Intergalactic Swingers (2013) - full transcript

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[TYPING SOUNDS]

OK.

Sector 72 all clear.

Moving on to sector 73.

Sector 73 moving on
from planet Neptune,

on to planet Pluto.

Remember, Pluto's
not a planet anymore.

It's now a dwarf planet.

I don't like to judge by size.

Oh, well that's good to know.



Sector 73 all clear.

Roger that.

All clear.

Just like sector 1 through 72.

How much longer do we have to
keep looking into deep space?

This is so boring.

What?

Are you kidding me?

This experimental software
is 100 times more effective

than the old stuff
we were using.

Yeah, so I get to see
that space is 100 times more

empty than we all thought.

You know, you should
consider yourself lucky

that you were selected
to help me test this.



I mean I developed the
software, and it's classified

to the highest level.

Nobody's even going to
get this until we're

done with the testing trial.

Woo hoo.

All right. then.

Moving on from sector
73 to sector 74.

Scanning.

[SCANNING NOISES]

So by the way, what's going on
with that girlfriend of yours?

Girlfriend?

You mean Candy?

I wouldn't call
her my girlfriend.

We just started
seeing each other.

Just like a man.

Terrified of commitment.

I am not.

Well what are you?

Afraid that if you get
stuck with one girl,

you're going to miss
out on something?

No, not at all.

Are you sure?

Of course I'm sure.

What are you getting at?

Steve, this universe
has been around

for over 14 billion years.

Right.

So it'll still be around
if we took a little time off.

OK.

I think it's time for us to
stop exploring outer space,

and start probing a
little inner space.

Well, I do like the
thrill of exploration.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Dara to Alana.

Dara to Alana, please
report to the control room.

Yes, Dara.

What is it?

Sorry to bother
you, Alana, but I

want to report our position.

We have now entered
the planetary system

with our target planet.

It is within visual range.

Excellent.

Put it up on the
monitor, please.

Hmm.

Doesn't seem like much, does it?

It's got pretty colors.

Try to bring up any
broadcast signals.

Let's get a better look at them.

Doesn't look too promising.

But if we don't find a
planet to colonize soon,

our whole race could
become extinct.

I know, but we're only one
of several scout ships sent

to a great variety of planets.

Hopefully, the others
will have better luck.

Shouldn't we at least
just land and investigate?

Yes, those were our orders.

But I have a feeling the
chancellor was well aware

of the nature of this planet.

What do you mean?

I mean that ever since I
refused to become his bride,

I've been getting all
the shitty assignments.

Why wouldn't you want
to become the mistress

of our entire planet?

Have you seen the chancellor?

Ugh.

The idea of spending the
rest of my life in his bed

was just too much
for me to bear.

I see.

And quite frankly,
Dara, my preferences have

always been a bit different.

Oh, really?

Oh, yes.

Why do you think I asked for
you to be assigned to my ship?

I've often wondered.

Wonder no more.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[POOL BALLS COLLIDING]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Thanks, Darla.

Aren't you supposed to
have class today, Candy?

It's not for another
couple of hours.

That reminds me.

I've got to ask Rick
to let me off early.

Good luck with that.

I know.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Hey, sweetness.

Hiring you was the best thing
I ever did for this place.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Thanks, Rick.

Um, is it OK if I leave
a few hours early tonight?

Wait a minute.

I scheduled you for
an entire shift.

What are you talking
about leaving early?

Come on, Rick.
Give her a break.

Don't you have something
to be doing somewhere else?

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Where?

Anywhere.

Rick, come on.

I have to study.

I have a big astronomy
test tomorrow,

and you know how
important school is to me.

I know that I used
to be important to you,

until all that school
business got in the way.

You know this job
is important to me.

I'm not talking
about job, Candy.

I'm talking about all
those sweet, sweet nights

that we used to spend together.

Rick, you know it's all over.

I started seeing
a really nice guy,

and I don't want to screw it up.

Who?

That scientist guy, Steve?

You told me it wasn't
exclusive with him.

But he's a really great guy.

I mean, look at the
necklace he just got me.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Well ain't that sweet?

But I don't see a
ring on your finger.

I know.

So I go?

It's getting slow.

If I can cover.

I don't know, Candy.

Come on.

It's really important.

Well, I might be
able to be convinced.

You are horrible.

Come on.

I knew you still
loved me, Candy.

I knew it.

Are you sure these are
the proper coordinates?

It appears so.

There should be a population
center just a short distance

in that direction.

It was wise of
you to transport

us down in an isolated area.

Based on the transmissions
we viewed, who can say

what their reaction would be?

Exactly.

Let's go.

This way.

This must be the path that
leads the population center.

Yes.

We are very close now.

[HONKING HORN]

What is that noise?

Perhaps one of
their starships.

Dara, look.

What is it?

I think it might be one of
their transportation vehicles.

Put that away.

Their technology is
obviously quite primitive.

That does not bode
well for colonization.

[CAR DRIVING UP]

[REVVING UP ENGINE]

Well howdy, ladies.

What brings two beautiful
women like yourselves

out here by your lonesomes?

Isn't it a little
early for Halloween?

Halloween?

We are walking into
the population center.

It's going to be a
long walk in them shoes.

Would you care for a lift?

A lift?

I'm not sure.

Oh, it'll be fine.

My name's Luke.

I'm Alana, and this is Dara.

Sure is nice to meet you gals.

And it is very
nice to meet you.

I'm just heading
over to Rick's.

I'd be happy to take you there.

Rick's?

Oh, it's just down
the road a piece.

A piece?

Are there many people there?

Oh yeah.

Everybody goes to Rick's.

What do you think?

Why not?

Well hot dog!

Come on over, ladies!

Oh, where are my manners?

[CAR DOOR OPENING]

[CAR DOOR SLAMMING]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[CAR SPEEDING OFF]

Rick, stop it.

You know, we tried this before,
and it just didn't work out.

Come on, honey.

You know we're good together.

We've got chemistry, you know?

Yeah, but the problem is, you
have chemistry with every girl

that walks into this joint.

That's not true.

Not every girl.

Just cute ones.

If you didn't have your
charm and good looks,

you wouldn't know what
to do with yourself.

Well luckily, I've got
a large supply of both.

So you'll let me get
off early for school?

Honey, getting off is exactly
what you're going to be doing.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

OK.

So I'll be leaving
in a little bit?

Oh, sorry, baby.

I can't do that.

What?

Now Candy, you know it
always picks up once the plant

closes for the day.

Can't have just be
Athena working out there.

But I thought, since we--

Oh, shucks, darling.

It was fun, wasn't it?

Now get back to work.

There's lots of
thirsty customers.

You'll just have to
study between tables.

Men!

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Hi, Lou.
Usual?

Sure thing, darling.

Who are your friends here?

Well these here are--

Well my name is
Alana, and this is Dara.

Hello.

I guess you guys
aren't from around here.

We are from Dara.

A long way away.

Well, welcome to Rick's.

What do you guys want to drink?

We're just here to
observe, actually.

Oh yeah?

Well Rick doesn't like it
when people come in here

and don't put a drink.

But I think he'll make
an exception for you too.

Hello, ladies.

This is an unexpected surprise.

My name's Rick.

You're Rick?

Then this is your place.

That's right, darling.

We hear everyone
comes at Rick's.

Sooner or later, baby.

Sooner or later.

What can I get you to drink?

Dara.
Dara.

And for your friend?

Alana.

Nothing for me, thank you.

I would like to observe your
establishment, if it's allowed.

Sure, baby.

Sure.

Mi casa es su casa.

Thank you.

And for you?

I'll have what he is having.

Vodk, straight up?

That's my kind of gal.

Thank you, I think.

Hello.

I'm sorry.

I'm on a break.

Athena at the bar can help you.

I do not require
anything from Athena.

I was just noticing
your terminal.

You mean my computer?

Yes.

Exactly.

Computer.

What is it you're looking at?

Well, I'm studying astronomy
at the local community college,

and this program connects
me to orbiting telescopes

and amplifies them, so I can see
trillions of miles into space.

- Really?
- Yeah.

Why, are you interested
in that kind of thing?

Oh, absolutely.

Oh my.

Is that what I think it is?

An asteroid.

Seems to be heading
right for Earth.

Is that dangerous?

Don't you have a
method to deflect it?

Well they must.

My boyfriend Steve
is a scientist,

and he works in
deep space tracking.

And he gave me this
experimental program

he help me with my studies.

He's piloting the
same thing right now.

How long until the
asteroid hits the planet?

Wifi in here is so bad.

Rick is so cheap,
he won't upgrade.

Wifi?

You know, for the internet.

Internet?

You know, we can go back to
my place if you're interested.

I have a strong signal there,
and we can track the asteroid.

I'd love to track
your asteroid.

May my friend accompany us?

Oh, sure.

Anything over in sector 98?

No, sector 98 is clear.

[TYPING FEVERISHLY]

- Holy crap!
- What, what?

No, look at this.

There's a class 12 asteroid on
a collision course with Earth.

Is that bad?

Is that bad?

Are you serious?

With that you trajectory
and that velocity,

it's going to be
here in six hours.

What kind of
damage can that do?

Right now, we're looking at
a 3,000 mile wide asteroid.

We're talking an
extinction level event.

And you know all this because
of your experimental software?

Exactly.

We have to do something.

What can we do?

The Goldberg plasma cannon.

But Steve.

It's the only thing that
can deflect this asteroid.

Steve!

The Air Force
completed construction

on it six months
ago, and it's just

an hour away up the mountain.
We can go there.

We can do this.

Steve, don't you remember?

There was a key part
of the software,

of the plasma cannon,
that was never installed.

Of course.

They were afraid it was going
to be leaked into enemy hands,

or maybe even hit
the black market.

So as is, the cannon
is totally useless.

I guess there there's
nothing that can be done.

No, I have an idea.

Come on.
Come with me.

Great.

Wait, what is it?

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[CAR DOOR SLAMMING]

Here we are.

Home sweet home.

What is so sweet about it?

Oh, I know it's a bit
rustic, but I like it.

I should be getting
a signal here.

Dara, I want you to
transport up to the ship

and use our sensors
to track the asteroid.

Find out if it's really
a danger to this planet.

She does not seem to think
it is that big of a deal.

I know.

But we can hardly trust
that primitive technology.

True.

I got a signal.

Let's go inside.

Oh, Candy, it is such
a lovely day out here.

I would like to take a stroll
around, if you do not mind.

Oh, I don't mind.

Just be careful.

There's a lot of
government land out there.

You know, military stuff.

They don't like
people poking around.

Just don't cross any fences,
and you should be fine.

OK.

Thanks.

[LOUD FOOTSTEPS]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

OK, asteroid.

Let's see what you're up to.

[LOUD FOOTSTEPS]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

I wish I could be sure
I'm reading this right.

I am just a student.

I believe you're
reading it correctly.

Do you study
astronomy as well?

It's a passion of mine.

You might even say I
live among the stars.

I know what you mean.

Have you been interested
in the stars for very long?

Oh yes, since I
was a small kid.

I think it's wonderful to
imagine what kind of life

might exist out there.

Indeed.

What about / have you
always been into outer space?

Ever since I was a child.

Really?

It's so rare to find
someone around here

that shares my interests.

But I'm not from around here.

No, you certainly are not.

Are there not others
interested in science

on this plan--

I mean, in this area?

Well, my boyfriend
Steve is a scientist.

It's what really
brings us together.

But he's afraid of commitment.

I can't imagine anyone
being afraid to commit

to a woman as beautiful as you.

Wow.

Well there definitely
isn't anyone as

beautiful as you around here.

It's almost like it was fate.

Like it was
written in the stars.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Oh, that is not good.

[BEEPING NOISES]

What was that?

What was what?

That.

[BEEPING NOISES]

Is that your cell phone?

That's an unusual ring tone.

[BEEPING NOISES]

Oh, yes.

That's it.

This is Alana.

Alana, this is Dara.

I have concluded
the sensor sweep.

The asteroid is
heading on a collision

course toward the planet.

How long until impact?

Approximately four earth hours.

Very well.

Continue to monitor the
situation from orbit.

Alana out.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Don't be afraid, Candy.

I won't harm you.

But, but--

We can help you.

Who are you?

I'm sorry to have to tell
you like, this but Dara

and I are from a planet that
revolves around the star

you know as Alpha Centauri.

Alpha Centauri?

Yes.

We came here because
our planet is dying.

We are searching many planets
throughout this sector

of space for a new home.

You're aliens?

Yes.

Cool!

Cool?

I mean great!

Fantastic!

I guess you're not used
to our Earth expressions.

We are learning.

But you do have
some very strange

ways of expressing ourselves.

Of course, I can't
complain about all of them.

Neither can I.

L am pleased that this
does not disturb you.

But I'm afraid I don't
have very good news.

The asteroid you
detected is going

to crash into this
planet, causing

the destruction of your world.

Really?

No lie, sister.

But can't you, you know,
blast it with your ray

beams or something?

I'm afraid we
have no ray beams.

We're an exploration team.

Our ship has no weapons.

Yeah, but on the TV
shows, spaceships always

have weapons, just for defense.

I'm afraid not.

Steve.

Who?

My boyfriend Steve.

Well, he's not exactly my
boyfriend, because it's early,

and we're not exclusive.

But he's just afraid
of commitment.

And I've just been
trying to tell him--

OK.
What about Steve?

He works at the
deep space tracking

facility up the mountain.

He'll know what to do.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Steve, what's
the rush, big guy?

What the hell
is he doing here?

- Where's Candy?
- She left for the day.

Yeah, without my
permission, I might add.

I've got half a mind to
fire that little bitch.

Yeah well, if we can't
figure out what to do,

you're not going to
get that opportunity.

What do you mean?

What he means is that
there's an asteroid

headed to earth as we speak.

Asteroid?

Yeah, I don't know
exactly what we're

doing wasting our time here.

[CELL PHONE RINGING]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

- Candy?
- Steve.

Listen.

There's an asteroid.
- Yeah.

I know all about it.
Where are you?

I've been trying to call
you, but with no luck.

I'm home at my cabin.

You know spotty the
cell phone reception

is all the way up the canyon.
- All right.

Stay right there.

I'm coming to you.

We'll be right there

Steve?

What did he say?

He's on his way.

He'll know what to do.

Let's go.

No, wait a minute.

What's all this
about an asteroid?

Yes, it's true.

There's an asteroid on
its way to the planet.

It's going to be here
in less than four hours.

Well what in tarnation are
we supposed to do about it?

Not much.

Listen, I'm trying
to figure that out.

Just wish me luck.

That's it?

It's the end of the world?

Drinks on the house.

Now we're talking.

Athena, come with me.

Woo-wee!

What are you doing, Rick?

It's the end of
the world, baby.

You know what that means.

Wait, you want to
have sex with me?

Well, yeah.

Oh.

Now you want to
have sex with me?

You have sex with every
girl that comes in here.

But you only want to have sex
with me when I'm the last woman

on the face of the planet.

No, it's not like that.

Then what is it like?

I didn't think
you'd have sex with me

unless I was the last man
on the face of the planet.

You're right.

[CAR STOPPING]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

- Steve!
- Candy!

Thank God!

[HEAVY BREATHING]

This is my friend Alana.

Hello, Steve.

Oh, Hello.

And um, this is my
colleague, Rachel.

Oh hello.

And you must be the girlfriend
he's not willing to commit to.

Oh, and you must
be the cold as ice

bitch that he works with.

Not so cold, hey Steve?

Enough with the introductions.

Candy, where's your necklace?

Necklace?

- The one I gave you.
- Oh.

It's right there.

I don't understand.

What does her necklace
have to do with anything?

This is actually what's
going to save the planet.

What do you mean?

Well, this is actually a Flash
drive containing the final code

for the software needed to make
the plasma cannon functional.

So once we upload
this, we can blow

the asteroid to smithereens.

All of that from my necklace?

Cool!

Why would you give a top
secret piece of software

that's the key to
operating a billion

dollar cannon to this waitress?

Astronomy student,
thank you very much.

It was the safest
place I could think of

to keep it out of enemy hands.

Well I don't think so.

Hands up!

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Rachel, what the
hell is going on here?

What is that?

Alana, trust me.

Put your hands up.

Now if you will be so kind
and just hand over the drive--

I don't understand.

I can't imagine you do.

You are such an idiot.

All that talk about keeping
the program out of enemy hands?

My country planted me among the
scientific community years ago.

So you're a sleeper agent.

You should know, stud.

What does she mean?

Nothing.

She's just waiting
for the perfect time

to steal vital national secrets.

No time like the present.

What about the asteroid?

What about saving earth?

You think I honestly
believe that crap?

You should, because it's true.

Whatever, toots.

Are hand it over.

I'm afraid I can't
allow you to do that.

And just how exactly do
you plan on stopping me?

Like this.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Well that was unexpected.

I'll take that.

What the--

Dara?

I read you, Alana.

I've been monitoring your
situation the entire time.

I have the woman here,
unarmed and in my custody.

Excellent, Dara.

Well done.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Here.

Should just take a minute.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Damn it!

What's the matter?

The signal here is too
weak to reach the cannon.

We're going to have
to drive up to it.

How far is that?

It's about 30 minutes
as the crow flies,

but it's about an hour
using these back wood roads.

And the asteroid will be past
the point of safe destruction

within the hour.

I know.

That's cutting it close.

Yeah.

But tell you what?

Let's not waste any time.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[CAR DOOR SHUTTING]

Where am I?

You are on our spaceship,
orbiting your planet.

Spaceship?

Yes.

Alana and I are not
from your planet.

What, you're alien?

Yes.

Well then you don't care
what country I'm from.

We only care about saving
your planet from the asteroid.

The asteroid is real?

I never would have done
what I did had I known.

I was on your planet
for only a short time.

But I do not believe
I encountered a woman

as beautiful as you are.

Well do you have to keep
pointing that gun at me?

If you promise you
will not try to escape,

your time aboard this ship
could be most interesting.

Well I'm not going anywhere.

[BEEPING NOISES]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Here we go.

Oh, hurry, Steve.

We don't have much time.
- I know.

I know.

Come on.

All right.

Yes.

What's happening?

I just connected
to the cannon.

We've got to upload the
software to bring it online.

How long?

- Less than three minutes.
- Crap.

Steve, come on!

[COMPUTER SOUNDS]

Did you honestly think
that I would trust you?

Well, I was hoping.

Sorry, sweetie.

But I spent a long trip
away from Alpha Centauri,

and my batteries
just needed charging.

[ALARM SOUNDS]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Dara to Alana.

Dara to Alana.

The asteroid is upon us.

We are aware, Dara.

We are priming the cannon now.

Hurry!

There's not much time.

Steve!

That's it.

It's online.

Now if I can just--

almost.

And--

[FUTURISTIC WEAPONS FIRE]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Always both a lousy shot.

Come on, please!

We have only 30
seconds remaining.

Stand aside.

She know what she's doing?

Trust me, she does.

[FUTURISTIC WEAPONS FIRE]

[EXPLOSION]

Yes!

[KISSING SOUND]

All right!

Yes!

He did it!

[CAR DRIVING AWAY]

OK, you guys know, we can't
tell anybody about this.

That equipment we used
is highly classified.

My lips are sealed.

I'm not sure who I
would inform if I could.

What's going to
happen to you, Alana?

And what about Dara and Rachel?

Dara informs me that
she has beamed Rachel

back to her native country.

They are not going to be
happy that she blew her cover.

She's going to be in a
gulag for a long time.

Well I'm sure that's not the
only thing she'll be blowing.

As for Dara and
myself, we must

report back to our home planet.

What are you going
to report back?

If I were truthful, I would
report that the planet Earth

is ripe for colonization,
has the perfect atmosphere,

plenty of fresh water.

But what about us?

I'm afraid that
in any colonization,

the native population
is exterminated.

But you can't.

And I won't.

Don't worry, Steve and Candy.

Dara and I will report
back to the chancellor

that Earth is completely
unsuitable for colonization.

Really?

That's awful sweet of you.

But then what will
happen with your people?

There are many millions of
worlds throughout the galaxy.

I'm sure we'll find one that
is suitable for our needs,

and that doesn't have such
lovely people as yourselves.

So you're leaving?

I must go soon.

But I do have time for
perhaps one last celebration.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Wait, you mean--

I believe you call
it menage a twat?

It's close enough.

I'm afraid my time here is up.

I have to go.

I really wish you could stay.

Yeah, me too.

It was pleasurable
for me as well.

But as you earthlings
say, all good things

must come to an end.

Farewell, Candy.

Farewell, Steve.

Peace out.

Dara, initiate transport.

[TRANSPORT SIGNS]

I can't believe we
just went through that.

I know, right?

Well, the planet
is safe, though.

And if I mean one thing
from this experience,

it's life is too short
just let things pass by.

What do you mean?

Will you marry me?

Oh, Steve!

Any chance we can honeymoon
in Alpha Centauri?

[LAUGHTER]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[TRANSPORT SIGNS]

Dara set course for home.

What will we tell
them when we get back?

The truth.

That Earth is a wasteland,
unworthy of our attention.

Yes ma'am.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

It's a passion of mine.

You might even say I
live among the stars.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

It's so rare to find
someone around here

that shares my interests.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

You are on our spaceship,
orbiting your planet.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

This experimental software
is 100 times more effective

than the old stuff
we were using.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Why would you give a top
secret piece of software

that's the key to
operating a billion

dollar canon to this waitress?

[MUSIC PLAYING]

You have sex with every
girl that comes in here.

But you only want to have sex
with me when I'm the last woman

on the face of the planet.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

That's not true.

Not every girl.

Just the cute ones.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Woo-wee!

[MUSIC PLAYING]