clothes.

Huh? Yeah.
Yeah, oh, yeah.

That's the trouble of dressing
on a dark fire escape.

The lights.

♪♪

Well, Budd, I see you're still
in the same old fog.

Success at last.

Huh? What's that?

Don't you know what that is?
That's my new directional alarm clock.

You see, I turn the bell this way,
and it wakes me up.

And I turn it that way,
and it wakes you up.

This is my patented
revolving goldfish bowl.

Does, uh... How does that work? Well, you
put this thing on here like that, you see?

That's for tired goldfish. The bow!
Revolves, so the fish doesn't have to swim.

That's peachy.
No, Stoopnocracy is peachy.

The one-and-only Rudy Vallee,
singing his latest song hit to his first love.

♪ Good night ♪

♪ My heart and I
are bidding you good night ♪

♪ I love you
and because you love me too ♪

♪ I pray and say
thank heaven for you ♪

♪ I'll dream ♪

♪ And you will be
in everything I dream ♪

♪ The way you are
in everything I do ♪

♪ That's why I say
thank heaven for you ♪

♪ You are my own
Just I alone;

♪ Caress you with tender fingertips ♪

♪ When you are near
true and sincere ♪

♪ You bring a song to my lips ♪

♪ So rest ♪

♪ And if my prayers are answered
you'll be blessed ♪

♪ And I'll be blessed each night
my whole life through ♪

♪ And so I say
thank heaven for you ♪

♪ You are my own
Just I alone ♪

♪♪ They're stupefied.

They're roasted.

♪ You bring a song
to my heart ♪

How long's this dog fight
been going on?

Don't interrupt my number.
Hold your tongue and sit down.

Hold your breath and lie down, you
howling hyena. ♪♪

♪ And so I say ♪
You insist?

♪ Thank heaven for you ♪♪

My screen!

Not a wink of sleep all night. Every time I closed
my eyes, that pounding and cursing started.

General Petronovich
was locked out.

There is no use lying. I, myself,
through the window, saw everything.

Everything?
What do you mean, Nicky?

Oh, he's not with me now.

These American millionaires,
they think money can buy anything.

Nicky, did you say
he's a millionaire?

He is?

I will take his throat
in my hands...

and I will squeeze and break...

Whoo-hoo!
Whoo-hoo!

Aw, shut up.

You'll get swayback
sleeping that way.

Hey, “garcon?
Bring me a drink.

Water, sir?
A little on the side.

Very little.

Did you get your magic lantern fixed last
night after the navy sailed through it?

It was quite simple.
I merely inserted a new tube.

Good idea. Ah, breakfast.

Hello. Hello.

Send me up a bird's nest and a couple
of 100-year-old eggs boiled in perfume.

- Good morning, Professor.
- Oh, is that you, my little chrysan...

Chrysyanth...
Uh, my little hollyhock?

- How are you feeling?
- I feel like a million dollars.

Excuse me.

I'm getting rather bored here.
Aren't you?

Why don't we leave... together?
In your autogyro.

Okay. I'll be right down
as soon as I take off these pajamas.

Wongy, you old silkworm, you're
on your own. I'm leaving.

Surely not before you offer a bid
for the radioscope.

Bid?

You're representing
the American Electric Company?

Never heard of them.

Ah.

Thank you.

You may inform
the visiting representatives...

that I will accept sealed bids
from them today. Yes, master.

It is the law. I tell you, Inspector.
I haven't got the measles.

The truth is I'm not sick at all.
I feel well. I eat well.

And you sleep well.
I sleep well.

I said that.
You've said too much.

I didn't say too much.
I just said you sleep well.

Yeah. I don't feel like
dancing, Mr. Nash.

Well, big and little casino
in the same trick.

Your play.

Yes, play a card.
What card?

Why is it that everything
always happens to me?

0h, hello, Doctor. 0h, hello.
How'; the patient?

Oh, I'm fine, thank you.
How are you, Doctor?

No, no. How is the patient?
How is the patient?

Now, isn't that funny? It's sounds just
like you're saying, “How is the patient?”

- Play a card.
- Oh, cards.

Oh, I know a wonderful trick.

Now, may I borrow
your handkerchief?

Oh, you'll love this trick.
Is this a good trick?

Oh, sure. My brother showed me this trick.
Oh, your brother.

Yes.
Which one, the half-wit?

No, the older one.
Oh, the big fella, yeah.

Yeah. Now, may I borrow
your scissors?

I'm sorry.

Well, that's the finish of that.
Look... No, I have a surprise for you.

I have a scissors.
I was expecting that too.

Take that, Doctor. Now, will you
cut right through the center?

Wait a minute.
Now don't be afraid.

I know what I'm doing.
Cut.

Cut right through the center.
Yes.

Well, just so you know
what you're doing.

Here you go.
Yeah. Now.

This, um... Uh, th...

Oh, I wish
my brother was here.

Th... Oh, can you imagine?

I did it wrong.
Come here. Come here.

And now
the six-day bicycle race.

We will now hear Baby Rose Marie, one
of radio's youngest and hottest entertainers.

Oh, June is here
and skies are clear

♪ And bright ♪

♪ Not for me
for I don't see ♪

♪ The light ♪

♪ To me the music
of the birds in the trees ♪

♪ Doesn't mean anything ♪

♪ I'm so low that I don't know ♪

♪ It's spring ♪

♪ I heard a bluebird
singin' one clay ♪

♪ He seemed the messenger
of happy news ♪

♪ He filled the air above
with a song of love ♪

♪ And I'm the river
singin' the blues ♪

♪ A pair of blue eyes
wandered my way ♪

♪ And how was I to know
I'd love and lose ♪

♪ But now my bluebird's nest
is a blackbirds rest ♪

♪ And my bluebird's
singin' the blues ♪

♪ I was a dumb one
Love was blind ♪

♪ Or maybe I should blame it
on the moon ♪

♪ A certain someone
changed his mind ♪

;And my bluebird changed his tune ♪

♪ All my blue skies
seem to be gray ♪

♪ And I packed away
my dancing shoes ♪

♪ Because my big romance
was a song and dance ♪

♪ And my bluebird's
singin' the blues ♪

♪ I was a dumb one
Love was blind ♪

♪ Or maybe I should blame it
on the moon ♪

♪ A certain someone
changed his mind ♪

♪ And my bluebird
changed his tune ♪

♪ And my blue skies
seem to be gray ♪

♪ And I packed away
my dancing shoes ♪

♪ Because my big romance
was a song and dance ♪

♪ That's why my ♪

♪ Bluebird is singing ♪

♪ The blues ♪♪

Splendid.
Quite amusing.

I shall be the first to
present a bid for the rights.

You are the last. The other representatives
have all submitted sealed bids.

We will batter down the doors.

And the more resistance you encounter,
the more money I will pay you.

Shh!

Once we're in the hotel,
I will kill...

that loose-living American
jackal scoundrel.

Come on.

I beg your pardon.
I don't think I've had the pleasure...

Nash. Tommy Nash, representing
the American Electric Company.

Welcome, my friend.
What detained you?

It's a sad story, Doctor.
Am I too late to submit a bid?

Not at all. But first, don't
you want a demonstration?

Great.

Now with a
hi-dee-hi and a ho-dee-ho,

Cab Calloway
and His Harlem Maniacs...

present a flaming bit
of heated Harlem harmony.

♪♪

- Why, what's the matter with this cat here?
- He's high.

What do you mean he's high?
Full of weed.

Full of weed?
Yeah.

Who is this cat anyway?
That's the reefer man.

The reefer man?
Yeah.

Why, look at that dog.
He looks like he's losing his mind.

He done lost his mind.
Done lost his mind?

Yeah. Come on. Let's get
away from here then.

♪♪

♪ Have you ever met that funny
reefer man ♪ ♪ Reefer man ♪

♪ Have you ever met that funny
reefer man ♪ ♪ Reefer man ♪

♪ If he says he swam to China
wants to sell you South Carolina ♪

♪ Then you know you're talking to
that reefer man ♪ ♪ Reefer man ♪

♪ Have you ever met that funny
reefer man ♪ ♪ Reefer man ♪

♪ Oh, that funny, funny funny
reefer man ♪ ♪ Reefer man ♪

♪ If he trades you dimes for nickels
he says watermelons are pickles ♪

♪ You know you're talking to
that reefer man ♪ ♪ Reefer man ♪

♪ Oh, have you ever met that funny
reefer man ♪ ♪ Reefer man ♪

♪ Oh, that funny, funny funny
reefer man ♪ ♪ Reefer man ♪

♪ He smokes a reefer, he gets high
then he flies to the sky ♪

♪ That funny, funny
funny reefer man ♪♪

Take your time, son.
Take your time now.

Pat that thing slightly,
lightly and politely.

- Why, that cat's still high.
- Yeah, man.

It's wonderful.

Inspector Sun, how... how is the patient?

Uh, hello. No, I can't see you now.
Uh... Uh... Oh.

Oh, get out. Get out.
How's the... the patient?

Perfectly well. He has
nothing but harmless rash.

Uh... Nothing
but a harmless rash?

Then I suppose
the quarantine will be lifted?

At once.
You may open the doors.

Open the doors? That's fine. Now
we'll have a little peace and quiet.

I wanted your company to have my
invention all along. I am so happy.

Ah, maybe you think
I'm not, Doctor.

And now we shall see
the six-day bicycle race.

Ah! I've got it!

We are now signing off at
the end of a six-day bicycle race.

Oh, it is too late.

Open the doors.

Please! Please! Is this anyway
to enter a first-class hotel?

Has Dr. Wong sold the rights
to his machine to anyone?

I don't know, and I don't care!
But I care!

If anyone has bought it,
he shall not lea ve with it.

No one can double-cross
Petronovich. Yes.

Cover all the exits, men.
Allow no one to leave.

♪♪

♪ Yeah, all lies, love ♪♪

I'll wire you
where to send the luggage.

Here, missy.
Thank you.

Ah, your car is waiting,
my luscious little lollipop.

Smart idea of yours.
The only kind I have.

When I was shooting sheep
in the Himalayas...

Pardon me. Excuse me.

Drat those 100-year-old eggs.

Well, my little Laplander,
we must be shooting along now.

You're looking wonderful.

Gorgeous.

Ravishing. Beautiful.

Stunning. Stunning.

I'm sitting on something.
I lost mine in the stock market.

Oh.

What's that?
Sounds like a body squeak.

It does? I got it.
Here it is here.

What are you doing? Uh, one
of the nuts are loose, dear.

What did you say?
One of the nuts.

The what?
The nuts.

What?
Nuts! Nuts! Nuts!

Oh, don't lose
your temper about it.

I'm not losing my temper,
my little fuzzy wish-wash.

I'm merely telling you
one of the nuts are loose.

We shan't be long now.

What are you feeling about for? The button.
The starter button.

Oh. Yes, here. We have it here.

Comfortable little car, isn't it?
Mm-hmm.

Huh? I hadn't figured on that.

This car used to belong
to the postmaster general.

Ah, here we are now.
Here we go.

Shan't be long now, my little
fuzzy fuchsia.

Here we are,
my ravishing little pineapple.

That wiggle of yours
is becoming marvelous.

I tell you.
I'm sitting on something.

You're sitting on something?

Where are you, my little Mexican
jumping bean? Where are you?

I'm up here in the fresh air.
Come on up.

Somethings under me. What is it?
I don't know.

I'll go down and investigate.

Ooh! Upsy-daisy.

Ah, it's a pussy.
0h, the poor thing.

Worry not,
my little titmouse.

He still has
eight more lives to go.

There you are, pussy. Run away now.
[ Petronovich jAhai!

Hello.
Have you a match?

Oh, I guess
you haven't one. Okay.

Nicky!
What have you been doing?

Uh-oh. Why, the professor's
been entertaining me.

Hmm, darling, my little
scanty-panty, your skirt.

Oh!

Gangway, please.
Gangway!

Downstairs!
Downstairs!

Come on. I've gotta get outta here.
We're going to Shanghai. Tommy!

We're gonna be married.
But how can we?

Professor Quail, contract for radioscope.
Tell you all about it.

So, you wanna play, hey?

Whoo-hoo!

This is the worst experience
I've ever...

I fooled ya that time,
didn't I?

- Hey! Hey, Professor!
- I'll show you!

Young man, you've saved my life.
Now what can I do for you?

Take us to Shanghai.

I'll drop you there
on my way to Kansas City.

Come on, Professor!
Come on!

Press the button!
Press the button!

I'm sitting on something.

What, again?
Yes.

I tell you.
I'm sitting on something.

Get up, my little cupcake.

I wonder what
their parents were.

Careless, my little nut cake.
Careless.

Whoo-hoo!