International Falls (2019) - full transcript

Hey, Dee.
Did you find them?

Yeah.

Yeah, I got them right here.

You coming to the show tonight?

I don't know.

Probably not.

You love the comedy nights.

- It's supposed to snow.
- They said maybe tomorrow.

- Yeah, I know.
- So you should come.

I know.

Oh, hey, I gotcha something.



- Thanks.
- I was at a bookstore in Duluth a couple weeks ago.

- Do you have that one?
- No, and I have a few.

- Thanks, Ruthie.
- No problem.

It was like 50 cents.

Oh, oh.

- Hey.
- Hey. Have you left work yet?

No, uh, about another
half hour or so.

Oh, good,
glad I caught you.

Uh, you think you could stop

by Tom's on the way home?

I checked this morning
and you're way past

due on the oil.

Yeah, I could do that.

Oh, good.
Uh, better today than tomorrow.



It's supposed to snow, you know.

Yeah, I know, I know.

So, uh, does this mean I
still have to pick up the girls?

Yeah, yeah,
if you don't mind.

No, I don't mind.

Okay,
I'll see you at home.

Love you.

Love you.

Hey.

Should I get a tattoo?

I want to get a tattoo.

- What's stopping you?
- My mom.

Your mom?

Ruthie, you're 23-years-old.

Twenty two.

Her house, her rules.

Then get it somewhere
where she can't see it.

Like where,
like between my toes?

No, like in your vagina.

And I don't mean like around it,

I mean like... inside it.

- Like get in there.
- Like...

...that sounds really painful.

No, it's not painful
at all up there.

Have you gotten a tattoo
inside your vagina?

Yes, I have. I've got
like the constellations.

You know, it's sort of like
an observatory up there.

Like the Milky Way, Big Dipper.

Wait, so what,
what should mine be then?

You should get like
a groundhog up there.

- I like that.
- Yeah.

That way, you know, you'll know,

- it's spring.
- It's spring.

Fuck this!

Cold as fuck.

Hi. Sorry.

Cold outside.

- Checking in?
- Yeah. Uh, Tim Fletcher for two nights.

Oh, you're the comedian.

- Yeah.
- Very edgy.

- You think so?
- Yeah, you got a real Steve Gutenberg thing going on.

Wow, you're old.

Okay. You're going to be in
room 109. That's on the first floor.

- Oh, you guys have the ones on the first floor.
- Yes, sir!

Can we help you
with anything else?

Um, actually,
if there's a liquor store

that would be helpful,
and maybe fast food.

But not like those
local kitschy kind,

like from Food Network.

Maybe some chains with
poison to fuel my body.

Okay.

Well, there's the, um,

Chocolate Mousse
on Third Avenue.

Their Big Moose Combo
will change your life.

Or if you're in the mood
for some breakfast,

the Angler's Hungry Man,
that'll do you right.

And then
if you want liquor you can go

to Bootlegger's, that's on
Second Avenue which is...

Do you have GPS?

No, I'm a caveman.

I was recently unfrozen, so.

Oh, wow, then
you're older than I am.

Do you know Pauly Shore?

He wishes.

These should work.

Thank you.

Have a nice day.

Don't tell me what to do.

You know, they say once
you visit International Falls,

it's hard to leave.

Well, they said the same thing

about Siberia under Stalin, so.

We'll see.

He seems like a dick.

Yeah, most of them are.

Have you heard of him?

No.

We don't get the kind of
people you've heard of.

I can't do it.
Hold on, hold on one second.

I'm, I'm...

But I'm hungry and I don't want
to eat chicken nuggets.

Hey, it's me.

I am checking in.

Give me a call.

Okay, okay, okay.

Oh, cold out there, isn't it?

- Hello.
- Some people don't like to go out in the cold.

I don't mind it, I can...

Sometimes I just sit out
there and drink a pop.

- I see.
- We stay, ah, open, ah, during the week really late.

So if you need to
come back here, you know.

You smoke? We got some, um,
cigarette stuffs up here, uh,

if you do. I, I stopped...

smoking. They say
it can give you cancer.

I don't want that again.

I think I'm just going
to go with, um, the vodka.

- Oh, okay.
- Uh, any special kind?

I think vodka's vodka.

Well, it's not,
but I'll give you

one of my favorites, okay?

Ah. Ah.

Hmm, love this stuff.

Anything else?

Maybe, uh, a really good scotch.

Oh, yes, there is, sir.

Not cheap, but this is
the good stuff right here.

- Only the best.
- Yeah. Anything else?

You know what?
Can I have this guy too?

Aw.

Somebody has a soft spot,
huh?

So, uh, you, uh,
from around here?

No, just passing through.

Yeah, what, uh,
business are you in?

I'm in plastics.

I'm joking.

- Oh.
- I'm a comedian.

Oh.

I'm doing a couple shows, uh,
tonight and tomorrow night.

- Oh, at the hotel.
- Yeah.

You know, my husband and I,

we have been meaning
to go to one of those.

I wouldn't bother.
I'm not very good.

No, I, I, I'm really
not very good.

Okay, okay. All right, uh.

So, uh, well.

I wish you a lot of luck.

You know what they say.

Once you visit
International Falls...

You don't want to leave.

Yes! You,

you know.

Well, just you watch me.

Hey!

- Dad!
- Daddy!

Hey, there's my girls.

Hey.

- Hey, there, beautiful.
- Hey.

How was school today?

- Good.
- Boring.

Okay, get in there,
finish your food.

Hey, thanks a lot for
taking care of the car today.

Boy, I didn't know when I was
going to get around to that.

- Yeah.
- Yeah, oh, boy, look at this.

This is yummy, huh?

That's why sometimes
you need a push to take the plunge.

Well, it sounds
like you didn't give him a chance.

This is so not my type.

Got to give it to you.

I know exactly what you mean.

- Oh!
- Fuck you.

A one, a two, a one,
two, three, four!

♪ I want to stay inside and go
Sledding down my stairs ♪

Guitar solo!

Mama!

Mama, get in here,
I need some help.

We need some backup singers.

Mommy, you okay?

Yeah, yeah. Um,

uh, would you mind
if I went back and, and watched

the comedy show tonight?

I could use a laugh.

Oh.

Yeah, sure.

Where were you when I was
getting the oil changed?

Work.

I was at work.

I'm going to go get ready.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God, oh.

Okay.

No, hey, hey.

Yeah, that Siberia,

Siberia joke was not funny.

Aw, look at all those
enthusiastic faces out there.

- Everybody got your drinks?
- Fuck it.

- Great.
- Fuck it.

All right, it's time to welcome

our headliner to the stage.

This guy's been doing
standup for a long time.

You've seen him on HBO,
Comedy Central, and many more.

Please, make a lot of noise
for Mr. Tim Fletcher.

- Thanks, man.
- Go kill it.

What's up! Oh, oh, stop it,
stop it. It's too much.

It's too much,
I mean it, I mean it.

Uh, keep it going.
Keep it going for your opener, uh, Taylor.

Oh, it's Trevor, Trevor.

Sorry, these kids
with their names.

It's like they all have
different names now.

Uh, yeah, I'm looking
around the room,

I see some familiar faces.

Hello and welcome.

Um, it's very nice to be here
in International Falls. Um.

I love to get away from the rat
race of Duluth, you know?

Duluth is the future.

I mean, they just got landlines.

So, good for Duluth,
good for Duluth. Um.

Who here is married?

I'm married.
Go ahead, get them up.

Get them up, no shame there.

Yeah, this guy's married?

Okay, I find
that hard to believe.

You look like a murderer. Um.

But, uh, I like being married,
I really do. Um.

But being married
changes things.

It, uh, for me it changed,
uh, guys' night.

I liked hearing about their
sexual conquests, you know?

I was like Cookie Monster.
I was just like.

Tell me more, you know,
I want all that shit.

Now, invariably,
someone does this to me.

Someone, someone says, "You know, Tim,
I was, uh, I was having sex last night.

I was having a lot of
strange sex last night,

and it was great, it was great.

She was a model,
probably never see her again.

Totally hot, totally great body.

But Tim, you're so lucky.

You're so lucky."

And I'm like, "What?

I mean, how, how am I lucky?"

"Because you're married
and that's beautiful."

And I'm like, "Dude,
don't do this.

Not on guys' night.

Don't you ruin
guys' night for me.

Now's not the time
to be telling me

how much you admire
my commitment to my wife.

Tomorrow when you find out
that it burns when you pee.

Yeah, then you can tell me
how swell my marriage is,

but not tonight, not tonight."

Hey.

Hello.

You were funny tonight.

Oh, thank you.

Mm-hmm.

Keep going.

Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop,
stop, stop, stop, stop.

Thank you so much.

Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah.

Can I get you a towel?

Uh, no, no, I can
just use the sheet.

It's okay.

Well, thank you,
that was really nice.

It was really great.

What?

The, uh.

- It was great.
- Oh, uh, yeah, well, you know.

It's not rocket science.

- It is if you think about it.
- Yeah, I try not to think

about that, so.

Yeah, I guess it is
a little bit gross.

Uh...

yeah.

Uh, do you want a drink?

- Do you want a drink?
- Uh, no.

No, sorry.

Uh, I have to go.

Oh.

Uh, okay.

Um, do you think
you're okay to drive?

Uh, yeah, yes, uh.

Yeah, I'm not drunk.

You seemed kind of drunk before.

Yes, I know. I was pretending.

It's so.

Why did I do that?
Why did I act drunk?

Because it works?

Okay.

Please
leave your message.

Hey, it's me.

I was just hoping
to talk to him.

Uh, can you guys give me
a call, please?

Hey, babe.
How was the show?

Hey, uh, Ruthie got sick

and, uh, needs me
to cover for her.

- All night?
- Uh, yeah, afraid so.

Oh, that stinks.

You need me to bring you
a change of clothes?

Uh, no, it's okay,
I got stuff at the hotel.

Have a good night. Love you!

I do want that drink.

- Okay.
- And that is all.

Okay.

I'm not going to fuck you.

- Cool.
- And no more hand stuff either.

That was horrible.

I agree, that was horrible.

Do you still want me to come in?

More than ever.

Okay.

I have, uh, vodka or vodka.

Or some scotch.

Uh, vodka, please.

Okay.

So, um, I take it
you're from around here.

Uh, yeah,
but I, I wasn't raised here.

Oh, okay.

And, um...

what, what is your name?

Are you serious?

I don't think we said our names.

We totally said our names.

- What was it?
- We to...

Dee.

- Dee.
- Yeah.

Short for?

Nothing,
just unimaginative parents.

Oh. Well, I'm Tim.

Short for Timothy.

- Yes.
- Yes.

I had very imaginative parents.

Well, why aren't you drinking?

Ah, just not much of a drinker.

Yeah, clearly.

Oh.

I like to be prepared to drink,

just in case a party breaks out.

So, was that a lie in your act?

I like to drink.
In fact, I love to drink

'cause I'm good at drinking.

But drinking for me is not
a sophisticated activity.

You know those people
that have, like, a sip.

Oh, oh, oh.

And they use words
like oaky or bouquet.

Those people,
they make me want to...

Well, they make me want to drink.

They make me want to drink.
In fact, I have to drink

if I hang out with those people.

Okay, so, when a comedian says,

"I went to the DMV yesterday."

Yeah, that's, that's bullshit.

I mean, he may have gone
to the DMV at some point,

but definitely wasn't yesterday.

Then why say yesterday?

I don't know, I guess
it's funnier than saying,

"I went to the DMV last year."

Yeah, well, I think
it would be more funny.

Then you're making fun
of the structure of the joke,

in which case
you'd be an alt comic,

but what happened
in the DMV has nothing

to do with the punchline.

So then why tell the joke?

That's a good question.

So.

So was everything
in your act a lie?

No.

So you're married.

Yeah, technically.

I'm separated.

Divorce papers
being drafted as we speak.

I'm sorry.

Yeah.

And you're married.

Yes.

Two daughters.

- Well, that's out of the way.
- Yeah, yeah.

Yeah. Thought that
would be awkward.

No, no.

No, it's not awkward. That's...

that's why
I'm having so much fun.

- Yeah, right?
- Yes.

Do you have any drugs?

Um.

I have Xanax.

Oh, do you have anxiety issues?

I mean, not diagnosed.

These are actually my wife's. I steal
them from her when I pick up my son,

little by little.
Put them in my men's

multivitamin with
testosterone booster.

- Sneaky.
- Yeah.

- Can I have half of one?
- Tell you what.

I'll give you a whole one
and you can portion it out

however you see fit.

Thank you.

My husband's cheating on me.

Oh.

Well, then he sounds
like a real asshole.

Yeah,
I'm one to talk.

Does he know that you know?

Nope, it's just been
business as usual.

For how long?

- Almost a year.
- Really?

Yeah, I've been watching it
continue to happen

like a television show.

I thought I was good
at nurturing misery.

How'd you find out?

He left an email open on the
family computer and I've been...

- Okay.
- ...checking his account daily.

No offense, but your husband
doesn't sound too bright.

None taken.

Um, I actually
have to take this.

- Oh.
- That's okay, you stay right here.

Okay.

Hey, what the fuck?
I've been trying to get...

Well, how about
a text message then?

Well, for fuck's sake.

I'm checking in.

I don't know, um.

I can overnight the checks.

I said I'll overnight them.

Is he asleep already?

Oh, fuck. That was today?

I missed it?

No, I will, yeah, I got him
a little, like, stuffed moose.

A moose from
Minnesota.

No.

No, don't wake him.

What's he sleeping in?

No, which pajamas.

Aw, he loves those.

Can you just tell him
that I called?

All right, bye.

So, which ones?

What?

Which pajamas?

Oh, um, the dinosaurs.

Because you're crazy
about dinosaurs.

Will you do me a favor?

Maybe.

Can you stomp on my cellphone?

What?

Well, you're wearing
those sweet fucking boots

and I don't really feel like
putting my shoes back on,

and it would mean a lot to me
if you would stomp

the fucking shit out of
this goddamn cellphone.

Not happy with your plan?

Something like that.

- Oh, you're serious?
- Oh, I'm serious.

I'll do it.

- I want you to.
- I think you just want to see if I'll do it,

but I'm, I'm telling you
I will, I will do it.

Then quit talking
about it and fuck...

I can't believe
you just fucking did that.

Well.

- That's my phone!
- I call bluffs!

You're lucky I wasn't bluffing.

Do you need to get that?

Yeah.

Should I...

- Yeah, you probably should go.
- Oh.

No, no, actually, just sit
right there, please.

And for God sakes, pour
yourself a drink, would you?

Okay, yeah.

Hey.

Uh, no.

Well, why'd you
call the front desk?

No, well, she came back
because she was feeling better

and she just came back
to finish her shift, so.

No, I'm, I'm on my way home now.

Yeah, okay.

Okay, bye.

Yeah, um, hey, ah.

That was, um, that was,
that was a lie.

I'm actually still here
and, um, I'm, I'm with a man

and he's hilarious
and he's going to help me

figure out a way to kill your
girlfriend, you fucking prick!

Well, this bullshit
just got real.

I tell you what
I like about Minnesota.

I like all the layers of
clothing that you guys wear.

I really do. Because, because you
know what I miss in this country?

I miss shame.

Just 'cause
they make it in your size

does not mean that
you should wear it.

Right? You know, I mean, if you got,
if you got cleavage on your back,

you cover it up.

If you got a nice butt on
your front, you cover it up.

No, sir!
I don't want to look at that.

So, why don't you
like alt comics?

I never said I don't like
alt comics.

- Oh, so you like them.
- No, I hate them.

- Why?
- Why?

- Yeah.
- Because they're younger than me

- and they're cooler than me.
- That's not why. Tell me.

Because the joke of
everyone and their jokes

- is that they're telling a bad joke, right?
- Yeah.

So, we're just laughing
at this dumb thing

that we're experiencing
instead of like...

Experiencing it?

- Right.
- Ah.

I mean, if we just keep making
fun of making fun of shit,

instead of actually
making fun of shit,

- what are we doing?
- I think we're observing things

that are like,
right in front of our face,

instead of just
what's actually happening.

Uh, I don't know.

You lost me.
Where's your waffle maker?

Um, over there,
and the batter's underneath.

Hey, do you know what,
um, CFNM is?

CFNM? Uh.
Oh, is that like a porn thing?

Yeah. But do you know
what it actually means?

No, I've always been
too scared to click on it.

What's the worst possible
thing it could mean?

Crying Faces Noisy Masturbators.

Okay. Um.

Cunnilingus For Nicki Minaj.

Creepy Filthy Nasty Maids.

Crispy Fried Nut Manglers.

Oh.

Cowboys Forcing Nipple Milk in.

Cunts Fart Menstruating Nuns.

Ooh, you win.

My husband's into it big time.

- Really?
- Yep.

But like, what does it
actually stand for?

Clothed Female Naked Male.

- Clothed Female Naked Male?
- Mm-hmm. Yeah.

So just like, a naked dude
and a dressed chick?

It's like a naked dude and
like several dressed chicks.

But, you know, like, one of
them is going down on him while

the other one's maybe
going to give him a handy.

It's basically just, like,
a real slutty bachelorette party

that's gone off the rails.

All right, well, I don't want
to yuck anyone's yum,

but that's his thing?

Well, not with me.

It's, it's just what
I consistently

see in his search browser.

- Oh, you got to clear that shit.
- I know, right?

Excuse me, sir.

Oh, hey, Ruthie. He's with me.
You remember Tim.

Oh, yeah. Hi there.

Don't say that.
She would be great.

I'm not saying that
she wouldn't be great,

I'm saying that she wouldn't
even want to do it.

- Okay, so, why do you do it?
- Because,

I can't do anything else.
I'm not capable.

- Bullshit.
- What do you mean, bullshit?

- Do you have a day job?
- No.

You don't have to be mad at her,

- it's a legitimate question.
- Okay, look.

There's a lot of guys
like me that make a living,

and just 'cause
you don't know our names...

Well, how'd you get
on HBO or Comedy Central?

- What?
- No, they said it in your intro.

Yeah, that's a lie.

- Really?
- You can do that?

Lie? Yeah, you can lie.

But I haven't had
a day job in six years

and I make all my money
from being on the road.

Oh, okay, well,
that's super cool.

No, it's not. I mean, yeah,
maybe it's cool to someone

who's interested in comedy

who lives in International
Falls, Minnesota,

but not really.

Well, you don't got to be
a dick about it.

I'm not trying to be a dick.

Okay, do you want
the comedy boot camp?

Here we go. I don't know shit
about getting in movies

or getting on a sitcom or
getting my own Netflix special.

But if you want
to get to my level,

you just get nice and mediocre.

Just go to a fuck
load of open mics,

and then one day
some guy will come along,

who has no real taste
or talent, but will see

that he can make a little
bit of money off of you.

But by that point, you'll be
so fucking hungry for any kind

of approval, that you'll do
anything that he says.

There. You're a comedian.

Oh, shoot,
there's the phone.

Excuse me.

So, um.

- How are you feeling?
- Well,

I don't know if it's this
or that little blue pill

or the combo, but I'm starting
to feel pretty sleepy.

Me too.

I'm not
going to fuck you.

- I know.
- Mm-hmm.

But you're not going
to drive home either.

You're right.

I know I'm right.

So what do these tattoos mean?

- I don't know.
- Yes, you do.

I don't want to tell you.

That's obnoxious.

You're obnoxious.

Well, tough shit.

Hey.

If I have to mail something,
can you mail stuff here?

Are you asking if we can send
and receive U.S. mail here?

- Yes, I am.
- In this, in this town?

- That's what I'm asking.
- Mm-hmm.

Yeah, we can do that.

- Okay?
- Thank you.

Hey.

Don't rape me, okay?

Don't rape me.

I'm serious.

I know, I just think it's so sad
that you have to say that.

Go to sleep.

Literally, the reason
I got into this line of work

was to sleep late,
and now you've fucked that up.

Well, I just thought it was
important to show you the fancy

building that
you can mail stuff from.

Ooh.

Oh, this is nice.

- Well, good morning, Dee.
- Good morning, Walt.

- What can I do for you?
- Um, well, this is Tim, he's from out of town

and he needs to mail a package,

so I want to put it
on the hotel's tab,

uh, seeing as how he's kind of,
kind of a VIP.

Is that right? What a treat!

Yeah, hmm, here's my very
important paycheck.

Do you still want
to be a comedian?

Hmm. More than ever.

Okay. Could you mail that
to that address, please?

- You got it.
- Oh, and uh, yeah, this too.

And who's this little guy for.

- Uh, it's for my son.
- Oh, that's great.

What's your son's name?

Okay, you don't
have to tell me...

Sean, his name is Sean.

How old is he?

- He's eight.
- Oh, now, that's a fun age.

It is a fun age. He actually has
just, kind of, really gotten into

exploring down here, so just
constantly just cranking.

Well, uh, we're all set, uh.

They'll pick this up around
noon and, uh, off she goes.

Thanks so much.

Have a blessed day.

Yes.

No, it's still cold.

Come on!

- Yeah.
- All right, where to?

- Uh, let's go on a walk.
- No, fuck you, it's too cold.

Well, you know,
you're wearing a summer coat

in the middle of the ice
box of the nation.

This is my winter coat.

You know what?

- Hang on.
- No.

No, don't leave me.

No.

Ah, my nipples.

Okay, here, put this on.

Oh, thank God,
I thought you died.

They just gave that to you?

No, there's basically
a cardboard box

full of coats and stuff
in every building

in International Falls.

So this just belonged to,
like, a dead guy or, like, a

- missing teenager or something?
- I don't know, could be.

- Okay.
- Better?

- Getting there, getting there.
- Okay, let's go.

- But I'm worried about that missing teenager.
- Yeah.

So, International Falls.

Where's the falls?

Oh, we don't have any falls.

Yeah, this is like a beautiful
little Christmas village.

- You think?
- No.

What is that, a paper mill?

Yeah. I mean, it stinks.

It smells like one,
like, one giant fart city.

Did they ever think about
changing the name to Fart City?

You know what? I'm going to bring
that up at our next council meeting.

You should.

Oh, there it is,
there's the wind right there.

Oh, that's nice.

Oh, my dick fell off.

Hi, how are you.

Okay, go!
Go, you're doing great!

No!

Oh, did it pull
it off your head?

Yeah, they should cut these
trees down. This is bullshit.

Or you could duck. When was
the last time you washed your hair?

So, that's Canada across
the river there.

Gosh, that's beautiful.

See?

Oh, my God.

Can we please go somewhere warm?

- Yeah.
- Please.

Yeah, I got an idea.

Okay.

Uh, take off your seatbelt
and roll down the windows.

- Why?
- It's rules of the road.

It's easier to get out
in case we go under.

- Are you serious?
- Yeah.

Shit.

You're a good
swimmer, yeah?

No, I'm not
a good swimmer.

Are you serious?

So, you know,
if we go down

there's no way I can,
I can help you.

- Please help me.
- Because you're...

Please help me.

This is really scary.

It is beautiful.

Are you taking me
out here to kill me?

Yes.

I knew it.

Why are we stopping?

You'll see.

Where are you going?

Don't leave me!

Yeah, this is warm.

It's toasty out here.

Well, you know what they say. If you don't
like the weather, give it five minutes.

- Oh, is that what they say?
- Yeah, yep.

That's hilarious.

So, do you know
her name or anything?

The other woman.

Yeah, I met her
a couple of times.

She works with my husband,
her name is Cynthia I think.

Cynthia?

Yeah.

That's a stupid fucking name.

It is, right?

Have you ever met,
like, a cool Cynthia?

No, nobody has.

Well.

So, what do you think?

- How you gonna do it?
- Do what?

You want to kill her, right?

No!

Yeah.

Maybe like a... like
a wood chipper situation.

You never saw Fargo?

- How about a gun?
- Nope.

Do you know anyone
that has a gun?

- Oh, yeah.
- Okay, great, so you can get one.

- Yeah.
- All right, here's what you're going to do.

You get a gun, you shoot her,

not in the head or the face,
in the gut.

Hurts real bad and takes
a long time to bleed out.

You were right
about the weather.

So, where are you from
if you're not from here?

I was raised here.

- You said you weren't.
- I lied.

Well, why would you
lie about that?

Because at the time
you said you'd been

on HBO and Comedy Central.

Yeah, no, no, I mean,
I was raised here. I, uh...

I grew up here,
I met my husband here,

we went to college together.

- Then we decided we'd stay...
- I'm so sorry,

this is a very boring story.

You got to spice it up
for the listener.

Okay, I listened to your set
last night go on and on and on...

On stage, that's
just my material.

It's mostly lies, I told you.

Well, then tell me something.

What?

Tell me something real.

Something real.

This is going to be my last set.

What do you mean?

I'm sort of retiring.

- From standup?
- Yeah.

- Why?
- I hate it.

I hate it, I do.

I'm not good at it
and I hate it.

I mean, you must've loved it at some part.
When did it, when did it start?

- How did you start?
- I don't know. I guess...

the answer I give
in all of the interviews

that I do,
I don't do interviews,

is, um, that I grew up
listening to comedy albums

of people like,
George Carlin and Lenny Bruce

and Richard Pryor.

- Is that the truth?
- No.

Okay, well,
then why do you do it?

What makes you do it?

I'm vain, I'm selfish,
I'm afraid, I guess.

Afraid of what?

Everyone, everything.

I guess it's, a, like
a preemptive strike, you know?

I'm going to make fun of me
before you make fun of me,

- 'cause I know it's coming.
- Are you afraid of me?

Yeah.

Terrified.

Why?

Because you're authentic.

Oh.

You know what
they say it takes to get,

like, really good at comedy?

You know, like finding your
voice, do you know what that is?

Yeah.

I don't think I ever found mine.

I'm kind of done looking for it.

I'm not going to fuck you.

We'll see about that.

Shit.

What, who is it?

Gary.

- Oh, shit!
- Nah, it's fine.

- Fine?
- It's fine.

He's basically a robot.

Who's that?

Uh, that's the, the comic
from last night.

He's performing again tonight.

He's... he's kind
of a big deal so they wanted me

to show him around today.

Okay. He on TV?

- Tons.
- Wow.

So... what you said to me
last night on the phone.

I was angry, Gary, I...

I'm sorry, Dee.

I'm so sorry, Dee.
And, and I'm so stupid.

Holy hell, I don't even know
what the hell I was thinking.

It just happened, you know?

And...

I miss you. I miss you so much.

I miss you so much.

- The girls are scared.
- Don't you dare bring those girls into this, Gary.

I'm not, I'm not. I... they...
I didn't tell them nothing, they just...

they know that
you didn't come home last night.

And, and, uh, they know
you haven't been home today.

Will you just tell me
what to do?

I'm so sorry, I didn't...

I'm so sorry, Dee.
I'm so sorry, Dee.

Just go home, Gary.

Just go home.

Fuck.

So, you're saying tonight's
your... your last show ever.

Yeah, that's pretty much
what I'm saying.

Well, I got to see that, right?

I mean, if you're a glutton
for punishment, yeah.

Here's something
that's hot off the presses,

if you pretend like it's 1996.

You know, they just started
putting, uh, porn out on DVD.

Pretty cool.

I'm not sure we need, uh,

the bonus features
though, you know?

Do we need that?

You know, do we need that? Do we
need the director's commentary?

"We're losing the light.

And, uh, and then Cinnamon,
Cinnamon comes up to me

and Cinnamon said, "Um, I just
found out that I have HIV,"

and I was like, "well,
Cinnamon, you're an actress.

Just use it." And I think,

I think you can see
the HIV in her performance.

And, uh, Blaze.

Blaze has been
fucking all day, man,

and he couldn't,
he couldn't cum anymore.

I remember smoke
was coming out of his dick,

it was just smoke."

Ah, come on.

We're having fun, right?

Are you guys not having fun?

"Oh, no.

Oh, no, we don't like this.

I'll tell you what we like,
we like ice fishing.

That's what we think is fun."

How much longer?

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

All right, here we go,
here we go.

Let's have fun. Here's
an impression of me and my dick.

Pretty cool, right?

Fuck it.
Now how much time do we have?

Come on. Nobody's with me?

Um, you know what?

I don't really care,
to be honest.

♪ I don't care about you
You rednecks ♪

All right,
here we go, here we go.

Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry,
sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry.

Not really, fuck you. Um.

You suck, man!

Yeah.

Yeah, I do suck, bro.

But I know I suck
and I've been trying to

tell people that
for years, okay?

But I'm owning it.

Tonight I'm owning it.

How much I suck.

And you should own
how much you suck, dude.

You should also
go fuck yourself.

So let's meet back
here in ten years.

You guys will all still be here,
I guarantee you that.

I guarantee you,
you will still be here,

but I will be long gone.

I will be long gone.

Oh, look, it is the lady
from the liquor store

as I'm sure you all know.

Hello, and what did
I tell you when I met you?

I said I'm not very good at this

and you should
not come... didn't I?

So, this is on you.

And frankly, you're not
so great at your job either.

Little chatty.
Little chatty is all I'm saying.

Let's land this thing...
which is what they said on the Hindenburg.

Um, I'll go out on this.
This is my closer.

This is my closer.

I'm on the road a lot.

I am on the road a lot, um,
but I don't cheat on my wife.

Um, and my wife suggested
that we have phone sex,

but I quickly
realized that it was

the saddest thing in the world

to have phone sex with my wife,

because it's really
more about my wife

just controlling
what I masturbate to.

And it goes a little
something like this.

My wife says...

"Okay, go."

And so...

I start masturbating.

And I cum.

And my wife goes...
"Are you finished?"

And I say, "Yes."

And, uh, and my wife goes,
"Goodnight, sicko."

I go, "Goodnight...

I love you."

So, that's my time.

Uh, I'm Tim Fletcher.

And...

sorry about that.

Okay, uh, all right, um.

Everybody give
another round of applause

for our headliner, Tim Fletcher.

Thank you. We will definitely
remember that. I, I want to...

Let's go to my retirement party.

...we do have comedy here,
uh, on the weekends.

Did you know that was
going to happen?

No.

Vodka?

Uh, sure.

Do you want a pill?

No. No, thanks, not tonight.

You know...

when it really works...

and you're actually killing...

it's not me versus them,

a performer, an audience,
it's just us.

A conversation.

And your stupid books
will say that there's

a structure to a joke...

but there's not.

I mean, there is,
but we all already know it

because we're human beings
and we do it every day.

Like, if I say, "Man, the
weather's so hot, it's like..."

I'm walking around
inside somebody's mouth.

Exactly.

Because that's what
a conversation is, right?

It's just looking
for some sort of reaction.

It could be a laugh,
it could be a cry.

But just some sort of response.

Then everything else
is just the setup.

Do you still
want to be a comedian?

- More than ever.
- I promise I'm not trying to talk you out of it.

Jesus, I'd hate
to see if you did.

Okay.

Then you got to start
writing like, everything down.

To get jokes, I mean.

But you have to start
paying attention

to the things that piss you off.

People that are assholes,
oblivious dickheads,

or the most fucked up
darkest thoughts

that only come out
of your brain.

Whatever gets some sort of
emotional reaction out of you.

Figure out what
makes it funny later.

Write it down.

Do you do that?

These are jokes?

No.

Oh, like a, like a diary?

No.

Journal.

No. It's like a...

man's log book of his thoughts.

You're really sad, aren't you?

Yeah, I guess I'm... pretty sad.

I'm just tired of
pretending like I'm not.

Wait.

Are you sure you
want to do this?

Yeah.

Are you sure you
want to do this?

But to be clear,
you're using me, right?

Yeah.

And you're using me, right?

Big time.

"I denied myself
nothing my eyes desired."

- I like the sound of that.
- Hmm. Yeah.

"I refused my heart
no pleasure."

I like the sound of that.

"Yet, when I surveyed
all that my hands had done

and what I had
toiled to achieve...

everything was meaningless.

A chasing after the wind.

Nothing was gained
under the sun."

Man, that last part was depressing.

But the beginning was nice.

I like Ecclesiastes.

- You knew that was Ecclesiastes?
- Yeah.

Do you believe in God?

I mean, I suppose as much as
any Lutheran does.

So you go to church.

Yep, Gary's on a council.

What, what do Lutherans believe?

Well, basically you don't need the
pope to go to heaven.

So you believe in heaven.

I, I don't know.
I mean, come on.

- I'm not making fun.
- It's just.

No, it... My mom died
last year, that's all.

I'm sorry.

Yeah.

I was with her in the end.

I watched her go.

I was holding her hand and...

and her eyes were
closed, but I knew.

Her last breath...

was so beautiful.

I was struck with the idea
for the first time

in my life that...
that maybe this was it.

That this was it and...

I wasn't sad.

I was grateful.

And I remember thinking
that this was enough.

And to expect anything more
would be greedy.

Wow.

- Sorry.
- No.

- I just...
- Don't be.

I mean, I know you
have to get up early, so...

No, I'm fine.

No, I don't want
this to be weird.

- You're not making it weird.
- Okay.

Can you just, can you grab that?

Uh, yeah.

Retired comedian Tim Fletcher,
how may I direct your call?

Hi, this is Ruthie
down at the front desk.

Um, I'm just calling to see if,

- by any chance...
- Okay, for crying out loud.

Ruthie, you don't have to act

like I don't know
what's going on.

Um, I'm looking for Dee.

Hey, you might
want to take this.

- Hey, Dee.
- Hey, Ruthie.

Uh, Ruthie.

Please.

Dee? Uh, it's Gary.

G... I'm still working.

- Oh, come on, Dee.
- Gary, listen to me.

I don't want
to see you right now.

You know, the girls are here.

- What?
- Yeah, they want to see you.

So you brought them here?

Well, yeah, you know,
I don't know what's going on, you know?

You know what the fuck
you're doing.

I'm not the one doing
the asking, it's your daughters.

Well, maybe I don't want
to see them either!

Dee?

Dee?

- Dee?
- Uh... hello.

- Who's this?
- Gary, it's Tim.

Yeah, you're the VIP, huh?

I looked you up online.

You're a nobody, pal.

I don't know what kind
of BS that you're shoving

in my wife,
but you better knock it off.

Gary, Dee's upset right now.

She's super pissed, man.

And she's going to need some
time and some space from you.

Now I'm leaving, bright
and early in the morning,

so you're not going to have to
worry about my lame ass anymore.

She's not answering
her cellphone.

Dee doesn't own a cell anymore.

We smashed that shit up
18 hours ago.

Have you and her...

- Did you...
- What is this, junior high?

We're way past that, man.

We did all kinds of things.

You probably want to know
if we made out up at the lake?

Well, the answer is, yeah, Gary.

And it was really awesome.

But what did you do, Gary?

What, did you go fall in love
with your little sidepiece?

Because I thought you were just
into like CFNM on the internet.

- Now, you listen to me.
- No, you listen, Gary,

'cause here's
a little bit of advice.

Clear that browser history, bro,

okay? And close out
of your email.

But I, I didn't...

I know, man. I know where
you're going with this.

But you can't have it
both ways, Gary.

Either you're having
an affair with Cynthia

and you're covering
your ass, or you're not.

It didn't just happen.

- How'd you know her name?
- How do you think I know her name, dipshit?

Gary, I'm a lot
like you, man.

Hey, me and you are like
a lot of other dudes.

Have you ever seen
City Slickers?

It's kind of like that.

I mean, it's different because
they're on a cattle drive,

but... guys like me and you...

we hurt people
that we claim to love.

Then we do it
over and over again.

But one thing I would
never do to my wife

is use our child to hide behind.

Is Dee standing right there?

Go home, Gary.

She'll be there
when she gets there.

Okay, thank you, Ruthie.

Okay, girls, we're just
going to go home, okay?

And we'll check in later.
She's busy working right now.

So is that why
you're getting a divorce?

Happened a few years ago. Um.

A club in Topeka.

This...

waitress who wouldn't
give me the time of day

until I came off stage,
and suddenly I was attractive.

She came up to me at the bar
and said, "You're so funny."

- Oh, my God.
- Yeah.

Just like you.

So...

we started talking
and... we kept in touch.

I saw quite a bit of her.

So how'd you get caught?

It doesn't matter.

And your wife stayed with you?

She forgave you?

She said she did.

Do you believe her?

Do you?

Guess how many men
I've fucked, Tim.

- I don't really want to...
- Two.

- See, that's why I didn't...
- Him and you.

I was 20-fucking-years-old
when I married that man.

I was the cautious one.

I was the unsure one.

We're young... there's no
need to rush anything.

And he proposed to me anyway.

He proposed to me at a division
three college basketball game.

On the jumbotron?

No! There's no jumbotron, Tim.

Have you ever heard of
Augsburg College in Minneapolis?

- No.
- No, no one has, Tim.

No one's heard of the
Augsburg Auggies in Minneapolis,

and they don't have
a fucking jumbotron

at their fucking
basketball games.

This is one of those things
you should be writing down.

So what are your plans tomorrow?

I haven't really
thought about it.

What time do
the cleaning ladies come?

Like 10:30 or so.

I'll probably get a wake up
call like 9:45.

Try to make it to the breakfast buffet before they close.

To have a waffle?

Yeah.

And then get on the road.

To see Sean.

Your son?

That one means father
and that one means son.

Japanese.

Why?

Because I'm so fucking original.

What are your plans?

I have no idea.

How cool is that?

Um, maybe you should
take that vodka.

I think you're going
to need it more than me.

You should probably
have this too.

I can't take that.

I told you, I'm retired.

I know, but those
are your jokes.

But not if I give them to you.

Plus, you won't even
really use them, you know?

The stuff that you come up with
is going to be your own.

Way better than 900 jokes
about boners and buttholes.

Just take it.

And if I can just give you
one little thing of advice.

Now, this is coming
from Tim Fletcher,

currently headlining at a hotel

in International Falls,
Minnesota, so.

Grain of salt.

If you go through with this...
just tell the truth...

no matter how ugly it is.

Be yourself.

Because you're authentic
and you're fucking funny.

Maybe I could get one more.

I was going to say handjob.

I know.

Bye, Tim.

Bye, Dee.

Hey, um, it's me.

I know it's late but I was
hoping I could talk to him.

Can you just please
tell him that I love him.

And, uh, tell him
I'm sorry, okay?

I hope he likes the moose.

Okay.

I'm sorry.

Do you think I'm funny?

Yeah.

Yeah, I think you're funny.

And you're beautiful and, and...

y... you're funny, uh.

I'm not leaving you.

That's not how this is
going to be described.

We're ending our marriage

because we both know
that it's over.

We can sell the house
or you can live in it,

but I'm not going
to live here anymore.

We'll share custody
of the girls.

We can tell them together.

We'll talk to their teachers
and their counselors

or whatever, at school.

I'm not using your infidelity...

as leverage for anything,

except your silence
in this moment.

Fuck you, Gary.

I wasn't happy either.

We could've at least
talked about it.

I'm sorry I pretended
to be happier than I was.

To think that
you thought I was that stupid.

You know...

I mean, God.

It's so...

God, okay.

Okay.

I don't have to actually ask you

to sleep on the couch, right?

So, did he say anything that

might've made you
think that he...

- No, no.
- Perfect.

No, I mean, I knew that
it was his last show

- as a comedian.
- Perfect.

And I knew he had the pills,
but he said

- that they were his ex-wife's, so, uh...
- Perfect.

I mean, you just...

I just didn't think.

Well, how could you?

It's a crazy thing.

When someone closes up
their own fishing hole

before the, uh, spring thaw.

- You know, it's, it's sad.
- Yeah. Yeah.

- Did he leave a note?
- No.

Uh, maybe you should have this.

It, uh, it belonged to him.

- What is it?
- Uh, it's his joke book.

Has, like, jokes
and ideas and thoughts.

Oh.

So, like a diary?

Uh, a journal.

Perfect. Have you, have you
looked at any of it?

Uh, yeah, pretty much all of it.

Anything I need to see?

Probably not.

Well, if he gave it
to you then...

Sorry you had to go
through all this and all.

I need anything else,
I'll give you a call at home.

Uh, you know, actually,
I'm, I'm staying here.

Oh.

Yeah, no, it's just
for a few days.

You know, until
I can find a place.

Okay.

Say hi to Gary for me.

You fucking asshole.

Hey, uh.

What about his personal things?

Oh, well, they'll be
right up for those.

We should be all done
within a couple of hours

and then housekeeping
can come on in.

There wasn't a big
mess or anything,

just a little
throw up on the sheets.

But you might want
to tell them to give it

an extra pass, you know.

You fucking asshole.

Come along, dear.

Oh, welcome
to International Falls.

- Checking in?
- Hi.

Yes, please. One room.

- Ah, sure.
- Two beds.

Fucking asshole.

Go on,
there you go, keep going.

Okay, fingers and toes?

All right.

♪ On a stick that
Makes me sick ♪

♪ That makes my tummy
Go two, four, six ♪

♪ Not because it's dirty
Not because it's clean ♪

♪ Just because you kissed
A boy behind a magazine ♪

Hey!

Just saw a couple
riding a tandem bike

together unironically.

I will never be
that happy in my life.

That I don't try and be now.

If you're ready.

Yeah, okay.

Well, welcome
back to single life.

Did you take your break?

Nope.

Motherfuck,
it's so goddamn cold!

I mean, I've been
to Chicago a few times,

but this is fucking cold!

Pardon my French.

No, I know, I know, it is.

Bernie Bryce,
comedian for tonight.

Yeah, I, I figured.

Were you
guys here last week?

- Mm-hmm.
- Did you see the comic, Tim Fletcher?

- Yes.
- That fucking asshole.

He was a friend of mine.
Well, I considered him a friend.

I don't know what
he considered me, but.

You know what? I don't give
a fuck. We were friends.

We went on the road a few times,
stuff like that, you know?

I'm sorry, it must be hard.

Yeah.

It is.

Every time.

Hey, are you the one
who wants to be a comic?

- Um.
- Yeah, she is.

You know, uh,
Tim sent me an email,

he knew I was coming this week.

Said you were really funny
and I should give you some time.

- Time?
- Yeah.

Stage time.

You want it?

Uh... sure.

Well, right on. All right,
look. Five would be great,

ten will be even better,
but I'll take what I can get

and I'll give you
a 100 bucks out of what I make.

Okay, yeah, sure,
yes, sure, of course!

All right. All right,
you know the kid who's, uh, hosting?

- Yes.
- All right, well, can you fill him in?

- Sure thing.
- All right.

Yeah. Um, okay, so, uh,
here's your room. It's, uh,

it's room 219.

- And that's on the second floor?
- Right.

Hey, are there Canadians here?

'Cause I, I hate Canadians.

Uh, uh, yes,
there will be some.

Ah, Goddamn Canadians,
they suck at heckling.

Yeah, it's just
constructive criticism.

You're going
to be funny tonight.

Well, up first, uh,
tonight we have a hometown gal

making her standup comedy debut.

Uh, she insisted that
I say that so as

to lower the bar but, uh,
she won't need any help, she's great.

Please give a lot of love
to Miss Dee Williamson.

Go Dee!

Hi. Hi, everybody.
Oh, wait, one second.

Let's get this.

Uh...

I'm just going to record this.

This is going to be worth
a lot of money someday.

So, okay.

All right, well, okay.

All right.

All right, well, um, uh...

Hi, everybody. Thanks so much,
whoops, for coming out tonight, um.

As, what's his name said, this
is my first time doing this.

Um, you might know me from,
well, uh... anywhere,

uh, because there are
like five buildings in, uh, the town,

so we all know each other.

Which could hurt me,
you know, or help me

depending on if you're
friends with my ex-husband.

So I'm just going to take a little test, you know,

just take the temperature of
the room and see how it is.

You know,
see what I'm dealing with.

So, um, so, so,
my husband's penis is so small

that I got divorced this week.

Yeah, okay. Okay.

That's a good sign,
that's a good sign.

Um, I, I don't want to be too
mean because I recognize some of,

uh, I see like an old, uh,
high school hockey player

friend of his from, from way
back in the audience, right?

So you, so you already
know about his tiny dick.

Okay, so. Um.

Okay, so, my ex-husband
loves pornography. Loves it.

Loves it,
can't get enough of it.

The kind of porn that he's into

is, uh, it's called CFNM.

Clean Fingers Never
Masturbate, right?

I mean, right,
that's what that means.

Right, right? No, no.

It actually means
Clothed Female Naked Male.

I mean, it, it doesn't really matter to me.
I mean, we all know

he's watching it for
the big dicks, right?

Okay, so, uh.

No, um, actually.

Actually, I left my ex-husband,
uh, because he cheated on me.

Cheated on me.
Yeah, I know, I caught him.

CFNM.

Corn-Fed Narcissistic
Motherfucker.

That's what that means.

That's right.
So, um, so get this.

So get this.

I'm pumping my gas...

all on my own,

because now I'm divorced and
I'm free and I'm independent.

Guess who pulls up
right next to me,

while I'm at the gas station?

Guess who,
just take a wild stab.

I mean, I knew I was going
to see her eventually, right?

But only in this stupid
charming fucking little town

would it happen that fast.

I mean, so, yeah,

there she was
right in front of me.

So I did the mature thing...

and I follow her in.

Mm-hmm. Yeah.

I follow her in,
and when I get in there,

you know, she's not
in there and I'm thinking,

"Where did, where did
this girl go? Did she, uh,

did she just vanish
right back to hell?

Or she's in the bathroom
throwing up

to make more room
for my husband's semen."

There's like a bunch of
canes over here, like, by, uh,

you know, like
the kind of shit you see

in like, Cracker Barrel and
stuff. And so, I pick up a cane.

No fucking clue what
I'm going to say or do,

when yes, she opens the door.

And like, I mean,
I'm razor-focused on this bitch,

and she looks a bit startled,
if not a bit scared, right?

At what I'm going to do.

And I lay it on her with this.

Is this yours?

No.

Oh, oh, okay.

Okay.

But then
all of a sudden this...

this wall of shit smell
comes all over my body,

up into my nostrils...
and into my lungs,

and I'm thinking, "Oh, my God."

And I look at her and I say:

Wait. You poop

in gas station bathrooms?

You're disgusting!

All right.

And then I beat her
to death with the cane.

I did.

I did, you guys. That cane is
nowhere to be found now.

I don't know where it is, but if it
ever comes back to me, it ain't mine.

No, uh.

- No.
- Stay away!

Get away!

So, yes, I'm a freshly divorced
mother of two,

with an alarmingly low amount
of menstrual cycles left,

embarking on a comedy
career in standup.

That's right. That's right, fellas,

the line starts right here.

It's right here.

CFNM?

Clitoris Finds New Meaning.

But I should really
warn you guys.

I mean, seriously,
I really need to warn you guys

that the, the, uh,
the last man I fucked

committed suicide right after.

Now, if that's not a mindfuck,
I don't know what is.

I mean, I get it. I, I get it,
you don't want a second date.

I was a little depressed,
after that,

you know, in fairness,
I was, you know? You know?

I mean, driving a man
to his death just from

the sheer disappointment
of fucking me?

It's harsh, it's harsh.
I mean, my God.

But then I changed my mind,
'cause I thought

maybe after we, you know,
we, we put on our clothes

and said our goodbyes,
that he had a thought,

you know,
and that he realized...

it's never going to get
any better than that.

Right?

I mean, I made a bucket list

and a fuck it list in one night.

I, I am the pinnacle.

I am Everest.

The Aurora Borealis.

The Grand Canyon.

Seriously, I've had two children.

I mean, once you've had me...
there's no reason to go on.

But please, folks...

please.

Try.